question,output,response_category_1,response_category_2
What is autism?,"Autism is a term that refers to a collection of developmental disorders that affect the brain. This brain disorder affects a person’s ability to communicate, form relationships with others, and respond appropriately to the external world. People with autism have a tendency to have repetitive behaviors or interests and rigid patterns of thinking. The severity of autism varies greatly. Some people with autism can function at a relatively high level, with speech and intelligence intact. Others have serious cognitive impairments and language delays; some never speak. An infant with autism may avoid eye contact, seem deaf, and abruptly stop developing language and social skills. It has been reported that approximately 20 percent of children with autism experience this type of neurologic “regression.” The autistic child may act as if unaware of the coming and going of others or physically attack and injure others without provocation. Infants with autism often remain fixated on a single item or activity, rock or flap their hands, seem insensitive to burns and bruises, and may even appear to purposely injure themselves. The disorder generally becomes apparent in children by the age of three, although some children are diagnosed at older ages. Boys are three to four times more likely to have autism than girls are. When girls are afflicted with the disorder, they tend to have more severe symp toms and greater cognitive impairment. Autism occurs in all racial, ethnic, and social groups. Though the cause of autism is unknown, a variety of factors could be associated with some forms of autism. These include infectious, metabolic, genetic, neurological, and environmental factors such as diet, exposure to toxins or medications. A physician at Johns Hopkins Hospital named Dr. Leo Kanner studied a group of 11 developmentally delayed children in the early 1940s. Based on their characteristic self-involvement and self-stimulatory behavior, he coined the term early infantile autism. A group of children with similar, but milder neurologic symptoms was studied by a German scientist named Dr. Hans Asperger at about the same time as Dr. Kanner. This milder form of autism became known as Asperger syndrome (AS)",Other,Definition
What is Asperger syndrome?,"Asperger syndrome (or Asperger disorder) is a neurological disorder that may be part of the autistic spectrum of disorders. Children with Asperger syndrome have characteristic behaviors that can cause disabilities that range from mild to severe. Asperger syndrome is sometimes referred to as high-functioning autism (HFA) and was named for a Viennese physician, Hans Asperger. Dr. Asperger published a paper in 1944, which described a pattern of behaviors in several young boys who had normal intelligence and language development, but who also exhibited autistic-like behaviors and marked deficiencies in social and communication skills. In spite of the publication of his paper in the 1940s, it wasn’t until 1994 that Asperger syndrome was added to the fourth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV) and only in the past few years has AS been recognized by professionals and parents. Social communication deficits are a central characteristic of Asperger syndrome, although these deficits can vary in extent. Though those with the disorder show no indication of primary language impairment, their actual conversation skills are poor. Children with Asperger syndrome have problems with pragmatic responses, as well as difficulty understanding and expressing the emotional content of communication. Vocabularies of children with Asperger syndrome may be extraordinarily rich and nuanced; on the other hand, these children can also be extremely literal and have difficulty using language in a social context. The DSM-IV gives the diagnostic criteria for Asperger syndrome as: Qualitative impairment in social interaction, as manifested by at least two of the following: ● marked impairments in the use of multiple nonverbal behaviors such as eye-to-eye gaze, facial expression, body postures, and gestures to regulate social interaction ● failure to develop peer relationships appropriate to developmental level ● a lack of spontaneous seeking to share enjoyment, interests, or achievements with other people (e.g., by a lack of showing, bringing, or pointing out objects of interest to ● lack of social or emotional reciprocity Restricted repetitive and stereotyped patterns of behavior, interests, and activities, as manifested by at least one of the following: ● encompassing preoccupation with one or more stereotyped and restricted patterns of interest that is abnormal either in intensity or focus ● apparently inflexible adherence to specific, nonfunctional routines or rituals ● stereotyped and repetitive motor mannerisms (e.g., hand or finger flapping or twisting or complex whole-body movements) ● persistent preoccupation with parts of objects ● The disturbance causes clinically significant impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning. Language: There is no clinically significant general delay in language (e.g., single words used by age 2 years, communicative phrases used by age 3 years). Cognitive Development: There is no clinically significant delay in cognitive development or in the development of age-appropriate self-help skills, adaptive behavior (other than social interaction), and curiosity about the environment in childhood; that is, they have normal or high intelligence levels Does not meet other diagnostic criteria: Criteria are not met for another specific pervasive developmental disorder or schizophrenia.",Diagnosis,Definition Request
"How can you tell autism from Asperger syndrome?
","According to the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry (AACAP), Asperger syndrome is characterized by problems with behavior and development of social skills. Because of similarities to symptoms of autism, some practitioners feel that children with these symptoms need careful evaluation and that they may benefit from different types of therapies. AACAP draws the following similarities and differences between autism and Asperger syndrome: ● Asperger syndrome appears to have a somewhat later onset than autistic disorder or at least to be recognized later. ● A child with Asperger syndrome typically functions at a higher level than a child with autism does. ● It is common for a child with Asperger syndrome to have normal to above-normal intelligence. ● Although children with Asperger syndrome may have unusual speech patterns, there is usually no delay in language development. ● In contrast to autistic disorder, there are no clinically significant delays in cognitive development or in the development of age-appropriate self-help skills, adaptive behavior, and curiosity about the environment in childhood ● Children with Asperger syndrome may have trouble interacting with children their age. They are often loners and may show behavior that some people may consider eccentric. ● Many children with Asperger syndrome have problems with muscular coordination and fine motor skills. According to the AACAP, like autism, a specific cause for Asperger syndrome is not yet known, although there may be a tendency for the condition to run in families. This may suggest a genetic link, though recent genetic studies have not revealed an “Asperger gene.” The AACAP states that children with Asperger syndrome are at a higher risk for psychiatric problems including depression, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), schizophrenia, and obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) than autistic children. Unlike autistic children, many children with Asperger syndrome finish high school and attend college and can develop healthy relationships outside of their family. In personal experience, children with autism who have relatively mild symptoms and high IQs are variously referred to by different clinicians as having autism, high-functioning autism, mild autism, and Asperger disorder. This causes much confusion for parents and professionals and implies that these diagnoses represent separate and distinct disorders differing in clinically meaningful ways and requiring different treatments, which may not be the case",Diagnosis,Diagnosis
What is pervasive developmental disorder–not otherwise specified?,"Pervasive developmental disorder–not otherwise specified (PDD–NOS) is a developmental disability that shares many characteristics with autism. Often doctors will simply use the shorthand “PDD” when referring to PDD–NOS, but this is incorrect. The term PDD refers to the class of conditions to which autism belongs. PDD is therefore not itself a diagnosis but a group of diagnoses, while PDD–NOS is a diagnosis. PDD–NOS is probably the most commonly diagnosed condition within the ASD and is sometimes referred to as “atypical personality development,” “atypical PDD,” or “atypical autism.” Children are diagnosed with PDD–NOS when they exhibit significant difficulties in the areas of social interaction, verbal communication (speech), nonverbal communication (gesture; eye contact), and play, but are too social to be considered fully autistic or any of the other explicitly defined PDDs, such as Rett syndrome or childhood disintegrative disorder. This is why PDD–NOS is sometimes considered a “subthreshold” condition. Put another way, a diagnosis of autistic disorder is made when an individual displays 6 or more of 12 symptoms listed across three major areas: social interaction, communication, and behavior. However, when children display many of these behaviors but do not meet the full criteria for autistic disorder, they may receive a diagnosis of PDD–NOS. Though the symptoms of PDD–NOS are usually manifest by the age of 3 years, studies have demonstrated that these children are usually diagnosed later and receive treatment later than other autistic children. This delay results from the confusion with the diagnosis, the comparatively less-severe behavioral symptoms, and that intellectual deficits are less common. It should be emphasized that this subthreshold category is defined by what symptoms the child lacks from the diagnosis of autism, rather than what symptoms the child has. No specific guidelines for diagnosis are provided. This lack of clear criteria for this large and diverse group of children presents problems for research on this condition.",Diagnosis,Diagnosis
What is childhood disintegrative disorder?,"Childhood disintegrative disorder (CDD) is a neurological condition with similarities to autism. This condition can be differentiated from autism by the pattern of onset, its course, and outcome. With CDD, children develop a condition that resembles autism, but only after a relatively prolonged period of normal neurological and behavioral development (usually 2 to 4 years) followed by extensive and pronounced neurological losses involving motor, language, and social skills. Accompanying the motor and language losses, there is a loss of interest in social interaction and a general loss of interest in the environment. The loss of skills such as vocabulary is more dramatic in CDD than it is in classical autism— this helps to distinguish the two diseases. As CDD progresses, often toileting and self-care abilities are lost, the child may develop seizures, and IQs are very low. The child comes to look profoundly autistic in his or her behaviors, but their disease does not progress the same as autism. As with autism, children who suffer from this condition are at increased risk for seizures. The current available data suggest that the prognosis for CDD is generally worse than that for autism. CDD was first described in 1908 by an educator in Vienna, Theodore Heller, who called it dementia infantalis. CDD characteristics were recognized many years before autism was described. Despite this, CDD has only recently been recognized officially and was frequently misdiagnosed in the past. CDD is a rare condition. Based on four surveys, an estimate found fewer than 2 children per 100,000 with ASD who could be classified as having CDD. Put another way, strictly defined autism is approximately 10 times more common than CDD. More boys are affected with CDD than girls. The etiology is unknown but several lines of evidence suggest that CDD arises as a result of some form of central nervous system pathology; the specific cause, however, is unknown. There is no known cure.",Diagnosis,Diagnosis
What is the prognosis of children with autism?,"Autism is a life-long disorder. Predicting an autistic child’s future, in regards to social abilities, scholastic achievement, and vocational potential, is difficult even for experts without a full neurological assessment and several months or years of observations. Experts look for certain predictors of future abilities, such as intelligence, verbal ability, and socialization. The most important prognostic factor is the IQ of the child. In addition, the degree of social interaction impairment and lack of appropriate communication early on correlates with the severity of the outcome. The most accurate predictor of outcome, however, is the progression over a period of about 1 year from early diagnosis. Those with mild behavioral symptoms and few autistic features may do remarkably well. Once established, the neurologic deficits of autism neither improve nor worsen during a child’s life. However, with treatment, the disabilities of autism, such as speech impairment and social interaction, can be improved in many children. This is especially true when the child is diagnosed early and treated early. Early intervention that includes behavioral modification and speech therapy has been shown to improve outcomes in autistic children. In fact, some children with autism who receive proper treatment and social support grow up to lead normal or near-normal lives. The Autism Society of America reports that many people with autism enjoy their lives and contribute to their communities. The majority of children, unfortunately, will require supervision and support of various amounts throughout their lives. The amount of supervision and social support required depends on the extent of their disabilities",Support,Prognosis
Are there risk factors for autism?,"Many studies have sought to identify risk factors for autism with the hope that finding the risk factor could lead to finding a cause of autism, measures to prevent autism, or at least help to identify autistic children earlier than now is possible. While studies have found some associations, none has been identified as “causative.” Researchers in one study examined the medical records of nearly 700 autistic children and their parents. This data came from Denmark’s national health care system, which has records on virtually all Danish children diagnosed with autism. The study evaluated every child diagnosed with autism between 1968 and 2000. Each of the nearly 700 autistic children was compared with 25 kids without autism. The researchers looked for issues such as medical problems the mothers may have had during pregnancy, difficulties during the birth of the child, history of mental disorders among the parents, and any illnesses the child had between birth and the diagnosis of autism. Researchers found that parental psychiatric histories prior to the child’s diagnosis of autism had the highest association with autism. When considering all the risks, parental psychiatric history increases the risk of an autism diagnosis by three- to fourfold. Another group of researchers noted that head size at birth among the autistic children was smaller, on average, than the children who did not develop autism. However, during the first year of life, these children experienced sudden and excessive brain growth such that their brains were larger than all but 15 percent of all measured children. This excessive growth in head size occurred well before the onset of behavioral symptoms. These researchers went on to report that the “degree, rate, and/or duration” of the excessive brain growth may be predictive of the severity of later symptoms of autism. The following is a list of conditions that occur more commonly in autistic children than in typical children: ● Delivery-associated risk factors: ● breech presentation of the baby ● low Apgar score, an index used to evaluate the condition of a newborn 5 minutes after birth ● premature birth: (a birth before 35 weeks of pregnancy) ● Parental history of mental illness: ● schizophrenia-like psychosis ● affective disorder, which includes some psychoses, depression, and bipolar disorder ● Childhood developmental history: ● rapid and excessive growth in head size during the first year of life No associations have been found between autism and: ● infant weight ● number of previous babies born to the mother ● number of doctor visits before pregnancy ● parental age at time of birth of child ● socioeconomic status",Research,Risk Factors
 What are some symptoms a parent should look for?,"The diagnosis of autism covers a wide range of behaviors and abilities. No two people with autism have exactly the same symptoms or disease intensity. Autistic symptoms occur in various combinations; each can range from mild to severe. While a symptom  might be mild in one person, in another it might be so severe that it overwhelms their personality or behavior. The following are examples of the common types of problems and behaviors a person with an ASD might exhibit. Social skills. People with autism might not interact with others the way most people do or they might not be interested in other people at all. Autistic children: ● may resist cuddling by their parents ● may appear indifferent to the goings-on in their environment ● display a lack of interest in toys ● may be so unresponsive to others that they appear to be deaf ● tend not make eye contact and may be content to be alone ● as they grow older, they might appear to lack empathy or have trouble understanding other people’s feelings such as pain or sorrow or talking about their own feelings ● may fail to establish friendships with children the same age ● may show a lack of interest in sharing enjoyment, interests, or achievements with other people Speech, language, and communication. An impaired ability to communicate is one of the hallmarks of autism ● The content of their speech may be limited to a few subjects or a just a few words. In fact, about 40 percent of children with autism do not speak at all. ● Others have echolalia. Echolalia is the medical term for an involuntary and meaningless repetition of what has been said. People with echolalia may repeat a word, phrase, or entire sentences. For example, if somebody said to a person with echolalia, “It sure is a very nice day today.” They would respond, “It sure is a very nice day today.” An autistic child may repeat a television ad or part of a song heard sometime in the past. Their voices might sound flat, lacking inflection or tonal range. They may speak too loudly or too softly and it might seem like they cannot control the volume of their voice. ● Difficulties with conversation are another problem for the autistic. This might include having problems initiating a conversation. Also, people with autism have difficulties continuing a conversation once it has begun. While some people with autism may speak well and have a command of a certain subject matter, they may not understand the give-and-take nature of a conversation and will speak continuously. ● Nonverbal communication is another issue. People with autism might not understand gestures such as waving goodbye or extending a hand to shake. They tend to make poor use of body language, such as eye contact or facial expressions, as a means of nonverbal communication. ● Pronouns appear to present a difficulty. They might say “I” when they mean “you” or vice versa. ● Children with autism do not seem to understand social cues; therefore; social appropriateness can present a problem. They may stand too close to the people they are talking to, may hug or kiss strangers, or might stick with one topic of conversation for too long. ● Autistic children have difficulty understanding their listener’s perspective, thus creating a lack of insight into the conversation. For example, a person with autism may not understand that someone is using humor or sarcasm. They may interpret the communication word for word and fail to catch the implied meaning. Repeated behaviors. People with autism might have a fascination with repetitive movement such as spinning wheels, turning on and off lights, or slamming doors. ● Their play may consist of repeatedly spinning tops or watching the same video hundreds of times. ● They may also exhibit stereotyped physical behaviors. These include body rocking, hand flapping, and/or abnormal postures such as toe walking. Rigid adherence to routines. Autistic children enjoy a set routine. Variations from that routine may upset or frighten them. Even things that appear insignificant, such as taking a different route to school or having a different shape of chocolate chip cookie, will cause them anxiety. Preoccupation with certain limited topics. Older children and adults are often fascinated by train schedules, weather patterns, dates/calendars, numbers, movie credits, or license plates. For example, they may read books about trains and collect railroad maps and train schedules.They may want to visit rail yards or ride on trains as entertainment.They may discuss trains obsessively. Preoccupation with parts of objects. Those with autism often seem fascinated by part of an object rather than the whole object itself. This would include such things as the wheels of a car rather than the car itself. Regression of development. In some children, the first signs of autism may appear during infancy and the disorder is usually diagnosed by the age of 3. In other children, their development appears normal until about 2 years old and then regresses rapidly. Inconsistent neurologic development. Children with autism develop differently from other children. Typical children develop the full range of neurologic skills (such as language, motor coordination, cognitive ability, and social skills) at about the same rate. Autistic children have an uneven rate of development in these skill areas. Autistic children may have excellent cognitive skills and be able to solve complex math problems and have a wide-ranging vocabulary, but may have difficulty communicating their ideas, taking turns, or reading the emotional content of a person’s face or tone of voice. William’s comment: Our suspicions that Liam may have a problem came in small increments. We noticed when he was about 2 years old that certain noises seemed to bother him, irrespective of the volume level. He grabbed at his ears and cried. At first, we attributed this to a possible ear infection exacerbated by a recent plane trip. The pediatrician was called; he said Liam’s ears looked fine, but we should call back in 3 months. A month or two later, a family friend in Los Angeles who works in child care suggested something might be wrong. This friend could not point to anything specific, but mentioned that Liam didn’t seem to “pop” the way his peers did. Liam was curious about children his own age or about their toys or snacks, but he didn’t engage in reciprocal play. He seemed content to play alone. He did display certain rigidities and, to a slight extent, exhibited a few self stimulatory behaviors.",Symptoms,Seeking Diagnosis
" How do doctors diagnose autism?
","There is no blood test or X-ray test for diagnosing autism. An accurate diagnosis must be based on observation of the child’s communication, behavior, and developmental levels. Autistic children have characteristic behaviors that may be obvious to both parents and clinicians in the first months to years of life. However, because many of the behaviors associated with autism are shared by other disorders, various medical tests may be ordered to rule out or identify other possible causes of the symptoms being exhibited. To diagnose a child, clinicians must observe a consistent deficit in one of three areas: 1. Impairment in social functioning. Clinicians will look for: ● impairment in many forms of nonverbal expressions (posture, eye contact) ● failure to develop age-appropriate peer relationships ● doesn’t seek to share enjoyment, interests with others ● no social or emotional exchange; avoids cuddling or touching 2. Impairments in communication. Clinicians will look for: ● delay or lack of language development ● inability to begin or sustain a conversation with look for: ● delay or lack of language development ● inability to begin or sustain a conversation with well-spoken individuals ● stereotyped/repetitive use of language ● lack of varied, imaginative play or social actions (age appropriate) ● lack of response to normal teaching methods or verbal clues ● frequent outbursts and tantrums 3. Restricted, repetitive patterns of behavior, interest, and activities. Clinicians will look for: ● abnormal intensity or focus on a certain stereotyped and restricted behavior ● inflexible routine of specific nonfunctional ritual ● stereotyped or repetitive motor mannerisms (flapping arms, spinning their body, walking on their toes) ● persistent interest with certain parts of objects Because autism encompasses such a broad spectrum of behaviors, a brief observation in a single setting cannot predict an individual’s true abilities. Several evaluations done on different days or in different settings (e.g., home, physician’s office, child’s school) will yield a more reliable diagnosis. Parental input and developmental history are very important components of making an accurate diagnosis. Typically, the diagnosis of a child with autism is a twostage process. The first stage involves developmental screening by a pediatrician during well-child checkups. It is important that the evaluation be performed when the child is feeling well. A sick child may act differently than normal and this makes the observation unreliable. The second stage entails a comprehensive evaluation by a multidisciplinary team. The team is composed of a pediatrician, developmental neurologists, and speech, physical, and occupational therapists as well as a social workerWilliam’s comment: A physician, who is a family friend, told me during the time Liam was being evaluated, that it didn’t take a “rocket scientist” to diagnose autism, but only some experience with the condition and knowledge of the diagnostic criteria. How true that statement was. The developmental pediatrician who spent 10 minutes with my son was able to give me a diagnosis that was consistent with what we got from a child psychologist who spent several hours with him, to a psychologist who administered a Bailey test and an ADOS, to another group study at UCLA that administered further tests after even more time spent with him. Everything seemed to be consistent, from the 10-minute evaluation to the ones that involved hours and hours of observation.",Diagnosis,Diagnosis
How will I know if a new therapy is right for my child?,"Choosing the right type of therapy for your child is not easy. Many programs exist whose aim is to improve behavioral symptoms in autistic children. Some even claim to “fix” the underlying problem causing autism. Unfortunately, not every child responds to even the most effective therapy and some children appear to do well in less-popular treatments. Parents should find out as much about the proposed therapy as possible because not every therapy is based on accepted scientific facts and not every qualified program employs trained teachers and therapists. A parent’s investigation should not be limited to exploring the effects of the therapy on the child, but also its affects on the child’s parents and siblings. The Autism Society of America and The National Institute of Mental Health have produced guidelines on what questions a parent should ask about any new therapy. The following are questions based on those guidelines: Will the treatment result in harm to my child? Have any other children been harmed by this treatment? How will failure of the treatment affect my child and my family? Has the treatment been validated scientifically? Can you provide the scientific literature for my review? How will my child’s progress be assessed? Will my child’s behavior be closely observed and recorded? Are the assessment procedures specified? Are they scientifically validated? Are the goals of therapy meaningful to me and/or my child? For example, a therapy whose goal is to decrease self-stimulatory behavior by 10 percent may not be worth participating in. How will the treatment be integrated into my child’s current program? Does it have a holistic approach, acknowledging that the child has other interests and goals? A parent should not become so infatuated with a given treatment that functional curriculum, vocational life, and social skills are ignored. How successful has the program been for other children? How many children have gone on to placement in a regular school and how have they performed? What are the qualifications of the staff members? How many of them will be working with my child? Do staff members have training and experience in working with children and adolescents with autism? How are activities planned and organized? Who plans them? Are there predictable daily schedules and routines? How much individual attention will my child receive? Will my child be given tasks and rewards that are personally motivating? What will the rewards be? Can that reward system be duplicated in the home? Will the program prepare me to continue the therapy at home? Is the therapeutic environment designed to minimize distractions? What is the financial cost and time commitment of this Where will the therapy take place? Does that location require a license or certification to perform this therapy? A professional and reputable therapist or therapeutic program should answer these questions easily and openly. A failure to answer to your satisfaction should give you pause and prompt further investigation before allowing your child to undergo this treatment. William’s comment: Our son is in an intense ABA program. We have found that the quality and intensity of the ABA therapy vary across the nonpublic agencies that provide care for autistic children.",Treatment,Treatment
Are medications useful in treating the behavioral problems of autistic children?,"No medication can cure autism. Some autistic children may require medication for a short time and others require life-long treatment to help with their behavior or other symptoms. Most autistic children require no medication at all. Many distressing symptoms and unusual behaviors can be improved without the medication. Reducing these distressing symptoms enhances the individual’s ability to participate in educational and community programs, as well as reducing the stress experienced by the parents or caregivers. Behavioral problems in autistic children can range from hyperactivity, motor and vocal tics, difficulty with transitioning from task to task, uncooperativeness, or defiance to aggression, uncontrollable tantrums, and self-abusive behavior, such as biting of the hands and arms. Although most behavioral problems are amenable to behavior modification techniques such as ABA, refractory, severe, or dangerous behaviors may require medication to treat them effectively.When a child develops new behaviors—especially when the onset is abrupt or the behavior is violent, parents and caregivers should be vigilant for identifiable causes of the behavior, such as conflicts at school with teachers, therapists, or classmates; allergies; physical ailments or injuries; or more serious illnesses. Even behavioral changes that occur slowly, that are sometimes dismissed as “typical autistic behavior,” can be caused by a reparable problem in the environment. Because communication is a problem with autistic children and adults, they may find it difficult to tell their caregivers that they are feeling sick or are in pain. This frustration may manifest itself as aggression or self-injury, especially if the person is pressured to continue with daily routine or work activities. When a child exhibits a deterioration of behavior, although it may eventually be attributed to their underlying autism, parents should consider the following causes first: ● Social conflict: Consult with teachers and therapists to see if there have been issues in your child’s school environment. ● Infections: Physical ailments such as earaches, tooth abscesses, and influenza may be causing problems. ● Unrecognized injury: Hyperactive children are prone to minor injuries and sometimes more serious injuries. An inability to communicate or explain the injury can result in unrecognized injuries going unnoticed by parents. Dr. Quinn’s comment: Our child suffered a serious fracture of his upper arm that went unrecognized for 2 days, and whose only symptom was emotional withdrawal and decreased interest in his favorite meals. ● Medication side effects: Many common medications, such as cold or allergy medication, can cause behavioral changes in autistic children. Paradoxically, medications used to improve behavior can sometimes worsen it. Worsening of a chronic medical condition: Behavior changes may indicate a worsening of a chronic medical condition such migraine headache, stomach ulcers, hemorrhoids, rheumatoid arthritis, or Crohn’s disease. Discussing new behaviors, as well as any other symptoms (such as fever, diarrhea, lethargy, or change in gait), with the child’s pediatrician is important. Every effort must be made in these cases to treat the underlying condition medically before treating the behaviors unnecessarily with sedatives, antidepressants, or tranquilizers.",Treatment,Medication
What types of medications are used to treat autistic children?,"The types of medications used to treat an autistic child depend on the symptoms as well as any other condition that may contribute to unacceptable behavior. Medications commonly prescribed to treat the behaviors of autistic children include antidepressants, anticonvulsants, neuroleptic medications (also known as antipsychotic medications), sedatives, and stimulants. These medications all can have serious side effects and are not prescribed lightly by concerned physicians. Although most medications can be used safely for long periods of time without harm, the use of any medication is associated with health risks. Parents should be aware of the risks to the child as well as the likely benefit to the child. Treating a child with medication should only be undertaken after the parents (and the child, when appropriate) have balanced the risks and benefits of the medication. Parents need to be made aware of all the possible side effects of any new medication as they will be observing the child most closely and can aid the treating physician in decisions about adjusting the dose of medication or eliminating it.",Treatment,Medication
How are anxiety and depression treated in an autistic person?,"Although depression has been described in autistic children, limited information is available about how frequently depression occurs. Experts believe that the rate of depression in autistic children is higher than in typical children. Common types of treatment for depression include the selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) and the tricyclic antidepressants. The SSRIs are the medications most often prescribed for symptoms of anxiety, depression, and/or obsessivecompulsive disorder (OCD). These medications are generally considered safe and have few side effects. Treatment with these medications is associated with decreased frequency of repetitive, ritualistic behavior and improvement in aggression and self-injurious behaviors. Use of SSRIs has been reported to improve a child’s eye contact and social interactions. The FDA is studying and analyzing data to understand how to use the SSRIs safely, effectively, and at the lowest dose possible. Some examples of the SSRIs include: ● Fluoxetine (Prozac). A selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI) type of antidepressant; it has been approved by the FDA for both OCD and depression in children ages 7 and older. ● Fluvoxamine (Luvox). A selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI) type of antidepressant; it has been approved by the FDA for both OCD and depression in children ages 8 and older. Although not as popular as fluoxetine, fluvoxamine has a sedating effect that is not found in Prozac. This may prove to be an advantage in hyperactive children. ● Sertraline (Zoloft). A selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI) type of antidepressant; it has been approved by the FDA for both OCD and depression in children ages 6 and older. It causes less agitation than Prozac but is associated with weight gain. Tricyclic antidepressants, while effective, are associated with many more side effects and are not as safe to use as the SSRIs. Tricyclic agents should be used with extreme caution in patients with a history of convulsions or epilepsy. These agents are known to increase the tendency for seizures. Tricyclics should also be used with caution in children with irregular heartbeats, because they can cause a worsening of irregular heart beats (cardiac arrhythmias). A frequently used medication in this class is clomipramine. ● Clomipramine (Anafranil). Clomipramine is a tricyclic antidepressant agent with both antidepressant and antiobsessional properties. Like other tricyclic antidepressant agents, clomipramine inhibits norepinephrine and serotonin uptake into central nerve terminals. It is approved for treatment of depression and obsessive compulsive disorder in children ages 10 and older. Clomipramine also appears to have a mild sedative effect that may be helpful in alleviating the anxiety component often accompanying depression. Other drugs, such as Elavil (amitriptyline hydrochloride) and Wellbutrin (buproprion hydrochloride), have not been studied as much as others but may have a role in treating depression as well as the behavioral symptoms in autism. Keep in mind that all these  drugs have potential side effects, which should be discussed with the treating physician before treatment is started. Parents should be alerted to these side effects so that they are able to discuss the effects of the medication with the physician, who may adjust the dose or stop the medication.",Treatment,Mental Health
Is there any harm in trying unproven treatments on my child?,"The ideal treatment for an autistic child would have the following characteristics: ● Curative (rather than just improving symptoms) ● Effective in all children (not just some a certain type or degree of autism) ● Quick (it would not take years of therapy to accomplish) ● Easy to administer (a pill or an injection) ● Risk free (no side effects) ● Inexpensive (cost would be minimal or free) Currently, no treatment for autism can achieve this ideal. Even the most promising treatments for autism often fall far short. Additionally, years of intensive treatment with an unexplored therapy could leave the autistic individual with substantial additional impairments. Despite this, parents desperate to help their autistic child can be lured into trying unproven treatments. It is natural for parents, educators, and even mental health professionals to ask: “What harm is there in trying this new treatment?” Unfortunately, the answer to this question is “great harm.” There are good reasons to be cautious; some of the more common reasons are listed here: Expense: No treatment is without cost, even if a practitioner were not to charge for the unproven treatment. Costs a parent can incur while trying an unproven treatment include: ● Direct financial cost: Unproven treatments are often quite expensive. Money spent on an unproven treatment takes money away from more effective treatments or from other financial obligations of the parent. When employing unproven therapy, the time to a “cure” or “substantial improvement” is unknown. Without this information, there is a tendency for parents to continue therapy long past the point where an honest professional would suggest that the therapy is not working. The hope for a cure keeps many parents spending money long after a reasonable chance of success has passed. Adding financial stress to a household with an autistic child is unwise. ● Opportunity costs: The time and resources parents spend on an unproven therapy are time and resources that could have been spent on an intervention with a greater likelihood of success. For example, many experts feel that early intervention programs that use accepted behavioral modification techniques, such as applied behavioral analysis, are particularly effective. However, if the child spends the early years in an unproven and ultimately ineffective therapy, then the opportunity for early intervention is lost. ● Psychological costs: Parents who seek “cures” or dramatic improvements in their children from unproven therapies are often disappointed. A repeated experience with treatments that are promoted with much fanfare but turn out to be ineffective can cause family members of autistic individuals to become depressed or unnecessarily cynical about new treatments, even those that are legitimate interventions. Physical harm: Physical harm can come from pharmacological, dietary, and behavioral interventions. The annals of the FDA are filled with numerous examples of substances that were initially believed to be useful and without harmful side effects that turned out to be quite harmful. Examples range from the birth defects associated with the fertility drug thalidomide to heart valve damage associated with the use of the diet drugs fenfluramine and dexfenfluramine (i.e., Fen Fen). Some practitioners are now recommending the use of substances like secretin and dimethylglycine (DMG) for the treatment of autism. The effects of long-term use have not been investigated and are unknown. Dietary interventions that recommend a very limited diet (such as a gluten-free diet) are difficult to achieve and may deprive children of needed nutrients. Other diets that encourage high-dose vitamin or mineral supplementation have sometimes led to sickness or death. Even behavioral interventions are not without risk of harm. In the past, some behavioral interventions have encouraged parents to use physical punishment to decrease the amount of socially inappropriate behavior. In some cases, this punishment has resulted in allegations of child abuse by family members. Overly restrictive or intense behavioral interventions can increase a child’s frustration level and result in an increase in autistic behaviors, with further regression from socially acceptable behaviors. Dr. Quinn’s comment: I am not suggesting that parents and professionals not be allowed to explore a range of treatment options. What is suggested is that they do so with as much information as possible, and armed with an attitude of healthy skepticism For several reasons, such skepticism is particularly important in considering treatments for autism as it acts as a balance to the strong desire to do “something” for your child. Finally and perhaps most importantly, one must always be aware of the potential for harm. William’s comment: There is no mountain a parent won’t climb barefoot if they think it would be beneficial to their autistic child. It takes real discipline to plot out a course of action and to stick to it. Financial liabilities, as Dr. Quinn mentions, can be tremendous in proven therapies (ABA). It’s not a great idea to go looking for something new and unproven.",Treatment,Alternative Treatments
Are dietary interventions helpful to autistic children?,"Yes, but, not in the way some parents think. Autistic children can suffer problems from a poor diet. On the one hand, they can be very picky eaters, limiting their diet to only a few food items that may not contain all the nutrients a child needs. A balanced and nutritious diet is important and should be a goal for parents. On the other hand, obesity can become a problem for some autistic children. As they get older and are able to open the refrigerator and reach pantry cabinets, it can become difficult to put limits on how much they eat. Further, encouraging children to exercise safely is a challenge for most parents. Discussions with the child’s pediatrician or a licensed dietician can be helpful in designing an appropriate diet for an autistic child. However, this is often not the dietary advice some parents seek. In an effort to do everything possible to help their children, many parents continually seek new diets as a form of treatment for symptoms or as a cure for autism. Unfortunately, there is no scientific evidence that supports any diet as a treatment for behavioral symptoms or a cure for autism. Not all advertised treatments are concocted by charlatans with the intent to defraud desperate parents. Some treatments are developed by reputable therapists or by parents of a child with autism who sincerely believe their diet will help. It may even have appeared to help in some child treated with it. An unproven treatment may help one child, yet may lack any benefit to another or may even be harmful. Without subjecting each diet to scientific scrutiny, no statement can be made about the treatment’s effectiveness or safety. Scientific scrutiny implies that an experimental trial is performed on a large group of autistic children by objective researchers. Typically, researchers randomly assign the autistic children into two equal groups of children of similar ages and disabilities. One group would receive an intervention, such as a new diet, medication, or nutritional supplement. The other group would receive a sham treatment or placebo pill. None of the examining doctors, the parents, or the autistic children would know who was getting the real treatment. After the trial was over and all the children were evaluated, the doctors would learn which group received the “active treatment” and which group received  the placebo or sham treatment. If there were no detectable differences between the groups, then the treatment would be determined to be ineffective. If there were a significant improvement in the treatment group, it would imply that the treatment was effective in improving autistic symptoms. This type of experiment is called a randomized, double-blind trial and it is the basis for all new treatments accepted by the FDA. Unfortunately, most dietary treatments have not been subjected to this type of evaluation.",Treatment,Diet & Nutrition
What are some tips for parenting kids with autism?,"For the parent whose child is newly diagnosed, the following are tips to help you avoid pitfalls in dealing with your child. Pay attention to your child’s environment and routine. ● Keep the environment predictable and familiar. ● Have a regular schedule that the household follows and post it on the refrigerator or other obvious place. ● Prepare your child for changes. ● Use pictures and calendars to help your child predict upcoming events. ● Clearly mark on the calendar when a trip to the dentist or pediatrician will occur. ● Explain what will happen and promise a reward for good behavior. ● There are many children’s books on topics such as trips to the dentist, doctor, or grandma’s house that can be read and explained to a child in anticipation of the first visit. ● When moving your child from an activity that they enjoy to another activity, give them a “countdown.” A countdown lets a child know they will have to change activities in a few minutes. For example, “15 minutes and the TV goes off ” or “30 minutes till bedtime.” Then mention the change in activity every few minutes until the activity changes. Using an egg timer or alarm clock is helpful for reinforcement. The countdown approach significantly decreases tantrums. ● Provide structure and routine. ● Autistic children require structure and routine and can become quite upset when even small changes occur. ● Create a daily list of events with required activities for the child. ● This daily list can be photocopied and used every day. ● Allow the child to check off accomplished activities. ● In addition to such things as playtime and bedtime,the daily list of activities should include required chores, homework, bathing, and grooming activities. In this way, the list of daily activities not only provides a calming reference for the child, but reinforces appropriate behaviors. ● Making sure that daily routines are not interrupted unnecessarily will reduce a child’s fear and anxiety as well as unwanted behavior. ● Continue the routine as much as possible when traveling with your child. ● Make sure babysitters or respite providers are made aware of the list of daily activities and whatever rewards are attendant to good behavior. This will make the babysitter’s job easier and ease the child’s anxiety. ● Be aware of sensory stimuli from the environment. It can upset the child and affect behavior. Some exam ples are: ● Noise: This can be as obvious as construction sounds from the street or as subtle as the buzzing from a fluorescent light or rush of air from the air conditioning duct. Be aware of any changes and modify them when appropriate.● Temperature: When possible, control the temperature of the child’s bedroom and play space. Be aware that some medications, such as neuroleptics or sulfa drugs, can make the child more sensitive to excess heat or sun exposure. ● Smells: Some smells bother autistic children. Be aware of new smells in the environment. These include cleaning products, paints, solvents, glues, perfumes, and deodorants. When possible, use cleaning products while your child is at school and move the child’s bed to your bedroom or the basement when painting his room. ● Strange people: Autistic children can get excited or withdrawn in the presence of new people. ● When possible, let autistic children know when a friend or relative will come to visit. ● When possible, post a picture of the visitor on the refrigerator for the child to see. Refer to it frequently before the visit. ● Prepare them for visits to doctor’s or dentist’s offices or visits to the barber by telling them what will happen, calming their fears, and promising rewards for good behavior. When you talk to your child: ● Speak clearly and in complete sentences. ● When giving instructions, be as organized and concise as possible. ● Avoid rhetorical questions or sarcastic statements. They’re not likely to be understood and will increase the tendency of the child to ignore speech. ● Avoid discussion of abstract concepts. When possible, speak in concrete terms. ● Try to respond consistently to a child’s questions or other attempts at communication.● Ignoring a child’s attempts at communication discourages him or her and reinforces the tendency for withdrawal. To help your child improve his or her behavior: ● Help your child learn to communicate. ● Work on communication early and frequently. ● Be consistent in your efforts. It will help your child improve. ● Better communication will help relieve your child’s frustration and may lead to better behavior. ● Model simple phrases for your child, such as “may I have . . .” or “I want. . .” Have your child repeat the phrase before accommodating their request. ● Use gestures, sign language, picture boards, and communication devices when speech is not possible. ● Teach your child to make choices. ● An inability to decide or make choices is a characteristic of autism. ● Providing opportunities to make choices every day may help with this. Some choices that you can provide your child with are what clothes to wear, what game to play, what channel to watch, or what snack to eat. ● Be consistent in rewarding positive behavior. ● Identify positive behavior that you’d like your child to emulate. ● Reward the behavior every time and as immediately as possible. ● Rewards may consist of verbal praise, a star on their daily list of accomplishments, or a snack or toy. ● Unwanted behavior should be identified early and addressed immediately ● Consistently address unwanted behavior; don’t let some bad behavior slide. Not addressing bad behavior will guarantee that it will be repeated. ● Autistic children often cannot “read” emotional signals such as an angry tone of voice or angry facial expression. Therefore, gain your child’s attention and let them know what behavior you expect in clear and concise terms. ● Replace the unwanted behavior with a favorite activity; that is, use distraction. ● While denying a reward in response to unwanted behavior is appropriate, physical punishment is not likely to encourage good behavior and is not recommended. ● Choose rewards you know your child will like and that you can provide. ● Promising a particular reward for a good behavior and not being able to provide it immediately after your child has accomplished the specific task is a common mistake. Tantrums and a missed opportunity to reinforce good behavior are the unfortunate outcomes. ● Before a particular reward is promised: ● Purchase any toys or snacks that you will use as a reward before you promise them. Call the park, pool, arcade, or movie theater to make sure they’re open before promising a trip.",Support,Parenting
 How do I make my home safe for my autistic child?,"The following suggestions have been found to be helpful in preventing certain types of behaviors and ensuring a safer environment. The suggestions range from using locks for security or limiting access to the individual to labeling every functional item and area in the home with photographs or symbols to assist in communication. After you have identified all the risks in the home, separate each room into one of three categories: 1. Safe 2. Needs modification 3. No access allowed Safe rooms are those rooms where the child can spend time with little risk to their safety. Rooms that require modification are rooms where furniture may need to be removed or replaced, electrical outlets covered, or locks put on doors and cabinets. Rooms labeled “no access allowed” are those rooms that contain things that can harm the child, but cannot be modified easily. For example, young autistic children have been known to be injured when climbing into washing machines or dryers. If you have a laundry room, it may be easier to put a lock on the door than to design a way to block access to the washer and dryer. The same could be said for basements filled with power tools or painting supplies. Modify the most important areas first. Not every parent can afford a complete home security makeover. Therefore, parents should identify those areas where the child spends the most time and work to secure them first. For example, the child’s bedroom, bathroom, den, kitchen, and backyard are all good places to start because these are the primary areas of interaction for many children with autism. Get the right furniture. Autistic kids can be hard on furniture. They enjoy jumping and climbing; leaping from one piece of furniture to the next. Therefore, high dressers may pose a fall injury, glass-topped coffee tables may be shattered, and sharp edges on end tables can cut and bruise active children. Furniture that poses an immediate risk to the child should be removed from the room. When choosing new furniture for a room that your autistic child will spend a lot of time in (such as their bedroom or playroom), look for soft durable chairs (for example, beanbag chairs), desks and tables with rounded edges, low beds, book cases that can be affixed to the walls, and so forth. Use locks, fences, and gates where appropriate. It is important to place locks on exterior doors that provide entry or departure to and from the home. For individuals who run away or leave the home without supervision, having locks on the doors can prevent them from leaving. Place locks on interior doors and cabinets where the individual should not have free access, such as cabinets that contain medications or cleaning supplies. Foldable gates can be used to deny access to stairwells or other rooms. Keep in mind that although these gates may be appropriate for small toddlers, as your child gets older and stronger, they may not provide an effective barrier. Enclosing the front or backyard with a fence can provide a safe haven for your child to play. If you have a pool, use a cover over the pool and lock it. Safeguard your windows. If the child likes to climb out of windows, place locks on them. Hardware stores carry special locks for just this purpose. If the child breaks glass or pounds windows, replace the glass panes with Plexiglas to prevent injury. Some parents have had to place wooden boards over windows to prevent injury or elopement. Use alarms when appropriate. Some autistic kids seem to enjoy escaping from the house unnoticed. They slip out of doors or windows and even open locks as they  get older. Putting alarms on doors and windows can alert parents of their child’s attempts at escape. This may be safer than putting up too many barriers that may prevent appropriate escape during a house fire. These needn’t be expensive, integrated security systems. Local electronic stores sell inexpensive, yet very effective, alarms for individual doors and windows. Make electrical outlets and appliances safe. Cover or remove electrical outlets and access to electrical appliances. Use plastic knob covers for doors, faucets, ovens, and stove burners. Ensure that all wiring for appliances and electronics is concealed in a way that the child cannot play with the wires or bite or cut them. Heavy items such as televisions, VCRs, or computers should not be stored in high places, so that a child could pull them down on his- or herself. Lock dangerous items away. Make sure toxic substances are secured in a locked cabinet. These substances include detergents, caustic chemicals, cleaning supplies, pesticides, medications, and small items that a child may mouth or chew. Sharp tools and kitchen implements should locked away (if practical) or placed out of sight and out of easy reach, if they are regularly used. Rather than have these items all over the house in places that are convenient to the chores they are used for, it may be safer to store them in one place, such as a closet or cabinet that can be securely locked. For items such as kitchen knives or sharp scissors, locks can be placed on individual kitchen cabinets or drawers. Remember fire safety. Regarding fire safety, it is important to have lighters and matches out of reach or locked up. Place safety covers over gas stoves and oven knobs so the child cannot turn them on. Always supervise the children closely when there is an active fire in the fireplace or when there is a barbeque with open flames. Many community fire departments can provide stickers (often called tot finders) for bedroom windows of children. These are invaluable in the event of a fire, so that firefighters can locate a child’s bedroom quickly. Although it may be difficult to teach an individual with autism or PDD about the dangerous nature of fire, it may be possible to teach them about how to behave when it comes to fire safety. Be careful with firearms in the house. Autistic children will not readily learn gun safety. No guns should be accessible in nightstands, on top of dressers, and the like. All firearms should be locked in a gun safe, unseen and inaccessible to children in the house. Consider identification options. Autistic children have a tendency to wander, to lag behind groups, to get lost, and sometimes escape from their own home. If your child has proper identification, it is easier for others to help them return home. This is especially true if your child is unable to communicate effectively. If your child will tolerate wearing a medical ID bracelet or necklace, get one (they can be found at your local drug store or ordered on the Internet). However, many children with autism do not like to wear jewelry, so the next best option is to place iron-on labels into each garment. Some children can be taught to carry an identification card in their wallet, purse, fanny pack, or knapsack. Children can be taught to show their identification cards when asked by adults.",Support,Home Safety
How can I help my other children form a relationship with their autistic sibling?,"While relationships between an autistic sibling and a typically developed sibling are more difficult to establish, they can be every bit as loving and satisfying as those between two typical siblings. Children without a full appreciation of the sensitivities and limitations of an autistic sibling find it difficult to engage that sibling in conversation or play. The effects of being frightened, ignored, or rebuffed by the autistic sibling can impede a good relationship. It is therefore not surprising that young children unfamiliar with how to speak or play with their autistic sibling may become discouraged by the reactions they encounter and seek their playmates elsewhere. Parents can encourage a good relationship between the siblings by teaching their typical children about autism and a few simple skills. Indeed, research has shown that not only can siblings learn these basic skills to engage their brother or sister with autism, but can improve their relationship and enjoy it. To improve the relationship between the siblings, the typical siblings need to learn how autistic children are different from them. Their brother or sister may not enjoy being hugged or touched in a certain way. Loud voices or noises from toys or games may be painful or frightening. Overly complex games or games that depend too much on verbal communication may be inappropriate for the autistic sibling—although this is not the case for all autistic children. This is a trial-and-error process for the parents and the siblings. The learning process can take time and should be approached incrementally. Too much too soon may wear out the children and exhaust the patience of siblings and parents alike. When the typical child gains insight into the autistic sibling’s sensitivities and interest levels, the basis for better communication and play is established. Some skills that the typical sibling can develop to better communicate with their autistic sibling are: Getting their attention: Autistic children may appear not to hear well because the focus of their interest is elsewhere. Before trying to engage the autistic sibling in play, the typical sibling should get their attention. This can include facing the child and getting them to make eye contact and respond in some way. Simplifying tasks: When attempting to teach their autistic sibling a new game or athletic skill, it is helpful to break that skill down into a series of simple steps. Each step should be explained clearly and demonstrated if possible. Giving instructions: Any instructions given should be modulated to the autistic child’s ability to comprehend. Short and simple instructions are best. If possible, demonstrating what you want may be helpful. Again, the typical child should be encouraged to be patient. Praising good performance: When the autistic child does cooperate or performs a skill well, praise is in order.This can take the form of verbal praise, hanging up a drawing on the refrigerator, or providing a treat of some kind. Positive reinforcement is a great motivator for both typical and autistic children. Parents should remember that during this learning process, the rules of skill development apply to both the typical and autistic child. Parents should be patient with the typical child, encourage their efforts, and praise their success.",Support,Sibling Relationships
How can you tell autism from Asperger syndrome?,"According to the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry (AACAP), Asperger syndrome is characterized by problems with behavior and development of social skills. Because of similarities to symptoms of autism, some practitioners feel that children with these symptoms need careful evaluation and that they may benefit from different types of therapies. AACAP draws the following similarities and differences between autism and Asperger syndrome: ● Asperger syndrome appears to have a somewhat later onset than autistic disorder or at least to be recognized later. ● A child with Asperger syndrome typically functions at a higher level than a child with autism does. ● It is common for a child with Asperger syndrome to have normal to above-normal intelligence. ● Although children with Asperger syndrome may have unusual speech patterns, there is usually no delay in language development. ● In contrast to autistic disorder, there are no clinically significant delays in cognitive development or in the development of age-appropriate self-help skills, adaptive behavior, and curiosity about the environment in childhood. ● Children with Asperger syndrome may have trouble interacting with children their age. They are often loners and may show behavior that some people may consider eccentric Many children with Asperger syndrome have problems with muscular coordination and fine motor skills.According to the AACAP, like autism, a specific cause for Asperger syndrome is not yet known, although there may be a tendency for the condition to run in families. This may suggest a genetic link, though recent genetic studies have not revealed an “Asperger gene.” The AACAP states that children with Asperger syndrome are at a higher risk for psychiatric problems including depression, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), schizophrenia, and obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) than autistic children. Unlike autistic children, many children with Asperger syndrome finish high school and attend college and can develop healthy relationships outside of their family. In personal experience, children with autism who have relatively mild symptoms and high IQs are variously referred to by different clinicians as having autism, high-functioning autism, mild autism, and Asperger disorder. This causes much confusion for parents and professionals and implies that these diagnoses represent separate and distinct disorders differing in clinically meaningful ways and requiring different treatments, which may not be the case.",Diagnosis,Diagnosis
What is childhood disintegrative disorder?,"Childhood disintegrative disorder (CDD) is a neurological condition with similarities to autism. This condition can be differentiated from autism by the pattern of onset, its course, and outcome. With CDD, children develop a condition that resembles autism, but only after a relatively prolonged period of normal neurological and behavioral development (usually 2 to 4 years) followed by extensive and pronounced neurological losses involving motor, language, and social skills. Accompanying the motor and language losses, there is a loss of interest in social interaction and a general loss of interest in the environment. The loss of skills such as vocabulary is more dramatic in CDD than it is in classical autism— this helps to distinguish the two diseases. As CDD progresses, often toileting and self-care abilities are lost, the child may develop seizures, and IQs are very low. The child comes to look profoundly autistic in his or her behaviors, but their disease does not progress the same as autism. As with autism, children who suffer from this condition are at increased risk for seizures. The current available data suggest that the prognosis for CDD is generally worse than that for autism. CDD was first described in 1908 by an educator in Vienna, Theodore Heller, who called it dementia infantalis. CDD characteristics were recognized many years before autism was described. Despite this, CDD has only recently been recognized officially and was frequently misdiagnosed in the past. CDD is a rare condition. Based on four surveys, an estimate found fewer than 2 children per 100,000 with ASD who could be classified as having CDD. Put another way, strictly defined autism is approximately 10 times more common than CDD. More boys are affected with CDD than girls. The etiology is unknown but several lines of evidence suggest that CDD arises as a result of some form of central nervous system pathology; the specific cause, however, is unknown. There is no known cure.",Diagnosis,Diagnosis
Do autistic children commonly suffer from other illnesses?,"Individuals with autism often have symptoms of various mental disorders that occur at the same time. These disorders include: ADHD, psychoses, depressive disorders, tics, Tourette’s syndrome, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and other anxiety disorders. About one third of children and adolescents with autism develop seizures. Sensory problems. When children’s perceptions are accurate, they can learn from what they see, feel, or hear. On the other hand, if sensory information is faulty, the child’s experiences of the world can be confusing. Many autistic children are highly attuned or even painfully sensitive to certain sounds, textures, tastes, and smells. Some children find the feel of clothes touching their skin almost unbearable. Some sounds—a vacuum cleaner, a ringing telephone, a sudden storm, even the sound of waves lapping the shoreline—will cause these children to cover their ears and scream. In autism, the brain seems unable to balance the senses appropriately. Some autistic children are oblivious to extreme cold or pain. An autistic child may fall and break an arm, yet never cry. Another may bash his or her head against a wall and not wince, but a light touch may make the child scream with alarm. Mental retardation. Many children with autism have some degree of mental impairment. When tested, some areas of ability may be normal, while others may be especially weak. For example, a child with autism may do well on the parts of the test that measure visual skills but earn low scores on the language subtests. Seizures. One in four children with autism develops seizures, often starting in either early childhood or adolescence. Seizures, caused by abnormal electrical activity in the brain, can produce a temporary loss of consciousness (a “blackout”), a body convulsion, unusual movements, or staring spells. Sometimes a contributing factor is a lack of sleep or a high fever. An electroencephalogram (EEG) can help confirm the seizure’s presence. In most cases, seizures can be controlled by a number of medicines called anticonvulsants. The dosage of the medication is adjusted carefully so that the least possible amount of medication will be used to be effective. Fragile X syndrome. This disorder is the most common inherited form of mental retardation. It was so named because one part of the X chromosome has a defective piece that appears pinched and fragile when under a microscope. Fragile X syndrome affects about 2 to 5 percent of people with autism. It is important to have a child with autism checked for fragile X, especially if the parents are considering having another child. For an unknown reason, if a child with autism also has fragile X syndrome, there is a one-in-two chance that boys born to the same parents will have the syndrome. Other members of the family who may be contemplating having a child may also wish to be checked for the syndrome. Tuberous sclerosis. Tuberous sclerosis is a rare genetic disorder that causes benign tumors to grow in the brain as well as in other vital organs. It has a consistently strong association with autism. One to 4 percent of people with autism also have tuberous sclerosis.",Research,Co-occurring Conditions
Is there an association between autism and Tourette’s syndrome?,"Tourette’s syndrome is an inherited neurological disorder. Its symptoms begin in early childhood and are often accompanied by obsessive-compulsive behaviors. Patients suffering from Tourette’s syndrome exhibit repeated and involuntary body movements (tics) and uncontrollable vocal sounds. While Tourette’s syndrome is commonly associated with uncontrolled vocalizations of socially inappropriate words and phrases (coprolalia), this occurs in only a minority of cases. For some, the involuntary and compulsive repeated words, phrases, or sounds are so severe that it makes communication impossible. The involuntary body movements can range from the innocuous, such as eye blinking or repeated throat clearing or sniffing, to more noticeable and disturbing movements such as arm thrusting, kicking movements, shoulder shrugging, or jumping. The commonalities of stereotyped motor movements, the repetition of words and phrases, and other mannerisms have suggested an association between autism and Tourette’s syndrome, which may include a possible common neurochemical abnormality. In fact, Tourette’s syndrome occurs in autistic children more commonly than in the general population—up to 30 percent in some studies. Making the diagnosis of Tourette’s syndrome in an autistic child can be difficult. The characteristic behaviors of Tourette’s syndrome can be mistaken autistic behaviors. For example, autistic children may exhibit self-stimulatory behaviors that resemble tics or they may perseverate sounds or words that can be mistaken for the vocal tics of Tourette’s. Diagnosis for Tourette’s is often delayed for several other reasons that include: Making the diagnosis of Tourette’s syndrome in an autistic child can be difficult. The characteristic behaviors of Tourette’s syndrome can be mistaken autistic behaviors. For example, autistic children may exhibit self-stimulatory behaviors that resemble tics or they may perseverate sounds or words that can be mistaken for the vocal tics of Tourette’s. Diagnosis for Tourette’s is often delayed for several other reasons that include: ● The symptoms of Tourette’s syndrome are variable and inconsistent. The symptoms that the parents observe at home can be different from those that the doctor sees when examining the child. ● Many physicians are unfamiliar with the disorder. They may dismiss the tics and vocalizations as “part of autism.” ● There is no laboratory or radiologic study that can diagnose Tourette’s syndrome. Instead, doctors must rely on the history of the person’s symptoms. The main criterion for a Tourette’s diagnosis is the presence of both types of tics—movement and vocal—for at least a year. Attempts at limiting the tics through behavioral modification may actually increase them.",Research,Related Conditions
"What are some ways that parents can reduce their stress?
","A normal range of emotions, fears, and concerns go
along with raising a child with autism. There is a predictable spectrum of stresses from minor irritations to
major life-altering troubles. These current and longterm challenges put you and your other children at anincreased risk for depression or stress-related illness.
Here are some ways you can approach these issues:
● Learn new ways to relax. Get involved in a hobby,
visit with friends, or practice yoga or meditation.
● Exercise. Exercise is an excellent way to take your
mind off your troubles, at least for a short time. Research shows that exercise improves the moods and
decreases the anxiety level of people who practice it
regularly (at least three times per week for at least 30
minutes per session). Exercise also improves your
health and is a way to manage your weight.
● Pay attention to your diet as well as your child’s. Monitor the quality and quantity of the food you and
your family eats. Food can easily become a way to
satisfy yourself or calm your child, but it comes at
the expense of your weight and health. Consult a
physician or dietitian if this has become a problem.
● Utilize respite care. Respite care provides a break for
parents and siblings. Plan respite care frequently;
don’t use it only when an emergency comes up or
when you’ve become burned out. Regularly planned
respite care gives parents and siblings an opportunity
to relax and allows the autistic child a chance to interact with someone outside of the family or his or
her school.
● Participate in support groups. Being active in an
autism support group can be very helpful. Support
groups for parents and siblings give the family
members an opportunity to learn from the experience of others. Parents also benefit from having a
sympathetic and nonjudgmental group with which to discuss their challenges and frustrations. The
Autism Society of America provides information
about support groups in your area. Contact them at
www.autism-society.org. ● Use counseling services if necessary. Talk with a health
professional about whether counseling would help if
you or one of your children is having trouble handling the strains related to having a family member
with autism.
● Have a spiritual life. Individual or family prayer
can reduce stress and provide a better outlook on the
future.
● Make to-do lists. Keeping a daily list of chores can
help when planning your day. It encourages focus
and adds to a sense of accomplishment.",Support,Support for Parents
What is Rett syndrome?,"Rett syndrome is a disorder of the nervous system that
has some of the same characteristics as autism. Both
diseases strike at an early age, and a loss of language and
social interaction are common in both. Like autism,
children suffering from Rett syndrome will avoid eye
contact, have a diminished ability to express feelings,
and will exhibit purposeless hand movements such as
flapping, wringing, or waving. Seizures are common in
both diseases, and neither has a known cure.
Despite the similarities, Rett syndrome and autism are
distinct diseases with many differences that distinguish
them. Autism is a disease with a male predominance,
while Rett syndrome is found in females almost exclusively. The neurologic deficits of autism remain stable;
however, Rett syndrome is a progressive neurological
disorder, whose symptoms worsen as the child gets
older. Autistic children are often first diagnosed because of speech and social interaction, though the first
symptom noticed in children with Rett syndrome is
loss of muscle tone (called hypotonia by physicians.)
Like autism, Rett syndrome knows no geographic,
racial, or social boundaries. Fewer then 1 percent of
Rett cases have a familial inheritance pattern; that is,
very few cases are found in families who have relatives
with Rett syndrome. Rett syndrome is known to be associated with mutations in the gene MECP2 located on the X chromosome. It is not known if this gene mutation causes Rett
syndrome or is just a marker for the disease. Nevertheless, the discovery of the MECP2 gene has made possible the development of a blood test for Rett
syndrome. Approximately 85 percent of all patients diagnosed with Rett syndrome also test positive for an
MECP2 mutation. This does not mean that the remaining 15 percent do not have Rett syndrome. Although testing positive for a mutation confirms the
diagnosis, it is not required. The diagnosis of the disorder, however, is still based on symptoms and clinical
history. It is possible that mutations exist in an area of
MECP2 that has not yet been sequenced or perhaps
other genes contribute to Rett syndrome. No blood test
yet exists for the diagnosis of autism.
The following criteria are used for making a clinical
diagnosis of Rett syndrome. Please keep in mind that
Rett syndrome is a spectrum disorder like autism.
Not all the symptoms are seen in every patient and
the severity of a symptom may vary widely from patient
to patient.
Diagnostic Criteria
● Period of apparent normal development until 6–18
months Regression (in other words, a change from normal
early development into impaired abilities)
● Diminished ability to express feelings
● Avoidance of eye contact
● Grinding teeth
● Loss of verbal language
● Purposeful hand use replaced by stereotypical hand
movements such as flapping or waving 
● Normal head circumference at birth followed by
slowing of the rate of head growth
● If able to walk, gait is usually wide-based and
stiff-legged
● Shakiness of torso and/or limbs, especially when
upset
● Growth retardation and decreased body fat and
muscle mass
Although some individuals with Rett syndrome die at
a young age, the majority live into adulthood. Autism,
on the other hand, is not associated with a reduced
life span.",Other,Related Conditions
What should a parent do about childhood immunizations?,"Parents should familiarize themselves first with the information about the importance of vaccinations. For
example, we do know that people will become ill and
some will die from the diseases vaccines prevent.
Measles outbreaks have occurred between 2000 and
2002 in the United Kingdom and Germany following
an increase in the number of parents who chose not to
have their children vaccinated with the MMR vaccine.
Discontinuing a vaccine program based on unproven
theories would not be in anyone’s best interest.
Parents can become frightened by isolated reports
about these vaccines causing long-term health problems. However, careful review reveals that these reports
are isolated and not confirmed by scientifically sound
research. Detailed medical reviews of health effects reported after receipt of vaccines have often proven to be
unrelated to vaccines; rather they have been related to
other health factors. Current scientific evidence does
not show that MMR vaccine, or any combination of
vaccines, causes the development of autism, including
regressive forms of autism. Based on this evidence, scientists at the Centers for Disease Control offer some
advice to parents:
● The younger sibling of an autistic child can be vaccinated with MMR or other vaccines safely. A
younger sibling or the child of someone who suffered a vaccine side effect usually can, and should,
safely receive the same vaccine. This is especially
true because the large majority of side effects after
vaccination are local reactions and fever, which do
not represent a contraindication.
● It is not appropriate to delay vaccination of a child
until more studies are performed on the autism
and vaccinations relationship. There is no convincing evidence that vaccines such as MMR cause longterm health effects.
● There does not appear to be any advantage to
“splitting” the doses of the MMR vaccines into individual components in order to reduce the risk of
autism. There is no confirmed scientific research or
data to indicate that there is any benefit to separating the MMR vaccine into its individual components. The specific issue of the safety of multiple
vaccines given as one vaccine was addressed by the
Institute of Medicine in 1994 and again in 2002. An
IOM Immunization Safety Review Committee concluded that a review of the available scientific evidence does not support the suggestion that the
infant immune system is inherently incapable of handling the number of antigens that children are
exposed to during routine immunizations. The IOM
committee also did not suggest any need to change
the current U.S. vaccination schedule for MMR. Pediatricians suggest that splitting the MMR vaccine
into three separate doses given at three different
times would cause more discomfort from additionainjections and would leave children exposed to potentially serious diseases. For instance, if rubella vaccine were delayed, four million children would be
susceptible to rubella for an additional 6 to 12
months. This would potentially allow preventable
cases of congenital rubella syndrome (CRS) to occur
through transmission of rubella from infected children to pregnant women.",Other,Immunizations
Is mercury exposure dangerous?,"Yes, exposure to mercury can be dangerous and does result in neurologic illness. Small amounts of mercury are
found in the preservative thimerosal, which is used in
vaccinations. The presence of mercury in vaccinations
has led many concerned parents to make a connection
between mercury exposure and the development of
autism. It may be helpful, therefore, to discuss mercury system slowly, but it is also slowly eliminated. Organic
mercury compounds are more readily adsorbed and can
cross into the brain much more readily than inorganic
mercury. The data available from small studies with
children have suggested that ethylmercury is less toxic
than methylmercury and that it is eliminated from the
body more rapidly.
The toxic effects of working with mercury have been
well known for millennia. Metal workers and smelters
were known to suffer neurologic effects of working
with mercury. These effects were also found among
hat makers in the 19th century. A mercury solution
was commonly used during the process of turning fur
into felt, causing the hatters to breathe in the fumes
of this highly toxic metal, a situation exacerbated by
the poor ventilation of most of the workshops. This
led in turn to an accumulation of mercury in the workers’ bodies, resulting in symptoms such as drooling,
hair loss, uncontrollable muscle trembling and twitching, loss of coordination, a lurching gait, difficulties
in forming words, slurred speech, loosening of teeth,
memory loss, depression, irritability, and anxiety. In
very severe cases, they experienced hallucinations. This
became know as the “mad hatter syndrome” in England during the 18th and 19th century, as was popularized in the Mad Hatter character in Lewis Carroll’s
Alice in Wonderland.
During the same period in the United States, Danbury Connecticut, was known as the “Hat City”; many of its
citizens were employed in the hat-making industry. Mercury toxicity was so common in that city
that physicians in surrounding areas referred to the neurologic symptoms of confusion, lack of coordination,
and trembling hands as “The Danbury Shakes.” One of the most infamous examples of acute mercury
exposure in recent history occurred during the 1970s in
Iraq. Grain treated with an organic mercury fungicide
was the source of contaminated bread. Adults experienced visual disturbances with some subsequent blindness. Prenatal exposures resulted in children with
psychomotor retardation manifesting in increased incidence of seizures and delays in learning to walk. During the 1950s in Japan, pregnant women in the
Minamata Bay area consumed fish with high levels of
methylmercury, resulting in at least 30 cases of infantile
cerebral palsy, as well as the deaths of over 100 people.
It should be noted that epidemiologic studies were performed on these populations. Children exposed to high
levels of methylmercury while still in their mother’s
womb experienced significant neurological deficits as
well as more subtle developmental delays; however,
autism was not observed any more frequently in these
populations. Further, the mercury contained in some vaccines is handled very differently by the body than the methylmercury found in foods such as fish or the mercury from
industrial accidents. The ethylmercury in vaccines is
eliminated from the body more than two times faster
than methylmercury. Therefore, one cannot extrapolate
the clinical effects of significant prenatal exposures of
methylmercury upon a population of patients with a less
intense, postnatal exposure to ethyl-mercury. 
and its effects on the nervous system in general terms
here. In a later section of this book, thimerosal will be
discussed at length.
Mercury occurs naturally in three forms. These are
elemental, inorganic, and organic. The elemental form
of mercury is the type that used to be found in thermometers; it is silvery, shiny, and looks like liquid
metal. The inorganic form comes as mercury bound
to another element, such as chlorine or sulfur, in the
form of a salt. The last form is organic mercury, such
as phenyl-, ethyl-, and methylmercury. Each of these
three forms of mercury can cause different levels of
illness depending upon the amount of exposure, the
route of exposure, and how much is absorbed by
the body.
Inorganic mercury enters the body readily, accumulating mostly in the kidney. It enters the central nervous",Research,Potential Causes
What is SSI?,"Supplemental security income (SSI) is a need-based
program that provides cash assistance to people with limited income and assets who are age 65 or older, disabled, or blind. Children can qualify if they meet Social
Security’s definition of disability. SSI is funded by the
federal government and is administered by the Social
Security Administration (SSA).
As its name implies, SSI supplements a person’s income
up to a certain level. The level varies from one state to
another and can go up every year based on cost-ofliving increases. Recipients of this benefit also receive
Medicaid. Your local Social Security office can tell you
more about the SSI benefit levels in your state.
Supplemental security income is not Social Security.
Social Security is a program that provides retirement
benefits, survivors’ benefits, and disability benefits to
people who have worked enough to qualify or to their
spouses and children. The benefits are based in part
on payments made to Social Security while working.
Most people over the age of 65 receive Social Security payments",Support,Financial Support
How does the government decide if a child is disabled?,"While your local Social Security office decides if your
child’s income and assets are within the SSI limits, all
documents and evidence pertaining to the disability are
sent to a state office, usually called the Disability Determination Service (DDS). There, a team consisting
of a disability evaluation specialist and a medical or
psychological consultant reviews your child’s case to
decide if he or she meets the definition of disability.
If the available records are not thorough enough for
the DDS team to make a decision, you may be asked
to take your child to a special examination that Social
Security will pay for. It is very important that you do
this and that your child puts forth his or her best effort
during the examination.
As you can see, it is imperative to collect, organize, and
safely store all of your child’s school records as well as
records of psychological, neurological, and medical examinations. They will continue to be examined as long
as your child requires medical care or insurance benefits.
The law states that a child will be considered disabled
if he or she has a physical or mental condition (or a
combination of conditions) that results in “marked and
severe functional limitations.” The condition must last
or be expected to last at least 12 months or be expected
to result in the child’s death. In addition, the child must
not be working at a job that is considered to be substantial work by the government.
To make this decision, the disability evaluation specialist first checks to see if a child’s disability can be found
in a special listing of impairments that is contained in
Social Security’s regulations. These listings are descriptions of symptoms, signs, or laboratory findings of
more than 100 physical and mental problems, such as
cerebral palsy, mental retardation, or muscular dystrophy, that are severe enough to disable a child. The
child’s condition does not have to be one of the conditions on the list. But if the symptoms, signs, or laboratory findings of the child’s condition are the same as, or medically equal in severity to, the listing, your child is
considered disabled for SSI purposes. If your child’s
impairment(s) does not meet or medically equal a listing, the DDS then decides whether it “functionally
equals” the listings. They assess the effects of the condition or combination of conditions on your child’s ability to perform daily activities by comparing your
child’s functioning to that of children the same age who
do not have impairments. To do this, they consider
questions such as:
● What activities is your child able to perform?
● Which activities are limited in comparison with
those of same-age peers?
● What type and amount of help does your child need
to complete age-appropriate activities?
To determine whether your child’s impairment causes
“marked and severe functional limitations,” the disability evaluation team obtains evidence from a wide variety of sources who have knowledge of your child’s
condition and how it affects his or her ability to function on a day-to-day basis and over time. These sources
include, but are not limited to, the doctors and other
health professionals who treat your child, teachers,
counselors, therapists, and social workers. A finding of
disability will not be based solely on your statements or
on the fact that your child is, or is not, enrolled in special education classes.",Diagnosis,Legal & Policy
What health care services are available to my child?,"State Children’s Health Insurance Program (CHIP): Legislation passed in 1997 created a new Title XXI of the Social Security Act, known as the State Children’s Health Insurance Program (CHIP). This new program
enables states to insure children from working families
with incomes too high to qualify for Medicaid, but
too low to afford private health insurance. The program provides protection for prescription drugs and vision, hearing, and mental health services and is
available in all 50 states and the District of Columbia.
Your state Medicaid agency can provide more information about CHIP or you can go to this Web site:
cms.hhs.gov/schip/.
Children with Special Health Care Needs (CSHCN): If
your child is disabled and is found to be eligible for
SSI, he or she can be referred for health care services
under the Children with Special Health Care Needs
(CSHCN) provisions of the Social Security Act. These
programs are generally administered through state
health agencies.
Although there are differences from state to state, most
CSHCN programs help provide specialized services through arrangements with clinics, private offices, hospital-based out- and inpatient treatment centers, or community agencies. CSHCN programs are known in the states by a variety
of names, including Children’s Special Health Services,
Children’s Medical Services, and Handicapped Children’s Program. Even if your child is not eligible for
SSI, a CSHCN program may be able to help you.
Local health departments, social services offices, or
hospitals should be able to help you contact your
CSHCN program.
Family Reimbursement Programs: These programs provide reimbursement for services not covered under other means such as Medicaid. Services reimbursed
may include respite, camps, educational materials, therapies, and the like. Contact the Developmental Disabilities Council in your state for more information.",Treatment,Healthcare Services
What is a will?,"A will is a written legal document that provides instructions for the disposition of your property (also
called your assets or your estate) after you have died.The term “last will and testament” is simply a more
complicated name for a will. A will is generally prepared with the help of an attorney.
A will is necessary for anyone who cares how their
property is distributed upon their death, who would
handle matters for those left behind, or who would
serve as guardian for their minor children. The parents
of an autistic child need to keep in mind that bequests
made in a will can have an effect on their child’s eligibility for federal benefits. If the disabled child is a direct beneficiary of money or other valuable assets with
a value of greater than $2,000, this may disqualify the
child from state and federal benefits.
When preparing a will, three people need to be identified within your will to make sure your wishes are
carried out. These are the guardian, the trustee, and the
executor.
● The guardian is a responsible adult whom you put in
charge of caring for and raising your children who
are less than 18 years old or any disabled adult child.
● The trustee is the person who will manage any property you wish to be held in a trust vehicle, usually for
future use by beneficiaries.
● The executor for your estate is one who will be responsible for ensuring that all of your wishes as ar ticulated in the will are carried out.",Other,Legal Question
What is a special needs trust?,"A special needs trust (also called a supplemental needs
trust) is a legal vehicle that harbors assets for a disabled
child or adult such that the resources are not considered
in determining eligibility for government benefits. A special needs trust can be relatively inexpensive to establish and very often is a one-time investment.
Special needs trusts have become the planning tool of
choice for many families of dependents with special
needs. They can accomplish several goals that include:
● providing funds for the care of the individual with
special needs without disqualifying him or her for
government benefits
● keeping assets out of the child’s name and control
● providing for the professional management of assets
A special needs trust is not like a regular trust fund. Mistakes made now in setting up the trust can be costly later.
Therefore, although any attorney can set up a special
needs trust, families should contact an attorney with experience in estate planning for those with developmental disabilities to set up such a trust for their child.
A special needs trust serves no purpose if there is not
enough money in it to help your child when you’re
gone. Once the trust is established, parents, friends,
and other family members can contribute to the trust.
However, once the money is placed in the trust, it cannot be removed by the guardian or trustee, except for
the specific benefit of the beneficiary. This limitation makes it common practice for parents and others to
contribute little in the trust fund during their lifetime,
since they may have unexpected needs for the money.
Making the child’s trust fund the beneficiary of bequests in the will or the beneficiary of a parent’s life insurance policies, annuities, and qualified plans is now
common. Finally, other family members and friends
who want to help can put money into the trust",Support,Legal & Financial
What is guardianship?,"Guardianship is a legal means of protecting children
and adults who cannot take care of themselves, make
decisions that are in their own best interest, or handle
their assets. When the court determines that a person
is incapable of handling either their personal and/or
financial affairs and appoints a guardian, the person who is disabled is referred to as the guardian’s ward. A
guardian is responsible for monitoring the care of the
ward. The guardian need not use their own money for
the ward’s expenses, provide daily supervision of the
ward, or even live with the ward. However, the
guardian must attempt to ensure that the ward is receiving proper care and supervision, and the guardian is
responsible for decisions regarding most medical care,
education, and vocational issues. For highly unusual
decisions that were not anticipated at the time of the
original guardianship hearing, the guardian should ask
the court for instructions. The court must make decisions involving intrusive forms of treatment, such as
administration of antipsychotic medication, sterilization, and the withdrawal of life-prolonging treatments.
These unusual issues may be decided by parents and
memorialized in their letter of intent for the care of
their child. The court supervises guardianships; therefore, the guardian is required to report to the court annually on the status of the ward.",Support,Legal & Financial
ما هو التوحد؟,"التوحد هو مصطلح يشير إلى مجموعة من اضطرابات النمو التي تؤثر على الدماغ. يؤثر هذا الاضطراب الدماغي على قدرة الشخص على التواصل وتكوين علاقات مع الآخرين والاستجابة بشكل مناسب للعالم الخارجي. يميل الأشخاص المصابون بالتوحد إلى أن يكون لديهم سلوكيات أو اهتمامات متكررة وأنماط تفكير جامدة. تختلف شدة التوحد بشكل كبير. يمكن لبعض الأشخاص المصابين بالتوحد أن يعملوا بمستوى عالٍ نسبيًا، مع سلامة الكلام والذكاء. يعاني آخرون من ضعف إدراكي خطير وتأخر في اللغة؛ والبعض الآخر لا يتكلم أبدًا. قد يتجنب الرضيع المصاب بالتوحد التواصل البصري ويبدو أصمًا ويتوقف فجأة عن تطوير المهارات اللغوية والاجتماعية. وقد تم الإبلاغ عن أن حوالي 20 بالمائة من الأطفال المصابين بالتوحد يعانون من هذا النوع من ""الانحدار"" العصبي. قد يتصرف الطفل المصاب بالتوحد كما لو كان غير مدرك لمجيء وذهاب الآخرين أو يهاجم الآخرين جسديًا ويؤذيهم دون استفزاز. غالبًا ما يظل الأطفال المصابون بالتوحد مهووسين بعنصر أو نشاط واحد، ويهزون أيديهم أو يرفرفونها، ويبدون غير حساسين للحروق والكدمات، وقد يبدو أنهم يؤذون أنفسهم عمدًا. يظهر هذا الاضطراب عادةً لدى الأطفال في سن الثالثة، على الرغم من أن بعض الأطفال يُشخَّصون به في سن أكبر. يكون الأولاد أكثر عرضة للإصابة بالتوحد بثلاث إلى أربع مرات من البنات. عندما تُصاب الفتيات بهذا الاضطراب، تميل أعراضهن إلى أن تكون أكثر حدة وضعفًا إدراكيًا أكبر. يحدث التوحد في جميع الفئات العرقية والإثنية والاجتماعية. على الرغم من أن سبب التوحد غير معروف، إلا أنه يمكن ربط مجموعة متنوعة من العوامل ببعض أشكال التوحد. وتشمل هذه العوامل المعدية والأيضية والوراثية والعصبية والبيئية مثل النظام الغذائي والتعرض للسموم أو الأدوية. درس طبيب في مستشفى جونز هوبكنز، الدكتور ليو كانر، مجموعة من 11 طفلاً يعانون من تأخر في النمو في أوائل أربعينيات القرن الماضي. واستنادًا إلى انخراطهم الذاتي وسلوكهم التحفيزي الذاتي المميز، صاغ مصطلح التوحد الطفولي المبكر. قام عالم ألماني يُدعى الدكتور هانز أسبرجر، في نفس الوقت تقريبًا الذي أجرى فيه الدكتور كانر دراسةً على مجموعة من الأطفال الذين يعانون من أعراض عصبية متشابهة، وإن كانت أخف. عُرف هذا الشكل الأخف من التوحد باسم متلازمة أسبرجر (AS).",Support,Seeking Information
ما هو متلازمة اسبرجر؟,متلازمة أسبرجر (أو اضطراب أسبرجر) هي اضطراب عصبي قد يكون جزءًا من طيف الاضطرابات التوحدية. لدى الأطفال المصابين بمتلازمة أسبرجر سلوكيات مميزة يمكن أن تسبب إعاقات تتراوح من خفيفة إلى شديدة. يشار إلى متلازمة أسبرجر أحيانًا باسم التوحد عالي الأداء (HFA) وقد سُميت على اسم الطبيب النمساوي هانز أسبرجر. نشر الدكتور أسبرجر ورقة بحثية عام 1944، وصف فيها نمطًا من السلوكيات لدى العديد من الصبية الصغار الذين يتمتعون بذكاء وتطور لغوي طبيعي، لكنهم أظهروا أيضًا سلوكيات تشبه التوحد وقصورًا ملحوظًا في المهارات الاجتماعية والتواصلية. على الرغم من نشر ورقته البحثية في أربعينيات القرن الماضي، لم تتم إضافة متلازمة أسبرجر إلى الطبعة الرابعة من الدليل التشخيصي والإحصائي للاضطرابات العقلية (DSM-IV) إلا في عام 1994، ولم يتم التعرف على متلازمة أسبرجر من قبل المتخصصين وأولياء الأمور إلا في السنوات القليلة الماضية. يُعد قصور التواصل الاجتماعي سمة أساسية لمتلازمة أسبرجر، على الرغم من أن هذه القصورات يمكن أن تتفاوت في مداها. مع أن المصابين بهذا الاضطراب لا يُظهرون أي مؤشر على ضعف في اللغة الأساسية، إلا أن مهاراتهم الفعلية في المحادثة ضعيفة. يعاني الأطفال المصابون بمتلازمة أسبرجر من مشاكل في الاستجابات العملية، بالإضافة إلى صعوبة في فهم المحتوى العاطفي للتواصل والتعبير عنه. قد تكون مفردات الأطفال المصابين بمتلازمة أسبرجر غنية ودقيقة للغاية؛ من ناحية أخرى، قد يكون هؤلاء الأطفال شديدي الحرفية ويواجهون صعوبة في استخدام اللغة في سياق اجتماعي. يقدم الدليل التشخيصي والإحصائي للاضطرابات العقلية (DSM-IV) معايير التشخيص لمتلازمة أسبرجر على النحو التالي: ضعف نوعي في التفاعل الاجتماعي، كما يتجلى في اثنين على الأقل من الأعراض التالية: ● ضعف ملحوظ في استخدام سلوكيات غير لفظية متعددة مثل النظرة المباشرة، وتعبيرات الوجه، ووضعيات الجسم، والإيماءات لتنظيم التفاعل الاجتماعي ● الفشل في تطوير علاقات الأقران المناسبة لمستوى النمو ● الافتقار إلى السعي التلقائي لمشاركة المتعة أو الاهتمامات أو الإنجازات مع أشخاص آخرين (على سبيل المثال، من خلال عدم إظهار أو إحضار أو الإشارة إلى الأشياء التي تهم الآخرين ● الافتقار إلى المعاملة بالمثل الاجتماعية أو العاطفية أنماط سلوكية واهتمامات وأنشطة مقيدة ومتكررة ونمطية، كما يتجلى في واحد على الأقل من الأعراض التالية: ● الانشغال الشامل بنمط أو أكثر من أنماط الاهتمام النمطية والمقيدة غير الطبيعية إما في شدتها أو تركيزها ● الالتزام غير المرن على ما يبدو بالروتين أو الطقوس المحددة غير الوظيفية ● اضطرابات حركية نمطية ومتكررة السلوكيات (مثل رفرفة اليد أو الأصابع أو الالتواء أو حركات الجسم الكاملة المعقدة) ● الانشغال المستمر بأجزاء من الأشياء ● يسبب الاضطراب ضعفًا سريريًا كبيرًا في المجالات الاجتماعية أو المهنية أو غيرها من المجالات المهمة للأداء. اللغة: لا يوجد تأخير عام كبير في اللغة (مثل الكلمات المفردة المستخدمة في سن عامين، والعبارات التواصلية المستخدمة في سن 3 سنوات). التطور المعرفي: لا يوجد تأخير كبير في التطور المعرفي أو في تطوير مهارات المساعدة الذاتية المناسبة للعمر، والسلوك التكيفي (بخلاف التفاعل الاجتماعي)، والفضول بشأن البيئة في مرحلة الطفولة؛ أي أن لديهم مستويات ذكاء طبيعية أو عالية لا يلبي معايير التشخيص الأخرى: لم يتم استيفاء المعايير لاضطراب نمو شامل محدد آخر أو انفصام الشخصية.,Symptoms,Seeking Information
كيف يمكنك التمييز بين التوحد ومتلازمة أسبرجر؟,"وفقًا للأكاديمية الأمريكية لطب الأطفال والمراهقين (AACAP)، تتميز متلازمة أسبرجر بمشاكل في السلوك وتطور المهارات الاجتماعية. ونظرًا للتشابه مع أعراض التوحد، يرى بعض الممارسين أن الأطفال الذين يعانون من هذه الأعراض يحتاجون إلى تقييم دقيق وأنهم قد يستفيدون من أنواع مختلفة من العلاجات. وتستنتج AACAP أوجه التشابه والاختلاف التالية بين التوحد ومتلازمة أسبرجر: ● يبدو أن متلازمة أسبرجر لها بداية متأخرة إلى حد ما عن اضطراب التوحد أو على الأقل يتم التعرف عليها في وقت متأخر. ● عادةً ما يعمل الطفل المصاب بمتلازمة أسبرجر بمستوى أعلى من الطفل المصاب بالتوحد. ● من الشائع أن يتمتع الطفل المصاب بمتلازمة أسبرجر بذكاء طبيعي إلى أعلى من المعدل الطبيعي. ● على الرغم من أن الأطفال المصابين بمتلازمة أسبرجر قد يكون لديهم أنماط كلام غير عادية، إلا أنه لا يوجد عادةً أي تأخير في تطور اللغة. ● على النقيض من اضطراب التوحد، لا توجد تأخيرات سريرية كبيرة في التطور المعرفي أو في تطوير مهارات المساعدة الذاتية المناسبة للعمر والسلوك التكيفي والفضول بشأن البيئة في مرحلة الطفولة ● قد يواجه الأطفال المصابون بمتلازمة أسبرجر صعوبة في التفاعل مع الأطفال في سنهم. غالبًا ما يكونون منعزلين وقد يظهرون سلوكًا قد يعتبره بعض الناس غريب الأطوار. ● يعاني العديد من الأطفال المصابين بمتلازمة أسبرجر من مشاكل في التنسيق العضلي والمهارات الحركية الدقيقة. وفقًا للأكاديمية الأمريكية لطب الأطفال وطب الأطفال (AACAP)، مثل التوحد، لم يُعرف بعد سبب محدد لمتلازمة أسبرجر، على الرغم من أنه قد يكون هناك ميل للحالة للانتشار في العائلات. قد يشير هذا إلى وجود صلة وراثية، على الرغم من أن الدراسات الجينية الحديثة لم تكشف عن ""جين أسبرجر"". تنص الأكاديمية الأمريكية لطب الأطفال وطب الأطفال (AACAP) على أن الأطفال المصابين بمتلازمة أسبرجر معرضون لخطر أكبر للإصابة بمشاكل نفسية بما في ذلك الاكتئاب واضطراب نقص الانتباه وفرط النشاط (ADHD) والفصام واضطراب الوسواس القهري (OCD) مقارنة بالأطفال المصابين بالتوحد. على عكس الأطفال المصابين بالتوحد، يُنهي العديد من الأطفال المصابين بمتلازمة أسبرجر دراستهم الثانوية ويلتحقون بالجامعة، ويمكنهم بناء علاقات صحية خارج نطاق أسرهم. من واقع خبرتي الشخصية، يُطلق الأطباء على الأطفال المصابين بالتوحد، الذين يعانون من أعراض خفيفة نسبيًا ومعدلات ذكاء عالية، أسماءً مختلفة، مثل التوحد، والتوحد عالي الأداء، والتوحد الخفيف، واضطراب أسبرجر. يُسبب هذا لبسًا كبيرًا للآباء والمتخصصين، ويوحي بأن هذه التشخيصات تُمثل اضطرابات منفصلة ومتميزة، تختلف اختلافًا جوهريًا من الناحية السريرية، وتتطلب علاجات مختلفة، وهو ما قد لا يكون صحيحًا.",Diagnosis,Diagnosis
ما هو اضطراب التفكك الطفولي؟,اضطراب التفكك الطفولي (CDD) هو حالة عصبية تشبه التوحد. يمكن التمييز بين هذه الحالة والتوحد من خلال نمط البداية ومسارها ونتائجها. في حالة اضطراب التفكك الطفولي، يُصاب الأطفال بحالة تشبه التوحد، ولكن فقط بعد فترة طويلة نسبيًا من النمو العصبي والسلوكي الطبيعي (عادةً من سنتين إلى أربع سنوات) تليها خسائر عصبية واسعة النطاق وواضحة تشمل المهارات الحركية واللغوية والاجتماعية. يصاحب الخسائر الحركية واللغوية فقدان الاهتمام بالتفاعل الاجتماعي وفقدان عام للاهتمام بالبيئة. يكون فقدان المهارات مثل المفردات أكثر حدة في اضطراب التفكك الطفولي منه في التوحد الكلاسيكي - وهذا يساعد على التمييز بين المرضين. مع تقدم اضطراب التفكك الطفولي، غالبًا ما يفقد الطفل قدرته على استخدام المرحاض والعناية بالنفس، وقد يُصاب بنوبات صرع، وينخفض معدل الذكاء بشكل كبير. يبدو الطفل مصابًا بالتوحد بشكل عميق في سلوكياته، لكن مرضه لا يتطور بنفس طريقة تطور التوحد. كما هو الحال مع التوحد، فإن الأطفال الذين يعانون من هذه الحالة معرضون لخطر متزايد للإصابة بالنوبات. تشير البيانات المتاحة حاليًا إلى أن تشخيص CDD أسوأ بشكل عام من تشخيص التوحد. تم وصف CDD لأول مرة في عام 1908 من قبل معلم في فيينا، ثيودور هيلر، الذي أطلق عليه اسم الخرف الطفولي. تم التعرف على خصائص CDD قبل سنوات عديدة من وصف التوحد. وعلى الرغم من ذلك، لم يتم التعرف على CDD رسميًا إلا مؤخرًا وكان يتم تشخيصه بشكل خاطئ في كثير من الأحيان في الماضي. CDD هي حالة نادرة. بناءً على أربعة مسوحات، وجد التقدير أن أقل من طفلين لكل 100000 مصاب باضطراب طيف التوحد يمكن تصنيفهم على أنهم مصابون بـ CDD. بعبارة أخرى، فإن التوحد المحدد بدقة أكثر شيوعًا بحوالي 10 مرات من CDD. يصاب الأولاد بـ CDD أكثر من البنات. السبب غير معروف ولكن العديد من خطوط الأدلة تشير إلى أن CDD ينشأ نتيجة لبعض أشكال أمراض الجهاز العصبي المركزي؛ ومع ذلك، فإن السبب المحدد غير معروف. لا يوجد علاج معروف.,Support,Diagnosis
ما هو تشخيص الأطفال المصابين بالتوحد؟,التوحد اضطرابٌ يستمر مدى الحياة. يصعب التنبؤ بمستقبل الطفل المصاب بالتوحد، من حيث قدراته الاجتماعية وتحصيله الدراسي وإمكاناته المهنية، حتى على الخبراء دون تقييم عصبي شامل ورصد لعدة أشهر أو سنوات. يبحث الخبراء عن مؤشرات محددة للقدرات المستقبلية، مثل الذكاء والقدرة اللفظية والتواصل الاجتماعي. ويُعدّ معدل ذكاء الطفل أهم عامل تنبؤي. إضافةً إلى ذلك، ترتبط درجة ضعف التفاعل الاجتماعي وضعف التواصل المناسب في مرحلة مبكرة بشدة النتيجة. إلا أن أدق مؤشر للنتيجة هو تطور الحالة على مدار عام تقريبًا من التشخيص المبكر. قد يتحسن أداء أولئك الذين يعانون من أعراض سلوكية خفيفة وسمات توحدية قليلة بشكل ملحوظ. بمجرد تحديد هذه العيوب العصبية، لا تتحسن ولا تتفاقم خلال حياة الطفل. ومع ذلك، يمكن تحسين إعاقات التوحد، مثل ضعف الكلام والتفاعل الاجتماعي، لدى العديد من الأطفال، مع العلاج. وينطبق هذا بشكل خاص عند تشخيص الطفل وعلاجه مبكرًا. لقد ثبت أن التدخل المبكر، الذي يشمل تعديل السلوك وعلاج النطق، يُحسّن النتائج لدى الأطفال المصابين بالتوحد. في الواقع، يكبر بعض الأطفال المصابين بالتوحد الذين يتلقون العلاج والدعم الاجتماعي المناسبين ليعيشوا حياة طبيعية أو شبه طبيعية. أفادت جمعية التوحد الأمريكية أن العديد من المصابين بالتوحد يستمتعون بحياتهم ويساهمون في مجتمعاتهم. للأسف، سيحتاج معظم الأطفال إلى الإشراف والدعم بدرجات متفاوتة طوال حياتهم. ويعتمد مقدار الإشراف والدعم الاجتماعي المطلوب على مدى إعاقتهم.,Diagnosis,Diagnosis
هل هناك عوامل خطر للإصابة بالتوحد؟,"سعت العديد من الدراسات إلى تحديد عوامل الخطر للإصابة بالتوحد على أمل أن يؤدي العثور على عامل الخطر إلى إيجاد سبب للتوحد، واتخاذ تدابير للوقاية من التوحد، أو على الأقل المساعدة في تحديد الأطفال المصابين بالتوحد في وقت مبكر أكثر مما هو ممكن الآن. وبينما وجدت الدراسات بعض الارتباطات، لم يتم تحديد أي منها على أنه ""مسبب"". فحص الباحثون في إحدى الدراسات السجلات الطبية لما يقرب من 700 طفل مصاب بالتوحد وأولياء أمورهم. جاءت هذه البيانات من نظام الرعاية الصحية الوطني في الدنمارك، والذي يحتوي على سجلات لجميع الأطفال الدنماركيين تقريبًا الذين تم تشخيص إصابتهم بالتوحد. قيمت الدراسة كل طفل تم تشخيص إصابته بالتوحد بين عامي 1968 و2000. تمت مقارنة كل طفل من الأطفال المصابين بالتوحد البالغ عددهم 700 طفل تقريبًا بـ 25 طفلاً غير مصابين بالتوحد. بحث الباحثون عن قضايا مثل المشاكل الطبية التي قد تكون الأمهات قد عانت منها أثناء الحمل، والصعوبات أثناء ولادة الطفل، وتاريخ الاضطرابات النفسية بين الوالدين، وأي أمراض أصيب بها الطفل بين الولادة وتشخيص التوحد. وجد الباحثون أن التاريخ النفسي للوالدين قبل تشخيص الطفل بالتوحد كان له أعلى ارتباط بالتوحد. وعند النظر في جميع المخاطر، فإن التاريخ النفسي للوالدين يزيد من خطر تشخيص التوحد بمقدار ثلاثة إلى أربعة أضعاف. ولاحظت مجموعة أخرى من الباحثين أن حجم الرأس عند الولادة بين الأطفال المصابين بالتوحد كان أصغر، في المتوسط، من الأطفال الذين لم يصابوا بالتوحد. ومع ذلك، خلال السنة الأولى من العمر، شهد هؤلاء الأطفال نموًا مفاجئًا ومفرطًا في الدماغ بحيث كانت أدمغتهم أكبر من جميع الأطفال الذين تم قياسهم باستثناء 15 في المائة. وقد حدث هذا النمو المفرط في حجم الرأس قبل ظهور الأعراض السلوكية بوقت طويل. ومضى هؤلاء الباحثون إلى القول إن ""درجة ومعدل و/أو مدة"" النمو المفرط في الدماغ قد تكون مؤشرًا على شدة أعراض التوحد اللاحقة. فيما يلي قائمة بالحالات التي تحدث بشكل أكثر شيوعًا لدى الأطفال المصابين بالتوحد مقارنة بالأطفال العاديين: ● عوامل الخطر المرتبطة بالولادة: ● وضع الطفل في وضع المقعد ● درجة أبغار منخفضة، وهو مؤشر يستخدم لتقييم حالة المولود الجديد بعد 5 دقائق من الولادة ● الولادة المبكرة: (الولادة قبل 35 أسبوعًا من الحمل) ● التاريخ المرضي العقلي لدى الوالدين: ● الذهان الشبيه بالفصام ● الاضطراب العاطفي، والذي يشمل بعض أنواع الذهان والاكتئاب والاضطراب ثنائي القطب ● تاريخ النمو في مرحلة الطفولة: ● النمو السريع والمفرط في حجم الرأس خلال السنة الأولى من العمر لم يتم العثور على أي ارتباط بين التوحد و: ● وزن الرضيع ● عدد الأطفال السابقين المولودين للأم ● عدد زيارات الطبيب قبل الحمل ● عمر الوالدين وقت ولادة الطفل ● الوضع الاجتماعي والاقتصادي",Research,Risk Factors
ما هي بعض الأعراض التي يجب على الوالدين البحث عنها؟,"يشمل تشخيص التوحد مجموعة واسعة من السلوكيات والقدرات. لا يتشابه شخصان مصابان بالتوحد في الأعراض أو شدة المرض. تظهر أعراض التوحد بمجموعات مختلفة؛ تتراوح كل منها بين الخفيفة والشديدة. قد يكون أحد الأعراض خفيفًا لدى شخص ما، بينما قد يكون لدى آخر شديدًا لدرجة أنه يُسيطر على شخصيته أو سلوكه. فيما يلي أمثلة على الأنواع الشائعة من المشاكل والسلوكيات التي قد يُظهرها الشخص المصاب باضطراب طيف التوحد: المهارات الاجتماعية. قد لا يتفاعل المصابون بالتوحد مع الآخرين كما يتفاعل معظم الناس، أو قد لا يهتمون بهم على الإطلاق. الأطفال المصابون بالتوحد: ● قد يقاومون احتضان والديهم ● قد يبدو غير مبالين بما يحدث في بيئتهم ● يظهرون عدم اهتمام بالألعاب ● قد يكونون غير مستجيبين للآخرين لدرجة أنهم يبدون وكأنهم صماء ● يميلون إلى عدم إجراء اتصال بالعين وقد يكونون راضين عن البقاء بمفردهم ● مع تقدمهم في السن، قد يبدو أنهم يفتقرون إلى التعاطف أو يواجهون صعوبة في فهم مشاعر الآخرين مثل الألم أو الحزن أو التحدث عن مشاعرهم الخاصة ● قد يفشلون في تكوين صداقات مع الأطفال في نفس العمر ● قد يظهرون عدم اهتمام بمشاركة المتعة أو الاهتمامات أو الإنجازات مع الآخرين الكلام واللغة والتواصل. إن ضعف القدرة على التواصل هو أحد السمات المميزة للتوحد ● قد يقتصر محتوى كلامهم على عدد قليل من المواضيع أو بضع كلمات فقط. في الواقع، لا يتحدث حوالي 40 بالمائة من الأطفال المصابين بالتوحد على الإطلاق. ● يعاني آخرون من الصدى. الصدى هو المصطلح الطبي للتكرار اللاإرادي وغير الملائم لما قيل. قد يكرر الأشخاص المصابون بالصدى كلمة أو عبارة أو جملًا كاملة. على سبيل المثال، إذا قال أحدهم لشخص مصاب بالصدى: ""إنه يوم جميل جدًا اليوم""، فسيرد قائلًا: ""إنه يوم جميل جدًا اليوم"". قد يكرر الطفل المصاب بالتوحد إعلانًا تلفزيونيًا أو جزءًا من أغنية سمعها في وقت ما في الماضي. قد تبدو أصواتهم مسطحة، وتفتقر إلى التنغيم أو النطاق اللوني. قد يتحدثون بصوت عالٍ جدًا أو منخفض جدًا وقد يبدو أنهم لا يستطيعون التحكم في مستوى صوتهم. ● تُعد صعوبات المحادثة مشكلة أخرى يعاني منها التوحديون. قد يشمل ذلك صعوبة في بدء محادثة. كما يواجه الأشخاص المصابون بالتوحد صعوبات في مواصلة المحادثة بعد بدئها. في حين أن بعض الأشخاص المصابين بالتوحد قد يتحدثون جيدًا ولديهم إلمام بموضوع معين، إلا أنهم قد لا يفهمون طبيعة الأخذ والعطاء للمحادثة وسيتحدثون باستمرار. ● التواصل غير اللفظي مشكلة أخرى. قد لا يفهم الأشخاص المصابون بالتوحد الإيماءات مثل التلويح وداعًا أو مد اليد للمصافحة. ويميلون إلى سوء استخدام لغة الجسد، مثل التواصل البصري أو تعابير الوجه، كوسيلة للتواصل غير اللفظي. ● يبدو أن الضمائر تمثل صعوبة. فقد يقولون ""أنا"" عندما يقصدون ""أنت"" أو العكس. ● لا يبدو أن الأطفال المصابين بالتوحد يفهمون الإشارات الاجتماعية؛ وبالتالي؛ يمكن أن يمثل التوافق الاجتماعي مشكلة. فقد يقفون بالقرب الشديد من الأشخاص الذين يتحدثون إليهم، وقد يعانقون أو يقبلون الغرباء، أو قد يلتزمون بموضوع واحد للمحادثة لفترة طويلة جدًا. ● يواجه الأطفال المصابون بالتوحد صعوبة في فهم وجهة نظر المستمع، مما يؤدي إلى نقص في فهم المحادثة. على سبيل المثال، قد لا يفهم الشخص المصاب بالتوحد أن شخصًا ما يستخدم الفكاهة أو السخرية. وقد يفسرون التواصل كلمة بكلمة ويفشلون في فهم المعنى الضمني. السلوكيات المتكررة. قد يكون لدى الأشخاص المصابين بالتوحد شغف بالحركات المتكررة مثل تدوير العجلات أو تشغيل وإطفاء الأضواء أو إغلاق الأبواب بقوة. ● قد تتكون لعبتهم من تدوير القمم بشكل متكرر أو مشاهدة الفيديو نفسه مئات المرات. ● قد يظهرون أيضًا سلوكيات جسدية نمطية. وتشمل هذه هز الجسم ورفرفة اليدين و/أو أوضاع غير طبيعية مثل المشي على أصابع القدم. الالتزام الصارم بالروتين. يستمتع الأطفال المصابون بالتوحد بروتين محدد. قد تزعجهم أو تخيفهم الاختلافات عن هذا الروتين. حتى الأشياء التي تبدو غير مهمة، مثل اتخاذ طريق مختلف إلى المدرسة أو الحصول على شكل مختلف من بسكويت رقائق الشوكولاتة، ستسبب لهم القلق. الانشغال بمواضيع محدودة معينة. غالبًا ما ينبهر الأطفال الأكبر سنًا والبالغون بجداول القطارات وأنماط الطقس والتواريخ/التقاويم والأرقام وشارة الفيلم أو لوحات الترخيص. على سبيل المثال، قد يقرؤون كتبًا عن القطارات ويجمعون خرائط السكك الحديدية وجداول القطارات. قد يرغبون في زيارة ساحات السكك الحديدية أو ركوب القطارات كنوع من الترفيه. قد يناقشون القطارات بشكل مهووس. الانشغال بأجزاء الأشياء. غالبًا ما يبدو المصابون بالتوحد مفتونين بجزء من الشيء بدلاً من الشيء نفسه بالكامل. وهذا يشمل أشياء مثل عجلات السيارة بدلاً من السيارة نفسها. تراجع النمو. قد تظهر العلامات الأولى للتوحد لدى بعض الأطفال أثناء الرضاعة وعادةً ما يتم تشخيص الاضطراب في سن 3 سنوات. في الأطفال الآخرين، يبدو نموهم طبيعيًا حتى يبلغوا عامين تقريبًا ثم يتراجع بسرعة. نمو عصبي غير متسق. يتطور الأطفال المصابون بالتوحد بشكل مختلف عن الأطفال الآخرين. يطور الأطفال النموذجيون مجموعة كاملة من المهارات العصبية (مثل اللغة والتنسيق الحركي والقدرة الإدراكية والمهارات الاجتماعية) بنفس المعدل تقريبًا. يعاني الأطفال المصابون بالتوحد من معدل غير متساوٍ من النمو في هذه المجالات المهارية. قد يتمتع الأطفال المصابون بالتوحد بمهارات معرفية ممتازة ويكونون قادرين على حل مسائل الرياضيات المعقدة ولديهم مفردات واسعة النطاق، ولكن قد يواجهون صعوبة في توصيل أفكارهم أو التناوب أو قراءة المحتوى العاطفي لوجه الشخص أو نبرة صوته. تعليق ويليام: جاءت شكوكنا في أن ليام قد يكون لديه مشكلة على مراحل صغيرة. لاحظنا عندما كان في الثانية من عمره أن بعض الضوضاء بدت تزعجه، بغض النظر عن مستوى الصوت. أمسك بأذنيه وبكى. في البداية، أرجعنا ذلك إلى عدوى أذن محتملة تفاقمت بسبب رحلة طيران حديثة. تم استدعاء طبيب الأطفال؛ وقال إن أذني ليام تبدوان جيدتين، ولكن يجب أن نتصل مرة أخرى بعد 3 أشهر. بعد شهر أو شهرين، اقترح صديق للعائلة في لوس أنجلوس يعمل في مجال رعاية الأطفال أن هناك شيئًا ما قد يكون خطأ. لم يستطع هذا الصديق الإشارة إلى أي شيء محدد، لكنه ذكر أن ليام لم يكن يبدو ""يصدر صوت فرقعة"" بالطريقة التي يفعلها أقرانه. كان ليام فضوليًا بشأن الأطفال في سنه أو بشأن ألعابهم أو وجباتهم الخفيفة، لكنه لم يشارك في اللعب المتبادل. بدا راضيًا باللعب بمفرده. أبدى بعض التصلب، وبدرجة طفيفة، بعض السلوكيات المحفزة للذات.",Symptoms,Symptoms
كيف يقوم الأطباء بتشخيص مرض التوحد؟,"لا يوجد فحص دم أو فحص بالأشعة السينية لتشخيص التوحد. يجب أن يعتمد التشخيص الدقيق على مراقبة تواصل الطفل وسلوكه ومستويات نموه. لدى الأطفال المصابين بالتوحد سلوكيات مميزة قد تكون واضحة لكل من الوالدين والأطباء في الأشهر إلى السنوات الأولى من الحياة. ومع ذلك، نظرًا لأن العديد من السلوكيات المرتبطة بالتوحد مشتركة مع اضطرابات أخرى، فقد يتم طلب اختبارات طبية مختلفة لاستبعاد أو تحديد أسباب أخرى محتملة للأعراض التي تظهر. لتشخيص الطفل، يجب على الأطباء ملاحظة عجز ثابت في أحد المجالات الثلاثة التالية: 1. ضعف في الأداء الاجتماعي. سيبحث الأطباء عن: ● ضعف في العديد من أشكال التعبير غير اللفظي (الوضعية والتواصل البصري) ● الفشل في تطوير علاقات الأقران المناسبة للعمر ● لا يسعى إلى مشاركة المتعة والاهتمامات مع الآخرين ● لا يوجد تبادل اجتماعي أو عاطفي؛ يتجنب العناق أو اللمس 2. ضعف في التواصل. سيبحث الأطباء عن: ● تأخير أو نقص في تطور اللغة ● عدم القدرة على بدء محادثة أو مواصلتها مع الأفراد الذين يتحدثون جيدًا ● الاستخدام النمطي/المتكرر للغة ● الافتقار إلى اللعب الخيالي المتنوع أو الأنشطة الاجتماعية (المناسبة للعمر) ● عدم الاستجابة لطرق التدريس العادية أو الإشارات اللفظية ● نوبات الغضب المتكررة 3. أنماط السلوك والاهتمام والأنشطة المقيدة والمتكررة. سيبحث الأطباء عن: ● شدة غير طبيعية أو تركيز على سلوك نمطي ومقيد معين ● روتين غير مرن لطقوس غير وظيفية محددة ● سلوكيات حركية نمطية أو متكررة (رفرفة الذراعين، تدوير الجسم، المشي على أصابع القدمين) ● الاهتمام المستمر بأجزاء معينة من الأشياء نظرًا لأن التوحد يشمل مجموعة واسعة من السلوكيات، فإن الملاحظة الموجزة في بيئة واحدة لا يمكنها التنبؤ بالقدرات الحقيقية للفرد. ستؤدي العديد من التقييمات التي يتم إجراؤها في أيام مختلفة أو في بيئات مختلفة (مثل المنزل أو عيادة الطبيب أو مدرسة الطفل) إلى تشخيص أكثر موثوقية. تعد مدخلات الوالدين والتاريخ التنموي مكونات مهمة للغاية لإجراء تشخيص دقيق. عادةً ما يكون تشخيص الطفل المصاب بالتوحد عملية من مرحلتين. تتضمن المرحلة الأولى فحص النمو بواسطة طبيب أطفال أثناء فحوصات الطفل السليم. من المهم إجراء التقييم عندما يشعر الطفل بأنه على ما يرام. قد يتصرف الطفل المريض بشكل مختلف عن المعتاد وهذا يجعل الملاحظة غير موثوقة. تتضمن المرحلة الثانية تقييمًا شاملاً من قِبل فريق متعدد التخصصات. يتكون الفريق من طبيب أطفال، وأطباء أعصاب نمو، ومعالجين نطقيين وفيزيائيين ومهنيين، بالإضافة إلى أخصائي اجتماعي. تعليق ويليام: أخبرني طبيب، وهو صديق للعائلة، أثناء تقييم ليام، أنه لا يتطلب الأمر ""عالم صواريخ"" لتشخيص التوحد، ولكن فقط بعض الخبرة في الحالة ومعرفة معايير التشخيص. كم كانت هذه المقولة صحيحة. تمكن طبيب الأطفال التنموي الذي أمضى 10 دقائق مع ابني من إعطائي تشخيصًا يتوافق مع ما حصلنا عليه من طبيب نفساني للأطفال أمضى عدة ساعات معه، إلى طبيب نفساني أجرى اختبار بيلي واختبار ADOS، إلى دراسة جماعية أخرى في جامعة كاليفورنيا في لوس أنجلوس أجرت المزيد من الاختبارات بعد قضاء المزيد من الوقت معه. بدا كل شيء متسقًا، من التقييم الذي استغرق 10 دقائق إلى التقييمات التي تضمنت ساعات وساعات من المراقبة.",Diagnosis,Diagnosis
ماذا وجدت الدراسات فيما يتعلق بالتطعيمات والتوحد؟,"اختيار نوع العلاج المناسب لطفلك ليس بالأمر السهل. توجد العديد من البرامج التي تهدف إلى تحسين الأعراض السلوكية لدى الأطفال المصابين بالتوحد. حتى أن بعضها يدّعي ""معالجة"" المشكلة الأساسية المسببة للتوحد. للأسف، لا يستجيب جميع الأطفال حتى لأكثر العلاجات فعالية، ويبدو أن بعض الأطفال يستجيبون جيدًا للعلاجات الأقل شيوعًا. يجب على الآباء الاطلاع على أكبر قدر ممكن من المعلومات حول العلاج المقترح، فليس كل علاج قائم على حقائق علمية مقبولة، وليس كل برنامج مؤهل يوظف معلمين ومعالجين مدربين. يجب ألا يقتصر بحث الوالدين على استكشاف آثار العلاج على الطفل، بل يجب أن يشمل أيضًا آثاره على والديه وإخوته. أصدرت جمعية التوحد الأمريكية والمعهد الوطني للصحة العقلية إرشادات حول الأسئلة التي يجب على الوالدين طرحها حول أي علاج جديد. فيما يلي أسئلة تستند إلى هذه الإرشادات: هل سيتسبب العلاج في ضرر لطفلي؟ هل تضرر أي أطفال آخرين من هذا العلاج؟ كيف سيؤثر فشل العلاج على طفلي وعائلتي؟ هل تم التحقق من فعالية العلاج علميًا؟ هل يمكنكم تزويدي بالمراجع العلمية لمراجعتي؟ كيف سيتم تقييم تقدم طفلي؟ هل سيتم مراقبة سلوك طفلي وتسجيله عن كثب؟ هل إجراءات التقييم محددة؟ هل هي مُثبتة علميًا؟ هل أهداف العلاج ذات معنى لي ولطفلي؟ على سبيل المثال، قد لا يكون العلاج الذي يهدف إلى تقليل السلوك التحفيزي الذاتي بنسبة 10% جديرًا بالمشاركة فيه. كيف سيتم دمج العلاج في برنامج طفلي الحالي؟ هل يتبع نهجًا شموليًا، مع الأخذ في الاعتبار أن للطفل اهتمامات وأهدافًا أخرى؟ لا ينبغي أن ينجذب الوالدان إلى علاج معين لدرجة تجاهل المنهج الوظيفي والحياة المهنية والمهارات الاجتماعية. ما مدى نجاح البرنامج مع الأطفال الآخرين؟ كم عدد الأطفال الذين التحقوا بمدرسة عادية وكيف كان أداؤهم؟ ما هي مؤهلات أعضاء هيئة التدريس؟ كم منهم سيعمل مع طفلي؟ هل يتمتع أعضاء هيئة التدريس بتدريب وخبرة في العمل مع الأطفال والمراهقين المصابين بالتوحد؟ كيف يتم تخطيط الأنشطة وتنظيمها؟ من يخطط لها؟ هل هناك جداول وروتين يومي يمكن التنبؤ به؟ ما مقدار الاهتمام الفردي الذي سيحصل عليه طفلي؟ هل سيُمنح طفلي مهام ومكافآت تحفزه شخصيًا؟ ما هي المكافآت؟ هل يمكن تكرار نظام المكافآت هذا في المنزل؟ هل سيُجهزني البرنامج لمواصلة العلاج في المنزل؟ هل البيئة العلاجية مصممة لتقليل عوامل التشتيت؟ ما هي التكلفة المالية والالتزام الزمني لهذا أين سيتم العلاج؟ هل يتطلب هذا الموقع ترخيصًا أو شهادة لإجراء هذا العلاج؟ يجب على المعالج أو البرنامج العلاجي المحترف والمشهور الإجابة على هذه الأسئلة بسهولة وانفتاح. إن عدم الإجابة بشكل يرضيك يجب أن يجعلك تتوقف وتحث على مزيد من التحقيق قبل السماح لطفلك بالخضوع لهذا العلاج. تعليق ويليام: ابننا في برنامج مكثف لتحليل السلوك التطبيقي. لقد وجدنا أن جودة وشدة علاج تحليل السلوك التطبيقي تختلف عبر الوكالات غير الحكومية التي تقدم الرعاية للأطفال المصابين بالتوحد.",Research,Causes of Autism
كيف سأعرف إذا كان العلاج الجديد مناسبًا لطفلي؟,"اختيار نوع العلاج المناسب لطفلك ليس بالأمر السهل. توجد العديد من البرامج التي تهدف إلى تحسين الأعراض السلوكية لدى الأطفال المصابين بالتوحد. حتى أن بعضها يدّعي ""معالجة"" المشكلة الأساسية المسببة للتوحد. للأسف، لا يستجيب جميع الأطفال حتى لأكثر العلاجات فعالية، ويبدو أن بعض الأطفال يستجيبون جيدًا للعلاجات الأقل شيوعًا. يجب على الآباء الاطلاع على أكبر قدر ممكن من المعلومات حول العلاج المقترح، فليس كل علاج قائم على حقائق علمية مقبولة، وليس كل برنامج مؤهل يوظف معلمين ومعالجين مدربين. يجب ألا يقتصر بحث الوالدين على استكشاف آثار العلاج على الطفل، بل يجب أن يشمل أيضًا آثاره على والديه وإخوته. أصدرت جمعية التوحد الأمريكية والمعهد الوطني للصحة العقلية إرشادات حول الأسئلة التي يجب على الوالدين طرحها حول أي علاج جديد. فيما يلي أسئلة تستند إلى هذه الإرشادات: هل سيتسبب العلاج في ضرر لطفلي؟ هل تضرر أي أطفال آخرين من هذا العلاج؟ كيف سيؤثر فشل العلاج على طفلي وعائلتي؟ هل تم التحقق من فعالية العلاج علميًا؟ هل يمكنكم تزويدي بالمراجع العلمية لمراجعتي؟ كيف سيتم تقييم تقدم طفلي؟ هل سيتم مراقبة سلوك طفلي وتسجيله عن كثب؟ هل إجراءات التقييم محددة؟ هل هي مُثبتة علميًا؟ هل أهداف العلاج ذات معنى لي ولطفلي؟ على سبيل المثال، قد لا يكون العلاج الذي يهدف إلى تقليل السلوك التحفيزي الذاتي بنسبة 10% جديرًا بالمشاركة فيه. كيف سيتم دمج العلاج في برنامج طفلي الحالي؟ هل يتبع نهجًا شموليًا، مع الأخذ في الاعتبار أن للطفل اهتمامات وأهدافًا أخرى؟ لا ينبغي أن ينجذب الوالدان إلى علاج معين لدرجة تجاهل المنهج الوظيفي والحياة المهنية والمهارات الاجتماعية. ما مدى نجاح البرنامج مع الأطفال الآخرين؟ كم عدد الأطفال الذين التحقوا بمدرسة عادية وكيف كان أداؤهم؟ ما هي مؤهلات أعضاء هيئة التدريس؟ كم منهم سيعمل مع طفلي؟ هل يتمتع أعضاء هيئة التدريس بتدريب وخبرة في العمل مع الأطفال والمراهقين المصابين بالتوحد؟ كيف يتم تخطيط الأنشطة وتنظيمها؟ من يخطط لها؟ هل هناك جداول وروتين يومي يمكن التنبؤ به؟ ما مقدار الاهتمام الفردي الذي سيحصل عليه طفلي؟ هل سيُمنح طفلي مهام ومكافآت تحفزه شخصيًا؟ ما هي المكافآت؟ هل يمكن تكرار نظام المكافآت هذا في المنزل؟ هل سيُجهزني البرنامج لمواصلة العلاج في المنزل؟ هل البيئة العلاجية مصممة لتقليل عوامل التشتيت؟ ما هي التكلفة المالية والالتزام الزمني لهذا أين سيتم العلاج؟ هل يتطلب هذا الموقع ترخيصًا أو شهادة لإجراء هذا العلاج؟ يجب على المعالج أو البرنامج العلاجي المحترف والمشهور الإجابة على هذه الأسئلة بسهولة وانفتاح. إن عدم الإجابة بشكل يرضيك يجب أن يجعلك تتوقف وتحث على مزيد من التحقيق قبل السماح لطفلك بالخضوع لهذا العلاج. تعليق ويليام: ابننا في برنامج مكثف لتحليل السلوك التطبيقي. لقد وجدنا أن جودة وشدة علاج تحليل السلوك التطبيقي تختلف عبر الوكالات غير الحكومية التي تقدم الرعاية للأطفال المصابين بالتوحد.",Treatment,Treatment
هل الأدوية مفيدة في علاج المشاكل السلوكية لدى الأطفال المصابين بالتوحد؟,"لا يمكن لأي دواء علاج التوحد. قد يحتاج بعض الأطفال المصابين بالتوحد إلى أدوية لفترة قصيرة، بينما يحتاج آخرون إلى علاج مدى الحياة لتحسين سلوكهم أو أعراض أخرى. لا يحتاج معظم الأطفال المصابين بالتوحد إلى أي أدوية على الإطلاق. يمكن تحسين العديد من الأعراض المؤلمة والسلوكيات غير العادية دون الحاجة إلى أدوية. يُعزز تخفيف هذه الأعراض المؤلمة قدرة الفرد على المشاركة في البرامج التعليمية والمجتمعية، بالإضافة إلى تخفيف التوتر الذي يعاني منه الوالدان أو مقدمو الرعاية. تتراوح المشاكل السلوكية لدى الأطفال المصابين بالتوحد بين فرط النشاط، والتشنجات الحركية والصوتية، وصعوبة الانتقال من مهمة إلى أخرى، وعدم التعاون أو التحدي المؤدي إلى العدوانية، ونوبات الغضب التي لا يمكن السيطرة عليها، والسلوكيات المؤذية للذات، مثل عض اليدين والذراعين. على الرغم من أن معظم المشكلات السلوكية قابلة لتقنيات تعديل السلوك مثل تحليل السلوك التطبيقي، إلا أن السلوكيات المقاومة أو الشديدة أو الخطيرة قد تتطلب علاجًا دوائيًا لعلاجها بفعالية. عندما يُطور الطفل سلوكيات جديدة - خاصةً عندما تكون البداية مفاجئة أو يكون السلوك عنيفًا، يجب على الآباء ومقدمي الرعاية توخي الحذر بحثًا عن أسباب واضحة لهذا السلوك، مثل النزاعات في المدرسة مع المعلمين أو المعالجين أو زملاء الدراسة؛ أو الحساسية؛ أو الأمراض الجسدية أو الإصابات؛ أو الأمراض الأكثر خطورة. حتى التغيرات السلوكية التي تحدث ببطء، والتي تُعتبر أحيانًا ""سلوكًا توحديًا نموذجيًا""، يمكن أن تكون ناجمة عن مشكلة قابلة للإصلاح في البيئة. نظرًا لأن التواصل يمثل مشكلة لدى الأطفال والبالغين المصابين بالتوحد، فقد يجدون صعوبة في إخبار مقدمي الرعاية بأنهم يشعرون بالمرض أو الألم. قد يتجلى هذا الإحباط في صورة عدوانية أو إيذاء للنفس، خاصةً إذا تعرض الشخص لضغوط لمواصلة الروتين اليومي أو أنشطة العمل. عندما يُظهر الطفل تدهورًا في السلوك، على الرغم من أنه قد يُعزى في النهاية إلى التوحد الكامن لديه، يجب على الآباء مراعاة الأسباب التالية أولاً: ● الصراع الاجتماعي: استشر المعلمين والمعالجين لمعرفة ما إذا كانت هناك مشكلات في البيئة المدرسية لطفلك. ● العدوى: قد تُسبب الأمراض الجسدية مثل آلام الأذن وخراجات الأسنان والإنفلونزا مشاكل. ● إصابة غير معترف بها: يكون الأطفال الذين يعانون من فرط النشاط عرضة لإصابات طفيفة وأحيانًا إصابات أكثر خطورة. يمكن أن يؤدي عدم القدرة على التواصل أو شرح الإصابة إلى إصابات غير معترف بها تمر دون أن يلاحظها الآباء. تعليق الدكتور كوين: عانى طفلنا من كسر خطير في الجزء العلوي من ذراعه لم يتم التعرف عليه لمدة يومين، وكان عرضه الوحيد هو الانسحاب العاطفي وانخفاض الاهتمام بوجباته المفضلة. ● الآثار الجانبية للأدوية: يمكن أن تُسبب العديد من الأدوية الشائعة، مثل أدوية البرد أو الحساسية، تغيرات سلوكية لدى الأطفال المصابين بالتوحد. ومن المفارقات أن الأدوية المستخدمة لتحسين السلوك يمكن أن تؤدي في بعض الأحيان إلى تفاقمه. تفاقم حالة طبية مزمنة: قد تشير التغيرات السلوكية إلى تفاقم حالة طبية مزمنة، مثل الصداع النصفي، أو قرحة المعدة، أو البواسير، أو التهاب المفاصل الروماتويدي، أو داء كرون. من المهم مناقشة السلوكيات الجديدة، وأي أعراض أخرى (مثل الحمى، أو الإسهال، أو الخمول، أو تغير في المشية)، مع طبيب الأطفال. يجب بذل كل جهد ممكن في هذه الحالات لعلاج الحالة الكامنة طبيًا قبل علاج السلوكيات غير الضرورية بالمهدئات، أو مضادات الاكتئاب، أو المهدئات.",Treatment,Medication
ما هي أنواع الأدوية المستخدمة لعلاج الأطفال المصابين بالتوحد؟,تعتمد أنواع الأدوية المستخدمة لعلاج الطفل التوحدي على الأعراض، بالإضافة إلى أي حالة أخرى قد تُسهم في السلوك غير المقبول. تشمل الأدوية الموصوفة عادةً لعلاج سلوكيات الأطفال التوحديين مضادات الاكتئاب، ومضادات الاختلاج، والأدوية المضادة للذهان (المعروفة أيضًا باسم الأدوية المضادة للذهان)، والمهدئات، والمنشطات. جميع هذه الأدوية قد تُسبب آثارًا جانبية خطيرة، ولا يُنصح بها الأطباء المختصون باستخفاف. على الرغم من إمكانية استخدام معظم الأدوية بأمان لفترات طويلة دون ضرر، إلا أن استخدام أي دواء يرتبط بمخاطر صحية. يجب على الوالدين إدراك المخاطر التي يتعرض لها الطفل، بالإضافة إلى الفوائد المحتملة له. يجب ألا يُعالج الطفل بالأدوية إلا بعد أن يُوازن الوالدان (والطفل، عند الاقتضاء) بين مخاطر وفوائد الدواء. يجب إطلاع الوالدين على جميع الآثار الجانبية المحتملة لأي دواء جديد، لأنهم سيُراقبون حالة الطفل عن كثب، ويمكنهم مساعدة الطبيب المعالج في اتخاذ قرارات بشأن تعديل جرعة الدواء أو إيقافه.,Treatment,Medication
كيف يتم علاج القلق والاكتئاب لدى الشخص المصاب بالتوحد؟,على الرغم من وصف الاكتئاب لدى الأطفال المصابين بالتوحد، إلا أن المعلومات المتاحة حول مدى تكرار حدوثه محدودة. يعتقد الخبراء أن معدل الاكتئاب لدى الأطفال المصابين بالتوحد أعلى منه لدى الأطفال العاديين. تشمل الأنواع الشائعة لعلاج الاكتئاب مثبطات استرداد السيروتونين الانتقائية (SSRIs) ومضادات الاكتئاب ثلاثية الحلقات. تُعد مثبطات استرداد السيروتونين الانتقائية الأدوية الأكثر شيوعًا الموصوفة لأعراض القلق والاكتئاب و/أو اضطراب الوسواس القهري (OCD). تُعتبر هذه الأدوية آمنة بشكل عام ولها آثار جانبية قليلة. يرتبط العلاج بهذه الأدوية بانخفاض وتيرة السلوكيات المتكررة والطقوسية وتحسن السلوكيات العدوانية وإيذاء النفس. وقد أُبلغ عن استخدام مثبطات استرداد السيروتونين الانتقائية لتحسين التواصل البصري والتفاعلات الاجتماعية لدى الطفل. تدرس إدارة الغذاء والدواء الأمريكية البيانات وتحللها لفهم كيفية استخدام مثبطات استرداد السيروتونين الانتقائية بأمان وفعالية وبأقل جرعة ممكنة. تتضمن بعض أمثلة مثبطات استرداد السيروتونين الانتقائية ما يلي: ● فلوكستين (بروزاك). مضاد اكتئاب من نوع مثبطات استرداد السيروتونين الانتقائية (SSRI)؛ وقد وافقت عليه إدارة الغذاء والدواء الأمريكية لعلاج اضطراب الوسواس القهري والاكتئاب لدى الأطفال بعمر 7 سنوات فما فوق. ● فلوفوكسامين (لوفوكس). مضاد اكتئاب من نوع مثبطات استرداد السيروتونين الانتقائية (SSRI)؛ وقد وافقت عليه إدارة الغذاء والدواء الأمريكية لعلاج اضطراب الوسواس القهري والاكتئاب لدى الأطفال بعمر 8 سنوات فما فوق. على الرغم من أنه ليس شائعًا مثل الفلوكسيتين، إلا أن فلوفوكسامين له تأثير مهدئ لا يوجد في بروزاك. قد يكون هذا مفيدًا للأطفال الذين يعانون من فرط النشاط. ● سيرترالين (زولوفت). مضاد اكتئاب من نوع مثبطات استرداد السيروتونين الانتقائية (SSRI)؛ وقد وافقت عليه إدارة الغذاء والدواء الأمريكية لعلاج اضطراب الوسواس القهري والاكتئاب لدى الأطفال بعمر 6 سنوات فما فوق. يسبب هياجًا أقل من بروزاك ولكنه يرتبط بزيادة الوزن. مضادات الاكتئاب ثلاثية الحلقات، على الرغم من فعاليتها، ترتبط بآثار جانبية أكثر بكثير، وليست آمنة للاستخدام مثل مثبطات استرداد السيروتونين الانتقائية. يجب استخدام مضادات الاكتئاب ثلاثية الحلقات بحذر شديد لدى المرضى الذين لديهم تاريخ من التشنجات أو الصرع. من المعروف أن هذه العوامل تزيد من احتمالية حدوث النوبات. يجب أيضًا استخدام مضادات الاكتئاب ثلاثية الحلقات بحذر لدى الأطفال الذين يعانون من عدم انتظام ضربات القلب، لأنها قد تسبب تفاقمًا في عدم انتظام ضربات القلب (اضطراب نظم القلب). من الأدوية الشائعة الاستخدام في هذه الفئة كلوميبرامين. ● كلوميبرامين (أنافرانيل). كلوميبرامين هو مضاد اكتئاب ثلاثي الحلقات يتمتع بخصائص مضادة للاكتئاب ومضادة للوسواس. ومثل غيره من مضادات الاكتئاب ثلاثية الحلقات، يثبط كلوميبرامين امتصاص النورإبينفرين والسيروتونين في النهايات العصبية المركزية. وهو معتمد لعلاج الاكتئاب واضطراب الوسواس القهري لدى الأطفال من سن 10 سنوات فما فوق. يبدو أيضًا أن للكلوميبرامين تأثيرًا مهدئًا خفيفًا، قد يُساعد في تخفيف القلق المصاحب للاكتئاب. لم تُدرس أدوية أخرى، مثل إيلافيل (أميتريبتيلين هيدروكلوريد) وويلبوترين (بوبروبيون هيدروكلوريد)، بنفس القدر كغيرها، ولكن قد يكون لها دور في علاج الاكتئاب والأعراض السلوكية لدى مرضى التوحد. يُرجى العلم أن جميع هذه الأدوية لها آثار جانبية محتملة، والتي يجب مناقشتها مع الطبيب المعالج قبل بدء العلاج. يجب تنبيه الوالدين إلى هذه الآثار الجانبية حتى يتمكنوا من مناقشة آثار الدواء مع الطبيب، الذي قد يُعدّل الجرعة أو يوقف الدواء.,Treatment,Mental Health
هل هناك أي ضرر في تجربة علاجات غير مثبتة على طفلي؟,"العلاج المثالي للطفل المصاب بالتوحد سيكون له الخصائص التالية: ● علاجي (بدلاً من مجرد تحسين الأعراض) ● فعال في جميع الأطفال (وليس فقط بعض أنواع أو درجات التوحد المعينة) ● سريع (لن يستغرق سنوات من العلاج لإنجازه) ● سهل الإعطاء (حبة أو حقنة) ● خالٍ من المخاطر (لا توجد آثار جانبية) ● غير مكلف (ستكون التكلفة ضئيلة أو مجانية) في الوقت الحالي، لا يمكن لأي علاج للتوحد تحقيق هذا المثل الأعلى. حتى أكثر العلاجات الواعدة للتوحد غالبًا ما تكون أقل بكثير. بالإضافة إلى ذلك، فإن سنوات من العلاج المكثف بعلاج غير مستكشف يمكن أن تترك الفرد المصاب بالتوحد مع إعاقات إضافية كبيرة. وعلى الرغم من ذلك، يمكن إغراء الآباء اليائسين لمساعدة طفلهم المصاب بالتوحد بتجربة علاجات غير مثبتة. ومن الطبيعي أن يسأل الآباء والمعلمون وحتى أخصائيو الصحة العقلية: ""ما الضرر في تجربة هذا العلاج الجديد؟"" لسوء الحظ، فإن الإجابة على هذا السؤال هي ""ضرر كبير"". وهناك أسباب وجيهة للحذر؛ بعض الأسباب الأكثر شيوعًا مدرجة هنا: التكلفة: لا يوجد علاج بدون تكلفة، حتى لو لم يتقاضى الممارس رسومًا مقابل العلاج غير المثبت. تشمل التكاليف التي يمكن أن يتحملها الوالد أثناء تجربة علاج غير مثبت ما يلي: ● التكلفة المالية المباشرة: غالبًا ما تكون العلاجات غير المثبتة باهظة الثمن. الأموال التي يتم إنفاقها على علاج غير مثبت تأخذ المال بعيدًا عن العلاجات الأكثر فعالية أو من الالتزامات المالية الأخرى للوالد. عند استخدام علاج غير مثبت، يكون الوقت المستغرق ""للشفاء"" أو ""التحسن الكبير"" غير معروف. بدون هذه المعلومات، هناك ميل لدى الوالدين لمواصلة العلاج لفترة طويلة بعد النقطة التي يشير فيها المحترف الصادق إلى أن العلاج غير فعال. إن الأمل في الشفاء يجعل العديد من الآباء ينفقون المال لفترة طويلة بعد مرور فرصة معقولة للنجاح. إن إضافة ضغوط مالية إلى أسرة بها طفل مصاب بالتوحد أمر غير حكيم. ● تكاليف الفرصة البديلة: إن الوقت والموارد التي ينفقها الآباء على علاج غير مثبت هي وقت وموارد كان من الممكن إنفاقها على تدخل ذي احتمالية أكبر للنجاح. على سبيل المثال، يرى العديد من الخبراء أن برامج التدخل المبكر التي تستخدم تقنيات تعديل السلوك المقبولة، مثل تحليل السلوك التطبيقي، فعالة بشكل خاص. ومع ذلك، إذا قضى الطفل السنوات الأولى في علاج غير مثبت وغير فعال في النهاية، فإن فرصة التدخل المبكر تضيع. ● التكاليف النفسية: غالبًا ما يشعر الآباء الذين يسعون إلى ""علاجات"" أو تحسينات كبيرة في أطفالهم من علاجات غير مثبتة بخيبة أمل. يمكن أن تتسبب التجربة المتكررة مع العلاجات التي يتم الترويج لها بضجة كبيرة ولكنها تبين أنها غير فعالة في إصابة أفراد أسرة الأفراد المصابين بالتوحد بالاكتئاب أو السخرية غير الضرورية من العلاجات الجديدة، حتى تلك التي تعتبر تدخلات مشروعة. الضرر الجسدي: يمكن أن يأتي الضرر الجسدي من التدخلات الدوائية والغذائية والسلوكية. تمتلئ سجلات إدارة الغذاء والدواء بالعديد من الأمثلة على المواد التي كان يُعتقد في البداية أنها مفيدة وبدون آثار جانبية ضارة والتي تبين أنها ضارة للغاية. تتراوح الأمثلة من العيوب الخلقية المرتبطة بدواء الخصوبة ثاليدوميد إلى تلف صمام القلب المرتبط باستخدام أدوية الحمية فينفلورامين وديكسفينفلورامين (أي فين فين). يوصي بعض الممارسين الآن باستخدام مواد مثل سيكريتين وديميثيل جليسين (DMG) لعلاج التوحد. لم يتم التحقيق في آثار الاستخدام طويل الأمد وهي غير معروفة. يصعب تحقيق التدخلات الغذائية التي توصي بنظام غذائي محدود للغاية (مثل النظام الغذائي الخالي من الغلوتين) وقد تحرم الأطفال من العناصر الغذائية اللازمة. أدت الأنظمة الغذائية الأخرى التي تشجع على تناول جرعات عالية من الفيتامينات أو المكملات المعدنية في بعض الأحيان إلى المرض أو الوفاة. حتى التدخلات السلوكية ليست خالية من خطر الضرر. في الماضي، شجعت بعض التدخلات السلوكية الآباء على استخدام العقاب البدني لتقليل مقدار السلوك غير اللائق اجتماعيًا. في بعض الحالات، أدى هذا العقاب إلى مزاعم بإساءة معاملة الأطفال من قبل أفراد الأسرة. يمكن أن تؤدي التدخلات السلوكية المفرطة في التقييد أو الشدة إلى زيادة مستوى إحباط الطفل وتؤدي إلى زيادة السلوكيات التوحدية، مع مزيد من التراجع عن السلوكيات المقبولة اجتماعيًا. تعليق الدكتور كوين: أنا لا أقترح عدم السماح للآباء والمتخصصين باستكشاف مجموعة من خيارات العلاج. ما يُقترح هو أن يفعلوا ذلك بأكبر قدر ممكن من المعلومات، وأن يتسلحوا بموقف من الشك الصحي لعدة أسباب، فإن هذا الشك مهم بشكل خاص عند النظر في علاجات التوحد لأنه يعمل بمثابة توازن للرغبة القوية في فعل ""شيء ما"" لطفلك. وأخيرًا وربما الأهم من ذلك، يجب على المرء دائمًا أن يكون على دراية بإمكانية الضرر. تعليق ويليام: لا يوجد جبل لن يتسلقه أحد الوالدين حافي القدمين إذا كان يعتقد أنه سيكون مفيدًا لطفله المصاب بالتوحد. يتطلب الأمر انضباطًا حقيقيًا لرسم مسار عمل والالتزام به. يمكن أن تكون الالتزامات المالية، كما ذكر الدكتور كوين، هائلة في العلاجات المثبتة (ABA). إنها ليست فكرة رائعة أن تبحث عن شيء جديد وغير مثبت.",Treatment,Alternative Treatments
هل التدخلات الغذائية مفيدة للأطفال المصابين بالتوحد؟,"نعم، ولكن ليس بالطريقة التي يظنها بعض الآباء. قد يعاني الأطفال المصابون بالتوحد من مشاكل صحية نتيجة سوء التغذية. فمن ناحية، قد يكونون انتقائيين للغاية في اختيار طعامهم، فيقتصرون على بعض الأطعمة التي قد لا تحتوي على جميع العناصر الغذائية التي يحتاجها الطفل. يُعدّ اتباع نظام غذائي متوازن ومغذٍّ أمرًا بالغ الأهمية، وينبغي أن يكون هدفًا للآباء. من ناحية أخرى، قد تُصبح السمنة مشكلة لدى بعض الأطفال المصابين بالتوحد. فمع تقدمهم في السن وقدرتهم على فتح الثلاجة والوصول إلى خزائن المؤن، قد يصعب عليهم تحديد كمية الطعام التي يتناولونها. علاوة على ذلك، يُمثل تشجيع الأطفال على ممارسة الرياضة بأمان تحديًا لمعظم الآباء. يمكن أن تُفيد المناقشات مع طبيب الأطفال أو أخصائي التغذية المُرخص في تصميم نظام غذائي مناسب للطفل المصاب بالتوحد. ومع ذلك، غالبًا ما لا تكون هذه هي النصيحة الغذائية التي يطلبها بعض الآباء. في محاولة لبذل قصارى جهدهم لمساعدة أطفالهم، يسعى العديد من الآباء باستمرار إلى أنظمة غذائية جديدة كشكل من أشكال علاج الأعراض أو كعلاج لمرض التوحد. للأسف، لا يوجد دليل علمي يدعم أي نظام غذائي كعلاج للأعراض السلوكية أو كعلاج للتوحد. ليست كل العلاجات المُعلن عنها من نسج خيال دجالين بقصد الاحتيال على الآباء اليائسين. بعض العلاجات يُطورها معالجون ذوو سمعة طيبة أو آباء أطفال مصابين بالتوحد يعتقدون بصدق أن نظامهم الغذائي سيساعد. بل قد يبدو أنه ساعد بعض الأطفال الذين عولجوا به. قد يُفيد علاج غير مُثبت طفلًا، ولكنه قد لا يُفيد آخر، أو قد يكون ضارًا. دون إخضاع كل نظام غذائي للتدقيق العلمي، لا يُمكن الإدلاء بأي تصريح حول فعالية العلاج أو سلامته. يُشير التدقيق العلمي إلى إجراء تجربة تجريبية على مجموعة كبيرة من الأطفال المصابين بالتوحد من قِبل باحثين موضوعيين. عادةً، يُوزع الباحثون الأطفال المصابين بالتوحد عشوائيًا على مجموعتين متساويتين من الأطفال ذوي الأعمار والإعاقات المتشابهة. تتلقى إحدى المجموعتين تدخلاً، مثل نظام غذائي جديد أو دواء أو مُكمل غذائي. وتتلقى المجموعة الأخرى علاجًا وهميًا أو حبة دواء وهمي. لن يعرف أيٌّ من الأطباء الفاحصين، أو أولياء الأمور، أو الأطفال المصابين بالتوحد من يتلقى العلاج الحقيقي. بعد انتهاء التجربة وتقييم جميع الأطفال، سيعرف الأطباء أي مجموعة تلقت ""العلاج الفعال"" وأي مجموعة تلقت العلاج الوهمي أو العلاج الوهمي. إذا لم تكن هناك فروق ملحوظة بين المجموعتين، فسيتم تحديد عدم فعالية العلاج. إذا كان هناك تحسن ملحوظ في مجموعة العلاج، فهذا يعني أن العلاج كان فعالاً في تحسين أعراض التوحد. يُطلق على هذا النوع من التجارب اسم التجربة العشوائية مزدوجة التعمية، وهي أساس جميع العلاجات الجديدة التي تقبلها إدارة الغذاء والدواء الأمريكية. للأسف، لم تخضع معظم العلاجات الغذائية لهذا النوع من التقييم.",Treatment,Dietary Interventions
ما هي بعض النصائح لتربية الأطفال المصابين بالتوحد؟,"بالنسبة للوالد الذي تم تشخيص طفله حديثًا، فيما يلي نصائح لمساعدتك في تجنب الوقوع في الأخطاء في التعامل مع طفلك. انتبه لبيئة طفلك وروتينه. ● حافظ على البيئة متوقعة ومألوفة. ● ضع جدولًا منتظمًا يتبعه أفراد الأسرة وانشره على الثلاجة أو في مكان واضح آخر. ● جهز طفلك للتغييرات. ● استخدم الصور والتقويمات لمساعدة طفلك على التنبؤ بالأحداث القادمة. ● حدد بوضوح في التقويم موعد زيارة طبيب الأسنان أو طبيب الأطفال. ● اشرح ما سيحدث ووعد بمكافأة على السلوك الجيد. ● يوجد العديد من كتب الأطفال حول مواضيع مثل الرحلات إلى طبيب الأسنان أو الطبيب أو منزل الجدة والتي يمكن قراءتها وشرحها للطفل تحسبًا للزيارة الأولى. ● عند نقل طفلك من نشاط يستمتع به إلى نشاط آخر، امنحه ""عدًا تنازليًا"". يُعلم العد التنازلي الطفل أنه سيتعين عليه تغيير الأنشطة في غضون بضع دقائق. على سبيل المثال، ""15 دقيقة ويغلق التلفزيون"" أو ""30 دقيقة حتى وقت النوم"". ثم اذكر التغيير في النشاط كل بضع دقائق حتى يتغير النشاط. إن استخدام مؤقت البيض أو المنبه مفيد للتعزيز. إن أسلوب العد التنازلي يقلل بشكل كبير من نوبات الغضب. ● توفير الهيكل والروتين. ● يحتاج الأطفال المصابون بالتوحد إلى الهيكل والروتين ويمكن أن ينزعجوا تمامًا عند حدوث تغييرات صغيرة. ● إنشاء قائمة يومية بالأحداث والأنشطة المطلوبة للطفل. ● يمكن تصوير هذه القائمة اليومية واستخدامها كل يوم. ● السماح للطفل بتحديد الأنشطة المنجزة. ● بالإضافة إلى أشياء مثل وقت اللعب ووقت النوم، يجب أن تتضمن القائمة اليومية للأنشطة الأعمال المنزلية المطلوبة والواجبات المنزلية والاستحمام وأنشطة العناية الشخصية. وبهذه الطريقة، لا توفر قائمة الأنشطة اليومية مرجعًا مهدئًا للطفل فحسب، بل تعزز السلوكيات المناسبة أيضًا. ● إن التأكد من عدم مقاطعة الروتين اليومي دون داعٍ سيقلل من خوف الطفل وقلقه بالإضافة إلى السلوك غير المرغوب فيه. ● استمر في الروتين قدر الإمكان عند السفر مع طفلك. ● تأكد من أن جليسات الأطفال أو مقدمي الرعاية المؤقتة على دراية بقائمة الأنشطة اليومية وأي مكافآت مرتبطة بالسلوك الجيد. هذا سيجعل عمل جليسة الأطفال أسهل ويخفف من قلق الطفل. ● كن على دراية بالمحفزات الحسية من البيئة. يمكن أن تزعج الطفل وتؤثر على السلوك. بعض الأمثلة هي: ● الضوضاء: يمكن أن يكون هذا واضحًا مثل أصوات البناء من الشارع أو خفيًا مثل أزيز ضوء الفلورسنت أو اندفاع الهواء من مجرى تكييف الهواء. كن على دراية بأي تغييرات وعدّلها عند الاقتضاء. ● درجة الحرارة: عندما يكون ذلك ممكنًا، تحكم في درجة حرارة غرفة نوم الطفل ومساحة اللعب. انتبه إلى أن بعض الأدوية، مثل مضادات الذهان أو أدوية السلفا، يمكن أن تجعل الطفل أكثر حساسية للحرارة الزائدة أو التعرض لأشعة الشمس. ● الروائح: بعض الروائح تزعج الأطفال المصابين بالتوحد. كن على دراية بالروائح الجديدة في البيئة. تشمل هذه المنتجات منتجات التنظيف والدهانات والمذيبات والمواد اللاصقة والعطور ومزيلات العرق. استخدم منتجات التنظيف أثناء وجود طفلك في المدرسة قدر الإمكان، وانقل سرير الطفل إلى غرفة نومك أو إلى القبو عند طلاء غرفته. ● الأشخاص الغرباء: قد يشعر الأطفال المصابون بالتوحد بالإثارة أو الانطواء عند وجود أشخاص جدد. ● أخبر الأطفال المصابين بالتوحد، قدر الإمكان، بموعد زيارة صديق أو قريب. ● انشر صورة للزائر على الثلاجة ليراها الطفل، قدر الإمكان. ارجع إليها كثيرًا قبل الزيارة. ● جهزهم لزيارة الطبيب أو طبيب الأسنان أو الحلاق بإخبارهم بما سيحدث، وتهدئة مخاوفهم، ووعدهم بمكافآت على حسن السلوك. عندما تتحدث إلى طفلك: ● تحدث بوضوح وبجمل كاملة. ● عند إعطاء التعليمات، كن منظمًا وموجزًا قدر الإمكان. ● تجنب الأسئلة البلاغية أو العبارات الساخرة. من غير المرجح أن يتم فهمها وستزيد من ميل الطفل لتجاهل الكلام. ● تجنب مناقشة المفاهيم المجردة. عندما يكون ذلك ممكنًا، تحدث بعبارات ملموسة. ● حاول الرد باستمرار على أسئلة الطفل أو محاولات التواصل الأخرى. ● تجاهل محاولات الطفل في التواصل يثبط عزيمته ويعزز ميله للانسحاب. لمساعدة طفلك على تحسين سلوكه: ● ساعد طفلك على تعلم التواصل. ● اعمل على التواصل مبكرًا وبشكل متكرر. ● كن متسقًا في جهودك. سيساعد ذلك طفلك على التحسن. ● سيساعد التواصل الأفضل في تخفيف إحباط طفلك وقد يؤدي إلى سلوك أفضل. ● كن قدوة لعبارات بسيطة لطفلك، مثل ""هل لي أن..."" أو ""أريد..."" اجعل طفلك يكرر العبارة قبل تلبية طلبه. ● استخدم الإيماءات ولغة الإشارة ولوحات الصور وأجهزة الاتصال عندما يكون الكلام غير ممكن. ● علم طفلك اتخاذ القرارات. ● عدم القدرة على اتخاذ القرار أو الاختيار سمة من سمات التوحد. ● قد يساعد توفير الفرص لاتخاذ الخيارات كل يوم في ذلك. بعض الخيارات التي يمكنك تقديمها لطفلك هي الملابس التي يرتديها، واللعبة التي يلعبها، والقناة التي يشاهدها، أو الوجبة الخفيفة التي يتناولها. ● كن متسقًا في مكافأة السلوك الإيجابي. ● حدد السلوك الإيجابي الذي ترغب في أن يحاكيه طفلك. ● كافئ السلوك في كل مرة وبأسرع وقت ممكن. ● قد تتكون المكافآت من مدح لفظي، أو نجمة في قائمة إنجازاته اليومية، أو وجبة خفيفة أو لعبة. ● يجب تحديد السلوك غير المرغوب فيه مبكرًا ومعالجته على الفور ● عالج السلوك غير المرغوب فيه باستمرار؛ لا تدع بعض السلوكيات السيئة تمر. إن عدم معالجة السلوك السيئ سيضمن تكراره. ● غالبًا ما لا يستطيع الأطفال المصابون بالتوحد ""قراءة"" الإشارات العاطفية مثل نبرة الصوت الغاضبة أو تعبير الوجه الغاضب. لذلك، اجذب انتباه طفلك وأخبره بالسلوك الذي تتوقعه بعبارات واضحة وموجزة. ● استبدل السلوك غير المرغوب فيه بنشاط مفضل؛ أي استخدم وسائل تشتيت الانتباه. ● مع أن رفض المكافأة ردًا على السلوك غير المرغوب فيه أمر مناسب، إلا أن العقاب البدني لا يشجع على السلوك الجيد ولا يُنصح به. ● اختر مكافآت تعلم أن طفلك سيحبها ويمكنك تقديمها. ● الوعد بمكافأة معينة على سلوك جيد وعدم القدرة على تقديمها فور إنجازه للمهمة المحددة خطأ شائع. نوبات الغضب وإضاعة فرصة تعزيز السلوك الجيد هي النتائج المؤسفة. ● قبل الوعد بمكافأة معينة: ● اشترِ أي ألعاب أو وجبات خفيفة ستستخدمها كمكافأة قبل أن تعدهم بذلك. اتصل بالحديقة أو المسبح أو صالة الألعاب أو دار السينما للتأكد من أنها مفتوحة قبل الوعد برحلة.",Support,Parenting Advice
كيف يمكنني مساعدة أطفالي الآخرين على تكوين علاقة مع أشقائهم المصابين بالتوحد؟,في حين أن بناء العلاقات بين الأخ المصاب بالتوحد والأخ الطبيعي يكون أكثر صعوبة، إلا أنها قد تكون بنفس درجة المحبة والرضا التي تتمتع بها العلاقات بين الأخوين الطبيعيين. يجد الأطفال الذين لا يدركون تمامًا حساسيات الأخ المصاب بالتوحد وحدوده صعوبة في إشراكه في المحادثة أو اللعب. إن آثار الخوف أو التجاهل أو الرفض من قبل الأخ المصاب بالتوحد يمكن أن تعيق بناء علاقة جيدة. لذلك، ليس من المستغرب أن يشعر الأطفال الصغار الذين لا يعرفون كيفية التحدث أو اللعب مع أخيهم المصاب بالتوحد بالإحباط من ردود الفعل التي يواجهونها ويبحثون عن رفقاء لعب في مكان آخر. يمكن للوالدين تشجيع علاقة جيدة بين الأشقاء من خلال تعليم أطفالهم الطبيعيين عن التوحد وبعض المهارات البسيطة. في الواقع، أظهرت الأبحاث أنه لا يمكن للأشقاء تعلم هذه المهارات الأساسية لإشراك أخيهم أو أختهم المصابين بالتوحد فحسب، بل يمكنهم أيضًا تحسين علاقتهم والاستمتاع بها. لتحسين العلاقة بين الأشقاء، يحتاج الأشقاء العاديون إلى معرفة كيفية اختلاف الأطفال المصابين بالتوحد عنهم. قد لا يستمتع أخوهم أو أختهم بالعناق أو اللمس بطريقة معينة. قد تكون الأصوات العالية أو الضوضاء الصادرة عن الألعاب أو الألعاب مؤلمة أو مخيفة. قد تكون الألعاب المعقدة للغاية أو الألعاب التي تعتمد بشكل كبير على التواصل اللفظي غير مناسبة للأشقاء المصابين بالتوحد - على الرغم من أن هذا ليس هو الحال بالنسبة لجميع الأطفال المصابين بالتوحد. هذه عملية تجربة وخطأ للوالدين والأشقاء. يمكن أن تستغرق عملية التعلم وقتًا ويجب التعامل معها تدريجيًا. قد يؤدي الإفراط في اللعب في وقت مبكر جدًا إلى إرهاق الأطفال واستنفاد صبر الأشقاء والآباء على حد سواء. عندما يكتسب الطفل العادي فهمًا لحساسيات الأخ التوحدي ومستويات اهتمامه، يتم وضع الأساس لتحسين التواصل واللعب. بعض المهارات التي يمكن للأشقاء العاديين تطويرها للتواصل بشكل أفضل مع أخيهم المصاب بالتوحد هي: جذب انتباههم: قد يبدو الأطفال المصابون بالتوحد لا يسمعون جيدًا لأن تركيز اهتمامهم في مكان آخر. قبل محاولة إشراك الأخ المصاب بالتوحد في اللعب، يجب أن يلفت الأخ العادي انتباهه. يمكن أن يشمل ذلك مواجهة الطفل وحثه على التواصل البصري والاستجابة بطريقة ما. تبسيط المهام: عند محاولة تعليم أخيه المصاب بالتوحد لعبة جديدة أو مهارة رياضية، من المفيد تقسيم هذه المهارة إلى سلسلة من الخطوات البسيطة. يجب شرح كل خطوة بوضوح وإثباتها إن أمكن. إعطاء التعليمات: يجب تعديل أي تعليمات تُعطى وفقًا لقدرة الطفل المصاب بالتوحد على الفهم. من الأفضل أن تكون التعليمات قصيرة وبسيطة. إذا أمكن، قد يكون توضيح ما تريد مفيدًا. مرة أخرى، يجب تشجيع الطفل العادي على التحلي بالصبر. الثناء على الأداء الجيد: عندما يتعاون الطفل المصاب بالتوحد أو يؤدي مهارة بشكل جيد، يكون الثناء في محله. يمكن أن يكون هذا على شكل ثناء لفظي أو تعليق رسم على الثلاجة أو تقديم نوع من المكافأة. التعزيز الإيجابي هو حافز كبير لكل من الأطفال العاديين والمصابين بالتوحد. على الآباء أن يتذكروا أنه خلال عملية التعلم هذه، تنطبق قواعد تطوير المهارات على كلٍّ من الطفل العادي والطفل المصاب بالتوحد. على الآباء التحلي بالصبر مع الطفل العادي، وتشجيع جهوده، والثناء على نجاحه.,Support,Sibling Relationships
كيف أجعل منزلي آمنًا لطفلي المصاب بالتوحد؟,"وُجد أن الاقتراحات التالية مفيدة في منع أنواع معينة من السلوكيات وضمان بيئة أكثر أمانًا. تتراوح الاقتراحات من استخدام الأقفال للأمان أو تقييد وصول الفرد إلى وضع علامات على كل عنصر ومنطقة وظيفية في المنزل بصور أو رموز للمساعدة في التواصل. بعد تحديد جميع المخاطر في المنزل، افصل كل غرفة إلى واحدة من ثلاث فئات: 1. آمنة 2. تحتاج إلى تعديل 3. ممنوع الدخول. الغرف الآمنة هي تلك الغرف التي يمكن للطفل قضاء وقته فيها مع القليل من المخاطر على سلامته. الغرف التي تتطلب تعديلًا هي الغرف التي قد يلزم فيها إزالة الأثاث أو استبداله، أو تغطية المنافذ الكهربائية، أو وضع أقفال على الأبواب والخزائن. الغرف التي تحمل علامة ""ممنوع الدخول"" هي تلك الغرف التي تحتوي على أشياء يمكن أن تؤذي الطفل، ولكن لا يمكن تعديلها بسهولة. على سبيل المثال، من المعروف أن الأطفال الصغار المصابين بالتوحد يتعرضون للإصابة عند الصعود إلى الغسالات أو المجففات. إذا كان لديك غرفة غسيل، فقد يكون وضع قفل على الباب أسهل من تصميم طريقة لمنع الوصول إلى الغسالة والمجفف. ويمكن قول الشيء نفسه عن الأقبية المليئة بالأدوات الكهربائية أو لوازم الطلاء. عدّل أهم المناطق أولاً. ليس كل والد قادراً على تحمل تكاليف تجديد أمن المنزل بالكامل. لذلك، ينبغي على الوالدين تحديد المناطق التي يقضي فيها الطفل معظم وقته والعمل على تأمينها أولاً. على سبيل المثال، غرفة نوم الطفل، والحمام، وغرفة المعيشة، والمطبخ، والفناء الخلفي، كلها أماكن جيدة للبدء، لأنها المناطق الرئيسية التي يتفاعل فيها العديد من الأطفال المصابين بالتوحد. احصل على الأثاث المناسب. قد يكون الأطفال المصابون بالتوحد قاسيين على الأثاث. فهم يستمتعون بالقفز والتسلق؛ أي القفز من قطعة أثاث إلى أخرى. لذلك، قد تُسبب الخزائن المرتفعة إصابات عند السقوط، وقد تتحطم طاولات القهوة ذات الأسطح الزجاجية، وقد تُسبب الحواف الحادة للطاولات الجانبية جروحاً وكدمات للأطفال النشطين. يجب إزالة الأثاث الذي يُشكل خطراً مباشراً على الطفل من الغرفة. عند اختيار أثاث جديد لغرفة سيقضي فيها طفلك المصاب بالتوحد الكثير من الوقت (مثل غرفة نومه أو غرفة اللعب)، ابحث عن كراسي ناعمة ومتينة (مثل كراسي البين باج)، ومكاتب وطاولات ذات حواف مستديرة، وأسرّة منخفضة، وخزائن كتب قابلة للتثبيت على الجدران، وما إلى ذلك. استخدم الأقفال والأسوار والبوابات عند الحاجة. من المهم وضع أقفال على الأبواب الخارجية التي تُسهّل الدخول والخروج من وإلى المنزل. بالنسبة للأفراد الذين يهربون أو يغادرون المنزل دون مراقبة، فإن وضع أقفال على الأبواب يمنعهم من المغادرة. ضع أقفالًا على الأبواب الداخلية والخزائن حيث لا ينبغي أن يكون للفرد وصول حر، مثل الخزائن التي تحتوي على الأدوية أو مواد التنظيف. يمكن استخدام البوابات القابلة للطي لمنع الوصول إلى السلالم أو الغرف الأخرى. ضع في اعتبارك أنه على الرغم من أن هذه البوابات قد تكون مناسبة للأطفال الصغار، إلا أنها قد لا توفر حاجزًا فعالًا مع تقدم طفلك في السن وقوته. يمكن أن يوفر إحاطة الفناء الأمامي أو الخلفي بسياج ملاذًا آمنًا لطفلك للعب. إذا كان لديك مسبح، فاستخدم غطاءً فوقه وأغلقه. احمِ نوافذك. إذا كان الطفل يحب التسلق من النوافذ، فضع أقفالًا عليها. توفر متاجر الأدوات أقفالًا خاصة لهذا الغرض. إذا كسر الطفل الزجاج أو ارتطم بالنوافذ، فاستبدل الألواح الزجاجية بألواح زجاجية لمنع الإصابة. اضطر بعض الآباء إلى وضع ألواح خشبية على النوافذ لمنع الإصابات أو الهروب. استخدم أجهزة الإنذار عند الحاجة. يبدو أن بعض الأطفال المصابين بالتوحد يستمتعون بالهروب من المنزل دون أن يلاحظهم أحد. ينسلون من الأبواب أو النوافذ، بل ويفتحون الأقفال مع تقدمهم في السن. يمكن أن يُنبه وضع أجهزة الإنذار على الأبواب والنوافذ الآباء إلى محاولات طفلهم للهروب. قد يكون هذا أكثر أمانًا من وضع حواجز كثيرة قد تمنع الهروب أثناء حريق المنزل. لا يشترط أن تكون هذه الأنظمة الأمنية متكاملة ومكلفة. تبيع متاجر الإلكترونيات المحلية أجهزة إنذار رخيصة الثمن، لكنها فعالة جدًا، للأبواب والنوافذ الفردية. تأكد من سلامة المنافذ الكهربائية والأجهزة. غطِّ أو انزع المنافذ الكهربائية ومداخل الأجهزة الكهربائية. استخدم أغطية بلاستيكية لمقابض الأبواب والحنفيات والأفران ومواقد الطهي. تأكد من إخفاء جميع أسلاك الأجهزة والإلكترونيات بطريقة تمنع الطفل من العبث بها أو عضها أو قطعها. يجب عدم تخزين الأشياء الثقيلة، مثل أجهزة التلفزيون أو مسجلات الفيديو أو أجهزة الكمبيوتر، في أماكن مرتفعة، حتى لا يتمكن الطفل من سحبها. احفظ الأشياء الخطرة في مكان آمن. تأكد من وضع المواد السامة في خزانة محكمة الغلق. تشمل هذه المواد المنظفات، والمواد الكيميائية الكاوية، ولوازم التنظيف، والمبيدات الحشرية، والأدوية، والأشياء الصغيرة التي قد يمضغها الطفل أو يبتلعها. يجب وضع الأدوات الحادة وأدوات المطبخ في مكان مغلق (إن أمكن) أو بعيدًا عن الأنظار وفي متناول اليد، إذا كانت تُستخدم بانتظام. بدلًا من وضع هذه الأدوات في جميع أنحاء المنزل في أماكن مناسبة للأعمال المنزلية، قد يكون من الأسلم تخزينها في مكان واحد، مثل خزانة أو خزانة يمكن قفلها بإحكام. بالنسبة للأدوات مثل سكاكين المطبخ أو المقصات الحادة، يمكن وضع أقفال على خزائن أو أدراج المطبخ الفردية. تذكر السلامة من الحرائق. فيما يتعلق بالسلامة من الحرائق، من المهم إبقاء الولاعات وأعواد الثقاب بعيدًا عن متناول الأطفال أو مقفلة. ضع أغطية أمان على مواقد الغاز ومقابض الأفران حتى لا يتمكن الطفل من تشغيلها. راقب الأطفال دائمًا عن كثب عند وجود حريق مشتعل في المدفأة أو عند وجود شواية ذات لهب مكشوف. يمكن للعديد من إدارات الإطفاء المحلية توفير ملصقات (غالبًا ما تُسمى ملصقات الأطفال) لنوافذ غرف نوم الأطفال. هذه الأدوات لا تُقدر بثمن في حالة نشوب حريق، إذ تُمكّن رجال الإطفاء من تحديد موقع غرفة نوم الطفل بسرعة. مع أنه قد يكون من الصعب تعليم شخص مصاب بالتوحد أو اضطراب النمو الشامل خطورة الحريق، إلا أنه قد يكون من الممكن تعليمه كيفية التصرف عند التعامل مع الحريق. توخَّ الحذر عند استخدام الأسلحة النارية في المنزل، فالأطفال المصابون بالتوحد لا يتعلمون بسهولة كيفية استخدام الأسلحة. يجب عدم وضع الأسلحة في طاولات السرير أو فوق الخزائن وما شابه. يجب وضع جميع الأسلحة النارية في خزنة مغلقة، بحيث تكون غير مرئية وبعيدة عن متناول الأطفال في المنزل. فكّر في خيارات تحديد الهوية. يميل الأطفال المصابون بالتوحد إلى التجول، والتخلف عن المجموعات، والضياع، وأحيانًا الهروب من منازلهم. إذا كان لدى طفلك بطاقة هوية صحيحة، فسيكون من الأسهل على الآخرين مساعدته في العودة إلى المنزل. هذا صحيح بشكل خاص إذا كان طفلك غير قادر على التواصل بفعالية. إذا كان طفلك يتحمل ارتداء سوار أو قلادة هوية طبية، فاحصل على واحدة (يمكن العثور عليها في الصيدلية المحلية أو طلبها عبر الإنترنت). مع ذلك، لا يحب العديد من الأطفال المصابين بالتوحد ارتداء المجوهرات، لذا فإن الخيار الأمثل هو وضع ملصقات تُلصق بالكي على كل قطعة ملابس. يمكن تعليم بعض الأطفال حمل بطاقة هوية في محفظتهم أو حقيبتهم أو حقيبة الخصر أو حقيبة الظهر. كما يمكن تعليمهم إظهار بطاقات هويتهم عند طلبها من الكبار.",Treatment,Safety
"What treatments are available?
","There are several treatments and interventions available for autism spectrum disorder (ASD), each tailored to meet the individual needs of the person. These include:

1. **Behavioral Therapies**:
   - **Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA)**: A widely used therapy that helps improve social, communication, and learning skills through positive reinforcement.
   - **Speech and Language Therapy**: Helps improve communication skills, including verbal and non-verbal communication.
   - **Occupational Therapy**: Focuses on developing daily living skills, motor coordination, and sensory integration.

2. **Educational Interventions**:
   - **Individualized Education Programs (IEPs)**: Customized learning plans for children in school settings.
   - **Structured Teaching (TEACCH)**: A program that uses structured environments and visual supports to help individuals with ASD learn and function better.

3. **Social Skills Training**:
   - Programs designed to help individuals with ASD develop better social interaction and communication skills.

4. **Medications**:
   - While there is no cure for autism, medications may be used to manage specific symptoms such as anxiety, depression, hyperactivity, or aggression. Commonly prescribed medications include SSRIs (e.g., fluoxetine), antipsychotics (e.g., risperidone), and stimulant medications for ADHD symptoms.

5. **Sensory Integration Therapy**:
   - Helps individuals process and respond to sensory information more effectively.

6. **Alternative and Complementary Therapies**:
   - These may include dietary changes, supplements, music therapy, and animal-assisted therapy. It's important to consult with healthcare professionals before starting any alternative treatment.

7. **Parent-Mediated Interventions**:
   - Training parents to support their child's development through everyday interactions and play.

Treatment plans are often multidisciplinary and should be developed in collaboration with healthcare providers, educators, and therapists to ensure they are effective and appropriate for the individual.",Treatment,Treatments
"A 10-year-old boy comes to the general practice surgery with his mother. His school have indicated that he has become increasingly disruptive in class. He has two older brothers, both of whom do well at school and have gentle and calm temperaments. Her husband left her over a year ago. The separation was amicable and despite regular contact with his father, she is worried that the boy is having some sort of delayed response to this. The school’s reports have remarked that although he was always quite an excitable and overactive child, he has been worse over the last two years. He has difficulty sitting still, runs round the classroom, finds it difficult to concentrate and is often in trouble for shouting out. He shouts bizarre things like ‘warthog’ and ‘blue badger did it’, often using a different voice to his own. To a lesser degree it has been occurring on and off for years but currently it is particularly problematic. The words he uses change over time. He may shout ‘warthog’ in repeated outbursts over several days and then use a different phrase such as ‘Julie’s knickers’ for several days. Sometimes the phrases are rude and upsetting to other children and staff. He has shouted out names such as ‘stupid donkey’ and ‘big fat witch face’ but never serious swear words. Staff noticed that he used to rapidly nod and jerk his head, pat his lips or make kissing noises when he was engaged in work. More recently his fidgeting involves him tapping his foot, kicking his leg out and reaching to grab the air. He has a very pronounced repeated blink involving much of his face. For short periods he can control himself on request. The teachers have noticed that he finds this difficult and is usually more disruptive afterwards with episodes of explosive shouting and lots of rapid movements. His mother says that his behaviour at home is similar but that until the school spoke with her she regarded it as ‘just him’. She noted that it seemed to wax and wane according to his mood or stressors. He previously had lots of friends but over the past year he has not been invited to friends’ houses so frequently.
• What is your differential diagnosis? • What is the prognosis for this child’s problems?","

**Differential Diagnosis:**  
1. **Tourette Syndrome (TS):**  
   - Presence of both motor (repeated blinking, head jerking, foot tapping, leg kicking, air-grabbing) and vocal tics (""warthog,"" ""blue badger did it,"" socially inappropriate phrases) with fluctuating types and frequency over more than a year.  
   - Tics are suppressible for short periods, followed by a rebound increase, consistent with TS.  
   - Complex vocalizations (phrases, altered voices) and waxing/waning course support this diagnosis.  

2. **Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD):**  
   - Longstanding hyperactivity, inattention, and impulsivity (difficulty sitting still, disruptive behavior, shouting out in class).  
   - ADHD commonly co-occurs with TS (up to 60% of children with TS have ADHD), contributing to functional impairment.  

3. **Chronic Tic Disorder (unlikely):**  
   - Excluded due to the presence of both motor and vocal tics, which meet criteria for TS.  

4. **PANDAS/PANS (unlikely):**  
   - No history of acute onset, streptococcal infection, or associated autoimmune symptoms.  

5. **Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) (unlikely):**  
   - No reported deficits in social communication or restricted interests; social isolation appears secondary to behavioral issues.  

**Prognosis:**  
- **Tourette Syndrome:**  
  - Typically peaks in severity around ages 10–13, with improvement in late adolescence in ~50% of cases.  
  - Tics may persist into adulthood but often become less disabling.  
  - Comorbid ADHD may worsen social and academic outcomes if untreated.  

- **ADHD:**  
  - Chronic course without intervention. Medications (e.g., stimulants) and behavioral therapies improve symptoms but require careful titration due to potential tic exacerbation.  

- **Social and Emotional Impact:**  
  - Risk of low self-esteem, bullying, and isolation due to disruptive behavior and inappropriate vocalizations.  
  - Early multidisciplinary intervention (neurology, psychiatry, school-based support) is critical to optimize outcomes.  

**Recommendations:**  
- Confirm diagnosis with a pediatric neurologist or psychiatrist.  
- Initiate behavioral therapies (e.g., CBIT for tics, parent/teacher training for ADHD).  
- Consider pharmacotherapy (e.g., alpha-agonists for tics/ADHD, stimulants with caution).  
- School accommodations (e.g., IEP or 504 plan) to address academic and behavioral needs.  
- Monitor for anxiety, depression, or social withdrawal.  

**Answer:**  
**Differential Diagnosis:** Tourette Syndrome (primary), comorbid ADHD. Prognosis is cautiously favorable with early intervention, as tics often improve in adolescence, though social and academic challenges may persist without support. Multimodal therapy is essential to address both tic severity and ADHD symptoms.",Diagnosis,Seeking Diagnosis
Do all individuals with ASD have intellectual disability?,"It is estimated that around 50% of persons with ASD also suffer from an intellectual disability.
Some individuals with ASD have an intellectual disability whilst some have average or above average intelligence.
Read more:
https://www.who.int/news-room/q-a-detail/autism-spectrum-disorders-(asd)

Continue asking or input 'go back' to Main Service",Symptoms,Co-occurring Conditions
What are some of the more common autism screening tools that are used today?,"There are many different developmental screening tools that may be administered by professionals, community service providers, and in some cases, parents. These include:
1. Ages and Stages Questionnaires (ASQ)
2. Communication and Symbolic Behavior Scales (CSBS)
3. Parent's Evaluation of Development Status (PEDS)
4. Modified Checklist for Autism in Toddlers (M-CHAT)
5. Screening Tool for Autism in Toddlers and Young Children (STAT)
6. Observation tools such as the Autism Diagnostic Observation Schedule (ADOS-G)
7. The Childhood Autism Rating Scale (CARS)
8. The Autism Diagnostic Interview Revised (ADI-R)
These lists are not exhaustive, and other tests are available.
Read more:
https://www.autism.org/is-it-autism/

Continue asking or input 'go back' to Main Service",Diagnosis,Diagnosis
"I am a female with suspected ASD, but professionals and others have tended to discount my suspicions. What should I do?","While diagnoses of ASD in males continue to increase, the referrals and diagnoses for women have not followed this pattern and females may be diagnosed later in life, especially if they are considered 'high functioning'. There are a few possible reasons for this, including socialization to a 'gender role', better abilities to cope with stressful situations, and better developed social skills. Signs and symptoms of an ASD may be less obvious. Therefore, it is important to see a diagnostician who is familiar with the presentation of ASD in females.
Read more:
https://www.autismontario.com/sites/default/files/2020-04/Getting%20a%20Diagnosis%20of%20ASD_0.pdf

Continue asking or input 'go back' to Main Service",Diagnosis,Seeking Diagnosis
Are there other diseases that have the same symptoms of autism?,"At least seven disorders are part of or closely related to Autism. Each disorder has symptoms commonly seen with autism, as well as its own specific symptoms.
1. Williams Syndrome
2. Fragile X Syndrome
3. Landau-Kleffner Syndrome
4. Prader-Willi Syndrome
5. Angelman Syndrome
6. Rett Syndrome
7. Tardive Dyskinesia
Read More:
https://www.autism.org/related-disorders/

Continue asking or input 'go back' to Main Service",Diagnosis,Differential Diagnosis
What is the prognosis of children with Autism?,"The prognosis in patients with autism is highly correlated with their IQ. Low-functioning patients may never live independently; they typically need home or residential care for the rest of their lives. High-functioning patients may live independently, hold jobs successfully, and even marry and have children.
Read More:
https://www.news-medical.net/health/Autism-Prognosis.aspx

Continue asking or input 'go back' to Main Service",Research,Prognosis
Does Thimerosal cause autism?,"A worldwide increase in the rate of autism diagnoses likely driven by broadened diagnostic criteria and increased awareness has fueled concerns that an environmental exposure like vaccines might cause autism. Theories for this putative association have centered on the measles-mumps-rubella (MMR) vaccine, thimerosal, and the large number of vaccines currently administered. However, both epidemiological and biological studies fail to support these claims.",Research,Causes
Are there treatments available for autism?,"The primary and first-line treatments include intensive behavioral and educational therapies that promote the development of the unique social and communication deficits seen in individuals with autism. Specific interventions should be tailored to each individual's needs and may include both behavioral and pharmacological interventions. Many children benefit from a multidisciplinary team that may include applied behavior analysis (ABA) therapists, speech and language pathologists, occupational therapists, physical therapists and other professionals. There is currently no cure for autism.
Read more:
https://icahn.mssm.edu/research/seaver/resources/autism-faqs

Continue asking or input 'go back' to Main Service",Treatment,Treatments
يعني أي زول عندو توحد، عندو إعاقة عقلية؟," لا تشخيص الفارقي بين التوحد والإعاقة العقلية
‏1. الأطفال المعوقين عقلياً ينتمون أو يتعلقون بالآخرين وهم نسبياً لديهم وعي اجتماعي، في حين أطفال التوحد لا يظهرون أي تعلق بالآخرين أو انتماء لأي جماعة حتى مع وجود ذكاء متوسط لديهم.
‏2. القدرة على المهام غير اللفظية وخاصة الإدراك الحركي والبصري ومهارات التعامل موجود لدى أطفال التوحد وغير موجود لدى الأطفال المعوقين عقلياً.
‏3. كمية واستخدام اللغة للتواصل تكون مناسبة لمستوى ذكاء المعوقين عقلياً أما في حالات التوحد تكون اللغة غير موجودة وإن وجدت تكون غير عادية.
‏4. العيوب الجسمية في التوحد أقل بكثير من العيوب الجسمية لدى المعوقين عقلياً.
‏5. يبدى أطفال التوحد مهارات خاصة تشمل الذاكرة أو الحفظ أو الفن وهذا لا يوجد لدى الأشخاص المعوقين عقلياً.
‏6. يعاني أطفال التوحد من سلوكيات نمطية شائعة مثل حركات اليد والذراع أمام العينين والتأرجح أما المعوقين عقليا فيختلفون في نوع السلوك النمطى الذي يظهرونه .
‏7. التوحديون يعانون من بعض التخلف الفكري بدرجات متفاوتة لكن المعاق عقليا عادة ما يكون لديه نقص عام في كل القدرات . 
8. هناك بعض العلامات الجسمية الدالة على التخلف أما في التوحد عادة ما يكون لديهم نقص متفاوت في القدرات وليس هناك أي علامات جسمية.
",Support,Co-occurring Conditions
يعني أي زول عندو توحد، عندو إعاقة عقلية؟," لا تشخيص الفارقي بين التوحد والإعاقة العقلية
‏1. الأطفال المعوقين عقلياً ينتمون أو يتعلقون بالآخرين وهم نسبياً لديهم وعي اجتماعي، في حين أطفال التوحد لا يظهرون أي تعلق بالآخرين أو انتماء لأي جماعة حتى مع وجود ذكاء متوسط لديهم.
‏2. القدرة على المهام غير اللفظية وخاصة الإدراك الحركي والبصري ومهارات التعامل موجود لدى أطفال التوحد وغير موجود لدى الأطفال المعوقين عقلياً.
‏3. كمية واستخدام اللغة للتواصل تكون مناسبة لمستوى ذكاء المعوقين عقلياً أما في حالات التوحد تكون اللغة غير موجودة وإن وجدت تكون غير عادية.
‏4. العيوب الجسمية في التوحد أقل بكثير من العيوب الجسمية لدى المعوقين عقلياً.
‏5. يبدى أطفال التوحد مهارات خاصة تشمل الذاكرة أو الحفظ أو الفن وهذا لا يوجد لدى الأشخاص المعوقين عقلياً.
‏6. يعاني أطفال التوحد من سلوكيات نمطية شائعة مثل حركات اليد والذراع أمام العينين والتأرجح أما المعوقين عقليا فيختلفون في نوع السلوك النمطى الذي يظهرونه .
‏7. التوحديون يعانون من بعض التخلف الفكري بدرجات متفاوتة لكن المعاق عقليا عادة ما يكون لديه نقص عام في كل القدرات . 
8. هناك بعض العلامات الجسمية الدالة على التخلف أما في التوحد عادة ما يكون لديهم نقص متفاوت في القدرات وليس هناك أي علامات جسمية.
",Symptoms,Co-occurring Conditions
"وش أشهر الأدوات اللي يستخدمونها اليوم لفحص التوحد؟
","أكثر الأدوات شيوعًا:
مقياس كارز للتوحد (CARS):
يستخدم لقياس وتشخيص التوحد لدى الأطفال من عمر سنتين وما فوق، ويساعد في تحديد شدة التوحد وتأثيره على الطفل. 
قائمة استبيان التوحد عند الأطفال (M-CHAT):
تستخدم للتصنيف المبكر للتوحد، وتساعد في تحديد الأطفال الذين قد يكون لديهم اضطرابات في طيف التوحد. 
جدول مراقبة تشخيص التوحد (ADOS):
يستخدم لاكتشاف وتشخيص التوحد بشكل أكثر تفصيلاً، ويعتبر أداة أكثر شمولية في التشخيص. 
الاختبارات السلوكية:
تشمل مراقبة سلوك الطفل وتفاعلاته الاجتماعية، وتقييم مهاراته اللغوية وغير اللغوية، وتحديد مدى استجابته العاطفية في مواقف مختلفة. 
الاختبارات الجينية:
يمكن أن تستخدم لتحديد وجود اضطرابات جينية قد تسبب أو تساهم في التوحد، مثل متلازمة ريت ومتلازمة X الهش. 
ملحوظة: من المهم أن يتم التشخيص بواسطة فريق من الخبراء، بما في ذلك الأطباء النفسيون، وأخصائيي العلاج، وأخصائيي التوحد، وذلك لضمان دقة التشخيص وتقديم العلاج المناسب.",Diagnosis,Diagnosis
"وش أشهر الأدوات اللي يستخدمونها اليوم لفحص التوحد؟
","أكثر الأدوات شيوعًا:
مقياس كارز للتوحد (CARS):
يستخدم لقياس وتشخيص التوحد لدى الأطفال من عمر سنتين وما فوق، ويساعد في تحديد شدة التوحد وتأثيره على الطفل. 
قائمة استبيان التوحد عند الأطفال (M-CHAT):
تستخدم للتصنيف المبكر للتوحد، وتساعد في تحديد الأطفال الذين قد يكون لديهم اضطرابات في طيف التوحد. 
جدول مراقبة تشخيص التوحد (ADOS):
يستخدم لاكتشاف وتشخيص التوحد بشكل أكثر تفصيلاً، ويعتبر أداة أكثر شمولية في التشخيص. 
الاختبارات السلوكية:
تشمل مراقبة سلوك الطفل وتفاعلاته الاجتماعية، وتقييم مهاراته اللغوية وغير اللغوية، وتحديد مدى استجابته العاطفية في مواقف مختلفة. 
الاختبارات الجينية:
يمكن أن تستخدم لتحديد وجود اضطرابات جينية قد تسبب أو تساهم في التوحد، مثل متلازمة ريت ومتلازمة X الهش. 
ملحوظة: من المهم أن يتم التشخيص بواسطة فريق من الخبراء، بما في ذلك الأطباء النفسيون، وأخصائيي العلاج، وأخصائيي التوحد، وذلك لضمان دقة التشخيص وتقديم العلاج المناسب.",Diagnosis,Diagnosis
كيف أتأكد أن طفلي مصاب بالتوحد؟,"السمات الأساسية للتوحد هي الصعوبات في التفاعل الاجتماعي والتواصل، ووجود سلوكيات متكررة، ويرتبط عادة بتأخر النطق.
",Diagnosis,Diagnosis
هل هناك فرق بين التوحّد واضطراب طيف التوحّد؟,"التوحّد (AU) واضطراب طيف التوحّد (ASD) هما مصطلحان يردان غالباً في سياق واحد رغم وجود فرق بينهما من وجهة النظر الطبّية.

في الأصل، يُوصف التوحّد بأنّه اضطراب نموّ محدّد يتميّز بالضعف في التفاعل الاجتماعي وصعوبات التواصل وأنماط السلوك المقيَدة والمتكرّرة. مع مزيد من البحث والفهم، تم تقديم مصطلح اضطراب طيف التوحّد ليعكس مجموعة واسعة من الأعراض ومستويات الشدّة التي لوحظت لدى الأفراد المصابين بالتوحّد. ويطرح “الطيف” أن مرض التوحّد يظهر بشكل مختلف لدى كل فرد، مع درجات متفاوتة من الضعف في التواصل الاجتماعي والتفاعل والسلوك.",Diagnosis,Definition
متى ينبغي أن أشكّ في إصابة طفلي باضطّراب طيف التوحّد؟,قد تختلف علامات مرض التوحّد وأعراضه، ولكنّها تظهر عادة في مرحلة الطفولة المبكّرة. تشمل بعض العلامات الشائعة صعوبات في التفاعل الاجتماعي (مثل التواصل البصري، وفهم الإشارات السارية اجتماعياً)، والحركات السلوكية المتكرّرة (مثل التأرجح في المكان ورفرفة اليدين)، وتحدّيات التواصل شفهياً أو بغير الكلمات. قد يكون لدى بعض الأطفال المصابين بالتوحّد حساسيات متعلّقة بالحواس، مثل الحساسية تجاه الضجيج العالي أو بعض العناصر التي لها قوام معيّن.,Symptoms,Early Signs
 ما الذي يُسبّب التوحّد؟,"لا يزال إلى يومنا هذا السبب الدقيق لمرض التوحّد مجهولاً. ومع ذلك يعتقد الباحثون أنّ مجموعة من العوامل الوراثية والبيئية قد تلعب دوراً
",Research,Causes
كيف يُشخَّص مرض التوحّد؟,"يُشخَّص مرض التوحّد من خلال تقييم شامل يجريه فريق من المتخصّصين، ويتضمّن ذلك أطباء نفسيين وأطباء الأطفال ومعالجي النطق. عادة ما يشمل التقييم مراقبة سلوك الطفل ونموّه، بالإضافة إلى تقييم مهارات التواصل والمهارات الاجتماعية لديه.

",Diagnosis,Diagnosis
هل يُمكن علاج مرض التوحّد أو الشفاء منه؟,لا يُمكن الشفاء من مرض التوحّد، ولكن التدخّل المبكّر والدعم المناسب يُمكن أن يُحسّنا بشكل كبير نوعية حياة الأشخاص المصابين بالتوحّد. غالباً ما تشتمل أساليب المعالجة على العلاج السلوكي وعلاج النطق واللغة والعلاج المهني وبروتوكولات تدخّل تعليمية مصمّمة وفق الاحتياجات الفردية. يُعدّ التركيز على توفير الأدوات والمرافق اللازمة لمساعدة الأفراد المصابين بالتوحّد على النجاح في غاية الأهمية.,Treatment,Treatment
هل هناك أسباب قابلة لعلاج التوحّد أو الأعراض المشابهة للتوحّد؟,"على الرغم من عدم وجود علاج معروف لمرض التوحّد، إلا أنّ هناك حالات وعوامل طبّية معيّنة يُمكن أن تُساهم في ظهور أعراض تُشبه أعراض التوحّد، ومعالجة هذه المشكلات الأساسية قد تؤدّي إلى تحسين الحالة العامة للفرد. تتضمّن بعض الأمثلة على الأسباب القابلة للعلاج:

عدم التوازن الأيضي (الاستقلابي): في بعض الحالات، يُمكن أن تُساهم مستويات الأيض المتفاوتة – مثل التشوهات في استقلاب الأحماض الأمينية أو وظيفة الميتوكوندريا – في ظهور أعراض تُشبه أعراض التوحّد. يُمكن أن تُساعد التدخّلات الطبّية المناسبة والتعديلات الغذائية في إدارة هذه الاختلالات.

العوامل البيئية: التعرّض لبعض السموم أو الالتهابات أثناء الحمل أو مضاعفات ما قبل الولادة يُمكن أن يزيد من خطر الإصابة بالتوحّد. إنّ الحرص على تقليل التعرّض للمواد الضارّة وتعزيز بيئة صحية قبل الولادة قد يؤدي إلى تقليل خطر الإصابة بالتوحّد.

إصابات الدماغ الرضحية: قد تُظهر متلازمة ما بعد الارتجاج ومتلازمات ما بعد الارتجاج الطويلة مع مجموعة من التشوّهات السلوكية العصبية، والتي قد تشمل أعراضاً تُشبه أعراض التوحّد.

اعتلالات الدماغ: وتشمل التهاب الدماغ بنقص التأكسج، والتمثيل الغذائي، والتهاب الدماغ المناعي الذاتي، والتي قد تظهر مع مجموعة واسعة من أعراض تشمل الأعراض الشبيهة بالتوحّد

ينبغي أن نلاحظ أنّ العديد من الأفراد المصابين بالتوحّد ليس لديهم حالة طبّية محدّدة يُمكن لعلاجها الوصول إلى “الشفاء” من مرض التوحّد. ومع ذلك، فإنّ تحديد ومعالجة أي أسباب قابلة للعلاج يمكن أن يكون له تأثير إيجابي على صحّة الفرد وعافيته بشكل عام.",Treatment,Treatment
 كيف يتم إجراء الفحص التشخيصي لأسباب التوحّد القابلة للعلاج؟,"السؤال 7: كيف يتم إجراء الفحص التشخيصي لأسباب التوحّد القابلة للعلاج؟

عندما يشتبه أخصائي الرعاية الصحية في أن هناك سبباً يُمكن علاجه قد يُساهم في ظهور أعراض التوحّد، فقد يُوصي بإجراء تشخيص شامل. تتضمّن هذه العملية الخطوات التالية:

التاريخ الطبّي والفحص البدني: حيث تقوم جهة الرعاية الصحية بمراجعة التاريخ الطبّي للفرد، بما فيها أي شكوك قد تتعلّق بالنموّ أو السلوك، كما تجري أيضاً فحصاً بدنياً شاملاً.
الفحوصات الجينية: قد يُوصى بإجراء الاختبارات الجينية لتحديد أي حالات وراثية محدّدة مرتبطة بالتوحّد. يُمكن أن يشمل ذلك تحليل عيّنة دم للبحث عن تشوّهات في جينات أو كروموسومات معيّنة.
فحص التمثيل الغذائي: والذي يتضمّن تقييم وظيفة التمثيل الغذائي للفرد لتحديد أي خلل أو تشوّهات. يُمكن أن يشمل ذلك فحوصات الدم أو البول لقياس مستويات مواد معينة أو إنزيمات مرتبطة بعملية التمثيل الغذائي.
دراسات التصوير: في بعض الحالات، يمكن إجراء دراسات التصوير مثل التصوير بالرنين المغناطيسي أو التصوير المقطعي بانبعاث الفوتون الواحد (SPECT) لتقييم بنية الدماغ و وظائفه على التوالي. يمكن أن تُساعد عمليات الفحص هذه في تحديد السبب الكامن وراء مرض التوحّد أو الصور المشابهة للتوحّد.
تقييمات إضافية: اعتماداً على الأعراض المحددة للفرد والأسباب المشتبه بها، قد يُوصى بإجراء تقييمات إضافية أو مشاورات مع المتخصّصين. يُمكن أن يشمل ذلك التقييمات التي يُجريها أطبّاء الأعصاب أو أطبّاء الجهاز الهضمي أو غيرهم من المتخصّصين في الرعاية الصحية.",Diagnosis,Diagnosis
هل هذا البروتوكول التشخيصي مناسب، أو قابل للتطبيق على كل طفل مصاب بالتوحّد؟,لا، فالعمل التشخيصي لأسباب التوحّد القابلة للعلاج لا ينطبق على كل فرد مصاب بالتوحّد. هناك العديد من حالات التوحّد ليس لها سبب طبّي محدّد يُمكن علاجه. يتم إجراء العمل التشخيصي كأولوية عندما تكون هناك مؤشّرات أو شكوك معينة بناءً على أعراض الفرد أو تاريخه الطبي أو عوامل أخرى. ولذلك، فإنّه من الأفضل دائماً استشارة أخصائي الرعاية الصحية لإجراء تقييم وإرشادات فردية.,Diagnosis,Diagnosis
كيف يمكنني دعم شخص مصاب بالتوحّد؟,"يبدأ دعم الأفراد المصابين بالتوحّد بالفهم والقبول. هذه بعض الطرق التي يُمكنك من خلالها تقديم الدعم:

تثقيف نفسك حول مرض التوحّد: تعرّف على الخصائص والتحدّيات المرتبطة بالتوحّد لتُصبح لديك دراية أفضل بالتوحّد.
كن صبوراً ومتفهّماً: قد تختلف مستويات التواصل والتفاعل الاجتماعي مع الأفراد المصابين بالتوحّد. امنحهم الوقت لمعالجة المعلومات والتعبير عن أنفسهم.
تجنّب الإفراط في تقديم المؤشرات الحسية: انتبه للحساسيات الناجمة عن استثارة الحواس واحرص على تهيئة بيئة هادئة وداعمة.
طبّق الشمولية والاحتضان: تشجيع البيئات الشاملة لكي يشعر الأفراد المصابون بالتوحّد بالقبول والتقدير لما هم عليه.
الدفاع عن الموارد والخدمات: دعم المبادرات التي تُعزّز الخدمات والموارد التي يُمكن الوصول إليها للأفراد المصابين بالتوحّد.",Support,Support and Advice
هل يُمكن للأفراد المصابين بالتوحّد أن يعيشوا حياة مستقلّة؟,"نعم، يمكن للعديد من الأفراد المصابين بالتوحّد أن يعيشوا حياة مستقلة ومرضية مع الدعم المناسب. ويختلف مستوى الاستقلالية تبعاً لنقاط قوّة الفرد والتحدّيات التي يُواجهها. قد يحتاج بعض الأفراد المصابين بالتوحّد إلى دعم مستمر طوال حياتهم، بينما قد يكتسب آخرون المهارات اللازمة للعيش بشكل مستقلّ. إنه من بالغ الأهمية توفير الدعم المناسب والفرص لتنمية المهارات.

 ",Support,Independent Living
Comment savoir si mon enfant est autiste ?,"Les principales caractéristiques de l’autisme sont des difficultés d’interaction sociale et de communication, des comportements répétitifs et il est souvent associé à un retard de parole.",Diagnosis,Seeking Diagnosis
Comment savoir si mon enfant est autiste ?,"Les principales caractéristiques de l’autisme sont des difficultés d’interaction sociale et de communication, des comportements répétitifs et il est souvent associé à un retard de parole.",Diagnosis,Diagnosis
Existe-t-il une différence entre l’autisme et les troubles du spectre autistique ?,"L'autisme (AU) et les troubles du spectre autistique (TSA) sont deux termes souvent utilisés de manière interchangeable, bien qu'ils diffèrent d'un point de vue médical.

À l'origine, l'autisme était décrit comme un trouble spécifique du développement caractérisé par des troubles des interactions sociales, des difficultés de communication et des comportements restreints et répétitifs. Grâce à des recherches et des connaissances plus approfondies, le terme « trouble du spectre autistique » (TSA) a été introduit pour refléter la grande diversité des symptômes et des niveaux de gravité observés chez les personnes autistes. Le terme « spectre » suggère que l'autisme se manifeste différemment selon les individus, avec des degrés variables de troubles de la communication sociale, des interactions et du comportement.",Diagnosis,Definition
Comment puis-je soutenir une personne autiste ?,"Soutenir les personnes autistes commence par la compréhension et l'acceptation. Voici quelques façons d'offrir votre soutien :

Renseignez-vous sur l'autisme : renseignez-vous sur les caractéristiques et les défis associés à l'autisme pour mieux comprendre la maladie.

Soyez patient et compréhensif : les personnes autistes peuvent avoir des niveaux variables de communication et d'interaction sociale. Laissez-leur le temps de traiter l'information et de s'exprimer.
Évitez de surcharger les signaux sensoriels : soyez attentif aux sensibilités sensorielles et créez un environnement calme et bienveillant.
Pratiquez l'inclusion et l'accueil : encouragez les environnements inclusifs afin que les personnes autistes se sentent acceptées et valorisées pour ce qu'elles sont.
Promouvez les ressources et les services : soutenez les initiatives qui favorisent l'accessibilité des services et des ressources pour les personnes autistes.",Support,Seeking Advice
我该如何支持自闭症患者？,"支持自闭症人士始于理解和接纳。您可以通过以下方式提供支持：

了解自闭症：了解自闭症的特征和相关挑战，以便更好地理解这种疾病。

保持耐心和理解：自闭症人士的沟通和社交互动水平可能各不相同。请给予他们时间处理信息和表达自我。
避免感官超负荷：关注他们的感官敏感性，营造一个平静、充满关爱的环境。
践行包容和欢迎：鼓励营造包容的环境，让自闭症人士感受到被接纳和重视。
推广资源和服务：支持那些为自闭症人士提供无障碍服务和资源的倡议。",Support,Seeking Advice
如何诊断自闭症？,自闭症的诊断需要由心理学家、儿科医生和语言治疗师等专家团队进行全面评估。评估通常包括监测儿童的行为和发育，以及评估他们的沟通和社交能力。,Diagnosis,Diagnosis
我怎么知道我的孩子是否患有自闭症？,自闭症的主要特征是社交互动和沟通困难、重复行为，并且常常伴有语言发育迟缓。,Diagnosis,Diagnosis
自闭症的病因是什么？,自闭症的确切病因至今仍不清楚。然而，研究人员认为，遗传和环境因素的共同作用可能起了作用。,Research,Causes
"A 12-year-old boy is brought by his parents to the general practitioner surgery. His mother is concerned that in year 7 at secondary school he has no friends. He spends most of his time in the library or walking around the playground. He has never had many friends although there was one other boy in year 6 who came to his house sometimes to play on the computer. They took it in turns, but his mother recalls that they rarely spoke to each other and when they did it was to discuss the details of the game. Sometimes her son would leave his friend playing on his own and go and do something in another room. He is not very good at responding when others in the family are hurt. He will stop and watch or carry on what he is doing. His mother gave the example of her banging her head on a sharp corner on his ninth birthday. She was tearful and he asked her without much emotion why her ‘eyes were wet’. She describes that he has been doing reasonably well with his school work, and is in top set for sciences and mathematics, although in mathematics the teacher has fed back that he is resistant to doing things the way the teacher wants, preferring to do things his own way. He is very interested in electric fans and has a collection of at least 20. He is also very knowledgeable about aeroplanes and can talk at length and in detail about various makes across history. His teacher says that he sometimes takes things literally. Once when the teacher said: ‘take your seats’ he picked his seat up and asked where he should take it to. He will tell other children if what they are doing is against the rules, and is unpopular as a result. He has always struggled greatly with role play activities. When he comes in from school he goes round the house checking that certain objects are in the ‘right’ place and this takes about 15 minutes. He has no history of delay in his motor or language acquisition milestones.  
 What is the likely diagnosis?","The most likely diagnosis is Asperger syndrome. This is on the autism spectrum of conditions, and involves social reciprocity problems, delay in imagination skills, and repetitive or stereotyped interests and behaviours. It is different from autism in that there is no delay in language acquisition and no cognitive delay (IQ below 70). While his language acquisition was normal he does have problems with the pragmatics of language and is likely to take things literally and have problems with abstract thinking. He is also likely to have conversational reciprocity problems. He has some ‘mindblindness’ where he is poor at understanding other people’s emotions, for example, when his mother was hurt. He clearly has a very limited understanding of friendship, and has peer relationship problems. He also has eye contact problems. He has some unusual preoccupations including fans and an intense preoccupation with aeroplanes. While preoccupations in themselves are not necessarily diagnostic they are often present. Differential diagnosis includes depression, generalized anxiety, separation anxiety or social anxiety disorder of childhood. Asperger syndrome is lifelong, whereas anxiety and depression have an onset that may be related to life events such as family breakdown, bereavement, trauma, stress or significant change. Social anxiety is not usually accompanied by delay in imaginative development or the presence of repetitive and stereotyped patterns of behaviour. Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) should be considered but would not normally have the range of other problems such as social reciprocity difficulties and imagination delay. Also, preoccupations or intense interests in Asperger syndrome are usually enjoyed, and therefore different from the resisted obsessions and compulsions of OCD. Extreme shyness in an otherwise healthy child should be considered but would not usually involve the significant theory of mind delays (mindblindness). Some children have socio-emotional delay that can mimic Asperger syndrome because of early life social or communicative deprivation. Examples of this would be deaf children born into hearing families where early life communication is poor, or children in orphanages in developing countries who have little interaction with others. Emotionally abused or neglected children can also have poor empathy and odd social behaviour depending on what they have experienced.",Diagnosis,Seeking Diagnosis
"A 17-year-old girl is admitted to casualty having fainted during a games lesson at school. She is embarrassed by the fuss she has caused and insists she is okay. She skipped breakfast and says she is now fine and would like to be discharged. She denies any problems with her health. She reluctantly admits that her periods are less regular than they had been. She had menarche at the age of 13 but over the last six months has only had two periods. She is not sexually active. She is doing extremely well at school in her AS subjects having achieved 10 A stars at GCSE six months ago. Her parents recently separated but she feels they have minimized the impact to her and her younger two siblings
What is the differential diagnosis?","The most likely diagnosis is anorexia nervosa. Differential diagnosis includes organic conditions (unlikely but needs exclusion) and depression. Phobia of foodstuffs (for example, solid food) and obsessive-compulsive disorder could also be considered. For anorexia to be diagnosed there must be weight loss (or in children, a lack of weight gain). The limitation of the body mass index (BMI) is that it may overestimate body fat in those with muscular build and may underestimate body fat in those who have lost muscle fat. It is also less reliable in younger teenagers. The weight loss is self-induced often by avoiding eating but especially avoiding fattening foods. Associated with poor food intake, there may be obsessive behaviour around preparation of food for others. There may also be associated vomiting and laxative abuse to ensure that no weight is gained. Vomiting may lead to hypokalaemia which can be dangerous particularly if it changes rapidly. Excessive exercise may also be present. Amenorrhoea may be present in those that have started their periods, as the body seeks to conserve resources. A key feature is that those with the disorder have distorted cognition that they are too fat with real fear of gaining weight and becoming fat. This is despite the evidence that they are underweight and often dangerously so. The belief that they are too fat often has a delusional quality but there are no other features of psychosis. However, prolonged starvation itself has an impact on cognitive functioning. Once weight loss is in progress, immunological and hormonal factors may play a role in a malignant spiral down and maintenance of anorexia nervosa. The mortality for anorexia is high at around 5% (and 0.5% per year). Anorexia occurs significantly more in females (around 100 females to 1 male) and is more common in Western cultures, but can occur in all cultures. It is tending to occur in younger and younger children. The aetiology is multifactorial and it is thought that media representations of women play a major role in the disorder. Prognosis is worse for onset before 11 years of age and in adulthood. Around 50% of individuals with anorexia will recover but others will continue to have problems.",Other,Medical Question
"A 10-year-old boy comes to the general practice surgery with his mother. His school have indicated that he has become increasingly disruptive in class. He has two older brothers, both of whom do well at school and have gentle and calm temperaments. Her husband left her over a year ago. The separation was amicable and despite regular contact with his father, she is worried that the boy is having some sort of delayed response to this. The school’s reports have remarked that although he was always quite an excitable and overactive child, he has been worse over the last two years. He has difficulty sitting still, runs round the classroom, finds it difficult to concentrate and is often in trouble for shouting out. He shouts bizarre things like ‘warthog’ and ‘blue badger did it’, often using a different voice to his own. To a lesser degree it has been occurring on and off for years but currently it is particularly problematic. The words he uses change over time. He may shout ‘warthog’ in repeated outbursts over several days and then use a different phrase such as ‘Julie’s knickers’ for several days. Sometimes the phrases are rude and upsetting to other children and staff. He has shouted out names such as ‘stupid donkey’ and ‘big fat witch face’ but never serious swear words. Staff noticed that he used to rapidly nod and jerk his head, pat his lips or make kissing noises when he was engaged in work. More recently his fidgeting involves him tapping his foot, kicking his leg out and reaching to grab the air. He has a very pronounced repeated blink involving much of his face. For short periods he can control himself on request. The teachers have noticed that he finds this difficult and is usually more disruptive afterwards with episodes of explosive shouting and lots of rapid movements. His mother says that his behaviour at home is similar but that until the school spoke with her she regarded it as ‘just him’. She noted that it seemed to wax and wane according to his mood or stressors. He previously had lots of friends but over the past year he has not been invited to friends’ houses so frequently.
• What is your differential diagnosis? • What is the prognosis for this child’s problems?","

**Differential Diagnosis:**  
1. **Tourette Syndrome (TS):**  
   - Presence of both motor (repeated blinking, head jerking, foot tapping, leg kicking, air-grabbing) and vocal tics (""warthog,"" ""blue badger did it,"" socially inappropriate phrases) with fluctuating types and frequency over more than a year.  
   - Tics are suppressible for short periods, followed by a rebound increase, consistent with TS.  
   - Complex vocalizations (phrases, altered voices) and waxing/waning course support this diagnosis.  

2. **Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD):**  
   - Longstanding hyperactivity, inattention, and impulsivity (difficulty sitting still, disruptive behavior, shouting out in class).  
   - ADHD commonly co-occurs with TS (up to 60% of children with TS have ADHD), contributing to functional impairment.  

3. **Chronic Tic Disorder (unlikely):**  
   - Excluded due to the presence of both motor and vocal tics, which meet criteria for TS.  

4. **PANDAS/PANS (unlikely):**  
   - No history of acute onset, streptococcal infection, or associated autoimmune symptoms.  

5. **Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) (unlikely):**  
   - No reported deficits in social communication or restricted interests; social isolation appears secondary to behavioral issues.  

**Prognosis:**  
- **Tourette Syndrome:**  
  - Typically peaks in severity around ages 10–13, with improvement in late adolescence in ~50% of cases.  
  - Tics may persist into adulthood but often become less disabling.  
  - Comorbid ADHD may worsen social and academic outcomes if untreated.  

- **ADHD:**  
  - Chronic course without intervention. Medications (e.g., stimulants) and behavioral therapies improve symptoms but require careful titration due to potential tic exacerbation.  

- **Social and Emotional Impact:**  
  - Risk of low self-esteem, bullying, and isolation due to disruptive behavior and inappropriate vocalizations.  
  - Early multidisciplinary intervention (neurology, psychiatry, school-based support) is critical to optimize outcomes.  

**Recommendations:**  
- Confirm diagnosis with a pediatric neurologist or psychiatrist.  
- Initiate behavioral therapies (e.g., CBIT for tics, parent/teacher training for ADHD).  
- Consider pharmacotherapy (e.g., alpha-agonists for tics/ADHD, stimulants with caution).  
- School accommodations (e.g., IEP or 504 plan) to address academic and behavioral needs.  
- Monitor for anxiety, depression, or social withdrawal.  

**Answer:**  
**Differential Diagnosis:** Tourette Syndrome (primary), comorbid ADHD. Prognosis is cautiously favorable with early intervention, as tics often improve in adolescence, though social and academic challenges may persist without support. Multimodal therapy is essential to address both tic severity and ADHD symptoms.",Diagnosis,Medical Question
"My son is autistic and is about to turn 6. He is verbal, but has significant delays.

We live in an old Victorian home with 3 stories.  We bought it a few years ago and are renovating it.

My son told my wife that he is visited at night by someone or something called the ""Good Knight.""

My son says that the Good Knight lives in the attic and comes out at night.  He says that he has spoken with the Good Knight.

I asked him: ""What does the Good Knight look like?"" To which he responded: ""It has the skull of a human"" (""It!!??"").

My son insists that the Good Knight is friendly.

I do not believe in ghosts, etc. but I have to admit that this is creepy.  Anyone else experience anything like this?


","My daughter’s 8 and non-verbal, she doesn’t really babble but sometimes she’ll make some sounds which you could go ‘well, she’s giving it a go.’

My wife died last year, our daughter was 7 at the time, the first three weeks or so she just screamed a lot. I completely understand, I wanted to do the same. And then one evening, my daughter just started babbling happily in my bed as if she was having a conversation with someone. My wife died in our bed, I don’t believe in ghosts or anything, but my head was completely overwhelmed with grief (still is) so part of me was like ‘Woah, this is too much for me to unpack for one evening’

I don’t think it was anything out of the ordinary. I think it was just my daughter babbling in my bed, nothing else. But at the time I did go ‘Oh god, what’s going on now? I don’t have time to unpack all of this.’ My daughter sleeps on my wife’s side of the bed now, she’s happiest there, I don’t mind., Yesterday! My mostly verbal 9 year old mentioned that our recently deceased dog was visiting. According to him she’s happy. For an added layer of creepy about 5 minutes before that I smelled wet dog 🙀, My nephew  just turned 8- he is verbal but only conversational on his terms.  My dad, who he was super close to, died 1.5 years ago.  My nephew will be playing in the living at my parents house and randomly look up and say ""oh hi Papa"" or he will wake up in the middle of the night to talk to Papa.  It actually makes us happy that maybe he is getting visits. , My ASD kiddo does the same thing. She insists that there are friendly ghosts in the house. She goes further and points to them when we are in the basement, saying ""The ghost is there. See???"" I do not see anything., My wife's mom passed in 2010, and my son ( 6 ) said that she gave him candy and wanted to know how she died., When I was a little kid I was always “talking to the Indians” in my bedroom. It really freaked my parents out. When I got older we ended up finding out that I have an indigenous ancestor on my mom’s side and my great uncle even has old pictures of her., Even neurotypical kids do stuff like this. My daughter told me there was a ghost scorpion in our house 🤷🏻‍♀️
Unless you check your attic and find someone living in there, he will probably just grow out of it., Check for lead dust in your house, also check your kids lead levels. Old houses have lead and you release that when you renovate them., My kid used to draw the “group of sad ghosts that follow you” when he was only 3-4. Looked like hellraiser- caged metal over the mouths, sewn up eyes, all floating heads. He told me they followed me around. 

 I have PTSD, major depression, anxiety, significant history of abuse and SA. He was right, he was making a visual of how he must have seen those parts of me. Children are so amazing and open and honest. I’m happy op has a good one :) (the imaginary friend) as a child, mine was scary looking but friendly too., My five year old son is nonverbal but babbles. We went to New York this time last year and had a bit of an odd experience at the 9/11 memorial. He really loves water and he loves trees too, so it's no surprise that he liked the memorial a lot.  Of course he doesn't understand anything at all about the significance of the place. After we spent some time looking into the pools we walked around the perimeter and he went up to each sapling in turn and touched the trunks. He was really happy and kept touching the trees and babbling. Then at one of them he got really excited and he took my hand and put it on the tree too. He has never done this before or since. It was the only time he's ever got me to touch a tree. And he has never tried to get me to touch something that he's interested in anywhere else. I'm sure there's a rational explanation for it and I just have no idea what was going through his mind at the time. But it felt very freaky and it did really feel like he was just operating on a completely different plane to me., As someone who very much believes that there is *something* other than us here. I have lived in a house with a good ghost. I reached out to find others. I found a small number of normal people and heard some amazing stories.  

I'd choose a name,  Sir Knight seems to do well here.  Talk to him.  

Three outcomes: 1. He doesn't exist but your kid feels validated, he feels watched over and believes there is someone on his side.  You have a great story to carry into your years.  

2. It IS a good ghost.  He'll wake you up if your kid is in peril. Your kid is watched over and if strong enough, will intervene with harmful things.  

3. He's bad pretending to be good.  In what I've experienced and heard there are PLENTY (a plethora, if you will) of small signs that you will get and shouldn't ignore. He'll talk your kid into doing bad things,  it'll start small to gain trust. He'll knock things over or move objects in order to scare you.  Good hosts will not do this.  

I'd like to say that I don't buy into the hysterics or extremism. Those quacks who go ""full emersion"" are compete idiots. If you feel stumped or have any questions, you are welcome to message me. I'll give you a run down of sane and rational things you can do that won't cause problems with your kid's mental health., My little one has been visited by both of my sisters who’ve passed. One I managed to catch on video…my older sis loved to play piano and we have a family piano in the living room. One day kiddo was nicely playing on it (instead of the loud banging on it she usually did), and saying something I couldn’t quite understand. Maneeeena maneeena. So I repeated it back to her, Maneena? and she paused for a sec like she was trying to listen to something and then clarified, saying my sister’s name…Melina. I asked “Melina?” Kind of shocked, and she nodded her head yes and pointed at the piano, saying “Melina, Melina!” Before going back to playing the piano again. None of us had told her that it was Melina’s piano. It still gives me chills to think about., My daughter saw spider-like giant crawling things on walls when she got overwhelmed. It happened at home and at school.  Her doctors and therapists considered them to be hallucinations stemming from anxiety., Until about 5, kid used to claim that they used to live in the dirt with dirt people. They also insisted that they died and started this life when they went into an outhouse with a big brown urinal and someone came inside and killed them from the back., I’ve watched enough Mike Flanagan mini series that I’d be moving to a different country., There’s a Berenstein Bear’s book about a spooky night who comes alive to scare everyone, but it’s just a bunch of squirrels in an old suit. Maybe your son would like it? Haha

[Link to buy “A Knight To Remember”](https://www.etsy.com/listing/1296079110/the-berenstain-bears-knight-to-remember), Good lord, that's creepy!

Thankfully, my 2 year old boy just talks/sings to himself in the morning when he's awake before us.  
There *was* a time when he used to talk to someone, sometimes at night.  My nonna used to say it was my nonno he was talking to, because he points at photos of him and says ""Nono!"", despite never meeting him/us saying who he was.

Semi-related, but the scariest movie I've seen to date was called ""Come Play"", which coincidentally enough, deals with a non-verbal child and a creature from another realm communicating with him through his tablet, etc.

Might be a little bit too close to home for some here, but if you want a good scare, this is the movie!, Are you really into Halloween?  Is he?  Could he be dreaming?

Our son is ASD/ID and was born into a Halloween-celebratin' house.  He's 22 now, loves haunted atttractions, horror movies, Halloween (obviously)--but has never mentioned anythng about ghosts.  He's not that imaginative.  But if he were, odds are that would be where his mind would go., I lived in one home where I had a very large living room. I had a bookshelf with a photo of my aunt on it. I would come home from work every day and the frame would be face down in the middle of the room. Nothing else disturbed... I had no roommates or pets and because it happened nearly every day while I lived there, so I assume it was a spirit.

When I was 10 my aunt died (rape/murder). A few months later my mom, dad and I went to a Christmas play. About halfway through the play I saw her on stage. She was wearing a gauzy white dress and smiling at me. I looked at my mom and she gave me a strange face. When I got home I said to her ""I saw something tonight"". She looked shocked and said to me, ""Did you see (aunts name) on the stage too?!?""., I don't believe in ghosts / spirits etc either. But to be honest this would creep me out as well, lol.

Did you check the attic?, My non verbal three year old has had a handful of interactions I think. They're not as common as before but when we'd put him down in his crib  before making it a toddler bed he would lay there some nights and giggle his head off. 

I think it was the ghost of one of our dogs. We had two dogs for 9 years before having our son. They were my husband and my first 'babies' together. Our bigger dog - a border collie mix - died when son was 11 months old. 

She was the one tall enough to lick his sticky little hands when he was playing with his food in his high chair - and he would giggle endlessly when she would do so! Id have to watch him so he wouldn't just smash food with his palms, lean over and then get her to lick him! 

He would pull himself up using her as both pull and balance. She would look at me like 'why' but never would move when he went for it again. Shed lay there and let him booty scoot around her & touch her fur and paws.  She was so patient and sweet with him. She would have taught him how to play as he got older had she not passed. 

She died suddenly at the age of ten - a tumor had grown in her chest that was undetected finally pushed too hard on her heart.  (she had had health issues all her life with skin tumors - we adopted her from a shelter at a year old where she was covered in ticks, missing teeth & thought to be older - until proper nutrition revealed her neglect) 

It was sudden & heartbreaking losing the dog that had decided to be his best friend. Our smaller spaniel/chi mix was still kind to him but she was an older lady of 12 when he was born and she was more content to snooze in a corner than be involved. She stepped up her game a little to tolerate his presence more when bigger dog died but she wasn't his friend like our bigger dog. 

The giggle from the crib was so similar and half the time he did have his hand outside the crib so I can only imagine it was her saying hello! These days he doesn't do it as much but I'd like to think she still visits!  Now that our little dog has joined her on the other side of the rainbow bridge I wonder if both still visit. 

There's another entity in our house too. One I'm more in tune with. And I assume the kiddo has seen and maybe babbled & trilled to? Possibly visits from passed family of course but something else lives here. 

I cannot say if it was the ghost of the person who lived here before - it had been an older person (maybe died here?) but they make the ceiling crack, and there's times I've heard them in my son's closet at night. They haven't been disruptive to him as far as I can tell, but they did scare the crap out of me during the early days I'd be sitting in his room trying to get him back to sleep. 

A few times after saying I'm not happy with them making noise at 2am and they're scaring me they seemed to back off a little. But that was also 2020/2021 with the height of the pandemic so maybe they were just annoyed we went from being barely at home to home ALL THE TIME and that was a bit much for them too! Haha!, Our ABA teachers think my son can see ghosts/spirits. Luckily he’s never done it at our house!, It’s a book or a series.  My son’s class read it as a group read during Covid.   It’s harmless.  Maybe he  heard the story somewhere like on the internet?, We use to live in a mobile home for a time, when my grandson was about four, non verbal, and my daughter had finally gotten his diagnosis. He refused to go into the ""front"" bedroom. He would go as far as the door, look into the corner by the ceiling and point, then he would Nope right back out. We never felt anything, even after we, politely as possible, told it that it was dead. That did not work, so we did do the sweeping of the room, burned the sage, he ""helped"" with the sage. He was nervy about it for a while, but he would at least go IN the room after that., When I was around 3 or 4, I used to think that I would see “skeletons in the air”. I think it’s referred to as entoptic phenomena, which is the perception of your own blood vessels moving across your eye. I would make my brain “see” those images as skeletons floating in the air and used to tell my parents so. Not saying that’s what’s happening to your son, but sometimes kids brains play tricks on them and they don’t always have the best way to explain things. 

Also, on a side note, are you sure he doesn’t mean “Good night”. Why do you think it’s a “knight”?, I am so sorry to hear about this for you and your daughter. I think I would do the same for my kiddo if it helped them deal with that sort of grief., I hope you have support both physically and emotionally. It’s very hard to grieve while helping someone else grieve especially someone who can’t say how she is feeling.
My younger son was 7 when my father passed, other than his parents my father was the closest person in his life., Aww I’m so sorry to hear that!, I’m not superstitious in the slightest but that would give me immediate goosebumps. Better premise than most horror movies I’ve seen 👀, Whaaatt?!!, My mom said I talked to “angels in the backyard”. I’m not autistic but I am spiritual enough to believe her!, This is true, but it's the 'human skull for a head' that gives me pause.

Where would this kid have seen a human skull enough for it to make such an impression on his subconscious at such a young age?, Yes, we are very cautious about that and take every precaution.  We have our kids tested regularly and so far nothing., The concerning one would of course be if he's bad pretending to be good. 

How would one handle a situation like that? 

I've always thought we had a poltergeist in my folks' house (where I grew up and still live). Not malicious, but just likes to remind us he's around every so often., They likely made that determination because she only saw those things when she was anxious and overwhelmed, and because that's a common hallucination to have for folks who get anxiety hallucinations. I see bugs in the edge of my vision when my fear response gets triggered and when I'm super tired because I have a nasty phobia of bugs.

This kid isn't anxious about the presence, though, and it doesn't seem like he's an anxious kid overall., He has never seen anything scary or Halloween-related., I'm not worried about it. I don't believe in ghosts, but if my child is right, there are a few ""Casper the Friendly Ghosts"" in the house, which would be cool., I work nights, and we only have 1 vehicle. So there was about a solid week stretch where all he wanted to know was how she passed and what was she liked. 

We do have pictures of her up, but he never asked about her, and I can't remember if she ever mentioned her to him...aside from when we put flowers on her grave., Halloween? School? Books? Cartoons? It doesn't seem like a particularly odd thing for a kid that age to have seen. 

My three year old has definitely learned about the skeleton at preschool, and is obsessed with Storybots so he has seen ""The Bones in your Body"" a lot of times. He also has been trick or treating., All over, Kid would feel it, If it's good,  welcome it.  Talk to it occasionally.  Set a candle out for it.  

If it's a kid, try to get it to move on.  Kid spirits can be troublesome because they have no boundaries and can be mischievous. They usually aren't bad like the movies try to portray but they certainly do like to play.  They very much need their mom or dad or a caretaker. 

If it's an adult,  one in a while set out an extra cup of coffee for them. Set out one too many chairs on your porch. Like once a month or quarter on the full moon give them a flower.  I knew a lady who found a tiny bonus nook in the house that had been borded up with some old stuff (a bottle, a postcard and small match holder). She set up a nice old chair with a table.  She kept one of those Catholic candles (in the tall cup) and flowers. On the table with the old things she found there.  At the least it was a neat little nook., How to rid yourself of a bad ghost:  first make sure it's bad.  If he's there tooling along,  being the good guy and you start treating it poorly, that makes you the monster. You will be dealt with accordingly.  

You can easily go up and have a conversation with it.  Explain that he's dead and it's time to move on.  This actually works more than you know.  Next, clean that affected area.  Dust, then wipe with vinegar (you may find something it's attracted to (pictures, keepsakes. Wedding rings etc).  Keep an eye out for old things, false walls, unexplainable bricked up areas.  If you find something not yours go bury it. An old cemetery works fairly well.  The ground is blessed and will give your ghost familiar spirits to bring him home.  A dirt crossroads or by a river leading away from the house works fine as well. 

After that is done.  Smudge
https://tinyrituals.co/blogs/tiny-rituals/a-simple-guide-to-smudging-your-space or sprinkle Holy water whatever your faith is)

Then light a white candle (use proper candle safety protocol). 

Usually that will work.  If it gets worse,  get a spiritual leader. In my opinion, ANY will do (bad spirits absolutely HATE anyone who has had the choice to be bad but chooses to be a good person) regardless of the faith.  

Next:  I like ground up old brick mixed with salt at the entrance of all of your door and windows (outside is fine). 

By all the main energy entries (commonly used doors and windows. Big picture windows as well): Get aster flowers (earth magic) or get a wind chime made out of spoons, forks and knives (kichen witchery) (I can explain this if you are interested). Drift wood mobile (Nordic protection). A holy water font or stoup (catholicism).  Any of these are sufficient. Even one of those cool Jewish bars they nail on the door. 

Next (the hard one) : don't think about him.  Encourage your family and kids to not think about him once you get rid of him.  It can sometimes call them back. 

(Note: if you tell anyone. 90% of the time a female that is involved will come up to you in a week or two and state that their thigh was grabbed in their sleep by a dead male relative that abused them.  Im not kidding.  It always happens.  It's annoying as hell and happens 90% of the time. Comfort them then move on. Give them a little energy as possible. Or copy and paste the cleaning tricks I've posted here and send it to them. They are about to go ""full emersion"". And that is not a healthy place to be.  It's a piece of the world, but should not fully encompass yours. Life is for the living, live it as best you are able), Never?  Not even in a Walgreen's (for example)?   Not even in someone's front lawn while driving around in the car?  Not to challenge you, but never to have been exposed to any Halloween decor at his age seems next to impossible in the US.  People where I live in the Midwest even keep some of those gi-normous skeletons out at Christmas, slapping Santa hats on them and draping them with lights.  And if he knows what a skull is, he's seen one somewhere.   

I'm a big believer in  Occam's razor.   I say it's imagination and/or dreams, with one possibly feuling the other.  Hopefully that's all.  Keep an eye on it.  The Good Knight might be a symptom of childhood schizophenia., Huh?, Because it gets taught out of us, as we grow older to pretty much ignore our feelings about controversial things and pretty much all things, honestly… and to “act your age”, kids are born far more intuitive and open to their feelings, remember being little? So my point was that if the commenter was concerned this existed outside the child’s mind, and it was a malevolent and not a pleasant presence- the child himself would have likely felt that. That’s my experience, belief, and opinion., Truth. Kids can feel that., And my comment which you replied to was addressing what one would do in a scenario with a malevolent spirit. I never said the kid wouldn't feel it. But they may not pick up on it immediately since they're innocent at that age and haven't yet learned the signs of malevolence (encouraging the kid into harmful or unkind behaviors, etc.). Some spirits can be VERRRRRY convincing.",Support,Imaginary Friends
"My boy is quickly entering puberty and he's developing really bad acne on his forehead across the hairline. He has such beautiful wild hair, but I unfortunately had to shave it off because it was covering the area that needs attention. He had a pretty big one last week and I had to do what needed to be done. And he screamed, because acne is painful. He has no problem with it, but the area needs serious attention morning and night, and he's not having any of it. I tell him in the morning, hey we need to ""do your forehead"" and he runs away. I can get most of the scrubbing done at night when he showers, but he runs away from the witch hazel and acne cream. I know it's my own fault for tackling that beast last week, but it was like dime sized with a white head. I should have just left it alone. 

Any advice on earning some trust back? And if anyone has had success with certain products I'd love to hear about them. I'm using alaffia black soap (3 ingredients), Thayer's witch hazel and desert essence tea tree oil cream.","Don't pop acne pimples. If one looks infected, go see a doctor, but Don't Pop it on your own. Your fingers aren't sterilized, you could end up making it worse via infection, cause significant scarring, and it *will* cause unnecessary pain.

Topical treatments only.

Edit: Changing pillow cases daily can also help. And maybe change your announcement of the treatment Routine up to something new, so he can connect that to the New, non-painful one. And for the love of God, don't Ruin it again by popping another one., I would try giving him the washcloth and whatever cleanser and cream you buy, and let him do it himself. He’s old enough that he should be able to manage it; you can stress to him that if he does it himself, you won’t have to touch him, which he’ll probably appreciate; and most kids his age would like the independence. 


I’ve had cystic acne since I was a teen (I’m 58yo) and I can definitely agree with previous posts—Never, ever ‘pop’ whiteheads/pimples. They will definitely become infected, they will leave pock marks, and, as you found out, they are extremely painful. If the general acne care products don’t work, I’d recommend taking him to a dermatologist., Get something from a dermatologist with benzoyl peroxide and a topical antibiotic and let him apply it himself., You shouldn’t be popping anything or scrubbing the skin. That will only make it worse and potentially cause scarring which can be very hard to get rid of. You also don’t need to shave his hair as you can get a towel headband for him to use when washing his face. Use a salicylic acid cleanser and a cream with benzoyl peroxide. And if there is another big one throw an acne patch on it. Better yet see a derm!, It sounds like you prefer natural/herbal type products rather than pharmaceuticals (and I am with you on that generally), but as puberty kicks in, the conventional products with salicylic acid and benzoyl peroxide and retinols are your friend.

Differin and PanOxyl are good (or their generic equivalents), but there are also product lines like AlbaBotanica and Neutrogena that care for acne and adolescent skin., 
A soft bristled infant brush over the finger with some cleanser was a big brain move I tried with my daughter. She liked that and her spinny cleansing brush. I'm always looking for hacks she can do herself. Experiment with cleansing brushes, see what works for him. Call around for dermatologist with experience with ASD kiddos too. I agree NEVER pop them it just makes it worse. Cleanse, then cold rag for swelling. Grow his hair back out. Hair is a kids go-to for hiding zits lol. Find a scalp treatment, there are a ton out there., Get pimple patches from target, you can stick them on when he’s sleeping! They will pull all the goop out! See if you can get him on the Ulta website and pick out a few things for him self the mass cosmetics section has some fun packaging that might make it more appealing! Good molecules is one I always suggest to younger clients! There is another one all of the teens seem to really like it’s like all letters, I believe it starts with a B.  

Also lots of other young teens make skin care content for social media, maybe you could use it as a social story to create a routine? I work in cosmetics, I have no idea if any of this helps. Good luck!, I have had bad cystic acne my whole life until I started using Daniel Kern’s method and products. It is very simple. Plain cleanser, a low level benzoyl peroxide gel treatment all over the face, and plain moisturizer. That’s it. Try not to scrub or irritate the skin, and you have to be religious about using those three things. As long as I do that, my skin is smooth and clear. 

I do add an AHA at night and sunscreen during the day for aging, but they really aren’t necessary for strictly getting rid of acne. And while he sells plain cleanser and moisturizer, you can buy anything similar from drugstores. Just as long as they are very plain and don’t have anything crazy added to them. Natural products can be irritating too, so keep that in mind. For example, jojoba oil will make me break out, so I have to be careful about ingredients. 

If I had to suggest one standout product, it is his Benzoyl Peroxide gel. It is perfect. There is a drying phase at first while the skin gets used to it, but then you never have to worry about that again. 

https://danielkern.org/, Nothing needs to be done. Leave him alone, Pimple patch stickers - I use the alba botanica brand. Wear them overnight., I have heard spearmint tea is really good for cystic acne so maybe just have him drink a cup a day. I also knew a teenage boy who went off dairy and it helped a lot., Throw that stuff away, if anything it's going to make it worse. You need a face wash, a toner (or the pads) and a spot cream for the oh crap we weren't proactive now we need to treat a breakout. The ingredients that work are benzoyl peroxide or salicylic acid. Glycolic acid is also found in some and it works too. Adapalene is a newer formulation of Retin A that is available without a prescription. It's fantastic for daily use but you have to get the breakouts under control, so while using that all over, you will still need to use a benzoyl peroxide spot treatment. 

My daughter is 12 and just developed acne in late spring. She has the fungal type around the hair line (looks like tiny bumps under the skin) and also get the kind that look like they are going to turn into a white head but don't. Then occasionally she'll get a huge white head. Last week so got two and they just kept getting larger and larger. Eventually I had to get out the lancer and take care of them. That is only in case of absolute necessity and I sterilize it before, make sure to wash my hands well too then just poke it and push gently on it with a cotton ball soaked in toner. Then wash with acne wash to keep the bacteria from spreading. Absolutely no squeezing or digging, that is what causes scarring. I know this because I had terrible acne as a teen and one day walked into my dermo appointment with a huge whitehead on the bridge of my nose. My dermo was like why didn't you lance that and I told him but you said not to! He said no, I told you not to pop them with your fingers, or squeeze or pick them. Then he showed me how to carefully lance it to release the fluid and clean it up. 

Also, I read online that sulfates in soaps and shampoos can cause certain types of acne, so check his hair products and swap out anything like that. If the Adapalene doesn't keep it under control, see a dermo for a prescription. I was on oral antibiotics (tetracycline) for about five years to control mine but now I've seen you can get topical clindamycin to help with it. My daughter has a doctor's appointment coming up soon and if the Adapalene stops working, I will be begging her pediatrician for a prescription by then. Also, what I found with her was that if I used the same products, like a show and tell, she got a handle on how to use them properly. I still have to nag, but hey, she's 12 with ADHD and her meds have worn off by bedtime, so it's not unexpected., How does he do with doctors? Acne treatments and recommendations have come a long way in the last few decades. Chances are everything you think you know about acne is wrong  and most of what you find online too. If he's the type who would listen better to a doctor, get a dermatology referral. Then when you have the new routine from the doctor, promise him that you'll only do what the doctor said from now on. For my kid, that would help. He is comforted by knowing we sought out a professional opinion and will follow directions., My sister is the same age and same exact way! I have found pimple patches to be a god send! She picks them off if I don't watch her but they get the gunk out, and minimal contact! The microdart ones she gets a bit upset with since they do have to penetrate the skin, but I try to spare those for her nasty ones and the regular hydrocolloid ones for the rest(work best on the puss filled and open ones). I have also gotten her into a routine of when I wash my face i wash hers, and I have been using my acne products on her except for the tret since I dont feel safe putting it on her without doctor consult esp. at her age. But I use my BP face wash on her which is 5% and I have been putting my clindamyacin lotion on her as well as of late since she's had some real inflamed ones, but I had been putting a peach slices lotion and a Laroche posey on her. I also have started before the lotion been putting on a glycolic acid toner, the pixi glow is great! I have relinquished the fact I cannot poke and prod but I've got a good routine!As soon as she gets up, and right before bed we do teeth first and then face, nothing mid day even if patches come off. She still gets upset having to do her routine but knowing she won't be ""hurt"" in any way has helped. Idk if your boy also has body acne but in the bath my sister needs help so I scrub her up with an exfoliator and also use the BP wash on her, has helped tons with her acne since a reg body wash wasn't cutting it and then sometimes going over spots with the glycolic toner. Getting them to realize its just part of the routine is big a thing, if you are just treating when things pop up (was guilty of that, didn't want to be putting chemicals on her skin unecessarily) it can put them off it. Getting them to learn too if they can follow the routine on their own they can get a reward, if you are okay with a reward system, helps. Like my sister earns a trip to the park etc. My sister is more independent with the routine now than before, I still handle the lotion and the toner but sometimes she does the toner (I handle the lotion since its abx). I also always say what I'm using and what it does before I put it on her and where I'm putting it., Dermatology evolved since you were a kid with acne. Please do not pop the acne— there are few situations where that is desired and it is done in a specific way with sterilized tools.",Support,Personal Hygiene
"hi all, I know 10 months is too young for a true diagnosis but i wanted to point out some signs my son has that have me worried. I have been dealing with horrible PPA and now i have hyper fixated on thinking my son has autism. 
- arm flapping all the time
- body tenses up often (mainly arms and wrists)
-late gross motor skills (didn’t roll under late 9 months and just now crawling at 10.5 months)
- only will sleep next to me
- 50% responds to his name 
- did clap but hasn’t in a little 
- makes eye contact 
- when meeting new people kind of “shuts down” and just stars at them until he gets used to them
- hand stimming
- brings hands up and out to look and examine them often 
Please let me know what you think or what your signs were that you didn’t realize were. Also please tell me if you think i’m overthinking! ","These all sound very normal to me.   But, with that said. Go with your gut.  Give it a few months. Find a doctor to take you seriously.   Best of luck., These all sound very normal to me.   But, with that said. Go with your gut.  Give it a few months. Find a doctor to take you seriously.   Best of luck., These all sound very normal to me.   But, with that said. Go with your gut.  Give it a few months. Find a doctor to take you seriously.   Best of luck., These all sound very normal to me.   But, with that said. Go with your gut.  Give it a few months. Find a doctor to take you seriously.   Best of luck.",Symptoms,Early Signs
"I have a 13 month old girl. We saw our doc at 12 months and there were no concerns on her end. So our next appointment is at 18 months. 

My girl is definitely a sensory seeker (loves crashing into pillows, putting blankets on her head and running around). Just recently started to occasionally walk on her tiptoes. She does have eye contact, but doesn't look into your soul like some babies. She isn't reciprocal smiling as much as she used to. She is doing some backwards superman pose (posturing?stiming?). Has had a few pretty intense meltdowns when a toy is taken away (we are able to distract and it lasts less than 5 minutes but I mean it's pretty intense). Loves to go to library and play places and put toys in her hands at all times (almost like a security blanket). Doesn't seem to interact with kids a whole lot. Plays run and hide with older kids, younger ones will sometimes smile and look at them but then off to explore.  

She has quite a few words (10+). Does have joint attention. Pretty good receptive language. Points and looks at me sometimes when pointing, and looks to where I point. Sleeps pretty good, currently eating well. Does smile and laugh. Has some stranger anxiety with males (particularly Santa lol). Will play peek-a-boo, as well as Itsy Bitsy Spider. Knows a couple of signs. 

My question is should I book an appointment earlier with her doctor (in Canada btw). Whenever I do those tests she scores low, but I know girls can be different. Or should I just let it be, and bring up concerns at 18 months? Anyone had similar experiences with their babies/toddlers?

- An anxious struggling mom","Per the psychologist that assessed me. The earliest they can test for Autism is 18 months (I was asking on behalf of a relative not myself). ADHD can be diagnosed as early as 4. So based on that and no combination of typical signs I would say wait for the 18 month. 6 months will not make or break a child's development by a missed diagnosis.

It is also possible you could have a normal kid. I do not know. I do not know what normal is. 

That said continue to work on raising your child as you would any other kid. Work on language development like you would any other kid. 

In addition to speaking as someone with generalized anxiety. Work on your anxiety (your admittion) for yourself. The one thing I wish my Mom did was work and prioritize her own mental health. She was not diagnosed with any mental health issues until I was out of the house. That knowledge for the family would have been a game changer., I’m in the US so I don’t know how testing works in Canada. In the US, I’ve heard/seen 18 months to 2 years is the earliest many specialists will consider a diagnosis.  I think your daughter is still young and to me, at least, it sounds like a fairly typical 13 month old.  

I would just keep observing and then discuss any concerns with your pediatrician at your next visit. My son was 18 months old when our pediatrician first suggested we have him tested. Honestly when I think back to how he was at 13 months it wouldn’t have occurred to me then that anything was amiss., It is very rare for autism to be diagnosed at 13 months; most clinicians  do not diagnose until 18 months or 2 years. When the diagnosis is made that early, it is usually accompanied by severe developmental delays. So even if your daughter does grow up to be autistic, it would be impossible to diagnose now.

Nothing you described seems to be a sign of autism, and it seems your daughter has met many social milestones that are typically delayed in autism, such as joint attention and pointing.

With most developmental milestones, if you take the typical age they are achieved, there is a range of 6 months before and after that is considered normal. So you should only start to be concerned if there are 6-7 month developmental milestones that your daughter hasn’t reached., First of all, I'm sorry to hear about your anxiety. I have been there, truly. So many of us have. Please know that no matter what happens, it gets better.  


As for the doctor – at least bring it up. You might not be able to do testing until she's a little older. Unfortunately, testing is sometimes an art in addition to being a science. It's not like they can do a blood test or brain scan to definitively diagnose autism. You may have to wait and see for a while\*. It might end up being a long process with multiple tests (my kid was labeled ""not autistic"" on his first test – but as he got older it became clearer). Or your kid could be totally typical. Time will tell.  


\*There's so much talk about ""early intervention"", but even early intervention is not going to make an autistic person neurotypical. It can help with language development and motor skills and stuff like that, but you can make progress on those things well past the age of 3. At the end of the day, though, if your babe is autistic, that basic fact of life won't change. The point I'm trying to make is that you don't need to worry a lot about getting early intervention. Free yourself from that pressure.  


I wish you luck and good mental health., Sounds exactly like my daughter, how’s she doing",Diagnosis,Seeking a Diagnosis
"Hi!
I have a soon to be 15 month old (pre)toddler. I’ve always been stressed out with watching her milestones and I feel she was late on quite a few. I thought that she’s a late bloomer maybe, but I don’t know. 

I’ve went out with a neighbour and her 7 month old son and I was astonished by his eye contact and his excitement in regards to my attention, he was very smiley and happy that i was talking to him. My daughter wasn’t really like that. I think she does have eye contact but indeed she doesnt hold it long. 

She still doesnt walk, as of tomorrow we start PT. We’ve been to PT before because she wasnt crawling, she started around 10-11 month old. 

What got my attention and gave me quite some anxiety (let alone that I was actually hurt), she was over the grandma’s for the weekend and when we returned she didnt display happiness or excitement. 

When it comes to talking, she does babble, she knows that I am ‘mama’, but she doesnt say it unless we ask her. Same for ‘dada’. She’ll say lamp (only amp) because she’s interested in the lamp. She says bye bye and waves. She also points (she started pointing around 12 month old). She seems smart, she knows how to stack, she understands the knob puzzle and she points where it should go but doesn’t have the fine motor skills to actually do it yet. She puts things into holes though. 

She doesn’t really copy what we do unless we tell her to. 

Other thing that stresses me out is that she has a mouse toy that sings and moves its ears and she could play with that thing all day, while flapping her hands. The mouse stops singing and then she’ll start it again and grabs it by ears and flapps her hands. A lot. 

Lately she’s very fussy and cries when when we don’t give her what she wants.

I keep hearing that they should be affectionate during this age, but that’s not the case. And I don’t feel like she does too much to grab my attention, she’s quite content with her toys. We even had a friend over which mentioned that she’s not very clingy or affectionate as other babies, that she seems independent. That broke my heart a little. 

Whenever I told smth to my GP she put it on me somehow, like she’s the first baby and i don’t know how the things should be, and that’s why I’m paranoid.

What do you think? I hope it’s appropriate that I post this here. Thank you!","I would ask if your GP is a pediatrician and if your GP is using standardized instruments to keep track of development. These would look like packets where you fill out information 

In any case I would tell your GP that parental concern is the most sensitive finding in development delays and disorders. Also that delays in diagnosis can have irreversible consequences. Try to use those words specifically perhaps. Ask if she has screening tools that can provide reassurance or more information. Or if she can refer you to early intervention or a specialist

Worst comes to worst, go to a new provider. We all hope there is nothing to find, but early intervention  can be life changing.

You can use apps like the CDC milestone tracker and the (very in-depth) Pathfinder Health Baby Tracker, to help you gage your child’s development for yourself 

Starting at 16 months, 0 days your child will be old enough to use the most common freely available screeners for autism and not just for developmental delay, Hello.

Have you try with early intervention? Your little one have positive things that usually aren't seen in autism (like pointing on time, having some words, copying gestures *even if you need to ask her to copy you*, from. What you describe she seems to know how to play with toys correctly).

About the walking, she still have until 18 months to reach that milestone. Now, not bcs a baby may seem independent must means she is autistic, remember the spectrum is wide and maybe that's just her personality. I have a toddler of 20 months, very social, smiles a lot, good eye contact and go after strangers and kids trying to engage with them, but my little one is delayed and highly suspicious for autism (he doesn't copy gestures not even if I ask him to do it, his pointing is atypical *whole hand open*) he calls me mama and his father papa/dada, but he doesn't wave, he doesn't know how to play correctly with toys, he is very clingy and hates to be alone, he doesn't like to play alone so he looks on ways on how to engage you or anyone around him into his play... But again, he have lots of autistic traits. I just believe him being social is part of his personality and that his potential autism isn't blocking this on him, just like maybe your little one being independent can just be part of her personality, but if you are very concerned about your little one maybe you can start doing MCHAT online test and depending on the results use that to push with your pedi, Have you let your pediatrician know? It can’t hurt to put this on their radar and have them refer you to Early Intervention if they feel it is appropriate., Can you check with your parents or your partner parents to see how you were as baby?
Do not assume the worst!, I would ask if your GP is a pediatrician and if your GP is using standardized instruments to keep track of development. These would look like packets where you fill out information 

In any case I would tell your GP that parental concern is the most sensitive finding in development delays and disorders. Also that delays in diagnosis can have irreversible consequences. Try to use those words specifically perhaps. Ask if she has screening tools that can provide reassurance or more information. Or if she can refer you to early intervention or a specialist

Worst comes to worst, go to a new provider. We all hope there is nothing to find, but early intervention  can be life changing.

You can use apps like the CDC milestone tracker and the (very in-depth) Pathfinder Health Baby Tracker, to help you gage your child’s development for yourself 

Starting at 16 months, 0 days your child will be old enough to use the most common freely available screeners for autism and not just for developmental delay, Hello.

Have you try with early intervention? Your little one have positive things that usually aren't seen in autism (like pointing on time, having some words, copying gestures *even if you need to ask her to copy you*, from. What you describe she seems to know how to play with toys correctly).

About the walking, she still have until 18 months to reach that milestone. Now, not bcs a baby may seem independent must means she is autistic, remember the spectrum is wide and maybe that's just her personality. I have a toddler of 20 months, very social, smiles a lot, good eye contact and go after strangers and kids trying to engage with them, but my little one is delayed and highly suspicious for autism (he doesn't copy gestures not even if I ask him to do it, his pointing is atypical *whole hand open*) he calls me mama and his father papa/dada, but he doesn't wave, he doesn't know how to play correctly with toys, he is very clingy and hates to be alone, he doesn't like to play alone so he looks on ways on how to engage you or anyone around him into his play... But again, he have lots of autistic traits. I just believe him being social is part of his personality and that his potential autism isn't blocking this on him, just like maybe your little one being independent can just be part of her personality, but if you are very concerned about your little one maybe you can start doing MCHAT online test and depending on the results use that to push with your pedi, Have you let your pediatrician know? It can’t hurt to put this on their radar and have them refer you to Early Intervention if they feel it is appropriate., Can you check with your parents or your partner parents to see how you were as baby?
Do not assume the worst!, I would ask if your GP is a pediatrician and if your GP is using standardized instruments to keep track of development. These would look like packets where you fill out information 

In any case I would tell your GP that parental concern is the most sensitive finding in development delays and disorders. Also that delays in diagnosis can have irreversible consequences. Try to use those words specifically perhaps. Ask if she has screening tools that can provide reassurance or more information. Or if she can refer you to early intervention or a specialist

Worst comes to worst, go to a new provider. We all hope there is nothing to find, but early intervention  can be life changing.

You can use apps like the CDC milestone tracker and the (very in-depth) Pathfinder Health Baby Tracker, to help you gage your child’s development for yourself 

Starting at 16 months, 0 days your child will be old enough to use the most common freely available screeners for autism and not just for developmental delay, Hello.

Have you try with early intervention? Your little one have positive things that usually aren't seen in autism (like pointing on time, having some words, copying gestures *even if you need to ask her to copy you*, from. What you describe she seems to know how to play with toys correctly).

About the walking, she still have until 18 months to reach that milestone. Now, not bcs a baby may seem independent must means she is autistic, remember the spectrum is wide and maybe that's just her personality. I have a toddler of 20 months, very social, smiles a lot, good eye contact and go after strangers and kids trying to engage with them, but my little one is delayed and highly suspicious for autism (he doesn't copy gestures not even if I ask him to do it, his pointing is atypical *whole hand open*) he calls me mama and his father papa/dada, but he doesn't wave, he doesn't know how to play correctly with toys, he is very clingy and hates to be alone, he doesn't like to play alone so he looks on ways on how to engage you or anyone around him into his play... But again, he have lots of autistic traits. I just believe him being social is part of his personality and that his potential autism isn't blocking this on him, just like maybe your little one being independent can just be part of her personality, but if you are very concerned about your little one maybe you can start doing MCHAT online test and depending on the results use that to push with your pedi, Have you let your pediatrician know? It can’t hurt to put this on their radar and have them refer you to Early Intervention if they feel it is appropriate., Can you check with your parents or your partner parents to see how you were as baby?
Do not assume the worst!, I would ask if your GP is a pediatrician and if your GP is using standardized instruments to keep track of development. These would look like packets where you fill out information 

In any case I would tell your GP that parental concern is the most sensitive finding in development delays and disorders. Also that delays in diagnosis can have irreversible consequences. Try to use those words specifically perhaps. Ask if she has screening tools that can provide reassurance or more information. Or if she can refer you to early intervention or a specialist

Worst comes to worst, go to a new provider. We all hope there is nothing to find, but early intervention  can be life changing.

You can use apps like the CDC milestone tracker and the (very in-depth) Pathfinder Health Baby Tracker, to help you gage your child’s development for yourself 

Starting at 16 months, 0 days your child will be old enough to use the most common freely available screeners for autism and not just for developmental delay, Hello.

Have you try with early intervention? Your little one have positive things that usually aren't seen in autism (like pointing on time, having some words, copying gestures *even if you need to ask her to copy you*, from. What you describe she seems to know how to play with toys correctly).

About the walking, she still have until 18 months to reach that milestone. Now, not bcs a baby may seem independent must means she is autistic, remember the spectrum is wide and maybe that's just her personality. I have a toddler of 20 months, very social, smiles a lot, good eye contact and go after strangers and kids trying to engage with them, but my little one is delayed and highly suspicious for autism (he doesn't copy gestures not even if I ask him to do it, his pointing is atypical *whole hand open*) he calls me mama and his father papa/dada, but he doesn't wave, he doesn't know how to play correctly with toys, he is very clingy and hates to be alone, he doesn't like to play alone so he looks on ways on how to engage you or anyone around him into his play... But again, he have lots of autistic traits. I just believe him being social is part of his personality and that his potential autism isn't blocking this on him, just like maybe your little one being independent can just be part of her personality, but if you are very concerned about your little one maybe you can start doing MCHAT online test and depending on the results use that to push with your pedi, Have you let your pediatrician know? It can’t hurt to put this on their radar and have them refer you to Early Intervention if they feel it is appropriate., Can you check with your parents or your partner parents to see how you were as baby?
Do not assume the worst!, I would ask if your GP is a pediatrician and if your GP is using standardized instruments to keep track of development. These would look like packets where you fill out information 

In any case I would tell your GP that parental concern is the most sensitive finding in development delays and disorders. Also that delays in diagnosis can have irreversible consequences. Try to use those words specifically perhaps. Ask if she has screening tools that can provide reassurance or more information. Or if she can refer you to early intervention or a specialist

Worst comes to worst, go to a new provider. We all hope there is nothing to find, but early intervention  can be life changing.

You can use apps like the CDC milestone tracker and the (very in-depth) Pathfinder Health Baby Tracker, to help you gage your child’s development for yourself 

Starting at 16 months, 0 days your child will be old enough to use the most common freely available screeners for autism and not just for developmental delay, Hello.

Have you try with early intervention? Your little one have positive things that usually aren't seen in autism (like pointing on time, having some words, copying gestures *even if you need to ask her to copy you*, from. What you describe she seems to know how to play with toys correctly).

About the walking, she still have until 18 months to reach that milestone. Now, not bcs a baby may seem independent must means she is autistic, remember the spectrum is wide and maybe that's just her personality. I have a toddler of 20 months, very social, smiles a lot, good eye contact and go after strangers and kids trying to engage with them, but my little one is delayed and highly suspicious for autism (he doesn't copy gestures not even if I ask him to do it, his pointing is atypical *whole hand open*) he calls me mama and his father papa/dada, but he doesn't wave, he doesn't know how to play correctly with toys, he is very clingy and hates to be alone, he doesn't like to play alone so he looks on ways on how to engage you or anyone around him into his play... But again, he have lots of autistic traits. I just believe him being social is part of his personality and that his potential autism isn't blocking this on him, just like maybe your little one being independent can just be part of her personality, but if you are very concerned about your little one maybe you can start doing MCHAT online test and depending on the results use that to push with your pedi, Have you let your pediatrician know? It can’t hurt to put this on their radar and have them refer you to Early Intervention if they feel it is appropriate., Can you check with your parents or your partner parents to see how you were as baby?
Do not assume the worst!, I would ask if your GP is a pediatrician and if your GP is using standardized instruments to keep track of development. These would look like packets where you fill out information 

In any case I would tell your GP that parental concern is the most sensitive finding in development delays and disorders. Also that delays in diagnosis can have irreversible consequences. Try to use those words specifically perhaps. Ask if she has screening tools that can provide reassurance or more information. Or if she can refer you to early intervention or a specialist

Worst comes to worst, go to a new provider. We all hope there is nothing to find, but early intervention  can be life changing.

You can use apps like the CDC milestone tracker and the (very in-depth) Pathfinder Health Baby Tracker, to help you gage your child’s development for yourself 

Starting at 16 months, 0 days your child will be old enough to use the most common freely available screeners for autism and not just for developmental delay, Hello.

Have you try with early intervention? Your little one have positive things that usually aren't seen in autism (like pointing on time, having some words, copying gestures *even if you need to ask her to copy you*, from. What you describe she seems to know how to play with toys correctly).

About the walking, she still have until 18 months to reach that milestone. Now, not bcs a baby may seem independent must means she is autistic, remember the spectrum is wide and maybe that's just her personality. I have a toddler of 20 months, very social, smiles a lot, good eye contact and go after strangers and kids trying to engage with them, but my little one is delayed and highly suspicious for autism (he doesn't copy gestures not even if I ask him to do it, his pointing is atypical *whole hand open*) he calls me mama and his father papa/dada, but he doesn't wave, he doesn't know how to play correctly with toys, he is very clingy and hates to be alone, he doesn't like to play alone so he looks on ways on how to engage you or anyone around him into his play... But again, he have lots of autistic traits. I just believe him being social is part of his personality and that his potential autism isn't blocking this on him, just like maybe your little one being independent can just be part of her personality, but if you are very concerned about your little one maybe you can start doing MCHAT online test and depending on the results use that to push with your pedi, Have you let your pediatrician know? It can’t hurt to put this on their radar and have them refer you to Early Intervention if they feel it is appropriate., Can you check with your parents or your partner parents to see how you were as baby?
Do not assume the worst!, I would ask if your GP is a pediatrician and if your GP is using standardized instruments to keep track of development. These would look like packets where you fill out information 

In any case I would tell your GP that parental concern is the most sensitive finding in development delays and disorders. Also that delays in diagnosis can have irreversible consequences. Try to use those words specifically perhaps. Ask if she has screening tools that can provide reassurance or more information. Or if she can refer you to early intervention or a specialist

Worst comes to worst, go to a new provider. We all hope there is nothing to find, but early intervention  can be life changing.

You can use apps like the CDC milestone tracker and the (very in-depth) Pathfinder Health Baby Tracker, to help you gage your child’s development for yourself 

Starting at 16 months, 0 days your child will be old enough to use the most common freely available screeners for autism and not just for developmental delay, Hello.

Have you try with early intervention? Your little one have positive things that usually aren't seen in autism (like pointing on time, having some words, copying gestures *even if you need to ask her to copy you*, from. What you describe she seems to know how to play with toys correctly).

About the walking, she still have until 18 months to reach that milestone. Now, not bcs a baby may seem independent must means she is autistic, remember the spectrum is wide and maybe that's just her personality. I have a toddler of 20 months, very social, smiles a lot, good eye contact and go after strangers and kids trying to engage with them, but my little one is delayed and highly suspicious for autism (he doesn't copy gestures not even if I ask him to do it, his pointing is atypical *whole hand open*) he calls me mama and his father papa/dada, but he doesn't wave, he doesn't know how to play correctly with toys, he is very clingy and hates to be alone, he doesn't like to play alone so he looks on ways on how to engage you or anyone around him into his play... But again, he have lots of autistic traits. I just believe him being social is part of his personality and that his potential autism isn't blocking this on him, just like maybe your little one being independent can just be part of her personality, but if you are very concerned about your little one maybe you can start doing MCHAT online test and depending on the results use that to push with your pedi, Have you let your pediatrician know? It can’t hurt to put this on their radar and have them refer you to Early Intervention if they feel it is appropriate., Can you check with your parents or your partner parents to see how you were as baby?
Do not assume the worst!, I would ask if your GP is a pediatrician and if your GP is using standardized instruments to keep track of development. These would look like packets where you fill out information 

In any case I would tell your GP that parental concern is the most sensitive finding in development delays and disorders. Also that delays in diagnosis can have irreversible consequences. Try to use those words specifically perhaps. Ask if she has screening tools that can provide reassurance or more information. Or if she can refer you to early intervention or a specialist

Worst comes to worst, go to a new provider. We all hope there is nothing to find, but early intervention  can be life changing.

You can use apps like the CDC milestone tracker and the (very in-depth) Pathfinder Health Baby Tracker, to help you gage your child’s development for yourself 

Starting at 16 months, 0 days your child will be old enough to use the most common freely available screeners for autism and not just for developmental delay, Hello.

Have you try with early intervention? Your little one have positive things that usually aren't seen in autism (like pointing on time, having some words, copying gestures *even if you need to ask her to copy you*, from. What you describe she seems to know how to play with toys correctly).

About the walking, she still have until 18 months to reach that milestone. Now, not bcs a baby may seem independent must means she is autistic, remember the spectrum is wide and maybe that's just her personality. I have a toddler of 20 months, very social, smiles a lot, good eye contact and go after strangers and kids trying to engage with them, but my little one is delayed and highly suspicious for autism (he doesn't copy gestures not even if I ask him to do it, his pointing is atypical *whole hand open*) he calls me mama and his father papa/dada, but he doesn't wave, he doesn't know how to play correctly with toys, he is very clingy and hates to be alone, he doesn't like to play alone so he looks on ways on how to engage you or anyone around him into his play... But again, he have lots of autistic traits. I just believe him being social is part of his personality and that his potential autism isn't blocking this on him, just like maybe your little one being independent can just be part of her personality, but if you are very concerned about your little one maybe you can start doing MCHAT online test and depending on the results use that to push with your pedi, Have you let your pediatrician know? It can’t hurt to put this on their radar and have them refer you to Early Intervention if they feel it is appropriate., Can you check with your parents or your partner parents to see how you were as baby?
Do not assume the worst!, I would ask if your GP is a pediatrician and if your GP is using standardized instruments to keep track of development. These would look like packets where you fill out information 

In any case I would tell your GP that parental concern is the most sensitive finding in development delays and disorders. Also that delays in diagnosis can have irreversible consequences. Try to use those words specifically perhaps. Ask if she has screening tools that can provide reassurance or more information. Or if she can refer you to early intervention or a specialist

Worst comes to worst, go to a new provider. We all hope there is nothing to find, but early intervention  can be life changing.

You can use apps like the CDC milestone tracker and the (very in-depth) Pathfinder Health Baby Tracker, to help you gage your child’s development for yourself 

Starting at 16 months, 0 days your child will be old enough to use the most common freely available screeners for autism and not just for developmental delay, Hello.

Have you try with early intervention? Your little one have positive things that usually aren't seen in autism (like pointing on time, having some words, copying gestures *even if you need to ask her to copy you*, from. What you describe she seems to know how to play with toys correctly).

About the walking, she still have until 18 months to reach that milestone. Now, not bcs a baby may seem independent must means she is autistic, remember the spectrum is wide and maybe that's just her personality. I have a toddler of 20 months, very social, smiles a lot, good eye contact and go after strangers and kids trying to engage with them, but my little one is delayed and highly suspicious for autism (he doesn't copy gestures not even if I ask him to do it, his pointing is atypical *whole hand open*) he calls me mama and his father papa/dada, but he doesn't wave, he doesn't know how to play correctly with toys, he is very clingy and hates to be alone, he doesn't like to play alone so he looks on ways on how to engage you or anyone around him into his play... But again, he have lots of autistic traits. I just believe him being social is part of his personality and that his potential autism isn't blocking this on him, just like maybe your little one being independent can just be part of her personality, but if you are very concerned about your little one maybe you can start doing MCHAT online test and depending on the results use that to push with your pedi, Have you let your pediatrician know? It can’t hurt to put this on their radar and have them refer you to Early Intervention if they feel it is appropriate., Can you check with your parents or your partner parents to see how you were as baby?
Do not assume the worst!",Symptoms,Early Signs
"My brother was diagnosed with Level 1 ASD quite some time ago but it seems as if the older he gets, the worse he gets. He seems to be shutting down more, almost to the point of being non-verbal, super aware of his surroundings and if someone can tell he is autistic and/or judging him, getting into altercations with his classmates, severe anger issues towards my family and others, destroying things in the home, failing school…he was not like this as a child at all. If anything it was like he didn’t even have ASD and just had a few motor issues but socially he was fine. I just wonder what had caused this severe and sudden regression. My mom is a single parent and I live out of the state as I am an adult and I’m trying to figure out what her next steps would be to curb this behavior.","I don’t have any real advice, but it sounds like quite a predicament. I do know that most of the time there’s something that’s behind a behavior. I wonder if he was very high masking when he was younger and the social demands of high school burned him out. Puberty can also cause a great deal of change. 

Are you able to talk to him and see what is on his mind? Does he see a therapist?, Sounds like teenage angst basically.

Not saying its not a big deal but appears to be the root more than anything Autism specific, When my daughter hit 15 she regressed and seemingly became a different person. It turned out she was being manipulated / bullied at school by a group of shithead kids. They knew she was fairly over trusting of people and took advantage of it. Maybe he's experiencing something similar?

I don't really have much advice as my daughter didn't exactly communicate until she had a breakdown. She more or less became reclusive and moody during the period.

Will he open up to you if you try and press on how schools going?, Has anything happened at school or home?, Outside of ASD, the teenage years suck, and they could be dealing with puberty/surge of hormones that haven't been explained or hard to understand or cope with, plus the social pressures of that age group in general.

If this were my kid, I would be looking into therapy and reaching out to teachers. If the grades are slipping I would look into into alternative pathways to learning., Wow that would make a lot of sense. I can try and talk to him and see what he says. He sees a therapist once a week., Thanks so much for the advice!, At home, not particularly. Like I said my mom is a single parent and his dad is not involved so maybe that has something to do with it? But his dad has never been present so it’s nothing out of the ordinary. Regarding school, he used to be bullied heavily due to his ASD and my mom removed him from that school and put him in a school for children with special needs about 4 months ago. But his behavior changed long before this., Is he getting enough time to decompress? School, homework, socializing and family stuff can get overwhelming., How old is he? Could it be hormonal?, What would be a good thing for him to do to decompress?, He will be 16 in a few months. So maybe, That’s usually pretty personal. For some people it’s doing something they enjoy or having alone time without demands. I can only speak from my personal experience(on the spectrum probably level 1) I need time alone, without people and noise or I start to get crazy., I think that’s probably your answer. Can your mom get him to the doctor and have everything checked out?

16 year old boys can be grumpy creatures, autism or not., I don’t have any real advice, but it sounds like quite a predicament. I do know that most of the time there’s something that’s behind a behavior. I wonder if he was very high masking when he was younger and the social demands of high school burned him out. Puberty can also cause a great deal of change. 

Are you able to talk to him and see what is on his mind? Does he see a therapist?, Sounds like teenage angst basically.

Not saying its not a big deal but appears to be the root more than anything Autism specific, When my daughter hit 15 she regressed and seemingly became a different person. It turned out she was being manipulated / bullied at school by a group of shithead kids. They knew she was fairly over trusting of people and took advantage of it. Maybe he's experiencing something similar?

I don't really have much advice as my daughter didn't exactly communicate until she had a breakdown. She more or less became reclusive and moody during the period.

Will he open up to you if you try and press on how schools going?, Has anything happened at school or home?, Outside of ASD, the teenage years suck, and they could be dealing with puberty/surge of hormones that haven't been explained or hard to understand or cope with, plus the social pressures of that age group in general.

If this were my kid, I would be looking into therapy and reaching out to teachers. If the grades are slipping I would look into into alternative pathways to learning., Wow that would make a lot of sense. I can try and talk to him and see what he says. He sees a therapist once a week., Thanks so much for the advice!, At home, not particularly. Like I said my mom is a single parent and his dad is not involved so maybe that has something to do with it? But his dad has never been present so it’s nothing out of the ordinary. Regarding school, he used to be bullied heavily due to his ASD and my mom removed him from that school and put him in a school for children with special needs about 4 months ago. But his behavior changed long before this., Is he getting enough time to decompress? School, homework, socializing and family stuff can get overwhelming., How old is he? Could it be hormonal?, What would be a good thing for him to do to decompress?, He will be 16 in a few months. So maybe, That’s usually pretty personal. For some people it’s doing something they enjoy or having alone time without demands. I can only speak from my personal experience(on the spectrum probably level 1) I need time alone, without people and noise or I start to get crazy., I think that’s probably your answer. Can your mom get him to the doctor and have everything checked out?

16 year old boys can be grumpy creatures, autism or not., I don’t have any real advice, but it sounds like quite a predicament. I do know that most of the time there’s something that’s behind a behavior. I wonder if he was very high masking when he was younger and the social demands of high school burned him out. Puberty can also cause a great deal of change. 

Are you able to talk to him and see what is on his mind? Does he see a therapist?, Sounds like teenage angst basically.

Not saying its not a big deal but appears to be the root more than anything Autism specific, When my daughter hit 15 she regressed and seemingly became a different person. It turned out she was being manipulated / bullied at school by a group of shithead kids. They knew she was fairly over trusting of people and took advantage of it. Maybe he's experiencing something similar?

I don't really have much advice as my daughter didn't exactly communicate until she had a breakdown. She more or less became reclusive and moody during the period.

Will he open up to you if you try and press on how schools going?, Has anything happened at school or home?, Outside of ASD, the teenage years suck, and they could be dealing with puberty/surge of hormones that haven't been explained or hard to understand or cope with, plus the social pressures of that age group in general.

If this were my kid, I would be looking into therapy and reaching out to teachers. If the grades are slipping I would look into into alternative pathways to learning., Wow that would make a lot of sense. I can try and talk to him and see what he says. He sees a therapist once a week., Thanks so much for the advice!, At home, not particularly. Like I said my mom is a single parent and his dad is not involved so maybe that has something to do with it? But his dad has never been present so it’s nothing out of the ordinary. Regarding school, he used to be bullied heavily due to his ASD and my mom removed him from that school and put him in a school for children with special needs about 4 months ago. But his behavior changed long before this., Is he getting enough time to decompress? School, homework, socializing and family stuff can get overwhelming., How old is he? Could it be hormonal?, What would be a good thing for him to do to decompress?, He will be 16 in a few months. So maybe, That’s usually pretty personal. For some people it’s doing something they enjoy or having alone time without demands. I can only speak from my personal experience(on the spectrum probably level 1) I need time alone, without people and noise or I start to get crazy., I think that’s probably your answer. Can your mom get him to the doctor and have everything checked out?

16 year old boys can be grumpy creatures, autism or not., I don’t have any real advice, but it sounds like quite a predicament. I do know that most of the time there’s something that’s behind a behavior. I wonder if he was very high masking when he was younger and the social demands of high school burned him out. Puberty can also cause a great deal of change. 

Are you able to talk to him and see what is on his mind? Does he see a therapist?, Sounds like teenage angst basically.

Not saying its not a big deal but appears to be the root more than anything Autism specific, When my daughter hit 15 she regressed and seemingly became a different person. It turned out she was being manipulated / bullied at school by a group of shithead kids. They knew she was fairly over trusting of people and took advantage of it. Maybe he's experiencing something similar?

I don't really have much advice as my daughter didn't exactly communicate until she had a breakdown. She more or less became reclusive and moody during the period.

Will he open up to you if you try and press on how schools going?, Has anything happened at school or home?, Outside of ASD, the teenage years suck, and they could be dealing with puberty/surge of hormones that haven't been explained or hard to understand or cope with, plus the social pressures of that age group in general.

If this were my kid, I would be looking into therapy and reaching out to teachers. If the grades are slipping I would look into into alternative pathways to learning., Wow that would make a lot of sense. I can try and talk to him and see what he says. He sees a therapist once a week., Thanks so much for the advice!, At home, not particularly. Like I said my mom is a single parent and his dad is not involved so maybe that has something to do with it? But his dad has never been present so it’s nothing out of the ordinary. Regarding school, he used to be bullied heavily due to his ASD and my mom removed him from that school and put him in a school for children with special needs about 4 months ago. But his behavior changed long before this., Is he getting enough time to decompress? School, homework, socializing and family stuff can get overwhelming., How old is he? Could it be hormonal?, What would be a good thing for him to do to decompress?, He will be 16 in a few months. So maybe, That’s usually pretty personal. For some people it’s doing something they enjoy or having alone time without demands. I can only speak from my personal experience(on the spectrum probably level 1) I need time alone, without people and noise or I start to get crazy., I think that’s probably your answer. Can your mom get him to the doctor and have everything checked out?

16 year old boys can be grumpy creatures, autism or not.",Support,Family Support
"No matter what I do, and I emphasize that, no matter what i do, my 16m old is always crawling over me. It's like I'm a baby magnet or something. Where I walk (if I even can without tripping over them by trying to start to take one step, which happens realistically 50+ times a day) they go/crawl. Plus more. It feels my my body is not mine. I want my body back for me. It's a constant everyday. I get mayyyybe 5-10 minute breaks in between until they are back on it. I never get a break because when I do get a ""break,"" I'm too busy trying to catch my breath and not flip out. I'm way beyond overstimulated and angry. It's to the point I hyperventilate, feel like I'm seeing stars, feel nausea from constant stress, headaches. Etc. What do I do?!?!

I don't have a ""village."" And when I voice my concerns, people tell me to come over to their house, and honestly, that's the last thing I want to do/don't feel mentally stable doing. So, I end up bottling it up and end up snapping/going out of the other room, and my child follows me crying. 

My husband works a heavy labor job. Leaves the house by 6am and isn't back until maybe 8:30pm. By the time he gets home, he only has energy to shower, eat, and then pass out in under 5 minutes. Yes, he does spend some time with our child. It's more on Sunday when we can do things as a family. 

I don't have friends because of neurodivergent/mental illness. I have very bad social anxiety. I haven't found anyone who has similar interests as me, so it's hard to maintain friendships. I've tried more than multiple times going out and hanging out at THEIR house in the past. Nearly every weekend to the point of burnout on my part. These people don't understand mental illness, but they know I have it.","Can you put the baby in a pack n play or a jumper? 
I know some people are anti screen time, but there are so many great educational kids videos on youtube. Hard to feel guilty when your kids watching the phonic alphabet while you take a bath., It’s okay to keep putting them down and to tell them not right now. 

They might not get it right away, but they will catch on eventually and when you’ve got it in you to be touchy again you can welcome them back with arms wide open.

It is so hard when you are all touched out.

Sometimes I just give them a hand or two and encourage them to climb on furniture instead, but away from my body. Gives them the touch they need, gets them some energy out, and I can disconnect my hands from my bodily experience that I can tolerate for a period while the rest of my body recharges., My NT son was like this from 9 months until about 2.5 years old. It made life miserable some days. Obviously, I loved him but he would sit and scream and when he could walk, he would chase me and throw himself at my legs until I picked him up or he bounced off and hit his head on something. My back had spasms from constantly holding him and I was over-touched and over-stimulated every day. 

I tried so many things but nothing helped much. I wish I had put up a baby gate or a play pen/pack and play and bought myself noise-canceling headphones. At the time, I felt too guilty, like he would be emotionally damaged. Now I realize that a healthy mom would have more than made up for whatever distress he experienced by having occasional times he was safe but not in my arms. 

My son is now 3.5 and it's much better. He is still a Stage 10 Clinger, the world's best cuddler, and when he is upset, even if he is mad at me, he wants me to cuddle him and hug him.  But I can walk around my house now without him following me and screaming, and it is so much better., Have you talked to your doctor about PPD/PPA? The rage you feel made me instantly think of that., Can you do daycare a few times a week? Or a mother's helper/nanny? Seems like you need to have some ""you"" time. Sometimes the YMCA has childcare and you can go swim/work out while they're in it?, My child hates the jumper now that they know they can move around more. As well as a pack n play. We screen time, and their favorite is Garfield. But, when I leave the living room, they always follow me., Okay, I wasn't expecting a comment to be that useful... lol! I will definitely try the hand or two up on the couch, and that's it. 

I've done all you said above to no avail. I just made sure my child was fed full, changed, and happy then u went about cooking dinner for the night all the while preparing and cooking tonight,  my child did crawl to the kitchen when he wanted more of snacks, when they needed a look of me, but crawled back out?! Honestly, tonight was the first time that it had happened, so I held no high hopes for the future. But tonight was a great breath of fresh air, and I'm grateful for that. I'm not sure what I did right, but maybe it was just one of their easier nights?, We got a pretty large octagonal play pen, marketed as something you can use outside,  but it allowed him from to walk around a bit but still be contained when I had to get things done & felt like I was about to lose my mind.   Put some toys in there and he was pretty content. 

 We also eventually got a really long baby gate (screwed it into the floor even) that kept him out of the kitchen, and I could still always see him and be available if he needed me. Baby proofed the heck out of the living room and turned it into his ""yes space"" while I could get breathing room at the table and kitchen. This was during the pandemic, and I was also WFH so it worked out well. 

I 100% understand being touched tf out, ND, and not having a village.  Losing my shit at my baby was gonna be way more harmful than him possibly feeling cordoned off. I still spent plenty of one on one time with him in the living room but he is also ND, so he was really good at independent play too.",Support,Parental Burnout
"Hi all

Posting about my 16mo son

We are getting an evaluation for ASD next month. I guess I’m looking for personal experiences and if any of this sounds familiar to anyone out here on the interwebs 

A little about my son - 

He has good receptive language, he listens to simple instructions well. He can point to a body part (his hair). He knows where to get his shoes, where his highchair is, he will go get a certain toy etc. 

However his expressive language is really lacking - he has basically no true words and limited gestures (wave bye bye, signs all done).  He babbles all the time but again, no true consistent word and maybe 2-3 solid gestures 

Socially I've noticed some differences in joint attention compared to other children. I have no idea if he is just a super focused kid (like I’ve seen him find a piece of my hair on the floor and play with it for fun) or if there's something else going on. I know there's a large range of ""normal"" but these are the differences I've noticed primarily in joint attention and being ""object engaged"":

- At daycare I pulled out a toy for him and 2 other children (these kids were younger than my son, 10 months and 13 months). The 2 others were looking at the toy, then at me, then back at the toy repeatedly. My son  did not do this. He was really only engaged with the toy, not me. 

- I also experienced this at a friends house. When taking a picture, her child, who is the same age as my son was looking at her mom, then the camera, then back to her mom, then to camera repeatedly. my son only looked at the camera. 

- I was at a coffee shop with a different friend my sons  age. The other kids were engaged with each other (minimally but they at least noticed and sort of acknowledged each other) and my son  was not sharing much engagement (I won’t say ANY, because there was some but it was limited) and was fixated on a metal shopping cart that he pushed in circles 

- I dropped him off for the first time in 6 months at the gym daycare. He just went right in and didn't look for me, never looked back at me to share the experience or for reassurance 

I’d like to mention that in any of these instances, he may have looked at me briefly during the first few seconds of interacting and maybe a bit later too - so he's usually not COMPLETELY 100% object engaged but the focus is primarily on the object.  I'm not sure if that counts as engaging in joint attention? 

 Additionally, he does point a lot to objects, and then look as to say hey do you see that?  He started pointing around 15 months. So a little late but he does it literally all day now, and usually with his index finger (maybe 10% of the time with whole hand)

Overall he is a happy and joyful kid. He loves to find me and play chase. He looks us in the eyes most of the time. He brings me objects to “show.” He doesn’t do any grabbing of my hand to get something he wants (can’t remember if that’s hand posturing or hand gesturing) 

He does show sort of limited affection. Like I can count on 1 hand the number of times he’s ran into my arms (my husband too). 

Reacts to name 50% of the time 

Has slept great since we started sleep training. Minimal tantrums. Has had recurrent ear infections and were also meeting with the ENT to discuss tubes 

If you made it this far, thank you. Truly. 

Signed, a concerned mom trying to figure out what to expect.","Reminds me of my girl at that age. Does he have an affinity for random household objects and get easily distracted by colorful things / shapes / or have a love of different textures? Seemingly oblivious to the people around him relative to these things? Does he play with toys or just throw them on the ground when he’s done observing/touching them?

It’s great that you are so alert about these things at such a young age. It’s super early but yeah getting an evaluation to get a professional opinion is the right choice., Seems if anything is to be more high functioning with some traits. I honestly think time will be your best friend , it's a critical time in their development, so I would try and get in for an assessment and wait and see how your child develops.

My girl has some of the traits as above , hyper focus being one., Does he respond to his name? That was the first thing I really noticed. 

In hindsight there were other signs, but first kid I had no idea what milestones looked like. He also was putting his blocks in alphabetical order at this age, which I didn’t realize was a sign., I suggest you try the ASD detect app (I think it’s on the Apple app Store) and try and answer the questions as honestly as you can. It’s a great tool to use to get an idea whether he might be at risk of ASD. From what you’ve described, there’s some red flags but also some other really good signs that he’s developing ok., ASDetect was so useful for me. Wish I had it for my first child. It’s an orange logo, produced by LaTribe University here in Australia. SUCH clear examples of this stuff - what joint attention might look like at 12 / 18 / 24 months, gestures, imitation, pretend play. The app gives you videos of children who both are and aren’t on the spectrum. So so useful., Thank you for your thoughtful comment. I would say yes - he loves the vacuum and broom. He also loves our pocket door. 
When he has something he’s extremely interested I would describe him as shutting out the rest of the world and solely focusing on the item. He loves pushing his fake target cart around the house and putting items in it. 

He does play with toys in an appropriate way (he stacks blocks, knows how to do his shape sorter and does it “correctly”). He does sometimes throw, but I would say less than half the time? 

Can I ask how your daughter is doing and how things turned out?, The spectrum is heterogeneous so everyone has a range of different traits. Would you say your child has some non social traits or fairly social with other kids ?, She’s doing well! Shes still only 5, but has made great progress.",Diagnosis,Early Signs
"For context, he lived with his dad's side and mostly his grandparents and was immensely spoiled growing up. He just turned 17 and thinks he is 18 and doesn't feel the need to go to school, he just wants to stay home but the underlying issue really is that he just doesn't like getting up and walking to classes, he was used to the teachers switching instead of the students getting up to go to diff classes. He throws a tantrum and becomes very rebellious when he doesn't get his way, he starts gaslighting and manipulating my aunt (his mom) and she tries her best to calm him down and lets him know how it is softly, yet give in to his wants because she's afraid of what he'll do.. but in all honesty she is at her wits end and is frustrated with how he's been acting lately.

One time he didn't get his way during a holiday (i wasnt there) and he was staying with my grandparents and the rest of our family, and apparently he stole a bunch of random things from my grandparents and ran away (he walked outside somewhere in the neighbourhood) and then asked his grandpa to pick him up. I dont know where he learned to start stealing or where this behaviour stems from but i need help in figuring this out to help my aunt. 

Same situation with my boyfriend's brother, he is also autistic and is my age (21) and refuses to go to college or work, could barely even shower either. Im also scared that my younger cousin who is also autistic might grow up to be like them. Im not sure if these are the consequences of enabling their behaviour or not giving them concrete consequences and the space to hold them accountable for their actions but i want to educate myself further on why this happens and how to navigate through it because i truly care about the people around me and as a neurodivergent myself (diagnosed bipolar, OCD, general anxiety disoder), it breaks my heart to witness it and not know what to do. I worked with autistic toddlers at a daycare for a few months and also found it challenging to approach these situations in healthy ways. Please help","I guess the question goes beyond school to what is the long term goal? What is needed to achieve that goal and what is in the way?, Well, where I am, that's considered old enough to drop out, but I think you need to figure out what his career goals are and if school would serve them., All you can do is encourage your cousin to go to school.  Maybe sit down to talk with him and be a sympathetic listening ear.  Ask him if there's anything you can do to help.

You should definitely steer clear of your boyfriend's brother's issues -- that is none of your business.

I understand why you're worried, but these really aren't your problems to solve.  Try to be a supportive cousin and a good friend.  Your responsibility ends there., I guess the question goes beyond school to what is the long term goal? What is needed to achieve that goal and what is in the way?, Well, where I am, that's considered old enough to drop out, but I think you need to figure out what his career goals are and if school would serve them., All you can do is encourage your cousin to go to school.  Maybe sit down to talk with him and be a sympathetic listening ear.  Ask him if there's anything you can do to help.

You should definitely steer clear of your boyfriend's brother's issues -- that is none of your business.

I understand why you're worried, but these really aren't your problems to solve.  Try to be a supportive cousin and a good friend.  Your responsibility ends there., I guess the question goes beyond school to what is the long term goal? What is needed to achieve that goal and what is in the way?, Well, where I am, that's considered old enough to drop out, but I think you need to figure out what his career goals are and if school would serve them., All you can do is encourage your cousin to go to school.  Maybe sit down to talk with him and be a sympathetic listening ear.  Ask him if there's anything you can do to help.

You should definitely steer clear of your boyfriend's brother's issues -- that is none of your business.

I understand why you're worried, but these really aren't your problems to solve.  Try to be a supportive cousin and a good friend.  Your responsibility ends there., I guess the question goes beyond school to what is the long term goal? What is needed to achieve that goal and what is in the way?, Well, where I am, that's considered old enough to drop out, but I think you need to figure out what his career goals are and if school would serve them., All you can do is encourage your cousin to go to school.  Maybe sit down to talk with him and be a sympathetic listening ear.  Ask him if there's anything you can do to help.

You should definitely steer clear of your boyfriend's brother's issues -- that is none of your business.

I understand why you're worried, but these really aren't your problems to solve.  Try to be a supportive cousin and a good friend.  Your responsibility ends there.",Support,Challenging Behavior
"Hi all, worried mom here. My 18 month old son was recently diagnosed with Level 1 ASD after failing the M-CHAT assessment. I'm sad, confused, and trying to deal with this new reality. His pediatrician recommended we start with private speech therapy asap and that we enroll him in daycare (he's been staying with my mom while I work). He doesn't recommend ABA therapy, which I didn't question during our appointment mostly because I was in a daze. I honestly am not sure what ABA therapy even entails. These are the points that were marked as a fail: 

\- He doesn't play pretend.

\- He doesn't point to show us something interesting.

\- He doesn't bring us things just to share them (not to get help).

\- If my head turns to look at something, he doesn't look around to see what I'm looking at.

These are some of the points that were marked as a pass:

\- He follows my point. 

\- He points with an open hand to things that he wants or when he needs help reaching them.

\- He responds to his name. 

\- He looks me in the eyes.

\- He likes to imitate what I'm doing or saying (waving, clapping, ABC's, making funny sounds or faces..)

\- He looks at me for praise. 

\- He understands simple commands like ""give me the toy"", ""sit down"", ""open/close the door"".

\- He says around 20 words which includes a few signs like ""more"" and ""no"". 

I knew he was speech delayed, but the ASD diagnosis caught me off guard. For parents that went through something similar, did you see any improvement after starting speech therapy? Did daycare help? If your child scored a 4-5 on the M-CHAT, did they end up passing it at the 24 months follow-up? I'm trying to know what to expect following this diagnosis. Should I look into ABA therapy? 

Thanks for your help!!!

​","The M-CHAT is a screener, not an assessment, so should not be the basis of a diagnosis. Are you sure this is a diagnosis and not a referral to Early Intervention or a developmental pediatrician?, My pediatrician said he cannot diagnose. I had to do the ADOS assessment, then once he reviewed those results he would be comfortable providing a diagnosis. We did our assessment at 26 months. ASD is a spectrum there are some things my son didn’t do at the assessment that he does now but there are other things that he still does constantly that does support he has ASD. My son is not in daycare and I am not interested in doing ABA at this time or maybe even at all based on the research I’ve done. 

My son is now 28 months and we will be doing ST and OT., My son failed multiple m-chats, then got a “maybe” diagnosis followed up by the ADOS eval from a specialized psychologist. He is lv 1 and also had a speech delay. Get into speech therapy absolutely. Many autistic child are Gestalt Language Processors. Start researching that. You should also qualify for your states early intervention program. Seek out a formal diagnosis from a developmental pediatrician or child psychologist, there will be a waitlist. Daycare won’t make your child verbal nor will it change their neurology (ASD). If you’re comfortable with your child care now stick with it. Worry about socializing after you move through this process a bit. My family personally does not believe ABA is the best fit for most autistic and we won’t be participating in it. We do OT and speech weekly, OP, I'm sorry for your stress, but definitely need more detail. The M-CHAT is not diagnostic, it's a screener. If you have a doc that ""diagnosed"" off a questionnaire, you need a new doc. Maybe your son has ASD, maybe he doesn't but it's a much longer process to getting a diagnosis than one doctors visit and one questionnaire., My son was diagnosed at 18 months but not solely based in Mchat. Once he didn’t do well with that his pediatrician told us it’s a possibility but he doesn’t diagnose and referred us to a pediatric neurologist, who then Diagnosed. I will say early intervention has been key for us and he is 2 now and really thriving, we do speech and occupational therapy and behavioral therapy. Daycare was never recommended to me as something he needed, I find that a little odd., Anecdotally, At around the same time we had the mchat assessment and that was used as the referral to Birth to 3 (early intervention). From there, their therapists conducted their own assessment and diagnosed my son with a communication disorder. He sounds crazy similar to your child actually!!


We started with speech therapy and behavioral therapy 2x a week and then they eventually scheduled him for a proper autism assessment that takes hours. That's where he was diagnosed lvl 1 (although they wanted to stress that as a spectrum it isn't really leveled anymore) 



Fast forward, he's in our public school PREK receiving special ed service and thriving. I'm a firm believer that getting him in so early helped get him where he is today and you're doing your due diligence as his advocate. I'd probe your local early intervention program for their specific testing, as some are medical and some are for educational purposes., They should not be diagnosing with that test., Paediatricians can’t diagnose autism. Only a clinical psychologist can. This was a screen so he was not diagnosed. I would say follow his advice and revisit it in 6 months there might have been some improvement., OP,  
these two points you have written:  


\- He responds to his name.  
\- He looks me in the eyes.  


Seem to make the equation weigh more in favor of NT behavior. I am not saying it's a 100% match, but be sure to get an actual diagnosis first., My daughter was really similar! I’m a SAHM and we are just doing a play group two mornings a week plus early intervention with a developmental therapy. We are considering adding more speech therapy now post-official diagnosis this month. But catching it so early is awesome. My daughter just turned 2 and has started doing a bunch of the things she wasn’t! Her m-chat score dropped from 5 to 3, super borderline. Still diagnosed but doing well., How odd. We had a 2-hour autism evaluation for our son at 2yo and he was exactly like your son and they ruled him NOT autistic!

But he’s definitely hyperlexic - he’s obsessed with the alphabet and already reading (he turns 3yo next month)…

I’m still active in this subreddit because I suspect they got it wrong. I call him my little level 0.5 lol

The speech delay might be causing the autistic traits though. Our speech therapist said that can happen. They grow out of them as they get older and start talking more.

Anyway, some advice — our son didn’t do imaginative play either. So we bought a school bus and Fisher Price Little People and pretended to make them talk to each other about going on field trips. He LOVED watching us do that and started doing it too eventually! Now he plays imaginatively with his stuffed animals without us prompting him. It’s amazing how far he’s come!, We saw huge progress with daycare more than anything else. My daughter followed the example of the other kids. Speech therapy helped a lot, too. We had to delay some important milestones until she could communicate better. For example, she needed to learn a way to express when she needed to use the potty. Then, it was ways to say and describe symptoms when she felt unwell. She's 4 now and can clearly communicate her wants and needs to other people. We do some ABA therapy that is mostly play therapy in order to identify emotions and find safe ways to communicate and process feelings., Enrolling him in daycare will give him opportunities to socialize with and learn from his peers, which is important.  It will also help you identify if you need ABA therapy before he goes to kindergarten.  As for speech therapy, early intervention is very important!  The most useful thing we did for our son is enroll him in speech therapy early on., As others have said, the MCHAT is a screener, and not a totally reliable one. My son scored 0 on it at 24 months, and he has level 2 autism. You will need to do a full diagnostic screening. 

However, in the meantime, speech therapy will help. You know he has a speech delay, so, even if it isn't autism, he needs a nudge to get back on track., I don’t think pediatricians can diagnose autism, and certainly not based on the results of the screener. What should have happened is that you were referred for an evaluation for early intervention (but you can do this yourself) and possibly a developmental pediatrician or other specialized doctor who can actually determine an autism diagnosis. The wait list for these specialists is months or years, so it makes more sense that the MCHAT highlighted some concerns that need to be looked at further and not that you have an actual diagnosis., I just want to say, you’re not alone mama. When my daughter was 18m she failed her MCHAT as well. My next step was getting an appointment with a developmental pediatrician to have a proper assessment and possible diagnosis. I got pushed up on the list because of how severe it was for her, I got very lucky. My daughter was in early intervention starting at 9m old due to prematurity, but I was told if she qualified for a diagnosis it would open more doors for help for her. I was so sad, I didn’t want her to be diagnosed. The stigma is too real, kids are so mean in school, I blamed myself it was the hardest time in my life besides when she was a newborn. The developmental pediatrician ended up diagnosing her, we never got a level, and we started the process of getting more help from EI including getting her on Medicaid. It’s been 5 months and she has made such amazing progress. We opted out of ABA therapy, just my personal decision. And she has an appointment in a few months for the intermediate unit school for when she turns 3, apparently in PA they start the process early and get a plan in place. AMA, I’m an open book., My son was diagnosed level 1 when he was 2 and pretty much everything you wrote was the same for me. He is3 now in daycare for a few months and he likes it.

Has it improved? I think so but progress is slow. He understands everything but chooses not to listen more than NT kids and communication is still lacking. 

Speech therapy helped the parents more than the kid and most of the advice they give I found online but I do recommend it so you can see how to adjust your communication style. 

Daycare has been great as we get time off and he is learning how to fit in. When we get videos from daycare 90% of the time he is just doing his own thing but that’s fine., this - it's usually step 1 of many on a path to diagnosis.  Is your kid autistic?  It sounds much more likely today than it did yesterday, but nothing official yet.

OP - your kid did much better than mine on the MCHAT if that helps calm any concerns...  And that was with my wife and I thinking we were answering realistically when we were really being overly optimistic, Thanks for the name of the test, just checked it out!, Great to hear your son's progress. Is Behavioral therapy nothing but ABA?   
Also, can you share what improvements you have seen in your son so far?, This isn’t true, my daughter was diagnosed by a developmental pediatrician. She has a special certification., Was your daughter getting therapy at the daycare? or, was it some kind of a special daycare?, No it’s not like ABA. It’s actually a parent based therapy. It’s on zoom and it’s with me and a therapist and we go over his behaviors, things I notice, or need help with and they guide me on how I can help him out and it’s been really great. 

Since starting his therapies he is making a lot of vocal sounds and looks like he’s making his way to having some words. He actually just started saying yea yea yea . His eye contact has greatly improved and he will sometimes turn around when called. He also has become quite affectionate, he wasn’t even slightly affectionate before lol . Yesterday he asked me for a hug and I about died lol., She has speech & ABA therapy, but being around other kids helped her vocabulary grow astronomically. She is the chatty one in her friend group, and I thought my kid my never talk.",Support,New Diagnosis
I have an 18 month old daughter and we got her an ASD diagnosis about two months ago. When she was around 10 months old  she could mimic mama but stopped doing that. She'd pretty consistently been babbling dadadadayayyagagaga (not mimicking or referring to my husband) but stopped doing that two weeks ago and has not made any babbling sounds since then. She can still point to request what she wants and sign for more and open but she lost the babbling. Does this sound like a regression? We're so nervous. Thanks so much. ,"It’s hard to say. My kid has never stopped babbling sounds. He’s 5., My 3yo nonspeaking daughter only babbled for a short time during her first year. Then she babbled for another couple months around her second birthday. She was never able to say dada: only mama and baba. 

She currently communicates with hand-leading, humming, and whining., I have videos from around that age of my son who would say all kinds of things and give us any animal sound we asked for. It all went away very quickly. He is now nonverbal and uses a mix of other ways to communicate. I know this doesn't answer your question  but I would just advise that you enjoy whatever form of communication you can. Celebrate even the smallest verbal communication to promote it., My 3yo son had a regression at 18 months that sounds similar to what you are describing. He stopped not just saying the words he would say but babbling alltogether. 

How is her interaction? In my son’s case within a couple of months he stopped interaction, eye contact, responding to name, etc. Most of those things have returned but no words yet., My daughter is 2.5 and stopped babbling between 15 and 18 months. Started speech therapy after her 18 month checkup. At 2 she had a couple signs. Now at 2.5 she can say a ton of words, count, do the alphabet song, but doesn’t speak in sentences or use words effectively for communication, mainly just labeling.

So it sounds like each of us have a different experience after that., That sounds similar to my kiddo. 

At 18 months, he had like 50 words and a few 2-word sentences. Around 20 months, he regressed and lost most of his words. Then, in the following month or two, he stopped babbling and gesturing as well. Sometimes, even his cries were silent.

Everyone kept telling me his words would come back, and I shouldn't worry about it. I got him into SLP at 25 months. He's now 31 months and has made progress! He's got 17+ gestures including pointing, which he's completely mastered, and 3 ASL. He's got about 6 words that he uses daily and lots that he uses sporadically. 

He's not where we'd like him to be yet, but he's still working on it and he's come so far from where he had regressed to. I'm holding out hope for my kiddo., It’s hard to say. My kid has never stopped babbling sounds. He’s 5., My 3yo nonspeaking daughter only babbled for a short time during her first year. Then she babbled for another couple months around her second birthday. She was never able to say dada: only mama and baba. 

She currently communicates with hand-leading, humming, and whining., I have videos from around that age of my son who would say all kinds of things and give us any animal sound we asked for. It all went away very quickly. He is now nonverbal and uses a mix of other ways to communicate. I know this doesn't answer your question  but I would just advise that you enjoy whatever form of communication you can. Celebrate even the smallest verbal communication to promote it., My 3yo son had a regression at 18 months that sounds similar to what you are describing. He stopped not just saying the words he would say but babbling alltogether. 

How is her interaction? In my son’s case within a couple of months he stopped interaction, eye contact, responding to name, etc. Most of those things have returned but no words yet., My daughter is 2.5 and stopped babbling between 15 and 18 months. Started speech therapy after her 18 month checkup. At 2 she had a couple signs. Now at 2.5 she can say a ton of words, count, do the alphabet song, but doesn’t speak in sentences or use words effectively for communication, mainly just labeling.

So it sounds like each of us have a different experience after that., That sounds similar to my kiddo. 

At 18 months, he had like 50 words and a few 2-word sentences. Around 20 months, he regressed and lost most of his words. Then, in the following month or two, he stopped babbling and gesturing as well. Sometimes, even his cries were silent.

Everyone kept telling me his words would come back, and I shouldn't worry about it. I got him into SLP at 25 months. He's now 31 months and has made progress! He's got 17+ gestures including pointing, which he's completely mastered, and 3 ASL. He's got about 6 words that he uses daily and lots that he uses sporadically. 

He's not where we'd like him to be yet, but he's still working on it and he's come so far from where he had regressed to. I'm holding out hope for my kiddo., It’s hard to say. My kid has never stopped babbling sounds. He’s 5., My 3yo nonspeaking daughter only babbled for a short time during her first year. Then she babbled for another couple months around her second birthday. She was never able to say dada: only mama and baba. 

She currently communicates with hand-leading, humming, and whining., I have videos from around that age of my son who would say all kinds of things and give us any animal sound we asked for. It all went away very quickly. He is now nonverbal and uses a mix of other ways to communicate. I know this doesn't answer your question  but I would just advise that you enjoy whatever form of communication you can. Celebrate even the smallest verbal communication to promote it., My 3yo son had a regression at 18 months that sounds similar to what you are describing. He stopped not just saying the words he would say but babbling alltogether. 

How is her interaction? In my son’s case within a couple of months he stopped interaction, eye contact, responding to name, etc. Most of those things have returned but no words yet., My daughter is 2.5 and stopped babbling between 15 and 18 months. Started speech therapy after her 18 month checkup. At 2 she had a couple signs. Now at 2.5 she can say a ton of words, count, do the alphabet song, but doesn’t speak in sentences or use words effectively for communication, mainly just labeling.

So it sounds like each of us have a different experience after that., That sounds similar to my kiddo. 

At 18 months, he had like 50 words and a few 2-word sentences. Around 20 months, he regressed and lost most of his words. Then, in the following month or two, he stopped babbling and gesturing as well. Sometimes, even his cries were silent.

Everyone kept telling me his words would come back, and I shouldn't worry about it. I got him into SLP at 25 months. He's now 31 months and has made progress! He's got 17+ gestures including pointing, which he's completely mastered, and 3 ASL. He's got about 6 words that he uses daily and lots that he uses sporadically. 

He's not where we'd like him to be yet, but he's still working on it and he's come so far from where he had regressed to. I'm holding out hope for my kiddo., It’s hard to say. My kid has never stopped babbling sounds. He’s 5., My 3yo nonspeaking daughter only babbled for a short time during her first year. Then she babbled for another couple months around her second birthday. She was never able to say dada: only mama and baba. 

She currently communicates with hand-leading, humming, and whining., I have videos from around that age of my son who would say all kinds of things and give us any animal sound we asked for. It all went away very quickly. He is now nonverbal and uses a mix of other ways to communicate. I know this doesn't answer your question  but I would just advise that you enjoy whatever form of communication you can. Celebrate even the smallest verbal communication to promote it., My 3yo son had a regression at 18 months that sounds similar to what you are describing. He stopped not just saying the words he would say but babbling alltogether. 

How is her interaction? In my son’s case within a couple of months he stopped interaction, eye contact, responding to name, etc. Most of those things have returned but no words yet., My daughter is 2.5 and stopped babbling between 15 and 18 months. Started speech therapy after her 18 month checkup. At 2 she had a couple signs. Now at 2.5 she can say a ton of words, count, do the alphabet song, but doesn’t speak in sentences or use words effectively for communication, mainly just labeling.

So it sounds like each of us have a different experience after that., That sounds similar to my kiddo. 

At 18 months, he had like 50 words and a few 2-word sentences. Around 20 months, he regressed and lost most of his words. Then, in the following month or two, he stopped babbling and gesturing as well. Sometimes, even his cries were silent.

Everyone kept telling me his words would come back, and I shouldn't worry about it. I got him into SLP at 25 months. He's now 31 months and has made progress! He's got 17+ gestures including pointing, which he's completely mastered, and 3 ASL. He's got about 6 words that he uses daily and lots that he uses sporadically. 

He's not where we'd like him to be yet, but he's still working on it and he's come so far from where he had regressed to. I'm holding out hope for my kiddo.",Support,Speech Regression
" So I put Ms Rachel on YouTube pretty often,  hoping to teach my toddler how to point, sign or say basic words since she does none of these things. She seems into it and smiles for a while,  eyes looking from me to the TV and back as I try to mimic what ms rachel is doing to show my toddler this is what we are supposed to be doing.  And I will get a few claps out of her, she has even attempted to say stinky, though all she got out for now was STTtt, StTtt. I was happy with it, this is a great start.

  But she seems to get overwhelmed or over stimulated a few minutes in, and wants to sit in my lap and breastfeed while watching for the remainder of the time. Typically she only breastfeeds at night before bed time these days,  but she clings too me while watching Ms rachel while nursing, and she doesn't do this during non educational cartoons, does anyone here recognize this behavior. She doesn't seem upset when she does it she just sort of gets clingy and wants to nurse","[deleted], My son is now 6 and he is sensitive to certain loud noises and certain types of background noise.  We were unaware of this when he was younger. 

It seems like something about the show is too much for her.  Perhaps it’s the bright lights or the sounds/music.  Try and follow her lead.  She doesn’t like Ms. Rachel, no harm at all in dropping YouTube shows.,   Thank you",Support,Coping Mechanism
"Hello all, 

​

I'm an older sister to an autistic & adhd brother, who's turning 20 this year. Our father passed away when he was 13 and had been the main carer that he clung onto, however, my brother had grew up with the bad habit of throwing tantrums to beg for my dad to buy him something and my father gave in almost every time. Now that he's 19 and had been able to receive some level of support from the government, he just goes and buys things he don't actually needs.   


Like he would go and buy clothing when his wardrobe is already full, eat out all the time, buy magazines and toys. To the point where he used up the money once that he's suppose to pay for rent and necessities like a visit in carer.   


Has anyone also experience the same thing and have any tips on how to stop this shopaholic behaviour? I'm thinking possibly it's down to him not understanding how to manage money the correct way, but I don't know how to teach him and my brother doesn't listen to my mum.. ","I'm not sure if you are looking for tips in teaching financial management to autistic adults, if you are then this response won't help and so I apologise in advance. 

A financial power of attorney would allow you or your mother to control his finances for him. You can run his general expenses and if there are sufficient funds, allot him some pocket money for the shopping. If he doesn't need that money for anything important, then he can use it on whatever takes his interest at the time. 

Potentially, and depending on your brother's situation, you can gradually move the management of finance over to him as he gets the hang of it., This is my next step actually, I use to do that and once I moved out I thought maybe he got the hang of it and can handle the money but it definitely didn’t.. I just want it to come from him but possibly I’ll need to revert back to how things were before. Thanks! 👍🏻",Support,Money Management
"My two year old had started rocking himself to sleep somewhere around 15 months but which was fine but over the past few months it’s gotten more intense and he’s started banging the back of his head into his crib while doing it and at first it wasn’t too hard but it’s progressively gotten worse. He’s developed a small bald spot and bump that I had only very recently noticed, we showed his pediatrician and he was concerned so we are working on getting him a helmet through insurance which he will wear at night until he stops, until then is there anything I can do to get him to stop or do something else or even pad the crib safely? ","There are some crib bumpers available on amazon.  There are also helmets made out of padding if you want to try that temporarily.

https://preview.redd.it/dqduc7d6n7qc1.jpeg?width=2880&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=90adfad728fab5ad8d8ff032b1b144c2ac09ef65, We swapped to a soft pack n play at that age until he learned to climb out. Eventually went through insurance and got the Cubby Bed Pro with Tech HUB. It was $30,000 but is soft, enclosed and lasts through adulthood.

After insurance its like $2-3,000 but very worth it if you can swing it. Changed our lives as far as sleeping, Thank you I’ll definitely look into these in the meantime, He was in a pack and play but he rocked so hard he eventually wore it down and broke it too, so he’s back in his crib for right now. I’m going to see if we can get approved for that bed through insurance I think it would be life changing for us at this point. Thank you!, There are some crib bumpers available on amazon.  There are also helmets made out of padding if you want to try that temporarily.

https://preview.redd.it/dqduc7d6n7qc1.jpeg?width=2880&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=90adfad728fab5ad8d8ff032b1b144c2ac09ef65, We swapped to a soft pack n play at that age until he learned to climb out. Eventually went through insurance and got the Cubby Bed Pro with Tech HUB. It was $30,000 but is soft, enclosed and lasts through adulthood.

After insurance its like $2-3,000 but very worth it if you can swing it. Changed our lives as far as sleeping, Thank you I’ll definitely look into these in the meantime, He was in a pack and play but he rocked so hard he eventually wore it down and broke it too, so he’s back in his crib for right now. I’m going to see if we can get approved for that bed through insurance I think it would be life changing for us at this point. Thank you!, There are some crib bumpers available on amazon.  There are also helmets made out of padding if you want to try that temporarily.

https://preview.redd.it/dqduc7d6n7qc1.jpeg?width=2880&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=90adfad728fab5ad8d8ff032b1b144c2ac09ef65, We swapped to a soft pack n play at that age until he learned to climb out. Eventually went through insurance and got the Cubby Bed Pro with Tech HUB. It was $30,000 but is soft, enclosed and lasts through adulthood.

After insurance its like $2-3,000 but very worth it if you can swing it. Changed our lives as far as sleeping, Thank you I’ll definitely look into these in the meantime, He was in a pack and play but he rocked so hard he eventually wore it down and broke it too, so he’s back in his crib for right now. I’m going to see if we can get approved for that bed through insurance I think it would be life changing for us at this point. Thank you!, There are some crib bumpers available on amazon.  There are also helmets made out of padding if you want to try that temporarily.

https://preview.redd.it/dqduc7d6n7qc1.jpeg?width=2880&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=90adfad728fab5ad8d8ff032b1b144c2ac09ef65, We swapped to a soft pack n play at that age until he learned to climb out. Eventually went through insurance and got the Cubby Bed Pro with Tech HUB. It was $30,000 but is soft, enclosed and lasts through adulthood.

After insurance its like $2-3,000 but very worth it if you can swing it. Changed our lives as far as sleeping, Thank you I’ll definitely look into these in the meantime, He was in a pack and play but he rocked so hard he eventually wore it down and broke it too, so he’s back in his crib for right now. I’m going to see if we can get approved for that bed through insurance I think it would be life changing for us at this point. Thank you!",Treatment,Self-Injurious Behavior
"We haven’t been formally diagnosed as his pediatrician thinks he is to young but having only been referred out to speech therapy as he babbles but still says no words. From what I can tell he will respond to his name when he wants does look you in the eye when he wants to 50/50 on responding to his name. Lots of hand flapping and spinning typically when happy. He inspect toys rather than play. And is non verbal. He is babbling a lot. And is trying to say words for example head, nose, ears, water, ball. But will say the sounds not the words. He prefers to play alone but will play with his siblings he is generally a happy kid. Other than these signs nothing really comes to mind. 

Are these signs or what were your early signs. So we reach back to the pediatrician or just keep an eye. ","Does your child point? When he is experiencing something amazing, does he look at your face to see your reaction? You mentioned that he ""inspects"" toys, my son wanted to spin the wheels of cars or set his face down to ground level to see toys from a different angle, that kind of thing. He still doesn't do imaginative play at 5 years old. My son is considered nonverbal because his speech isn't clear but I'm sure he's saying more than we understand as he seems to speak deliberately. He mostly speaks in vowels and sometimes I can hear words if I fill in the constants myself. He practices speech sounds and sometimes words when he's alone in a room by himself. He is mainly communicating with signing and an AAC device these days.

I think you're catching some possible signs, speech therapy is a good first step because they work with a lot of kids on the spectrum and may notice additional signs. They will test for receptive and expressive communication.

I wish I had gotten my son help earlier.  These early years are so important for ASD children. Some children are diagnosed as young as your son, depending on the intensity of the symptoms. It may be worth getting a second opinion if your gut is telling you that he may need additional support., It's so much about communication intent at this age, regardless of whether he can speak clearly yet, does it seem like he wants to engage and communicate with you? Does he bring you things to show you, point to things then look back at you, does he seek you out to play with you? I remember watching a video of my NT toddler at around 12 months, we were filming ourselves, he looked at himself on the phone, said baby then looked back at me for confirmation. It was an interaction that I just wasn't getting with my suspected ND toddler at the time., Speaking from experience, 2yrs isn't too young. It may be too young for a GP/pediatrician, but not for a psychologist or someone who would actually diagnose it. Our friend's child was diagnosed at around 18months and our daughter just over 2yrs old. The psychologist said our daughter was very strange because she presents normal (also what our doctors said), but after some time, the autistic traits are very much present.


If you can get on a list for your child to see a psychologist through your health system, I would get on that ASAP cuz those can take a year+. If there are private options and you have insurance to cover it, I would recommend that first. Our friend with the 18month old had their older child not diagnosed through the health system and eventuallt went private to get properly diagnosed. Nothing against the health system, but perhaps they don't have enough resources or time to make a diagnosis (or whatever the reason is).


Your son sounds very similar to our daughter and she was diagnosed mod-severe autism with language impairment. She has word approximations too (yuck for duck for example).


Best of luck!, Our son is 2 and 4 months, and we are scheduled for testing in August but pediatrician, ST, OT, and the intake nurse at our local children's hospital Developmental Pediatric Dept are all in agreement that it seems he is autistic. These are the signs we and they have noticed:

Does not pretend play very well (working on this and have gotten him interested in feeding baby doll and making stuffed animals sometimes do things like frog stuffy jump on his trampoline)

No pointing (though we have finally gotten him to make the gesture (yay!) due to his love of the game fruit ninja lol)

Not very great with gestures in general other than clapping (rarely waves, or indicates for up) had better fine motor skills but they seem to be declining i.e. had no issues previously using utensils and now has very hard time 

Likes to walk on his tippy toes

Does not respond well to name (getting a lot better with this and normally will respond to me and dad just no one else)

Loves stimming vocally ALOT we affectionately say he has a future career in the opera. He is mainly non verbal but used to be very verbal. Could count to 10, identify all colors etc... then at 2 it regressed to occasionally a word every once in awhile. He is working on this with speech therapy

He has always had great eye contact and is super affectionate.

Stims include hand flapping, clapping, vocal stims, loves banging blocks and other toys for the feeling and noise, jumping, and spinning in circles

Very sensory oriented loves fuzzy textures and he likes cuddling. We call him our cat because he also loves to rub up against us and other soft items. 

Isn't great with receptive language and following directions like peers. Super hyper and cannot really sit to read a book or do arts and crafts

Certain texture avoidance, especially with foods

Rough sleeper. Once asleep, he can sleep forever, but to get to sleep is so hard for him, and he struggles very much


Our guy is happy 99 percent of the time and very easygoing. Most of the signs were blown off as normal for developing toddlers until his most recent speech regression, and then we had speech therapist write up report from her with his daycare teacher to give to pediatrician. Once she saw those and saw everything we have been saying for months laid out, did it finally click that their may be something going on.

There is more, but this is already so long lol so I better stop while I am ahead. 

Wishing you and your family  the best, and I hope you can get the help your little guy needs if necessary ❤️, Our pediatrician pushed the initial visit until just after he was two for assessment but we knew what the outcome would be when he was 18 months.
I think as a general rule they like to wait to diagnosis after the age of 2 - don’t quote me but I’ve seen 2 as being the starting point for a lot of families(also located in Ontario Canada)

My son had all the same signs and all before he got to the age of 2. I started seeing signs at the age of 1. 
I would find another pediatrician or get a second opinion. 

One of the best things that an infant and childcare development worker told me was to pursue the possibility of a diagnosis and if you got to the end of it, and there was no diagnosis you’ve lost nothing. She told me it doesn’t hurt to be on the waitlist, and then if he starts talking or some of the concerns disappear you can just remove your name off of the waitlist. But if you don’t pursue and hold off and there is a diagnosis, you will have lost potential supports, funding,  access and time., Honestly follow your gut. Get him in with a developmental pediatrician who can give you better insight. Start now because there’s usually waitlists to get children into services for autism., Does your child point? When he is experiencing something amazing, does he look at your face to see your reaction? You mentioned that he ""inspects"" toys, my son wanted to spin the wheels of cars or set his face down to ground level to see toys from a different angle, that kind of thing. He still doesn't do imaginative play at 5 years old. My son is considered nonverbal because his speech isn't clear but I'm sure he's saying more than we understand as he seems to speak deliberately. He mostly speaks in vowels and sometimes I can hear words if I fill in the constants myself. He practices speech sounds and sometimes words when he's alone in a room by himself. He is mainly communicating with signing and an AAC device these days.

I think you're catching some possible signs, speech therapy is a good first step because they work with a lot of kids on the spectrum and may notice additional signs. They will test for receptive and expressive communication.

I wish I had gotten my son help earlier.  These early years are so important for ASD children. Some children are diagnosed as young as your son, depending on the intensity of the symptoms. It may be worth getting a second opinion if your gut is telling you that he may need additional support., It's so much about communication intent at this age, regardless of whether he can speak clearly yet, does it seem like he wants to engage and communicate with you? Does he bring you things to show you, point to things then look back at you, does he seek you out to play with you? I remember watching a video of my NT toddler at around 12 months, we were filming ourselves, he looked at himself on the phone, said baby then looked back at me for confirmation. It was an interaction that I just wasn't getting with my suspected ND toddler at the time., Speaking from experience, 2yrs isn't too young. It may be too young for a GP/pediatrician, but not for a psychologist or someone who would actually diagnose it. Our friend's child was diagnosed at around 18months and our daughter just over 2yrs old. The psychologist said our daughter was very strange because she presents normal (also what our doctors said), but after some time, the autistic traits are very much present.


If you can get on a list for your child to see a psychologist through your health system, I would get on that ASAP cuz those can take a year+. If there are private options and you have insurance to cover it, I would recommend that first. Our friend with the 18month old had their older child not diagnosed through the health system and eventuallt went private to get properly diagnosed. Nothing against the health system, but perhaps they don't have enough resources or time to make a diagnosis (or whatever the reason is).


Your son sounds very similar to our daughter and she was diagnosed mod-severe autism with language impairment. She has word approximations too (yuck for duck for example).


Best of luck!, Our son is 2 and 4 months, and we are scheduled for testing in August but pediatrician, ST, OT, and the intake nurse at our local children's hospital Developmental Pediatric Dept are all in agreement that it seems he is autistic. These are the signs we and they have noticed:

Does not pretend play very well (working on this and have gotten him interested in feeding baby doll and making stuffed animals sometimes do things like frog stuffy jump on his trampoline)

No pointing (though we have finally gotten him to make the gesture (yay!) due to his love of the game fruit ninja lol)

Not very great with gestures in general other than clapping (rarely waves, or indicates for up) had better fine motor skills but they seem to be declining i.e. had no issues previously using utensils and now has very hard time 

Likes to walk on his tippy toes

Does not respond well to name (getting a lot better with this and normally will respond to me and dad just no one else)

Loves stimming vocally ALOT we affectionately say he has a future career in the opera. He is mainly non verbal but used to be very verbal. Could count to 10, identify all colors etc... then at 2 it regressed to occasionally a word every once in awhile. He is working on this with speech therapy

He has always had great eye contact and is super affectionate.

Stims include hand flapping, clapping, vocal stims, loves banging blocks and other toys for the feeling and noise, jumping, and spinning in circles

Very sensory oriented loves fuzzy textures and he likes cuddling. We call him our cat because he also loves to rub up against us and other soft items. 

Isn't great with receptive language and following directions like peers. Super hyper and cannot really sit to read a book or do arts and crafts

Certain texture avoidance, especially with foods

Rough sleeper. Once asleep, he can sleep forever, but to get to sleep is so hard for him, and he struggles very much


Our guy is happy 99 percent of the time and very easygoing. Most of the signs were blown off as normal for developing toddlers until his most recent speech regression, and then we had speech therapist write up report from her with his daycare teacher to give to pediatrician. Once she saw those and saw everything we have been saying for months laid out, did it finally click that their may be something going on.

There is more, but this is already so long lol so I better stop while I am ahead. 

Wishing you and your family  the best, and I hope you can get the help your little guy needs if necessary ❤️, Our pediatrician pushed the initial visit until just after he was two for assessment but we knew what the outcome would be when he was 18 months.
I think as a general rule they like to wait to diagnosis after the age of 2 - don’t quote me but I’ve seen 2 as being the starting point for a lot of families(also located in Ontario Canada)

My son had all the same signs and all before he got to the age of 2. I started seeing signs at the age of 1. 
I would find another pediatrician or get a second opinion. 

One of the best things that an infant and childcare development worker told me was to pursue the possibility of a diagnosis and if you got to the end of it, and there was no diagnosis you’ve lost nothing. She told me it doesn’t hurt to be on the waitlist, and then if he starts talking or some of the concerns disappear you can just remove your name off of the waitlist. But if you don’t pursue and hold off and there is a diagnosis, you will have lost potential supports, funding,  access and time., Honestly follow your gut. Get him in with a developmental pediatrician who can give you better insight. Start now because there’s usually waitlists to get children into services for autism., Does your child point? When he is experiencing something amazing, does he look at your face to see your reaction? You mentioned that he ""inspects"" toys, my son wanted to spin the wheels of cars or set his face down to ground level to see toys from a different angle, that kind of thing. He still doesn't do imaginative play at 5 years old. My son is considered nonverbal because his speech isn't clear but I'm sure he's saying more than we understand as he seems to speak deliberately. He mostly speaks in vowels and sometimes I can hear words if I fill in the constants myself. He practices speech sounds and sometimes words when he's alone in a room by himself. He is mainly communicating with signing and an AAC device these days.

I think you're catching some possible signs, speech therapy is a good first step because they work with a lot of kids on the spectrum and may notice additional signs. They will test for receptive and expressive communication.

I wish I had gotten my son help earlier.  These early years are so important for ASD children. Some children are diagnosed as young as your son, depending on the intensity of the symptoms. It may be worth getting a second opinion if your gut is telling you that he may need additional support., It's so much about communication intent at this age, regardless of whether he can speak clearly yet, does it seem like he wants to engage and communicate with you? Does he bring you things to show you, point to things then look back at you, does he seek you out to play with you? I remember watching a video of my NT toddler at around 12 months, we were filming ourselves, he looked at himself on the phone, said baby then looked back at me for confirmation. It was an interaction that I just wasn't getting with my suspected ND toddler at the time., Speaking from experience, 2yrs isn't too young. It may be too young for a GP/pediatrician, but not for a psychologist or someone who would actually diagnose it. Our friend's child was diagnosed at around 18months and our daughter just over 2yrs old. The psychologist said our daughter was very strange because she presents normal (also what our doctors said), but after some time, the autistic traits are very much present.


If you can get on a list for your child to see a psychologist through your health system, I would get on that ASAP cuz those can take a year+. If there are private options and you have insurance to cover it, I would recommend that first. Our friend with the 18month old had their older child not diagnosed through the health system and eventuallt went private to get properly diagnosed. Nothing against the health system, but perhaps they don't have enough resources or time to make a diagnosis (or whatever the reason is).


Your son sounds very similar to our daughter and she was diagnosed mod-severe autism with language impairment. She has word approximations too (yuck for duck for example).


Best of luck!, Our son is 2 and 4 months, and we are scheduled for testing in August but pediatrician, ST, OT, and the intake nurse at our local children's hospital Developmental Pediatric Dept are all in agreement that it seems he is autistic. These are the signs we and they have noticed:

Does not pretend play very well (working on this and have gotten him interested in feeding baby doll and making stuffed animals sometimes do things like frog stuffy jump on his trampoline)

No pointing (though we have finally gotten him to make the gesture (yay!) due to his love of the game fruit ninja lol)

Not very great with gestures in general other than clapping (rarely waves, or indicates for up) had better fine motor skills but they seem to be declining i.e. had no issues previously using utensils and now has very hard time 

Likes to walk on his tippy toes

Does not respond well to name (getting a lot better with this and normally will respond to me and dad just no one else)

Loves stimming vocally ALOT we affectionately say he has a future career in the opera. He is mainly non verbal but used to be very verbal. Could count to 10, identify all colors etc... then at 2 it regressed to occasionally a word every once in awhile. He is working on this with speech therapy

He has always had great eye contact and is super affectionate.

Stims include hand flapping, clapping, vocal stims, loves banging blocks and other toys for the feeling and noise, jumping, and spinning in circles

Very sensory oriented loves fuzzy textures and he likes cuddling. We call him our cat because he also loves to rub up against us and other soft items. 

Isn't great with receptive language and following directions like peers. Super hyper and cannot really sit to read a book or do arts and crafts

Certain texture avoidance, especially with foods

Rough sleeper. Once asleep, he can sleep forever, but to get to sleep is so hard for him, and he struggles very much


Our guy is happy 99 percent of the time and very easygoing. Most of the signs were blown off as normal for developing toddlers until his most recent speech regression, and then we had speech therapist write up report from her with his daycare teacher to give to pediatrician. Once she saw those and saw everything we have been saying for months laid out, did it finally click that their may be something going on.

There is more, but this is already so long lol so I better stop while I am ahead. 

Wishing you and your family  the best, and I hope you can get the help your little guy needs if necessary ❤️, Our pediatrician pushed the initial visit until just after he was two for assessment but we knew what the outcome would be when he was 18 months.
I think as a general rule they like to wait to diagnosis after the age of 2 - don’t quote me but I’ve seen 2 as being the starting point for a lot of families(also located in Ontario Canada)

My son had all the same signs and all before he got to the age of 2. I started seeing signs at the age of 1. 
I would find another pediatrician or get a second opinion. 

One of the best things that an infant and childcare development worker told me was to pursue the possibility of a diagnosis and if you got to the end of it, and there was no diagnosis you’ve lost nothing. She told me it doesn’t hurt to be on the waitlist, and then if he starts talking or some of the concerns disappear you can just remove your name off of the waitlist. But if you don’t pursue and hold off and there is a diagnosis, you will have lost potential supports, funding,  access and time., Honestly follow your gut. Get him in with a developmental pediatrician who can give you better insight. Start now because there’s usually waitlists to get children into services for autism., Does your child point? When he is experiencing something amazing, does he look at your face to see your reaction? You mentioned that he ""inspects"" toys, my son wanted to spin the wheels of cars or set his face down to ground level to see toys from a different angle, that kind of thing. He still doesn't do imaginative play at 5 years old. My son is considered nonverbal because his speech isn't clear but I'm sure he's saying more than we understand as he seems to speak deliberately. He mostly speaks in vowels and sometimes I can hear words if I fill in the constants myself. He practices speech sounds and sometimes words when he's alone in a room by himself. He is mainly communicating with signing and an AAC device these days.

I think you're catching some possible signs, speech therapy is a good first step because they work with a lot of kids on the spectrum and may notice additional signs. They will test for receptive and expressive communication.

I wish I had gotten my son help earlier.  These early years are so important for ASD children. Some children are diagnosed as young as your son, depending on the intensity of the symptoms. It may be worth getting a second opinion if your gut is telling you that he may need additional support., It's so much about communication intent at this age, regardless of whether he can speak clearly yet, does it seem like he wants to engage and communicate with you? Does he bring you things to show you, point to things then look back at you, does he seek you out to play with you? I remember watching a video of my NT toddler at around 12 months, we were filming ourselves, he looked at himself on the phone, said baby then looked back at me for confirmation. It was an interaction that I just wasn't getting with my suspected ND toddler at the time., Speaking from experience, 2yrs isn't too young. It may be too young for a GP/pediatrician, but not for a psychologist or someone who would actually diagnose it. Our friend's child was diagnosed at around 18months and our daughter just over 2yrs old. The psychologist said our daughter was very strange because she presents normal (also what our doctors said), but after some time, the autistic traits are very much present.


If you can get on a list for your child to see a psychologist through your health system, I would get on that ASAP cuz those can take a year+. If there are private options and you have insurance to cover it, I would recommend that first. Our friend with the 18month old had their older child not diagnosed through the health system and eventuallt went private to get properly diagnosed. Nothing against the health system, but perhaps they don't have enough resources or time to make a diagnosis (or whatever the reason is).


Your son sounds very similar to our daughter and she was diagnosed mod-severe autism with language impairment. She has word approximations too (yuck for duck for example).


Best of luck!, Our son is 2 and 4 months, and we are scheduled for testing in August but pediatrician, ST, OT, and the intake nurse at our local children's hospital Developmental Pediatric Dept are all in agreement that it seems he is autistic. These are the signs we and they have noticed:

Does not pretend play very well (working on this and have gotten him interested in feeding baby doll and making stuffed animals sometimes do things like frog stuffy jump on his trampoline)

No pointing (though we have finally gotten him to make the gesture (yay!) due to his love of the game fruit ninja lol)

Not very great with gestures in general other than clapping (rarely waves, or indicates for up) had better fine motor skills but they seem to be declining i.e. had no issues previously using utensils and now has very hard time 

Likes to walk on his tippy toes

Does not respond well to name (getting a lot better with this and normally will respond to me and dad just no one else)

Loves stimming vocally ALOT we affectionately say he has a future career in the opera. He is mainly non verbal but used to be very verbal. Could count to 10, identify all colors etc... then at 2 it regressed to occasionally a word every once in awhile. He is working on this with speech therapy

He has always had great eye contact and is super affectionate.

Stims include hand flapping, clapping, vocal stims, loves banging blocks and other toys for the feeling and noise, jumping, and spinning in circles

Very sensory oriented loves fuzzy textures and he likes cuddling. We call him our cat because he also loves to rub up against us and other soft items. 

Isn't great with receptive language and following directions like peers. Super hyper and cannot really sit to read a book or do arts and crafts

Certain texture avoidance, especially with foods

Rough sleeper. Once asleep, he can sleep forever, but to get to sleep is so hard for him, and he struggles very much


Our guy is happy 99 percent of the time and very easygoing. Most of the signs were blown off as normal for developing toddlers until his most recent speech regression, and then we had speech therapist write up report from her with his daycare teacher to give to pediatrician. Once she saw those and saw everything we have been saying for months laid out, did it finally click that their may be something going on.

There is more, but this is already so long lol so I better stop while I am ahead. 

Wishing you and your family  the best, and I hope you can get the help your little guy needs if necessary ❤️, Our pediatrician pushed the initial visit until just after he was two for assessment but we knew what the outcome would be when he was 18 months.
I think as a general rule they like to wait to diagnosis after the age of 2 - don’t quote me but I’ve seen 2 as being the starting point for a lot of families(also located in Ontario Canada)

My son had all the same signs and all before he got to the age of 2. I started seeing signs at the age of 1. 
I would find another pediatrician or get a second opinion. 

One of the best things that an infant and childcare development worker told me was to pursue the possibility of a diagnosis and if you got to the end of it, and there was no diagnosis you’ve lost nothing. She told me it doesn’t hurt to be on the waitlist, and then if he starts talking or some of the concerns disappear you can just remove your name off of the waitlist. But if you don’t pursue and hold off and there is a diagnosis, you will have lost potential supports, funding,  access and time., Honestly follow your gut. Get him in with a developmental pediatrician who can give you better insight. Start now because there’s usually waitlists to get children into services for autism., Does your child point? When he is experiencing something amazing, does he look at your face to see your reaction? You mentioned that he ""inspects"" toys, my son wanted to spin the wheels of cars or set his face down to ground level to see toys from a different angle, that kind of thing. He still doesn't do imaginative play at 5 years old. My son is considered nonverbal because his speech isn't clear but I'm sure he's saying more than we understand as he seems to speak deliberately. He mostly speaks in vowels and sometimes I can hear words if I fill in the constants myself. He practices speech sounds and sometimes words when he's alone in a room by himself. He is mainly communicating with signing and an AAC device these days.

I think you're catching some possible signs, speech therapy is a good first step because they work with a lot of kids on the spectrum and may notice additional signs. They will test for receptive and expressive communication.

I wish I had gotten my son help earlier.  These early years are so important for ASD children. Some children are diagnosed as young as your son, depending on the intensity of the symptoms. It may be worth getting a second opinion if your gut is telling you that he may need additional support., It's so much about communication intent at this age, regardless of whether he can speak clearly yet, does it seem like he wants to engage and communicate with you? Does he bring you things to show you, point to things then look back at you, does he seek you out to play with you? I remember watching a video of my NT toddler at around 12 months, we were filming ourselves, he looked at himself on the phone, said baby then looked back at me for confirmation. It was an interaction that I just wasn't getting with my suspected ND toddler at the time., Speaking from experience, 2yrs isn't too young. It may be too young for a GP/pediatrician, but not for a psychologist or someone who would actually diagnose it. Our friend's child was diagnosed at around 18months and our daughter just over 2yrs old. The psychologist said our daughter was very strange because she presents normal (also what our doctors said), but after some time, the autistic traits are very much present.


If you can get on a list for your child to see a psychologist through your health system, I would get on that ASAP cuz those can take a year+. If there are private options and you have insurance to cover it, I would recommend that first. Our friend with the 18month old had their older child not diagnosed through the health system and eventuallt went private to get properly diagnosed. Nothing against the health system, but perhaps they don't have enough resources or time to make a diagnosis (or whatever the reason is).


Your son sounds very similar to our daughter and she was diagnosed mod-severe autism with language impairment. She has word approximations too (yuck for duck for example).


Best of luck!, Our son is 2 and 4 months, and we are scheduled for testing in August but pediatrician, ST, OT, and the intake nurse at our local children's hospital Developmental Pediatric Dept are all in agreement that it seems he is autistic. These are the signs we and they have noticed:

Does not pretend play very well (working on this and have gotten him interested in feeding baby doll and making stuffed animals sometimes do things like frog stuffy jump on his trampoline)

No pointing (though we have finally gotten him to make the gesture (yay!) due to his love of the game fruit ninja lol)

Not very great with gestures in general other than clapping (rarely waves, or indicates for up) had better fine motor skills but they seem to be declining i.e. had no issues previously using utensils and now has very hard time 

Likes to walk on his tippy toes

Does not respond well to name (getting a lot better with this and normally will respond to me and dad just no one else)

Loves stimming vocally ALOT we affectionately say he has a future career in the opera. He is mainly non verbal but used to be very verbal. Could count to 10, identify all colors etc... then at 2 it regressed to occasionally a word every once in awhile. He is working on this with speech therapy

He has always had great eye contact and is super affectionate.

Stims include hand flapping, clapping, vocal stims, loves banging blocks and other toys for the feeling and noise, jumping, and spinning in circles

Very sensory oriented loves fuzzy textures and he likes cuddling. We call him our cat because he also loves to rub up against us and other soft items. 

Isn't great with receptive language and following directions like peers. Super hyper and cannot really sit to read a book or do arts and crafts

Certain texture avoidance, especially with foods

Rough sleeper. Once asleep, he can sleep forever, but to get to sleep is so hard for him, and he struggles very much


Our guy is happy 99 percent of the time and very easygoing. Most of the signs were blown off as normal for developing toddlers until his most recent speech regression, and then we had speech therapist write up report from her with his daycare teacher to give to pediatrician. Once she saw those and saw everything we have been saying for months laid out, did it finally click that their may be something going on.

There is more, but this is already so long lol so I better stop while I am ahead. 

Wishing you and your family  the best, and I hope you can get the help your little guy needs if necessary ❤️, Our pediatrician pushed the initial visit until just after he was two for assessment but we knew what the outcome would be when he was 18 months.
I think as a general rule they like to wait to diagnosis after the age of 2 - don’t quote me but I’ve seen 2 as being the starting point for a lot of families(also located in Ontario Canada)

My son had all the same signs and all before he got to the age of 2. I started seeing signs at the age of 1. 
I would find another pediatrician or get a second opinion. 

One of the best things that an infant and childcare development worker told me was to pursue the possibility of a diagnosis and if you got to the end of it, and there was no diagnosis you’ve lost nothing. She told me it doesn’t hurt to be on the waitlist, and then if he starts talking or some of the concerns disappear you can just remove your name off of the waitlist. But if you don’t pursue and hold off and there is a diagnosis, you will have lost potential supports, funding,  access and time., Honestly follow your gut. Get him in with a developmental pediatrician who can give you better insight. Start now because there’s usually waitlists to get children into services for autism., Does your child point? When he is experiencing something amazing, does he look at your face to see your reaction? You mentioned that he ""inspects"" toys, my son wanted to spin the wheels of cars or set his face down to ground level to see toys from a different angle, that kind of thing. He still doesn't do imaginative play at 5 years old. My son is considered nonverbal because his speech isn't clear but I'm sure he's saying more than we understand as he seems to speak deliberately. He mostly speaks in vowels and sometimes I can hear words if I fill in the constants myself. He practices speech sounds and sometimes words when he's alone in a room by himself. He is mainly communicating with signing and an AAC device these days.

I think you're catching some possible signs, speech therapy is a good first step because they work with a lot of kids on the spectrum and may notice additional signs. They will test for receptive and expressive communication.

I wish I had gotten my son help earlier.  These early years are so important for ASD children. Some children are diagnosed as young as your son, depending on the intensity of the symptoms. It may be worth getting a second opinion if your gut is telling you that he may need additional support., It's so much about communication intent at this age, regardless of whether he can speak clearly yet, does it seem like he wants to engage and communicate with you? Does he bring you things to show you, point to things then look back at you, does he seek you out to play with you? I remember watching a video of my NT toddler at around 12 months, we were filming ourselves, he looked at himself on the phone, said baby then looked back at me for confirmation. It was an interaction that I just wasn't getting with my suspected ND toddler at the time., Speaking from experience, 2yrs isn't too young. It may be too young for a GP/pediatrician, but not for a psychologist or someone who would actually diagnose it. Our friend's child was diagnosed at around 18months and our daughter just over 2yrs old. The psychologist said our daughter was very strange because she presents normal (also what our doctors said), but after some time, the autistic traits are very much present.


If you can get on a list for your child to see a psychologist through your health system, I would get on that ASAP cuz those can take a year+. If there are private options and you have insurance to cover it, I would recommend that first. Our friend with the 18month old had their older child not diagnosed through the health system and eventuallt went private to get properly diagnosed. Nothing against the health system, but perhaps they don't have enough resources or time to make a diagnosis (or whatever the reason is).


Your son sounds very similar to our daughter and she was diagnosed mod-severe autism with language impairment. She has word approximations too (yuck for duck for example).


Best of luck!, Our son is 2 and 4 months, and we are scheduled for testing in August but pediatrician, ST, OT, and the intake nurse at our local children's hospital Developmental Pediatric Dept are all in agreement that it seems he is autistic. These are the signs we and they have noticed:

Does not pretend play very well (working on this and have gotten him interested in feeding baby doll and making stuffed animals sometimes do things like frog stuffy jump on his trampoline)

No pointing (though we have finally gotten him to make the gesture (yay!) due to his love of the game fruit ninja lol)

Not very great with gestures in general other than clapping (rarely waves, or indicates for up) had better fine motor skills but they seem to be declining i.e. had no issues previously using utensils and now has very hard time 

Likes to walk on his tippy toes

Does not respond well to name (getting a lot better with this and normally will respond to me and dad just no one else)

Loves stimming vocally ALOT we affectionately say he has a future career in the opera. He is mainly non verbal but used to be very verbal. Could count to 10, identify all colors etc... then at 2 it regressed to occasionally a word every once in awhile. He is working on this with speech therapy

He has always had great eye contact and is super affectionate.

Stims include hand flapping, clapping, vocal stims, loves banging blocks and other toys for the feeling and noise, jumping, and spinning in circles

Very sensory oriented loves fuzzy textures and he likes cuddling. We call him our cat because he also loves to rub up against us and other soft items. 

Isn't great with receptive language and following directions like peers. Super hyper and cannot really sit to read a book or do arts and crafts

Certain texture avoidance, especially with foods

Rough sleeper. Once asleep, he can sleep forever, but to get to sleep is so hard for him, and he struggles very much


Our guy is happy 99 percent of the time and very easygoing. Most of the signs were blown off as normal for developing toddlers until his most recent speech regression, and then we had speech therapist write up report from her with his daycare teacher to give to pediatrician. Once she saw those and saw everything we have been saying for months laid out, did it finally click that their may be something going on.

There is more, but this is already so long lol so I better stop while I am ahead. 

Wishing you and your family  the best, and I hope you can get the help your little guy needs if necessary ❤️, Our pediatrician pushed the initial visit until just after he was two for assessment but we knew what the outcome would be when he was 18 months.
I think as a general rule they like to wait to diagnosis after the age of 2 - don’t quote me but I’ve seen 2 as being the starting point for a lot of families(also located in Ontario Canada)

My son had all the same signs and all before he got to the age of 2. I started seeing signs at the age of 1. 
I would find another pediatrician or get a second opinion. 

One of the best things that an infant and childcare development worker told me was to pursue the possibility of a diagnosis and if you got to the end of it, and there was no diagnosis you’ve lost nothing. She told me it doesn’t hurt to be on the waitlist, and then if he starts talking or some of the concerns disappear you can just remove your name off of the waitlist. But if you don’t pursue and hold off and there is a diagnosis, you will have lost potential supports, funding,  access and time., Honestly follow your gut. Get him in with a developmental pediatrician who can give you better insight. Start now because there’s usually waitlists to get children into services for autism., Does your child point? When he is experiencing something amazing, does he look at your face to see your reaction? You mentioned that he ""inspects"" toys, my son wanted to spin the wheels of cars or set his face down to ground level to see toys from a different angle, that kind of thing. He still doesn't do imaginative play at 5 years old. My son is considered nonverbal because his speech isn't clear but I'm sure he's saying more than we understand as he seems to speak deliberately. He mostly speaks in vowels and sometimes I can hear words if I fill in the constants myself. He practices speech sounds and sometimes words when he's alone in a room by himself. He is mainly communicating with signing and an AAC device these days.

I think you're catching some possible signs, speech therapy is a good first step because they work with a lot of kids on the spectrum and may notice additional signs. They will test for receptive and expressive communication.

I wish I had gotten my son help earlier.  These early years are so important for ASD children. Some children are diagnosed as young as your son, depending on the intensity of the symptoms. It may be worth getting a second opinion if your gut is telling you that he may need additional support., It's so much about communication intent at this age, regardless of whether he can speak clearly yet, does it seem like he wants to engage and communicate with you? Does he bring you things to show you, point to things then look back at you, does he seek you out to play with you? I remember watching a video of my NT toddler at around 12 months, we were filming ourselves, he looked at himself on the phone, said baby then looked back at me for confirmation. It was an interaction that I just wasn't getting with my suspected ND toddler at the time., Speaking from experience, 2yrs isn't too young. It may be too young for a GP/pediatrician, but not for a psychologist or someone who would actually diagnose it. Our friend's child was diagnosed at around 18months and our daughter just over 2yrs old. The psychologist said our daughter was very strange because she presents normal (also what our doctors said), but after some time, the autistic traits are very much present.


If you can get on a list for your child to see a psychologist through your health system, I would get on that ASAP cuz those can take a year+. If there are private options and you have insurance to cover it, I would recommend that first. Our friend with the 18month old had their older child not diagnosed through the health system and eventuallt went private to get properly diagnosed. Nothing against the health system, but perhaps they don't have enough resources or time to make a diagnosis (or whatever the reason is).


Your son sounds very similar to our daughter and she was diagnosed mod-severe autism with language impairment. She has word approximations too (yuck for duck for example).


Best of luck!, Our son is 2 and 4 months, and we are scheduled for testing in August but pediatrician, ST, OT, and the intake nurse at our local children's hospital Developmental Pediatric Dept are all in agreement that it seems he is autistic. These are the signs we and they have noticed:

Does not pretend play very well (working on this and have gotten him interested in feeding baby doll and making stuffed animals sometimes do things like frog stuffy jump on his trampoline)

No pointing (though we have finally gotten him to make the gesture (yay!) due to his love of the game fruit ninja lol)

Not very great with gestures in general other than clapping (rarely waves, or indicates for up) had better fine motor skills but they seem to be declining i.e. had no issues previously using utensils and now has very hard time 

Likes to walk on his tippy toes

Does not respond well to name (getting a lot better with this and normally will respond to me and dad just no one else)

Loves stimming vocally ALOT we affectionately say he has a future career in the opera. He is mainly non verbal but used to be very verbal. Could count to 10, identify all colors etc... then at 2 it regressed to occasionally a word every once in awhile. He is working on this with speech therapy

He has always had great eye contact and is super affectionate.

Stims include hand flapping, clapping, vocal stims, loves banging blocks and other toys for the feeling and noise, jumping, and spinning in circles

Very sensory oriented loves fuzzy textures and he likes cuddling. We call him our cat because he also loves to rub up against us and other soft items. 

Isn't great with receptive language and following directions like peers. Super hyper and cannot really sit to read a book or do arts and crafts

Certain texture avoidance, especially with foods

Rough sleeper. Once asleep, he can sleep forever, but to get to sleep is so hard for him, and he struggles very much


Our guy is happy 99 percent of the time and very easygoing. Most of the signs were blown off as normal for developing toddlers until his most recent speech regression, and then we had speech therapist write up report from her with his daycare teacher to give to pediatrician. Once she saw those and saw everything we have been saying for months laid out, did it finally click that their may be something going on.

There is more, but this is already so long lol so I better stop while I am ahead. 

Wishing you and your family  the best, and I hope you can get the help your little guy needs if necessary ❤️, Our pediatrician pushed the initial visit until just after he was two for assessment but we knew what the outcome would be when he was 18 months.
I think as a general rule they like to wait to diagnosis after the age of 2 - don’t quote me but I’ve seen 2 as being the starting point for a lot of families(also located in Ontario Canada)

My son had all the same signs and all before he got to the age of 2. I started seeing signs at the age of 1. 
I would find another pediatrician or get a second opinion. 

One of the best things that an infant and childcare development worker told me was to pursue the possibility of a diagnosis and if you got to the end of it, and there was no diagnosis you’ve lost nothing. She told me it doesn’t hurt to be on the waitlist, and then if he starts talking or some of the concerns disappear you can just remove your name off of the waitlist. But if you don’t pursue and hold off and there is a diagnosis, you will have lost potential supports, funding,  access and time., Honestly follow your gut. Get him in with a developmental pediatrician who can give you better insight. Start now because there’s usually waitlists to get children into services for autism., Does your child point? When he is experiencing something amazing, does he look at your face to see your reaction? You mentioned that he ""inspects"" toys, my son wanted to spin the wheels of cars or set his face down to ground level to see toys from a different angle, that kind of thing. He still doesn't do imaginative play at 5 years old. My son is considered nonverbal because his speech isn't clear but I'm sure he's saying more than we understand as he seems to speak deliberately. He mostly speaks in vowels and sometimes I can hear words if I fill in the constants myself. He practices speech sounds and sometimes words when he's alone in a room by himself. He is mainly communicating with signing and an AAC device these days.

I think you're catching some possible signs, speech therapy is a good first step because they work with a lot of kids on the spectrum and may notice additional signs. They will test for receptive and expressive communication.

I wish I had gotten my son help earlier.  These early years are so important for ASD children. Some children are diagnosed as young as your son, depending on the intensity of the symptoms. It may be worth getting a second opinion if your gut is telling you that he may need additional support., It's so much about communication intent at this age, regardless of whether he can speak clearly yet, does it seem like he wants to engage and communicate with you? Does he bring you things to show you, point to things then look back at you, does he seek you out to play with you? I remember watching a video of my NT toddler at around 12 months, we were filming ourselves, he looked at himself on the phone, said baby then looked back at me for confirmation. It was an interaction that I just wasn't getting with my suspected ND toddler at the time., Speaking from experience, 2yrs isn't too young. It may be too young for a GP/pediatrician, but not for a psychologist or someone who would actually diagnose it. Our friend's child was diagnosed at around 18months and our daughter just over 2yrs old. The psychologist said our daughter was very strange because she presents normal (also what our doctors said), but after some time, the autistic traits are very much present.


If you can get on a list for your child to see a psychologist through your health system, I would get on that ASAP cuz those can take a year+. If there are private options and you have insurance to cover it, I would recommend that first. Our friend with the 18month old had their older child not diagnosed through the health system and eventuallt went private to get properly diagnosed. Nothing against the health system, but perhaps they don't have enough resources or time to make a diagnosis (or whatever the reason is).


Your son sounds very similar to our daughter and she was diagnosed mod-severe autism with language impairment. She has word approximations too (yuck for duck for example).


Best of luck!, Our son is 2 and 4 months, and we are scheduled for testing in August but pediatrician, ST, OT, and the intake nurse at our local children's hospital Developmental Pediatric Dept are all in agreement that it seems he is autistic. These are the signs we and they have noticed:

Does not pretend play very well (working on this and have gotten him interested in feeding baby doll and making stuffed animals sometimes do things like frog stuffy jump on his trampoline)

No pointing (though we have finally gotten him to make the gesture (yay!) due to his love of the game fruit ninja lol)

Not very great with gestures in general other than clapping (rarely waves, or indicates for up) had better fine motor skills but they seem to be declining i.e. had no issues previously using utensils and now has very hard time 

Likes to walk on his tippy toes

Does not respond well to name (getting a lot better with this and normally will respond to me and dad just no one else)

Loves stimming vocally ALOT we affectionately say he has a future career in the opera. He is mainly non verbal but used to be very verbal. Could count to 10, identify all colors etc... then at 2 it regressed to occasionally a word every once in awhile. He is working on this with speech therapy

He has always had great eye contact and is super affectionate.

Stims include hand flapping, clapping, vocal stims, loves banging blocks and other toys for the feeling and noise, jumping, and spinning in circles

Very sensory oriented loves fuzzy textures and he likes cuddling. We call him our cat because he also loves to rub up against us and other soft items. 

Isn't great with receptive language and following directions like peers. Super hyper and cannot really sit to read a book or do arts and crafts

Certain texture avoidance, especially with foods

Rough sleeper. Once asleep, he can sleep forever, but to get to sleep is so hard for him, and he struggles very much


Our guy is happy 99 percent of the time and very easygoing. Most of the signs were blown off as normal for developing toddlers until his most recent speech regression, and then we had speech therapist write up report from her with his daycare teacher to give to pediatrician. Once she saw those and saw everything we have been saying for months laid out, did it finally click that their may be something going on.

There is more, but this is already so long lol so I better stop while I am ahead. 

Wishing you and your family  the best, and I hope you can get the help your little guy needs if necessary ❤️, Our pediatrician pushed the initial visit until just after he was two for assessment but we knew what the outcome would be when he was 18 months.
I think as a general rule they like to wait to diagnosis after the age of 2 - don’t quote me but I’ve seen 2 as being the starting point for a lot of families(also located in Ontario Canada)

My son had all the same signs and all before he got to the age of 2. I started seeing signs at the age of 1. 
I would find another pediatrician or get a second opinion. 

One of the best things that an infant and childcare development worker told me was to pursue the possibility of a diagnosis and if you got to the end of it, and there was no diagnosis you’ve lost nothing. She told me it doesn’t hurt to be on the waitlist, and then if he starts talking or some of the concerns disappear you can just remove your name off of the waitlist. But if you don’t pursue and hold off and there is a diagnosis, you will have lost potential supports, funding,  access and time., Honestly follow your gut. Get him in with a developmental pediatrician who can give you better insight. Start now because there’s usually waitlists to get children into services for autism., Does your child point? When he is experiencing something amazing, does he look at your face to see your reaction? You mentioned that he ""inspects"" toys, my son wanted to spin the wheels of cars or set his face down to ground level to see toys from a different angle, that kind of thing. He still doesn't do imaginative play at 5 years old. My son is considered nonverbal because his speech isn't clear but I'm sure he's saying more than we understand as he seems to speak deliberately. He mostly speaks in vowels and sometimes I can hear words if I fill in the constants myself. He practices speech sounds and sometimes words when he's alone in a room by himself. He is mainly communicating with signing and an AAC device these days.

I think you're catching some possible signs, speech therapy is a good first step because they work with a lot of kids on the spectrum and may notice additional signs. They will test for receptive and expressive communication.

I wish I had gotten my son help earlier.  These early years are so important for ASD children. Some children are diagnosed as young as your son, depending on the intensity of the symptoms. It may be worth getting a second opinion if your gut is telling you that he may need additional support., It's so much about communication intent at this age, regardless of whether he can speak clearly yet, does it seem like he wants to engage and communicate with you? Does he bring you things to show you, point to things then look back at you, does he seek you out to play with you? I remember watching a video of my NT toddler at around 12 months, we were filming ourselves, he looked at himself on the phone, said baby then looked back at me for confirmation. It was an interaction that I just wasn't getting with my suspected ND toddler at the time., Speaking from experience, 2yrs isn't too young. It may be too young for a GP/pediatrician, but not for a psychologist or someone who would actually diagnose it. Our friend's child was diagnosed at around 18months and our daughter just over 2yrs old. The psychologist said our daughter was very strange because she presents normal (also what our doctors said), but after some time, the autistic traits are very much present.


If you can get on a list for your child to see a psychologist through your health system, I would get on that ASAP cuz those can take a year+. If there are private options and you have insurance to cover it, I would recommend that first. Our friend with the 18month old had their older child not diagnosed through the health system and eventuallt went private to get properly diagnosed. Nothing against the health system, but perhaps they don't have enough resources or time to make a diagnosis (or whatever the reason is).


Your son sounds very similar to our daughter and she was diagnosed mod-severe autism with language impairment. She has word approximations too (yuck for duck for example).


Best of luck!, Our son is 2 and 4 months, and we are scheduled for testing in August but pediatrician, ST, OT, and the intake nurse at our local children's hospital Developmental Pediatric Dept are all in agreement that it seems he is autistic. These are the signs we and they have noticed:

Does not pretend play very well (working on this and have gotten him interested in feeding baby doll and making stuffed animals sometimes do things like frog stuffy jump on his trampoline)

No pointing (though we have finally gotten him to make the gesture (yay!) due to his love of the game fruit ninja lol)

Not very great with gestures in general other than clapping (rarely waves, or indicates for up) had better fine motor skills but they seem to be declining i.e. had no issues previously using utensils and now has very hard time 

Likes to walk on his tippy toes

Does not respond well to name (getting a lot better with this and normally will respond to me and dad just no one else)

Loves stimming vocally ALOT we affectionately say he has a future career in the opera. He is mainly non verbal but used to be very verbal. Could count to 10, identify all colors etc... then at 2 it regressed to occasionally a word every once in awhile. He is working on this with speech therapy

He has always had great eye contact and is super affectionate.

Stims include hand flapping, clapping, vocal stims, loves banging blocks and other toys for the feeling and noise, jumping, and spinning in circles

Very sensory oriented loves fuzzy textures and he likes cuddling. We call him our cat because he also loves to rub up against us and other soft items. 

Isn't great with receptive language and following directions like peers. Super hyper and cannot really sit to read a book or do arts and crafts

Certain texture avoidance, especially with foods

Rough sleeper. Once asleep, he can sleep forever, but to get to sleep is so hard for him, and he struggles very much


Our guy is happy 99 percent of the time and very easygoing. Most of the signs were blown off as normal for developing toddlers until his most recent speech regression, and then we had speech therapist write up report from her with his daycare teacher to give to pediatrician. Once she saw those and saw everything we have been saying for months laid out, did it finally click that their may be something going on.

There is more, but this is already so long lol so I better stop while I am ahead. 

Wishing you and your family  the best, and I hope you can get the help your little guy needs if necessary ❤️, Our pediatrician pushed the initial visit until just after he was two for assessment but we knew what the outcome would be when he was 18 months.
I think as a general rule they like to wait to diagnosis after the age of 2 - don’t quote me but I’ve seen 2 as being the starting point for a lot of families(also located in Ontario Canada)

My son had all the same signs and all before he got to the age of 2. I started seeing signs at the age of 1. 
I would find another pediatrician or get a second opinion. 

One of the best things that an infant and childcare development worker told me was to pursue the possibility of a diagnosis and if you got to the end of it, and there was no diagnosis you’ve lost nothing. She told me it doesn’t hurt to be on the waitlist, and then if he starts talking or some of the concerns disappear you can just remove your name off of the waitlist. But if you don’t pursue and hold off and there is a diagnosis, you will have lost potential supports, funding,  access and time., Honestly follow your gut. Get him in with a developmental pediatrician who can give you better insight. Start now because there’s usually waitlists to get children into services for autism.",Symptoms,Seeking Diagnosis
"Hi,  


Sorry if I am missing on any essential info that can help convey our situation better - please let us know in that case and I will be happy to provide it!  


Just joined this community, however I have been following all the wonderful people posts and people here for a month or so. Our 22-month old toddler is most likely to be on the spectrum. I think he is level 1, based on the things he does. We are in California (Bay Area) and have been looking at Early Intervention through therapies and all the possible options that can help our toddler at this stage.  


We contacted the regional center and they still have us on their ""waitlist"", and meanwhile we ran into a private agency online called ""Jigsaw Diagnostics ([https://www.jigsaw-dx.com/](https://www.jigsaw-dx.com/))"". Since we came to know that a diagnosis is required to start Early Intervention, we went ahead and did an eval with them. They basically did a video screening and saw him for 10 minutes on a video call, along with asking us a ton of questions on the things he does, etc. and diagnosed him (mild-moderate) to be on the spectrum. That's where the story ended with them.   


A week later, we jumped into the process of doing research on the spectrum, and spend our time with him during the day as much as possible. Firstly, these are the things that we see with him:  


\- Plays hide and seek, plays peek-a-boo. Sometimes he hides on his own, expecting us to come find him.  
\- Does not line up toys or objects. Does not walk on his tiptoes.  
\- Does not spin much. The maximum we've seen him do it 3 times or so in a day's time  
\- Knows all letters, numbers from 1-10, shapes, and fruits and vegetables. He knows animals and also makes the right animal sound upon requesting.  
\- Points to things in books when asked. He also likes books and reads books to himself in his own ""language""  
\- Likes watching TV, and keeps singing some songs and parts of some shows he saw, during his free time  
\- Eats on his own; he will eat fruits and crackers from a bowl.   
\- Stacks blocks, plays the color and shape sorting game. He flips over toy cars but won't do any spinning wheels or look at individual parts for longer than a minute. He also plays with cars properly by pushing them, although he doesn't do that a whole lot.  
\- He likes eating whole fruits on his own. Gives us a bite when we open our mouth and ask him.  
\- Does not seem to have issues with sounds, lights or textures etc. He also asks to be picked up by coming to us and raising arms.   
\- He runs a lot and can climb stairs and such, although there is some sloppiness that I see while he does it.  
\- He likes tickling, and he makes quite a lot of eye contact when we are playing games with him or singing rhymes.  
\- He also imitates us to a decent extent. Ex: He copied me when I blow my nose for instance.  
\- He brings a doll to me sometimes (in an attempt to get me to make it move like a puppet, which he likes). We asked him to feed crackers to the doll recently, and he ended up placing them near the doll's mouth.

\-

Now, the RED FLAGS:

\- Never made great eye contact. When he was an under 1 year of age, he used to make great eye contact, but it dropped significantly after that mark. Now, he only makes eye contact if I am singing or making funny noises and making him laugh.

\- Not responding to name. He does respond sometimes, but the rate is about 25% at best, and when he is playing with his toys or watching TV, it is close to 0%.

\- Does not share attention. Never pointed, never tried to get our attention and showed us things he would notice. He wouldn't look at us and ask us for help with something he needs help with.  


\- Does not follow instructions. He only understands a few limited things like ""Give me the red ball, give me the green ball, etc."", as a part of playing a game where we would scatter all these balls near him and ask one color at a time.  


\- Does not interact with other kids, although seems to have no issues hanging around them. He plays on his own, with his toys.

\- Gets stuck in his own world a few times a day, and would keep babbling to himself with parts of rhymes, songs and keeps saying colors, numbers etc. to himself when he is idle.

\- Likes to climb on couch and walk on it back and forth.  
\- Elopes all the time in the park. If we set him free, he runs off without looking if we're there or not.  
He doesn't play much besides picking up stones, or interesting things he finds in the grass. He seems to like the slide and swing as well, but when we're not taking him on those, he's gravitating towards the stones by default.  


\- Close to 0 pretend play. We've seen him feed cookie to animal toys some 3 or 4 times so far and that's it.  
\- Seems to be not aware of some dangerous things like water ponds, and also runs a bit of a sloppy manner, which by looking at him, seems like he will hit something on the floor.  


I hope that is not too much information, but based on the things above, I definitely felt he is somewhere on the spectrum. We started browsing resources online to help him, and found a book called ""An Early Start for Your Child with Autism"" on Amazon which seems to have enough info. Meanwhile we have him waitlisted for ST and OT beginning in 2 weeks. ABA may start in 20 days or so. He will be exactly 22 months old by then. We also put away all his toys, and severely cut down TV time and started to sit with him 24x7, playing funny games and trying to interact with him and distract his attention as much as possible. In two weeks of doing so, he somewhat learned to point, and when we ask him to point at things, he would show and point. Additionally, he started pointing to crackers and say ""crackers"" when he wants us to give him some (they are in a jar out of his reach but very visible). Last night, he woke up a few times in the middle of night and said ""water"", when he wanted water. We saw this as behavior improvement.   


I wanted to dive in here and see what sort of actions you'd like us to take at this point that would be recommended, what sort of care to provide for him, and what can be done to make sure so that he would acquire the life and social/communicative skills that he needs as much as possible, before he is ready for school. any resources and insight will be greatly appreciated. Once again, thanks a lot to all of you in advance.

​","OK breathe
I’ve been in this position before I understand concerns, and the importance of helping them. I cannot stress enough this will all figure itself out little by little. You need the diagnosis to move forward. Once you get that you will be recommended to ABA services most likely or occupational services maybe even both just really depends on your child and their needs. Once you get started into therapy you’ll start understand how to help them and whatever else they might need. it really takes time and I know it’s really stressful at first. My best advice to you is start learning about early childhood development for special needs children. My son didn’t start his ABA therapy until six months after his diagnosis so this stuff really does take time it’s a process. 

My son got diagnosed earlier this yeah, and I am now majoring in early childhood development I’m going to get me A.S. At end of next year. You don’t need to do all that if you don’t want to or feel the need to, but educating yourself really helps. There have been books recommended to me here on Reddit, that I honestly never got the opportunity to read, because I just started pouring myself into school and specifically to learn early childhood development in general which still applies to special-needs children. There’s no book that you can read that will give you all the answers. It’s something you have to figure out on your own unfortunately. The education is key for you and for them., What does your toddler's pediatrician think? Did the pediatrician provide a referral to the regional center? If not, I suggest you get that ball rolling - it might make things go more quickly.

I'm also in California and both of my children were developmentally behind at their respective 18-month well visits, which prompted a referral from their pediatrician to the regional center and (very soon afterwards) an assessment from them. Didn't have to deal with a waitlist. My daughter turned out to just be a bit developmentally behind, but my son was referred for additional services and just got an ASD diagnosis this week at 23 months.

If you have the resources, I would recommend an in-person autism assessment from a provider of at least an hour to get a more complete sense of your child's needs (he seems more like my NT daughter than my son at that age, in all honesty). In the meantime, it's great that you're getting support for your child - and the regional center will be super helpful in putting together an individualized plan once they are able to do their own (non-ASD specific) assessment. 

Good luck and I hope you're having fun with your child and not stressing too much., Please read up about ABA, about why people have described it as an traumatic experience for them, and vet your local provider thoroughly., Hi. Any updates? My son is 20 months old and is the same aside from pointing. How are things with your family? Has he made gains? Thank you, Thank you for responding! the pediatrician expressed some concern, citing ""possible ASD"". We also reached out to our regional center, they scheduled a call with this next week, and they also have an in-person eval setup at their center within the next 10 days.  


We are just looking forward to what we will have to find out, however frankly there is some worry going on right between me and the wife, whenever we think of what we will have to discover. Appreciate the information you provided!, ABA is traumatic? Appreciate if you can explain.  How long does it take for ABA therapy for stage 2?, Ah. Sounds like you're on top of things and doing what you can.

The regional center eval is huge; they will step in and pay for therapies they deem necessary that your insurance won't cover. However, this doesn't include ABA. Depending on your insurance, you could end up paying a fair amount out of pocket. I don't know how much ABA you intend on utilizing, but 25+ hours a week is not uncommon... almost impossible if both parents work full-time and there isn't extended family nearby. If that applies to you, good to start thinking about what you realistically can handle in the next year. It gets better at age 3, when responsibilities are shifted from the regional center to the local school district., I can’t say anything about durations that ABA providers suggest. Just some (varied) resources that explain points of criticism:

https://www.emerald.com/insight/content/doi/10.1108/AIA-08-2017-0016/full/html

https://cardinalscholar.bsu.edu/server/api/core/bitstreams/194f31d5-a1e7-4fbd-8c29-e567ab7c90aa/content

https://therapistndc.org/applied-behavior-analysis-aba/

https://stopabasupportautistics.home.blog/197-2/",Support,Seeking Advice
"Hello beautiful community, 

As the title states, my sweet, fun, independent 3 1/2 year old daughter was recently diagnosed with autism. She is under her mother's insurance (we are divorced,) and the plan she has has a high deductible ($6000 In Network, $12000 OON) before any costs are covered. PT, OT, ST is all $75-80 a half hour. We just received a $900 evaluation bill. It's going to be a long year if we can't find any financial relief. Anyone have any tips, supplemental insurance plans, ANYTHING that can blunt this blow? Once 2025 comes around, we will be able to change plans and get things down to a $20-30 copay. Thank you all so much in advance!","Once you have the diagnosis, you can apply for Medicaid disability (not talking SSI) and that insurance should help with future costs., Are you in the US? At 3.5 she’s aged out of early intervention but she will still qualify for FREE services from your local public school system. You need to call whatever school she’d be attending for kindergarten and get her evaluated there to get an IEP set up, she can start receiving therapy from the school therapists before she’s enrolled., I have the same plan.  My ABA does a 12 month payment plan for my out of pocket. I do HSA to offset some of the other therapies.  Out of pocket is usually met by the March.  Usually end up getting a credit back from the ABA. Those cost add up pretty quick so you may reach the out of pocket sooner than you think.  Definitely look at the policy because in most cases a diagnosis will make the service limits not applicable to your child., Your child may be covered for more than you think through her regular insurance. A lot of states have special laws in place that cover an autism diagnosis and/or therapies. 

I called my insurance to ask about what was covered. Her diagnostic testing and weekly therapy were covered with no deductible or co-pay. 

You can also Google something like “Autism insurance coverage by state”., Do you have an insurance plan you can add her on for her secondary insurance? Not sure how that works with split households but may be worth checking out. Also, when our son was diagnosed we were on Medicaid, then lost coverage after the pandemic extension ended. We went on my husband's plan, and it didn't differentiate my son's medical stuff from anything else we do. In fact, everything has been covered for the most part, beside MY ADHD doctor, but he went out of network and I refuse to start over with someone else lol., Has mother called her insurance directly to ask about coverage with a diagnosis? For example, our insurance without a diagnosis only covers 20 sessions of speech and OT a year with a copay. With a diagnosis, we can do speech and OT DAILY and there’s no copay. Plus ABA is covered. But it did take a bit for the provider to figure out how our insurance wanted it to be coded to cover it.

ETA: we do have really good insurance in general., I’m in Florida too, where are you? I am south and we have a program that helps, before age 3 they get services free and then after 3 they work to transition them into an elementary school and get them an IEP., She might qualify for a state funded program that covers costs for mental health. For example: When my Son first started taking Ability the prescription was about $1500 a month. Her insurance wouldn’t cover it, so an agency called Cenpatico picked up the cost and covered it. That’s what the agency is called where I live here in Arizona, I don’t know if it would be called something else where you live . But if a Dr. deems the treatment/medications are necessary and your insurance won’t cover it, or you can’t afford it, they may be able to help on a sliding fee scale or for no cost. I would suggest calling any state funded mental health facilities in your area and see if there is a program like that that they are affiliated with. Good luck on your journey. My son is 16 and was diagnosed with autism when he was seven. It has been a long road, but he is doing very well. I know every child is different, and I know how devastating a diagnosis can be, but please try to remain positive and find all the help and resources that you can for your baby., Don't forget to use the HSA that likely comes with that high deductible, Doesn't apply to OP since this is for California, but leaving info here just in case someone from California ends up in this post.
If your income level is higher than Medi-Cal eligibility, you can request your Regional Center coordinator for Institutional Deeming for Medi-Cal., Thank you for sharing that. Although, her mother's income is much higher than what I see allowable on the Medicaid site. So I don't think it would apply to us, but I would love to be wrong, Absolutely agree with this. Our district's ONE public preschool is tuition based if over the income threshold (and we are WELL above it..by like $50k). But, since we had documentation, we were able to waive the tuition, saving us $600 monthly. My son also gets speech, OT and RTI interventions per his IEP, all free through the school!, Certain states you stay enrolled in EI until you’re 5, which makes way more sense bc then you start school. 

My son is aged out of EI at 3.5 and is currently receiving his therapies IN a school and through the city, but he doesn’t attend school if that makes sense. It’s pretty dumb honestly. It’ll be way better next year when he goes to the developmental day preschool and receives services through them., Thank you so much. Reading up on this now. It's quite hopeful!, Thank you for that. I will double check with her now. She was going to make the call this week, and we’ve been emailing each other what we are learning. So much to cover!, Yeah, we used $900 of her FSA to cover the eval bill., OP, it does apply. Its called a Medicaid waiver, its for folks who have autistic children and are above the income threshold. 

First apply for Medicaid, get denied, apply for waiver, submit proof of income/assets and then they will approve the waiver, If her mother has custody, Medicaid may not work out. If you have custody, it may. , There are resources available by state as well if you feel comfortable sharing that., [deleted], Just looked this up. The cutoff in our state (Florida) is March 31, 2024, and they only have 40,000 spots available. Hoping we can get this in quickly. Thank you so much for your comment!, Certain states this doesn’t really work for unfortunately. I’m in North Carolina and the waiver program (cap C) is only for kids whose diagnoses would land them in the hospital 4 times in 8 months. This was the one bit of criteria my son didn’t meet so I remember it. The other criteria he met through not being able to walk or feed himself. We were told by the waiver program rep specifically “autism doesn’t count to get you on this waiver program”. 

SSDI is the same shitty situation here bc they count the parents assets as the child’s. So, bc we own 2 cars and a house, my child doesn’t qualify for ssdi. If we were in South Carolina however, they look at the child’s personal assets separately from the parents. So as long as a child doesn’t have more than 2 thousand (I think that’s the number) then they get ssdi, thus qualifying them for Medicaid. 

I have a friend whose daughter is the same age with the same dx as my son and her experience with South Carolina has been amazing compared to my experience in NC., We live in Florida, I’m not disagreeing with you saying OP’s kid should be receiving therapy through the school system. Also, I’m very aware of how early intervention works from having a birth - K degree in childhood development and having a child with a severe disability. South Carolina early intervention goes until the child is 5 and starts kinder. 

Also, depending on the state their CDSA rep or whoever handled their early intervention should be able to help them get set up with school based services., Good on you for reaching out, this group can be a fantastic resource. Fingers crossed this process goes as smooth as possible for your family. Best of luck., Once you have the diagnosis, you can apply for Medicaid disability (not talking SSI) and that insurance should help with future costs., Are you in the US? At 3.5 she’s aged out of early intervention but she will still qualify for FREE services from your local public school system. You need to call whatever school she’d be attending for kindergarten and get her evaluated there to get an IEP set up, she can start receiving therapy from the school therapists before she’s enrolled., I have the same plan.  My ABA does a 12 month payment plan for my out of pocket. I do HSA to offset some of the other therapies.  Out of pocket is usually met by the March.  Usually end up getting a credit back from the ABA. Those cost add up pretty quick so you may reach the out of pocket sooner than you think.  Definitely look at the policy because in most cases a diagnosis will make the service limits not applicable to your child., Your child may be covered for more than you think through her regular insurance. A lot of states have special laws in place that cover an autism diagnosis and/or therapies. 

I called my insurance to ask about what was covered. Her diagnostic testing and weekly therapy were covered with no deductible or co-pay. 

You can also Google something like “Autism insurance coverage by state”., Do you have an insurance plan you can add her on for her secondary insurance? Not sure how that works with split households but may be worth checking out. Also, when our son was diagnosed we were on Medicaid, then lost coverage after the pandemic extension ended. We went on my husband's plan, and it didn't differentiate my son's medical stuff from anything else we do. In fact, everything has been covered for the most part, beside MY ADHD doctor, but he went out of network and I refuse to start over with someone else lol., Has mother called her insurance directly to ask about coverage with a diagnosis? For example, our insurance without a diagnosis only covers 20 sessions of speech and OT a year with a copay. With a diagnosis, we can do speech and OT DAILY and there’s no copay. Plus ABA is covered. But it did take a bit for the provider to figure out how our insurance wanted it to be coded to cover it.

ETA: we do have really good insurance in general., I’m in Florida too, where are you? I am south and we have a program that helps, before age 3 they get services free and then after 3 they work to transition them into an elementary school and get them an IEP., She might qualify for a state funded program that covers costs for mental health. For example: When my Son first started taking Ability the prescription was about $1500 a month. Her insurance wouldn’t cover it, so an agency called Cenpatico picked up the cost and covered it. That’s what the agency is called where I live here in Arizona, I don’t know if it would be called something else where you live . But if a Dr. deems the treatment/medications are necessary and your insurance won’t cover it, or you can’t afford it, they may be able to help on a sliding fee scale or for no cost. I would suggest calling any state funded mental health facilities in your area and see if there is a program like that that they are affiliated with. Good luck on your journey. My son is 16 and was diagnosed with autism when he was seven. It has been a long road, but he is doing very well. I know every child is different, and I know how devastating a diagnosis can be, but please try to remain positive and find all the help and resources that you can for your baby., Don't forget to use the HSA that likely comes with that high deductible, Doesn't apply to OP since this is for California, but leaving info here just in case someone from California ends up in this post.
If your income level is higher than Medi-Cal eligibility, you can request your Regional Center coordinator for Institutional Deeming for Medi-Cal., Thank you for sharing that. Although, her mother's income is much higher than what I see allowable on the Medicaid site. So I don't think it would apply to us, but I would love to be wrong, Absolutely agree with this. Our district's ONE public preschool is tuition based if over the income threshold (and we are WELL above it..by like $50k). But, since we had documentation, we were able to waive the tuition, saving us $600 monthly. My son also gets speech, OT and RTI interventions per his IEP, all free through the school!, Certain states you stay enrolled in EI until you’re 5, which makes way more sense bc then you start school. 

My son is aged out of EI at 3.5 and is currently receiving his therapies IN a school and through the city, but he doesn’t attend school if that makes sense. It’s pretty dumb honestly. It’ll be way better next year when he goes to the developmental day preschool and receives services through them., Thank you so much. Reading up on this now. It's quite hopeful!, Thank you for that. I will double check with her now. She was going to make the call this week, and we’ve been emailing each other what we are learning. So much to cover!, Yeah, we used $900 of her FSA to cover the eval bill., OP, it does apply. Its called a Medicaid waiver, its for folks who have autistic children and are above the income threshold. 

First apply for Medicaid, get denied, apply for waiver, submit proof of income/assets and then they will approve the waiver, If her mother has custody, Medicaid may not work out. If you have custody, it may. , There are resources available by state as well if you feel comfortable sharing that., [deleted], Just looked this up. The cutoff in our state (Florida) is March 31, 2024, and they only have 40,000 spots available. Hoping we can get this in quickly. Thank you so much for your comment!, Certain states this doesn’t really work for unfortunately. I’m in North Carolina and the waiver program (cap C) is only for kids whose diagnoses would land them in the hospital 4 times in 8 months. This was the one bit of criteria my son didn’t meet so I remember it. The other criteria he met through not being able to walk or feed himself. We were told by the waiver program rep specifically “autism doesn’t count to get you on this waiver program”. 

SSDI is the same shitty situation here bc they count the parents assets as the child’s. So, bc we own 2 cars and a house, my child doesn’t qualify for ssdi. If we were in South Carolina however, they look at the child’s personal assets separately from the parents. So as long as a child doesn’t have more than 2 thousand (I think that’s the number) then they get ssdi, thus qualifying them for Medicaid. 

I have a friend whose daughter is the same age with the same dx as my son and her experience with South Carolina has been amazing compared to my experience in NC., We live in Florida, I’m not disagreeing with you saying OP’s kid should be receiving therapy through the school system. Also, I’m very aware of how early intervention works from having a birth - K degree in childhood development and having a child with a severe disability. South Carolina early intervention goes until the child is 5 and starts kinder. 

Also, depending on the state their CDSA rep or whoever handled their early intervention should be able to help them get set up with school based services., Good on you for reaching out, this group can be a fantastic resource. Fingers crossed this process goes as smooth as possible for your family. Best of luck., Once you have the diagnosis, you can apply for Medicaid disability (not talking SSI) and that insurance should help with future costs., Are you in the US? At 3.5 she’s aged out of early intervention but she will still qualify for FREE services from your local public school system. You need to call whatever school she’d be attending for kindergarten and get her evaluated there to get an IEP set up, she can start receiving therapy from the school therapists before she’s enrolled., I have the same plan.  My ABA does a 12 month payment plan for my out of pocket. I do HSA to offset some of the other therapies.  Out of pocket is usually met by the March.  Usually end up getting a credit back from the ABA. Those cost add up pretty quick so you may reach the out of pocket sooner than you think.  Definitely look at the policy because in most cases a diagnosis will make the service limits not applicable to your child., Your child may be covered for more than you think through her regular insurance. A lot of states have special laws in place that cover an autism diagnosis and/or therapies. 

I called my insurance to ask about what was covered. Her diagnostic testing and weekly therapy were covered with no deductible or co-pay. 

You can also Google something like “Autism insurance coverage by state”., Do you have an insurance plan you can add her on for her secondary insurance? Not sure how that works with split households but may be worth checking out. Also, when our son was diagnosed we were on Medicaid, then lost coverage after the pandemic extension ended. We went on my husband's plan, and it didn't differentiate my son's medical stuff from anything else we do. In fact, everything has been covered for the most part, beside MY ADHD doctor, but he went out of network and I refuse to start over with someone else lol., Has mother called her insurance directly to ask about coverage with a diagnosis? For example, our insurance without a diagnosis only covers 20 sessions of speech and OT a year with a copay. With a diagnosis, we can do speech and OT DAILY and there’s no copay. Plus ABA is covered. But it did take a bit for the provider to figure out how our insurance wanted it to be coded to cover it.

ETA: we do have really good insurance in general., I’m in Florida too, where are you? I am south and we have a program that helps, before age 3 they get services free and then after 3 they work to transition them into an elementary school and get them an IEP., She might qualify for a state funded program that covers costs for mental health. For example: When my Son first started taking Ability the prescription was about $1500 a month. Her insurance wouldn’t cover it, so an agency called Cenpatico picked up the cost and covered it. That’s what the agency is called where I live here in Arizona, I don’t know if it would be called something else where you live . But if a Dr. deems the treatment/medications are necessary and your insurance won’t cover it, or you can’t afford it, they may be able to help on a sliding fee scale or for no cost. I would suggest calling any state funded mental health facilities in your area and see if there is a program like that that they are affiliated with. Good luck on your journey. My son is 16 and was diagnosed with autism when he was seven. It has been a long road, but he is doing very well. I know every child is different, and I know how devastating a diagnosis can be, but please try to remain positive and find all the help and resources that you can for your baby., Don't forget to use the HSA that likely comes with that high deductible, Doesn't apply to OP since this is for California, but leaving info here just in case someone from California ends up in this post.
If your income level is higher than Medi-Cal eligibility, you can request your Regional Center coordinator for Institutional Deeming for Medi-Cal., Thank you for sharing that. Although, her mother's income is much higher than what I see allowable on the Medicaid site. So I don't think it would apply to us, but I would love to be wrong, Absolutely agree with this. Our district's ONE public preschool is tuition based if over the income threshold (and we are WELL above it..by like $50k). But, since we had documentation, we were able to waive the tuition, saving us $600 monthly. My son also gets speech, OT and RTI interventions per his IEP, all free through the school!, Certain states you stay enrolled in EI until you’re 5, which makes way more sense bc then you start school. 

My son is aged out of EI at 3.5 and is currently receiving his therapies IN a school and through the city, but he doesn’t attend school if that makes sense. It’s pretty dumb honestly. It’ll be way better next year when he goes to the developmental day preschool and receives services through them., Thank you so much. Reading up on this now. It's quite hopeful!, Thank you for that. I will double check with her now. She was going to make the call this week, and we’ve been emailing each other what we are learning. So much to cover!, Yeah, we used $900 of her FSA to cover the eval bill., OP, it does apply. Its called a Medicaid waiver, its for folks who have autistic children and are above the income threshold. 

First apply for Medicaid, get denied, apply for waiver, submit proof of income/assets and then they will approve the waiver, If her mother has custody, Medicaid may not work out. If you have custody, it may. , There are resources available by state as well if you feel comfortable sharing that., [deleted], Just looked this up. The cutoff in our state (Florida) is March 31, 2024, and they only have 40,000 spots available. Hoping we can get this in quickly. Thank you so much for your comment!, Certain states this doesn’t really work for unfortunately. I’m in North Carolina and the waiver program (cap C) is only for kids whose diagnoses would land them in the hospital 4 times in 8 months. This was the one bit of criteria my son didn’t meet so I remember it. The other criteria he met through not being able to walk or feed himself. We were told by the waiver program rep specifically “autism doesn’t count to get you on this waiver program”. 

SSDI is the same shitty situation here bc they count the parents assets as the child’s. So, bc we own 2 cars and a house, my child doesn’t qualify for ssdi. If we were in South Carolina however, they look at the child’s personal assets separately from the parents. So as long as a child doesn’t have more than 2 thousand (I think that’s the number) then they get ssdi, thus qualifying them for Medicaid. 

I have a friend whose daughter is the same age with the same dx as my son and her experience with South Carolina has been amazing compared to my experience in NC., We live in Florida, I’m not disagreeing with you saying OP’s kid should be receiving therapy through the school system. Also, I’m very aware of how early intervention works from having a birth - K degree in childhood development and having a child with a severe disability. South Carolina early intervention goes until the child is 5 and starts kinder. 

Also, depending on the state their CDSA rep or whoever handled their early intervention should be able to help them get set up with school based services., Good on you for reaching out, this group can be a fantastic resource. Fingers crossed this process goes as smooth as possible for your family. Best of luck., Once you have the diagnosis, you can apply for Medicaid disability (not talking SSI) and that insurance should help with future costs., Are you in the US? At 3.5 she’s aged out of early intervention but she will still qualify for FREE services from your local public school system. You need to call whatever school she’d be attending for kindergarten and get her evaluated there to get an IEP set up, she can start receiving therapy from the school therapists before she’s enrolled., I have the same plan.  My ABA does a 12 month payment plan for my out of pocket. I do HSA to offset some of the other therapies.  Out of pocket is usually met by the March.  Usually end up getting a credit back from the ABA. Those cost add up pretty quick so you may reach the out of pocket sooner than you think.  Definitely look at the policy because in most cases a diagnosis will make the service limits not applicable to your child., Your child may be covered for more than you think through her regular insurance. A lot of states have special laws in place that cover an autism diagnosis and/or therapies. 

I called my insurance to ask about what was covered. Her diagnostic testing and weekly therapy were covered with no deductible or co-pay. 

You can also Google something like “Autism insurance coverage by state”., Do you have an insurance plan you can add her on for her secondary insurance? Not sure how that works with split households but may be worth checking out. Also, when our son was diagnosed we were on Medicaid, then lost coverage after the pandemic extension ended. We went on my husband's plan, and it didn't differentiate my son's medical stuff from anything else we do. In fact, everything has been covered for the most part, beside MY ADHD doctor, but he went out of network and I refuse to start over with someone else lol., Has mother called her insurance directly to ask about coverage with a diagnosis? For example, our insurance without a diagnosis only covers 20 sessions of speech and OT a year with a copay. With a diagnosis, we can do speech and OT DAILY and there’s no copay. Plus ABA is covered. But it did take a bit for the provider to figure out how our insurance wanted it to be coded to cover it.

ETA: we do have really good insurance in general., I’m in Florida too, where are you? I am south and we have a program that helps, before age 3 they get services free and then after 3 they work to transition them into an elementary school and get them an IEP., She might qualify for a state funded program that covers costs for mental health. For example: When my Son first started taking Ability the prescription was about $1500 a month. Her insurance wouldn’t cover it, so an agency called Cenpatico picked up the cost and covered it. That’s what the agency is called where I live here in Arizona, I don’t know if it would be called something else where you live . But if a Dr. deems the treatment/medications are necessary and your insurance won’t cover it, or you can’t afford it, they may be able to help on a sliding fee scale or for no cost. I would suggest calling any state funded mental health facilities in your area and see if there is a program like that that they are affiliated with. Good luck on your journey. My son is 16 and was diagnosed with autism when he was seven. It has been a long road, but he is doing very well. I know every child is different, and I know how devastating a diagnosis can be, but please try to remain positive and find all the help and resources that you can for your baby., Don't forget to use the HSA that likely comes with that high deductible, Doesn't apply to OP since this is for California, but leaving info here just in case someone from California ends up in this post.
If your income level is higher than Medi-Cal eligibility, you can request your Regional Center coordinator for Institutional Deeming for Medi-Cal., Thank you for sharing that. Although, her mother's income is much higher than what I see allowable on the Medicaid site. So I don't think it would apply to us, but I would love to be wrong, Absolutely agree with this. Our district's ONE public preschool is tuition based if over the income threshold (and we are WELL above it..by like $50k). But, since we had documentation, we were able to waive the tuition, saving us $600 monthly. My son also gets speech, OT and RTI interventions per his IEP, all free through the school!, Certain states you stay enrolled in EI until you’re 5, which makes way more sense bc then you start school. 

My son is aged out of EI at 3.5 and is currently receiving his therapies IN a school and through the city, but he doesn’t attend school if that makes sense. It’s pretty dumb honestly. It’ll be way better next year when he goes to the developmental day preschool and receives services through them., Thank you so much. Reading up on this now. It's quite hopeful!, Thank you for that. I will double check with her now. She was going to make the call this week, and we’ve been emailing each other what we are learning. So much to cover!, Yeah, we used $900 of her FSA to cover the eval bill., OP, it does apply. Its called a Medicaid waiver, its for folks who have autistic children and are above the income threshold. 

First apply for Medicaid, get denied, apply for waiver, submit proof of income/assets and then they will approve the waiver, If her mother has custody, Medicaid may not work out. If you have custody, it may. , There are resources available by state as well if you feel comfortable sharing that., [deleted], Just looked this up. The cutoff in our state (Florida) is March 31, 2024, and they only have 40,000 spots available. Hoping we can get this in quickly. Thank you so much for your comment!, Certain states this doesn’t really work for unfortunately. I’m in North Carolina and the waiver program (cap C) is only for kids whose diagnoses would land them in the hospital 4 times in 8 months. This was the one bit of criteria my son didn’t meet so I remember it. The other criteria he met through not being able to walk or feed himself. We were told by the waiver program rep specifically “autism doesn’t count to get you on this waiver program”. 

SSDI is the same shitty situation here bc they count the parents assets as the child’s. So, bc we own 2 cars and a house, my child doesn’t qualify for ssdi. If we were in South Carolina however, they look at the child’s personal assets separately from the parents. So as long as a child doesn’t have more than 2 thousand (I think that’s the number) then they get ssdi, thus qualifying them for Medicaid. 

I have a friend whose daughter is the same age with the same dx as my son and her experience with South Carolina has been amazing compared to my experience in NC., We live in Florida, I’m not disagreeing with you saying OP’s kid should be receiving therapy through the school system. Also, I’m very aware of how early intervention works from having a birth - K degree in childhood development and having a child with a severe disability. South Carolina early intervention goes until the child is 5 and starts kinder. 

Also, depending on the state their CDSA rep or whoever handled their early intervention should be able to help them get set up with school based services., Good on you for reaching out, this group can be a fantastic resource. Fingers crossed this process goes as smooth as possible for your family. Best of luck.",Support,Financial Support
"My 3 year old sometimes will scream and cry literally all day. She is non-speaking so I have no idea what’s going on and I try my best to guess but nothing I do helps her. Any advice? Anyone else going through this? I really feel like pulling my hair out sometimes. It’s so hard. I’m currently looking for respite but it’s hard to trust strangers. And my family has no interest in helping, even if I am offering to pay them. ","I apologize if you have already considered these possibilities, but I am unsure of what you have already tried. 

Could she be in pain, by chance? Kids with ASD are prone to gastrointestinal issues. It took me a long time to realize my boy has acid reflux. He is completely non verbal (he has no functional language at all). I figured it out because it must have gotten painful enough for him to start rubbing the area of your chest where heartburn would be. I tried a dose of mylanta and it improved his mood very quickly. 

I err on the side of treating for pain when he has a prolonged crying episode since he can't tell me if he has a headache, stomach ache, or any other ache. If the crying returns after the first dose wears off then I take him to urgent care or his doctor, depending on the time, to have his ears checked, etc. 

If it is just behavioral, it could be due to the constant frustration of not being able to articulate her thoughts. Does she have a speech therapist you could get suggestions from?

It could also be sensory related. I have had conversations with autistics who can speak who have told me that their hearing is so sensitive they can hear electricity in the wires, the buzzing of lights and all sorts of noises that most can't hear. Some autistics can see the lights flickering rapidly. There could be so many reasons for her cries. 

For a short term solution, can you get yourself some of those loops ear plugs? Or some other type of earplug (loops are pricey)? I do know how nerve-wracking the constant screaming and crying can be., Try everything outside of the box.  Start marking things off the list like she’s an infant.

Hungry, tired, cold, cold feet, cold head, hot, thirsty, bored, wanting attention, frustration from something earlier in the day, new childcare, therapy break, new therapist, 

Lastly a safe place for screaming.  My son’s room is his safe place.  Follow the same rules you have for a screaming infant.  Put your child in their safe space, close the door and just take a minute to breathe., This whole post is exactly my formula for when my little guy is screaming and crying., I apologize if you have already considered these possibilities, but I am unsure of what you have already tried. 

Could she be in pain, by chance? Kids with ASD are prone to gastrointestinal issues. It took me a long time to realize my boy has acid reflux. He is completely non verbal (he has no functional language at all). I figured it out because it must have gotten painful enough for him to start rubbing the area of your chest where heartburn would be. I tried a dose of mylanta and it improved his mood very quickly. 

I err on the side of treating for pain when he has a prolonged crying episode since he can't tell me if he has a headache, stomach ache, or any other ache. If the crying returns after the first dose wears off then I take him to urgent care or his doctor, depending on the time, to have his ears checked, etc. 

If it is just behavioral, it could be due to the constant frustration of not being able to articulate her thoughts. Does she have a speech therapist you could get suggestions from?

It could also be sensory related. I have had conversations with autistics who can speak who have told me that their hearing is so sensitive they can hear electricity in the wires, the buzzing of lights and all sorts of noises that most can't hear. Some autistics can see the lights flickering rapidly. There could be so many reasons for her cries. 

For a short term solution, can you get yourself some of those loops ear plugs? Or some other type of earplug (loops are pricey)? I do know how nerve-wracking the constant screaming and crying can be., Try everything outside of the box.  Start marking things off the list like she’s an infant.

Hungry, tired, cold, cold feet, cold head, hot, thirsty, bored, wanting attention, frustration from something earlier in the day, new childcare, therapy break, new therapist, 

Lastly a safe place for screaming.  My son’s room is his safe place.  Follow the same rules you have for a screaming infant.  Put your child in their safe space, close the door and just take a minute to breathe., This whole post is exactly my formula for when my little guy is screaming and crying., I apologize if you have already considered these possibilities, but I am unsure of what you have already tried. 

Could she be in pain, by chance? Kids with ASD are prone to gastrointestinal issues. It took me a long time to realize my boy has acid reflux. He is completely non verbal (he has no functional language at all). I figured it out because it must have gotten painful enough for him to start rubbing the area of your chest where heartburn would be. I tried a dose of mylanta and it improved his mood very quickly. 

I err on the side of treating for pain when he has a prolonged crying episode since he can't tell me if he has a headache, stomach ache, or any other ache. If the crying returns after the first dose wears off then I take him to urgent care or his doctor, depending on the time, to have his ears checked, etc. 

If it is just behavioral, it could be due to the constant frustration of not being able to articulate her thoughts. Does she have a speech therapist you could get suggestions from?

It could also be sensory related. I have had conversations with autistics who can speak who have told me that their hearing is so sensitive they can hear electricity in the wires, the buzzing of lights and all sorts of noises that most can't hear. Some autistics can see the lights flickering rapidly. There could be so many reasons for her cries. 

For a short term solution, can you get yourself some of those loops ear plugs? Or some other type of earplug (loops are pricey)? I do know how nerve-wracking the constant screaming and crying can be., Try everything outside of the box.  Start marking things off the list like she’s an infant.

Hungry, tired, cold, cold feet, cold head, hot, thirsty, bored, wanting attention, frustration from something earlier in the day, new childcare, therapy break, new therapist, 

Lastly a safe place for screaming.  My son’s room is his safe place.  Follow the same rules you have for a screaming infant.  Put your child in their safe space, close the door and just take a minute to breathe., This whole post is exactly my formula for when my little guy is screaming and crying., I apologize if you have already considered these possibilities, but I am unsure of what you have already tried. 

Could she be in pain, by chance? Kids with ASD are prone to gastrointestinal issues. It took me a long time to realize my boy has acid reflux. He is completely non verbal (he has no functional language at all). I figured it out because it must have gotten painful enough for him to start rubbing the area of your chest where heartburn would be. I tried a dose of mylanta and it improved his mood very quickly. 

I err on the side of treating for pain when he has a prolonged crying episode since he can't tell me if he has a headache, stomach ache, or any other ache. If the crying returns after the first dose wears off then I take him to urgent care or his doctor, depending on the time, to have his ears checked, etc. 

If it is just behavioral, it could be due to the constant frustration of not being able to articulate her thoughts. Does she have a speech therapist you could get suggestions from?

It could also be sensory related. I have had conversations with autistics who can speak who have told me that their hearing is so sensitive they can hear electricity in the wires, the buzzing of lights and all sorts of noises that most can't hear. Some autistics can see the lights flickering rapidly. There could be so many reasons for her cries. 

For a short term solution, can you get yourself some of those loops ear plugs? Or some other type of earplug (loops are pricey)? I do know how nerve-wracking the constant screaming and crying can be., Try everything outside of the box.  Start marking things off the list like she’s an infant.

Hungry, tired, cold, cold feet, cold head, hot, thirsty, bored, wanting attention, frustration from something earlier in the day, new childcare, therapy break, new therapist, 

Lastly a safe place for screaming.  My son’s room is his safe place.  Follow the same rules you have for a screaming infant.  Put your child in their safe space, close the door and just take a minute to breathe., This whole post is exactly my formula for when my little guy is screaming and crying.",Support,Parental Support
"Hi everyone I’m coming on here as a worried momma yet again. My son had a neurology appointment today I was able to share with the neurologist the videos I’ve capture of my son showing his concerning eye movements (zoning out, flickering eye, eyes rapidly moving side to size) and sure enough dr. recommend and MRI and EEG for possible seizure activity. Said they’re going to have to sedate him for it.💔 I’m so torn up right now and worried sick. If anyone has any encouraging words or advice if you’ve been through something similar please feel free to share ","Let the professionals help you. Take one day at a time. Get yourself a massage so you can take care of yourself before helping your son. Hugs coming your way ❤️❤️❤️, No advice just know you're not alone. We have ours next Wednesday., It is better to know than to wonder and worry. Knowledge is power. We will be thinking of you. Please report back if you feel called to and let us know what you find. Sending love., If you believe in the power of prayer, manifesting positivity, or just sending positive thoughts I am asking kindly💕, Hello. My son is 10 now, but we went through this too. It took a long time to capture it because he hates hats and would always pull at the EEG. He's also been sedated on multiple occasions with no issue. Granted, this is only circumstantial, but I'm confident in saying it's going to be a pain in the ass but everything is going to be ok. Weirdly, once our son started his epilepsy medication, we saw a huge jump in how lucid he was and jumps and leaps in skills. I know it's scary, but you got this., Ours had seizures around the same age and had to do the same tests, honestly all the drs who work with this age group are usually awesome and you're doing a great job just by getting it all checked out. It's super stressful but i'm sending positive thoughts your way! You're not alone, answers will help and it gets better., There is no need to sedate someone for eeg (did it many times with our son, the procedure requires the kid to be awake for some of it, ideally to follow some instructions like look where they're asked to, and then to fall asleep). As for mri we managed to do it to a baby being awake at around 1yo on 3 Tesla machine. So if there are multiple clinics available for you and you don't want to use sedation it might be worth finding out the options they offer. However these evaluations are very important and you'll do right by your kid by doing them even if mild sedation is required. I was very afraid of it too but we saw no bad side effects when our son had to do a minor surgery with it at 6yo., my son is 2.8 I have also noticed absence like seizures in him. My pcp told me, while my son is having this catatonic zone out to either pinch their nose or touch their eyelid / eyelash. if they respond, then it is not an absence seizure but if not that could mean something deeper is going on. we had an eeg done for him, but i was unsatisfied with the results because my son tore it off his head and understandably melted down. the person doing the test was impatient and only put it on for 10 minutes and he was awake screaming. I am going back to ask for either a sleep study or mri. i hope everything turns out ok 💜, My daughter had an EEG and MRI last month. The EEG was so so easy. I just brought a sippy cup for her to drink and we watched Ms Rachel on my phone. The worst part of it was trying to get all the goop out of her hair afterward. 
For the MRI she needed sedation so they did a medication that they squirted up her nose. They said if she were a little older than they would have went straight to IV sedation, but I was trying to save her from getting poked with a needle. So with your child being 3 they might go straight to IV sedation. Either way, it goes by quick and then it’s done. Don’t stress about it., Thank you for taking the time to reply!❤️, EEGs aren't very fun sensory wise, and that's nothing you can change without messing up the procedure. If OPs son can't handle that, sedation might be better than not doing it at all. MRIs without sedation are easier for infants than toddlers, as those are easier to put to sleep, but it can be possible in toddlers depending on the child and how still they need to lie for the specific image. 

It's ideal to avoid sedation, of course, but in the end getting the evaluation done is the most important. There'll be an anesthesiologist on site to make sure the child is safe, and especially for the EEG it likely won't have to be full sedation but something to calm his discomfort., Let the professionals help you. Take one day at a time. Get yourself a massage so you can take care of yourself before helping your son. Hugs coming your way ❤️❤️❤️, No advice just know you're not alone. We have ours next Wednesday., It is better to know than to wonder and worry. Knowledge is power. We will be thinking of you. Please report back if you feel called to and let us know what you find. Sending love., If you believe in the power of prayer, manifesting positivity, or just sending positive thoughts I am asking kindly💕, Hello. My son is 10 now, but we went through this too. It took a long time to capture it because he hates hats and would always pull at the EEG. He's also been sedated on multiple occasions with no issue. Granted, this is only circumstantial, but I'm confident in saying it's going to be a pain in the ass but everything is going to be ok. Weirdly, once our son started his epilepsy medication, we saw a huge jump in how lucid he was and jumps and leaps in skills. I know it's scary, but you got this., Ours had seizures around the same age and had to do the same tests, honestly all the drs who work with this age group are usually awesome and you're doing a great job just by getting it all checked out. It's super stressful but i'm sending positive thoughts your way! You're not alone, answers will help and it gets better., There is no need to sedate someone for eeg (did it many times with our son, the procedure requires the kid to be awake for some of it, ideally to follow some instructions like look where they're asked to, and then to fall asleep). As for mri we managed to do it to a baby being awake at around 1yo on 3 Tesla machine. So if there are multiple clinics available for you and you don't want to use sedation it might be worth finding out the options they offer. However these evaluations are very important and you'll do right by your kid by doing them even if mild sedation is required. I was very afraid of it too but we saw no bad side effects when our son had to do a minor surgery with it at 6yo., my son is 2.8 I have also noticed absence like seizures in him. My pcp told me, while my son is having this catatonic zone out to either pinch their nose or touch their eyelid / eyelash. if they respond, then it is not an absence seizure but if not that could mean something deeper is going on. we had an eeg done for him, but i was unsatisfied with the results because my son tore it off his head and understandably melted down. the person doing the test was impatient and only put it on for 10 minutes and he was awake screaming. I am going back to ask for either a sleep study or mri. i hope everything turns out ok 💜, My daughter had an EEG and MRI last month. The EEG was so so easy. I just brought a sippy cup for her to drink and we watched Ms Rachel on my phone. The worst part of it was trying to get all the goop out of her hair afterward. 
For the MRI she needed sedation so they did a medication that they squirted up her nose. They said if she were a little older than they would have went straight to IV sedation, but I was trying to save her from getting poked with a needle. So with your child being 3 they might go straight to IV sedation. Either way, it goes by quick and then it’s done. Don’t stress about it., Thank you for taking the time to reply!❤️, EEGs aren't very fun sensory wise, and that's nothing you can change without messing up the procedure. If OPs son can't handle that, sedation might be better than not doing it at all. MRIs without sedation are easier for infants than toddlers, as those are easier to put to sleep, but it can be possible in toddlers depending on the child and how still they need to lie for the specific image. 

It's ideal to avoid sedation, of course, but in the end getting the evaluation done is the most important. There'll be an anesthesiologist on site to make sure the child is safe, and especially for the EEG it likely won't have to be full sedation but something to calm his discomfort., Let the professionals help you. Take one day at a time. Get yourself a massage so you can take care of yourself before helping your son. Hugs coming your way ❤️❤️❤️, No advice just know you're not alone. We have ours next Wednesday., It is better to know than to wonder and worry. Knowledge is power. We will be thinking of you. Please report back if you feel called to and let us know what you find. Sending love., If you believe in the power of prayer, manifesting positivity, or just sending positive thoughts I am asking kindly💕, Hello. My son is 10 now, but we went through this too. It took a long time to capture it because he hates hats and would always pull at the EEG. He's also been sedated on multiple occasions with no issue. Granted, this is only circumstantial, but I'm confident in saying it's going to be a pain in the ass but everything is going to be ok. Weirdly, once our son started his epilepsy medication, we saw a huge jump in how lucid he was and jumps and leaps in skills. I know it's scary, but you got this., Ours had seizures around the same age and had to do the same tests, honestly all the drs who work with this age group are usually awesome and you're doing a great job just by getting it all checked out. It's super stressful but i'm sending positive thoughts your way! You're not alone, answers will help and it gets better., There is no need to sedate someone for eeg (did it many times with our son, the procedure requires the kid to be awake for some of it, ideally to follow some instructions like look where they're asked to, and then to fall asleep). As for mri we managed to do it to a baby being awake at around 1yo on 3 Tesla machine. So if there are multiple clinics available for you and you don't want to use sedation it might be worth finding out the options they offer. However these evaluations are very important and you'll do right by your kid by doing them even if mild sedation is required. I was very afraid of it too but we saw no bad side effects when our son had to do a minor surgery with it at 6yo., my son is 2.8 I have also noticed absence like seizures in him. My pcp told me, while my son is having this catatonic zone out to either pinch their nose or touch their eyelid / eyelash. if they respond, then it is not an absence seizure but if not that could mean something deeper is going on. we had an eeg done for him, but i was unsatisfied with the results because my son tore it off his head and understandably melted down. the person doing the test was impatient and only put it on for 10 minutes and he was awake screaming. I am going back to ask for either a sleep study or mri. i hope everything turns out ok 💜, My daughter had an EEG and MRI last month. The EEG was so so easy. I just brought a sippy cup for her to drink and we watched Ms Rachel on my phone. The worst part of it was trying to get all the goop out of her hair afterward. 
For the MRI she needed sedation so they did a medication that they squirted up her nose. They said if she were a little older than they would have went straight to IV sedation, but I was trying to save her from getting poked with a needle. So with your child being 3 they might go straight to IV sedation. Either way, it goes by quick and then it’s done. Don’t stress about it., Thank you for taking the time to reply!❤️, EEGs aren't very fun sensory wise, and that's nothing you can change without messing up the procedure. If OPs son can't handle that, sedation might be better than not doing it at all. MRIs without sedation are easier for infants than toddlers, as those are easier to put to sleep, but it can be possible in toddlers depending on the child and how still they need to lie for the specific image. 

It's ideal to avoid sedation, of course, but in the end getting the evaluation done is the most important. There'll be an anesthesiologist on site to make sure the child is safe, and especially for the EEG it likely won't have to be full sedation but something to calm his discomfort., Let the professionals help you. Take one day at a time. Get yourself a massage so you can take care of yourself before helping your son. Hugs coming your way ❤️❤️❤️, No advice just know you're not alone. We have ours next Wednesday., It is better to know than to wonder and worry. Knowledge is power. We will be thinking of you. Please report back if you feel called to and let us know what you find. Sending love., If you believe in the power of prayer, manifesting positivity, or just sending positive thoughts I am asking kindly💕, Hello. My son is 10 now, but we went through this too. It took a long time to capture it because he hates hats and would always pull at the EEG. He's also been sedated on multiple occasions with no issue. Granted, this is only circumstantial, but I'm confident in saying it's going to be a pain in the ass but everything is going to be ok. Weirdly, once our son started his epilepsy medication, we saw a huge jump in how lucid he was and jumps and leaps in skills. I know it's scary, but you got this., Ours had seizures around the same age and had to do the same tests, honestly all the drs who work with this age group are usually awesome and you're doing a great job just by getting it all checked out. It's super stressful but i'm sending positive thoughts your way! You're not alone, answers will help and it gets better., There is no need to sedate someone for eeg (did it many times with our son, the procedure requires the kid to be awake for some of it, ideally to follow some instructions like look where they're asked to, and then to fall asleep). As for mri we managed to do it to a baby being awake at around 1yo on 3 Tesla machine. So if there are multiple clinics available for you and you don't want to use sedation it might be worth finding out the options they offer. However these evaluations are very important and you'll do right by your kid by doing them even if mild sedation is required. I was very afraid of it too but we saw no bad side effects when our son had to do a minor surgery with it at 6yo., my son is 2.8 I have also noticed absence like seizures in him. My pcp told me, while my son is having this catatonic zone out to either pinch their nose or touch their eyelid / eyelash. if they respond, then it is not an absence seizure but if not that could mean something deeper is going on. we had an eeg done for him, but i was unsatisfied with the results because my son tore it off his head and understandably melted down. the person doing the test was impatient and only put it on for 10 minutes and he was awake screaming. I am going back to ask for either a sleep study or mri. i hope everything turns out ok 💜, My daughter had an EEG and MRI last month. The EEG was so so easy. I just brought a sippy cup for her to drink and we watched Ms Rachel on my phone. The worst part of it was trying to get all the goop out of her hair afterward. 
For the MRI she needed sedation so they did a medication that they squirted up her nose. They said if she were a little older than they would have went straight to IV sedation, but I was trying to save her from getting poked with a needle. So with your child being 3 they might go straight to IV sedation. Either way, it goes by quick and then it’s done. Don’t stress about it., Thank you for taking the time to reply!❤️, EEGs aren't very fun sensory wise, and that's nothing you can change without messing up the procedure. If OPs son can't handle that, sedation might be better than not doing it at all. MRIs without sedation are easier for infants than toddlers, as those are easier to put to sleep, but it can be possible in toddlers depending on the child and how still they need to lie for the specific image. 

It's ideal to avoid sedation, of course, but in the end getting the evaluation done is the most important. There'll be an anesthesiologist on site to make sure the child is safe, and especially for the EEG it likely won't have to be full sedation but something to calm his discomfort.",Support,Parental Support
"Hi all, this'll be quite lengthy... but as I have no other kids / none of my friends do and it's difficult for me to judge how severe my sons' symptoms are... or what could I do to make things more easy for him.

I'm a father of a 3 year old who is on the spectrum - we're mid diagnosis, but we can clearly see he's on the spectrum - over the last month his stimming (mostly rubbing around his mouth, making weird gestures most of the time if not doing something, lying / rubbing his head on the bed, making weird noises etc.) has gotten noticably worse and I feel that he's stimming most of the time. 

He's not really interested in other kids - it's a challenge to get him to ask someone their name, I can recall one situation when a little girl asked him for his, he said ""I'm ashamed"" and turned to me... most of the time he likes other adults that were properly introduced to him (not strangers). He speaks, though recently he's very frequently answering ""I don't know / I don't want to talk about this / I dislike it"" even for questions such as ""what do you want to eat"" or ""what did you do with grandma"". Sometimes I wonder if he's actually speaking, or if he's just repeating phrases... probably a mix of both, but generally I'd say it's rare for him to start a conversation - he can be quite descriptive, as long as he's not overloaded / unhappy. sometimes I need to ask him 4-5 times the same question to get any reply from him. He can really make some wonderous statements (usually before going to bed, when he's more relaxed than during the day):

me: how was your play with grandma, did you have fun?

him: I don't know. it was weird.

me: Grandma was weird?

him: no. grandma was looking for books, couldn't find them, but you came and found them - that was weird.

He has difficulties with dealing with negative emotions - he gets a bit agitated if I say, hurt my toe and I am visibly upset about it (no swearwords, but just me saying things like oh darn, it *hurts* so much), when he asks me to stop doing that. Lately a lot of things agitate him, especially dressing up (undressing is ok, unless he gets stuck on his socks which he sometimes tend to do) - it can cause a 10-15 min meltdown of crying and shouting that he doesn't want to and that it hurts to dress up. thankfully he doesn't have any aggressive behaviors towards himself or others. He gets really upset if he gets dirty / wet (for example by spilling water on himself) - sometimes he'll start crying and will want to change clothes immediately, sometimes he won't say much about it but will start stimming.

He has several favourite subjects, his first one was letters (he knows several alphabets, including Ukrainian, Russian and a bit of Japanese), recently he's hyperfocusing on flags and maps (but mostly flags) - he can probably name all flags in the world apart from Puertorico which doesn't stick for some reason. He likes numbers too, he can count to hundred, and add / substract by 1. He likes animals and flowers, but not to the extent of flags which have dominated most of his daily activities recently.

He enjoys puffin rock (we let him watch 9-18 minutes of it every few days), but whether he'll tell us what the episode was about is completly random, he can give a very broad description of an episode, or say that he ""doesn't know"".

Most of the time he doesn't pretend play, and if he does it's mostly as per scripts I've taught him - animals pretending to introduce to eachother, feeding animals with makebelieve food etc. He likes ""playing"" piano - he memorized some basic songs like frere jacques, and he likes that we marked notes with letter on the keyboard (he doesn't need to look at the letters to play though).

I love him very much and I'm really concerned as to how his future will look like... we're going to therapy next week with him to find out some ways to support him... I just wish he wasn't so sad as he is of late (last month he's been really down most of the time without telling us why). Has therapy helped your kids? should I try to broaden his interests or should I help him develop the current ones? How were you able to differentiate whether your kids are able to communicate or if they're just repeating phrases?

I'm not looking for any golden solution as I know there isn't any... just curious how it's with your kids.

thank you all. ","I have a son who is 8 and sounds similar to your little one. I have not gotten a diagnosis,  as when he was 3 and went to a screening,  they said he was fine. Knowing what I know now from my youngest who is diagnosed, I know my 8 yr old has ASD also. At 3, he did not talk very much, except he was an expert at making phrases that he heard fit the situation. Once, after watching my family use our new Alexa remote to get videos we wanted on TV, he pressed the button and said, ""Alexa, grapes."" He also lined things up, exhibited serious sensory seeking behavior, and had verbal and physical stimming behaviors.

He has had various special interests. At 3 it was the alphabet and numbers, 4 to 5 planets, moons, and all things space, 6 it was gaming and game characters, 7 it was emergency signals in different countries and flags, now it is Sonic the Hedgehog and rocks and gemstones. 

He started school during the pandemic and went virtually. He did ok, but he would get frustrated with all the waiting. He did start talking more during this time and became interested in other kids. When he was able to start in person at 6, he had an adjustment period, but now he is doing much better. He can have conversations, but still scripts sometimes. I think he picks up phrases he likes from kids at school and videos, and waits for an opportunity to use them. He is still not great at telling you events in sequence or telling you about his day or incidents that happen, but we just keep practicing with him.

Your little one sounds like he is on his way to communicating better. School made a big difference for my older son. Don't think stimming means your son is unhappy. Both of my children stim the most when they are enjoying themselves., Your son sounds Incredily intelligent, especially in his interests, that's a powerful tool for later I'm his life. I understand your worries but I suggest trying out different coping mechanisms with him to try and deal with the situations that really bother him, I've learned many since I was young, where I used to struggle communicating my overstimulation, I know recognise it instantly. Obviously it's not guaranteed this will happen but I'm confident in both you and your son that he can be successful and happy.

Edit: as for the speech thing, it's likely he's repeating phrases he's heard or is just used to saying as a failsafe to a question. I had many phrases when I was younger and even still have some random ones I say to myself lol. It's very normal behaviour, but make sure to always teach him proper ways to communicate, I would've been fucked had my mother not taught me various ways and rules to communicate, How heartbreaking to hear your boy at 3 say something like I feel ashamed. My daughter goes through times like this too. It’s like our kids know they’re different and they don’t want to be but they don’t know how not to be. She’s much older than your son (nearly 13) so this may not apply but I think getting a diagnosis, going to school with other kids with ASD and getting appropriate support has done a world of good. You’re a good parent; you clearly love and want to support him and I think by virtue of that you WILL., All of that sounds like ASD, particularly the poor interoception.

Successful neurodivergent adults exist. We are your friends, neighbors, coworkers, PTA members and fellow redditors. We may not always wear that label due to stigma, but it's important to say we are there, and it often looks like regular Joe. There are tons of married, job holding people getting diagnosed late in life too - so we really are just regular people you know.

I'd advise you to seek out some content on Instagram or with a neuroafferiming therapist cuz many are diagnosed themselves. My husband's therapist is married with kids and ASD. Just knowing she and others exist normalizes it, and shows you what it looks like. While the therapist doesn't make a ton of eye contact, she runs her own business, makes a good income and is successfully married with kids, which is badass. I mean...isn't that the definition of being a successful adult?, I just want to say my son sounds very similar to yours. Loved letters and flags! We also dipped our toes into maps but flags were more favored for him too. He is 5, I started him in kindergarten instead of red-shirting him even though he is the youngest in his class. I did that because he is so bright and hyperlexic, like your son sounds to be. I kind of regret that, because we are having so many issues socially and self-regulation wise at school. 

I know that traditional school and the world at large is not made for people with his neurotype. I struggle with working within the parameters of our current society and systems and wanting to prepare him for the world. Like you, I came to reddit tonight trying to search for the answer, “will my child be ok?” I don’t know if that thought ever leaves our brains at any point., Thanks for your reply, it’s really good and reassuring  to hear that your son is doing alright.

Re: stimming and being unhappy - I maybe made it seem overly connected, but last three weeks my sons been really… passive, nothing seemed to cause him joy, he would mostly say he doesn’t know anything and wouldn’t engage in other activities for more than few mins, then back to laying on the bed and stimming. Possibly he’s been unhappy because he ran out of flag stickers (mood downgrade soon followed, getting new ones didn’t help) Last few days have been better though… it’s still sad not to know what’s up and how to make him feel happier., Trust me, I was in tears when I heard him say that… thank you for your kind words., This is very reassuring, I mean I mostly work with IT folk where neurodiversity is not rare nor really frowned upon, then again one only might wonder what can I do for my boy to make sure he could be self reliant one day regardless what vocation might it entail., Thanks for sharing, I too feel I will never stop asking myself this question too, I understand,  sorry. Yes, trying to think of what has changed recently in his activities,  routine, home environment may help. My children are primarily sensory seeking, but my youngest who just turned 4 gets overwhelmed from time to time. At certain times during the day, he will go to his quiet spot in my master bedroom closet. He will quietly sit there and look at his fingers or watch tablet. It is the place in the house where you hear the least household noises. I find even the sound of the dishwasher and washer and dryer bother him, not to mention all the other people in the house and the lights. Alot of times he wants to be alone too. Is there a reason he might be becoming overwhelmed? There may be something, he just doesn't have the words to describe. Maybe reading some books about feelings could give him more words to describe it to you. I used to enjoy using social-emotional cards with my son. It seemed to help if we weren't talking about his feelings. This helped him to learn different feeling words. Or he would sometimes use pictures, like broken hearts to tell me how he felt., Thank you, and no need for being sorry at all. I honestly don’t know, from my pov nothing has changed around the household… maybe it’s tad brighter as spring is coming? The biggest downside is that he used to be very „huggy”, but not anymore, he still likes to hug my wife, not the way it was before though. 
We’ve been introducing some books about emotions and he likes them very much but I haven’t thought of the cards, thank you for this tip!, I have a son who is 8 and sounds similar to your little one. I have not gotten a diagnosis,  as when he was 3 and went to a screening,  they said he was fine. Knowing what I know now from my youngest who is diagnosed, I know my 8 yr old has ASD also. At 3, he did not talk very much, except he was an expert at making phrases that he heard fit the situation. Once, after watching my family use our new Alexa remote to get videos we wanted on TV, he pressed the button and said, ""Alexa, grapes."" He also lined things up, exhibited serious sensory seeking behavior, and had verbal and physical stimming behaviors.

He has had various special interests. At 3 it was the alphabet and numbers, 4 to 5 planets, moons, and all things space, 6 it was gaming and game characters, 7 it was emergency signals in different countries and flags, now it is Sonic the Hedgehog and rocks and gemstones. 

He started school during the pandemic and went virtually. He did ok, but he would get frustrated with all the waiting. He did start talking more during this time and became interested in other kids. When he was able to start in person at 6, he had an adjustment period, but now he is doing much better. He can have conversations, but still scripts sometimes. I think he picks up phrases he likes from kids at school and videos, and waits for an opportunity to use them. He is still not great at telling you events in sequence or telling you about his day or incidents that happen, but we just keep practicing with him.

Your little one sounds like he is on his way to communicating better. School made a big difference for my older son. Don't think stimming means your son is unhappy. Both of my children stim the most when they are enjoying themselves., Your son sounds Incredily intelligent, especially in his interests, that's a powerful tool for later I'm his life. I understand your worries but I suggest trying out different coping mechanisms with him to try and deal with the situations that really bother him, I've learned many since I was young, where I used to struggle communicating my overstimulation, I know recognise it instantly. Obviously it's not guaranteed this will happen but I'm confident in both you and your son that he can be successful and happy.

Edit: as for the speech thing, it's likely he's repeating phrases he's heard or is just used to saying as a failsafe to a question. I had many phrases when I was younger and even still have some random ones I say to myself lol. It's very normal behaviour, but make sure to always teach him proper ways to communicate, I would've been fucked had my mother not taught me various ways and rules to communicate, How heartbreaking to hear your boy at 3 say something like I feel ashamed. My daughter goes through times like this too. It’s like our kids know they’re different and they don’t want to be but they don’t know how not to be. She’s much older than your son (nearly 13) so this may not apply but I think getting a diagnosis, going to school with other kids with ASD and getting appropriate support has done a world of good. You’re a good parent; you clearly love and want to support him and I think by virtue of that you WILL., All of that sounds like ASD, particularly the poor interoception.

Successful neurodivergent adults exist. We are your friends, neighbors, coworkers, PTA members and fellow redditors. We may not always wear that label due to stigma, but it's important to say we are there, and it often looks like regular Joe. There are tons of married, job holding people getting diagnosed late in life too - so we really are just regular people you know.

I'd advise you to seek out some content on Instagram or with a neuroafferiming therapist cuz many are diagnosed themselves. My husband's therapist is married with kids and ASD. Just knowing she and others exist normalizes it, and shows you what it looks like. While the therapist doesn't make a ton of eye contact, she runs her own business, makes a good income and is successfully married with kids, which is badass. I mean...isn't that the definition of being a successful adult?, I just want to say my son sounds very similar to yours. Loved letters and flags! We also dipped our toes into maps but flags were more favored for him too. He is 5, I started him in kindergarten instead of red-shirting him even though he is the youngest in his class. I did that because he is so bright and hyperlexic, like your son sounds to be. I kind of regret that, because we are having so many issues socially and self-regulation wise at school. 

I know that traditional school and the world at large is not made for people with his neurotype. I struggle with working within the parameters of our current society and systems and wanting to prepare him for the world. Like you, I came to reddit tonight trying to search for the answer, “will my child be ok?” I don’t know if that thought ever leaves our brains at any point., Thanks for your reply, it’s really good and reassuring  to hear that your son is doing alright.

Re: stimming and being unhappy - I maybe made it seem overly connected, but last three weeks my sons been really… passive, nothing seemed to cause him joy, he would mostly say he doesn’t know anything and wouldn’t engage in other activities for more than few mins, then back to laying on the bed and stimming. Possibly he’s been unhappy because he ran out of flag stickers (mood downgrade soon followed, getting new ones didn’t help) Last few days have been better though… it’s still sad not to know what’s up and how to make him feel happier., Trust me, I was in tears when I heard him say that… thank you for your kind words., This is very reassuring, I mean I mostly work with IT folk where neurodiversity is not rare nor really frowned upon, then again one only might wonder what can I do for my boy to make sure he could be self reliant one day regardless what vocation might it entail., Thanks for sharing, I too feel I will never stop asking myself this question too, I understand,  sorry. Yes, trying to think of what has changed recently in his activities,  routine, home environment may help. My children are primarily sensory seeking, but my youngest who just turned 4 gets overwhelmed from time to time. At certain times during the day, he will go to his quiet spot in my master bedroom closet. He will quietly sit there and look at his fingers or watch tablet. It is the place in the house where you hear the least household noises. I find even the sound of the dishwasher and washer and dryer bother him, not to mention all the other people in the house and the lights. Alot of times he wants to be alone too. Is there a reason he might be becoming overwhelmed? There may be something, he just doesn't have the words to describe. Maybe reading some books about feelings could give him more words to describe it to you. I used to enjoy using social-emotional cards with my son. It seemed to help if we weren't talking about his feelings. This helped him to learn different feeling words. Or he would sometimes use pictures, like broken hearts to tell me how he felt., Thank you, and no need for being sorry at all. I honestly don’t know, from my pov nothing has changed around the household… maybe it’s tad brighter as spring is coming? The biggest downside is that he used to be very „huggy”, but not anymore, he still likes to hug my wife, not the way it was before though. 
We’ve been introducing some books about emotions and he likes them very much but I haven’t thought of the cards, thank you for this tip!, I have a son who is 8 and sounds similar to your little one. I have not gotten a diagnosis,  as when he was 3 and went to a screening,  they said he was fine. Knowing what I know now from my youngest who is diagnosed, I know my 8 yr old has ASD also. At 3, he did not talk very much, except he was an expert at making phrases that he heard fit the situation. Once, after watching my family use our new Alexa remote to get videos we wanted on TV, he pressed the button and said, ""Alexa, grapes."" He also lined things up, exhibited serious sensory seeking behavior, and had verbal and physical stimming behaviors.

He has had various special interests. At 3 it was the alphabet and numbers, 4 to 5 planets, moons, and all things space, 6 it was gaming and game characters, 7 it was emergency signals in different countries and flags, now it is Sonic the Hedgehog and rocks and gemstones. 

He started school during the pandemic and went virtually. He did ok, but he would get frustrated with all the waiting. He did start talking more during this time and became interested in other kids. When he was able to start in person at 6, he had an adjustment period, but now he is doing much better. He can have conversations, but still scripts sometimes. I think he picks up phrases he likes from kids at school and videos, and waits for an opportunity to use them. He is still not great at telling you events in sequence or telling you about his day or incidents that happen, but we just keep practicing with him.

Your little one sounds like he is on his way to communicating better. School made a big difference for my older son. Don't think stimming means your son is unhappy. Both of my children stim the most when they are enjoying themselves., Your son sounds Incredily intelligent, especially in his interests, that's a powerful tool for later I'm his life. I understand your worries but I suggest trying out different coping mechanisms with him to try and deal with the situations that really bother him, I've learned many since I was young, where I used to struggle communicating my overstimulation, I know recognise it instantly. Obviously it's not guaranteed this will happen but I'm confident in both you and your son that he can be successful and happy.

Edit: as for the speech thing, it's likely he's repeating phrases he's heard or is just used to saying as a failsafe to a question. I had many phrases when I was younger and even still have some random ones I say to myself lol. It's very normal behaviour, but make sure to always teach him proper ways to communicate, I would've been fucked had my mother not taught me various ways and rules to communicate, How heartbreaking to hear your boy at 3 say something like I feel ashamed. My daughter goes through times like this too. It’s like our kids know they’re different and they don’t want to be but they don’t know how not to be. She’s much older than your son (nearly 13) so this may not apply but I think getting a diagnosis, going to school with other kids with ASD and getting appropriate support has done a world of good. You’re a good parent; you clearly love and want to support him and I think by virtue of that you WILL., All of that sounds like ASD, particularly the poor interoception.

Successful neurodivergent adults exist. We are your friends, neighbors, coworkers, PTA members and fellow redditors. We may not always wear that label due to stigma, but it's important to say we are there, and it often looks like regular Joe. There are tons of married, job holding people getting diagnosed late in life too - so we really are just regular people you know.

I'd advise you to seek out some content on Instagram or with a neuroafferiming therapist cuz many are diagnosed themselves. My husband's therapist is married with kids and ASD. Just knowing she and others exist normalizes it, and shows you what it looks like. While the therapist doesn't make a ton of eye contact, she runs her own business, makes a good income and is successfully married with kids, which is badass. I mean...isn't that the definition of being a successful adult?, I just want to say my son sounds very similar to yours. Loved letters and flags! We also dipped our toes into maps but flags were more favored for him too. He is 5, I started him in kindergarten instead of red-shirting him even though he is the youngest in his class. I did that because he is so bright and hyperlexic, like your son sounds to be. I kind of regret that, because we are having so many issues socially and self-regulation wise at school. 

I know that traditional school and the world at large is not made for people with his neurotype. I struggle with working within the parameters of our current society and systems and wanting to prepare him for the world. Like you, I came to reddit tonight trying to search for the answer, “will my child be ok?” I don’t know if that thought ever leaves our brains at any point., Thanks for your reply, it’s really good and reassuring  to hear that your son is doing alright.

Re: stimming and being unhappy - I maybe made it seem overly connected, but last three weeks my sons been really… passive, nothing seemed to cause him joy, he would mostly say he doesn’t know anything and wouldn’t engage in other activities for more than few mins, then back to laying on the bed and stimming. Possibly he’s been unhappy because he ran out of flag stickers (mood downgrade soon followed, getting new ones didn’t help) Last few days have been better though… it’s still sad not to know what’s up and how to make him feel happier., Trust me, I was in tears when I heard him say that… thank you for your kind words., This is very reassuring, I mean I mostly work with IT folk where neurodiversity is not rare nor really frowned upon, then again one only might wonder what can I do for my boy to make sure he could be self reliant one day regardless what vocation might it entail., Thanks for sharing, I too feel I will never stop asking myself this question too, I understand,  sorry. Yes, trying to think of what has changed recently in his activities,  routine, home environment may help. My children are primarily sensory seeking, but my youngest who just turned 4 gets overwhelmed from time to time. At certain times during the day, he will go to his quiet spot in my master bedroom closet. He will quietly sit there and look at his fingers or watch tablet. It is the place in the house where you hear the least household noises. I find even the sound of the dishwasher and washer and dryer bother him, not to mention all the other people in the house and the lights. Alot of times he wants to be alone too. Is there a reason he might be becoming overwhelmed? There may be something, he just doesn't have the words to describe. Maybe reading some books about feelings could give him more words to describe it to you. I used to enjoy using social-emotional cards with my son. It seemed to help if we weren't talking about his feelings. This helped him to learn different feeling words. Or he would sometimes use pictures, like broken hearts to tell me how he felt., Thank you, and no need for being sorry at all. I honestly don’t know, from my pov nothing has changed around the household… maybe it’s tad brighter as spring is coming? The biggest downside is that he used to be very „huggy”, but not anymore, he still likes to hug my wife, not the way it was before though. 
We’ve been introducing some books about emotions and he likes them very much but I haven’t thought of the cards, thank you for this tip!, I have a son who is 8 and sounds similar to your little one. I have not gotten a diagnosis,  as when he was 3 and went to a screening,  they said he was fine. Knowing what I know now from my youngest who is diagnosed, I know my 8 yr old has ASD also. At 3, he did not talk very much, except he was an expert at making phrases that he heard fit the situation. Once, after watching my family use our new Alexa remote to get videos we wanted on TV, he pressed the button and said, ""Alexa, grapes."" He also lined things up, exhibited serious sensory seeking behavior, and had verbal and physical stimming behaviors.

He has had various special interests. At 3 it was the alphabet and numbers, 4 to 5 planets, moons, and all things space, 6 it was gaming and game characters, 7 it was emergency signals in different countries and flags, now it is Sonic the Hedgehog and rocks and gemstones. 

He started school during the pandemic and went virtually. He did ok, but he would get frustrated with all the waiting. He did start talking more during this time and became interested in other kids. When he was able to start in person at 6, he had an adjustment period, but now he is doing much better. He can have conversations, but still scripts sometimes. I think he picks up phrases he likes from kids at school and videos, and waits for an opportunity to use them. He is still not great at telling you events in sequence or telling you about his day or incidents that happen, but we just keep practicing with him.

Your little one sounds like he is on his way to communicating better. School made a big difference for my older son. Don't think stimming means your son is unhappy. Both of my children stim the most when they are enjoying themselves., Your son sounds Incredily intelligent, especially in his interests, that's a powerful tool for later I'm his life. I understand your worries but I suggest trying out different coping mechanisms with him to try and deal with the situations that really bother him, I've learned many since I was young, where I used to struggle communicating my overstimulation, I know recognise it instantly. Obviously it's not guaranteed this will happen but I'm confident in both you and your son that he can be successful and happy.

Edit: as for the speech thing, it's likely he's repeating phrases he's heard or is just used to saying as a failsafe to a question. I had many phrases when I was younger and even still have some random ones I say to myself lol. It's very normal behaviour, but make sure to always teach him proper ways to communicate, I would've been fucked had my mother not taught me various ways and rules to communicate, How heartbreaking to hear your boy at 3 say something like I feel ashamed. My daughter goes through times like this too. It’s like our kids know they’re different and they don’t want to be but they don’t know how not to be. She’s much older than your son (nearly 13) so this may not apply but I think getting a diagnosis, going to school with other kids with ASD and getting appropriate support has done a world of good. You’re a good parent; you clearly love and want to support him and I think by virtue of that you WILL., All of that sounds like ASD, particularly the poor interoception.

Successful neurodivergent adults exist. We are your friends, neighbors, coworkers, PTA members and fellow redditors. We may not always wear that label due to stigma, but it's important to say we are there, and it often looks like regular Joe. There are tons of married, job holding people getting diagnosed late in life too - so we really are just regular people you know.

I'd advise you to seek out some content on Instagram or with a neuroafferiming therapist cuz many are diagnosed themselves. My husband's therapist is married with kids and ASD. Just knowing she and others exist normalizes it, and shows you what it looks like. While the therapist doesn't make a ton of eye contact, she runs her own business, makes a good income and is successfully married with kids, which is badass. I mean...isn't that the definition of being a successful adult?, I just want to say my son sounds very similar to yours. Loved letters and flags! We also dipped our toes into maps but flags were more favored for him too. He is 5, I started him in kindergarten instead of red-shirting him even though he is the youngest in his class. I did that because he is so bright and hyperlexic, like your son sounds to be. I kind of regret that, because we are having so many issues socially and self-regulation wise at school. 

I know that traditional school and the world at large is not made for people with his neurotype. I struggle with working within the parameters of our current society and systems and wanting to prepare him for the world. Like you, I came to reddit tonight trying to search for the answer, “will my child be ok?” I don’t know if that thought ever leaves our brains at any point., Thanks for your reply, it’s really good and reassuring  to hear that your son is doing alright.

Re: stimming and being unhappy - I maybe made it seem overly connected, but last three weeks my sons been really… passive, nothing seemed to cause him joy, he would mostly say he doesn’t know anything and wouldn’t engage in other activities for more than few mins, then back to laying on the bed and stimming. Possibly he’s been unhappy because he ran out of flag stickers (mood downgrade soon followed, getting new ones didn’t help) Last few days have been better though… it’s still sad not to know what’s up and how to make him feel happier., Trust me, I was in tears when I heard him say that… thank you for your kind words., This is very reassuring, I mean I mostly work with IT folk where neurodiversity is not rare nor really frowned upon, then again one only might wonder what can I do for my boy to make sure he could be self reliant one day regardless what vocation might it entail., Thanks for sharing, I too feel I will never stop asking myself this question too, I understand,  sorry. Yes, trying to think of what has changed recently in his activities,  routine, home environment may help. My children are primarily sensory seeking, but my youngest who just turned 4 gets overwhelmed from time to time. At certain times during the day, he will go to his quiet spot in my master bedroom closet. He will quietly sit there and look at his fingers or watch tablet. It is the place in the house where you hear the least household noises. I find even the sound of the dishwasher and washer and dryer bother him, not to mention all the other people in the house and the lights. Alot of times he wants to be alone too. Is there a reason he might be becoming overwhelmed? There may be something, he just doesn't have the words to describe. Maybe reading some books about feelings could give him more words to describe it to you. I used to enjoy using social-emotional cards with my son. It seemed to help if we weren't talking about his feelings. This helped him to learn different feeling words. Or he would sometimes use pictures, like broken hearts to tell me how he felt., Thank you, and no need for being sorry at all. I honestly don’t know, from my pov nothing has changed around the household… maybe it’s tad brighter as spring is coming? The biggest downside is that he used to be very „huggy”, but not anymore, he still likes to hug my wife, not the way it was before though. 
We’ve been introducing some books about emotions and he likes them very much but I haven’t thought of the cards, thank you for this tip!",Support,Parental Support
"My 3 almost 4 yo girl got diagnosed with level 1 autism last month. We finally get the help we need and she started speech right away. The thing is that her speech and vocabulary is perfect, I would even say better than most of her peers. She just does not speak to people she doesn’t know or is not comfortable with. Her pathologist suspects that it might be selective mutism which would make sense. I’m currently waiting on a referral from her dev pediatrician for play therapy. My hope is they can finally help her overcome her fears. It breaks my heart watching her and knowing she’s capable but just too afraid.  Did anyone have a similar experience and will it get better soon? ","Speech therapy should really be renamed to Communication Therapy (it's way more than just speaking). It's going to help her even though she's verbal. You're on the right course!, Just want to say my son (3) who I suspect is neurodiverse  has also been flagged for selective mutism by his daycare. It is really upsetting knowing how capable they are and seeing them unable to express themselves. Maybe have a look at the selective mutism resource manual by Dr Maggie Johnson, I’ve just bought it and it’s the gold standard for treating this. All the best, My daughter probably had selective mutism at 3. She didn't talk at all at school, and was so withdrawn that her teacher thought she had severe autism. Months went by without improvement. I made a video of her at home, talking and interacting. My daughter liked the video, so we showed it to her teacher and her speech therapist. My daughter was with me, and saw their reactions. That video changed everything, because suddenly everyone knew she could talk. She started talking at school. At first she whispered, but soon she was talking normally everywhere. It's been 2 years, and she's doing great., Thank you, that makes me feel better!, I definitely will do that. Thank you!, Speech therapy should really be renamed to Communication Therapy (it's way more than just speaking). It's going to help her even though she's verbal. You're on the right course!, Just want to say my son (3) who I suspect is neurodiverse  has also been flagged for selective mutism by his daycare. It is really upsetting knowing how capable they are and seeing them unable to express themselves. Maybe have a look at the selective mutism resource manual by Dr Maggie Johnson, I’ve just bought it and it’s the gold standard for treating this. All the best, My daughter probably had selective mutism at 3. She didn't talk at all at school, and was so withdrawn that her teacher thought she had severe autism. Months went by without improvement. I made a video of her at home, talking and interacting. My daughter liked the video, so we showed it to her teacher and her speech therapist. My daughter was with me, and saw their reactions. That video changed everything, because suddenly everyone knew she could talk. She started talking at school. At first she whispered, but soon she was talking normally everywhere. It's been 2 years, and she's doing great., Thank you, that makes me feel better!, I definitely will do that. Thank you!, Speech therapy should really be renamed to Communication Therapy (it's way more than just speaking). It's going to help her even though she's verbal. You're on the right course!, Just want to say my son (3) who I suspect is neurodiverse  has also been flagged for selective mutism by his daycare. It is really upsetting knowing how capable they are and seeing them unable to express themselves. Maybe have a look at the selective mutism resource manual by Dr Maggie Johnson, I’ve just bought it and it’s the gold standard for treating this. All the best, My daughter probably had selective mutism at 3. She didn't talk at all at school, and was so withdrawn that her teacher thought she had severe autism. Months went by without improvement. I made a video of her at home, talking and interacting. My daughter liked the video, so we showed it to her teacher and her speech therapist. My daughter was with me, and saw their reactions. That video changed everything, because suddenly everyone knew she could talk. She started talking at school. At first she whispered, but soon she was talking normally everywhere. It's been 2 years, and she's doing great., Thank you, that makes me feel better!, I definitely will do that. Thank you!, Speech therapy should really be renamed to Communication Therapy (it's way more than just speaking). It's going to help her even though she's verbal. You're on the right course!, Just want to say my son (3) who I suspect is neurodiverse  has also been flagged for selective mutism by his daycare. It is really upsetting knowing how capable they are and seeing them unable to express themselves. Maybe have a look at the selective mutism resource manual by Dr Maggie Johnson, I’ve just bought it and it’s the gold standard for treating this. All the best, My daughter probably had selective mutism at 3. She didn't talk at all at school, and was so withdrawn that her teacher thought she had severe autism. Months went by without improvement. I made a video of her at home, talking and interacting. My daughter liked the video, so we showed it to her teacher and her speech therapist. My daughter was with me, and saw their reactions. That video changed everything, because suddenly everyone knew she could talk. She started talking at school. At first she whispered, but soon she was talking normally everywhere. It's been 2 years, and she's doing great., Thank you, that makes me feel better!, I definitely will do that. Thank you!",Support,Seeking Advice
"Hello everyone! I'd love to see if anyone has had a similar situation to mine and may have some advice. My 3-year-old has not been officially diagnosed with autism, but we're fairly certain he will be (we have the assessment coming up next month). I work from home, and he's with me a few hours a day before he goes to school - he's sweet, easygoing, and delightful to have with me. However, lately, he's developed a habit of melting down any time I talk on the phone. No matter who it is or what I do, he becomes fully dysregulated. My only hope is to sneak off to another room and hope he doesn't hear me on the phone, which obviously isn't sustainable. Has anyone else dealt with something similar with their kiddo? I'm hoping it's just a phase, but I'd to know if anyone has some tips for helping him through this.","Don’t really have any advice but I would try getting him a toy phone and “calling him” a couple times a day., My nephew also doesn't like people on the phone, I think this is because he has been around a lot of shouting and aggression with his parents on the phone. Could this been the case, maybe one angry call and he associates it with that?, Have you considered troubleshooting for possible sound overstimulation since the other room works?

A high quality headset for you and some over the ear noise cancelling headphones for him might be some good places to troubleshoot.

And sensory issues are common for both autism and ADHD and all sorts of other issues, so it's a good place to troubleshoot without a diagnosis if you haven't tried it already., I guess it depends on WHY he is becoming disregulated.
Is he upset because he can hear a voice but can't see the person it's coming from? Because it's taking your attention away from him? 
For my kids it was because they were feeling left out of what was happening. So I had to start every conversation on loudspeaker, then they realised how boring it was and would go and watch TV, which is waaay more fun than talking on the phone., Don’t really have any advice but I would try getting him a toy phone and “calling him” a couple times a day., My nephew also doesn't like people on the phone, I think this is because he has been around a lot of shouting and aggression with his parents on the phone. Could this been the case, maybe one angry call and he associates it with that?, Have you considered troubleshooting for possible sound overstimulation since the other room works?

A high quality headset for you and some over the ear noise cancelling headphones for him might be some good places to troubleshoot.

And sensory issues are common for both autism and ADHD and all sorts of other issues, so it's a good place to troubleshoot without a diagnosis if you haven't tried it already., I guess it depends on WHY he is becoming disregulated.
Is he upset because he can hear a voice but can't see the person it's coming from? Because it's taking your attention away from him? 
For my kids it was because they were feeling left out of what was happening. So I had to start every conversation on loudspeaker, then they realised how boring it was and would go and watch TV, which is waaay more fun than talking on the phone., Don’t really have any advice but I would try getting him a toy phone and “calling him” a couple times a day., My nephew also doesn't like people on the phone, I think this is because he has been around a lot of shouting and aggression with his parents on the phone. Could this been the case, maybe one angry call and he associates it with that?, Have you considered troubleshooting for possible sound overstimulation since the other room works?

A high quality headset for you and some over the ear noise cancelling headphones for him might be some good places to troubleshoot.

And sensory issues are common for both autism and ADHD and all sorts of other issues, so it's a good place to troubleshoot without a diagnosis if you haven't tried it already., I guess it depends on WHY he is becoming disregulated.
Is he upset because he can hear a voice but can't see the person it's coming from? Because it's taking your attention away from him? 
For my kids it was because they were feeling left out of what was happening. So I had to start every conversation on loudspeaker, then they realised how boring it was and would go and watch TV, which is waaay more fun than talking on the phone., Don’t really have any advice but I would try getting him a toy phone and “calling him” a couple times a day., My nephew also doesn't like people on the phone, I think this is because he has been around a lot of shouting and aggression with his parents on the phone. Could this been the case, maybe one angry call and he associates it with that?, Have you considered troubleshooting for possible sound overstimulation since the other room works?

A high quality headset for you and some over the ear noise cancelling headphones for him might be some good places to troubleshoot.

And sensory issues are common for both autism and ADHD and all sorts of other issues, so it's a good place to troubleshoot without a diagnosis if you haven't tried it already., I guess it depends on WHY he is becoming disregulated.
Is he upset because he can hear a voice but can't see the person it's coming from? Because it's taking your attention away from him? 
For my kids it was because they were feeling left out of what was happening. So I had to start every conversation on loudspeaker, then they realised how boring it was and would go and watch TV, which is waaay more fun than talking on the phone.",Support,Parenting Advice
"Does anyone else have a kiddo who has a fixation with languages? Our 3YO with level 1 ASD absolutely loves learning languages, especially French. The only problem is that my partner and I are not French speakers apart from what we learned in high school 15+ years ago! Anyone have any ideas/resources for kiddo to learn French? We want to support their interest!","There are books you can get on Amazon or My Bulle Toys that sing French songs. This is a nice way to introduce French without screens. You could also play French nursery rhymes and songs. Other options include looking into immersion school or finding a tutor to play with your son while teaching French or using only French for the immersion route., Remember the Muzzy VHS tape commercials from the 90s to teach languages to kids? Apparently Muzzy is still a thing and has been updated over the years so those videos/books may be good to get for your child. 

Once they can read the Duolingo app is a good start. There are also alot of foreign language learning videos on YouTube., I have an autistic 5 year old who became obsessed with language at the age of 2. The past 2 years we’ve heard French, Spanish, Russian, Japanese, Korean, Italian,  Portuguese and German. We obviously do not know all these languages except for Spanish. My son used to get upset because we were limited and couldn’t expand whenever he was excited about a new language. What we ended up doing was delving into music on Spotify. We created playlists of the same songs in different languages for him to compare lyrics and meanings. He immediately noticed the pattern and similarities in syntax in Romance languages. He also began to make connections in definitions. This was pretty fun for him. We all fed into his interests and played a song in different language in the car—especially Disney songs that have translations for most of their movies. We watched movies with subtitles (not sure if your child can read yet). The other thing that helped was asking his then teacher to introduce bilingual materials in his Montessori works. Since she was Brazilian, she introduced little cards labeling animals in his works. We also changed the settings of apps to a different language like Super Simple Song. You could also look into enrolling him in a bilingual program. Not sure what is available near you but you could look into online classes on Kid Pass. , I was that kid, and am that adult. I'm kind of jealous you got a language kid. My kid is a numbers kid, which is great and probably portends a lucrative STEM career; however, I wish I could geek out over different languages with him. 

If he wants to learn French, great! I would get him picture books in French, watch some French children's cartoons, listen to French comptines, make some simple French recipes together. (French yogurt cake is so basic and good: https://www.delscookingtwist.com/french-gateau-au-yaourt-a-no-measure-cake/)",Support,Special Interests
"Hi - I have a 3 year old son who is very likely on the spectrum (we have a referral in and are on a waitlist. I’m a mental health clinician and it’s pretty apparent he has this). 

We just want to know how to support our son socially. He has incredible anxiety about being around strangers; he’s okay if we’re in a public place and there’s a few people around, but the minute a well-meaning stranger tries to engage with him he just loses it and will yell, growl, give nasty looks, attempt to leave the area, etc. And he’s a cute kid, so it happens a lot. It’s jarring for the strangers, upsetting for me because I don’t want them to think I am raising a brat (and at the same time don’t think I need to disclose private health information about my son to qualify his behaviors). It’s also upsetting for my son, because he’s clearly in distress when this is happening. 

I am also undiagnosed but likely on the spectrum. I was the exact same way when I was his age, except I would scream and cry at strangers. I even have memories as a child of being intensely fearful at the sight of strangers. My parents would just tell people “don’t talk to her” and their solution was to take me to as few places as possible and to see as few people as possible. It’s an understandable solution, but also my son deserves to see and engage with the world in a meaningful way. And when he’s not bombarded by strangers he is a curious and engaging kid who loves to explore new places. We try to do things during the week while school is in session, but even that gets challenging for us. He is verbal and somewhat conversational, but when I try to engage him in conversations about this it doesn’t seem to land. 

It’s tough to manage when we’re trying to do something recreational, but his reactions to people are becoming debilitating for him. We were unable to complete his 3-year checkup due to him screaming uncontrollably, his first OT appointment was a mess because he was screaming and panicking, and I tried to tour a preschool with him the other day and at this point you can probably guess how that went too. 

So I’ll boil this all down to a couple questions, if anyone has insight to offer my family would greatly appreciate it. 
- how do I support my son to feel safe in public?
- how do I engage other adults about his behaviors so they understand where we’re coming from, while at the same time only minimally compromising my sons private health information?","What you are describing basically comes down to difficulty with changes/transition. Starting a new school? Look at pictures (if possible) ahead of time. Drive by the school, point it out. Come back another time and just walk around outside. Another time, talk to a friendly staff member outside. On and on until he’s inside. It may be able to go more quickly than what I’m describing, or it may need to go more slowly. Just break down the process into small steps. Whatever he’s comfortable with. 

Also, look for social stories. This can help explain scenarios that they may not be familiar with. As for dealing with strangers, think about what he might say or do and instruct him to do that, with a social story, etc. Alternatively you can just tell people he’s shy around strangers. 

My son loved to talk to strangers (only adults though), but he had a routine - he would walk up and the person would say hello, and my son would gesture behind him and say “would you like to say hi to my television neighbor?” He’d seen this Mr Rogers many times. Got us lots of looks but we just laughed and explained it was from Mr Rogers. 😂, Interactions with strangers are wildly unpredictable, and that can be very stressful. Maybe try giving him some scripts for using with strangers, and practice them a bunch at home. Scripts that will either make the interactions more predictable or that give him the power to end the interaction. ""Nice to meet you, but I'd like to play alone now, thank you."" Or if he can't do one that long, ""Hello, bye now!"" could work well enough.",Support,Parenting Advice
"Hi everyone - I'm in need of advice for a behavior my almost 4 year old has been doing for about half a year now. She would lay down, and cross her legs tightly, and press on her private area with one/both hands, or pull on her pants upwards to apply pressure around the crotch (as see on the picture below). Any ideas as to what may be doing on? Is it stimming/masturbating? It's becoming disruptive in her day-to-day activities because she would lock herself in this position and stay there for a few minutes throughout the day and it can be anywhere between 5-20 times a day. Not sure what we can do to alleviate her need to press on her private part so frequently. We've tried giving her leg squeezes, and bouncing her on a peanut already.","Is there a chance she’s constipated? Maybe she is relieving the pain or possibly withholding poop? I say this because my son will often put pressure around that area when he’s constipated. He will also do it when I’ve tried to potty train him, so instead of going potty he chooses to withhold it. He won’t necessarily cross his legs, but will get on a ledge of the sofa or table and rock back and forth. I was confused by this but figured it was constipation and he has stopped doing this after I’ve given him MiraLax or more fibrous foods., Does she do it to delay urinating? Is she potty trained? My first thought was she doesn’t want to go potty., Has she been assessed for urinary problems?, About a year ago my son went through a phase of touching/rubbing his crotch multiple times each day. Turned out to be a fungal infection on his penis. It went away easily with some topical creams., She's occasionally constipated but the last few days her bowel movement has been really good, and we don't pressure her to use the potty for #2. She still prefers to do #2 in her pull up during the evening for privacy though.. i guess that's some form of witholding it? We've done miralax in the past but it caused aggressive behaviors for her :( She eats a lot of fibrous foods already and goes every day or every other day., No issues with peeing in the potty :/ She does need reminders to go potty but it doesn't seem to be the main factor of her crossing legs., She's potty trained, she sometimes needs reminders to go pee but she's pretty good at letting us know when she has to go. She might be witholding #2 though because she prefers to do it privately in bed in her pull ups., We just tested out for UTI, and came back negative., Okay good. Sometimes I’m more apt to do something like that with a UTI…kind of like pressing in on a bruise.

While I don’t like suppressing stims, some really do have to be redirected because it’s a very different level of social acceptability and can also be a sign of sexual abuse for some kids (which can lead to misinterpretation if that’s not the case for your kid)

That kind of stim is only really acceptable to do in private. Do you think she can learn what’s private and not? Has she tried a weighted lap blanket?, You've made great points, I'll try to communicate with her to do this in private.. i feel her stimming/pressing at the crotch could be related to stress/anxiety at times. She's also pre-verbal but her receptive should be enough to let her know. Will try a weighted blanket! that's something we haven't done either, so appreciate these tips :), No problem!",Treatment,Child Behavior
"I have a 4 year old who was diagnosed with mild autism. Over the past 2 months, he's started covering his ears and making a high to low pitched screams going ""wee waa"" ... It's been driving us nuts. He does it all the time even when he's seemingly in a good mood. It's been driving us crazy. Anyone else experienced this? How do we control this?","Sounds like auditory stimming. You can re-direct him to do this in his room with door closed for your sanity, and/or try to replace it with a different activity that is similarly pleasurable to him (especially if he has another auditory stim he enjoys). If he has an OT they can help with this., He might be overwhelmed by the noises or over stimulated. I recommend you to buy him some noise cancelling headphones. You should also explain him that is OK to go to his bedroom if he is overwhelmed for how loud people are being in another room., My son makes noises all the time too. He humms all day long. He also repeats the same phrase over and over and over hundreds of times for hours a day. I bought some high fidelity ear plugs from Loop. They let me still hear what’s going on but just turns down the volume so I can focus. That’s my tip lol, I just tried this at home when I read this- and I get why he likes it. It gives me the same sort of fun sensation as talking into a fan or one of those toy [microphones](https://www.amazon.com/Hape-Mighty-Microphone-Battery-Free-Amplifying/dp/B074N8FQ4B/ref=asc_df_B074N8FQ4B/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=312003162663&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=6206858522870243724&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9003326&hvtargid=pla-440680269762&psc=1&mcid=8fc134d936f33122ba67dee60f5b1ff5) that make cool sounds with vibrations. 

Doesn’t help with the issue of it annoying you, but I can totally see why a kid would do it., Reminds me of a phase my son went through around 3 year old where he sounded like a fire alarm battery running out but super loud and repetitive. Would shock me to my core every time. Eventually stopped after 4-6 months., There might be a noise and he’s trying to compensate. I have to do that when a vacuum is on., Have you tried cooying him? When you cover your ears and make that sound it is a really cool echo in your head. My son does it too and I will do it with him. Get on my knees so he can see me when he wants and just copy. He will get so happy like oh mom gets it and redirect normally after to another activity., Sounds like stimming. Not much you can do, he’s just trying to regulate himself. He may grow out of it and find different methods that are hopefully quieter., My son screams a lot and that's because he gets frustrated quite easily. My ears are very sensitive, and they hurt so I have got myself noise cancelling headphones, which when he goes into that mode, I just thrn them on to make it bearable., Hi! Mom to an autistic kiddo and also an early intervention specialist. This is likely stimming and is generally actually a positive, useful trait for autistic folks. In this case, I would guess that there is a sound bothering him, causing him to stim.  That’s why he’s covering his ears. Ear defenders are a great choice. They don’t even have to be super expensive. My daughter wears these:

https://a.co/d/hz1W4y2 

In general, if a stim is ever loud or disruptive, rather than eliminating the stim (which can be harmful), redirect it. Focus on lowering the volume from a scream to a hum, maybe introduce songs so he can sing instead of scream, teach him to scream into a pillow, etc. 

If a stim isn’t disruptive or harmful, it’s okay to let it be!, He does it even when there is complete silence. In the middle of the night, all throughout the day. Doesn't matter. It could be pin drop silence but he'd still do it. Some times, he does it even when he's in a great mood so I am guessing it has nothing to do with being overwhelmed., That's actually a perfect example of what he sounds like. Comforting to hear that it eventually went away!, ![gif](giphy|8i7IQbqY4iXuD3MDRT), I got headphones for him but I ended up wearing them lol, Then it's probably stimming. Does he goes to therapy/ABA? Something? They could teach him to redirect., Im an autistic adult. The absence of noise can be just as overwhelming and overstimulating for me as loud noises. I either need a fan or noise machine or noise canceling headphones in silent areas and at home (and for loud noises as well). Especially at night i need constant background noise or headphones., He is in ABA based class so we're hoping this gets better over time but it's been crazy and nonstop, Sounds like auditory stimming. You can re-direct him to do this in his room with door closed for your sanity, and/or try to replace it with a different activity that is similarly pleasurable to him (especially if he has another auditory stim he enjoys). If he has an OT they can help with this., He might be overwhelmed by the noises or over stimulated. I recommend you to buy him some noise cancelling headphones. You should also explain him that is OK to go to his bedroom if he is overwhelmed for how loud people are being in another room., My son makes noises all the time too. He humms all day long. He also repeats the same phrase over and over and over hundreds of times for hours a day. I bought some high fidelity ear plugs from Loop. They let me still hear what’s going on but just turns down the volume so I can focus. That’s my tip lol, I just tried this at home when I read this- and I get why he likes it. It gives me the same sort of fun sensation as talking into a fan or one of those toy [microphones](https://www.amazon.com/Hape-Mighty-Microphone-Battery-Free-Amplifying/dp/B074N8FQ4B/ref=asc_df_B074N8FQ4B/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=312003162663&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=6206858522870243724&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9003326&hvtargid=pla-440680269762&psc=1&mcid=8fc134d936f33122ba67dee60f5b1ff5) that make cool sounds with vibrations. 

Doesn’t help with the issue of it annoying you, but I can totally see why a kid would do it., Reminds me of a phase my son went through around 3 year old where he sounded like a fire alarm battery running out but super loud and repetitive. Would shock me to my core every time. Eventually stopped after 4-6 months., There might be a noise and he’s trying to compensate. I have to do that when a vacuum is on., Have you tried cooying him? When you cover your ears and make that sound it is a really cool echo in your head. My son does it too and I will do it with him. Get on my knees so he can see me when he wants and just copy. He will get so happy like oh mom gets it and redirect normally after to another activity., Sounds like stimming. Not much you can do, he’s just trying to regulate himself. He may grow out of it and find different methods that are hopefully quieter., My son screams a lot and that's because he gets frustrated quite easily. My ears are very sensitive, and they hurt so I have got myself noise cancelling headphones, which when he goes into that mode, I just thrn them on to make it bearable., Hi! Mom to an autistic kiddo and also an early intervention specialist. This is likely stimming and is generally actually a positive, useful trait for autistic folks. In this case, I would guess that there is a sound bothering him, causing him to stim.  That’s why he’s covering his ears. Ear defenders are a great choice. They don’t even have to be super expensive. My daughter wears these:

https://a.co/d/hz1W4y2 

In general, if a stim is ever loud or disruptive, rather than eliminating the stim (which can be harmful), redirect it. Focus on lowering the volume from a scream to a hum, maybe introduce songs so he can sing instead of scream, teach him to scream into a pillow, etc. 

If a stim isn’t disruptive or harmful, it’s okay to let it be!, He does it even when there is complete silence. In the middle of the night, all throughout the day. Doesn't matter. It could be pin drop silence but he'd still do it. Some times, he does it even when he's in a great mood so I am guessing it has nothing to do with being overwhelmed., That's actually a perfect example of what he sounds like. Comforting to hear that it eventually went away!, ![gif](giphy|8i7IQbqY4iXuD3MDRT), I got headphones for him but I ended up wearing them lol, Then it's probably stimming. Does he goes to therapy/ABA? Something? They could teach him to redirect., Im an autistic adult. The absence of noise can be just as overwhelming and overstimulating for me as loud noises. I either need a fan or noise machine or noise canceling headphones in silent areas and at home (and for loud noises as well). Especially at night i need constant background noise or headphones., He is in ABA based class so we're hoping this gets better over time but it's been crazy and nonstop, Sounds like auditory stimming. You can re-direct him to do this in his room with door closed for your sanity, and/or try to replace it with a different activity that is similarly pleasurable to him (especially if he has another auditory stim he enjoys). If he has an OT they can help with this., He might be overwhelmed by the noises or over stimulated. I recommend you to buy him some noise cancelling headphones. You should also explain him that is OK to go to his bedroom if he is overwhelmed for how loud people are being in another room., My son makes noises all the time too. He humms all day long. He also repeats the same phrase over and over and over hundreds of times for hours a day. I bought some high fidelity ear plugs from Loop. They let me still hear what’s going on but just turns down the volume so I can focus. That’s my tip lol, I just tried this at home when I read this- and I get why he likes it. It gives me the same sort of fun sensation as talking into a fan or one of those toy [microphones](https://www.amazon.com/Hape-Mighty-Microphone-Battery-Free-Amplifying/dp/B074N8FQ4B/ref=asc_df_B074N8FQ4B/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=312003162663&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=6206858522870243724&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9003326&hvtargid=pla-440680269762&psc=1&mcid=8fc134d936f33122ba67dee60f5b1ff5) that make cool sounds with vibrations. 

Doesn’t help with the issue of it annoying you, but I can totally see why a kid would do it., Reminds me of a phase my son went through around 3 year old where he sounded like a fire alarm battery running out but super loud and repetitive. Would shock me to my core every time. Eventually stopped after 4-6 months., There might be a noise and he’s trying to compensate. I have to do that when a vacuum is on., Have you tried cooying him? When you cover your ears and make that sound it is a really cool echo in your head. My son does it too and I will do it with him. Get on my knees so he can see me when he wants and just copy. He will get so happy like oh mom gets it and redirect normally after to another activity., Sounds like stimming. Not much you can do, he’s just trying to regulate himself. He may grow out of it and find different methods that are hopefully quieter., My son screams a lot and that's because he gets frustrated quite easily. My ears are very sensitive, and they hurt so I have got myself noise cancelling headphones, which when he goes into that mode, I just thrn them on to make it bearable., Hi! Mom to an autistic kiddo and also an early intervention specialist. This is likely stimming and is generally actually a positive, useful trait for autistic folks. In this case, I would guess that there is a sound bothering him, causing him to stim.  That’s why he’s covering his ears. Ear defenders are a great choice. They don’t even have to be super expensive. My daughter wears these:

https://a.co/d/hz1W4y2 

In general, if a stim is ever loud or disruptive, rather than eliminating the stim (which can be harmful), redirect it. Focus on lowering the volume from a scream to a hum, maybe introduce songs so he can sing instead of scream, teach him to scream into a pillow, etc. 

If a stim isn’t disruptive or harmful, it’s okay to let it be!, He does it even when there is complete silence. In the middle of the night, all throughout the day. Doesn't matter. It could be pin drop silence but he'd still do it. Some times, he does it even when he's in a great mood so I am guessing it has nothing to do with being overwhelmed., That's actually a perfect example of what he sounds like. Comforting to hear that it eventually went away!, ![gif](giphy|8i7IQbqY4iXuD3MDRT), I got headphones for him but I ended up wearing them lol, Then it's probably stimming. Does he goes to therapy/ABA? Something? They could teach him to redirect., Im an autistic adult. The absence of noise can be just as overwhelming and overstimulating for me as loud noises. I either need a fan or noise machine or noise canceling headphones in silent areas and at home (and for loud noises as well). Especially at night i need constant background noise or headphones., He is in ABA based class so we're hoping this gets better over time but it's been crazy and nonstop, Sounds like auditory stimming. You can re-direct him to do this in his room with door closed for your sanity, and/or try to replace it with a different activity that is similarly pleasurable to him (especially if he has another auditory stim he enjoys). If he has an OT they can help with this., He might be overwhelmed by the noises or over stimulated. I recommend you to buy him some noise cancelling headphones. You should also explain him that is OK to go to his bedroom if he is overwhelmed for how loud people are being in another room., My son makes noises all the time too. He humms all day long. He also repeats the same phrase over and over and over hundreds of times for hours a day. I bought some high fidelity ear plugs from Loop. They let me still hear what’s going on but just turns down the volume so I can focus. That’s my tip lol, I just tried this at home when I read this- and I get why he likes it. It gives me the same sort of fun sensation as talking into a fan or one of those toy [microphones](https://www.amazon.com/Hape-Mighty-Microphone-Battery-Free-Amplifying/dp/B074N8FQ4B/ref=asc_df_B074N8FQ4B/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=312003162663&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=6206858522870243724&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9003326&hvtargid=pla-440680269762&psc=1&mcid=8fc134d936f33122ba67dee60f5b1ff5) that make cool sounds with vibrations. 

Doesn’t help with the issue of it annoying you, but I can totally see why a kid would do it., Reminds me of a phase my son went through around 3 year old where he sounded like a fire alarm battery running out but super loud and repetitive. Would shock me to my core every time. Eventually stopped after 4-6 months., There might be a noise and he’s trying to compensate. I have to do that when a vacuum is on., Have you tried cooying him? When you cover your ears and make that sound it is a really cool echo in your head. My son does it too and I will do it with him. Get on my knees so he can see me when he wants and just copy. He will get so happy like oh mom gets it and redirect normally after to another activity., Sounds like stimming. Not much you can do, he’s just trying to regulate himself. He may grow out of it and find different methods that are hopefully quieter., My son screams a lot and that's because he gets frustrated quite easily. My ears are very sensitive, and they hurt so I have got myself noise cancelling headphones, which when he goes into that mode, I just thrn them on to make it bearable., Hi! Mom to an autistic kiddo and also an early intervention specialist. This is likely stimming and is generally actually a positive, useful trait for autistic folks. In this case, I would guess that there is a sound bothering him, causing him to stim.  That’s why he’s covering his ears. Ear defenders are a great choice. They don’t even have to be super expensive. My daughter wears these:

https://a.co/d/hz1W4y2 

In general, if a stim is ever loud or disruptive, rather than eliminating the stim (which can be harmful), redirect it. Focus on lowering the volume from a scream to a hum, maybe introduce songs so he can sing instead of scream, teach him to scream into a pillow, etc. 

If a stim isn’t disruptive or harmful, it’s okay to let it be!, He does it even when there is complete silence. In the middle of the night, all throughout the day. Doesn't matter. It could be pin drop silence but he'd still do it. Some times, he does it even when he's in a great mood so I am guessing it has nothing to do with being overwhelmed., That's actually a perfect example of what he sounds like. Comforting to hear that it eventually went away!, ![gif](giphy|8i7IQbqY4iXuD3MDRT), I got headphones for him but I ended up wearing them lol, Then it's probably stimming. Does he goes to therapy/ABA? Something? They could teach him to redirect., Im an autistic adult. The absence of noise can be just as overwhelming and overstimulating for me as loud noises. I either need a fan or noise machine or noise canceling headphones in silent areas and at home (and for loud noises as well). Especially at night i need constant background noise or headphones., He is in ABA based class so we're hoping this gets better over time but it's been crazy and nonstop",Treatment,Sensory Issues
"I don’t really know where to start with this… our 4,5 year old, minimally verbal son, goes absolutely ballistic every time my husband and I talk / have a conversation with one another. He will shout ‘TRAIN’ at the top of his lungs and repeat what we’re saying shouting until we stop talking. We eventually stop talking but it’s getting to a point where we have to text each other when we’re in the same room to have any type of discussions or sing what we want to say 😂. Has anyone gone through this? What can we do to try and help our son not feel so anxious when husband and I talking? Our son doesn’t do this when we individually talk to other adults, it’s just when my husband and I are talking to each other. 
","I’m sure I’ll get downvoted but… My son used to do this a lot and it was honestly starting to interfere with my marriage because I could never have a casual conversation with my spouse. So every time our son did this, we told him very sternly to stop talking/be quiet, and physically put him somewhere else if he wouldn’t stop. 

A lot of things are explained by autism, but that doesn’t mean you have to excuse and accommodate every little thing, especially if they are truly annoying and rude behaviors. I always say… “autism is the reason he is doing XYZ, but XYZ is not acceptable, so we’re going to find a way to stop it.”, We’re experiencing exactly that problem currently. My husband and I were trying to talk today over our child as we stood on a train platform. When we ignored his screaming, he jumped out of his stroller (not strapped in - our mistake) and eloped on a train platform. Fortunately my husband caught him and there was no train coming in - but it was horrible. Accomplished the task though - we stopped talking. All to say, I have no advice, but lots of sympathy. Following for advice., Yes! Hate it! Adult conversations are the only thing keeping me sane most days.

I just do my best to ignore it, but reward him when behaves better., Yeah, our son does this. What his speech/OT people suggested is that it could be sensory overload if he is in the middle and both parents are talking, because he's effectively getting two different sound streams in each ear. They suggested that if we talk, we should both go off to one side and converse there.

The other thing we tell him is that ""mom and dad are just talking. We're not arguing. It's ok"" and then basically just keep plowing through his protests. With the hopes that he'll habituate to this., I’d say he’s probably annoyed by the sound, that turns to anxiety and he just does whatever to stop it. He’s learned if he does this behavior, you stop.. so he does it now to get you to stop. 

We treated Levi like the other two from the beginning for the most part. If he doesn’t like something, he can go elsewhere in the house while you have a conversation. He’s not allowed to interrupt conversations or be rude (within reason- he’s verbal but not conversational). To learn how to deal with these situations at 4 is a lot easier to deal with them at 14. Also, headphones for him might help., We began to pop noise cancelling headphones on for this kind of thing. Same reason. Our kid just didn’t enjoy the noise of us talking. Lol, Happens to us all of the time…. When he’s on the verge of a meltdown I learned to pick my battles. But when he’s being annoying about it I continue to talk and he eventually gets over it, Our daughter comes up to us and physically holds our mouths shut, also getting angry and even hitting us sometimes., [deleted], Does your son have intellectual disabilities that would cause him not to understand cause/ effect or not to be able to understand when he's being spoken to?  If so, the below won't necessarily apply. 

I know many ASD kids,  mine included,  have a LOT of anxiety and,  as a way to mitigate that anxiety will often try to control the behaviors of others.  I have to nip this in the bud early and often. 

What I would do is say ""we're taking right now. I know that makes you upset but you can always go into your quiet tent if you need a break""   We have a tent with a light machine/ white noise machine my son can use at any time to take a break when he's in sensory overload.  Then I'd keep talking and ignore the behavior.  I'm guessing he'll catch on pretty quickly that the behavior isn't getting the reaction he wants., I wouldn’t be surprised if my son does this one day. He used to be so upset if his dad and I touched or snuggled in front of him. We think he was jealous of me, cause he pull me away and push his dad away from me. Thankfully he has gotten over it with the addition of a new sibling but he still has his moments 😅, Yesss. Going through this right now. I’d suggest noise cancelling headphones. Our BCBA also suggested we purposefully start having convos and using a visual timer and then indicating “your turn” and “my turn” on his AAC to get him used to it., You can punish an ASD child just like a NT child... I punish my 3 year old nonverbal, not sure what LVL, autistic boy and he gets it. It may just take a few more times trying for them to get it. Not to long ago he developed a habit of hitting the tv with toys ALL THE TIME. I had enough, took the toys, turned off the tv and put him on time out in his room and I consistently did it everytime he hit the tv and now he no longer does. He will once in a while look in my direction and go to hit the tv with a toy and a big smile to get a giggle out of it but he's learned. I do accomodate his sensory issues but there has to be boundaries. Let him have a tantrum, it's your house too., Omg I’m reading this while in the car with my husband and 2 kids. My husband and I have been whispering about our plans for this evening but even that has my 3 yo screaming at us. Solidarity bc damn, RIP conversation I guess. 

Maybe we’ll try the texting thing lol, we hadn’t thought of that yet., Is he trying to interrupt the conversation to say something or is it just the fact that you two are talking?, I wish I could tell it stops but it doesn’t. We have two that are level 1 both with ADHD our middle schooler knows when my spouse and I are in the middle of a conversation to wait. My youngest will just walk into the room and just start talking about to us about whatever is on his mind., My son did this & still does sometimes. I think it’s part of his PDA part of his autism. Basically he really really wants to be equal in authority to the grown ups and when we’re having a conversation that he’s not included in, he feels the need to be included. 

It got a LOT better once he was medicated (anti-anxiety med & stimulant for his ADHD). We also reminded him not to interrupt, would just keep talking if he tried to talk over us, stuff like that. It was really frustrating for a long time but the meds really helped not feel insecure and bossy about me & husband having a conversation., My son just started doing something similar. Basically, he wants ALL of my attention. He is completely non verbal and is 4 1/2 yrs old. He cant speak but will demonstrate his neediness by jumping on my lap wherever it is I’m sitting, or by pulling my arm towards his playpen so I can sit with him. If I ignore him, he will throw a massive fit w/ some self injury. I work from home during the week and he is always in that room trying to jump on my lap while I work. If I am on the phone or scrolling he goes crazy!

I think he just wants all of your love and attention!, Following as we have similar situation with our 5 year old, My 5 year old daughter does this sometimes when I'm on the phone, talking to her father or even conversing with a friend. Sometimes, I just continue talking like she's not doing that, because half of the time she's playing a game on her tablet not even looking at us or me. Other times I'll stop what I'm doing or saying and I'll just go tickle her, she'll laugh hysterically and rarely will she continue doing that once I've picked up where I left off on the phone or whoever I was talking to... I thought she did that because she either wanted all my attention or she just wanted to be in the conversation. But similarly to most of all the responses here, she too, doesn't put many sentences together, if any... but when she does speak she's repeating something we're saying or more often she's repeating something she thought to be very funny to her from a brief portion of a cartoon she had watched and replayed over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again... often times those little 20 seconds of a cartoon skit gets stuck replaying in my brain until about 7am when she finally burns out from her random sleep schedule distrito. It's a nightmare honestly. I feel like she never sleeps. But that's another topic for discussion I guess., Both my kids do this and they're PDA autistic, so for them their autonomy/freedom of choice is being infringed upon and they aren't in control of themselves at that point. 3.5yo and 2yo, I can’t believe I’ve come across your post because we’ve had the same thing going on for several months with our 16 year old non verbal son.  My mom is here visiting and we literally cannot talk in the family room because he sits at the dining table on his iPad (it’s his safe little corner).  I felt like he started it after witnessing many arguments between husband and I (husband has drinking issues and should also be tested for being on the spectrum).  One day he just started making his loud protesting noise to stop us just from talking normal.   Even as we’ve calmed things down around him he is still at protesting when anyone is talking.  He sits in his spot on his iPad and loves to look at the digital frame at the same time so he’s stimming and doesn’t want to be bothered.  I also feel like he went for so long without making any noises and just absorbed it all and now he’s saying “hey you’re bugging me”.   Being that he’s 16 his protests are LOUD so it’s so jarring and I’ve tried the gentle parenting but I also get upset at him and tell him he’s interrupting us which isn’t nice.  
On top of this he’s refusing to go to school and has been home for a month!  We’ve tried everything and the school has sent support in the morning to try as well.   We’ve gone through this before when he was younger but he’s been at a private school now since Covid ended and he loves it! But now he’s refusing.   It’s so stressful and impacts our family greatly. 
I do think he has ODD or PDA along with his autism and his anxiety is terrible.  He’s on medication but that’s another story. 
I just had to comment when I saw your post because I feel your pain!!!!
(And that my mom and I are having to be in another room to talk🤣), I go through the same thing with my son. Anyone who's talking to me, he constantly ""needs to tell me something"" at that moment. I tell him forst you're supposed to say ""Excuse me"" or I tell you I'm talking to so and so please wait until I finish. I know part of it is that he's the only child.,  Could it be jealousy? My boy used to have a fit any time my older son would come and sit with me. It would be especially bad if we talked to each other. But I’m “allowed” to talk to my partner and anyone else. And his brother is “allowed” to talk to anyone else. Lol. Now he’s gotten over that, but he now has a crazy fit any time my older son comes out AT ALL and has decided that the only way it’s acceptable is if he has a specific video playing on his iPad, and panics trying to get to his iPad and get the video on quick enough, lol 😫. It’s not like I don’t spend almost every waking minute with him 🙄😂., My son still does this. He either starts yelling nonsense to talk over us or asks us to find something for him to get us to stop. We just look at him and sternly tell him we are talking and he needs to wait. Usually ends in him crying but he will stop I interrupting for a while., Mine does it too, he turned 5 not long ago 😅it’s annoying but kinda sweet, Does your son like trains? My son used to like them at that age. He moved to aircraft since then. He can't stand me singing at all but can watch videos online with singing in them., I can only dream of the day my kiddo repeats what we are saying. Nice problem to have from where I stand! 😀 Best of luck!, Exactly- there might be a reason for the behavior- and if it's possible to accommodate that- then by all means we should. But we also have a responsibility to help our kids adapt to the world they live in- many of them  will need support for their lifetime, and we are doing them an enormous disservice if we don't make helping them as pleasant and easy as it can possibly be- or their community will be extremely small. 
It's also important to remember that caregivers are also people with needs and it isn't fair or healthy to have one family member who consumes 100% of the energy, time,  and attention of everyone else. 

It is not unreasonable to suggest that one learn to remove themself from an uncomfortable situation if they are able- is going to another room if you don't want to hear someone speaking., Yeah, this would be close to my view. There are some things that just won't fly. My kid is more comfortable when he can control a situation. There are times he should not be controlling the situation. If he isn't happy with this he has the option to go somewhere else. That's what we try and teach anyway. Yes, you're autistic, however you don't get to be a dick without someone letting you know. Better to hear it from his parents than someone else. 

I figure it's a balance that we're always trying to negotiate. Are we accommodating too much, not enough? The joys. 

Each kid and family is different, of course., I would add: “It is rude to interrupt. If you cannot wait your turn to talk you will have to go to your room while Mama and Papa talk. Will you wait to talk or go in your room?” This will teach him to regulate his behavior…eventually, hopefully. Don’t just say stop talking, give a simple social rule. Later, “Don’t interrupt” should be all you need to say., I needed to read this today. My almost 7 year old son is doing this interruption thing when my husband and I try having a conversation. It’s seriously driving us mad and also driving a wedge between us. We just don’t know how to combat this. I’m going to try your method., Yeah. As soon as my kid turned five we started sending him to a few days of ""holiday camp"" (in the UK it's usually 9am-3pm, not overnight) every fortnight of holiday just do that my husband and I could spend some time able to finish a conversation without interruption.

Now he's six he responds better to ""if X is not finished by the end of the day, you'll be in holiday camp tomorrow so I can finish then,"" where X might be an important conversation, an errand, or a task at home, but there was a long period where the only thing we could do was put him in childcare more often., What if physically putting the child elsewhere/telling him to stop could result in a screaming, potentially violent, hours long meltdown?, And look at that! Instead of down votes, you got up voted over a hundred times lol. This one makes the most sense! Autism is the reason, but that doesn't mean they can't be taught. Babies drink bottles cuz theyre babies and have no teeth. But that doesn't mean you don't teach them to eat solids at 6 months just cuz ""they're babies"". Spectrum kids need to learn the same as any other kid!, We do the same thing. We tell our son to not talk above us when my husband and I are talking to each other. Honestly, his neurotypical sisters did this too when they were little. It could be a kid thing just to push our buttons., My first reaction was ""but then how do you hear each other"". I need to get more sleep, Yeah, as others have said, its very likely related to feeling overstimulated from voices. 

I get it too sometimes as an adult. But as an adult I'm often allowed to leave whatever situation is being too loud, go to another room to listen to music, or pop on earphones. Etc etc. To calm down. Not sure how much that actually works with kids of letting them go to another room, or the parents to move to another room to talk. My cousins never went through that stage growing up, least not that I can remember anyway., Noise cancelling headphones for yourselves? Or for your kid? We have some for ourselves which we use A LOT but mainly because we also have a very whingey 18 month old lol life is fun these days as you can tell., My daughter is 5 and she does this.... I usually just go tickle her and playfully tell her not to talk over me...  other days I'm not so much in the playing mood, I'll stop stare at her for a second, even though she's not looking at me... and when she notices the silence, she will stop talking then I'll resume, she usually won't do it again right after. But she has... she also does this when I'm on the phone, Thanks for this advice - we try to tell him very calmly each time that mummy and daddy are just having a conversation, we’re just talking - not arguing (we think his anxiety with us talking stems from him witnessing an argument his dad and I both had a few weeks ago). I’ve tried to sing the Ms Rachel ‘stop breathe slowly inhale slow’ song when he gets anxious and he hates it and says ‘no breathe slowly!!’., It’s just the fact that we’re talking!, Thank you, that’s super helpful. I need to do more research on PDA as I have a feeling my son has this too. At what age did your son start medication for anxiety if you don’t mind me asking?, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to sound ungrateful for the repetition of words, it would be the same problem even if he wasn’t repeating words - he would just be shouting over us until we stopped talking to each other. There are definitely worse problems to have - I was just looking for advice / tips on how to manage the anxiety side of it from my sons perspective., I completely agree., They may be in the spectrum, but they are still kids… and kids do things that will annoy and tick you off., Yes. We still have to parent our kids and that definitely means some things we don’t budge about and hold boundaries for., [deleted], Good luck, I hope it works for you too!, Honestly, that’s tough. But I’d keep doing it over and over until he gets it. That is, assuming, there is no significant intellectual disability that would prevent him from learning., I’m the same! It’s a common issue. I am sure this is what it most-likely is for OP, too. Let’s hope they can figure it out no matter what, though. Everyone deserves to be comfortable in their home, no matter their age., Oh, sorry! For our kid. It helped cut down overstimulation from our voices/talking. It works surprisingly well for us all, and she seems particularly happy., I use noise cancelling headphones for the kids (I have two with autism) and it really helps them with this sort of thing. Judging from the comments it seems really common, I had it too at one stage but it stopped eventually., Oh totally.  I'm over here trying to gentle parent my ass off so I can give my kids some emotional management skills,  but gentle parenting isn't really ideal for neurodivergent kids.  It's 10 times harder too because my son can't verbalize his feelings and sometimes doesn't even understand he's getting upset (relatable honestly). So I'm trying to help him understand the physical signs of stress,  anger,  etc (heart beat fast, tummy hurt etc.) And then things he can do to help himself calm down - go to another room,  headphones,  ask for help,  deep breaths.

Still waiting on a good parenting book geared towards nuerodivergent kids., He started on anti-anxiety medication right when he turned 7., Oh of course I understand. I was still just jealous of the problem, can't wait for my kiddo to start talking really. If he is getting ABA you could talk to his BCaBA or his SLP for tips to help with the behavior. Apologies I can't be of much help as we haven't run through this problem yet., My kid does not have disorganized attachment which is a very particular style from encountering trauma and harm. He is loved, loving and secure. He is confident, bolshy and encouraged.

My kid is four. It's literally part of his development to behave like a dick., What headphones are you using?  We have struck out so far in finding ones our son will tolerate, Gentle parenting is hard no matter what. It is so hard but so beneficial to kids. I think it works amazing for my neurodivergent kids. Something to try, I recently taught my kids about stimming and what it can look like, things all of us already do that are stimming and it worked better than expected. My 8 year old really struggles with calming down and since that talk and encouraging him to try stimming when upset he now rarely cries and when he does get that upset he's coming out of the emotion faster. It's helped him so much., [deleted], We are using [these](https://amzn.eu/d/gbHflaE) (in pink, because that’s the colour she chose). She loves them - though she still needs help popping them on. We also bought stickers to “customise” them, but she peeled them all off after a couple of weeks., That's a good idea.  Thank you!, It is irrelevant whether we think they’re being a “dick” or not - the behavior is unacceptable and causing harm therefore it needs to stop. We know the reason for the behavior. That doesn’t mean we have to accept it., I’m sure I’ll get downvoted but… My son used to do this a lot and it was honestly starting to interfere with my marriage because I could never have a casual conversation with my spouse. So every time our son did this, we told him very sternly to stop talking/be quiet, and physically put him somewhere else if he wouldn’t stop. 

A lot of things are explained by autism, but that doesn’t mean you have to excuse and accommodate every little thing, especially if they are truly annoying and rude behaviors. I always say… “autism is the reason he is doing XYZ, but XYZ is not acceptable, so we’re going to find a way to stop it.”, We’re experiencing exactly that problem currently. My husband and I were trying to talk today over our child as we stood on a train platform. When we ignored his screaming, he jumped out of his stroller (not strapped in - our mistake) and eloped on a train platform. Fortunately my husband caught him and there was no train coming in - but it was horrible. Accomplished the task though - we stopped talking. All to say, I have no advice, but lots of sympathy. Following for advice., Yes! Hate it! Adult conversations are the only thing keeping me sane most days.

I just do my best to ignore it, but reward him when behaves better., Yeah, our son does this. What his speech/OT people suggested is that it could be sensory overload if he is in the middle and both parents are talking, because he's effectively getting two different sound streams in each ear. They suggested that if we talk, we should both go off to one side and converse there.

The other thing we tell him is that ""mom and dad are just talking. We're not arguing. It's ok"" and then basically just keep plowing through his protests. With the hopes that he'll habituate to this., I’d say he’s probably annoyed by the sound, that turns to anxiety and he just does whatever to stop it. He’s learned if he does this behavior, you stop.. so he does it now to get you to stop. 

We treated Levi like the other two from the beginning for the most part. If he doesn’t like something, he can go elsewhere in the house while you have a conversation. He’s not allowed to interrupt conversations or be rude (within reason- he’s verbal but not conversational). To learn how to deal with these situations at 4 is a lot easier to deal with them at 14. Also, headphones for him might help., We began to pop noise cancelling headphones on for this kind of thing. Same reason. Our kid just didn’t enjoy the noise of us talking. Lol, Happens to us all of the time…. When he’s on the verge of a meltdown I learned to pick my battles. But when he’s being annoying about it I continue to talk and he eventually gets over it, Our daughter comes up to us and physically holds our mouths shut, also getting angry and even hitting us sometimes., [deleted], Does your son have intellectual disabilities that would cause him not to understand cause/ effect or not to be able to understand when he's being spoken to?  If so, the below won't necessarily apply. 

I know many ASD kids,  mine included,  have a LOT of anxiety and,  as a way to mitigate that anxiety will often try to control the behaviors of others.  I have to nip this in the bud early and often. 

What I would do is say ""we're taking right now. I know that makes you upset but you can always go into your quiet tent if you need a break""   We have a tent with a light machine/ white noise machine my son can use at any time to take a break when he's in sensory overload.  Then I'd keep talking and ignore the behavior.  I'm guessing he'll catch on pretty quickly that the behavior isn't getting the reaction he wants., I wouldn’t be surprised if my son does this one day. He used to be so upset if his dad and I touched or snuggled in front of him. We think he was jealous of me, cause he pull me away and push his dad away from me. Thankfully he has gotten over it with the addition of a new sibling but he still has his moments 😅, Yesss. Going through this right now. I’d suggest noise cancelling headphones. Our BCBA also suggested we purposefully start having convos and using a visual timer and then indicating “your turn” and “my turn” on his AAC to get him used to it., You can punish an ASD child just like a NT child... I punish my 3 year old nonverbal, not sure what LVL, autistic boy and he gets it. It may just take a few more times trying for them to get it. Not to long ago he developed a habit of hitting the tv with toys ALL THE TIME. I had enough, took the toys, turned off the tv and put him on time out in his room and I consistently did it everytime he hit the tv and now he no longer does. He will once in a while look in my direction and go to hit the tv with a toy and a big smile to get a giggle out of it but he's learned. I do accomodate his sensory issues but there has to be boundaries. Let him have a tantrum, it's your house too., Omg I’m reading this while in the car with my husband and 2 kids. My husband and I have been whispering about our plans for this evening but even that has my 3 yo screaming at us. Solidarity bc damn, RIP conversation I guess. 

Maybe we’ll try the texting thing lol, we hadn’t thought of that yet., Is he trying to interrupt the conversation to say something or is it just the fact that you two are talking?, I wish I could tell it stops but it doesn’t. We have two that are level 1 both with ADHD our middle schooler knows when my spouse and I are in the middle of a conversation to wait. My youngest will just walk into the room and just start talking about to us about whatever is on his mind., My son did this & still does sometimes. I think it’s part of his PDA part of his autism. Basically he really really wants to be equal in authority to the grown ups and when we’re having a conversation that he’s not included in, he feels the need to be included. 

It got a LOT better once he was medicated (anti-anxiety med & stimulant for his ADHD). We also reminded him not to interrupt, would just keep talking if he tried to talk over us, stuff like that. It was really frustrating for a long time but the meds really helped not feel insecure and bossy about me & husband having a conversation., My son just started doing something similar. Basically, he wants ALL of my attention. He is completely non verbal and is 4 1/2 yrs old. He cant speak but will demonstrate his neediness by jumping on my lap wherever it is I’m sitting, or by pulling my arm towards his playpen so I can sit with him. If I ignore him, he will throw a massive fit w/ some self injury. I work from home during the week and he is always in that room trying to jump on my lap while I work. If I am on the phone or scrolling he goes crazy!

I think he just wants all of your love and attention!, Following as we have similar situation with our 5 year old, My 5 year old daughter does this sometimes when I'm on the phone, talking to her father or even conversing with a friend. Sometimes, I just continue talking like she's not doing that, because half of the time she's playing a game on her tablet not even looking at us or me. Other times I'll stop what I'm doing or saying and I'll just go tickle her, she'll laugh hysterically and rarely will she continue doing that once I've picked up where I left off on the phone or whoever I was talking to... I thought she did that because she either wanted all my attention or she just wanted to be in the conversation. But similarly to most of all the responses here, she too, doesn't put many sentences together, if any... but when she does speak she's repeating something we're saying or more often she's repeating something she thought to be very funny to her from a brief portion of a cartoon she had watched and replayed over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again... often times those little 20 seconds of a cartoon skit gets stuck replaying in my brain until about 7am when she finally burns out from her random sleep schedule distrito. It's a nightmare honestly. I feel like she never sleeps. But that's another topic for discussion I guess., Both my kids do this and they're PDA autistic, so for them their autonomy/freedom of choice is being infringed upon and they aren't in control of themselves at that point. 3.5yo and 2yo, I can’t believe I’ve come across your post because we’ve had the same thing going on for several months with our 16 year old non verbal son.  My mom is here visiting and we literally cannot talk in the family room because he sits at the dining table on his iPad (it’s his safe little corner).  I felt like he started it after witnessing many arguments between husband and I (husband has drinking issues and should also be tested for being on the spectrum).  One day he just started making his loud protesting noise to stop us just from talking normal.   Even as we’ve calmed things down around him he is still at protesting when anyone is talking.  He sits in his spot on his iPad and loves to look at the digital frame at the same time so he’s stimming and doesn’t want to be bothered.  I also feel like he went for so long without making any noises and just absorbed it all and now he’s saying “hey you’re bugging me”.   Being that he’s 16 his protests are LOUD so it’s so jarring and I’ve tried the gentle parenting but I also get upset at him and tell him he’s interrupting us which isn’t nice.  
On top of this he’s refusing to go to school and has been home for a month!  We’ve tried everything and the school has sent support in the morning to try as well.   We’ve gone through this before when he was younger but he’s been at a private school now since Covid ended and he loves it! But now he’s refusing.   It’s so stressful and impacts our family greatly. 
I do think he has ODD or PDA along with his autism and his anxiety is terrible.  He’s on medication but that’s another story. 
I just had to comment when I saw your post because I feel your pain!!!!
(And that my mom and I are having to be in another room to talk🤣), I go through the same thing with my son. Anyone who's talking to me, he constantly ""needs to tell me something"" at that moment. I tell him forst you're supposed to say ""Excuse me"" or I tell you I'm talking to so and so please wait until I finish. I know part of it is that he's the only child.,  Could it be jealousy? My boy used to have a fit any time my older son would come and sit with me. It would be especially bad if we talked to each other. But I’m “allowed” to talk to my partner and anyone else. And his brother is “allowed” to talk to anyone else. Lol. Now he’s gotten over that, but he now has a crazy fit any time my older son comes out AT ALL and has decided that the only way it’s acceptable is if he has a specific video playing on his iPad, and panics trying to get to his iPad and get the video on quick enough, lol 😫. It’s not like I don’t spend almost every waking minute with him 🙄😂., My son still does this. He either starts yelling nonsense to talk over us or asks us to find something for him to get us to stop. We just look at him and sternly tell him we are talking and he needs to wait. Usually ends in him crying but he will stop I interrupting for a while., Mine does it too, he turned 5 not long ago 😅it’s annoying but kinda sweet, Does your son like trains? My son used to like them at that age. He moved to aircraft since then. He can't stand me singing at all but can watch videos online with singing in them., I can only dream of the day my kiddo repeats what we are saying. Nice problem to have from where I stand! 😀 Best of luck!, Exactly- there might be a reason for the behavior- and if it's possible to accommodate that- then by all means we should. But we also have a responsibility to help our kids adapt to the world they live in- many of them  will need support for their lifetime, and we are doing them an enormous disservice if we don't make helping them as pleasant and easy as it can possibly be- or their community will be extremely small. 
It's also important to remember that caregivers are also people with needs and it isn't fair or healthy to have one family member who consumes 100% of the energy, time,  and attention of everyone else. 

It is not unreasonable to suggest that one learn to remove themself from an uncomfortable situation if they are able- is going to another room if you don't want to hear someone speaking., Yeah, this would be close to my view. There are some things that just won't fly. My kid is more comfortable when he can control a situation. There are times he should not be controlling the situation. If he isn't happy with this he has the option to go somewhere else. That's what we try and teach anyway. Yes, you're autistic, however you don't get to be a dick without someone letting you know. Better to hear it from his parents than someone else. 

I figure it's a balance that we're always trying to negotiate. Are we accommodating too much, not enough? The joys. 

Each kid and family is different, of course., I would add: “It is rude to interrupt. If you cannot wait your turn to talk you will have to go to your room while Mama and Papa talk. Will you wait to talk or go in your room?” This will teach him to regulate his behavior…eventually, hopefully. Don’t just say stop talking, give a simple social rule. Later, “Don’t interrupt” should be all you need to say., I needed to read this today. My almost 7 year old son is doing this interruption thing when my husband and I try having a conversation. It’s seriously driving us mad and also driving a wedge between us. We just don’t know how to combat this. I’m going to try your method., Yeah. As soon as my kid turned five we started sending him to a few days of ""holiday camp"" (in the UK it's usually 9am-3pm, not overnight) every fortnight of holiday just do that my husband and I could spend some time able to finish a conversation without interruption.

Now he's six he responds better to ""if X is not finished by the end of the day, you'll be in holiday camp tomorrow so I can finish then,"" where X might be an important conversation, an errand, or a task at home, but there was a long period where the only thing we could do was put him in childcare more often., What if physically putting the child elsewhere/telling him to stop could result in a screaming, potentially violent, hours long meltdown?, And look at that! Instead of down votes, you got up voted over a hundred times lol. This one makes the most sense! Autism is the reason, but that doesn't mean they can't be taught. Babies drink bottles cuz theyre babies and have no teeth. But that doesn't mean you don't teach them to eat solids at 6 months just cuz ""they're babies"". Spectrum kids need to learn the same as any other kid!, We do the same thing. We tell our son to not talk above us when my husband and I are talking to each other. Honestly, his neurotypical sisters did this too when they were little. It could be a kid thing just to push our buttons., My first reaction was ""but then how do you hear each other"". I need to get more sleep, Yeah, as others have said, its very likely related to feeling overstimulated from voices. 

I get it too sometimes as an adult. But as an adult I'm often allowed to leave whatever situation is being too loud, go to another room to listen to music, or pop on earphones. Etc etc. To calm down. Not sure how much that actually works with kids of letting them go to another room, or the parents to move to another room to talk. My cousins never went through that stage growing up, least not that I can remember anyway., Noise cancelling headphones for yourselves? Or for your kid? We have some for ourselves which we use A LOT but mainly because we also have a very whingey 18 month old lol life is fun these days as you can tell., My daughter is 5 and she does this.... I usually just go tickle her and playfully tell her not to talk over me...  other days I'm not so much in the playing mood, I'll stop stare at her for a second, even though she's not looking at me... and when she notices the silence, she will stop talking then I'll resume, she usually won't do it again right after. But she has... she also does this when I'm on the phone, Thanks for this advice - we try to tell him very calmly each time that mummy and daddy are just having a conversation, we’re just talking - not arguing (we think his anxiety with us talking stems from him witnessing an argument his dad and I both had a few weeks ago). I’ve tried to sing the Ms Rachel ‘stop breathe slowly inhale slow’ song when he gets anxious and he hates it and says ‘no breathe slowly!!’., It’s just the fact that we’re talking!, Thank you, that’s super helpful. I need to do more research on PDA as I have a feeling my son has this too. At what age did your son start medication for anxiety if you don’t mind me asking?, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to sound ungrateful for the repetition of words, it would be the same problem even if he wasn’t repeating words - he would just be shouting over us until we stopped talking to each other. There are definitely worse problems to have - I was just looking for advice / tips on how to manage the anxiety side of it from my sons perspective., I completely agree., They may be in the spectrum, but they are still kids… and kids do things that will annoy and tick you off., Yes. We still have to parent our kids and that definitely means some things we don’t budge about and hold boundaries for., [deleted], Good luck, I hope it works for you too!, Honestly, that’s tough. But I’d keep doing it over and over until he gets it. That is, assuming, there is no significant intellectual disability that would prevent him from learning., I’m the same! It’s a common issue. I am sure this is what it most-likely is for OP, too. Let’s hope they can figure it out no matter what, though. Everyone deserves to be comfortable in their home, no matter their age., Oh, sorry! For our kid. It helped cut down overstimulation from our voices/talking. It works surprisingly well for us all, and she seems particularly happy., I use noise cancelling headphones for the kids (I have two with autism) and it really helps them with this sort of thing. Judging from the comments it seems really common, I had it too at one stage but it stopped eventually., Oh totally.  I'm over here trying to gentle parent my ass off so I can give my kids some emotional management skills,  but gentle parenting isn't really ideal for neurodivergent kids.  It's 10 times harder too because my son can't verbalize his feelings and sometimes doesn't even understand he's getting upset (relatable honestly). So I'm trying to help him understand the physical signs of stress,  anger,  etc (heart beat fast, tummy hurt etc.) And then things he can do to help himself calm down - go to another room,  headphones,  ask for help,  deep breaths.

Still waiting on a good parenting book geared towards nuerodivergent kids., He started on anti-anxiety medication right when he turned 7., Oh of course I understand. I was still just jealous of the problem, can't wait for my kiddo to start talking really. If he is getting ABA you could talk to his BCaBA or his SLP for tips to help with the behavior. Apologies I can't be of much help as we haven't run through this problem yet., My kid does not have disorganized attachment which is a very particular style from encountering trauma and harm. He is loved, loving and secure. He is confident, bolshy and encouraged.

My kid is four. It's literally part of his development to behave like a dick., What headphones are you using?  We have struck out so far in finding ones our son will tolerate, Gentle parenting is hard no matter what. It is so hard but so beneficial to kids. I think it works amazing for my neurodivergent kids. Something to try, I recently taught my kids about stimming and what it can look like, things all of us already do that are stimming and it worked better than expected. My 8 year old really struggles with calming down and since that talk and encouraging him to try stimming when upset he now rarely cries and when he does get that upset he's coming out of the emotion faster. It's helped him so much., [deleted], We are using [these](https://amzn.eu/d/gbHflaE) (in pink, because that’s the colour she chose). She loves them - though she still needs help popping them on. We also bought stickers to “customise” them, but she peeled them all off after a couple of weeks., That's a good idea.  Thank you!, It is irrelevant whether we think they’re being a “dick” or not - the behavior is unacceptable and causing harm therefore it needs to stop. We know the reason for the behavior. That doesn’t mean we have to accept it., I’m sure I’ll get downvoted but… My son used to do this a lot and it was honestly starting to interfere with my marriage because I could never have a casual conversation with my spouse. So every time our son did this, we told him very sternly to stop talking/be quiet, and physically put him somewhere else if he wouldn’t stop. 

A lot of things are explained by autism, but that doesn’t mean you have to excuse and accommodate every little thing, especially if they are truly annoying and rude behaviors. I always say… “autism is the reason he is doing XYZ, but XYZ is not acceptable, so we’re going to find a way to stop it.”, We’re experiencing exactly that problem currently. My husband and I were trying to talk today over our child as we stood on a train platform. When we ignored his screaming, he jumped out of his stroller (not strapped in - our mistake) and eloped on a train platform. Fortunately my husband caught him and there was no train coming in - but it was horrible. Accomplished the task though - we stopped talking. All to say, I have no advice, but lots of sympathy. Following for advice., Yes! Hate it! Adult conversations are the only thing keeping me sane most days.

I just do my best to ignore it, but reward him when behaves better., Yeah, our son does this. What his speech/OT people suggested is that it could be sensory overload if he is in the middle and both parents are talking, because he's effectively getting two different sound streams in each ear. They suggested that if we talk, we should both go off to one side and converse there.

The other thing we tell him is that ""mom and dad are just talking. We're not arguing. It's ok"" and then basically just keep plowing through his protests. With the hopes that he'll habituate to this., I’d say he’s probably annoyed by the sound, that turns to anxiety and he just does whatever to stop it. He’s learned if he does this behavior, you stop.. so he does it now to get you to stop. 

We treated Levi like the other two from the beginning for the most part. If he doesn’t like something, he can go elsewhere in the house while you have a conversation. He’s not allowed to interrupt conversations or be rude (within reason- he’s verbal but not conversational). To learn how to deal with these situations at 4 is a lot easier to deal with them at 14. Also, headphones for him might help., We began to pop noise cancelling headphones on for this kind of thing. Same reason. Our kid just didn’t enjoy the noise of us talking. Lol, Happens to us all of the time…. When he’s on the verge of a meltdown I learned to pick my battles. But when he’s being annoying about it I continue to talk and he eventually gets over it, Our daughter comes up to us and physically holds our mouths shut, also getting angry and even hitting us sometimes., [deleted], Does your son have intellectual disabilities that would cause him not to understand cause/ effect or not to be able to understand when he's being spoken to?  If so, the below won't necessarily apply. 

I know many ASD kids,  mine included,  have a LOT of anxiety and,  as a way to mitigate that anxiety will often try to control the behaviors of others.  I have to nip this in the bud early and often. 

What I would do is say ""we're taking right now. I know that makes you upset but you can always go into your quiet tent if you need a break""   We have a tent with a light machine/ white noise machine my son can use at any time to take a break when he's in sensory overload.  Then I'd keep talking and ignore the behavior.  I'm guessing he'll catch on pretty quickly that the behavior isn't getting the reaction he wants., I wouldn’t be surprised if my son does this one day. He used to be so upset if his dad and I touched or snuggled in front of him. We think he was jealous of me, cause he pull me away and push his dad away from me. Thankfully he has gotten over it with the addition of a new sibling but he still has his moments 😅, Yesss. Going through this right now. I’d suggest noise cancelling headphones. Our BCBA also suggested we purposefully start having convos and using a visual timer and then indicating “your turn” and “my turn” on his AAC to get him used to it., You can punish an ASD child just like a NT child... I punish my 3 year old nonverbal, not sure what LVL, autistic boy and he gets it. It may just take a few more times trying for them to get it. Not to long ago he developed a habit of hitting the tv with toys ALL THE TIME. I had enough, took the toys, turned off the tv and put him on time out in his room and I consistently did it everytime he hit the tv and now he no longer does. He will once in a while look in my direction and go to hit the tv with a toy and a big smile to get a giggle out of it but he's learned. I do accomodate his sensory issues but there has to be boundaries. Let him have a tantrum, it's your house too., Omg I’m reading this while in the car with my husband and 2 kids. My husband and I have been whispering about our plans for this evening but even that has my 3 yo screaming at us. Solidarity bc damn, RIP conversation I guess. 

Maybe we’ll try the texting thing lol, we hadn’t thought of that yet., Is he trying to interrupt the conversation to say something or is it just the fact that you two are talking?, I wish I could tell it stops but it doesn’t. We have two that are level 1 both with ADHD our middle schooler knows when my spouse and I are in the middle of a conversation to wait. My youngest will just walk into the room and just start talking about to us about whatever is on his mind., My son did this & still does sometimes. I think it’s part of his PDA part of his autism. Basically he really really wants to be equal in authority to the grown ups and when we’re having a conversation that he’s not included in, he feels the need to be included. 

It got a LOT better once he was medicated (anti-anxiety med & stimulant for his ADHD). We also reminded him not to interrupt, would just keep talking if he tried to talk over us, stuff like that. It was really frustrating for a long time but the meds really helped not feel insecure and bossy about me & husband having a conversation., My son just started doing something similar. Basically, he wants ALL of my attention. He is completely non verbal and is 4 1/2 yrs old. He cant speak but will demonstrate his neediness by jumping on my lap wherever it is I’m sitting, or by pulling my arm towards his playpen so I can sit with him. If I ignore him, he will throw a massive fit w/ some self injury. I work from home during the week and he is always in that room trying to jump on my lap while I work. If I am on the phone or scrolling he goes crazy!

I think he just wants all of your love and attention!, Following as we have similar situation with our 5 year old, My 5 year old daughter does this sometimes when I'm on the phone, talking to her father or even conversing with a friend. Sometimes, I just continue talking like she's not doing that, because half of the time she's playing a game on her tablet not even looking at us or me. Other times I'll stop what I'm doing or saying and I'll just go tickle her, she'll laugh hysterically and rarely will she continue doing that once I've picked up where I left off on the phone or whoever I was talking to... I thought she did that because she either wanted all my attention or she just wanted to be in the conversation. But similarly to most of all the responses here, she too, doesn't put many sentences together, if any... but when she does speak she's repeating something we're saying or more often she's repeating something she thought to be very funny to her from a brief portion of a cartoon she had watched and replayed over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again... often times those little 20 seconds of a cartoon skit gets stuck replaying in my brain until about 7am when she finally burns out from her random sleep schedule distrito. It's a nightmare honestly. I feel like she never sleeps. But that's another topic for discussion I guess., Both my kids do this and they're PDA autistic, so for them their autonomy/freedom of choice is being infringed upon and they aren't in control of themselves at that point. 3.5yo and 2yo, I can’t believe I’ve come across your post because we’ve had the same thing going on for several months with our 16 year old non verbal son.  My mom is here visiting and we literally cannot talk in the family room because he sits at the dining table on his iPad (it’s his safe little corner).  I felt like he started it after witnessing many arguments between husband and I (husband has drinking issues and should also be tested for being on the spectrum).  One day he just started making his loud protesting noise to stop us just from talking normal.   Even as we’ve calmed things down around him he is still at protesting when anyone is talking.  He sits in his spot on his iPad and loves to look at the digital frame at the same time so he’s stimming and doesn’t want to be bothered.  I also feel like he went for so long without making any noises and just absorbed it all and now he’s saying “hey you’re bugging me”.   Being that he’s 16 his protests are LOUD so it’s so jarring and I’ve tried the gentle parenting but I also get upset at him and tell him he’s interrupting us which isn’t nice.  
On top of this he’s refusing to go to school and has been home for a month!  We’ve tried everything and the school has sent support in the morning to try as well.   We’ve gone through this before when he was younger but he’s been at a private school now since Covid ended and he loves it! But now he’s refusing.   It’s so stressful and impacts our family greatly. 
I do think he has ODD or PDA along with his autism and his anxiety is terrible.  He’s on medication but that’s another story. 
I just had to comment when I saw your post because I feel your pain!!!!
(And that my mom and I are having to be in another room to talk🤣), I go through the same thing with my son. Anyone who's talking to me, he constantly ""needs to tell me something"" at that moment. I tell him forst you're supposed to say ""Excuse me"" or I tell you I'm talking to so and so please wait until I finish. I know part of it is that he's the only child.,  Could it be jealousy? My boy used to have a fit any time my older son would come and sit with me. It would be especially bad if we talked to each other. But I’m “allowed” to talk to my partner and anyone else. And his brother is “allowed” to talk to anyone else. Lol. Now he’s gotten over that, but he now has a crazy fit any time my older son comes out AT ALL and has decided that the only way it’s acceptable is if he has a specific video playing on his iPad, and panics trying to get to his iPad and get the video on quick enough, lol 😫. It’s not like I don’t spend almost every waking minute with him 🙄😂., My son still does this. He either starts yelling nonsense to talk over us or asks us to find something for him to get us to stop. We just look at him and sternly tell him we are talking and he needs to wait. Usually ends in him crying but he will stop I interrupting for a while., Mine does it too, he turned 5 not long ago 😅it’s annoying but kinda sweet, Does your son like trains? My son used to like them at that age. He moved to aircraft since then. He can't stand me singing at all but can watch videos online with singing in them., I can only dream of the day my kiddo repeats what we are saying. Nice problem to have from where I stand! 😀 Best of luck!, Exactly- there might be a reason for the behavior- and if it's possible to accommodate that- then by all means we should. But we also have a responsibility to help our kids adapt to the world they live in- many of them  will need support for their lifetime, and we are doing them an enormous disservice if we don't make helping them as pleasant and easy as it can possibly be- or their community will be extremely small. 
It's also important to remember that caregivers are also people with needs and it isn't fair or healthy to have one family member who consumes 100% of the energy, time,  and attention of everyone else. 

It is not unreasonable to suggest that one learn to remove themself from an uncomfortable situation if they are able- is going to another room if you don't want to hear someone speaking., Yeah, this would be close to my view. There are some things that just won't fly. My kid is more comfortable when he can control a situation. There are times he should not be controlling the situation. If he isn't happy with this he has the option to go somewhere else. That's what we try and teach anyway. Yes, you're autistic, however you don't get to be a dick without someone letting you know. Better to hear it from his parents than someone else. 

I figure it's a balance that we're always trying to negotiate. Are we accommodating too much, not enough? The joys. 

Each kid and family is different, of course., I would add: “It is rude to interrupt. If you cannot wait your turn to talk you will have to go to your room while Mama and Papa talk. Will you wait to talk or go in your room?” This will teach him to regulate his behavior…eventually, hopefully. Don’t just say stop talking, give a simple social rule. Later, “Don’t interrupt” should be all you need to say., I needed to read this today. My almost 7 year old son is doing this interruption thing when my husband and I try having a conversation. It’s seriously driving us mad and also driving a wedge between us. We just don’t know how to combat this. I’m going to try your method., Yeah. As soon as my kid turned five we started sending him to a few days of ""holiday camp"" (in the UK it's usually 9am-3pm, not overnight) every fortnight of holiday just do that my husband and I could spend some time able to finish a conversation without interruption.

Now he's six he responds better to ""if X is not finished by the end of the day, you'll be in holiday camp tomorrow so I can finish then,"" where X might be an important conversation, an errand, or a task at home, but there was a long period where the only thing we could do was put him in childcare more often., What if physically putting the child elsewhere/telling him to stop could result in a screaming, potentially violent, hours long meltdown?, And look at that! Instead of down votes, you got up voted over a hundred times lol. This one makes the most sense! Autism is the reason, but that doesn't mean they can't be taught. Babies drink bottles cuz theyre babies and have no teeth. But that doesn't mean you don't teach them to eat solids at 6 months just cuz ""they're babies"". Spectrum kids need to learn the same as any other kid!, We do the same thing. We tell our son to not talk above us when my husband and I are talking to each other. Honestly, his neurotypical sisters did this too when they were little. It could be a kid thing just to push our buttons., My first reaction was ""but then how do you hear each other"". I need to get more sleep, Yeah, as others have said, its very likely related to feeling overstimulated from voices. 

I get it too sometimes as an adult. But as an adult I'm often allowed to leave whatever situation is being too loud, go to another room to listen to music, or pop on earphones. Etc etc. To calm down. Not sure how much that actually works with kids of letting them go to another room, or the parents to move to another room to talk. My cousins never went through that stage growing up, least not that I can remember anyway., Noise cancelling headphones for yourselves? Or for your kid? We have some for ourselves which we use A LOT but mainly because we also have a very whingey 18 month old lol life is fun these days as you can tell., My daughter is 5 and she does this.... I usually just go tickle her and playfully tell her not to talk over me...  other days I'm not so much in the playing mood, I'll stop stare at her for a second, even though she's not looking at me... and when she notices the silence, she will stop talking then I'll resume, she usually won't do it again right after. But she has... she also does this when I'm on the phone, Thanks for this advice - we try to tell him very calmly each time that mummy and daddy are just having a conversation, we’re just talking - not arguing (we think his anxiety with us talking stems from him witnessing an argument his dad and I both had a few weeks ago). I’ve tried to sing the Ms Rachel ‘stop breathe slowly inhale slow’ song when he gets anxious and he hates it and says ‘no breathe slowly!!’., It’s just the fact that we’re talking!, Thank you, that’s super helpful. I need to do more research on PDA as I have a feeling my son has this too. At what age did your son start medication for anxiety if you don’t mind me asking?, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to sound ungrateful for the repetition of words, it would be the same problem even if he wasn’t repeating words - he would just be shouting over us until we stopped talking to each other. There are definitely worse problems to have - I was just looking for advice / tips on how to manage the anxiety side of it from my sons perspective., I completely agree., They may be in the spectrum, but they are still kids… and kids do things that will annoy and tick you off., Yes. We still have to parent our kids and that definitely means some things we don’t budge about and hold boundaries for., [deleted], Good luck, I hope it works for you too!, Honestly, that’s tough. But I’d keep doing it over and over until he gets it. That is, assuming, there is no significant intellectual disability that would prevent him from learning., I’m the same! It’s a common issue. I am sure this is what it most-likely is for OP, too. Let’s hope they can figure it out no matter what, though. Everyone deserves to be comfortable in their home, no matter their age., Oh, sorry! For our kid. It helped cut down overstimulation from our voices/talking. It works surprisingly well for us all, and she seems particularly happy., I use noise cancelling headphones for the kids (I have two with autism) and it really helps them with this sort of thing. Judging from the comments it seems really common, I had it too at one stage but it stopped eventually., Oh totally.  I'm over here trying to gentle parent my ass off so I can give my kids some emotional management skills,  but gentle parenting isn't really ideal for neurodivergent kids.  It's 10 times harder too because my son can't verbalize his feelings and sometimes doesn't even understand he's getting upset (relatable honestly). So I'm trying to help him understand the physical signs of stress,  anger,  etc (heart beat fast, tummy hurt etc.) And then things he can do to help himself calm down - go to another room,  headphones,  ask for help,  deep breaths.

Still waiting on a good parenting book geared towards nuerodivergent kids., He started on anti-anxiety medication right when he turned 7., Oh of course I understand. I was still just jealous of the problem, can't wait for my kiddo to start talking really. If he is getting ABA you could talk to his BCaBA or his SLP for tips to help with the behavior. Apologies I can't be of much help as we haven't run through this problem yet., My kid does not have disorganized attachment which is a very particular style from encountering trauma and harm. He is loved, loving and secure. He is confident, bolshy and encouraged.

My kid is four. It's literally part of his development to behave like a dick., What headphones are you using?  We have struck out so far in finding ones our son will tolerate, Gentle parenting is hard no matter what. It is so hard but so beneficial to kids. I think it works amazing for my neurodivergent kids. Something to try, I recently taught my kids about stimming and what it can look like, things all of us already do that are stimming and it worked better than expected. My 8 year old really struggles with calming down and since that talk and encouraging him to try stimming when upset he now rarely cries and when he does get that upset he's coming out of the emotion faster. It's helped him so much., [deleted], We are using [these](https://amzn.eu/d/gbHflaE) (in pink, because that’s the colour she chose). She loves them - though she still needs help popping them on. We also bought stickers to “customise” them, but she peeled them all off after a couple of weeks., That's a good idea.  Thank you!, It is irrelevant whether we think they’re being a “dick” or not - the behavior is unacceptable and causing harm therefore it needs to stop. We know the reason for the behavior. That doesn’t mean we have to accept it., I’m sure I’ll get downvoted but… My son used to do this a lot and it was honestly starting to interfere with my marriage because I could never have a casual conversation with my spouse. So every time our son did this, we told him very sternly to stop talking/be quiet, and physically put him somewhere else if he wouldn’t stop. 

A lot of things are explained by autism, but that doesn’t mean you have to excuse and accommodate every little thing, especially if they are truly annoying and rude behaviors. I always say… “autism is the reason he is doing XYZ, but XYZ is not acceptable, so we’re going to find a way to stop it.”, We’re experiencing exactly that problem currently. My husband and I were trying to talk today over our child as we stood on a train platform. When we ignored his screaming, he jumped out of his stroller (not strapped in - our mistake) and eloped on a train platform. Fortunately my husband caught him and there was no train coming in - but it was horrible. Accomplished the task though - we stopped talking. All to say, I have no advice, but lots of sympathy. Following for advice., Yes! Hate it! Adult conversations are the only thing keeping me sane most days.

I just do my best to ignore it, but reward him when behaves better., Yeah, our son does this. What his speech/OT people suggested is that it could be sensory overload if he is in the middle and both parents are talking, because he's effectively getting two different sound streams in each ear. They suggested that if we talk, we should both go off to one side and converse there.

The other thing we tell him is that ""mom and dad are just talking. We're not arguing. It's ok"" and then basically just keep plowing through his protests. With the hopes that he'll habituate to this., I’d say he’s probably annoyed by the sound, that turns to anxiety and he just does whatever to stop it. He’s learned if he does this behavior, you stop.. so he does it now to get you to stop. 

We treated Levi like the other two from the beginning for the most part. If he doesn’t like something, he can go elsewhere in the house while you have a conversation. He’s not allowed to interrupt conversations or be rude (within reason- he’s verbal but not conversational). To learn how to deal with these situations at 4 is a lot easier to deal with them at 14. Also, headphones for him might help., We began to pop noise cancelling headphones on for this kind of thing. Same reason. Our kid just didn’t enjoy the noise of us talking. Lol, Happens to us all of the time…. When he’s on the verge of a meltdown I learned to pick my battles. But when he’s being annoying about it I continue to talk and he eventually gets over it, Our daughter comes up to us and physically holds our mouths shut, also getting angry and even hitting us sometimes., [deleted], Does your son have intellectual disabilities that would cause him not to understand cause/ effect or not to be able to understand when he's being spoken to?  If so, the below won't necessarily apply. 

I know many ASD kids,  mine included,  have a LOT of anxiety and,  as a way to mitigate that anxiety will often try to control the behaviors of others.  I have to nip this in the bud early and often. 

What I would do is say ""we're taking right now. I know that makes you upset but you can always go into your quiet tent if you need a break""   We have a tent with a light machine/ white noise machine my son can use at any time to take a break when he's in sensory overload.  Then I'd keep talking and ignore the behavior.  I'm guessing he'll catch on pretty quickly that the behavior isn't getting the reaction he wants., I wouldn’t be surprised if my son does this one day. He used to be so upset if his dad and I touched or snuggled in front of him. We think he was jealous of me, cause he pull me away and push his dad away from me. Thankfully he has gotten over it with the addition of a new sibling but he still has his moments 😅, Yesss. Going through this right now. I’d suggest noise cancelling headphones. Our BCBA also suggested we purposefully start having convos and using a visual timer and then indicating “your turn” and “my turn” on his AAC to get him used to it., You can punish an ASD child just like a NT child... I punish my 3 year old nonverbal, not sure what LVL, autistic boy and he gets it. It may just take a few more times trying for them to get it. Not to long ago he developed a habit of hitting the tv with toys ALL THE TIME. I had enough, took the toys, turned off the tv and put him on time out in his room and I consistently did it everytime he hit the tv and now he no longer does. He will once in a while look in my direction and go to hit the tv with a toy and a big smile to get a giggle out of it but he's learned. I do accomodate his sensory issues but there has to be boundaries. Let him have a tantrum, it's your house too., Omg I’m reading this while in the car with my husband and 2 kids. My husband and I have been whispering about our plans for this evening but even that has my 3 yo screaming at us. Solidarity bc damn, RIP conversation I guess. 

Maybe we’ll try the texting thing lol, we hadn’t thought of that yet., Is he trying to interrupt the conversation to say something or is it just the fact that you two are talking?, I wish I could tell it stops but it doesn’t. We have two that are level 1 both with ADHD our middle schooler knows when my spouse and I are in the middle of a conversation to wait. My youngest will just walk into the room and just start talking about to us about whatever is on his mind., My son did this & still does sometimes. I think it’s part of his PDA part of his autism. Basically he really really wants to be equal in authority to the grown ups and when we’re having a conversation that he’s not included in, he feels the need to be included. 

It got a LOT better once he was medicated (anti-anxiety med & stimulant for his ADHD). We also reminded him not to interrupt, would just keep talking if he tried to talk over us, stuff like that. It was really frustrating for a long time but the meds really helped not feel insecure and bossy about me & husband having a conversation., My son just started doing something similar. Basically, he wants ALL of my attention. He is completely non verbal and is 4 1/2 yrs old. He cant speak but will demonstrate his neediness by jumping on my lap wherever it is I’m sitting, or by pulling my arm towards his playpen so I can sit with him. If I ignore him, he will throw a massive fit w/ some self injury. I work from home during the week and he is always in that room trying to jump on my lap while I work. If I am on the phone or scrolling he goes crazy!

I think he just wants all of your love and attention!, Following as we have similar situation with our 5 year old, My 5 year old daughter does this sometimes when I'm on the phone, talking to her father or even conversing with a friend. Sometimes, I just continue talking like she's not doing that, because half of the time she's playing a game on her tablet not even looking at us or me. Other times I'll stop what I'm doing or saying and I'll just go tickle her, she'll laugh hysterically and rarely will she continue doing that once I've picked up where I left off on the phone or whoever I was talking to... I thought she did that because she either wanted all my attention or she just wanted to be in the conversation. But similarly to most of all the responses here, she too, doesn't put many sentences together, if any... but when she does speak she's repeating something we're saying or more often she's repeating something she thought to be very funny to her from a brief portion of a cartoon she had watched and replayed over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again... often times those little 20 seconds of a cartoon skit gets stuck replaying in my brain until about 7am when she finally burns out from her random sleep schedule distrito. It's a nightmare honestly. I feel like she never sleeps. But that's another topic for discussion I guess., Both my kids do this and they're PDA autistic, so for them their autonomy/freedom of choice is being infringed upon and they aren't in control of themselves at that point. 3.5yo and 2yo, I can’t believe I’ve come across your post because we’ve had the same thing going on for several months with our 16 year old non verbal son.  My mom is here visiting and we literally cannot talk in the family room because he sits at the dining table on his iPad (it’s his safe little corner).  I felt like he started it after witnessing many arguments between husband and I (husband has drinking issues and should also be tested for being on the spectrum).  One day he just started making his loud protesting noise to stop us just from talking normal.   Even as we’ve calmed things down around him he is still at protesting when anyone is talking.  He sits in his spot on his iPad and loves to look at the digital frame at the same time so he’s stimming and doesn’t want to be bothered.  I also feel like he went for so long without making any noises and just absorbed it all and now he’s saying “hey you’re bugging me”.   Being that he’s 16 his protests are LOUD so it’s so jarring and I’ve tried the gentle parenting but I also get upset at him and tell him he’s interrupting us which isn’t nice.  
On top of this he’s refusing to go to school and has been home for a month!  We’ve tried everything and the school has sent support in the morning to try as well.   We’ve gone through this before when he was younger but he’s been at a private school now since Covid ended and he loves it! But now he’s refusing.   It’s so stressful and impacts our family greatly. 
I do think he has ODD or PDA along with his autism and his anxiety is terrible.  He’s on medication but that’s another story. 
I just had to comment when I saw your post because I feel your pain!!!!
(And that my mom and I are having to be in another room to talk🤣), I go through the same thing with my son. Anyone who's talking to me, he constantly ""needs to tell me something"" at that moment. I tell him forst you're supposed to say ""Excuse me"" or I tell you I'm talking to so and so please wait until I finish. I know part of it is that he's the only child.,  Could it be jealousy? My boy used to have a fit any time my older son would come and sit with me. It would be especially bad if we talked to each other. But I’m “allowed” to talk to my partner and anyone else. And his brother is “allowed” to talk to anyone else. Lol. Now he’s gotten over that, but he now has a crazy fit any time my older son comes out AT ALL and has decided that the only way it’s acceptable is if he has a specific video playing on his iPad, and panics trying to get to his iPad and get the video on quick enough, lol 😫. It’s not like I don’t spend almost every waking minute with him 🙄😂., My son still does this. He either starts yelling nonsense to talk over us or asks us to find something for him to get us to stop. We just look at him and sternly tell him we are talking and he needs to wait. Usually ends in him crying but he will stop I interrupting for a while., Mine does it too, he turned 5 not long ago 😅it’s annoying but kinda sweet, Does your son like trains? My son used to like them at that age. He moved to aircraft since then. He can't stand me singing at all but can watch videos online with singing in them., I can only dream of the day my kiddo repeats what we are saying. Nice problem to have from where I stand! 😀 Best of luck!, Exactly- there might be a reason for the behavior- and if it's possible to accommodate that- then by all means we should. But we also have a responsibility to help our kids adapt to the world they live in- many of them  will need support for their lifetime, and we are doing them an enormous disservice if we don't make helping them as pleasant and easy as it can possibly be- or their community will be extremely small. 
It's also important to remember that caregivers are also people with needs and it isn't fair or healthy to have one family member who consumes 100% of the energy, time,  and attention of everyone else. 

It is not unreasonable to suggest that one learn to remove themself from an uncomfortable situation if they are able- is going to another room if you don't want to hear someone speaking., Yeah, this would be close to my view. There are some things that just won't fly. My kid is more comfortable when he can control a situation. There are times he should not be controlling the situation. If he isn't happy with this he has the option to go somewhere else. That's what we try and teach anyway. Yes, you're autistic, however you don't get to be a dick without someone letting you know. Better to hear it from his parents than someone else. 

I figure it's a balance that we're always trying to negotiate. Are we accommodating too much, not enough? The joys. 

Each kid and family is different, of course., I would add: “It is rude to interrupt. If you cannot wait your turn to talk you will have to go to your room while Mama and Papa talk. Will you wait to talk or go in your room?” This will teach him to regulate his behavior…eventually, hopefully. Don’t just say stop talking, give a simple social rule. Later, “Don’t interrupt” should be all you need to say., I needed to read this today. My almost 7 year old son is doing this interruption thing when my husband and I try having a conversation. It’s seriously driving us mad and also driving a wedge between us. We just don’t know how to combat this. I’m going to try your method., Yeah. As soon as my kid turned five we started sending him to a few days of ""holiday camp"" (in the UK it's usually 9am-3pm, not overnight) every fortnight of holiday just do that my husband and I could spend some time able to finish a conversation without interruption.

Now he's six he responds better to ""if X is not finished by the end of the day, you'll be in holiday camp tomorrow so I can finish then,"" where X might be an important conversation, an errand, or a task at home, but there was a long period where the only thing we could do was put him in childcare more often., What if physically putting the child elsewhere/telling him to stop could result in a screaming, potentially violent, hours long meltdown?, And look at that! Instead of down votes, you got up voted over a hundred times lol. This one makes the most sense! Autism is the reason, but that doesn't mean they can't be taught. Babies drink bottles cuz theyre babies and have no teeth. But that doesn't mean you don't teach them to eat solids at 6 months just cuz ""they're babies"". Spectrum kids need to learn the same as any other kid!, We do the same thing. We tell our son to not talk above us when my husband and I are talking to each other. Honestly, his neurotypical sisters did this too when they were little. It could be a kid thing just to push our buttons., My first reaction was ""but then how do you hear each other"". I need to get more sleep, Yeah, as others have said, its very likely related to feeling overstimulated from voices. 

I get it too sometimes as an adult. But as an adult I'm often allowed to leave whatever situation is being too loud, go to another room to listen to music, or pop on earphones. Etc etc. To calm down. Not sure how much that actually works with kids of letting them go to another room, or the parents to move to another room to talk. My cousins never went through that stage growing up, least not that I can remember anyway., Noise cancelling headphones for yourselves? Or for your kid? We have some for ourselves which we use A LOT but mainly because we also have a very whingey 18 month old lol life is fun these days as you can tell., My daughter is 5 and she does this.... I usually just go tickle her and playfully tell her not to talk over me...  other days I'm not so much in the playing mood, I'll stop stare at her for a second, even though she's not looking at me... and when she notices the silence, she will stop talking then I'll resume, she usually won't do it again right after. But she has... she also does this when I'm on the phone, Thanks for this advice - we try to tell him very calmly each time that mummy and daddy are just having a conversation, we’re just talking - not arguing (we think his anxiety with us talking stems from him witnessing an argument his dad and I both had a few weeks ago). I’ve tried to sing the Ms Rachel ‘stop breathe slowly inhale slow’ song when he gets anxious and he hates it and says ‘no breathe slowly!!’., It’s just the fact that we’re talking!, Thank you, that’s super helpful. I need to do more research on PDA as I have a feeling my son has this too. At what age did your son start medication for anxiety if you don’t mind me asking?, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to sound ungrateful for the repetition of words, it would be the same problem even if he wasn’t repeating words - he would just be shouting over us until we stopped talking to each other. There are definitely worse problems to have - I was just looking for advice / tips on how to manage the anxiety side of it from my sons perspective., I completely agree., They may be in the spectrum, but they are still kids… and kids do things that will annoy and tick you off., Yes. We still have to parent our kids and that definitely means some things we don’t budge about and hold boundaries for., [deleted], Good luck, I hope it works for you too!, Honestly, that’s tough. But I’d keep doing it over and over until he gets it. That is, assuming, there is no significant intellectual disability that would prevent him from learning., I’m the same! It’s a common issue. I am sure this is what it most-likely is for OP, too. Let’s hope they can figure it out no matter what, though. Everyone deserves to be comfortable in their home, no matter their age., Oh, sorry! For our kid. It helped cut down overstimulation from our voices/talking. It works surprisingly well for us all, and she seems particularly happy., I use noise cancelling headphones for the kids (I have two with autism) and it really helps them with this sort of thing. Judging from the comments it seems really common, I had it too at one stage but it stopped eventually., Oh totally.  I'm over here trying to gentle parent my ass off so I can give my kids some emotional management skills,  but gentle parenting isn't really ideal for neurodivergent kids.  It's 10 times harder too because my son can't verbalize his feelings and sometimes doesn't even understand he's getting upset (relatable honestly). So I'm trying to help him understand the physical signs of stress,  anger,  etc (heart beat fast, tummy hurt etc.) And then things he can do to help himself calm down - go to another room,  headphones,  ask for help,  deep breaths.

Still waiting on a good parenting book geared towards nuerodivergent kids., He started on anti-anxiety medication right when he turned 7., Oh of course I understand. I was still just jealous of the problem, can't wait for my kiddo to start talking really. If he is getting ABA you could talk to his BCaBA or his SLP for tips to help with the behavior. Apologies I can't be of much help as we haven't run through this problem yet., My kid does not have disorganized attachment which is a very particular style from encountering trauma and harm. He is loved, loving and secure. He is confident, bolshy and encouraged.

My kid is four. It's literally part of his development to behave like a dick., What headphones are you using?  We have struck out so far in finding ones our son will tolerate, Gentle parenting is hard no matter what. It is so hard but so beneficial to kids. I think it works amazing for my neurodivergent kids. Something to try, I recently taught my kids about stimming and what it can look like, things all of us already do that are stimming and it worked better than expected. My 8 year old really struggles with calming down and since that talk and encouraging him to try stimming when upset he now rarely cries and when he does get that upset he's coming out of the emotion faster. It's helped him so much., [deleted], We are using [these](https://amzn.eu/d/gbHflaE) (in pink, because that’s the colour she chose). She loves them - though she still needs help popping them on. We also bought stickers to “customise” them, but she peeled them all off after a couple of weeks., That's a good idea.  Thank you!, It is irrelevant whether we think they’re being a “dick” or not - the behavior is unacceptable and causing harm therefore it needs to stop. We know the reason for the behavior. That doesn’t mean we have to accept it., I’m sure I’ll get downvoted but… My son used to do this a lot and it was honestly starting to interfere with my marriage because I could never have a casual conversation with my spouse. So every time our son did this, we told him very sternly to stop talking/be quiet, and physically put him somewhere else if he wouldn’t stop. 

A lot of things are explained by autism, but that doesn’t mean you have to excuse and accommodate every little thing, especially if they are truly annoying and rude behaviors. I always say… “autism is the reason he is doing XYZ, but XYZ is not acceptable, so we’re going to find a way to stop it.”, We’re experiencing exactly that problem currently. My husband and I were trying to talk today over our child as we stood on a train platform. When we ignored his screaming, he jumped out of his stroller (not strapped in - our mistake) and eloped on a train platform. Fortunately my husband caught him and there was no train coming in - but it was horrible. Accomplished the task though - we stopped talking. All to say, I have no advice, but lots of sympathy. Following for advice., Yes! Hate it! Adult conversations are the only thing keeping me sane most days.

I just do my best to ignore it, but reward him when behaves better., Yeah, our son does this. What his speech/OT people suggested is that it could be sensory overload if he is in the middle and both parents are talking, because he's effectively getting two different sound streams in each ear. They suggested that if we talk, we should both go off to one side and converse there.

The other thing we tell him is that ""mom and dad are just talking. We're not arguing. It's ok"" and then basically just keep plowing through his protests. With the hopes that he'll habituate to this., I’d say he’s probably annoyed by the sound, that turns to anxiety and he just does whatever to stop it. He’s learned if he does this behavior, you stop.. so he does it now to get you to stop. 

We treated Levi like the other two from the beginning for the most part. If he doesn’t like something, he can go elsewhere in the house while you have a conversation. He’s not allowed to interrupt conversations or be rude (within reason- he’s verbal but not conversational). To learn how to deal with these situations at 4 is a lot easier to deal with them at 14. Also, headphones for him might help., We began to pop noise cancelling headphones on for this kind of thing. Same reason. Our kid just didn’t enjoy the noise of us talking. Lol, Happens to us all of the time…. When he’s on the verge of a meltdown I learned to pick my battles. But when he’s being annoying about it I continue to talk and he eventually gets over it, Our daughter comes up to us and physically holds our mouths shut, also getting angry and even hitting us sometimes., [deleted], Does your son have intellectual disabilities that would cause him not to understand cause/ effect or not to be able to understand when he's being spoken to?  If so, the below won't necessarily apply. 

I know many ASD kids,  mine included,  have a LOT of anxiety and,  as a way to mitigate that anxiety will often try to control the behaviors of others.  I have to nip this in the bud early and often. 

What I would do is say ""we're taking right now. I know that makes you upset but you can always go into your quiet tent if you need a break""   We have a tent with a light machine/ white noise machine my son can use at any time to take a break when he's in sensory overload.  Then I'd keep talking and ignore the behavior.  I'm guessing he'll catch on pretty quickly that the behavior isn't getting the reaction he wants., I wouldn’t be surprised if my son does this one day. He used to be so upset if his dad and I touched or snuggled in front of him. We think he was jealous of me, cause he pull me away and push his dad away from me. Thankfully he has gotten over it with the addition of a new sibling but he still has his moments 😅, Yesss. Going through this right now. I’d suggest noise cancelling headphones. Our BCBA also suggested we purposefully start having convos and using a visual timer and then indicating “your turn” and “my turn” on his AAC to get him used to it., You can punish an ASD child just like a NT child... I punish my 3 year old nonverbal, not sure what LVL, autistic boy and he gets it. It may just take a few more times trying for them to get it. Not to long ago he developed a habit of hitting the tv with toys ALL THE TIME. I had enough, took the toys, turned off the tv and put him on time out in his room and I consistently did it everytime he hit the tv and now he no longer does. He will once in a while look in my direction and go to hit the tv with a toy and a big smile to get a giggle out of it but he's learned. I do accomodate his sensory issues but there has to be boundaries. Let him have a tantrum, it's your house too., Omg I’m reading this while in the car with my husband and 2 kids. My husband and I have been whispering about our plans for this evening but even that has my 3 yo screaming at us. Solidarity bc damn, RIP conversation I guess. 

Maybe we’ll try the texting thing lol, we hadn’t thought of that yet., Is he trying to interrupt the conversation to say something or is it just the fact that you two are talking?, I wish I could tell it stops but it doesn’t. We have two that are level 1 both with ADHD our middle schooler knows when my spouse and I are in the middle of a conversation to wait. My youngest will just walk into the room and just start talking about to us about whatever is on his mind., My son did this & still does sometimes. I think it’s part of his PDA part of his autism. Basically he really really wants to be equal in authority to the grown ups and when we’re having a conversation that he’s not included in, he feels the need to be included. 

It got a LOT better once he was medicated (anti-anxiety med & stimulant for his ADHD). We also reminded him not to interrupt, would just keep talking if he tried to talk over us, stuff like that. It was really frustrating for a long time but the meds really helped not feel insecure and bossy about me & husband having a conversation., My son just started doing something similar. Basically, he wants ALL of my attention. He is completely non verbal and is 4 1/2 yrs old. He cant speak but will demonstrate his neediness by jumping on my lap wherever it is I’m sitting, or by pulling my arm towards his playpen so I can sit with him. If I ignore him, he will throw a massive fit w/ some self injury. I work from home during the week and he is always in that room trying to jump on my lap while I work. If I am on the phone or scrolling he goes crazy!

I think he just wants all of your love and attention!, Following as we have similar situation with our 5 year old, My 5 year old daughter does this sometimes when I'm on the phone, talking to her father or even conversing with a friend. Sometimes, I just continue talking like she's not doing that, because half of the time she's playing a game on her tablet not even looking at us or me. Other times I'll stop what I'm doing or saying and I'll just go tickle her, she'll laugh hysterically and rarely will she continue doing that once I've picked up where I left off on the phone or whoever I was talking to... I thought she did that because she either wanted all my attention or she just wanted to be in the conversation. But similarly to most of all the responses here, she too, doesn't put many sentences together, if any... but when she does speak she's repeating something we're saying or more often she's repeating something she thought to be very funny to her from a brief portion of a cartoon she had watched and replayed over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again... often times those little 20 seconds of a cartoon skit gets stuck replaying in my brain until about 7am when she finally burns out from her random sleep schedule distrito. It's a nightmare honestly. I feel like she never sleeps. But that's another topic for discussion I guess., Both my kids do this and they're PDA autistic, so for them their autonomy/freedom of choice is being infringed upon and they aren't in control of themselves at that point. 3.5yo and 2yo, I can’t believe I’ve come across your post because we’ve had the same thing going on for several months with our 16 year old non verbal son.  My mom is here visiting and we literally cannot talk in the family room because he sits at the dining table on his iPad (it’s his safe little corner).  I felt like he started it after witnessing many arguments between husband and I (husband has drinking issues and should also be tested for being on the spectrum).  One day he just started making his loud protesting noise to stop us just from talking normal.   Even as we’ve calmed things down around him he is still at protesting when anyone is talking.  He sits in his spot on his iPad and loves to look at the digital frame at the same time so he’s stimming and doesn’t want to be bothered.  I also feel like he went for so long without making any noises and just absorbed it all and now he’s saying “hey you’re bugging me”.   Being that he’s 16 his protests are LOUD so it’s so jarring and I’ve tried the gentle parenting but I also get upset at him and tell him he’s interrupting us which isn’t nice.  
On top of this he’s refusing to go to school and has been home for a month!  We’ve tried everything and the school has sent support in the morning to try as well.   We’ve gone through this before when he was younger but he’s been at a private school now since Covid ended and he loves it! But now he’s refusing.   It’s so stressful and impacts our family greatly. 
I do think he has ODD or PDA along with his autism and his anxiety is terrible.  He’s on medication but that’s another story. 
I just had to comment when I saw your post because I feel your pain!!!!
(And that my mom and I are having to be in another room to talk🤣), I go through the same thing with my son. Anyone who's talking to me, he constantly ""needs to tell me something"" at that moment. I tell him forst you're supposed to say ""Excuse me"" or I tell you I'm talking to so and so please wait until I finish. I know part of it is that he's the only child.,  Could it be jealousy? My boy used to have a fit any time my older son would come and sit with me. It would be especially bad if we talked to each other. But I’m “allowed” to talk to my partner and anyone else. And his brother is “allowed” to talk to anyone else. Lol. Now he’s gotten over that, but he now has a crazy fit any time my older son comes out AT ALL and has decided that the only way it’s acceptable is if he has a specific video playing on his iPad, and panics trying to get to his iPad and get the video on quick enough, lol 😫. It’s not like I don’t spend almost every waking minute with him 🙄😂., My son still does this. He either starts yelling nonsense to talk over us or asks us to find something for him to get us to stop. We just look at him and sternly tell him we are talking and he needs to wait. Usually ends in him crying but he will stop I interrupting for a while., Mine does it too, he turned 5 not long ago 😅it’s annoying but kinda sweet, Does your son like trains? My son used to like them at that age. He moved to aircraft since then. He can't stand me singing at all but can watch videos online with singing in them., I can only dream of the day my kiddo repeats what we are saying. Nice problem to have from where I stand! 😀 Best of luck!, Exactly- there might be a reason for the behavior- and if it's possible to accommodate that- then by all means we should. But we also have a responsibility to help our kids adapt to the world they live in- many of them  will need support for their lifetime, and we are doing them an enormous disservice if we don't make helping them as pleasant and easy as it can possibly be- or their community will be extremely small. 
It's also important to remember that caregivers are also people with needs and it isn't fair or healthy to have one family member who consumes 100% of the energy, time,  and attention of everyone else. 

It is not unreasonable to suggest that one learn to remove themself from an uncomfortable situation if they are able- is going to another room if you don't want to hear someone speaking., Yeah, this would be close to my view. There are some things that just won't fly. My kid is more comfortable when he can control a situation. There are times he should not be controlling the situation. If he isn't happy with this he has the option to go somewhere else. That's what we try and teach anyway. Yes, you're autistic, however you don't get to be a dick without someone letting you know. Better to hear it from his parents than someone else. 

I figure it's a balance that we're always trying to negotiate. Are we accommodating too much, not enough? The joys. 

Each kid and family is different, of course., I would add: “It is rude to interrupt. If you cannot wait your turn to talk you will have to go to your room while Mama and Papa talk. Will you wait to talk or go in your room?” This will teach him to regulate his behavior…eventually, hopefully. Don’t just say stop talking, give a simple social rule. Later, “Don’t interrupt” should be all you need to say., I needed to read this today. My almost 7 year old son is doing this interruption thing when my husband and I try having a conversation. It’s seriously driving us mad and also driving a wedge between us. We just don’t know how to combat this. I’m going to try your method., Yeah. As soon as my kid turned five we started sending him to a few days of ""holiday camp"" (in the UK it's usually 9am-3pm, not overnight) every fortnight of holiday just do that my husband and I could spend some time able to finish a conversation without interruption.

Now he's six he responds better to ""if X is not finished by the end of the day, you'll be in holiday camp tomorrow so I can finish then,"" where X might be an important conversation, an errand, or a task at home, but there was a long period where the only thing we could do was put him in childcare more often., What if physically putting the child elsewhere/telling him to stop could result in a screaming, potentially violent, hours long meltdown?, And look at that! Instead of down votes, you got up voted over a hundred times lol. This one makes the most sense! Autism is the reason, but that doesn't mean they can't be taught. Babies drink bottles cuz theyre babies and have no teeth. But that doesn't mean you don't teach them to eat solids at 6 months just cuz ""they're babies"". Spectrum kids need to learn the same as any other kid!, We do the same thing. We tell our son to not talk above us when my husband and I are talking to each other. Honestly, his neurotypical sisters did this too when they were little. It could be a kid thing just to push our buttons., My first reaction was ""but then how do you hear each other"". I need to get more sleep, Yeah, as others have said, its very likely related to feeling overstimulated from voices. 

I get it too sometimes as an adult. But as an adult I'm often allowed to leave whatever situation is being too loud, go to another room to listen to music, or pop on earphones. Etc etc. To calm down. Not sure how much that actually works with kids of letting them go to another room, or the parents to move to another room to talk. My cousins never went through that stage growing up, least not that I can remember anyway., Noise cancelling headphones for yourselves? Or for your kid? We have some for ourselves which we use A LOT but mainly because we also have a very whingey 18 month old lol life is fun these days as you can tell., My daughter is 5 and she does this.... I usually just go tickle her and playfully tell her not to talk over me...  other days I'm not so much in the playing mood, I'll stop stare at her for a second, even though she's not looking at me... and when she notices the silence, she will stop talking then I'll resume, she usually won't do it again right after. But she has... she also does this when I'm on the phone, Thanks for this advice - we try to tell him very calmly each time that mummy and daddy are just having a conversation, we’re just talking - not arguing (we think his anxiety with us talking stems from him witnessing an argument his dad and I both had a few weeks ago). I’ve tried to sing the Ms Rachel ‘stop breathe slowly inhale slow’ song when he gets anxious and he hates it and says ‘no breathe slowly!!’., It’s just the fact that we’re talking!, Thank you, that’s super helpful. I need to do more research on PDA as I have a feeling my son has this too. At what age did your son start medication for anxiety if you don’t mind me asking?, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to sound ungrateful for the repetition of words, it would be the same problem even if he wasn’t repeating words - he would just be shouting over us until we stopped talking to each other. There are definitely worse problems to have - I was just looking for advice / tips on how to manage the anxiety side of it from my sons perspective., I completely agree., They may be in the spectrum, but they are still kids… and kids do things that will annoy and tick you off., Yes. We still have to parent our kids and that definitely means some things we don’t budge about and hold boundaries for., [deleted], Good luck, I hope it works for you too!, Honestly, that’s tough. But I’d keep doing it over and over until he gets it. That is, assuming, there is no significant intellectual disability that would prevent him from learning., I’m the same! It’s a common issue. I am sure this is what it most-likely is for OP, too. Let’s hope they can figure it out no matter what, though. Everyone deserves to be comfortable in their home, no matter their age., Oh, sorry! For our kid. It helped cut down overstimulation from our voices/talking. It works surprisingly well for us all, and she seems particularly happy., I use noise cancelling headphones for the kids (I have two with autism) and it really helps them with this sort of thing. Judging from the comments it seems really common, I had it too at one stage but it stopped eventually., Oh totally.  I'm over here trying to gentle parent my ass off so I can give my kids some emotional management skills,  but gentle parenting isn't really ideal for neurodivergent kids.  It's 10 times harder too because my son can't verbalize his feelings and sometimes doesn't even understand he's getting upset (relatable honestly). So I'm trying to help him understand the physical signs of stress,  anger,  etc (heart beat fast, tummy hurt etc.) And then things he can do to help himself calm down - go to another room,  headphones,  ask for help,  deep breaths.

Still waiting on a good parenting book geared towards nuerodivergent kids., He started on anti-anxiety medication right when he turned 7., Oh of course I understand. I was still just jealous of the problem, can't wait for my kiddo to start talking really. If he is getting ABA you could talk to his BCaBA or his SLP for tips to help with the behavior. Apologies I can't be of much help as we haven't run through this problem yet., My kid does not have disorganized attachment which is a very particular style from encountering trauma and harm. He is loved, loving and secure. He is confident, bolshy and encouraged.

My kid is four. It's literally part of his development to behave like a dick., What headphones are you using?  We have struck out so far in finding ones our son will tolerate, Gentle parenting is hard no matter what. It is so hard but so beneficial to kids. I think it works amazing for my neurodivergent kids. Something to try, I recently taught my kids about stimming and what it can look like, things all of us already do that are stimming and it worked better than expected. My 8 year old really struggles with calming down and since that talk and encouraging him to try stimming when upset he now rarely cries and when he does get that upset he's coming out of the emotion faster. It's helped him so much., [deleted], We are using [these](https://amzn.eu/d/gbHflaE) (in pink, because that’s the colour she chose). She loves them - though she still needs help popping them on. We also bought stickers to “customise” them, but she peeled them all off after a couple of weeks., That's a good idea.  Thank you!, It is irrelevant whether we think they’re being a “dick” or not - the behavior is unacceptable and causing harm therefore it needs to stop. We know the reason for the behavior. That doesn’t mean we have to accept it., I’m sure I’ll get downvoted but… My son used to do this a lot and it was honestly starting to interfere with my marriage because I could never have a casual conversation with my spouse. So every time our son did this, we told him very sternly to stop talking/be quiet, and physically put him somewhere else if he wouldn’t stop. 

A lot of things are explained by autism, but that doesn’t mean you have to excuse and accommodate every little thing, especially if they are truly annoying and rude behaviors. I always say… “autism is the reason he is doing XYZ, but XYZ is not acceptable, so we’re going to find a way to stop it.”, We’re experiencing exactly that problem currently. My husband and I were trying to talk today over our child as we stood on a train platform. When we ignored his screaming, he jumped out of his stroller (not strapped in - our mistake) and eloped on a train platform. Fortunately my husband caught him and there was no train coming in - but it was horrible. Accomplished the task though - we stopped talking. All to say, I have no advice, but lots of sympathy. Following for advice., Yes! Hate it! Adult conversations are the only thing keeping me sane most days.

I just do my best to ignore it, but reward him when behaves better., Yeah, our son does this. What his speech/OT people suggested is that it could be sensory overload if he is in the middle and both parents are talking, because he's effectively getting two different sound streams in each ear. They suggested that if we talk, we should both go off to one side and converse there.

The other thing we tell him is that ""mom and dad are just talking. We're not arguing. It's ok"" and then basically just keep plowing through his protests. With the hopes that he'll habituate to this., I’d say he’s probably annoyed by the sound, that turns to anxiety and he just does whatever to stop it. He’s learned if he does this behavior, you stop.. so he does it now to get you to stop. 

We treated Levi like the other two from the beginning for the most part. If he doesn’t like something, he can go elsewhere in the house while you have a conversation. He’s not allowed to interrupt conversations or be rude (within reason- he’s verbal but not conversational). To learn how to deal with these situations at 4 is a lot easier to deal with them at 14. Also, headphones for him might help., We began to pop noise cancelling headphones on for this kind of thing. Same reason. Our kid just didn’t enjoy the noise of us talking. Lol, Happens to us all of the time…. When he’s on the verge of a meltdown I learned to pick my battles. But when he’s being annoying about it I continue to talk and he eventually gets over it, Our daughter comes up to us and physically holds our mouths shut, also getting angry and even hitting us sometimes., [deleted], Does your son have intellectual disabilities that would cause him not to understand cause/ effect or not to be able to understand when he's being spoken to?  If so, the below won't necessarily apply. 

I know many ASD kids,  mine included,  have a LOT of anxiety and,  as a way to mitigate that anxiety will often try to control the behaviors of others.  I have to nip this in the bud early and often. 

What I would do is say ""we're taking right now. I know that makes you upset but you can always go into your quiet tent if you need a break""   We have a tent with a light machine/ white noise machine my son can use at any time to take a break when he's in sensory overload.  Then I'd keep talking and ignore the behavior.  I'm guessing he'll catch on pretty quickly that the behavior isn't getting the reaction he wants., I wouldn’t be surprised if my son does this one day. He used to be so upset if his dad and I touched or snuggled in front of him. We think he was jealous of me, cause he pull me away and push his dad away from me. Thankfully he has gotten over it with the addition of a new sibling but he still has his moments 😅, Yesss. Going through this right now. I’d suggest noise cancelling headphones. Our BCBA also suggested we purposefully start having convos and using a visual timer and then indicating “your turn” and “my turn” on his AAC to get him used to it., You can punish an ASD child just like a NT child... I punish my 3 year old nonverbal, not sure what LVL, autistic boy and he gets it. It may just take a few more times trying for them to get it. Not to long ago he developed a habit of hitting the tv with toys ALL THE TIME. I had enough, took the toys, turned off the tv and put him on time out in his room and I consistently did it everytime he hit the tv and now he no longer does. He will once in a while look in my direction and go to hit the tv with a toy and a big smile to get a giggle out of it but he's learned. I do accomodate his sensory issues but there has to be boundaries. Let him have a tantrum, it's your house too., Omg I’m reading this while in the car with my husband and 2 kids. My husband and I have been whispering about our plans for this evening but even that has my 3 yo screaming at us. Solidarity bc damn, RIP conversation I guess. 

Maybe we’ll try the texting thing lol, we hadn’t thought of that yet., Is he trying to interrupt the conversation to say something or is it just the fact that you two are talking?, I wish I could tell it stops but it doesn’t. We have two that are level 1 both with ADHD our middle schooler knows when my spouse and I are in the middle of a conversation to wait. My youngest will just walk into the room and just start talking about to us about whatever is on his mind., My son did this & still does sometimes. I think it’s part of his PDA part of his autism. Basically he really really wants to be equal in authority to the grown ups and when we’re having a conversation that he’s not included in, he feels the need to be included. 

It got a LOT better once he was medicated (anti-anxiety med & stimulant for his ADHD). We also reminded him not to interrupt, would just keep talking if he tried to talk over us, stuff like that. It was really frustrating for a long time but the meds really helped not feel insecure and bossy about me & husband having a conversation., My son just started doing something similar. Basically, he wants ALL of my attention. He is completely non verbal and is 4 1/2 yrs old. He cant speak but will demonstrate his neediness by jumping on my lap wherever it is I’m sitting, or by pulling my arm towards his playpen so I can sit with him. If I ignore him, he will throw a massive fit w/ some self injury. I work from home during the week and he is always in that room trying to jump on my lap while I work. If I am on the phone or scrolling he goes crazy!

I think he just wants all of your love and attention!, Following as we have similar situation with our 5 year old, My 5 year old daughter does this sometimes when I'm on the phone, talking to her father or even conversing with a friend. Sometimes, I just continue talking like she's not doing that, because half of the time she's playing a game on her tablet not even looking at us or me. Other times I'll stop what I'm doing or saying and I'll just go tickle her, she'll laugh hysterically and rarely will she continue doing that once I've picked up where I left off on the phone or whoever I was talking to... I thought she did that because she either wanted all my attention or she just wanted to be in the conversation. But similarly to most of all the responses here, she too, doesn't put many sentences together, if any... but when she does speak she's repeating something we're saying or more often she's repeating something she thought to be very funny to her from a brief portion of a cartoon she had watched and replayed over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again... often times those little 20 seconds of a cartoon skit gets stuck replaying in my brain until about 7am when she finally burns out from her random sleep schedule distrito. It's a nightmare honestly. I feel like she never sleeps. But that's another topic for discussion I guess., Both my kids do this and they're PDA autistic, so for them their autonomy/freedom of choice is being infringed upon and they aren't in control of themselves at that point. 3.5yo and 2yo, I can’t believe I’ve come across your post because we’ve had the same thing going on for several months with our 16 year old non verbal son.  My mom is here visiting and we literally cannot talk in the family room because he sits at the dining table on his iPad (it’s his safe little corner).  I felt like he started it after witnessing many arguments between husband and I (husband has drinking issues and should also be tested for being on the spectrum).  One day he just started making his loud protesting noise to stop us just from talking normal.   Even as we’ve calmed things down around him he is still at protesting when anyone is talking.  He sits in his spot on his iPad and loves to look at the digital frame at the same time so he’s stimming and doesn’t want to be bothered.  I also feel like he went for so long without making any noises and just absorbed it all and now he’s saying “hey you’re bugging me”.   Being that he’s 16 his protests are LOUD so it’s so jarring and I’ve tried the gentle parenting but I also get upset at him and tell him he’s interrupting us which isn’t nice.  
On top of this he’s refusing to go to school and has been home for a month!  We’ve tried everything and the school has sent support in the morning to try as well.   We’ve gone through this before when he was younger but he’s been at a private school now since Covid ended and he loves it! But now he’s refusing.   It’s so stressful and impacts our family greatly. 
I do think he has ODD or PDA along with his autism and his anxiety is terrible.  He’s on medication but that’s another story. 
I just had to comment when I saw your post because I feel your pain!!!!
(And that my mom and I are having to be in another room to talk🤣), I go through the same thing with my son. Anyone who's talking to me, he constantly ""needs to tell me something"" at that moment. I tell him forst you're supposed to say ""Excuse me"" or I tell you I'm talking to so and so please wait until I finish. I know part of it is that he's the only child.,  Could it be jealousy? My boy used to have a fit any time my older son would come and sit with me. It would be especially bad if we talked to each other. But I’m “allowed” to talk to my partner and anyone else. And his brother is “allowed” to talk to anyone else. Lol. Now he’s gotten over that, but he now has a crazy fit any time my older son comes out AT ALL and has decided that the only way it’s acceptable is if he has a specific video playing on his iPad, and panics trying to get to his iPad and get the video on quick enough, lol 😫. It’s not like I don’t spend almost every waking minute with him 🙄😂., My son still does this. He either starts yelling nonsense to talk over us or asks us to find something for him to get us to stop. We just look at him and sternly tell him we are talking and he needs to wait. Usually ends in him crying but he will stop I interrupting for a while., Mine does it too, he turned 5 not long ago 😅it’s annoying but kinda sweet, Does your son like trains? My son used to like them at that age. He moved to aircraft since then. He can't stand me singing at all but can watch videos online with singing in them., I can only dream of the day my kiddo repeats what we are saying. Nice problem to have from where I stand! 😀 Best of luck!, Exactly- there might be a reason for the behavior- and if it's possible to accommodate that- then by all means we should. But we also have a responsibility to help our kids adapt to the world they live in- many of them  will need support for their lifetime, and we are doing them an enormous disservice if we don't make helping them as pleasant and easy as it can possibly be- or their community will be extremely small. 
It's also important to remember that caregivers are also people with needs and it isn't fair or healthy to have one family member who consumes 100% of the energy, time,  and attention of everyone else. 

It is not unreasonable to suggest that one learn to remove themself from an uncomfortable situation if they are able- is going to another room if you don't want to hear someone speaking., Yeah, this would be close to my view. There are some things that just won't fly. My kid is more comfortable when he can control a situation. There are times he should not be controlling the situation. If he isn't happy with this he has the option to go somewhere else. That's what we try and teach anyway. Yes, you're autistic, however you don't get to be a dick without someone letting you know. Better to hear it from his parents than someone else. 

I figure it's a balance that we're always trying to negotiate. Are we accommodating too much, not enough? The joys. 

Each kid and family is different, of course., I would add: “It is rude to interrupt. If you cannot wait your turn to talk you will have to go to your room while Mama and Papa talk. Will you wait to talk or go in your room?” This will teach him to regulate his behavior…eventually, hopefully. Don’t just say stop talking, give a simple social rule. Later, “Don’t interrupt” should be all you need to say., I needed to read this today. My almost 7 year old son is doing this interruption thing when my husband and I try having a conversation. It’s seriously driving us mad and also driving a wedge between us. We just don’t know how to combat this. I’m going to try your method., Yeah. As soon as my kid turned five we started sending him to a few days of ""holiday camp"" (in the UK it's usually 9am-3pm, not overnight) every fortnight of holiday just do that my husband and I could spend some time able to finish a conversation without interruption.

Now he's six he responds better to ""if X is not finished by the end of the day, you'll be in holiday camp tomorrow so I can finish then,"" where X might be an important conversation, an errand, or a task at home, but there was a long period where the only thing we could do was put him in childcare more often., What if physically putting the child elsewhere/telling him to stop could result in a screaming, potentially violent, hours long meltdown?, And look at that! Instead of down votes, you got up voted over a hundred times lol. This one makes the most sense! Autism is the reason, but that doesn't mean they can't be taught. Babies drink bottles cuz theyre babies and have no teeth. But that doesn't mean you don't teach them to eat solids at 6 months just cuz ""they're babies"". Spectrum kids need to learn the same as any other kid!, We do the same thing. We tell our son to not talk above us when my husband and I are talking to each other. Honestly, his neurotypical sisters did this too when they were little. It could be a kid thing just to push our buttons., My first reaction was ""but then how do you hear each other"". I need to get more sleep, Yeah, as others have said, its very likely related to feeling overstimulated from voices. 

I get it too sometimes as an adult. But as an adult I'm often allowed to leave whatever situation is being too loud, go to another room to listen to music, or pop on earphones. Etc etc. To calm down. Not sure how much that actually works with kids of letting them go to another room, or the parents to move to another room to talk. My cousins never went through that stage growing up, least not that I can remember anyway., Noise cancelling headphones for yourselves? Or for your kid? We have some for ourselves which we use A LOT but mainly because we also have a very whingey 18 month old lol life is fun these days as you can tell., My daughter is 5 and she does this.... I usually just go tickle her and playfully tell her not to talk over me...  other days I'm not so much in the playing mood, I'll stop stare at her for a second, even though she's not looking at me... and when she notices the silence, she will stop talking then I'll resume, she usually won't do it again right after. But she has... she also does this when I'm on the phone, Thanks for this advice - we try to tell him very calmly each time that mummy and daddy are just having a conversation, we’re just talking - not arguing (we think his anxiety with us talking stems from him witnessing an argument his dad and I both had a few weeks ago). I’ve tried to sing the Ms Rachel ‘stop breathe slowly inhale slow’ song when he gets anxious and he hates it and says ‘no breathe slowly!!’., It’s just the fact that we’re talking!, Thank you, that’s super helpful. I need to do more research on PDA as I have a feeling my son has this too. At what age did your son start medication for anxiety if you don’t mind me asking?, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to sound ungrateful for the repetition of words, it would be the same problem even if he wasn’t repeating words - he would just be shouting over us until we stopped talking to each other. There are definitely worse problems to have - I was just looking for advice / tips on how to manage the anxiety side of it from my sons perspective., I completely agree., They may be in the spectrum, but they are still kids… and kids do things that will annoy and tick you off., Yes. We still have to parent our kids and that definitely means some things we don’t budge about and hold boundaries for., [deleted], Good luck, I hope it works for you too!, Honestly, that’s tough. But I’d keep doing it over and over until he gets it. That is, assuming, there is no significant intellectual disability that would prevent him from learning., I’m the same! It’s a common issue. I am sure this is what it most-likely is for OP, too. Let’s hope they can figure it out no matter what, though. Everyone deserves to be comfortable in their home, no matter their age., Oh, sorry! For our kid. It helped cut down overstimulation from our voices/talking. It works surprisingly well for us all, and she seems particularly happy., I use noise cancelling headphones for the kids (I have two with autism) and it really helps them with this sort of thing. Judging from the comments it seems really common, I had it too at one stage but it stopped eventually., Oh totally.  I'm over here trying to gentle parent my ass off so I can give my kids some emotional management skills,  but gentle parenting isn't really ideal for neurodivergent kids.  It's 10 times harder too because my son can't verbalize his feelings and sometimes doesn't even understand he's getting upset (relatable honestly). So I'm trying to help him understand the physical signs of stress,  anger,  etc (heart beat fast, tummy hurt etc.) And then things he can do to help himself calm down - go to another room,  headphones,  ask for help,  deep breaths.

Still waiting on a good parenting book geared towards nuerodivergent kids., He started on anti-anxiety medication right when he turned 7., Oh of course I understand. I was still just jealous of the problem, can't wait for my kiddo to start talking really. If he is getting ABA you could talk to his BCaBA or his SLP for tips to help with the behavior. Apologies I can't be of much help as we haven't run through this problem yet., My kid does not have disorganized attachment which is a very particular style from encountering trauma and harm. He is loved, loving and secure. He is confident, bolshy and encouraged.

My kid is four. It's literally part of his development to behave like a dick., What headphones are you using?  We have struck out so far in finding ones our son will tolerate, Gentle parenting is hard no matter what. It is so hard but so beneficial to kids. I think it works amazing for my neurodivergent kids. Something to try, I recently taught my kids about stimming and what it can look like, things all of us already do that are stimming and it worked better than expected. My 8 year old really struggles with calming down and since that talk and encouraging him to try stimming when upset he now rarely cries and when he does get that upset he's coming out of the emotion faster. It's helped him so much., [deleted], We are using [these](https://amzn.eu/d/gbHflaE) (in pink, because that’s the colour she chose). She loves them - though she still needs help popping them on. We also bought stickers to “customise” them, but she peeled them all off after a couple of weeks., That's a good idea.  Thank you!, It is irrelevant whether we think they’re being a “dick” or not - the behavior is unacceptable and causing harm therefore it needs to stop. We know the reason for the behavior. That doesn’t mean we have to accept it., I’m sure I’ll get downvoted but… My son used to do this a lot and it was honestly starting to interfere with my marriage because I could never have a casual conversation with my spouse. So every time our son did this, we told him very sternly to stop talking/be quiet, and physically put him somewhere else if he wouldn’t stop. 

A lot of things are explained by autism, but that doesn’t mean you have to excuse and accommodate every little thing, especially if they are truly annoying and rude behaviors. I always say… “autism is the reason he is doing XYZ, but XYZ is not acceptable, so we’re going to find a way to stop it.”, We’re experiencing exactly that problem currently. My husband and I were trying to talk today over our child as we stood on a train platform. When we ignored his screaming, he jumped out of his stroller (not strapped in - our mistake) and eloped on a train platform. Fortunately my husband caught him and there was no train coming in - but it was horrible. Accomplished the task though - we stopped talking. All to say, I have no advice, but lots of sympathy. Following for advice., Yes! Hate it! Adult conversations are the only thing keeping me sane most days.

I just do my best to ignore it, but reward him when behaves better., Yeah, our son does this. What his speech/OT people suggested is that it could be sensory overload if he is in the middle and both parents are talking, because he's effectively getting two different sound streams in each ear. They suggested that if we talk, we should both go off to one side and converse there.

The other thing we tell him is that ""mom and dad are just talking. We're not arguing. It's ok"" and then basically just keep plowing through his protests. With the hopes that he'll habituate to this., I’d say he’s probably annoyed by the sound, that turns to anxiety and he just does whatever to stop it. He’s learned if he does this behavior, you stop.. so he does it now to get you to stop. 

We treated Levi like the other two from the beginning for the most part. If he doesn’t like something, he can go elsewhere in the house while you have a conversation. He’s not allowed to interrupt conversations or be rude (within reason- he’s verbal but not conversational). To learn how to deal with these situations at 4 is a lot easier to deal with them at 14. Also, headphones for him might help., We began to pop noise cancelling headphones on for this kind of thing. Same reason. Our kid just didn’t enjoy the noise of us talking. Lol, Happens to us all of the time…. When he’s on the verge of a meltdown I learned to pick my battles. But when he’s being annoying about it I continue to talk and he eventually gets over it, Our daughter comes up to us and physically holds our mouths shut, also getting angry and even hitting us sometimes., [deleted], Does your son have intellectual disabilities that would cause him not to understand cause/ effect or not to be able to understand when he's being spoken to?  If so, the below won't necessarily apply. 

I know many ASD kids,  mine included,  have a LOT of anxiety and,  as a way to mitigate that anxiety will often try to control the behaviors of others.  I have to nip this in the bud early and often. 

What I would do is say ""we're taking right now. I know that makes you upset but you can always go into your quiet tent if you need a break""   We have a tent with a light machine/ white noise machine my son can use at any time to take a break when he's in sensory overload.  Then I'd keep talking and ignore the behavior.  I'm guessing he'll catch on pretty quickly that the behavior isn't getting the reaction he wants., I wouldn’t be surprised if my son does this one day. He used to be so upset if his dad and I touched or snuggled in front of him. We think he was jealous of me, cause he pull me away and push his dad away from me. Thankfully he has gotten over it with the addition of a new sibling but he still has his moments 😅, Yesss. Going through this right now. I’d suggest noise cancelling headphones. Our BCBA also suggested we purposefully start having convos and using a visual timer and then indicating “your turn” and “my turn” on his AAC to get him used to it., You can punish an ASD child just like a NT child... I punish my 3 year old nonverbal, not sure what LVL, autistic boy and he gets it. It may just take a few more times trying for them to get it. Not to long ago he developed a habit of hitting the tv with toys ALL THE TIME. I had enough, took the toys, turned off the tv and put him on time out in his room and I consistently did it everytime he hit the tv and now he no longer does. He will once in a while look in my direction and go to hit the tv with a toy and a big smile to get a giggle out of it but he's learned. I do accomodate his sensory issues but there has to be boundaries. Let him have a tantrum, it's your house too., Omg I’m reading this while in the car with my husband and 2 kids. My husband and I have been whispering about our plans for this evening but even that has my 3 yo screaming at us. Solidarity bc damn, RIP conversation I guess. 

Maybe we’ll try the texting thing lol, we hadn’t thought of that yet., Is he trying to interrupt the conversation to say something or is it just the fact that you two are talking?, I wish I could tell it stops but it doesn’t. We have two that are level 1 both with ADHD our middle schooler knows when my spouse and I are in the middle of a conversation to wait. My youngest will just walk into the room and just start talking about to us about whatever is on his mind., My son did this & still does sometimes. I think it’s part of his PDA part of his autism. Basically he really really wants to be equal in authority to the grown ups and when we’re having a conversation that he’s not included in, he feels the need to be included. 

It got a LOT better once he was medicated (anti-anxiety med & stimulant for his ADHD). We also reminded him not to interrupt, would just keep talking if he tried to talk over us, stuff like that. It was really frustrating for a long time but the meds really helped not feel insecure and bossy about me & husband having a conversation., My son just started doing something similar. Basically, he wants ALL of my attention. He is completely non verbal and is 4 1/2 yrs old. He cant speak but will demonstrate his neediness by jumping on my lap wherever it is I’m sitting, or by pulling my arm towards his playpen so I can sit with him. If I ignore him, he will throw a massive fit w/ some self injury. I work from home during the week and he is always in that room trying to jump on my lap while I work. If I am on the phone or scrolling he goes crazy!

I think he just wants all of your love and attention!, Following as we have similar situation with our 5 year old, My 5 year old daughter does this sometimes when I'm on the phone, talking to her father or even conversing with a friend. Sometimes, I just continue talking like she's not doing that, because half of the time she's playing a game on her tablet not even looking at us or me. Other times I'll stop what I'm doing or saying and I'll just go tickle her, she'll laugh hysterically and rarely will she continue doing that once I've picked up where I left off on the phone or whoever I was talking to... I thought she did that because she either wanted all my attention or she just wanted to be in the conversation. But similarly to most of all the responses here, she too, doesn't put many sentences together, if any... but when she does speak she's repeating something we're saying or more often she's repeating something she thought to be very funny to her from a brief portion of a cartoon she had watched and replayed over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again... often times those little 20 seconds of a cartoon skit gets stuck replaying in my brain until about 7am when she finally burns out from her random sleep schedule distrito. It's a nightmare honestly. I feel like she never sleeps. But that's another topic for discussion I guess., Both my kids do this and they're PDA autistic, so for them their autonomy/freedom of choice is being infringed upon and they aren't in control of themselves at that point. 3.5yo and 2yo, I can’t believe I’ve come across your post because we’ve had the same thing going on for several months with our 16 year old non verbal son.  My mom is here visiting and we literally cannot talk in the family room because he sits at the dining table on his iPad (it’s his safe little corner).  I felt like he started it after witnessing many arguments between husband and I (husband has drinking issues and should also be tested for being on the spectrum).  One day he just started making his loud protesting noise to stop us just from talking normal.   Even as we’ve calmed things down around him he is still at protesting when anyone is talking.  He sits in his spot on his iPad and loves to look at the digital frame at the same time so he’s stimming and doesn’t want to be bothered.  I also feel like he went for so long without making any noises and just absorbed it all and now he’s saying “hey you’re bugging me”.   Being that he’s 16 his protests are LOUD so it’s so jarring and I’ve tried the gentle parenting but I also get upset at him and tell him he’s interrupting us which isn’t nice.  
On top of this he’s refusing to go to school and has been home for a month!  We’ve tried everything and the school has sent support in the morning to try as well.   We’ve gone through this before when he was younger but he’s been at a private school now since Covid ended and he loves it! But now he’s refusing.   It’s so stressful and impacts our family greatly. 
I do think he has ODD or PDA along with his autism and his anxiety is terrible.  He’s on medication but that’s another story. 
I just had to comment when I saw your post because I feel your pain!!!!
(And that my mom and I are having to be in another room to talk🤣), I go through the same thing with my son. Anyone who's talking to me, he constantly ""needs to tell me something"" at that moment. I tell him forst you're supposed to say ""Excuse me"" or I tell you I'm talking to so and so please wait until I finish. I know part of it is that he's the only child.,  Could it be jealousy? My boy used to have a fit any time my older son would come and sit with me. It would be especially bad if we talked to each other. But I’m “allowed” to talk to my partner and anyone else. And his brother is “allowed” to talk to anyone else. Lol. Now he’s gotten over that, but he now has a crazy fit any time my older son comes out AT ALL and has decided that the only way it’s acceptable is if he has a specific video playing on his iPad, and panics trying to get to his iPad and get the video on quick enough, lol 😫. It’s not like I don’t spend almost every waking minute with him 🙄😂., My son still does this. He either starts yelling nonsense to talk over us or asks us to find something for him to get us to stop. We just look at him and sternly tell him we are talking and he needs to wait. Usually ends in him crying but he will stop I interrupting for a while., Mine does it too, he turned 5 not long ago 😅it’s annoying but kinda sweet, Does your son like trains? My son used to like them at that age. He moved to aircraft since then. He can't stand me singing at all but can watch videos online with singing in them., I can only dream of the day my kiddo repeats what we are saying. Nice problem to have from where I stand! 😀 Best of luck!, Exactly- there might be a reason for the behavior- and if it's possible to accommodate that- then by all means we should. But we also have a responsibility to help our kids adapt to the world they live in- many of them  will need support for their lifetime, and we are doing them an enormous disservice if we don't make helping them as pleasant and easy as it can possibly be- or their community will be extremely small. 
It's also important to remember that caregivers are also people with needs and it isn't fair or healthy to have one family member who consumes 100% of the energy, time,  and attention of everyone else. 

It is not unreasonable to suggest that one learn to remove themself from an uncomfortable situation if they are able- is going to another room if you don't want to hear someone speaking., Yeah, this would be close to my view. There are some things that just won't fly. My kid is more comfortable when he can control a situation. There are times he should not be controlling the situation. If he isn't happy with this he has the option to go somewhere else. That's what we try and teach anyway. Yes, you're autistic, however you don't get to be a dick without someone letting you know. Better to hear it from his parents than someone else. 

I figure it's a balance that we're always trying to negotiate. Are we accommodating too much, not enough? The joys. 

Each kid and family is different, of course., I would add: “It is rude to interrupt. If you cannot wait your turn to talk you will have to go to your room while Mama and Papa talk. Will you wait to talk or go in your room?” This will teach him to regulate his behavior…eventually, hopefully. Don’t just say stop talking, give a simple social rule. Later, “Don’t interrupt” should be all you need to say., I needed to read this today. My almost 7 year old son is doing this interruption thing when my husband and I try having a conversation. It’s seriously driving us mad and also driving a wedge between us. We just don’t know how to combat this. I’m going to try your method., Yeah. As soon as my kid turned five we started sending him to a few days of ""holiday camp"" (in the UK it's usually 9am-3pm, not overnight) every fortnight of holiday just do that my husband and I could spend some time able to finish a conversation without interruption.

Now he's six he responds better to ""if X is not finished by the end of the day, you'll be in holiday camp tomorrow so I can finish then,"" where X might be an important conversation, an errand, or a task at home, but there was a long period where the only thing we could do was put him in childcare more often., What if physically putting the child elsewhere/telling him to stop could result in a screaming, potentially violent, hours long meltdown?, And look at that! Instead of down votes, you got up voted over a hundred times lol. This one makes the most sense! Autism is the reason, but that doesn't mean they can't be taught. Babies drink bottles cuz theyre babies and have no teeth. But that doesn't mean you don't teach them to eat solids at 6 months just cuz ""they're babies"". Spectrum kids need to learn the same as any other kid!, We do the same thing. We tell our son to not talk above us when my husband and I are talking to each other. Honestly, his neurotypical sisters did this too when they were little. It could be a kid thing just to push our buttons., My first reaction was ""but then how do you hear each other"". I need to get more sleep, Yeah, as others have said, its very likely related to feeling overstimulated from voices. 

I get it too sometimes as an adult. But as an adult I'm often allowed to leave whatever situation is being too loud, go to another room to listen to music, or pop on earphones. Etc etc. To calm down. Not sure how much that actually works with kids of letting them go to another room, or the parents to move to another room to talk. My cousins never went through that stage growing up, least not that I can remember anyway., Noise cancelling headphones for yourselves? Or for your kid? We have some for ourselves which we use A LOT but mainly because we also have a very whingey 18 month old lol life is fun these days as you can tell., My daughter is 5 and she does this.... I usually just go tickle her and playfully tell her not to talk over me...  other days I'm not so much in the playing mood, I'll stop stare at her for a second, even though she's not looking at me... and when she notices the silence, she will stop talking then I'll resume, she usually won't do it again right after. But she has... she also does this when I'm on the phone, Thanks for this advice - we try to tell him very calmly each time that mummy and daddy are just having a conversation, we’re just talking - not arguing (we think his anxiety with us talking stems from him witnessing an argument his dad and I both had a few weeks ago). I’ve tried to sing the Ms Rachel ‘stop breathe slowly inhale slow’ song when he gets anxious and he hates it and says ‘no breathe slowly!!’., It’s just the fact that we’re talking!, Thank you, that’s super helpful. I need to do more research on PDA as I have a feeling my son has this too. At what age did your son start medication for anxiety if you don’t mind me asking?, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to sound ungrateful for the repetition of words, it would be the same problem even if he wasn’t repeating words - he would just be shouting over us until we stopped talking to each other. There are definitely worse problems to have - I was just looking for advice / tips on how to manage the anxiety side of it from my sons perspective., I completely agree., They may be in the spectrum, but they are still kids… and kids do things that will annoy and tick you off., Yes. We still have to parent our kids and that definitely means some things we don’t budge about and hold boundaries for., [deleted], Good luck, I hope it works for you too!, Honestly, that’s tough. But I’d keep doing it over and over until he gets it. That is, assuming, there is no significant intellectual disability that would prevent him from learning., I’m the same! It’s a common issue. I am sure this is what it most-likely is for OP, too. Let’s hope they can figure it out no matter what, though. Everyone deserves to be comfortable in their home, no matter their age., Oh, sorry! For our kid. It helped cut down overstimulation from our voices/talking. It works surprisingly well for us all, and she seems particularly happy., I use noise cancelling headphones for the kids (I have two with autism) and it really helps them with this sort of thing. Judging from the comments it seems really common, I had it too at one stage but it stopped eventually., Oh totally.  I'm over here trying to gentle parent my ass off so I can give my kids some emotional management skills,  but gentle parenting isn't really ideal for neurodivergent kids.  It's 10 times harder too because my son can't verbalize his feelings and sometimes doesn't even understand he's getting upset (relatable honestly). So I'm trying to help him understand the physical signs of stress,  anger,  etc (heart beat fast, tummy hurt etc.) And then things he can do to help himself calm down - go to another room,  headphones,  ask for help,  deep breaths.

Still waiting on a good parenting book geared towards nuerodivergent kids., He started on anti-anxiety medication right when he turned 7., Oh of course I understand. I was still just jealous of the problem, can't wait for my kiddo to start talking really. If he is getting ABA you could talk to his BCaBA or his SLP for tips to help with the behavior. Apologies I can't be of much help as we haven't run through this problem yet., My kid does not have disorganized attachment which is a very particular style from encountering trauma and harm. He is loved, loving and secure. He is confident, bolshy and encouraged.

My kid is four. It's literally part of his development to behave like a dick., What headphones are you using?  We have struck out so far in finding ones our son will tolerate, Gentle parenting is hard no matter what. It is so hard but so beneficial to kids. I think it works amazing for my neurodivergent kids. Something to try, I recently taught my kids about stimming and what it can look like, things all of us already do that are stimming and it worked better than expected. My 8 year old really struggles with calming down and since that talk and encouraging him to try stimming when upset he now rarely cries and when he does get that upset he's coming out of the emotion faster. It's helped him so much., [deleted], We are using [these](https://amzn.eu/d/gbHflaE) (in pink, because that’s the colour she chose). She loves them - though she still needs help popping them on. We also bought stickers to “customise” them, but she peeled them all off after a couple of weeks., That's a good idea.  Thank you!, It is irrelevant whether we think they’re being a “dick” or not - the behavior is unacceptable and causing harm therefore it needs to stop. We know the reason for the behavior. That doesn’t mean we have to accept it., I’m sure I’ll get downvoted but… My son used to do this a lot and it was honestly starting to interfere with my marriage because I could never have a casual conversation with my spouse. So every time our son did this, we told him very sternly to stop talking/be quiet, and physically put him somewhere else if he wouldn’t stop. 

A lot of things are explained by autism, but that doesn’t mean you have to excuse and accommodate every little thing, especially if they are truly annoying and rude behaviors. I always say… “autism is the reason he is doing XYZ, but XYZ is not acceptable, so we’re going to find a way to stop it.”, We’re experiencing exactly that problem currently. My husband and I were trying to talk today over our child as we stood on a train platform. When we ignored his screaming, he jumped out of his stroller (not strapped in - our mistake) and eloped on a train platform. Fortunately my husband caught him and there was no train coming in - but it was horrible. Accomplished the task though - we stopped talking. All to say, I have no advice, but lots of sympathy. Following for advice., Yes! Hate it! Adult conversations are the only thing keeping me sane most days.

I just do my best to ignore it, but reward him when behaves better., Yeah, our son does this. What his speech/OT people suggested is that it could be sensory overload if he is in the middle and both parents are talking, because he's effectively getting two different sound streams in each ear. They suggested that if we talk, we should both go off to one side and converse there.

The other thing we tell him is that ""mom and dad are just talking. We're not arguing. It's ok"" and then basically just keep plowing through his protests. With the hopes that he'll habituate to this., I’d say he’s probably annoyed by the sound, that turns to anxiety and he just does whatever to stop it. He’s learned if he does this behavior, you stop.. so he does it now to get you to stop. 

We treated Levi like the other two from the beginning for the most part. If he doesn’t like something, he can go elsewhere in the house while you have a conversation. He’s not allowed to interrupt conversations or be rude (within reason- he’s verbal but not conversational). To learn how to deal with these situations at 4 is a lot easier to deal with them at 14. Also, headphones for him might help., We began to pop noise cancelling headphones on for this kind of thing. Same reason. Our kid just didn’t enjoy the noise of us talking. Lol, Happens to us all of the time…. When he’s on the verge of a meltdown I learned to pick my battles. But when he’s being annoying about it I continue to talk and he eventually gets over it, Our daughter comes up to us and physically holds our mouths shut, also getting angry and even hitting us sometimes., [deleted], Does your son have intellectual disabilities that would cause him not to understand cause/ effect or not to be able to understand when he's being spoken to?  If so, the below won't necessarily apply. 

I know many ASD kids,  mine included,  have a LOT of anxiety and,  as a way to mitigate that anxiety will often try to control the behaviors of others.  I have to nip this in the bud early and often. 

What I would do is say ""we're taking right now. I know that makes you upset but you can always go into your quiet tent if you need a break""   We have a tent with a light machine/ white noise machine my son can use at any time to take a break when he's in sensory overload.  Then I'd keep talking and ignore the behavior.  I'm guessing he'll catch on pretty quickly that the behavior isn't getting the reaction he wants., I wouldn’t be surprised if my son does this one day. He used to be so upset if his dad and I touched or snuggled in front of him. We think he was jealous of me, cause he pull me away and push his dad away from me. Thankfully he has gotten over it with the addition of a new sibling but he still has his moments 😅, Yesss. Going through this right now. I’d suggest noise cancelling headphones. Our BCBA also suggested we purposefully start having convos and using a visual timer and then indicating “your turn” and “my turn” on his AAC to get him used to it., You can punish an ASD child just like a NT child... I punish my 3 year old nonverbal, not sure what LVL, autistic boy and he gets it. It may just take a few more times trying for them to get it. Not to long ago he developed a habit of hitting the tv with toys ALL THE TIME. I had enough, took the toys, turned off the tv and put him on time out in his room and I consistently did it everytime he hit the tv and now he no longer does. He will once in a while look in my direction and go to hit the tv with a toy and a big smile to get a giggle out of it but he's learned. I do accomodate his sensory issues but there has to be boundaries. Let him have a tantrum, it's your house too., Omg I’m reading this while in the car with my husband and 2 kids. My husband and I have been whispering about our plans for this evening but even that has my 3 yo screaming at us. Solidarity bc damn, RIP conversation I guess. 

Maybe we’ll try the texting thing lol, we hadn’t thought of that yet., Is he trying to interrupt the conversation to say something or is it just the fact that you two are talking?, I wish I could tell it stops but it doesn’t. We have two that are level 1 both with ADHD our middle schooler knows when my spouse and I are in the middle of a conversation to wait. My youngest will just walk into the room and just start talking about to us about whatever is on his mind., My son did this & still does sometimes. I think it’s part of his PDA part of his autism. Basically he really really wants to be equal in authority to the grown ups and when we’re having a conversation that he’s not included in, he feels the need to be included. 

It got a LOT better once he was medicated (anti-anxiety med & stimulant for his ADHD). We also reminded him not to interrupt, would just keep talking if he tried to talk over us, stuff like that. It was really frustrating for a long time but the meds really helped not feel insecure and bossy about me & husband having a conversation., My son just started doing something similar. Basically, he wants ALL of my attention. He is completely non verbal and is 4 1/2 yrs old. He cant speak but will demonstrate his neediness by jumping on my lap wherever it is I’m sitting, or by pulling my arm towards his playpen so I can sit with him. If I ignore him, he will throw a massive fit w/ some self injury. I work from home during the week and he is always in that room trying to jump on my lap while I work. If I am on the phone or scrolling he goes crazy!

I think he just wants all of your love and attention!, Following as we have similar situation with our 5 year old, My 5 year old daughter does this sometimes when I'm on the phone, talking to her father or even conversing with a friend. Sometimes, I just continue talking like she's not doing that, because half of the time she's playing a game on her tablet not even looking at us or me. Other times I'll stop what I'm doing or saying and I'll just go tickle her, she'll laugh hysterically and rarely will she continue doing that once I've picked up where I left off on the phone or whoever I was talking to... I thought she did that because she either wanted all my attention or she just wanted to be in the conversation. But similarly to most of all the responses here, she too, doesn't put many sentences together, if any... but when she does speak she's repeating something we're saying or more often she's repeating something she thought to be very funny to her from a brief portion of a cartoon she had watched and replayed over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again... often times those little 20 seconds of a cartoon skit gets stuck replaying in my brain until about 7am when she finally burns out from her random sleep schedule distrito. It's a nightmare honestly. I feel like she never sleeps. But that's another topic for discussion I guess., Both my kids do this and they're PDA autistic, so for them their autonomy/freedom of choice is being infringed upon and they aren't in control of themselves at that point. 3.5yo and 2yo, I can’t believe I’ve come across your post because we’ve had the same thing going on for several months with our 16 year old non verbal son.  My mom is here visiting and we literally cannot talk in the family room because he sits at the dining table on his iPad (it’s his safe little corner).  I felt like he started it after witnessing many arguments between husband and I (husband has drinking issues and should also be tested for being on the spectrum).  One day he just started making his loud protesting noise to stop us just from talking normal.   Even as we’ve calmed things down around him he is still at protesting when anyone is talking.  He sits in his spot on his iPad and loves to look at the digital frame at the same time so he’s stimming and doesn’t want to be bothered.  I also feel like he went for so long without making any noises and just absorbed it all and now he’s saying “hey you’re bugging me”.   Being that he’s 16 his protests are LOUD so it’s so jarring and I’ve tried the gentle parenting but I also get upset at him and tell him he’s interrupting us which isn’t nice.  
On top of this he’s refusing to go to school and has been home for a month!  We’ve tried everything and the school has sent support in the morning to try as well.   We’ve gone through this before when he was younger but he’s been at a private school now since Covid ended and he loves it! But now he’s refusing.   It’s so stressful and impacts our family greatly. 
I do think he has ODD or PDA along with his autism and his anxiety is terrible.  He’s on medication but that’s another story. 
I just had to comment when I saw your post because I feel your pain!!!!
(And that my mom and I are having to be in another room to talk🤣), I go through the same thing with my son. Anyone who's talking to me, he constantly ""needs to tell me something"" at that moment. I tell him forst you're supposed to say ""Excuse me"" or I tell you I'm talking to so and so please wait until I finish. I know part of it is that he's the only child.,  Could it be jealousy? My boy used to have a fit any time my older son would come and sit with me. It would be especially bad if we talked to each other. But I’m “allowed” to talk to my partner and anyone else. And his brother is “allowed” to talk to anyone else. Lol. Now he’s gotten over that, but he now has a crazy fit any time my older son comes out AT ALL and has decided that the only way it’s acceptable is if he has a specific video playing on his iPad, and panics trying to get to his iPad and get the video on quick enough, lol 😫. It’s not like I don’t spend almost every waking minute with him 🙄😂., My son still does this. He either starts yelling nonsense to talk over us or asks us to find something for him to get us to stop. We just look at him and sternly tell him we are talking and he needs to wait. Usually ends in him crying but he will stop I interrupting for a while., Mine does it too, he turned 5 not long ago 😅it’s annoying but kinda sweet, Does your son like trains? My son used to like them at that age. He moved to aircraft since then. He can't stand me singing at all but can watch videos online with singing in them., I can only dream of the day my kiddo repeats what we are saying. Nice problem to have from where I stand! 😀 Best of luck!, Exactly- there might be a reason for the behavior- and if it's possible to accommodate that- then by all means we should. But we also have a responsibility to help our kids adapt to the world they live in- many of them  will need support for their lifetime, and we are doing them an enormous disservice if we don't make helping them as pleasant and easy as it can possibly be- or their community will be extremely small. 
It's also important to remember that caregivers are also people with needs and it isn't fair or healthy to have one family member who consumes 100% of the energy, time,  and attention of everyone else. 

It is not unreasonable to suggest that one learn to remove themself from an uncomfortable situation if they are able- is going to another room if you don't want to hear someone speaking., Yeah, this would be close to my view. There are some things that just won't fly. My kid is more comfortable when he can control a situation. There are times he should not be controlling the situation. If he isn't happy with this he has the option to go somewhere else. That's what we try and teach anyway. Yes, you're autistic, however you don't get to be a dick without someone letting you know. Better to hear it from his parents than someone else. 

I figure it's a balance that we're always trying to negotiate. Are we accommodating too much, not enough? The joys. 

Each kid and family is different, of course., I would add: “It is rude to interrupt. If you cannot wait your turn to talk you will have to go to your room while Mama and Papa talk. Will you wait to talk or go in your room?” This will teach him to regulate his behavior…eventually, hopefully. Don’t just say stop talking, give a simple social rule. Later, “Don’t interrupt” should be all you need to say., I needed to read this today. My almost 7 year old son is doing this interruption thing when my husband and I try having a conversation. It’s seriously driving us mad and also driving a wedge between us. We just don’t know how to combat this. I’m going to try your method., Yeah. As soon as my kid turned five we started sending him to a few days of ""holiday camp"" (in the UK it's usually 9am-3pm, not overnight) every fortnight of holiday just do that my husband and I could spend some time able to finish a conversation without interruption.

Now he's six he responds better to ""if X is not finished by the end of the day, you'll be in holiday camp tomorrow so I can finish then,"" where X might be an important conversation, an errand, or a task at home, but there was a long period where the only thing we could do was put him in childcare more often., What if physically putting the child elsewhere/telling him to stop could result in a screaming, potentially violent, hours long meltdown?, And look at that! Instead of down votes, you got up voted over a hundred times lol. This one makes the most sense! Autism is the reason, but that doesn't mean they can't be taught. Babies drink bottles cuz theyre babies and have no teeth. But that doesn't mean you don't teach them to eat solids at 6 months just cuz ""they're babies"". Spectrum kids need to learn the same as any other kid!, We do the same thing. We tell our son to not talk above us when my husband and I are talking to each other. Honestly, his neurotypical sisters did this too when they were little. It could be a kid thing just to push our buttons., My first reaction was ""but then how do you hear each other"". I need to get more sleep, Yeah, as others have said, its very likely related to feeling overstimulated from voices. 

I get it too sometimes as an adult. But as an adult I'm often allowed to leave whatever situation is being too loud, go to another room to listen to music, or pop on earphones. Etc etc. To calm down. Not sure how much that actually works with kids of letting them go to another room, or the parents to move to another room to talk. My cousins never went through that stage growing up, least not that I can remember anyway., Noise cancelling headphones for yourselves? Or for your kid? We have some for ourselves which we use A LOT but mainly because we also have a very whingey 18 month old lol life is fun these days as you can tell., My daughter is 5 and she does this.... I usually just go tickle her and playfully tell her not to talk over me...  other days I'm not so much in the playing mood, I'll stop stare at her for a second, even though she's not looking at me... and when she notices the silence, she will stop talking then I'll resume, she usually won't do it again right after. But she has... she also does this when I'm on the phone, Thanks for this advice - we try to tell him very calmly each time that mummy and daddy are just having a conversation, we’re just talking - not arguing (we think his anxiety with us talking stems from him witnessing an argument his dad and I both had a few weeks ago). I’ve tried to sing the Ms Rachel ‘stop breathe slowly inhale slow’ song when he gets anxious and he hates it and says ‘no breathe slowly!!’., It’s just the fact that we’re talking!, Thank you, that’s super helpful. I need to do more research on PDA as I have a feeling my son has this too. At what age did your son start medication for anxiety if you don’t mind me asking?, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to sound ungrateful for the repetition of words, it would be the same problem even if he wasn’t repeating words - he would just be shouting over us until we stopped talking to each other. There are definitely worse problems to have - I was just looking for advice / tips on how to manage the anxiety side of it from my sons perspective., I completely agree., They may be in the spectrum, but they are still kids… and kids do things that will annoy and tick you off., Yes. We still have to parent our kids and that definitely means some things we don’t budge about and hold boundaries for., [deleted], Good luck, I hope it works for you too!, Honestly, that’s tough. But I’d keep doing it over and over until he gets it. That is, assuming, there is no significant intellectual disability that would prevent him from learning., I’m the same! It’s a common issue. I am sure this is what it most-likely is for OP, too. Let’s hope they can figure it out no matter what, though. Everyone deserves to be comfortable in their home, no matter their age., Oh, sorry! For our kid. It helped cut down overstimulation from our voices/talking. It works surprisingly well for us all, and she seems particularly happy., I use noise cancelling headphones for the kids (I have two with autism) and it really helps them with this sort of thing. Judging from the comments it seems really common, I had it too at one stage but it stopped eventually., Oh totally.  I'm over here trying to gentle parent my ass off so I can give my kids some emotional management skills,  but gentle parenting isn't really ideal for neurodivergent kids.  It's 10 times harder too because my son can't verbalize his feelings and sometimes doesn't even understand he's getting upset (relatable honestly). So I'm trying to help him understand the physical signs of stress,  anger,  etc (heart beat fast, tummy hurt etc.) And then things he can do to help himself calm down - go to another room,  headphones,  ask for help,  deep breaths.

Still waiting on a good parenting book geared towards nuerodivergent kids., He started on anti-anxiety medication right when he turned 7., Oh of course I understand. I was still just jealous of the problem, can't wait for my kiddo to start talking really. If he is getting ABA you could talk to his BCaBA or his SLP for tips to help with the behavior. Apologies I can't be of much help as we haven't run through this problem yet., My kid does not have disorganized attachment which is a very particular style from encountering trauma and harm. He is loved, loving and secure. He is confident, bolshy and encouraged.

My kid is four. It's literally part of his development to behave like a dick., What headphones are you using?  We have struck out so far in finding ones our son will tolerate, Gentle parenting is hard no matter what. It is so hard but so beneficial to kids. I think it works amazing for my neurodivergent kids. Something to try, I recently taught my kids about stimming and what it can look like, things all of us already do that are stimming and it worked better than expected. My 8 year old really struggles with calming down and since that talk and encouraging him to try stimming when upset he now rarely cries and when he does get that upset he's coming out of the emotion faster. It's helped him so much., [deleted], We are using [these](https://amzn.eu/d/gbHflaE) (in pink, because that’s the colour she chose). She loves them - though she still needs help popping them on. We also bought stickers to “customise” them, but she peeled them all off after a couple of weeks., That's a good idea.  Thank you!, It is irrelevant whether we think they’re being a “dick” or not - the behavior is unacceptable and causing harm therefore it needs to stop. We know the reason for the behavior. That doesn’t mean we have to accept it., I’m sure I’ll get downvoted but… My son used to do this a lot and it was honestly starting to interfere with my marriage because I could never have a casual conversation with my spouse. So every time our son did this, we told him very sternly to stop talking/be quiet, and physically put him somewhere else if he wouldn’t stop. 

A lot of things are explained by autism, but that doesn’t mean you have to excuse and accommodate every little thing, especially if they are truly annoying and rude behaviors. I always say… “autism is the reason he is doing XYZ, but XYZ is not acceptable, so we’re going to find a way to stop it.”, We’re experiencing exactly that problem currently. My husband and I were trying to talk today over our child as we stood on a train platform. When we ignored his screaming, he jumped out of his stroller (not strapped in - our mistake) and eloped on a train platform. Fortunately my husband caught him and there was no train coming in - but it was horrible. Accomplished the task though - we stopped talking. All to say, I have no advice, but lots of sympathy. Following for advice., Yes! Hate it! Adult conversations are the only thing keeping me sane most days.

I just do my best to ignore it, but reward him when behaves better., Yeah, our son does this. What his speech/OT people suggested is that it could be sensory overload if he is in the middle and both parents are talking, because he's effectively getting two different sound streams in each ear. They suggested that if we talk, we should both go off to one side and converse there.

The other thing we tell him is that ""mom and dad are just talking. We're not arguing. It's ok"" and then basically just keep plowing through his protests. With the hopes that he'll habituate to this., I’d say he’s probably annoyed by the sound, that turns to anxiety and he just does whatever to stop it. He’s learned if he does this behavior, you stop.. so he does it now to get you to stop. 

We treated Levi like the other two from the beginning for the most part. If he doesn’t like something, he can go elsewhere in the house while you have a conversation. He’s not allowed to interrupt conversations or be rude (within reason- he’s verbal but not conversational). To learn how to deal with these situations at 4 is a lot easier to deal with them at 14. Also, headphones for him might help., We began to pop noise cancelling headphones on for this kind of thing. Same reason. Our kid just didn’t enjoy the noise of us talking. Lol, Happens to us all of the time…. When he’s on the verge of a meltdown I learned to pick my battles. But when he’s being annoying about it I continue to talk and he eventually gets over it, Our daughter comes up to us and physically holds our mouths shut, also getting angry and even hitting us sometimes., [deleted], Does your son have intellectual disabilities that would cause him not to understand cause/ effect or not to be able to understand when he's being spoken to?  If so, the below won't necessarily apply. 

I know many ASD kids,  mine included,  have a LOT of anxiety and,  as a way to mitigate that anxiety will often try to control the behaviors of others.  I have to nip this in the bud early and often. 

What I would do is say ""we're taking right now. I know that makes you upset but you can always go into your quiet tent if you need a break""   We have a tent with a light machine/ white noise machine my son can use at any time to take a break when he's in sensory overload.  Then I'd keep talking and ignore the behavior.  I'm guessing he'll catch on pretty quickly that the behavior isn't getting the reaction he wants., I wouldn’t be surprised if my son does this one day. He used to be so upset if his dad and I touched or snuggled in front of him. We think he was jealous of me, cause he pull me away and push his dad away from me. Thankfully he has gotten over it with the addition of a new sibling but he still has his moments 😅, Yesss. Going through this right now. I’d suggest noise cancelling headphones. Our BCBA also suggested we purposefully start having convos and using a visual timer and then indicating “your turn” and “my turn” on his AAC to get him used to it., You can punish an ASD child just like a NT child... I punish my 3 year old nonverbal, not sure what LVL, autistic boy and he gets it. It may just take a few more times trying for them to get it. Not to long ago he developed a habit of hitting the tv with toys ALL THE TIME. I had enough, took the toys, turned off the tv and put him on time out in his room and I consistently did it everytime he hit the tv and now he no longer does. He will once in a while look in my direction and go to hit the tv with a toy and a big smile to get a giggle out of it but he's learned. I do accomodate his sensory issues but there has to be boundaries. Let him have a tantrum, it's your house too., Omg I’m reading this while in the car with my husband and 2 kids. My husband and I have been whispering about our plans for this evening but even that has my 3 yo screaming at us. Solidarity bc damn, RIP conversation I guess. 

Maybe we’ll try the texting thing lol, we hadn’t thought of that yet., Is he trying to interrupt the conversation to say something or is it just the fact that you two are talking?, I wish I could tell it stops but it doesn’t. We have two that are level 1 both with ADHD our middle schooler knows when my spouse and I are in the middle of a conversation to wait. My youngest will just walk into the room and just start talking about to us about whatever is on his mind., My son did this & still does sometimes. I think it’s part of his PDA part of his autism. Basically he really really wants to be equal in authority to the grown ups and when we’re having a conversation that he’s not included in, he feels the need to be included. 

It got a LOT better once he was medicated (anti-anxiety med & stimulant for his ADHD). We also reminded him not to interrupt, would just keep talking if he tried to talk over us, stuff like that. It was really frustrating for a long time but the meds really helped not feel insecure and bossy about me & husband having a conversation., My son just started doing something similar. Basically, he wants ALL of my attention. He is completely non verbal and is 4 1/2 yrs old. He cant speak but will demonstrate his neediness by jumping on my lap wherever it is I’m sitting, or by pulling my arm towards his playpen so I can sit with him. If I ignore him, he will throw a massive fit w/ some self injury. I work from home during the week and he is always in that room trying to jump on my lap while I work. If I am on the phone or scrolling he goes crazy!

I think he just wants all of your love and attention!, Following as we have similar situation with our 5 year old, My 5 year old daughter does this sometimes when I'm on the phone, talking to her father or even conversing with a friend. Sometimes, I just continue talking like she's not doing that, because half of the time she's playing a game on her tablet not even looking at us or me. Other times I'll stop what I'm doing or saying and I'll just go tickle her, she'll laugh hysterically and rarely will she continue doing that once I've picked up where I left off on the phone or whoever I was talking to... I thought she did that because she either wanted all my attention or she just wanted to be in the conversation. But similarly to most of all the responses here, she too, doesn't put many sentences together, if any... but when she does speak she's repeating something we're saying or more often she's repeating something she thought to be very funny to her from a brief portion of a cartoon she had watched and replayed over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again... often times those little 20 seconds of a cartoon skit gets stuck replaying in my brain until about 7am when she finally burns out from her random sleep schedule distrito. It's a nightmare honestly. I feel like she never sleeps. But that's another topic for discussion I guess., Both my kids do this and they're PDA autistic, so for them their autonomy/freedom of choice is being infringed upon and they aren't in control of themselves at that point. 3.5yo and 2yo, I can’t believe I’ve come across your post because we’ve had the same thing going on for several months with our 16 year old non verbal son.  My mom is here visiting and we literally cannot talk in the family room because he sits at the dining table on his iPad (it’s his safe little corner).  I felt like he started it after witnessing many arguments between husband and I (husband has drinking issues and should also be tested for being on the spectrum).  One day he just started making his loud protesting noise to stop us just from talking normal.   Even as we’ve calmed things down around him he is still at protesting when anyone is talking.  He sits in his spot on his iPad and loves to look at the digital frame at the same time so he’s stimming and doesn’t want to be bothered.  I also feel like he went for so long without making any noises and just absorbed it all and now he’s saying “hey you’re bugging me”.   Being that he’s 16 his protests are LOUD so it’s so jarring and I’ve tried the gentle parenting but I also get upset at him and tell him he’s interrupting us which isn’t nice.  
On top of this he’s refusing to go to school and has been home for a month!  We’ve tried everything and the school has sent support in the morning to try as well.   We’ve gone through this before when he was younger but he’s been at a private school now since Covid ended and he loves it! But now he’s refusing.   It’s so stressful and impacts our family greatly. 
I do think he has ODD or PDA along with his autism and his anxiety is terrible.  He’s on medication but that’s another story. 
I just had to comment when I saw your post because I feel your pain!!!!
(And that my mom and I are having to be in another room to talk🤣), I go through the same thing with my son. Anyone who's talking to me, he constantly ""needs to tell me something"" at that moment. I tell him forst you're supposed to say ""Excuse me"" or I tell you I'm talking to so and so please wait until I finish. I know part of it is that he's the only child.,  Could it be jealousy? My boy used to have a fit any time my older son would come and sit with me. It would be especially bad if we talked to each other. But I’m “allowed” to talk to my partner and anyone else. And his brother is “allowed” to talk to anyone else. Lol. Now he’s gotten over that, but he now has a crazy fit any time my older son comes out AT ALL and has decided that the only way it’s acceptable is if he has a specific video playing on his iPad, and panics trying to get to his iPad and get the video on quick enough, lol 😫. It’s not like I don’t spend almost every waking minute with him 🙄😂., My son still does this. He either starts yelling nonsense to talk over us or asks us to find something for him to get us to stop. We just look at him and sternly tell him we are talking and he needs to wait. Usually ends in him crying but he will stop I interrupting for a while., Mine does it too, he turned 5 not long ago 😅it’s annoying but kinda sweet, Does your son like trains? My son used to like them at that age. He moved to aircraft since then. He can't stand me singing at all but can watch videos online with singing in them., I can only dream of the day my kiddo repeats what we are saying. Nice problem to have from where I stand! 😀 Best of luck!, Exactly- there might be a reason for the behavior- and if it's possible to accommodate that- then by all means we should. But we also have a responsibility to help our kids adapt to the world they live in- many of them  will need support for their lifetime, and we are doing them an enormous disservice if we don't make helping them as pleasant and easy as it can possibly be- or their community will be extremely small. 
It's also important to remember that caregivers are also people with needs and it isn't fair or healthy to have one family member who consumes 100% of the energy, time,  and attention of everyone else. 

It is not unreasonable to suggest that one learn to remove themself from an uncomfortable situation if they are able- is going to another room if you don't want to hear someone speaking., Yeah, this would be close to my view. There are some things that just won't fly. My kid is more comfortable when he can control a situation. There are times he should not be controlling the situation. If he isn't happy with this he has the option to go somewhere else. That's what we try and teach anyway. Yes, you're autistic, however you don't get to be a dick without someone letting you know. Better to hear it from his parents than someone else. 

I figure it's a balance that we're always trying to negotiate. Are we accommodating too much, not enough? The joys. 

Each kid and family is different, of course., I would add: “It is rude to interrupt. If you cannot wait your turn to talk you will have to go to your room while Mama and Papa talk. Will you wait to talk or go in your room?” This will teach him to regulate his behavior…eventually, hopefully. Don’t just say stop talking, give a simple social rule. Later, “Don’t interrupt” should be all you need to say., I needed to read this today. My almost 7 year old son is doing this interruption thing when my husband and I try having a conversation. It’s seriously driving us mad and also driving a wedge between us. We just don’t know how to combat this. I’m going to try your method., Yeah. As soon as my kid turned five we started sending him to a few days of ""holiday camp"" (in the UK it's usually 9am-3pm, not overnight) every fortnight of holiday just do that my husband and I could spend some time able to finish a conversation without interruption.

Now he's six he responds better to ""if X is not finished by the end of the day, you'll be in holiday camp tomorrow so I can finish then,"" where X might be an important conversation, an errand, or a task at home, but there was a long period where the only thing we could do was put him in childcare more often., What if physically putting the child elsewhere/telling him to stop could result in a screaming, potentially violent, hours long meltdown?, And look at that! Instead of down votes, you got up voted over a hundred times lol. This one makes the most sense! Autism is the reason, but that doesn't mean they can't be taught. Babies drink bottles cuz theyre babies and have no teeth. But that doesn't mean you don't teach them to eat solids at 6 months just cuz ""they're babies"". Spectrum kids need to learn the same as any other kid!, We do the same thing. We tell our son to not talk above us when my husband and I are talking to each other. Honestly, his neurotypical sisters did this too when they were little. It could be a kid thing just to push our buttons., My first reaction was ""but then how do you hear each other"". I need to get more sleep, Yeah, as others have said, its very likely related to feeling overstimulated from voices. 

I get it too sometimes as an adult. But as an adult I'm often allowed to leave whatever situation is being too loud, go to another room to listen to music, or pop on earphones. Etc etc. To calm down. Not sure how much that actually works with kids of letting them go to another room, or the parents to move to another room to talk. My cousins never went through that stage growing up, least not that I can remember anyway., Noise cancelling headphones for yourselves? Or for your kid? We have some for ourselves which we use A LOT but mainly because we also have a very whingey 18 month old lol life is fun these days as you can tell., My daughter is 5 and she does this.... I usually just go tickle her and playfully tell her not to talk over me...  other days I'm not so much in the playing mood, I'll stop stare at her for a second, even though she's not looking at me... and when she notices the silence, she will stop talking then I'll resume, she usually won't do it again right after. But she has... she also does this when I'm on the phone, Thanks for this advice - we try to tell him very calmly each time that mummy and daddy are just having a conversation, we’re just talking - not arguing (we think his anxiety with us talking stems from him witnessing an argument his dad and I both had a few weeks ago). I’ve tried to sing the Ms Rachel ‘stop breathe slowly inhale slow’ song when he gets anxious and he hates it and says ‘no breathe slowly!!’., It’s just the fact that we’re talking!, Thank you, that’s super helpful. I need to do more research on PDA as I have a feeling my son has this too. At what age did your son start medication for anxiety if you don’t mind me asking?, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to sound ungrateful for the repetition of words, it would be the same problem even if he wasn’t repeating words - he would just be shouting over us until we stopped talking to each other. There are definitely worse problems to have - I was just looking for advice / tips on how to manage the anxiety side of it from my sons perspective., I completely agree., They may be in the spectrum, but they are still kids… and kids do things that will annoy and tick you off., Yes. We still have to parent our kids and that definitely means some things we don’t budge about and hold boundaries for., [deleted], Good luck, I hope it works for you too!, Honestly, that’s tough. But I’d keep doing it over and over until he gets it. That is, assuming, there is no significant intellectual disability that would prevent him from learning., I’m the same! It’s a common issue. I am sure this is what it most-likely is for OP, too. Let’s hope they can figure it out no matter what, though. Everyone deserves to be comfortable in their home, no matter their age., Oh, sorry! For our kid. It helped cut down overstimulation from our voices/talking. It works surprisingly well for us all, and she seems particularly happy., I use noise cancelling headphones for the kids (I have two with autism) and it really helps them with this sort of thing. Judging from the comments it seems really common, I had it too at one stage but it stopped eventually., Oh totally.  I'm over here trying to gentle parent my ass off so I can give my kids some emotional management skills,  but gentle parenting isn't really ideal for neurodivergent kids.  It's 10 times harder too because my son can't verbalize his feelings and sometimes doesn't even understand he's getting upset (relatable honestly). So I'm trying to help him understand the physical signs of stress,  anger,  etc (heart beat fast, tummy hurt etc.) And then things he can do to help himself calm down - go to another room,  headphones,  ask for help,  deep breaths.

Still waiting on a good parenting book geared towards nuerodivergent kids., He started on anti-anxiety medication right when he turned 7., Oh of course I understand. I was still just jealous of the problem, can't wait for my kiddo to start talking really. If he is getting ABA you could talk to his BCaBA or his SLP for tips to help with the behavior. Apologies I can't be of much help as we haven't run through this problem yet., My kid does not have disorganized attachment which is a very particular style from encountering trauma and harm. He is loved, loving and secure. He is confident, bolshy and encouraged.

My kid is four. It's literally part of his development to behave like a dick., What headphones are you using?  We have struck out so far in finding ones our son will tolerate, Gentle parenting is hard no matter what. It is so hard but so beneficial to kids. I think it works amazing for my neurodivergent kids. Something to try, I recently taught my kids about stimming and what it can look like, things all of us already do that are stimming and it worked better than expected. My 8 year old really struggles with calming down and since that talk and encouraging him to try stimming when upset he now rarely cries and when he does get that upset he's coming out of the emotion faster. It's helped him so much., [deleted], We are using [these](https://amzn.eu/d/gbHflaE) (in pink, because that’s the colour she chose). She loves them - though she still needs help popping them on. We also bought stickers to “customise” them, but she peeled them all off after a couple of weeks., That's a good idea.  Thank you!, It is irrelevant whether we think they’re being a “dick” or not - the behavior is unacceptable and causing harm therefore it needs to stop. We know the reason for the behavior. That doesn’t mean we have to accept it.",Support,Challenging Behavior
"My son is 4 and has gone through waves of being a great sharer and not wanting to share at all. Right now, he’s in the latter stage. 

Yesterday, we went to the park and bought a soccer ball with us. Another kid approached him and asked to play and my son said “no, I don’t want to share with you” and ran away. We talked about it afterwards at home — it’s a sticky mess of being fearful of the kid taking the toy and not knowing & not wanting to play with another kid. He’s been on a kick lately saying he doesn’t even want to share his hypothetical birthday cake with his friends next year 😅. 

We teach him that it’s okay to set boundaries and to not share if you’re still using something and you can say “it’s my turn” — he struggles with speaking up for himself and not being bulldozed by other kids. We’ve also tried to teach him that special toys that we don’t want to share stay at home so they can stay extra safe. However, we also want to teach him that sharing is a necessary part of life and it can be fun to do things with other kids instead of alone. It’s been hard for us to communicate that both of those things can co exist. 

We know he’s still young but would love to hear from other parents who went through something similar. ","My kid majorly went through this at 4 and is much better at 7.  I think some of it was developmental, as he was language delayed and 4/5 was really the first time he could use words to tell someone he didn’t want to share.

I don’t know that we really did anything other than continually talk about it, and ask him to share with us at home.  He doesn’t have siblings, so that’s honestly part of it., [deleted], It was HIS ball? He dosent need to give the random child a turn. Do I get a go a your kindle while you're not using it-no it's yours.


Now when we have kids over we are prepped ahead of time and things we are NOT sharing are put away, and things we are sharing we take turns. Take turns is less traumatic than sharing and we reassure that we still own the item and will get it back. I think four is an extra hard age for sharing and taking turns, give it time and be realistic , This is helpful and comforting to hear! Our son is also an only child. 

When you talked to him, was there anything that specifically stuck with him and if so, what was it?, Yes! We have that rule at home when friends come over. But I didn’t even think about specifying that when we go out places with toys. 

I think sharing is already hard when you do know the kid and even harder when you don’t. It’s so hard to know what things to push on/encourage and when to let it be., My kid does good with examples from movies, TV shows, and games because it’s simplified social interaction and easier for him to understand.

If I can make it about autobot behavior vs. decepticon behavior, he gets it a lot better., My kid majorly went through this at 4 and is much better at 7.  I think some of it was developmental, as he was language delayed and 4/5 was really the first time he could use words to tell someone he didn’t want to share.

I don’t know that we really did anything other than continually talk about it, and ask him to share with us at home.  He doesn’t have siblings, so that’s honestly part of it., [deleted], It was HIS ball? He dosent need to give the random child a turn. Do I get a go a your kindle while you're not using it-no it's yours.


Now when we have kids over we are prepped ahead of time and things we are NOT sharing are put away, and things we are sharing we take turns. Take turns is less traumatic than sharing and we reassure that we still own the item and will get it back. I think four is an extra hard age for sharing and taking turns, give it time and be realistic , This is helpful and comforting to hear! Our son is also an only child. 

When you talked to him, was there anything that specifically stuck with him and if so, what was it?, Yes! We have that rule at home when friends come over. But I didn’t even think about specifying that when we go out places with toys. 

I think sharing is already hard when you do know the kid and even harder when you don’t. It’s so hard to know what things to push on/encourage and when to let it be., My kid does good with examples from movies, TV shows, and games because it’s simplified social interaction and easier for him to understand.

If I can make it about autobot behavior vs. decepticon behavior, he gets it a lot better., My kid majorly went through this at 4 and is much better at 7.  I think some of it was developmental, as he was language delayed and 4/5 was really the first time he could use words to tell someone he didn’t want to share.

I don’t know that we really did anything other than continually talk about it, and ask him to share with us at home.  He doesn’t have siblings, so that’s honestly part of it., [deleted], It was HIS ball? He dosent need to give the random child a turn. Do I get a go a your kindle while you're not using it-no it's yours.


Now when we have kids over we are prepped ahead of time and things we are NOT sharing are put away, and things we are sharing we take turns. Take turns is less traumatic than sharing and we reassure that we still own the item and will get it back. I think four is an extra hard age for sharing and taking turns, give it time and be realistic , This is helpful and comforting to hear! Our son is also an only child. 

When you talked to him, was there anything that specifically stuck with him and if so, what was it?, Yes! We have that rule at home when friends come over. But I didn’t even think about specifying that when we go out places with toys. 

I think sharing is already hard when you do know the kid and even harder when you don’t. It’s so hard to know what things to push on/encourage and when to let it be., My kid does good with examples from movies, TV shows, and games because it’s simplified social interaction and easier for him to understand.

If I can make it about autobot behavior vs. decepticon behavior, he gets it a lot better., My kid majorly went through this at 4 and is much better at 7.  I think some of it was developmental, as he was language delayed and 4/5 was really the first time he could use words to tell someone he didn’t want to share.

I don’t know that we really did anything other than continually talk about it, and ask him to share with us at home.  He doesn’t have siblings, so that’s honestly part of it., [deleted], It was HIS ball? He dosent need to give the random child a turn. Do I get a go a your kindle while you're not using it-no it's yours.


Now when we have kids over we are prepped ahead of time and things we are NOT sharing are put away, and things we are sharing we take turns. Take turns is less traumatic than sharing and we reassure that we still own the item and will get it back. I think four is an extra hard age for sharing and taking turns, give it time and be realistic , This is helpful and comforting to hear! Our son is also an only child. 

When you talked to him, was there anything that specifically stuck with him and if so, what was it?, Yes! We have that rule at home when friends come over. But I didn’t even think about specifying that when we go out places with toys. 

I think sharing is already hard when you do know the kid and even harder when you don’t. It’s so hard to know what things to push on/encourage and when to let it be., My kid does good with examples from movies, TV shows, and games because it’s simplified social interaction and easier for him to understand.

If I can make it about autobot behavior vs. decepticon behavior, he gets it a lot better.",Support,Parenting Advice
"My son, 4.5 AuDHD, has had a new concerning behavior recently and I don’t know how to get him to stop.

He’ll pinch, push, or hit me or his brothers while laughing and saying “ow”! It’s especially bad when he’s tired or sick - that’s when we see a lot more behaviors show up.

Most of his behaviors have been pretty harmless but this is one we need to get a handle on. How do we stop it?

He’s not in ABA, we have no plans to put him in ABA, please do not recommend ABA.","He is sensory seeking like my son. He enjoys the reaction he gets when he hurts people. I used extinction to get my son to stop by never responding positively or negatively. He'd slap my face, and I just wouldn't react.


This is sometimes eadier said then done. They can do painful things. Ripping my glasses off and throwing them, etc. However, for the most part, it is reduced., He is sensory seeking like my son. He enjoys the reaction he gets when he hurts people. I used extinction to get my son to stop by never responding positively or negatively. He'd slap my face, and I just wouldn't react.


This is sometimes eadier said then done. They can do painful things. Ripping my glasses off and throwing them, etc. However, for the most part, it is reduced., He is sensory seeking like my son. He enjoys the reaction he gets when he hurts people. I used extinction to get my son to stop by never responding positively or negatively. He'd slap my face, and I just wouldn't react.


This is sometimes eadier said then done. They can do painful things. Ripping my glasses off and throwing them, etc. However, for the most part, it is reduced., He is sensory seeking like my son. He enjoys the reaction he gets when he hurts people. I used extinction to get my son to stop by never responding positively or negatively. He'd slap my face, and I just wouldn't react.


This is sometimes eadier said then done. They can do painful things. Ripping my glasses off and throwing them, etc. However, for the most part, it is reduced., He is sensory seeking like my son. He enjoys the reaction he gets when he hurts people. I used extinction to get my son to stop by never responding positively or negatively. He'd slap my face, and I just wouldn't react.


This is sometimes eadier said then done. They can do painful things. Ripping my glasses off and throwing them, etc. However, for the most part, it is reduced., He is sensory seeking like my son. He enjoys the reaction he gets when he hurts people. I used extinction to get my son to stop by never responding positively or negatively. He'd slap my face, and I just wouldn't react.


This is sometimes eadier said then done. They can do painful things. Ripping my glasses off and throwing them, etc. However, for the most part, it is reduced., He is sensory seeking like my son. He enjoys the reaction he gets when he hurts people. I used extinction to get my son to stop by never responding positively or negatively. He'd slap my face, and I just wouldn't react.


This is sometimes eadier said then done. They can do painful things. Ripping my glasses off and throwing them, etc. However, for the most part, it is reduced., He is sensory seeking like my son. He enjoys the reaction he gets when he hurts people. I used extinction to get my son to stop by never responding positively or negatively. He'd slap my face, and I just wouldn't react.


This is sometimes eadier said then done. They can do painful things. Ripping my glasses off and throwing them, etc. However, for the most part, it is reduced., He is sensory seeking like my son. He enjoys the reaction he gets when he hurts people. I used extinction to get my son to stop by never responding positively or negatively. He'd slap my face, and I just wouldn't react.


This is sometimes eadier said then done. They can do painful things. Ripping my glasses off and throwing them, etc. However, for the most part, it is reduced.",Treatment,Challenging Behavior
"I think I’ve posted about this before but I need help. My almost 4yo is non verbal, and very much a mamas boy. We spend most of our time together, except when he’s at ABA in the morning and early afternoon. 

I work, and 3 nights a week I work off and on until 11pm. My husband takes our son on those nights so I can finish work and get some alone time. But my son cries the second I leave, up until bedtime sometimes. 

We’ve been doing this schedule for 2 years and it hasn’t gotten better. If anything, it’s worsened. My husband will take him out back to play sometimes, but I’m definitely the one that plans out fun activities and tries to interact a lot. My husband tries to interact, but our son just seems totally disinterested. 

The crying is driving me insane. Every minute I’m either working, watching my son, or trying to listen to music loud enough to drown out the crying (which it never really does). I also feel horrible for our son, because it must be awful for him to be so upset for so long.

Everyone says he will outgrow this, but they’ve been saying that for 2 years. What do we do? ","This is shockingly similar to my family's situation.  

My 3yo is also nonverbal and his mother works 4 nights a week for a few hours in the evenings after I get home from my 9-5.  I have to keep my son distracted so that he doesn't notice that mom is gone.  If he notices, we will scream non stop until she comes back or until I find a way to distract him with food, tickles, or I just have to load him into the car and drive him in circles around town.

My wife only started working a couple months ago, but my son has always been this clingy when either one of us leaves.

Slowly but surely we are seeing signs of him outgrowing it.  I know that gives little comfort.  But a big part of his problems are frustration and not understanding what is going on., This is shockingly similar to my family's situation.  

My 3yo is also nonverbal and his mother works 4 nights a week for a few hours in the evenings after I get home from my 9-5.  I have to keep my son distracted so that he doesn't notice that mom is gone.  If he notices, we will scream non stop until she comes back or until I find a way to distract him with food, tickles, or I just have to load him into the car and drive him in circles around town.

My wife only started working a couple months ago, but my son has always been this clingy when either one of us leaves.

Slowly but surely we are seeing signs of him outgrowing it.  I know that gives little comfort.  But a big part of his problems are frustration and not understanding what is going on., This is shockingly similar to my family's situation.  

My 3yo is also nonverbal and his mother works 4 nights a week for a few hours in the evenings after I get home from my 9-5.  I have to keep my son distracted so that he doesn't notice that mom is gone.  If he notices, we will scream non stop until she comes back or until I find a way to distract him with food, tickles, or I just have to load him into the car and drive him in circles around town.

My wife only started working a couple months ago, but my son has always been this clingy when either one of us leaves.

Slowly but surely we are seeing signs of him outgrowing it.  I know that gives little comfort.  But a big part of his problems are frustration and not understanding what is going on., This is shockingly similar to my family's situation.  

My 3yo is also nonverbal and his mother works 4 nights a week for a few hours in the evenings after I get home from my 9-5.  I have to keep my son distracted so that he doesn't notice that mom is gone.  If he notices, we will scream non stop until she comes back or until I find a way to distract him with food, tickles, or I just have to load him into the car and drive him in circles around town.

My wife only started working a couple months ago, but my son has always been this clingy when either one of us leaves.

Slowly but surely we are seeing signs of him outgrowing it.  I know that gives little comfort.  But a big part of his problems are frustration and not understanding what is going on.",Support,Separation Anxiety
"My son is 5 years old & is said to have level 1 Autism. He is non verbal but understands a lot. 
Lately he has been having so many meltdowns if he doesn’t get his way. He gets so mad & starts hitting everyone  & throwing everything he sees. He does this every single day. I try to talk to him & calm him down but he just hits me. I cave in sometimes & just let him have his way just so he can calm down. I know this is bad but idk what else to do? I don’t like whooping him but sometimes I have no other choice. I hate whooping but I feel like he acts this way because he just wants to get his way & he just can’t always get his way. 
Anyone else child like this ? Any advice on the meltdowns ? Is their any medication that can help him calm down ? Will he grow out of this behavior? It’s so hard having a child with Autism 😫",">He gets so mad & starts hitting everyone

>I don’t like whooping him but sometimes I have no other choice.

I want you to just look at these two statements from your post and think first about *why* your son reacts the way he does, and then think about how he feels when you and your husband ""whoop"" him.

You, as fully grown, presumably neurotypical adults can't control your emotions enough to refrain from hitting a 5 year old, yet you seem to fully expect an autistic child to have complete and perfect control over his emotions?  

Just....really think about this. Sit and think about it., Spanking is ineffective and harmful even for nt kids, why you’d do that to an autistic kid I’ll never grasp.   Why would anyone think they could teach a kid not to hit by hitting said kid anyway?, If you wanted something and you had no power to negotiate or collaborate on a solution, ever, you'd lash out, too. Especially if the person who is supposed to understand you gets mad and hits. You need to change your understanding of his behavior from defiant to justifiably frustrated. Most five year olds are able to work on their feelings with back and forth conversation. They're able to propose alternative solutions that might be acceptable. Your son is robbed of that ability with no speech and presumably little other therapy that helps him work on his behavior. You think you're giving him grace by only hitting sometimes but you haven't even begun the journey of viewing all behavior through the lens of needing something deep down. It was a game changer to find out like 80 percent of my son's disruptive behavior like shouting phrases or running and spinning was sensory seeking, for example.

This is why most of us go to therapy. Also consider getting a second opinion on the level of a nonverbal five year old. I'm assuming he got the diagnosis some time ago., First, stop the spanking. You're just reinforcing hitting as a method of getting what you want. You want him to stop? You spank. So if he wants something? He'll hit.  He won't understand the ""parents can but I can't"" mentality since it goes against rules in his head. 

I stress this alot on here for the older kids (5+). Don't like the behavior? Ignore it completely. He has learned that screaming and being aggressive gets what he wants. You calm him down and you give in. 

It worked very well with mine once it clicked. I'd ignore the screaming and hitting and repeat ""calm voice"". Once he said something in a normal tone, I gave him my full attention. 

I invested in the loop ear things to help with the overwhelming desire to scream back at him. Cause if you do, then you're just reinforcing that screaming works. 

It'll get worse before it gets better. But you probably will wanna get a handle on this before they're physically larger and start getting hormones involved. Not looking forward to that 🙄

I'm not a doctor, this is not medical advice., You need a calm down corner or room. Somewhere safe and calm with things that will give him sensory input in a different way. Weighted blanket, sensory swing ect. Or even just a cozy blanket and an iPad to watch a show. Dim lights. 
I'm trying to deal with major meltdowns too and this is the advice I'm seeing and what I'm trying to implement myself. My daughter is 4. We aren't given a guidebook on how to do any of this and it's so hard., Right!  I don't want to risk getting kicked out of this sub by typing what I really want to say to this mother...


Hitting any child is wrong. Hitting an autistic child is extra wrong. That's the nicest way to say it., Trust me I don’t like hitting at all ! I rarely do, & if I do I always feel bad n comfort him after telling him I’m sorry I just get so frustrated. 
His dad on the other hand doesn’t understand Autism & will whoop him if he continue to act out & I hate it !!! I’m always fighting with him to not whoop him . Its so stressful. 😣, Putting aside the research against corporal punishment for a minute - obviously it's not even *working* for your situation, so why are you defending it? Why are you acting like you have no other choice?

Are you hitting him in order to give out a pre-determined consequence that he is both warned about and understands, that is consistently given out? Or are you doing it because you've lost your ability to regulate your own emotions and feel like you're in a battle with him that you don't want to lose yet again?

I'm guessing it's the latter and same for his dad.

I know meltdowns are ***beyond hard*** but you have to be consistent and you're not. Sometimes you hit, sometimes you don't. Sometimes you give in, sometimes you don't. Even for a NT child, this kind of discipline isn't going to yield results. A child of that age, struggling to regulate their own emotions, now sees you as unpredictable.

""Maybe I push this button and I get what I want, or maybe she hits me and screams at me. But I feel powerless and out of control, and I'm willing to roll the dice on that 50/50 outcome rather than take the 0% odds of getting what I want if I *don't* throw this fit, so let me go ahead and see what happens.""

You have to be consistent, strong, and united. And you have to do this ***now*** before he gets older and stronger and more set in his ways.

Here are the facts you've told us: Hitting isn't working. Giving in to his fits for temporary peace is not working either.

Stop doing both of those things for a week, or a month, and see what happens. Then go from there, maybe consult a professional therapist because Reddit can't know what specific issues you and your son are up against. Like I could suggest leaving the room or turning away from your son when he's having a fit, because that worked for my son, but that suggestion could be completely off base depending on your specific situation. You probably need to work with a professional if this persists or escalates., Hitting is wrong.  Always.  The person you are hitting being quite small while you are comparatively very large doesn’t suddenly make it ok. 

More importantly though, not a single study, and it has been very well studied, has found spanking to be at all effective as a form of discipline, so you and dad are literally hitting him for zero reason whatsoever., Thats not true. studies show that consistency with punishment is the highest determining factor on success. Spanking ranked no lower than anything else. 

Do what you want, but dont spread misinformation., You’re wrong.  

> Research over the last 20 years has demonstrated that spanking increases aggression in young children and is ineffective in changing their undesirable behavior, the AAP says. Studies have also linked spanking to an increased risk of mental health disorders and impaired brain development.- https://health.clevelandclinic.org/pediatricians-say-dont-spank-your-kids-heres-why-what-to-do-instead

https://www.apa.org/monitor/2019/05/physical-discipline",Support,Behavioral Challenges
"
hello everyone. first things first i just want to say that i love my brother, he’s a very smart and sweet kid, but lately he’s been very irritable and having a mean streak and i want to help him and our cats so he can stop what he’s doing now. this situation makes me very upset, so i want to apologise in advance if i say something offensive out of frustration.

my brother is 5, he’s been showing symptoms for autism and / or adhd for a while now. he was taken to be diagnosed, and they came to the conclusion that it’s either of the two but my mother decided to not get the full diagnosis in the end. at that time it seemed like she didn’t want to get him “branded” with autism (her words, don’t agree with it at all, but she said the same about mental illnesses to me) and she claims to this day that it’s definitely adhd without much proof tbh. i think he might be leaning towards autism or both tbh, but i’m not a doctor i can only guess. he’s also taken to weekly physical therapy where they do exercises and such. as a bit more info, he’s been hyperfixated on cars since he was little, specifically the flickering lights on cop cars and firefighter cars and such. he could probably name every part of a car if you took it apart in front of him and he knew the logos of every brand by the time he learned to speak (i think that’s super cool and impressive). he behaves really well in kindergarten but ends up throwing huge tantrums and lashing out at home a lot.

i would say the issues with the cats started pretty early on when he was around 3, but obviously he didn’t know what he was doing was wrong. we had a small “pond” outside for out turtle and he would carry the cats around and throw them into it, which was very upsetting but he was 3. he thankfully got tired of this after a while. our outdoor cats are more timid and nice so they would just let him do whatever.

the thing with him now is that he seems to just sense who is in a bad mood or irritable at home and he will keep pushing until we lash out at him. you can probably tell that my trigger for this is hurting the cats, and it’s the same for my sister too. 
we have four cats outside, two of which don’t come home much, and we’ve had an indoor cat for a year too. the indoor cat was found by my sister and taken care of at her boyfriend’s house, but he was so aggressive and troublemaking that his parents told her to get rid of him or they will give him away. my sister is very attached to this cat so that’s how he ended up here with us. the thing is, as much as we love him he is a hard case. wasn’t socialised with other cats as a kitten and never really been outside, so my sister pleaded to keep him indoors. the cat loves my mother and her bf because they don’t bother him much but he hates me and my siblings (my sister and i cut his nails and such and my lil bro just annoys him). the problem is that the cat’s aggression and my little brothers irritability are most of the time directed at each other.

they were fine by eachother for almost a year, but now my little brother keeps scaring him, chasing him around the house, trying to pet or carry him, but the cat will bite or scratch and then my little brother will throw toys at him or beat him in retaliation. whenever you try to explain to him that this cat doesn’t want to be pet or bothered he just turns his brain off and ignores you completely. we all have given him about 10 talks each but it just doesn’t get through to him. if the cat bites or scratches him then “the cat is stupid and should be thrown out of the house into the trash” according to him. at this point i thought that threatening him with “the cat will be given to another family” could work but it doesn’t, he just throws a tantrum then. i feel like i have exhausted every possibility, i told him nicely, i begged him, i yelled at him, nothing works. and it’s making me so upset, i know he is smart so i want him to understand that the cat will just hate him more if he keeps hurting him. 

i don’t know if i’m asking too much from him, if a 5 year old just can’t understand things like this. sometimes he locks the cat in rooms and pretends he doesn’t know what happened, sometimes he locks him in his carrier box and throws it on the ground to hurt him in a way that the cat won’t retaliate, sometimes he gets the cat to run away and hide in a small space, then he gets toys and boxes and squishes the cat against the wall. he just doesn’t understand that the cat isn’t a toy. just today he forced him into the litter box and kept pushing his hand in and annoying him, and i was pleading with him to stop and my brother just kept mumbling his bullshit under his breath, just acting like i’m not there and completely ignoring me. i’m so tired of waking up in the morning to him crying and my family yelling for him to stop abusing the cat. i’m so tired of hearing this all throughout the day. the cat is ever more irritable and scared now, if he hears any noise he just freezes, waiting for the impact. i feel like this has a terrible impact on both of them and i thought of actually giving him away but again, he’s hard to deal with, has a food allergy and also my sister is unwilling to let go of him.

my brother keeps getting scratched but he either just goes “didn’t hurt :)” or “THAT HURT I HATE YOU STUPID CAT” and punches him. sometimes he will just hurt the cat and look our way to see if he pissed us off enough. if not he will just keep going. and this behaviour has been happening a lot in general lately, screaming matches at nap time, bath time and sleep time too.

i don’t know what to do at all. i’ve been hoping that he will just get bored of this too, but he’s been at it for the past 3 months since i moved back home. i’ll be leaving soon and i don’t know how i’ll deal with the anxiety of not knowing what he’s doing to the cats while i’m gone. i really need someone to help. and if anyone who read this thinks i’m more worried about the cat than my brother then yes, i in fact am. he is the aggressor, who keeps hurting the cat, sometimes just to piss me off. the cat is a cat, he doesn’t have the capacity to understand what is going on fully (at this point my mom sometimes just goes “why did the cat go there if he didn’t want to be bothered”). you might say that a 5 year old cant understand it either and i would understand that. never had a younger sibling this young nor a kid, so i’m not that well versed in this. if you can, please explain your opinion to me,

tldr: my brother keeps taking his frustration out on an already aggressive cat, sometimes just to get a reaction out of us and i have no idea how to get him to stop","You need to get professional help for him. 

This isn't going to go away on its own. 

Meanwhile please give the cat a new home, it's suffering., I'm a pet owner and a pet lover. I get it when people say their pets are like family.

That being said, you need to remove the cat from the home. If your sister views the cat like her child, she needs to understand that her ""child"" is being abused, and it's not safe in that environment., Re-home the cat. Period., For the moment, you have to give the cat away. It isn't right to allow it to live with that level of abuse. (Or any level, really.) If you are unwilling to do that, you need to be following him around the whole time and removing the cat from any bad situations right at the start. 

And I think your brother needs professional help. My autistic three year old understands us when we tell him to be gentle and soft with the cats. It took a few months to get him there, and, while we worked on that, we watched him like a hawk with the cats, especially since neither of our cats has an aggressive bone in their bodies and wouldn't scratch him. We read a lot of books about being nice to animals, we talked about how the kitties would be sad, we modeled and practiced with toy cats, we did a lot of hand over hand petting., When it comes to an animal being hurt there are 2 options.
One tell your sister it's selfish and cruel to keep the cat and find a good home.
Second stop providing attention for your brother when he hurts the cat. First time say in a dull voice no hurting the cat and pick him up and put him down in another room. If he goes back to the cat say nothing and pick him up and take him away from the cat.
It will be exhausting and frustrating but if you keep it up, no shouting pleading etc, it will stop.
He can learn but while it provides so much attention, even negative attention, he will continue.
Everyone in the family has to do the same thing for this to work, When I was a kid I would sometimes play with my cat a little too aggressively/meanly (I would put him in my laundry basket or in my sheets as a part of my play pretend). I feel horrible for it now and I always stopped when Gijsje (the cat) gave me a warning sign he seriously wanted me to back off. That kind of behaviour is normal for children and something they eventually grow out of. Actual intentional animal abuse is not. If a child is intentionally hurting animals to get a reaction, either out of the animal or out of people and will not stop despite being scratched. That is a sign of a lack of empathy. Now a lack of empathy in no way makes you inherently a bad person, but people who don't have empathy do generally need to learn sympathy. The cat doesn't deserve to be a victim of all of this. I know you cannot do much because you aren't his legal guardian but the best for both would be for the cat to get a new home and the kid to get professional therapy to learn sympathy., Rehome the cat and do all you can to ensure that the child gets therapy and support. Not a nice situation and I sympathise., Cat advice (since you've commented thst rehoming isn't an option cuz the cat isn't yours):
Jackson galaxy has some good books that are a bit older (cheap used on ebay or at the library) on catification, which is making your house cat friendly. His show is also free now on sites like tubi. You basically need to put up a bunch of shelves up high so the cat can get around indoors without touching the floor, all while being much taller than the kid. Galaxy has plans, where to buy items affordable (like cheap ikea lack shelves) and a lot of ideas in his books. This gets the cat away from the kid so it'll help prevent the abuse, becuase the kid won't be able to access the cat up high if you do it right.

Kid advice: cats and kids get overstimulated and lash out (and bite). They have this in common, and you can use it to start a discussion (which you'll have to have repeatedly) about cognative empathy. Alexithymia is a common thing with both males and autism that means they can't intuitively sense what others feel, and instead project their own feelings on to people and then get angry/defensive/don't understand when it's different. He thinks it's fun or funny, and literally cant understand the cat is in pain, becuase he is literally projecting his feelings onto the cat. Alexithymia to some degree is common, and can occur without adhd or asd. While he may not intuitively be able to understand how the cat feels, you *can* explain it to him in terms of his own experiences with overstimulation and his own experiences with pain., thank you for your reply. i’ll be  trying to press my mother on the fact that he needs to see a therapist or behavioural psychologist. it’s hard to get things through to her.

meanwhile i’ll try to get the cat used to living outside maybe, sadly i cant give him away because my sister is unwilling to let go of him. at least him being outside would give them more time to not interact

edit: after reading so many comments i do feel like giving him away to someone, maybe just temporarily could help. i’m trying to convince my sister of it. i know she loves him, but the current situation isn’t healthy for him to be in., thank you for your comment. i do understand that that is the case sadly, a lot of the comments made it really clear to me now. i’m really sad but we have to either put him outside or give him away. i’ll be showing the comments to my sister when she gets home to try and convince her, thank you for sharing your experience. at first he was like that as well, very gentle and nice with our cats. this addition started not so long ago with this cat and i figured that it might just be a way for him to act out and will get over it. sadly that doesn’t seem to be the case, and my mother is unwilling to get him any more help at the moment. but i will be trying to get her to understand it, thank you for your comment. i know that it seems selfish from an outside view but i can also understand my sister because she treats the cat like it’s her first born. but i do think you are right in this case, it just makes me very sad.

i definitely have been giving him the negative attention he wants, my mother always tells me to just ignore him and don’t egg him on but it’s really hard. i thought that maybe we could make the cat used to being outside and let him be outdoors, so we can create some space between them. i will definitely try to talk to my sister about this. i’m sorry if i seem stubborn, it’s just really devastating that we might need to rehome him. i will tell my family to try and keep to the method you said so that maybe it can be solved, thank you for your comment, i see it very clearly now that my brother is also in serious need of help. i’ll try my best to convince my mother to see it that way too, i want the best for him as well. i will talk to my sister about what we can do for our cat, im hoping that if my brother gets help we could be able to have him back with us safely, thank you, i appreciate it. i will try my best to convince my family to do both, for my brother’s and the cat’s sake, It’s only a matter of time before your brother kills this cat. If she loves this cat she needs to remove it, Honestly I understand, I have a lot of animals that I absolutely adore.
I would be heartbroken if I had to re home them, I don't think I could.
However the cat really isn't having a good life. Indoor cats have to be introduced to getting outside slowly so it's not a quick fix.
It will be hard and exhausting but the emotion had to be removed and your brother simply can't hurt the cat.
If he is removed in a calm manner every single time he will catch on.
But whoever sees him go to the cat has to act immediately
Also if you see your brother do anything nice to the cat praise him, say yes good boy gentle to Kitty.
I would try to teach him to play with the cat , like show him how to get her to chase a string or something.
Start their relationship from scratch. Maybe he could give her treats, in the UK most cats adore dreamies, it's a biscuit treat for cats with a filling, I hope so as well! My ex has had great experiences with behavioral therapy. He used to be very similar as a kid to your brother., i’m terrified of that thought but i do feel like it’s very possible. my sister will read all the comments and i hope they will be able to convince her. thank you for adding your opinion, i really appreciate your comment, im honestly kind of a mess just thinking about this all. he does like to play with a lasher and those string toys with the cat, but most of the times it tips over into the direction of him just chasing the cat around to play when he really doesn’t want to anymore.i will try to be more understanding and helpful with him, and not react to negative attention seeking behaviours. sometimes i ask him to feed the cat so he can do something good for him, the problem is that my brother doesn’t want to understand when the cat had enough and wants to be left alone. our cat likes to follow you around but he doesn’t like to be bothered, it’s his personality and i can’t really fix it, so it’s on my brother to try and understand it, that makes me a bit hopeful. the hardest part is making my mother take any kind of criticism, i can already see her screaming and throwing shit all day long after my sister and i bring it up to her. i’ve taken worse for my sister in the past, but i really don’t look forward to it, He will understand with everyone's help.
He will see when he gets rough he gets removed from the cat.
Whatever your brother likes, say a tablet, toy, favourite dvd, use that to re direct him.
Say you have had to take him to another room away from the cat, offer him the tablet or paper and pens to draw etc so he will re focus on that rather than focusing on getting back to the cat.
Discuss methods of removal and redirection with all your family so everyone knows what to do.
Keep first instruction simple
No hurting the cat 
Or 
Kitty has had enough now, if they were playing 
Then onto the removal and redirection.
You can do it if your Mum, siblings are on the same page  and are all handling the situation the same way, I wish you the best!, You need to get professional help for him. 

This isn't going to go away on its own. 

Meanwhile please give the cat a new home, it's suffering., I'm a pet owner and a pet lover. I get it when people say their pets are like family.

That being said, you need to remove the cat from the home. If your sister views the cat like her child, she needs to understand that her ""child"" is being abused, and it's not safe in that environment., Re-home the cat. Period., For the moment, you have to give the cat away. It isn't right to allow it to live with that level of abuse. (Or any level, really.) If you are unwilling to do that, you need to be following him around the whole time and removing the cat from any bad situations right at the start. 

And I think your brother needs professional help. My autistic three year old understands us when we tell him to be gentle and soft with the cats. It took a few months to get him there, and, while we worked on that, we watched him like a hawk with the cats, especially since neither of our cats has an aggressive bone in their bodies and wouldn't scratch him. We read a lot of books about being nice to animals, we talked about how the kitties would be sad, we modeled and practiced with toy cats, we did a lot of hand over hand petting., When it comes to an animal being hurt there are 2 options.
One tell your sister it's selfish and cruel to keep the cat and find a good home.
Second stop providing attention for your brother when he hurts the cat. First time say in a dull voice no hurting the cat and pick him up and put him down in another room. If he goes back to the cat say nothing and pick him up and take him away from the cat.
It will be exhausting and frustrating but if you keep it up, no shouting pleading etc, it will stop.
He can learn but while it provides so much attention, even negative attention, he will continue.
Everyone in the family has to do the same thing for this to work, When I was a kid I would sometimes play with my cat a little too aggressively/meanly (I would put him in my laundry basket or in my sheets as a part of my play pretend). I feel horrible for it now and I always stopped when Gijsje (the cat) gave me a warning sign he seriously wanted me to back off. That kind of behaviour is normal for children and something they eventually grow out of. Actual intentional animal abuse is not. If a child is intentionally hurting animals to get a reaction, either out of the animal or out of people and will not stop despite being scratched. That is a sign of a lack of empathy. Now a lack of empathy in no way makes you inherently a bad person, but people who don't have empathy do generally need to learn sympathy. The cat doesn't deserve to be a victim of all of this. I know you cannot do much because you aren't his legal guardian but the best for both would be for the cat to get a new home and the kid to get professional therapy to learn sympathy., Rehome the cat and do all you can to ensure that the child gets therapy and support. Not a nice situation and I sympathise., Cat advice (since you've commented thst rehoming isn't an option cuz the cat isn't yours):
Jackson galaxy has some good books that are a bit older (cheap used on ebay or at the library) on catification, which is making your house cat friendly. His show is also free now on sites like tubi. You basically need to put up a bunch of shelves up high so the cat can get around indoors without touching the floor, all while being much taller than the kid. Galaxy has plans, where to buy items affordable (like cheap ikea lack shelves) and a lot of ideas in his books. This gets the cat away from the kid so it'll help prevent the abuse, becuase the kid won't be able to access the cat up high if you do it right.

Kid advice: cats and kids get overstimulated and lash out (and bite). They have this in common, and you can use it to start a discussion (which you'll have to have repeatedly) about cognative empathy. Alexithymia is a common thing with both males and autism that means they can't intuitively sense what others feel, and instead project their own feelings on to people and then get angry/defensive/don't understand when it's different. He thinks it's fun or funny, and literally cant understand the cat is in pain, becuase he is literally projecting his feelings onto the cat. Alexithymia to some degree is common, and can occur without adhd or asd. While he may not intuitively be able to understand how the cat feels, you *can* explain it to him in terms of his own experiences with overstimulation and his own experiences with pain., thank you for your reply. i’ll be  trying to press my mother on the fact that he needs to see a therapist or behavioural psychologist. it’s hard to get things through to her.

meanwhile i’ll try to get the cat used to living outside maybe, sadly i cant give him away because my sister is unwilling to let go of him. at least him being outside would give them more time to not interact

edit: after reading so many comments i do feel like giving him away to someone, maybe just temporarily could help. i’m trying to convince my sister of it. i know she loves him, but the current situation isn’t healthy for him to be in., thank you for your comment. i do understand that that is the case sadly, a lot of the comments made it really clear to me now. i’m really sad but we have to either put him outside or give him away. i’ll be showing the comments to my sister when she gets home to try and convince her, thank you for sharing your experience. at first he was like that as well, very gentle and nice with our cats. this addition started not so long ago with this cat and i figured that it might just be a way for him to act out and will get over it. sadly that doesn’t seem to be the case, and my mother is unwilling to get him any more help at the moment. but i will be trying to get her to understand it, thank you for your comment. i know that it seems selfish from an outside view but i can also understand my sister because she treats the cat like it’s her first born. but i do think you are right in this case, it just makes me very sad.

i definitely have been giving him the negative attention he wants, my mother always tells me to just ignore him and don’t egg him on but it’s really hard. i thought that maybe we could make the cat used to being outside and let him be outdoors, so we can create some space between them. i will definitely try to talk to my sister about this. i’m sorry if i seem stubborn, it’s just really devastating that we might need to rehome him. i will tell my family to try and keep to the method you said so that maybe it can be solved, thank you for your comment, i see it very clearly now that my brother is also in serious need of help. i’ll try my best to convince my mother to see it that way too, i want the best for him as well. i will talk to my sister about what we can do for our cat, im hoping that if my brother gets help we could be able to have him back with us safely, thank you, i appreciate it. i will try my best to convince my family to do both, for my brother’s and the cat’s sake, It’s only a matter of time before your brother kills this cat. If she loves this cat she needs to remove it, Honestly I understand, I have a lot of animals that I absolutely adore.
I would be heartbroken if I had to re home them, I don't think I could.
However the cat really isn't having a good life. Indoor cats have to be introduced to getting outside slowly so it's not a quick fix.
It will be hard and exhausting but the emotion had to be removed and your brother simply can't hurt the cat.
If he is removed in a calm manner every single time he will catch on.
But whoever sees him go to the cat has to act immediately
Also if you see your brother do anything nice to the cat praise him, say yes good boy gentle to Kitty.
I would try to teach him to play with the cat , like show him how to get her to chase a string or something.
Start their relationship from scratch. Maybe he could give her treats, in the UK most cats adore dreamies, it's a biscuit treat for cats with a filling, I hope so as well! My ex has had great experiences with behavioral therapy. He used to be very similar as a kid to your brother., i’m terrified of that thought but i do feel like it’s very possible. my sister will read all the comments and i hope they will be able to convince her. thank you for adding your opinion, i really appreciate your comment, im honestly kind of a mess just thinking about this all. he does like to play with a lasher and those string toys with the cat, but most of the times it tips over into the direction of him just chasing the cat around to play when he really doesn’t want to anymore.i will try to be more understanding and helpful with him, and not react to negative attention seeking behaviours. sometimes i ask him to feed the cat so he can do something good for him, the problem is that my brother doesn’t want to understand when the cat had enough and wants to be left alone. our cat likes to follow you around but he doesn’t like to be bothered, it’s his personality and i can’t really fix it, so it’s on my brother to try and understand it, that makes me a bit hopeful. the hardest part is making my mother take any kind of criticism, i can already see her screaming and throwing shit all day long after my sister and i bring it up to her. i’ve taken worse for my sister in the past, but i really don’t look forward to it, He will understand with everyone's help.
He will see when he gets rough he gets removed from the cat.
Whatever your brother likes, say a tablet, toy, favourite dvd, use that to re direct him.
Say you have had to take him to another room away from the cat, offer him the tablet or paper and pens to draw etc so he will re focus on that rather than focusing on getting back to the cat.
Discuss methods of removal and redirection with all your family so everyone knows what to do.
Keep first instruction simple
No hurting the cat 
Or 
Kitty has had enough now, if they were playing 
Then onto the removal and redirection.
You can do it if your Mum, siblings are on the same page  and are all handling the situation the same way, I wish you the best!, You need to get professional help for him. 

This isn't going to go away on its own. 

Meanwhile please give the cat a new home, it's suffering., I'm a pet owner and a pet lover. I get it when people say their pets are like family.

That being said, you need to remove the cat from the home. If your sister views the cat like her child, she needs to understand that her ""child"" is being abused, and it's not safe in that environment., Re-home the cat. Period., For the moment, you have to give the cat away. It isn't right to allow it to live with that level of abuse. (Or any level, really.) If you are unwilling to do that, you need to be following him around the whole time and removing the cat from any bad situations right at the start. 

And I think your brother needs professional help. My autistic three year old understands us when we tell him to be gentle and soft with the cats. It took a few months to get him there, and, while we worked on that, we watched him like a hawk with the cats, especially since neither of our cats has an aggressive bone in their bodies and wouldn't scratch him. We read a lot of books about being nice to animals, we talked about how the kitties would be sad, we modeled and practiced with toy cats, we did a lot of hand over hand petting., When it comes to an animal being hurt there are 2 options.
One tell your sister it's selfish and cruel to keep the cat and find a good home.
Second stop providing attention for your brother when he hurts the cat. First time say in a dull voice no hurting the cat and pick him up and put him down in another room. If he goes back to the cat say nothing and pick him up and take him away from the cat.
It will be exhausting and frustrating but if you keep it up, no shouting pleading etc, it will stop.
He can learn but while it provides so much attention, even negative attention, he will continue.
Everyone in the family has to do the same thing for this to work, When I was a kid I would sometimes play with my cat a little too aggressively/meanly (I would put him in my laundry basket or in my sheets as a part of my play pretend). I feel horrible for it now and I always stopped when Gijsje (the cat) gave me a warning sign he seriously wanted me to back off. That kind of behaviour is normal for children and something they eventually grow out of. Actual intentional animal abuse is not. If a child is intentionally hurting animals to get a reaction, either out of the animal or out of people and will not stop despite being scratched. That is a sign of a lack of empathy. Now a lack of empathy in no way makes you inherently a bad person, but people who don't have empathy do generally need to learn sympathy. The cat doesn't deserve to be a victim of all of this. I know you cannot do much because you aren't his legal guardian but the best for both would be for the cat to get a new home and the kid to get professional therapy to learn sympathy., Rehome the cat and do all you can to ensure that the child gets therapy and support. Not a nice situation and I sympathise., Cat advice (since you've commented thst rehoming isn't an option cuz the cat isn't yours):
Jackson galaxy has some good books that are a bit older (cheap used on ebay or at the library) on catification, which is making your house cat friendly. His show is also free now on sites like tubi. You basically need to put up a bunch of shelves up high so the cat can get around indoors without touching the floor, all while being much taller than the kid. Galaxy has plans, where to buy items affordable (like cheap ikea lack shelves) and a lot of ideas in his books. This gets the cat away from the kid so it'll help prevent the abuse, becuase the kid won't be able to access the cat up high if you do it right.

Kid advice: cats and kids get overstimulated and lash out (and bite). They have this in common, and you can use it to start a discussion (which you'll have to have repeatedly) about cognative empathy. Alexithymia is a common thing with both males and autism that means they can't intuitively sense what others feel, and instead project their own feelings on to people and then get angry/defensive/don't understand when it's different. He thinks it's fun or funny, and literally cant understand the cat is in pain, becuase he is literally projecting his feelings onto the cat. Alexithymia to some degree is common, and can occur without adhd or asd. While he may not intuitively be able to understand how the cat feels, you *can* explain it to him in terms of his own experiences with overstimulation and his own experiences with pain., thank you for your reply. i’ll be  trying to press my mother on the fact that he needs to see a therapist or behavioural psychologist. it’s hard to get things through to her.

meanwhile i’ll try to get the cat used to living outside maybe, sadly i cant give him away because my sister is unwilling to let go of him. at least him being outside would give them more time to not interact

edit: after reading so many comments i do feel like giving him away to someone, maybe just temporarily could help. i’m trying to convince my sister of it. i know she loves him, but the current situation isn’t healthy for him to be in., thank you for your comment. i do understand that that is the case sadly, a lot of the comments made it really clear to me now. i’m really sad but we have to either put him outside or give him away. i’ll be showing the comments to my sister when she gets home to try and convince her, thank you for sharing your experience. at first he was like that as well, very gentle and nice with our cats. this addition started not so long ago with this cat and i figured that it might just be a way for him to act out and will get over it. sadly that doesn’t seem to be the case, and my mother is unwilling to get him any more help at the moment. but i will be trying to get her to understand it, thank you for your comment. i know that it seems selfish from an outside view but i can also understand my sister because she treats the cat like it’s her first born. but i do think you are right in this case, it just makes me very sad.

i definitely have been giving him the negative attention he wants, my mother always tells me to just ignore him and don’t egg him on but it’s really hard. i thought that maybe we could make the cat used to being outside and let him be outdoors, so we can create some space between them. i will definitely try to talk to my sister about this. i’m sorry if i seem stubborn, it’s just really devastating that we might need to rehome him. i will tell my family to try and keep to the method you said so that maybe it can be solved, thank you for your comment, i see it very clearly now that my brother is also in serious need of help. i’ll try my best to convince my mother to see it that way too, i want the best for him as well. i will talk to my sister about what we can do for our cat, im hoping that if my brother gets help we could be able to have him back with us safely, thank you, i appreciate it. i will try my best to convince my family to do both, for my brother’s and the cat’s sake, It’s only a matter of time before your brother kills this cat. If she loves this cat she needs to remove it, Honestly I understand, I have a lot of animals that I absolutely adore.
I would be heartbroken if I had to re home them, I don't think I could.
However the cat really isn't having a good life. Indoor cats have to be introduced to getting outside slowly so it's not a quick fix.
It will be hard and exhausting but the emotion had to be removed and your brother simply can't hurt the cat.
If he is removed in a calm manner every single time he will catch on.
But whoever sees him go to the cat has to act immediately
Also if you see your brother do anything nice to the cat praise him, say yes good boy gentle to Kitty.
I would try to teach him to play with the cat , like show him how to get her to chase a string or something.
Start their relationship from scratch. Maybe he could give her treats, in the UK most cats adore dreamies, it's a biscuit treat for cats with a filling, I hope so as well! My ex has had great experiences with behavioral therapy. He used to be very similar as a kid to your brother., i’m terrified of that thought but i do feel like it’s very possible. my sister will read all the comments and i hope they will be able to convince her. thank you for adding your opinion, i really appreciate your comment, im honestly kind of a mess just thinking about this all. he does like to play with a lasher and those string toys with the cat, but most of the times it tips over into the direction of him just chasing the cat around to play when he really doesn’t want to anymore.i will try to be more understanding and helpful with him, and not react to negative attention seeking behaviours. sometimes i ask him to feed the cat so he can do something good for him, the problem is that my brother doesn’t want to understand when the cat had enough and wants to be left alone. our cat likes to follow you around but he doesn’t like to be bothered, it’s his personality and i can’t really fix it, so it’s on my brother to try and understand it, that makes me a bit hopeful. the hardest part is making my mother take any kind of criticism, i can already see her screaming and throwing shit all day long after my sister and i bring it up to her. i’ve taken worse for my sister in the past, but i really don’t look forward to it, He will understand with everyone's help.
He will see when he gets rough he gets removed from the cat.
Whatever your brother likes, say a tablet, toy, favourite dvd, use that to re direct him.
Say you have had to take him to another room away from the cat, offer him the tablet or paper and pens to draw etc so he will re focus on that rather than focusing on getting back to the cat.
Discuss methods of removal and redirection with all your family so everyone knows what to do.
Keep first instruction simple
No hurting the cat 
Or 
Kitty has had enough now, if they were playing 
Then onto the removal and redirection.
You can do it if your Mum, siblings are on the same page  and are all handling the situation the same way, I wish you the best!, You need to get professional help for him. 

This isn't going to go away on its own. 

Meanwhile please give the cat a new home, it's suffering., I'm a pet owner and a pet lover. I get it when people say their pets are like family.

That being said, you need to remove the cat from the home. If your sister views the cat like her child, she needs to understand that her ""child"" is being abused, and it's not safe in that environment., Re-home the cat. Period., For the moment, you have to give the cat away. It isn't right to allow it to live with that level of abuse. (Or any level, really.) If you are unwilling to do that, you need to be following him around the whole time and removing the cat from any bad situations right at the start. 

And I think your brother needs professional help. My autistic three year old understands us when we tell him to be gentle and soft with the cats. It took a few months to get him there, and, while we worked on that, we watched him like a hawk with the cats, especially since neither of our cats has an aggressive bone in their bodies and wouldn't scratch him. We read a lot of books about being nice to animals, we talked about how the kitties would be sad, we modeled and practiced with toy cats, we did a lot of hand over hand petting., When it comes to an animal being hurt there are 2 options.
One tell your sister it's selfish and cruel to keep the cat and find a good home.
Second stop providing attention for your brother when he hurts the cat. First time say in a dull voice no hurting the cat and pick him up and put him down in another room. If he goes back to the cat say nothing and pick him up and take him away from the cat.
It will be exhausting and frustrating but if you keep it up, no shouting pleading etc, it will stop.
He can learn but while it provides so much attention, even negative attention, he will continue.
Everyone in the family has to do the same thing for this to work, When I was a kid I would sometimes play with my cat a little too aggressively/meanly (I would put him in my laundry basket or in my sheets as a part of my play pretend). I feel horrible for it now and I always stopped when Gijsje (the cat) gave me a warning sign he seriously wanted me to back off. That kind of behaviour is normal for children and something they eventually grow out of. Actual intentional animal abuse is not. If a child is intentionally hurting animals to get a reaction, either out of the animal or out of people and will not stop despite being scratched. That is a sign of a lack of empathy. Now a lack of empathy in no way makes you inherently a bad person, but people who don't have empathy do generally need to learn sympathy. The cat doesn't deserve to be a victim of all of this. I know you cannot do much because you aren't his legal guardian but the best for both would be for the cat to get a new home and the kid to get professional therapy to learn sympathy., Rehome the cat and do all you can to ensure that the child gets therapy and support. Not a nice situation and I sympathise., Cat advice (since you've commented thst rehoming isn't an option cuz the cat isn't yours):
Jackson galaxy has some good books that are a bit older (cheap used on ebay or at the library) on catification, which is making your house cat friendly. His show is also free now on sites like tubi. You basically need to put up a bunch of shelves up high so the cat can get around indoors without touching the floor, all while being much taller than the kid. Galaxy has plans, where to buy items affordable (like cheap ikea lack shelves) and a lot of ideas in his books. This gets the cat away from the kid so it'll help prevent the abuse, becuase the kid won't be able to access the cat up high if you do it right.

Kid advice: cats and kids get overstimulated and lash out (and bite). They have this in common, and you can use it to start a discussion (which you'll have to have repeatedly) about cognative empathy. Alexithymia is a common thing with both males and autism that means they can't intuitively sense what others feel, and instead project their own feelings on to people and then get angry/defensive/don't understand when it's different. He thinks it's fun or funny, and literally cant understand the cat is in pain, becuase he is literally projecting his feelings onto the cat. Alexithymia to some degree is common, and can occur without adhd or asd. While he may not intuitively be able to understand how the cat feels, you *can* explain it to him in terms of his own experiences with overstimulation and his own experiences with pain., thank you for your reply. i’ll be  trying to press my mother on the fact that he needs to see a therapist or behavioural psychologist. it’s hard to get things through to her.

meanwhile i’ll try to get the cat used to living outside maybe, sadly i cant give him away because my sister is unwilling to let go of him. at least him being outside would give them more time to not interact

edit: after reading so many comments i do feel like giving him away to someone, maybe just temporarily could help. i’m trying to convince my sister of it. i know she loves him, but the current situation isn’t healthy for him to be in., thank you for your comment. i do understand that that is the case sadly, a lot of the comments made it really clear to me now. i’m really sad but we have to either put him outside or give him away. i’ll be showing the comments to my sister when she gets home to try and convince her, thank you for sharing your experience. at first he was like that as well, very gentle and nice with our cats. this addition started not so long ago with this cat and i figured that it might just be a way for him to act out and will get over it. sadly that doesn’t seem to be the case, and my mother is unwilling to get him any more help at the moment. but i will be trying to get her to understand it, thank you for your comment. i know that it seems selfish from an outside view but i can also understand my sister because she treats the cat like it’s her first born. but i do think you are right in this case, it just makes me very sad.

i definitely have been giving him the negative attention he wants, my mother always tells me to just ignore him and don’t egg him on but it’s really hard. i thought that maybe we could make the cat used to being outside and let him be outdoors, so we can create some space between them. i will definitely try to talk to my sister about this. i’m sorry if i seem stubborn, it’s just really devastating that we might need to rehome him. i will tell my family to try and keep to the method you said so that maybe it can be solved, thank you for your comment, i see it very clearly now that my brother is also in serious need of help. i’ll try my best to convince my mother to see it that way too, i want the best for him as well. i will talk to my sister about what we can do for our cat, im hoping that if my brother gets help we could be able to have him back with us safely, thank you, i appreciate it. i will try my best to convince my family to do both, for my brother’s and the cat’s sake, It’s only a matter of time before your brother kills this cat. If she loves this cat she needs to remove it, Honestly I understand, I have a lot of animals that I absolutely adore.
I would be heartbroken if I had to re home them, I don't think I could.
However the cat really isn't having a good life. Indoor cats have to be introduced to getting outside slowly so it's not a quick fix.
It will be hard and exhausting but the emotion had to be removed and your brother simply can't hurt the cat.
If he is removed in a calm manner every single time he will catch on.
But whoever sees him go to the cat has to act immediately
Also if you see your brother do anything nice to the cat praise him, say yes good boy gentle to Kitty.
I would try to teach him to play with the cat , like show him how to get her to chase a string or something.
Start their relationship from scratch. Maybe he could give her treats, in the UK most cats adore dreamies, it's a biscuit treat for cats with a filling, I hope so as well! My ex has had great experiences with behavioral therapy. He used to be very similar as a kid to your brother., i’m terrified of that thought but i do feel like it’s very possible. my sister will read all the comments and i hope they will be able to convince her. thank you for adding your opinion, i really appreciate your comment, im honestly kind of a mess just thinking about this all. he does like to play with a lasher and those string toys with the cat, but most of the times it tips over into the direction of him just chasing the cat around to play when he really doesn’t want to anymore.i will try to be more understanding and helpful with him, and not react to negative attention seeking behaviours. sometimes i ask him to feed the cat so he can do something good for him, the problem is that my brother doesn’t want to understand when the cat had enough and wants to be left alone. our cat likes to follow you around but he doesn’t like to be bothered, it’s his personality and i can’t really fix it, so it’s on my brother to try and understand it, that makes me a bit hopeful. the hardest part is making my mother take any kind of criticism, i can already see her screaming and throwing shit all day long after my sister and i bring it up to her. i’ve taken worse for my sister in the past, but i really don’t look forward to it, He will understand with everyone's help.
He will see when he gets rough he gets removed from the cat.
Whatever your brother likes, say a tablet, toy, favourite dvd, use that to re direct him.
Say you have had to take him to another room away from the cat, offer him the tablet or paper and pens to draw etc so he will re focus on that rather than focusing on getting back to the cat.
Discuss methods of removal and redirection with all your family so everyone knows what to do.
Keep first instruction simple
No hurting the cat 
Or 
Kitty has had enough now, if they were playing 
Then onto the removal and redirection.
You can do it if your Mum, siblings are on the same page  and are all handling the situation the same way, I wish you the best!",Support,Family Support
"So, not formally diagnosed but since starting school it's become clearer and clearer that he is on the spectrum. We are on the pathway to diagnosis and the SENCO at school says he is showing clear traits and with reflection on some of his previous behaviours that this is case. 
He is very smart and way ahead of the expected levels in maths and reading. However he is getting overstimulated and aggressive. He is bouncing off the walls and has threatened toor has hit me and my wife and we had to pull him away from the dog. I'm not sure its properly aggressive but seems to be a way of a release. The only way he will really settle down is screen time (numberblocks or games on my phone/switch) and after that will start bouncing off the walls again. I suppose this has turned into a bit of a rant but it has got really bad over the past week since we started the Easter holidays and honestly I am really struggling to deal with this and could do with some advice.","We went through something similar with my son. OT helped a lot but that took me a while to set up. Is there a place in the school where he can go to decompress? A quiet room with dimmer lights and maybe  non technical fidget type toys? Seems like he is self soothing with the technology. 

Maybe even something he can fidget with in the classroom to allow his to release some of the nervous energy? 

The teachers and staff should also learn his behavior/ actions he takes right before he blows up due to overstimulation so he can maybe get a break before that happens. 

It's tough to navigate but after a dx and a couple years we are finally figuring out how to help my son to be more successful at school., School are right on top of it and have one on one support and a quiet room they can take him too before any explosions and it's worked really well for him.
I suppose it's more he has suddenly started behaving this way at home very recently and our strategies of trying to calm him down (bar screen time) just seem to have stopped working., We went through something similar with my son. OT helped a lot but that took me a while to set up. Is there a place in the school where he can go to decompress? A quiet room with dimmer lights and maybe  non technical fidget type toys? Seems like he is self soothing with the technology. 

Maybe even something he can fidget with in the classroom to allow his to release some of the nervous energy? 

The teachers and staff should also learn his behavior/ actions he takes right before he blows up due to overstimulation so he can maybe get a break before that happens. 

It's tough to navigate but after a dx and a couple years we are finally figuring out how to help my son to be more successful at school., School are right on top of it and have one on one support and a quiet room they can take him too before any explosions and it's worked really well for him.
I suppose it's more he has suddenly started behaving this way at home very recently and our strategies of trying to calm him down (bar screen time) just seem to have stopped working., We went through something similar with my son. OT helped a lot but that took me a while to set up. Is there a place in the school where he can go to decompress? A quiet room with dimmer lights and maybe  non technical fidget type toys? Seems like he is self soothing with the technology. 

Maybe even something he can fidget with in the classroom to allow his to release some of the nervous energy? 

The teachers and staff should also learn his behavior/ actions he takes right before he blows up due to overstimulation so he can maybe get a break before that happens. 

It's tough to navigate but after a dx and a couple years we are finally figuring out how to help my son to be more successful at school., School are right on top of it and have one on one support and a quiet room they can take him too before any explosions and it's worked really well for him.
I suppose it's more he has suddenly started behaving this way at home very recently and our strategies of trying to calm him down (bar screen time) just seem to have stopped working., We went through something similar with my son. OT helped a lot but that took me a while to set up. Is there a place in the school where he can go to decompress? A quiet room with dimmer lights and maybe  non technical fidget type toys? Seems like he is self soothing with the technology. 

Maybe even something he can fidget with in the classroom to allow his to release some of the nervous energy? 

The teachers and staff should also learn his behavior/ actions he takes right before he blows up due to overstimulation so he can maybe get a break before that happens. 

It's tough to navigate but after a dx and a couple years we are finally figuring out how to help my son to be more successful at school., School are right on top of it and have one on one support and a quiet room they can take him too before any explosions and it's worked really well for him.
I suppose it's more he has suddenly started behaving this way at home very recently and our strategies of trying to calm him down (bar screen time) just seem to have stopped working.",Support,Seeking Advice
"Important to note: 1. I know Brain Balance is NOT medically supported. 2. I am not exhausted and I do not feel hopeless. 3. I completely agree that the program’s “techniques” are odd (to say the least). 4. I am looking for advice from families that have actually experienced the program.

Background: My son was recently diagnosed with autism. His strengths are that he is very social (makes eye contact, engages with peers, loves to play with kids of all ages, makes excellent eye contact) and very easy going (no behavioral problems). Because of these strengths, he went undiagnosed for a long time. However, while he communicates initially, he cannot hold a conversation without accommodation (eventually talks about things only he’s interested in, repeats, etc.). Also, he has cognitive delays and “functions” closer to a 3y/o vs. his chronological age of 5 years old. 

Therapies: He has been in Early Intervention (OT, PT) and now DART (OT, Speech Therapy, Specialized Instruction) since the age of 8 months. We have always seen progress. He’s never regressed or plateaued; however, the gaps between him and his peers continued to widen. 

He is starting ABA services in a couple of weeks - approximately 30 hours a week. He will maintain his DART services (each once a week for 35 minutes).

We also had him evaluated by Brain Balance and are wondering if we should try their program in addition to the traditional therapies. There is so much online and I have done thorough research on the program and am well aware it is not scientifically based and essentially considered a scam (cost is $12,600 for 72 sessions - 6 months - which is equivalent to $175 a session).

HOWEVER, I want to cover all of my bases and so I am asking - has anyone gone through the Brain Balance program (or a similar program) and what specific improvements/accomplishments, if any, did your child have as a result?

Please be kind and thank you in advance for caring enough to respond.","Honestly it sounds like your son has been doing exceptionally well with the therapies he's currently in. He's social, learning to talk, and sounds like a really well behaved kid. I have to ask, what do you hope to gain from ABA therapy, and what do you hope to gain from brain balance? He's 5 and already doing exceptionally well so it seems like a bit overkill and I'm not sure what else you are hoping to gain. Brain balance is definitely a scam., Brain balance is a scam. Little to no medical backing, it’s the Scientology of the autism world. Don’t get sucked into it. 

imo: do the therapies you have been doing. No need to donate money to people that take advantage of desperate parents for their own sick financial gain., Thank you so much! To answer your question about what I’m hoping to gain - the ABA treatment plan is centered around improving receptive language skills and social skills (in addition to other areas, but those are the main ones). 

Based on the result of Brain Balance’s assessment, I was told his functional age averages around 3 years old and that their program, after approximately 10 months, would bring him to his chronological age of 5 year olds. I do not believe that is possible, but still wanted to ask others’ input in the chance they did experience benefits from the program that it would make it worth while., He's in speech therapy. That helps with receptive language and to be honest his social skills sound perfectly fine for a 5yr old. Kindergarten will be great for him. I'm surprised that ABA is even an option on the table for your son but if its pediatrician recommended, you do you.

😬 Brain Balance though... It is a grift. The guy who created it lied about his qualifications and uses disproven theories about left/right brain functions along with disproven nutritional theories. 5 yrs ago they were promising 3-6month services and parents were spending 12 grand on them at that time. Your very well functioning 5yr old is recommended a 10month disproven program? They lie about their approach being backed by research. They are scamming you. As someone with dyslexia myself, reading about their supposed cures disgusts me. Much like autism there is a genetic component to dyslexia. It's a language processing disorder, it effects more than written word and sure as heck cant be cured by a vibrating wrist band. But what gets me is how the heck these people think dairy or gluten or sugar have any effect on a genetic condition? Same goes for autism and adhd as well.",Treatment,Alternative Therapies
"My 5yo daughter has social/emotional ASD diagnosis. 

She had one young babysitter for a while and we had no issues.  I found a new sitter who seems so perfect, she has a masters in child development, worked at a therapy place for ASD kids that my daughter has gone to, and currently works as speech therapist at the very school district my daughter is attending.

She has babysat twice (2.5 hours each time), and from what I can tell shes done nothing wrong at all, but my daughter was highly anxious as soon as she showed up the first time, insisting that they both go on a long walk just the two of them as soon as she arrived. The second time the sitter came, my daughter did the same thing even though it was a little rainy outside ""we have to go on a walk right now"".  It's weird because you would think that if a kid was nervous to be around someone, they wouldn't want to immediately leave their parents and go be alone outside with that person. This babysitter seems extremely sweet and well qualified, and she was raised with a disabled younger brother she helped take care of.

​

Now I've been trying to ask my daughter if we should have this babysitter come back or not. I was hoping it would be a resounding yes, but for some reason my daughter refuses to talk about it and goes into full screaming, sobbing, covering her ears meltdown when I've asked her. 

I told her all she needs to do is say no and I'll tell the babysitter not to come back. But the very question is really upsetting to her.

​

It's fine, I can tell the babysitter we made other plans going forward, but I wish I could get to the bottom of this and see if theres an actual problem with the babysitter or if theres some way I can make my daughter less anxious.

​","Do you have people visit regularly? If not, your daughter might see your home as ""her space"" and the babysitter as an imposter regardless of how sweet she is., She probably associates babysitter with to being gone so asking if you want sitter to come back means do you want me to leave again. Have you tried having the sitter come over when you can be at home? And don’t engage with your daughter as much as you normally would during that time, have the sitter bring some balloons or bubbles or something in that vein., Is there any chance that the therapy place was distressing to her?, Do you have people visit regularly? If not, your daughter might see your home as ""her space"" and the babysitter as an imposter regardless of how sweet she is., She probably associates babysitter with to being gone so asking if you want sitter to come back means do you want me to leave again. Have you tried having the sitter come over when you can be at home? And don’t engage with your daughter as much as you normally would during that time, have the sitter bring some balloons or bubbles or something in that vein., Is there any chance that the therapy place was distressing to her?, Do you have people visit regularly? If not, your daughter might see your home as ""her space"" and the babysitter as an imposter regardless of how sweet she is., She probably associates babysitter with to being gone so asking if you want sitter to come back means do you want me to leave again. Have you tried having the sitter come over when you can be at home? And don’t engage with your daughter as much as you normally would during that time, have the sitter bring some balloons or bubbles or something in that vein., Is there any chance that the therapy place was distressing to her?, Do you have people visit regularly? If not, your daughter might see your home as ""her space"" and the babysitter as an imposter regardless of how sweet she is., She probably associates babysitter with to being gone so asking if you want sitter to come back means do you want me to leave again. Have you tried having the sitter come over when you can be at home? And don’t engage with your daughter as much as you normally would during that time, have the sitter bring some balloons or bubbles or something in that vein., Is there any chance that the therapy place was distressing to her?",Support,Child Behavior
"I know it’s still early to confirm autism but my baby turns 6 months this week and for the past month he’s constantly doing a very specific hand gesture. He puts his pointer an thumb together as if he’s doing an “ok” sign. He does this allllll day long and sometimes inspects his hands while doing it, has anyone else’s baby done this? He recently has started rocking back and forth while sitting. He’s been hitting all over milestones and makes eye contact.","Babies that young are still learning about their bodies. He might be just fascinated that his finger and thumb touch. But it also could be early stimming. It's so impossible to know. 

​

Looking back, I can see that my baby stimmed even in utero. He never stopped moving and kicking even as a newborn, many people remarked on it. I'm glad I didn't know because the worst part is the fear of how things are going to play out. So all I can say is know that your kid is doing great and likely it isn't autism., Sounds like he is learning his pincer grasp which developmentally normal for his age., Hi any update is he still doing this ??, Sounds to me like normal fine motor skills development., There’s no way to know mommy. Baby will do lots of strange movements, he’s figuring out his body. You
Have to wait it out at this point. I know It’s hard. Try to put your worries aside for now and focus on all the positive things he is doing., Anyone else think mods need to crack down more on posts like this? This sub should be for supporting parents of autistic children, not reasuring paranoid parents of babies that are much too early to be diagnosed. I know it sounds harsh but these posts drive me nuts., can i ask how your baby is doing now my 6 month is doing this constantly also doing a tongue thrust with it ? any update would be greatx, Thanks for your input. Mine always moved non-stop in utero and has what I like to call “happy feet”, he’s constantly kicking when excited. While I was pregnant someone I know with two autistic children told me active in utero could be an early sign.

That’s where I’m at now hyperaware but trying not to fear the unknown because there’s so much online info. I feel like I’m analyzing everything he does now., It's so hard to stop but try to practice not looking for signs. It helped me to remind myself that if he is or if he isn't, nothing changes about him. He will always be who he is., Great point, thank you!",Symptoms,Early Signs
"My 6 (nearly 7) year old is full of life, she's a chatterbox, an avid gamer, a scientist and a singer. She loves everyone and everything (except spiders). She's just wonderful and funny. 
Recently, I spoke to her school as I have suspected that she is on the spectrum for a little bit, the school agreed and when we took her to see the doctor, they also agreed. 
She mainly suffers from an inability to control her emotional regulation, she can yo-yo from manic happiness to crying her eyes out for seemingly no reason, no worries as we've always told her that sometimes bodies need to cry, we practice breathing techniques and just have a cuddle. 
Recently however, she has begun 'ignoring' her step dad, he can ask her a question or generally talking to her she will stare blankly and continue on with what it is she wants. She's usually much better with me. This has been upsetting her stepdad, he feels like he should just not bother talking and it's creating issues for me as I have to mediate. 
I have had a chat with her, tried to say how ignoring people can make their ""heart hurt"" and work through some examples, but still nothing much changes except she gets upset thinking she is being told off when she isn't.
Has anyone else experienced this? I want to make sure that she understands, but also that she isn't overwhelmed etc. 
Apologies for the long text, I want to make sure I'm doing things the right way! ","My 6-year-old 'ignores' or stares blankly with people he feels uncomfortable with, new people, or sometimes 'ignoring' is his way to communicate he doesn't want to talk about it, or doesn't know the answer. I don't know about your daughter, but making a big deal about it would just make him more uncomfortable and reinforce the reaction. 

Honestly, I see the problem being that it upsets step-dad. He is getting his feelings hurt by normal behavior by an autistic 6-year-old. He needs to reframe it in his mind, that she isn't choosing him to be mean to or to ignore him. For whatever reason, there is a glitch in their communication. As you said, she is 'usually' better with you, meaning that it still happens with other people, it isn't just him. She isn't singling him out. 

When it happens with my son, if it isn't important, I move on. If I need to get his attention, I will sing the question- music has always captured his attention more than words. If that doesn't work, I will go to him and get his attention physically, either placing my hand on his arm or whatever is comfortable for him. I assume his brain filters information and stimulation differently and sometimes my voice isn't making it to his attention center. It isn't a personal attack, it's just processing differences., Is she ignoring, or is she hyper focused on something else and/or having delays processing?, Honestly if it was me I'd tell him he is just going to have to be patient and keep making an effort.
Carry on trying to talk, asking your daughter if she wants to go to the park with him or play a game.
He needs to get Interested  in what she likes and play along side or watch along side her.
Take the pressure off and let their bond happen naturally, How long has step dad been in her life and is this his only child? Does he know anything about kids or autism?, I’m confused.  Is she “zoned out” or is she ignoring him?  Because those are two very different things.   Sometimes I find my son hears, but his brain does not process the sounds, so he is not listening.  You can be frustrated, but you need to try to not get mad.  It’s not their fault their brains aren’t wired correctly.  This would be a red flag for me., Yeah my step son does the same, he absolutely airbrushes me out of the universe.

This is added to by the interfering abusive ex-husband actively undermining co-parenting.

Sadly I find that whenever I try to seek help or advice I just get smashed over the head with the ""that's the condition, you just have deal with it"" martyrs who seem to miss that I'm a human with my own emotions and life, needing assistance to remain in their life to support them. But no you're right I'm bad and horrid for being hurt.

And no ""well maybe you just just leave if you can't cope"" isn't helpful either as that will not help the child or mum due being left with even less support / abandoned / alone to face it all... Never mind that I actively want to be there to help my step son and spend my life with my fiancée (the mum)

TLDR: good luck getting help with this, but I fear you'll just get told repeatedly to suck it up and it's the step-dads issue., I have tried explaining this to him, but I think because she listens to me, he feels it's directed at him. Perhaps I'll suggest physical touch for her to register him., I think on the most recent occasion she was hyper focused on a bedtime snack, she ignored me as well and went straight to getting the snack she wanted., That must be pretty tough. I see how it upsets my husband when she just blanks out on him. They have such a fun relationship, but I think that makes it hurt a little more, and sure, as they grown ups were supposed to be able to suck it up, but it isn't always that easy. Something I've found that seems to work is a very basic sign language, I tell her to listen (point to my ear) and tell her to watch eyes and mouths (point to each) to see if someone is speaking to her. There are still blanks, but I can see her trying to remember to watch out for these. 
I'm so sorry that you're being airbrushed, it's hard when they can't help it and you can't help how you feel about it., It may also help to stop using the terms listen/ignore because that sounds intentional. Instead use zoned out and maybe help her register or get her attention. “When she is zoned out, you can gently tap her hand to help her register you”., Sadly it is an active choice on his part, and a reaction to e.g. me making perfectly reasonable requests (that he is capable of) such as putting clothes into the wash basket.

It is his technique of controlling his world and avoiding tasks he dislikes (NB I am drawing a distinction here between dislikes and are not-compatible). However unlike NT behaviours it is almost impossible to negotiate with 🤷🏻‍♂️, My 6-year-old 'ignores' or stares blankly with people he feels uncomfortable with, new people, or sometimes 'ignoring' is his way to communicate he doesn't want to talk about it, or doesn't know the answer. I don't know about your daughter, but making a big deal about it would just make him more uncomfortable and reinforce the reaction. 

Honestly, I see the problem being that it upsets step-dad. He is getting his feelings hurt by normal behavior by an autistic 6-year-old. He needs to reframe it in his mind, that she isn't choosing him to be mean to or to ignore him. For whatever reason, there is a glitch in their communication. As you said, she is 'usually' better with you, meaning that it still happens with other people, it isn't just him. She isn't singling him out. 

When it happens with my son, if it isn't important, I move on. If I need to get his attention, I will sing the question- music has always captured his attention more than words. If that doesn't work, I will go to him and get his attention physically, either placing my hand on his arm or whatever is comfortable for him. I assume his brain filters information and stimulation differently and sometimes my voice isn't making it to his attention center. It isn't a personal attack, it's just processing differences., Is she ignoring, or is she hyper focused on something else and/or having delays processing?, Honestly if it was me I'd tell him he is just going to have to be patient and keep making an effort.
Carry on trying to talk, asking your daughter if she wants to go to the park with him or play a game.
He needs to get Interested  in what she likes and play along side or watch along side her.
Take the pressure off and let their bond happen naturally, How long has step dad been in her life and is this his only child? Does he know anything about kids or autism?, I’m confused.  Is she “zoned out” or is she ignoring him?  Because those are two very different things.   Sometimes I find my son hears, but his brain does not process the sounds, so he is not listening.  You can be frustrated, but you need to try to not get mad.  It’s not their fault their brains aren’t wired correctly.  This would be a red flag for me., Yeah my step son does the same, he absolutely airbrushes me out of the universe.

This is added to by the interfering abusive ex-husband actively undermining co-parenting.

Sadly I find that whenever I try to seek help or advice I just get smashed over the head with the ""that's the condition, you just have deal with it"" martyrs who seem to miss that I'm a human with my own emotions and life, needing assistance to remain in their life to support them. But no you're right I'm bad and horrid for being hurt.

And no ""well maybe you just just leave if you can't cope"" isn't helpful either as that will not help the child or mum due being left with even less support / abandoned / alone to face it all... Never mind that I actively want to be there to help my step son and spend my life with my fiancée (the mum)

TLDR: good luck getting help with this, but I fear you'll just get told repeatedly to suck it up and it's the step-dads issue., I have tried explaining this to him, but I think because she listens to me, he feels it's directed at him. Perhaps I'll suggest physical touch for her to register him., I think on the most recent occasion she was hyper focused on a bedtime snack, she ignored me as well and went straight to getting the snack she wanted., That must be pretty tough. I see how it upsets my husband when she just blanks out on him. They have such a fun relationship, but I think that makes it hurt a little more, and sure, as they grown ups were supposed to be able to suck it up, but it isn't always that easy. Something I've found that seems to work is a very basic sign language, I tell her to listen (point to my ear) and tell her to watch eyes and mouths (point to each) to see if someone is speaking to her. There are still blanks, but I can see her trying to remember to watch out for these. 
I'm so sorry that you're being airbrushed, it's hard when they can't help it and you can't help how you feel about it., It may also help to stop using the terms listen/ignore because that sounds intentional. Instead use zoned out and maybe help her register or get her attention. “When she is zoned out, you can gently tap her hand to help her register you”., Sadly it is an active choice on his part, and a reaction to e.g. me making perfectly reasonable requests (that he is capable of) such as putting clothes into the wash basket.

It is his technique of controlling his world and avoiding tasks he dislikes (NB I am drawing a distinction here between dislikes and are not-compatible). However unlike NT behaviours it is almost impossible to negotiate with 🤷🏻‍♂️, My 6-year-old 'ignores' or stares blankly with people he feels uncomfortable with, new people, or sometimes 'ignoring' is his way to communicate he doesn't want to talk about it, or doesn't know the answer. I don't know about your daughter, but making a big deal about it would just make him more uncomfortable and reinforce the reaction. 

Honestly, I see the problem being that it upsets step-dad. He is getting his feelings hurt by normal behavior by an autistic 6-year-old. He needs to reframe it in his mind, that she isn't choosing him to be mean to or to ignore him. For whatever reason, there is a glitch in their communication. As you said, she is 'usually' better with you, meaning that it still happens with other people, it isn't just him. She isn't singling him out. 

When it happens with my son, if it isn't important, I move on. If I need to get his attention, I will sing the question- music has always captured his attention more than words. If that doesn't work, I will go to him and get his attention physically, either placing my hand on his arm or whatever is comfortable for him. I assume his brain filters information and stimulation differently and sometimes my voice isn't making it to his attention center. It isn't a personal attack, it's just processing differences., Is she ignoring, or is she hyper focused on something else and/or having delays processing?, Honestly if it was me I'd tell him he is just going to have to be patient and keep making an effort.
Carry on trying to talk, asking your daughter if she wants to go to the park with him or play a game.
He needs to get Interested  in what she likes and play along side or watch along side her.
Take the pressure off and let their bond happen naturally, How long has step dad been in her life and is this his only child? Does he know anything about kids or autism?, I’m confused.  Is she “zoned out” or is she ignoring him?  Because those are two very different things.   Sometimes I find my son hears, but his brain does not process the sounds, so he is not listening.  You can be frustrated, but you need to try to not get mad.  It’s not their fault their brains aren’t wired correctly.  This would be a red flag for me., Yeah my step son does the same, he absolutely airbrushes me out of the universe.

This is added to by the interfering abusive ex-husband actively undermining co-parenting.

Sadly I find that whenever I try to seek help or advice I just get smashed over the head with the ""that's the condition, you just have deal with it"" martyrs who seem to miss that I'm a human with my own emotions and life, needing assistance to remain in their life to support them. But no you're right I'm bad and horrid for being hurt.

And no ""well maybe you just just leave if you can't cope"" isn't helpful either as that will not help the child or mum due being left with even less support / abandoned / alone to face it all... Never mind that I actively want to be there to help my step son and spend my life with my fiancée (the mum)

TLDR: good luck getting help with this, but I fear you'll just get told repeatedly to suck it up and it's the step-dads issue., I have tried explaining this to him, but I think because she listens to me, he feels it's directed at him. Perhaps I'll suggest physical touch for her to register him., I think on the most recent occasion she was hyper focused on a bedtime snack, she ignored me as well and went straight to getting the snack she wanted., That must be pretty tough. I see how it upsets my husband when she just blanks out on him. They have such a fun relationship, but I think that makes it hurt a little more, and sure, as they grown ups were supposed to be able to suck it up, but it isn't always that easy. Something I've found that seems to work is a very basic sign language, I tell her to listen (point to my ear) and tell her to watch eyes and mouths (point to each) to see if someone is speaking to her. There are still blanks, but I can see her trying to remember to watch out for these. 
I'm so sorry that you're being airbrushed, it's hard when they can't help it and you can't help how you feel about it., It may also help to stop using the terms listen/ignore because that sounds intentional. Instead use zoned out and maybe help her register or get her attention. “When she is zoned out, you can gently tap her hand to help her register you”., Sadly it is an active choice on his part, and a reaction to e.g. me making perfectly reasonable requests (that he is capable of) such as putting clothes into the wash basket.

It is his technique of controlling his world and avoiding tasks he dislikes (NB I am drawing a distinction here between dislikes and are not-compatible). However unlike NT behaviours it is almost impossible to negotiate with 🤷🏻‍♂️, My 6-year-old 'ignores' or stares blankly with people he feels uncomfortable with, new people, or sometimes 'ignoring' is his way to communicate he doesn't want to talk about it, or doesn't know the answer. I don't know about your daughter, but making a big deal about it would just make him more uncomfortable and reinforce the reaction. 

Honestly, I see the problem being that it upsets step-dad. He is getting his feelings hurt by normal behavior by an autistic 6-year-old. He needs to reframe it in his mind, that she isn't choosing him to be mean to or to ignore him. For whatever reason, there is a glitch in their communication. As you said, she is 'usually' better with you, meaning that it still happens with other people, it isn't just him. She isn't singling him out. 

When it happens with my son, if it isn't important, I move on. If I need to get his attention, I will sing the question- music has always captured his attention more than words. If that doesn't work, I will go to him and get his attention physically, either placing my hand on his arm or whatever is comfortable for him. I assume his brain filters information and stimulation differently and sometimes my voice isn't making it to his attention center. It isn't a personal attack, it's just processing differences., Is she ignoring, or is she hyper focused on something else and/or having delays processing?, Honestly if it was me I'd tell him he is just going to have to be patient and keep making an effort.
Carry on trying to talk, asking your daughter if she wants to go to the park with him or play a game.
He needs to get Interested  in what she likes and play along side or watch along side her.
Take the pressure off and let their bond happen naturally, How long has step dad been in her life and is this his only child? Does he know anything about kids or autism?, I’m confused.  Is she “zoned out” or is she ignoring him?  Because those are two very different things.   Sometimes I find my son hears, but his brain does not process the sounds, so he is not listening.  You can be frustrated, but you need to try to not get mad.  It’s not their fault their brains aren’t wired correctly.  This would be a red flag for me., Yeah my step son does the same, he absolutely airbrushes me out of the universe.

This is added to by the interfering abusive ex-husband actively undermining co-parenting.

Sadly I find that whenever I try to seek help or advice I just get smashed over the head with the ""that's the condition, you just have deal with it"" martyrs who seem to miss that I'm a human with my own emotions and life, needing assistance to remain in their life to support them. But no you're right I'm bad and horrid for being hurt.

And no ""well maybe you just just leave if you can't cope"" isn't helpful either as that will not help the child or mum due being left with even less support / abandoned / alone to face it all... Never mind that I actively want to be there to help my step son and spend my life with my fiancée (the mum)

TLDR: good luck getting help with this, but I fear you'll just get told repeatedly to suck it up and it's the step-dads issue., I have tried explaining this to him, but I think because she listens to me, he feels it's directed at him. Perhaps I'll suggest physical touch for her to register him., I think on the most recent occasion she was hyper focused on a bedtime snack, she ignored me as well and went straight to getting the snack she wanted., That must be pretty tough. I see how it upsets my husband when she just blanks out on him. They have such a fun relationship, but I think that makes it hurt a little more, and sure, as they grown ups were supposed to be able to suck it up, but it isn't always that easy. Something I've found that seems to work is a very basic sign language, I tell her to listen (point to my ear) and tell her to watch eyes and mouths (point to each) to see if someone is speaking to her. There are still blanks, but I can see her trying to remember to watch out for these. 
I'm so sorry that you're being airbrushed, it's hard when they can't help it and you can't help how you feel about it., It may also help to stop using the terms listen/ignore because that sounds intentional. Instead use zoned out and maybe help her register or get her attention. “When she is zoned out, you can gently tap her hand to help her register you”., Sadly it is an active choice on his part, and a reaction to e.g. me making perfectly reasonable requests (that he is capable of) such as putting clothes into the wash basket.

It is his technique of controlling his world and avoiding tasks he dislikes (NB I am drawing a distinction here between dislikes and are not-compatible). However unlike NT behaviours it is almost impossible to negotiate with 🤷🏻‍♂️",Support,Parenting Advice
"Tl;Dr 
6 yo is exhibiting behaviors that are beyond anything I've ever seen or heard about and I am at a loss as to what to do.

Edit: can we not recommend physical abuse towards my child? It solves nothing.
Also, can we not compare my child to a fictitious character from a book who put his guinea pig in the garbage disposal and murdered several teenagers with arrows? 
_______
Idk what else to do.
He was diagnosed as autistic, but I know, and he knows that he's not stupid. He is very very intelligent and cunning. He owns this house and everything in it.
If he wants to watch TV and eat cupcakes and candy all day, it works because he will just follow us around and scream. bloody. hell. Until our head are pounding. He fake cries very very often and looks at us while he does it.
If we try and talk calmly, he just YELLS OVER OUR VOICES or covers his ears to stop listening.
Doesn't want to sit in time out? That's fine. No matter how many times we put him back in his chair, he just screams at the top of his lungs in our apartment complex ""PLEASE SOMEBODY HELP ME! PLEASE!"" As if he is being abused or harmed in any way.

He will be fine one second and then without even looking up from what he's doing says ""I'm thirsty."" And if we take longer than 2 seconds to respond he says ""I SAID... I. AM. THIRSTY!"". same with hunger despite eating normally.

If he doesn't get food IMMEDIATELY he will begin crying very very loudly and again, pleading almost as if to call out to the neighbors ""PLEASE SOMEBODY! IM SO HUNGRY... PLEASE! ANYTHING! PLEASE JUST GIVE ME A LITTLE BIT OF FOOD!""

it's embarrassing. I'm overwhelmed.

Tonight he insisted someone go walk 10 ft down the hall to watch him use the bathroom.
We refused because he's been completely reliant for everything and we've just gotten to the point where he will sleep with his lights off. In his spite he peed his pants all over the living room carpet.
He was told to undress and clean up and refused and then began defecating on the living room floor.

I don't understand.
We don't hurt him, we don't starve him, we have cared for his needs, but now it's like... we are to the point where I'm waiting for the day we have to chew his food for him and feed it to him like a baby bird because he insists.

If his mom leaves for some her-time, he will scream that he didn't give her permission to leave and then scream that she promised to never leave him. What she told him was, is that she will never leave him alone in the world, as an act of sentimentality, which I told her he took literally and now he just won't let it go.

I'm sorry if this seems like a lot. I'm crying typing this because I just don't understand where things went so wrong. I always look inward and blame us for what's happening and I just can't figure out what it is. I'm embarrassed to even be typing this out as it's such a harsh indication of our failures but I'm truly at a loss for what steps we should be taking.

And there no letting up. He will literally scream all night. Nothing works. He either gets what he wants or he punishes us. Seriously. Imagine a kid screaming themselves purple in the face, relentlessly following you around until you comply for several hours. Shut the door, he just screams and bangs on the door. Put on headphones, he'll start calling for help like we are hurting him.
Go to the bathroom for longer than he allows, and he's banging on the door to make us leave it open so he can monitor us.
Sleep? No, he will come in turn on the lights and walk out.

What do we do?","I’ve been monitoring this thread and it’s getting out of control with the parent shaming, medical advice, suggesting that a child is a sociopath, and suggestions of abuse. 

OP I hope you got some helpful answers here., Mental health crisis team. Idk where you are but hopefully your county has one. Then a therapist that has training in special needs and play therapy, ABA therapy (look for one that allows to you observe some sessions), and a special needs parents support group., I'm going to go against the other comments and suggest that this is extreme PDA Autism. It sounds like he is extremely anxious and trying to control his environment to handle his anxiety., Yowsers this sounds so tough. Honestly having never been in this position you are free to take this advice with a grain of salt but it sounds like he is ruling the house and his screaming, yelling etc is getting him the desired results. Get some noise cancelling headphones and don't give in! At the first teeny tiny opportunity that he is displaying the behaviour you want him to be (waiting patiently, quietly, not screaming! Etc) give him what he desires straight away and keep at it. Do not give him anything when he is screaming at you like this. If it goes on for hours it goes on for hours it's going to be tough yes but it's never going to get easier by giving in to this behaviour. If he is a smart cookie he will figure this all out pretty quick., Agree with those suggesting PDA or ODD. Therapy alone will not make this better. A psychiatrist should be involved in your care., Whoa. 

So what I’m seeing here is a kid that has learned that you guys will jump when he says jump and if you don’t, he will do what he has to to make sure you do indeed jump.. rinse and repeat. The other part is anxiety..

My oldest was a level of this from about 3-9. It was intense and I’m grateful we didn’t live in an apartment with the level of wall banging, screaming for hours, (sometimes both of us) and the door slamming he was jknown for we ended up taking doors off hinges.. multiple times. You do what you have to to keep the peace and keep them from spiraling out of control sooooo much that by the time you realize you really fucked up, it’s too late. You’ve enabled the behavior for so long you feel like there’s no way out of not doing that.. because of the living conditions, you feel like he can’t scream for long. He can’t be this upset for long periods of time.. someone will call the police. Someone will call the apartment manager.. 

But he can. And before this is over, he will. 

First and foremost? Evaluation for anxiety if you haven’t done it already. He’s going to need therapy and yes, medication. Don’t be scared to medicate. If you were dealing with this level of anxiety, wouldn’t you meditate yourself? He NEEDS medication. It will be trial and error for a while to find the right stuff. 

 Mine is 19 now. We’ve had several diagnosis follow since the autism diagnosis.. adhd, depression, and now we’re looking at bipolar disorder. Did it get easier? Sure.. but harder in other ways. That need to control every aspect of everyone around them definitely got easier. I couod evenually sleep without the door locked worried about my kid stabbing me in the face with a kitchen knife.. 

But as puberty entered the chat, things got more difficult socially and hormones played a huge factor in several aspects.. 

But the screaming stopped.  

It won’t be fast or easy, but if things don’t get better, I’d be looking into a hold at a psych unit. We didn’t make it there, but literally only because I figured if we did, he would blame me and things would be so much worse when he got out. I kinda forgot they sort meds and stuff while there. 🤷🏻‍♀️ 

I have multiple kids with autism, anxiety, adhd..  but none have ever been like my oldest. He was/is a different beast entirely. It will get better, but you gotta fight for that light at the end of the tunnel. He’s struggling, and trying to regulate himself, but can’t because he literally has no idea what to do that will help. He needs to be taught. Enabling by giving into the behavior (no judgement because I seriously understand exactly why, I’m a huge enabler to this day- I’m just explaining what’s going on) is like a bandaid.. it works for a moment but it just makes it worse the next time because he knows if he can get you guys to do the jump, he’ll also feel better for the moment.. so you guys just keep doing this either way each other until something changes. You gotta make the moves to change the behaviors. It’s a long uphill battle.. 

But it DOES GET BETTER. Keep fighting., I was basically this kid (not quite to this extent) and this is what helped- Vigorous physical activity every day. First of all it really is great for physical regulation and sleep, and secondly it’s a way to connect with my parents, friends etc. As an ADHD/ PDA kid what I really really wanted was connection- and if I couldn’t get it in a positive way I would immediately act out to get it in a negative way. For me being involved in tons of sports, swimming, climbing etc. was a life saver., This sounds like stress behaviour/dysregulation to me. Like my 5.5yo (probably autistic) acts like this when he is hungry, needs to poop, is ill, is stressed out, is tired etc. Escalating it by trying to enforce a boundary or hierarchy will just make it worse in that moment. Trying to engage with what they are saying as though it has any logic does not work in that moment. Think about how wild animals act when they are threatened - if his nervous system has kicked him into fight or flight, then he is indeed running off ""old software"" - a part of our brain that we share with our animal ancestors. He's not in his prefrontal cortex where we process speech, language, logic. His brain is basically telling him his life might be in danger and he needs to fight for his life - that's why his behaviour is so extreme.

**In the moment**:

You need to establish safety. So meet physical needs, however they are expressed (hunger - not candy - thirst, discomfort) and then focus on safety. If he is telling you that he can't be alone, then don't force him to be alone just now. Tag team in and out if you need to because this is draining AF.

Start reducing stimulus in the environment. Turn lights off/down. Remove sources of noise (turn things off/down, including stuff like fans and electrical items which make a whine if you can, offer him headphones, which he might not take.) Consider taking him to a smaller, more enclosed space, if he would find this comforting. If this would scare him more, then don't.

Use your own nervous system to signal safety. Which means - trying as much as you can to remain calm (I know that is really hard - visualising him as a scared wild animal can help here). Move slowly. Crouch to his level. Make your voice soft and slow and low. Don't argue, convince, or admonish. Say soothing/validating things e.g. about his emotions (don't promise him stuff like TV/candy/or try to persuade him to calm himself down.) Make your breathing very deep, slow, and obvious, but don't ask him to breathe. If you like, you can narrate what you're doing ""I'm taking deep, slow breaths to keep myself calm."" Or you can repeat things like ""You are safe. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. I'm going to stay with you until you feel safe again.""

Oxytocin helps. So human to human contact (again - know your own kid - if he does not want this, then respect that) like a hug, stroke, pat, squeeze.

Deep pressure can help. He might like to be wrapped in a blanket. Movement like rocking can also help - on your lap, or in a swing etc.

Other sensory inputs can help. You might offer him access to things like squeeze toys, chewy toys, a cool pack, a warmed heat pack, visual toys like those sparkle bottles, noisy toys he can press a button to make the same sound over and over again. Some children also like to spin or go upside down (though some will find this makes things worse).

Once he's calm he will probably be exhausted. So keep things calm and low and don't expect too much from him. But he might be more able to talk at this point.

**In general**:

It is probably worth trying to reduce stress/demands in the environment in general. A great resource for this is Stuart Shanker's Self-Reg and I have also heard great things about The Out of Sync Child.

The other one I love is Conscious Discipline by Becky A Bailey. You might also find The Explosive Child helpful. It's likely a good idea to take ideas like time out out of your repertoire entirely. Instead of reacting to behaviour you don't like, look to the root cause of the behaviour.

You should look into the PDA profile of autism., Long post...but I have been through this. 

I do believe ABA will be able to help you.  I know that you know that your child should not be running the show and it absolutely does sound like that is what is happening. Autism or not, children need boundaries to fulfill their need to feel safe in their environments. I know it sounds crazy, but when young children push a boundary they are testing their caregivers to see if they are in control. The funny thing about tantrums is that we actually teach our kids to have them, inadvertently. I am not talking about meltdowns, which are different. All kids will tantrum, and if we give in, they know to just keep screaming because they will break you. If you have tried to outlast the tantrum but gave up after 10 minutes...your child will understand that if they just keep acting outrageous for at least 10 minutes and you will absolutely give in. This is not the power you want to give to a little kid. 

Having said that I also had a little tyrant running my house years ago. My firstborn. I had no idea what I was doing and had never experienced healthy discipline before (I got beat...I was NOT about to do that to my kids) so I didn't understand what a boundary was let alone how to set one. I absolutely did not understand that my failed attempts to outlast her would only LENGTHEN the hellish screaming. My neighbors DID call the cops a few time (they were very kind and understanding). What helped me was getting a job as a paraprofessional in an early intervention classroom. The teacher was AMAZING and she taught me so much about behavior and discipline and I had real time practice with my students in the classroom. It totally transformed my parenting completely. Then our district had us all trained in ABA and that was just the icing on the cake. 

All this to say that you absolutely can turn this around. You just need some support from professionals who specialize in behavior modification. Also....warn your neighbors! Tell them if they are worried they can come over and make sure things are ok. That is what I wound up doing., I would involve a psychiatrist immediately and demand a medication. This isn’t a typical presentation of autism, something else is going on that is beyond therapies. I’m sorry., Stop being push overs. 

I’m probably going to be down voted to heck for this, but it’s true. Look yourself in the mirror and you will concur. If your child is as smart/cunning as you say he is (and I believe you do. YOU know your child best) he will pick up on the sudden dichotomy shift when you stand up for yourselves., Could a temporary stay at the pediatric ward of a psych hospital help break the cycle, properly diagnose him, and give them a chance to test out and dial in some heavy duty medication? This is beyond what most parents are equipped to handle. I'm not sure what your insurance is like and if that would be covered. I recommend getting videos of the most offensive behavior so when you speak to a psychiatrist they know you're not exaggerating.

Maybe the facility could get a behavioral system that finally works (akin to counting to three with consistent rewards/consquences and things along those lines) and then you maintain it consistently once he returns home? Basically, something that would stop the pattern and then do everything in your power not to give in when he returns home. Heck, I might even move apartments while he's gone if i thought it would reduce the chance of him from spontaneously reverting to his old ways (triggered by environment). Then tell him, ""sorry, this is the new house with the new rules"" and stick to whatever the new rules are (the shorter and simpler the better, of course).  I'm sure folks here would say that changing homes would make him anxious or something, but I am of the mindset that shitting on the floor is cause for drastic measures.

If not residential treatment now,  maybe he could start at a special ed school soon if you have access to one?  You do NOT want to be dealing with this level of intensity as he gets stronger in the teen years. :(  I commend you for taking it seriously now.

Do you have access to respite care for you, your wife, and your toddler? And I'm sorry to mention it, but this sounds like it has to be affecting your 3 year old significantly. The last thing you want is the younger one starting to copy all of these behaviors.

My apologies if the above suggestion sound harsh, but like you, in the 80's my dad would have just gagged us with a handkerchief everytime we screamed or maybe dumped a cold bucket of water on us, neurotypical or not. I mean, aside from (or maybe in addition to?) the beatings...it sounds like you know what I mean.  He called that sort of thing ""an attention getter"" or a ""memory aid""....as in, I bet you'll remember not to do that next time. It's a different day and age so medication and behavioral modification (with the help of professionals) are more appropriate, far less abusive tools.

Honestly, I don't know how you've made it this long without help., I'd look into wraparound services in your area. He's 6, so that's school age. Does he act like this at school??, My first thought was that it could be ODD, which tends to occur with autism. Whatever it is, you guys definitely need a professional to step in., That boy needs boundaries. 

Being autistic doesn't mean you're allowed to bully your family. 

You should not blame yourself, that just makes you feel guilty and you'll give in to his demands. 

You tried your best and your methods aren't working so well, so it's time to change tactics and set boundaries. 

He's clever. It won't take him too long to realise that his strategy isn't working anymore. 

He'll learn to use more appropriate strategies to let you guys know his needs and wishes. 

You just won't be able to do that all by yourself, you need professional help. 

Best of luck and please never feel guilty. It's not your fault and you are doing your best., This may be totally off base, but sometimes kids will act out with the people they feel safest with or trust the most when something else in their life is very wrong. A medical issue, a major change that feels out of control, high stress or overwhelming demands at school/ therapy, or mistreatment/abuse/bullying from a peer or other adult in their life. Those types of issues can be hard to articulate even for people with great language skills, and can cause big feelings that are confusing and hard to process. There might be nothing, but it can't hurt to take stock and rule things out.

This all sounds incredibly difficult and overwhelming.  I'm sorry your family is going through this., I'm sorry you're having such a challenging time. I'm replying to say thank you for sharing your experience and I'm finding the responses to your post helpful too (especially for PDA). My daughter (7) has many overlapping behaviours, including the severe need to control and separation anxiety. Screaming continuously until we go to her, even to the point of vomiting. She's trashed the house and yard countless times.
We've worked closely with an occupational therapist to help manage her sensory overwhelm; had her tonsils and adenoids removed to improve her sleep; moved schools to one where they take neurodivergent wellbeing seriously; we even use regular worming treatments (seems to improve her anger, so she must suffer a lot and not be able to verbalise); and as parents we've had to dig deep to learn how to calm down so she can coregulate without us using words.
I hope you have some breakthroughs and keep reaching out for support., Another vote for PDA here. And it’s exhausting. You have to completely relearn a new way of talking to individuals with PDA, low demand parenting (which is extremely hard if you have more than one child and they aren’t neurodivergent) is the way to go to avoid meltdowns. But it’s hard. You’re not alone., You’ll find so many similar experiences - and worse - in the PDA groups. One other thought - especially if you notice any link to being sick and behavior getting worse - or taking anti-biotics and behavior getting better - is to look at autoimmune encephalitis/PANS/PANDAS. Basically psychiatric symptoms caused by infections/immune system reactions, often chronic. This is definitely another rabbit hole to go down. Classic case is sudden onset, but there can be more chronic presentations too. Kid might still be PDA, and you need a low demand approach, but you have underlying, treatable medical issues exacerbating., Sounds like his behavior is so reinforced that he knows you don't stand a chance. There's no way for you guys to make any progress since you're in an apartment and the screaming will mostly likely get you kicked out. I'm sorry. I have some suggestions but not sure if you've already tried them., [removed], It doesn't seem like these behavior issues are autism related.  These just sound like behavior issues even a non-autistic kid would demonstrate. In fact, it feels more non-autistic. My son has these episodes where he really misbehaves and in those moments I treat him like a normal child without any special privileges. I treat him like my daughter who does not have autism. And by that I mean that I give him time out, stop listening to him and paying attention and don't pamper him. 

It's worked for us so far., My child had similar behaviors it’s very difficult to deal with.  Adding medication along with everything else we were doing (therapy, fidgets, weighted blanket,etc) finally made a difference.  Before it could go on for hours and she would hurt herself and my wife, now the meltdowns will maybe last 10-15 minutes and not be half as intense., I recommend checking out the strategies from Dr Casey Ehrlich, she describes scenarios like this a lot, and her very informative instagram page is: atpeaceparents, PDA, Does he have outside services such as ABA? If not it sounds like it may be needed. Are these new behaviors or has this developed over time? I would definitely suggest outside help and like others have mentioned ignoring negative cries for attention. No matter how embarrassing it may be. I don’t know how close your neighbors are but really if your child is autistic and yelling for attention I wouldn’t care or worry who hears as long as he is safe and his needs are met, let him yell. Hard as that may be. He will tire himself out and eventually realize he is not getting what he wants by exhibiting said behaviors. You said he is 6, I would assume he is in school? Does he display these behaviors in school? Does he have an IEP? If so to either of these questions I would see how the school handles these outbursts and ask for any recommendations? I definitely would not give attention to any negative behaviors, which might be hard to relearn if in the past he is used to instant gratification from throwing tantrums, it will take time to unlearn these behaviors. Reinforcing your role as the parent when he is exhibiting bad behaviors as in, I know you are thirsty or hungry, but we do not get what we want by screaming, when you calm down I will help you with whatever you may need. Ignoring other behaviors you mentioned, it may seem hard and he may throw a tantrum and scream. Let him. When you give in to those behaviors he knows he can continue to do so and get attention. It may be a hard cycle to break, but since he is verbal and able to communicate his needs it seems reasonable to assume he will understand if you tell him what will not be tolerated. If he won’t sit in time out I would tell him this is not acceptable, we can help you when you calm down. Making him sit down next to you on the couch perhaps, maybe putting a program on tv he likes, reading a book with him he likes, etc and loving on him until he relaxes enough to listen or gets his tantrum out his system in a safe space next to you may work better than just a time out chair by himself. Let him yell or cry it out. Comfort him while he is upset but absolutely do not give in to demands while he is in that space. I feel for you, it may be hard but it can get better! It may take some time to unlearn the behaviors but you have to stick to your guns and not let your 6 yr old run your household., My son is autistic and non-verbal and he is a habitual line stepper with everyone he tries. If he gets even on second of seeing someone will give into him he doesn’t leave it alone. We have to be very strict with certain things to keep it from escalating. I also recommend ABA before you medicate. ABA is super easy in the beginning because they want to get a good relationship with him so that he is happy when they come, but it will slowly turn to work for him. I would definitely try that., It’s concerning how it sounds like he’s trying to control everything around him 24/7, you both included.

There seems to be an element of manipulation to the screaming like you’re hurting him anytime he’s slightly hungry, &/or he can’t regulate his feelings at all. 

That could be something other than autism, or just normal kid behaviour getting the best of you both because you’re too tired to uphold strict boundaries.

Have there been any big changes at home or in his life? He sounds extremely clingy, maybe he just doesn’t know how to process something or get the support he needs in general? 

I also constantly hear awful things about how terrible kids tv can be for developing brains. It can absolutely cause or exacerbate behavioural problems, & create distance between parent/child if it’s getting in the way of one on one play &/or you’re being punished for not allowing them to watch it whenever it’s off. It is frankly an addiction when kids feel they NEED to watch tv & act out when you don’t give in. 

This is no life for him either, he needs help desperately. This is not something that is going to change over night, & I’m sorry that you’re going through it., I’m going with a different response. Your kid knows he can manipulate you by using these tactics, so I’d reverse roles a bit. If they are fake crying, fake cry back cause his sadness is making you sad. He’s yelling, yell back you can’t get what he wants cause he’s yelling at you. Be ridiculously exaggerated with it, but he doesn’t get what he wants with that behavior happening. Afterward, when he’s calm, talk about how that behavior is not going to get him what he wants, that people would rather avoid him than be helpful. Then show him more constructive ways of getting what he wants., We have a similar issue with our son (5-1/2 now). Ours has been tough since day 1, the nature of the problems evolved and changed, he was so delayed that we ended up being way to permissive because we felt we needed to encourage typical milestones when they seemed in reach. 

We'd get so much impractical advice from parents of typical kids too, it was as exhausting and depressing as the issues themselves.

We did end up having to move because we were in an apartment too and there was no way it would work. He would slam his feet, smash anything he got his hands on, slam his body again the doors/walls... we'd have to hold him at times to stop him from hurting himself. We got complaints from neighbors, some moved on their own, and our landlord couldn't easily demand we move so they just presented a renewal that was so expensive we had no choice but to go. We are fortunate I make enough that we were able to buy a single family.

That said, yours sounds similar to ours and I'd describe it as ""spoiled"" -- that's not a dig on you, you sound engaged, but beaten down, and you're dealing with a kid who is not typical -- 

My feeling from observing our kid vs others is that just like some fruit and bread ""spoils"" easily so do some kids, especially the ones like ours. They are just wired to recognize how to manipulate and use it for their own gain.

Our son learned similar things to yours -- fake crying while looking right at us, shouting for help, acting disrespectfully to us while asking for things or while we are helping. He's compliant for others outside the home, but alone with us it can be a nightmare.

The fake crying and hysterics -- we sit in the room with him and we do nothing else (no phone, no reading) and just wait it out... we don't raise our voice, we say ""when you're done acting like a baby, and are ready to act like a little boy again, we can do something else"". Since he wants to direct it at us it means we can move him where we want by moving ourselves there without saying anything (he'll follow us), we never demand he go somewhere because it empowers him to say no and resist, so instead we just move there and his desire to direct his feelings at us compels him to follow.

The shouting for help -- We've explained to ours what will happen if he keeps shouting for help, eventually the police *will* come, and they may take him away for a while to figure out why he yelled for help. He will probably have to stay somewhere else for a few days without us. He did it a few more times and we'd say ""We've told you what happens if you keep going, but you aren't stopping, so if they come take you there isn't anything we can do, *it's your choice*."" Then we treat similarly to the fake crying where we wait it out.

Disrespectfulness -- he'll ask for help, sometimes he'll make a mess in the process out of frustration, we'll say OK we're here to help you but we need clean this up first, he'll say no, or say ""but you made me wait to so long so it's your fault"", we stop and he needs to help clean and he needs to ask respectfully before we continue. Again, passively stopping the activity until he corrects.

Anger at not getting what he wants -- TV, games, things that aren't good for him (food or activities)... we just don't let him. Yes, it wrecks our lives to some degree, it triggers the behaviors above, but having seen the alternative it's still better.

Overall the goal is to help him recognize his situation will be worse while the bad behavior continues. We stop when he acts bad. We've also stopped rewarding good behavior, because he's learned (like your kid) that doing the thing we ask was getting a reward and it was too confusing to him to recognize the difference between doing the right thing following an hour of hysterics vs doing the right thing when asked.

From the outside we are now told we're too harsh--including by both our parents who have seen but never really lived the bad behavior-- but these people don't understand, they never have had to deal with it (and we still get it, just to a much lesser degree... we get maybe an half hour of hysterics per day vs multiple times per day before), so to the critics I say I don't care. Our son is loving and we're helping him recognize that the world will not cater to him and his parents won't either.

In another era our son would likely get spanked, slapped, locked in a room, etc... he'd probably learn from that negative reinforcement to avoid behaviors, but it would also become a technique he'd use on others. Now at least all he's learning from us is that when his normalcy stops our normalcy stops. If he wants it back, he needs to give it too. We do remind him, and we do ""olive branch"" by offering a next activity when he seems like he's stuck in a ""loop"" and can't break himself out, but it requires he act quiet/respectful before we start.

**tldr: passive resistance to the bad behaviors (do not introduce new demands), and removing ""rewards"" for good behavior, has worked for us. You act normal and you get normal, you act poorly and you get a shutdown..**, Does he go to school? What kinds of therapy he receives? This is not a typical 6 y old with or without autism. You need to find professionals for help. I don’t believe ABA will work especially with those inexperienced behavioral technicians., I am so sorry :(

It has to be so very hard.

What kind of therapies and services is he signed up for?, How do you discipline him? I would say you need help, is he getting services? Taking any meds?, I would go to the tacanow.org website. Read about it And get him assessed for gut issues. Similar thing happened to my kid. He had parasites. Got rid of a lot of issues, First of all, I know it's hard. We have been through everything you wrote down. It's worse when you're living in an apartment complex... I was scared at times that someone would call the police. 

Our kiddos are very bright. They know what to do to get what they want and what makes us react. We have to outsmart them. It's very hard at first but after some times it becomes less and less difficult.

Kids, ND or NT, want attention, good or bad. And they need boundaries that they know will stay whatever happens. They will test it to the max, but when they know the boundary won't move, they eventually stop. 

My daughter is 11 years old now and it's really better. We had to work hard, to have help from social workers and go to therapy (individually and as a family)., Came here to say, I’m so sorry. My daughter is much like this still at the age of 9. The big thing here is he’s not punishing you, he’s trying to communicate the only way he knows how to show you how he’s feeling or what’s going on inside. He’s not punishing you, it’s not fun for him. I’m no world would anyone want to act or behave in such a way that hurts their selves. He’s letting out what’s going on inside. Keep trying you will have breakthroughs even the smallest ones, they add up and you guys will get thru this., Sounds like he’s having alot of anxiety and the acts of service he’s demanding are reassuring and comforting to him and make him feel secure and loved, You already have so much great info with all the advice/comments here. I’m so sorry you’re going through this tough stage, it sounds exhausting and terrible for your family… 

Have you tried connecting with him? Like fully connecting, where you’re having one on one fun with him and are in a flow state. Even starting small like sitting next to him while he’s playing on his tablet, and just existing parallel to him. Letting him know you want to be in his world.

Kids are so smart and intuitive, they are tuned into our feelings about them. From your post you sound disappointed, overwhelmed, exhausted, discouraged (all valid, because what you’re describing is so intense and shitty (no pun intended)), but he can feel all those negative feelings, and it’s creating a snowball of him continuing to fulfill the way you’re feeling about his behaviors and both your negative feelings and his negative behaviors increasing.

I’m not an educated expert; like others have said, do get the experts involved. But in the meantime (I know appointments and waitlists take time) try to simply connect with him, in a meaningful way.

Edited to add: I am saying this respectfully to you: I think you’re expecting too much from a 6 year old with autism. In your post you said you refused to walk with him 10ft down the hall to chaperone him to the bathroom. He was communicating a need to you, probably anxiety driven (he didn’t want to be alone), maybe he didn’t like the way his internal cues were feeling in his body (Google: interoception autism), and instead of being supportive you’re trying to prove to him that he’s a big boy and can pee alone. Yes, he’s physically capable of peeing alone, but in that moment if he’s wanting you to go with him, you should acquiesce to things like that. Pick your battles. If he’s demanding drinks from you (like your post states), respond with something humorous “welcome to the polite Diner, I’m your server, and I’ll get your drink order when I hear a thank you! Okay, that’ll be $35 for a drink.” Something silly like that.., Please don't listen to the people saying that this is sociopathic or that he is doing something wrong.  Our son is 6 and he struggled with some of what you describe.  We also live with neighbors and I'm grateful that none are below us.  Our son had been self harming for a while and he was nonverbal so we felt hopeless and there are still days where we feel overwhelmed like you.  He's a gestalt learner and his language acquisition helped tremendously but the biggest thing was giving him a safe space to act out, toy dump, throw items, etc. without us reacting.  We then would check in when he calmed...like a bell curve you don't provide anything when they are at the height but then when they settle you swoop in and give cuddles (if they like it). Also the physical exercise aspect.  We bought an indoor gym on Brain Rich Kids website (it was an investment at about $500.00 but it was worth it for both kids) When we stopped giving in to his behaviors while he was heightened it changed the dynamic slowly over time.  He still gets away with more than a typical kiddo but he is showing more flexibility with each day that passes.

I know no two kids with ASD are alike(we have two with very different needs!) but in ABA (which we stopped last year when he was 5) we learned about extinction bursts.  The more you allow it to continue the longer it takes to get rid of.  Give him a safe place to act out his behaviors and talk to your neighbors so they are aware...My husband and I have had that same fear that people will think we are abusing our son and that made it harder to stay calm in the moments and encouraged us to give in.

If you have tried this and it's not working then seeking resources is the next step.  Our son isn't medicated.

TLDR:

1. Provide safe space for calming and call it a ""break"".  Any escalation redirect him to take a break and then come in when he's calm. 
2. Let the neighbors know your challenges so they can be mindful and you can eliminate that fear for you.
3. exercise (swim, you tube videos instructing with fun images, parks)

I hope you find this helpful and you're not alone!, Are there any medications a psychiatrist can recommend here? Is there a special education person you can hire that can maybe instill a little
fear and discipline? Sorry just thinking out loud., Well. As a rule goes dont raise a child you hate. Especially scince 


A if you hate your child you are potentially dooming them. Because if you receed your affection at the smallest point youll neglect them possible life saving help.



B if you dont stop these behaviors now they will only manifest into worse behaviors later



On this note this is why you need to spank your child. To save them from themselves. That way they are not forced to suffer abandonment from every possible person scince they havent had these things instilled in them. Them shitting the carpet to prove a point is just playing with social fire.what about when there older and they try something similar to some one not you Who doesnt care. Like im being agressive here but those spankings are there to save your childs life. And for future refrence your gonna jack your kid up regardless its gonna happen some how. Better it be while trying to save there life. Or in accidental minor things, The thing is, when his therapist makes recommendations for anxiety relief, such as comfort items or like an inflatable canoe to lay in. He doesn't care about those things. He doesn't give them the time of day. Or he tries them once and it like eh I don't like it., I was going to say the same. I suspect my daughter is PDA (no one in our area can confirm that but it fits the bill). She's not quite as extreme as OP's child but probably 70% of the intensity OP described. Problematically, we live in an area short on resources in general, let alone anyone who can give us expert advice on PDA autism. And we are similarly failing on our own., Oh my gosh have we tried.
But then he learns SO fast how to cheat the system and rewards himself.
He bites his tongue figuratively to not have an outburst, and then says ""I didn't scream so I want my tablet"".
Obviously we aren't just rewarding every second he doesn't scream at us, so we will tell him something like he's had enough time with the tablet again and we are back to square one., Question for you: how did your parents get you to do the activities that ultimately helped you? If you remember or have tips I would be so grateful., The fact is he is manipulating you.  No 6 year old normal child is this demanding, and you gotta show him who’s boss before this shit blows up in your face., Whoa.
This is a really major thing to bring up regarding a 6 year old. 
He doesn't hurt anybody, he's not a sociopath.
He is just exhibiting negative behaviors.
It's not as if he's plotting our death. He's generally a very excitable happy child, but he is bossy and himself doesn't understand his motives and behaviors 

That movie/book is about a sociopathic child who grows up with 0 understanding or regard for how he affects others around him and does very dark things to his pet and sibling, and manipulates the father into believing its not happening, before he murders a bunch of people.

Really, this seems like a VERY outrageous thing to say. He's nothing like kevin, Sorry, I disagree. Typical six year olds do not defecate on the living room floor as a power move. There is something else going on here, perhaps attributable to autism, perhaps something else, but if I were OP I’d be looking for as much help as I could get. I didn’t see OP mention their support system. Speech therapist to communicate needs in more acceptable ways. Psychologist or parent-child interaction therapy (PCIT). School. ABA. Developmental pediatrician/psychologist to check for comorbidities—ADHD, OCD, intellectual disability, etc. This kid definitely needs a village., I’m not sure about that . I have the feeling if my son was verbal he would be vocalizing the things OP’s child say, because many behaviors are identical, Fear is the OPPOSITE of what is needed here. This child is terrified., If he is PDA and so disregulated that he isnt using the bathroom, laying in an inflatable canoe isn't going to do anything. Maybe check out the PDA subreddit and see if it clicks. Unfortunately if it is PDA, what you have been doing is the exact opposite of how you are supposed to manage it., Maybe these particular items don’t suit his personal needs? 

My daughter loves beanbags but hates the peapod that she had at school. She loves hammocks, but not swings. She prefers weight over being tucked in. She hates clothing when some kids thrive on being clothed. 

Your son’s preferences are probably unique and may take a few different tools to try and find the correct item that suits. Either way, I’d definitely try to set something up for him so that he can have a dedicated quiet space that is safe for him to be placed in when he is feeling like this. He can burn himself out and settle or nap and be safe in a quiet space (my daughter chose a tent this year, and she has it packed full of her favourite blankets and bunnies and books, and one particular light she enjoys). If she’s in a poor mood - or even screaming down the house - she is settled into her quiet space and is allowed to come out when she feels calm. We don’t keep her in there, but the rule is that she has to be calm. Otherwise, we know in our home, that she’ll wind up back in her quiet space very quickly. There are days where she even wants one of us to stay with her, just outside the tent. 

It’s just an idea, but it could be worth exploring., Individuals with PDA can become severely dehydrated and malnourished by being able to meet their own physical needs due to a perceived demand OR power imblance. I’m not sure but this behaviour is driven by something that should be assessed by the crisis team to rule out other options and link you with appropriate support. You cannot live like this and it’s ok to call someone and say you can’t keep going and you are in crisis. This is not a situation I would allow to keep playing out. Make a call today!, I recommend what others have said: mental health crisis team, asap. 

If you could, I’d attempt to flat out ignore the screaming (as long as he’s not injured or in need of urgent care - like changing his pants and so forth). It’s definitely a power play, and he can’t scream forever. If you teach him you’ll respond every time to his screams and tantrums (and if that’s all they are - you’ll have to check and keep an eye on him) then he’ll learn fairly quickly not to do it any more. My daughter tried to pull much of the same behaviour awhile back, and I recognised it from when *I* used to do the same as a child (of course, I grew up in a household where my ASD wasn’t recognised - so I just got thrown into my room, spanked, and basically threatened with everything that the old school parenting style had back in the 80s - and I don’t recommend any of that). For my daughter, however, it was a short-lived stint (about two weeks) before she realised that her tantrums and bossiness and demanding screams over cookies or sweets were getting ignored. And this was after several hundred attempts to explain and be calm with her over this. We still get the occasional screaming fit - but they are usually now from a place of anger and wanting to control the outcome. She eventually gives up when she realises we will carry on because her screaming like a banshee  for a lollipop is exhausting work when no one will cave. If the noise is too much: ear plugs and sit in the room to monitor his behaviours until he screams himself out. Redirect when able. Underline NO as a word that is final, and be a team - nobody slips. Instill penalties if you must: if you can’t use your inside voice then I will have to take all of the cookies away for an entire week.  Or: I know you’re angry, but I need you to stop screaming by the time I count to five. If you don’t stop screaming by the count of five, then I will have to take away your tablet for the rest of the day. Or: I know you’re angry and frustrated, but you I can’t understand you when you scream like that. If you’re looking for a snack, I can make us some popcorn. Would you like to help? Or: hey dude, would you like to come outside and take a walk with me? I was thinking of heading to the park. (You’ll want to gauge what level of redirection or correction you will need to take). It can take anywhere from 4-6 weeks to correct a behaviour, too, so don’t expect it to stop immediately or after a few days. 

Of course, I wouldn’t attempt **any of this** so without a consult first. I’m sorry you’re going through this, OP. If you’re able, maybe you can redirect his temper with some quiet time or a bath, something else that can occupy him and then, when he is calm, you can then remind him that he’s still the child and needs to try his best to follow the rules., Also wondering this. Sometimes they insist they are too tired to exercise with me, or too tired to play a game or their legs hurt and they don’t want to stand up. However if something doesn’t go their way they have sooo much energy to run laps around me, kick me/objects, flip tables 😬 suspected PDA over here too, Swimming was the first thing I was really in to. My parents got a membership at a swim place and we would go for hours at a time on the weekends. Or we would go to the beach for several hours. When I was six I got in to soccer and my parents signed me up on a rec. team with my bff (this was key). Definitely nothing forced or chore-like., How is that outrageous? The child is defecating on the floor as a power move!!!! Wtf!, I don't think he's anything like Kevin. Now my take on this is not the same situation but similar enough to try to give a tiny bit of advice based on my kids' experiences. My youngest is autistic but he's a happy kid all the time, like literally all the time, but his older brother a few years back got diagnosed with ODD (oppositional defiance disorder) and used to do a lot of the things you are describing to get his way (screaming for long times, following you etc). He'd also lash out and try to hit or scratch you if it was a really bad day. It was a brutal 3 year period for us. We got him into the therapy and frankly took the meltdowns for the next few weeks until he (slower than we would have liked lol) realized that we just weren't going to give into him. If he tried to hit me I'd walk away and keep walking away. Neighbors came over because of the screaming and stuff but I had gotten his doctor to write that we were doing therapy and not actually hurting him. It was alot for a couple of weeks and still had the occasional blow up for the next few months but now 3 years later, he's a brand new kid. Doing great in school life and home life. I know the autism your son has makes his situation a little different but maybe try looking into therapy that they offer for kids with ODD. Hope things get better soon for all of you!

Edit: spelling, phrasing, It sounds like your child doesn’t care if your basic needs for sleeping and using the toilet are met or not…, We he doesn't struggle to communicate his needs. He knows very clearly what he wants and he says it. It's his delivery.
I don't know how or when he picked up this habit of barking orders at us without even looking up from his tablet.
If we don't comply he stops his game or whatever he's doing and looks at us in disbelief that we aren't dropping everything we are doing to appease him. He's appalled that we aren't anticipating his thoughts for a pb&j and already have a fresh one ready.

And he's so rude to everyone.
He interrupts everyone who's talking to us and talks to us louder than they are to dominate the conversation and if we dismiss him, he will say in front of everyone that we aren't acting like ourselves and he doesn't like it and that it's time to go.
And I know what he's doing. He's trying to get us to retreat to a place where he knows nobody can get in his way., I am not an expert but from everything I've read so far, an autistic kid does not have the kind of awareness this kid is demonstrating. Maybe one of the experts here can comment., Seconding PDA. Check out: PDA society UK and US, Declarative language handbook, the family experience of PDA, etc. The key is shifting your impression and approach and you will see changes! A key aspect of PDA is the ability to use social strategies and manipulation to avoid demands. Remember despite the challenges of the behaviors, anxiety is at the root of it. He is not choosing this behavior, he’s likely in a fight or flight response., Not OP, but can you expand on “what you have been doing is the exact opposite of how you are supposed to manage it”?, What is PDA?, Swimming is a good idea. The only activity my son actually likes. He’s 5 tho so more will be revealed. Thanks, Speech therapist helps with delivery—that is communication too, it’s called pragmatics. He sounds insufferable and for your family’s sake you need professional intervention., My daughter sounds a lot like your son. She's about to turn 5. She also scream-talks over everyone and will get violent if her demands aren't met immediately. I am constantly covered in bruises. Everyone in the house, including our 3 year old (god I feel awful for him for this), wears headphones in order to drown out some of her screaming.

I wish I had advice for you. All I can do is echo the people saying to look up the PDA profile. It's not as well understood in the US but it's still worth looking up to see if there's anyone in your area who can offer services for PDA autism. There isn't anyone in my area who knows a damn thing about it and we're struggling with trying to figure it out on our own. But at least knowing what it is gives you a starting point., I honestly don’t even think I should respond because i am not educated in psychology especially children psychology enough to tell you what you should or shouldn’t do but from my own experience working with special needs children and also having a severely autistic 5yo son who can be demanding and likes things his way.. I believe the only thing that keeps him from taking things to this extreme is my clear Non tolerance for the shit. Pry me say that I am in no way judging you. Nor am I saying that taking this stance and implementing it is not the absolute hardest thing I’ve ever had to do… but it’s saved my sanity. My household peace. My son. My relationship with my son.. and even the relationship between his father and I. Yes it’s embarrassing.. yes me being the empathetic soul that I am was put in the position of constant stress thinking about our neighbors and what they thought of us as parents or if they thought we were harming our son… then thinking about my son and his feelings and his level of comprehension due to  the fact that he was non verbal.. I constantly thought that it was a chance I was permanently traumatizing him. Looking back that shit was ridiculous. Simply creating boundaries and not allowing a very smart but also very manipulative child control and essentially emotionally abuse you is not traumatizing the child. If anything it’s teaching them a valuable lesson. The first thing I did was completely stop responding to any request (demands) that were asked in a disrespectful way or any way that crossed a boundary of mine (my boundaries were mainly my feelings being hurt and being disrespected, as well as unappreciated) secondly I had a list of boundaries as well as negative behaviors under each behavior I wrote the redirection I’d apply so that I wasn’t just ignoring my child I was teaching him the correct way to requests his wants and express his needs. Thirdly that yelling and screaming shit.. as hard as it is you can not respond to it by showing how upset it makes you, jumping to resolve the issue to quiet him, none of that. Honestly the more you act like it’s not happening and it actually sounds like a sound machine playing relaxing wave tracks the less satisfaction he’ll get. Once he realized his tactics aren’t working and the only way to get what he’s requesting is to do what was taught to him by redirections he will change his behavior. It may take  few days or it could take months but I promise you if his behaviors aren’t producing the results he’s seeking they will stop.


I apologize for the lack of grammar, ton of typos, and pure chaos that is the structure of this comment 😂 I’m trying to cook dinner and tend to my demanding child. Sending ton of love and perseverance. I also have a ton of resources like books, blogs, community services l, federal services etc so just lmk what you need!, That isn’t autistic behavior. That is just being spoiled, Of course they can have the awareness. It’s a very broad spectrum. My son told his therapist I punch and abuse him and then later said it was just to see my reaction. I don’t lay a finger on him and he’s very much autistic. Autistic children can still push boundaries or do things to try to gain control and create reactions that they want. He’s learned his screaming gets him what he wants so he’s going to continue doing it. 

It’s like Pavlov’s bell, They can, autism is a huge spectrum. Lack of social awareness can show as inappropriate behavior/lack of embarassment as well, like defacating on the floor which would be embarassing to most 6 year olds. ""If I scream, I get what I want"" isn't that difficult to connect either, plenty of my non-verbal autistic students understand that to some degree. 

Pathological demand avoidance often has a different presentation from other autism spectrum disorders - usually more manipulative behavior to get out of demands - so that's something I'd consider. Additional disorders like anxiety disorders and adhd can clash with autism symptoms and make them much harder to handle for children. 

If OP hasn't yet, they should definitely take their son to a psychiatrist. I don't know if you've ever tried screaming for several hours, but it's exhausting. Typically developing children, even if they really want something, rarely make it past an hour - after that, it can cross the line into self-harming behavior. Medication, at least temporarily, can help address his anxiety and get him calm enough for behavioral interventions to work. Otherwise, stand your ground on the specific issue and offer whatever comfort or calming strategies you have available. Weighed blankets or vests often help, lava lamps or similar visuals, it really depends on the child and an occupational therapist can help you make a sensory profile. It's also important to rule out abuse or high stress situations in other parts of his life - of he doesn't act like this when he's out of school, doesn't have a specific therapy or doesn't see a specific person, that would point towards that being the issue., Yep - he doesn't lack interoception which is a core autism trait.

This is above reddit's paygrade. PDA can also coocur with adhd, and adhd and autism can overlap with some symptoms, so arm chair diagnosing isn't the way to go here at all. The kid needs a professional diagnosis and treatment plan., Ignoring demands, putting kids in time outs- basically all traditional forms of discipline will completely backfire with a PDA kid and make it 100 times worse. The more you try to make a child comply the more they ""act out"". It's an endless cycle. Instead, if it is PDA, you have to remove all demands completely., Pathological Demand Avoidance, I’ve been monitoring this thread and it’s getting out of control with the parent shaming, medical advice, suggesting that a child is a sociopath, and suggestions of abuse. 

OP I hope you got some helpful answers here., Mental health crisis team. Idk where you are but hopefully your county has one. Then a therapist that has training in special needs and play therapy, ABA therapy (look for one that allows to you observe some sessions), and a special needs parents support group., I'm going to go against the other comments and suggest that this is extreme PDA Autism. It sounds like he is extremely anxious and trying to control his environment to handle his anxiety., Yowsers this sounds so tough. Honestly having never been in this position you are free to take this advice with a grain of salt but it sounds like he is ruling the house and his screaming, yelling etc is getting him the desired results. Get some noise cancelling headphones and don't give in! At the first teeny tiny opportunity that he is displaying the behaviour you want him to be (waiting patiently, quietly, not screaming! Etc) give him what he desires straight away and keep at it. Do not give him anything when he is screaming at you like this. If it goes on for hours it goes on for hours it's going to be tough yes but it's never going to get easier by giving in to this behaviour. If he is a smart cookie he will figure this all out pretty quick., Agree with those suggesting PDA or ODD. Therapy alone will not make this better. A psychiatrist should be involved in your care., Whoa. 

So what I’m seeing here is a kid that has learned that you guys will jump when he says jump and if you don’t, he will do what he has to to make sure you do indeed jump.. rinse and repeat. The other part is anxiety..

My oldest was a level of this from about 3-9. It was intense and I’m grateful we didn’t live in an apartment with the level of wall banging, screaming for hours, (sometimes both of us) and the door slamming he was jknown for we ended up taking doors off hinges.. multiple times. You do what you have to to keep the peace and keep them from spiraling out of control sooooo much that by the time you realize you really fucked up, it’s too late. You’ve enabled the behavior for so long you feel like there’s no way out of not doing that.. because of the living conditions, you feel like he can’t scream for long. He can’t be this upset for long periods of time.. someone will call the police. Someone will call the apartment manager.. 

But he can. And before this is over, he will. 

First and foremost? Evaluation for anxiety if you haven’t done it already. He’s going to need therapy and yes, medication. Don’t be scared to medicate. If you were dealing with this level of anxiety, wouldn’t you meditate yourself? He NEEDS medication. It will be trial and error for a while to find the right stuff. 

 Mine is 19 now. We’ve had several diagnosis follow since the autism diagnosis.. adhd, depression, and now we’re looking at bipolar disorder. Did it get easier? Sure.. but harder in other ways. That need to control every aspect of everyone around them definitely got easier. I couod evenually sleep without the door locked worried about my kid stabbing me in the face with a kitchen knife.. 

But as puberty entered the chat, things got more difficult socially and hormones played a huge factor in several aspects.. 

But the screaming stopped.  

It won’t be fast or easy, but if things don’t get better, I’d be looking into a hold at a psych unit. We didn’t make it there, but literally only because I figured if we did, he would blame me and things would be so much worse when he got out. I kinda forgot they sort meds and stuff while there. 🤷🏻‍♀️ 

I have multiple kids with autism, anxiety, adhd..  but none have ever been like my oldest. He was/is a different beast entirely. It will get better, but you gotta fight for that light at the end of the tunnel. He’s struggling, and trying to regulate himself, but can’t because he literally has no idea what to do that will help. He needs to be taught. Enabling by giving into the behavior (no judgement because I seriously understand exactly why, I’m a huge enabler to this day- I’m just explaining what’s going on) is like a bandaid.. it works for a moment but it just makes it worse the next time because he knows if he can get you guys to do the jump, he’ll also feel better for the moment.. so you guys just keep doing this either way each other until something changes. You gotta make the moves to change the behaviors. It’s a long uphill battle.. 

But it DOES GET BETTER. Keep fighting., I was basically this kid (not quite to this extent) and this is what helped- Vigorous physical activity every day. First of all it really is great for physical regulation and sleep, and secondly it’s a way to connect with my parents, friends etc. As an ADHD/ PDA kid what I really really wanted was connection- and if I couldn’t get it in a positive way I would immediately act out to get it in a negative way. For me being involved in tons of sports, swimming, climbing etc. was a life saver., This sounds like stress behaviour/dysregulation to me. Like my 5.5yo (probably autistic) acts like this when he is hungry, needs to poop, is ill, is stressed out, is tired etc. Escalating it by trying to enforce a boundary or hierarchy will just make it worse in that moment. Trying to engage with what they are saying as though it has any logic does not work in that moment. Think about how wild animals act when they are threatened - if his nervous system has kicked him into fight or flight, then he is indeed running off ""old software"" - a part of our brain that we share with our animal ancestors. He's not in his prefrontal cortex where we process speech, language, logic. His brain is basically telling him his life might be in danger and he needs to fight for his life - that's why his behaviour is so extreme.

**In the moment**:

You need to establish safety. So meet physical needs, however they are expressed (hunger - not candy - thirst, discomfort) and then focus on safety. If he is telling you that he can't be alone, then don't force him to be alone just now. Tag team in and out if you need to because this is draining AF.

Start reducing stimulus in the environment. Turn lights off/down. Remove sources of noise (turn things off/down, including stuff like fans and electrical items which make a whine if you can, offer him headphones, which he might not take.) Consider taking him to a smaller, more enclosed space, if he would find this comforting. If this would scare him more, then don't.

Use your own nervous system to signal safety. Which means - trying as much as you can to remain calm (I know that is really hard - visualising him as a scared wild animal can help here). Move slowly. Crouch to his level. Make your voice soft and slow and low. Don't argue, convince, or admonish. Say soothing/validating things e.g. about his emotions (don't promise him stuff like TV/candy/or try to persuade him to calm himself down.) Make your breathing very deep, slow, and obvious, but don't ask him to breathe. If you like, you can narrate what you're doing ""I'm taking deep, slow breaths to keep myself calm."" Or you can repeat things like ""You are safe. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. I'm going to stay with you until you feel safe again.""

Oxytocin helps. So human to human contact (again - know your own kid - if he does not want this, then respect that) like a hug, stroke, pat, squeeze.

Deep pressure can help. He might like to be wrapped in a blanket. Movement like rocking can also help - on your lap, or in a swing etc.

Other sensory inputs can help. You might offer him access to things like squeeze toys, chewy toys, a cool pack, a warmed heat pack, visual toys like those sparkle bottles, noisy toys he can press a button to make the same sound over and over again. Some children also like to spin or go upside down (though some will find this makes things worse).

Once he's calm he will probably be exhausted. So keep things calm and low and don't expect too much from him. But he might be more able to talk at this point.

**In general**:

It is probably worth trying to reduce stress/demands in the environment in general. A great resource for this is Stuart Shanker's Self-Reg and I have also heard great things about The Out of Sync Child.

The other one I love is Conscious Discipline by Becky A Bailey. You might also find The Explosive Child helpful. It's likely a good idea to take ideas like time out out of your repertoire entirely. Instead of reacting to behaviour you don't like, look to the root cause of the behaviour.

You should look into the PDA profile of autism., Long post...but I have been through this. 

I do believe ABA will be able to help you.  I know that you know that your child should not be running the show and it absolutely does sound like that is what is happening. Autism or not, children need boundaries to fulfill their need to feel safe in their environments. I know it sounds crazy, but when young children push a boundary they are testing their caregivers to see if they are in control. The funny thing about tantrums is that we actually teach our kids to have them, inadvertently. I am not talking about meltdowns, which are different. All kids will tantrum, and if we give in, they know to just keep screaming because they will break you. If you have tried to outlast the tantrum but gave up after 10 minutes...your child will understand that if they just keep acting outrageous for at least 10 minutes and you will absolutely give in. This is not the power you want to give to a little kid. 

Having said that I also had a little tyrant running my house years ago. My firstborn. I had no idea what I was doing and had never experienced healthy discipline before (I got beat...I was NOT about to do that to my kids) so I didn't understand what a boundary was let alone how to set one. I absolutely did not understand that my failed attempts to outlast her would only LENGTHEN the hellish screaming. My neighbors DID call the cops a few time (they were very kind and understanding). What helped me was getting a job as a paraprofessional in an early intervention classroom. The teacher was AMAZING and she taught me so much about behavior and discipline and I had real time practice with my students in the classroom. It totally transformed my parenting completely. Then our district had us all trained in ABA and that was just the icing on the cake. 

All this to say that you absolutely can turn this around. You just need some support from professionals who specialize in behavior modification. Also....warn your neighbors! Tell them if they are worried they can come over and make sure things are ok. That is what I wound up doing., I would involve a psychiatrist immediately and demand a medication. This isn’t a typical presentation of autism, something else is going on that is beyond therapies. I’m sorry., Stop being push overs. 

I’m probably going to be down voted to heck for this, but it’s true. Look yourself in the mirror and you will concur. If your child is as smart/cunning as you say he is (and I believe you do. YOU know your child best) he will pick up on the sudden dichotomy shift when you stand up for yourselves., Could a temporary stay at the pediatric ward of a psych hospital help break the cycle, properly diagnose him, and give them a chance to test out and dial in some heavy duty medication? This is beyond what most parents are equipped to handle. I'm not sure what your insurance is like and if that would be covered. I recommend getting videos of the most offensive behavior so when you speak to a psychiatrist they know you're not exaggerating.

Maybe the facility could get a behavioral system that finally works (akin to counting to three with consistent rewards/consquences and things along those lines) and then you maintain it consistently once he returns home? Basically, something that would stop the pattern and then do everything in your power not to give in when he returns home. Heck, I might even move apartments while he's gone if i thought it would reduce the chance of him from spontaneously reverting to his old ways (triggered by environment). Then tell him, ""sorry, this is the new house with the new rules"" and stick to whatever the new rules are (the shorter and simpler the better, of course).  I'm sure folks here would say that changing homes would make him anxious or something, but I am of the mindset that shitting on the floor is cause for drastic measures.

If not residential treatment now,  maybe he could start at a special ed school soon if you have access to one?  You do NOT want to be dealing with this level of intensity as he gets stronger in the teen years. :(  I commend you for taking it seriously now.

Do you have access to respite care for you, your wife, and your toddler? And I'm sorry to mention it, but this sounds like it has to be affecting your 3 year old significantly. The last thing you want is the younger one starting to copy all of these behaviors.

My apologies if the above suggestion sound harsh, but like you, in the 80's my dad would have just gagged us with a handkerchief everytime we screamed or maybe dumped a cold bucket of water on us, neurotypical or not. I mean, aside from (or maybe in addition to?) the beatings...it sounds like you know what I mean.  He called that sort of thing ""an attention getter"" or a ""memory aid""....as in, I bet you'll remember not to do that next time. It's a different day and age so medication and behavioral modification (with the help of professionals) are more appropriate, far less abusive tools.

Honestly, I don't know how you've made it this long without help., I'd look into wraparound services in your area. He's 6, so that's school age. Does he act like this at school??, My first thought was that it could be ODD, which tends to occur with autism. Whatever it is, you guys definitely need a professional to step in., That boy needs boundaries. 

Being autistic doesn't mean you're allowed to bully your family. 

You should not blame yourself, that just makes you feel guilty and you'll give in to his demands. 

You tried your best and your methods aren't working so well, so it's time to change tactics and set boundaries. 

He's clever. It won't take him too long to realise that his strategy isn't working anymore. 

He'll learn to use more appropriate strategies to let you guys know his needs and wishes. 

You just won't be able to do that all by yourself, you need professional help. 

Best of luck and please never feel guilty. It's not your fault and you are doing your best., This may be totally off base, but sometimes kids will act out with the people they feel safest with or trust the most when something else in their life is very wrong. A medical issue, a major change that feels out of control, high stress or overwhelming demands at school/ therapy, or mistreatment/abuse/bullying from a peer or other adult in their life. Those types of issues can be hard to articulate even for people with great language skills, and can cause big feelings that are confusing and hard to process. There might be nothing, but it can't hurt to take stock and rule things out.

This all sounds incredibly difficult and overwhelming.  I'm sorry your family is going through this., I'm sorry you're having such a challenging time. I'm replying to say thank you for sharing your experience and I'm finding the responses to your post helpful too (especially for PDA). My daughter (7) has many overlapping behaviours, including the severe need to control and separation anxiety. Screaming continuously until we go to her, even to the point of vomiting. She's trashed the house and yard countless times.
We've worked closely with an occupational therapist to help manage her sensory overwhelm; had her tonsils and adenoids removed to improve her sleep; moved schools to one where they take neurodivergent wellbeing seriously; we even use regular worming treatments (seems to improve her anger, so she must suffer a lot and not be able to verbalise); and as parents we've had to dig deep to learn how to calm down so she can coregulate without us using words.
I hope you have some breakthroughs and keep reaching out for support., Another vote for PDA here. And it’s exhausting. You have to completely relearn a new way of talking to individuals with PDA, low demand parenting (which is extremely hard if you have more than one child and they aren’t neurodivergent) is the way to go to avoid meltdowns. But it’s hard. You’re not alone., You’ll find so many similar experiences - and worse - in the PDA groups. One other thought - especially if you notice any link to being sick and behavior getting worse - or taking anti-biotics and behavior getting better - is to look at autoimmune encephalitis/PANS/PANDAS. Basically psychiatric symptoms caused by infections/immune system reactions, often chronic. This is definitely another rabbit hole to go down. Classic case is sudden onset, but there can be more chronic presentations too. Kid might still be PDA, and you need a low demand approach, but you have underlying, treatable medical issues exacerbating., Sounds like his behavior is so reinforced that he knows you don't stand a chance. There's no way for you guys to make any progress since you're in an apartment and the screaming will mostly likely get you kicked out. I'm sorry. I have some suggestions but not sure if you've already tried them., [removed], It doesn't seem like these behavior issues are autism related.  These just sound like behavior issues even a non-autistic kid would demonstrate. In fact, it feels more non-autistic. My son has these episodes where he really misbehaves and in those moments I treat him like a normal child without any special privileges. I treat him like my daughter who does not have autism. And by that I mean that I give him time out, stop listening to him and paying attention and don't pamper him. 

It's worked for us so far., My child had similar behaviors it’s very difficult to deal with.  Adding medication along with everything else we were doing (therapy, fidgets, weighted blanket,etc) finally made a difference.  Before it could go on for hours and she would hurt herself and my wife, now the meltdowns will maybe last 10-15 minutes and not be half as intense., I recommend checking out the strategies from Dr Casey Ehrlich, she describes scenarios like this a lot, and her very informative instagram page is: atpeaceparents, PDA, Does he have outside services such as ABA? If not it sounds like it may be needed. Are these new behaviors or has this developed over time? I would definitely suggest outside help and like others have mentioned ignoring negative cries for attention. No matter how embarrassing it may be. I don’t know how close your neighbors are but really if your child is autistic and yelling for attention I wouldn’t care or worry who hears as long as he is safe and his needs are met, let him yell. Hard as that may be. He will tire himself out and eventually realize he is not getting what he wants by exhibiting said behaviors. You said he is 6, I would assume he is in school? Does he display these behaviors in school? Does he have an IEP? If so to either of these questions I would see how the school handles these outbursts and ask for any recommendations? I definitely would not give attention to any negative behaviors, which might be hard to relearn if in the past he is used to instant gratification from throwing tantrums, it will take time to unlearn these behaviors. Reinforcing your role as the parent when he is exhibiting bad behaviors as in, I know you are thirsty or hungry, but we do not get what we want by screaming, when you calm down I will help you with whatever you may need. Ignoring other behaviors you mentioned, it may seem hard and he may throw a tantrum and scream. Let him. When you give in to those behaviors he knows he can continue to do so and get attention. It may be a hard cycle to break, but since he is verbal and able to communicate his needs it seems reasonable to assume he will understand if you tell him what will not be tolerated. If he won’t sit in time out I would tell him this is not acceptable, we can help you when you calm down. Making him sit down next to you on the couch perhaps, maybe putting a program on tv he likes, reading a book with him he likes, etc and loving on him until he relaxes enough to listen or gets his tantrum out his system in a safe space next to you may work better than just a time out chair by himself. Let him yell or cry it out. Comfort him while he is upset but absolutely do not give in to demands while he is in that space. I feel for you, it may be hard but it can get better! It may take some time to unlearn the behaviors but you have to stick to your guns and not let your 6 yr old run your household., My son is autistic and non-verbal and he is a habitual line stepper with everyone he tries. If he gets even on second of seeing someone will give into him he doesn’t leave it alone. We have to be very strict with certain things to keep it from escalating. I also recommend ABA before you medicate. ABA is super easy in the beginning because they want to get a good relationship with him so that he is happy when they come, but it will slowly turn to work for him. I would definitely try that., It’s concerning how it sounds like he’s trying to control everything around him 24/7, you both included.

There seems to be an element of manipulation to the screaming like you’re hurting him anytime he’s slightly hungry, &/or he can’t regulate his feelings at all. 

That could be something other than autism, or just normal kid behaviour getting the best of you both because you’re too tired to uphold strict boundaries.

Have there been any big changes at home or in his life? He sounds extremely clingy, maybe he just doesn’t know how to process something or get the support he needs in general? 

I also constantly hear awful things about how terrible kids tv can be for developing brains. It can absolutely cause or exacerbate behavioural problems, & create distance between parent/child if it’s getting in the way of one on one play &/or you’re being punished for not allowing them to watch it whenever it’s off. It is frankly an addiction when kids feel they NEED to watch tv & act out when you don’t give in. 

This is no life for him either, he needs help desperately. This is not something that is going to change over night, & I’m sorry that you’re going through it., I’m going with a different response. Your kid knows he can manipulate you by using these tactics, so I’d reverse roles a bit. If they are fake crying, fake cry back cause his sadness is making you sad. He’s yelling, yell back you can’t get what he wants cause he’s yelling at you. Be ridiculously exaggerated with it, but he doesn’t get what he wants with that behavior happening. Afterward, when he’s calm, talk about how that behavior is not going to get him what he wants, that people would rather avoid him than be helpful. Then show him more constructive ways of getting what he wants., We have a similar issue with our son (5-1/2 now). Ours has been tough since day 1, the nature of the problems evolved and changed, he was so delayed that we ended up being way to permissive because we felt we needed to encourage typical milestones when they seemed in reach. 

We'd get so much impractical advice from parents of typical kids too, it was as exhausting and depressing as the issues themselves.

We did end up having to move because we were in an apartment too and there was no way it would work. He would slam his feet, smash anything he got his hands on, slam his body again the doors/walls... we'd have to hold him at times to stop him from hurting himself. We got complaints from neighbors, some moved on their own, and our landlord couldn't easily demand we move so they just presented a renewal that was so expensive we had no choice but to go. We are fortunate I make enough that we were able to buy a single family.

That said, yours sounds similar to ours and I'd describe it as ""spoiled"" -- that's not a dig on you, you sound engaged, but beaten down, and you're dealing with a kid who is not typical -- 

My feeling from observing our kid vs others is that just like some fruit and bread ""spoils"" easily so do some kids, especially the ones like ours. They are just wired to recognize how to manipulate and use it for their own gain.

Our son learned similar things to yours -- fake crying while looking right at us, shouting for help, acting disrespectfully to us while asking for things or while we are helping. He's compliant for others outside the home, but alone with us it can be a nightmare.

The fake crying and hysterics -- we sit in the room with him and we do nothing else (no phone, no reading) and just wait it out... we don't raise our voice, we say ""when you're done acting like a baby, and are ready to act like a little boy again, we can do something else"". Since he wants to direct it at us it means we can move him where we want by moving ourselves there without saying anything (he'll follow us), we never demand he go somewhere because it empowers him to say no and resist, so instead we just move there and his desire to direct his feelings at us compels him to follow.

The shouting for help -- We've explained to ours what will happen if he keeps shouting for help, eventually the police *will* come, and they may take him away for a while to figure out why he yelled for help. He will probably have to stay somewhere else for a few days without us. He did it a few more times and we'd say ""We've told you what happens if you keep going, but you aren't stopping, so if they come take you there isn't anything we can do, *it's your choice*."" Then we treat similarly to the fake crying where we wait it out.

Disrespectfulness -- he'll ask for help, sometimes he'll make a mess in the process out of frustration, we'll say OK we're here to help you but we need clean this up first, he'll say no, or say ""but you made me wait to so long so it's your fault"", we stop and he needs to help clean and he needs to ask respectfully before we continue. Again, passively stopping the activity until he corrects.

Anger at not getting what he wants -- TV, games, things that aren't good for him (food or activities)... we just don't let him. Yes, it wrecks our lives to some degree, it triggers the behaviors above, but having seen the alternative it's still better.

Overall the goal is to help him recognize his situation will be worse while the bad behavior continues. We stop when he acts bad. We've also stopped rewarding good behavior, because he's learned (like your kid) that doing the thing we ask was getting a reward and it was too confusing to him to recognize the difference between doing the right thing following an hour of hysterics vs doing the right thing when asked.

From the outside we are now told we're too harsh--including by both our parents who have seen but never really lived the bad behavior-- but these people don't understand, they never have had to deal with it (and we still get it, just to a much lesser degree... we get maybe an half hour of hysterics per day vs multiple times per day before), so to the critics I say I don't care. Our son is loving and we're helping him recognize that the world will not cater to him and his parents won't either.

In another era our son would likely get spanked, slapped, locked in a room, etc... he'd probably learn from that negative reinforcement to avoid behaviors, but it would also become a technique he'd use on others. Now at least all he's learning from us is that when his normalcy stops our normalcy stops. If he wants it back, he needs to give it too. We do remind him, and we do ""olive branch"" by offering a next activity when he seems like he's stuck in a ""loop"" and can't break himself out, but it requires he act quiet/respectful before we start.

**tldr: passive resistance to the bad behaviors (do not introduce new demands), and removing ""rewards"" for good behavior, has worked for us. You act normal and you get normal, you act poorly and you get a shutdown..**, Does he go to school? What kinds of therapy he receives? This is not a typical 6 y old with or without autism. You need to find professionals for help. I don’t believe ABA will work especially with those inexperienced behavioral technicians., I am so sorry :(

It has to be so very hard.

What kind of therapies and services is he signed up for?, How do you discipline him? I would say you need help, is he getting services? Taking any meds?, I would go to the tacanow.org website. Read about it And get him assessed for gut issues. Similar thing happened to my kid. He had parasites. Got rid of a lot of issues, First of all, I know it's hard. We have been through everything you wrote down. It's worse when you're living in an apartment complex... I was scared at times that someone would call the police. 

Our kiddos are very bright. They know what to do to get what they want and what makes us react. We have to outsmart them. It's very hard at first but after some times it becomes less and less difficult.

Kids, ND or NT, want attention, good or bad. And they need boundaries that they know will stay whatever happens. They will test it to the max, but when they know the boundary won't move, they eventually stop. 

My daughter is 11 years old now and it's really better. We had to work hard, to have help from social workers and go to therapy (individually and as a family)., Came here to say, I’m so sorry. My daughter is much like this still at the age of 9. The big thing here is he’s not punishing you, he’s trying to communicate the only way he knows how to show you how he’s feeling or what’s going on inside. He’s not punishing you, it’s not fun for him. I’m no world would anyone want to act or behave in such a way that hurts their selves. He’s letting out what’s going on inside. Keep trying you will have breakthroughs even the smallest ones, they add up and you guys will get thru this., Sounds like he’s having alot of anxiety and the acts of service he’s demanding are reassuring and comforting to him and make him feel secure and loved, You already have so much great info with all the advice/comments here. I’m so sorry you’re going through this tough stage, it sounds exhausting and terrible for your family… 

Have you tried connecting with him? Like fully connecting, where you’re having one on one fun with him and are in a flow state. Even starting small like sitting next to him while he’s playing on his tablet, and just existing parallel to him. Letting him know you want to be in his world.

Kids are so smart and intuitive, they are tuned into our feelings about them. From your post you sound disappointed, overwhelmed, exhausted, discouraged (all valid, because what you’re describing is so intense and shitty (no pun intended)), but he can feel all those negative feelings, and it’s creating a snowball of him continuing to fulfill the way you’re feeling about his behaviors and both your negative feelings and his negative behaviors increasing.

I’m not an educated expert; like others have said, do get the experts involved. But in the meantime (I know appointments and waitlists take time) try to simply connect with him, in a meaningful way.

Edited to add: I am saying this respectfully to you: I think you’re expecting too much from a 6 year old with autism. In your post you said you refused to walk with him 10ft down the hall to chaperone him to the bathroom. He was communicating a need to you, probably anxiety driven (he didn’t want to be alone), maybe he didn’t like the way his internal cues were feeling in his body (Google: interoception autism), and instead of being supportive you’re trying to prove to him that he’s a big boy and can pee alone. Yes, he’s physically capable of peeing alone, but in that moment if he’s wanting you to go with him, you should acquiesce to things like that. Pick your battles. If he’s demanding drinks from you (like your post states), respond with something humorous “welcome to the polite Diner, I’m your server, and I’ll get your drink order when I hear a thank you! Okay, that’ll be $35 for a drink.” Something silly like that.., Please don't listen to the people saying that this is sociopathic or that he is doing something wrong.  Our son is 6 and he struggled with some of what you describe.  We also live with neighbors and I'm grateful that none are below us.  Our son had been self harming for a while and he was nonverbal so we felt hopeless and there are still days where we feel overwhelmed like you.  He's a gestalt learner and his language acquisition helped tremendously but the biggest thing was giving him a safe space to act out, toy dump, throw items, etc. without us reacting.  We then would check in when he calmed...like a bell curve you don't provide anything when they are at the height but then when they settle you swoop in and give cuddles (if they like it). Also the physical exercise aspect.  We bought an indoor gym on Brain Rich Kids website (it was an investment at about $500.00 but it was worth it for both kids) When we stopped giving in to his behaviors while he was heightened it changed the dynamic slowly over time.  He still gets away with more than a typical kiddo but he is showing more flexibility with each day that passes.

I know no two kids with ASD are alike(we have two with very different needs!) but in ABA (which we stopped last year when he was 5) we learned about extinction bursts.  The more you allow it to continue the longer it takes to get rid of.  Give him a safe place to act out his behaviors and talk to your neighbors so they are aware...My husband and I have had that same fear that people will think we are abusing our son and that made it harder to stay calm in the moments and encouraged us to give in.

If you have tried this and it's not working then seeking resources is the next step.  Our son isn't medicated.

TLDR:

1. Provide safe space for calming and call it a ""break"".  Any escalation redirect him to take a break and then come in when he's calm. 
2. Let the neighbors know your challenges so they can be mindful and you can eliminate that fear for you.
3. exercise (swim, you tube videos instructing with fun images, parks)

I hope you find this helpful and you're not alone!, Are there any medications a psychiatrist can recommend here? Is there a special education person you can hire that can maybe instill a little
fear and discipline? Sorry just thinking out loud., Well. As a rule goes dont raise a child you hate. Especially scince 


A if you hate your child you are potentially dooming them. Because if you receed your affection at the smallest point youll neglect them possible life saving help.



B if you dont stop these behaviors now they will only manifest into worse behaviors later



On this note this is why you need to spank your child. To save them from themselves. That way they are not forced to suffer abandonment from every possible person scince they havent had these things instilled in them. Them shitting the carpet to prove a point is just playing with social fire.what about when there older and they try something similar to some one not you Who doesnt care. Like im being agressive here but those spankings are there to save your childs life. And for future refrence your gonna jack your kid up regardless its gonna happen some how. Better it be while trying to save there life. Or in accidental minor things, The thing is, when his therapist makes recommendations for anxiety relief, such as comfort items or like an inflatable canoe to lay in. He doesn't care about those things. He doesn't give them the time of day. Or he tries them once and it like eh I don't like it., I was going to say the same. I suspect my daughter is PDA (no one in our area can confirm that but it fits the bill). She's not quite as extreme as OP's child but probably 70% of the intensity OP described. Problematically, we live in an area short on resources in general, let alone anyone who can give us expert advice on PDA autism. And we are similarly failing on our own., Oh my gosh have we tried.
But then he learns SO fast how to cheat the system and rewards himself.
He bites his tongue figuratively to not have an outburst, and then says ""I didn't scream so I want my tablet"".
Obviously we aren't just rewarding every second he doesn't scream at us, so we will tell him something like he's had enough time with the tablet again and we are back to square one., Question for you: how did your parents get you to do the activities that ultimately helped you? If you remember or have tips I would be so grateful., The fact is he is manipulating you.  No 6 year old normal child is this demanding, and you gotta show him who’s boss before this shit blows up in your face., Whoa.
This is a really major thing to bring up regarding a 6 year old. 
He doesn't hurt anybody, he's not a sociopath.
He is just exhibiting negative behaviors.
It's not as if he's plotting our death. He's generally a very excitable happy child, but he is bossy and himself doesn't understand his motives and behaviors 

That movie/book is about a sociopathic child who grows up with 0 understanding or regard for how he affects others around him and does very dark things to his pet and sibling, and manipulates the father into believing its not happening, before he murders a bunch of people.

Really, this seems like a VERY outrageous thing to say. He's nothing like kevin, Sorry, I disagree. Typical six year olds do not defecate on the living room floor as a power move. There is something else going on here, perhaps attributable to autism, perhaps something else, but if I were OP I’d be looking for as much help as I could get. I didn’t see OP mention their support system. Speech therapist to communicate needs in more acceptable ways. Psychologist or parent-child interaction therapy (PCIT). School. ABA. Developmental pediatrician/psychologist to check for comorbidities—ADHD, OCD, intellectual disability, etc. This kid definitely needs a village., I’m not sure about that . I have the feeling if my son was verbal he would be vocalizing the things OP’s child say, because many behaviors are identical, Fear is the OPPOSITE of what is needed here. This child is terrified., If he is PDA and so disregulated that he isnt using the bathroom, laying in an inflatable canoe isn't going to do anything. Maybe check out the PDA subreddit and see if it clicks. Unfortunately if it is PDA, what you have been doing is the exact opposite of how you are supposed to manage it., Maybe these particular items don’t suit his personal needs? 

My daughter loves beanbags but hates the peapod that she had at school. She loves hammocks, but not swings. She prefers weight over being tucked in. She hates clothing when some kids thrive on being clothed. 

Your son’s preferences are probably unique and may take a few different tools to try and find the correct item that suits. Either way, I’d definitely try to set something up for him so that he can have a dedicated quiet space that is safe for him to be placed in when he is feeling like this. He can burn himself out and settle or nap and be safe in a quiet space (my daughter chose a tent this year, and she has it packed full of her favourite blankets and bunnies and books, and one particular light she enjoys). If she’s in a poor mood - or even screaming down the house - she is settled into her quiet space and is allowed to come out when she feels calm. We don’t keep her in there, but the rule is that she has to be calm. Otherwise, we know in our home, that she’ll wind up back in her quiet space very quickly. There are days where she even wants one of us to stay with her, just outside the tent. 

It’s just an idea, but it could be worth exploring., Individuals with PDA can become severely dehydrated and malnourished by being able to meet their own physical needs due to a perceived demand OR power imblance. I’m not sure but this behaviour is driven by something that should be assessed by the crisis team to rule out other options and link you with appropriate support. You cannot live like this and it’s ok to call someone and say you can’t keep going and you are in crisis. This is not a situation I would allow to keep playing out. Make a call today!, I recommend what others have said: mental health crisis team, asap. 

If you could, I’d attempt to flat out ignore the screaming (as long as he’s not injured or in need of urgent care - like changing his pants and so forth). It’s definitely a power play, and he can’t scream forever. If you teach him you’ll respond every time to his screams and tantrums (and if that’s all they are - you’ll have to check and keep an eye on him) then he’ll learn fairly quickly not to do it any more. My daughter tried to pull much of the same behaviour awhile back, and I recognised it from when *I* used to do the same as a child (of course, I grew up in a household where my ASD wasn’t recognised - so I just got thrown into my room, spanked, and basically threatened with everything that the old school parenting style had back in the 80s - and I don’t recommend any of that). For my daughter, however, it was a short-lived stint (about two weeks) before she realised that her tantrums and bossiness and demanding screams over cookies or sweets were getting ignored. And this was after several hundred attempts to explain and be calm with her over this. We still get the occasional screaming fit - but they are usually now from a place of anger and wanting to control the outcome. She eventually gives up when she realises we will carry on because her screaming like a banshee  for a lollipop is exhausting work when no one will cave. If the noise is too much: ear plugs and sit in the room to monitor his behaviours until he screams himself out. Redirect when able. Underline NO as a word that is final, and be a team - nobody slips. Instill penalties if you must: if you can’t use your inside voice then I will have to take all of the cookies away for an entire week.  Or: I know you’re angry, but I need you to stop screaming by the time I count to five. If you don’t stop screaming by the count of five, then I will have to take away your tablet for the rest of the day. Or: I know you’re angry and frustrated, but you I can’t understand you when you scream like that. If you’re looking for a snack, I can make us some popcorn. Would you like to help? Or: hey dude, would you like to come outside and take a walk with me? I was thinking of heading to the park. (You’ll want to gauge what level of redirection or correction you will need to take). It can take anywhere from 4-6 weeks to correct a behaviour, too, so don’t expect it to stop immediately or after a few days. 

Of course, I wouldn’t attempt **any of this** so without a consult first. I’m sorry you’re going through this, OP. If you’re able, maybe you can redirect his temper with some quiet time or a bath, something else that can occupy him and then, when he is calm, you can then remind him that he’s still the child and needs to try his best to follow the rules., Also wondering this. Sometimes they insist they are too tired to exercise with me, or too tired to play a game or their legs hurt and they don’t want to stand up. However if something doesn’t go their way they have sooo much energy to run laps around me, kick me/objects, flip tables 😬 suspected PDA over here too, Swimming was the first thing I was really in to. My parents got a membership at a swim place and we would go for hours at a time on the weekends. Or we would go to the beach for several hours. When I was six I got in to soccer and my parents signed me up on a rec. team with my bff (this was key). Definitely nothing forced or chore-like., How is that outrageous? The child is defecating on the floor as a power move!!!! Wtf!, I don't think he's anything like Kevin. Now my take on this is not the same situation but similar enough to try to give a tiny bit of advice based on my kids' experiences. My youngest is autistic but he's a happy kid all the time, like literally all the time, but his older brother a few years back got diagnosed with ODD (oppositional defiance disorder) and used to do a lot of the things you are describing to get his way (screaming for long times, following you etc). He'd also lash out and try to hit or scratch you if it was a really bad day. It was a brutal 3 year period for us. We got him into the therapy and frankly took the meltdowns for the next few weeks until he (slower than we would have liked lol) realized that we just weren't going to give into him. If he tried to hit me I'd walk away and keep walking away. Neighbors came over because of the screaming and stuff but I had gotten his doctor to write that we were doing therapy and not actually hurting him. It was alot for a couple of weeks and still had the occasional blow up for the next few months but now 3 years later, he's a brand new kid. Doing great in school life and home life. I know the autism your son has makes his situation a little different but maybe try looking into therapy that they offer for kids with ODD. Hope things get better soon for all of you!

Edit: spelling, phrasing, It sounds like your child doesn’t care if your basic needs for sleeping and using the toilet are met or not…, We he doesn't struggle to communicate his needs. He knows very clearly what he wants and he says it. It's his delivery.
I don't know how or when he picked up this habit of barking orders at us without even looking up from his tablet.
If we don't comply he stops his game or whatever he's doing and looks at us in disbelief that we aren't dropping everything we are doing to appease him. He's appalled that we aren't anticipating his thoughts for a pb&j and already have a fresh one ready.

And he's so rude to everyone.
He interrupts everyone who's talking to us and talks to us louder than they are to dominate the conversation and if we dismiss him, he will say in front of everyone that we aren't acting like ourselves and he doesn't like it and that it's time to go.
And I know what he's doing. He's trying to get us to retreat to a place where he knows nobody can get in his way., I am not an expert but from everything I've read so far, an autistic kid does not have the kind of awareness this kid is demonstrating. Maybe one of the experts here can comment., Seconding PDA. Check out: PDA society UK and US, Declarative language handbook, the family experience of PDA, etc. The key is shifting your impression and approach and you will see changes! A key aspect of PDA is the ability to use social strategies and manipulation to avoid demands. Remember despite the challenges of the behaviors, anxiety is at the root of it. He is not choosing this behavior, he’s likely in a fight or flight response., Not OP, but can you expand on “what you have been doing is the exact opposite of how you are supposed to manage it”?, What is PDA?, Swimming is a good idea. The only activity my son actually likes. He’s 5 tho so more will be revealed. Thanks, Speech therapist helps with delivery—that is communication too, it’s called pragmatics. He sounds insufferable and for your family’s sake you need professional intervention., My daughter sounds a lot like your son. She's about to turn 5. She also scream-talks over everyone and will get violent if her demands aren't met immediately. I am constantly covered in bruises. Everyone in the house, including our 3 year old (god I feel awful for him for this), wears headphones in order to drown out some of her screaming.

I wish I had advice for you. All I can do is echo the people saying to look up the PDA profile. It's not as well understood in the US but it's still worth looking up to see if there's anyone in your area who can offer services for PDA autism. There isn't anyone in my area who knows a damn thing about it and we're struggling with trying to figure it out on our own. But at least knowing what it is gives you a starting point., I honestly don’t even think I should respond because i am not educated in psychology especially children psychology enough to tell you what you should or shouldn’t do but from my own experience working with special needs children and also having a severely autistic 5yo son who can be demanding and likes things his way.. I believe the only thing that keeps him from taking things to this extreme is my clear Non tolerance for the shit. Pry me say that I am in no way judging you. Nor am I saying that taking this stance and implementing it is not the absolute hardest thing I’ve ever had to do… but it’s saved my sanity. My household peace. My son. My relationship with my son.. and even the relationship between his father and I. Yes it’s embarrassing.. yes me being the empathetic soul that I am was put in the position of constant stress thinking about our neighbors and what they thought of us as parents or if they thought we were harming our son… then thinking about my son and his feelings and his level of comprehension due to  the fact that he was non verbal.. I constantly thought that it was a chance I was permanently traumatizing him. Looking back that shit was ridiculous. Simply creating boundaries and not allowing a very smart but also very manipulative child control and essentially emotionally abuse you is not traumatizing the child. If anything it’s teaching them a valuable lesson. The first thing I did was completely stop responding to any request (demands) that were asked in a disrespectful way or any way that crossed a boundary of mine (my boundaries were mainly my feelings being hurt and being disrespected, as well as unappreciated) secondly I had a list of boundaries as well as negative behaviors under each behavior I wrote the redirection I’d apply so that I wasn’t just ignoring my child I was teaching him the correct way to requests his wants and express his needs. Thirdly that yelling and screaming shit.. as hard as it is you can not respond to it by showing how upset it makes you, jumping to resolve the issue to quiet him, none of that. Honestly the more you act like it’s not happening and it actually sounds like a sound machine playing relaxing wave tracks the less satisfaction he’ll get. Once he realized his tactics aren’t working and the only way to get what he’s requesting is to do what was taught to him by redirections he will change his behavior. It may take  few days or it could take months but I promise you if his behaviors aren’t producing the results he’s seeking they will stop.


I apologize for the lack of grammar, ton of typos, and pure chaos that is the structure of this comment 😂 I’m trying to cook dinner and tend to my demanding child. Sending ton of love and perseverance. I also have a ton of resources like books, blogs, community services l, federal services etc so just lmk what you need!, That isn’t autistic behavior. That is just being spoiled, Of course they can have the awareness. It’s a very broad spectrum. My son told his therapist I punch and abuse him and then later said it was just to see my reaction. I don’t lay a finger on him and he’s very much autistic. Autistic children can still push boundaries or do things to try to gain control and create reactions that they want. He’s learned his screaming gets him what he wants so he’s going to continue doing it. 

It’s like Pavlov’s bell, They can, autism is a huge spectrum. Lack of social awareness can show as inappropriate behavior/lack of embarassment as well, like defacating on the floor which would be embarassing to most 6 year olds. ""If I scream, I get what I want"" isn't that difficult to connect either, plenty of my non-verbal autistic students understand that to some degree. 

Pathological demand avoidance often has a different presentation from other autism spectrum disorders - usually more manipulative behavior to get out of demands - so that's something I'd consider. Additional disorders like anxiety disorders and adhd can clash with autism symptoms and make them much harder to handle for children. 

If OP hasn't yet, they should definitely take their son to a psychiatrist. I don't know if you've ever tried screaming for several hours, but it's exhausting. Typically developing children, even if they really want something, rarely make it past an hour - after that, it can cross the line into self-harming behavior. Medication, at least temporarily, can help address his anxiety and get him calm enough for behavioral interventions to work. Otherwise, stand your ground on the specific issue and offer whatever comfort or calming strategies you have available. Weighed blankets or vests often help, lava lamps or similar visuals, it really depends on the child and an occupational therapist can help you make a sensory profile. It's also important to rule out abuse or high stress situations in other parts of his life - of he doesn't act like this when he's out of school, doesn't have a specific therapy or doesn't see a specific person, that would point towards that being the issue., Yep - he doesn't lack interoception which is a core autism trait.

This is above reddit's paygrade. PDA can also coocur with adhd, and adhd and autism can overlap with some symptoms, so arm chair diagnosing isn't the way to go here at all. The kid needs a professional diagnosis and treatment plan., Ignoring demands, putting kids in time outs- basically all traditional forms of discipline will completely backfire with a PDA kid and make it 100 times worse. The more you try to make a child comply the more they ""act out"". It's an endless cycle. Instead, if it is PDA, you have to remove all demands completely., Pathological Demand Avoidance, I’ve been monitoring this thread and it’s getting out of control with the parent shaming, medical advice, suggesting that a child is a sociopath, and suggestions of abuse. 

OP I hope you got some helpful answers here., Mental health crisis team. Idk where you are but hopefully your county has one. Then a therapist that has training in special needs and play therapy, ABA therapy (look for one that allows to you observe some sessions), and a special needs parents support group., I'm going to go against the other comments and suggest that this is extreme PDA Autism. It sounds like he is extremely anxious and trying to control his environment to handle his anxiety., Yowsers this sounds so tough. Honestly having never been in this position you are free to take this advice with a grain of salt but it sounds like he is ruling the house and his screaming, yelling etc is getting him the desired results. Get some noise cancelling headphones and don't give in! At the first teeny tiny opportunity that he is displaying the behaviour you want him to be (waiting patiently, quietly, not screaming! Etc) give him what he desires straight away and keep at it. Do not give him anything when he is screaming at you like this. If it goes on for hours it goes on for hours it's going to be tough yes but it's never going to get easier by giving in to this behaviour. If he is a smart cookie he will figure this all out pretty quick., Agree with those suggesting PDA or ODD. Therapy alone will not make this better. A psychiatrist should be involved in your care., Whoa. 

So what I’m seeing here is a kid that has learned that you guys will jump when he says jump and if you don’t, he will do what he has to to make sure you do indeed jump.. rinse and repeat. The other part is anxiety..

My oldest was a level of this from about 3-9. It was intense and I’m grateful we didn’t live in an apartment with the level of wall banging, screaming for hours, (sometimes both of us) and the door slamming he was jknown for we ended up taking doors off hinges.. multiple times. You do what you have to to keep the peace and keep them from spiraling out of control sooooo much that by the time you realize you really fucked up, it’s too late. You’ve enabled the behavior for so long you feel like there’s no way out of not doing that.. because of the living conditions, you feel like he can’t scream for long. He can’t be this upset for long periods of time.. someone will call the police. Someone will call the apartment manager.. 

But he can. And before this is over, he will. 

First and foremost? Evaluation for anxiety if you haven’t done it already. He’s going to need therapy and yes, medication. Don’t be scared to medicate. If you were dealing with this level of anxiety, wouldn’t you meditate yourself? He NEEDS medication. It will be trial and error for a while to find the right stuff. 

 Mine is 19 now. We’ve had several diagnosis follow since the autism diagnosis.. adhd, depression, and now we’re looking at bipolar disorder. Did it get easier? Sure.. but harder in other ways. That need to control every aspect of everyone around them definitely got easier. I couod evenually sleep without the door locked worried about my kid stabbing me in the face with a kitchen knife.. 

But as puberty entered the chat, things got more difficult socially and hormones played a huge factor in several aspects.. 

But the screaming stopped.  

It won’t be fast or easy, but if things don’t get better, I’d be looking into a hold at a psych unit. We didn’t make it there, but literally only because I figured if we did, he would blame me and things would be so much worse when he got out. I kinda forgot they sort meds and stuff while there. 🤷🏻‍♀️ 

I have multiple kids with autism, anxiety, adhd..  but none have ever been like my oldest. He was/is a different beast entirely. It will get better, but you gotta fight for that light at the end of the tunnel. He’s struggling, and trying to regulate himself, but can’t because he literally has no idea what to do that will help. He needs to be taught. Enabling by giving into the behavior (no judgement because I seriously understand exactly why, I’m a huge enabler to this day- I’m just explaining what’s going on) is like a bandaid.. it works for a moment but it just makes it worse the next time because he knows if he can get you guys to do the jump, he’ll also feel better for the moment.. so you guys just keep doing this either way each other until something changes. You gotta make the moves to change the behaviors. It’s a long uphill battle.. 

But it DOES GET BETTER. Keep fighting., I was basically this kid (not quite to this extent) and this is what helped- Vigorous physical activity every day. First of all it really is great for physical regulation and sleep, and secondly it’s a way to connect with my parents, friends etc. As an ADHD/ PDA kid what I really really wanted was connection- and if I couldn’t get it in a positive way I would immediately act out to get it in a negative way. For me being involved in tons of sports, swimming, climbing etc. was a life saver., This sounds like stress behaviour/dysregulation to me. Like my 5.5yo (probably autistic) acts like this when he is hungry, needs to poop, is ill, is stressed out, is tired etc. Escalating it by trying to enforce a boundary or hierarchy will just make it worse in that moment. Trying to engage with what they are saying as though it has any logic does not work in that moment. Think about how wild animals act when they are threatened - if his nervous system has kicked him into fight or flight, then he is indeed running off ""old software"" - a part of our brain that we share with our animal ancestors. He's not in his prefrontal cortex where we process speech, language, logic. His brain is basically telling him his life might be in danger and he needs to fight for his life - that's why his behaviour is so extreme.

**In the moment**:

You need to establish safety. So meet physical needs, however they are expressed (hunger - not candy - thirst, discomfort) and then focus on safety. If he is telling you that he can't be alone, then don't force him to be alone just now. Tag team in and out if you need to because this is draining AF.

Start reducing stimulus in the environment. Turn lights off/down. Remove sources of noise (turn things off/down, including stuff like fans and electrical items which make a whine if you can, offer him headphones, which he might not take.) Consider taking him to a smaller, more enclosed space, if he would find this comforting. If this would scare him more, then don't.

Use your own nervous system to signal safety. Which means - trying as much as you can to remain calm (I know that is really hard - visualising him as a scared wild animal can help here). Move slowly. Crouch to his level. Make your voice soft and slow and low. Don't argue, convince, or admonish. Say soothing/validating things e.g. about his emotions (don't promise him stuff like TV/candy/or try to persuade him to calm himself down.) Make your breathing very deep, slow, and obvious, but don't ask him to breathe. If you like, you can narrate what you're doing ""I'm taking deep, slow breaths to keep myself calm."" Or you can repeat things like ""You are safe. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. I'm going to stay with you until you feel safe again.""

Oxytocin helps. So human to human contact (again - know your own kid - if he does not want this, then respect that) like a hug, stroke, pat, squeeze.

Deep pressure can help. He might like to be wrapped in a blanket. Movement like rocking can also help - on your lap, or in a swing etc.

Other sensory inputs can help. You might offer him access to things like squeeze toys, chewy toys, a cool pack, a warmed heat pack, visual toys like those sparkle bottles, noisy toys he can press a button to make the same sound over and over again. Some children also like to spin or go upside down (though some will find this makes things worse).

Once he's calm he will probably be exhausted. So keep things calm and low and don't expect too much from him. But he might be more able to talk at this point.

**In general**:

It is probably worth trying to reduce stress/demands in the environment in general. A great resource for this is Stuart Shanker's Self-Reg and I have also heard great things about The Out of Sync Child.

The other one I love is Conscious Discipline by Becky A Bailey. You might also find The Explosive Child helpful. It's likely a good idea to take ideas like time out out of your repertoire entirely. Instead of reacting to behaviour you don't like, look to the root cause of the behaviour.

You should look into the PDA profile of autism., Long post...but I have been through this. 

I do believe ABA will be able to help you.  I know that you know that your child should not be running the show and it absolutely does sound like that is what is happening. Autism or not, children need boundaries to fulfill their need to feel safe in their environments. I know it sounds crazy, but when young children push a boundary they are testing their caregivers to see if they are in control. The funny thing about tantrums is that we actually teach our kids to have them, inadvertently. I am not talking about meltdowns, which are different. All kids will tantrum, and if we give in, they know to just keep screaming because they will break you. If you have tried to outlast the tantrum but gave up after 10 minutes...your child will understand that if they just keep acting outrageous for at least 10 minutes and you will absolutely give in. This is not the power you want to give to a little kid. 

Having said that I also had a little tyrant running my house years ago. My firstborn. I had no idea what I was doing and had never experienced healthy discipline before (I got beat...I was NOT about to do that to my kids) so I didn't understand what a boundary was let alone how to set one. I absolutely did not understand that my failed attempts to outlast her would only LENGTHEN the hellish screaming. My neighbors DID call the cops a few time (they were very kind and understanding). What helped me was getting a job as a paraprofessional in an early intervention classroom. The teacher was AMAZING and she taught me so much about behavior and discipline and I had real time practice with my students in the classroom. It totally transformed my parenting completely. Then our district had us all trained in ABA and that was just the icing on the cake. 

All this to say that you absolutely can turn this around. You just need some support from professionals who specialize in behavior modification. Also....warn your neighbors! Tell them if they are worried they can come over and make sure things are ok. That is what I wound up doing., I would involve a psychiatrist immediately and demand a medication. This isn’t a typical presentation of autism, something else is going on that is beyond therapies. I’m sorry., Stop being push overs. 

I’m probably going to be down voted to heck for this, but it’s true. Look yourself in the mirror and you will concur. If your child is as smart/cunning as you say he is (and I believe you do. YOU know your child best) he will pick up on the sudden dichotomy shift when you stand up for yourselves., Could a temporary stay at the pediatric ward of a psych hospital help break the cycle, properly diagnose him, and give them a chance to test out and dial in some heavy duty medication? This is beyond what most parents are equipped to handle. I'm not sure what your insurance is like and if that would be covered. I recommend getting videos of the most offensive behavior so when you speak to a psychiatrist they know you're not exaggerating.

Maybe the facility could get a behavioral system that finally works (akin to counting to three with consistent rewards/consquences and things along those lines) and then you maintain it consistently once he returns home? Basically, something that would stop the pattern and then do everything in your power not to give in when he returns home. Heck, I might even move apartments while he's gone if i thought it would reduce the chance of him from spontaneously reverting to his old ways (triggered by environment). Then tell him, ""sorry, this is the new house with the new rules"" and stick to whatever the new rules are (the shorter and simpler the better, of course).  I'm sure folks here would say that changing homes would make him anxious or something, but I am of the mindset that shitting on the floor is cause for drastic measures.

If not residential treatment now,  maybe he could start at a special ed school soon if you have access to one?  You do NOT want to be dealing with this level of intensity as he gets stronger in the teen years. :(  I commend you for taking it seriously now.

Do you have access to respite care for you, your wife, and your toddler? And I'm sorry to mention it, but this sounds like it has to be affecting your 3 year old significantly. The last thing you want is the younger one starting to copy all of these behaviors.

My apologies if the above suggestion sound harsh, but like you, in the 80's my dad would have just gagged us with a handkerchief everytime we screamed or maybe dumped a cold bucket of water on us, neurotypical or not. I mean, aside from (or maybe in addition to?) the beatings...it sounds like you know what I mean.  He called that sort of thing ""an attention getter"" or a ""memory aid""....as in, I bet you'll remember not to do that next time. It's a different day and age so medication and behavioral modification (with the help of professionals) are more appropriate, far less abusive tools.

Honestly, I don't know how you've made it this long without help., I'd look into wraparound services in your area. He's 6, so that's school age. Does he act like this at school??, My first thought was that it could be ODD, which tends to occur with autism. Whatever it is, you guys definitely need a professional to step in., That boy needs boundaries. 

Being autistic doesn't mean you're allowed to bully your family. 

You should not blame yourself, that just makes you feel guilty and you'll give in to his demands. 

You tried your best and your methods aren't working so well, so it's time to change tactics and set boundaries. 

He's clever. It won't take him too long to realise that his strategy isn't working anymore. 

He'll learn to use more appropriate strategies to let you guys know his needs and wishes. 

You just won't be able to do that all by yourself, you need professional help. 

Best of luck and please never feel guilty. It's not your fault and you are doing your best., This may be totally off base, but sometimes kids will act out with the people they feel safest with or trust the most when something else in their life is very wrong. A medical issue, a major change that feels out of control, high stress or overwhelming demands at school/ therapy, or mistreatment/abuse/bullying from a peer or other adult in their life. Those types of issues can be hard to articulate even for people with great language skills, and can cause big feelings that are confusing and hard to process. There might be nothing, but it can't hurt to take stock and rule things out.

This all sounds incredibly difficult and overwhelming.  I'm sorry your family is going through this., I'm sorry you're having such a challenging time. I'm replying to say thank you for sharing your experience and I'm finding the responses to your post helpful too (especially for PDA). My daughter (7) has many overlapping behaviours, including the severe need to control and separation anxiety. Screaming continuously until we go to her, even to the point of vomiting. She's trashed the house and yard countless times.
We've worked closely with an occupational therapist to help manage her sensory overwhelm; had her tonsils and adenoids removed to improve her sleep; moved schools to one where they take neurodivergent wellbeing seriously; we even use regular worming treatments (seems to improve her anger, so she must suffer a lot and not be able to verbalise); and as parents we've had to dig deep to learn how to calm down so she can coregulate without us using words.
I hope you have some breakthroughs and keep reaching out for support., Another vote for PDA here. And it’s exhausting. You have to completely relearn a new way of talking to individuals with PDA, low demand parenting (which is extremely hard if you have more than one child and they aren’t neurodivergent) is the way to go to avoid meltdowns. But it’s hard. You’re not alone., You’ll find so many similar experiences - and worse - in the PDA groups. One other thought - especially if you notice any link to being sick and behavior getting worse - or taking anti-biotics and behavior getting better - is to look at autoimmune encephalitis/PANS/PANDAS. Basically psychiatric symptoms caused by infections/immune system reactions, often chronic. This is definitely another rabbit hole to go down. Classic case is sudden onset, but there can be more chronic presentations too. Kid might still be PDA, and you need a low demand approach, but you have underlying, treatable medical issues exacerbating., Sounds like his behavior is so reinforced that he knows you don't stand a chance. There's no way for you guys to make any progress since you're in an apartment and the screaming will mostly likely get you kicked out. I'm sorry. I have some suggestions but not sure if you've already tried them., [removed], It doesn't seem like these behavior issues are autism related.  These just sound like behavior issues even a non-autistic kid would demonstrate. In fact, it feels more non-autistic. My son has these episodes where he really misbehaves and in those moments I treat him like a normal child without any special privileges. I treat him like my daughter who does not have autism. And by that I mean that I give him time out, stop listening to him and paying attention and don't pamper him. 

It's worked for us so far., My child had similar behaviors it’s very difficult to deal with.  Adding medication along with everything else we were doing (therapy, fidgets, weighted blanket,etc) finally made a difference.  Before it could go on for hours and she would hurt herself and my wife, now the meltdowns will maybe last 10-15 minutes and not be half as intense., I recommend checking out the strategies from Dr Casey Ehrlich, she describes scenarios like this a lot, and her very informative instagram page is: atpeaceparents, PDA, Does he have outside services such as ABA? If not it sounds like it may be needed. Are these new behaviors or has this developed over time? I would definitely suggest outside help and like others have mentioned ignoring negative cries for attention. No matter how embarrassing it may be. I don’t know how close your neighbors are but really if your child is autistic and yelling for attention I wouldn’t care or worry who hears as long as he is safe and his needs are met, let him yell. Hard as that may be. He will tire himself out and eventually realize he is not getting what he wants by exhibiting said behaviors. You said he is 6, I would assume he is in school? Does he display these behaviors in school? Does he have an IEP? If so to either of these questions I would see how the school handles these outbursts and ask for any recommendations? I definitely would not give attention to any negative behaviors, which might be hard to relearn if in the past he is used to instant gratification from throwing tantrums, it will take time to unlearn these behaviors. Reinforcing your role as the parent when he is exhibiting bad behaviors as in, I know you are thirsty or hungry, but we do not get what we want by screaming, when you calm down I will help you with whatever you may need. Ignoring other behaviors you mentioned, it may seem hard and he may throw a tantrum and scream. Let him. When you give in to those behaviors he knows he can continue to do so and get attention. It may be a hard cycle to break, but since he is verbal and able to communicate his needs it seems reasonable to assume he will understand if you tell him what will not be tolerated. If he won’t sit in time out I would tell him this is not acceptable, we can help you when you calm down. Making him sit down next to you on the couch perhaps, maybe putting a program on tv he likes, reading a book with him he likes, etc and loving on him until he relaxes enough to listen or gets his tantrum out his system in a safe space next to you may work better than just a time out chair by himself. Let him yell or cry it out. Comfort him while he is upset but absolutely do not give in to demands while he is in that space. I feel for you, it may be hard but it can get better! It may take some time to unlearn the behaviors but you have to stick to your guns and not let your 6 yr old run your household., My son is autistic and non-verbal and he is a habitual line stepper with everyone he tries. If he gets even on second of seeing someone will give into him he doesn’t leave it alone. We have to be very strict with certain things to keep it from escalating. I also recommend ABA before you medicate. ABA is super easy in the beginning because they want to get a good relationship with him so that he is happy when they come, but it will slowly turn to work for him. I would definitely try that., It’s concerning how it sounds like he’s trying to control everything around him 24/7, you both included.

There seems to be an element of manipulation to the screaming like you’re hurting him anytime he’s slightly hungry, &/or he can’t regulate his feelings at all. 

That could be something other than autism, or just normal kid behaviour getting the best of you both because you’re too tired to uphold strict boundaries.

Have there been any big changes at home or in his life? He sounds extremely clingy, maybe he just doesn’t know how to process something or get the support he needs in general? 

I also constantly hear awful things about how terrible kids tv can be for developing brains. It can absolutely cause or exacerbate behavioural problems, & create distance between parent/child if it’s getting in the way of one on one play &/or you’re being punished for not allowing them to watch it whenever it’s off. It is frankly an addiction when kids feel they NEED to watch tv & act out when you don’t give in. 

This is no life for him either, he needs help desperately. This is not something that is going to change over night, & I’m sorry that you’re going through it., I’m going with a different response. Your kid knows he can manipulate you by using these tactics, so I’d reverse roles a bit. If they are fake crying, fake cry back cause his sadness is making you sad. He’s yelling, yell back you can’t get what he wants cause he’s yelling at you. Be ridiculously exaggerated with it, but he doesn’t get what he wants with that behavior happening. Afterward, when he’s calm, talk about how that behavior is not going to get him what he wants, that people would rather avoid him than be helpful. Then show him more constructive ways of getting what he wants., We have a similar issue with our son (5-1/2 now). Ours has been tough since day 1, the nature of the problems evolved and changed, he was so delayed that we ended up being way to permissive because we felt we needed to encourage typical milestones when they seemed in reach. 

We'd get so much impractical advice from parents of typical kids too, it was as exhausting and depressing as the issues themselves.

We did end up having to move because we were in an apartment too and there was no way it would work. He would slam his feet, smash anything he got his hands on, slam his body again the doors/walls... we'd have to hold him at times to stop him from hurting himself. We got complaints from neighbors, some moved on their own, and our landlord couldn't easily demand we move so they just presented a renewal that was so expensive we had no choice but to go. We are fortunate I make enough that we were able to buy a single family.

That said, yours sounds similar to ours and I'd describe it as ""spoiled"" -- that's not a dig on you, you sound engaged, but beaten down, and you're dealing with a kid who is not typical -- 

My feeling from observing our kid vs others is that just like some fruit and bread ""spoils"" easily so do some kids, especially the ones like ours. They are just wired to recognize how to manipulate and use it for their own gain.

Our son learned similar things to yours -- fake crying while looking right at us, shouting for help, acting disrespectfully to us while asking for things or while we are helping. He's compliant for others outside the home, but alone with us it can be a nightmare.

The fake crying and hysterics -- we sit in the room with him and we do nothing else (no phone, no reading) and just wait it out... we don't raise our voice, we say ""when you're done acting like a baby, and are ready to act like a little boy again, we can do something else"". Since he wants to direct it at us it means we can move him where we want by moving ourselves there without saying anything (he'll follow us), we never demand he go somewhere because it empowers him to say no and resist, so instead we just move there and his desire to direct his feelings at us compels him to follow.

The shouting for help -- We've explained to ours what will happen if he keeps shouting for help, eventually the police *will* come, and they may take him away for a while to figure out why he yelled for help. He will probably have to stay somewhere else for a few days without us. He did it a few more times and we'd say ""We've told you what happens if you keep going, but you aren't stopping, so if they come take you there isn't anything we can do, *it's your choice*."" Then we treat similarly to the fake crying where we wait it out.

Disrespectfulness -- he'll ask for help, sometimes he'll make a mess in the process out of frustration, we'll say OK we're here to help you but we need clean this up first, he'll say no, or say ""but you made me wait to so long so it's your fault"", we stop and he needs to help clean and he needs to ask respectfully before we continue. Again, passively stopping the activity until he corrects.

Anger at not getting what he wants -- TV, games, things that aren't good for him (food or activities)... we just don't let him. Yes, it wrecks our lives to some degree, it triggers the behaviors above, but having seen the alternative it's still better.

Overall the goal is to help him recognize his situation will be worse while the bad behavior continues. We stop when he acts bad. We've also stopped rewarding good behavior, because he's learned (like your kid) that doing the thing we ask was getting a reward and it was too confusing to him to recognize the difference between doing the right thing following an hour of hysterics vs doing the right thing when asked.

From the outside we are now told we're too harsh--including by both our parents who have seen but never really lived the bad behavior-- but these people don't understand, they never have had to deal with it (and we still get it, just to a much lesser degree... we get maybe an half hour of hysterics per day vs multiple times per day before), so to the critics I say I don't care. Our son is loving and we're helping him recognize that the world will not cater to him and his parents won't either.

In another era our son would likely get spanked, slapped, locked in a room, etc... he'd probably learn from that negative reinforcement to avoid behaviors, but it would also become a technique he'd use on others. Now at least all he's learning from us is that when his normalcy stops our normalcy stops. If he wants it back, he needs to give it too. We do remind him, and we do ""olive branch"" by offering a next activity when he seems like he's stuck in a ""loop"" and can't break himself out, but it requires he act quiet/respectful before we start.

**tldr: passive resistance to the bad behaviors (do not introduce new demands), and removing ""rewards"" for good behavior, has worked for us. You act normal and you get normal, you act poorly and you get a shutdown..**, Does he go to school? What kinds of therapy he receives? This is not a typical 6 y old with or without autism. You need to find professionals for help. I don’t believe ABA will work especially with those inexperienced behavioral technicians., I am so sorry :(

It has to be so very hard.

What kind of therapies and services is he signed up for?, How do you discipline him? I would say you need help, is he getting services? Taking any meds?, I would go to the tacanow.org website. Read about it And get him assessed for gut issues. Similar thing happened to my kid. He had parasites. Got rid of a lot of issues, First of all, I know it's hard. We have been through everything you wrote down. It's worse when you're living in an apartment complex... I was scared at times that someone would call the police. 

Our kiddos are very bright. They know what to do to get what they want and what makes us react. We have to outsmart them. It's very hard at first but after some times it becomes less and less difficult.

Kids, ND or NT, want attention, good or bad. And they need boundaries that they know will stay whatever happens. They will test it to the max, but when they know the boundary won't move, they eventually stop. 

My daughter is 11 years old now and it's really better. We had to work hard, to have help from social workers and go to therapy (individually and as a family)., Came here to say, I’m so sorry. My daughter is much like this still at the age of 9. The big thing here is he’s not punishing you, he’s trying to communicate the only way he knows how to show you how he’s feeling or what’s going on inside. He’s not punishing you, it’s not fun for him. I’m no world would anyone want to act or behave in such a way that hurts their selves. He’s letting out what’s going on inside. Keep trying you will have breakthroughs even the smallest ones, they add up and you guys will get thru this., Sounds like he’s having alot of anxiety and the acts of service he’s demanding are reassuring and comforting to him and make him feel secure and loved, You already have so much great info with all the advice/comments here. I’m so sorry you’re going through this tough stage, it sounds exhausting and terrible for your family… 

Have you tried connecting with him? Like fully connecting, where you’re having one on one fun with him and are in a flow state. Even starting small like sitting next to him while he’s playing on his tablet, and just existing parallel to him. Letting him know you want to be in his world.

Kids are so smart and intuitive, they are tuned into our feelings about them. From your post you sound disappointed, overwhelmed, exhausted, discouraged (all valid, because what you’re describing is so intense and shitty (no pun intended)), but he can feel all those negative feelings, and it’s creating a snowball of him continuing to fulfill the way you’re feeling about his behaviors and both your negative feelings and his negative behaviors increasing.

I’m not an educated expert; like others have said, do get the experts involved. But in the meantime (I know appointments and waitlists take time) try to simply connect with him, in a meaningful way.

Edited to add: I am saying this respectfully to you: I think you’re expecting too much from a 6 year old with autism. In your post you said you refused to walk with him 10ft down the hall to chaperone him to the bathroom. He was communicating a need to you, probably anxiety driven (he didn’t want to be alone), maybe he didn’t like the way his internal cues were feeling in his body (Google: interoception autism), and instead of being supportive you’re trying to prove to him that he’s a big boy and can pee alone. Yes, he’s physically capable of peeing alone, but in that moment if he’s wanting you to go with him, you should acquiesce to things like that. Pick your battles. If he’s demanding drinks from you (like your post states), respond with something humorous “welcome to the polite Diner, I’m your server, and I’ll get your drink order when I hear a thank you! Okay, that’ll be $35 for a drink.” Something silly like that.., Please don't listen to the people saying that this is sociopathic or that he is doing something wrong.  Our son is 6 and he struggled with some of what you describe.  We also live with neighbors and I'm grateful that none are below us.  Our son had been self harming for a while and he was nonverbal so we felt hopeless and there are still days where we feel overwhelmed like you.  He's a gestalt learner and his language acquisition helped tremendously but the biggest thing was giving him a safe space to act out, toy dump, throw items, etc. without us reacting.  We then would check in when he calmed...like a bell curve you don't provide anything when they are at the height but then when they settle you swoop in and give cuddles (if they like it). Also the physical exercise aspect.  We bought an indoor gym on Brain Rich Kids website (it was an investment at about $500.00 but it was worth it for both kids) When we stopped giving in to his behaviors while he was heightened it changed the dynamic slowly over time.  He still gets away with more than a typical kiddo but he is showing more flexibility with each day that passes.

I know no two kids with ASD are alike(we have two with very different needs!) but in ABA (which we stopped last year when he was 5) we learned about extinction bursts.  The more you allow it to continue the longer it takes to get rid of.  Give him a safe place to act out his behaviors and talk to your neighbors so they are aware...My husband and I have had that same fear that people will think we are abusing our son and that made it harder to stay calm in the moments and encouraged us to give in.

If you have tried this and it's not working then seeking resources is the next step.  Our son isn't medicated.

TLDR:

1. Provide safe space for calming and call it a ""break"".  Any escalation redirect him to take a break and then come in when he's calm. 
2. Let the neighbors know your challenges so they can be mindful and you can eliminate that fear for you.
3. exercise (swim, you tube videos instructing with fun images, parks)

I hope you find this helpful and you're not alone!, Are there any medications a psychiatrist can recommend here? Is there a special education person you can hire that can maybe instill a little
fear and discipline? Sorry just thinking out loud., Well. As a rule goes dont raise a child you hate. Especially scince 


A if you hate your child you are potentially dooming them. Because if you receed your affection at the smallest point youll neglect them possible life saving help.



B if you dont stop these behaviors now they will only manifest into worse behaviors later



On this note this is why you need to spank your child. To save them from themselves. That way they are not forced to suffer abandonment from every possible person scince they havent had these things instilled in them. Them shitting the carpet to prove a point is just playing with social fire.what about when there older and they try something similar to some one not you Who doesnt care. Like im being agressive here but those spankings are there to save your childs life. And for future refrence your gonna jack your kid up regardless its gonna happen some how. Better it be while trying to save there life. Or in accidental minor things, The thing is, when his therapist makes recommendations for anxiety relief, such as comfort items or like an inflatable canoe to lay in. He doesn't care about those things. He doesn't give them the time of day. Or he tries them once and it like eh I don't like it., I was going to say the same. I suspect my daughter is PDA (no one in our area can confirm that but it fits the bill). She's not quite as extreme as OP's child but probably 70% of the intensity OP described. Problematically, we live in an area short on resources in general, let alone anyone who can give us expert advice on PDA autism. And we are similarly failing on our own., Oh my gosh have we tried.
But then he learns SO fast how to cheat the system and rewards himself.
He bites his tongue figuratively to not have an outburst, and then says ""I didn't scream so I want my tablet"".
Obviously we aren't just rewarding every second he doesn't scream at us, so we will tell him something like he's had enough time with the tablet again and we are back to square one., Question for you: how did your parents get you to do the activities that ultimately helped you? If you remember or have tips I would be so grateful., The fact is he is manipulating you.  No 6 year old normal child is this demanding, and you gotta show him who’s boss before this shit blows up in your face., Whoa.
This is a really major thing to bring up regarding a 6 year old. 
He doesn't hurt anybody, he's not a sociopath.
He is just exhibiting negative behaviors.
It's not as if he's plotting our death. He's generally a very excitable happy child, but he is bossy and himself doesn't understand his motives and behaviors 

That movie/book is about a sociopathic child who grows up with 0 understanding or regard for how he affects others around him and does very dark things to his pet and sibling, and manipulates the father into believing its not happening, before he murders a bunch of people.

Really, this seems like a VERY outrageous thing to say. He's nothing like kevin, Sorry, I disagree. Typical six year olds do not defecate on the living room floor as a power move. There is something else going on here, perhaps attributable to autism, perhaps something else, but if I were OP I’d be looking for as much help as I could get. I didn’t see OP mention their support system. Speech therapist to communicate needs in more acceptable ways. Psychologist or parent-child interaction therapy (PCIT). School. ABA. Developmental pediatrician/psychologist to check for comorbidities—ADHD, OCD, intellectual disability, etc. This kid definitely needs a village., I’m not sure about that . I have the feeling if my son was verbal he would be vocalizing the things OP’s child say, because many behaviors are identical, Fear is the OPPOSITE of what is needed here. This child is terrified., If he is PDA and so disregulated that he isnt using the bathroom, laying in an inflatable canoe isn't going to do anything. Maybe check out the PDA subreddit and see if it clicks. Unfortunately if it is PDA, what you have been doing is the exact opposite of how you are supposed to manage it., Maybe these particular items don’t suit his personal needs? 

My daughter loves beanbags but hates the peapod that she had at school. She loves hammocks, but not swings. She prefers weight over being tucked in. She hates clothing when some kids thrive on being clothed. 

Your son’s preferences are probably unique and may take a few different tools to try and find the correct item that suits. Either way, I’d definitely try to set something up for him so that he can have a dedicated quiet space that is safe for him to be placed in when he is feeling like this. He can burn himself out and settle or nap and be safe in a quiet space (my daughter chose a tent this year, and she has it packed full of her favourite blankets and bunnies and books, and one particular light she enjoys). If she’s in a poor mood - or even screaming down the house - she is settled into her quiet space and is allowed to come out when she feels calm. We don’t keep her in there, but the rule is that she has to be calm. Otherwise, we know in our home, that she’ll wind up back in her quiet space very quickly. There are days where she even wants one of us to stay with her, just outside the tent. 

It’s just an idea, but it could be worth exploring., Individuals with PDA can become severely dehydrated and malnourished by being able to meet their own physical needs due to a perceived demand OR power imblance. I’m not sure but this behaviour is driven by something that should be assessed by the crisis team to rule out other options and link you with appropriate support. You cannot live like this and it’s ok to call someone and say you can’t keep going and you are in crisis. This is not a situation I would allow to keep playing out. Make a call today!, I recommend what others have said: mental health crisis team, asap. 

If you could, I’d attempt to flat out ignore the screaming (as long as he’s not injured or in need of urgent care - like changing his pants and so forth). It’s definitely a power play, and he can’t scream forever. If you teach him you’ll respond every time to his screams and tantrums (and if that’s all they are - you’ll have to check and keep an eye on him) then he’ll learn fairly quickly not to do it any more. My daughter tried to pull much of the same behaviour awhile back, and I recognised it from when *I* used to do the same as a child (of course, I grew up in a household where my ASD wasn’t recognised - so I just got thrown into my room, spanked, and basically threatened with everything that the old school parenting style had back in the 80s - and I don’t recommend any of that). For my daughter, however, it was a short-lived stint (about two weeks) before she realised that her tantrums and bossiness and demanding screams over cookies or sweets were getting ignored. And this was after several hundred attempts to explain and be calm with her over this. We still get the occasional screaming fit - but they are usually now from a place of anger and wanting to control the outcome. She eventually gives up when she realises we will carry on because her screaming like a banshee  for a lollipop is exhausting work when no one will cave. If the noise is too much: ear plugs and sit in the room to monitor his behaviours until he screams himself out. Redirect when able. Underline NO as a word that is final, and be a team - nobody slips. Instill penalties if you must: if you can’t use your inside voice then I will have to take all of the cookies away for an entire week.  Or: I know you’re angry, but I need you to stop screaming by the time I count to five. If you don’t stop screaming by the count of five, then I will have to take away your tablet for the rest of the day. Or: I know you’re angry and frustrated, but you I can’t understand you when you scream like that. If you’re looking for a snack, I can make us some popcorn. Would you like to help? Or: hey dude, would you like to come outside and take a walk with me? I was thinking of heading to the park. (You’ll want to gauge what level of redirection or correction you will need to take). It can take anywhere from 4-6 weeks to correct a behaviour, too, so don’t expect it to stop immediately or after a few days. 

Of course, I wouldn’t attempt **any of this** so without a consult first. I’m sorry you’re going through this, OP. If you’re able, maybe you can redirect his temper with some quiet time or a bath, something else that can occupy him and then, when he is calm, you can then remind him that he’s still the child and needs to try his best to follow the rules., Also wondering this. Sometimes they insist they are too tired to exercise with me, or too tired to play a game or their legs hurt and they don’t want to stand up. However if something doesn’t go their way they have sooo much energy to run laps around me, kick me/objects, flip tables 😬 suspected PDA over here too, Swimming was the first thing I was really in to. My parents got a membership at a swim place and we would go for hours at a time on the weekends. Or we would go to the beach for several hours. When I was six I got in to soccer and my parents signed me up on a rec. team with my bff (this was key). Definitely nothing forced or chore-like., How is that outrageous? The child is defecating on the floor as a power move!!!! Wtf!, I don't think he's anything like Kevin. Now my take on this is not the same situation but similar enough to try to give a tiny bit of advice based on my kids' experiences. My youngest is autistic but he's a happy kid all the time, like literally all the time, but his older brother a few years back got diagnosed with ODD (oppositional defiance disorder) and used to do a lot of the things you are describing to get his way (screaming for long times, following you etc). He'd also lash out and try to hit or scratch you if it was a really bad day. It was a brutal 3 year period for us. We got him into the therapy and frankly took the meltdowns for the next few weeks until he (slower than we would have liked lol) realized that we just weren't going to give into him. If he tried to hit me I'd walk away and keep walking away. Neighbors came over because of the screaming and stuff but I had gotten his doctor to write that we were doing therapy and not actually hurting him. It was alot for a couple of weeks and still had the occasional blow up for the next few months but now 3 years later, he's a brand new kid. Doing great in school life and home life. I know the autism your son has makes his situation a little different but maybe try looking into therapy that they offer for kids with ODD. Hope things get better soon for all of you!

Edit: spelling, phrasing, It sounds like your child doesn’t care if your basic needs for sleeping and using the toilet are met or not…, We he doesn't struggle to communicate his needs. He knows very clearly what he wants and he says it. It's his delivery.
I don't know how or when he picked up this habit of barking orders at us without even looking up from his tablet.
If we don't comply he stops his game or whatever he's doing and looks at us in disbelief that we aren't dropping everything we are doing to appease him. He's appalled that we aren't anticipating his thoughts for a pb&j and already have a fresh one ready.

And he's so rude to everyone.
He interrupts everyone who's talking to us and talks to us louder than they are to dominate the conversation and if we dismiss him, he will say in front of everyone that we aren't acting like ourselves and he doesn't like it and that it's time to go.
And I know what he's doing. He's trying to get us to retreat to a place where he knows nobody can get in his way., I am not an expert but from everything I've read so far, an autistic kid does not have the kind of awareness this kid is demonstrating. Maybe one of the experts here can comment., Seconding PDA. Check out: PDA society UK and US, Declarative language handbook, the family experience of PDA, etc. The key is shifting your impression and approach and you will see changes! A key aspect of PDA is the ability to use social strategies and manipulation to avoid demands. Remember despite the challenges of the behaviors, anxiety is at the root of it. He is not choosing this behavior, he’s likely in a fight or flight response., Not OP, but can you expand on “what you have been doing is the exact opposite of how you are supposed to manage it”?, What is PDA?, Swimming is a good idea. The only activity my son actually likes. He’s 5 tho so more will be revealed. Thanks, Speech therapist helps with delivery—that is communication too, it’s called pragmatics. He sounds insufferable and for your family’s sake you need professional intervention., My daughter sounds a lot like your son. She's about to turn 5. She also scream-talks over everyone and will get violent if her demands aren't met immediately. I am constantly covered in bruises. Everyone in the house, including our 3 year old (god I feel awful for him for this), wears headphones in order to drown out some of her screaming.

I wish I had advice for you. All I can do is echo the people saying to look up the PDA profile. It's not as well understood in the US but it's still worth looking up to see if there's anyone in your area who can offer services for PDA autism. There isn't anyone in my area who knows a damn thing about it and we're struggling with trying to figure it out on our own. But at least knowing what it is gives you a starting point., I honestly don’t even think I should respond because i am not educated in psychology especially children psychology enough to tell you what you should or shouldn’t do but from my own experience working with special needs children and also having a severely autistic 5yo son who can be demanding and likes things his way.. I believe the only thing that keeps him from taking things to this extreme is my clear Non tolerance for the shit. Pry me say that I am in no way judging you. Nor am I saying that taking this stance and implementing it is not the absolute hardest thing I’ve ever had to do… but it’s saved my sanity. My household peace. My son. My relationship with my son.. and even the relationship between his father and I. Yes it’s embarrassing.. yes me being the empathetic soul that I am was put in the position of constant stress thinking about our neighbors and what they thought of us as parents or if they thought we were harming our son… then thinking about my son and his feelings and his level of comprehension due to  the fact that he was non verbal.. I constantly thought that it was a chance I was permanently traumatizing him. Looking back that shit was ridiculous. Simply creating boundaries and not allowing a very smart but also very manipulative child control and essentially emotionally abuse you is not traumatizing the child. If anything it’s teaching them a valuable lesson. The first thing I did was completely stop responding to any request (demands) that were asked in a disrespectful way or any way that crossed a boundary of mine (my boundaries were mainly my feelings being hurt and being disrespected, as well as unappreciated) secondly I had a list of boundaries as well as negative behaviors under each behavior I wrote the redirection I’d apply so that I wasn’t just ignoring my child I was teaching him the correct way to requests his wants and express his needs. Thirdly that yelling and screaming shit.. as hard as it is you can not respond to it by showing how upset it makes you, jumping to resolve the issue to quiet him, none of that. Honestly the more you act like it’s not happening and it actually sounds like a sound machine playing relaxing wave tracks the less satisfaction he’ll get. Once he realized his tactics aren’t working and the only way to get what he’s requesting is to do what was taught to him by redirections he will change his behavior. It may take  few days or it could take months but I promise you if his behaviors aren’t producing the results he’s seeking they will stop.


I apologize for the lack of grammar, ton of typos, and pure chaos that is the structure of this comment 😂 I’m trying to cook dinner and tend to my demanding child. Sending ton of love and perseverance. I also have a ton of resources like books, blogs, community services l, federal services etc so just lmk what you need!, That isn’t autistic behavior. That is just being spoiled, Of course they can have the awareness. It’s a very broad spectrum. My son told his therapist I punch and abuse him and then later said it was just to see my reaction. I don’t lay a finger on him and he’s very much autistic. Autistic children can still push boundaries or do things to try to gain control and create reactions that they want. He’s learned his screaming gets him what he wants so he’s going to continue doing it. 

It’s like Pavlov’s bell, They can, autism is a huge spectrum. Lack of social awareness can show as inappropriate behavior/lack of embarassment as well, like defacating on the floor which would be embarassing to most 6 year olds. ""If I scream, I get what I want"" isn't that difficult to connect either, plenty of my non-verbal autistic students understand that to some degree. 

Pathological demand avoidance often has a different presentation from other autism spectrum disorders - usually more manipulative behavior to get out of demands - so that's something I'd consider. Additional disorders like anxiety disorders and adhd can clash with autism symptoms and make them much harder to handle for children. 

If OP hasn't yet, they should definitely take their son to a psychiatrist. I don't know if you've ever tried screaming for several hours, but it's exhausting. Typically developing children, even if they really want something, rarely make it past an hour - after that, it can cross the line into self-harming behavior. Medication, at least temporarily, can help address his anxiety and get him calm enough for behavioral interventions to work. Otherwise, stand your ground on the specific issue and offer whatever comfort or calming strategies you have available. Weighed blankets or vests often help, lava lamps or similar visuals, it really depends on the child and an occupational therapist can help you make a sensory profile. It's also important to rule out abuse or high stress situations in other parts of his life - of he doesn't act like this when he's out of school, doesn't have a specific therapy or doesn't see a specific person, that would point towards that being the issue., Yep - he doesn't lack interoception which is a core autism trait.

This is above reddit's paygrade. PDA can also coocur with adhd, and adhd and autism can overlap with some symptoms, so arm chair diagnosing isn't the way to go here at all. The kid needs a professional diagnosis and treatment plan., Ignoring demands, putting kids in time outs- basically all traditional forms of discipline will completely backfire with a PDA kid and make it 100 times worse. The more you try to make a child comply the more they ""act out"". It's an endless cycle. Instead, if it is PDA, you have to remove all demands completely., Pathological Demand Avoidance, I’ve been monitoring this thread and it’s getting out of control with the parent shaming, medical advice, suggesting that a child is a sociopath, and suggestions of abuse. 

OP I hope you got some helpful answers here., Mental health crisis team. Idk where you are but hopefully your county has one. Then a therapist that has training in special needs and play therapy, ABA therapy (look for one that allows to you observe some sessions), and a special needs parents support group., I'm going to go against the other comments and suggest that this is extreme PDA Autism. It sounds like he is extremely anxious and trying to control his environment to handle his anxiety., Yowsers this sounds so tough. Honestly having never been in this position you are free to take this advice with a grain of salt but it sounds like he is ruling the house and his screaming, yelling etc is getting him the desired results. Get some noise cancelling headphones and don't give in! At the first teeny tiny opportunity that he is displaying the behaviour you want him to be (waiting patiently, quietly, not screaming! Etc) give him what he desires straight away and keep at it. Do not give him anything when he is screaming at you like this. If it goes on for hours it goes on for hours it's going to be tough yes but it's never going to get easier by giving in to this behaviour. If he is a smart cookie he will figure this all out pretty quick., Agree with those suggesting PDA or ODD. Therapy alone will not make this better. A psychiatrist should be involved in your care., Whoa. 

So what I’m seeing here is a kid that has learned that you guys will jump when he says jump and if you don’t, he will do what he has to to make sure you do indeed jump.. rinse and repeat. The other part is anxiety..

My oldest was a level of this from about 3-9. It was intense and I’m grateful we didn’t live in an apartment with the level of wall banging, screaming for hours, (sometimes both of us) and the door slamming he was jknown for we ended up taking doors off hinges.. multiple times. You do what you have to to keep the peace and keep them from spiraling out of control sooooo much that by the time you realize you really fucked up, it’s too late. You’ve enabled the behavior for so long you feel like there’s no way out of not doing that.. because of the living conditions, you feel like he can’t scream for long. He can’t be this upset for long periods of time.. someone will call the police. Someone will call the apartment manager.. 

But he can. And before this is over, he will. 

First and foremost? Evaluation for anxiety if you haven’t done it already. He’s going to need therapy and yes, medication. Don’t be scared to medicate. If you were dealing with this level of anxiety, wouldn’t you meditate yourself? He NEEDS medication. It will be trial and error for a while to find the right stuff. 

 Mine is 19 now. We’ve had several diagnosis follow since the autism diagnosis.. adhd, depression, and now we’re looking at bipolar disorder. Did it get easier? Sure.. but harder in other ways. That need to control every aspect of everyone around them definitely got easier. I couod evenually sleep without the door locked worried about my kid stabbing me in the face with a kitchen knife.. 

But as puberty entered the chat, things got more difficult socially and hormones played a huge factor in several aspects.. 

But the screaming stopped.  

It won’t be fast or easy, but if things don’t get better, I’d be looking into a hold at a psych unit. We didn’t make it there, but literally only because I figured if we did, he would blame me and things would be so much worse when he got out. I kinda forgot they sort meds and stuff while there. 🤷🏻‍♀️ 

I have multiple kids with autism, anxiety, adhd..  but none have ever been like my oldest. He was/is a different beast entirely. It will get better, but you gotta fight for that light at the end of the tunnel. He’s struggling, and trying to regulate himself, but can’t because he literally has no idea what to do that will help. He needs to be taught. Enabling by giving into the behavior (no judgement because I seriously understand exactly why, I’m a huge enabler to this day- I’m just explaining what’s going on) is like a bandaid.. it works for a moment but it just makes it worse the next time because he knows if he can get you guys to do the jump, he’ll also feel better for the moment.. so you guys just keep doing this either way each other until something changes. You gotta make the moves to change the behaviors. It’s a long uphill battle.. 

But it DOES GET BETTER. Keep fighting., I was basically this kid (not quite to this extent) and this is what helped- Vigorous physical activity every day. First of all it really is great for physical regulation and sleep, and secondly it’s a way to connect with my parents, friends etc. As an ADHD/ PDA kid what I really really wanted was connection- and if I couldn’t get it in a positive way I would immediately act out to get it in a negative way. For me being involved in tons of sports, swimming, climbing etc. was a life saver., This sounds like stress behaviour/dysregulation to me. Like my 5.5yo (probably autistic) acts like this when he is hungry, needs to poop, is ill, is stressed out, is tired etc. Escalating it by trying to enforce a boundary or hierarchy will just make it worse in that moment. Trying to engage with what they are saying as though it has any logic does not work in that moment. Think about how wild animals act when they are threatened - if his nervous system has kicked him into fight or flight, then he is indeed running off ""old software"" - a part of our brain that we share with our animal ancestors. He's not in his prefrontal cortex where we process speech, language, logic. His brain is basically telling him his life might be in danger and he needs to fight for his life - that's why his behaviour is so extreme.

**In the moment**:

You need to establish safety. So meet physical needs, however they are expressed (hunger - not candy - thirst, discomfort) and then focus on safety. If he is telling you that he can't be alone, then don't force him to be alone just now. Tag team in and out if you need to because this is draining AF.

Start reducing stimulus in the environment. Turn lights off/down. Remove sources of noise (turn things off/down, including stuff like fans and electrical items which make a whine if you can, offer him headphones, which he might not take.) Consider taking him to a smaller, more enclosed space, if he would find this comforting. If this would scare him more, then don't.

Use your own nervous system to signal safety. Which means - trying as much as you can to remain calm (I know that is really hard - visualising him as a scared wild animal can help here). Move slowly. Crouch to his level. Make your voice soft and slow and low. Don't argue, convince, or admonish. Say soothing/validating things e.g. about his emotions (don't promise him stuff like TV/candy/or try to persuade him to calm himself down.) Make your breathing very deep, slow, and obvious, but don't ask him to breathe. If you like, you can narrate what you're doing ""I'm taking deep, slow breaths to keep myself calm."" Or you can repeat things like ""You are safe. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. I'm going to stay with you until you feel safe again.""

Oxytocin helps. So human to human contact (again - know your own kid - if he does not want this, then respect that) like a hug, stroke, pat, squeeze.

Deep pressure can help. He might like to be wrapped in a blanket. Movement like rocking can also help - on your lap, or in a swing etc.

Other sensory inputs can help. You might offer him access to things like squeeze toys, chewy toys, a cool pack, a warmed heat pack, visual toys like those sparkle bottles, noisy toys he can press a button to make the same sound over and over again. Some children also like to spin or go upside down (though some will find this makes things worse).

Once he's calm he will probably be exhausted. So keep things calm and low and don't expect too much from him. But he might be more able to talk at this point.

**In general**:

It is probably worth trying to reduce stress/demands in the environment in general. A great resource for this is Stuart Shanker's Self-Reg and I have also heard great things about The Out of Sync Child.

The other one I love is Conscious Discipline by Becky A Bailey. You might also find The Explosive Child helpful. It's likely a good idea to take ideas like time out out of your repertoire entirely. Instead of reacting to behaviour you don't like, look to the root cause of the behaviour.

You should look into the PDA profile of autism., Long post...but I have been through this. 

I do believe ABA will be able to help you.  I know that you know that your child should not be running the show and it absolutely does sound like that is what is happening. Autism or not, children need boundaries to fulfill their need to feel safe in their environments. I know it sounds crazy, but when young children push a boundary they are testing their caregivers to see if they are in control. The funny thing about tantrums is that we actually teach our kids to have them, inadvertently. I am not talking about meltdowns, which are different. All kids will tantrum, and if we give in, they know to just keep screaming because they will break you. If you have tried to outlast the tantrum but gave up after 10 minutes...your child will understand that if they just keep acting outrageous for at least 10 minutes and you will absolutely give in. This is not the power you want to give to a little kid. 

Having said that I also had a little tyrant running my house years ago. My firstborn. I had no idea what I was doing and had never experienced healthy discipline before (I got beat...I was NOT about to do that to my kids) so I didn't understand what a boundary was let alone how to set one. I absolutely did not understand that my failed attempts to outlast her would only LENGTHEN the hellish screaming. My neighbors DID call the cops a few time (they were very kind and understanding). What helped me was getting a job as a paraprofessional in an early intervention classroom. The teacher was AMAZING and she taught me so much about behavior and discipline and I had real time practice with my students in the classroom. It totally transformed my parenting completely. Then our district had us all trained in ABA and that was just the icing on the cake. 

All this to say that you absolutely can turn this around. You just need some support from professionals who specialize in behavior modification. Also....warn your neighbors! Tell them if they are worried they can come over and make sure things are ok. That is what I wound up doing., I would involve a psychiatrist immediately and demand a medication. This isn’t a typical presentation of autism, something else is going on that is beyond therapies. I’m sorry., Stop being push overs. 

I’m probably going to be down voted to heck for this, but it’s true. Look yourself in the mirror and you will concur. If your child is as smart/cunning as you say he is (and I believe you do. YOU know your child best) he will pick up on the sudden dichotomy shift when you stand up for yourselves., Could a temporary stay at the pediatric ward of a psych hospital help break the cycle, properly diagnose him, and give them a chance to test out and dial in some heavy duty medication? This is beyond what most parents are equipped to handle. I'm not sure what your insurance is like and if that would be covered. I recommend getting videos of the most offensive behavior so when you speak to a psychiatrist they know you're not exaggerating.

Maybe the facility could get a behavioral system that finally works (akin to counting to three with consistent rewards/consquences and things along those lines) and then you maintain it consistently once he returns home? Basically, something that would stop the pattern and then do everything in your power not to give in when he returns home. Heck, I might even move apartments while he's gone if i thought it would reduce the chance of him from spontaneously reverting to his old ways (triggered by environment). Then tell him, ""sorry, this is the new house with the new rules"" and stick to whatever the new rules are (the shorter and simpler the better, of course).  I'm sure folks here would say that changing homes would make him anxious or something, but I am of the mindset that shitting on the floor is cause for drastic measures.

If not residential treatment now,  maybe he could start at a special ed school soon if you have access to one?  You do NOT want to be dealing with this level of intensity as he gets stronger in the teen years. :(  I commend you for taking it seriously now.

Do you have access to respite care for you, your wife, and your toddler? And I'm sorry to mention it, but this sounds like it has to be affecting your 3 year old significantly. The last thing you want is the younger one starting to copy all of these behaviors.

My apologies if the above suggestion sound harsh, but like you, in the 80's my dad would have just gagged us with a handkerchief everytime we screamed or maybe dumped a cold bucket of water on us, neurotypical or not. I mean, aside from (or maybe in addition to?) the beatings...it sounds like you know what I mean.  He called that sort of thing ""an attention getter"" or a ""memory aid""....as in, I bet you'll remember not to do that next time. It's a different day and age so medication and behavioral modification (with the help of professionals) are more appropriate, far less abusive tools.

Honestly, I don't know how you've made it this long without help., I'd look into wraparound services in your area. He's 6, so that's school age. Does he act like this at school??, My first thought was that it could be ODD, which tends to occur with autism. Whatever it is, you guys definitely need a professional to step in., That boy needs boundaries. 

Being autistic doesn't mean you're allowed to bully your family. 

You should not blame yourself, that just makes you feel guilty and you'll give in to his demands. 

You tried your best and your methods aren't working so well, so it's time to change tactics and set boundaries. 

He's clever. It won't take him too long to realise that his strategy isn't working anymore. 

He'll learn to use more appropriate strategies to let you guys know his needs and wishes. 

You just won't be able to do that all by yourself, you need professional help. 

Best of luck and please never feel guilty. It's not your fault and you are doing your best., This may be totally off base, but sometimes kids will act out with the people they feel safest with or trust the most when something else in their life is very wrong. A medical issue, a major change that feels out of control, high stress or overwhelming demands at school/ therapy, or mistreatment/abuse/bullying from a peer or other adult in their life. Those types of issues can be hard to articulate even for people with great language skills, and can cause big feelings that are confusing and hard to process. There might be nothing, but it can't hurt to take stock and rule things out.

This all sounds incredibly difficult and overwhelming.  I'm sorry your family is going through this., I'm sorry you're having such a challenging time. I'm replying to say thank you for sharing your experience and I'm finding the responses to your post helpful too (especially for PDA). My daughter (7) has many overlapping behaviours, including the severe need to control and separation anxiety. Screaming continuously until we go to her, even to the point of vomiting. She's trashed the house and yard countless times.
We've worked closely with an occupational therapist to help manage her sensory overwhelm; had her tonsils and adenoids removed to improve her sleep; moved schools to one where they take neurodivergent wellbeing seriously; we even use regular worming treatments (seems to improve her anger, so she must suffer a lot and not be able to verbalise); and as parents we've had to dig deep to learn how to calm down so she can coregulate without us using words.
I hope you have some breakthroughs and keep reaching out for support., Another vote for PDA here. And it’s exhausting. You have to completely relearn a new way of talking to individuals with PDA, low demand parenting (which is extremely hard if you have more than one child and they aren’t neurodivergent) is the way to go to avoid meltdowns. But it’s hard. You’re not alone., You’ll find so many similar experiences - and worse - in the PDA groups. One other thought - especially if you notice any link to being sick and behavior getting worse - or taking anti-biotics and behavior getting better - is to look at autoimmune encephalitis/PANS/PANDAS. Basically psychiatric symptoms caused by infections/immune system reactions, often chronic. This is definitely another rabbit hole to go down. Classic case is sudden onset, but there can be more chronic presentations too. Kid might still be PDA, and you need a low demand approach, but you have underlying, treatable medical issues exacerbating., Sounds like his behavior is so reinforced that he knows you don't stand a chance. There's no way for you guys to make any progress since you're in an apartment and the screaming will mostly likely get you kicked out. I'm sorry. I have some suggestions but not sure if you've already tried them., [removed], It doesn't seem like these behavior issues are autism related.  These just sound like behavior issues even a non-autistic kid would demonstrate. In fact, it feels more non-autistic. My son has these episodes where he really misbehaves and in those moments I treat him like a normal child without any special privileges. I treat him like my daughter who does not have autism. And by that I mean that I give him time out, stop listening to him and paying attention and don't pamper him. 

It's worked for us so far., My child had similar behaviors it’s very difficult to deal with.  Adding medication along with everything else we were doing (therapy, fidgets, weighted blanket,etc) finally made a difference.  Before it could go on for hours and she would hurt herself and my wife, now the meltdowns will maybe last 10-15 minutes and not be half as intense., I recommend checking out the strategies from Dr Casey Ehrlich, she describes scenarios like this a lot, and her very informative instagram page is: atpeaceparents, PDA, Does he have outside services such as ABA? If not it sounds like it may be needed. Are these new behaviors or has this developed over time? I would definitely suggest outside help and like others have mentioned ignoring negative cries for attention. No matter how embarrassing it may be. I don’t know how close your neighbors are but really if your child is autistic and yelling for attention I wouldn’t care or worry who hears as long as he is safe and his needs are met, let him yell. Hard as that may be. He will tire himself out and eventually realize he is not getting what he wants by exhibiting said behaviors. You said he is 6, I would assume he is in school? Does he display these behaviors in school? Does he have an IEP? If so to either of these questions I would see how the school handles these outbursts and ask for any recommendations? I definitely would not give attention to any negative behaviors, which might be hard to relearn if in the past he is used to instant gratification from throwing tantrums, it will take time to unlearn these behaviors. Reinforcing your role as the parent when he is exhibiting bad behaviors as in, I know you are thirsty or hungry, but we do not get what we want by screaming, when you calm down I will help you with whatever you may need. Ignoring other behaviors you mentioned, it may seem hard and he may throw a tantrum and scream. Let him. When you give in to those behaviors he knows he can continue to do so and get attention. It may be a hard cycle to break, but since he is verbal and able to communicate his needs it seems reasonable to assume he will understand if you tell him what will not be tolerated. If he won’t sit in time out I would tell him this is not acceptable, we can help you when you calm down. Making him sit down next to you on the couch perhaps, maybe putting a program on tv he likes, reading a book with him he likes, etc and loving on him until he relaxes enough to listen or gets his tantrum out his system in a safe space next to you may work better than just a time out chair by himself. Let him yell or cry it out. Comfort him while he is upset but absolutely do not give in to demands while he is in that space. I feel for you, it may be hard but it can get better! It may take some time to unlearn the behaviors but you have to stick to your guns and not let your 6 yr old run your household., My son is autistic and non-verbal and he is a habitual line stepper with everyone he tries. If he gets even on second of seeing someone will give into him he doesn’t leave it alone. We have to be very strict with certain things to keep it from escalating. I also recommend ABA before you medicate. ABA is super easy in the beginning because they want to get a good relationship with him so that he is happy when they come, but it will slowly turn to work for him. I would definitely try that., It’s concerning how it sounds like he’s trying to control everything around him 24/7, you both included.

There seems to be an element of manipulation to the screaming like you’re hurting him anytime he’s slightly hungry, &/or he can’t regulate his feelings at all. 

That could be something other than autism, or just normal kid behaviour getting the best of you both because you’re too tired to uphold strict boundaries.

Have there been any big changes at home or in his life? He sounds extremely clingy, maybe he just doesn’t know how to process something or get the support he needs in general? 

I also constantly hear awful things about how terrible kids tv can be for developing brains. It can absolutely cause or exacerbate behavioural problems, & create distance between parent/child if it’s getting in the way of one on one play &/or you’re being punished for not allowing them to watch it whenever it’s off. It is frankly an addiction when kids feel they NEED to watch tv & act out when you don’t give in. 

This is no life for him either, he needs help desperately. This is not something that is going to change over night, & I’m sorry that you’re going through it., I’m going with a different response. Your kid knows he can manipulate you by using these tactics, so I’d reverse roles a bit. If they are fake crying, fake cry back cause his sadness is making you sad. He’s yelling, yell back you can’t get what he wants cause he’s yelling at you. Be ridiculously exaggerated with it, but he doesn’t get what he wants with that behavior happening. Afterward, when he’s calm, talk about how that behavior is not going to get him what he wants, that people would rather avoid him than be helpful. Then show him more constructive ways of getting what he wants., We have a similar issue with our son (5-1/2 now). Ours has been tough since day 1, the nature of the problems evolved and changed, he was so delayed that we ended up being way to permissive because we felt we needed to encourage typical milestones when they seemed in reach. 

We'd get so much impractical advice from parents of typical kids too, it was as exhausting and depressing as the issues themselves.

We did end up having to move because we were in an apartment too and there was no way it would work. He would slam his feet, smash anything he got his hands on, slam his body again the doors/walls... we'd have to hold him at times to stop him from hurting himself. We got complaints from neighbors, some moved on their own, and our landlord couldn't easily demand we move so they just presented a renewal that was so expensive we had no choice but to go. We are fortunate I make enough that we were able to buy a single family.

That said, yours sounds similar to ours and I'd describe it as ""spoiled"" -- that's not a dig on you, you sound engaged, but beaten down, and you're dealing with a kid who is not typical -- 

My feeling from observing our kid vs others is that just like some fruit and bread ""spoils"" easily so do some kids, especially the ones like ours. They are just wired to recognize how to manipulate and use it for their own gain.

Our son learned similar things to yours -- fake crying while looking right at us, shouting for help, acting disrespectfully to us while asking for things or while we are helping. He's compliant for others outside the home, but alone with us it can be a nightmare.

The fake crying and hysterics -- we sit in the room with him and we do nothing else (no phone, no reading) and just wait it out... we don't raise our voice, we say ""when you're done acting like a baby, and are ready to act like a little boy again, we can do something else"". Since he wants to direct it at us it means we can move him where we want by moving ourselves there without saying anything (he'll follow us), we never demand he go somewhere because it empowers him to say no and resist, so instead we just move there and his desire to direct his feelings at us compels him to follow.

The shouting for help -- We've explained to ours what will happen if he keeps shouting for help, eventually the police *will* come, and they may take him away for a while to figure out why he yelled for help. He will probably have to stay somewhere else for a few days without us. He did it a few more times and we'd say ""We've told you what happens if you keep going, but you aren't stopping, so if they come take you there isn't anything we can do, *it's your choice*."" Then we treat similarly to the fake crying where we wait it out.

Disrespectfulness -- he'll ask for help, sometimes he'll make a mess in the process out of frustration, we'll say OK we're here to help you but we need clean this up first, he'll say no, or say ""but you made me wait to so long so it's your fault"", we stop and he needs to help clean and he needs to ask respectfully before we continue. Again, passively stopping the activity until he corrects.

Anger at not getting what he wants -- TV, games, things that aren't good for him (food or activities)... we just don't let him. Yes, it wrecks our lives to some degree, it triggers the behaviors above, but having seen the alternative it's still better.

Overall the goal is to help him recognize his situation will be worse while the bad behavior continues. We stop when he acts bad. We've also stopped rewarding good behavior, because he's learned (like your kid) that doing the thing we ask was getting a reward and it was too confusing to him to recognize the difference between doing the right thing following an hour of hysterics vs doing the right thing when asked.

From the outside we are now told we're too harsh--including by both our parents who have seen but never really lived the bad behavior-- but these people don't understand, they never have had to deal with it (and we still get it, just to a much lesser degree... we get maybe an half hour of hysterics per day vs multiple times per day before), so to the critics I say I don't care. Our son is loving and we're helping him recognize that the world will not cater to him and his parents won't either.

In another era our son would likely get spanked, slapped, locked in a room, etc... he'd probably learn from that negative reinforcement to avoid behaviors, but it would also become a technique he'd use on others. Now at least all he's learning from us is that when his normalcy stops our normalcy stops. If he wants it back, he needs to give it too. We do remind him, and we do ""olive branch"" by offering a next activity when he seems like he's stuck in a ""loop"" and can't break himself out, but it requires he act quiet/respectful before we start.

**tldr: passive resistance to the bad behaviors (do not introduce new demands), and removing ""rewards"" for good behavior, has worked for us. You act normal and you get normal, you act poorly and you get a shutdown..**, Does he go to school? What kinds of therapy he receives? This is not a typical 6 y old with or without autism. You need to find professionals for help. I don’t believe ABA will work especially with those inexperienced behavioral technicians., I am so sorry :(

It has to be so very hard.

What kind of therapies and services is he signed up for?, How do you discipline him? I would say you need help, is he getting services? Taking any meds?, I would go to the tacanow.org website. Read about it And get him assessed for gut issues. Similar thing happened to my kid. He had parasites. Got rid of a lot of issues, First of all, I know it's hard. We have been through everything you wrote down. It's worse when you're living in an apartment complex... I was scared at times that someone would call the police. 

Our kiddos are very bright. They know what to do to get what they want and what makes us react. We have to outsmart them. It's very hard at first but after some times it becomes less and less difficult.

Kids, ND or NT, want attention, good or bad. And they need boundaries that they know will stay whatever happens. They will test it to the max, but when they know the boundary won't move, they eventually stop. 

My daughter is 11 years old now and it's really better. We had to work hard, to have help from social workers and go to therapy (individually and as a family)., Came here to say, I’m so sorry. My daughter is much like this still at the age of 9. The big thing here is he’s not punishing you, he’s trying to communicate the only way he knows how to show you how he’s feeling or what’s going on inside. He’s not punishing you, it’s not fun for him. I’m no world would anyone want to act or behave in such a way that hurts their selves. He’s letting out what’s going on inside. Keep trying you will have breakthroughs even the smallest ones, they add up and you guys will get thru this., Sounds like he’s having alot of anxiety and the acts of service he’s demanding are reassuring and comforting to him and make him feel secure and loved, You already have so much great info with all the advice/comments here. I’m so sorry you’re going through this tough stage, it sounds exhausting and terrible for your family… 

Have you tried connecting with him? Like fully connecting, where you’re having one on one fun with him and are in a flow state. Even starting small like sitting next to him while he’s playing on his tablet, and just existing parallel to him. Letting him know you want to be in his world.

Kids are so smart and intuitive, they are tuned into our feelings about them. From your post you sound disappointed, overwhelmed, exhausted, discouraged (all valid, because what you’re describing is so intense and shitty (no pun intended)), but he can feel all those negative feelings, and it’s creating a snowball of him continuing to fulfill the way you’re feeling about his behaviors and both your negative feelings and his negative behaviors increasing.

I’m not an educated expert; like others have said, do get the experts involved. But in the meantime (I know appointments and waitlists take time) try to simply connect with him, in a meaningful way.

Edited to add: I am saying this respectfully to you: I think you’re expecting too much from a 6 year old with autism. In your post you said you refused to walk with him 10ft down the hall to chaperone him to the bathroom. He was communicating a need to you, probably anxiety driven (he didn’t want to be alone), maybe he didn’t like the way his internal cues were feeling in his body (Google: interoception autism), and instead of being supportive you’re trying to prove to him that he’s a big boy and can pee alone. Yes, he’s physically capable of peeing alone, but in that moment if he’s wanting you to go with him, you should acquiesce to things like that. Pick your battles. If he’s demanding drinks from you (like your post states), respond with something humorous “welcome to the polite Diner, I’m your server, and I’ll get your drink order when I hear a thank you! Okay, that’ll be $35 for a drink.” Something silly like that.., Please don't listen to the people saying that this is sociopathic or that he is doing something wrong.  Our son is 6 and he struggled with some of what you describe.  We also live with neighbors and I'm grateful that none are below us.  Our son had been self harming for a while and he was nonverbal so we felt hopeless and there are still days where we feel overwhelmed like you.  He's a gestalt learner and his language acquisition helped tremendously but the biggest thing was giving him a safe space to act out, toy dump, throw items, etc. without us reacting.  We then would check in when he calmed...like a bell curve you don't provide anything when they are at the height but then when they settle you swoop in and give cuddles (if they like it). Also the physical exercise aspect.  We bought an indoor gym on Brain Rich Kids website (it was an investment at about $500.00 but it was worth it for both kids) When we stopped giving in to his behaviors while he was heightened it changed the dynamic slowly over time.  He still gets away with more than a typical kiddo but he is showing more flexibility with each day that passes.

I know no two kids with ASD are alike(we have two with very different needs!) but in ABA (which we stopped last year when he was 5) we learned about extinction bursts.  The more you allow it to continue the longer it takes to get rid of.  Give him a safe place to act out his behaviors and talk to your neighbors so they are aware...My husband and I have had that same fear that people will think we are abusing our son and that made it harder to stay calm in the moments and encouraged us to give in.

If you have tried this and it's not working then seeking resources is the next step.  Our son isn't medicated.

TLDR:

1. Provide safe space for calming and call it a ""break"".  Any escalation redirect him to take a break and then come in when he's calm. 
2. Let the neighbors know your challenges so they can be mindful and you can eliminate that fear for you.
3. exercise (swim, you tube videos instructing with fun images, parks)

I hope you find this helpful and you're not alone!, Are there any medications a psychiatrist can recommend here? Is there a special education person you can hire that can maybe instill a little
fear and discipline? Sorry just thinking out loud., Well. As a rule goes dont raise a child you hate. Especially scince 


A if you hate your child you are potentially dooming them. Because if you receed your affection at the smallest point youll neglect them possible life saving help.



B if you dont stop these behaviors now they will only manifest into worse behaviors later



On this note this is why you need to spank your child. To save them from themselves. That way they are not forced to suffer abandonment from every possible person scince they havent had these things instilled in them. Them shitting the carpet to prove a point is just playing with social fire.what about when there older and they try something similar to some one not you Who doesnt care. Like im being agressive here but those spankings are there to save your childs life. And for future refrence your gonna jack your kid up regardless its gonna happen some how. Better it be while trying to save there life. Or in accidental minor things, The thing is, when his therapist makes recommendations for anxiety relief, such as comfort items or like an inflatable canoe to lay in. He doesn't care about those things. He doesn't give them the time of day. Or he tries them once and it like eh I don't like it., I was going to say the same. I suspect my daughter is PDA (no one in our area can confirm that but it fits the bill). She's not quite as extreme as OP's child but probably 70% of the intensity OP described. Problematically, we live in an area short on resources in general, let alone anyone who can give us expert advice on PDA autism. And we are similarly failing on our own., Oh my gosh have we tried.
But then he learns SO fast how to cheat the system and rewards himself.
He bites his tongue figuratively to not have an outburst, and then says ""I didn't scream so I want my tablet"".
Obviously we aren't just rewarding every second he doesn't scream at us, so we will tell him something like he's had enough time with the tablet again and we are back to square one., Question for you: how did your parents get you to do the activities that ultimately helped you? If you remember or have tips I would be so grateful., The fact is he is manipulating you.  No 6 year old normal child is this demanding, and you gotta show him who’s boss before this shit blows up in your face., Whoa.
This is a really major thing to bring up regarding a 6 year old. 
He doesn't hurt anybody, he's not a sociopath.
He is just exhibiting negative behaviors.
It's not as if he's plotting our death. He's generally a very excitable happy child, but he is bossy and himself doesn't understand his motives and behaviors 

That movie/book is about a sociopathic child who grows up with 0 understanding or regard for how he affects others around him and does very dark things to his pet and sibling, and manipulates the father into believing its not happening, before he murders a bunch of people.

Really, this seems like a VERY outrageous thing to say. He's nothing like kevin, Sorry, I disagree. Typical six year olds do not defecate on the living room floor as a power move. There is something else going on here, perhaps attributable to autism, perhaps something else, but if I were OP I’d be looking for as much help as I could get. I didn’t see OP mention their support system. Speech therapist to communicate needs in more acceptable ways. Psychologist or parent-child interaction therapy (PCIT). School. ABA. Developmental pediatrician/psychologist to check for comorbidities—ADHD, OCD, intellectual disability, etc. This kid definitely needs a village., I’m not sure about that . I have the feeling if my son was verbal he would be vocalizing the things OP’s child say, because many behaviors are identical, Fear is the OPPOSITE of what is needed here. This child is terrified., If he is PDA and so disregulated that he isnt using the bathroom, laying in an inflatable canoe isn't going to do anything. Maybe check out the PDA subreddit and see if it clicks. Unfortunately if it is PDA, what you have been doing is the exact opposite of how you are supposed to manage it., Maybe these particular items don’t suit his personal needs? 

My daughter loves beanbags but hates the peapod that she had at school. She loves hammocks, but not swings. She prefers weight over being tucked in. She hates clothing when some kids thrive on being clothed. 

Your son’s preferences are probably unique and may take a few different tools to try and find the correct item that suits. Either way, I’d definitely try to set something up for him so that he can have a dedicated quiet space that is safe for him to be placed in when he is feeling like this. He can burn himself out and settle or nap and be safe in a quiet space (my daughter chose a tent this year, and she has it packed full of her favourite blankets and bunnies and books, and one particular light she enjoys). If she’s in a poor mood - or even screaming down the house - she is settled into her quiet space and is allowed to come out when she feels calm. We don’t keep her in there, but the rule is that she has to be calm. Otherwise, we know in our home, that she’ll wind up back in her quiet space very quickly. There are days where she even wants one of us to stay with her, just outside the tent. 

It’s just an idea, but it could be worth exploring., Individuals with PDA can become severely dehydrated and malnourished by being able to meet their own physical needs due to a perceived demand OR power imblance. I’m not sure but this behaviour is driven by something that should be assessed by the crisis team to rule out other options and link you with appropriate support. You cannot live like this and it’s ok to call someone and say you can’t keep going and you are in crisis. This is not a situation I would allow to keep playing out. Make a call today!, I recommend what others have said: mental health crisis team, asap. 

If you could, I’d attempt to flat out ignore the screaming (as long as he’s not injured or in need of urgent care - like changing his pants and so forth). It’s definitely a power play, and he can’t scream forever. If you teach him you’ll respond every time to his screams and tantrums (and if that’s all they are - you’ll have to check and keep an eye on him) then he’ll learn fairly quickly not to do it any more. My daughter tried to pull much of the same behaviour awhile back, and I recognised it from when *I* used to do the same as a child (of course, I grew up in a household where my ASD wasn’t recognised - so I just got thrown into my room, spanked, and basically threatened with everything that the old school parenting style had back in the 80s - and I don’t recommend any of that). For my daughter, however, it was a short-lived stint (about two weeks) before she realised that her tantrums and bossiness and demanding screams over cookies or sweets were getting ignored. And this was after several hundred attempts to explain and be calm with her over this. We still get the occasional screaming fit - but they are usually now from a place of anger and wanting to control the outcome. She eventually gives up when she realises we will carry on because her screaming like a banshee  for a lollipop is exhausting work when no one will cave. If the noise is too much: ear plugs and sit in the room to monitor his behaviours until he screams himself out. Redirect when able. Underline NO as a word that is final, and be a team - nobody slips. Instill penalties if you must: if you can’t use your inside voice then I will have to take all of the cookies away for an entire week.  Or: I know you’re angry, but I need you to stop screaming by the time I count to five. If you don’t stop screaming by the count of five, then I will have to take away your tablet for the rest of the day. Or: I know you’re angry and frustrated, but you I can’t understand you when you scream like that. If you’re looking for a snack, I can make us some popcorn. Would you like to help? Or: hey dude, would you like to come outside and take a walk with me? I was thinking of heading to the park. (You’ll want to gauge what level of redirection or correction you will need to take). It can take anywhere from 4-6 weeks to correct a behaviour, too, so don’t expect it to stop immediately or after a few days. 

Of course, I wouldn’t attempt **any of this** so without a consult first. I’m sorry you’re going through this, OP. If you’re able, maybe you can redirect his temper with some quiet time or a bath, something else that can occupy him and then, when he is calm, you can then remind him that he’s still the child and needs to try his best to follow the rules., Also wondering this. Sometimes they insist they are too tired to exercise with me, or too tired to play a game or their legs hurt and they don’t want to stand up. However if something doesn’t go their way they have sooo much energy to run laps around me, kick me/objects, flip tables 😬 suspected PDA over here too, Swimming was the first thing I was really in to. My parents got a membership at a swim place and we would go for hours at a time on the weekends. Or we would go to the beach for several hours. When I was six I got in to soccer and my parents signed me up on a rec. team with my bff (this was key). Definitely nothing forced or chore-like., How is that outrageous? The child is defecating on the floor as a power move!!!! Wtf!, I don't think he's anything like Kevin. Now my take on this is not the same situation but similar enough to try to give a tiny bit of advice based on my kids' experiences. My youngest is autistic but he's a happy kid all the time, like literally all the time, but his older brother a few years back got diagnosed with ODD (oppositional defiance disorder) and used to do a lot of the things you are describing to get his way (screaming for long times, following you etc). He'd also lash out and try to hit or scratch you if it was a really bad day. It was a brutal 3 year period for us. We got him into the therapy and frankly took the meltdowns for the next few weeks until he (slower than we would have liked lol) realized that we just weren't going to give into him. If he tried to hit me I'd walk away and keep walking away. Neighbors came over because of the screaming and stuff but I had gotten his doctor to write that we were doing therapy and not actually hurting him. It was alot for a couple of weeks and still had the occasional blow up for the next few months but now 3 years later, he's a brand new kid. Doing great in school life and home life. I know the autism your son has makes his situation a little different but maybe try looking into therapy that they offer for kids with ODD. Hope things get better soon for all of you!

Edit: spelling, phrasing, It sounds like your child doesn’t care if your basic needs for sleeping and using the toilet are met or not…, We he doesn't struggle to communicate his needs. He knows very clearly what he wants and he says it. It's his delivery.
I don't know how or when he picked up this habit of barking orders at us without even looking up from his tablet.
If we don't comply he stops his game or whatever he's doing and looks at us in disbelief that we aren't dropping everything we are doing to appease him. He's appalled that we aren't anticipating his thoughts for a pb&j and already have a fresh one ready.

And he's so rude to everyone.
He interrupts everyone who's talking to us and talks to us louder than they are to dominate the conversation and if we dismiss him, he will say in front of everyone that we aren't acting like ourselves and he doesn't like it and that it's time to go.
And I know what he's doing. He's trying to get us to retreat to a place where he knows nobody can get in his way., I am not an expert but from everything I've read so far, an autistic kid does not have the kind of awareness this kid is demonstrating. Maybe one of the experts here can comment., Seconding PDA. Check out: PDA society UK and US, Declarative language handbook, the family experience of PDA, etc. The key is shifting your impression and approach and you will see changes! A key aspect of PDA is the ability to use social strategies and manipulation to avoid demands. Remember despite the challenges of the behaviors, anxiety is at the root of it. He is not choosing this behavior, he’s likely in a fight or flight response., Not OP, but can you expand on “what you have been doing is the exact opposite of how you are supposed to manage it”?, What is PDA?, Swimming is a good idea. The only activity my son actually likes. He’s 5 tho so more will be revealed. Thanks, Speech therapist helps with delivery—that is communication too, it’s called pragmatics. He sounds insufferable and for your family’s sake you need professional intervention., My daughter sounds a lot like your son. She's about to turn 5. She also scream-talks over everyone and will get violent if her demands aren't met immediately. I am constantly covered in bruises. Everyone in the house, including our 3 year old (god I feel awful for him for this), wears headphones in order to drown out some of her screaming.

I wish I had advice for you. All I can do is echo the people saying to look up the PDA profile. It's not as well understood in the US but it's still worth looking up to see if there's anyone in your area who can offer services for PDA autism. There isn't anyone in my area who knows a damn thing about it and we're struggling with trying to figure it out on our own. But at least knowing what it is gives you a starting point., I honestly don’t even think I should respond because i am not educated in psychology especially children psychology enough to tell you what you should or shouldn’t do but from my own experience working with special needs children and also having a severely autistic 5yo son who can be demanding and likes things his way.. I believe the only thing that keeps him from taking things to this extreme is my clear Non tolerance for the shit. Pry me say that I am in no way judging you. Nor am I saying that taking this stance and implementing it is not the absolute hardest thing I’ve ever had to do… but it’s saved my sanity. My household peace. My son. My relationship with my son.. and even the relationship between his father and I. Yes it’s embarrassing.. yes me being the empathetic soul that I am was put in the position of constant stress thinking about our neighbors and what they thought of us as parents or if they thought we were harming our son… then thinking about my son and his feelings and his level of comprehension due to  the fact that he was non verbal.. I constantly thought that it was a chance I was permanently traumatizing him. Looking back that shit was ridiculous. Simply creating boundaries and not allowing a very smart but also very manipulative child control and essentially emotionally abuse you is not traumatizing the child. If anything it’s teaching them a valuable lesson. The first thing I did was completely stop responding to any request (demands) that were asked in a disrespectful way or any way that crossed a boundary of mine (my boundaries were mainly my feelings being hurt and being disrespected, as well as unappreciated) secondly I had a list of boundaries as well as negative behaviors under each behavior I wrote the redirection I’d apply so that I wasn’t just ignoring my child I was teaching him the correct way to requests his wants and express his needs. Thirdly that yelling and screaming shit.. as hard as it is you can not respond to it by showing how upset it makes you, jumping to resolve the issue to quiet him, none of that. Honestly the more you act like it’s not happening and it actually sounds like a sound machine playing relaxing wave tracks the less satisfaction he’ll get. Once he realized his tactics aren’t working and the only way to get what he’s requesting is to do what was taught to him by redirections he will change his behavior. It may take  few days or it could take months but I promise you if his behaviors aren’t producing the results he’s seeking they will stop.


I apologize for the lack of grammar, ton of typos, and pure chaos that is the structure of this comment 😂 I’m trying to cook dinner and tend to my demanding child. Sending ton of love and perseverance. I also have a ton of resources like books, blogs, community services l, federal services etc so just lmk what you need!, That isn’t autistic behavior. That is just being spoiled, Of course they can have the awareness. It’s a very broad spectrum. My son told his therapist I punch and abuse him and then later said it was just to see my reaction. I don’t lay a finger on him and he’s very much autistic. Autistic children can still push boundaries or do things to try to gain control and create reactions that they want. He’s learned his screaming gets him what he wants so he’s going to continue doing it. 

It’s like Pavlov’s bell, They can, autism is a huge spectrum. Lack of social awareness can show as inappropriate behavior/lack of embarassment as well, like defacating on the floor which would be embarassing to most 6 year olds. ""If I scream, I get what I want"" isn't that difficult to connect either, plenty of my non-verbal autistic students understand that to some degree. 

Pathological demand avoidance often has a different presentation from other autism spectrum disorders - usually more manipulative behavior to get out of demands - so that's something I'd consider. Additional disorders like anxiety disorders and adhd can clash with autism symptoms and make them much harder to handle for children. 

If OP hasn't yet, they should definitely take their son to a psychiatrist. I don't know if you've ever tried screaming for several hours, but it's exhausting. Typically developing children, even if they really want something, rarely make it past an hour - after that, it can cross the line into self-harming behavior. Medication, at least temporarily, can help address his anxiety and get him calm enough for behavioral interventions to work. Otherwise, stand your ground on the specific issue and offer whatever comfort or calming strategies you have available. Weighed blankets or vests often help, lava lamps or similar visuals, it really depends on the child and an occupational therapist can help you make a sensory profile. It's also important to rule out abuse or high stress situations in other parts of his life - of he doesn't act like this when he's out of school, doesn't have a specific therapy or doesn't see a specific person, that would point towards that being the issue., Yep - he doesn't lack interoception which is a core autism trait.

This is above reddit's paygrade. PDA can also coocur with adhd, and adhd and autism can overlap with some symptoms, so arm chair diagnosing isn't the way to go here at all. The kid needs a professional diagnosis and treatment plan., Ignoring demands, putting kids in time outs- basically all traditional forms of discipline will completely backfire with a PDA kid and make it 100 times worse. The more you try to make a child comply the more they ""act out"". It's an endless cycle. Instead, if it is PDA, you have to remove all demands completely., Pathological Demand Avoidance, I’ve been monitoring this thread and it’s getting out of control with the parent shaming, medical advice, suggesting that a child is a sociopath, and suggestions of abuse. 

OP I hope you got some helpful answers here., Mental health crisis team. Idk where you are but hopefully your county has one. Then a therapist that has training in special needs and play therapy, ABA therapy (look for one that allows to you observe some sessions), and a special needs parents support group., I'm going to go against the other comments and suggest that this is extreme PDA Autism. It sounds like he is extremely anxious and trying to control his environment to handle his anxiety., Yowsers this sounds so tough. Honestly having never been in this position you are free to take this advice with a grain of salt but it sounds like he is ruling the house and his screaming, yelling etc is getting him the desired results. Get some noise cancelling headphones and don't give in! At the first teeny tiny opportunity that he is displaying the behaviour you want him to be (waiting patiently, quietly, not screaming! Etc) give him what he desires straight away and keep at it. Do not give him anything when he is screaming at you like this. If it goes on for hours it goes on for hours it's going to be tough yes but it's never going to get easier by giving in to this behaviour. If he is a smart cookie he will figure this all out pretty quick., Agree with those suggesting PDA or ODD. Therapy alone will not make this better. A psychiatrist should be involved in your care., Whoa. 

So what I’m seeing here is a kid that has learned that you guys will jump when he says jump and if you don’t, he will do what he has to to make sure you do indeed jump.. rinse and repeat. The other part is anxiety..

My oldest was a level of this from about 3-9. It was intense and I’m grateful we didn’t live in an apartment with the level of wall banging, screaming for hours, (sometimes both of us) and the door slamming he was jknown for we ended up taking doors off hinges.. multiple times. You do what you have to to keep the peace and keep them from spiraling out of control sooooo much that by the time you realize you really fucked up, it’s too late. You’ve enabled the behavior for so long you feel like there’s no way out of not doing that.. because of the living conditions, you feel like he can’t scream for long. He can’t be this upset for long periods of time.. someone will call the police. Someone will call the apartment manager.. 

But he can. And before this is over, he will. 

First and foremost? Evaluation for anxiety if you haven’t done it already. He’s going to need therapy and yes, medication. Don’t be scared to medicate. If you were dealing with this level of anxiety, wouldn’t you meditate yourself? He NEEDS medication. It will be trial and error for a while to find the right stuff. 

 Mine is 19 now. We’ve had several diagnosis follow since the autism diagnosis.. adhd, depression, and now we’re looking at bipolar disorder. Did it get easier? Sure.. but harder in other ways. That need to control every aspect of everyone around them definitely got easier. I couod evenually sleep without the door locked worried about my kid stabbing me in the face with a kitchen knife.. 

But as puberty entered the chat, things got more difficult socially and hormones played a huge factor in several aspects.. 

But the screaming stopped.  

It won’t be fast or easy, but if things don’t get better, I’d be looking into a hold at a psych unit. We didn’t make it there, but literally only because I figured if we did, he would blame me and things would be so much worse when he got out. I kinda forgot they sort meds and stuff while there. 🤷🏻‍♀️ 

I have multiple kids with autism, anxiety, adhd..  but none have ever been like my oldest. He was/is a different beast entirely. It will get better, but you gotta fight for that light at the end of the tunnel. He’s struggling, and trying to regulate himself, but can’t because he literally has no idea what to do that will help. He needs to be taught. Enabling by giving into the behavior (no judgement because I seriously understand exactly why, I’m a huge enabler to this day- I’m just explaining what’s going on) is like a bandaid.. it works for a moment but it just makes it worse the next time because he knows if he can get you guys to do the jump, he’ll also feel better for the moment.. so you guys just keep doing this either way each other until something changes. You gotta make the moves to change the behaviors. It’s a long uphill battle.. 

But it DOES GET BETTER. Keep fighting., I was basically this kid (not quite to this extent) and this is what helped- Vigorous physical activity every day. First of all it really is great for physical regulation and sleep, and secondly it’s a way to connect with my parents, friends etc. As an ADHD/ PDA kid what I really really wanted was connection- and if I couldn’t get it in a positive way I would immediately act out to get it in a negative way. For me being involved in tons of sports, swimming, climbing etc. was a life saver., This sounds like stress behaviour/dysregulation to me. Like my 5.5yo (probably autistic) acts like this when he is hungry, needs to poop, is ill, is stressed out, is tired etc. Escalating it by trying to enforce a boundary or hierarchy will just make it worse in that moment. Trying to engage with what they are saying as though it has any logic does not work in that moment. Think about how wild animals act when they are threatened - if his nervous system has kicked him into fight or flight, then he is indeed running off ""old software"" - a part of our brain that we share with our animal ancestors. He's not in his prefrontal cortex where we process speech, language, logic. His brain is basically telling him his life might be in danger and he needs to fight for his life - that's why his behaviour is so extreme.

**In the moment**:

You need to establish safety. So meet physical needs, however they are expressed (hunger - not candy - thirst, discomfort) and then focus on safety. If he is telling you that he can't be alone, then don't force him to be alone just now. Tag team in and out if you need to because this is draining AF.

Start reducing stimulus in the environment. Turn lights off/down. Remove sources of noise (turn things off/down, including stuff like fans and electrical items which make a whine if you can, offer him headphones, which he might not take.) Consider taking him to a smaller, more enclosed space, if he would find this comforting. If this would scare him more, then don't.

Use your own nervous system to signal safety. Which means - trying as much as you can to remain calm (I know that is really hard - visualising him as a scared wild animal can help here). Move slowly. Crouch to his level. Make your voice soft and slow and low. Don't argue, convince, or admonish. Say soothing/validating things e.g. about his emotions (don't promise him stuff like TV/candy/or try to persuade him to calm himself down.) Make your breathing very deep, slow, and obvious, but don't ask him to breathe. If you like, you can narrate what you're doing ""I'm taking deep, slow breaths to keep myself calm."" Or you can repeat things like ""You are safe. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. I'm going to stay with you until you feel safe again.""

Oxytocin helps. So human to human contact (again - know your own kid - if he does not want this, then respect that) like a hug, stroke, pat, squeeze.

Deep pressure can help. He might like to be wrapped in a blanket. Movement like rocking can also help - on your lap, or in a swing etc.

Other sensory inputs can help. You might offer him access to things like squeeze toys, chewy toys, a cool pack, a warmed heat pack, visual toys like those sparkle bottles, noisy toys he can press a button to make the same sound over and over again. Some children also like to spin or go upside down (though some will find this makes things worse).

Once he's calm he will probably be exhausted. So keep things calm and low and don't expect too much from him. But he might be more able to talk at this point.

**In general**:

It is probably worth trying to reduce stress/demands in the environment in general. A great resource for this is Stuart Shanker's Self-Reg and I have also heard great things about The Out of Sync Child.

The other one I love is Conscious Discipline by Becky A Bailey. You might also find The Explosive Child helpful. It's likely a good idea to take ideas like time out out of your repertoire entirely. Instead of reacting to behaviour you don't like, look to the root cause of the behaviour.

You should look into the PDA profile of autism., Long post...but I have been through this. 

I do believe ABA will be able to help you.  I know that you know that your child should not be running the show and it absolutely does sound like that is what is happening. Autism or not, children need boundaries to fulfill their need to feel safe in their environments. I know it sounds crazy, but when young children push a boundary they are testing their caregivers to see if they are in control. The funny thing about tantrums is that we actually teach our kids to have them, inadvertently. I am not talking about meltdowns, which are different. All kids will tantrum, and if we give in, they know to just keep screaming because they will break you. If you have tried to outlast the tantrum but gave up after 10 minutes...your child will understand that if they just keep acting outrageous for at least 10 minutes and you will absolutely give in. This is not the power you want to give to a little kid. 

Having said that I also had a little tyrant running my house years ago. My firstborn. I had no idea what I was doing and had never experienced healthy discipline before (I got beat...I was NOT about to do that to my kids) so I didn't understand what a boundary was let alone how to set one. I absolutely did not understand that my failed attempts to outlast her would only LENGTHEN the hellish screaming. My neighbors DID call the cops a few time (they were very kind and understanding). What helped me was getting a job as a paraprofessional in an early intervention classroom. The teacher was AMAZING and she taught me so much about behavior and discipline and I had real time practice with my students in the classroom. It totally transformed my parenting completely. Then our district had us all trained in ABA and that was just the icing on the cake. 

All this to say that you absolutely can turn this around. You just need some support from professionals who specialize in behavior modification. Also....warn your neighbors! Tell them if they are worried they can come over and make sure things are ok. That is what I wound up doing., I would involve a psychiatrist immediately and demand a medication. This isn’t a typical presentation of autism, something else is going on that is beyond therapies. I’m sorry., Stop being push overs. 

I’m probably going to be down voted to heck for this, but it’s true. Look yourself in the mirror and you will concur. If your child is as smart/cunning as you say he is (and I believe you do. YOU know your child best) he will pick up on the sudden dichotomy shift when you stand up for yourselves., Could a temporary stay at the pediatric ward of a psych hospital help break the cycle, properly diagnose him, and give them a chance to test out and dial in some heavy duty medication? This is beyond what most parents are equipped to handle. I'm not sure what your insurance is like and if that would be covered. I recommend getting videos of the most offensive behavior so when you speak to a psychiatrist they know you're not exaggerating.

Maybe the facility could get a behavioral system that finally works (akin to counting to three with consistent rewards/consquences and things along those lines) and then you maintain it consistently once he returns home? Basically, something that would stop the pattern and then do everything in your power not to give in when he returns home. Heck, I might even move apartments while he's gone if i thought it would reduce the chance of him from spontaneously reverting to his old ways (triggered by environment). Then tell him, ""sorry, this is the new house with the new rules"" and stick to whatever the new rules are (the shorter and simpler the better, of course).  I'm sure folks here would say that changing homes would make him anxious or something, but I am of the mindset that shitting on the floor is cause for drastic measures.

If not residential treatment now,  maybe he could start at a special ed school soon if you have access to one?  You do NOT want to be dealing with this level of intensity as he gets stronger in the teen years. :(  I commend you for taking it seriously now.

Do you have access to respite care for you, your wife, and your toddler? And I'm sorry to mention it, but this sounds like it has to be affecting your 3 year old significantly. The last thing you want is the younger one starting to copy all of these behaviors.

My apologies if the above suggestion sound harsh, but like you, in the 80's my dad would have just gagged us with a handkerchief everytime we screamed or maybe dumped a cold bucket of water on us, neurotypical or not. I mean, aside from (or maybe in addition to?) the beatings...it sounds like you know what I mean.  He called that sort of thing ""an attention getter"" or a ""memory aid""....as in, I bet you'll remember not to do that next time. It's a different day and age so medication and behavioral modification (with the help of professionals) are more appropriate, far less abusive tools.

Honestly, I don't know how you've made it this long without help., I'd look into wraparound services in your area. He's 6, so that's school age. Does he act like this at school??, My first thought was that it could be ODD, which tends to occur with autism. Whatever it is, you guys definitely need a professional to step in., That boy needs boundaries. 

Being autistic doesn't mean you're allowed to bully your family. 

You should not blame yourself, that just makes you feel guilty and you'll give in to his demands. 

You tried your best and your methods aren't working so well, so it's time to change tactics and set boundaries. 

He's clever. It won't take him too long to realise that his strategy isn't working anymore. 

He'll learn to use more appropriate strategies to let you guys know his needs and wishes. 

You just won't be able to do that all by yourself, you need professional help. 

Best of luck and please never feel guilty. It's not your fault and you are doing your best., This may be totally off base, but sometimes kids will act out with the people they feel safest with or trust the most when something else in their life is very wrong. A medical issue, a major change that feels out of control, high stress or overwhelming demands at school/ therapy, or mistreatment/abuse/bullying from a peer or other adult in their life. Those types of issues can be hard to articulate even for people with great language skills, and can cause big feelings that are confusing and hard to process. There might be nothing, but it can't hurt to take stock and rule things out.

This all sounds incredibly difficult and overwhelming.  I'm sorry your family is going through this., I'm sorry you're having such a challenging time. I'm replying to say thank you for sharing your experience and I'm finding the responses to your post helpful too (especially for PDA). My daughter (7) has many overlapping behaviours, including the severe need to control and separation anxiety. Screaming continuously until we go to her, even to the point of vomiting. She's trashed the house and yard countless times.
We've worked closely with an occupational therapist to help manage her sensory overwhelm; had her tonsils and adenoids removed to improve her sleep; moved schools to one where they take neurodivergent wellbeing seriously; we even use regular worming treatments (seems to improve her anger, so she must suffer a lot and not be able to verbalise); and as parents we've had to dig deep to learn how to calm down so she can coregulate without us using words.
I hope you have some breakthroughs and keep reaching out for support., Another vote for PDA here. And it’s exhausting. You have to completely relearn a new way of talking to individuals with PDA, low demand parenting (which is extremely hard if you have more than one child and they aren’t neurodivergent) is the way to go to avoid meltdowns. But it’s hard. You’re not alone., You’ll find so many similar experiences - and worse - in the PDA groups. One other thought - especially if you notice any link to being sick and behavior getting worse - or taking anti-biotics and behavior getting better - is to look at autoimmune encephalitis/PANS/PANDAS. Basically psychiatric symptoms caused by infections/immune system reactions, often chronic. This is definitely another rabbit hole to go down. Classic case is sudden onset, but there can be more chronic presentations too. Kid might still be PDA, and you need a low demand approach, but you have underlying, treatable medical issues exacerbating., Sounds like his behavior is so reinforced that he knows you don't stand a chance. There's no way for you guys to make any progress since you're in an apartment and the screaming will mostly likely get you kicked out. I'm sorry. I have some suggestions but not sure if you've already tried them., [removed], It doesn't seem like these behavior issues are autism related.  These just sound like behavior issues even a non-autistic kid would demonstrate. In fact, it feels more non-autistic. My son has these episodes where he really misbehaves and in those moments I treat him like a normal child without any special privileges. I treat him like my daughter who does not have autism. And by that I mean that I give him time out, stop listening to him and paying attention and don't pamper him. 

It's worked for us so far., My child had similar behaviors it’s very difficult to deal with.  Adding medication along with everything else we were doing (therapy, fidgets, weighted blanket,etc) finally made a difference.  Before it could go on for hours and she would hurt herself and my wife, now the meltdowns will maybe last 10-15 minutes and not be half as intense., I recommend checking out the strategies from Dr Casey Ehrlich, she describes scenarios like this a lot, and her very informative instagram page is: atpeaceparents, PDA, Does he have outside services such as ABA? If not it sounds like it may be needed. Are these new behaviors or has this developed over time? I would definitely suggest outside help and like others have mentioned ignoring negative cries for attention. No matter how embarrassing it may be. I don’t know how close your neighbors are but really if your child is autistic and yelling for attention I wouldn’t care or worry who hears as long as he is safe and his needs are met, let him yell. Hard as that may be. He will tire himself out and eventually realize he is not getting what he wants by exhibiting said behaviors. You said he is 6, I would assume he is in school? Does he display these behaviors in school? Does he have an IEP? If so to either of these questions I would see how the school handles these outbursts and ask for any recommendations? I definitely would not give attention to any negative behaviors, which might be hard to relearn if in the past he is used to instant gratification from throwing tantrums, it will take time to unlearn these behaviors. Reinforcing your role as the parent when he is exhibiting bad behaviors as in, I know you are thirsty or hungry, but we do not get what we want by screaming, when you calm down I will help you with whatever you may need. Ignoring other behaviors you mentioned, it may seem hard and he may throw a tantrum and scream. Let him. When you give in to those behaviors he knows he can continue to do so and get attention. It may be a hard cycle to break, but since he is verbal and able to communicate his needs it seems reasonable to assume he will understand if you tell him what will not be tolerated. If he won’t sit in time out I would tell him this is not acceptable, we can help you when you calm down. Making him sit down next to you on the couch perhaps, maybe putting a program on tv he likes, reading a book with him he likes, etc and loving on him until he relaxes enough to listen or gets his tantrum out his system in a safe space next to you may work better than just a time out chair by himself. Let him yell or cry it out. Comfort him while he is upset but absolutely do not give in to demands while he is in that space. I feel for you, it may be hard but it can get better! It may take some time to unlearn the behaviors but you have to stick to your guns and not let your 6 yr old run your household., My son is autistic and non-verbal and he is a habitual line stepper with everyone he tries. If he gets even on second of seeing someone will give into him he doesn’t leave it alone. We have to be very strict with certain things to keep it from escalating. I also recommend ABA before you medicate. ABA is super easy in the beginning because they want to get a good relationship with him so that he is happy when they come, but it will slowly turn to work for him. I would definitely try that., It’s concerning how it sounds like he’s trying to control everything around him 24/7, you both included.

There seems to be an element of manipulation to the screaming like you’re hurting him anytime he’s slightly hungry, &/or he can’t regulate his feelings at all. 

That could be something other than autism, or just normal kid behaviour getting the best of you both because you’re too tired to uphold strict boundaries.

Have there been any big changes at home or in his life? He sounds extremely clingy, maybe he just doesn’t know how to process something or get the support he needs in general? 

I also constantly hear awful things about how terrible kids tv can be for developing brains. It can absolutely cause or exacerbate behavioural problems, & create distance between parent/child if it’s getting in the way of one on one play &/or you’re being punished for not allowing them to watch it whenever it’s off. It is frankly an addiction when kids feel they NEED to watch tv & act out when you don’t give in. 

This is no life for him either, he needs help desperately. This is not something that is going to change over night, & I’m sorry that you’re going through it., I’m going with a different response. Your kid knows he can manipulate you by using these tactics, so I’d reverse roles a bit. If they are fake crying, fake cry back cause his sadness is making you sad. He’s yelling, yell back you can’t get what he wants cause he’s yelling at you. Be ridiculously exaggerated with it, but he doesn’t get what he wants with that behavior happening. Afterward, when he’s calm, talk about how that behavior is not going to get him what he wants, that people would rather avoid him than be helpful. Then show him more constructive ways of getting what he wants., We have a similar issue with our son (5-1/2 now). Ours has been tough since day 1, the nature of the problems evolved and changed, he was so delayed that we ended up being way to permissive because we felt we needed to encourage typical milestones when they seemed in reach. 

We'd get so much impractical advice from parents of typical kids too, it was as exhausting and depressing as the issues themselves.

We did end up having to move because we were in an apartment too and there was no way it would work. He would slam his feet, smash anything he got his hands on, slam his body again the doors/walls... we'd have to hold him at times to stop him from hurting himself. We got complaints from neighbors, some moved on their own, and our landlord couldn't easily demand we move so they just presented a renewal that was so expensive we had no choice but to go. We are fortunate I make enough that we were able to buy a single family.

That said, yours sounds similar to ours and I'd describe it as ""spoiled"" -- that's not a dig on you, you sound engaged, but beaten down, and you're dealing with a kid who is not typical -- 

My feeling from observing our kid vs others is that just like some fruit and bread ""spoils"" easily so do some kids, especially the ones like ours. They are just wired to recognize how to manipulate and use it for their own gain.

Our son learned similar things to yours -- fake crying while looking right at us, shouting for help, acting disrespectfully to us while asking for things or while we are helping. He's compliant for others outside the home, but alone with us it can be a nightmare.

The fake crying and hysterics -- we sit in the room with him and we do nothing else (no phone, no reading) and just wait it out... we don't raise our voice, we say ""when you're done acting like a baby, and are ready to act like a little boy again, we can do something else"". Since he wants to direct it at us it means we can move him where we want by moving ourselves there without saying anything (he'll follow us), we never demand he go somewhere because it empowers him to say no and resist, so instead we just move there and his desire to direct his feelings at us compels him to follow.

The shouting for help -- We've explained to ours what will happen if he keeps shouting for help, eventually the police *will* come, and they may take him away for a while to figure out why he yelled for help. He will probably have to stay somewhere else for a few days without us. He did it a few more times and we'd say ""We've told you what happens if you keep going, but you aren't stopping, so if they come take you there isn't anything we can do, *it's your choice*."" Then we treat similarly to the fake crying where we wait it out.

Disrespectfulness -- he'll ask for help, sometimes he'll make a mess in the process out of frustration, we'll say OK we're here to help you but we need clean this up first, he'll say no, or say ""but you made me wait to so long so it's your fault"", we stop and he needs to help clean and he needs to ask respectfully before we continue. Again, passively stopping the activity until he corrects.

Anger at not getting what he wants -- TV, games, things that aren't good for him (food or activities)... we just don't let him. Yes, it wrecks our lives to some degree, it triggers the behaviors above, but having seen the alternative it's still better.

Overall the goal is to help him recognize his situation will be worse while the bad behavior continues. We stop when he acts bad. We've also stopped rewarding good behavior, because he's learned (like your kid) that doing the thing we ask was getting a reward and it was too confusing to him to recognize the difference between doing the right thing following an hour of hysterics vs doing the right thing when asked.

From the outside we are now told we're too harsh--including by both our parents who have seen but never really lived the bad behavior-- but these people don't understand, they never have had to deal with it (and we still get it, just to a much lesser degree... we get maybe an half hour of hysterics per day vs multiple times per day before), so to the critics I say I don't care. Our son is loving and we're helping him recognize that the world will not cater to him and his parents won't either.

In another era our son would likely get spanked, slapped, locked in a room, etc... he'd probably learn from that negative reinforcement to avoid behaviors, but it would also become a technique he'd use on others. Now at least all he's learning from us is that when his normalcy stops our normalcy stops. If he wants it back, he needs to give it too. We do remind him, and we do ""olive branch"" by offering a next activity when he seems like he's stuck in a ""loop"" and can't break himself out, but it requires he act quiet/respectful before we start.

**tldr: passive resistance to the bad behaviors (do not introduce new demands), and removing ""rewards"" for good behavior, has worked for us. You act normal and you get normal, you act poorly and you get a shutdown..**, Does he go to school? What kinds of therapy he receives? This is not a typical 6 y old with or without autism. You need to find professionals for help. I don’t believe ABA will work especially with those inexperienced behavioral technicians., I am so sorry :(

It has to be so very hard.

What kind of therapies and services is he signed up for?, How do you discipline him? I would say you need help, is he getting services? Taking any meds?, I would go to the tacanow.org website. Read about it And get him assessed for gut issues. Similar thing happened to my kid. He had parasites. Got rid of a lot of issues, First of all, I know it's hard. We have been through everything you wrote down. It's worse when you're living in an apartment complex... I was scared at times that someone would call the police. 

Our kiddos are very bright. They know what to do to get what they want and what makes us react. We have to outsmart them. It's very hard at first but after some times it becomes less and less difficult.

Kids, ND or NT, want attention, good or bad. And they need boundaries that they know will stay whatever happens. They will test it to the max, but when they know the boundary won't move, they eventually stop. 

My daughter is 11 years old now and it's really better. We had to work hard, to have help from social workers and go to therapy (individually and as a family)., Came here to say, I’m so sorry. My daughter is much like this still at the age of 9. The big thing here is he’s not punishing you, he’s trying to communicate the only way he knows how to show you how he’s feeling or what’s going on inside. He’s not punishing you, it’s not fun for him. I’m no world would anyone want to act or behave in such a way that hurts their selves. He’s letting out what’s going on inside. Keep trying you will have breakthroughs even the smallest ones, they add up and you guys will get thru this., Sounds like he’s having alot of anxiety and the acts of service he’s demanding are reassuring and comforting to him and make him feel secure and loved, You already have so much great info with all the advice/comments here. I’m so sorry you’re going through this tough stage, it sounds exhausting and terrible for your family… 

Have you tried connecting with him? Like fully connecting, where you’re having one on one fun with him and are in a flow state. Even starting small like sitting next to him while he’s playing on his tablet, and just existing parallel to him. Letting him know you want to be in his world.

Kids are so smart and intuitive, they are tuned into our feelings about them. From your post you sound disappointed, overwhelmed, exhausted, discouraged (all valid, because what you’re describing is so intense and shitty (no pun intended)), but he can feel all those negative feelings, and it’s creating a snowball of him continuing to fulfill the way you’re feeling about his behaviors and both your negative feelings and his negative behaviors increasing.

I’m not an educated expert; like others have said, do get the experts involved. But in the meantime (I know appointments and waitlists take time) try to simply connect with him, in a meaningful way.

Edited to add: I am saying this respectfully to you: I think you’re expecting too much from a 6 year old with autism. In your post you said you refused to walk with him 10ft down the hall to chaperone him to the bathroom. He was communicating a need to you, probably anxiety driven (he didn’t want to be alone), maybe he didn’t like the way his internal cues were feeling in his body (Google: interoception autism), and instead of being supportive you’re trying to prove to him that he’s a big boy and can pee alone. Yes, he’s physically capable of peeing alone, but in that moment if he’s wanting you to go with him, you should acquiesce to things like that. Pick your battles. If he’s demanding drinks from you (like your post states), respond with something humorous “welcome to the polite Diner, I’m your server, and I’ll get your drink order when I hear a thank you! Okay, that’ll be $35 for a drink.” Something silly like that.., Please don't listen to the people saying that this is sociopathic or that he is doing something wrong.  Our son is 6 and he struggled with some of what you describe.  We also live with neighbors and I'm grateful that none are below us.  Our son had been self harming for a while and he was nonverbal so we felt hopeless and there are still days where we feel overwhelmed like you.  He's a gestalt learner and his language acquisition helped tremendously but the biggest thing was giving him a safe space to act out, toy dump, throw items, etc. without us reacting.  We then would check in when he calmed...like a bell curve you don't provide anything when they are at the height but then when they settle you swoop in and give cuddles (if they like it). Also the physical exercise aspect.  We bought an indoor gym on Brain Rich Kids website (it was an investment at about $500.00 but it was worth it for both kids) When we stopped giving in to his behaviors while he was heightened it changed the dynamic slowly over time.  He still gets away with more than a typical kiddo but he is showing more flexibility with each day that passes.

I know no two kids with ASD are alike(we have two with very different needs!) but in ABA (which we stopped last year when he was 5) we learned about extinction bursts.  The more you allow it to continue the longer it takes to get rid of.  Give him a safe place to act out his behaviors and talk to your neighbors so they are aware...My husband and I have had that same fear that people will think we are abusing our son and that made it harder to stay calm in the moments and encouraged us to give in.

If you have tried this and it's not working then seeking resources is the next step.  Our son isn't medicated.

TLDR:

1. Provide safe space for calming and call it a ""break"".  Any escalation redirect him to take a break and then come in when he's calm. 
2. Let the neighbors know your challenges so they can be mindful and you can eliminate that fear for you.
3. exercise (swim, you tube videos instructing with fun images, parks)

I hope you find this helpful and you're not alone!, Are there any medications a psychiatrist can recommend here? Is there a special education person you can hire that can maybe instill a little
fear and discipline? Sorry just thinking out loud., Well. As a rule goes dont raise a child you hate. Especially scince 


A if you hate your child you are potentially dooming them. Because if you receed your affection at the smallest point youll neglect them possible life saving help.



B if you dont stop these behaviors now they will only manifest into worse behaviors later



On this note this is why you need to spank your child. To save them from themselves. That way they are not forced to suffer abandonment from every possible person scince they havent had these things instilled in them. Them shitting the carpet to prove a point is just playing with social fire.what about when there older and they try something similar to some one not you Who doesnt care. Like im being agressive here but those spankings are there to save your childs life. And for future refrence your gonna jack your kid up regardless its gonna happen some how. Better it be while trying to save there life. Or in accidental minor things, The thing is, when his therapist makes recommendations for anxiety relief, such as comfort items or like an inflatable canoe to lay in. He doesn't care about those things. He doesn't give them the time of day. Or he tries them once and it like eh I don't like it., I was going to say the same. I suspect my daughter is PDA (no one in our area can confirm that but it fits the bill). She's not quite as extreme as OP's child but probably 70% of the intensity OP described. Problematically, we live in an area short on resources in general, let alone anyone who can give us expert advice on PDA autism. And we are similarly failing on our own., Oh my gosh have we tried.
But then he learns SO fast how to cheat the system and rewards himself.
He bites his tongue figuratively to not have an outburst, and then says ""I didn't scream so I want my tablet"".
Obviously we aren't just rewarding every second he doesn't scream at us, so we will tell him something like he's had enough time with the tablet again and we are back to square one., Question for you: how did your parents get you to do the activities that ultimately helped you? If you remember or have tips I would be so grateful., The fact is he is manipulating you.  No 6 year old normal child is this demanding, and you gotta show him who’s boss before this shit blows up in your face., Whoa.
This is a really major thing to bring up regarding a 6 year old. 
He doesn't hurt anybody, he's not a sociopath.
He is just exhibiting negative behaviors.
It's not as if he's plotting our death. He's generally a very excitable happy child, but he is bossy and himself doesn't understand his motives and behaviors 

That movie/book is about a sociopathic child who grows up with 0 understanding or regard for how he affects others around him and does very dark things to his pet and sibling, and manipulates the father into believing its not happening, before he murders a bunch of people.

Really, this seems like a VERY outrageous thing to say. He's nothing like kevin, Sorry, I disagree. Typical six year olds do not defecate on the living room floor as a power move. There is something else going on here, perhaps attributable to autism, perhaps something else, but if I were OP I’d be looking for as much help as I could get. I didn’t see OP mention their support system. Speech therapist to communicate needs in more acceptable ways. Psychologist or parent-child interaction therapy (PCIT). School. ABA. Developmental pediatrician/psychologist to check for comorbidities—ADHD, OCD, intellectual disability, etc. This kid definitely needs a village., I’m not sure about that . I have the feeling if my son was verbal he would be vocalizing the things OP’s child say, because many behaviors are identical, Fear is the OPPOSITE of what is needed here. This child is terrified., If he is PDA and so disregulated that he isnt using the bathroom, laying in an inflatable canoe isn't going to do anything. Maybe check out the PDA subreddit and see if it clicks. Unfortunately if it is PDA, what you have been doing is the exact opposite of how you are supposed to manage it., Maybe these particular items don’t suit his personal needs? 

My daughter loves beanbags but hates the peapod that she had at school. She loves hammocks, but not swings. She prefers weight over being tucked in. She hates clothing when some kids thrive on being clothed. 

Your son’s preferences are probably unique and may take a few different tools to try and find the correct item that suits. Either way, I’d definitely try to set something up for him so that he can have a dedicated quiet space that is safe for him to be placed in when he is feeling like this. He can burn himself out and settle or nap and be safe in a quiet space (my daughter chose a tent this year, and she has it packed full of her favourite blankets and bunnies and books, and one particular light she enjoys). If she’s in a poor mood - or even screaming down the house - she is settled into her quiet space and is allowed to come out when she feels calm. We don’t keep her in there, but the rule is that she has to be calm. Otherwise, we know in our home, that she’ll wind up back in her quiet space very quickly. There are days where she even wants one of us to stay with her, just outside the tent. 

It’s just an idea, but it could be worth exploring., Individuals with PDA can become severely dehydrated and malnourished by being able to meet their own physical needs due to a perceived demand OR power imblance. I’m not sure but this behaviour is driven by something that should be assessed by the crisis team to rule out other options and link you with appropriate support. You cannot live like this and it’s ok to call someone and say you can’t keep going and you are in crisis. This is not a situation I would allow to keep playing out. Make a call today!, I recommend what others have said: mental health crisis team, asap. 

If you could, I’d attempt to flat out ignore the screaming (as long as he’s not injured or in need of urgent care - like changing his pants and so forth). It’s definitely a power play, and he can’t scream forever. If you teach him you’ll respond every time to his screams and tantrums (and if that’s all they are - you’ll have to check and keep an eye on him) then he’ll learn fairly quickly not to do it any more. My daughter tried to pull much of the same behaviour awhile back, and I recognised it from when *I* used to do the same as a child (of course, I grew up in a household where my ASD wasn’t recognised - so I just got thrown into my room, spanked, and basically threatened with everything that the old school parenting style had back in the 80s - and I don’t recommend any of that). For my daughter, however, it was a short-lived stint (about two weeks) before she realised that her tantrums and bossiness and demanding screams over cookies or sweets were getting ignored. And this was after several hundred attempts to explain and be calm with her over this. We still get the occasional screaming fit - but they are usually now from a place of anger and wanting to control the outcome. She eventually gives up when she realises we will carry on because her screaming like a banshee  for a lollipop is exhausting work when no one will cave. If the noise is too much: ear plugs and sit in the room to monitor his behaviours until he screams himself out. Redirect when able. Underline NO as a word that is final, and be a team - nobody slips. Instill penalties if you must: if you can’t use your inside voice then I will have to take all of the cookies away for an entire week.  Or: I know you’re angry, but I need you to stop screaming by the time I count to five. If you don’t stop screaming by the count of five, then I will have to take away your tablet for the rest of the day. Or: I know you’re angry and frustrated, but you I can’t understand you when you scream like that. If you’re looking for a snack, I can make us some popcorn. Would you like to help? Or: hey dude, would you like to come outside and take a walk with me? I was thinking of heading to the park. (You’ll want to gauge what level of redirection or correction you will need to take). It can take anywhere from 4-6 weeks to correct a behaviour, too, so don’t expect it to stop immediately or after a few days. 

Of course, I wouldn’t attempt **any of this** so without a consult first. I’m sorry you’re going through this, OP. If you’re able, maybe you can redirect his temper with some quiet time or a bath, something else that can occupy him and then, when he is calm, you can then remind him that he’s still the child and needs to try his best to follow the rules., Also wondering this. Sometimes they insist they are too tired to exercise with me, or too tired to play a game or their legs hurt and they don’t want to stand up. However if something doesn’t go their way they have sooo much energy to run laps around me, kick me/objects, flip tables 😬 suspected PDA over here too, Swimming was the first thing I was really in to. My parents got a membership at a swim place and we would go for hours at a time on the weekends. Or we would go to the beach for several hours. When I was six I got in to soccer and my parents signed me up on a rec. team with my bff (this was key). Definitely nothing forced or chore-like., How is that outrageous? The child is defecating on the floor as a power move!!!! Wtf!, I don't think he's anything like Kevin. Now my take on this is not the same situation but similar enough to try to give a tiny bit of advice based on my kids' experiences. My youngest is autistic but he's a happy kid all the time, like literally all the time, but his older brother a few years back got diagnosed with ODD (oppositional defiance disorder) and used to do a lot of the things you are describing to get his way (screaming for long times, following you etc). He'd also lash out and try to hit or scratch you if it was a really bad day. It was a brutal 3 year period for us. We got him into the therapy and frankly took the meltdowns for the next few weeks until he (slower than we would have liked lol) realized that we just weren't going to give into him. If he tried to hit me I'd walk away and keep walking away. Neighbors came over because of the screaming and stuff but I had gotten his doctor to write that we were doing therapy and not actually hurting him. It was alot for a couple of weeks and still had the occasional blow up for the next few months but now 3 years later, he's a brand new kid. Doing great in school life and home life. I know the autism your son has makes his situation a little different but maybe try looking into therapy that they offer for kids with ODD. Hope things get better soon for all of you!

Edit: spelling, phrasing, It sounds like your child doesn’t care if your basic needs for sleeping and using the toilet are met or not…, We he doesn't struggle to communicate his needs. He knows very clearly what he wants and he says it. It's his delivery.
I don't know how or when he picked up this habit of barking orders at us without even looking up from his tablet.
If we don't comply he stops his game or whatever he's doing and looks at us in disbelief that we aren't dropping everything we are doing to appease him. He's appalled that we aren't anticipating his thoughts for a pb&j and already have a fresh one ready.

And he's so rude to everyone.
He interrupts everyone who's talking to us and talks to us louder than they are to dominate the conversation and if we dismiss him, he will say in front of everyone that we aren't acting like ourselves and he doesn't like it and that it's time to go.
And I know what he's doing. He's trying to get us to retreat to a place where he knows nobody can get in his way., I am not an expert but from everything I've read so far, an autistic kid does not have the kind of awareness this kid is demonstrating. Maybe one of the experts here can comment., Seconding PDA. Check out: PDA society UK and US, Declarative language handbook, the family experience of PDA, etc. The key is shifting your impression and approach and you will see changes! A key aspect of PDA is the ability to use social strategies and manipulation to avoid demands. Remember despite the challenges of the behaviors, anxiety is at the root of it. He is not choosing this behavior, he’s likely in a fight or flight response., Not OP, but can you expand on “what you have been doing is the exact opposite of how you are supposed to manage it”?, What is PDA?, Swimming is a good idea. The only activity my son actually likes. He’s 5 tho so more will be revealed. Thanks, Speech therapist helps with delivery—that is communication too, it’s called pragmatics. He sounds insufferable and for your family’s sake you need professional intervention., My daughter sounds a lot like your son. She's about to turn 5. She also scream-talks over everyone and will get violent if her demands aren't met immediately. I am constantly covered in bruises. Everyone in the house, including our 3 year old (god I feel awful for him for this), wears headphones in order to drown out some of her screaming.

I wish I had advice for you. All I can do is echo the people saying to look up the PDA profile. It's not as well understood in the US but it's still worth looking up to see if there's anyone in your area who can offer services for PDA autism. There isn't anyone in my area who knows a damn thing about it and we're struggling with trying to figure it out on our own. But at least knowing what it is gives you a starting point., I honestly don’t even think I should respond because i am not educated in psychology especially children psychology enough to tell you what you should or shouldn’t do but from my own experience working with special needs children and also having a severely autistic 5yo son who can be demanding and likes things his way.. I believe the only thing that keeps him from taking things to this extreme is my clear Non tolerance for the shit. Pry me say that I am in no way judging you. Nor am I saying that taking this stance and implementing it is not the absolute hardest thing I’ve ever had to do… but it’s saved my sanity. My household peace. My son. My relationship with my son.. and even the relationship between his father and I. Yes it’s embarrassing.. yes me being the empathetic soul that I am was put in the position of constant stress thinking about our neighbors and what they thought of us as parents or if they thought we were harming our son… then thinking about my son and his feelings and his level of comprehension due to  the fact that he was non verbal.. I constantly thought that it was a chance I was permanently traumatizing him. Looking back that shit was ridiculous. Simply creating boundaries and not allowing a very smart but also very manipulative child control and essentially emotionally abuse you is not traumatizing the child. If anything it’s teaching them a valuable lesson. The first thing I did was completely stop responding to any request (demands) that were asked in a disrespectful way or any way that crossed a boundary of mine (my boundaries were mainly my feelings being hurt and being disrespected, as well as unappreciated) secondly I had a list of boundaries as well as negative behaviors under each behavior I wrote the redirection I’d apply so that I wasn’t just ignoring my child I was teaching him the correct way to requests his wants and express his needs. Thirdly that yelling and screaming shit.. as hard as it is you can not respond to it by showing how upset it makes you, jumping to resolve the issue to quiet him, none of that. Honestly the more you act like it’s not happening and it actually sounds like a sound machine playing relaxing wave tracks the less satisfaction he’ll get. Once he realized his tactics aren’t working and the only way to get what he’s requesting is to do what was taught to him by redirections he will change his behavior. It may take  few days or it could take months but I promise you if his behaviors aren’t producing the results he’s seeking they will stop.


I apologize for the lack of grammar, ton of typos, and pure chaos that is the structure of this comment 😂 I’m trying to cook dinner and tend to my demanding child. Sending ton of love and perseverance. I also have a ton of resources like books, blogs, community services l, federal services etc so just lmk what you need!, That isn’t autistic behavior. That is just being spoiled, Of course they can have the awareness. It’s a very broad spectrum. My son told his therapist I punch and abuse him and then later said it was just to see my reaction. I don’t lay a finger on him and he’s very much autistic. Autistic children can still push boundaries or do things to try to gain control and create reactions that they want. He’s learned his screaming gets him what he wants so he’s going to continue doing it. 

It’s like Pavlov’s bell, They can, autism is a huge spectrum. Lack of social awareness can show as inappropriate behavior/lack of embarassment as well, like defacating on the floor which would be embarassing to most 6 year olds. ""If I scream, I get what I want"" isn't that difficult to connect either, plenty of my non-verbal autistic students understand that to some degree. 

Pathological demand avoidance often has a different presentation from other autism spectrum disorders - usually more manipulative behavior to get out of demands - so that's something I'd consider. Additional disorders like anxiety disorders and adhd can clash with autism symptoms and make them much harder to handle for children. 

If OP hasn't yet, they should definitely take their son to a psychiatrist. I don't know if you've ever tried screaming for several hours, but it's exhausting. Typically developing children, even if they really want something, rarely make it past an hour - after that, it can cross the line into self-harming behavior. Medication, at least temporarily, can help address his anxiety and get him calm enough for behavioral interventions to work. Otherwise, stand your ground on the specific issue and offer whatever comfort or calming strategies you have available. Weighed blankets or vests often help, lava lamps or similar visuals, it really depends on the child and an occupational therapist can help you make a sensory profile. It's also important to rule out abuse or high stress situations in other parts of his life - of he doesn't act like this when he's out of school, doesn't have a specific therapy or doesn't see a specific person, that would point towards that being the issue., Yep - he doesn't lack interoception which is a core autism trait.

This is above reddit's paygrade. PDA can also coocur with adhd, and adhd and autism can overlap with some symptoms, so arm chair diagnosing isn't the way to go here at all. The kid needs a professional diagnosis and treatment plan., Ignoring demands, putting kids in time outs- basically all traditional forms of discipline will completely backfire with a PDA kid and make it 100 times worse. The more you try to make a child comply the more they ""act out"". It's an endless cycle. Instead, if it is PDA, you have to remove all demands completely., Pathological Demand Avoidance, I’ve been monitoring this thread and it’s getting out of control with the parent shaming, medical advice, suggesting that a child is a sociopath, and suggestions of abuse. 

OP I hope you got some helpful answers here., Mental health crisis team. Idk where you are but hopefully your county has one. Then a therapist that has training in special needs and play therapy, ABA therapy (look for one that allows to you observe some sessions), and a special needs parents support group., I'm going to go against the other comments and suggest that this is extreme PDA Autism. It sounds like he is extremely anxious and trying to control his environment to handle his anxiety., Yowsers this sounds so tough. Honestly having never been in this position you are free to take this advice with a grain of salt but it sounds like he is ruling the house and his screaming, yelling etc is getting him the desired results. Get some noise cancelling headphones and don't give in! At the first teeny tiny opportunity that he is displaying the behaviour you want him to be (waiting patiently, quietly, not screaming! Etc) give him what he desires straight away and keep at it. Do not give him anything when he is screaming at you like this. If it goes on for hours it goes on for hours it's going to be tough yes but it's never going to get easier by giving in to this behaviour. If he is a smart cookie he will figure this all out pretty quick., Agree with those suggesting PDA or ODD. Therapy alone will not make this better. A psychiatrist should be involved in your care., Whoa. 

So what I’m seeing here is a kid that has learned that you guys will jump when he says jump and if you don’t, he will do what he has to to make sure you do indeed jump.. rinse and repeat. The other part is anxiety..

My oldest was a level of this from about 3-9. It was intense and I’m grateful we didn’t live in an apartment with the level of wall banging, screaming for hours, (sometimes both of us) and the door slamming he was jknown for we ended up taking doors off hinges.. multiple times. You do what you have to to keep the peace and keep them from spiraling out of control sooooo much that by the time you realize you really fucked up, it’s too late. You’ve enabled the behavior for so long you feel like there’s no way out of not doing that.. because of the living conditions, you feel like he can’t scream for long. He can’t be this upset for long periods of time.. someone will call the police. Someone will call the apartment manager.. 

But he can. And before this is over, he will. 

First and foremost? Evaluation for anxiety if you haven’t done it already. He’s going to need therapy and yes, medication. Don’t be scared to medicate. If you were dealing with this level of anxiety, wouldn’t you meditate yourself? He NEEDS medication. It will be trial and error for a while to find the right stuff. 

 Mine is 19 now. We’ve had several diagnosis follow since the autism diagnosis.. adhd, depression, and now we’re looking at bipolar disorder. Did it get easier? Sure.. but harder in other ways. That need to control every aspect of everyone around them definitely got easier. I couod evenually sleep without the door locked worried about my kid stabbing me in the face with a kitchen knife.. 

But as puberty entered the chat, things got more difficult socially and hormones played a huge factor in several aspects.. 

But the screaming stopped.  

It won’t be fast or easy, but if things don’t get better, I’d be looking into a hold at a psych unit. We didn’t make it there, but literally only because I figured if we did, he would blame me and things would be so much worse when he got out. I kinda forgot they sort meds and stuff while there. 🤷🏻‍♀️ 

I have multiple kids with autism, anxiety, adhd..  but none have ever been like my oldest. He was/is a different beast entirely. It will get better, but you gotta fight for that light at the end of the tunnel. He’s struggling, and trying to regulate himself, but can’t because he literally has no idea what to do that will help. He needs to be taught. Enabling by giving into the behavior (no judgement because I seriously understand exactly why, I’m a huge enabler to this day- I’m just explaining what’s going on) is like a bandaid.. it works for a moment but it just makes it worse the next time because he knows if he can get you guys to do the jump, he’ll also feel better for the moment.. so you guys just keep doing this either way each other until something changes. You gotta make the moves to change the behaviors. It’s a long uphill battle.. 

But it DOES GET BETTER. Keep fighting., I was basically this kid (not quite to this extent) and this is what helped- Vigorous physical activity every day. First of all it really is great for physical regulation and sleep, and secondly it’s a way to connect with my parents, friends etc. As an ADHD/ PDA kid what I really really wanted was connection- and if I couldn’t get it in a positive way I would immediately act out to get it in a negative way. For me being involved in tons of sports, swimming, climbing etc. was a life saver., This sounds like stress behaviour/dysregulation to me. Like my 5.5yo (probably autistic) acts like this when he is hungry, needs to poop, is ill, is stressed out, is tired etc. Escalating it by trying to enforce a boundary or hierarchy will just make it worse in that moment. Trying to engage with what they are saying as though it has any logic does not work in that moment. Think about how wild animals act when they are threatened - if his nervous system has kicked him into fight or flight, then he is indeed running off ""old software"" - a part of our brain that we share with our animal ancestors. He's not in his prefrontal cortex where we process speech, language, logic. His brain is basically telling him his life might be in danger and he needs to fight for his life - that's why his behaviour is so extreme.

**In the moment**:

You need to establish safety. So meet physical needs, however they are expressed (hunger - not candy - thirst, discomfort) and then focus on safety. If he is telling you that he can't be alone, then don't force him to be alone just now. Tag team in and out if you need to because this is draining AF.

Start reducing stimulus in the environment. Turn lights off/down. Remove sources of noise (turn things off/down, including stuff like fans and electrical items which make a whine if you can, offer him headphones, which he might not take.) Consider taking him to a smaller, more enclosed space, if he would find this comforting. If this would scare him more, then don't.

Use your own nervous system to signal safety. Which means - trying as much as you can to remain calm (I know that is really hard - visualising him as a scared wild animal can help here). Move slowly. Crouch to his level. Make your voice soft and slow and low. Don't argue, convince, or admonish. Say soothing/validating things e.g. about his emotions (don't promise him stuff like TV/candy/or try to persuade him to calm himself down.) Make your breathing very deep, slow, and obvious, but don't ask him to breathe. If you like, you can narrate what you're doing ""I'm taking deep, slow breaths to keep myself calm."" Or you can repeat things like ""You are safe. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. I'm going to stay with you until you feel safe again.""

Oxytocin helps. So human to human contact (again - know your own kid - if he does not want this, then respect that) like a hug, stroke, pat, squeeze.

Deep pressure can help. He might like to be wrapped in a blanket. Movement like rocking can also help - on your lap, or in a swing etc.

Other sensory inputs can help. You might offer him access to things like squeeze toys, chewy toys, a cool pack, a warmed heat pack, visual toys like those sparkle bottles, noisy toys he can press a button to make the same sound over and over again. Some children also like to spin or go upside down (though some will find this makes things worse).

Once he's calm he will probably be exhausted. So keep things calm and low and don't expect too much from him. But he might be more able to talk at this point.

**In general**:

It is probably worth trying to reduce stress/demands in the environment in general. A great resource for this is Stuart Shanker's Self-Reg and I have also heard great things about The Out of Sync Child.

The other one I love is Conscious Discipline by Becky A Bailey. You might also find The Explosive Child helpful. It's likely a good idea to take ideas like time out out of your repertoire entirely. Instead of reacting to behaviour you don't like, look to the root cause of the behaviour.

You should look into the PDA profile of autism., Long post...but I have been through this. 

I do believe ABA will be able to help you.  I know that you know that your child should not be running the show and it absolutely does sound like that is what is happening. Autism or not, children need boundaries to fulfill their need to feel safe in their environments. I know it sounds crazy, but when young children push a boundary they are testing their caregivers to see if they are in control. The funny thing about tantrums is that we actually teach our kids to have them, inadvertently. I am not talking about meltdowns, which are different. All kids will tantrum, and if we give in, they know to just keep screaming because they will break you. If you have tried to outlast the tantrum but gave up after 10 minutes...your child will understand that if they just keep acting outrageous for at least 10 minutes and you will absolutely give in. This is not the power you want to give to a little kid. 

Having said that I also had a little tyrant running my house years ago. My firstborn. I had no idea what I was doing and had never experienced healthy discipline before (I got beat...I was NOT about to do that to my kids) so I didn't understand what a boundary was let alone how to set one. I absolutely did not understand that my failed attempts to outlast her would only LENGTHEN the hellish screaming. My neighbors DID call the cops a few time (they were very kind and understanding). What helped me was getting a job as a paraprofessional in an early intervention classroom. The teacher was AMAZING and she taught me so much about behavior and discipline and I had real time practice with my students in the classroom. It totally transformed my parenting completely. Then our district had us all trained in ABA and that was just the icing on the cake. 

All this to say that you absolutely can turn this around. You just need some support from professionals who specialize in behavior modification. Also....warn your neighbors! Tell them if they are worried they can come over and make sure things are ok. That is what I wound up doing., I would involve a psychiatrist immediately and demand a medication. This isn’t a typical presentation of autism, something else is going on that is beyond therapies. I’m sorry., Stop being push overs. 

I’m probably going to be down voted to heck for this, but it’s true. Look yourself in the mirror and you will concur. If your child is as smart/cunning as you say he is (and I believe you do. YOU know your child best) he will pick up on the sudden dichotomy shift when you stand up for yourselves., Could a temporary stay at the pediatric ward of a psych hospital help break the cycle, properly diagnose him, and give them a chance to test out and dial in some heavy duty medication? This is beyond what most parents are equipped to handle. I'm not sure what your insurance is like and if that would be covered. I recommend getting videos of the most offensive behavior so when you speak to a psychiatrist they know you're not exaggerating.

Maybe the facility could get a behavioral system that finally works (akin to counting to three with consistent rewards/consquences and things along those lines) and then you maintain it consistently once he returns home? Basically, something that would stop the pattern and then do everything in your power not to give in when he returns home. Heck, I might even move apartments while he's gone if i thought it would reduce the chance of him from spontaneously reverting to his old ways (triggered by environment). Then tell him, ""sorry, this is the new house with the new rules"" and stick to whatever the new rules are (the shorter and simpler the better, of course).  I'm sure folks here would say that changing homes would make him anxious or something, but I am of the mindset that shitting on the floor is cause for drastic measures.

If not residential treatment now,  maybe he could start at a special ed school soon if you have access to one?  You do NOT want to be dealing with this level of intensity as he gets stronger in the teen years. :(  I commend you for taking it seriously now.

Do you have access to respite care for you, your wife, and your toddler? And I'm sorry to mention it, but this sounds like it has to be affecting your 3 year old significantly. The last thing you want is the younger one starting to copy all of these behaviors.

My apologies if the above suggestion sound harsh, but like you, in the 80's my dad would have just gagged us with a handkerchief everytime we screamed or maybe dumped a cold bucket of water on us, neurotypical or not. I mean, aside from (or maybe in addition to?) the beatings...it sounds like you know what I mean.  He called that sort of thing ""an attention getter"" or a ""memory aid""....as in, I bet you'll remember not to do that next time. It's a different day and age so medication and behavioral modification (with the help of professionals) are more appropriate, far less abusive tools.

Honestly, I don't know how you've made it this long without help., I'd look into wraparound services in your area. He's 6, so that's school age. Does he act like this at school??, My first thought was that it could be ODD, which tends to occur with autism. Whatever it is, you guys definitely need a professional to step in., That boy needs boundaries. 

Being autistic doesn't mean you're allowed to bully your family. 

You should not blame yourself, that just makes you feel guilty and you'll give in to his demands. 

You tried your best and your methods aren't working so well, so it's time to change tactics and set boundaries. 

He's clever. It won't take him too long to realise that his strategy isn't working anymore. 

He'll learn to use more appropriate strategies to let you guys know his needs and wishes. 

You just won't be able to do that all by yourself, you need professional help. 

Best of luck and please never feel guilty. It's not your fault and you are doing your best., This may be totally off base, but sometimes kids will act out with the people they feel safest with or trust the most when something else in their life is very wrong. A medical issue, a major change that feels out of control, high stress or overwhelming demands at school/ therapy, or mistreatment/abuse/bullying from a peer or other adult in their life. Those types of issues can be hard to articulate even for people with great language skills, and can cause big feelings that are confusing and hard to process. There might be nothing, but it can't hurt to take stock and rule things out.

This all sounds incredibly difficult and overwhelming.  I'm sorry your family is going through this., I'm sorry you're having such a challenging time. I'm replying to say thank you for sharing your experience and I'm finding the responses to your post helpful too (especially for PDA). My daughter (7) has many overlapping behaviours, including the severe need to control and separation anxiety. Screaming continuously until we go to her, even to the point of vomiting. She's trashed the house and yard countless times.
We've worked closely with an occupational therapist to help manage her sensory overwhelm; had her tonsils and adenoids removed to improve her sleep; moved schools to one where they take neurodivergent wellbeing seriously; we even use regular worming treatments (seems to improve her anger, so she must suffer a lot and not be able to verbalise); and as parents we've had to dig deep to learn how to calm down so she can coregulate without us using words.
I hope you have some breakthroughs and keep reaching out for support., Another vote for PDA here. And it’s exhausting. You have to completely relearn a new way of talking to individuals with PDA, low demand parenting (which is extremely hard if you have more than one child and they aren’t neurodivergent) is the way to go to avoid meltdowns. But it’s hard. You’re not alone., You’ll find so many similar experiences - and worse - in the PDA groups. One other thought - especially if you notice any link to being sick and behavior getting worse - or taking anti-biotics and behavior getting better - is to look at autoimmune encephalitis/PANS/PANDAS. Basically psychiatric symptoms caused by infections/immune system reactions, often chronic. This is definitely another rabbit hole to go down. Classic case is sudden onset, but there can be more chronic presentations too. Kid might still be PDA, and you need a low demand approach, but you have underlying, treatable medical issues exacerbating., Sounds like his behavior is so reinforced that he knows you don't stand a chance. There's no way for you guys to make any progress since you're in an apartment and the screaming will mostly likely get you kicked out. I'm sorry. I have some suggestions but not sure if you've already tried them., [removed], It doesn't seem like these behavior issues are autism related.  These just sound like behavior issues even a non-autistic kid would demonstrate. In fact, it feels more non-autistic. My son has these episodes where he really misbehaves and in those moments I treat him like a normal child without any special privileges. I treat him like my daughter who does not have autism. And by that I mean that I give him time out, stop listening to him and paying attention and don't pamper him. 

It's worked for us so far., My child had similar behaviors it’s very difficult to deal with.  Adding medication along with everything else we were doing (therapy, fidgets, weighted blanket,etc) finally made a difference.  Before it could go on for hours and she would hurt herself and my wife, now the meltdowns will maybe last 10-15 minutes and not be half as intense., I recommend checking out the strategies from Dr Casey Ehrlich, she describes scenarios like this a lot, and her very informative instagram page is: atpeaceparents, PDA, Does he have outside services such as ABA? If not it sounds like it may be needed. Are these new behaviors or has this developed over time? I would definitely suggest outside help and like others have mentioned ignoring negative cries for attention. No matter how embarrassing it may be. I don’t know how close your neighbors are but really if your child is autistic and yelling for attention I wouldn’t care or worry who hears as long as he is safe and his needs are met, let him yell. Hard as that may be. He will tire himself out and eventually realize he is not getting what he wants by exhibiting said behaviors. You said he is 6, I would assume he is in school? Does he display these behaviors in school? Does he have an IEP? If so to either of these questions I would see how the school handles these outbursts and ask for any recommendations? I definitely would not give attention to any negative behaviors, which might be hard to relearn if in the past he is used to instant gratification from throwing tantrums, it will take time to unlearn these behaviors. Reinforcing your role as the parent when he is exhibiting bad behaviors as in, I know you are thirsty or hungry, but we do not get what we want by screaming, when you calm down I will help you with whatever you may need. Ignoring other behaviors you mentioned, it may seem hard and he may throw a tantrum and scream. Let him. When you give in to those behaviors he knows he can continue to do so and get attention. It may be a hard cycle to break, but since he is verbal and able to communicate his needs it seems reasonable to assume he will understand if you tell him what will not be tolerated. If he won’t sit in time out I would tell him this is not acceptable, we can help you when you calm down. Making him sit down next to you on the couch perhaps, maybe putting a program on tv he likes, reading a book with him he likes, etc and loving on him until he relaxes enough to listen or gets his tantrum out his system in a safe space next to you may work better than just a time out chair by himself. Let him yell or cry it out. Comfort him while he is upset but absolutely do not give in to demands while he is in that space. I feel for you, it may be hard but it can get better! It may take some time to unlearn the behaviors but you have to stick to your guns and not let your 6 yr old run your household., My son is autistic and non-verbal and he is a habitual line stepper with everyone he tries. If he gets even on second of seeing someone will give into him he doesn’t leave it alone. We have to be very strict with certain things to keep it from escalating. I also recommend ABA before you medicate. ABA is super easy in the beginning because they want to get a good relationship with him so that he is happy when they come, but it will slowly turn to work for him. I would definitely try that., It’s concerning how it sounds like he’s trying to control everything around him 24/7, you both included.

There seems to be an element of manipulation to the screaming like you’re hurting him anytime he’s slightly hungry, &/or he can’t regulate his feelings at all. 

That could be something other than autism, or just normal kid behaviour getting the best of you both because you’re too tired to uphold strict boundaries.

Have there been any big changes at home or in his life? He sounds extremely clingy, maybe he just doesn’t know how to process something or get the support he needs in general? 

I also constantly hear awful things about how terrible kids tv can be for developing brains. It can absolutely cause or exacerbate behavioural problems, & create distance between parent/child if it’s getting in the way of one on one play &/or you’re being punished for not allowing them to watch it whenever it’s off. It is frankly an addiction when kids feel they NEED to watch tv & act out when you don’t give in. 

This is no life for him either, he needs help desperately. This is not something that is going to change over night, & I’m sorry that you’re going through it., I’m going with a different response. Your kid knows he can manipulate you by using these tactics, so I’d reverse roles a bit. If they are fake crying, fake cry back cause his sadness is making you sad. He’s yelling, yell back you can’t get what he wants cause he’s yelling at you. Be ridiculously exaggerated with it, but he doesn’t get what he wants with that behavior happening. Afterward, when he’s calm, talk about how that behavior is not going to get him what he wants, that people would rather avoid him than be helpful. Then show him more constructive ways of getting what he wants., We have a similar issue with our son (5-1/2 now). Ours has been tough since day 1, the nature of the problems evolved and changed, he was so delayed that we ended up being way to permissive because we felt we needed to encourage typical milestones when they seemed in reach. 

We'd get so much impractical advice from parents of typical kids too, it was as exhausting and depressing as the issues themselves.

We did end up having to move because we were in an apartment too and there was no way it would work. He would slam his feet, smash anything he got his hands on, slam his body again the doors/walls... we'd have to hold him at times to stop him from hurting himself. We got complaints from neighbors, some moved on their own, and our landlord couldn't easily demand we move so they just presented a renewal that was so expensive we had no choice but to go. We are fortunate I make enough that we were able to buy a single family.

That said, yours sounds similar to ours and I'd describe it as ""spoiled"" -- that's not a dig on you, you sound engaged, but beaten down, and you're dealing with a kid who is not typical -- 

My feeling from observing our kid vs others is that just like some fruit and bread ""spoils"" easily so do some kids, especially the ones like ours. They are just wired to recognize how to manipulate and use it for their own gain.

Our son learned similar things to yours -- fake crying while looking right at us, shouting for help, acting disrespectfully to us while asking for things or while we are helping. He's compliant for others outside the home, but alone with us it can be a nightmare.

The fake crying and hysterics -- we sit in the room with him and we do nothing else (no phone, no reading) and just wait it out... we don't raise our voice, we say ""when you're done acting like a baby, and are ready to act like a little boy again, we can do something else"". Since he wants to direct it at us it means we can move him where we want by moving ourselves there without saying anything (he'll follow us), we never demand he go somewhere because it empowers him to say no and resist, so instead we just move there and his desire to direct his feelings at us compels him to follow.

The shouting for help -- We've explained to ours what will happen if he keeps shouting for help, eventually the police *will* come, and they may take him away for a while to figure out why he yelled for help. He will probably have to stay somewhere else for a few days without us. He did it a few more times and we'd say ""We've told you what happens if you keep going, but you aren't stopping, so if they come take you there isn't anything we can do, *it's your choice*."" Then we treat similarly to the fake crying where we wait it out.

Disrespectfulness -- he'll ask for help, sometimes he'll make a mess in the process out of frustration, we'll say OK we're here to help you but we need clean this up first, he'll say no, or say ""but you made me wait to so long so it's your fault"", we stop and he needs to help clean and he needs to ask respectfully before we continue. Again, passively stopping the activity until he corrects.

Anger at not getting what he wants -- TV, games, things that aren't good for him (food or activities)... we just don't let him. Yes, it wrecks our lives to some degree, it triggers the behaviors above, but having seen the alternative it's still better.

Overall the goal is to help him recognize his situation will be worse while the bad behavior continues. We stop when he acts bad. We've also stopped rewarding good behavior, because he's learned (like your kid) that doing the thing we ask was getting a reward and it was too confusing to him to recognize the difference between doing the right thing following an hour of hysterics vs doing the right thing when asked.

From the outside we are now told we're too harsh--including by both our parents who have seen but never really lived the bad behavior-- but these people don't understand, they never have had to deal with it (and we still get it, just to a much lesser degree... we get maybe an half hour of hysterics per day vs multiple times per day before), so to the critics I say I don't care. Our son is loving and we're helping him recognize that the world will not cater to him and his parents won't either.

In another era our son would likely get spanked, slapped, locked in a room, etc... he'd probably learn from that negative reinforcement to avoid behaviors, but it would also become a technique he'd use on others. Now at least all he's learning from us is that when his normalcy stops our normalcy stops. If he wants it back, he needs to give it too. We do remind him, and we do ""olive branch"" by offering a next activity when he seems like he's stuck in a ""loop"" and can't break himself out, but it requires he act quiet/respectful before we start.

**tldr: passive resistance to the bad behaviors (do not introduce new demands), and removing ""rewards"" for good behavior, has worked for us. You act normal and you get normal, you act poorly and you get a shutdown..**, Does he go to school? What kinds of therapy he receives? This is not a typical 6 y old with or without autism. You need to find professionals for help. I don’t believe ABA will work especially with those inexperienced behavioral technicians., I am so sorry :(

It has to be so very hard.

What kind of therapies and services is he signed up for?, How do you discipline him? I would say you need help, is he getting services? Taking any meds?, I would go to the tacanow.org website. Read about it And get him assessed for gut issues. Similar thing happened to my kid. He had parasites. Got rid of a lot of issues, First of all, I know it's hard. We have been through everything you wrote down. It's worse when you're living in an apartment complex... I was scared at times that someone would call the police. 

Our kiddos are very bright. They know what to do to get what they want and what makes us react. We have to outsmart them. It's very hard at first but after some times it becomes less and less difficult.

Kids, ND or NT, want attention, good or bad. And they need boundaries that they know will stay whatever happens. They will test it to the max, but when they know the boundary won't move, they eventually stop. 

My daughter is 11 years old now and it's really better. We had to work hard, to have help from social workers and go to therapy (individually and as a family)., Came here to say, I’m so sorry. My daughter is much like this still at the age of 9. The big thing here is he’s not punishing you, he’s trying to communicate the only way he knows how to show you how he’s feeling or what’s going on inside. He’s not punishing you, it’s not fun for him. I’m no world would anyone want to act or behave in such a way that hurts their selves. He’s letting out what’s going on inside. Keep trying you will have breakthroughs even the smallest ones, they add up and you guys will get thru this., Sounds like he’s having alot of anxiety and the acts of service he’s demanding are reassuring and comforting to him and make him feel secure and loved, You already have so much great info with all the advice/comments here. I’m so sorry you’re going through this tough stage, it sounds exhausting and terrible for your family… 

Have you tried connecting with him? Like fully connecting, where you’re having one on one fun with him and are in a flow state. Even starting small like sitting next to him while he’s playing on his tablet, and just existing parallel to him. Letting him know you want to be in his world.

Kids are so smart and intuitive, they are tuned into our feelings about them. From your post you sound disappointed, overwhelmed, exhausted, discouraged (all valid, because what you’re describing is so intense and shitty (no pun intended)), but he can feel all those negative feelings, and it’s creating a snowball of him continuing to fulfill the way you’re feeling about his behaviors and both your negative feelings and his negative behaviors increasing.

I’m not an educated expert; like others have said, do get the experts involved. But in the meantime (I know appointments and waitlists take time) try to simply connect with him, in a meaningful way.

Edited to add: I am saying this respectfully to you: I think you’re expecting too much from a 6 year old with autism. In your post you said you refused to walk with him 10ft down the hall to chaperone him to the bathroom. He was communicating a need to you, probably anxiety driven (he didn’t want to be alone), maybe he didn’t like the way his internal cues were feeling in his body (Google: interoception autism), and instead of being supportive you’re trying to prove to him that he’s a big boy and can pee alone. Yes, he’s physically capable of peeing alone, but in that moment if he’s wanting you to go with him, you should acquiesce to things like that. Pick your battles. If he’s demanding drinks from you (like your post states), respond with something humorous “welcome to the polite Diner, I’m your server, and I’ll get your drink order when I hear a thank you! Okay, that’ll be $35 for a drink.” Something silly like that.., Please don't listen to the people saying that this is sociopathic or that he is doing something wrong.  Our son is 6 and he struggled with some of what you describe.  We also live with neighbors and I'm grateful that none are below us.  Our son had been self harming for a while and he was nonverbal so we felt hopeless and there are still days where we feel overwhelmed like you.  He's a gestalt learner and his language acquisition helped tremendously but the biggest thing was giving him a safe space to act out, toy dump, throw items, etc. without us reacting.  We then would check in when he calmed...like a bell curve you don't provide anything when they are at the height but then when they settle you swoop in and give cuddles (if they like it). Also the physical exercise aspect.  We bought an indoor gym on Brain Rich Kids website (it was an investment at about $500.00 but it was worth it for both kids) When we stopped giving in to his behaviors while he was heightened it changed the dynamic slowly over time.  He still gets away with more than a typical kiddo but he is showing more flexibility with each day that passes.

I know no two kids with ASD are alike(we have two with very different needs!) but in ABA (which we stopped last year when he was 5) we learned about extinction bursts.  The more you allow it to continue the longer it takes to get rid of.  Give him a safe place to act out his behaviors and talk to your neighbors so they are aware...My husband and I have had that same fear that people will think we are abusing our son and that made it harder to stay calm in the moments and encouraged us to give in.

If you have tried this and it's not working then seeking resources is the next step.  Our son isn't medicated.

TLDR:

1. Provide safe space for calming and call it a ""break"".  Any escalation redirect him to take a break and then come in when he's calm. 
2. Let the neighbors know your challenges so they can be mindful and you can eliminate that fear for you.
3. exercise (swim, you tube videos instructing with fun images, parks)

I hope you find this helpful and you're not alone!, Are there any medications a psychiatrist can recommend here? Is there a special education person you can hire that can maybe instill a little
fear and discipline? Sorry just thinking out loud., Well. As a rule goes dont raise a child you hate. Especially scince 


A if you hate your child you are potentially dooming them. Because if you receed your affection at the smallest point youll neglect them possible life saving help.



B if you dont stop these behaviors now they will only manifest into worse behaviors later



On this note this is why you need to spank your child. To save them from themselves. That way they are not forced to suffer abandonment from every possible person scince they havent had these things instilled in them. Them shitting the carpet to prove a point is just playing with social fire.what about when there older and they try something similar to some one not you Who doesnt care. Like im being agressive here but those spankings are there to save your childs life. And for future refrence your gonna jack your kid up regardless its gonna happen some how. Better it be while trying to save there life. Or in accidental minor things, The thing is, when his therapist makes recommendations for anxiety relief, such as comfort items or like an inflatable canoe to lay in. He doesn't care about those things. He doesn't give them the time of day. Or he tries them once and it like eh I don't like it., I was going to say the same. I suspect my daughter is PDA (no one in our area can confirm that but it fits the bill). She's not quite as extreme as OP's child but probably 70% of the intensity OP described. Problematically, we live in an area short on resources in general, let alone anyone who can give us expert advice on PDA autism. And we are similarly failing on our own., Oh my gosh have we tried.
But then he learns SO fast how to cheat the system and rewards himself.
He bites his tongue figuratively to not have an outburst, and then says ""I didn't scream so I want my tablet"".
Obviously we aren't just rewarding every second he doesn't scream at us, so we will tell him something like he's had enough time with the tablet again and we are back to square one., Question for you: how did your parents get you to do the activities that ultimately helped you? If you remember or have tips I would be so grateful., The fact is he is manipulating you.  No 6 year old normal child is this demanding, and you gotta show him who’s boss before this shit blows up in your face., Whoa.
This is a really major thing to bring up regarding a 6 year old. 
He doesn't hurt anybody, he's not a sociopath.
He is just exhibiting negative behaviors.
It's not as if he's plotting our death. He's generally a very excitable happy child, but he is bossy and himself doesn't understand his motives and behaviors 

That movie/book is about a sociopathic child who grows up with 0 understanding or regard for how he affects others around him and does very dark things to his pet and sibling, and manipulates the father into believing its not happening, before he murders a bunch of people.

Really, this seems like a VERY outrageous thing to say. He's nothing like kevin, Sorry, I disagree. Typical six year olds do not defecate on the living room floor as a power move. There is something else going on here, perhaps attributable to autism, perhaps something else, but if I were OP I’d be looking for as much help as I could get. I didn’t see OP mention their support system. Speech therapist to communicate needs in more acceptable ways. Psychologist or parent-child interaction therapy (PCIT). School. ABA. Developmental pediatrician/psychologist to check for comorbidities—ADHD, OCD, intellectual disability, etc. This kid definitely needs a village., I’m not sure about that . I have the feeling if my son was verbal he would be vocalizing the things OP’s child say, because many behaviors are identical, Fear is the OPPOSITE of what is needed here. This child is terrified., If he is PDA and so disregulated that he isnt using the bathroom, laying in an inflatable canoe isn't going to do anything. Maybe check out the PDA subreddit and see if it clicks. Unfortunately if it is PDA, what you have been doing is the exact opposite of how you are supposed to manage it., Maybe these particular items don’t suit his personal needs? 

My daughter loves beanbags but hates the peapod that she had at school. She loves hammocks, but not swings. She prefers weight over being tucked in. She hates clothing when some kids thrive on being clothed. 

Your son’s preferences are probably unique and may take a few different tools to try and find the correct item that suits. Either way, I’d definitely try to set something up for him so that he can have a dedicated quiet space that is safe for him to be placed in when he is feeling like this. He can burn himself out and settle or nap and be safe in a quiet space (my daughter chose a tent this year, and she has it packed full of her favourite blankets and bunnies and books, and one particular light she enjoys). If she’s in a poor mood - or even screaming down the house - she is settled into her quiet space and is allowed to come out when she feels calm. We don’t keep her in there, but the rule is that she has to be calm. Otherwise, we know in our home, that she’ll wind up back in her quiet space very quickly. There are days where she even wants one of us to stay with her, just outside the tent. 

It’s just an idea, but it could be worth exploring., Individuals with PDA can become severely dehydrated and malnourished by being able to meet their own physical needs due to a perceived demand OR power imblance. I’m not sure but this behaviour is driven by something that should be assessed by the crisis team to rule out other options and link you with appropriate support. You cannot live like this and it’s ok to call someone and say you can’t keep going and you are in crisis. This is not a situation I would allow to keep playing out. Make a call today!, I recommend what others have said: mental health crisis team, asap. 

If you could, I’d attempt to flat out ignore the screaming (as long as he’s not injured or in need of urgent care - like changing his pants and so forth). It’s definitely a power play, and he can’t scream forever. If you teach him you’ll respond every time to his screams and tantrums (and if that’s all they are - you’ll have to check and keep an eye on him) then he’ll learn fairly quickly not to do it any more. My daughter tried to pull much of the same behaviour awhile back, and I recognised it from when *I* used to do the same as a child (of course, I grew up in a household where my ASD wasn’t recognised - so I just got thrown into my room, spanked, and basically threatened with everything that the old school parenting style had back in the 80s - and I don’t recommend any of that). For my daughter, however, it was a short-lived stint (about two weeks) before she realised that her tantrums and bossiness and demanding screams over cookies or sweets were getting ignored. And this was after several hundred attempts to explain and be calm with her over this. We still get the occasional screaming fit - but they are usually now from a place of anger and wanting to control the outcome. She eventually gives up when she realises we will carry on because her screaming like a banshee  for a lollipop is exhausting work when no one will cave. If the noise is too much: ear plugs and sit in the room to monitor his behaviours until he screams himself out. Redirect when able. Underline NO as a word that is final, and be a team - nobody slips. Instill penalties if you must: if you can’t use your inside voice then I will have to take all of the cookies away for an entire week.  Or: I know you’re angry, but I need you to stop screaming by the time I count to five. If you don’t stop screaming by the count of five, then I will have to take away your tablet for the rest of the day. Or: I know you’re angry and frustrated, but you I can’t understand you when you scream like that. If you’re looking for a snack, I can make us some popcorn. Would you like to help? Or: hey dude, would you like to come outside and take a walk with me? I was thinking of heading to the park. (You’ll want to gauge what level of redirection or correction you will need to take). It can take anywhere from 4-6 weeks to correct a behaviour, too, so don’t expect it to stop immediately or after a few days. 

Of course, I wouldn’t attempt **any of this** so without a consult first. I’m sorry you’re going through this, OP. If you’re able, maybe you can redirect his temper with some quiet time or a bath, something else that can occupy him and then, when he is calm, you can then remind him that he’s still the child and needs to try his best to follow the rules., Also wondering this. Sometimes they insist they are too tired to exercise with me, or too tired to play a game or their legs hurt and they don’t want to stand up. However if something doesn’t go their way they have sooo much energy to run laps around me, kick me/objects, flip tables 😬 suspected PDA over here too, Swimming was the first thing I was really in to. My parents got a membership at a swim place and we would go for hours at a time on the weekends. Or we would go to the beach for several hours. When I was six I got in to soccer and my parents signed me up on a rec. team with my bff (this was key). Definitely nothing forced or chore-like., How is that outrageous? The child is defecating on the floor as a power move!!!! Wtf!, I don't think he's anything like Kevin. Now my take on this is not the same situation but similar enough to try to give a tiny bit of advice based on my kids' experiences. My youngest is autistic but he's a happy kid all the time, like literally all the time, but his older brother a few years back got diagnosed with ODD (oppositional defiance disorder) and used to do a lot of the things you are describing to get his way (screaming for long times, following you etc). He'd also lash out and try to hit or scratch you if it was a really bad day. It was a brutal 3 year period for us. We got him into the therapy and frankly took the meltdowns for the next few weeks until he (slower than we would have liked lol) realized that we just weren't going to give into him. If he tried to hit me I'd walk away and keep walking away. Neighbors came over because of the screaming and stuff but I had gotten his doctor to write that we were doing therapy and not actually hurting him. It was alot for a couple of weeks and still had the occasional blow up for the next few months but now 3 years later, he's a brand new kid. Doing great in school life and home life. I know the autism your son has makes his situation a little different but maybe try looking into therapy that they offer for kids with ODD. Hope things get better soon for all of you!

Edit: spelling, phrasing, It sounds like your child doesn’t care if your basic needs for sleeping and using the toilet are met or not…, We he doesn't struggle to communicate his needs. He knows very clearly what he wants and he says it. It's his delivery.
I don't know how or when he picked up this habit of barking orders at us without even looking up from his tablet.
If we don't comply he stops his game or whatever he's doing and looks at us in disbelief that we aren't dropping everything we are doing to appease him. He's appalled that we aren't anticipating his thoughts for a pb&j and already have a fresh one ready.

And he's so rude to everyone.
He interrupts everyone who's talking to us and talks to us louder than they are to dominate the conversation and if we dismiss him, he will say in front of everyone that we aren't acting like ourselves and he doesn't like it and that it's time to go.
And I know what he's doing. He's trying to get us to retreat to a place where he knows nobody can get in his way., I am not an expert but from everything I've read so far, an autistic kid does not have the kind of awareness this kid is demonstrating. Maybe one of the experts here can comment., Seconding PDA. Check out: PDA society UK and US, Declarative language handbook, the family experience of PDA, etc. The key is shifting your impression and approach and you will see changes! A key aspect of PDA is the ability to use social strategies and manipulation to avoid demands. Remember despite the challenges of the behaviors, anxiety is at the root of it. He is not choosing this behavior, he’s likely in a fight or flight response., Not OP, but can you expand on “what you have been doing is the exact opposite of how you are supposed to manage it”?, What is PDA?, Swimming is a good idea. The only activity my son actually likes. He’s 5 tho so more will be revealed. Thanks, Speech therapist helps with delivery—that is communication too, it’s called pragmatics. He sounds insufferable and for your family’s sake you need professional intervention., My daughter sounds a lot like your son. She's about to turn 5. She also scream-talks over everyone and will get violent if her demands aren't met immediately. I am constantly covered in bruises. Everyone in the house, including our 3 year old (god I feel awful for him for this), wears headphones in order to drown out some of her screaming.

I wish I had advice for you. All I can do is echo the people saying to look up the PDA profile. It's not as well understood in the US but it's still worth looking up to see if there's anyone in your area who can offer services for PDA autism. There isn't anyone in my area who knows a damn thing about it and we're struggling with trying to figure it out on our own. But at least knowing what it is gives you a starting point., I honestly don’t even think I should respond because i am not educated in psychology especially children psychology enough to tell you what you should or shouldn’t do but from my own experience working with special needs children and also having a severely autistic 5yo son who can be demanding and likes things his way.. I believe the only thing that keeps him from taking things to this extreme is my clear Non tolerance for the shit. Pry me say that I am in no way judging you. Nor am I saying that taking this stance and implementing it is not the absolute hardest thing I’ve ever had to do… but it’s saved my sanity. My household peace. My son. My relationship with my son.. and even the relationship between his father and I. Yes it’s embarrassing.. yes me being the empathetic soul that I am was put in the position of constant stress thinking about our neighbors and what they thought of us as parents or if they thought we were harming our son… then thinking about my son and his feelings and his level of comprehension due to  the fact that he was non verbal.. I constantly thought that it was a chance I was permanently traumatizing him. Looking back that shit was ridiculous. Simply creating boundaries and not allowing a very smart but also very manipulative child control and essentially emotionally abuse you is not traumatizing the child. If anything it’s teaching them a valuable lesson. The first thing I did was completely stop responding to any request (demands) that were asked in a disrespectful way or any way that crossed a boundary of mine (my boundaries were mainly my feelings being hurt and being disrespected, as well as unappreciated) secondly I had a list of boundaries as well as negative behaviors under each behavior I wrote the redirection I’d apply so that I wasn’t just ignoring my child I was teaching him the correct way to requests his wants and express his needs. Thirdly that yelling and screaming shit.. as hard as it is you can not respond to it by showing how upset it makes you, jumping to resolve the issue to quiet him, none of that. Honestly the more you act like it’s not happening and it actually sounds like a sound machine playing relaxing wave tracks the less satisfaction he’ll get. Once he realized his tactics aren’t working and the only way to get what he’s requesting is to do what was taught to him by redirections he will change his behavior. It may take  few days or it could take months but I promise you if his behaviors aren’t producing the results he’s seeking they will stop.


I apologize for the lack of grammar, ton of typos, and pure chaos that is the structure of this comment 😂 I’m trying to cook dinner and tend to my demanding child. Sending ton of love and perseverance. I also have a ton of resources like books, blogs, community services l, federal services etc so just lmk what you need!, That isn’t autistic behavior. That is just being spoiled, Of course they can have the awareness. It’s a very broad spectrum. My son told his therapist I punch and abuse him and then later said it was just to see my reaction. I don’t lay a finger on him and he’s very much autistic. Autistic children can still push boundaries or do things to try to gain control and create reactions that they want. He’s learned his screaming gets him what he wants so he’s going to continue doing it. 

It’s like Pavlov’s bell, They can, autism is a huge spectrum. Lack of social awareness can show as inappropriate behavior/lack of embarassment as well, like defacating on the floor which would be embarassing to most 6 year olds. ""If I scream, I get what I want"" isn't that difficult to connect either, plenty of my non-verbal autistic students understand that to some degree. 

Pathological demand avoidance often has a different presentation from other autism spectrum disorders - usually more manipulative behavior to get out of demands - so that's something I'd consider. Additional disorders like anxiety disorders and adhd can clash with autism symptoms and make them much harder to handle for children. 

If OP hasn't yet, they should definitely take their son to a psychiatrist. I don't know if you've ever tried screaming for several hours, but it's exhausting. Typically developing children, even if they really want something, rarely make it past an hour - after that, it can cross the line into self-harming behavior. Medication, at least temporarily, can help address his anxiety and get him calm enough for behavioral interventions to work. Otherwise, stand your ground on the specific issue and offer whatever comfort or calming strategies you have available. Weighed blankets or vests often help, lava lamps or similar visuals, it really depends on the child and an occupational therapist can help you make a sensory profile. It's also important to rule out abuse or high stress situations in other parts of his life - of he doesn't act like this when he's out of school, doesn't have a specific therapy or doesn't see a specific person, that would point towards that being the issue., Yep - he doesn't lack interoception which is a core autism trait.

This is above reddit's paygrade. PDA can also coocur with adhd, and adhd and autism can overlap with some symptoms, so arm chair diagnosing isn't the way to go here at all. The kid needs a professional diagnosis and treatment plan., Ignoring demands, putting kids in time outs- basically all traditional forms of discipline will completely backfire with a PDA kid and make it 100 times worse. The more you try to make a child comply the more they ""act out"". It's an endless cycle. Instead, if it is PDA, you have to remove all demands completely., Pathological Demand Avoidance, I’ve been monitoring this thread and it’s getting out of control with the parent shaming, medical advice, suggesting that a child is a sociopath, and suggestions of abuse. 

OP I hope you got some helpful answers here., Mental health crisis team. Idk where you are but hopefully your county has one. Then a therapist that has training in special needs and play therapy, ABA therapy (look for one that allows to you observe some sessions), and a special needs parents support group., I'm going to go against the other comments and suggest that this is extreme PDA Autism. It sounds like he is extremely anxious and trying to control his environment to handle his anxiety., Yowsers this sounds so tough. Honestly having never been in this position you are free to take this advice with a grain of salt but it sounds like he is ruling the house and his screaming, yelling etc is getting him the desired results. Get some noise cancelling headphones and don't give in! At the first teeny tiny opportunity that he is displaying the behaviour you want him to be (waiting patiently, quietly, not screaming! Etc) give him what he desires straight away and keep at it. Do not give him anything when he is screaming at you like this. If it goes on for hours it goes on for hours it's going to be tough yes but it's never going to get easier by giving in to this behaviour. If he is a smart cookie he will figure this all out pretty quick., Agree with those suggesting PDA or ODD. Therapy alone will not make this better. A psychiatrist should be involved in your care., Whoa. 

So what I’m seeing here is a kid that has learned that you guys will jump when he says jump and if you don’t, he will do what he has to to make sure you do indeed jump.. rinse and repeat. The other part is anxiety..

My oldest was a level of this from about 3-9. It was intense and I’m grateful we didn’t live in an apartment with the level of wall banging, screaming for hours, (sometimes both of us) and the door slamming he was jknown for we ended up taking doors off hinges.. multiple times. You do what you have to to keep the peace and keep them from spiraling out of control sooooo much that by the time you realize you really fucked up, it’s too late. You’ve enabled the behavior for so long you feel like there’s no way out of not doing that.. because of the living conditions, you feel like he can’t scream for long. He can’t be this upset for long periods of time.. someone will call the police. Someone will call the apartment manager.. 

But he can. And before this is over, he will. 

First and foremost? Evaluation for anxiety if you haven’t done it already. He’s going to need therapy and yes, medication. Don’t be scared to medicate. If you were dealing with this level of anxiety, wouldn’t you meditate yourself? He NEEDS medication. It will be trial and error for a while to find the right stuff. 

 Mine is 19 now. We’ve had several diagnosis follow since the autism diagnosis.. adhd, depression, and now we’re looking at bipolar disorder. Did it get easier? Sure.. but harder in other ways. That need to control every aspect of everyone around them definitely got easier. I couod evenually sleep without the door locked worried about my kid stabbing me in the face with a kitchen knife.. 

But as puberty entered the chat, things got more difficult socially and hormones played a huge factor in several aspects.. 

But the screaming stopped.  

It won’t be fast or easy, but if things don’t get better, I’d be looking into a hold at a psych unit. We didn’t make it there, but literally only because I figured if we did, he would blame me and things would be so much worse when he got out. I kinda forgot they sort meds and stuff while there. 🤷🏻‍♀️ 

I have multiple kids with autism, anxiety, adhd..  but none have ever been like my oldest. He was/is a different beast entirely. It will get better, but you gotta fight for that light at the end of the tunnel. He’s struggling, and trying to regulate himself, but can’t because he literally has no idea what to do that will help. He needs to be taught. Enabling by giving into the behavior (no judgement because I seriously understand exactly why, I’m a huge enabler to this day- I’m just explaining what’s going on) is like a bandaid.. it works for a moment but it just makes it worse the next time because he knows if he can get you guys to do the jump, he’ll also feel better for the moment.. so you guys just keep doing this either way each other until something changes. You gotta make the moves to change the behaviors. It’s a long uphill battle.. 

But it DOES GET BETTER. Keep fighting., I was basically this kid (not quite to this extent) and this is what helped- Vigorous physical activity every day. First of all it really is great for physical regulation and sleep, and secondly it’s a way to connect with my parents, friends etc. As an ADHD/ PDA kid what I really really wanted was connection- and if I couldn’t get it in a positive way I would immediately act out to get it in a negative way. For me being involved in tons of sports, swimming, climbing etc. was a life saver., This sounds like stress behaviour/dysregulation to me. Like my 5.5yo (probably autistic) acts like this when he is hungry, needs to poop, is ill, is stressed out, is tired etc. Escalating it by trying to enforce a boundary or hierarchy will just make it worse in that moment. Trying to engage with what they are saying as though it has any logic does not work in that moment. Think about how wild animals act when they are threatened - if his nervous system has kicked him into fight or flight, then he is indeed running off ""old software"" - a part of our brain that we share with our animal ancestors. He's not in his prefrontal cortex where we process speech, language, logic. His brain is basically telling him his life might be in danger and he needs to fight for his life - that's why his behaviour is so extreme.

**In the moment**:

You need to establish safety. So meet physical needs, however they are expressed (hunger - not candy - thirst, discomfort) and then focus on safety. If he is telling you that he can't be alone, then don't force him to be alone just now. Tag team in and out if you need to because this is draining AF.

Start reducing stimulus in the environment. Turn lights off/down. Remove sources of noise (turn things off/down, including stuff like fans and electrical items which make a whine if you can, offer him headphones, which he might not take.) Consider taking him to a smaller, more enclosed space, if he would find this comforting. If this would scare him more, then don't.

Use your own nervous system to signal safety. Which means - trying as much as you can to remain calm (I know that is really hard - visualising him as a scared wild animal can help here). Move slowly. Crouch to his level. Make your voice soft and slow and low. Don't argue, convince, or admonish. Say soothing/validating things e.g. about his emotions (don't promise him stuff like TV/candy/or try to persuade him to calm himself down.) Make your breathing very deep, slow, and obvious, but don't ask him to breathe. If you like, you can narrate what you're doing ""I'm taking deep, slow breaths to keep myself calm."" Or you can repeat things like ""You are safe. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. I'm going to stay with you until you feel safe again.""

Oxytocin helps. So human to human contact (again - know your own kid - if he does not want this, then respect that) like a hug, stroke, pat, squeeze.

Deep pressure can help. He might like to be wrapped in a blanket. Movement like rocking can also help - on your lap, or in a swing etc.

Other sensory inputs can help. You might offer him access to things like squeeze toys, chewy toys, a cool pack, a warmed heat pack, visual toys like those sparkle bottles, noisy toys he can press a button to make the same sound over and over again. Some children also like to spin or go upside down (though some will find this makes things worse).

Once he's calm he will probably be exhausted. So keep things calm and low and don't expect too much from him. But he might be more able to talk at this point.

**In general**:

It is probably worth trying to reduce stress/demands in the environment in general. A great resource for this is Stuart Shanker's Self-Reg and I have also heard great things about The Out of Sync Child.

The other one I love is Conscious Discipline by Becky A Bailey. You might also find The Explosive Child helpful. It's likely a good idea to take ideas like time out out of your repertoire entirely. Instead of reacting to behaviour you don't like, look to the root cause of the behaviour.

You should look into the PDA profile of autism., Long post...but I have been through this. 

I do believe ABA will be able to help you.  I know that you know that your child should not be running the show and it absolutely does sound like that is what is happening. Autism or not, children need boundaries to fulfill their need to feel safe in their environments. I know it sounds crazy, but when young children push a boundary they are testing their caregivers to see if they are in control. The funny thing about tantrums is that we actually teach our kids to have them, inadvertently. I am not talking about meltdowns, which are different. All kids will tantrum, and if we give in, they know to just keep screaming because they will break you. If you have tried to outlast the tantrum but gave up after 10 minutes...your child will understand that if they just keep acting outrageous for at least 10 minutes and you will absolutely give in. This is not the power you want to give to a little kid. 

Having said that I also had a little tyrant running my house years ago. My firstborn. I had no idea what I was doing and had never experienced healthy discipline before (I got beat...I was NOT about to do that to my kids) so I didn't understand what a boundary was let alone how to set one. I absolutely did not understand that my failed attempts to outlast her would only LENGTHEN the hellish screaming. My neighbors DID call the cops a few time (they were very kind and understanding). What helped me was getting a job as a paraprofessional in an early intervention classroom. The teacher was AMAZING and she taught me so much about behavior and discipline and I had real time practice with my students in the classroom. It totally transformed my parenting completely. Then our district had us all trained in ABA and that was just the icing on the cake. 

All this to say that you absolutely can turn this around. You just need some support from professionals who specialize in behavior modification. Also....warn your neighbors! Tell them if they are worried they can come over and make sure things are ok. That is what I wound up doing., I would involve a psychiatrist immediately and demand a medication. This isn’t a typical presentation of autism, something else is going on that is beyond therapies. I’m sorry., Stop being push overs. 

I’m probably going to be down voted to heck for this, but it’s true. Look yourself in the mirror and you will concur. If your child is as smart/cunning as you say he is (and I believe you do. YOU know your child best) he will pick up on the sudden dichotomy shift when you stand up for yourselves., Could a temporary stay at the pediatric ward of a psych hospital help break the cycle, properly diagnose him, and give them a chance to test out and dial in some heavy duty medication? This is beyond what most parents are equipped to handle. I'm not sure what your insurance is like and if that would be covered. I recommend getting videos of the most offensive behavior so when you speak to a psychiatrist they know you're not exaggerating.

Maybe the facility could get a behavioral system that finally works (akin to counting to three with consistent rewards/consquences and things along those lines) and then you maintain it consistently once he returns home? Basically, something that would stop the pattern and then do everything in your power not to give in when he returns home. Heck, I might even move apartments while he's gone if i thought it would reduce the chance of him from spontaneously reverting to his old ways (triggered by environment). Then tell him, ""sorry, this is the new house with the new rules"" and stick to whatever the new rules are (the shorter and simpler the better, of course).  I'm sure folks here would say that changing homes would make him anxious or something, but I am of the mindset that shitting on the floor is cause for drastic measures.

If not residential treatment now,  maybe he could start at a special ed school soon if you have access to one?  You do NOT want to be dealing with this level of intensity as he gets stronger in the teen years. :(  I commend you for taking it seriously now.

Do you have access to respite care for you, your wife, and your toddler? And I'm sorry to mention it, but this sounds like it has to be affecting your 3 year old significantly. The last thing you want is the younger one starting to copy all of these behaviors.

My apologies if the above suggestion sound harsh, but like you, in the 80's my dad would have just gagged us with a handkerchief everytime we screamed or maybe dumped a cold bucket of water on us, neurotypical or not. I mean, aside from (or maybe in addition to?) the beatings...it sounds like you know what I mean.  He called that sort of thing ""an attention getter"" or a ""memory aid""....as in, I bet you'll remember not to do that next time. It's a different day and age so medication and behavioral modification (with the help of professionals) are more appropriate, far less abusive tools.

Honestly, I don't know how you've made it this long without help., I'd look into wraparound services in your area. He's 6, so that's school age. Does he act like this at school??, My first thought was that it could be ODD, which tends to occur with autism. Whatever it is, you guys definitely need a professional to step in., That boy needs boundaries. 

Being autistic doesn't mean you're allowed to bully your family. 

You should not blame yourself, that just makes you feel guilty and you'll give in to his demands. 

You tried your best and your methods aren't working so well, so it's time to change tactics and set boundaries. 

He's clever. It won't take him too long to realise that his strategy isn't working anymore. 

He'll learn to use more appropriate strategies to let you guys know his needs and wishes. 

You just won't be able to do that all by yourself, you need professional help. 

Best of luck and please never feel guilty. It's not your fault and you are doing your best., This may be totally off base, but sometimes kids will act out with the people they feel safest with or trust the most when something else in their life is very wrong. A medical issue, a major change that feels out of control, high stress or overwhelming demands at school/ therapy, or mistreatment/abuse/bullying from a peer or other adult in their life. Those types of issues can be hard to articulate even for people with great language skills, and can cause big feelings that are confusing and hard to process. There might be nothing, but it can't hurt to take stock and rule things out.

This all sounds incredibly difficult and overwhelming.  I'm sorry your family is going through this., I'm sorry you're having such a challenging time. I'm replying to say thank you for sharing your experience and I'm finding the responses to your post helpful too (especially for PDA). My daughter (7) has many overlapping behaviours, including the severe need to control and separation anxiety. Screaming continuously until we go to her, even to the point of vomiting. She's trashed the house and yard countless times.
We've worked closely with an occupational therapist to help manage her sensory overwhelm; had her tonsils and adenoids removed to improve her sleep; moved schools to one where they take neurodivergent wellbeing seriously; we even use regular worming treatments (seems to improve her anger, so she must suffer a lot and not be able to verbalise); and as parents we've had to dig deep to learn how to calm down so she can coregulate without us using words.
I hope you have some breakthroughs and keep reaching out for support., Another vote for PDA here. And it’s exhausting. You have to completely relearn a new way of talking to individuals with PDA, low demand parenting (which is extremely hard if you have more than one child and they aren’t neurodivergent) is the way to go to avoid meltdowns. But it’s hard. You’re not alone., You’ll find so many similar experiences - and worse - in the PDA groups. One other thought - especially if you notice any link to being sick and behavior getting worse - or taking anti-biotics and behavior getting better - is to look at autoimmune encephalitis/PANS/PANDAS. Basically psychiatric symptoms caused by infections/immune system reactions, often chronic. This is definitely another rabbit hole to go down. Classic case is sudden onset, but there can be more chronic presentations too. Kid might still be PDA, and you need a low demand approach, but you have underlying, treatable medical issues exacerbating., Sounds like his behavior is so reinforced that he knows you don't stand a chance. There's no way for you guys to make any progress since you're in an apartment and the screaming will mostly likely get you kicked out. I'm sorry. I have some suggestions but not sure if you've already tried them., [removed], It doesn't seem like these behavior issues are autism related.  These just sound like behavior issues even a non-autistic kid would demonstrate. In fact, it feels more non-autistic. My son has these episodes where he really misbehaves and in those moments I treat him like a normal child without any special privileges. I treat him like my daughter who does not have autism. And by that I mean that I give him time out, stop listening to him and paying attention and don't pamper him. 

It's worked for us so far., My child had similar behaviors it’s very difficult to deal with.  Adding medication along with everything else we were doing (therapy, fidgets, weighted blanket,etc) finally made a difference.  Before it could go on for hours and she would hurt herself and my wife, now the meltdowns will maybe last 10-15 minutes and not be half as intense., I recommend checking out the strategies from Dr Casey Ehrlich, she describes scenarios like this a lot, and her very informative instagram page is: atpeaceparents, PDA, Does he have outside services such as ABA? If not it sounds like it may be needed. Are these new behaviors or has this developed over time? I would definitely suggest outside help and like others have mentioned ignoring negative cries for attention. No matter how embarrassing it may be. I don’t know how close your neighbors are but really if your child is autistic and yelling for attention I wouldn’t care or worry who hears as long as he is safe and his needs are met, let him yell. Hard as that may be. He will tire himself out and eventually realize he is not getting what he wants by exhibiting said behaviors. You said he is 6, I would assume he is in school? Does he display these behaviors in school? Does he have an IEP? If so to either of these questions I would see how the school handles these outbursts and ask for any recommendations? I definitely would not give attention to any negative behaviors, which might be hard to relearn if in the past he is used to instant gratification from throwing tantrums, it will take time to unlearn these behaviors. Reinforcing your role as the parent when he is exhibiting bad behaviors as in, I know you are thirsty or hungry, but we do not get what we want by screaming, when you calm down I will help you with whatever you may need. Ignoring other behaviors you mentioned, it may seem hard and he may throw a tantrum and scream. Let him. When you give in to those behaviors he knows he can continue to do so and get attention. It may be a hard cycle to break, but since he is verbal and able to communicate his needs it seems reasonable to assume he will understand if you tell him what will not be tolerated. If he won’t sit in time out I would tell him this is not acceptable, we can help you when you calm down. Making him sit down next to you on the couch perhaps, maybe putting a program on tv he likes, reading a book with him he likes, etc and loving on him until he relaxes enough to listen or gets his tantrum out his system in a safe space next to you may work better than just a time out chair by himself. Let him yell or cry it out. Comfort him while he is upset but absolutely do not give in to demands while he is in that space. I feel for you, it may be hard but it can get better! It may take some time to unlearn the behaviors but you have to stick to your guns and not let your 6 yr old run your household., My son is autistic and non-verbal and he is a habitual line stepper with everyone he tries. If he gets even on second of seeing someone will give into him he doesn’t leave it alone. We have to be very strict with certain things to keep it from escalating. I also recommend ABA before you medicate. ABA is super easy in the beginning because they want to get a good relationship with him so that he is happy when they come, but it will slowly turn to work for him. I would definitely try that., It’s concerning how it sounds like he’s trying to control everything around him 24/7, you both included.

There seems to be an element of manipulation to the screaming like you’re hurting him anytime he’s slightly hungry, &/or he can’t regulate his feelings at all. 

That could be something other than autism, or just normal kid behaviour getting the best of you both because you’re too tired to uphold strict boundaries.

Have there been any big changes at home or in his life? He sounds extremely clingy, maybe he just doesn’t know how to process something or get the support he needs in general? 

I also constantly hear awful things about how terrible kids tv can be for developing brains. It can absolutely cause or exacerbate behavioural problems, & create distance between parent/child if it’s getting in the way of one on one play &/or you’re being punished for not allowing them to watch it whenever it’s off. It is frankly an addiction when kids feel they NEED to watch tv & act out when you don’t give in. 

This is no life for him either, he needs help desperately. This is not something that is going to change over night, & I’m sorry that you’re going through it., I’m going with a different response. Your kid knows he can manipulate you by using these tactics, so I’d reverse roles a bit. If they are fake crying, fake cry back cause his sadness is making you sad. He’s yelling, yell back you can’t get what he wants cause he’s yelling at you. Be ridiculously exaggerated with it, but he doesn’t get what he wants with that behavior happening. Afterward, when he’s calm, talk about how that behavior is not going to get him what he wants, that people would rather avoid him than be helpful. Then show him more constructive ways of getting what he wants., We have a similar issue with our son (5-1/2 now). Ours has been tough since day 1, the nature of the problems evolved and changed, he was so delayed that we ended up being way to permissive because we felt we needed to encourage typical milestones when they seemed in reach. 

We'd get so much impractical advice from parents of typical kids too, it was as exhausting and depressing as the issues themselves.

We did end up having to move because we were in an apartment too and there was no way it would work. He would slam his feet, smash anything he got his hands on, slam his body again the doors/walls... we'd have to hold him at times to stop him from hurting himself. We got complaints from neighbors, some moved on their own, and our landlord couldn't easily demand we move so they just presented a renewal that was so expensive we had no choice but to go. We are fortunate I make enough that we were able to buy a single family.

That said, yours sounds similar to ours and I'd describe it as ""spoiled"" -- that's not a dig on you, you sound engaged, but beaten down, and you're dealing with a kid who is not typical -- 

My feeling from observing our kid vs others is that just like some fruit and bread ""spoils"" easily so do some kids, especially the ones like ours. They are just wired to recognize how to manipulate and use it for their own gain.

Our son learned similar things to yours -- fake crying while looking right at us, shouting for help, acting disrespectfully to us while asking for things or while we are helping. He's compliant for others outside the home, but alone with us it can be a nightmare.

The fake crying and hysterics -- we sit in the room with him and we do nothing else (no phone, no reading) and just wait it out... we don't raise our voice, we say ""when you're done acting like a baby, and are ready to act like a little boy again, we can do something else"". Since he wants to direct it at us it means we can move him where we want by moving ourselves there without saying anything (he'll follow us), we never demand he go somewhere because it empowers him to say no and resist, so instead we just move there and his desire to direct his feelings at us compels him to follow.

The shouting for help -- We've explained to ours what will happen if he keeps shouting for help, eventually the police *will* come, and they may take him away for a while to figure out why he yelled for help. He will probably have to stay somewhere else for a few days without us. He did it a few more times and we'd say ""We've told you what happens if you keep going, but you aren't stopping, so if they come take you there isn't anything we can do, *it's your choice*."" Then we treat similarly to the fake crying where we wait it out.

Disrespectfulness -- he'll ask for help, sometimes he'll make a mess in the process out of frustration, we'll say OK we're here to help you but we need clean this up first, he'll say no, or say ""but you made me wait to so long so it's your fault"", we stop and he needs to help clean and he needs to ask respectfully before we continue. Again, passively stopping the activity until he corrects.

Anger at not getting what he wants -- TV, games, things that aren't good for him (food or activities)... we just don't let him. Yes, it wrecks our lives to some degree, it triggers the behaviors above, but having seen the alternative it's still better.

Overall the goal is to help him recognize his situation will be worse while the bad behavior continues. We stop when he acts bad. We've also stopped rewarding good behavior, because he's learned (like your kid) that doing the thing we ask was getting a reward and it was too confusing to him to recognize the difference between doing the right thing following an hour of hysterics vs doing the right thing when asked.

From the outside we are now told we're too harsh--including by both our parents who have seen but never really lived the bad behavior-- but these people don't understand, they never have had to deal with it (and we still get it, just to a much lesser degree... we get maybe an half hour of hysterics per day vs multiple times per day before), so to the critics I say I don't care. Our son is loving and we're helping him recognize that the world will not cater to him and his parents won't either.

In another era our son would likely get spanked, slapped, locked in a room, etc... he'd probably learn from that negative reinforcement to avoid behaviors, but it would also become a technique he'd use on others. Now at least all he's learning from us is that when his normalcy stops our normalcy stops. If he wants it back, he needs to give it too. We do remind him, and we do ""olive branch"" by offering a next activity when he seems like he's stuck in a ""loop"" and can't break himself out, but it requires he act quiet/respectful before we start.

**tldr: passive resistance to the bad behaviors (do not introduce new demands), and removing ""rewards"" for good behavior, has worked for us. You act normal and you get normal, you act poorly and you get a shutdown..**, Does he go to school? What kinds of therapy he receives? This is not a typical 6 y old with or without autism. You need to find professionals for help. I don’t believe ABA will work especially with those inexperienced behavioral technicians., I am so sorry :(

It has to be so very hard.

What kind of therapies and services is he signed up for?, How do you discipline him? I would say you need help, is he getting services? Taking any meds?, I would go to the tacanow.org website. Read about it And get him assessed for gut issues. Similar thing happened to my kid. He had parasites. Got rid of a lot of issues, First of all, I know it's hard. We have been through everything you wrote down. It's worse when you're living in an apartment complex... I was scared at times that someone would call the police. 

Our kiddos are very bright. They know what to do to get what they want and what makes us react. We have to outsmart them. It's very hard at first but after some times it becomes less and less difficult.

Kids, ND or NT, want attention, good or bad. And they need boundaries that they know will stay whatever happens. They will test it to the max, but when they know the boundary won't move, they eventually stop. 

My daughter is 11 years old now and it's really better. We had to work hard, to have help from social workers and go to therapy (individually and as a family)., Came here to say, I’m so sorry. My daughter is much like this still at the age of 9. The big thing here is he’s not punishing you, he’s trying to communicate the only way he knows how to show you how he’s feeling or what’s going on inside. He’s not punishing you, it’s not fun for him. I’m no world would anyone want to act or behave in such a way that hurts their selves. He’s letting out what’s going on inside. Keep trying you will have breakthroughs even the smallest ones, they add up and you guys will get thru this., Sounds like he’s having alot of anxiety and the acts of service he’s demanding are reassuring and comforting to him and make him feel secure and loved, You already have so much great info with all the advice/comments here. I’m so sorry you’re going through this tough stage, it sounds exhausting and terrible for your family… 

Have you tried connecting with him? Like fully connecting, where you’re having one on one fun with him and are in a flow state. Even starting small like sitting next to him while he’s playing on his tablet, and just existing parallel to him. Letting him know you want to be in his world.

Kids are so smart and intuitive, they are tuned into our feelings about them. From your post you sound disappointed, overwhelmed, exhausted, discouraged (all valid, because what you’re describing is so intense and shitty (no pun intended)), but he can feel all those negative feelings, and it’s creating a snowball of him continuing to fulfill the way you’re feeling about his behaviors and both your negative feelings and his negative behaviors increasing.

I’m not an educated expert; like others have said, do get the experts involved. But in the meantime (I know appointments and waitlists take time) try to simply connect with him, in a meaningful way.

Edited to add: I am saying this respectfully to you: I think you’re expecting too much from a 6 year old with autism. In your post you said you refused to walk with him 10ft down the hall to chaperone him to the bathroom. He was communicating a need to you, probably anxiety driven (he didn’t want to be alone), maybe he didn’t like the way his internal cues were feeling in his body (Google: interoception autism), and instead of being supportive you’re trying to prove to him that he’s a big boy and can pee alone. Yes, he’s physically capable of peeing alone, but in that moment if he’s wanting you to go with him, you should acquiesce to things like that. Pick your battles. If he’s demanding drinks from you (like your post states), respond with something humorous “welcome to the polite Diner, I’m your server, and I’ll get your drink order when I hear a thank you! Okay, that’ll be $35 for a drink.” Something silly like that.., Please don't listen to the people saying that this is sociopathic or that he is doing something wrong.  Our son is 6 and he struggled with some of what you describe.  We also live with neighbors and I'm grateful that none are below us.  Our son had been self harming for a while and he was nonverbal so we felt hopeless and there are still days where we feel overwhelmed like you.  He's a gestalt learner and his language acquisition helped tremendously but the biggest thing was giving him a safe space to act out, toy dump, throw items, etc. without us reacting.  We then would check in when he calmed...like a bell curve you don't provide anything when they are at the height but then when they settle you swoop in and give cuddles (if they like it). Also the physical exercise aspect.  We bought an indoor gym on Brain Rich Kids website (it was an investment at about $500.00 but it was worth it for both kids) When we stopped giving in to his behaviors while he was heightened it changed the dynamic slowly over time.  He still gets away with more than a typical kiddo but he is showing more flexibility with each day that passes.

I know no two kids with ASD are alike(we have two with very different needs!) but in ABA (which we stopped last year when he was 5) we learned about extinction bursts.  The more you allow it to continue the longer it takes to get rid of.  Give him a safe place to act out his behaviors and talk to your neighbors so they are aware...My husband and I have had that same fear that people will think we are abusing our son and that made it harder to stay calm in the moments and encouraged us to give in.

If you have tried this and it's not working then seeking resources is the next step.  Our son isn't medicated.

TLDR:

1. Provide safe space for calming and call it a ""break"".  Any escalation redirect him to take a break and then come in when he's calm. 
2. Let the neighbors know your challenges so they can be mindful and you can eliminate that fear for you.
3. exercise (swim, you tube videos instructing with fun images, parks)

I hope you find this helpful and you're not alone!, Are there any medications a psychiatrist can recommend here? Is there a special education person you can hire that can maybe instill a little
fear and discipline? Sorry just thinking out loud., Well. As a rule goes dont raise a child you hate. Especially scince 


A if you hate your child you are potentially dooming them. Because if you receed your affection at the smallest point youll neglect them possible life saving help.



B if you dont stop these behaviors now they will only manifest into worse behaviors later



On this note this is why you need to spank your child. To save them from themselves. That way they are not forced to suffer abandonment from every possible person scince they havent had these things instilled in them. Them shitting the carpet to prove a point is just playing with social fire.what about when there older and they try something similar to some one not you Who doesnt care. Like im being agressive here but those spankings are there to save your childs life. And for future refrence your gonna jack your kid up regardless its gonna happen some how. Better it be while trying to save there life. Or in accidental minor things, The thing is, when his therapist makes recommendations for anxiety relief, such as comfort items or like an inflatable canoe to lay in. He doesn't care about those things. He doesn't give them the time of day. Or he tries them once and it like eh I don't like it., I was going to say the same. I suspect my daughter is PDA (no one in our area can confirm that but it fits the bill). She's not quite as extreme as OP's child but probably 70% of the intensity OP described. Problematically, we live in an area short on resources in general, let alone anyone who can give us expert advice on PDA autism. And we are similarly failing on our own., Oh my gosh have we tried.
But then he learns SO fast how to cheat the system and rewards himself.
He bites his tongue figuratively to not have an outburst, and then says ""I didn't scream so I want my tablet"".
Obviously we aren't just rewarding every second he doesn't scream at us, so we will tell him something like he's had enough time with the tablet again and we are back to square one., Question for you: how did your parents get you to do the activities that ultimately helped you? If you remember or have tips I would be so grateful., The fact is he is manipulating you.  No 6 year old normal child is this demanding, and you gotta show him who’s boss before this shit blows up in your face., Whoa.
This is a really major thing to bring up regarding a 6 year old. 
He doesn't hurt anybody, he's not a sociopath.
He is just exhibiting negative behaviors.
It's not as if he's plotting our death. He's generally a very excitable happy child, but he is bossy and himself doesn't understand his motives and behaviors 

That movie/book is about a sociopathic child who grows up with 0 understanding or regard for how he affects others around him and does very dark things to his pet and sibling, and manipulates the father into believing its not happening, before he murders a bunch of people.

Really, this seems like a VERY outrageous thing to say. He's nothing like kevin, Sorry, I disagree. Typical six year olds do not defecate on the living room floor as a power move. There is something else going on here, perhaps attributable to autism, perhaps something else, but if I were OP I’d be looking for as much help as I could get. I didn’t see OP mention their support system. Speech therapist to communicate needs in more acceptable ways. Psychologist or parent-child interaction therapy (PCIT). School. ABA. Developmental pediatrician/psychologist to check for comorbidities—ADHD, OCD, intellectual disability, etc. This kid definitely needs a village., I’m not sure about that . I have the feeling if my son was verbal he would be vocalizing the things OP’s child say, because many behaviors are identical, Fear is the OPPOSITE of what is needed here. This child is terrified., If he is PDA and so disregulated that he isnt using the bathroom, laying in an inflatable canoe isn't going to do anything. Maybe check out the PDA subreddit and see if it clicks. Unfortunately if it is PDA, what you have been doing is the exact opposite of how you are supposed to manage it., Maybe these particular items don’t suit his personal needs? 

My daughter loves beanbags but hates the peapod that she had at school. She loves hammocks, but not swings. She prefers weight over being tucked in. She hates clothing when some kids thrive on being clothed. 

Your son’s preferences are probably unique and may take a few different tools to try and find the correct item that suits. Either way, I’d definitely try to set something up for him so that he can have a dedicated quiet space that is safe for him to be placed in when he is feeling like this. He can burn himself out and settle or nap and be safe in a quiet space (my daughter chose a tent this year, and she has it packed full of her favourite blankets and bunnies and books, and one particular light she enjoys). If she’s in a poor mood - or even screaming down the house - she is settled into her quiet space and is allowed to come out when she feels calm. We don’t keep her in there, but the rule is that she has to be calm. Otherwise, we know in our home, that she’ll wind up back in her quiet space very quickly. There are days where she even wants one of us to stay with her, just outside the tent. 

It’s just an idea, but it could be worth exploring., Individuals with PDA can become severely dehydrated and malnourished by being able to meet their own physical needs due to a perceived demand OR power imblance. I’m not sure but this behaviour is driven by something that should be assessed by the crisis team to rule out other options and link you with appropriate support. You cannot live like this and it’s ok to call someone and say you can’t keep going and you are in crisis. This is not a situation I would allow to keep playing out. Make a call today!, I recommend what others have said: mental health crisis team, asap. 

If you could, I’d attempt to flat out ignore the screaming (as long as he’s not injured or in need of urgent care - like changing his pants and so forth). It’s definitely a power play, and he can’t scream forever. If you teach him you’ll respond every time to his screams and tantrums (and if that’s all they are - you’ll have to check and keep an eye on him) then he’ll learn fairly quickly not to do it any more. My daughter tried to pull much of the same behaviour awhile back, and I recognised it from when *I* used to do the same as a child (of course, I grew up in a household where my ASD wasn’t recognised - so I just got thrown into my room, spanked, and basically threatened with everything that the old school parenting style had back in the 80s - and I don’t recommend any of that). For my daughter, however, it was a short-lived stint (about two weeks) before she realised that her tantrums and bossiness and demanding screams over cookies or sweets were getting ignored. And this was after several hundred attempts to explain and be calm with her over this. We still get the occasional screaming fit - but they are usually now from a place of anger and wanting to control the outcome. She eventually gives up when she realises we will carry on because her screaming like a banshee  for a lollipop is exhausting work when no one will cave. If the noise is too much: ear plugs and sit in the room to monitor his behaviours until he screams himself out. Redirect when able. Underline NO as a word that is final, and be a team - nobody slips. Instill penalties if you must: if you can’t use your inside voice then I will have to take all of the cookies away for an entire week.  Or: I know you’re angry, but I need you to stop screaming by the time I count to five. If you don’t stop screaming by the count of five, then I will have to take away your tablet for the rest of the day. Or: I know you’re angry and frustrated, but you I can’t understand you when you scream like that. If you’re looking for a snack, I can make us some popcorn. Would you like to help? Or: hey dude, would you like to come outside and take a walk with me? I was thinking of heading to the park. (You’ll want to gauge what level of redirection or correction you will need to take). It can take anywhere from 4-6 weeks to correct a behaviour, too, so don’t expect it to stop immediately or after a few days. 

Of course, I wouldn’t attempt **any of this** so without a consult first. I’m sorry you’re going through this, OP. If you’re able, maybe you can redirect his temper with some quiet time or a bath, something else that can occupy him and then, when he is calm, you can then remind him that he’s still the child and needs to try his best to follow the rules., Also wondering this. Sometimes they insist they are too tired to exercise with me, or too tired to play a game or their legs hurt and they don’t want to stand up. However if something doesn’t go their way they have sooo much energy to run laps around me, kick me/objects, flip tables 😬 suspected PDA over here too, Swimming was the first thing I was really in to. My parents got a membership at a swim place and we would go for hours at a time on the weekends. Or we would go to the beach for several hours. When I was six I got in to soccer and my parents signed me up on a rec. team with my bff (this was key). Definitely nothing forced or chore-like., How is that outrageous? The child is defecating on the floor as a power move!!!! Wtf!, I don't think he's anything like Kevin. Now my take on this is not the same situation but similar enough to try to give a tiny bit of advice based on my kids' experiences. My youngest is autistic but he's a happy kid all the time, like literally all the time, but his older brother a few years back got diagnosed with ODD (oppositional defiance disorder) and used to do a lot of the things you are describing to get his way (screaming for long times, following you etc). He'd also lash out and try to hit or scratch you if it was a really bad day. It was a brutal 3 year period for us. We got him into the therapy and frankly took the meltdowns for the next few weeks until he (slower than we would have liked lol) realized that we just weren't going to give into him. If he tried to hit me I'd walk away and keep walking away. Neighbors came over because of the screaming and stuff but I had gotten his doctor to write that we were doing therapy and not actually hurting him. It was alot for a couple of weeks and still had the occasional blow up for the next few months but now 3 years later, he's a brand new kid. Doing great in school life and home life. I know the autism your son has makes his situation a little different but maybe try looking into therapy that they offer for kids with ODD. Hope things get better soon for all of you!

Edit: spelling, phrasing, It sounds like your child doesn’t care if your basic needs for sleeping and using the toilet are met or not…, We he doesn't struggle to communicate his needs. He knows very clearly what he wants and he says it. It's his delivery.
I don't know how or when he picked up this habit of barking orders at us without even looking up from his tablet.
If we don't comply he stops his game or whatever he's doing and looks at us in disbelief that we aren't dropping everything we are doing to appease him. He's appalled that we aren't anticipating his thoughts for a pb&j and already have a fresh one ready.

And he's so rude to everyone.
He interrupts everyone who's talking to us and talks to us louder than they are to dominate the conversation and if we dismiss him, he will say in front of everyone that we aren't acting like ourselves and he doesn't like it and that it's time to go.
And I know what he's doing. He's trying to get us to retreat to a place where he knows nobody can get in his way., I am not an expert but from everything I've read so far, an autistic kid does not have the kind of awareness this kid is demonstrating. Maybe one of the experts here can comment., Seconding PDA. Check out: PDA society UK and US, Declarative language handbook, the family experience of PDA, etc. The key is shifting your impression and approach and you will see changes! A key aspect of PDA is the ability to use social strategies and manipulation to avoid demands. Remember despite the challenges of the behaviors, anxiety is at the root of it. He is not choosing this behavior, he’s likely in a fight or flight response., Not OP, but can you expand on “what you have been doing is the exact opposite of how you are supposed to manage it”?, What is PDA?, Swimming is a good idea. The only activity my son actually likes. He’s 5 tho so more will be revealed. Thanks, Speech therapist helps with delivery—that is communication too, it’s called pragmatics. He sounds insufferable and for your family’s sake you need professional intervention., My daughter sounds a lot like your son. She's about to turn 5. She also scream-talks over everyone and will get violent if her demands aren't met immediately. I am constantly covered in bruises. Everyone in the house, including our 3 year old (god I feel awful for him for this), wears headphones in order to drown out some of her screaming.

I wish I had advice for you. All I can do is echo the people saying to look up the PDA profile. It's not as well understood in the US but it's still worth looking up to see if there's anyone in your area who can offer services for PDA autism. There isn't anyone in my area who knows a damn thing about it and we're struggling with trying to figure it out on our own. But at least knowing what it is gives you a starting point., I honestly don’t even think I should respond because i am not educated in psychology especially children psychology enough to tell you what you should or shouldn’t do but from my own experience working with special needs children and also having a severely autistic 5yo son who can be demanding and likes things his way.. I believe the only thing that keeps him from taking things to this extreme is my clear Non tolerance for the shit. Pry me say that I am in no way judging you. Nor am I saying that taking this stance and implementing it is not the absolute hardest thing I’ve ever had to do… but it’s saved my sanity. My household peace. My son. My relationship with my son.. and even the relationship between his father and I. Yes it’s embarrassing.. yes me being the empathetic soul that I am was put in the position of constant stress thinking about our neighbors and what they thought of us as parents or if they thought we were harming our son… then thinking about my son and his feelings and his level of comprehension due to  the fact that he was non verbal.. I constantly thought that it was a chance I was permanently traumatizing him. Looking back that shit was ridiculous. Simply creating boundaries and not allowing a very smart but also very manipulative child control and essentially emotionally abuse you is not traumatizing the child. If anything it’s teaching them a valuable lesson. The first thing I did was completely stop responding to any request (demands) that were asked in a disrespectful way or any way that crossed a boundary of mine (my boundaries were mainly my feelings being hurt and being disrespected, as well as unappreciated) secondly I had a list of boundaries as well as negative behaviors under each behavior I wrote the redirection I’d apply so that I wasn’t just ignoring my child I was teaching him the correct way to requests his wants and express his needs. Thirdly that yelling and screaming shit.. as hard as it is you can not respond to it by showing how upset it makes you, jumping to resolve the issue to quiet him, none of that. Honestly the more you act like it’s not happening and it actually sounds like a sound machine playing relaxing wave tracks the less satisfaction he’ll get. Once he realized his tactics aren’t working and the only way to get what he’s requesting is to do what was taught to him by redirections he will change his behavior. It may take  few days or it could take months but I promise you if his behaviors aren’t producing the results he’s seeking they will stop.


I apologize for the lack of grammar, ton of typos, and pure chaos that is the structure of this comment 😂 I’m trying to cook dinner and tend to my demanding child. Sending ton of love and perseverance. I also have a ton of resources like books, blogs, community services l, federal services etc so just lmk what you need!, That isn’t autistic behavior. That is just being spoiled, Of course they can have the awareness. It’s a very broad spectrum. My son told his therapist I punch and abuse him and then later said it was just to see my reaction. I don’t lay a finger on him and he’s very much autistic. Autistic children can still push boundaries or do things to try to gain control and create reactions that they want. He’s learned his screaming gets him what he wants so he’s going to continue doing it. 

It’s like Pavlov’s bell, They can, autism is a huge spectrum. Lack of social awareness can show as inappropriate behavior/lack of embarassment as well, like defacating on the floor which would be embarassing to most 6 year olds. ""If I scream, I get what I want"" isn't that difficult to connect either, plenty of my non-verbal autistic students understand that to some degree. 

Pathological demand avoidance often has a different presentation from other autism spectrum disorders - usually more manipulative behavior to get out of demands - so that's something I'd consider. Additional disorders like anxiety disorders and adhd can clash with autism symptoms and make them much harder to handle for children. 

If OP hasn't yet, they should definitely take their son to a psychiatrist. I don't know if you've ever tried screaming for several hours, but it's exhausting. Typically developing children, even if they really want something, rarely make it past an hour - after that, it can cross the line into self-harming behavior. Medication, at least temporarily, can help address his anxiety and get him calm enough for behavioral interventions to work. Otherwise, stand your ground on the specific issue and offer whatever comfort or calming strategies you have available. Weighed blankets or vests often help, lava lamps or similar visuals, it really depends on the child and an occupational therapist can help you make a sensory profile. It's also important to rule out abuse or high stress situations in other parts of his life - of he doesn't act like this when he's out of school, doesn't have a specific therapy or doesn't see a specific person, that would point towards that being the issue., Yep - he doesn't lack interoception which is a core autism trait.

This is above reddit's paygrade. PDA can also coocur with adhd, and adhd and autism can overlap with some symptoms, so arm chair diagnosing isn't the way to go here at all. The kid needs a professional diagnosis and treatment plan., Ignoring demands, putting kids in time outs- basically all traditional forms of discipline will completely backfire with a PDA kid and make it 100 times worse. The more you try to make a child comply the more they ""act out"". It's an endless cycle. Instead, if it is PDA, you have to remove all demands completely., Pathological Demand Avoidance, I’ve been monitoring this thread and it’s getting out of control with the parent shaming, medical advice, suggesting that a child is a sociopath, and suggestions of abuse. 

OP I hope you got some helpful answers here., Mental health crisis team. Idk where you are but hopefully your county has one. Then a therapist that has training in special needs and play therapy, ABA therapy (look for one that allows to you observe some sessions), and a special needs parents support group., I'm going to go against the other comments and suggest that this is extreme PDA Autism. It sounds like he is extremely anxious and trying to control his environment to handle his anxiety., Yowsers this sounds so tough. Honestly having never been in this position you are free to take this advice with a grain of salt but it sounds like he is ruling the house and his screaming, yelling etc is getting him the desired results. Get some noise cancelling headphones and don't give in! At the first teeny tiny opportunity that he is displaying the behaviour you want him to be (waiting patiently, quietly, not screaming! Etc) give him what he desires straight away and keep at it. Do not give him anything when he is screaming at you like this. If it goes on for hours it goes on for hours it's going to be tough yes but it's never going to get easier by giving in to this behaviour. If he is a smart cookie he will figure this all out pretty quick., Agree with those suggesting PDA or ODD. Therapy alone will not make this better. A psychiatrist should be involved in your care., Whoa. 

So what I’m seeing here is a kid that has learned that you guys will jump when he says jump and if you don’t, he will do what he has to to make sure you do indeed jump.. rinse and repeat. The other part is anxiety..

My oldest was a level of this from about 3-9. It was intense and I’m grateful we didn’t live in an apartment with the level of wall banging, screaming for hours, (sometimes both of us) and the door slamming he was jknown for we ended up taking doors off hinges.. multiple times. You do what you have to to keep the peace and keep them from spiraling out of control sooooo much that by the time you realize you really fucked up, it’s too late. You’ve enabled the behavior for so long you feel like there’s no way out of not doing that.. because of the living conditions, you feel like he can’t scream for long. He can’t be this upset for long periods of time.. someone will call the police. Someone will call the apartment manager.. 

But he can. And before this is over, he will. 

First and foremost? Evaluation for anxiety if you haven’t done it already. He’s going to need therapy and yes, medication. Don’t be scared to medicate. If you were dealing with this level of anxiety, wouldn’t you meditate yourself? He NEEDS medication. It will be trial and error for a while to find the right stuff. 

 Mine is 19 now. We’ve had several diagnosis follow since the autism diagnosis.. adhd, depression, and now we’re looking at bipolar disorder. Did it get easier? Sure.. but harder in other ways. That need to control every aspect of everyone around them definitely got easier. I couod evenually sleep without the door locked worried about my kid stabbing me in the face with a kitchen knife.. 

But as puberty entered the chat, things got more difficult socially and hormones played a huge factor in several aspects.. 

But the screaming stopped.  

It won’t be fast or easy, but if things don’t get better, I’d be looking into a hold at a psych unit. We didn’t make it there, but literally only because I figured if we did, he would blame me and things would be so much worse when he got out. I kinda forgot they sort meds and stuff while there. 🤷🏻‍♀️ 

I have multiple kids with autism, anxiety, adhd..  but none have ever been like my oldest. He was/is a different beast entirely. It will get better, but you gotta fight for that light at the end of the tunnel. He’s struggling, and trying to regulate himself, but can’t because he literally has no idea what to do that will help. He needs to be taught. Enabling by giving into the behavior (no judgement because I seriously understand exactly why, I’m a huge enabler to this day- I’m just explaining what’s going on) is like a bandaid.. it works for a moment but it just makes it worse the next time because he knows if he can get you guys to do the jump, he’ll also feel better for the moment.. so you guys just keep doing this either way each other until something changes. You gotta make the moves to change the behaviors. It’s a long uphill battle.. 

But it DOES GET BETTER. Keep fighting., I was basically this kid (not quite to this extent) and this is what helped- Vigorous physical activity every day. First of all it really is great for physical regulation and sleep, and secondly it’s a way to connect with my parents, friends etc. As an ADHD/ PDA kid what I really really wanted was connection- and if I couldn’t get it in a positive way I would immediately act out to get it in a negative way. For me being involved in tons of sports, swimming, climbing etc. was a life saver., This sounds like stress behaviour/dysregulation to me. Like my 5.5yo (probably autistic) acts like this when he is hungry, needs to poop, is ill, is stressed out, is tired etc. Escalating it by trying to enforce a boundary or hierarchy will just make it worse in that moment. Trying to engage with what they are saying as though it has any logic does not work in that moment. Think about how wild animals act when they are threatened - if his nervous system has kicked him into fight or flight, then he is indeed running off ""old software"" - a part of our brain that we share with our animal ancestors. He's not in his prefrontal cortex where we process speech, language, logic. His brain is basically telling him his life might be in danger and he needs to fight for his life - that's why his behaviour is so extreme.

**In the moment**:

You need to establish safety. So meet physical needs, however they are expressed (hunger - not candy - thirst, discomfort) and then focus on safety. If he is telling you that he can't be alone, then don't force him to be alone just now. Tag team in and out if you need to because this is draining AF.

Start reducing stimulus in the environment. Turn lights off/down. Remove sources of noise (turn things off/down, including stuff like fans and electrical items which make a whine if you can, offer him headphones, which he might not take.) Consider taking him to a smaller, more enclosed space, if he would find this comforting. If this would scare him more, then don't.

Use your own nervous system to signal safety. Which means - trying as much as you can to remain calm (I know that is really hard - visualising him as a scared wild animal can help here). Move slowly. Crouch to his level. Make your voice soft and slow and low. Don't argue, convince, or admonish. Say soothing/validating things e.g. about his emotions (don't promise him stuff like TV/candy/or try to persuade him to calm himself down.) Make your breathing very deep, slow, and obvious, but don't ask him to breathe. If you like, you can narrate what you're doing ""I'm taking deep, slow breaths to keep myself calm."" Or you can repeat things like ""You are safe. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. I'm going to stay with you until you feel safe again.""

Oxytocin helps. So human to human contact (again - know your own kid - if he does not want this, then respect that) like a hug, stroke, pat, squeeze.

Deep pressure can help. He might like to be wrapped in a blanket. Movement like rocking can also help - on your lap, or in a swing etc.

Other sensory inputs can help. You might offer him access to things like squeeze toys, chewy toys, a cool pack, a warmed heat pack, visual toys like those sparkle bottles, noisy toys he can press a button to make the same sound over and over again. Some children also like to spin or go upside down (though some will find this makes things worse).

Once he's calm he will probably be exhausted. So keep things calm and low and don't expect too much from him. But he might be more able to talk at this point.

**In general**:

It is probably worth trying to reduce stress/demands in the environment in general. A great resource for this is Stuart Shanker's Self-Reg and I have also heard great things about The Out of Sync Child.

The other one I love is Conscious Discipline by Becky A Bailey. You might also find The Explosive Child helpful. It's likely a good idea to take ideas like time out out of your repertoire entirely. Instead of reacting to behaviour you don't like, look to the root cause of the behaviour.

You should look into the PDA profile of autism., Long post...but I have been through this. 

I do believe ABA will be able to help you.  I know that you know that your child should not be running the show and it absolutely does sound like that is what is happening. Autism or not, children need boundaries to fulfill their need to feel safe in their environments. I know it sounds crazy, but when young children push a boundary they are testing their caregivers to see if they are in control. The funny thing about tantrums is that we actually teach our kids to have them, inadvertently. I am not talking about meltdowns, which are different. All kids will tantrum, and if we give in, they know to just keep screaming because they will break you. If you have tried to outlast the tantrum but gave up after 10 minutes...your child will understand that if they just keep acting outrageous for at least 10 minutes and you will absolutely give in. This is not the power you want to give to a little kid. 

Having said that I also had a little tyrant running my house years ago. My firstborn. I had no idea what I was doing and had never experienced healthy discipline before (I got beat...I was NOT about to do that to my kids) so I didn't understand what a boundary was let alone how to set one. I absolutely did not understand that my failed attempts to outlast her would only LENGTHEN the hellish screaming. My neighbors DID call the cops a few time (they were very kind and understanding). What helped me was getting a job as a paraprofessional in an early intervention classroom. The teacher was AMAZING and she taught me so much about behavior and discipline and I had real time practice with my students in the classroom. It totally transformed my parenting completely. Then our district had us all trained in ABA and that was just the icing on the cake. 

All this to say that you absolutely can turn this around. You just need some support from professionals who specialize in behavior modification. Also....warn your neighbors! Tell them if they are worried they can come over and make sure things are ok. That is what I wound up doing., I would involve a psychiatrist immediately and demand a medication. This isn’t a typical presentation of autism, something else is going on that is beyond therapies. I’m sorry., Stop being push overs. 

I’m probably going to be down voted to heck for this, but it’s true. Look yourself in the mirror and you will concur. If your child is as smart/cunning as you say he is (and I believe you do. YOU know your child best) he will pick up on the sudden dichotomy shift when you stand up for yourselves., Could a temporary stay at the pediatric ward of a psych hospital help break the cycle, properly diagnose him, and give them a chance to test out and dial in some heavy duty medication? This is beyond what most parents are equipped to handle. I'm not sure what your insurance is like and if that would be covered. I recommend getting videos of the most offensive behavior so when you speak to a psychiatrist they know you're not exaggerating.

Maybe the facility could get a behavioral system that finally works (akin to counting to three with consistent rewards/consquences and things along those lines) and then you maintain it consistently once he returns home? Basically, something that would stop the pattern and then do everything in your power not to give in when he returns home. Heck, I might even move apartments while he's gone if i thought it would reduce the chance of him from spontaneously reverting to his old ways (triggered by environment). Then tell him, ""sorry, this is the new house with the new rules"" and stick to whatever the new rules are (the shorter and simpler the better, of course).  I'm sure folks here would say that changing homes would make him anxious or something, but I am of the mindset that shitting on the floor is cause for drastic measures.

If not residential treatment now,  maybe he could start at a special ed school soon if you have access to one?  You do NOT want to be dealing with this level of intensity as he gets stronger in the teen years. :(  I commend you for taking it seriously now.

Do you have access to respite care for you, your wife, and your toddler? And I'm sorry to mention it, but this sounds like it has to be affecting your 3 year old significantly. The last thing you want is the younger one starting to copy all of these behaviors.

My apologies if the above suggestion sound harsh, but like you, in the 80's my dad would have just gagged us with a handkerchief everytime we screamed or maybe dumped a cold bucket of water on us, neurotypical or not. I mean, aside from (or maybe in addition to?) the beatings...it sounds like you know what I mean.  He called that sort of thing ""an attention getter"" or a ""memory aid""....as in, I bet you'll remember not to do that next time. It's a different day and age so medication and behavioral modification (with the help of professionals) are more appropriate, far less abusive tools.

Honestly, I don't know how you've made it this long without help., I'd look into wraparound services in your area. He's 6, so that's school age. Does he act like this at school??, My first thought was that it could be ODD, which tends to occur with autism. Whatever it is, you guys definitely need a professional to step in., That boy needs boundaries. 

Being autistic doesn't mean you're allowed to bully your family. 

You should not blame yourself, that just makes you feel guilty and you'll give in to his demands. 

You tried your best and your methods aren't working so well, so it's time to change tactics and set boundaries. 

He's clever. It won't take him too long to realise that his strategy isn't working anymore. 

He'll learn to use more appropriate strategies to let you guys know his needs and wishes. 

You just won't be able to do that all by yourself, you need professional help. 

Best of luck and please never feel guilty. It's not your fault and you are doing your best., This may be totally off base, but sometimes kids will act out with the people they feel safest with or trust the most when something else in their life is very wrong. A medical issue, a major change that feels out of control, high stress or overwhelming demands at school/ therapy, or mistreatment/abuse/bullying from a peer or other adult in their life. Those types of issues can be hard to articulate even for people with great language skills, and can cause big feelings that are confusing and hard to process. There might be nothing, but it can't hurt to take stock and rule things out.

This all sounds incredibly difficult and overwhelming.  I'm sorry your family is going through this., I'm sorry you're having such a challenging time. I'm replying to say thank you for sharing your experience and I'm finding the responses to your post helpful too (especially for PDA). My daughter (7) has many overlapping behaviours, including the severe need to control and separation anxiety. Screaming continuously until we go to her, even to the point of vomiting. She's trashed the house and yard countless times.
We've worked closely with an occupational therapist to help manage her sensory overwhelm; had her tonsils and adenoids removed to improve her sleep; moved schools to one where they take neurodivergent wellbeing seriously; we even use regular worming treatments (seems to improve her anger, so she must suffer a lot and not be able to verbalise); and as parents we've had to dig deep to learn how to calm down so she can coregulate without us using words.
I hope you have some breakthroughs and keep reaching out for support., Another vote for PDA here. And it’s exhausting. You have to completely relearn a new way of talking to individuals with PDA, low demand parenting (which is extremely hard if you have more than one child and they aren’t neurodivergent) is the way to go to avoid meltdowns. But it’s hard. You’re not alone., You’ll find so many similar experiences - and worse - in the PDA groups. One other thought - especially if you notice any link to being sick and behavior getting worse - or taking anti-biotics and behavior getting better - is to look at autoimmune encephalitis/PANS/PANDAS. Basically psychiatric symptoms caused by infections/immune system reactions, often chronic. This is definitely another rabbit hole to go down. Classic case is sudden onset, but there can be more chronic presentations too. Kid might still be PDA, and you need a low demand approach, but you have underlying, treatable medical issues exacerbating., Sounds like his behavior is so reinforced that he knows you don't stand a chance. There's no way for you guys to make any progress since you're in an apartment and the screaming will mostly likely get you kicked out. I'm sorry. I have some suggestions but not sure if you've already tried them., [removed], It doesn't seem like these behavior issues are autism related.  These just sound like behavior issues even a non-autistic kid would demonstrate. In fact, it feels more non-autistic. My son has these episodes where he really misbehaves and in those moments I treat him like a normal child without any special privileges. I treat him like my daughter who does not have autism. And by that I mean that I give him time out, stop listening to him and paying attention and don't pamper him. 

It's worked for us so far., My child had similar behaviors it’s very difficult to deal with.  Adding medication along with everything else we were doing (therapy, fidgets, weighted blanket,etc) finally made a difference.  Before it could go on for hours and she would hurt herself and my wife, now the meltdowns will maybe last 10-15 minutes and not be half as intense., I recommend checking out the strategies from Dr Casey Ehrlich, she describes scenarios like this a lot, and her very informative instagram page is: atpeaceparents, PDA, Does he have outside services such as ABA? If not it sounds like it may be needed. Are these new behaviors or has this developed over time? I would definitely suggest outside help and like others have mentioned ignoring negative cries for attention. No matter how embarrassing it may be. I don’t know how close your neighbors are but really if your child is autistic and yelling for attention I wouldn’t care or worry who hears as long as he is safe and his needs are met, let him yell. Hard as that may be. He will tire himself out and eventually realize he is not getting what he wants by exhibiting said behaviors. You said he is 6, I would assume he is in school? Does he display these behaviors in school? Does he have an IEP? If so to either of these questions I would see how the school handles these outbursts and ask for any recommendations? I definitely would not give attention to any negative behaviors, which might be hard to relearn if in the past he is used to instant gratification from throwing tantrums, it will take time to unlearn these behaviors. Reinforcing your role as the parent when he is exhibiting bad behaviors as in, I know you are thirsty or hungry, but we do not get what we want by screaming, when you calm down I will help you with whatever you may need. Ignoring other behaviors you mentioned, it may seem hard and he may throw a tantrum and scream. Let him. When you give in to those behaviors he knows he can continue to do so and get attention. It may be a hard cycle to break, but since he is verbal and able to communicate his needs it seems reasonable to assume he will understand if you tell him what will not be tolerated. If he won’t sit in time out I would tell him this is not acceptable, we can help you when you calm down. Making him sit down next to you on the couch perhaps, maybe putting a program on tv he likes, reading a book with him he likes, etc and loving on him until he relaxes enough to listen or gets his tantrum out his system in a safe space next to you may work better than just a time out chair by himself. Let him yell or cry it out. Comfort him while he is upset but absolutely do not give in to demands while he is in that space. I feel for you, it may be hard but it can get better! It may take some time to unlearn the behaviors but you have to stick to your guns and not let your 6 yr old run your household., My son is autistic and non-verbal and he is a habitual line stepper with everyone he tries. If he gets even on second of seeing someone will give into him he doesn’t leave it alone. We have to be very strict with certain things to keep it from escalating. I also recommend ABA before you medicate. ABA is super easy in the beginning because they want to get a good relationship with him so that he is happy when they come, but it will slowly turn to work for him. I would definitely try that., It’s concerning how it sounds like he’s trying to control everything around him 24/7, you both included.

There seems to be an element of manipulation to the screaming like you’re hurting him anytime he’s slightly hungry, &/or he can’t regulate his feelings at all. 

That could be something other than autism, or just normal kid behaviour getting the best of you both because you’re too tired to uphold strict boundaries.

Have there been any big changes at home or in his life? He sounds extremely clingy, maybe he just doesn’t know how to process something or get the support he needs in general? 

I also constantly hear awful things about how terrible kids tv can be for developing brains. It can absolutely cause or exacerbate behavioural problems, & create distance between parent/child if it’s getting in the way of one on one play &/or you’re being punished for not allowing them to watch it whenever it’s off. It is frankly an addiction when kids feel they NEED to watch tv & act out when you don’t give in. 

This is no life for him either, he needs help desperately. This is not something that is going to change over night, & I’m sorry that you’re going through it., I’m going with a different response. Your kid knows he can manipulate you by using these tactics, so I’d reverse roles a bit. If they are fake crying, fake cry back cause his sadness is making you sad. He’s yelling, yell back you can’t get what he wants cause he’s yelling at you. Be ridiculously exaggerated with it, but he doesn’t get what he wants with that behavior happening. Afterward, when he’s calm, talk about how that behavior is not going to get him what he wants, that people would rather avoid him than be helpful. Then show him more constructive ways of getting what he wants., We have a similar issue with our son (5-1/2 now). Ours has been tough since day 1, the nature of the problems evolved and changed, he was so delayed that we ended up being way to permissive because we felt we needed to encourage typical milestones when they seemed in reach. 

We'd get so much impractical advice from parents of typical kids too, it was as exhausting and depressing as the issues themselves.

We did end up having to move because we were in an apartment too and there was no way it would work. He would slam his feet, smash anything he got his hands on, slam his body again the doors/walls... we'd have to hold him at times to stop him from hurting himself. We got complaints from neighbors, some moved on their own, and our landlord couldn't easily demand we move so they just presented a renewal that was so expensive we had no choice but to go. We are fortunate I make enough that we were able to buy a single family.

That said, yours sounds similar to ours and I'd describe it as ""spoiled"" -- that's not a dig on you, you sound engaged, but beaten down, and you're dealing with a kid who is not typical -- 

My feeling from observing our kid vs others is that just like some fruit and bread ""spoils"" easily so do some kids, especially the ones like ours. They are just wired to recognize how to manipulate and use it for their own gain.

Our son learned similar things to yours -- fake crying while looking right at us, shouting for help, acting disrespectfully to us while asking for things or while we are helping. He's compliant for others outside the home, but alone with us it can be a nightmare.

The fake crying and hysterics -- we sit in the room with him and we do nothing else (no phone, no reading) and just wait it out... we don't raise our voice, we say ""when you're done acting like a baby, and are ready to act like a little boy again, we can do something else"". Since he wants to direct it at us it means we can move him where we want by moving ourselves there without saying anything (he'll follow us), we never demand he go somewhere because it empowers him to say no and resist, so instead we just move there and his desire to direct his feelings at us compels him to follow.

The shouting for help -- We've explained to ours what will happen if he keeps shouting for help, eventually the police *will* come, and they may take him away for a while to figure out why he yelled for help. He will probably have to stay somewhere else for a few days without us. He did it a few more times and we'd say ""We've told you what happens if you keep going, but you aren't stopping, so if they come take you there isn't anything we can do, *it's your choice*."" Then we treat similarly to the fake crying where we wait it out.

Disrespectfulness -- he'll ask for help, sometimes he'll make a mess in the process out of frustration, we'll say OK we're here to help you but we need clean this up first, he'll say no, or say ""but you made me wait to so long so it's your fault"", we stop and he needs to help clean and he needs to ask respectfully before we continue. Again, passively stopping the activity until he corrects.

Anger at not getting what he wants -- TV, games, things that aren't good for him (food or activities)... we just don't let him. Yes, it wrecks our lives to some degree, it triggers the behaviors above, but having seen the alternative it's still better.

Overall the goal is to help him recognize his situation will be worse while the bad behavior continues. We stop when he acts bad. We've also stopped rewarding good behavior, because he's learned (like your kid) that doing the thing we ask was getting a reward and it was too confusing to him to recognize the difference between doing the right thing following an hour of hysterics vs doing the right thing when asked.

From the outside we are now told we're too harsh--including by both our parents who have seen but never really lived the bad behavior-- but these people don't understand, they never have had to deal with it (and we still get it, just to a much lesser degree... we get maybe an half hour of hysterics per day vs multiple times per day before), so to the critics I say I don't care. Our son is loving and we're helping him recognize that the world will not cater to him and his parents won't either.

In another era our son would likely get spanked, slapped, locked in a room, etc... he'd probably learn from that negative reinforcement to avoid behaviors, but it would also become a technique he'd use on others. Now at least all he's learning from us is that when his normalcy stops our normalcy stops. If he wants it back, he needs to give it too. We do remind him, and we do ""olive branch"" by offering a next activity when he seems like he's stuck in a ""loop"" and can't break himself out, but it requires he act quiet/respectful before we start.

**tldr: passive resistance to the bad behaviors (do not introduce new demands), and removing ""rewards"" for good behavior, has worked for us. You act normal and you get normal, you act poorly and you get a shutdown..**, Does he go to school? What kinds of therapy he receives? This is not a typical 6 y old with or without autism. You need to find professionals for help. I don’t believe ABA will work especially with those inexperienced behavioral technicians., I am so sorry :(

It has to be so very hard.

What kind of therapies and services is he signed up for?, How do you discipline him? I would say you need help, is he getting services? Taking any meds?, I would go to the tacanow.org website. Read about it And get him assessed for gut issues. Similar thing happened to my kid. He had parasites. Got rid of a lot of issues, First of all, I know it's hard. We have been through everything you wrote down. It's worse when you're living in an apartment complex... I was scared at times that someone would call the police. 

Our kiddos are very bright. They know what to do to get what they want and what makes us react. We have to outsmart them. It's very hard at first but after some times it becomes less and less difficult.

Kids, ND or NT, want attention, good or bad. And they need boundaries that they know will stay whatever happens. They will test it to the max, but when they know the boundary won't move, they eventually stop. 

My daughter is 11 years old now and it's really better. We had to work hard, to have help from social workers and go to therapy (individually and as a family)., Came here to say, I’m so sorry. My daughter is much like this still at the age of 9. The big thing here is he’s not punishing you, he’s trying to communicate the only way he knows how to show you how he’s feeling or what’s going on inside. He’s not punishing you, it’s not fun for him. I’m no world would anyone want to act or behave in such a way that hurts their selves. He’s letting out what’s going on inside. Keep trying you will have breakthroughs even the smallest ones, they add up and you guys will get thru this., Sounds like he’s having alot of anxiety and the acts of service he’s demanding are reassuring and comforting to him and make him feel secure and loved, You already have so much great info with all the advice/comments here. I’m so sorry you’re going through this tough stage, it sounds exhausting and terrible for your family… 

Have you tried connecting with him? Like fully connecting, where you’re having one on one fun with him and are in a flow state. Even starting small like sitting next to him while he’s playing on his tablet, and just existing parallel to him. Letting him know you want to be in his world.

Kids are so smart and intuitive, they are tuned into our feelings about them. From your post you sound disappointed, overwhelmed, exhausted, discouraged (all valid, because what you’re describing is so intense and shitty (no pun intended)), but he can feel all those negative feelings, and it’s creating a snowball of him continuing to fulfill the way you’re feeling about his behaviors and both your negative feelings and his negative behaviors increasing.

I’m not an educated expert; like others have said, do get the experts involved. But in the meantime (I know appointments and waitlists take time) try to simply connect with him, in a meaningful way.

Edited to add: I am saying this respectfully to you: I think you’re expecting too much from a 6 year old with autism. In your post you said you refused to walk with him 10ft down the hall to chaperone him to the bathroom. He was communicating a need to you, probably anxiety driven (he didn’t want to be alone), maybe he didn’t like the way his internal cues were feeling in his body (Google: interoception autism), and instead of being supportive you’re trying to prove to him that he’s a big boy and can pee alone. Yes, he’s physically capable of peeing alone, but in that moment if he’s wanting you to go with him, you should acquiesce to things like that. Pick your battles. If he’s demanding drinks from you (like your post states), respond with something humorous “welcome to the polite Diner, I’m your server, and I’ll get your drink order when I hear a thank you! Okay, that’ll be $35 for a drink.” Something silly like that.., Please don't listen to the people saying that this is sociopathic or that he is doing something wrong.  Our son is 6 and he struggled with some of what you describe.  We also live with neighbors and I'm grateful that none are below us.  Our son had been self harming for a while and he was nonverbal so we felt hopeless and there are still days where we feel overwhelmed like you.  He's a gestalt learner and his language acquisition helped tremendously but the biggest thing was giving him a safe space to act out, toy dump, throw items, etc. without us reacting.  We then would check in when he calmed...like a bell curve you don't provide anything when they are at the height but then when they settle you swoop in and give cuddles (if they like it). Also the physical exercise aspect.  We bought an indoor gym on Brain Rich Kids website (it was an investment at about $500.00 but it was worth it for both kids) When we stopped giving in to his behaviors while he was heightened it changed the dynamic slowly over time.  He still gets away with more than a typical kiddo but he is showing more flexibility with each day that passes.

I know no two kids with ASD are alike(we have two with very different needs!) but in ABA (which we stopped last year when he was 5) we learned about extinction bursts.  The more you allow it to continue the longer it takes to get rid of.  Give him a safe place to act out his behaviors and talk to your neighbors so they are aware...My husband and I have had that same fear that people will think we are abusing our son and that made it harder to stay calm in the moments and encouraged us to give in.

If you have tried this and it's not working then seeking resources is the next step.  Our son isn't medicated.

TLDR:

1. Provide safe space for calming and call it a ""break"".  Any escalation redirect him to take a break and then come in when he's calm. 
2. Let the neighbors know your challenges so they can be mindful and you can eliminate that fear for you.
3. exercise (swim, you tube videos instructing with fun images, parks)

I hope you find this helpful and you're not alone!, Are there any medications a psychiatrist can recommend here? Is there a special education person you can hire that can maybe instill a little
fear and discipline? Sorry just thinking out loud., Well. As a rule goes dont raise a child you hate. Especially scince 


A if you hate your child you are potentially dooming them. Because if you receed your affection at the smallest point youll neglect them possible life saving help.



B if you dont stop these behaviors now they will only manifest into worse behaviors later



On this note this is why you need to spank your child. To save them from themselves. That way they are not forced to suffer abandonment from every possible person scince they havent had these things instilled in them. Them shitting the carpet to prove a point is just playing with social fire.what about when there older and they try something similar to some one not you Who doesnt care. Like im being agressive here but those spankings are there to save your childs life. And for future refrence your gonna jack your kid up regardless its gonna happen some how. Better it be while trying to save there life. Or in accidental minor things, The thing is, when his therapist makes recommendations for anxiety relief, such as comfort items or like an inflatable canoe to lay in. He doesn't care about those things. He doesn't give them the time of day. Or he tries them once and it like eh I don't like it., I was going to say the same. I suspect my daughter is PDA (no one in our area can confirm that but it fits the bill). She's not quite as extreme as OP's child but probably 70% of the intensity OP described. Problematically, we live in an area short on resources in general, let alone anyone who can give us expert advice on PDA autism. And we are similarly failing on our own., Oh my gosh have we tried.
But then he learns SO fast how to cheat the system and rewards himself.
He bites his tongue figuratively to not have an outburst, and then says ""I didn't scream so I want my tablet"".
Obviously we aren't just rewarding every second he doesn't scream at us, so we will tell him something like he's had enough time with the tablet again and we are back to square one., Question for you: how did your parents get you to do the activities that ultimately helped you? If you remember or have tips I would be so grateful., The fact is he is manipulating you.  No 6 year old normal child is this demanding, and you gotta show him who’s boss before this shit blows up in your face., Whoa.
This is a really major thing to bring up regarding a 6 year old. 
He doesn't hurt anybody, he's not a sociopath.
He is just exhibiting negative behaviors.
It's not as if he's plotting our death. He's generally a very excitable happy child, but he is bossy and himself doesn't understand his motives and behaviors 

That movie/book is about a sociopathic child who grows up with 0 understanding or regard for how he affects others around him and does very dark things to his pet and sibling, and manipulates the father into believing its not happening, before he murders a bunch of people.

Really, this seems like a VERY outrageous thing to say. He's nothing like kevin, Sorry, I disagree. Typical six year olds do not defecate on the living room floor as a power move. There is something else going on here, perhaps attributable to autism, perhaps something else, but if I were OP I’d be looking for as much help as I could get. I didn’t see OP mention their support system. Speech therapist to communicate needs in more acceptable ways. Psychologist or parent-child interaction therapy (PCIT). School. ABA. Developmental pediatrician/psychologist to check for comorbidities—ADHD, OCD, intellectual disability, etc. This kid definitely needs a village., I’m not sure about that . I have the feeling if my son was verbal he would be vocalizing the things OP’s child say, because many behaviors are identical, Fear is the OPPOSITE of what is needed here. This child is terrified., If he is PDA and so disregulated that he isnt using the bathroom, laying in an inflatable canoe isn't going to do anything. Maybe check out the PDA subreddit and see if it clicks. Unfortunately if it is PDA, what you have been doing is the exact opposite of how you are supposed to manage it., Maybe these particular items don’t suit his personal needs? 

My daughter loves beanbags but hates the peapod that she had at school. She loves hammocks, but not swings. She prefers weight over being tucked in. She hates clothing when some kids thrive on being clothed. 

Your son’s preferences are probably unique and may take a few different tools to try and find the correct item that suits. Either way, I’d definitely try to set something up for him so that he can have a dedicated quiet space that is safe for him to be placed in when he is feeling like this. He can burn himself out and settle or nap and be safe in a quiet space (my daughter chose a tent this year, and she has it packed full of her favourite blankets and bunnies and books, and one particular light she enjoys). If she’s in a poor mood - or even screaming down the house - she is settled into her quiet space and is allowed to come out when she feels calm. We don’t keep her in there, but the rule is that she has to be calm. Otherwise, we know in our home, that she’ll wind up back in her quiet space very quickly. There are days where she even wants one of us to stay with her, just outside the tent. 

It’s just an idea, but it could be worth exploring., Individuals with PDA can become severely dehydrated and malnourished by being able to meet their own physical needs due to a perceived demand OR power imblance. I’m not sure but this behaviour is driven by something that should be assessed by the crisis team to rule out other options and link you with appropriate support. You cannot live like this and it’s ok to call someone and say you can’t keep going and you are in crisis. This is not a situation I would allow to keep playing out. Make a call today!, I recommend what others have said: mental health crisis team, asap. 

If you could, I’d attempt to flat out ignore the screaming (as long as he’s not injured or in need of urgent care - like changing his pants and so forth). It’s definitely a power play, and he can’t scream forever. If you teach him you’ll respond every time to his screams and tantrums (and if that’s all they are - you’ll have to check and keep an eye on him) then he’ll learn fairly quickly not to do it any more. My daughter tried to pull much of the same behaviour awhile back, and I recognised it from when *I* used to do the same as a child (of course, I grew up in a household where my ASD wasn’t recognised - so I just got thrown into my room, spanked, and basically threatened with everything that the old school parenting style had back in the 80s - and I don’t recommend any of that). For my daughter, however, it was a short-lived stint (about two weeks) before she realised that her tantrums and bossiness and demanding screams over cookies or sweets were getting ignored. And this was after several hundred attempts to explain and be calm with her over this. We still get the occasional screaming fit - but they are usually now from a place of anger and wanting to control the outcome. She eventually gives up when she realises we will carry on because her screaming like a banshee  for a lollipop is exhausting work when no one will cave. If the noise is too much: ear plugs and sit in the room to monitor his behaviours until he screams himself out. Redirect when able. Underline NO as a word that is final, and be a team - nobody slips. Instill penalties if you must: if you can’t use your inside voice then I will have to take all of the cookies away for an entire week.  Or: I know you’re angry, but I need you to stop screaming by the time I count to five. If you don’t stop screaming by the count of five, then I will have to take away your tablet for the rest of the day. Or: I know you’re angry and frustrated, but you I can’t understand you when you scream like that. If you’re looking for a snack, I can make us some popcorn. Would you like to help? Or: hey dude, would you like to come outside and take a walk with me? I was thinking of heading to the park. (You’ll want to gauge what level of redirection or correction you will need to take). It can take anywhere from 4-6 weeks to correct a behaviour, too, so don’t expect it to stop immediately or after a few days. 

Of course, I wouldn’t attempt **any of this** so without a consult first. I’m sorry you’re going through this, OP. If you’re able, maybe you can redirect his temper with some quiet time or a bath, something else that can occupy him and then, when he is calm, you can then remind him that he’s still the child and needs to try his best to follow the rules., Also wondering this. Sometimes they insist they are too tired to exercise with me, or too tired to play a game or their legs hurt and they don’t want to stand up. However if something doesn’t go their way they have sooo much energy to run laps around me, kick me/objects, flip tables 😬 suspected PDA over here too, Swimming was the first thing I was really in to. My parents got a membership at a swim place and we would go for hours at a time on the weekends. Or we would go to the beach for several hours. When I was six I got in to soccer and my parents signed me up on a rec. team with my bff (this was key). Definitely nothing forced or chore-like., How is that outrageous? The child is defecating on the floor as a power move!!!! Wtf!, I don't think he's anything like Kevin. Now my take on this is not the same situation but similar enough to try to give a tiny bit of advice based on my kids' experiences. My youngest is autistic but he's a happy kid all the time, like literally all the time, but his older brother a few years back got diagnosed with ODD (oppositional defiance disorder) and used to do a lot of the things you are describing to get his way (screaming for long times, following you etc). He'd also lash out and try to hit or scratch you if it was a really bad day. It was a brutal 3 year period for us. We got him into the therapy and frankly took the meltdowns for the next few weeks until he (slower than we would have liked lol) realized that we just weren't going to give into him. If he tried to hit me I'd walk away and keep walking away. Neighbors came over because of the screaming and stuff but I had gotten his doctor to write that we were doing therapy and not actually hurting him. It was alot for a couple of weeks and still had the occasional blow up for the next few months but now 3 years later, he's a brand new kid. Doing great in school life and home life. I know the autism your son has makes his situation a little different but maybe try looking into therapy that they offer for kids with ODD. Hope things get better soon for all of you!

Edit: spelling, phrasing, It sounds like your child doesn’t care if your basic needs for sleeping and using the toilet are met or not…, We he doesn't struggle to communicate his needs. He knows very clearly what he wants and he says it. It's his delivery.
I don't know how or when he picked up this habit of barking orders at us without even looking up from his tablet.
If we don't comply he stops his game or whatever he's doing and looks at us in disbelief that we aren't dropping everything we are doing to appease him. He's appalled that we aren't anticipating his thoughts for a pb&j and already have a fresh one ready.

And he's so rude to everyone.
He interrupts everyone who's talking to us and talks to us louder than they are to dominate the conversation and if we dismiss him, he will say in front of everyone that we aren't acting like ourselves and he doesn't like it and that it's time to go.
And I know what he's doing. He's trying to get us to retreat to a place where he knows nobody can get in his way., I am not an expert but from everything I've read so far, an autistic kid does not have the kind of awareness this kid is demonstrating. Maybe one of the experts here can comment., Seconding PDA. Check out: PDA society UK and US, Declarative language handbook, the family experience of PDA, etc. The key is shifting your impression and approach and you will see changes! A key aspect of PDA is the ability to use social strategies and manipulation to avoid demands. Remember despite the challenges of the behaviors, anxiety is at the root of it. He is not choosing this behavior, he’s likely in a fight or flight response., Not OP, but can you expand on “what you have been doing is the exact opposite of how you are supposed to manage it”?, What is PDA?, Swimming is a good idea. The only activity my son actually likes. He’s 5 tho so more will be revealed. Thanks, Speech therapist helps with delivery—that is communication too, it’s called pragmatics. He sounds insufferable and for your family’s sake you need professional intervention., My daughter sounds a lot like your son. She's about to turn 5. She also scream-talks over everyone and will get violent if her demands aren't met immediately. I am constantly covered in bruises. Everyone in the house, including our 3 year old (god I feel awful for him for this), wears headphones in order to drown out some of her screaming.

I wish I had advice for you. All I can do is echo the people saying to look up the PDA profile. It's not as well understood in the US but it's still worth looking up to see if there's anyone in your area who can offer services for PDA autism. There isn't anyone in my area who knows a damn thing about it and we're struggling with trying to figure it out on our own. But at least knowing what it is gives you a starting point., I honestly don’t even think I should respond because i am not educated in psychology especially children psychology enough to tell you what you should or shouldn’t do but from my own experience working with special needs children and also having a severely autistic 5yo son who can be demanding and likes things his way.. I believe the only thing that keeps him from taking things to this extreme is my clear Non tolerance for the shit. Pry me say that I am in no way judging you. Nor am I saying that taking this stance and implementing it is not the absolute hardest thing I’ve ever had to do… but it’s saved my sanity. My household peace. My son. My relationship with my son.. and even the relationship between his father and I. Yes it’s embarrassing.. yes me being the empathetic soul that I am was put in the position of constant stress thinking about our neighbors and what they thought of us as parents or if they thought we were harming our son… then thinking about my son and his feelings and his level of comprehension due to  the fact that he was non verbal.. I constantly thought that it was a chance I was permanently traumatizing him. Looking back that shit was ridiculous. Simply creating boundaries and not allowing a very smart but also very manipulative child control and essentially emotionally abuse you is not traumatizing the child. If anything it’s teaching them a valuable lesson. The first thing I did was completely stop responding to any request (demands) that were asked in a disrespectful way or any way that crossed a boundary of mine (my boundaries were mainly my feelings being hurt and being disrespected, as well as unappreciated) secondly I had a list of boundaries as well as negative behaviors under each behavior I wrote the redirection I’d apply so that I wasn’t just ignoring my child I was teaching him the correct way to requests his wants and express his needs. Thirdly that yelling and screaming shit.. as hard as it is you can not respond to it by showing how upset it makes you, jumping to resolve the issue to quiet him, none of that. Honestly the more you act like it’s not happening and it actually sounds like a sound machine playing relaxing wave tracks the less satisfaction he’ll get. Once he realized his tactics aren’t working and the only way to get what he’s requesting is to do what was taught to him by redirections he will change his behavior. It may take  few days or it could take months but I promise you if his behaviors aren’t producing the results he’s seeking they will stop.


I apologize for the lack of grammar, ton of typos, and pure chaos that is the structure of this comment 😂 I’m trying to cook dinner and tend to my demanding child. Sending ton of love and perseverance. I also have a ton of resources like books, blogs, community services l, federal services etc so just lmk what you need!, That isn’t autistic behavior. That is just being spoiled, Of course they can have the awareness. It’s a very broad spectrum. My son told his therapist I punch and abuse him and then later said it was just to see my reaction. I don’t lay a finger on him and he’s very much autistic. Autistic children can still push boundaries or do things to try to gain control and create reactions that they want. He’s learned his screaming gets him what he wants so he’s going to continue doing it. 

It’s like Pavlov’s bell, They can, autism is a huge spectrum. Lack of social awareness can show as inappropriate behavior/lack of embarassment as well, like defacating on the floor which would be embarassing to most 6 year olds. ""If I scream, I get what I want"" isn't that difficult to connect either, plenty of my non-verbal autistic students understand that to some degree. 

Pathological demand avoidance often has a different presentation from other autism spectrum disorders - usually more manipulative behavior to get out of demands - so that's something I'd consider. Additional disorders like anxiety disorders and adhd can clash with autism symptoms and make them much harder to handle for children. 

If OP hasn't yet, they should definitely take their son to a psychiatrist. I don't know if you've ever tried screaming for several hours, but it's exhausting. Typically developing children, even if they really want something, rarely make it past an hour - after that, it can cross the line into self-harming behavior. Medication, at least temporarily, can help address his anxiety and get him calm enough for behavioral interventions to work. Otherwise, stand your ground on the specific issue and offer whatever comfort or calming strategies you have available. Weighed blankets or vests often help, lava lamps or similar visuals, it really depends on the child and an occupational therapist can help you make a sensory profile. It's also important to rule out abuse or high stress situations in other parts of his life - of he doesn't act like this when he's out of school, doesn't have a specific therapy or doesn't see a specific person, that would point towards that being the issue., Yep - he doesn't lack interoception which is a core autism trait.

This is above reddit's paygrade. PDA can also coocur with adhd, and adhd and autism can overlap with some symptoms, so arm chair diagnosing isn't the way to go here at all. The kid needs a professional diagnosis and treatment plan., Ignoring demands, putting kids in time outs- basically all traditional forms of discipline will completely backfire with a PDA kid and make it 100 times worse. The more you try to make a child comply the more they ""act out"". It's an endless cycle. Instead, if it is PDA, you have to remove all demands completely., Pathological Demand Avoidance, I’ve been monitoring this thread and it’s getting out of control with the parent shaming, medical advice, suggesting that a child is a sociopath, and suggestions of abuse. 

OP I hope you got some helpful answers here., Mental health crisis team. Idk where you are but hopefully your county has one. Then a therapist that has training in special needs and play therapy, ABA therapy (look for one that allows to you observe some sessions), and a special needs parents support group., I'm going to go against the other comments and suggest that this is extreme PDA Autism. It sounds like he is extremely anxious and trying to control his environment to handle his anxiety., Yowsers this sounds so tough. Honestly having never been in this position you are free to take this advice with a grain of salt but it sounds like he is ruling the house and his screaming, yelling etc is getting him the desired results. Get some noise cancelling headphones and don't give in! At the first teeny tiny opportunity that he is displaying the behaviour you want him to be (waiting patiently, quietly, not screaming! Etc) give him what he desires straight away and keep at it. Do not give him anything when he is screaming at you like this. If it goes on for hours it goes on for hours it's going to be tough yes but it's never going to get easier by giving in to this behaviour. If he is a smart cookie he will figure this all out pretty quick., Agree with those suggesting PDA or ODD. Therapy alone will not make this better. A psychiatrist should be involved in your care., Whoa. 

So what I’m seeing here is a kid that has learned that you guys will jump when he says jump and if you don’t, he will do what he has to to make sure you do indeed jump.. rinse and repeat. The other part is anxiety..

My oldest was a level of this from about 3-9. It was intense and I’m grateful we didn’t live in an apartment with the level of wall banging, screaming for hours, (sometimes both of us) and the door slamming he was jknown for we ended up taking doors off hinges.. multiple times. You do what you have to to keep the peace and keep them from spiraling out of control sooooo much that by the time you realize you really fucked up, it’s too late. You’ve enabled the behavior for so long you feel like there’s no way out of not doing that.. because of the living conditions, you feel like he can’t scream for long. He can’t be this upset for long periods of time.. someone will call the police. Someone will call the apartment manager.. 

But he can. And before this is over, he will. 

First and foremost? Evaluation for anxiety if you haven’t done it already. He’s going to need therapy and yes, medication. Don’t be scared to medicate. If you were dealing with this level of anxiety, wouldn’t you meditate yourself? He NEEDS medication. It will be trial and error for a while to find the right stuff. 

 Mine is 19 now. We’ve had several diagnosis follow since the autism diagnosis.. adhd, depression, and now we’re looking at bipolar disorder. Did it get easier? Sure.. but harder in other ways. That need to control every aspect of everyone around them definitely got easier. I couod evenually sleep without the door locked worried about my kid stabbing me in the face with a kitchen knife.. 

But as puberty entered the chat, things got more difficult socially and hormones played a huge factor in several aspects.. 

But the screaming stopped.  

It won’t be fast or easy, but if things don’t get better, I’d be looking into a hold at a psych unit. We didn’t make it there, but literally only because I figured if we did, he would blame me and things would be so much worse when he got out. I kinda forgot they sort meds and stuff while there. 🤷🏻‍♀️ 

I have multiple kids with autism, anxiety, adhd..  but none have ever been like my oldest. He was/is a different beast entirely. It will get better, but you gotta fight for that light at the end of the tunnel. He’s struggling, and trying to regulate himself, but can’t because he literally has no idea what to do that will help. He needs to be taught. Enabling by giving into the behavior (no judgement because I seriously understand exactly why, I’m a huge enabler to this day- I’m just explaining what’s going on) is like a bandaid.. it works for a moment but it just makes it worse the next time because he knows if he can get you guys to do the jump, he’ll also feel better for the moment.. so you guys just keep doing this either way each other until something changes. You gotta make the moves to change the behaviors. It’s a long uphill battle.. 

But it DOES GET BETTER. Keep fighting., I was basically this kid (not quite to this extent) and this is what helped- Vigorous physical activity every day. First of all it really is great for physical regulation and sleep, and secondly it’s a way to connect with my parents, friends etc. As an ADHD/ PDA kid what I really really wanted was connection- and if I couldn’t get it in a positive way I would immediately act out to get it in a negative way. For me being involved in tons of sports, swimming, climbing etc. was a life saver., This sounds like stress behaviour/dysregulation to me. Like my 5.5yo (probably autistic) acts like this when he is hungry, needs to poop, is ill, is stressed out, is tired etc. Escalating it by trying to enforce a boundary or hierarchy will just make it worse in that moment. Trying to engage with what they are saying as though it has any logic does not work in that moment. Think about how wild animals act when they are threatened - if his nervous system has kicked him into fight or flight, then he is indeed running off ""old software"" - a part of our brain that we share with our animal ancestors. He's not in his prefrontal cortex where we process speech, language, logic. His brain is basically telling him his life might be in danger and he needs to fight for his life - that's why his behaviour is so extreme.

**In the moment**:

You need to establish safety. So meet physical needs, however they are expressed (hunger - not candy - thirst, discomfort) and then focus on safety. If he is telling you that he can't be alone, then don't force him to be alone just now. Tag team in and out if you need to because this is draining AF.

Start reducing stimulus in the environment. Turn lights off/down. Remove sources of noise (turn things off/down, including stuff like fans and electrical items which make a whine if you can, offer him headphones, which he might not take.) Consider taking him to a smaller, more enclosed space, if he would find this comforting. If this would scare him more, then don't.

Use your own nervous system to signal safety. Which means - trying as much as you can to remain calm (I know that is really hard - visualising him as a scared wild animal can help here). Move slowly. Crouch to his level. Make your voice soft and slow and low. Don't argue, convince, or admonish. Say soothing/validating things e.g. about his emotions (don't promise him stuff like TV/candy/or try to persuade him to calm himself down.) Make your breathing very deep, slow, and obvious, but don't ask him to breathe. If you like, you can narrate what you're doing ""I'm taking deep, slow breaths to keep myself calm."" Or you can repeat things like ""You are safe. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. I'm going to stay with you until you feel safe again.""

Oxytocin helps. So human to human contact (again - know your own kid - if he does not want this, then respect that) like a hug, stroke, pat, squeeze.

Deep pressure can help. He might like to be wrapped in a blanket. Movement like rocking can also help - on your lap, or in a swing etc.

Other sensory inputs can help. You might offer him access to things like squeeze toys, chewy toys, a cool pack, a warmed heat pack, visual toys like those sparkle bottles, noisy toys he can press a button to make the same sound over and over again. Some children also like to spin or go upside down (though some will find this makes things worse).

Once he's calm he will probably be exhausted. So keep things calm and low and don't expect too much from him. But he might be more able to talk at this point.

**In general**:

It is probably worth trying to reduce stress/demands in the environment in general. A great resource for this is Stuart Shanker's Self-Reg and I have also heard great things about The Out of Sync Child.

The other one I love is Conscious Discipline by Becky A Bailey. You might also find The Explosive Child helpful. It's likely a good idea to take ideas like time out out of your repertoire entirely. Instead of reacting to behaviour you don't like, look to the root cause of the behaviour.

You should look into the PDA profile of autism., Long post...but I have been through this. 

I do believe ABA will be able to help you.  I know that you know that your child should not be running the show and it absolutely does sound like that is what is happening. Autism or not, children need boundaries to fulfill their need to feel safe in their environments. I know it sounds crazy, but when young children push a boundary they are testing their caregivers to see if they are in control. The funny thing about tantrums is that we actually teach our kids to have them, inadvertently. I am not talking about meltdowns, which are different. All kids will tantrum, and if we give in, they know to just keep screaming because they will break you. If you have tried to outlast the tantrum but gave up after 10 minutes...your child will understand that if they just keep acting outrageous for at least 10 minutes and you will absolutely give in. This is not the power you want to give to a little kid. 

Having said that I also had a little tyrant running my house years ago. My firstborn. I had no idea what I was doing and had never experienced healthy discipline before (I got beat...I was NOT about to do that to my kids) so I didn't understand what a boundary was let alone how to set one. I absolutely did not understand that my failed attempts to outlast her would only LENGTHEN the hellish screaming. My neighbors DID call the cops a few time (they were very kind and understanding). What helped me was getting a job as a paraprofessional in an early intervention classroom. The teacher was AMAZING and she taught me so much about behavior and discipline and I had real time practice with my students in the classroom. It totally transformed my parenting completely. Then our district had us all trained in ABA and that was just the icing on the cake. 

All this to say that you absolutely can turn this around. You just need some support from professionals who specialize in behavior modification. Also....warn your neighbors! Tell them if they are worried they can come over and make sure things are ok. That is what I wound up doing., I would involve a psychiatrist immediately and demand a medication. This isn’t a typical presentation of autism, something else is going on that is beyond therapies. I’m sorry., Stop being push overs. 

I’m probably going to be down voted to heck for this, but it’s true. Look yourself in the mirror and you will concur. If your child is as smart/cunning as you say he is (and I believe you do. YOU know your child best) he will pick up on the sudden dichotomy shift when you stand up for yourselves., Could a temporary stay at the pediatric ward of a psych hospital help break the cycle, properly diagnose him, and give them a chance to test out and dial in some heavy duty medication? This is beyond what most parents are equipped to handle. I'm not sure what your insurance is like and if that would be covered. I recommend getting videos of the most offensive behavior so when you speak to a psychiatrist they know you're not exaggerating.

Maybe the facility could get a behavioral system that finally works (akin to counting to three with consistent rewards/consquences and things along those lines) and then you maintain it consistently once he returns home? Basically, something that would stop the pattern and then do everything in your power not to give in when he returns home. Heck, I might even move apartments while he's gone if i thought it would reduce the chance of him from spontaneously reverting to his old ways (triggered by environment). Then tell him, ""sorry, this is the new house with the new rules"" and stick to whatever the new rules are (the shorter and simpler the better, of course).  I'm sure folks here would say that changing homes would make him anxious or something, but I am of the mindset that shitting on the floor is cause for drastic measures.

If not residential treatment now,  maybe he could start at a special ed school soon if you have access to one?  You do NOT want to be dealing with this level of intensity as he gets stronger in the teen years. :(  I commend you for taking it seriously now.

Do you have access to respite care for you, your wife, and your toddler? And I'm sorry to mention it, but this sounds like it has to be affecting your 3 year old significantly. The last thing you want is the younger one starting to copy all of these behaviors.

My apologies if the above suggestion sound harsh, but like you, in the 80's my dad would have just gagged us with a handkerchief everytime we screamed or maybe dumped a cold bucket of water on us, neurotypical or not. I mean, aside from (or maybe in addition to?) the beatings...it sounds like you know what I mean.  He called that sort of thing ""an attention getter"" or a ""memory aid""....as in, I bet you'll remember not to do that next time. It's a different day and age so medication and behavioral modification (with the help of professionals) are more appropriate, far less abusive tools.

Honestly, I don't know how you've made it this long without help., I'd look into wraparound services in your area. He's 6, so that's school age. Does he act like this at school??, My first thought was that it could be ODD, which tends to occur with autism. Whatever it is, you guys definitely need a professional to step in., That boy needs boundaries. 

Being autistic doesn't mean you're allowed to bully your family. 

You should not blame yourself, that just makes you feel guilty and you'll give in to his demands. 

You tried your best and your methods aren't working so well, so it's time to change tactics and set boundaries. 

He's clever. It won't take him too long to realise that his strategy isn't working anymore. 

He'll learn to use more appropriate strategies to let you guys know his needs and wishes. 

You just won't be able to do that all by yourself, you need professional help. 

Best of luck and please never feel guilty. It's not your fault and you are doing your best., This may be totally off base, but sometimes kids will act out with the people they feel safest with or trust the most when something else in their life is very wrong. A medical issue, a major change that feels out of control, high stress or overwhelming demands at school/ therapy, or mistreatment/abuse/bullying from a peer or other adult in their life. Those types of issues can be hard to articulate even for people with great language skills, and can cause big feelings that are confusing and hard to process. There might be nothing, but it can't hurt to take stock and rule things out.

This all sounds incredibly difficult and overwhelming.  I'm sorry your family is going through this., I'm sorry you're having such a challenging time. I'm replying to say thank you for sharing your experience and I'm finding the responses to your post helpful too (especially for PDA). My daughter (7) has many overlapping behaviours, including the severe need to control and separation anxiety. Screaming continuously until we go to her, even to the point of vomiting. She's trashed the house and yard countless times.
We've worked closely with an occupational therapist to help manage her sensory overwhelm; had her tonsils and adenoids removed to improve her sleep; moved schools to one where they take neurodivergent wellbeing seriously; we even use regular worming treatments (seems to improve her anger, so she must suffer a lot and not be able to verbalise); and as parents we've had to dig deep to learn how to calm down so she can coregulate without us using words.
I hope you have some breakthroughs and keep reaching out for support., Another vote for PDA here. And it’s exhausting. You have to completely relearn a new way of talking to individuals with PDA, low demand parenting (which is extremely hard if you have more than one child and they aren’t neurodivergent) is the way to go to avoid meltdowns. But it’s hard. You’re not alone., You’ll find so many similar experiences - and worse - in the PDA groups. One other thought - especially if you notice any link to being sick and behavior getting worse - or taking anti-biotics and behavior getting better - is to look at autoimmune encephalitis/PANS/PANDAS. Basically psychiatric symptoms caused by infections/immune system reactions, often chronic. This is definitely another rabbit hole to go down. Classic case is sudden onset, but there can be more chronic presentations too. Kid might still be PDA, and you need a low demand approach, but you have underlying, treatable medical issues exacerbating., Sounds like his behavior is so reinforced that he knows you don't stand a chance. There's no way for you guys to make any progress since you're in an apartment and the screaming will mostly likely get you kicked out. I'm sorry. I have some suggestions but not sure if you've already tried them., [removed], It doesn't seem like these behavior issues are autism related.  These just sound like behavior issues even a non-autistic kid would demonstrate. In fact, it feels more non-autistic. My son has these episodes where he really misbehaves and in those moments I treat him like a normal child without any special privileges. I treat him like my daughter who does not have autism. And by that I mean that I give him time out, stop listening to him and paying attention and don't pamper him. 

It's worked for us so far., My child had similar behaviors it’s very difficult to deal with.  Adding medication along with everything else we were doing (therapy, fidgets, weighted blanket,etc) finally made a difference.  Before it could go on for hours and she would hurt herself and my wife, now the meltdowns will maybe last 10-15 minutes and not be half as intense., I recommend checking out the strategies from Dr Casey Ehrlich, she describes scenarios like this a lot, and her very informative instagram page is: atpeaceparents, PDA, Does he have outside services such as ABA? If not it sounds like it may be needed. Are these new behaviors or has this developed over time? I would definitely suggest outside help and like others have mentioned ignoring negative cries for attention. No matter how embarrassing it may be. I don’t know how close your neighbors are but really if your child is autistic and yelling for attention I wouldn’t care or worry who hears as long as he is safe and his needs are met, let him yell. Hard as that may be. He will tire himself out and eventually realize he is not getting what he wants by exhibiting said behaviors. You said he is 6, I would assume he is in school? Does he display these behaviors in school? Does he have an IEP? If so to either of these questions I would see how the school handles these outbursts and ask for any recommendations? I definitely would not give attention to any negative behaviors, which might be hard to relearn if in the past he is used to instant gratification from throwing tantrums, it will take time to unlearn these behaviors. Reinforcing your role as the parent when he is exhibiting bad behaviors as in, I know you are thirsty or hungry, but we do not get what we want by screaming, when you calm down I will help you with whatever you may need. Ignoring other behaviors you mentioned, it may seem hard and he may throw a tantrum and scream. Let him. When you give in to those behaviors he knows he can continue to do so and get attention. It may be a hard cycle to break, but since he is verbal and able to communicate his needs it seems reasonable to assume he will understand if you tell him what will not be tolerated. If he won’t sit in time out I would tell him this is not acceptable, we can help you when you calm down. Making him sit down next to you on the couch perhaps, maybe putting a program on tv he likes, reading a book with him he likes, etc and loving on him until he relaxes enough to listen or gets his tantrum out his system in a safe space next to you may work better than just a time out chair by himself. Let him yell or cry it out. Comfort him while he is upset but absolutely do not give in to demands while he is in that space. I feel for you, it may be hard but it can get better! It may take some time to unlearn the behaviors but you have to stick to your guns and not let your 6 yr old run your household., My son is autistic and non-verbal and he is a habitual line stepper with everyone he tries. If he gets even on second of seeing someone will give into him he doesn’t leave it alone. We have to be very strict with certain things to keep it from escalating. I also recommend ABA before you medicate. ABA is super easy in the beginning because they want to get a good relationship with him so that he is happy when they come, but it will slowly turn to work for him. I would definitely try that., It’s concerning how it sounds like he’s trying to control everything around him 24/7, you both included.

There seems to be an element of manipulation to the screaming like you’re hurting him anytime he’s slightly hungry, &/or he can’t regulate his feelings at all. 

That could be something other than autism, or just normal kid behaviour getting the best of you both because you’re too tired to uphold strict boundaries.

Have there been any big changes at home or in his life? He sounds extremely clingy, maybe he just doesn’t know how to process something or get the support he needs in general? 

I also constantly hear awful things about how terrible kids tv can be for developing brains. It can absolutely cause or exacerbate behavioural problems, & create distance between parent/child if it’s getting in the way of one on one play &/or you’re being punished for not allowing them to watch it whenever it’s off. It is frankly an addiction when kids feel they NEED to watch tv & act out when you don’t give in. 

This is no life for him either, he needs help desperately. This is not something that is going to change over night, & I’m sorry that you’re going through it., I’m going with a different response. Your kid knows he can manipulate you by using these tactics, so I’d reverse roles a bit. If they are fake crying, fake cry back cause his sadness is making you sad. He’s yelling, yell back you can’t get what he wants cause he’s yelling at you. Be ridiculously exaggerated with it, but he doesn’t get what he wants with that behavior happening. Afterward, when he’s calm, talk about how that behavior is not going to get him what he wants, that people would rather avoid him than be helpful. Then show him more constructive ways of getting what he wants., We have a similar issue with our son (5-1/2 now). Ours has been tough since day 1, the nature of the problems evolved and changed, he was so delayed that we ended up being way to permissive because we felt we needed to encourage typical milestones when they seemed in reach. 

We'd get so much impractical advice from parents of typical kids too, it was as exhausting and depressing as the issues themselves.

We did end up having to move because we were in an apartment too and there was no way it would work. He would slam his feet, smash anything he got his hands on, slam his body again the doors/walls... we'd have to hold him at times to stop him from hurting himself. We got complaints from neighbors, some moved on their own, and our landlord couldn't easily demand we move so they just presented a renewal that was so expensive we had no choice but to go. We are fortunate I make enough that we were able to buy a single family.

That said, yours sounds similar to ours and I'd describe it as ""spoiled"" -- that's not a dig on you, you sound engaged, but beaten down, and you're dealing with a kid who is not typical -- 

My feeling from observing our kid vs others is that just like some fruit and bread ""spoils"" easily so do some kids, especially the ones like ours. They are just wired to recognize how to manipulate and use it for their own gain.

Our son learned similar things to yours -- fake crying while looking right at us, shouting for help, acting disrespectfully to us while asking for things or while we are helping. He's compliant for others outside the home, but alone with us it can be a nightmare.

The fake crying and hysterics -- we sit in the room with him and we do nothing else (no phone, no reading) and just wait it out... we don't raise our voice, we say ""when you're done acting like a baby, and are ready to act like a little boy again, we can do something else"". Since he wants to direct it at us it means we can move him where we want by moving ourselves there without saying anything (he'll follow us), we never demand he go somewhere because it empowers him to say no and resist, so instead we just move there and his desire to direct his feelings at us compels him to follow.

The shouting for help -- We've explained to ours what will happen if he keeps shouting for help, eventually the police *will* come, and they may take him away for a while to figure out why he yelled for help. He will probably have to stay somewhere else for a few days without us. He did it a few more times and we'd say ""We've told you what happens if you keep going, but you aren't stopping, so if they come take you there isn't anything we can do, *it's your choice*."" Then we treat similarly to the fake crying where we wait it out.

Disrespectfulness -- he'll ask for help, sometimes he'll make a mess in the process out of frustration, we'll say OK we're here to help you but we need clean this up first, he'll say no, or say ""but you made me wait to so long so it's your fault"", we stop and he needs to help clean and he needs to ask respectfully before we continue. Again, passively stopping the activity until he corrects.

Anger at not getting what he wants -- TV, games, things that aren't good for him (food or activities)... we just don't let him. Yes, it wrecks our lives to some degree, it triggers the behaviors above, but having seen the alternative it's still better.

Overall the goal is to help him recognize his situation will be worse while the bad behavior continues. We stop when he acts bad. We've also stopped rewarding good behavior, because he's learned (like your kid) that doing the thing we ask was getting a reward and it was too confusing to him to recognize the difference between doing the right thing following an hour of hysterics vs doing the right thing when asked.

From the outside we are now told we're too harsh--including by both our parents who have seen but never really lived the bad behavior-- but these people don't understand, they never have had to deal with it (and we still get it, just to a much lesser degree... we get maybe an half hour of hysterics per day vs multiple times per day before), so to the critics I say I don't care. Our son is loving and we're helping him recognize that the world will not cater to him and his parents won't either.

In another era our son would likely get spanked, slapped, locked in a room, etc... he'd probably learn from that negative reinforcement to avoid behaviors, but it would also become a technique he'd use on others. Now at least all he's learning from us is that when his normalcy stops our normalcy stops. If he wants it back, he needs to give it too. We do remind him, and we do ""olive branch"" by offering a next activity when he seems like he's stuck in a ""loop"" and can't break himself out, but it requires he act quiet/respectful before we start.

**tldr: passive resistance to the bad behaviors (do not introduce new demands), and removing ""rewards"" for good behavior, has worked for us. You act normal and you get normal, you act poorly and you get a shutdown..**, Does he go to school? What kinds of therapy he receives? This is not a typical 6 y old with or without autism. You need to find professionals for help. I don’t believe ABA will work especially with those inexperienced behavioral technicians., I am so sorry :(

It has to be so very hard.

What kind of therapies and services is he signed up for?, How do you discipline him? I would say you need help, is he getting services? Taking any meds?, I would go to the tacanow.org website. Read about it And get him assessed for gut issues. Similar thing happened to my kid. He had parasites. Got rid of a lot of issues, First of all, I know it's hard. We have been through everything you wrote down. It's worse when you're living in an apartment complex... I was scared at times that someone would call the police. 

Our kiddos are very bright. They know what to do to get what they want and what makes us react. We have to outsmart them. It's very hard at first but after some times it becomes less and less difficult.

Kids, ND or NT, want attention, good or bad. And they need boundaries that they know will stay whatever happens. They will test it to the max, but when they know the boundary won't move, they eventually stop. 

My daughter is 11 years old now and it's really better. We had to work hard, to have help from social workers and go to therapy (individually and as a family)., Came here to say, I’m so sorry. My daughter is much like this still at the age of 9. The big thing here is he’s not punishing you, he’s trying to communicate the only way he knows how to show you how he’s feeling or what’s going on inside. He’s not punishing you, it’s not fun for him. I’m no world would anyone want to act or behave in such a way that hurts their selves. He’s letting out what’s going on inside. Keep trying you will have breakthroughs even the smallest ones, they add up and you guys will get thru this., Sounds like he’s having alot of anxiety and the acts of service he’s demanding are reassuring and comforting to him and make him feel secure and loved, You already have so much great info with all the advice/comments here. I’m so sorry you’re going through this tough stage, it sounds exhausting and terrible for your family… 

Have you tried connecting with him? Like fully connecting, where you’re having one on one fun with him and are in a flow state. Even starting small like sitting next to him while he’s playing on his tablet, and just existing parallel to him. Letting him know you want to be in his world.

Kids are so smart and intuitive, they are tuned into our feelings about them. From your post you sound disappointed, overwhelmed, exhausted, discouraged (all valid, because what you’re describing is so intense and shitty (no pun intended)), but he can feel all those negative feelings, and it’s creating a snowball of him continuing to fulfill the way you’re feeling about his behaviors and both your negative feelings and his negative behaviors increasing.

I’m not an educated expert; like others have said, do get the experts involved. But in the meantime (I know appointments and waitlists take time) try to simply connect with him, in a meaningful way.

Edited to add: I am saying this respectfully to you: I think you’re expecting too much from a 6 year old with autism. In your post you said you refused to walk with him 10ft down the hall to chaperone him to the bathroom. He was communicating a need to you, probably anxiety driven (he didn’t want to be alone), maybe he didn’t like the way his internal cues were feeling in his body (Google: interoception autism), and instead of being supportive you’re trying to prove to him that he’s a big boy and can pee alone. Yes, he’s physically capable of peeing alone, but in that moment if he’s wanting you to go with him, you should acquiesce to things like that. Pick your battles. If he’s demanding drinks from you (like your post states), respond with something humorous “welcome to the polite Diner, I’m your server, and I’ll get your drink order when I hear a thank you! Okay, that’ll be $35 for a drink.” Something silly like that.., Please don't listen to the people saying that this is sociopathic or that he is doing something wrong.  Our son is 6 and he struggled with some of what you describe.  We also live with neighbors and I'm grateful that none are below us.  Our son had been self harming for a while and he was nonverbal so we felt hopeless and there are still days where we feel overwhelmed like you.  He's a gestalt learner and his language acquisition helped tremendously but the biggest thing was giving him a safe space to act out, toy dump, throw items, etc. without us reacting.  We then would check in when he calmed...like a bell curve you don't provide anything when they are at the height but then when they settle you swoop in and give cuddles (if they like it). Also the physical exercise aspect.  We bought an indoor gym on Brain Rich Kids website (it was an investment at about $500.00 but it was worth it for both kids) When we stopped giving in to his behaviors while he was heightened it changed the dynamic slowly over time.  He still gets away with more than a typical kiddo but he is showing more flexibility with each day that passes.

I know no two kids with ASD are alike(we have two with very different needs!) but in ABA (which we stopped last year when he was 5) we learned about extinction bursts.  The more you allow it to continue the longer it takes to get rid of.  Give him a safe place to act out his behaviors and talk to your neighbors so they are aware...My husband and I have had that same fear that people will think we are abusing our son and that made it harder to stay calm in the moments and encouraged us to give in.

If you have tried this and it's not working then seeking resources is the next step.  Our son isn't medicated.

TLDR:

1. Provide safe space for calming and call it a ""break"".  Any escalation redirect him to take a break and then come in when he's calm. 
2. Let the neighbors know your challenges so they can be mindful and you can eliminate that fear for you.
3. exercise (swim, you tube videos instructing with fun images, parks)

I hope you find this helpful and you're not alone!, Are there any medications a psychiatrist can recommend here? Is there a special education person you can hire that can maybe instill a little
fear and discipline? Sorry just thinking out loud., Well. As a rule goes dont raise a child you hate. Especially scince 


A if you hate your child you are potentially dooming them. Because if you receed your affection at the smallest point youll neglect them possible life saving help.



B if you dont stop these behaviors now they will only manifest into worse behaviors later



On this note this is why you need to spank your child. To save them from themselves. That way they are not forced to suffer abandonment from every possible person scince they havent had these things instilled in them. Them shitting the carpet to prove a point is just playing with social fire.what about when there older and they try something similar to some one not you Who doesnt care. Like im being agressive here but those spankings are there to save your childs life. And for future refrence your gonna jack your kid up regardless its gonna happen some how. Better it be while trying to save there life. Or in accidental minor things, The thing is, when his therapist makes recommendations for anxiety relief, such as comfort items or like an inflatable canoe to lay in. He doesn't care about those things. He doesn't give them the time of day. Or he tries them once and it like eh I don't like it., I was going to say the same. I suspect my daughter is PDA (no one in our area can confirm that but it fits the bill). She's not quite as extreme as OP's child but probably 70% of the intensity OP described. Problematically, we live in an area short on resources in general, let alone anyone who can give us expert advice on PDA autism. And we are similarly failing on our own., Oh my gosh have we tried.
But then he learns SO fast how to cheat the system and rewards himself.
He bites his tongue figuratively to not have an outburst, and then says ""I didn't scream so I want my tablet"".
Obviously we aren't just rewarding every second he doesn't scream at us, so we will tell him something like he's had enough time with the tablet again and we are back to square one., Question for you: how did your parents get you to do the activities that ultimately helped you? If you remember or have tips I would be so grateful., The fact is he is manipulating you.  No 6 year old normal child is this demanding, and you gotta show him who’s boss before this shit blows up in your face., Whoa.
This is a really major thing to bring up regarding a 6 year old. 
He doesn't hurt anybody, he's not a sociopath.
He is just exhibiting negative behaviors.
It's not as if he's plotting our death. He's generally a very excitable happy child, but he is bossy and himself doesn't understand his motives and behaviors 

That movie/book is about a sociopathic child who grows up with 0 understanding or regard for how he affects others around him and does very dark things to his pet and sibling, and manipulates the father into believing its not happening, before he murders a bunch of people.

Really, this seems like a VERY outrageous thing to say. He's nothing like kevin, Sorry, I disagree. Typical six year olds do not defecate on the living room floor as a power move. There is something else going on here, perhaps attributable to autism, perhaps something else, but if I were OP I’d be looking for as much help as I could get. I didn’t see OP mention their support system. Speech therapist to communicate needs in more acceptable ways. Psychologist or parent-child interaction therapy (PCIT). School. ABA. Developmental pediatrician/psychologist to check for comorbidities—ADHD, OCD, intellectual disability, etc. This kid definitely needs a village., I’m not sure about that . I have the feeling if my son was verbal he would be vocalizing the things OP’s child say, because many behaviors are identical, Fear is the OPPOSITE of what is needed here. This child is terrified., If he is PDA and so disregulated that he isnt using the bathroom, laying in an inflatable canoe isn't going to do anything. Maybe check out the PDA subreddit and see if it clicks. Unfortunately if it is PDA, what you have been doing is the exact opposite of how you are supposed to manage it., Maybe these particular items don’t suit his personal needs? 

My daughter loves beanbags but hates the peapod that she had at school. She loves hammocks, but not swings. She prefers weight over being tucked in. She hates clothing when some kids thrive on being clothed. 

Your son’s preferences are probably unique and may take a few different tools to try and find the correct item that suits. Either way, I’d definitely try to set something up for him so that he can have a dedicated quiet space that is safe for him to be placed in when he is feeling like this. He can burn himself out and settle or nap and be safe in a quiet space (my daughter chose a tent this year, and she has it packed full of her favourite blankets and bunnies and books, and one particular light she enjoys). If she’s in a poor mood - or even screaming down the house - she is settled into her quiet space and is allowed to come out when she feels calm. We don’t keep her in there, but the rule is that she has to be calm. Otherwise, we know in our home, that she’ll wind up back in her quiet space very quickly. There are days where she even wants one of us to stay with her, just outside the tent. 

It’s just an idea, but it could be worth exploring., Individuals with PDA can become severely dehydrated and malnourished by being able to meet their own physical needs due to a perceived demand OR power imblance. I’m not sure but this behaviour is driven by something that should be assessed by the crisis team to rule out other options and link you with appropriate support. You cannot live like this and it’s ok to call someone and say you can’t keep going and you are in crisis. This is not a situation I would allow to keep playing out. Make a call today!, I recommend what others have said: mental health crisis team, asap. 

If you could, I’d attempt to flat out ignore the screaming (as long as he’s not injured or in need of urgent care - like changing his pants and so forth). It’s definitely a power play, and he can’t scream forever. If you teach him you’ll respond every time to his screams and tantrums (and if that’s all they are - you’ll have to check and keep an eye on him) then he’ll learn fairly quickly not to do it any more. My daughter tried to pull much of the same behaviour awhile back, and I recognised it from when *I* used to do the same as a child (of course, I grew up in a household where my ASD wasn’t recognised - so I just got thrown into my room, spanked, and basically threatened with everything that the old school parenting style had back in the 80s - and I don’t recommend any of that). For my daughter, however, it was a short-lived stint (about two weeks) before she realised that her tantrums and bossiness and demanding screams over cookies or sweets were getting ignored. And this was after several hundred attempts to explain and be calm with her over this. We still get the occasional screaming fit - but they are usually now from a place of anger and wanting to control the outcome. She eventually gives up when she realises we will carry on because her screaming like a banshee  for a lollipop is exhausting work when no one will cave. If the noise is too much: ear plugs and sit in the room to monitor his behaviours until he screams himself out. Redirect when able. Underline NO as a word that is final, and be a team - nobody slips. Instill penalties if you must: if you can’t use your inside voice then I will have to take all of the cookies away for an entire week.  Or: I know you’re angry, but I need you to stop screaming by the time I count to five. If you don’t stop screaming by the count of five, then I will have to take away your tablet for the rest of the day. Or: I know you’re angry and frustrated, but you I can’t understand you when you scream like that. If you’re looking for a snack, I can make us some popcorn. Would you like to help? Or: hey dude, would you like to come outside and take a walk with me? I was thinking of heading to the park. (You’ll want to gauge what level of redirection or correction you will need to take). It can take anywhere from 4-6 weeks to correct a behaviour, too, so don’t expect it to stop immediately or after a few days. 

Of course, I wouldn’t attempt **any of this** so without a consult first. I’m sorry you’re going through this, OP. If you’re able, maybe you can redirect his temper with some quiet time or a bath, something else that can occupy him and then, when he is calm, you can then remind him that he’s still the child and needs to try his best to follow the rules., Also wondering this. Sometimes they insist they are too tired to exercise with me, or too tired to play a game or their legs hurt and they don’t want to stand up. However if something doesn’t go their way they have sooo much energy to run laps around me, kick me/objects, flip tables 😬 suspected PDA over here too, Swimming was the first thing I was really in to. My parents got a membership at a swim place and we would go for hours at a time on the weekends. Or we would go to the beach for several hours. When I was six I got in to soccer and my parents signed me up on a rec. team with my bff (this was key). Definitely nothing forced or chore-like., How is that outrageous? The child is defecating on the floor as a power move!!!! Wtf!, I don't think he's anything like Kevin. Now my take on this is not the same situation but similar enough to try to give a tiny bit of advice based on my kids' experiences. My youngest is autistic but he's a happy kid all the time, like literally all the time, but his older brother a few years back got diagnosed with ODD (oppositional defiance disorder) and used to do a lot of the things you are describing to get his way (screaming for long times, following you etc). He'd also lash out and try to hit or scratch you if it was a really bad day. It was a brutal 3 year period for us. We got him into the therapy and frankly took the meltdowns for the next few weeks until he (slower than we would have liked lol) realized that we just weren't going to give into him. If he tried to hit me I'd walk away and keep walking away. Neighbors came over because of the screaming and stuff but I had gotten his doctor to write that we were doing therapy and not actually hurting him. It was alot for a couple of weeks and still had the occasional blow up for the next few months but now 3 years later, he's a brand new kid. Doing great in school life and home life. I know the autism your son has makes his situation a little different but maybe try looking into therapy that they offer for kids with ODD. Hope things get better soon for all of you!

Edit: spelling, phrasing, It sounds like your child doesn’t care if your basic needs for sleeping and using the toilet are met or not…, We he doesn't struggle to communicate his needs. He knows very clearly what he wants and he says it. It's his delivery.
I don't know how or when he picked up this habit of barking orders at us without even looking up from his tablet.
If we don't comply he stops his game or whatever he's doing and looks at us in disbelief that we aren't dropping everything we are doing to appease him. He's appalled that we aren't anticipating his thoughts for a pb&j and already have a fresh one ready.

And he's so rude to everyone.
He interrupts everyone who's talking to us and talks to us louder than they are to dominate the conversation and if we dismiss him, he will say in front of everyone that we aren't acting like ourselves and he doesn't like it and that it's time to go.
And I know what he's doing. He's trying to get us to retreat to a place where he knows nobody can get in his way., I am not an expert but from everything I've read so far, an autistic kid does not have the kind of awareness this kid is demonstrating. Maybe one of the experts here can comment., Seconding PDA. Check out: PDA society UK and US, Declarative language handbook, the family experience of PDA, etc. The key is shifting your impression and approach and you will see changes! A key aspect of PDA is the ability to use social strategies and manipulation to avoid demands. Remember despite the challenges of the behaviors, anxiety is at the root of it. He is not choosing this behavior, he’s likely in a fight or flight response., Not OP, but can you expand on “what you have been doing is the exact opposite of how you are supposed to manage it”?, What is PDA?, Swimming is a good idea. The only activity my son actually likes. He’s 5 tho so more will be revealed. Thanks, Speech therapist helps with delivery—that is communication too, it’s called pragmatics. He sounds insufferable and for your family’s sake you need professional intervention., My daughter sounds a lot like your son. She's about to turn 5. She also scream-talks over everyone and will get violent if her demands aren't met immediately. I am constantly covered in bruises. Everyone in the house, including our 3 year old (god I feel awful for him for this), wears headphones in order to drown out some of her screaming.

I wish I had advice for you. All I can do is echo the people saying to look up the PDA profile. It's not as well understood in the US but it's still worth looking up to see if there's anyone in your area who can offer services for PDA autism. There isn't anyone in my area who knows a damn thing about it and we're struggling with trying to figure it out on our own. But at least knowing what it is gives you a starting point., I honestly don’t even think I should respond because i am not educated in psychology especially children psychology enough to tell you what you should or shouldn’t do but from my own experience working with special needs children and also having a severely autistic 5yo son who can be demanding and likes things his way.. I believe the only thing that keeps him from taking things to this extreme is my clear Non tolerance for the shit. Pry me say that I am in no way judging you. Nor am I saying that taking this stance and implementing it is not the absolute hardest thing I’ve ever had to do… but it’s saved my sanity. My household peace. My son. My relationship with my son.. and even the relationship between his father and I. Yes it’s embarrassing.. yes me being the empathetic soul that I am was put in the position of constant stress thinking about our neighbors and what they thought of us as parents or if they thought we were harming our son… then thinking about my son and his feelings and his level of comprehension due to  the fact that he was non verbal.. I constantly thought that it was a chance I was permanently traumatizing him. Looking back that shit was ridiculous. Simply creating boundaries and not allowing a very smart but also very manipulative child control and essentially emotionally abuse you is not traumatizing the child. If anything it’s teaching them a valuable lesson. The first thing I did was completely stop responding to any request (demands) that were asked in a disrespectful way or any way that crossed a boundary of mine (my boundaries were mainly my feelings being hurt and being disrespected, as well as unappreciated) secondly I had a list of boundaries as well as negative behaviors under each behavior I wrote the redirection I’d apply so that I wasn’t just ignoring my child I was teaching him the correct way to requests his wants and express his needs. Thirdly that yelling and screaming shit.. as hard as it is you can not respond to it by showing how upset it makes you, jumping to resolve the issue to quiet him, none of that. Honestly the more you act like it’s not happening and it actually sounds like a sound machine playing relaxing wave tracks the less satisfaction he’ll get. Once he realized his tactics aren’t working and the only way to get what he’s requesting is to do what was taught to him by redirections he will change his behavior. It may take  few days or it could take months but I promise you if his behaviors aren’t producing the results he’s seeking they will stop.


I apologize for the lack of grammar, ton of typos, and pure chaos that is the structure of this comment 😂 I’m trying to cook dinner and tend to my demanding child. Sending ton of love and perseverance. I also have a ton of resources like books, blogs, community services l, federal services etc so just lmk what you need!, That isn’t autistic behavior. That is just being spoiled, Of course they can have the awareness. It’s a very broad spectrum. My son told his therapist I punch and abuse him and then later said it was just to see my reaction. I don’t lay a finger on him and he’s very much autistic. Autistic children can still push boundaries or do things to try to gain control and create reactions that they want. He’s learned his screaming gets him what he wants so he’s going to continue doing it. 

It’s like Pavlov’s bell, They can, autism is a huge spectrum. Lack of social awareness can show as inappropriate behavior/lack of embarassment as well, like defacating on the floor which would be embarassing to most 6 year olds. ""If I scream, I get what I want"" isn't that difficult to connect either, plenty of my non-verbal autistic students understand that to some degree. 

Pathological demand avoidance often has a different presentation from other autism spectrum disorders - usually more manipulative behavior to get out of demands - so that's something I'd consider. Additional disorders like anxiety disorders and adhd can clash with autism symptoms and make them much harder to handle for children. 

If OP hasn't yet, they should definitely take their son to a psychiatrist. I don't know if you've ever tried screaming for several hours, but it's exhausting. Typically developing children, even if they really want something, rarely make it past an hour - after that, it can cross the line into self-harming behavior. Medication, at least temporarily, can help address his anxiety and get him calm enough for behavioral interventions to work. Otherwise, stand your ground on the specific issue and offer whatever comfort or calming strategies you have available. Weighed blankets or vests often help, lava lamps or similar visuals, it really depends on the child and an occupational therapist can help you make a sensory profile. It's also important to rule out abuse or high stress situations in other parts of his life - of he doesn't act like this when he's out of school, doesn't have a specific therapy or doesn't see a specific person, that would point towards that being the issue., Yep - he doesn't lack interoception which is a core autism trait.

This is above reddit's paygrade. PDA can also coocur with adhd, and adhd and autism can overlap with some symptoms, so arm chair diagnosing isn't the way to go here at all. The kid needs a professional diagnosis and treatment plan., Ignoring demands, putting kids in time outs- basically all traditional forms of discipline will completely backfire with a PDA kid and make it 100 times worse. The more you try to make a child comply the more they ""act out"". It's an endless cycle. Instead, if it is PDA, you have to remove all demands completely., Pathological Demand Avoidance",Support,Challenging Behavior
"My 6 year old son has been diagnosed with being in the spectrum (high functioning).   
When we did the evaluation the doctor mentioned Aspergers although it is not stated in the official assessment.

He does really well at school. He is smart for his age and has hit educational milestones much earlier than his peers - for example he started reading comfortably since 4.5. He has a wide vocabulary and he is always fascinated by learning new things and exploring new topics. He doesn't seem to struggle when his routine breaks (at least not visibly). He doesn't get major meltdowns on the daily. He is extremely sociable and is never timid to make new friends (even though he can be pushy and talk too much about his own interests without really a lot of concern for others). 

There are a few things that start to concern me and I would love to hear advice or tips for how to handle them. 

The first and most concerning one is that he occasionally melts down when things don't go his way. This doesn't happen all the time and never at home because we've been trained (through experience) on how to handle his emotions and I guess he knows we're coming from a place of love(?). But it does happen sometimes with his friends or other kids, especially in parties/playgrounds, generally in places that are crowded and there is hyperactivity involved. The meltdown involves crying and some yelling. It's generally controllable and he is able to get out of it quite fast (this has improved greatly) but he needs a timeout from the triggering situation. To me it feels like he is struggling to regulate his emotions in these environments. It's much better (almost non-existent) on a 1:1 playdate or a familiar environment (e.g our neighbourhood playground with kids he has been playing since he was 2). 

He has just entered 1st grade and we are now starting to get to know people from the new school and he is forming friendships e.t.c but I'm concerned that these behaviours -if they keep on happening- will impact his ability to maintain friends. Every time we're invited to a birthday party or a new playground, I am happy for him but also terrified that something like this will happen. 

Another concern is -as I mentioned above- his pushiness in social interactions. When he likes spending time with a certain kid he tends to be pushy and doesn't seem to grasp the notion of giving people space. Sometimes I notice kids being captivated by him and want to play with him and allow him to be the ""captain"" -which he enjoys a great deal :P- but other times I can see that they might get annoyed or tired of his huge energy. He is such a sweet, polite kid in general and I feel sorry for him because he does have the best intentions and wants to be liked by others but it feels like he is struggling with social cues and empathising with people. 

As per doctor's instructions, we have started speech and occupational therapy 6 months ago and it helps in certain areas. We are going to get a re-evaluation in two months to see where we are and how he has progressed. 

My question is: Does this sound familiar?  How much can be attributed to his condition and how much is it just spoiled-only-kid behaviour? Is there anything I can do to help mitigate those meltdowns? I have read the problem solving approach but I don't find that it's particularly efficient in our case. Or maybe I'm doing it wrong? Any ideas for a struggling parent? :)","Your kid sounds a lot like mine 20 years ago. The OT should be able to help pinpoint sensory triggers and regulations strategies with the meltdowns. I'd also look at ADHD. Mine is AuDHD and finds that the ADHD component has made their energy ""big"" in the way you've described and also finds that the novelty seeking softens some of the need for sameness.",Support,Parenting Advice
" So my daughter 6 yrs old escaped tonight through my window. Me and my husband were in the kitchen on our laptops. Mind you our front and back door are locked with chain links and barnyard door latches with locks that require keys. All my windows have ac units in them and also have locks to keep the windows from being able to be opened. My sons and daughters windows are up higher. My daughter has escaped twice prior to this maybe 2 weeks ago? Well this time she moved the plexiglass that was beside my ac unit and crawled out of my window. Someone found her and called the police. Curious if any parents had to deal with CPS after this. The officer said CPS would get involved which is fine because we have a clean home and everything. I also since now moved my dresser against the window area as much as I can without blocking the ac unit itself. I also have a ring to let me know as soon as she moves in her room, AND I have a motion sensor alarm coming in tomorrow that I plan to put right outside her bedroom door. The first time she ever eloped was out of school this yr and I took her out the school just for this to start happening at home. ","Following. I wonder if this is an autism thing my son has done it twice and both times the police were called, Have you looked into AngelSense?, Cps didn’t show up either time though., Did CPS ever come visit you? It is part of autism 50% of children who have it tend to be elopers., Following. I wonder if this is an autism thing my son has done it twice and both times the police were called, Have you looked into AngelSense?, Cps didn’t show up either time though., Did CPS ever come visit you? It is part of autism 50% of children who have it tend to be elopers., Following. I wonder if this is an autism thing my son has done it twice and both times the police were called, Have you looked into AngelSense?, Cps didn’t show up either time though., Did CPS ever come visit you? It is part of autism 50% of children who have it tend to be elopers., Following. I wonder if this is an autism thing my son has done it twice and both times the police were called, Have you looked into AngelSense?, Cps didn’t show up either time though., Did CPS ever come visit you? It is part of autism 50% of children who have it tend to be elopers.",Support,Elopement
"My daughter is 6yrs old on the spectrum. She has quite the picky pallet. Literally consists of pizza, nuggets, fries, yogurt, some oven meals like pizza bagels and such. I don’t let my kids snack in between meals but with her I’m struggling to get her to eat meat and I’m worried she’s not gaining enough weight. Has anyone been able to get around this barrier or am I doomed to have a child with a eating disorder 😭","My 4 year old is eating next to nothing these days. I can tell by the way her clothes fit that she’s lost weight. I’ve brought it up to her doctor in the past and they tend to brush it off because she’s not underweight. We are down to whole milk and snacky things like popcorn, chips, pretzels, fruit snacks. Sorry I have no helpful tricks to get them eating :(, We are pretty much in the same boat with my three year old son. I feel like the worst mom just giving him frozen, processed foods but I guess I should just be glad that he eats. I don't have any advice, I try to offer him different things but he always has access to his safe foods. It's really hard., Restrictive diets are extremely common among autistic kids. 

First off, that’s not a bad list. Pizza is calorie dense and has protein and fat. Nuggets *are* meat and have tons of protein. Yogurt has fat and protein. Honestly, I would cry with happiness if my ARFID kiddo ate any of those—there are weeks where he has only eaten Ritz crackers. 

Second, snacks are not bad! It’s normal and appropriate for kids to have 2-3 snacks per day. Children have small stomaches and fast metabolisms. They need to eat more frequently. If you introduce a scheduled morning and afternoon snack, I think you’ll have better luck getting calories in. 

Third, and I can’t say this enough, food is a battle of wills you *cannot win*. Kids need control, and autistic kids more than most. And our kids are 100% willing to starve themselves into a feeding tube. The more you turn things into a fight, the worse it will get. 

It sucks so much!! I know! It’s so hard to watch our kids not get what they need. But force won’t get you there.

There are three main things that help:
- No pressure. Provide food, let them choose what to eat. Even if it’s killing you, plaster a smile on your face and say casually “you don’t have to eat it if you don’t want to.”
- Always provide a safe food at every meal and snacks. Yeah, that is going to mean lots of nuggets. At least they are fast. You serve the safe food alongside other foods.
- Consistent and regular exposure to other foods, in a safe, low-pressure environment. 

I highly recommend the blog/insta Kids Eat in Color and her picky eater guide for more ideas for exposure and food play. 

Finally, I’m an autistic adult and still a selective eater, though I have greatly expanded my palette. What I wish my parents knew when I was a kid is that *I hate this too.* It really sucks for us! It’s not great to know that any time I try a new food, I could unexpectedly hit a slimy chunk of cooked onion and vomit. I loathe all the pressure and stress around food. I wish I could just try things.

Texture and taste sensitivity isn’t willful, or an attempt to torture you. It’s a physiological and psychological reaction we can’t control. With time and exposure it can get better. Mine is better! I don’t throw up because of onions any more! (I do still pick them out of my food.) But having my parents tell me I was being stubborn and dramatic while I sobbed was the worst feeling in the world., Every time my son gets sick, he'll regress back to fruit pouches.  He won't eat anything else except those pouches, cookies, and certain chips. He loves yogurt, but he can't have any right now due to his congestion. 

I worry about his health constantly.  He's 3.5., Not therapy/medical advice, but here are some tips that might help:

\- Take it slow! Introduce new foods gradually and in low-pressure situations, starting with ones that have similar textures or flavors to her favorites. Pizza lovers might be more open to trying an open-faced cheesy quesadilla or a pasta dish with similar toppings -- or start smaller -- if she likes cheese pizza, try cheese pizza + one piece that has veggies on it!

\- Let her help out in the kitchen! Kids are often more willing to try new foods if they've had a hand in making them. Plus, it's a fun bonding activity even if she doesn't want to try it.

\- Make sure you're showing her that trying new foods is a normal and enjoyable part of mealtime.

\- Keep offering a variety of foods, even if she doesn't show interest at first. Sometimes it takes multiple exposures for a child to feel comfortable trying something new.

\- Offer small servings of new foods alongside her favorites. 

\- Praise her efforts, even if she only lets it on her plate, smells it, licks it, or takes a tiny taste. Every step toward expanding her diet is worth celebrating!

\- It can be frustrating at times, but try to stay patient and persistent. With time and encouragement, she'll hopefully become more open to trying new foods.

\- It might be worth reaching out to a speech-language pathologist or occupational therapist who specializes in feeding therapy. They can provide personalized support and guidance tailored to your daughter's needs.

\- Don't beat yourself too much about it! Fed is best. I recommend the instagram @ Kids Eat In Color for more great tips!

Hang in there! :), My daughter refuses to eat meat other than highly processed ham and salami. So I steam and puree ALOT of vegetables into separate batches. This puree goes into almost every meal I make. Its in the pizza sause, pasta sauce, tomato sauce (which is a staple in our house) .... everything. I make smoothies for the kids that has vege puree in it (usually carrot, zucchini and cauliflower) plus I add beetroot and whatever fruit is in the fridge I also add a kids multivitamin/protein powder to give it a boost.
If your daughter likes yogurt than you might be able to swap to one that has more protein in it or add protein powder to it yourself. I got my kids to eat it by putting sprinkles on it and only giving it to them as a ""treat"", little do they know theres added vitamins in it hahaha., The problem with her not eating meat is she won’t ever gain the right weight off starches only. Like I feel bad because my other 3 kids including another autistic child eats everything I usually make them, I never make her feel less than a person if she refuses. It’s more of me enternally screaming because she’s barely making her weight chart for her age. And she’s lost weight since her last yr app. I also worry about her lacking in iron because she refuses meat and I’m lucky to get her to eat chicken nuggets., I understand. We tried to work with my son's Early Intervention Occupational Therapist to broaden his horizons but we personally didn't really get anywhere and now he's in the school aged therapies and they don't work with feeding issues for some reason. Have you looked in the tactic of food chaining? It's basically taking foods the child is comfortable with and then offering them similar foods that are slightly different in shape/color with the end result of getting them to eat the desired food. For example, we paired green veggie straws while trying to get my son to try green beans. I'm sure you are doing all you can. Feeding issues are really tough because we can't force them to eat things that are good for them even though we want to see them thrive., Will she eat gummy candies? For one of my kids we do a gummy vitamin with iron, and for the other we do a liquid multivitamin., She takes iron and multivitamins, That’s great!

If it makes you feel better, my 4yo hasn’t eaten any meat at all, chicken included, for 3 years and his iron levels are okay. The supplements really do work., Isn’t there something they can take to help stimulate hunger? I feel like my daughter doesn’t eat enough period, The caution here is that it might not be “feeling hungry” that is holding her back. She simply may not want to eat so while yes, there may be meds that can stimulate hunger, what you might get is a particularly cranky (uncomfortable) child who still still won’t eat.

My LO is on a similar diet to yours, only nuggets, apple, oranges, and castella cake 

We have him on supplements as well and I too worry constantly about his food intake. That said, he’s not underweight, so we just keep trying to give him 1 meat with every meal of safe foods -hoping he’ll eventually eat it.

If the dr is convinced she is ok and she’s not underweight clinically, the best you can do is get a second opinion for peace of mind.

Edit: also, consider letting her snack. Our guy has very VERY recently started “asking” for snacks between meals and volume wise he is eating more than before., My 4 year old is eating next to nothing these days. I can tell by the way her clothes fit that she’s lost weight. I’ve brought it up to her doctor in the past and they tend to brush it off because she’s not underweight. We are down to whole milk and snacky things like popcorn, chips, pretzels, fruit snacks. Sorry I have no helpful tricks to get them eating :(, We are pretty much in the same boat with my three year old son. I feel like the worst mom just giving him frozen, processed foods but I guess I should just be glad that he eats. I don't have any advice, I try to offer him different things but he always has access to his safe foods. It's really hard., Restrictive diets are extremely common among autistic kids. 

First off, that’s not a bad list. Pizza is calorie dense and has protein and fat. Nuggets *are* meat and have tons of protein. Yogurt has fat and protein. Honestly, I would cry with happiness if my ARFID kiddo ate any of those—there are weeks where he has only eaten Ritz crackers. 

Second, snacks are not bad! It’s normal and appropriate for kids to have 2-3 snacks per day. Children have small stomaches and fast metabolisms. They need to eat more frequently. If you introduce a scheduled morning and afternoon snack, I think you’ll have better luck getting calories in. 

Third, and I can’t say this enough, food is a battle of wills you *cannot win*. Kids need control, and autistic kids more than most. And our kids are 100% willing to starve themselves into a feeding tube. The more you turn things into a fight, the worse it will get. 

It sucks so much!! I know! It’s so hard to watch our kids not get what they need. But force won’t get you there.

There are three main things that help:
- No pressure. Provide food, let them choose what to eat. Even if it’s killing you, plaster a smile on your face and say casually “you don’t have to eat it if you don’t want to.”
- Always provide a safe food at every meal and snacks. Yeah, that is going to mean lots of nuggets. At least they are fast. You serve the safe food alongside other foods.
- Consistent and regular exposure to other foods, in a safe, low-pressure environment. 

I highly recommend the blog/insta Kids Eat in Color and her picky eater guide for more ideas for exposure and food play. 

Finally, I’m an autistic adult and still a selective eater, though I have greatly expanded my palette. What I wish my parents knew when I was a kid is that *I hate this too.* It really sucks for us! It’s not great to know that any time I try a new food, I could unexpectedly hit a slimy chunk of cooked onion and vomit. I loathe all the pressure and stress around food. I wish I could just try things.

Texture and taste sensitivity isn’t willful, or an attempt to torture you. It’s a physiological and psychological reaction we can’t control. With time and exposure it can get better. Mine is better! I don’t throw up because of onions any more! (I do still pick them out of my food.) But having my parents tell me I was being stubborn and dramatic while I sobbed was the worst feeling in the world., Every time my son gets sick, he'll regress back to fruit pouches.  He won't eat anything else except those pouches, cookies, and certain chips. He loves yogurt, but he can't have any right now due to his congestion. 

I worry about his health constantly.  He's 3.5., Not therapy/medical advice, but here are some tips that might help:

\- Take it slow! Introduce new foods gradually and in low-pressure situations, starting with ones that have similar textures or flavors to her favorites. Pizza lovers might be more open to trying an open-faced cheesy quesadilla or a pasta dish with similar toppings -- or start smaller -- if she likes cheese pizza, try cheese pizza + one piece that has veggies on it!

\- Let her help out in the kitchen! Kids are often more willing to try new foods if they've had a hand in making them. Plus, it's a fun bonding activity even if she doesn't want to try it.

\- Make sure you're showing her that trying new foods is a normal and enjoyable part of mealtime.

\- Keep offering a variety of foods, even if she doesn't show interest at first. Sometimes it takes multiple exposures for a child to feel comfortable trying something new.

\- Offer small servings of new foods alongside her favorites. 

\- Praise her efforts, even if she only lets it on her plate, smells it, licks it, or takes a tiny taste. Every step toward expanding her diet is worth celebrating!

\- It can be frustrating at times, but try to stay patient and persistent. With time and encouragement, she'll hopefully become more open to trying new foods.

\- It might be worth reaching out to a speech-language pathologist or occupational therapist who specializes in feeding therapy. They can provide personalized support and guidance tailored to your daughter's needs.

\- Don't beat yourself too much about it! Fed is best. I recommend the instagram @ Kids Eat In Color for more great tips!

Hang in there! :), My daughter refuses to eat meat other than highly processed ham and salami. So I steam and puree ALOT of vegetables into separate batches. This puree goes into almost every meal I make. Its in the pizza sause, pasta sauce, tomato sauce (which is a staple in our house) .... everything. I make smoothies for the kids that has vege puree in it (usually carrot, zucchini and cauliflower) plus I add beetroot and whatever fruit is in the fridge I also add a kids multivitamin/protein powder to give it a boost.
If your daughter likes yogurt than you might be able to swap to one that has more protein in it or add protein powder to it yourself. I got my kids to eat it by putting sprinkles on it and only giving it to them as a ""treat"", little do they know theres added vitamins in it hahaha., The problem with her not eating meat is she won’t ever gain the right weight off starches only. Like I feel bad because my other 3 kids including another autistic child eats everything I usually make them, I never make her feel less than a person if she refuses. It’s more of me enternally screaming because she’s barely making her weight chart for her age. And she’s lost weight since her last yr app. I also worry about her lacking in iron because she refuses meat and I’m lucky to get her to eat chicken nuggets., I understand. We tried to work with my son's Early Intervention Occupational Therapist to broaden his horizons but we personally didn't really get anywhere and now he's in the school aged therapies and they don't work with feeding issues for some reason. Have you looked in the tactic of food chaining? It's basically taking foods the child is comfortable with and then offering them similar foods that are slightly different in shape/color with the end result of getting them to eat the desired food. For example, we paired green veggie straws while trying to get my son to try green beans. I'm sure you are doing all you can. Feeding issues are really tough because we can't force them to eat things that are good for them even though we want to see them thrive., Will she eat gummy candies? For one of my kids we do a gummy vitamin with iron, and for the other we do a liquid multivitamin., She takes iron and multivitamins, That’s great!

If it makes you feel better, my 4yo hasn’t eaten any meat at all, chicken included, for 3 years and his iron levels are okay. The supplements really do work., Isn’t there something they can take to help stimulate hunger? I feel like my daughter doesn’t eat enough period, The caution here is that it might not be “feeling hungry” that is holding her back. She simply may not want to eat so while yes, there may be meds that can stimulate hunger, what you might get is a particularly cranky (uncomfortable) child who still still won’t eat.

My LO is on a similar diet to yours, only nuggets, apple, oranges, and castella cake 

We have him on supplements as well and I too worry constantly about his food intake. That said, he’s not underweight, so we just keep trying to give him 1 meat with every meal of safe foods -hoping he’ll eventually eat it.

If the dr is convinced she is ok and she’s not underweight clinically, the best you can do is get a second opinion for peace of mind.

Edit: also, consider letting her snack. Our guy has very VERY recently started “asking” for snacks between meals and volume wise he is eating more than before., My 4 year old is eating next to nothing these days. I can tell by the way her clothes fit that she’s lost weight. I’ve brought it up to her doctor in the past and they tend to brush it off because she’s not underweight. We are down to whole milk and snacky things like popcorn, chips, pretzels, fruit snacks. Sorry I have no helpful tricks to get them eating :(, We are pretty much in the same boat with my three year old son. I feel like the worst mom just giving him frozen, processed foods but I guess I should just be glad that he eats. I don't have any advice, I try to offer him different things but he always has access to his safe foods. It's really hard., Restrictive diets are extremely common among autistic kids. 

First off, that’s not a bad list. Pizza is calorie dense and has protein and fat. Nuggets *are* meat and have tons of protein. Yogurt has fat and protein. Honestly, I would cry with happiness if my ARFID kiddo ate any of those—there are weeks where he has only eaten Ritz crackers. 

Second, snacks are not bad! It’s normal and appropriate for kids to have 2-3 snacks per day. Children have small stomaches and fast metabolisms. They need to eat more frequently. If you introduce a scheduled morning and afternoon snack, I think you’ll have better luck getting calories in. 

Third, and I can’t say this enough, food is a battle of wills you *cannot win*. Kids need control, and autistic kids more than most. And our kids are 100% willing to starve themselves into a feeding tube. The more you turn things into a fight, the worse it will get. 

It sucks so much!! I know! It’s so hard to watch our kids not get what they need. But force won’t get you there.

There are three main things that help:
- No pressure. Provide food, let them choose what to eat. Even if it’s killing you, plaster a smile on your face and say casually “you don’t have to eat it if you don’t want to.”
- Always provide a safe food at every meal and snacks. Yeah, that is going to mean lots of nuggets. At least they are fast. You serve the safe food alongside other foods.
- Consistent and regular exposure to other foods, in a safe, low-pressure environment. 

I highly recommend the blog/insta Kids Eat in Color and her picky eater guide for more ideas for exposure and food play. 

Finally, I’m an autistic adult and still a selective eater, though I have greatly expanded my palette. What I wish my parents knew when I was a kid is that *I hate this too.* It really sucks for us! It’s not great to know that any time I try a new food, I could unexpectedly hit a slimy chunk of cooked onion and vomit. I loathe all the pressure and stress around food. I wish I could just try things.

Texture and taste sensitivity isn’t willful, or an attempt to torture you. It’s a physiological and psychological reaction we can’t control. With time and exposure it can get better. Mine is better! I don’t throw up because of onions any more! (I do still pick them out of my food.) But having my parents tell me I was being stubborn and dramatic while I sobbed was the worst feeling in the world., Every time my son gets sick, he'll regress back to fruit pouches.  He won't eat anything else except those pouches, cookies, and certain chips. He loves yogurt, but he can't have any right now due to his congestion. 

I worry about his health constantly.  He's 3.5., Not therapy/medical advice, but here are some tips that might help:

\- Take it slow! Introduce new foods gradually and in low-pressure situations, starting with ones that have similar textures or flavors to her favorites. Pizza lovers might be more open to trying an open-faced cheesy quesadilla or a pasta dish with similar toppings -- or start smaller -- if she likes cheese pizza, try cheese pizza + one piece that has veggies on it!

\- Let her help out in the kitchen! Kids are often more willing to try new foods if they've had a hand in making them. Plus, it's a fun bonding activity even if she doesn't want to try it.

\- Make sure you're showing her that trying new foods is a normal and enjoyable part of mealtime.

\- Keep offering a variety of foods, even if she doesn't show interest at first. Sometimes it takes multiple exposures for a child to feel comfortable trying something new.

\- Offer small servings of new foods alongside her favorites. 

\- Praise her efforts, even if she only lets it on her plate, smells it, licks it, or takes a tiny taste. Every step toward expanding her diet is worth celebrating!

\- It can be frustrating at times, but try to stay patient and persistent. With time and encouragement, she'll hopefully become more open to trying new foods.

\- It might be worth reaching out to a speech-language pathologist or occupational therapist who specializes in feeding therapy. They can provide personalized support and guidance tailored to your daughter's needs.

\- Don't beat yourself too much about it! Fed is best. I recommend the instagram @ Kids Eat In Color for more great tips!

Hang in there! :), My daughter refuses to eat meat other than highly processed ham and salami. So I steam and puree ALOT of vegetables into separate batches. This puree goes into almost every meal I make. Its in the pizza sause, pasta sauce, tomato sauce (which is a staple in our house) .... everything. I make smoothies for the kids that has vege puree in it (usually carrot, zucchini and cauliflower) plus I add beetroot and whatever fruit is in the fridge I also add a kids multivitamin/protein powder to give it a boost.
If your daughter likes yogurt than you might be able to swap to one that has more protein in it or add protein powder to it yourself. I got my kids to eat it by putting sprinkles on it and only giving it to them as a ""treat"", little do they know theres added vitamins in it hahaha., The problem with her not eating meat is she won’t ever gain the right weight off starches only. Like I feel bad because my other 3 kids including another autistic child eats everything I usually make them, I never make her feel less than a person if she refuses. It’s more of me enternally screaming because she’s barely making her weight chart for her age. And she’s lost weight since her last yr app. I also worry about her lacking in iron because she refuses meat and I’m lucky to get her to eat chicken nuggets., I understand. We tried to work with my son's Early Intervention Occupational Therapist to broaden his horizons but we personally didn't really get anywhere and now he's in the school aged therapies and they don't work with feeding issues for some reason. Have you looked in the tactic of food chaining? It's basically taking foods the child is comfortable with and then offering them similar foods that are slightly different in shape/color with the end result of getting them to eat the desired food. For example, we paired green veggie straws while trying to get my son to try green beans. I'm sure you are doing all you can. Feeding issues are really tough because we can't force them to eat things that are good for them even though we want to see them thrive., Will she eat gummy candies? For one of my kids we do a gummy vitamin with iron, and for the other we do a liquid multivitamin., She takes iron and multivitamins, That’s great!

If it makes you feel better, my 4yo hasn’t eaten any meat at all, chicken included, for 3 years and his iron levels are okay. The supplements really do work., Isn’t there something they can take to help stimulate hunger? I feel like my daughter doesn’t eat enough period, The caution here is that it might not be “feeling hungry” that is holding her back. She simply may not want to eat so while yes, there may be meds that can stimulate hunger, what you might get is a particularly cranky (uncomfortable) child who still still won’t eat.

My LO is on a similar diet to yours, only nuggets, apple, oranges, and castella cake 

We have him on supplements as well and I too worry constantly about his food intake. That said, he’s not underweight, so we just keep trying to give him 1 meat with every meal of safe foods -hoping he’ll eventually eat it.

If the dr is convinced she is ok and she’s not underweight clinically, the best you can do is get a second opinion for peace of mind.

Edit: also, consider letting her snack. Our guy has very VERY recently started “asking” for snacks between meals and volume wise he is eating more than before., My 4 year old is eating next to nothing these days. I can tell by the way her clothes fit that she’s lost weight. I’ve brought it up to her doctor in the past and they tend to brush it off because she’s not underweight. We are down to whole milk and snacky things like popcorn, chips, pretzels, fruit snacks. Sorry I have no helpful tricks to get them eating :(, We are pretty much in the same boat with my three year old son. I feel like the worst mom just giving him frozen, processed foods but I guess I should just be glad that he eats. I don't have any advice, I try to offer him different things but he always has access to his safe foods. It's really hard., Restrictive diets are extremely common among autistic kids. 

First off, that’s not a bad list. Pizza is calorie dense and has protein and fat. Nuggets *are* meat and have tons of protein. Yogurt has fat and protein. Honestly, I would cry with happiness if my ARFID kiddo ate any of those—there are weeks where he has only eaten Ritz crackers. 

Second, snacks are not bad! It’s normal and appropriate for kids to have 2-3 snacks per day. Children have small stomaches and fast metabolisms. They need to eat more frequently. If you introduce a scheduled morning and afternoon snack, I think you’ll have better luck getting calories in. 

Third, and I can’t say this enough, food is a battle of wills you *cannot win*. Kids need control, and autistic kids more than most. And our kids are 100% willing to starve themselves into a feeding tube. The more you turn things into a fight, the worse it will get. 

It sucks so much!! I know! It’s so hard to watch our kids not get what they need. But force won’t get you there.

There are three main things that help:
- No pressure. Provide food, let them choose what to eat. Even if it’s killing you, plaster a smile on your face and say casually “you don’t have to eat it if you don’t want to.”
- Always provide a safe food at every meal and snacks. Yeah, that is going to mean lots of nuggets. At least they are fast. You serve the safe food alongside other foods.
- Consistent and regular exposure to other foods, in a safe, low-pressure environment. 

I highly recommend the blog/insta Kids Eat in Color and her picky eater guide for more ideas for exposure and food play. 

Finally, I’m an autistic adult and still a selective eater, though I have greatly expanded my palette. What I wish my parents knew when I was a kid is that *I hate this too.* It really sucks for us! It’s not great to know that any time I try a new food, I could unexpectedly hit a slimy chunk of cooked onion and vomit. I loathe all the pressure and stress around food. I wish I could just try things.

Texture and taste sensitivity isn’t willful, or an attempt to torture you. It’s a physiological and psychological reaction we can’t control. With time and exposure it can get better. Mine is better! I don’t throw up because of onions any more! (I do still pick them out of my food.) But having my parents tell me I was being stubborn and dramatic while I sobbed was the worst feeling in the world., Every time my son gets sick, he'll regress back to fruit pouches.  He won't eat anything else except those pouches, cookies, and certain chips. He loves yogurt, but he can't have any right now due to his congestion. 

I worry about his health constantly.  He's 3.5., Not therapy/medical advice, but here are some tips that might help:

\- Take it slow! Introduce new foods gradually and in low-pressure situations, starting with ones that have similar textures or flavors to her favorites. Pizza lovers might be more open to trying an open-faced cheesy quesadilla or a pasta dish with similar toppings -- or start smaller -- if she likes cheese pizza, try cheese pizza + one piece that has veggies on it!

\- Let her help out in the kitchen! Kids are often more willing to try new foods if they've had a hand in making them. Plus, it's a fun bonding activity even if she doesn't want to try it.

\- Make sure you're showing her that trying new foods is a normal and enjoyable part of mealtime.

\- Keep offering a variety of foods, even if she doesn't show interest at first. Sometimes it takes multiple exposures for a child to feel comfortable trying something new.

\- Offer small servings of new foods alongside her favorites. 

\- Praise her efforts, even if she only lets it on her plate, smells it, licks it, or takes a tiny taste. Every step toward expanding her diet is worth celebrating!

\- It can be frustrating at times, but try to stay patient and persistent. With time and encouragement, she'll hopefully become more open to trying new foods.

\- It might be worth reaching out to a speech-language pathologist or occupational therapist who specializes in feeding therapy. They can provide personalized support and guidance tailored to your daughter's needs.

\- Don't beat yourself too much about it! Fed is best. I recommend the instagram @ Kids Eat In Color for more great tips!

Hang in there! :), My daughter refuses to eat meat other than highly processed ham and salami. So I steam and puree ALOT of vegetables into separate batches. This puree goes into almost every meal I make. Its in the pizza sause, pasta sauce, tomato sauce (which is a staple in our house) .... everything. I make smoothies for the kids that has vege puree in it (usually carrot, zucchini and cauliflower) plus I add beetroot and whatever fruit is in the fridge I also add a kids multivitamin/protein powder to give it a boost.
If your daughter likes yogurt than you might be able to swap to one that has more protein in it or add protein powder to it yourself. I got my kids to eat it by putting sprinkles on it and only giving it to them as a ""treat"", little do they know theres added vitamins in it hahaha., The problem with her not eating meat is she won’t ever gain the right weight off starches only. Like I feel bad because my other 3 kids including another autistic child eats everything I usually make them, I never make her feel less than a person if she refuses. It’s more of me enternally screaming because she’s barely making her weight chart for her age. And she’s lost weight since her last yr app. I also worry about her lacking in iron because she refuses meat and I’m lucky to get her to eat chicken nuggets., I understand. We tried to work with my son's Early Intervention Occupational Therapist to broaden his horizons but we personally didn't really get anywhere and now he's in the school aged therapies and they don't work with feeding issues for some reason. Have you looked in the tactic of food chaining? It's basically taking foods the child is comfortable with and then offering them similar foods that are slightly different in shape/color with the end result of getting them to eat the desired food. For example, we paired green veggie straws while trying to get my son to try green beans. I'm sure you are doing all you can. Feeding issues are really tough because we can't force them to eat things that are good for them even though we want to see them thrive., Will she eat gummy candies? For one of my kids we do a gummy vitamin with iron, and for the other we do a liquid multivitamin., She takes iron and multivitamins, That’s great!

If it makes you feel better, my 4yo hasn’t eaten any meat at all, chicken included, for 3 years and his iron levels are okay. The supplements really do work., Isn’t there something they can take to help stimulate hunger? I feel like my daughter doesn’t eat enough period, The caution here is that it might not be “feeling hungry” that is holding her back. She simply may not want to eat so while yes, there may be meds that can stimulate hunger, what you might get is a particularly cranky (uncomfortable) child who still still won’t eat.

My LO is on a similar diet to yours, only nuggets, apple, oranges, and castella cake 

We have him on supplements as well and I too worry constantly about his food intake. That said, he’s not underweight, so we just keep trying to give him 1 meat with every meal of safe foods -hoping he’ll eventually eat it.

If the dr is convinced she is ok and she’s not underweight clinically, the best you can do is get a second opinion for peace of mind.

Edit: also, consider letting her snack. Our guy has very VERY recently started “asking” for snacks between meals and volume wise he is eating more than before.",Support,Picky Eating
"My 2.5 yo level 2 is usually extremely happy and loves to explore on his own.  However he has huge issues when departing from me.  When I drop him off at daycare, he starts crying and screaming historically.  I never see him playing with other kids so I’m sure he’s not excited to see anyone at the daycare. He did get kicked out of the first Montessori after 3 days because they couldn’t deal with the constant crying.  It’s been 8 months at a new Montessori and it has never gotten any better.  It’s really tearing me apart.  What am I doing wrong?  How can I get him to love his school?
","I had the same issue with my youngest (then 2, now 3). We went for 6 months and every morning was tears and screams. I figured out it was because he couldn’t handle the auditory sensory overload of being in a classroom with other 2 & 3 year olds and it made since. 2/3 year olds are LOUD - they scream, cry, yell, etc. And Jonah has always been set off by other peoples loud voices. So at drop off he would still go to his teachers and let them pick him up - so I knew he was ok with them or he wouldn’t do that - but I think he was crying because he knew what was coming. A day of sensory overload from other loud toddlers. 

I ended up pulling them from daycare and hiring a nanny to watch them in our home, but I know not everyone can do that. Before I came to that decision, I got some earmuffs for him to wear, and talked to his teachers about a plan for when he gets overwhelmed. They made a quiet corner for him to go to when he was overloaded. And I also gave them tips on things that helped him regulate and calm down when he’s having a meltdown. Like counting, abc’s, bouncing on something, spinning in an office chair, etc. 

I hope this helps a little and I totally understand the pain you feel at drop off. It’s so hard ❤️, Montessori seems to not be a good fit for some neurodivergent kids. It is too self directed whereas they thrive on structure. Your kid might be crying bc he is stressed and doesnt understand the expectations., My daughter. Now 7 was the same. However, I attended a mainstream daycare. After much research and the lack of a pure Montessori daycare where I lived. 
However we got her into a wonderful daycare that was willing to make her feel as welcome and safe as possible.
After much discussion with the daycare, we were able to narrow down a few points. Always having a quite space available to assist her. Sometimes, this meant that she was taken into the babies room as it was much quiter, and she enjoyed helping the adults in small tasks. 
She always had her comfort toy with her. 
It helps her to have a clear sequence to the day. It was displayed in pictures when she was young, and I would review it with her before I left each morning. 
Ie, drop off, morning play, snack, story time, colouring, lunch, nap, outside time, home. 
Her teachers would give her a 5 min warning before changing each task so she could expect the change. 
Separation was and still is always difficult. She has and had a key worker or 2. That would greet her and give her something sensory safe to do. 

After a lot of research, we decided against Montessori school when we relocated post covid as it just wasn't a safe space for her. It was heartbreaking for me as I had idolised the theory and had put some in place for my oldest who thrived off it. 
During my research I also discovered that in my country, it was rarely followed correctly (for a number of reasons) 

Don't get me wrong. We still have massive struggles with her schooling, even though she is only ""mild autistic"" and ADHD. It has been finding a balance between preparing her for the real world and keeping her feeling emotionally safe and regulated. 

I would suggest sitting with the daycare and seeing if your country has early intervention specialist that can come in and give some tips. In Australia this was a free service the daycare could reach out to., Thanks for the tips.  I’m going to ask about having a coping area for my boy.  He would love a spinning chair although he might spend all day spinning the chair., I had the same issue with my youngest (then 2, now 3). We went for 6 months and every morning was tears and screams. I figured out it was because he couldn’t handle the auditory sensory overload of being in a classroom with other 2 & 3 year olds and it made since. 2/3 year olds are LOUD - they scream, cry, yell, etc. And Jonah has always been set off by other peoples loud voices. So at drop off he would still go to his teachers and let them pick him up - so I knew he was ok with them or he wouldn’t do that - but I think he was crying because he knew what was coming. A day of sensory overload from other loud toddlers. 

I ended up pulling them from daycare and hiring a nanny to watch them in our home, but I know not everyone can do that. Before I came to that decision, I got some earmuffs for him to wear, and talked to his teachers about a plan for when he gets overwhelmed. They made a quiet corner for him to go to when he was overloaded. And I also gave them tips on things that helped him regulate and calm down when he’s having a meltdown. Like counting, abc’s, bouncing on something, spinning in an office chair, etc. 

I hope this helps a little and I totally understand the pain you feel at drop off. It’s so hard ❤️, Montessori seems to not be a good fit for some neurodivergent kids. It is too self directed whereas they thrive on structure. Your kid might be crying bc he is stressed and doesnt understand the expectations., My daughter. Now 7 was the same. However, I attended a mainstream daycare. After much research and the lack of a pure Montessori daycare where I lived. 
However we got her into a wonderful daycare that was willing to make her feel as welcome and safe as possible.
After much discussion with the daycare, we were able to narrow down a few points. Always having a quite space available to assist her. Sometimes, this meant that she was taken into the babies room as it was much quiter, and she enjoyed helping the adults in small tasks. 
She always had her comfort toy with her. 
It helps her to have a clear sequence to the day. It was displayed in pictures when she was young, and I would review it with her before I left each morning. 
Ie, drop off, morning play, snack, story time, colouring, lunch, nap, outside time, home. 
Her teachers would give her a 5 min warning before changing each task so she could expect the change. 
Separation was and still is always difficult. She has and had a key worker or 2. That would greet her and give her something sensory safe to do. 

After a lot of research, we decided against Montessori school when we relocated post covid as it just wasn't a safe space for her. It was heartbreaking for me as I had idolised the theory and had put some in place for my oldest who thrived off it. 
During my research I also discovered that in my country, it was rarely followed correctly (for a number of reasons) 

Don't get me wrong. We still have massive struggles with her schooling, even though she is only ""mild autistic"" and ADHD. It has been finding a balance between preparing her for the real world and keeping her feeling emotionally safe and regulated. 

I would suggest sitting with the daycare and seeing if your country has early intervention specialist that can come in and give some tips. In Australia this was a free service the daycare could reach out to., Thanks for the tips.  I’m going to ask about having a coping area for my boy.  He would love a spinning chair although he might spend all day spinning the chair., I had the same issue with my youngest (then 2, now 3). We went for 6 months and every morning was tears and screams. I figured out it was because he couldn’t handle the auditory sensory overload of being in a classroom with other 2 & 3 year olds and it made since. 2/3 year olds are LOUD - they scream, cry, yell, etc. And Jonah has always been set off by other peoples loud voices. So at drop off he would still go to his teachers and let them pick him up - so I knew he was ok with them or he wouldn’t do that - but I think he was crying because he knew what was coming. A day of sensory overload from other loud toddlers. 

I ended up pulling them from daycare and hiring a nanny to watch them in our home, but I know not everyone can do that. Before I came to that decision, I got some earmuffs for him to wear, and talked to his teachers about a plan for when he gets overwhelmed. They made a quiet corner for him to go to when he was overloaded. And I also gave them tips on things that helped him regulate and calm down when he’s having a meltdown. Like counting, abc’s, bouncing on something, spinning in an office chair, etc. 

I hope this helps a little and I totally understand the pain you feel at drop off. It’s so hard ❤️, Montessori seems to not be a good fit for some neurodivergent kids. It is too self directed whereas they thrive on structure. Your kid might be crying bc he is stressed and doesnt understand the expectations., My daughter. Now 7 was the same. However, I attended a mainstream daycare. After much research and the lack of a pure Montessori daycare where I lived. 
However we got her into a wonderful daycare that was willing to make her feel as welcome and safe as possible.
After much discussion with the daycare, we were able to narrow down a few points. Always having a quite space available to assist her. Sometimes, this meant that she was taken into the babies room as it was much quiter, and she enjoyed helping the adults in small tasks. 
She always had her comfort toy with her. 
It helps her to have a clear sequence to the day. It was displayed in pictures when she was young, and I would review it with her before I left each morning. 
Ie, drop off, morning play, snack, story time, colouring, lunch, nap, outside time, home. 
Her teachers would give her a 5 min warning before changing each task so she could expect the change. 
Separation was and still is always difficult. She has and had a key worker or 2. That would greet her and give her something sensory safe to do. 

After a lot of research, we decided against Montessori school when we relocated post covid as it just wasn't a safe space for her. It was heartbreaking for me as I had idolised the theory and had put some in place for my oldest who thrived off it. 
During my research I also discovered that in my country, it was rarely followed correctly (for a number of reasons) 

Don't get me wrong. We still have massive struggles with her schooling, even though she is only ""mild autistic"" and ADHD. It has been finding a balance between preparing her for the real world and keeping her feeling emotionally safe and regulated. 

I would suggest sitting with the daycare and seeing if your country has early intervention specialist that can come in and give some tips. In Australia this was a free service the daycare could reach out to., Thanks for the tips.  I’m going to ask about having a coping area for my boy.  He would love a spinning chair although he might spend all day spinning the chair., I had the same issue with my youngest (then 2, now 3). We went for 6 months and every morning was tears and screams. I figured out it was because he couldn’t handle the auditory sensory overload of being in a classroom with other 2 & 3 year olds and it made since. 2/3 year olds are LOUD - they scream, cry, yell, etc. And Jonah has always been set off by other peoples loud voices. So at drop off he would still go to his teachers and let them pick him up - so I knew he was ok with them or he wouldn’t do that - but I think he was crying because he knew what was coming. A day of sensory overload from other loud toddlers. 

I ended up pulling them from daycare and hiring a nanny to watch them in our home, but I know not everyone can do that. Before I came to that decision, I got some earmuffs for him to wear, and talked to his teachers about a plan for when he gets overwhelmed. They made a quiet corner for him to go to when he was overloaded. And I also gave them tips on things that helped him regulate and calm down when he’s having a meltdown. Like counting, abc’s, bouncing on something, spinning in an office chair, etc. 

I hope this helps a little and I totally understand the pain you feel at drop off. It’s so hard ❤️, Montessori seems to not be a good fit for some neurodivergent kids. It is too self directed whereas they thrive on structure. Your kid might be crying bc he is stressed and doesnt understand the expectations., My daughter. Now 7 was the same. However, I attended a mainstream daycare. After much research and the lack of a pure Montessori daycare where I lived. 
However we got her into a wonderful daycare that was willing to make her feel as welcome and safe as possible.
After much discussion with the daycare, we were able to narrow down a few points. Always having a quite space available to assist her. Sometimes, this meant that she was taken into the babies room as it was much quiter, and she enjoyed helping the adults in small tasks. 
She always had her comfort toy with her. 
It helps her to have a clear sequence to the day. It was displayed in pictures when she was young, and I would review it with her before I left each morning. 
Ie, drop off, morning play, snack, story time, colouring, lunch, nap, outside time, home. 
Her teachers would give her a 5 min warning before changing each task so she could expect the change. 
Separation was and still is always difficult. She has and had a key worker or 2. That would greet her and give her something sensory safe to do. 

After a lot of research, we decided against Montessori school when we relocated post covid as it just wasn't a safe space for her. It was heartbreaking for me as I had idolised the theory and had put some in place for my oldest who thrived off it. 
During my research I also discovered that in my country, it was rarely followed correctly (for a number of reasons) 

Don't get me wrong. We still have massive struggles with her schooling, even though she is only ""mild autistic"" and ADHD. It has been finding a balance between preparing her for the real world and keeping her feeling emotionally safe and regulated. 

I would suggest sitting with the daycare and seeing if your country has early intervention specialist that can come in and give some tips. In Australia this was a free service the daycare could reach out to., Thanks for the tips.  I’m going to ask about having a coping area for my boy.  He would love a spinning chair although he might spend all day spinning the chair.",Support,Parenting Support
"My 8yo has been peeing the bed almost every night for the past year or so. She is toilet trained and has been since she was 3 and night trained consistently since she was 4. 

She has severe insomnia and does take a sleep aid prescribed by her psychiatrist and has a serious problem with getting up in the middle of the night to binge eat. 

I’m assuming she’s drinking juice boxes also during this time, which is the main issue. 

She has issues with body awareness, which definitely plays a part. We don’t allow her to drink anything after 7pm, but I know she’s coming down and drinking. 

We have gates with locks on the stairs and locks on the snack cabinet. We really don’t want to lock the fridge. 

We know she jumps the stair gate and has sat for hours figuring out combinations to the locks, so we change the combination every night. 

I don’t know what else to do to get her to stop drinking at night. If she didn’t have access to juice she will definitely drink water, and has when we hide the juice. Again, no issues with water, just at night!","It's not horrible to take a step back and put a diaper on her for the night, I would prefer that to another option (locking her door at night). 

If you ruled out any other (health) problems, why not a diaper?, Has any doctor run blood work on her to make sure she doesn’t have any physical issues related to being so thirsty?, For my boy, constipation was a trigger.  When he was having issues there, nighttime wetting increased.  It might be another potential issue/trigger to look in to.

Another strategy that helped was getting as much fluid in him at the start of the day, rather than the end. There was a bit of effort to flip when his body felt thirsty., My best friend who is on the spectrum had this same issue for years. She had to wear a diaper. It's not something she really could control, This isn't always behavioral. Nighttime wetting can just be part of the normal process of development, albeit somewhat delayed in some cases. The kidneys need to express enough vasopressin to suppress enuresis at nighttime. It just takes some kids longer to get to that point than others. It took my son until probably 9 years old to become reliable with no longer wetting the bed at night time. We dealt with it by using pullups at night.  We used  desmopressin when he attended an overnight camp. If she's drinking at night time, that's something I wouldn't recommend for regular use if the nighttime drinking cannot be avoided. If you've ruled out physiological causes, there's a good chance it is simply developmental and will self-correct in time., Enuresis is definitely in your psychiatrist’s domain. You can start conservatively by using a moisture alarm which will prompt your child to wake up if moisture is detected. Desmopressin can also be trialed (with periodic breaks) with the goal of weaning the child off of it in 6-12 months., Going through this now with my 8yr old. It’s only been a few months for us, but it really threw me for a loop because he’s been dry at night since he was 2…before he was even potty trained. 

I’d love to hear what you find out. We have visits set up with his pediatrician and a follow up with his neurologist (that’s who prescribes his sleep aid). 

I’ve gotten very tired of washing bedding, so I’ve put him in a nighttime pull up. He’s also been pretty resistant, so I have to explain to him every night that this helps keep the sheets and mattress dry. I also check on him a few times during the night to see that it’s still on and put another one on if he’s wiggled out of it., Whatever she is taking as a sleep aid (if it's not melatonin) may be part of the issue here - some folks don't wake up where their bladder is full due to the medication., My lil guy has no problem with wetting the bed UNLESS he eats corn which we avoid for several other food intolerance reasons but if he gets some every single time he will wet the bed for several nights in a row.  Is there any foods/drinks she's really fixated on?  You never know these kids are so sensitive it could be so many things!, Here's an article about possible reasons for nighttime wetting in children which includes some of the reasons people have offered here: [Urinary Incontinence in Children](https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/conditions-and-diseases/urinary-incontinence/urinary-incontinence-in-children)

(TW) A difficult question for you to think over: is there any possibility that your child is being physically or sexually abused? Sometimes nocturnal bedwetting is a sign that something negative is going on. I am not saying that she is, just something to keep in mind given the prevalence of physical and sexual abuse against autistic children.

> Autistic youth are three to four times more likely than non-autistic youth to experience sexual victimization, and between 40% and 50% of autistic adults report experiences of sexual abuse during childhood  [Sexual Victimization in Autistism](https://autism.org/sexual-victimization-in-autism/#:~:text=Autistic%20youth%20are%20three%20to,Weiss%20%26%20Fardella%2C%202018\).), My son took a while to night train but felt embarrassed wearing overnight diapers. Instead I committed to helping him “sleep train”. For the first 2 months I woke him up (basically carrying him to the bathroom as he was so out of it) twice a night, at midnight and 4 AM. Then moved to one 1:30 AM wake up. Did that for about a month and a half before I began to notice my son waking up more and more each night and then eventually he would be walking out of the bedroom as I was going in to wake him up. After a couple of weeks of that, I didn’t have to wake up anymore and he just woke up on his own., Is she on meds that are causing the midnight bingeing?, Is it Ambien? That causes me to get up in the middle of the night and do stuff I don't even remember, It’s probably the meds. And the fact you’re keeping water from her will make her want it more…, There are nighttime pull ups for older kids. They don’t look at all like diapers. Although she was night trained, bed wetting is not uncommon for all kids, NT and ND, until age 10., Yes, we took her to a urologist in February and he didn’t find anything wrong. I’ve been resistant to diapers because I know she will feel terrible about it, She saw a urologist in February, who said there was nothing wrong. I will call the pediatrician on Monday to circle back., That’s true. Her class doesn’t allow water bottles. I’ll get with the 504 team on this., Yeah, I just talked to her about it and she was pretty resistant 😕 I feel really bad about it. We have a psychiatrist appointment in a couple weeks and I’m going to definitely bring it up a little more firmly with some of the suggested remedies and tests here, Thank you. I’ll bring it up more firmly at our next appointment in April., My son needed wee- alert.  He was a buzzer attached to his underwear that went off when it got wet. It work in about 6 months.  Actually I needed one when I was a kid, too., She was taking hydroxyzine and is now taking trazodone. I’m going to talk to her psychiatrist in April about it and be a bit more firm., She is on methylphenidate for ADHD, fluoxetine for GAD, and trazodone for insomnia. I’m going to be more firm with the psychiatrist in April when we talk about meds, How about an incontinence sheet over her sheets so it can be easily changed & doesn’t add too much additional anxiety. I use them with my son, the shorter kind that just goes under their hip area.  The smell and the mess would really wear you down. It sounds like she can’t really help it. Can she easily access the bathroom in the middle of the night? If she’s getting up to eat could she be prompted to use the toilet at the same time?, I’d do the adult ones or a nighttime one- they aren’t diapers and they’re not for babies. You can tell her it’s just to keep the pee off her skin so it doesn’t get irritated until you guys figure it out, remove as much shame as possible- I am 44 and use incontinence pads., Don’t do the diaper. I think that will cause regression, it did with my son who is now 8. I find when I give my son melatonin and if he’s drinking water right before sleep it happens. It sucks but I set an alarm for the middle of the night like 12 or 1 am, I get up and walk him to the bathroom to pee and then guide him back to bed. It’s tiring but better than washing pee sheets each day, I was thinking more on the blood work side. If she craving fluids and snacks she could have an issue with her insulin levels. I would have them check her A1C and fasting sugar levels., An endocrinologist would run some of the right tests. Night peeing and thirst was the first sign my kiddo had high sugar levels. A urologist would usually be referred after another person ruled things out, I’d hope. So no bloodwork has been done? They just blew this totally novel thing off and claimed that it’s not physical -_- I am sorry OP that sucks😖, Same issue at 14. It’s gotten better. We go through dry bouts. Saw a doctor like you did and they told us they would grow out of it well into puberty. Our next step is a neurologist. I’m thinking small focal seizures when they are sleeping so they lose control of their bladder (seizures are common with autism).  We don’t make a big deal of it whatsoever since it’s nothing they can prevent. We just use Blankets and a bed pad over the sheets and mattress cover. I feel like asking a kid to wear diapers after a certain age is embarrassing and I don’t want them to feel shamed. I don’t mind washing a pad and a blanket frequently. Liquid intake had made no difference whatsoever. However we have found that if they just go to sleep on their own to the point of exhaustion such as falling asleep on the couch late at night and having them go before bed we have had the best results., That’s crazy to hear. If water is limited at school, and then she’s not getting water past seven in the evening, she’s probably trying to make up for being dehydrated., Not saying it’s the cause but constipation can absolutely be a trigger so if she not regularly going number 2, then try giving her fiber gummies. The regularity can significantly decrease the chances she’s losing control at night. This happened with a family member and who would say they didn’t even know it was happening until after. After taking fiber regularly, it stopped., Please update us! I hope you and her will be okay. I really pray it is a drawn out phase, My son takes the methylphenidate too and it restricts his appetite a ton. I’d be willing to bet when it’s worn off late at night she’s waking up to get in the missed calories of the day. The days he takes it he eats alot late, around 8/830pm followed up with a pediasure about 30min later. Can she have a protein shake about an hr before bed or something high calorie? 

My son takes 2mg of melatonin at night and doesn’t wake. Maybe they can suggest a diff sleep aid to help her stay asleep and not wake for food? I’d be curious if the trazadone puts her in such a deep sleep for a period that it could be contributing to the bladder issues maybe? 

That’s rough to deal with, I’m sorry., I don’t get how she’s able to get up and do this at night without the parents waking up and going to walk her back to bed? OP why aren’t you guys up? Like why locks and baby gates- and no cameras? How is an 8 year old up and awake for hours in the middle of the night, Thank you for the suggestion. I will definitely have them do this., Crazy on the schools part? For sure., ❤️, That’s a really good point, I didn’t even think about medication timing. We will definitely give her a high protein option and a high fat option., I hope you find some answers and it’s an easy fix. Hang in there., Yes, the daytime access is so important. Limiting past seven makes sense, I didn’t mean to imply that water before bed was a good idea. It’s definitely not. 

It makes sense that her body is trying to keep up with hydration needs that aren’t being met in the daytime. It’s surprising to me that the school doesn’t allow the kids free access to their water bottles. 

I hope the school agrees that that’s an easy IEP add on. My daughter’s school allows the kids to have water bottles and it’s never caused any problems., I think the methylphenidate has the shortest half life or else it’s adderral. I forget which 😂 but if it isn’t the concerta switching may help because the sooner it wears off the sooner she may be hungrier before bed. We had a lot of disruptive “but I’m hungry” as soon as we hit bed, Yeah they have scheduled “water breaks” and I only know that because I just had a text message conversation about it with her teacher about it. Arg, it’s so weird., It's not horrible to take a step back and put a diaper on her for the night, I would prefer that to another option (locking her door at night). 

If you ruled out any other (health) problems, why not a diaper?, Has any doctor run blood work on her to make sure she doesn’t have any physical issues related to being so thirsty?, For my boy, constipation was a trigger.  When he was having issues there, nighttime wetting increased.  It might be another potential issue/trigger to look in to.

Another strategy that helped was getting as much fluid in him at the start of the day, rather than the end. There was a bit of effort to flip when his body felt thirsty., My best friend who is on the spectrum had this same issue for years. She had to wear a diaper. It's not something she really could control, This isn't always behavioral. Nighttime wetting can just be part of the normal process of development, albeit somewhat delayed in some cases. The kidneys need to express enough vasopressin to suppress enuresis at nighttime. It just takes some kids longer to get to that point than others. It took my son until probably 9 years old to become reliable with no longer wetting the bed at night time. We dealt with it by using pullups at night.  We used  desmopressin when he attended an overnight camp. If she's drinking at night time, that's something I wouldn't recommend for regular use if the nighttime drinking cannot be avoided. If you've ruled out physiological causes, there's a good chance it is simply developmental and will self-correct in time., Enuresis is definitely in your psychiatrist’s domain. You can start conservatively by using a moisture alarm which will prompt your child to wake up if moisture is detected. Desmopressin can also be trialed (with periodic breaks) with the goal of weaning the child off of it in 6-12 months., Going through this now with my 8yr old. It’s only been a few months for us, but it really threw me for a loop because he’s been dry at night since he was 2…before he was even potty trained. 

I’d love to hear what you find out. We have visits set up with his pediatrician and a follow up with his neurologist (that’s who prescribes his sleep aid). 

I’ve gotten very tired of washing bedding, so I’ve put him in a nighttime pull up. He’s also been pretty resistant, so I have to explain to him every night that this helps keep the sheets and mattress dry. I also check on him a few times during the night to see that it’s still on and put another one on if he’s wiggled out of it., Whatever she is taking as a sleep aid (if it's not melatonin) may be part of the issue here - some folks don't wake up where their bladder is full due to the medication., My lil guy has no problem with wetting the bed UNLESS he eats corn which we avoid for several other food intolerance reasons but if he gets some every single time he will wet the bed for several nights in a row.  Is there any foods/drinks she's really fixated on?  You never know these kids are so sensitive it could be so many things!, Here's an article about possible reasons for nighttime wetting in children which includes some of the reasons people have offered here: [Urinary Incontinence in Children](https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/conditions-and-diseases/urinary-incontinence/urinary-incontinence-in-children)

(TW) A difficult question for you to think over: is there any possibility that your child is being physically or sexually abused? Sometimes nocturnal bedwetting is a sign that something negative is going on. I am not saying that she is, just something to keep in mind given the prevalence of physical and sexual abuse against autistic children.

> Autistic youth are three to four times more likely than non-autistic youth to experience sexual victimization, and between 40% and 50% of autistic adults report experiences of sexual abuse during childhood  [Sexual Victimization in Autistism](https://autism.org/sexual-victimization-in-autism/#:~:text=Autistic%20youth%20are%20three%20to,Weiss%20%26%20Fardella%2C%202018\).), My son took a while to night train but felt embarrassed wearing overnight diapers. Instead I committed to helping him “sleep train”. For the first 2 months I woke him up (basically carrying him to the bathroom as he was so out of it) twice a night, at midnight and 4 AM. Then moved to one 1:30 AM wake up. Did that for about a month and a half before I began to notice my son waking up more and more each night and then eventually he would be walking out of the bedroom as I was going in to wake him up. After a couple of weeks of that, I didn’t have to wake up anymore and he just woke up on his own., Is she on meds that are causing the midnight bingeing?, Is it Ambien? That causes me to get up in the middle of the night and do stuff I don't even remember, It’s probably the meds. And the fact you’re keeping water from her will make her want it more…, There are nighttime pull ups for older kids. They don’t look at all like diapers. Although she was night trained, bed wetting is not uncommon for all kids, NT and ND, until age 10., Yes, we took her to a urologist in February and he didn’t find anything wrong. I’ve been resistant to diapers because I know she will feel terrible about it, She saw a urologist in February, who said there was nothing wrong. I will call the pediatrician on Monday to circle back., That’s true. Her class doesn’t allow water bottles. I’ll get with the 504 team on this., Yeah, I just talked to her about it and she was pretty resistant 😕 I feel really bad about it. We have a psychiatrist appointment in a couple weeks and I’m going to definitely bring it up a little more firmly with some of the suggested remedies and tests here, Thank you. I’ll bring it up more firmly at our next appointment in April., My son needed wee- alert.  He was a buzzer attached to his underwear that went off when it got wet. It work in about 6 months.  Actually I needed one when I was a kid, too., She was taking hydroxyzine and is now taking trazodone. I’m going to talk to her psychiatrist in April about it and be a bit more firm., She is on methylphenidate for ADHD, fluoxetine for GAD, and trazodone for insomnia. I’m going to be more firm with the psychiatrist in April when we talk about meds, How about an incontinence sheet over her sheets so it can be easily changed & doesn’t add too much additional anxiety. I use them with my son, the shorter kind that just goes under their hip area.  The smell and the mess would really wear you down. It sounds like she can’t really help it. Can she easily access the bathroom in the middle of the night? If she’s getting up to eat could she be prompted to use the toilet at the same time?, I’d do the adult ones or a nighttime one- they aren’t diapers and they’re not for babies. You can tell her it’s just to keep the pee off her skin so it doesn’t get irritated until you guys figure it out, remove as much shame as possible- I am 44 and use incontinence pads., Don’t do the diaper. I think that will cause regression, it did with my son who is now 8. I find when I give my son melatonin and if he’s drinking water right before sleep it happens. It sucks but I set an alarm for the middle of the night like 12 or 1 am, I get up and walk him to the bathroom to pee and then guide him back to bed. It’s tiring but better than washing pee sheets each day, I was thinking more on the blood work side. If she craving fluids and snacks she could have an issue with her insulin levels. I would have them check her A1C and fasting sugar levels., An endocrinologist would run some of the right tests. Night peeing and thirst was the first sign my kiddo had high sugar levels. A urologist would usually be referred after another person ruled things out, I’d hope. So no bloodwork has been done? They just blew this totally novel thing off and claimed that it’s not physical -_- I am sorry OP that sucks😖, Same issue at 14. It’s gotten better. We go through dry bouts. Saw a doctor like you did and they told us they would grow out of it well into puberty. Our next step is a neurologist. I’m thinking small focal seizures when they are sleeping so they lose control of their bladder (seizures are common with autism).  We don’t make a big deal of it whatsoever since it’s nothing they can prevent. We just use Blankets and a bed pad over the sheets and mattress cover. I feel like asking a kid to wear diapers after a certain age is embarrassing and I don’t want them to feel shamed. I don’t mind washing a pad and a blanket frequently. Liquid intake had made no difference whatsoever. However we have found that if they just go to sleep on their own to the point of exhaustion such as falling asleep on the couch late at night and having them go before bed we have had the best results., That’s crazy to hear. If water is limited at school, and then she’s not getting water past seven in the evening, she’s probably trying to make up for being dehydrated., Not saying it’s the cause but constipation can absolutely be a trigger so if she not regularly going number 2, then try giving her fiber gummies. The regularity can significantly decrease the chances she’s losing control at night. This happened with a family member and who would say they didn’t even know it was happening until after. After taking fiber regularly, it stopped., Please update us! I hope you and her will be okay. I really pray it is a drawn out phase, My son takes the methylphenidate too and it restricts his appetite a ton. I’d be willing to bet when it’s worn off late at night she’s waking up to get in the missed calories of the day. The days he takes it he eats alot late, around 8/830pm followed up with a pediasure about 30min later. Can she have a protein shake about an hr before bed or something high calorie? 

My son takes 2mg of melatonin at night and doesn’t wake. Maybe they can suggest a diff sleep aid to help her stay asleep and not wake for food? I’d be curious if the trazadone puts her in such a deep sleep for a period that it could be contributing to the bladder issues maybe? 

That’s rough to deal with, I’m sorry., I don’t get how she’s able to get up and do this at night without the parents waking up and going to walk her back to bed? OP why aren’t you guys up? Like why locks and baby gates- and no cameras? How is an 8 year old up and awake for hours in the middle of the night, Thank you for the suggestion. I will definitely have them do this., Crazy on the schools part? For sure., ❤️, That’s a really good point, I didn’t even think about medication timing. We will definitely give her a high protein option and a high fat option., I hope you find some answers and it’s an easy fix. Hang in there., Yes, the daytime access is so important. Limiting past seven makes sense, I didn’t mean to imply that water before bed was a good idea. It’s definitely not. 

It makes sense that her body is trying to keep up with hydration needs that aren’t being met in the daytime. It’s surprising to me that the school doesn’t allow the kids free access to their water bottles. 

I hope the school agrees that that’s an easy IEP add on. My daughter’s school allows the kids to have water bottles and it’s never caused any problems., I think the methylphenidate has the shortest half life or else it’s adderral. I forget which 😂 but if it isn’t the concerta switching may help because the sooner it wears off the sooner she may be hungrier before bed. We had a lot of disruptive “but I’m hungry” as soon as we hit bed, Yeah they have scheduled “water breaks” and I only know that because I just had a text message conversation about it with her teacher about it. Arg, it’s so weird., It's not horrible to take a step back and put a diaper on her for the night, I would prefer that to another option (locking her door at night). 

If you ruled out any other (health) problems, why not a diaper?, Has any doctor run blood work on her to make sure she doesn’t have any physical issues related to being so thirsty?, For my boy, constipation was a trigger.  When he was having issues there, nighttime wetting increased.  It might be another potential issue/trigger to look in to.

Another strategy that helped was getting as much fluid in him at the start of the day, rather than the end. There was a bit of effort to flip when his body felt thirsty., My best friend who is on the spectrum had this same issue for years. She had to wear a diaper. It's not something she really could control, This isn't always behavioral. Nighttime wetting can just be part of the normal process of development, albeit somewhat delayed in some cases. The kidneys need to express enough vasopressin to suppress enuresis at nighttime. It just takes some kids longer to get to that point than others. It took my son until probably 9 years old to become reliable with no longer wetting the bed at night time. We dealt with it by using pullups at night.  We used  desmopressin when he attended an overnight camp. If she's drinking at night time, that's something I wouldn't recommend for regular use if the nighttime drinking cannot be avoided. If you've ruled out physiological causes, there's a good chance it is simply developmental and will self-correct in time., Enuresis is definitely in your psychiatrist’s domain. You can start conservatively by using a moisture alarm which will prompt your child to wake up if moisture is detected. Desmopressin can also be trialed (with periodic breaks) with the goal of weaning the child off of it in 6-12 months., Going through this now with my 8yr old. It’s only been a few months for us, but it really threw me for a loop because he’s been dry at night since he was 2…before he was even potty trained. 

I’d love to hear what you find out. We have visits set up with his pediatrician and a follow up with his neurologist (that’s who prescribes his sleep aid). 

I’ve gotten very tired of washing bedding, so I’ve put him in a nighttime pull up. He’s also been pretty resistant, so I have to explain to him every night that this helps keep the sheets and mattress dry. I also check on him a few times during the night to see that it’s still on and put another one on if he’s wiggled out of it., Whatever she is taking as a sleep aid (if it's not melatonin) may be part of the issue here - some folks don't wake up where their bladder is full due to the medication., My lil guy has no problem with wetting the bed UNLESS he eats corn which we avoid for several other food intolerance reasons but if he gets some every single time he will wet the bed for several nights in a row.  Is there any foods/drinks she's really fixated on?  You never know these kids are so sensitive it could be so many things!, Here's an article about possible reasons for nighttime wetting in children which includes some of the reasons people have offered here: [Urinary Incontinence in Children](https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/conditions-and-diseases/urinary-incontinence/urinary-incontinence-in-children)

(TW) A difficult question for you to think over: is there any possibility that your child is being physically or sexually abused? Sometimes nocturnal bedwetting is a sign that something negative is going on. I am not saying that she is, just something to keep in mind given the prevalence of physical and sexual abuse against autistic children.

> Autistic youth are three to four times more likely than non-autistic youth to experience sexual victimization, and between 40% and 50% of autistic adults report experiences of sexual abuse during childhood  [Sexual Victimization in Autistism](https://autism.org/sexual-victimization-in-autism/#:~:text=Autistic%20youth%20are%20three%20to,Weiss%20%26%20Fardella%2C%202018\).), My son took a while to night train but felt embarrassed wearing overnight diapers. Instead I committed to helping him “sleep train”. For the first 2 months I woke him up (basically carrying him to the bathroom as he was so out of it) twice a night, at midnight and 4 AM. Then moved to one 1:30 AM wake up. Did that for about a month and a half before I began to notice my son waking up more and more each night and then eventually he would be walking out of the bedroom as I was going in to wake him up. After a couple of weeks of that, I didn’t have to wake up anymore and he just woke up on his own., Is she on meds that are causing the midnight bingeing?, Is it Ambien? That causes me to get up in the middle of the night and do stuff I don't even remember, It’s probably the meds. And the fact you’re keeping water from her will make her want it more…, There are nighttime pull ups for older kids. They don’t look at all like diapers. Although she was night trained, bed wetting is not uncommon for all kids, NT and ND, until age 10., Yes, we took her to a urologist in February and he didn’t find anything wrong. I’ve been resistant to diapers because I know she will feel terrible about it, She saw a urologist in February, who said there was nothing wrong. I will call the pediatrician on Monday to circle back., That’s true. Her class doesn’t allow water bottles. I’ll get with the 504 team on this., Yeah, I just talked to her about it and she was pretty resistant 😕 I feel really bad about it. We have a psychiatrist appointment in a couple weeks and I’m going to definitely bring it up a little more firmly with some of the suggested remedies and tests here, Thank you. I’ll bring it up more firmly at our next appointment in April., My son needed wee- alert.  He was a buzzer attached to his underwear that went off when it got wet. It work in about 6 months.  Actually I needed one when I was a kid, too., She was taking hydroxyzine and is now taking trazodone. I’m going to talk to her psychiatrist in April about it and be a bit more firm., She is on methylphenidate for ADHD, fluoxetine for GAD, and trazodone for insomnia. I’m going to be more firm with the psychiatrist in April when we talk about meds, How about an incontinence sheet over her sheets so it can be easily changed & doesn’t add too much additional anxiety. I use them with my son, the shorter kind that just goes under their hip area.  The smell and the mess would really wear you down. It sounds like she can’t really help it. Can she easily access the bathroom in the middle of the night? If she’s getting up to eat could she be prompted to use the toilet at the same time?, I’d do the adult ones or a nighttime one- they aren’t diapers and they’re not for babies. You can tell her it’s just to keep the pee off her skin so it doesn’t get irritated until you guys figure it out, remove as much shame as possible- I am 44 and use incontinence pads., Don’t do the diaper. I think that will cause regression, it did with my son who is now 8. I find when I give my son melatonin and if he’s drinking water right before sleep it happens. It sucks but I set an alarm for the middle of the night like 12 or 1 am, I get up and walk him to the bathroom to pee and then guide him back to bed. It’s tiring but better than washing pee sheets each day, I was thinking more on the blood work side. If she craving fluids and snacks she could have an issue with her insulin levels. I would have them check her A1C and fasting sugar levels., An endocrinologist would run some of the right tests. Night peeing and thirst was the first sign my kiddo had high sugar levels. A urologist would usually be referred after another person ruled things out, I’d hope. So no bloodwork has been done? They just blew this totally novel thing off and claimed that it’s not physical -_- I am sorry OP that sucks😖, Same issue at 14. It’s gotten better. We go through dry bouts. Saw a doctor like you did and they told us they would grow out of it well into puberty. Our next step is a neurologist. I’m thinking small focal seizures when they are sleeping so they lose control of their bladder (seizures are common with autism).  We don’t make a big deal of it whatsoever since it’s nothing they can prevent. We just use Blankets and a bed pad over the sheets and mattress cover. I feel like asking a kid to wear diapers after a certain age is embarrassing and I don’t want them to feel shamed. I don’t mind washing a pad and a blanket frequently. Liquid intake had made no difference whatsoever. However we have found that if they just go to sleep on their own to the point of exhaustion such as falling asleep on the couch late at night and having them go before bed we have had the best results., That’s crazy to hear. If water is limited at school, and then she’s not getting water past seven in the evening, she’s probably trying to make up for being dehydrated., Not saying it’s the cause but constipation can absolutely be a trigger so if she not regularly going number 2, then try giving her fiber gummies. The regularity can significantly decrease the chances she’s losing control at night. This happened with a family member and who would say they didn’t even know it was happening until after. After taking fiber regularly, it stopped., Please update us! I hope you and her will be okay. I really pray it is a drawn out phase, My son takes the methylphenidate too and it restricts his appetite a ton. I’d be willing to bet when it’s worn off late at night she’s waking up to get in the missed calories of the day. The days he takes it he eats alot late, around 8/830pm followed up with a pediasure about 30min later. Can she have a protein shake about an hr before bed or something high calorie? 

My son takes 2mg of melatonin at night and doesn’t wake. Maybe they can suggest a diff sleep aid to help her stay asleep and not wake for food? I’d be curious if the trazadone puts her in such a deep sleep for a period that it could be contributing to the bladder issues maybe? 

That’s rough to deal with, I’m sorry., I don’t get how she’s able to get up and do this at night without the parents waking up and going to walk her back to bed? OP why aren’t you guys up? Like why locks and baby gates- and no cameras? How is an 8 year old up and awake for hours in the middle of the night, Thank you for the suggestion. I will definitely have them do this., Crazy on the schools part? For sure., ❤️, That’s a really good point, I didn’t even think about medication timing. We will definitely give her a high protein option and a high fat option., I hope you find some answers and it’s an easy fix. Hang in there., Yes, the daytime access is so important. Limiting past seven makes sense, I didn’t mean to imply that water before bed was a good idea. It’s definitely not. 

It makes sense that her body is trying to keep up with hydration needs that aren’t being met in the daytime. It’s surprising to me that the school doesn’t allow the kids free access to their water bottles. 

I hope the school agrees that that’s an easy IEP add on. My daughter’s school allows the kids to have water bottles and it’s never caused any problems., I think the methylphenidate has the shortest half life or else it’s adderral. I forget which 😂 but if it isn’t the concerta switching may help because the sooner it wears off the sooner she may be hungrier before bed. We had a lot of disruptive “but I’m hungry” as soon as we hit bed, Yeah they have scheduled “water breaks” and I only know that because I just had a text message conversation about it with her teacher about it. Arg, it’s so weird., It's not horrible to take a step back and put a diaper on her for the night, I would prefer that to another option (locking her door at night). 

If you ruled out any other (health) problems, why not a diaper?, Has any doctor run blood work on her to make sure she doesn’t have any physical issues related to being so thirsty?, For my boy, constipation was a trigger.  When he was having issues there, nighttime wetting increased.  It might be another potential issue/trigger to look in to.

Another strategy that helped was getting as much fluid in him at the start of the day, rather than the end. There was a bit of effort to flip when his body felt thirsty., My best friend who is on the spectrum had this same issue for years. She had to wear a diaper. It's not something she really could control, This isn't always behavioral. Nighttime wetting can just be part of the normal process of development, albeit somewhat delayed in some cases. The kidneys need to express enough vasopressin to suppress enuresis at nighttime. It just takes some kids longer to get to that point than others. It took my son until probably 9 years old to become reliable with no longer wetting the bed at night time. We dealt with it by using pullups at night.  We used  desmopressin when he attended an overnight camp. If she's drinking at night time, that's something I wouldn't recommend for regular use if the nighttime drinking cannot be avoided. If you've ruled out physiological causes, there's a good chance it is simply developmental and will self-correct in time., Enuresis is definitely in your psychiatrist’s domain. You can start conservatively by using a moisture alarm which will prompt your child to wake up if moisture is detected. Desmopressin can also be trialed (with periodic breaks) with the goal of weaning the child off of it in 6-12 months., Going through this now with my 8yr old. It’s only been a few months for us, but it really threw me for a loop because he’s been dry at night since he was 2…before he was even potty trained. 

I’d love to hear what you find out. We have visits set up with his pediatrician and a follow up with his neurologist (that’s who prescribes his sleep aid). 

I’ve gotten very tired of washing bedding, so I’ve put him in a nighttime pull up. He’s also been pretty resistant, so I have to explain to him every night that this helps keep the sheets and mattress dry. I also check on him a few times during the night to see that it’s still on and put another one on if he’s wiggled out of it., Whatever she is taking as a sleep aid (if it's not melatonin) may be part of the issue here - some folks don't wake up where their bladder is full due to the medication., My lil guy has no problem with wetting the bed UNLESS he eats corn which we avoid for several other food intolerance reasons but if he gets some every single time he will wet the bed for several nights in a row.  Is there any foods/drinks she's really fixated on?  You never know these kids are so sensitive it could be so many things!, Here's an article about possible reasons for nighttime wetting in children which includes some of the reasons people have offered here: [Urinary Incontinence in Children](https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/conditions-and-diseases/urinary-incontinence/urinary-incontinence-in-children)

(TW) A difficult question for you to think over: is there any possibility that your child is being physically or sexually abused? Sometimes nocturnal bedwetting is a sign that something negative is going on. I am not saying that she is, just something to keep in mind given the prevalence of physical and sexual abuse against autistic children.

> Autistic youth are three to four times more likely than non-autistic youth to experience sexual victimization, and between 40% and 50% of autistic adults report experiences of sexual abuse during childhood  [Sexual Victimization in Autistism](https://autism.org/sexual-victimization-in-autism/#:~:text=Autistic%20youth%20are%20three%20to,Weiss%20%26%20Fardella%2C%202018\).), My son took a while to night train but felt embarrassed wearing overnight diapers. Instead I committed to helping him “sleep train”. For the first 2 months I woke him up (basically carrying him to the bathroom as he was so out of it) twice a night, at midnight and 4 AM. Then moved to one 1:30 AM wake up. Did that for about a month and a half before I began to notice my son waking up more and more each night and then eventually he would be walking out of the bedroom as I was going in to wake him up. After a couple of weeks of that, I didn’t have to wake up anymore and he just woke up on his own., Is she on meds that are causing the midnight bingeing?, Is it Ambien? That causes me to get up in the middle of the night and do stuff I don't even remember, It’s probably the meds. And the fact you’re keeping water from her will make her want it more…, There are nighttime pull ups for older kids. They don’t look at all like diapers. Although she was night trained, bed wetting is not uncommon for all kids, NT and ND, until age 10., Yes, we took her to a urologist in February and he didn’t find anything wrong. I’ve been resistant to diapers because I know she will feel terrible about it, She saw a urologist in February, who said there was nothing wrong. I will call the pediatrician on Monday to circle back., That’s true. Her class doesn’t allow water bottles. I’ll get with the 504 team on this., Yeah, I just talked to her about it and she was pretty resistant 😕 I feel really bad about it. We have a psychiatrist appointment in a couple weeks and I’m going to definitely bring it up a little more firmly with some of the suggested remedies and tests here, Thank you. I’ll bring it up more firmly at our next appointment in April., My son needed wee- alert.  He was a buzzer attached to his underwear that went off when it got wet. It work in about 6 months.  Actually I needed one when I was a kid, too., She was taking hydroxyzine and is now taking trazodone. I’m going to talk to her psychiatrist in April about it and be a bit more firm., She is on methylphenidate for ADHD, fluoxetine for GAD, and trazodone for insomnia. I’m going to be more firm with the psychiatrist in April when we talk about meds, How about an incontinence sheet over her sheets so it can be easily changed & doesn’t add too much additional anxiety. I use them with my son, the shorter kind that just goes under their hip area.  The smell and the mess would really wear you down. It sounds like she can’t really help it. Can she easily access the bathroom in the middle of the night? If she’s getting up to eat could she be prompted to use the toilet at the same time?, I’d do the adult ones or a nighttime one- they aren’t diapers and they’re not for babies. You can tell her it’s just to keep the pee off her skin so it doesn’t get irritated until you guys figure it out, remove as much shame as possible- I am 44 and use incontinence pads., Don’t do the diaper. I think that will cause regression, it did with my son who is now 8. I find when I give my son melatonin and if he’s drinking water right before sleep it happens. It sucks but I set an alarm for the middle of the night like 12 or 1 am, I get up and walk him to the bathroom to pee and then guide him back to bed. It’s tiring but better than washing pee sheets each day, I was thinking more on the blood work side. If she craving fluids and snacks she could have an issue with her insulin levels. I would have them check her A1C and fasting sugar levels., An endocrinologist would run some of the right tests. Night peeing and thirst was the first sign my kiddo had high sugar levels. A urologist would usually be referred after another person ruled things out, I’d hope. So no bloodwork has been done? They just blew this totally novel thing off and claimed that it’s not physical -_- I am sorry OP that sucks😖, Same issue at 14. It’s gotten better. We go through dry bouts. Saw a doctor like you did and they told us they would grow out of it well into puberty. Our next step is a neurologist. I’m thinking small focal seizures when they are sleeping so they lose control of their bladder (seizures are common with autism).  We don’t make a big deal of it whatsoever since it’s nothing they can prevent. We just use Blankets and a bed pad over the sheets and mattress cover. I feel like asking a kid to wear diapers after a certain age is embarrassing and I don’t want them to feel shamed. I don’t mind washing a pad and a blanket frequently. Liquid intake had made no difference whatsoever. However we have found that if they just go to sleep on their own to the point of exhaustion such as falling asleep on the couch late at night and having them go before bed we have had the best results., That’s crazy to hear. If water is limited at school, and then she’s not getting water past seven in the evening, she’s probably trying to make up for being dehydrated., Not saying it’s the cause but constipation can absolutely be a trigger so if she not regularly going number 2, then try giving her fiber gummies. The regularity can significantly decrease the chances she’s losing control at night. This happened with a family member and who would say they didn’t even know it was happening until after. After taking fiber regularly, it stopped., Please update us! I hope you and her will be okay. I really pray it is a drawn out phase, My son takes the methylphenidate too and it restricts his appetite a ton. I’d be willing to bet when it’s worn off late at night she’s waking up to get in the missed calories of the day. The days he takes it he eats alot late, around 8/830pm followed up with a pediasure about 30min later. Can she have a protein shake about an hr before bed or something high calorie? 

My son takes 2mg of melatonin at night and doesn’t wake. Maybe they can suggest a diff sleep aid to help her stay asleep and not wake for food? I’d be curious if the trazadone puts her in such a deep sleep for a period that it could be contributing to the bladder issues maybe? 

That’s rough to deal with, I’m sorry., I don’t get how she’s able to get up and do this at night without the parents waking up and going to walk her back to bed? OP why aren’t you guys up? Like why locks and baby gates- and no cameras? How is an 8 year old up and awake for hours in the middle of the night, Thank you for the suggestion. I will definitely have them do this., Crazy on the schools part? For sure., ❤️, That’s a really good point, I didn’t even think about medication timing. We will definitely give her a high protein option and a high fat option., I hope you find some answers and it’s an easy fix. Hang in there., Yes, the daytime access is so important. Limiting past seven makes sense, I didn’t mean to imply that water before bed was a good idea. It’s definitely not. 

It makes sense that her body is trying to keep up with hydration needs that aren’t being met in the daytime. It’s surprising to me that the school doesn’t allow the kids free access to their water bottles. 

I hope the school agrees that that’s an easy IEP add on. My daughter’s school allows the kids to have water bottles and it’s never caused any problems., I think the methylphenidate has the shortest half life or else it’s adderral. I forget which 😂 but if it isn’t the concerta switching may help because the sooner it wears off the sooner she may be hungrier before bed. We had a lot of disruptive “but I’m hungry” as soon as we hit bed, Yeah they have scheduled “water breaks” and I only know that because I just had a text message conversation about it with her teacher about it. Arg, it’s so weird.",Support,Toileting Issues
"Hey guys,

Just looking for some advice. I am a FTM in Canada and I have a beautiful 9 month old baby girl. This will be a long post. I was hoping to get some advice if anyone else has had similar experiences with their ND or NT children. 

I remember the day exactly where I was like, ""hmmm"" with her development. She was about 4.5months old and I had her facing towards me on my lap and she was actively avoiding looking at me. I remember saying to her, ""why don't you want to look at me"".

Since then her eye contact has definitely improved and makes pretty good eye contact. I do breastfeed and she doesn't look into your eyes as they say breastfeeding babies do. She will occasionally look up at me, but won't maintain eye contact for a long time. Will play with my face occasionally. 

Some things she is doing: waving (not opening her hand though when doing it), clapping when asked to clap, saying ""car"" when asked to, she does babble mamama/dadada/bababa, eating pretty well (doesn't seem to have any sensory aversions currently), playing peek-a-boo, laughing, smiling, playing run and hide with my husband, recognizing familar people, giving kisses when asked (when she wants lol), will look at the ""baby"" in the mirror, does respond to her name (not all the time though), sleeps okay (1-3 wakeups at night for a feed), will cuddle (but not for long), kmows the word ""no"", will play with sand and grass (doesn't mind sitting on them), and will put her arms up when we say ""up up"" to be picked up. 

Some things she is also doing that make me go ""hmmm"": holds her pointer finger and thumb together often, does flap her hands (I know babies do do this), VERY active (doesn't want to sit still), does like a good fan/running water, makes grunting sounds, throws frustration tantrums (especially if you take away something she is holding), likes to hold anything in her hands (inanimate objects), loves to play with rocks, HATES the car seat, does do the backwards banana when she is not liking something, mouths everything/doesn't really play with toys as their intended use, and recently has not loved being in the carrier (she used to love it - now she'll backwards banana while in it). 

I definitely believe that I'm undiagnosed ND as well as my husband. 

I'm just wondering if anyone has had similar experiences to ours? When did you bring up concerns, or did you? At what age did you enter EI (I'm in Canada btw). 

I have researched this up the ying yang. I've definitely felt like I couldn't enjoy certain periods of her life because I was ""analyzing"". And yes, I've done some therapy for that. Also, if you are quite a type A/anxious person how did you just let your child be a child and not worry so much? 

- From an anxious momma","I have qualifications in childcare practice and was a nursery teacher and nothing in the post screams out as concerning. As long as she's meeting her developmental milestones and showing age and stage appropriate play and cognitive understanding, I wouldn't be concerned. If she does start to show some developmental delays such as speech regression, sensory issues, repetitive behaviours that if interrupted would make her emotionally distraught. Cognitive delays such as problem solving. Socially delay such as not looking for you, not respond to name, not interacting with others and lots of solitary play. Then I would bring it up with your medical professional. Obviously I'm not a doctor so if you have any concerns check with your Doctor., 🤣🤣 everything that you said you are worried about is typical for her age! And every milestone they say your baby should have by 12 months, I would push all the way to 18 months before really worrying. I will tell you what I noticed in my ASD toddler at 9 months (every kid is different). My boy had a noticeable tick. From the time he woke up to the time he went to bed, he was banging a toy or lightly tapping his hand on his thigh. Also, with objects he found interesting, he would rotate and examine it for hours if you let him. It's normal at this age for them to examine objects but not for hours... he was on time but slower to his physical milestones like walking, rolling, and sitting up. His tapping tick turned into constantly staring at his own hands around 18 months. He would also get caught in a range of repetitive motion once in a while that looked like seizure episodes that were very scary for me(which stopped thankfully). He would sit on the floor with his blocks or other toys and throw them behind him over his shoulder over and over and when there were no toys, he would turn his bum around and start again with the same toys he just threw behind him. But on top of all this, he was babbling and also doing normal play with his toys. My 2 a half year old still has stims and delayed speech (says about 4 words) but his receptive language has been coming along. Being late to understanding language was another sign. He also used to run around the dining table, looking out of the corner of his eye at the table a lot. I don't have this with mine, but I have heard other parents say that their baby had big fits for what seems like no reason, frequently. You baby is crying when you say no, so it's typical and shows she is understanding what is happening. I would call that very normal. Another thing I have heard from parents is that their baby was emotionless and catatonic during infancy. they barely cried and never developed any person to person connections, even with their mum., A lot of that sounds like my daughter when she was that age...she was diagnosed shortly after her 3rd birthday. 

Of course, that doesn't mean anything at all...you shouldn't jump to any conclusions based on someone else's experience. 

However, regardless of what the future brings, she is your daughter and is absolutely perfect and exactly who she is supposed to be! 

When it became obvious our daughter was on the spectrum, I old my wife to look at it like this: we just get to spend more time with our daughter and will be needed by her more than most parents, so I view that as a positive. 

Don't get me wrong though, there are definitely daily challenges!, I strongly relate to the anxiety!  I have a two-month-old, my son was diagnosed with ASD during my pregnancy meaning the risk for a younger sibling is thought to be much higher (we had no concerns about his development when I got pregnant) and I've also realized through this process that we definitely have some ASD traits in the family, so I don't think my son's ASD is the ""random mutation"" kind.  I also have diagnosed GAD/OCD from way before having kids.  

You can look at my post history where I've shared my aggressive mental health plan with other people (cause I don't want others to go through this!) but essentially, I reflected on how this is my/my kids' only life to live and decided to fight as hard as possible for my mental health, both so that I didn't hate every day and so I could be a more present and better mom for my kids.  It's a combo of things, medication, therapy, exercise, sleep hygiene, etc. but it does help.  Even if my daughter does have severe autism, I don't want to miss her babyhood.

Yes there actually are ""early intervention"" type things you can do for babies (for example, [this book](https://www.amazon.com/Activity-Babies-Toddlers-Risk-Communication/dp/146252091X)) however this is what I determined for myself through a therapy exercise...if stressing out about doing these specific baby ""therapy techniques"" is going to make me a more depressed and stressed mom, the impact of that depression is highly likely to be worse for my baby than any benefit she'd obtain, above and beyond regular ""engaged parent"" stuff.  So I have purposely limited myself to the activities suggested by age by the CDC and stuff in my two regular (non-ASD-related) baby advice books.

If you're the kind of person who would feel empowered and not stressed by ""taking action"" then by all means you can talk to your doctor, read books, etc. at any point in time you're concerned.  I think trusting your pediatrician is important.  I'm not sure how stuff works in Canada since I'm in the US.  Anyway, if you can't find my mental health posts feel free to message me; I don't want other people to go through this!, [deleted], How is your daughter now? This post sounds exactly like my 9 month old and I’m worried, I needed to hear that today, thank you., Thank you for your response and reaching out. It's so hard not to over analyze everything she does. It's really cathartic to hear other parent's stories and I really appreciate you sharing yours and your sons., That is an amazing way to look at things. And I would love to get there, regardless of what life brings. It's meant to be. 

I appreciate you being honest. Did your daughter lose any language/babbling at all during her first 3 years? And do you remember if there was a ""a-ha"" moment for you? Like did you recognize the signs or was it brought up by someone else?, Wow momma, that is so brave of you. Thank you for sharing your story with this community. 

I appreciate you sending that link to that book, but I think I will personally follow what you are doing. I think I need to limit my ""research"", and just do the activities that are suggested by the government as well. 

Thank you for replying and reaching out, Thank you for that! I need to breathe and enjoy her. And totally, I have read that as well. These next couple of months I just would love to enjoy her rather than focusing on things that are out of my control., No worries 😊, We noticed signs pretty soon, but once she started walking, the tiptoe walking and w-sitting were big signs. 

Then, at 18 months, we put her in gymnastics. The way she acted, compared to the other kids, and her lack of progression were what made us seek an official assessment. 

She has always been ahead of her neurotypical peers in terms of speech. But, she does struggle  with pronunciation of some letters - like L",Support,Early Signs
My baby boy has started turning over all his toys and inspecting the bottom…. Especially if it has wheels to spin. It’s made me extremely worried about autism….is this something your babies did?,"Yes, that was one of the first signs in my son when he was a baby. He also liked to stick his face really close to whatever was spinning, especially if it had flashing lights.  Nine months may be too early to tell but keep track of his milestones. My son was always behind on every milestone and he also started avoiding eye contact, though he would look at us in the eyes briefly. I also noticed he would put his hand up to the light and kind of look through it (almost like he was filtering his hand through the light)., My youngest always liked spinning the wheels on stuff and I’m pretty sure he’s not autistic., My boy would do this...he would get his eyeball close to the wheel as it was spinning. He would also follow the wheels if he was making the car drive. So, his face would be close to the floor as he was pushing the car. This is the ONLY way he ever played with cars when he was little., How are they doing now? He’s behind on several milestones too, How long would he do it for? Did he also play with toy cars the way they’re intended? It’s not the mere fact of spinning wheels on cars that makes it an autism sign; it’s how frequently they do it, how long they do it for, and whether that behaviour is coupled with other symptoms. Many NT kids spin the wheels on cars, or flap their hands sometimes, or walk on their toes. What differentiates it from autism is the behaviour’s frequency and intensity, He is diagnosed ASD lvl 3 with cognitive delay and non verbal. My son is 5 but is mentally 1. He is a real sweetie. Some days are harder than others. I have a lot of hope for the future. He just started using PECS a little so that is a huge step forward for us. 

My advice is keep track of anything you may be concerned about and let his doctor know. All of our stuff happened during Covid so my son didn’t get diagnosed until he was 3.5 yrs old even though we pretty much knew at 18 months. Don’t let this worry you right now. Your little guy may be interested in how the toy looks, is put together, where the darn wheels are attached, etc. You can always come back here to ask questions if you are concerned about anything else :), Yes, that was one of the first signs in my son when he was a baby. He also liked to stick his face really close to whatever was spinning, especially if it had flashing lights.  Nine months may be too early to tell but keep track of his milestones. My son was always behind on every milestone and he also started avoiding eye contact, though he would look at us in the eyes briefly. I also noticed he would put his hand up to the light and kind of look through it (almost like he was filtering his hand through the light)., My youngest always liked spinning the wheels on stuff and I’m pretty sure he’s not autistic., My boy would do this...he would get his eyeball close to the wheel as it was spinning. He would also follow the wheels if he was making the car drive. So, his face would be close to the floor as he was pushing the car. This is the ONLY way he ever played with cars when he was little., How are they doing now? He’s behind on several milestones too, How long would he do it for? Did he also play with toy cars the way they’re intended? It’s not the mere fact of spinning wheels on cars that makes it an autism sign; it’s how frequently they do it, how long they do it for, and whether that behaviour is coupled with other symptoms. Many NT kids spin the wheels on cars, or flap their hands sometimes, or walk on their toes. What differentiates it from autism is the behaviour’s frequency and intensity, He is diagnosed ASD lvl 3 with cognitive delay and non verbal. My son is 5 but is mentally 1. He is a real sweetie. Some days are harder than others. I have a lot of hope for the future. He just started using PECS a little so that is a huge step forward for us. 

My advice is keep track of anything you may be concerned about and let his doctor know. All of our stuff happened during Covid so my son didn’t get diagnosed until he was 3.5 yrs old even though we pretty much knew at 18 months. Don’t let this worry you right now. Your little guy may be interested in how the toy looks, is put together, where the darn wheels are attached, etc. You can always come back here to ask questions if you are concerned about anything else :), Yes, that was one of the first signs in my son when he was a baby. He also liked to stick his face really close to whatever was spinning, especially if it had flashing lights.  Nine months may be too early to tell but keep track of his milestones. My son was always behind on every milestone and he also started avoiding eye contact, though he would look at us in the eyes briefly. I also noticed he would put his hand up to the light and kind of look through it (almost like he was filtering his hand through the light)., My youngest always liked spinning the wheels on stuff and I’m pretty sure he’s not autistic., My boy would do this...he would get his eyeball close to the wheel as it was spinning. He would also follow the wheels if he was making the car drive. So, his face would be close to the floor as he was pushing the car. This is the ONLY way he ever played with cars when he was little., How are they doing now? He’s behind on several milestones too, How long would he do it for? Did he also play with toy cars the way they’re intended? It’s not the mere fact of spinning wheels on cars that makes it an autism sign; it’s how frequently they do it, how long they do it for, and whether that behaviour is coupled with other symptoms. Many NT kids spin the wheels on cars, or flap their hands sometimes, or walk on their toes. What differentiates it from autism is the behaviour’s frequency and intensity, He is diagnosed ASD lvl 3 with cognitive delay and non verbal. My son is 5 but is mentally 1. He is a real sweetie. Some days are harder than others. I have a lot of hope for the future. He just started using PECS a little so that is a huge step forward for us. 

My advice is keep track of anything you may be concerned about and let his doctor know. All of our stuff happened during Covid so my son didn’t get diagnosed until he was 3.5 yrs old even though we pretty much knew at 18 months. Don’t let this worry you right now. Your little guy may be interested in how the toy looks, is put together, where the darn wheels are attached, etc. You can always come back here to ask questions if you are concerned about anything else :), Yes, that was one of the first signs in my son when he was a baby. He also liked to stick his face really close to whatever was spinning, especially if it had flashing lights.  Nine months may be too early to tell but keep track of his milestones. My son was always behind on every milestone and he also started avoiding eye contact, though he would look at us in the eyes briefly. I also noticed he would put his hand up to the light and kind of look through it (almost like he was filtering his hand through the light)., My youngest always liked spinning the wheels on stuff and I’m pretty sure he’s not autistic., My boy would do this...he would get his eyeball close to the wheel as it was spinning. He would also follow the wheels if he was making the car drive. So, his face would be close to the floor as he was pushing the car. This is the ONLY way he ever played with cars when he was little., How are they doing now? He’s behind on several milestones too, How long would he do it for? Did he also play with toy cars the way they’re intended? It’s not the mere fact of spinning wheels on cars that makes it an autism sign; it’s how frequently they do it, how long they do it for, and whether that behaviour is coupled with other symptoms. Many NT kids spin the wheels on cars, or flap their hands sometimes, or walk on their toes. What differentiates it from autism is the behaviour’s frequency and intensity, He is diagnosed ASD lvl 3 with cognitive delay and non verbal. My son is 5 but is mentally 1. He is a real sweetie. Some days are harder than others. I have a lot of hope for the future. He just started using PECS a little so that is a huge step forward for us. 

My advice is keep track of anything you may be concerned about and let his doctor know. All of our stuff happened during Covid so my son didn’t get diagnosed until he was 3.5 yrs old even though we pretty much knew at 18 months. Don’t let this worry you right now. Your little guy may be interested in how the toy looks, is put together, where the darn wheels are attached, etc. You can always come back here to ask questions if you are concerned about anything else :), Yes, that was one of the first signs in my son when he was a baby. He also liked to stick his face really close to whatever was spinning, especially if it had flashing lights.  Nine months may be too early to tell but keep track of his milestones. My son was always behind on every milestone and he also started avoiding eye contact, though he would look at us in the eyes briefly. I also noticed he would put his hand up to the light and kind of look through it (almost like he was filtering his hand through the light)., My youngest always liked spinning the wheels on stuff and I’m pretty sure he’s not autistic., My boy would do this...he would get his eyeball close to the wheel as it was spinning. He would also follow the wheels if he was making the car drive. So, his face would be close to the floor as he was pushing the car. This is the ONLY way he ever played with cars when he was little., How are they doing now? He’s behind on several milestones too, How long would he do it for? Did he also play with toy cars the way they’re intended? It’s not the mere fact of spinning wheels on cars that makes it an autism sign; it’s how frequently they do it, how long they do it for, and whether that behaviour is coupled with other symptoms. Many NT kids spin the wheels on cars, or flap their hands sometimes, or walk on their toes. What differentiates it from autism is the behaviour’s frequency and intensity, He is diagnosed ASD lvl 3 with cognitive delay and non verbal. My son is 5 but is mentally 1. He is a real sweetie. Some days are harder than others. I have a lot of hope for the future. He just started using PECS a little so that is a huge step forward for us. 

My advice is keep track of anything you may be concerned about and let his doctor know. All of our stuff happened during Covid so my son didn’t get diagnosed until he was 3.5 yrs old even though we pretty much knew at 18 months. Don’t let this worry you right now. Your little guy may be interested in how the toy looks, is put together, where the darn wheels are attached, etc. You can always come back here to ask questions if you are concerned about anything else :), Yes, that was one of the first signs in my son when he was a baby. He also liked to stick his face really close to whatever was spinning, especially if it had flashing lights.  Nine months may be too early to tell but keep track of his milestones. My son was always behind on every milestone and he also started avoiding eye contact, though he would look at us in the eyes briefly. I also noticed he would put his hand up to the light and kind of look through it (almost like he was filtering his hand through the light)., My youngest always liked spinning the wheels on stuff and I’m pretty sure he’s not autistic., My boy would do this...he would get his eyeball close to the wheel as it was spinning. He would also follow the wheels if he was making the car drive. So, his face would be close to the floor as he was pushing the car. This is the ONLY way he ever played with cars when he was little., How are they doing now? He’s behind on several milestones too, How long would he do it for? Did he also play with toy cars the way they’re intended? It’s not the mere fact of spinning wheels on cars that makes it an autism sign; it’s how frequently they do it, how long they do it for, and whether that behaviour is coupled with other symptoms. Many NT kids spin the wheels on cars, or flap their hands sometimes, or walk on their toes. What differentiates it from autism is the behaviour’s frequency and intensity, He is diagnosed ASD lvl 3 with cognitive delay and non verbal. My son is 5 but is mentally 1. He is a real sweetie. Some days are harder than others. I have a lot of hope for the future. He just started using PECS a little so that is a huge step forward for us. 

My advice is keep track of anything you may be concerned about and let his doctor know. All of our stuff happened during Covid so my son didn’t get diagnosed until he was 3.5 yrs old even though we pretty much knew at 18 months. Don’t let this worry you right now. Your little guy may be interested in how the toy looks, is put together, where the darn wheels are attached, etc. You can always come back here to ask questions if you are concerned about anything else :), Yes, that was one of the first signs in my son when he was a baby. He also liked to stick his face really close to whatever was spinning, especially if it had flashing lights.  Nine months may be too early to tell but keep track of his milestones. My son was always behind on every milestone and he also started avoiding eye contact, though he would look at us in the eyes briefly. I also noticed he would put his hand up to the light and kind of look through it (almost like he was filtering his hand through the light)., My youngest always liked spinning the wheels on stuff and I’m pretty sure he’s not autistic., My boy would do this...he would get his eyeball close to the wheel as it was spinning. He would also follow the wheels if he was making the car drive. So, his face would be close to the floor as he was pushing the car. This is the ONLY way he ever played with cars when he was little., How are they doing now? He’s behind on several milestones too, How long would he do it for? Did he also play with toy cars the way they’re intended? It’s not the mere fact of spinning wheels on cars that makes it an autism sign; it’s how frequently they do it, how long they do it for, and whether that behaviour is coupled with other symptoms. Many NT kids spin the wheels on cars, or flap their hands sometimes, or walk on their toes. What differentiates it from autism is the behaviour’s frequency and intensity, He is diagnosed ASD lvl 3 with cognitive delay and non verbal. My son is 5 but is mentally 1. He is a real sweetie. Some days are harder than others. I have a lot of hope for the future. He just started using PECS a little so that is a huge step forward for us. 

My advice is keep track of anything you may be concerned about and let his doctor know. All of our stuff happened during Covid so my son didn’t get diagnosed until he was 3.5 yrs old even though we pretty much knew at 18 months. Don’t let this worry you right now. Your little guy may be interested in how the toy looks, is put together, where the darn wheels are attached, etc. You can always come back here to ask questions if you are concerned about anything else :), Yes, that was one of the first signs in my son when he was a baby. He also liked to stick his face really close to whatever was spinning, especially if it had flashing lights.  Nine months may be too early to tell but keep track of his milestones. My son was always behind on every milestone and he also started avoiding eye contact, though he would look at us in the eyes briefly. I also noticed he would put his hand up to the light and kind of look through it (almost like he was filtering his hand through the light)., My youngest always liked spinning the wheels on stuff and I’m pretty sure he’s not autistic., My boy would do this...he would get his eyeball close to the wheel as it was spinning. He would also follow the wheels if he was making the car drive. So, his face would be close to the floor as he was pushing the car. This is the ONLY way he ever played with cars when he was little., How are they doing now? He’s behind on several milestones too, How long would he do it for? Did he also play with toy cars the way they’re intended? It’s not the mere fact of spinning wheels on cars that makes it an autism sign; it’s how frequently they do it, how long they do it for, and whether that behaviour is coupled with other symptoms. Many NT kids spin the wheels on cars, or flap their hands sometimes, or walk on their toes. What differentiates it from autism is the behaviour’s frequency and intensity, He is diagnosed ASD lvl 3 with cognitive delay and non verbal. My son is 5 but is mentally 1. He is a real sweetie. Some days are harder than others. I have a lot of hope for the future. He just started using PECS a little so that is a huge step forward for us. 

My advice is keep track of anything you may be concerned about and let his doctor know. All of our stuff happened during Covid so my son didn’t get diagnosed until he was 3.5 yrs old even though we pretty much knew at 18 months. Don’t let this worry you right now. Your little guy may be interested in how the toy looks, is put together, where the darn wheels are attached, etc. You can always come back here to ask questions if you are concerned about anything else :), Yes, that was one of the first signs in my son when he was a baby. He also liked to stick his face really close to whatever was spinning, especially if it had flashing lights.  Nine months may be too early to tell but keep track of his milestones. My son was always behind on every milestone and he also started avoiding eye contact, though he would look at us in the eyes briefly. I also noticed he would put his hand up to the light and kind of look through it (almost like he was filtering his hand through the light)., My youngest always liked spinning the wheels on stuff and I’m pretty sure he’s not autistic., My boy would do this...he would get his eyeball close to the wheel as it was spinning. He would also follow the wheels if he was making the car drive. So, his face would be close to the floor as he was pushing the car. This is the ONLY way he ever played with cars when he was little., How are they doing now? He’s behind on several milestones too, How long would he do it for? Did he also play with toy cars the way they’re intended? It’s not the mere fact of spinning wheels on cars that makes it an autism sign; it’s how frequently they do it, how long they do it for, and whether that behaviour is coupled with other symptoms. Many NT kids spin the wheels on cars, or flap their hands sometimes, or walk on their toes. What differentiates it from autism is the behaviour’s frequency and intensity, He is diagnosed ASD lvl 3 with cognitive delay and non verbal. My son is 5 but is mentally 1. He is a real sweetie. Some days are harder than others. I have a lot of hope for the future. He just started using PECS a little so that is a huge step forward for us. 

My advice is keep track of anything you may be concerned about and let his doctor know. All of our stuff happened during Covid so my son didn’t get diagnosed until he was 3.5 yrs old even though we pretty much knew at 18 months. Don’t let this worry you right now. Your little guy may be interested in how the toy looks, is put together, where the darn wheels are attached, etc. You can always come back here to ask questions if you are concerned about anything else :)",Symptoms,Early Signs
"My 9 yr old has meltdowns at school and disrobes and pees on the wall and/or will throw his clothes in the urinal. He also has gotten very aggressive and pulled out hair of his teachers aid. Once he attacked another student during a meltdown. At my wits end on how to address his behavior, any suggestions helpful. Has anyone else experienced this behavior?

Yes he has been diagnosed with Autism. 
Yes he has an IEP
He has ABA with CI therapists

Also I am new to Reddit and not sure how to answer post. All I could figure out is to edit my post. 

Also he is my grandson, so I am not a young man that knows Reddit very well. ","Hello. 

Does your son have a diagnosis? 

Does your son have an iep?

Have they done a functional behavior assessment?

Is your son receiving any therapies outside of school?, Please message the mods with the answers, or we will consider this a troll post.",Support,Challenging Behavior
"It’s not an accident as accidents don’t happen every day. His parents have tried everything they can think of including giving the option of sitting on the toilet or wearing a diaper like a baby. He chose the diaper! Of course she didn’t allow him to do that.
 Now, every day when he gets off the school bus, he’s told to sit on the potty til he poops. What comes after that request ranges from compliance (extremely rare) to running away while everyone spends the next two hours searching the neighborhood for him and so much in between…and yelling, always yelling. He screams. They scream. Yelling. Yelling. Yelling!  She is a wonderful mother and I’m posting this for HELPFUL advice, not to try to make her look bad or have strangers criticize her.  There has to be someone else that has successfully made it through this and can tell us how to do it. 
Obviously, this cannot be the best way. She worries about him getting an anal prolapse from being on the toilet so much. He gets bored and starts doing other things, etc. And still, too often the end result is a shower and wash out his underwear.      
*Should have been a preface: he has ADHD and is on the autism spectrum. He is being properly treated for all of his medical issues, physical and mental.           
 
 We ask him why he does it and he just looks through us until we get tired of asking. He’s the one cleaning up the mess every time; that didn’t help. Praise for using the toilet goes in one ear and out the other. We’re out of ideas. 🤷‍♀️   We are very willing to be open minded to any help anyone can offer. 


*I also should have prefaced this by saying that I am in no way at all judging my friend nor her son’s father for the way they handle behavioral problems with their son. They are excellent parents and he’s lucky to have them both be so willing to drive themselves crazy to make sure he’s happy and healthy. I tell her all the time that I applaud her patience and efforts to remain calm and loving in all of her interactions with him. I’ve only been a regular physical presence in this family for about three weeks and I want to go at him like Homer does Bart at least every other day. I have to walk away He’s a master of pushing buttons.",Locking while mod team looks at this post.,Support,Potty Training
"Today, my kid (4 yo) was playing at a playground near our home and, when it was time to leave, he had a meltdown. While we were carrying him home, he was kicking and screaming, so a neighbor started to shout at us from his balcony that he would call the police. The guy came downstairs and was just taking for granted that we were hurting him, even touched my son and asked him what was going on (he’s non-verbal). Any similar experiences? Any advice?

Ps: I told the guy my kid has autism several times. I asked him if he was a doctor or specialist and said no. He did smell like alcohol and was racist towards me tho :)","I'm surprised that hasn't happened to me before, we've left placed just like that plenty of times.

A professional once told me to let him have the meltdown in one spot.  Ride the wave until he's done and ready to transition to going home.  It works but it feels way worse to spend 20 minutes on a street corner because he wants to go to Starbucks.

Now we take a wagon with us almost everywhere.  If we need to hustle him out of a place I can toss him in the wagon and even if he's screaming we look a bit more put together.  Plus it's easier on the back., This happens to me. Police because it thinks I'm drunk or drugs, because I'm violent or disrupt during meltdowns, or because think my parents or aides are kidnapping me. I have a card and form with police explaining autism and my parent and aide information., We've dealt with CPS several times. Anybody can call them on you and hide completely behind anonymity even when you directly ask the case worker. If you have autism support services these calls are typically and ultimately judged as baseless. 

As for what we call ""jagoffs"" who only look to escalate confrontations and not actually offer help, I'm a firm believe in karma and just go calmly (as I can) explain ""my son has autism and I need to take him someplace quiet and safe"" and get the hell out of dodge., We had the police called on us one time. We live in an apartment building and a neighbor in the hallway could hear my son having a meltdown in our home. All of our neighbors are aware that my son has autism but they still called the cops. The two officers that showed up were very kind and felt bad for bothering us. 

We’ve also had random people walk up to us in stores and restaurants telling us that our kid is a brat and we need to do better and take him out so he’s not bothering anyone. I used to tell them that he has autism and if they continued talking, I’d literally tell them to F off. I’ve grown since then and realized I’m not obligated to tell them he has autism or even acknowledge their existence. Now I just flat out ignore them. They eventually walk away. It can be frustrating dealing with others while you’re trying to deescalate your own situation, but just try to pay them no mind., (UK based). We had the police called on us as my daughter was screaming and kicking off for hours on a Saturday evening a few weeks ago. (She's 11 and already taller than my wife). It was classed as a  welfare visit to check she was ok as she had been screaming ""help, get off me"" etc, despite none of us actually being near her. I was glad of the visit, it has now helped us get some more help as it triggered a visit from social services., [deleted], This is my fear.  Someone with a hero complex thinks they are saving my special needs child.

The least disruptive plan is avoidance.  Kinda sucks, but we're used to this as special needs parents.  Now if you're fed up and don't want to just take it...then read on.

Unfortunately for them, my preparation skills are more than likely stronger than theirs.  Here's what you do....

Step 1...Make it verbally known you don't know the person's intention and they are approaching you in an intimidating way.   For example, ""Stop harassing my family!"". If they were a good neighbor they wouldn't be threatening to call the cops.  Battle lines have already been drawn.

Step 2...Take out your phone and beat them to call.  Even if you call at the same time, you report a stranger harassing you and since he touched your son, add in, ""I have no idea if he is trying to kidnap my child.  We need help now."". I guarantee you that law enforcement takes potential child abductions more seriously than domestic/neighborly disputes.

Step 3...Defend your your family and child.  I really hate cancel culture and this whole put everything on the Internet.  But this is one situation where it can workin your favor.  Have your partner start recording.  Document...document...document!

Step 4...File a police report so you now have a paper trail in case you wanted to file a restraining order.  

Step 5 (most important)...prepare your self mentally.  Raising a special needs child is taxing enough.  Having to deal with a-holes who have no idea what your going through just adds salt to the wound.  And remember this is not your fault.  You're doing the best you can.  Don't let these jerks discourage you from loving and caring for your child.

Good luck.  I hope it all works out., Oh wow… on one hand I’m glad the guy was concerned for your son but on the other I’m so sorry you had to go through that., Call the police yourself. See if you can make a report for harassment. Explain everything you said here to the police. You need to get this documented to protect yourself from any claims he may make later. You also need to start documentation so you can keep him away from your kid in the future and keep him from doing this again. It's not good for your son to have someone doing things like this., This is one of my biggest fears, especially for in the future as he grows up. My son has way more meltdowns when he is only with me instead of dad or both of us together, and usually when we need to leave or I'm trying to get him in his car seat.  Of course it always happens when it is freezing cold, raining, snowing, or I am on a time limit. The worst I have dealt with so far is other people trying to say things like, ""oh it is not nice to hit your mom! You should be nice to her!"" when he is on the verge of a meltdown, usually while standing in line.

I think other more experienced parents shared some great ideas that I am filing away for in the future., Our neighbors called CPS on us twice and we had to move to a different apartment for peace of mind. At the time, our son didn't have an autism diagnosis so it was harder to explain why he was screaming so much. No advice, just all my sympathy to you!, At this point between the way, the world is and the way sometimes law enforcement can be. I have a formal letter with my son’s diagnosis on it that I carry on me at all times. I don’t show this to the public, but it is in case someone calls the police on myself and my child. Or there is a not very good interaction with law-enforcement with my child. I can immediately show them his diagnosis., Honestly, it's inconvenient and embarrassing. BUT I view it as a very good thing that someone in your community cares enough about your child's well-being to jump to their defense. I've had to deal with DCFS at the doctor's office before (he hit his head really hard after slipping on tile while walking at 11 months old. An atypical injury for sure). They were standoffish, it was embarrassing. But I am still grateful that my son's well-being was put before everything else.

ETA: I just read the last part about alcohol and racism. Hopefully they truly had good intentions towards your child., My non verbal daughter used to like to go for a short walk in the evening when she was younger. She had a little scream once when it was time to go home, but nothing to loud or serious. 15 minutes after we put her in to bed, police came banging the door to arrest me for kidnapping her, all because a neighbour heard a little scream and saw me walking past with my child. Old bill refused to leave until I could prove she was my child. Despite photos of us all around the house., Gross, a alcoholic nosy neighbor. Just who I want around my kid. /s

I think you handled it as well as could be expected, but should this happen again, u/Just_Looking_428 had good steps to follow. I think the only thing worse than a horrible meltdown in public would be people thinking you are abusing your kid. You weren't hurting your child, you were taking them home so they could self regulate in their home, their safe space., Don't assume that because someone is concerned over a child's well-being that it has anything to do with race unless they specifically said something racial. (And before you jump on my case, my father was an immigrant too.) Yes, he could've been a drunk ass who misread the situation, but I hate the thought too of a child truly being abused and everyone being too afraid to say or do anything. That happens often enough. And threatening a person who is innocently inquiring is not helpful.

We handled any issue always carrying a script that the doctor scribbled my son's diagnosis., Taking for granted is the wrong phrase for this situation.

The one time someone tried to intervene, I told her I'd cut her head off if she didn't leave us alone, and she left, Restraining order that he can not approach you any more.Police might not always be on your side but law is most of the time., I am shocked my neighbor hasn't called on us. My daughter screams like we are cutting limbs off every night at bath time. However my neighbor works in the medical field and knows my daughter is autistic. 
I've had people make comments , threaten to etc. Thankfully I haven't dealt with it yet but I wouldn't stress it too bad. You have proof of diagnosis, I'm sure your child has a therapist that can vouch , it would be a very quick investigation., My husband and my daughter both have ADHD and autism so it can be impressive when both are having a meltdown... (Fortunately it didn't happen often). When I'm present I can take control of the situation. We got the equivalent of CPS called on us twice and the police once, while I was absent from the situation.

The file was closed each time because they saw that we already get all the help available., I’ve been so scared that this would happen to me. One time my 9yo daughter was about to take off into a parking lot because she was mad at me, so I grabbed her by the back of her shirt to pull her back into the building, and she lost it and began hitting and kicking me and pulled me down to the ground. I backed away as quickly as I could and let her ride it out on the floor. Everyone was staring and I was so scared the cops were about to be called because she was screaming bloody murder like I had hurt her., Wow, Thank you, you have expressed exactly how I feel about situations like that. You are really good parent and you’re son is lucky to have you., That’s pretty clever, didn’t think of that at all.

I always assumed the best way was to be direct and tell the neighbour about your child but it never occurred to me they would assume something different or worse. I think your way is definitely better because than they would know for sure.

If I could just ask as well, what are sensory toys?

I ask because my son is 2 1/2 and doesn’t play with toys but rather milk bottles or any kind of bottle & he likes to open & shut things like cabinets or drawers and does that on repeat for a little while sometimes. 

Maybe he’s missing these sensory toys that you mentioned? I’ve tried normal toys and he is completely non interested, and if I try and motivate him he throws it away immediately., Well, this lovely neighbor as you paint him managed to assume I was hitting my kid cos I’m an immigrant. Sure, I’ll thank him., This is fantastic advice and it is exactly what has worked for me thus far. I actually have a copy of my son’s diagnosis in my favorites folder in case the police are ever actually involved. I also have my sons theme park accessibility pass that has his photo and name on it so it can show that he is indeed who is on the diagnosis paperwork. It takes any kind of “well it’s your word against there’s and there’s no way to prove that this kid is how you say it is” bullshit that nosy assholes and the police could come up with at the time. 

I’m so sorry you had a stressful situation turn into something so much worse. You’re doing amazing. Don’t let people that are ignorant about ASD get under your skin. Hugs, Thank you, this is solid advice!, I’m sorry you had that experience and all hugs to you for being such a nice parent., That is too much. So sorry for your experience and hugs for you., There is a big difference between innocently inquiring and accusing someone is hitting his child, touching a child and telling a person you are foreigners so you must be hitting your child, after parent explained that his son is autistic and he has a meltdown. It’s not an innocent inquiring. If you have never been in this situation you are lucky., As the parent of an autistic child who has faced having  police called on me on two separate occasions over meltdowns my son was having, I feel like painting someone dragging law enforcement into this type of situation as a completely harmless and minor inconvenience that can always be easily cleared up/resolved is incredibly tone deaf to just how frequently minor meltdowns on the part of children with autism has escalated to said children being injured or even killed by the officer assigned to carry the welfare check. And doubly so when the child involved is ""of color"", and pretty much double that again if you're in the south like myself and my family.

Hell, the police department in my hometown is notoriously racist(had several prominent members of our local PD outed as literal Klan members a few years back) and unjustified shootings of black men and boys is a common place issue faced in the community, so having police called on me by some Karen because my son had a tantrum over a store we stopped at not having the specific type of candy he wanted and had to be coaxed back into the car while throwing himself on the ground in defiance(yes, this is the actual reason police were called on me over my son's meltdowns most recently) is something that poses a pretty significant risk to me and my son when it happens.

It's great that every interaction you've had with the police resulting from your son's disability could be resolved quickly and amicably when his disability was made known to the officer(s), but do take into account that that level of understanding and decency isn't afforded equally to everyone.

Both my experiences were basically hour+ long interrogations where I got accused of wrong doing the entire time despite being completely compliant/calm/friendly/forthcoming, providing all requested information, informing them of my son's autism and providing proof that he was in fact my child and not being ""kidnapped"" as it was claimed the caller stated to be their belief and reason for contacting law enforcement(in most recent situation). Which is obviously hella fun to deal with while your autistic child is in the middle of a full-blown meltdown complete with scratching, biting, hair pulling and kicking. /s, That was very kind of you to say, thank you! 💕, [deleted], [deleted], Doesn't matter that you're an immigrant... it's your messaging and delivery and if you catch your neighbor a good time and if your neighbor is receptive to your message and isn't an asshole, Could you have your doc write a note on paper with their practices letterhead on it, saying your kid has autism? My daughter has a genetic skin disorder and we've had the police called on us when she was younger. A note did the trick., Is that what OP said he said? ""You are foreigners so you must be hitting your child?"".

I have been in similar situations. My children are much older now. We handled it by not confronting and providing the police with the script., Thanks for letting me know, that was very kind of you., I mean, they did clearly state the the neighbor was being a racist and smelled of alcohol. If it was just a regular worried (and nosy) neighbor I’d 100% agree with you, but this person didn’t sound like that based on what OP stated., I think even making a comment about you are a foreigner is already enough to understand the thought. And if someone will touch my child after I explained he is autistic, I would call the police myself to be honest. if the person can offer professional help, they are doctor, or therapist, then they can give advices and recommendations. If not, they can ask or inquire as you say. But after they have heard “child is autistic” they have no right to touch them or continue any giving advices if they are not professional., I don't think the person touched their child and I'm pretty sure that the immigration status is irrelevant to the situation and is assumption and speculation if nothing was actually said.

Laying hands on OPs child would be a whole other situation and the person would be in the wrong. I have to go back and reread if that was the case here. If it was, I missed the edit.

The OP needs to understand that regardless, there will be people who see a panicked, screaming, or inconsolable child and say something either to you or to police and while it is aggravating and often *not* merited, it happens. Most people understand that a tantrum is just a tantrum, but anyone can report. I've been there, it happens. Don't confront. Don't bow up. Don't engage. If the police are called and they show up, show the paper., I thin OP made it clear by saying “even touched my son”. And I don’t think it’s ok to excuse approaching neighbor for smelling like he was taking some alcohol. And dismissing racist comments. If it was not so, I think OP would not mention it. 

I’m a foreigner myself, I was in the similar situations and people unfortunately often don’t know too much about autism, but they feel like they know the best and can give advices. So yes, I think I would just call the police myself in this situation., Let me be clear that in no way did I excuse the man for touching OPs child. I said that was illegal. 

The racism claim was made in the edit. OP made the claim.  Unless OP has spoken to the man in the past about being an immigrant or shown the man immigration papers, he would have no way of knowing whether OP is an immigrant or not. In the U.S. one cannot assume this. Without any racist words being said, all of this is nothing more than speculation and conjecture. 

Learn what steps to take to protect yourself and your child. Know that people, whether immigrant, adult child of immigrants, or non-immigrant deal with these kinds of situations. No one is immune to it. In hindsight, with the he said, she said, the cops should've definitely been called., I want to say about being an immigrant because I live in a country where people assume I am an immigrant only from hearing an accent that I naturally have. Although I speak a language very well and I am about to have a citizenship of this country. Most of the people are nice, understanding and respectful. Sometimes there are worse cases. 
It is good that in US people are educated about the law and immigration. I wish it would be the same everywhere. 
I also understand your point of view and it makes sense. I just try to explain my experience here and it is a bit different from yours., I understand what you are saying. I *wish* I could say that people in the U.S. were more informed about immigration. The U.S. is such a...how do I phrase?...such a salad of people. Lol. There are so many accents, appearances, faiths, etc.

 At any rate, our children share similar issues, we face similar hurdles for them, and hopefully we will all figure out a way to make life better for them with society's help and cooperation. I wish you and yours well in your pursuits in your new homeland.🌻",Support,Public Judgment
"So we have two sons, 7 and 2, both diagnosed with ASD lvl 3 according to dsm-v.
Both non verbal and lots of other challenges.. but both are really sweet kids... Or at least they were.
We are halfway through a 2 week school holiday, for the 7yr old. 2 yr old is home full time as he hasn't been able to deal with child care yet. 7yr goes to an Autistic specialist school.

Our boys love each other and run around and laugh and carry on, neither has much play skills and they generally just make a huge mess in the lounge room. We supervise them a lot but often they will be alone in the lounge room while I go make a bottle or run to the toilet etc.
Over the last few days anytime they are alone the 7yr old will go over and smash his little brother on the head with his tablet or a toy car or something.. we weren't sure what was happening at first, would just hear 2yr old start to cry and run in and try to figure out what happened.. he's been teething so thought it might be that at first... Then we cought the 7yr old in the act..

Soo right now we cannot allow the 2 of them to be alone together even for a moment.. my wife is pregnant and due to give birth any day now... Terrible time for this new behaviour to emerge.. I have no idea how to sustain always having on eyes on at least one of them every second of the day and still function in anyway...

In regards to possible motivations we have ruled out the 2yr old doing something that is upsetting or triggering it, not that it would be an excuse or anything, but he's just not doing anything at all.
The only hint I have is that my 2yr olds hair kind stands up funny in the middle and a could of times I have seen the 7yr old push it down with his hand and when he's hitting him it's always on the top of his head... So maybe he's trying to flatten his hair?

The other problem is that we still struggle with effective discipline, when we try to tell 7yr old not to do something it has the opposite effect, the sterner we are the more he tries to do it or he melts down first.. gets calm then does it again as soon as he thinks we are not looking..

So my questions:
- any ideas how I can hope to cope with this new requirement of not even being able to spare a split second.
- any ideas why?
- any discipline suggestions?

Just to reiterate, 7yr old has never been violent with others.. but I did forget to mention above that he is violent with himself, he will punch his own legs, sides and head and when he was younger he would bang his head on the floor or walls, never hurt himself enough that required anything more than a hug.","It could be a phase he is going through. Hopefully it will pass soon. My son went through a phase where he didn’t want to be in the same room as his sister. He became agitated if she was present. We had to give him space and time and eventually it got better., It could be a phase he is going through. Hopefully it will pass soon. My son went through a phase where he didn’t want to be in the same room as his sister. He became agitated if she was present. We had to give him space and time and eventually it got better., It could be a phase he is going through. Hopefully it will pass soon. My son went through a phase where he didn’t want to be in the same room as his sister. He became agitated if she was present. We had to give him space and time and eventually it got better., It could be a phase he is going through. Hopefully it will pass soon. My son went through a phase where he didn’t want to be in the same room as his sister. He became agitated if she was present. We had to give him space and time and eventually it got better.",Support,Challenging Behavior
"Hi all,

Is the AAC device usually covered by insurance? My daughter has some language and can string 3-4 word sentences at times but she was recommended an AAC device as part of her IEP. 

Also, follow up question-if your child has an AAC device and in a gen ed class how well does it help? What about reading? My daughter is able to read some sight words but I am worried having thr AAC device around more often would cause other complications. 

Thanks!","Ours definitely was not., My son's IEP team actually found us a much cheaper solution to the actual device. If you have an iPad or can purchase one you can then buy the app LAMP it's typically $300 but they run a 50% off sale a couple times a year. It was about a $500 investment over the 7,000 it would have cost for the actual device., Oh wow! She has an ipad now. Need to check out app, Psst. The ""actual device"" is an iPad anyhow. , Yeah it's a lot cheaper than the iPad they actually sell as a device and the only difference is you just buy the app., Ours definitely was not., My son's IEP team actually found us a much cheaper solution to the actual device. If you have an iPad or can purchase one you can then buy the app LAMP it's typically $300 but they run a 50% off sale a couple times a year. It was about a $500 investment over the 7,000 it would have cost for the actual device., Oh wow! She has an ipad now. Need to check out app, Psst. The ""actual device"" is an iPad anyhow. , Yeah it's a lot cheaper than the iPad they actually sell as a device and the only difference is you just buy the app., Ours definitely was not., My son's IEP team actually found us a much cheaper solution to the actual device. If you have an iPad or can purchase one you can then buy the app LAMP it's typically $300 but they run a 50% off sale a couple times a year. It was about a $500 investment over the 7,000 it would have cost for the actual device., Oh wow! She has an ipad now. Need to check out app, Psst. The ""actual device"" is an iPad anyhow. , Yeah it's a lot cheaper than the iPad they actually sell as a device and the only difference is you just buy the app., Ours definitely was not., My son's IEP team actually found us a much cheaper solution to the actual device. If you have an iPad or can purchase one you can then buy the app LAMP it's typically $300 but they run a 50% off sale a couple times a year. It was about a $500 investment over the 7,000 it would have cost for the actual device., Oh wow! She has an ipad now. Need to check out app, Psst. The ""actual device"" is an iPad anyhow. , Yeah it's a lot cheaper than the iPad they actually sell as a device and the only difference is you just buy the app.",Treatment,AAC Device
"My daughter is currently doing full time ABA, and OT and speech each 2x a week. She’s made huge gains in her functional communication, but her socialization has regressed since we took her out of daycare. I’m wondering if we should cut hours with ABA, and do part time pre k to help her socialize. Has anyone does this? How was the experience?","Does ABA have a clinic? Or you could ask them to overlap in the preschool. I’ve gone to daycares, preschools, elementary schools, camps, etc. and it’s nice to get those social skills in. It all depends on if the school will allow it, but a lot of preschools I’ve worked with have been super excited to have someone there., I’d 100% cut the ABA if they are only one on one sessions. Socializing especially with other kids on the spectrum is extremely important especially at this age. There are groups sometimes at children’s that are very small and covered by insurance most of the time. We’re in a book club at the moment and it’s been so helpful for my son’s socialization!, Are you an RBT?, No sorry I should’ve clarified, I was a BCBA for 8 years before switching to a different area of the autism world for work, as well as an auntie to two amazing autistic boys (5 and 3), Also I’m sorry if you were looking for parent responses, I didn’t mean to overstep. Being in daycares/preschools was always such a highlight for me because a lot kids really blossomed and figured out who they were, I wanted to share. Seeing them learn how to follow along with the group, play together, make friends, etc. was such a blast., No, this was helpful! My daughter is currently in clinic, but her ABA center does go to daycares, in home, and preschool. I’m going to talk to her BCBA about maybe transferring to having therapy at preschool. Thank you!, Does ABA have a clinic? Or you could ask them to overlap in the preschool. I’ve gone to daycares, preschools, elementary schools, camps, etc. and it’s nice to get those social skills in. It all depends on if the school will allow it, but a lot of preschools I’ve worked with have been super excited to have someone there., I’d 100% cut the ABA if they are only one on one sessions. Socializing especially with other kids on the spectrum is extremely important especially at this age. There are groups sometimes at children’s that are very small and covered by insurance most of the time. We’re in a book club at the moment and it’s been so helpful for my son’s socialization!, Are you an RBT?, No sorry I should’ve clarified, I was a BCBA for 8 years before switching to a different area of the autism world for work, as well as an auntie to two amazing autistic boys (5 and 3), Also I’m sorry if you were looking for parent responses, I didn’t mean to overstep. Being in daycares/preschools was always such a highlight for me because a lot kids really blossomed and figured out who they were, I wanted to share. Seeing them learn how to follow along with the group, play together, make friends, etc. was such a blast., No, this was helpful! My daughter is currently in clinic, but her ABA center does go to daycares, in home, and preschool. I’m going to talk to her BCBA about maybe transferring to having therapy at preschool. Thank you!, Does ABA have a clinic? Or you could ask them to overlap in the preschool. I’ve gone to daycares, preschools, elementary schools, camps, etc. and it’s nice to get those social skills in. It all depends on if the school will allow it, but a lot of preschools I’ve worked with have been super excited to have someone there., I’d 100% cut the ABA if they are only one on one sessions. Socializing especially with other kids on the spectrum is extremely important especially at this age. There are groups sometimes at children’s that are very small and covered by insurance most of the time. We’re in a book club at the moment and it’s been so helpful for my son’s socialization!, Are you an RBT?, No sorry I should’ve clarified, I was a BCBA for 8 years before switching to a different area of the autism world for work, as well as an auntie to two amazing autistic boys (5 and 3), Also I’m sorry if you were looking for parent responses, I didn’t mean to overstep. Being in daycares/preschools was always such a highlight for me because a lot kids really blossomed and figured out who they were, I wanted to share. Seeing them learn how to follow along with the group, play together, make friends, etc. was such a blast., No, this was helpful! My daughter is currently in clinic, but her ABA center does go to daycares, in home, and preschool. I’m going to talk to her BCBA about maybe transferring to having therapy at preschool. Thank you!, Does ABA have a clinic? Or you could ask them to overlap in the preschool. I’ve gone to daycares, preschools, elementary schools, camps, etc. and it’s nice to get those social skills in. It all depends on if the school will allow it, but a lot of preschools I’ve worked with have been super excited to have someone there., I’d 100% cut the ABA if they are only one on one sessions. Socializing especially with other kids on the spectrum is extremely important especially at this age. There are groups sometimes at children’s that are very small and covered by insurance most of the time. We’re in a book club at the moment and it’s been so helpful for my son’s socialization!, Are you an RBT?, No sorry I should’ve clarified, I was a BCBA for 8 years before switching to a different area of the autism world for work, as well as an auntie to two amazing autistic boys (5 and 3), Also I’m sorry if you were looking for parent responses, I didn’t mean to overstep. Being in daycares/preschools was always such a highlight for me because a lot kids really blossomed and figured out who they were, I wanted to share. Seeing them learn how to follow along with the group, play together, make friends, etc. was such a blast., No, this was helpful! My daughter is currently in clinic, but her ABA center does go to daycares, in home, and preschool. I’m going to talk to her BCBA about maybe transferring to having therapy at preschool. Thank you!",Treatment,Therapy Advice
"My 3 yo ASD kid started ABA recently.

The clinic strongly recommends him 40 hours a week (8 a day). Was doing 4 a day, about to start 6. One week later will start 8.

Im having a hard time wrapping my head around that. 40 hours a week? Thats a full time job! Hows he gonna handle that? Is he going to be upset and exhausted every day and sad?

Heck even i get tired and annoyed by the end of my 8 hour work day. Hows a 3 yo supposed to do that?

Hes never been in full time daycare. He was in preschool for 6 months. Just 3 hours a day.

Maybe im just inexperienced and over reacting.

Im worried theres no way they can get 8 productive hours out of him, every day. Or without leaving him upset or exhausted.

Advice? Thoughts?

I have a slightly hard time talking to the clinic about this. Its like they just have a sales-y blanket approach. Its like ""of COURSE 8 hours a day is best. It just is"". But they do have more experience than me obviously lol 🤷‍♀️

EDIT: The ABA clinic, staff, program seems great as far as i can tell. Everything i heard and saw made me believe it is NET floor time play based, child-led basically, reasonable people and reasonable approaches. Its just the 8 hours a day part that confuses me.

EDIT 2: My kid is level 2 non verbal, not even close to potty trained etc. Lots of room for gains/wins. He has already been in ST, OT, PT, DT (state early intervention) for over 1.5 years and recently preschool... with little to show for it 🙁 thats why we are trying ABA now","We did 30 hours a week for my son for 3 years and it was awesome—he loved it!! It was a full-time job for his THERAPISTS. It was not a full-time job for a 3 year old. As far as he knew they were playing trains and blowing bubbles. I was amazed at his progress—we had like 12-20 rotating goals at any given time, so they could incorporate one or two of them organically into what he already wanted to play. Stuff I never would have known to focus on individually. Prepositional phrases! Looking at where we’re pointing! Being able to pass a message to someone outside the room, holding a pencil… it was basically speech and OT but it was purely play for him. The therapists rotated so he knew them but no one got bored—two came per day for 3 hours each. He had four total that showed up in various order throughout the week. One was great at magnatiles, one could make anything out of play doh, they were all fun.

So this depends 100% on the quality of care and who is proving the therapy and what your goals are. But it was not like, drilling him academically all day. 

When he started he was 3 and he did not say any verbs, didn’t play with other kids, etc. He was basically caught up by kindergarten. He had an IEP for one year, graduated out of it. He takes speech and OT privately about twice a month.

So you should definitely do what you think is best, but I just wanted to chime in with a really good experience with intensive therapy. I still text those therapists little update photos. It was a real blessing for us to have them therapy him so we could PARENT him, if that makes sense., I recently toured an ABA clinic that also demanded 8 hours a day for my almost 3 year old. The director absolutely would not even consider anything less. She even hemmed and hawed about naps, saying it was an insurance issue so “maybe they could do 30 minutes.” My kid has also not been to school or daycare, ever. 

My husband and I decided to keep looking. To me, 8 hours a day is too much. We are going to either find something part-time or just focus on preschool next school year with additional private therapy. Even if the therapy is play based, I think that is too long of a day for him. Just my personal opinion, for my kid. Everyone’s kid and situation is different. But I would definitely be turned off by a program that will not adjust or work with you or your child whatsoever., I was also told this for my little guy, OP. At age 2. 

We decided against it. It’s essentially a full time job for a toddler. The stress impact on them would be exponential. I researched ABA strategies and did the ones that I thought would work for us at home, when he wasn’t in daycare. 

A year and a bit later, he’s starting to say some words, has calmed down a lot, and is a very happy boy. He still has many issues, is not toilet trained, doesn’t use language to communicate needs, etc. but his overall mental wellbeing has drastically improved. Most of what we did was exposure; to sounds, places, textures, etc. 

ABA works for some families, but 8 hours seems predatory. I’d get third and fourth opinions and delay it until he’s a bit older. IMO he’s far too young to be spending all day in a therapy room., My son is in 8 hrs a day 5 days a week and will be 3 in a month and is thriving and growing exponentially.  He's been in the program since the first of the year. He was totally nonverbal at 2.5 and is having a language explosion right now. Pointing at everything and naming everything he sees. It's been amazing for him, I just reduced my 3yo from 6.5hrs 5 days a week to 6.5hrs 3 days a week. He was far too exhausted and had frequent meltdowns at home and now he is doing *much* better., My kid is 3 and does 35 hours. It's like daycare except more stimulating. They incorporate his goals into his play and are constantly playing with him 1-on-1. It really depends on the center and how they approach the ABA but we're satisfied with our center. It's not work for him at all in fact he can't wait to ditch us at the door every day. He rotates who his fav therapist is at the time also LOL, I think that 8 hours is way too much. We're starting our son in a special needs preschool, but only 2.5 hours a day., My twins started at 2 and a half and they were going 30hrs a week at first and the clinic they were at for 2 years they just weren't progressing so I decided to put them into special education preschool program when that time came and do that half the day and tried a different clinic the other half of the day and they loved it and they progressed more in 2 months then they did in 2 years I was so blown away. it really does come down to the quality of care. The first clinic told me they couldn't accommodate less hours bc they believed they wouldn't progress b***h pls they progressed way more with less hours at another clinic. They are almost 7 now and go to school full time and have Paras with them the entire time they are progressing so much and they love it they also do so well when they visit their GE class it's so amazing how far they have come. Sorry for the long comment I just wanted to chime in with that., TRUST YOUR GUT. This would have been unthinkable ten years ago. They’re billing like mad and getting tons of cash for 40 hours a week. I wouldn’t go above two hours a day for my child even if they were a really tough case. The golden standard is 2 hours per day
IN-HOME and with parental participation- this gravy train of insurance reimbursements for insane hours and expectations of toddlers is going to be the nail in ABA’s coffin. 

Let me guess, if you don’t commit to that amount of hours, they’ll say they cannot provide services? 

I used to work in ABA, fyi, and I hate what the field has become. 

Are you even allowed to participate? How many clients does each BT have? Are there cameras? Naps? Are they a licensed ECE center? Parent training? How much training does their BT have? How long has their BCBA been at the clinic? How much outdoor play? How much time at the table doing drills? Would you want to be doing ABA for 8 hours a day as a 3 year old? 

I’d grill them like Korean BBQ before you start and be sure to watch for behavior changes that indicate they’re unhappy., It’s not really different than a toddler being in daycare for 8 hours a day. Just different activities and curriculum. He will still get play time, nap, lunch, etc., The reality is that a vast majority of ABA centers will demand 40 hours a week, and they do it because it obviously is the easiest way to account for a full time employee. Most centers have a minimum hour requirement and if they recommend 40 hours the least they will allow is 30, and some will say 20-25 only if your child is in school the rest of the day. I personally take issue with this extreme hour requirement, and it’s one of many reasons that my husband and I have opted not to go the ABA route. 

But also keep in mind that they can’t bill insurance for nap time, so many centers will practically make your child forego naps as much as possible. It’s another problematic issue with ABA.

Keep in mind that ABA is a huge money making business. You should stick to your instincts and only allow what you’re comfortable with., You know your kid best. 8 hours seems insane for a 3 year old., If your child has severe global deficits a dual program (in-home and center based) is not that bad. So he can have a morning block at home from 8am-12pm and another four hour block at the clinic, or viceversa. Plenty of time at home to master ADL such potty training, eating with utensils, teeth brushing, etc , then at the clinic work on social goals interacting with other children or more therapists , problem behaviors (if existing) etc. if your child is not seriously impacted 8 hours sounds overprescribed, I don’t think my daughter would be able to handle that.  She does 3 1/2 hours of daycare with some learning and then another 2 hours of an IPK ESE program.  She is worn out by the end of the day.  We also go to speech and OT two days a week before IPK and she has 30 minutes of language therapy during IPK one day a week.  She is so tired she’s ready for bed between 6 and 6:30 but she’s making so many improvements.  Try it out and see if it works for y’all., It’s like preschool. My kids do 40 hours a week and it’s literally no big deal. Not like they’re just doing work the whole time.  They play, get speech, OT, have breaks…it’s entirely reasonable., When we started aba we thought the hours were a but much but we built up to 6. 8 hours didnt work for us logistically. But our son never has had any issues and has thrived in aba., I shopped around until I found the ABA therapist willing to meet for the number of hours per week that I thought made sense for our family.

ABA therapy is a cash cow, since insurance companies are required under state law to cover it.  As a result, ABA therapists will insist on a certain number of hours.  I firmly believe that this primarily a business decision., Is it 40 hrs of aba? Or do they break it up with ot, st, classroom and play?, I was in a similar boat with my 3.5 yo daughter when we started ABA in October. They have a clinic that runs 9-3 pm, so they are there 6 hours a day. She was a Covid baby and had always been at home - never in any kind of daycare or anything. I was terrified that she wouldn’t be able to handle it, but we could tell she was bored at home and not getting the attention she needed while the adults were working. 
My daughter has absolutely blossomed and loves it there. She is in “school” where they do pre-k readiness activities in a small classroom in the morning, then lunch, then one on one play based therapy the rest of the day. It challenges her but she has a great time. Comes home happy and regulated and ready to snuggle on the couch for the evening., I think it really depends on the child. We were pressured into full time ABA therapy at first but we declined because we didn't feel like he needed full time therapy. He was also in an early childhood education class and that was going really well and we didn't want to take him out of that. I really like having the combination of school and therapy and by the time he starts kindergarten he will have 3 combined years of early childhood education and preschool. 

We found a company where we do about 12 hours of in home ABA therapy a week and have been happy with that. That was our comfort level with our child. He has problems with rigidity, routines, and transitions. I think if he had problems with putting himself in danger or harming anyone including himself then we may have elected to put him in more ABA. During the summer when he doesn't have school then we will probably have him do more than 12 hours but not that much more (maybe like 20)., I have read the notes from the techs that see my son for the day. They usually start with ""pair bonded over tickles"" or ""pair bonded over alphabet letters"" (my son loves letters) then they work on whatever goal like joint attention or following directions for a puzzle or cleaning up their toys. They are all reasonable about their expectations I have been told when he has managed to sit with the group for a while 15 minutes this time, he only needed a toy to hold. Or how he participated in group this time (something about putting a toy in the bracket during a song) and they are just as excited as me. 

It really is just 8 hours of playing while working/teaching them the skills they need. IIRC I heard that children with autism don't learn by mimicing like other children, they need to be taught. My son is now much better at following basic requests and holding hands for short times. I think he is making more eye contact/connecting with us more too.

I am doing speech and it but those are only for 30 min and 45 mins a week. He is getting lots of one-on-one attention at ABA where they can help him throughout the day when things pop up.

I still laugh when I think about the note that said that he threw himself on the ground (he was doing that for a while) after being asked to clean up his toys. He got up after 30 seconds and then put the toys up., So my daughter is level 2 not potty trained she is 3 and getting more verbal thankfully.  I was having the exact same dilemma a month ago.  She started 40 hour ABA on 3/5 so last week was her first full week.  She was in daycare 4 days a week for 6 hours a day previously.  She is exhausted when she gets home, I pick her up at 4 she’s in bed by 530.  I will say she can nap if she wants to but she’s so excited to be there that she just can’t sleep, I’m sure this will wear off.  She absolutely hands down loves going to school, that’s what we call it.  She used to cry at daycare drop off at least once a week, she doesn’t even look back when I take her to her new school.  The people there really love the kids and they don’t push them hard from what I can see.  It’s all play based and positive rewards.  

If I could’ve picked 7 hours a day I probably would’ve but it wasn’t an option.  My thought was let’s do this now so we are prepared for kindergarten and it’s less stressful for everyone.  I’m so relieved that she comes home happy, albeit exhausted. Everyone’s kiddo and experience is different but this has been mine.  Her daycare was not remotely equipped to handle her and it showed.  She was getting picked on already and now she’s just another kid at school, I used to cry after drop off because some of the kids comments were so horrible and it was addressed but kids say what they want, luckily my daughter didn’t give a hoot.  I’m so happy she found a place that she fits in and can be herself.  I hope this helps good luck, I would listen to your gut, if you think that's too much then it is. Just tell them no thank you. My kid did one to two hours a week in separate sessions that I attended and participated in fully with him, that worked really well for us as level 3 nonverbal, needing significant support. He's in 2nd grade gen ed now. More is just more sometimes, and does get billed as more, you have that pegged., No. Just no., I’m in the process of enrolling my son in ABA at the recommendation of his OT/ST providers. I’ve always been against ABA based on what I’ve heard from other parents and people who worked at ABA facilities. I called a ton of places in my area and they told me the same thing: long days, no naps and no outside therapy. My son had never been away from us. Like not even for a date night. So the long days would not work for us. But I did just find a place that was willing to start out small (like really small) and work up to more therapy hours AND let us keep our outside therapies. They would even let him come home for nap time! I still have to tour the facility and get the evaluation done, but the little bit of hope is nice, lol., Get him every ounce of therapies you can as early as you can., No. Too many hours., And a child potty training at 3-4 IS NOT LATE. Repeat after me, A FOUR YEAR OLD POTTY TRAINING AND BEING FULLY TRAINED IS NOT LATE, I really don't reccomend doing that much. Therapy is work. That is too much work for a little kid. The r/autism subreddit has a pinned post with autism therapies red flags and this is one of them, Aba centers are for profit, the bigger chain ones are worse and won’t be flexible with the hours. We hired a parent coach who is a bcba and worked at a few different aba therapy places and she shared that she left bcuz they were forcing her to over prescribe. She constantly battled them and would only prescribe what she thought the kiddos really needed which led to a lot of contention.  Just some food for thought, we have toured several aba places and they gave us the ick so we went another route.  Trust your instincts!, My daughter has been going to aba for 8 hours a day since she was a little over 2 she’s almost 4 now. She started off only going 3 hours a day per week and worked her way up to 40 hours per week. She’s nonverbal and she enjoys it and loves her RBTs that she has daily. Like most 3 year olds she does have her days but overall I feel it’s helped her tremendously with her communication and her ability to regulate better during tantrums. I was also concerned with her going for that many hours a week at first., No way!!  That's awful!  Like a full-time job for a toddler.  I would consider that abuse, honestly.  Those ABA clinics are making a shit ton of money off insurance companies.  They'll claim your child needs as much therapy as the insurance company is willing to pay.  They're trying to create obedient little robots.

I personally think daily ABA for even an hour might be too much.  He needs speech therapy, occupational therapy, maybe physical therapy.  He needs to play and explore.  He needs to go to library reading time or play time in the children's area.  He needs to play with water, and textures, and have opportunities to create.  He needs to spend time outside, at a playground, out in nature.

Is he in preschool, too?  He's a toddler.  Please let him be a child.

Edit to add links:

[https://autisticmama.com/even-new-aba-is-problematic/](https://autisticmama.com/even-new-aba-is-problematic/)

[https://autisticscienceperson.com/why-aba-therapy-is-harmful-to-autistic-people/](https://autisticscienceperson.com/why-aba-therapy-is-harmful-to-autistic-people/)

[https://fortune.com/2022/05/13/autistic-community-reckoning-aba-therapy-rights-autism-insurance-private-equity-ariana-cernius/](https://fortune.com/2022/05/13/autistic-community-reckoning-aba-therapy-rights-autism-insurance-private-equity-ariana-cernius/), Aba Tech here honestly in children like this it seems like unlimited acces for play time :) everything is child based and we usually just go with the flow, This is just one of the reasons why I hate ABA and can tell you it did nothing good for my son., It depends to me why they are suggesting it. If they have evaluated your child and felt like increasing his time would be helpful, I think it's okay to give it a try. We've toured and evaluated at one that was the first to recommend our daughter for 40 hours. Come to find out, they only ever recommended children for 40 hours, even school-aged children that were already acclimated into school. We politely declined. It sounds like after spending time with him, the team felt he could benefit from a full schedule., We were suggested 40 and did roughly 22 because that’s all we could configure to do but also had an hour and a half of ot/speech once a week. I thought it was perfect for us. And honestly he loved it so I’m sure he could have done more but we saw a ton of progress even with half the recommendation., As an RBT, I've only seen 1 case of a child being at ABA for 8 hours a day but that included 2 hour daily nap sessions since they were 3 years old. Even then, that was the parents pushing for the hours so they could go to work. They've since graduated to pre-K with no issues but my BCBAs don't push for hours that long without a nap, When we received our diagnosis (level 3, non-verbal) at just shy of two years old, the neurologist recommended 36 hours per week (as in she told me in person to my face, not just as a side note on some paperwork) and stressed how important it was to start early because of how plastic a young growing brain is. 
I had about the same reaction as you. It seemed like too much. We ended up with ABA at home that gradually increased to 36 hours over the course of a few months. It was fine. Most of the therapy was play interactions with frequent breaks from the goals for more play. 
At 3 she went to Pre-K in the morning with ABA at home in the afternoon. Eventually, she let us know without words that she was sick of ABA at home (almost like she wanted home as a safe space), and while the Pre-K was actually great, it was only 3 hours a day, 4 days a week with SO MANY days off for holidays and teacher training and  COVID breaks and whatever else. She was also sick SO often that it was like she was barely attending. The lack of routine made it very hard for her to transition back and forth. 
So at age 4 we started a clinic based full time program. 40 hours a week. None of the extended vacations. No months off during summer. I think she is doing great. She smiles when I drop her off and when I pick her up. I get photos and updates all day. I meet weekly by phone with her BCBA who keeps me up to date on her highs and lows. 
That being said, I don't have an identical kid to use as a control so I can't say for sure if progress is because of all the ABA or if it would have happened regardless. I can confidently say that she enjoys it most of the time, which I cannot say about her being at home all the time, no matter how many fun outings we go on. I just can't compare here (mostly because I am not willing to cover my entire house in shaving cream and paint and I don't have an assistant to help me set up foam parties and bubble busses and clean all the messes that result). 
I would say overall it has made everyone's life a bit better to have her there full time, despite some small hiccups here and there. I cannot say for sure that it would be right for your kiddo. Perhaps you can give it a shot and see? I am sure you will know if it's not ok pretty quickly. 
Also, I can say that the place we go to does have kids who nap and that it is NOT covered by insurance to have someone monitor them while they nap (which is required ). Those parents get billed separately for the nap hours., So I think you are looking at the time in the wrong way. Obviously every place will be a little different but the way my son’s therapy is set up is they live a day to day life. They read books, play outside and go to the park, go and walk around the grocery store(not to shop but to practice behavior in public places), sit together family style for breakfast lunch and snacks, sit and listen to music, and play with toys on top of lots of other things. To me it’s not different than dropping your kid off at daycare while working. Difference is in ABA your child has a one on one side kick for all the fun activities during the day! But with all that being said, if you don’t feel for 8 hours is right for your child you know better than them!! I toured several places and was kinda anti ABA but wanted to at least check it out to show I was doing my due diligence. Then I found where my son is at now. Changed my whole mind.

Edit : his place also sources out and brings a therapist in once a week for OT and once a week for speech, My kiddo does 6 hours a day, 5 days a week as well as preschool for 3 hours a day, 4 times a week. He loves it! Sometimes he does get tired but that usually just means he goes right to bed at bedtime instead of staying up to read/play. He has so much fun in ABA and is THRIVING., Hi! My 2.5 yr old was diagnosed in December and was doing ST/PT/OT 2x’s a week 30 min each through insurance and also ST/DT (1x’s a week/ 1 hr) through state early intervention since 15 months old as she had been diagnosed with global developmental delay around that time. She had been attending a play based daycare since April 2023 full time (8ish - 4:30ish).  She started ABA last month and we’ve already seen some changes. She does 30 hours a week as recommended by the clinic.  She seems to have a good time. We love to see the daily progress notes. We love that she is getting one on one attention. We are blessed that it’s covered by insurance as I am reading here it’s not covered by all insurances everywhere. 

If you think 8 hours is too much perhaps ask if you can do less. If they are not willing to consider less than look elsewhere.

Good luck !!, You don't owe an excuse to us for trying aba. Do what you think is best for your baby. Most clinics I see these days are no different then preschool really with circle time table time play time etc. I'm sure you're little one will love it and do great!, I work at a facility for young autistic kids and also have an autdhd son who is 7. Agreed with the people suggesting that 40 hours is like equivalent to a full time job. It’s easier to schedule therapies during the school day. The time spent in direct therapy work will be much smaller than the 8 hour work day. Take away half hour for lunch, 1 hour for recess, and 2 hours for nap, and you only have 4.5 hours of “instruction” each day. Take away 2 more hours of cumulative informal playtime and you have 2.5 hours of “instruction” each day. Take away an hour each day for ot/pt/slp therapy time and you get 1.5 hours of direct “instruction.” Put in two diaper changes and snack time into the schedule and you get 1 hour left of instructional time. Put in circle time, a craft, and an exploratory activity for that final hour, and your 8 hours are all spent. Your kid will be fine with that routine. You will be able to make adjustments if necessary, but 8 will benefit him in the long run, especially when you look at preschool and kindergarten readiness., I personally refuse to do such a high number of hours. Even if the child isn't doing ""academic"" work, they still have to be on. The equivalent hours of a full time job is just too much in my opinion for a toddler. Almost everywhere is just trying to max out what insurance will pay and it just feels icky. I want my kid to have time to be a kid and not be drained of this kind of thing before they even start kindergarten., The way I see it is that there is.no harm in trying. Give the 40 hours a whirl. If he's tired and overwhelmed and etc, pull out your mama bear and pull it back. 
They may be experts, but you're his parent. You're an expert in him. As parents, our biggest job is to advocate for our kiddos in this. I would definitely give it a try, but don't be afraid to assert yourself if you need to., My daughter is 3 and can’t handle 1 hour per day, imagine 8 lol she hates therapy, We do 15 hours a week and it’s a lot on me because I don’t have free time during the week anymore. ABA has been helpful though. Since you are the parent, maybe ask if your child can work up to 40hrs a week ?, Go with what your mama heart is telling you! Seems like a lot for a 3 year old., So I have experience with 3 different Aba clinics. The first one suggested 20 hours a week. It was amazing and my daughter thrived there. Unfortunately the lady who ran it moved out of state and the center shut down due to being unable to find a replacement. I toured another clinic that suggested 8 hours a day. I got really bad vibes from that clinic so I decided not to put her in there. I was distraught as that was my only other option, but thankfully a new one has opened up in my city by a woman who has a son with asd. And it reminds me so much of the last clinic she went to and loved. They also recommended 4 hours a day. So she does half a day of school and half a day at aba., Full time work for a toddler? Nope., Every autistic adult I know says ABA is abuse., Take the advice you get here with a grain of salt. Many people are anti-ABA out of the gate based on what ABA might have been 20 years ago or based on nothing, really. The ""ABA is abuse"" and other blanket statement crowd without much to back it up.


The most important thing is the individual clinic you deal with. Do their values align with yours? Does your kiddo like going, does he or she have fun? Do they like their therapists? Is your child achieving developmental goals they weren't before? Is your child learning new things?


Every day has the same number of hours whether your child is at home, in daycare, or doing ABA. If they benefit from and enjoy ABA, then that's the right thing for them to be doing. Daycare is really unstructured and typically doesn't have the resources or capacity to help your kid achieve their goals.


Wishing you and your family all the best, [deleted], The place I’m working with recommended 30 hours a week but since he’s in daycare, they’ll do doing it at the daycare. He’ll have individual activities with them but they’ll also be able to observe him in a group setting and work with him while he’s in the group. I’m so happy to see this comment amongst several negative because I’m actually  really looking forward to him getting started next week, Wow that sounds amazing thanks for sharing, This is similar to my experience as well! It’s been amazing but I will say it’s totally dependent on the place. My husband and I work full time so my daughter has to be in some kind of care all day anyway. When I found our place I knew I’d rather have her here with 1-1 care all day than anywhere else. They recommended 40 hours a week and that works for us, but there are plenty of kids there that do less / partial days so they are flexible.

 Our clinic goes above and beyond to create a child-led atmosphere that is more like a preschool for kids with autism than anything hardcore. Yes it’s aba, but there’s plenty of downtime and they rotate daily activities. They have a huge sensory gym (swings, slide, ball pit, etc), a quiet sensory room, arts and crafts room where they have free art and a craft they do everyday, sensory / water play, circle time, adaptive skills and personal care (potty training / teeth brushing etc). And they tailor every kids goals and plans individually. Parents are also encouraged to attend part of the day once a week to observe and learn while joining the session. They throw birthday parties and holiday parties. 

My daughter has learned to use her AAC device there, improved her receptive language skills, social skills, eye contact. The list goes on and on. Again this might sound more like a raving review for our specific clinic, but my advice would be know there’s all kinds of care out there and different aba styles so keep researching and find what fits for your family!  , Are all these free in the states? In my country, no way ABA is free. Insurance also doesn't cover any of these therapies, sadly.., Totally agree with what everyone else is saying about insurance but also I find it odd that the director was saying that and not a BCBA after an assessment of your individual child. 40 hours isn’t a blanket need., Thanks for sharing.

Yes there definitely is a clear ""8 hours of course!"" perspective at all the places i toured. But some also conveyed that theyll pay attention to the kid and adjust to whatever works.

Maybe they have a bunch of success stories based in 8? But yeah its a lot, Seems all ABA places jump to 8 as the plan

But u said he also was in daycare? Some kids are in daycare for 9 hours while parents work 🤔, Awesome glad he is doing well, Exactly this. It’s not like they drill them for 40 hours., My daughter will start soon and it's just like her daycare except more individual attention. Her daycare does table activities circle time etc. She actually enjoys table activities and the structure is good. She's done well in her school so I know she'll enjoy the center. We aren't starting with fulltime to ease the transition plus she loves her current teachers. I think she'll do really well but if she doesn't like it we'll just dump them lol, Interesting!! Lot to think about.

They have commented that ""oh if we stick with 6 then later want to go to 8, maybe insurance wont approve at that time"" which just seems like BS 🤔

2 hours as a gold standard 😯 is very different than what i heard at the 4 places we toured

Thing is, another variable, is they insisted it eill be vast majority play based ""NET"" or floor time. Not drills really. And thats what i saw so i believe that for sure.

And there are two per month 1 hour parent-BCBA one on one meetings to help parents learn/implement/discuss., Yeah what about nap time? These kids need a nap, 3 year olds sometimes (many times) do need a nap. And a 2 year old almost always!, If your child has autism level 1 I don’t think ABA is needed, I didn’t do ABA AT ALL. I went from non verbal to very functional in a matter of a few years as well, And I do think ABA is good for things like fecal smearing, hitting, biting, pinching, pushing etc. if it isn’t that I don’t think it’s really vital, I wouldn’t call them deficits I’d say challenges., That’s what we did, So theyre at an ABA clinic basically 40 hours a week? And the ABA clinic soes some speech OT too? Sounds similar to what my clinic plans.

Have you seen ABA help your kids?, Same, Thanks for sharing.

Csn you share more about how you got comfortable with the amount of hours? Or what changes you saw in your kid/how u knew if it was not too much time for him?, Well it is sn ABA clinic. So itd be completely with them. Some options for ST or OT during the week. But weve done ST and OT a lot over years and dont care to peioritize it anymore.

One thing they talked about is ""NET"" vs ""DTT"" and said it would be vast majority ""NET"" i.e. play based maybe another term for it., See I had Ot and ST. So doing Aba next to that would’ve been useless haha. I never had it (level 1) but used to be level 2. Doing fine, Not true. We Mimic other kids. I am autistic and my pattern recognition is impeccable., Not being potty trained at 3-4 can actually be very normal for even some neurotypical kids, studies have come out about this people, This. Speech and occupational therapies are where it’s at. They teach SO much and really cover most areas autistic kids need help with., Yes hes done preschool. And he has done OT, PT, ST, DT (early intervention in state) for over a year and a half. With little to nothing to show for it.

And its hard for me to take seriously the accusation that ABA is abuse. I toured many places. I saw kids with their ""technicians"". It was all gentle, all ""child led"". Made me wonder if it was different at all from preschool if anything. Not a hint of ""abuse""

More i read your comment the more pandering, condescending, out of touch i find it. My son has global delays. He needs help. You act like ive never taken him to a park or had him ""play with textures"" as if that would suddenly change things for him anyway 🙄 i have and continue to do that, While I don’t disagree with you on some points, I don’t fully agree with you either. Good ABA does incorporate many things you suggested, such as water play, discovering textures, sounds, movement, etc. So there is all of that when good ABA is implemented. I certainly agree that time for speech, OT, and other therapy needs to be included (and the OP may already be doing that) and that may mean that ABA hours need to be reduced. 

My best advice would be to start with what you are comfortable with as a parent. You can increase or decrease the hours as you see fit. You know your child best and if you feel that 8 hours a day is too much, then it probably is! You are in control and you get to have the decision making power, so don’t let anybody else tell you otherwise! Personally, my 3 year old still (ideally) naps on a daily basis, so his ABA is 4 hours in the morning and 2 in the afternoon. I understand that RBTs want to get as many hours as they can because they are trying to make a living of course, but what is best for your child in this period of life is what is most important. 

Also, to any parent out there, if you do have a RBT that is really amazing and making a difference in your child’s life, please make sure that you tell them!!! If you are able, maybe treat them with a coffee if gift card every once in a while, because the good ones really deserve it!!!! If you are not able, that is perfectly ok too, just be sure to acknowledge their hard work and how it has impacted your child and your family!, They need the nap, We have a meeting with them tomorrow and im really worried its gonna be a big conflict with them if we dont want to do 40 🙁, I believe that yes. From everything I’ve heard and watched on YouTube yes, Have you ever met a three year old who naps three times in one day?, Ours did morning 3 hours at daycare, afternoon session at home! It was a good mix since they could work on him playing with other kids, participating in songs, etc. at daycare., Definitely NOT free but it’s state by state as to whether or not it’s covered by your health insurance. In our state it has to be covered by your insurance up to 50 hrs a week i think. They made it a law the year my twins turned 18. We paid for as much private as we could afford which wasn’t enough, so we did the best we could. 20 years ago there was very little information out there and only Autism Speaks was online. My twins were lucky that their Godmother was a paraprofessional in a school district with enough money to have an Autism program., Ours was covered by a combo of insurance and Medicaid. With insurance we would have been responsible for one copay per day, so around $300-400 per month, but the place we used took Medicaid as secondary insurance, so it was free for us. Ironically the therapies he is in now, while covered by insurance, do not take Medicaid, so we’re out a lot more money ourselves until we hit our deductible., Oh we didn’t even make it far enough to get an assessment done. We took a tour first with the director and she made it very clear their company would not allow partial days. Definitely a shame, because we were otherwise very interested in the facility., If you're in the U.S., for insurance purposes, it's best to do the maximum amount of ABA therapy that you can do and scale back if necessary. If you only do 5-6 hours and see progress, so you want to add more hours, it then becomes a *huge* fight with insurance to get more. I speak from experience., Regardless of what they want to do, you know your child best, and you should be able to decide how much therapy is appropriate. I agree, 8 hours a day is like a full time job :(, Yes, 8 hours a day keeps them afloat financially. 

Daycare ≠ ABA. Daycare is fun, interactive with peers, and isn’t a strict schedule. ABA is solo, heavily supervised and meticulous therapy. Its work. Daycare is play. My son goes to daycare 6 hours a day, 5 days a week. That being said, he’s free to come home whenever he likes. But he’s always having fun so he usually just wants to stay and play. Daycare has actually helped a lot with schedule because he knows we get up, do our morning routine, go to daycare, play all day, come home, do dinner and nighttime routine. He really enjoys it.

We sometimes have to remind ourselves that yes, they have autism, but they’re also just kids. I just let my son be a kid. You’re only a kid for a few years, we have our whole lives to be serious adults., I'm a working mom so we had him in regular daycare until his diagnosis. No 1-on-1 attention, no meaningful stimulation etc. If he's going to be in a facility either way I'd choose ABA especially how it's run at our center. They don't drill them ever they incorporate the therapy into their play and the kids get individual attention. It's preferable to me than anything else., Well, once you realize the rate for RBT insurance reimbursement is about 80 dollars and hour (not including BCBA supervision) you’ll see they’re making about 166,000 per year per kid. And then they of course don’t reimburse the BT probably more than 25 (being generous here) unless they’re in a masters program. 

So yeah, that’s a pretty sweet set-up scummy ABA companies have going on for sure. It’s definitely in their best interest to bill, bill, bill and shoot for as many hours as possible, whether the kid needs them or not. 

Why drag it out for 8 hours? Why not do high-quality targeted DTT mixed with tons of fun and keep the interest and momentum there, for a couple hours, and then allow the child to actually you know have time to be a child. 

Your kid is making them wealthy so don’t be afraid to ask hard questions., I was nonverbal nearly until four years old and I don’t brag about it, I don’t even know if I had/have any neurodevelopmental dx , needless to say I never had any therapeutic intervention, A challenge doesn’t disable you, it challenges you. A deficit that prevents you to be autonomous does disable you. You can use whatever term you want but parents / legal guardians need appropriate terms to obtain federal and state disability benefits for their disabled children, Yes!  They do speech and OT there!  And it’s a playbased center. They clearly do work for like 2-4 minutes at a time and then play. They are so happy to go and their staff love them. We have noticed a huge help with ABA. I would honestly recommend it to anyone but make sure they find a place that is a good fit. 40 hours is honestly not as much as you think if you realize kids go to preschool for that long. My kids do circletime, peer play, lunch time, gross motor, art, fine motor, recess, etc.

Like…we are having playdates and being invited to birthday parties., Ok. For a preschooler play based aba sounds great. 8 hours is a bit much. I would ask if they could help train you to help them. So they incorporate you into there therapy. 

Then you will get insight into what is going on., By doing fine, I’m getting an associate degree in early childhood education. I drive, I have coworkers I talk to often, I have a job currently. I make decent money for a minimum wage job… I used to be a nanny and did well in that with select families. I am ordering my grad regalia tomorrow. I am working on my practicum project with “my kids”., I do not have a boyfriend or close friends I regularly hang with, Honestly I don’t know where the negativity about ABA comes from. Like you I have lost faith in speech therapy being helpful at all. My son has made tremendous progress through ABA and absolutely nothing from speech he’s had for close to 2 years. I don’t know about the need for 40 hours as my son only gets about 22 hours of ABA a week, but please don’t believe the negativity. If you find a good ABA clinic, it’s absolutely life changing., We should **listen to autistic people.**  They are better judges of what works and doesn't work, what is abusive and what is therapeutic.  The first article I linked was written by an autistic mother parenting an autistic child., Look, it’s all fun and games until you realize the techs are barely supervised, have hardly any experience and have several other clients simultaneously. Look at the r/ABA sub for some more information. I loved doing it as BT but after two hours with a kid I was done, and so were they. Asking them to do that 8 hours a day is crazy. Is it even the same person for 40 hours a week?, My daughter (5.5) made very little progress in speech and OT alone. She attends her ABA center 40 hours a week (with in-house OT and speech) and has made way more progress than before. She still has a long way to go, but she's a lot closer than she would have been without ABA. Our center allows naps as needed and outside medical appointments (like for PT, dentist, pediatrician, etc). There was a point where she was shutting down, so they increased the fun factor, and that fixed the issue. They're also great about letting her stim as long as it's not affecting her learning time at the table., The premise seems to be to train kids to act neurotypical the same way you would train a dog., Wow YouTube!? Such a scholar!, Yea, that’s what I’m really happy about. I work from home but it requires my workspace to be quiet, and while I would love to have him home, we’ve tried it and it just does not work. So he will be doing the individual also at daycare but I will be on zoom(which I can absolutely make work) for part of the day, every day I would like. I have to be on at least one time a week to discuss things I should implement at home and such. I’m just so happy I found somewhere that was totally willing to work with my schedule to keep me included while not having to miss a ton of work. Sometimes I wish there was a manual they gave us when we got the diagnosis. But unfortunately it doesn’t work that way😫 we’re left really just figuring it out on our own. But thank you for the uplifting comments, sometimes this sub can make me nervous for the future but there’s always little nuggets of hope mixed in. Thank you again 🫶, Oh really? 😯, Not all kids can do daycare., Exactly. My kids have been so catered to and accommodated and loved there. It’s been nothing but positive., we are a money racket that’s it huh, Dude. Bye, All cause we are a minority you’re doing this huh, We will have two 1-hour meetings a month one on one with the BCBA. The goal of to help the parents implement/support whats working at the clinic., All of the negativity of ABA comes from an echo chamber of people who have never done it and have never raised a child who needs it. Unfortunately, it can be taken as fact by a lot., It comes from autistic people.  We should be listening to them!  **Listen to adults who have autism!**

I am a certified special ed. teacher, trained in ABA techniques.   I wouldn't use it with my students and I would not allow it for my own autistic child., Aren’t most of us autistic adults or partners of autistic adults parenting autistic children?, It would certainly not be the same 1-on-1 person for all 40 hours. I think maybe split across 3 or possibly 4 people, not sure, Correct. Horrible, Just cause we are a minority doesn’t mean we should have to act like you. In fact autistic communication is so much better than Neurotypical communication cause it’s DIRECT, We also know other kids who went to those programs, I don't mean to scare you, but yes. It's why so many ABA therapy centers will recommend 40 hours to start. It's easier to get the most amount of time possible and then scale back as opposed to doing too little and realizing you need more. Forms need to be refilled, requests need to be made, and a lot of back and forth.

The center we eventually settled on for our child straight-up told us all of that. We balked at 40 hours to start, but they assured us that they would track his progress and reassess after two weeks. If he couldn't handle it, we'd scale back. Despite our trepidation, our son took to it well, and we were seeing results almost immediately.

But you know your kid best. I'm sure that whatever conclusion you come to, it's for their best., Once again stating what I did in my first reply: ABA works for some families., I can tell you from experience, those meetings are not enough. I do not learn much in those one hour meetings. It is a fine line. You do not want alienate the provider, but if you are able to do so, get more interaction. Just let them know, you are willing to meet more, participate once week (if able)., Or those who did it 30 years ago and got traumatized by it. I can’t imagine what it was like back then and I feel for them, but I’m not sure why they are hell bent on believing that it’s the same today., The negativity comes from people who have been negatively impacted by ABA -- autistic adults.  We should start listening to them!, I was a child many may have said needed it!!!! I wouldn’t do it with my kids., How old are these autistic people you speak of? I’m not convinced that the children today will have the same opinion, but we will have to wait 15 to 20 years to ask them. You can’t expect people to deny the evidence of their own eyes and experience regardless of what others feel about it. I can only speak to what it’s done for my child. And it was recommended and prescribed by both his pediatrician and developmental psychologist. I never even knew or heard of ABA before they mentioned it to me. And I’m so grateful that they did. I think it’s a disservice to children not to even consider it in this day and age. But, that’s just my opinion., My son is almost 5, speech delayed and has some behavioral issues, will throw stuff sometimes when he doesn’t get his way. He hasn’t had a diagnosis, but I believe he is autistic based on everything I’m seeing. What would you recommend? I haven’t put him in any services, really just trying to figure out where I should go from here., I’d also look on their indeed and glass door reviews. See what it’s like working there., I agree., Yeah exactly. It’s perfectly valid for them to say “hey, this was awful for me thirty years ago” but similarly to how my dad’s private school teacher gave him spankings. It’s not happening like that anymore. It sucked and that’s fine for you to speak about it but you can’t assume it’s the same., Yes, we do listen to them. 20 years ago, ABA was abusive. But it is a completely different practice nowadays much like many things including public school, private school and parenting practices.  Even the medicinal world.  It’s silly to assume anything is the same as it always was., That’s fine. Your personal choice is fine. I’m not judging you for it. But I don’t like when others judge me for my family’s choices.  I’m not harming my children and giving them tools they need to be successful and also functional., I was not even successful long term with speech and OT. How would ABA have done better? I have no friends now who are neurotypical and what feels like no life. All I have is my mother. What am I doing when she dies, I did social skills training by the way too, I don’t think any amount of therapy would make society not hate autistic people., That’s a them problem, I don’t agree, I don’t know. Give her tools she needs to be successful?, My kids are literally going to change the world in my eyes. 🤷🏻‍♀️, That’s your opinion but you also don’t see our life or what they do at ABA so you’re basing this entirely on your feelings., lol im pertaining to myself haha, My mom??, Good for you and them, Sorry, I thought you were talking about child. You have commented so many times, it’s hard to keep track of what you’re talking about., See where I state “I HAVE NOT been successful”, not really, You have spammed me with comments, it’s honestly hard to keep track and reply accordingly. I don’t even know what your argument is. You’re yelling me you didn’t get ABA but also aren’t successful and could have used it but wouldn’t put your child in it., My argument is “if you don’t have reassurance for me in any of these areas then I can have my vote on aba”, I don’t know you so I can’t say how you would have done., We did 30 hours a week for my son for 3 years and it was awesome—he loved it!! It was a full-time job for his THERAPISTS. It was not a full-time job for a 3 year old. As far as he knew they were playing trains and blowing bubbles. I was amazed at his progress—we had like 12-20 rotating goals at any given time, so they could incorporate one or two of them organically into what he already wanted to play. Stuff I never would have known to focus on individually. Prepositional phrases! Looking at where we’re pointing! Being able to pass a message to someone outside the room, holding a pencil… it was basically speech and OT but it was purely play for him. The therapists rotated so he knew them but no one got bored—two came per day for 3 hours each. He had four total that showed up in various order throughout the week. One was great at magnatiles, one could make anything out of play doh, they were all fun.

So this depends 100% on the quality of care and who is proving the therapy and what your goals are. But it was not like, drilling him academically all day. 

When he started he was 3 and he did not say any verbs, didn’t play with other kids, etc. He was basically caught up by kindergarten. He had an IEP for one year, graduated out of it. He takes speech and OT privately about twice a month.

So you should definitely do what you think is best, but I just wanted to chime in with a really good experience with intensive therapy. I still text those therapists little update photos. It was a real blessing for us to have them therapy him so we could PARENT him, if that makes sense., I recently toured an ABA clinic that also demanded 8 hours a day for my almost 3 year old. The director absolutely would not even consider anything less. She even hemmed and hawed about naps, saying it was an insurance issue so “maybe they could do 30 minutes.” My kid has also not been to school or daycare, ever. 

My husband and I decided to keep looking. To me, 8 hours a day is too much. We are going to either find something part-time or just focus on preschool next school year with additional private therapy. Even if the therapy is play based, I think that is too long of a day for him. Just my personal opinion, for my kid. Everyone’s kid and situation is different. But I would definitely be turned off by a program that will not adjust or work with you or your child whatsoever., I was also told this for my little guy, OP. At age 2. 

We decided against it. It’s essentially a full time job for a toddler. The stress impact on them would be exponential. I researched ABA strategies and did the ones that I thought would work for us at home, when he wasn’t in daycare. 

A year and a bit later, he’s starting to say some words, has calmed down a lot, and is a very happy boy. He still has many issues, is not toilet trained, doesn’t use language to communicate needs, etc. but his overall mental wellbeing has drastically improved. Most of what we did was exposure; to sounds, places, textures, etc. 

ABA works for some families, but 8 hours seems predatory. I’d get third and fourth opinions and delay it until he’s a bit older. IMO he’s far too young to be spending all day in a therapy room., My son is in 8 hrs a day 5 days a week and will be 3 in a month and is thriving and growing exponentially.  He's been in the program since the first of the year. He was totally nonverbal at 2.5 and is having a language explosion right now. Pointing at everything and naming everything he sees. It's been amazing for him, I just reduced my 3yo from 6.5hrs 5 days a week to 6.5hrs 3 days a week. He was far too exhausted and had frequent meltdowns at home and now he is doing *much* better., My kid is 3 and does 35 hours. It's like daycare except more stimulating. They incorporate his goals into his play and are constantly playing with him 1-on-1. It really depends on the center and how they approach the ABA but we're satisfied with our center. It's not work for him at all in fact he can't wait to ditch us at the door every day. He rotates who his fav therapist is at the time also LOL, I think that 8 hours is way too much. We're starting our son in a special needs preschool, but only 2.5 hours a day., My twins started at 2 and a half and they were going 30hrs a week at first and the clinic they were at for 2 years they just weren't progressing so I decided to put them into special education preschool program when that time came and do that half the day and tried a different clinic the other half of the day and they loved it and they progressed more in 2 months then they did in 2 years I was so blown away. it really does come down to the quality of care. The first clinic told me they couldn't accommodate less hours bc they believed they wouldn't progress b***h pls they progressed way more with less hours at another clinic. They are almost 7 now and go to school full time and have Paras with them the entire time they are progressing so much and they love it they also do so well when they visit their GE class it's so amazing how far they have come. Sorry for the long comment I just wanted to chime in with that., TRUST YOUR GUT. This would have been unthinkable ten years ago. They’re billing like mad and getting tons of cash for 40 hours a week. I wouldn’t go above two hours a day for my child even if they were a really tough case. The golden standard is 2 hours per day
IN-HOME and with parental participation- this gravy train of insurance reimbursements for insane hours and expectations of toddlers is going to be the nail in ABA’s coffin. 

Let me guess, if you don’t commit to that amount of hours, they’ll say they cannot provide services? 

I used to work in ABA, fyi, and I hate what the field has become. 

Are you even allowed to participate? How many clients does each BT have? Are there cameras? Naps? Are they a licensed ECE center? Parent training? How much training does their BT have? How long has their BCBA been at the clinic? How much outdoor play? How much time at the table doing drills? Would you want to be doing ABA for 8 hours a day as a 3 year old? 

I’d grill them like Korean BBQ before you start and be sure to watch for behavior changes that indicate they’re unhappy., It’s not really different than a toddler being in daycare for 8 hours a day. Just different activities and curriculum. He will still get play time, nap, lunch, etc., The reality is that a vast majority of ABA centers will demand 40 hours a week, and they do it because it obviously is the easiest way to account for a full time employee. Most centers have a minimum hour requirement and if they recommend 40 hours the least they will allow is 30, and some will say 20-25 only if your child is in school the rest of the day. I personally take issue with this extreme hour requirement, and it’s one of many reasons that my husband and I have opted not to go the ABA route. 

But also keep in mind that they can’t bill insurance for nap time, so many centers will practically make your child forego naps as much as possible. It’s another problematic issue with ABA.

Keep in mind that ABA is a huge money making business. You should stick to your instincts and only allow what you’re comfortable with., You know your kid best. 8 hours seems insane for a 3 year old., If your child has severe global deficits a dual program (in-home and center based) is not that bad. So he can have a morning block at home from 8am-12pm and another four hour block at the clinic, or viceversa. Plenty of time at home to master ADL such potty training, eating with utensils, teeth brushing, etc , then at the clinic work on social goals interacting with other children or more therapists , problem behaviors (if existing) etc. if your child is not seriously impacted 8 hours sounds overprescribed, I don’t think my daughter would be able to handle that.  She does 3 1/2 hours of daycare with some learning and then another 2 hours of an IPK ESE program.  She is worn out by the end of the day.  We also go to speech and OT two days a week before IPK and she has 30 minutes of language therapy during IPK one day a week.  She is so tired she’s ready for bed between 6 and 6:30 but she’s making so many improvements.  Try it out and see if it works for y’all., It’s like preschool. My kids do 40 hours a week and it’s literally no big deal. Not like they’re just doing work the whole time.  They play, get speech, OT, have breaks…it’s entirely reasonable., When we started aba we thought the hours were a but much but we built up to 6. 8 hours didnt work for us logistically. But our son never has had any issues and has thrived in aba., I shopped around until I found the ABA therapist willing to meet for the number of hours per week that I thought made sense for our family.

ABA therapy is a cash cow, since insurance companies are required under state law to cover it.  As a result, ABA therapists will insist on a certain number of hours.  I firmly believe that this primarily a business decision., Is it 40 hrs of aba? Or do they break it up with ot, st, classroom and play?, I was in a similar boat with my 3.5 yo daughter when we started ABA in October. They have a clinic that runs 9-3 pm, so they are there 6 hours a day. She was a Covid baby and had always been at home - never in any kind of daycare or anything. I was terrified that she wouldn’t be able to handle it, but we could tell she was bored at home and not getting the attention she needed while the adults were working. 
My daughter has absolutely blossomed and loves it there. She is in “school” where they do pre-k readiness activities in a small classroom in the morning, then lunch, then one on one play based therapy the rest of the day. It challenges her but she has a great time. Comes home happy and regulated and ready to snuggle on the couch for the evening., I think it really depends on the child. We were pressured into full time ABA therapy at first but we declined because we didn't feel like he needed full time therapy. He was also in an early childhood education class and that was going really well and we didn't want to take him out of that. I really like having the combination of school and therapy and by the time he starts kindergarten he will have 3 combined years of early childhood education and preschool. 

We found a company where we do about 12 hours of in home ABA therapy a week and have been happy with that. That was our comfort level with our child. He has problems with rigidity, routines, and transitions. I think if he had problems with putting himself in danger or harming anyone including himself then we may have elected to put him in more ABA. During the summer when he doesn't have school then we will probably have him do more than 12 hours but not that much more (maybe like 20)., I have read the notes from the techs that see my son for the day. They usually start with ""pair bonded over tickles"" or ""pair bonded over alphabet letters"" (my son loves letters) then they work on whatever goal like joint attention or following directions for a puzzle or cleaning up their toys. They are all reasonable about their expectations I have been told when he has managed to sit with the group for a while 15 minutes this time, he only needed a toy to hold. Or how he participated in group this time (something about putting a toy in the bracket during a song) and they are just as excited as me. 

It really is just 8 hours of playing while working/teaching them the skills they need. IIRC I heard that children with autism don't learn by mimicing like other children, they need to be taught. My son is now much better at following basic requests and holding hands for short times. I think he is making more eye contact/connecting with us more too.

I am doing speech and it but those are only for 30 min and 45 mins a week. He is getting lots of one-on-one attention at ABA where they can help him throughout the day when things pop up.

I still laugh when I think about the note that said that he threw himself on the ground (he was doing that for a while) after being asked to clean up his toys. He got up after 30 seconds and then put the toys up., So my daughter is level 2 not potty trained she is 3 and getting more verbal thankfully.  I was having the exact same dilemma a month ago.  She started 40 hour ABA on 3/5 so last week was her first full week.  She was in daycare 4 days a week for 6 hours a day previously.  She is exhausted when she gets home, I pick her up at 4 she’s in bed by 530.  I will say she can nap if she wants to but she’s so excited to be there that she just can’t sleep, I’m sure this will wear off.  She absolutely hands down loves going to school, that’s what we call it.  She used to cry at daycare drop off at least once a week, she doesn’t even look back when I take her to her new school.  The people there really love the kids and they don’t push them hard from what I can see.  It’s all play based and positive rewards.  

If I could’ve picked 7 hours a day I probably would’ve but it wasn’t an option.  My thought was let’s do this now so we are prepared for kindergarten and it’s less stressful for everyone.  I’m so relieved that she comes home happy, albeit exhausted. Everyone’s kiddo and experience is different but this has been mine.  Her daycare was not remotely equipped to handle her and it showed.  She was getting picked on already and now she’s just another kid at school, I used to cry after drop off because some of the kids comments were so horrible and it was addressed but kids say what they want, luckily my daughter didn’t give a hoot.  I’m so happy she found a place that she fits in and can be herself.  I hope this helps good luck, I would listen to your gut, if you think that's too much then it is. Just tell them no thank you. My kid did one to two hours a week in separate sessions that I attended and participated in fully with him, that worked really well for us as level 3 nonverbal, needing significant support. He's in 2nd grade gen ed now. More is just more sometimes, and does get billed as more, you have that pegged., No. Just no., I’m in the process of enrolling my son in ABA at the recommendation of his OT/ST providers. I’ve always been against ABA based on what I’ve heard from other parents and people who worked at ABA facilities. I called a ton of places in my area and they told me the same thing: long days, no naps and no outside therapy. My son had never been away from us. Like not even for a date night. So the long days would not work for us. But I did just find a place that was willing to start out small (like really small) and work up to more therapy hours AND let us keep our outside therapies. They would even let him come home for nap time! I still have to tour the facility and get the evaluation done, but the little bit of hope is nice, lol., Get him every ounce of therapies you can as early as you can., No. Too many hours., And a child potty training at 3-4 IS NOT LATE. Repeat after me, A FOUR YEAR OLD POTTY TRAINING AND BEING FULLY TRAINED IS NOT LATE, I really don't reccomend doing that much. Therapy is work. That is too much work for a little kid. The r/autism subreddit has a pinned post with autism therapies red flags and this is one of them, Aba centers are for profit, the bigger chain ones are worse and won’t be flexible with the hours. We hired a parent coach who is a bcba and worked at a few different aba therapy places and she shared that she left bcuz they were forcing her to over prescribe. She constantly battled them and would only prescribe what she thought the kiddos really needed which led to a lot of contention.  Just some food for thought, we have toured several aba places and they gave us the ick so we went another route.  Trust your instincts!, My daughter has been going to aba for 8 hours a day since she was a little over 2 she’s almost 4 now. She started off only going 3 hours a day per week and worked her way up to 40 hours per week. She’s nonverbal and she enjoys it and loves her RBTs that she has daily. Like most 3 year olds she does have her days but overall I feel it’s helped her tremendously with her communication and her ability to regulate better during tantrums. I was also concerned with her going for that many hours a week at first., No way!!  That's awful!  Like a full-time job for a toddler.  I would consider that abuse, honestly.  Those ABA clinics are making a shit ton of money off insurance companies.  They'll claim your child needs as much therapy as the insurance company is willing to pay.  They're trying to create obedient little robots.

I personally think daily ABA for even an hour might be too much.  He needs speech therapy, occupational therapy, maybe physical therapy.  He needs to play and explore.  He needs to go to library reading time or play time in the children's area.  He needs to play with water, and textures, and have opportunities to create.  He needs to spend time outside, at a playground, out in nature.

Is he in preschool, too?  He's a toddler.  Please let him be a child.

Edit to add links:

[https://autisticmama.com/even-new-aba-is-problematic/](https://autisticmama.com/even-new-aba-is-problematic/)

[https://autisticscienceperson.com/why-aba-therapy-is-harmful-to-autistic-people/](https://autisticscienceperson.com/why-aba-therapy-is-harmful-to-autistic-people/)

[https://fortune.com/2022/05/13/autistic-community-reckoning-aba-therapy-rights-autism-insurance-private-equity-ariana-cernius/](https://fortune.com/2022/05/13/autistic-community-reckoning-aba-therapy-rights-autism-insurance-private-equity-ariana-cernius/), Aba Tech here honestly in children like this it seems like unlimited acces for play time :) everything is child based and we usually just go with the flow, This is just one of the reasons why I hate ABA and can tell you it did nothing good for my son., It depends to me why they are suggesting it. If they have evaluated your child and felt like increasing his time would be helpful, I think it's okay to give it a try. We've toured and evaluated at one that was the first to recommend our daughter for 40 hours. Come to find out, they only ever recommended children for 40 hours, even school-aged children that were already acclimated into school. We politely declined. It sounds like after spending time with him, the team felt he could benefit from a full schedule., We were suggested 40 and did roughly 22 because that’s all we could configure to do but also had an hour and a half of ot/speech once a week. I thought it was perfect for us. And honestly he loved it so I’m sure he could have done more but we saw a ton of progress even with half the recommendation., As an RBT, I've only seen 1 case of a child being at ABA for 8 hours a day but that included 2 hour daily nap sessions since they were 3 years old. Even then, that was the parents pushing for the hours so they could go to work. They've since graduated to pre-K with no issues but my BCBAs don't push for hours that long without a nap, When we received our diagnosis (level 3, non-verbal) at just shy of two years old, the neurologist recommended 36 hours per week (as in she told me in person to my face, not just as a side note on some paperwork) and stressed how important it was to start early because of how plastic a young growing brain is. 
I had about the same reaction as you. It seemed like too much. We ended up with ABA at home that gradually increased to 36 hours over the course of a few months. It was fine. Most of the therapy was play interactions with frequent breaks from the goals for more play. 
At 3 she went to Pre-K in the morning with ABA at home in the afternoon. Eventually, she let us know without words that she was sick of ABA at home (almost like she wanted home as a safe space), and while the Pre-K was actually great, it was only 3 hours a day, 4 days a week with SO MANY days off for holidays and teacher training and  COVID breaks and whatever else. She was also sick SO often that it was like she was barely attending. The lack of routine made it very hard for her to transition back and forth. 
So at age 4 we started a clinic based full time program. 40 hours a week. None of the extended vacations. No months off during summer. I think she is doing great. She smiles when I drop her off and when I pick her up. I get photos and updates all day. I meet weekly by phone with her BCBA who keeps me up to date on her highs and lows. 
That being said, I don't have an identical kid to use as a control so I can't say for sure if progress is because of all the ABA or if it would have happened regardless. I can confidently say that she enjoys it most of the time, which I cannot say about her being at home all the time, no matter how many fun outings we go on. I just can't compare here (mostly because I am not willing to cover my entire house in shaving cream and paint and I don't have an assistant to help me set up foam parties and bubble busses and clean all the messes that result). 
I would say overall it has made everyone's life a bit better to have her there full time, despite some small hiccups here and there. I cannot say for sure that it would be right for your kiddo. Perhaps you can give it a shot and see? I am sure you will know if it's not ok pretty quickly. 
Also, I can say that the place we go to does have kids who nap and that it is NOT covered by insurance to have someone monitor them while they nap (which is required ). Those parents get billed separately for the nap hours., So I think you are looking at the time in the wrong way. Obviously every place will be a little different but the way my son’s therapy is set up is they live a day to day life. They read books, play outside and go to the park, go and walk around the grocery store(not to shop but to practice behavior in public places), sit together family style for breakfast lunch and snacks, sit and listen to music, and play with toys on top of lots of other things. To me it’s not different than dropping your kid off at daycare while working. Difference is in ABA your child has a one on one side kick for all the fun activities during the day! But with all that being said, if you don’t feel for 8 hours is right for your child you know better than them!! I toured several places and was kinda anti ABA but wanted to at least check it out to show I was doing my due diligence. Then I found where my son is at now. Changed my whole mind.

Edit : his place also sources out and brings a therapist in once a week for OT and once a week for speech, My kiddo does 6 hours a day, 5 days a week as well as preschool for 3 hours a day, 4 times a week. He loves it! Sometimes he does get tired but that usually just means he goes right to bed at bedtime instead of staying up to read/play. He has so much fun in ABA and is THRIVING., Hi! My 2.5 yr old was diagnosed in December and was doing ST/PT/OT 2x’s a week 30 min each through insurance and also ST/DT (1x’s a week/ 1 hr) through state early intervention since 15 months old as she had been diagnosed with global developmental delay around that time. She had been attending a play based daycare since April 2023 full time (8ish - 4:30ish).  She started ABA last month and we’ve already seen some changes. She does 30 hours a week as recommended by the clinic.  She seems to have a good time. We love to see the daily progress notes. We love that she is getting one on one attention. We are blessed that it’s covered by insurance as I am reading here it’s not covered by all insurances everywhere. 

If you think 8 hours is too much perhaps ask if you can do less. If they are not willing to consider less than look elsewhere.

Good luck !!, You don't owe an excuse to us for trying aba. Do what you think is best for your baby. Most clinics I see these days are no different then preschool really with circle time table time play time etc. I'm sure you're little one will love it and do great!, I work at a facility for young autistic kids and also have an autdhd son who is 7. Agreed with the people suggesting that 40 hours is like equivalent to a full time job. It’s easier to schedule therapies during the school day. The time spent in direct therapy work will be much smaller than the 8 hour work day. Take away half hour for lunch, 1 hour for recess, and 2 hours for nap, and you only have 4.5 hours of “instruction” each day. Take away 2 more hours of cumulative informal playtime and you have 2.5 hours of “instruction” each day. Take away an hour each day for ot/pt/slp therapy time and you get 1.5 hours of direct “instruction.” Put in two diaper changes and snack time into the schedule and you get 1 hour left of instructional time. Put in circle time, a craft, and an exploratory activity for that final hour, and your 8 hours are all spent. Your kid will be fine with that routine. You will be able to make adjustments if necessary, but 8 will benefit him in the long run, especially when you look at preschool and kindergarten readiness., I personally refuse to do such a high number of hours. Even if the child isn't doing ""academic"" work, they still have to be on. The equivalent hours of a full time job is just too much in my opinion for a toddler. Almost everywhere is just trying to max out what insurance will pay and it just feels icky. I want my kid to have time to be a kid and not be drained of this kind of thing before they even start kindergarten., The way I see it is that there is.no harm in trying. Give the 40 hours a whirl. If he's tired and overwhelmed and etc, pull out your mama bear and pull it back. 
They may be experts, but you're his parent. You're an expert in him. As parents, our biggest job is to advocate for our kiddos in this. I would definitely give it a try, but don't be afraid to assert yourself if you need to., My daughter is 3 and can’t handle 1 hour per day, imagine 8 lol she hates therapy, We do 15 hours a week and it’s a lot on me because I don’t have free time during the week anymore. ABA has been helpful though. Since you are the parent, maybe ask if your child can work up to 40hrs a week ?, Go with what your mama heart is telling you! Seems like a lot for a 3 year old., So I have experience with 3 different Aba clinics. The first one suggested 20 hours a week. It was amazing and my daughter thrived there. Unfortunately the lady who ran it moved out of state and the center shut down due to being unable to find a replacement. I toured another clinic that suggested 8 hours a day. I got really bad vibes from that clinic so I decided not to put her in there. I was distraught as that was my only other option, but thankfully a new one has opened up in my city by a woman who has a son with asd. And it reminds me so much of the last clinic she went to and loved. They also recommended 4 hours a day. So she does half a day of school and half a day at aba., Full time work for a toddler? Nope., Every autistic adult I know says ABA is abuse., Take the advice you get here with a grain of salt. Many people are anti-ABA out of the gate based on what ABA might have been 20 years ago or based on nothing, really. The ""ABA is abuse"" and other blanket statement crowd without much to back it up.


The most important thing is the individual clinic you deal with. Do their values align with yours? Does your kiddo like going, does he or she have fun? Do they like their therapists? Is your child achieving developmental goals they weren't before? Is your child learning new things?


Every day has the same number of hours whether your child is at home, in daycare, or doing ABA. If they benefit from and enjoy ABA, then that's the right thing for them to be doing. Daycare is really unstructured and typically doesn't have the resources or capacity to help your kid achieve their goals.


Wishing you and your family all the best, [deleted], The place I’m working with recommended 30 hours a week but since he’s in daycare, they’ll do doing it at the daycare. He’ll have individual activities with them but they’ll also be able to observe him in a group setting and work with him while he’s in the group. I’m so happy to see this comment amongst several negative because I’m actually  really looking forward to him getting started next week, Wow that sounds amazing thanks for sharing, This is similar to my experience as well! It’s been amazing but I will say it’s totally dependent on the place. My husband and I work full time so my daughter has to be in some kind of care all day anyway. When I found our place I knew I’d rather have her here with 1-1 care all day than anywhere else. They recommended 40 hours a week and that works for us, but there are plenty of kids there that do less / partial days so they are flexible.

 Our clinic goes above and beyond to create a child-led atmosphere that is more like a preschool for kids with autism than anything hardcore. Yes it’s aba, but there’s plenty of downtime and they rotate daily activities. They have a huge sensory gym (swings, slide, ball pit, etc), a quiet sensory room, arts and crafts room where they have free art and a craft they do everyday, sensory / water play, circle time, adaptive skills and personal care (potty training / teeth brushing etc). And they tailor every kids goals and plans individually. Parents are also encouraged to attend part of the day once a week to observe and learn while joining the session. They throw birthday parties and holiday parties. 

My daughter has learned to use her AAC device there, improved her receptive language skills, social skills, eye contact. The list goes on and on. Again this might sound more like a raving review for our specific clinic, but my advice would be know there’s all kinds of care out there and different aba styles so keep researching and find what fits for your family!  , Are all these free in the states? In my country, no way ABA is free. Insurance also doesn't cover any of these therapies, sadly.., Totally agree with what everyone else is saying about insurance but also I find it odd that the director was saying that and not a BCBA after an assessment of your individual child. 40 hours isn’t a blanket need., Thanks for sharing.

Yes there definitely is a clear ""8 hours of course!"" perspective at all the places i toured. But some also conveyed that theyll pay attention to the kid and adjust to whatever works.

Maybe they have a bunch of success stories based in 8? But yeah its a lot, Seems all ABA places jump to 8 as the plan

But u said he also was in daycare? Some kids are in daycare for 9 hours while parents work 🤔, Awesome glad he is doing well, Exactly this. It’s not like they drill them for 40 hours., My daughter will start soon and it's just like her daycare except more individual attention. Her daycare does table activities circle time etc. She actually enjoys table activities and the structure is good. She's done well in her school so I know she'll enjoy the center. We aren't starting with fulltime to ease the transition plus she loves her current teachers. I think she'll do really well but if she doesn't like it we'll just dump them lol, Interesting!! Lot to think about.

They have commented that ""oh if we stick with 6 then later want to go to 8, maybe insurance wont approve at that time"" which just seems like BS 🤔

2 hours as a gold standard 😯 is very different than what i heard at the 4 places we toured

Thing is, another variable, is they insisted it eill be vast majority play based ""NET"" or floor time. Not drills really. And thats what i saw so i believe that for sure.

And there are two per month 1 hour parent-BCBA one on one meetings to help parents learn/implement/discuss., Yeah what about nap time? These kids need a nap, 3 year olds sometimes (many times) do need a nap. And a 2 year old almost always!, If your child has autism level 1 I don’t think ABA is needed, I didn’t do ABA AT ALL. I went from non verbal to very functional in a matter of a few years as well, And I do think ABA is good for things like fecal smearing, hitting, biting, pinching, pushing etc. if it isn’t that I don’t think it’s really vital, I wouldn’t call them deficits I’d say challenges., That’s what we did, So theyre at an ABA clinic basically 40 hours a week? And the ABA clinic soes some speech OT too? Sounds similar to what my clinic plans.

Have you seen ABA help your kids?, Same, Thanks for sharing.

Csn you share more about how you got comfortable with the amount of hours? Or what changes you saw in your kid/how u knew if it was not too much time for him?, Well it is sn ABA clinic. So itd be completely with them. Some options for ST or OT during the week. But weve done ST and OT a lot over years and dont care to peioritize it anymore.

One thing they talked about is ""NET"" vs ""DTT"" and said it would be vast majority ""NET"" i.e. play based maybe another term for it., See I had Ot and ST. So doing Aba next to that would’ve been useless haha. I never had it (level 1) but used to be level 2. Doing fine, Not true. We Mimic other kids. I am autistic and my pattern recognition is impeccable., Not being potty trained at 3-4 can actually be very normal for even some neurotypical kids, studies have come out about this people, This. Speech and occupational therapies are where it’s at. They teach SO much and really cover most areas autistic kids need help with., Yes hes done preschool. And he has done OT, PT, ST, DT (early intervention in state) for over a year and a half. With little to nothing to show for it.

And its hard for me to take seriously the accusation that ABA is abuse. I toured many places. I saw kids with their ""technicians"". It was all gentle, all ""child led"". Made me wonder if it was different at all from preschool if anything. Not a hint of ""abuse""

More i read your comment the more pandering, condescending, out of touch i find it. My son has global delays. He needs help. You act like ive never taken him to a park or had him ""play with textures"" as if that would suddenly change things for him anyway 🙄 i have and continue to do that, While I don’t disagree with you on some points, I don’t fully agree with you either. Good ABA does incorporate many things you suggested, such as water play, discovering textures, sounds, movement, etc. So there is all of that when good ABA is implemented. I certainly agree that time for speech, OT, and other therapy needs to be included (and the OP may already be doing that) and that may mean that ABA hours need to be reduced. 

My best advice would be to start with what you are comfortable with as a parent. You can increase or decrease the hours as you see fit. You know your child best and if you feel that 8 hours a day is too much, then it probably is! You are in control and you get to have the decision making power, so don’t let anybody else tell you otherwise! Personally, my 3 year old still (ideally) naps on a daily basis, so his ABA is 4 hours in the morning and 2 in the afternoon. I understand that RBTs want to get as many hours as they can because they are trying to make a living of course, but what is best for your child in this period of life is what is most important. 

Also, to any parent out there, if you do have a RBT that is really amazing and making a difference in your child’s life, please make sure that you tell them!!! If you are able, maybe treat them with a coffee if gift card every once in a while, because the good ones really deserve it!!!! If you are not able, that is perfectly ok too, just be sure to acknowledge their hard work and how it has impacted your child and your family!, They need the nap, We have a meeting with them tomorrow and im really worried its gonna be a big conflict with them if we dont want to do 40 🙁, I believe that yes. From everything I’ve heard and watched on YouTube yes, Have you ever met a three year old who naps three times in one day?, Ours did morning 3 hours at daycare, afternoon session at home! It was a good mix since they could work on him playing with other kids, participating in songs, etc. at daycare., Definitely NOT free but it’s state by state as to whether or not it’s covered by your health insurance. In our state it has to be covered by your insurance up to 50 hrs a week i think. They made it a law the year my twins turned 18. We paid for as much private as we could afford which wasn’t enough, so we did the best we could. 20 years ago there was very little information out there and only Autism Speaks was online. My twins were lucky that their Godmother was a paraprofessional in a school district with enough money to have an Autism program., Ours was covered by a combo of insurance and Medicaid. With insurance we would have been responsible for one copay per day, so around $300-400 per month, but the place we used took Medicaid as secondary insurance, so it was free for us. Ironically the therapies he is in now, while covered by insurance, do not take Medicaid, so we’re out a lot more money ourselves until we hit our deductible., Oh we didn’t even make it far enough to get an assessment done. We took a tour first with the director and she made it very clear their company would not allow partial days. Definitely a shame, because we were otherwise very interested in the facility., If you're in the U.S., for insurance purposes, it's best to do the maximum amount of ABA therapy that you can do and scale back if necessary. If you only do 5-6 hours and see progress, so you want to add more hours, it then becomes a *huge* fight with insurance to get more. I speak from experience., Regardless of what they want to do, you know your child best, and you should be able to decide how much therapy is appropriate. I agree, 8 hours a day is like a full time job :(, Yes, 8 hours a day keeps them afloat financially. 

Daycare ≠ ABA. Daycare is fun, interactive with peers, and isn’t a strict schedule. ABA is solo, heavily supervised and meticulous therapy. Its work. Daycare is play. My son goes to daycare 6 hours a day, 5 days a week. That being said, he’s free to come home whenever he likes. But he’s always having fun so he usually just wants to stay and play. Daycare has actually helped a lot with schedule because he knows we get up, do our morning routine, go to daycare, play all day, come home, do dinner and nighttime routine. He really enjoys it.

We sometimes have to remind ourselves that yes, they have autism, but they’re also just kids. I just let my son be a kid. You’re only a kid for a few years, we have our whole lives to be serious adults., I'm a working mom so we had him in regular daycare until his diagnosis. No 1-on-1 attention, no meaningful stimulation etc. If he's going to be in a facility either way I'd choose ABA especially how it's run at our center. They don't drill them ever they incorporate the therapy into their play and the kids get individual attention. It's preferable to me than anything else., Well, once you realize the rate for RBT insurance reimbursement is about 80 dollars and hour (not including BCBA supervision) you’ll see they’re making about 166,000 per year per kid. And then they of course don’t reimburse the BT probably more than 25 (being generous here) unless they’re in a masters program. 

So yeah, that’s a pretty sweet set-up scummy ABA companies have going on for sure. It’s definitely in their best interest to bill, bill, bill and shoot for as many hours as possible, whether the kid needs them or not. 

Why drag it out for 8 hours? Why not do high-quality targeted DTT mixed with tons of fun and keep the interest and momentum there, for a couple hours, and then allow the child to actually you know have time to be a child. 

Your kid is making them wealthy so don’t be afraid to ask hard questions., I was nonverbal nearly until four years old and I don’t brag about it, I don’t even know if I had/have any neurodevelopmental dx , needless to say I never had any therapeutic intervention, A challenge doesn’t disable you, it challenges you. A deficit that prevents you to be autonomous does disable you. You can use whatever term you want but parents / legal guardians need appropriate terms to obtain federal and state disability benefits for their disabled children, Yes!  They do speech and OT there!  And it’s a playbased center. They clearly do work for like 2-4 minutes at a time and then play. They are so happy to go and their staff love them. We have noticed a huge help with ABA. I would honestly recommend it to anyone but make sure they find a place that is a good fit. 40 hours is honestly not as much as you think if you realize kids go to preschool for that long. My kids do circletime, peer play, lunch time, gross motor, art, fine motor, recess, etc.

Like…we are having playdates and being invited to birthday parties., Ok. For a preschooler play based aba sounds great. 8 hours is a bit much. I would ask if they could help train you to help them. So they incorporate you into there therapy. 

Then you will get insight into what is going on., By doing fine, I’m getting an associate degree in early childhood education. I drive, I have coworkers I talk to often, I have a job currently. I make decent money for a minimum wage job… I used to be a nanny and did well in that with select families. I am ordering my grad regalia tomorrow. I am working on my practicum project with “my kids”., I do not have a boyfriend or close friends I regularly hang with, Honestly I don’t know where the negativity about ABA comes from. Like you I have lost faith in speech therapy being helpful at all. My son has made tremendous progress through ABA and absolutely nothing from speech he’s had for close to 2 years. I don’t know about the need for 40 hours as my son only gets about 22 hours of ABA a week, but please don’t believe the negativity. If you find a good ABA clinic, it’s absolutely life changing., We should **listen to autistic people.**  They are better judges of what works and doesn't work, what is abusive and what is therapeutic.  The first article I linked was written by an autistic mother parenting an autistic child., Look, it’s all fun and games until you realize the techs are barely supervised, have hardly any experience and have several other clients simultaneously. Look at the r/ABA sub for some more information. I loved doing it as BT but after two hours with a kid I was done, and so were they. Asking them to do that 8 hours a day is crazy. Is it even the same person for 40 hours a week?, My daughter (5.5) made very little progress in speech and OT alone. She attends her ABA center 40 hours a week (with in-house OT and speech) and has made way more progress than before. She still has a long way to go, but she's a lot closer than she would have been without ABA. Our center allows naps as needed and outside medical appointments (like for PT, dentist, pediatrician, etc). There was a point where she was shutting down, so they increased the fun factor, and that fixed the issue. They're also great about letting her stim as long as it's not affecting her learning time at the table., The premise seems to be to train kids to act neurotypical the same way you would train a dog., Wow YouTube!? Such a scholar!, Yea, that’s what I’m really happy about. I work from home but it requires my workspace to be quiet, and while I would love to have him home, we’ve tried it and it just does not work. So he will be doing the individual also at daycare but I will be on zoom(which I can absolutely make work) for part of the day, every day I would like. I have to be on at least one time a week to discuss things I should implement at home and such. I’m just so happy I found somewhere that was totally willing to work with my schedule to keep me included while not having to miss a ton of work. Sometimes I wish there was a manual they gave us when we got the diagnosis. But unfortunately it doesn’t work that way😫 we’re left really just figuring it out on our own. But thank you for the uplifting comments, sometimes this sub can make me nervous for the future but there’s always little nuggets of hope mixed in. Thank you again 🫶, Oh really? 😯, Not all kids can do daycare., Exactly. My kids have been so catered to and accommodated and loved there. It’s been nothing but positive., we are a money racket that’s it huh, Dude. Bye, All cause we are a minority you’re doing this huh, We will have two 1-hour meetings a month one on one with the BCBA. The goal of to help the parents implement/support whats working at the clinic., All of the negativity of ABA comes from an echo chamber of people who have never done it and have never raised a child who needs it. Unfortunately, it can be taken as fact by a lot., It comes from autistic people.  We should be listening to them!  **Listen to adults who have autism!**

I am a certified special ed. teacher, trained in ABA techniques.   I wouldn't use it with my students and I would not allow it for my own autistic child., Aren’t most of us autistic adults or partners of autistic adults parenting autistic children?, It would certainly not be the same 1-on-1 person for all 40 hours. I think maybe split across 3 or possibly 4 people, not sure, Correct. Horrible, Just cause we are a minority doesn’t mean we should have to act like you. In fact autistic communication is so much better than Neurotypical communication cause it’s DIRECT, We also know other kids who went to those programs, I don't mean to scare you, but yes. It's why so many ABA therapy centers will recommend 40 hours to start. It's easier to get the most amount of time possible and then scale back as opposed to doing too little and realizing you need more. Forms need to be refilled, requests need to be made, and a lot of back and forth.

The center we eventually settled on for our child straight-up told us all of that. We balked at 40 hours to start, but they assured us that they would track his progress and reassess after two weeks. If he couldn't handle it, we'd scale back. Despite our trepidation, our son took to it well, and we were seeing results almost immediately.

But you know your kid best. I'm sure that whatever conclusion you come to, it's for their best., Once again stating what I did in my first reply: ABA works for some families., I can tell you from experience, those meetings are not enough. I do not learn much in those one hour meetings. It is a fine line. You do not want alienate the provider, but if you are able to do so, get more interaction. Just let them know, you are willing to meet more, participate once week (if able)., Or those who did it 30 years ago and got traumatized by it. I can’t imagine what it was like back then and I feel for them, but I’m not sure why they are hell bent on believing that it’s the same today., The negativity comes from people who have been negatively impacted by ABA -- autistic adults.  We should start listening to them!, I was a child many may have said needed it!!!! I wouldn’t do it with my kids., How old are these autistic people you speak of? I’m not convinced that the children today will have the same opinion, but we will have to wait 15 to 20 years to ask them. You can’t expect people to deny the evidence of their own eyes and experience regardless of what others feel about it. I can only speak to what it’s done for my child. And it was recommended and prescribed by both his pediatrician and developmental psychologist. I never even knew or heard of ABA before they mentioned it to me. And I’m so grateful that they did. I think it’s a disservice to children not to even consider it in this day and age. But, that’s just my opinion., My son is almost 5, speech delayed and has some behavioral issues, will throw stuff sometimes when he doesn’t get his way. He hasn’t had a diagnosis, but I believe he is autistic based on everything I’m seeing. What would you recommend? I haven’t put him in any services, really just trying to figure out where I should go from here., I’d also look on their indeed and glass door reviews. See what it’s like working there., I agree., Yeah exactly. It’s perfectly valid for them to say “hey, this was awful for me thirty years ago” but similarly to how my dad’s private school teacher gave him spankings. It’s not happening like that anymore. It sucked and that’s fine for you to speak about it but you can’t assume it’s the same., Yes, we do listen to them. 20 years ago, ABA was abusive. But it is a completely different practice nowadays much like many things including public school, private school and parenting practices.  Even the medicinal world.  It’s silly to assume anything is the same as it always was., That’s fine. Your personal choice is fine. I’m not judging you for it. But I don’t like when others judge me for my family’s choices.  I’m not harming my children and giving them tools they need to be successful and also functional., I was not even successful long term with speech and OT. How would ABA have done better? I have no friends now who are neurotypical and what feels like no life. All I have is my mother. What am I doing when she dies, I did social skills training by the way too, I don’t think any amount of therapy would make society not hate autistic people., That’s a them problem, I don’t agree, I don’t know. Give her tools she needs to be successful?, My kids are literally going to change the world in my eyes. 🤷🏻‍♀️, That’s your opinion but you also don’t see our life or what they do at ABA so you’re basing this entirely on your feelings., lol im pertaining to myself haha, My mom??, Good for you and them, Sorry, I thought you were talking about child. You have commented so many times, it’s hard to keep track of what you’re talking about., See where I state “I HAVE NOT been successful”, not really, You have spammed me with comments, it’s honestly hard to keep track and reply accordingly. I don’t even know what your argument is. You’re yelling me you didn’t get ABA but also aren’t successful and could have used it but wouldn’t put your child in it., My argument is “if you don’t have reassurance for me in any of these areas then I can have my vote on aba”, I don’t know you so I can’t say how you would have done., We did 30 hours a week for my son for 3 years and it was awesome—he loved it!! It was a full-time job for his THERAPISTS. It was not a full-time job for a 3 year old. As far as he knew they were playing trains and blowing bubbles. I was amazed at his progress—we had like 12-20 rotating goals at any given time, so they could incorporate one or two of them organically into what he already wanted to play. Stuff I never would have known to focus on individually. Prepositional phrases! Looking at where we’re pointing! Being able to pass a message to someone outside the room, holding a pencil… it was basically speech and OT but it was purely play for him. The therapists rotated so he knew them but no one got bored—two came per day for 3 hours each. He had four total that showed up in various order throughout the week. One was great at magnatiles, one could make anything out of play doh, they were all fun.

So this depends 100% on the quality of care and who is proving the therapy and what your goals are. But it was not like, drilling him academically all day. 

When he started he was 3 and he did not say any verbs, didn’t play with other kids, etc. He was basically caught up by kindergarten. He had an IEP for one year, graduated out of it. He takes speech and OT privately about twice a month.

So you should definitely do what you think is best, but I just wanted to chime in with a really good experience with intensive therapy. I still text those therapists little update photos. It was a real blessing for us to have them therapy him so we could PARENT him, if that makes sense., I recently toured an ABA clinic that also demanded 8 hours a day for my almost 3 year old. The director absolutely would not even consider anything less. She even hemmed and hawed about naps, saying it was an insurance issue so “maybe they could do 30 minutes.” My kid has also not been to school or daycare, ever. 

My husband and I decided to keep looking. To me, 8 hours a day is too much. We are going to either find something part-time or just focus on preschool next school year with additional private therapy. Even if the therapy is play based, I think that is too long of a day for him. Just my personal opinion, for my kid. Everyone’s kid and situation is different. But I would definitely be turned off by a program that will not adjust or work with you or your child whatsoever., I was also told this for my little guy, OP. At age 2. 

We decided against it. It’s essentially a full time job for a toddler. The stress impact on them would be exponential. I researched ABA strategies and did the ones that I thought would work for us at home, when he wasn’t in daycare. 

A year and a bit later, he’s starting to say some words, has calmed down a lot, and is a very happy boy. He still has many issues, is not toilet trained, doesn’t use language to communicate needs, etc. but his overall mental wellbeing has drastically improved. Most of what we did was exposure; to sounds, places, textures, etc. 

ABA works for some families, but 8 hours seems predatory. I’d get third and fourth opinions and delay it until he’s a bit older. IMO he’s far too young to be spending all day in a therapy room., My son is in 8 hrs a day 5 days a week and will be 3 in a month and is thriving and growing exponentially.  He's been in the program since the first of the year. He was totally nonverbal at 2.5 and is having a language explosion right now. Pointing at everything and naming everything he sees. It's been amazing for him, I just reduced my 3yo from 6.5hrs 5 days a week to 6.5hrs 3 days a week. He was far too exhausted and had frequent meltdowns at home and now he is doing *much* better., My kid is 3 and does 35 hours. It's like daycare except more stimulating. They incorporate his goals into his play and are constantly playing with him 1-on-1. It really depends on the center and how they approach the ABA but we're satisfied with our center. It's not work for him at all in fact he can't wait to ditch us at the door every day. He rotates who his fav therapist is at the time also LOL, I think that 8 hours is way too much. We're starting our son in a special needs preschool, but only 2.5 hours a day., My twins started at 2 and a half and they were going 30hrs a week at first and the clinic they were at for 2 years they just weren't progressing so I decided to put them into special education preschool program when that time came and do that half the day and tried a different clinic the other half of the day and they loved it and they progressed more in 2 months then they did in 2 years I was so blown away. it really does come down to the quality of care. The first clinic told me they couldn't accommodate less hours bc they believed they wouldn't progress b***h pls they progressed way more with less hours at another clinic. They are almost 7 now and go to school full time and have Paras with them the entire time they are progressing so much and they love it they also do so well when they visit their GE class it's so amazing how far they have come. Sorry for the long comment I just wanted to chime in with that., TRUST YOUR GUT. This would have been unthinkable ten years ago. They’re billing like mad and getting tons of cash for 40 hours a week. I wouldn’t go above two hours a day for my child even if they were a really tough case. The golden standard is 2 hours per day
IN-HOME and with parental participation- this gravy train of insurance reimbursements for insane hours and expectations of toddlers is going to be the nail in ABA’s coffin. 

Let me guess, if you don’t commit to that amount of hours, they’ll say they cannot provide services? 

I used to work in ABA, fyi, and I hate what the field has become. 

Are you even allowed to participate? How many clients does each BT have? Are there cameras? Naps? Are they a licensed ECE center? Parent training? How much training does their BT have? How long has their BCBA been at the clinic? How much outdoor play? How much time at the table doing drills? Would you want to be doing ABA for 8 hours a day as a 3 year old? 

I’d grill them like Korean BBQ before you start and be sure to watch for behavior changes that indicate they’re unhappy., It’s not really different than a toddler being in daycare for 8 hours a day. Just different activities and curriculum. He will still get play time, nap, lunch, etc., The reality is that a vast majority of ABA centers will demand 40 hours a week, and they do it because it obviously is the easiest way to account for a full time employee. Most centers have a minimum hour requirement and if they recommend 40 hours the least they will allow is 30, and some will say 20-25 only if your child is in school the rest of the day. I personally take issue with this extreme hour requirement, and it’s one of many reasons that my husband and I have opted not to go the ABA route. 

But also keep in mind that they can’t bill insurance for nap time, so many centers will practically make your child forego naps as much as possible. It’s another problematic issue with ABA.

Keep in mind that ABA is a huge money making business. You should stick to your instincts and only allow what you’re comfortable with., You know your kid best. 8 hours seems insane for a 3 year old., If your child has severe global deficits a dual program (in-home and center based) is not that bad. So he can have a morning block at home from 8am-12pm and another four hour block at the clinic, or viceversa. Plenty of time at home to master ADL such potty training, eating with utensils, teeth brushing, etc , then at the clinic work on social goals interacting with other children or more therapists , problem behaviors (if existing) etc. if your child is not seriously impacted 8 hours sounds overprescribed, I don’t think my daughter would be able to handle that.  She does 3 1/2 hours of daycare with some learning and then another 2 hours of an IPK ESE program.  She is worn out by the end of the day.  We also go to speech and OT two days a week before IPK and she has 30 minutes of language therapy during IPK one day a week.  She is so tired she’s ready for bed between 6 and 6:30 but she’s making so many improvements.  Try it out and see if it works for y’all., It’s like preschool. My kids do 40 hours a week and it’s literally no big deal. Not like they’re just doing work the whole time.  They play, get speech, OT, have breaks…it’s entirely reasonable., When we started aba we thought the hours were a but much but we built up to 6. 8 hours didnt work for us logistically. But our son never has had any issues and has thrived in aba., I shopped around until I found the ABA therapist willing to meet for the number of hours per week that I thought made sense for our family.

ABA therapy is a cash cow, since insurance companies are required under state law to cover it.  As a result, ABA therapists will insist on a certain number of hours.  I firmly believe that this primarily a business decision., Is it 40 hrs of aba? Or do they break it up with ot, st, classroom and play?, I was in a similar boat with my 3.5 yo daughter when we started ABA in October. They have a clinic that runs 9-3 pm, so they are there 6 hours a day. She was a Covid baby and had always been at home - never in any kind of daycare or anything. I was terrified that she wouldn’t be able to handle it, but we could tell she was bored at home and not getting the attention she needed while the adults were working. 
My daughter has absolutely blossomed and loves it there. She is in “school” where they do pre-k readiness activities in a small classroom in the morning, then lunch, then one on one play based therapy the rest of the day. It challenges her but she has a great time. Comes home happy and regulated and ready to snuggle on the couch for the evening., I think it really depends on the child. We were pressured into full time ABA therapy at first but we declined because we didn't feel like he needed full time therapy. He was also in an early childhood education class and that was going really well and we didn't want to take him out of that. I really like having the combination of school and therapy and by the time he starts kindergarten he will have 3 combined years of early childhood education and preschool. 

We found a company where we do about 12 hours of in home ABA therapy a week and have been happy with that. That was our comfort level with our child. He has problems with rigidity, routines, and transitions. I think if he had problems with putting himself in danger or harming anyone including himself then we may have elected to put him in more ABA. During the summer when he doesn't have school then we will probably have him do more than 12 hours but not that much more (maybe like 20)., I have read the notes from the techs that see my son for the day. They usually start with ""pair bonded over tickles"" or ""pair bonded over alphabet letters"" (my son loves letters) then they work on whatever goal like joint attention or following directions for a puzzle or cleaning up their toys. They are all reasonable about their expectations I have been told when he has managed to sit with the group for a while 15 minutes this time, he only needed a toy to hold. Or how he participated in group this time (something about putting a toy in the bracket during a song) and they are just as excited as me. 

It really is just 8 hours of playing while working/teaching them the skills they need. IIRC I heard that children with autism don't learn by mimicing like other children, they need to be taught. My son is now much better at following basic requests and holding hands for short times. I think he is making more eye contact/connecting with us more too.

I am doing speech and it but those are only for 30 min and 45 mins a week. He is getting lots of one-on-one attention at ABA where they can help him throughout the day when things pop up.

I still laugh when I think about the note that said that he threw himself on the ground (he was doing that for a while) after being asked to clean up his toys. He got up after 30 seconds and then put the toys up., So my daughter is level 2 not potty trained she is 3 and getting more verbal thankfully.  I was having the exact same dilemma a month ago.  She started 40 hour ABA on 3/5 so last week was her first full week.  She was in daycare 4 days a week for 6 hours a day previously.  She is exhausted when she gets home, I pick her up at 4 she’s in bed by 530.  I will say she can nap if she wants to but she’s so excited to be there that she just can’t sleep, I’m sure this will wear off.  She absolutely hands down loves going to school, that’s what we call it.  She used to cry at daycare drop off at least once a week, she doesn’t even look back when I take her to her new school.  The people there really love the kids and they don’t push them hard from what I can see.  It’s all play based and positive rewards.  

If I could’ve picked 7 hours a day I probably would’ve but it wasn’t an option.  My thought was let’s do this now so we are prepared for kindergarten and it’s less stressful for everyone.  I’m so relieved that she comes home happy, albeit exhausted. Everyone’s kiddo and experience is different but this has been mine.  Her daycare was not remotely equipped to handle her and it showed.  She was getting picked on already and now she’s just another kid at school, I used to cry after drop off because some of the kids comments were so horrible and it was addressed but kids say what they want, luckily my daughter didn’t give a hoot.  I’m so happy she found a place that she fits in and can be herself.  I hope this helps good luck, I would listen to your gut, if you think that's too much then it is. Just tell them no thank you. My kid did one to two hours a week in separate sessions that I attended and participated in fully with him, that worked really well for us as level 3 nonverbal, needing significant support. He's in 2nd grade gen ed now. More is just more sometimes, and does get billed as more, you have that pegged., No. Just no., I’m in the process of enrolling my son in ABA at the recommendation of his OT/ST providers. I’ve always been against ABA based on what I’ve heard from other parents and people who worked at ABA facilities. I called a ton of places in my area and they told me the same thing: long days, no naps and no outside therapy. My son had never been away from us. Like not even for a date night. So the long days would not work for us. But I did just find a place that was willing to start out small (like really small) and work up to more therapy hours AND let us keep our outside therapies. They would even let him come home for nap time! I still have to tour the facility and get the evaluation done, but the little bit of hope is nice, lol., Get him every ounce of therapies you can as early as you can., No. Too many hours., And a child potty training at 3-4 IS NOT LATE. Repeat after me, A FOUR YEAR OLD POTTY TRAINING AND BEING FULLY TRAINED IS NOT LATE, I really don't reccomend doing that much. Therapy is work. That is too much work for a little kid. The r/autism subreddit has a pinned post with autism therapies red flags and this is one of them, Aba centers are for profit, the bigger chain ones are worse and won’t be flexible with the hours. We hired a parent coach who is a bcba and worked at a few different aba therapy places and she shared that she left bcuz they were forcing her to over prescribe. She constantly battled them and would only prescribe what she thought the kiddos really needed which led to a lot of contention.  Just some food for thought, we have toured several aba places and they gave us the ick so we went another route.  Trust your instincts!, My daughter has been going to aba for 8 hours a day since she was a little over 2 she’s almost 4 now. She started off only going 3 hours a day per week and worked her way up to 40 hours per week. She’s nonverbal and she enjoys it and loves her RBTs that she has daily. Like most 3 year olds she does have her days but overall I feel it’s helped her tremendously with her communication and her ability to regulate better during tantrums. I was also concerned with her going for that many hours a week at first., No way!!  That's awful!  Like a full-time job for a toddler.  I would consider that abuse, honestly.  Those ABA clinics are making a shit ton of money off insurance companies.  They'll claim your child needs as much therapy as the insurance company is willing to pay.  They're trying to create obedient little robots.

I personally think daily ABA for even an hour might be too much.  He needs speech therapy, occupational therapy, maybe physical therapy.  He needs to play and explore.  He needs to go to library reading time or play time in the children's area.  He needs to play with water, and textures, and have opportunities to create.  He needs to spend time outside, at a playground, out in nature.

Is he in preschool, too?  He's a toddler.  Please let him be a child.

Edit to add links:

[https://autisticmama.com/even-new-aba-is-problematic/](https://autisticmama.com/even-new-aba-is-problematic/)

[https://autisticscienceperson.com/why-aba-therapy-is-harmful-to-autistic-people/](https://autisticscienceperson.com/why-aba-therapy-is-harmful-to-autistic-people/)

[https://fortune.com/2022/05/13/autistic-community-reckoning-aba-therapy-rights-autism-insurance-private-equity-ariana-cernius/](https://fortune.com/2022/05/13/autistic-community-reckoning-aba-therapy-rights-autism-insurance-private-equity-ariana-cernius/), Aba Tech here honestly in children like this it seems like unlimited acces for play time :) everything is child based and we usually just go with the flow, This is just one of the reasons why I hate ABA and can tell you it did nothing good for my son., It depends to me why they are suggesting it. If they have evaluated your child and felt like increasing his time would be helpful, I think it's okay to give it a try. We've toured and evaluated at one that was the first to recommend our daughter for 40 hours. Come to find out, they only ever recommended children for 40 hours, even school-aged children that were already acclimated into school. We politely declined. It sounds like after spending time with him, the team felt he could benefit from a full schedule., We were suggested 40 and did roughly 22 because that’s all we could configure to do but also had an hour and a half of ot/speech once a week. I thought it was perfect for us. And honestly he loved it so I’m sure he could have done more but we saw a ton of progress even with half the recommendation., As an RBT, I've only seen 1 case of a child being at ABA for 8 hours a day but that included 2 hour daily nap sessions since they were 3 years old. Even then, that was the parents pushing for the hours so they could go to work. They've since graduated to pre-K with no issues but my BCBAs don't push for hours that long without a nap, When we received our diagnosis (level 3, non-verbal) at just shy of two years old, the neurologist recommended 36 hours per week (as in she told me in person to my face, not just as a side note on some paperwork) and stressed how important it was to start early because of how plastic a young growing brain is. 
I had about the same reaction as you. It seemed like too much. We ended up with ABA at home that gradually increased to 36 hours over the course of a few months. It was fine. Most of the therapy was play interactions with frequent breaks from the goals for more play. 
At 3 she went to Pre-K in the morning with ABA at home in the afternoon. Eventually, she let us know without words that she was sick of ABA at home (almost like she wanted home as a safe space), and while the Pre-K was actually great, it was only 3 hours a day, 4 days a week with SO MANY days off for holidays and teacher training and  COVID breaks and whatever else. She was also sick SO often that it was like she was barely attending. The lack of routine made it very hard for her to transition back and forth. 
So at age 4 we started a clinic based full time program. 40 hours a week. None of the extended vacations. No months off during summer. I think she is doing great. She smiles when I drop her off and when I pick her up. I get photos and updates all day. I meet weekly by phone with her BCBA who keeps me up to date on her highs and lows. 
That being said, I don't have an identical kid to use as a control so I can't say for sure if progress is because of all the ABA or if it would have happened regardless. I can confidently say that she enjoys it most of the time, which I cannot say about her being at home all the time, no matter how many fun outings we go on. I just can't compare here (mostly because I am not willing to cover my entire house in shaving cream and paint and I don't have an assistant to help me set up foam parties and bubble busses and clean all the messes that result). 
I would say overall it has made everyone's life a bit better to have her there full time, despite some small hiccups here and there. I cannot say for sure that it would be right for your kiddo. Perhaps you can give it a shot and see? I am sure you will know if it's not ok pretty quickly. 
Also, I can say that the place we go to does have kids who nap and that it is NOT covered by insurance to have someone monitor them while they nap (which is required ). Those parents get billed separately for the nap hours., So I think you are looking at the time in the wrong way. Obviously every place will be a little different but the way my son’s therapy is set up is they live a day to day life. They read books, play outside and go to the park, go and walk around the grocery store(not to shop but to practice behavior in public places), sit together family style for breakfast lunch and snacks, sit and listen to music, and play with toys on top of lots of other things. To me it’s not different than dropping your kid off at daycare while working. Difference is in ABA your child has a one on one side kick for all the fun activities during the day! But with all that being said, if you don’t feel for 8 hours is right for your child you know better than them!! I toured several places and was kinda anti ABA but wanted to at least check it out to show I was doing my due diligence. Then I found where my son is at now. Changed my whole mind.

Edit : his place also sources out and brings a therapist in once a week for OT and once a week for speech, My kiddo does 6 hours a day, 5 days a week as well as preschool for 3 hours a day, 4 times a week. He loves it! Sometimes he does get tired but that usually just means he goes right to bed at bedtime instead of staying up to read/play. He has so much fun in ABA and is THRIVING., Hi! My 2.5 yr old was diagnosed in December and was doing ST/PT/OT 2x’s a week 30 min each through insurance and also ST/DT (1x’s a week/ 1 hr) through state early intervention since 15 months old as she had been diagnosed with global developmental delay around that time. She had been attending a play based daycare since April 2023 full time (8ish - 4:30ish).  She started ABA last month and we’ve already seen some changes. She does 30 hours a week as recommended by the clinic.  She seems to have a good time. We love to see the daily progress notes. We love that she is getting one on one attention. We are blessed that it’s covered by insurance as I am reading here it’s not covered by all insurances everywhere. 

If you think 8 hours is too much perhaps ask if you can do less. If they are not willing to consider less than look elsewhere.

Good luck !!, You don't owe an excuse to us for trying aba. Do what you think is best for your baby. Most clinics I see these days are no different then preschool really with circle time table time play time etc. I'm sure you're little one will love it and do great!, I work at a facility for young autistic kids and also have an autdhd son who is 7. Agreed with the people suggesting that 40 hours is like equivalent to a full time job. It’s easier to schedule therapies during the school day. The time spent in direct therapy work will be much smaller than the 8 hour work day. Take away half hour for lunch, 1 hour for recess, and 2 hours for nap, and you only have 4.5 hours of “instruction” each day. Take away 2 more hours of cumulative informal playtime and you have 2.5 hours of “instruction” each day. Take away an hour each day for ot/pt/slp therapy time and you get 1.5 hours of direct “instruction.” Put in two diaper changes and snack time into the schedule and you get 1 hour left of instructional time. Put in circle time, a craft, and an exploratory activity for that final hour, and your 8 hours are all spent. Your kid will be fine with that routine. You will be able to make adjustments if necessary, but 8 will benefit him in the long run, especially when you look at preschool and kindergarten readiness., I personally refuse to do such a high number of hours. Even if the child isn't doing ""academic"" work, they still have to be on. The equivalent hours of a full time job is just too much in my opinion for a toddler. Almost everywhere is just trying to max out what insurance will pay and it just feels icky. I want my kid to have time to be a kid and not be drained of this kind of thing before they even start kindergarten., The way I see it is that there is.no harm in trying. Give the 40 hours a whirl. If he's tired and overwhelmed and etc, pull out your mama bear and pull it back. 
They may be experts, but you're his parent. You're an expert in him. As parents, our biggest job is to advocate for our kiddos in this. I would definitely give it a try, but don't be afraid to assert yourself if you need to., My daughter is 3 and can’t handle 1 hour per day, imagine 8 lol she hates therapy, We do 15 hours a week and it’s a lot on me because I don’t have free time during the week anymore. ABA has been helpful though. Since you are the parent, maybe ask if your child can work up to 40hrs a week ?, Go with what your mama heart is telling you! Seems like a lot for a 3 year old., So I have experience with 3 different Aba clinics. The first one suggested 20 hours a week. It was amazing and my daughter thrived there. Unfortunately the lady who ran it moved out of state and the center shut down due to being unable to find a replacement. I toured another clinic that suggested 8 hours a day. I got really bad vibes from that clinic so I decided not to put her in there. I was distraught as that was my only other option, but thankfully a new one has opened up in my city by a woman who has a son with asd. And it reminds me so much of the last clinic she went to and loved. They also recommended 4 hours a day. So she does half a day of school and half a day at aba., Full time work for a toddler? Nope., Every autistic adult I know says ABA is abuse., Take the advice you get here with a grain of salt. Many people are anti-ABA out of the gate based on what ABA might have been 20 years ago or based on nothing, really. The ""ABA is abuse"" and other blanket statement crowd without much to back it up.


The most important thing is the individual clinic you deal with. Do their values align with yours? Does your kiddo like going, does he or she have fun? Do they like their therapists? Is your child achieving developmental goals they weren't before? Is your child learning new things?


Every day has the same number of hours whether your child is at home, in daycare, or doing ABA. If they benefit from and enjoy ABA, then that's the right thing for them to be doing. Daycare is really unstructured and typically doesn't have the resources or capacity to help your kid achieve their goals.


Wishing you and your family all the best, [deleted], The place I’m working with recommended 30 hours a week but since he’s in daycare, they’ll do doing it at the daycare. He’ll have individual activities with them but they’ll also be able to observe him in a group setting and work with him while he’s in the group. I’m so happy to see this comment amongst several negative because I’m actually  really looking forward to him getting started next week, Wow that sounds amazing thanks for sharing, This is similar to my experience as well! It’s been amazing but I will say it’s totally dependent on the place. My husband and I work full time so my daughter has to be in some kind of care all day anyway. When I found our place I knew I’d rather have her here with 1-1 care all day than anywhere else. They recommended 40 hours a week and that works for us, but there are plenty of kids there that do less / partial days so they are flexible.

 Our clinic goes above and beyond to create a child-led atmosphere that is more like a preschool for kids with autism than anything hardcore. Yes it’s aba, but there’s plenty of downtime and they rotate daily activities. They have a huge sensory gym (swings, slide, ball pit, etc), a quiet sensory room, arts and crafts room where they have free art and a craft they do everyday, sensory / water play, circle time, adaptive skills and personal care (potty training / teeth brushing etc). And they tailor every kids goals and plans individually. Parents are also encouraged to attend part of the day once a week to observe and learn while joining the session. They throw birthday parties and holiday parties. 

My daughter has learned to use her AAC device there, improved her receptive language skills, social skills, eye contact. The list goes on and on. Again this might sound more like a raving review for our specific clinic, but my advice would be know there’s all kinds of care out there and different aba styles so keep researching and find what fits for your family!  , Are all these free in the states? In my country, no way ABA is free. Insurance also doesn't cover any of these therapies, sadly.., Totally agree with what everyone else is saying about insurance but also I find it odd that the director was saying that and not a BCBA after an assessment of your individual child. 40 hours isn’t a blanket need., Thanks for sharing.

Yes there definitely is a clear ""8 hours of course!"" perspective at all the places i toured. But some also conveyed that theyll pay attention to the kid and adjust to whatever works.

Maybe they have a bunch of success stories based in 8? But yeah its a lot, Seems all ABA places jump to 8 as the plan

But u said he also was in daycare? Some kids are in daycare for 9 hours while parents work 🤔, Awesome glad he is doing well, Exactly this. It’s not like they drill them for 40 hours., My daughter will start soon and it's just like her daycare except more individual attention. Her daycare does table activities circle time etc. She actually enjoys table activities and the structure is good. She's done well in her school so I know she'll enjoy the center. We aren't starting with fulltime to ease the transition plus she loves her current teachers. I think she'll do really well but if she doesn't like it we'll just dump them lol, Interesting!! Lot to think about.

They have commented that ""oh if we stick with 6 then later want to go to 8, maybe insurance wont approve at that time"" which just seems like BS 🤔

2 hours as a gold standard 😯 is very different than what i heard at the 4 places we toured

Thing is, another variable, is they insisted it eill be vast majority play based ""NET"" or floor time. Not drills really. And thats what i saw so i believe that for sure.

And there are two per month 1 hour parent-BCBA one on one meetings to help parents learn/implement/discuss., Yeah what about nap time? These kids need a nap, 3 year olds sometimes (many times) do need a nap. And a 2 year old almost always!, If your child has autism level 1 I don’t think ABA is needed, I didn’t do ABA AT ALL. I went from non verbal to very functional in a matter of a few years as well, And I do think ABA is good for things like fecal smearing, hitting, biting, pinching, pushing etc. if it isn’t that I don’t think it’s really vital, I wouldn’t call them deficits I’d say challenges., That’s what we did, So theyre at an ABA clinic basically 40 hours a week? And the ABA clinic soes some speech OT too? Sounds similar to what my clinic plans.

Have you seen ABA help your kids?, Same, Thanks for sharing.

Csn you share more about how you got comfortable with the amount of hours? Or what changes you saw in your kid/how u knew if it was not too much time for him?, Well it is sn ABA clinic. So itd be completely with them. Some options for ST or OT during the week. But weve done ST and OT a lot over years and dont care to peioritize it anymore.

One thing they talked about is ""NET"" vs ""DTT"" and said it would be vast majority ""NET"" i.e. play based maybe another term for it., See I had Ot and ST. So doing Aba next to that would’ve been useless haha. I never had it (level 1) but used to be level 2. Doing fine, Not true. We Mimic other kids. I am autistic and my pattern recognition is impeccable., Not being potty trained at 3-4 can actually be very normal for even some neurotypical kids, studies have come out about this people, This. Speech and occupational therapies are where it’s at. They teach SO much and really cover most areas autistic kids need help with., Yes hes done preschool. And he has done OT, PT, ST, DT (early intervention in state) for over a year and a half. With little to nothing to show for it.

And its hard for me to take seriously the accusation that ABA is abuse. I toured many places. I saw kids with their ""technicians"". It was all gentle, all ""child led"". Made me wonder if it was different at all from preschool if anything. Not a hint of ""abuse""

More i read your comment the more pandering, condescending, out of touch i find it. My son has global delays. He needs help. You act like ive never taken him to a park or had him ""play with textures"" as if that would suddenly change things for him anyway 🙄 i have and continue to do that, While I don’t disagree with you on some points, I don’t fully agree with you either. Good ABA does incorporate many things you suggested, such as water play, discovering textures, sounds, movement, etc. So there is all of that when good ABA is implemented. I certainly agree that time for speech, OT, and other therapy needs to be included (and the OP may already be doing that) and that may mean that ABA hours need to be reduced. 

My best advice would be to start with what you are comfortable with as a parent. You can increase or decrease the hours as you see fit. You know your child best and if you feel that 8 hours a day is too much, then it probably is! You are in control and you get to have the decision making power, so don’t let anybody else tell you otherwise! Personally, my 3 year old still (ideally) naps on a daily basis, so his ABA is 4 hours in the morning and 2 in the afternoon. I understand that RBTs want to get as many hours as they can because they are trying to make a living of course, but what is best for your child in this period of life is what is most important. 

Also, to any parent out there, if you do have a RBT that is really amazing and making a difference in your child’s life, please make sure that you tell them!!! If you are able, maybe treat them with a coffee if gift card every once in a while, because the good ones really deserve it!!!! If you are not able, that is perfectly ok too, just be sure to acknowledge their hard work and how it has impacted your child and your family!, They need the nap, We have a meeting with them tomorrow and im really worried its gonna be a big conflict with them if we dont want to do 40 🙁, I believe that yes. From everything I’ve heard and watched on YouTube yes, Have you ever met a three year old who naps three times in one day?, Ours did morning 3 hours at daycare, afternoon session at home! It was a good mix since they could work on him playing with other kids, participating in songs, etc. at daycare., Definitely NOT free but it’s state by state as to whether or not it’s covered by your health insurance. In our state it has to be covered by your insurance up to 50 hrs a week i think. They made it a law the year my twins turned 18. We paid for as much private as we could afford which wasn’t enough, so we did the best we could. 20 years ago there was very little information out there and only Autism Speaks was online. My twins were lucky that their Godmother was a paraprofessional in a school district with enough money to have an Autism program., Ours was covered by a combo of insurance and Medicaid. With insurance we would have been responsible for one copay per day, so around $300-400 per month, but the place we used took Medicaid as secondary insurance, so it was free for us. Ironically the therapies he is in now, while covered by insurance, do not take Medicaid, so we’re out a lot more money ourselves until we hit our deductible., Oh we didn’t even make it far enough to get an assessment done. We took a tour first with the director and she made it very clear their company would not allow partial days. Definitely a shame, because we were otherwise very interested in the facility., If you're in the U.S., for insurance purposes, it's best to do the maximum amount of ABA therapy that you can do and scale back if necessary. If you only do 5-6 hours and see progress, so you want to add more hours, it then becomes a *huge* fight with insurance to get more. I speak from experience., Regardless of what they want to do, you know your child best, and you should be able to decide how much therapy is appropriate. I agree, 8 hours a day is like a full time job :(, Yes, 8 hours a day keeps them afloat financially. 

Daycare ≠ ABA. Daycare is fun, interactive with peers, and isn’t a strict schedule. ABA is solo, heavily supervised and meticulous therapy. Its work. Daycare is play. My son goes to daycare 6 hours a day, 5 days a week. That being said, he’s free to come home whenever he likes. But he’s always having fun so he usually just wants to stay and play. Daycare has actually helped a lot with schedule because he knows we get up, do our morning routine, go to daycare, play all day, come home, do dinner and nighttime routine. He really enjoys it.

We sometimes have to remind ourselves that yes, they have autism, but they’re also just kids. I just let my son be a kid. You’re only a kid for a few years, we have our whole lives to be serious adults., I'm a working mom so we had him in regular daycare until his diagnosis. No 1-on-1 attention, no meaningful stimulation etc. If he's going to be in a facility either way I'd choose ABA especially how it's run at our center. They don't drill them ever they incorporate the therapy into their play and the kids get individual attention. It's preferable to me than anything else., Well, once you realize the rate for RBT insurance reimbursement is about 80 dollars and hour (not including BCBA supervision) you’ll see they’re making about 166,000 per year per kid. And then they of course don’t reimburse the BT probably more than 25 (being generous here) unless they’re in a masters program. 

So yeah, that’s a pretty sweet set-up scummy ABA companies have going on for sure. It’s definitely in their best interest to bill, bill, bill and shoot for as many hours as possible, whether the kid needs them or not. 

Why drag it out for 8 hours? Why not do high-quality targeted DTT mixed with tons of fun and keep the interest and momentum there, for a couple hours, and then allow the child to actually you know have time to be a child. 

Your kid is making them wealthy so don’t be afraid to ask hard questions., I was nonverbal nearly until four years old and I don’t brag about it, I don’t even know if I had/have any neurodevelopmental dx , needless to say I never had any therapeutic intervention, A challenge doesn’t disable you, it challenges you. A deficit that prevents you to be autonomous does disable you. You can use whatever term you want but parents / legal guardians need appropriate terms to obtain federal and state disability benefits for their disabled children, Yes!  They do speech and OT there!  And it’s a playbased center. They clearly do work for like 2-4 minutes at a time and then play. They are so happy to go and their staff love them. We have noticed a huge help with ABA. I would honestly recommend it to anyone but make sure they find a place that is a good fit. 40 hours is honestly not as much as you think if you realize kids go to preschool for that long. My kids do circletime, peer play, lunch time, gross motor, art, fine motor, recess, etc.

Like…we are having playdates and being invited to birthday parties., Ok. For a preschooler play based aba sounds great. 8 hours is a bit much. I would ask if they could help train you to help them. So they incorporate you into there therapy. 

Then you will get insight into what is going on., By doing fine, I’m getting an associate degree in early childhood education. I drive, I have coworkers I talk to often, I have a job currently. I make decent money for a minimum wage job… I used to be a nanny and did well in that with select families. I am ordering my grad regalia tomorrow. I am working on my practicum project with “my kids”., I do not have a boyfriend or close friends I regularly hang with, Honestly I don’t know where the negativity about ABA comes from. Like you I have lost faith in speech therapy being helpful at all. My son has made tremendous progress through ABA and absolutely nothing from speech he’s had for close to 2 years. I don’t know about the need for 40 hours as my son only gets about 22 hours of ABA a week, but please don’t believe the negativity. If you find a good ABA clinic, it’s absolutely life changing., We should **listen to autistic people.**  They are better judges of what works and doesn't work, what is abusive and what is therapeutic.  The first article I linked was written by an autistic mother parenting an autistic child., Look, it’s all fun and games until you realize the techs are barely supervised, have hardly any experience and have several other clients simultaneously. Look at the r/ABA sub for some more information. I loved doing it as BT but after two hours with a kid I was done, and so were they. Asking them to do that 8 hours a day is crazy. Is it even the same person for 40 hours a week?, My daughter (5.5) made very little progress in speech and OT alone. She attends her ABA center 40 hours a week (with in-house OT and speech) and has made way more progress than before. She still has a long way to go, but she's a lot closer than she would have been without ABA. Our center allows naps as needed and outside medical appointments (like for PT, dentist, pediatrician, etc). There was a point where she was shutting down, so they increased the fun factor, and that fixed the issue. They're also great about letting her stim as long as it's not affecting her learning time at the table., The premise seems to be to train kids to act neurotypical the same way you would train a dog., Wow YouTube!? Such a scholar!, Yea, that’s what I’m really happy about. I work from home but it requires my workspace to be quiet, and while I would love to have him home, we’ve tried it and it just does not work. So he will be doing the individual also at daycare but I will be on zoom(which I can absolutely make work) for part of the day, every day I would like. I have to be on at least one time a week to discuss things I should implement at home and such. I’m just so happy I found somewhere that was totally willing to work with my schedule to keep me included while not having to miss a ton of work. Sometimes I wish there was a manual they gave us when we got the diagnosis. But unfortunately it doesn’t work that way😫 we’re left really just figuring it out on our own. But thank you for the uplifting comments, sometimes this sub can make me nervous for the future but there’s always little nuggets of hope mixed in. Thank you again 🫶, Oh really? 😯, Not all kids can do daycare., Exactly. My kids have been so catered to and accommodated and loved there. It’s been nothing but positive., we are a money racket that’s it huh, Dude. Bye, All cause we are a minority you’re doing this huh, We will have two 1-hour meetings a month one on one with the BCBA. The goal of to help the parents implement/support whats working at the clinic., All of the negativity of ABA comes from an echo chamber of people who have never done it and have never raised a child who needs it. Unfortunately, it can be taken as fact by a lot., It comes from autistic people.  We should be listening to them!  **Listen to adults who have autism!**

I am a certified special ed. teacher, trained in ABA techniques.   I wouldn't use it with my students and I would not allow it for my own autistic child., Aren’t most of us autistic adults or partners of autistic adults parenting autistic children?, It would certainly not be the same 1-on-1 person for all 40 hours. I think maybe split across 3 or possibly 4 people, not sure, Correct. Horrible, Just cause we are a minority doesn’t mean we should have to act like you. In fact autistic communication is so much better than Neurotypical communication cause it’s DIRECT, We also know other kids who went to those programs, I don't mean to scare you, but yes. It's why so many ABA therapy centers will recommend 40 hours to start. It's easier to get the most amount of time possible and then scale back as opposed to doing too little and realizing you need more. Forms need to be refilled, requests need to be made, and a lot of back and forth.

The center we eventually settled on for our child straight-up told us all of that. We balked at 40 hours to start, but they assured us that they would track his progress and reassess after two weeks. If he couldn't handle it, we'd scale back. Despite our trepidation, our son took to it well, and we were seeing results almost immediately.

But you know your kid best. I'm sure that whatever conclusion you come to, it's for their best., Once again stating what I did in my first reply: ABA works for some families., I can tell you from experience, those meetings are not enough. I do not learn much in those one hour meetings. It is a fine line. You do not want alienate the provider, but if you are able to do so, get more interaction. Just let them know, you are willing to meet more, participate once week (if able)., Or those who did it 30 years ago and got traumatized by it. I can’t imagine what it was like back then and I feel for them, but I’m not sure why they are hell bent on believing that it’s the same today., The negativity comes from people who have been negatively impacted by ABA -- autistic adults.  We should start listening to them!, I was a child many may have said needed it!!!! I wouldn’t do it with my kids., How old are these autistic people you speak of? I’m not convinced that the children today will have the same opinion, but we will have to wait 15 to 20 years to ask them. You can’t expect people to deny the evidence of their own eyes and experience regardless of what others feel about it. I can only speak to what it’s done for my child. And it was recommended and prescribed by both his pediatrician and developmental psychologist. I never even knew or heard of ABA before they mentioned it to me. And I’m so grateful that they did. I think it’s a disservice to children not to even consider it in this day and age. But, that’s just my opinion., My son is almost 5, speech delayed and has some behavioral issues, will throw stuff sometimes when he doesn’t get his way. He hasn’t had a diagnosis, but I believe he is autistic based on everything I’m seeing. What would you recommend? I haven’t put him in any services, really just trying to figure out where I should go from here., I’d also look on their indeed and glass door reviews. See what it’s like working there., I agree., Yeah exactly. It’s perfectly valid for them to say “hey, this was awful for me thirty years ago” but similarly to how my dad’s private school teacher gave him spankings. It’s not happening like that anymore. It sucked and that’s fine for you to speak about it but you can’t assume it’s the same., Yes, we do listen to them. 20 years ago, ABA was abusive. But it is a completely different practice nowadays much like many things including public school, private school and parenting practices.  Even the medicinal world.  It’s silly to assume anything is the same as it always was., That’s fine. Your personal choice is fine. I’m not judging you for it. But I don’t like when others judge me for my family’s choices.  I’m not harming my children and giving them tools they need to be successful and also functional., I was not even successful long term with speech and OT. How would ABA have done better? I have no friends now who are neurotypical and what feels like no life. All I have is my mother. What am I doing when she dies, I did social skills training by the way too, I don’t think any amount of therapy would make society not hate autistic people., That’s a them problem, I don’t agree, I don’t know. Give her tools she needs to be successful?, My kids are literally going to change the world in my eyes. 🤷🏻‍♀️, That’s your opinion but you also don’t see our life or what they do at ABA so you’re basing this entirely on your feelings., lol im pertaining to myself haha, My mom??, Good for you and them, Sorry, I thought you were talking about child. You have commented so many times, it’s hard to keep track of what you’re talking about., See where I state “I HAVE NOT been successful”, not really, You have spammed me with comments, it’s honestly hard to keep track and reply accordingly. I don’t even know what your argument is. You’re yelling me you didn’t get ABA but also aren’t successful and could have used it but wouldn’t put your child in it., My argument is “if you don’t have reassurance for me in any of these areas then I can have my vote on aba”, I don’t know you so I can’t say how you would have done., We did 30 hours a week for my son for 3 years and it was awesome—he loved it!! It was a full-time job for his THERAPISTS. It was not a full-time job for a 3 year old. As far as he knew they were playing trains and blowing bubbles. I was amazed at his progress—we had like 12-20 rotating goals at any given time, so they could incorporate one or two of them organically into what he already wanted to play. Stuff I never would have known to focus on individually. Prepositional phrases! Looking at where we’re pointing! Being able to pass a message to someone outside the room, holding a pencil… it was basically speech and OT but it was purely play for him. The therapists rotated so he knew them but no one got bored—two came per day for 3 hours each. He had four total that showed up in various order throughout the week. One was great at magnatiles, one could make anything out of play doh, they were all fun.

So this depends 100% on the quality of care and who is proving the therapy and what your goals are. But it was not like, drilling him academically all day. 

When he started he was 3 and he did not say any verbs, didn’t play with other kids, etc. He was basically caught up by kindergarten. He had an IEP for one year, graduated out of it. He takes speech and OT privately about twice a month.

So you should definitely do what you think is best, but I just wanted to chime in with a really good experience with intensive therapy. I still text those therapists little update photos. It was a real blessing for us to have them therapy him so we could PARENT him, if that makes sense., I recently toured an ABA clinic that also demanded 8 hours a day for my almost 3 year old. The director absolutely would not even consider anything less. She even hemmed and hawed about naps, saying it was an insurance issue so “maybe they could do 30 minutes.” My kid has also not been to school or daycare, ever. 

My husband and I decided to keep looking. To me, 8 hours a day is too much. We are going to either find something part-time or just focus on preschool next school year with additional private therapy. Even if the therapy is play based, I think that is too long of a day for him. Just my personal opinion, for my kid. Everyone’s kid and situation is different. But I would definitely be turned off by a program that will not adjust or work with you or your child whatsoever., I was also told this for my little guy, OP. At age 2. 

We decided against it. It’s essentially a full time job for a toddler. The stress impact on them would be exponential. I researched ABA strategies and did the ones that I thought would work for us at home, when he wasn’t in daycare. 

A year and a bit later, he’s starting to say some words, has calmed down a lot, and is a very happy boy. He still has many issues, is not toilet trained, doesn’t use language to communicate needs, etc. but his overall mental wellbeing has drastically improved. Most of what we did was exposure; to sounds, places, textures, etc. 

ABA works for some families, but 8 hours seems predatory. I’d get third and fourth opinions and delay it until he’s a bit older. IMO he’s far too young to be spending all day in a therapy room., My son is in 8 hrs a day 5 days a week and will be 3 in a month and is thriving and growing exponentially.  He's been in the program since the first of the year. He was totally nonverbal at 2.5 and is having a language explosion right now. Pointing at everything and naming everything he sees. It's been amazing for him, I just reduced my 3yo from 6.5hrs 5 days a week to 6.5hrs 3 days a week. He was far too exhausted and had frequent meltdowns at home and now he is doing *much* better., My kid is 3 and does 35 hours. It's like daycare except more stimulating. They incorporate his goals into his play and are constantly playing with him 1-on-1. It really depends on the center and how they approach the ABA but we're satisfied with our center. It's not work for him at all in fact he can't wait to ditch us at the door every day. He rotates who his fav therapist is at the time also LOL, I think that 8 hours is way too much. We're starting our son in a special needs preschool, but only 2.5 hours a day., My twins started at 2 and a half and they were going 30hrs a week at first and the clinic they were at for 2 years they just weren't progressing so I decided to put them into special education preschool program when that time came and do that half the day and tried a different clinic the other half of the day and they loved it and they progressed more in 2 months then they did in 2 years I was so blown away. it really does come down to the quality of care. The first clinic told me they couldn't accommodate less hours bc they believed they wouldn't progress b***h pls they progressed way more with less hours at another clinic. They are almost 7 now and go to school full time and have Paras with them the entire time they are progressing so much and they love it they also do so well when they visit their GE class it's so amazing how far they have come. Sorry for the long comment I just wanted to chime in with that., TRUST YOUR GUT. This would have been unthinkable ten years ago. They’re billing like mad and getting tons of cash for 40 hours a week. I wouldn’t go above two hours a day for my child even if they were a really tough case. The golden standard is 2 hours per day
IN-HOME and with parental participation- this gravy train of insurance reimbursements for insane hours and expectations of toddlers is going to be the nail in ABA’s coffin. 

Let me guess, if you don’t commit to that amount of hours, they’ll say they cannot provide services? 

I used to work in ABA, fyi, and I hate what the field has become. 

Are you even allowed to participate? How many clients does each BT have? Are there cameras? Naps? Are they a licensed ECE center? Parent training? How much training does their BT have? How long has their BCBA been at the clinic? How much outdoor play? How much time at the table doing drills? Would you want to be doing ABA for 8 hours a day as a 3 year old? 

I’d grill them like Korean BBQ before you start and be sure to watch for behavior changes that indicate they’re unhappy., It’s not really different than a toddler being in daycare for 8 hours a day. Just different activities and curriculum. He will still get play time, nap, lunch, etc., The reality is that a vast majority of ABA centers will demand 40 hours a week, and they do it because it obviously is the easiest way to account for a full time employee. Most centers have a minimum hour requirement and if they recommend 40 hours the least they will allow is 30, and some will say 20-25 only if your child is in school the rest of the day. I personally take issue with this extreme hour requirement, and it’s one of many reasons that my husband and I have opted not to go the ABA route. 

But also keep in mind that they can’t bill insurance for nap time, so many centers will practically make your child forego naps as much as possible. It’s another problematic issue with ABA.

Keep in mind that ABA is a huge money making business. You should stick to your instincts and only allow what you’re comfortable with., You know your kid best. 8 hours seems insane for a 3 year old., If your child has severe global deficits a dual program (in-home and center based) is not that bad. So he can have a morning block at home from 8am-12pm and another four hour block at the clinic, or viceversa. Plenty of time at home to master ADL such potty training, eating with utensils, teeth brushing, etc , then at the clinic work on social goals interacting with other children or more therapists , problem behaviors (if existing) etc. if your child is not seriously impacted 8 hours sounds overprescribed, I don’t think my daughter would be able to handle that.  She does 3 1/2 hours of daycare with some learning and then another 2 hours of an IPK ESE program.  She is worn out by the end of the day.  We also go to speech and OT two days a week before IPK and she has 30 minutes of language therapy during IPK one day a week.  She is so tired she’s ready for bed between 6 and 6:30 but she’s making so many improvements.  Try it out and see if it works for y’all., It’s like preschool. My kids do 40 hours a week and it’s literally no big deal. Not like they’re just doing work the whole time.  They play, get speech, OT, have breaks…it’s entirely reasonable., When we started aba we thought the hours were a but much but we built up to 6. 8 hours didnt work for us logistically. But our son never has had any issues and has thrived in aba., I shopped around until I found the ABA therapist willing to meet for the number of hours per week that I thought made sense for our family.

ABA therapy is a cash cow, since insurance companies are required under state law to cover it.  As a result, ABA therapists will insist on a certain number of hours.  I firmly believe that this primarily a business decision., Is it 40 hrs of aba? Or do they break it up with ot, st, classroom and play?, I was in a similar boat with my 3.5 yo daughter when we started ABA in October. They have a clinic that runs 9-3 pm, so they are there 6 hours a day. She was a Covid baby and had always been at home - never in any kind of daycare or anything. I was terrified that she wouldn’t be able to handle it, but we could tell she was bored at home and not getting the attention she needed while the adults were working. 
My daughter has absolutely blossomed and loves it there. She is in “school” where they do pre-k readiness activities in a small classroom in the morning, then lunch, then one on one play based therapy the rest of the day. It challenges her but she has a great time. Comes home happy and regulated and ready to snuggle on the couch for the evening., I think it really depends on the child. We were pressured into full time ABA therapy at first but we declined because we didn't feel like he needed full time therapy. He was also in an early childhood education class and that was going really well and we didn't want to take him out of that. I really like having the combination of school and therapy and by the time he starts kindergarten he will have 3 combined years of early childhood education and preschool. 

We found a company where we do about 12 hours of in home ABA therapy a week and have been happy with that. That was our comfort level with our child. He has problems with rigidity, routines, and transitions. I think if he had problems with putting himself in danger or harming anyone including himself then we may have elected to put him in more ABA. During the summer when he doesn't have school then we will probably have him do more than 12 hours but not that much more (maybe like 20)., I have read the notes from the techs that see my son for the day. They usually start with ""pair bonded over tickles"" or ""pair bonded over alphabet letters"" (my son loves letters) then they work on whatever goal like joint attention or following directions for a puzzle or cleaning up their toys. They are all reasonable about their expectations I have been told when he has managed to sit with the group for a while 15 minutes this time, he only needed a toy to hold. Or how he participated in group this time (something about putting a toy in the bracket during a song) and they are just as excited as me. 

It really is just 8 hours of playing while working/teaching them the skills they need. IIRC I heard that children with autism don't learn by mimicing like other children, they need to be taught. My son is now much better at following basic requests and holding hands for short times. I think he is making more eye contact/connecting with us more too.

I am doing speech and it but those are only for 30 min and 45 mins a week. He is getting lots of one-on-one attention at ABA where they can help him throughout the day when things pop up.

I still laugh when I think about the note that said that he threw himself on the ground (he was doing that for a while) after being asked to clean up his toys. He got up after 30 seconds and then put the toys up., So my daughter is level 2 not potty trained she is 3 and getting more verbal thankfully.  I was having the exact same dilemma a month ago.  She started 40 hour ABA on 3/5 so last week was her first full week.  She was in daycare 4 days a week for 6 hours a day previously.  She is exhausted when she gets home, I pick her up at 4 she’s in bed by 530.  I will say she can nap if she wants to but she’s so excited to be there that she just can’t sleep, I’m sure this will wear off.  She absolutely hands down loves going to school, that’s what we call it.  She used to cry at daycare drop off at least once a week, she doesn’t even look back when I take her to her new school.  The people there really love the kids and they don’t push them hard from what I can see.  It’s all play based and positive rewards.  

If I could’ve picked 7 hours a day I probably would’ve but it wasn’t an option.  My thought was let’s do this now so we are prepared for kindergarten and it’s less stressful for everyone.  I’m so relieved that she comes home happy, albeit exhausted. Everyone’s kiddo and experience is different but this has been mine.  Her daycare was not remotely equipped to handle her and it showed.  She was getting picked on already and now she’s just another kid at school, I used to cry after drop off because some of the kids comments were so horrible and it was addressed but kids say what they want, luckily my daughter didn’t give a hoot.  I’m so happy she found a place that she fits in and can be herself.  I hope this helps good luck, I would listen to your gut, if you think that's too much then it is. Just tell them no thank you. My kid did one to two hours a week in separate sessions that I attended and participated in fully with him, that worked really well for us as level 3 nonverbal, needing significant support. He's in 2nd grade gen ed now. More is just more sometimes, and does get billed as more, you have that pegged., No. Just no., I’m in the process of enrolling my son in ABA at the recommendation of his OT/ST providers. I’ve always been against ABA based on what I’ve heard from other parents and people who worked at ABA facilities. I called a ton of places in my area and they told me the same thing: long days, no naps and no outside therapy. My son had never been away from us. Like not even for a date night. So the long days would not work for us. But I did just find a place that was willing to start out small (like really small) and work up to more therapy hours AND let us keep our outside therapies. They would even let him come home for nap time! I still have to tour the facility and get the evaluation done, but the little bit of hope is nice, lol., Get him every ounce of therapies you can as early as you can., No. Too many hours., And a child potty training at 3-4 IS NOT LATE. Repeat after me, A FOUR YEAR OLD POTTY TRAINING AND BEING FULLY TRAINED IS NOT LATE, I really don't reccomend doing that much. Therapy is work. That is too much work for a little kid. The r/autism subreddit has a pinned post with autism therapies red flags and this is one of them, Aba centers are for profit, the bigger chain ones are worse and won’t be flexible with the hours. We hired a parent coach who is a bcba and worked at a few different aba therapy places and she shared that she left bcuz they were forcing her to over prescribe. She constantly battled them and would only prescribe what she thought the kiddos really needed which led to a lot of contention.  Just some food for thought, we have toured several aba places and they gave us the ick so we went another route.  Trust your instincts!, My daughter has been going to aba for 8 hours a day since she was a little over 2 she’s almost 4 now. She started off only going 3 hours a day per week and worked her way up to 40 hours per week. She’s nonverbal and she enjoys it and loves her RBTs that she has daily. Like most 3 year olds she does have her days but overall I feel it’s helped her tremendously with her communication and her ability to regulate better during tantrums. I was also concerned with her going for that many hours a week at first., No way!!  That's awful!  Like a full-time job for a toddler.  I would consider that abuse, honestly.  Those ABA clinics are making a shit ton of money off insurance companies.  They'll claim your child needs as much therapy as the insurance company is willing to pay.  They're trying to create obedient little robots.

I personally think daily ABA for even an hour might be too much.  He needs speech therapy, occupational therapy, maybe physical therapy.  He needs to play and explore.  He needs to go to library reading time or play time in the children's area.  He needs to play with water, and textures, and have opportunities to create.  He needs to spend time outside, at a playground, out in nature.

Is he in preschool, too?  He's a toddler.  Please let him be a child.

Edit to add links:

[https://autisticmama.com/even-new-aba-is-problematic/](https://autisticmama.com/even-new-aba-is-problematic/)

[https://autisticscienceperson.com/why-aba-therapy-is-harmful-to-autistic-people/](https://autisticscienceperson.com/why-aba-therapy-is-harmful-to-autistic-people/)

[https://fortune.com/2022/05/13/autistic-community-reckoning-aba-therapy-rights-autism-insurance-private-equity-ariana-cernius/](https://fortune.com/2022/05/13/autistic-community-reckoning-aba-therapy-rights-autism-insurance-private-equity-ariana-cernius/), Aba Tech here honestly in children like this it seems like unlimited acces for play time :) everything is child based and we usually just go with the flow, This is just one of the reasons why I hate ABA and can tell you it did nothing good for my son., It depends to me why they are suggesting it. If they have evaluated your child and felt like increasing his time would be helpful, I think it's okay to give it a try. We've toured and evaluated at one that was the first to recommend our daughter for 40 hours. Come to find out, they only ever recommended children for 40 hours, even school-aged children that were already acclimated into school. We politely declined. It sounds like after spending time with him, the team felt he could benefit from a full schedule., We were suggested 40 and did roughly 22 because that’s all we could configure to do but also had an hour and a half of ot/speech once a week. I thought it was perfect for us. And honestly he loved it so I’m sure he could have done more but we saw a ton of progress even with half the recommendation., As an RBT, I've only seen 1 case of a child being at ABA for 8 hours a day but that included 2 hour daily nap sessions since they were 3 years old. Even then, that was the parents pushing for the hours so they could go to work. They've since graduated to pre-K with no issues but my BCBAs don't push for hours that long without a nap, When we received our diagnosis (level 3, non-verbal) at just shy of two years old, the neurologist recommended 36 hours per week (as in she told me in person to my face, not just as a side note on some paperwork) and stressed how important it was to start early because of how plastic a young growing brain is. 
I had about the same reaction as you. It seemed like too much. We ended up with ABA at home that gradually increased to 36 hours over the course of a few months. It was fine. Most of the therapy was play interactions with frequent breaks from the goals for more play. 
At 3 she went to Pre-K in the morning with ABA at home in the afternoon. Eventually, she let us know without words that she was sick of ABA at home (almost like she wanted home as a safe space), and while the Pre-K was actually great, it was only 3 hours a day, 4 days a week with SO MANY days off for holidays and teacher training and  COVID breaks and whatever else. She was also sick SO often that it was like she was barely attending. The lack of routine made it very hard for her to transition back and forth. 
So at age 4 we started a clinic based full time program. 40 hours a week. None of the extended vacations. No months off during summer. I think she is doing great. She smiles when I drop her off and when I pick her up. I get photos and updates all day. I meet weekly by phone with her BCBA who keeps me up to date on her highs and lows. 
That being said, I don't have an identical kid to use as a control so I can't say for sure if progress is because of all the ABA or if it would have happened regardless. I can confidently say that she enjoys it most of the time, which I cannot say about her being at home all the time, no matter how many fun outings we go on. I just can't compare here (mostly because I am not willing to cover my entire house in shaving cream and paint and I don't have an assistant to help me set up foam parties and bubble busses and clean all the messes that result). 
I would say overall it has made everyone's life a bit better to have her there full time, despite some small hiccups here and there. I cannot say for sure that it would be right for your kiddo. Perhaps you can give it a shot and see? I am sure you will know if it's not ok pretty quickly. 
Also, I can say that the place we go to does have kids who nap and that it is NOT covered by insurance to have someone monitor them while they nap (which is required ). Those parents get billed separately for the nap hours., So I think you are looking at the time in the wrong way. Obviously every place will be a little different but the way my son’s therapy is set up is they live a day to day life. They read books, play outside and go to the park, go and walk around the grocery store(not to shop but to practice behavior in public places), sit together family style for breakfast lunch and snacks, sit and listen to music, and play with toys on top of lots of other things. To me it’s not different than dropping your kid off at daycare while working. Difference is in ABA your child has a one on one side kick for all the fun activities during the day! But with all that being said, if you don’t feel for 8 hours is right for your child you know better than them!! I toured several places and was kinda anti ABA but wanted to at least check it out to show I was doing my due diligence. Then I found where my son is at now. Changed my whole mind.

Edit : his place also sources out and brings a therapist in once a week for OT and once a week for speech, My kiddo does 6 hours a day, 5 days a week as well as preschool for 3 hours a day, 4 times a week. He loves it! Sometimes he does get tired but that usually just means he goes right to bed at bedtime instead of staying up to read/play. He has so much fun in ABA and is THRIVING., Hi! My 2.5 yr old was diagnosed in December and was doing ST/PT/OT 2x’s a week 30 min each through insurance and also ST/DT (1x’s a week/ 1 hr) through state early intervention since 15 months old as she had been diagnosed with global developmental delay around that time. She had been attending a play based daycare since April 2023 full time (8ish - 4:30ish).  She started ABA last month and we’ve already seen some changes. She does 30 hours a week as recommended by the clinic.  She seems to have a good time. We love to see the daily progress notes. We love that she is getting one on one attention. We are blessed that it’s covered by insurance as I am reading here it’s not covered by all insurances everywhere. 

If you think 8 hours is too much perhaps ask if you can do less. If they are not willing to consider less than look elsewhere.

Good luck !!, You don't owe an excuse to us for trying aba. Do what you think is best for your baby. Most clinics I see these days are no different then preschool really with circle time table time play time etc. I'm sure you're little one will love it and do great!, I work at a facility for young autistic kids and also have an autdhd son who is 7. Agreed with the people suggesting that 40 hours is like equivalent to a full time job. It’s easier to schedule therapies during the school day. The time spent in direct therapy work will be much smaller than the 8 hour work day. Take away half hour for lunch, 1 hour for recess, and 2 hours for nap, and you only have 4.5 hours of “instruction” each day. Take away 2 more hours of cumulative informal playtime and you have 2.5 hours of “instruction” each day. Take away an hour each day for ot/pt/slp therapy time and you get 1.5 hours of direct “instruction.” Put in two diaper changes and snack time into the schedule and you get 1 hour left of instructional time. Put in circle time, a craft, and an exploratory activity for that final hour, and your 8 hours are all spent. Your kid will be fine with that routine. You will be able to make adjustments if necessary, but 8 will benefit him in the long run, especially when you look at preschool and kindergarten readiness., I personally refuse to do such a high number of hours. Even if the child isn't doing ""academic"" work, they still have to be on. The equivalent hours of a full time job is just too much in my opinion for a toddler. Almost everywhere is just trying to max out what insurance will pay and it just feels icky. I want my kid to have time to be a kid and not be drained of this kind of thing before they even start kindergarten., The way I see it is that there is.no harm in trying. Give the 40 hours a whirl. If he's tired and overwhelmed and etc, pull out your mama bear and pull it back. 
They may be experts, but you're his parent. You're an expert in him. As parents, our biggest job is to advocate for our kiddos in this. I would definitely give it a try, but don't be afraid to assert yourself if you need to., My daughter is 3 and can’t handle 1 hour per day, imagine 8 lol she hates therapy, We do 15 hours a week and it’s a lot on me because I don’t have free time during the week anymore. ABA has been helpful though. Since you are the parent, maybe ask if your child can work up to 40hrs a week ?, Go with what your mama heart is telling you! Seems like a lot for a 3 year old., So I have experience with 3 different Aba clinics. The first one suggested 20 hours a week. It was amazing and my daughter thrived there. Unfortunately the lady who ran it moved out of state and the center shut down due to being unable to find a replacement. I toured another clinic that suggested 8 hours a day. I got really bad vibes from that clinic so I decided not to put her in there. I was distraught as that was my only other option, but thankfully a new one has opened up in my city by a woman who has a son with asd. And it reminds me so much of the last clinic she went to and loved. They also recommended 4 hours a day. So she does half a day of school and half a day at aba., Full time work for a toddler? Nope., Every autistic adult I know says ABA is abuse., Take the advice you get here with a grain of salt. Many people are anti-ABA out of the gate based on what ABA might have been 20 years ago or based on nothing, really. The ""ABA is abuse"" and other blanket statement crowd without much to back it up.


The most important thing is the individual clinic you deal with. Do their values align with yours? Does your kiddo like going, does he or she have fun? Do they like their therapists? Is your child achieving developmental goals they weren't before? Is your child learning new things?


Every day has the same number of hours whether your child is at home, in daycare, or doing ABA. If they benefit from and enjoy ABA, then that's the right thing for them to be doing. Daycare is really unstructured and typically doesn't have the resources or capacity to help your kid achieve their goals.


Wishing you and your family all the best, [deleted], The place I’m working with recommended 30 hours a week but since he’s in daycare, they’ll do doing it at the daycare. He’ll have individual activities with them but they’ll also be able to observe him in a group setting and work with him while he’s in the group. I’m so happy to see this comment amongst several negative because I’m actually  really looking forward to him getting started next week, Wow that sounds amazing thanks for sharing, This is similar to my experience as well! It’s been amazing but I will say it’s totally dependent on the place. My husband and I work full time so my daughter has to be in some kind of care all day anyway. When I found our place I knew I’d rather have her here with 1-1 care all day than anywhere else. They recommended 40 hours a week and that works for us, but there are plenty of kids there that do less / partial days so they are flexible.

 Our clinic goes above and beyond to create a child-led atmosphere that is more like a preschool for kids with autism than anything hardcore. Yes it’s aba, but there’s plenty of downtime and they rotate daily activities. They have a huge sensory gym (swings, slide, ball pit, etc), a quiet sensory room, arts and crafts room where they have free art and a craft they do everyday, sensory / water play, circle time, adaptive skills and personal care (potty training / teeth brushing etc). And they tailor every kids goals and plans individually. Parents are also encouraged to attend part of the day once a week to observe and learn while joining the session. They throw birthday parties and holiday parties. 

My daughter has learned to use her AAC device there, improved her receptive language skills, social skills, eye contact. The list goes on and on. Again this might sound more like a raving review for our specific clinic, but my advice would be know there’s all kinds of care out there and different aba styles so keep researching and find what fits for your family!  , Are all these free in the states? In my country, no way ABA is free. Insurance also doesn't cover any of these therapies, sadly.., Totally agree with what everyone else is saying about insurance but also I find it odd that the director was saying that and not a BCBA after an assessment of your individual child. 40 hours isn’t a blanket need., Thanks for sharing.

Yes there definitely is a clear ""8 hours of course!"" perspective at all the places i toured. But some also conveyed that theyll pay attention to the kid and adjust to whatever works.

Maybe they have a bunch of success stories based in 8? But yeah its a lot, Seems all ABA places jump to 8 as the plan

But u said he also was in daycare? Some kids are in daycare for 9 hours while parents work 🤔, Awesome glad he is doing well, Exactly this. It’s not like they drill them for 40 hours., My daughter will start soon and it's just like her daycare except more individual attention. Her daycare does table activities circle time etc. She actually enjoys table activities and the structure is good. She's done well in her school so I know she'll enjoy the center. We aren't starting with fulltime to ease the transition plus she loves her current teachers. I think she'll do really well but if she doesn't like it we'll just dump them lol, Interesting!! Lot to think about.

They have commented that ""oh if we stick with 6 then later want to go to 8, maybe insurance wont approve at that time"" which just seems like BS 🤔

2 hours as a gold standard 😯 is very different than what i heard at the 4 places we toured

Thing is, another variable, is they insisted it eill be vast majority play based ""NET"" or floor time. Not drills really. And thats what i saw so i believe that for sure.

And there are two per month 1 hour parent-BCBA one on one meetings to help parents learn/implement/discuss., Yeah what about nap time? These kids need a nap, 3 year olds sometimes (many times) do need a nap. And a 2 year old almost always!, If your child has autism level 1 I don’t think ABA is needed, I didn’t do ABA AT ALL. I went from non verbal to very functional in a matter of a few years as well, And I do think ABA is good for things like fecal smearing, hitting, biting, pinching, pushing etc. if it isn’t that I don’t think it’s really vital, I wouldn’t call them deficits I’d say challenges., That’s what we did, So theyre at an ABA clinic basically 40 hours a week? And the ABA clinic soes some speech OT too? Sounds similar to what my clinic plans.

Have you seen ABA help your kids?, Same, Thanks for sharing.

Csn you share more about how you got comfortable with the amount of hours? Or what changes you saw in your kid/how u knew if it was not too much time for him?, Well it is sn ABA clinic. So itd be completely with them. Some options for ST or OT during the week. But weve done ST and OT a lot over years and dont care to peioritize it anymore.

One thing they talked about is ""NET"" vs ""DTT"" and said it would be vast majority ""NET"" i.e. play based maybe another term for it., See I had Ot and ST. So doing Aba next to that would’ve been useless haha. I never had it (level 1) but used to be level 2. Doing fine, Not true. We Mimic other kids. I am autistic and my pattern recognition is impeccable., Not being potty trained at 3-4 can actually be very normal for even some neurotypical kids, studies have come out about this people, This. Speech and occupational therapies are where it’s at. They teach SO much and really cover most areas autistic kids need help with., Yes hes done preschool. And he has done OT, PT, ST, DT (early intervention in state) for over a year and a half. With little to nothing to show for it.

And its hard for me to take seriously the accusation that ABA is abuse. I toured many places. I saw kids with their ""technicians"". It was all gentle, all ""child led"". Made me wonder if it was different at all from preschool if anything. Not a hint of ""abuse""

More i read your comment the more pandering, condescending, out of touch i find it. My son has global delays. He needs help. You act like ive never taken him to a park or had him ""play with textures"" as if that would suddenly change things for him anyway 🙄 i have and continue to do that, While I don’t disagree with you on some points, I don’t fully agree with you either. Good ABA does incorporate many things you suggested, such as water play, discovering textures, sounds, movement, etc. So there is all of that when good ABA is implemented. I certainly agree that time for speech, OT, and other therapy needs to be included (and the OP may already be doing that) and that may mean that ABA hours need to be reduced. 

My best advice would be to start with what you are comfortable with as a parent. You can increase or decrease the hours as you see fit. You know your child best and if you feel that 8 hours a day is too much, then it probably is! You are in control and you get to have the decision making power, so don’t let anybody else tell you otherwise! Personally, my 3 year old still (ideally) naps on a daily basis, so his ABA is 4 hours in the morning and 2 in the afternoon. I understand that RBTs want to get as many hours as they can because they are trying to make a living of course, but what is best for your child in this period of life is what is most important. 

Also, to any parent out there, if you do have a RBT that is really amazing and making a difference in your child’s life, please make sure that you tell them!!! If you are able, maybe treat them with a coffee if gift card every once in a while, because the good ones really deserve it!!!! If you are not able, that is perfectly ok too, just be sure to acknowledge their hard work and how it has impacted your child and your family!, They need the nap, We have a meeting with them tomorrow and im really worried its gonna be a big conflict with them if we dont want to do 40 🙁, I believe that yes. From everything I’ve heard and watched on YouTube yes, Have you ever met a three year old who naps three times in one day?, Ours did morning 3 hours at daycare, afternoon session at home! It was a good mix since they could work on him playing with other kids, participating in songs, etc. at daycare., Definitely NOT free but it’s state by state as to whether or not it’s covered by your health insurance. In our state it has to be covered by your insurance up to 50 hrs a week i think. They made it a law the year my twins turned 18. We paid for as much private as we could afford which wasn’t enough, so we did the best we could. 20 years ago there was very little information out there and only Autism Speaks was online. My twins were lucky that their Godmother was a paraprofessional in a school district with enough money to have an Autism program., Ours was covered by a combo of insurance and Medicaid. With insurance we would have been responsible for one copay per day, so around $300-400 per month, but the place we used took Medicaid as secondary insurance, so it was free for us. Ironically the therapies he is in now, while covered by insurance, do not take Medicaid, so we’re out a lot more money ourselves until we hit our deductible., Oh we didn’t even make it far enough to get an assessment done. We took a tour first with the director and she made it very clear their company would not allow partial days. Definitely a shame, because we were otherwise very interested in the facility., If you're in the U.S., for insurance purposes, it's best to do the maximum amount of ABA therapy that you can do and scale back if necessary. If you only do 5-6 hours and see progress, so you want to add more hours, it then becomes a *huge* fight with insurance to get more. I speak from experience., Regardless of what they want to do, you know your child best, and you should be able to decide how much therapy is appropriate. I agree, 8 hours a day is like a full time job :(, Yes, 8 hours a day keeps them afloat financially. 

Daycare ≠ ABA. Daycare is fun, interactive with peers, and isn’t a strict schedule. ABA is solo, heavily supervised and meticulous therapy. Its work. Daycare is play. My son goes to daycare 6 hours a day, 5 days a week. That being said, he’s free to come home whenever he likes. But he’s always having fun so he usually just wants to stay and play. Daycare has actually helped a lot with schedule because he knows we get up, do our morning routine, go to daycare, play all day, come home, do dinner and nighttime routine. He really enjoys it.

We sometimes have to remind ourselves that yes, they have autism, but they’re also just kids. I just let my son be a kid. You’re only a kid for a few years, we have our whole lives to be serious adults., I'm a working mom so we had him in regular daycare until his diagnosis. No 1-on-1 attention, no meaningful stimulation etc. If he's going to be in a facility either way I'd choose ABA especially how it's run at our center. They don't drill them ever they incorporate the therapy into their play and the kids get individual attention. It's preferable to me than anything else., Well, once you realize the rate for RBT insurance reimbursement is about 80 dollars and hour (not including BCBA supervision) you’ll see they’re making about 166,000 per year per kid. And then they of course don’t reimburse the BT probably more than 25 (being generous here) unless they’re in a masters program. 

So yeah, that’s a pretty sweet set-up scummy ABA companies have going on for sure. It’s definitely in their best interest to bill, bill, bill and shoot for as many hours as possible, whether the kid needs them or not. 

Why drag it out for 8 hours? Why not do high-quality targeted DTT mixed with tons of fun and keep the interest and momentum there, for a couple hours, and then allow the child to actually you know have time to be a child. 

Your kid is making them wealthy so don’t be afraid to ask hard questions., I was nonverbal nearly until four years old and I don’t brag about it, I don’t even know if I had/have any neurodevelopmental dx , needless to say I never had any therapeutic intervention, A challenge doesn’t disable you, it challenges you. A deficit that prevents you to be autonomous does disable you. You can use whatever term you want but parents / legal guardians need appropriate terms to obtain federal and state disability benefits for their disabled children, Yes!  They do speech and OT there!  And it’s a playbased center. They clearly do work for like 2-4 minutes at a time and then play. They are so happy to go and their staff love them. We have noticed a huge help with ABA. I would honestly recommend it to anyone but make sure they find a place that is a good fit. 40 hours is honestly not as much as you think if you realize kids go to preschool for that long. My kids do circletime, peer play, lunch time, gross motor, art, fine motor, recess, etc.

Like…we are having playdates and being invited to birthday parties., Ok. For a preschooler play based aba sounds great. 8 hours is a bit much. I would ask if they could help train you to help them. So they incorporate you into there therapy. 

Then you will get insight into what is going on., By doing fine, I’m getting an associate degree in early childhood education. I drive, I have coworkers I talk to often, I have a job currently. I make decent money for a minimum wage job… I used to be a nanny and did well in that with select families. I am ordering my grad regalia tomorrow. I am working on my practicum project with “my kids”., I do not have a boyfriend or close friends I regularly hang with, Honestly I don’t know where the negativity about ABA comes from. Like you I have lost faith in speech therapy being helpful at all. My son has made tremendous progress through ABA and absolutely nothing from speech he’s had for close to 2 years. I don’t know about the need for 40 hours as my son only gets about 22 hours of ABA a week, but please don’t believe the negativity. If you find a good ABA clinic, it’s absolutely life changing., We should **listen to autistic people.**  They are better judges of what works and doesn't work, what is abusive and what is therapeutic.  The first article I linked was written by an autistic mother parenting an autistic child., Look, it’s all fun and games until you realize the techs are barely supervised, have hardly any experience and have several other clients simultaneously. Look at the r/ABA sub for some more information. I loved doing it as BT but after two hours with a kid I was done, and so were they. Asking them to do that 8 hours a day is crazy. Is it even the same person for 40 hours a week?, My daughter (5.5) made very little progress in speech and OT alone. She attends her ABA center 40 hours a week (with in-house OT and speech) and has made way more progress than before. She still has a long way to go, but she's a lot closer than she would have been without ABA. Our center allows naps as needed and outside medical appointments (like for PT, dentist, pediatrician, etc). There was a point where she was shutting down, so they increased the fun factor, and that fixed the issue. They're also great about letting her stim as long as it's not affecting her learning time at the table., The premise seems to be to train kids to act neurotypical the same way you would train a dog., Wow YouTube!? Such a scholar!, Yea, that’s what I’m really happy about. I work from home but it requires my workspace to be quiet, and while I would love to have him home, we’ve tried it and it just does not work. So he will be doing the individual also at daycare but I will be on zoom(which I can absolutely make work) for part of the day, every day I would like. I have to be on at least one time a week to discuss things I should implement at home and such. I’m just so happy I found somewhere that was totally willing to work with my schedule to keep me included while not having to miss a ton of work. Sometimes I wish there was a manual they gave us when we got the diagnosis. But unfortunately it doesn’t work that way😫 we’re left really just figuring it out on our own. But thank you for the uplifting comments, sometimes this sub can make me nervous for the future but there’s always little nuggets of hope mixed in. Thank you again 🫶, Oh really? 😯, Not all kids can do daycare., Exactly. My kids have been so catered to and accommodated and loved there. It’s been nothing but positive., we are a money racket that’s it huh, Dude. Bye, All cause we are a minority you’re doing this huh, We will have two 1-hour meetings a month one on one with the BCBA. The goal of to help the parents implement/support whats working at the clinic., All of the negativity of ABA comes from an echo chamber of people who have never done it and have never raised a child who needs it. Unfortunately, it can be taken as fact by a lot., It comes from autistic people.  We should be listening to them!  **Listen to adults who have autism!**

I am a certified special ed. teacher, trained in ABA techniques.   I wouldn't use it with my students and I would not allow it for my own autistic child., Aren’t most of us autistic adults or partners of autistic adults parenting autistic children?, It would certainly not be the same 1-on-1 person for all 40 hours. I think maybe split across 3 or possibly 4 people, not sure, Correct. Horrible, Just cause we are a minority doesn’t mean we should have to act like you. In fact autistic communication is so much better than Neurotypical communication cause it’s DIRECT, We also know other kids who went to those programs, I don't mean to scare you, but yes. It's why so many ABA therapy centers will recommend 40 hours to start. It's easier to get the most amount of time possible and then scale back as opposed to doing too little and realizing you need more. Forms need to be refilled, requests need to be made, and a lot of back and forth.

The center we eventually settled on for our child straight-up told us all of that. We balked at 40 hours to start, but they assured us that they would track his progress and reassess after two weeks. If he couldn't handle it, we'd scale back. Despite our trepidation, our son took to it well, and we were seeing results almost immediately.

But you know your kid best. I'm sure that whatever conclusion you come to, it's for their best., Once again stating what I did in my first reply: ABA works for some families., I can tell you from experience, those meetings are not enough. I do not learn much in those one hour meetings. It is a fine line. You do not want alienate the provider, but if you are able to do so, get more interaction. Just let them know, you are willing to meet more, participate once week (if able)., Or those who did it 30 years ago and got traumatized by it. I can’t imagine what it was like back then and I feel for them, but I’m not sure why they are hell bent on believing that it’s the same today., The negativity comes from people who have been negatively impacted by ABA -- autistic adults.  We should start listening to them!, I was a child many may have said needed it!!!! I wouldn’t do it with my kids., How old are these autistic people you speak of? I’m not convinced that the children today will have the same opinion, but we will have to wait 15 to 20 years to ask them. You can’t expect people to deny the evidence of their own eyes and experience regardless of what others feel about it. I can only speak to what it’s done for my child. And it was recommended and prescribed by both his pediatrician and developmental psychologist. I never even knew or heard of ABA before they mentioned it to me. And I’m so grateful that they did. I think it’s a disservice to children not to even consider it in this day and age. But, that’s just my opinion., My son is almost 5, speech delayed and has some behavioral issues, will throw stuff sometimes when he doesn’t get his way. He hasn’t had a diagnosis, but I believe he is autistic based on everything I’m seeing. What would you recommend? I haven’t put him in any services, really just trying to figure out where I should go from here., I’d also look on their indeed and glass door reviews. See what it’s like working there., I agree., Yeah exactly. It’s perfectly valid for them to say “hey, this was awful for me thirty years ago” but similarly to how my dad’s private school teacher gave him spankings. It’s not happening like that anymore. It sucked and that’s fine for you to speak about it but you can’t assume it’s the same., Yes, we do listen to them. 20 years ago, ABA was abusive. But it is a completely different practice nowadays much like many things including public school, private school and parenting practices.  Even the medicinal world.  It’s silly to assume anything is the same as it always was., That’s fine. Your personal choice is fine. I’m not judging you for it. But I don’t like when others judge me for my family’s choices.  I’m not harming my children and giving them tools they need to be successful and also functional., I was not even successful long term with speech and OT. How would ABA have done better? I have no friends now who are neurotypical and what feels like no life. All I have is my mother. What am I doing when she dies, I did social skills training by the way too, I don’t think any amount of therapy would make society not hate autistic people., That’s a them problem, I don’t agree, I don’t know. Give her tools she needs to be successful?, My kids are literally going to change the world in my eyes. 🤷🏻‍♀️, That’s your opinion but you also don’t see our life or what they do at ABA so you’re basing this entirely on your feelings., lol im pertaining to myself haha, My mom??, Good for you and them, Sorry, I thought you were talking about child. You have commented so many times, it’s hard to keep track of what you’re talking about., See where I state “I HAVE NOT been successful”, not really, You have spammed me with comments, it’s honestly hard to keep track and reply accordingly. I don’t even know what your argument is. You’re yelling me you didn’t get ABA but also aren’t successful and could have used it but wouldn’t put your child in it., My argument is “if you don’t have reassurance for me in any of these areas then I can have my vote on aba”, I don’t know you so I can’t say how you would have done.",Treatment,ABA Therapy
"Hi, for those of you with little ones on the spectrum did you go the full time ABA route or put right into district? My son is almost 4 and completely non verbal. 

I’m considering just placing him in full time ABA. They specifically said they would help potty train him and work with food aversions.

The district isn’t able to accommodate that.

The break in the summer is also concerning me. The ESY is 8:30-12:30 July 5-Aug 15.","When our son was in SpEd preschool it was only about 3 hours a day. He did the morning session there and then had ABA at home in the afternoon.

Now that he’s in kinder he has a district provided 1:1 at school, and has ABA with him at his after school program.

All to mean I don’t think you have to pick either/or. You don’t have to agree to the amount of hours ABA is recommending (ie if they are recommending full time). If they push on that you can ask for clinical reasoning as to why he requires so many hours., This doesn’t sound like the district is offering enough support. Where are you - you may be able to get more informed responses by posting this.

My nonverbal child goes to CPSE (3-5yo special ed school) in our New York district. They are accommodating of his not being potty trained, and he receives 1:1 therapy sessions on the grounds on top of the special ed teachers. 

ABA-centric options are usually recommended for kids that have a higher degree if behavioral problems and/ or are less responsive to group participation options.

If you’re in America, you should be assessed by district therapists and the recommended option will be laid out.

Good luck!, My 7 yr old (also non verbal) has been in full time aba since he was 3. He’ll stay there as long as insurance will pay for it., In our previous state ABA providers all age out at 5 when the state funding ends, and it we were waitlisted from diagnosis at 2 right until she aged out at 5. So a day program and early sped preschool were our only options. While we loved her teacher and preschool, they really couldn't accommodate her because of meltdowns around her youtube obsession. The teacher worked with us on allowing her to bring a device, teaching her to relinquish it and work during ""breaks"" from it, then transitioned her to a school provided device then she mysteriously started having constant meltdowns and getting sent home early from a 2.5hr school day again. Months later we find out at the IEP meeting the teacher was overruled (""she's here to learn, not use devices!"") and nobody told us, and nobody questioned that !#$%!#@ about how is she learning by just melting down and getting sent home? Then for kindergarten they said she needs 1 on 1 (I agree) and couldn't accommodate her and wanted to send out of district to a federal setting IV that was completely out of the question.

So we moved across the country just to gain access to ABA and they've actually been able to work with her and she's made a lot of progress. Regarding the phone use they allowed it and tapered it down to no use all day, and the last 3 days she's been handing them over to me at dropoff. The school system would have never cooperated on that and ""meeting her where she is"". We plan to leave her in ABA full time until we can get her into a dedicated autism school., Hi! Teacher here with a preverbal, Level 3 cutie patootie. We prefer the ABA route to the district school. Our district simply cannot provide the same level of services. The speech and OT crew has to see so many students in the district, we worry that our Gremlin will fall through the cracks. I think you may have to go visit the school sites and reach out to teachers. How consistent is the faculty? What do they do while at school? Is it just glorified day care? The special Ed teacher at my school strongly recommended ABA before sending him to school. She believes that having the community skills in place will help with the academics later. 
Feel free to reach out to me if you need help reading between the lines of what teachers say. Teachers, not administrators! They may care but they are rarely in the classrooms., God I wish this was available near us. There are waitlists for ABA but nothing like an actual center., We have done part time aba , a few hours per day 2-3 time per week and full time school, SpEd preschool was what changed my son from nonverbal, to verbal, speaking short sentences and potty trained. He got speech and OT there too. ABA in the mornings before school. I felt preschool did a lot more for him than ABA does, but I'm having him do ABA too so he can get as much help as he is medically eligible for., They change his diaper no problem, but they aren’t offering assistance with potty training like an ABA center would. He also is pretty particular with food, and needs more support with feedings.

EDIT I am in NJ.

What are the summer hours of the program your child goes to?, Is the center willing to work with him after 7? My son is in the district pre k now but we are struggling to be able to work. With the hours and amount of breaks it’s impossible., My center will yes, but it’s also a non profit and I’m learning that’s like a unicorn in the aba world., I really think that you need an advocate. 

They're required by law to meet your son's needs. If this is a public school, that means that potty training should be a goal for him. Wiping himself, hand washing, other hygiene goals as needed. 

Feeding is absolutely a therapy goal - possibly private OT. 

If that's not a battle you want to wage, though.. completely understandable. It's exhausting., Have you been assessed by CPSE and had a variety of options offered to you? 

My son is in a full day program that has a 6 week summer program, I have had many unfounded CPS claims due to a vindictive ex. I would rather put him somewhere that is able to begin meeting his needs at present. I don’t think the district is really doing that. I’m afraid if I begin the battle, the school would retaliate.",Treatment,Education
"So, right off the bat, I have to say I think that behaviorism is awful for a lot of autistic kids, mine included. As it’s intended to work, it basically coerces them into performing specific actions through dog-training techniques without promoting any kind of intrinsic motivation, understanding, or true learning. I understand there may be people who CAN learn and benefit from this method, but again, my kid is not one of them.

But I am beyond exhausted — physically, mentally, and emotionally. It takes pretty much constant work just to keep my kid alive and our house in a livable state. I try, but I cannot seem to meaningfully engage her much or teach her anything at all. All she likes is eating, TV, and climbing/jumping on everything in the house and destroying things. (Yes, we’ve tried all kinds of sensory activities, trampoline, swing, etc etc — but if she’s interested in any of them, it’s for about 30 seconds max.) So there’s a LOT of redirecting and doing physically taxing, very repetitive activities, following nights of very little sleep. And I feel like I just don’t have it in me to do this all day, every day, for much longer. I need help.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and used ABA as basically childcare? Have you been able to find a center that is TRULY entirely child-led and play-based? (As in, a center that is basically not actually doing ABA as intended?) If so, how did you go about finding this? How is it going? What kind of goals did you set and how are they being evaluated?

Or — are there any alternatives to ABA I’m not thinking of? The only thing I can think of is respite care, but I’m kind of confused about it. Is this ever provided at like a center outside your home? Or if you use in-home respite care, do you just go about your business with your other children while they’re there with your autistic kid?? I’m really confused about how that works if you have multiple kids and you’re not using it to like, get out of the house by yourself or something. Haven’t actually tried it yet because all I ever hear about it is how hard it is to find providers and how unreliable they are if you do! 🙃

(Obligatory disclaimer: I love my kid and I don’t blame or resent her for this. I don’t mean to sound negative about her, but I’m trying to be realistic about our problems. I just truly don’t understand how people are supposed to do this while also taking care themselves and their other kids.)","I’ve had a positive experience with ABA with my center. They use PRT and child led techniques. If there was anything I didn’t like, I just told them and they adjusted his goal. I basically view it as a place for him to practice skills with a patient adult. He also gets to do some group sessions with other autistic kids, which is great., ABA is a case by case thing. Some centers are truly in tune with the kids so that they have freedom to be themselves, move around as needed but with some structure to learn new skills. My kid loves it. The place has been a very positive experience for her. She goes to a center that really is child led and run by people who care about what they do. Maybe it’s an outlier but I suspect not. We collaborate on goals. Right now we’re working on communication. My daughter has learn several new signs that help her tell us what she needs. 

My suspicion is the internet has led you to be over apologetic about the difficulties of parenting an ASD kid and afraid that doing anything to  “help” autism will result in harm. The reality is that not teaching skills isn’t helping and it takes ASD kids longer to learn. You can skip ABA if you object to the philosophy behind it, just understand that it’s as variable as the therapists who are performing it. 

And this isn’t for you per se, but some of the people on the internet who claim ABA harmed them personally are flat out lying and their stories fall apart with the slightest bit of questioning., Me. I’m not against aba, although I don’t think it’s nearly as effective as child led stuff like DIR Floortime. I also think most BCBAs and RBTs are overworked, underpaid, and so data driven that they don’t really “see” the child. But, when you have a BCBA and Rbt Who are respecting this child and letting them lead, and have the right goals, it can be great. 

But i do kind of use it as childcare while I work. I couldn’t handle the 24/7 high energy needs of my child. Like he needs constant stimulation, but everything bores him or he doesn’t even want to try. It’s exhausting and id rather work than try to entertain him and keep him safe 24/7. I consider my work shift somewhat of a break because it’s so much easier than caring for an autistic 3yo ., ABA therapist here! If you are not open to trying ABA again, I would say looking into respite would be a great option. One of my clients has respite workers that are with them for several hours each day. However, I don’t know what kind of training they receive or what their qualifications are. That is something I would consider, because if someone is not knowledgeable about ASD or your child’s needs, they could easily reinforce challenging behavior and cause it to happen more frequently.

If you are still somewhat open to ABA, I would give it another try. Through working with multiple clients, I have seen how different every team is. Unfortunately, some staff seems to not take their job as seriously as they need to. But there are also people who will give it their all! So if you do feel like trying it, I would research the company and staff as much as you can and really make sure you like each person on your child’s team. If you don’t like someone, chances are your intuition is right and the company can find someone else for you. Putting so much effort into the beginning stages can be a lot, but it would end up being very worthwhile. 

Also important to note that if you’re going to try ABA again, you HAVE to stick it through for a while. It always always always gets worse before it gets better, and I’ll give a common example. Let’s say a child wants a toy, but mom says no. If the child starts to throw a tantrum, mom might give in and let them have the toy. If this happens multiple times, it will reinforce the idea that throwing a tantrum results in a desired object or activity. This correlation will lead to an increase in challenging behaviors, which is harder on mom and child. Now let’s say ABA is started and one of the programs is accepting no. When the child asks for the toy and the therapist says no, they will likely tantrum. When the therapist does not give into the tantrum, now the kid is going to be really pissed. Understandably so. It’s confusing when something that worked yesterday doesn’t work today. So adjusting to the programming can be really defeating, but eventually, it will become the new normal.

**Also with that example I want to note that therapists won’t just take your child’s toys away or withhold something that they really like if that’s not what the goal is. Or at least they shouldn’t be doing that.

I hope you find something that works for you guys! Wishing you luck., You sweetheart we are feeling the same. I do have respite answer though. I lost my job bc my son was restrained and bruised during episode at my sister's(babysitters house) and she threatened to call 911 on my child bc I didnt answer her calls-i.was a server and phone was in locker. But also my manager didn't seem her call an emergency bc we were slammed. Back to respite, yes they come to home like ABA but we have to be there so no running errands alone,avoiding shopping breakdowns,meltdowns so I opted out. I also looked into help paying for sitter so I could work- the state pays half and you use their list or you have to have your sitter be investigated by DSS(home visit) background check,and I think certified in CPR? Not sure. So I know no one who would stand up to that scrutiny for me to work. ABA therapists are cancelled this summer bc of my son's aggressive actions and we are starting a ""control program"" at their office to improve behaviour.  I pray it helps., We have had positive experiences with ABA. My son doesn’t go full time as I didn’t find that to be something I was interested in. He has fun there. He was violent, destructive and aggressive before. Today my brother texted me and said I just wanted to say how awesome kiddo is and how far I’ve seen him come. I don’t think my son is being trained like a dog. The other day they were working on identifying when another person is busy by pointing out what someone was doing and teaching him his address (which is the same as a kindergarten goal by the way, taught in a similar manner.), Respite where I am in WI, consists of me finding volunteers (my brother and his girlfriend) and then we fill out paperwork and they'll get paid to watch my daughter at their house. Or take her to the park or whatever. I get time to myself at home to chill and refocus. Or spend time with my 2yr old without my 4yr old screaming and yelling., What about a nanny? I would consider paying for a nanny before I’d opt to go the ABA route. It would also give you more control over the who and the how., We’ve been through three agencies, learning what to look out for and ask about as we went. Our current agency is a national organization but I imagine our success stems from having a great Board Certified Behavioral Analyst (BCBA) and experienced behavior technicians (BT). 

When we started with our current provider, I expressed my ethical and moral concerns. My daughter’s treatment is entirely play-based and child led. If they’re working on being able to sit at the table, they’re playing a game or coloring. If they’re working on following directions, they’re doing it by providing praise when she succeeds and gently redirecting if she doesn’t. Stimming is never discouraged unless it’s harmful (head banging) or severely disruptive (shrieking). Even then, we just provide a new sensory experience. Much of what they work on each day is implementing goals from Speech and OT. 

We don’t force sessions. If my daughter is having a bad day, struggling with being redirected, or just doesn’t want to be there, then her BT will call me to pick her up. It’s very important that my daughter, even at 6 years old, is always consenting to treatment. 

We started with in-home so that I could closely observe and moved to the clinic eventually. ABA isn’t perfect but it can be great so long as everyone has the same mindset and goals. It won’t work if the parents’ don’t do their part and follow through with the treatment plan outside of sessions. 

I’m not interested in forcing my daughter to behave like a neurotypical kid. I’m using ABA to help her learn new skills in communication, independence, and peer interactions., Respite care can be paid out of pocket or through state/county programs. It’s difficult to qualify for full time state respite services because of income requirements (unless you apply for a waiver that have years long waiting lists) , there’s usually less income restrictions with county respite services but in my experience they’re poorly managed and scary (they don’t have the best background check system) . It really depends on where you live too, Autistic adults overwhelming report that they found aba to be an abuse that taught them to reject themselves and mask, leading to ptsd and depression. Child-led therapy is a non-ABA approach. Why not find a community of autistic adults and listen to autistic voices?, ABA accepts patients at 1yr?, This was my experience too., It’s good to hear that’s working well for you! I wonder if a lot of it is just specific to the individual kid — my kid seems like she does not WANT to learn anything or do anything anyone asks of her. So doing ABA in the past was pretty much a disaster, despite the providers being nice and chill., That makes total sense to me., Thank you! You’re definitely right that RBTs are usually more reliable and better trained than the average respite person, from everything I’ve heard.

As far as ABA goes, we did try it, for over a year. Our main issue was that she hated it consistently and didn’t want to ever do anything anyone wanted her to (which is still true, haha). So in order to get her to do anything at all, it caused significant distress, even though her RBTs were all really patient and pleasant in general. She would occasionally do some things with strong coercion, but then didn’t retain skills or build on them. It ended up looking a lot like compliance training or “dog training” that people complain about.

I wonder if some kids just don’t respond well?? Her lack of interest/engagement/whatever is an issue that everyone has noted, including school, OT, and speech. And that’s my main concern — we can’t ABA her into being interested in things! But I’m also not sure how else to proceed., Thanks for sharing that explanation. When the child is told no, and they throw a tantrum, what do the ABA protocols say you should do?, Ugh, how awful — I also hope things get better for you guys!! I am lucky enough to not have to work for now, and honestly, I don’t know how people hold down full-time jobs. I feel like if I had a job I would’ve been fired many times over by now. Good luck to you both!!, That definitely sounds like a good idea to get someone you know!, That would probably be ideal. I was just wondering if there was anything I was overlooking in terms of actual disability supports or therapies that are funded by insurance and/or the state. It would be nice to make those work for us, since I am a stay-at-home parent, and really shouldn’t NEED a nanny! But it does seem easier to get what you need if you pay for it yourself., We have no trouble qualifying for respite care, but yeah, finding good providers is a different story. I really wish the respite care system was more robust — it seems like it would help a lot of people!, I know, I agree with you. I guess what I was really wondering was if there are places that basically bill as ABA but follow guidelines loosely enough to not be harmful. I know that’s pretty far-fetched, so maybe it’s not really much of a thing. My problem is that I need actual help, in real life, from other adults. But I don’t know how to find them.

I do follow a lot of autistic adult groups and have asked questions, but so far they have been really good at telling me what NOT to do, but not what TO do. They so far have no real answers as to how to help or educate my kid. And, generally speaking, they do not seem to give a shit about caregiver burnout. I know that’s not the focus of those groups, though, so that’s why I thought I’d try here., Had a girl tell me she was in it for 2 months at 1 year old and was traumatized. So take what you hear as a lot of people don't speak the actual facts and truth. A long long time ago it was abusive. This is just no longer the case. So go ahead and believe people on the internet instead of going to an actual center if you think that will help your kid. Minds doing ABA., I agree with your sentiment but that’s not really helpful here and not what OP is asking. And from the post it sounds like OP already knows the possible negatives of ABA. Child led therapy is great but is not childcare., Is a nanny an option for you to get a break? How old is your kid? The high energy not enough sleep combo is a doozy. I remember it well 😩

As far as not wanting to learn, my kiddo was like that for awhile too. Then she started being more interested in the world around her. It’s still on her terms, but she’s willing now., Adding to this to say: just because someone’s disabled doesn’t make them incompetent. And I’m not saying this in a snarky way - this is just a way someone put it to me that helped me out. 

She needs to be mentally stimulated. Her brain is going in a million directions at once, it’s overwhelming and hard and not easy. She needs help to refocus her, and challenge her brain. Think about how exhausted kids get because they are mentally exhausted, even as an adult I get mentally exhausted. But if she’s never being challenged mentally, she isn’t going to have that “settled” full feeling. 

Our ABA therapist is at our house. It takes a lot of weight off me because the therapist is there taking care of helping her emotionally regulate, giving her puzzles to help stimulate her mind, challenging her to ride a bike, etc. But when it comes to diaper changes and lunch - that’s all me. But I’m able to disappear for a little to do laundry if that’s what you’re looking for. I can do dishes. Often times I sit on the couch sipping tea for the first hour or so. I want to observe my daughters relationship with her therapist and make sure it is still beneficial to her. But after that I’m in a room over from her and her therapist does a lot of everything else. 

If you want to talk please DM me. I’m in PA, also have a daughter who is severe and has some challenges. It’s a different life but I wouldn’t change a thing, and I know you feel the same way. It’ll be ok, you’ll figure out the right thing., Btw if it looked like dog training, it probably was. I am proud of you that you followed your gut., That’s really tough. I am glad you guys did give it a good shot before deciding it wasn’t for you. Maybe respite would end up being more beneficial then? I assume it couldn’t hurt to try.

I do work with a kiddo who is 11 and he also does not want to do anything we want him to do. I just joined his team, but from my knowledge, they’ve had to really scale back on his programming to the point where now, 90% of what we do is seeing if he can tolerate a sort of “brain break”. Almost every time we ask him to participate, he says no. We honor that a majority of the time, but sometimes enforce the 30 sec round of stretching (or something of the sort) in order to build up his tolerance to non-preferred activities. Other than that, we really just do what he wants to do during sessions.

Maybe this is something that you could try to “DIY” in a way… obviously it’s not ideal but if typical ABA isn’t right for your family and you might need more support than respite, this could be a good in between. I believe the protocol I talked about before is called SBT or “my way” programming. It’s not too difficult to run and can be done in a way that your child probably wouldn’t even notice—if that’s something you wanted. Plus it would probably be easier for you to run since you know your child best. You also wouldn’t have to take data or analyze it if you didn’t want to.

Those are my thoughts! I wish you luck in finding a system that fits. It is obvious you are doing a great job just by trying different things and reaching out for new ideas., It probably depends on the company and it most certainly depends on the child. First of all, with my clients, I am going to say yes to them as much is possible. However, there are certain things that you just have to say no to. Example: one of my four-year-olds watching the music video for Industry Baby.

If they do throw a tantrum we follow what’s called their behavior plan, which is developed with input from parents after staff gets to know the child more. One of my kids needs to be left alone, one of my kids needs hugs, one of my kids needs a blanket and a stuffed animal, one needs to get mom. The main idea is that we want to get them to a spot where they are regulated and comfortable, but whether or not we can help them get there really depends., It's a requirement where I am! It has to be someone we know and trust :), Totally understandable! Being a stay at home parent is a full time job and having a child with special needs adds to that. So I definitely don’t think being
 a stay at home parent means you shouldn’t need support. Raising kids is hard. No judgment from me!!, Who TF remember traumas at 12 months of age?? And understanding the concept of time (two months?) the most remote memory I had it’s when I was 3 years old, I don't think there's a nanny alive that could handle my kid tbh, She’s 4.5, so yeah, hopefully things will (slowly) get easier over time. A nanny would probably help! It just seems kind of crazy since I don’t work, but maybe we’ll look into it and do what we have do. 😅, I definitely agree that she needs to be challenged and stimulated! Our issue is that she REALLY, really does not seem to want to do anything that’s asked of her, ever. So when we tried ABA, it basically did turn into a dog training / compliance situation that seemed to make her less regulated overall. (Even though they were very nice about it.) Did you guys have any issues with things like that? With getting your kid to actually participate in anything the RBT was trying to do with her?, Thank you so much. That plan sounds quite reasonable. Basically is the idea is to help the kids achieve self regulation?, This may be true, which is tough. for some people it might be an option. My daughter is energetic and demanding, but would do ok in short 2-3 hour bursts with a sitter., Even just a sitter one afternoon a week might be a big help for you., Is she in school? If not, is developmental or mainstream preschool an option? That can help build the listening/learning skills without the behaviorism of ABA and get you a break during the day. OT can also help some of these issues. We did mainstream preschool and OT instead of ABA., Yeah, it might! I guess I didn’t really think much about it before because I don’t think I’d hire a sitter to watch both my kids at once. But if they were there just as kind of a 1-on-1 aid to my autistic kid, that might still make life easier., Yeah, she is in developmental preschool, and that does help. Summer is already killing me though, and I’m embarrassed to admit, even during the school year, it doesn’t feel like enough. I honestly don’t know if that’s reasonable, I may just be too lazy or depressed. 🤷‍♀️",Treatment,Therapy and Support
"I was just wondering if anyone had used/subscribed to ABC Mouse and saw improvement for their autistic kids? One of mine is becoming a little more verbal, and is starting to read, but still has a LOT of communication issues. 

Has anyone had any good experiences with getting this for their kids to work on? ","We use ABC mouse for fun, my so mostly likes the books. What I can say is if you’re looking for something helpful, hooked on phonics is the way to go! My son learned to read in 3 months basically taught himself. He is now saying words verbally and reads things out loud when he can. He’s 4.5, Through your library, you may be able to get a free subscription. 


I use it as a supplement for homeschool. It's awesome, IMO. For beginner readers and all, I do prefer Starfall, though. , Also - LaLilo.com is a free, adaptive program for K-2. , We use ABC mouse for fun, my so mostly likes the books. What I can say is if you’re looking for something helpful, hooked on phonics is the way to go! My son learned to read in 3 months basically taught himself. He is now saying words verbally and reads things out loud when he can. He’s 4.5, Through your library, you may be able to get a free subscription. 


I use it as a supplement for homeschool. It's awesome, IMO. For beginner readers and all, I do prefer Starfall, though. , Also - LaLilo.com is a free, adaptive program for K-2. , We use ABC mouse for fun, my so mostly likes the books. What I can say is if you’re looking for something helpful, hooked on phonics is the way to go! My son learned to read in 3 months basically taught himself. He is now saying words verbally and reads things out loud when he can. He’s 4.5, Through your library, you may be able to get a free subscription. 


I use it as a supplement for homeschool. It's awesome, IMO. For beginner readers and all, I do prefer Starfall, though. , Also - LaLilo.com is a free, adaptive program for K-2. , We use ABC mouse for fun, my so mostly likes the books. What I can say is if you’re looking for something helpful, hooked on phonics is the way to go! My son learned to read in 3 months basically taught himself. He is now saying words verbally and reads things out loud when he can. He’s 4.5, Through your library, you may be able to get a free subscription. 


I use it as a supplement for homeschool. It's awesome, IMO. For beginner readers and all, I do prefer Starfall, though. , Also - LaLilo.com is a free, adaptive program for K-2. ",Treatment,Educational Resources
"My 4 year old daughter was recently diagnosed with ADHD. I am suspecting a possible dual diagnosis of autism with pda profile and adhd. I was wanting to reach out to see if you have observed anything in similar cases and how they present. I feel perhaps autism was not noticed due to masking with girls, her hyperactivity, advanced verbal skills and ability to be very personable and affectionate with those she is comfortable with.  She has an excellent neurodevelopmental pediatrician and was started on Abilify for irritability, violent aggression and intense meltdowns. I’m wondering if maybe the abilify kicking in is also making it easier for me to see some possible autism symptoms. ADHD was always assumed and I noticed around two years old due to high activity levels, distractibility and behavior issues starting at school. She had a very thorough assessment process consisting of six visits, done by a doctoral practicum student so I’m thinking, maybe some things weren’t picked up as she can could be a complicated assessment.

Some of my observations :

Behavior - she has hellacious tantrums/ meltdowns due to denial of access or being overstimulated. She is extremely smart and  has a remarkable memory and can remember what I ordered at a resturant weeks later. Struggled socially at school with making friends and behavior due to impulse control, not following directions, difficulty with transitions, being overwhelmed in group settings with more than a few peers and being agressive to other kids or staff. Those challenges ultimately lead to being kicked out of 2 preschools. 

Social
Avoids others more now but is very affectionate and talkative with family and those she is comfortable with. Doesn’t want eye contact with strangers and will growl at people in the grocery store who engage her. Always loved hoodies and being a bit reclusive. Intense affection like painfully tight hugs and pressing her face to ours. Will draw attention by being loud(adhd) then tell others to stop looking at her. 

Mirroring -Seems she mimicked alot of kids at school and a lot of her personality was derived from peers and tv shows. 

Scripting and echolalia- she makes up words or will repeat phrases often from shows or that she has heard from others. 

Sensory - Lots of sensory issues both avoidant and seeking(hates wearing shoes, tags, fabrics, loud sounds in public restroom like hand dryer or toilets flushing ) . Builds pillow forts and hides in them and loves to jump in pillows( sensory seeking and loves deep pressure input). very picky when starting foods she resisted and insisted on milk and is still avoidant of lots of foods. 

Insists on sameness alot (only wants a pony tail or gold spoon, same shows and songs on repeat).

Meticulousness- Recently I have noticed her lining objects up meticulously( bath toys and sausages when cooking with me). At the park she took leaves and placed one leaf in each play surface like swing, steps to slide, bench).

Play- Loves wearing adults clothes or shoes that are extremely large on her. Loves dressing up as characters and action role play usually based off themes from her favorite shows. Loves novelty. Lots of spinning, Finger wiggling and just dazing off at times. 

Delay- The most noticeable delay was in potty training and she still has multiple accidents when at home. has issues with handwriting and holding a pencil, dislikes drawing or coloring. 

Self harm behaviors- lip pulling, plays with hands and picks fingernails and toenails.
","Uhhhhhhhhh. I’m going to go way out on a limb here and say that if this isn’t autism I’ll eat my phone. The only reason this would not get diagnosed as autism is because, sadly, so many “professionals“ are blind to autism in girls. Of course I’m not here diagnosing, but as far as DSM criteria goes you’re a slam dunk., I am a firm believer that ADHD shouldn’t be diagnosed before age 10 at the very least. It’s so hard with an ASD kiddo that young to notice whats because of the ASD and what’s just a toddler behavior/development., Thanks I’m finishing pmhnp school in the fall and I’m considering peds psych as my specialty so that is very validating. It wasn’t until I learned more and looked back at videos and photos did I really see it with new eyes. 😊, I respect your belief. I however lean more toward evidence based research that backs early intervention, therapeutic support and medication management when needed. Undiagnosed children have higher risk of negative life outcomes like poor educational performance, negative self esteem, depression, suicide and drug addiction. I guess the question I’m asking is if anyone has an atypical more socially appearing child who had a similar presentation with dual diagnosis audhd., My wife did the same, that’s a lot of school congrats., Uhhhhhhhhh. I’m going to go way out on a limb here and say that if this isn’t autism I’ll eat my phone. The only reason this would not get diagnosed as autism is because, sadly, so many “professionals“ are blind to autism in girls. Of course I’m not here diagnosing, but as far as DSM criteria goes you’re a slam dunk., I am a firm believer that ADHD shouldn’t be diagnosed before age 10 at the very least. It’s so hard with an ASD kiddo that young to notice whats because of the ASD and what’s just a toddler behavior/development., Thanks I’m finishing pmhnp school in the fall and I’m considering peds psych as my specialty so that is very validating. It wasn’t until I learned more and looked back at videos and photos did I really see it with new eyes. 😊, I respect your belief. I however lean more toward evidence based research that backs early intervention, therapeutic support and medication management when needed. Undiagnosed children have higher risk of negative life outcomes like poor educational performance, negative self esteem, depression, suicide and drug addiction. I guess the question I’m asking is if anyone has an atypical more socially appearing child who had a similar presentation with dual diagnosis audhd., My wife did the same, that’s a lot of school congrats., Uhhhhhhhhh. I’m going to go way out on a limb here and say that if this isn’t autism I’ll eat my phone. The only reason this would not get diagnosed as autism is because, sadly, so many “professionals“ are blind to autism in girls. Of course I’m not here diagnosing, but as far as DSM criteria goes you’re a slam dunk., I am a firm believer that ADHD shouldn’t be diagnosed before age 10 at the very least. It’s so hard with an ASD kiddo that young to notice whats because of the ASD and what’s just a toddler behavior/development., Thanks I’m finishing pmhnp school in the fall and I’m considering peds psych as my specialty so that is very validating. It wasn’t until I learned more and looked back at videos and photos did I really see it with new eyes. 😊, I respect your belief. I however lean more toward evidence based research that backs early intervention, therapeutic support and medication management when needed. Undiagnosed children have higher risk of negative life outcomes like poor educational performance, negative self esteem, depression, suicide and drug addiction. I guess the question I’m asking is if anyone has an atypical more socially appearing child who had a similar presentation with dual diagnosis audhd., My wife did the same, that’s a lot of school congrats., Uhhhhhhhhh. I’m going to go way out on a limb here and say that if this isn’t autism I’ll eat my phone. The only reason this would not get diagnosed as autism is because, sadly, so many “professionals“ are blind to autism in girls. Of course I’m not here diagnosing, but as far as DSM criteria goes you’re a slam dunk., I am a firm believer that ADHD shouldn’t be diagnosed before age 10 at the very least. It’s so hard with an ASD kiddo that young to notice whats because of the ASD and what’s just a toddler behavior/development., Thanks I’m finishing pmhnp school in the fall and I’m considering peds psych as my specialty so that is very validating. It wasn’t until I learned more and looked back at videos and photos did I really see it with new eyes. 😊, I respect your belief. I however lean more toward evidence based research that backs early intervention, therapeutic support and medication management when needed. Undiagnosed children have higher risk of negative life outcomes like poor educational performance, negative self esteem, depression, suicide and drug addiction. I guess the question I’m asking is if anyone has an atypical more socially appearing child who had a similar presentation with dual diagnosis audhd., My wife did the same, that’s a lot of school congrats.",Diagnosis,Dual Diagnosis
"Hi there, I have a son that’s 2 years 7 months old. He just got his ADOS-2 screening done and today we got the results. He scored 23. We have an appointment with his pediatrician on Tuesday, but I was wondering if anyone could tell me what that number means? Thank you in advance. ","Our son did it at the age of 2.5. Scored 19. He is within the medium range. I actually asked ChatGPT to help me, maybe you can try to get more insights. He did the module up to 3 years old I think, Our son did it at the age of 2.5. Scored 19. He is within the medium range. I actually asked ChatGPT to help me, maybe you can try to get more insights. He did the module up to 3 years old I think, Our son did it at the age of 2.5. Scored 19. He is within the medium range. I actually asked ChatGPT to help me, maybe you can try to get more insights. He did the module up to 3 years old I think, Our son did it at the age of 2.5. Scored 19. He is within the medium range. I actually asked ChatGPT to help me, maybe you can try to get more insights. He did the module up to 3 years old I think",Diagnosis,Diagnosis
"AMITA My parter (30) moved in with me (23) shortly after I found out I was pregnant. We both already had a child from previous relationships and I was told his son was a straight A student and very smart and an amazing child and I was constantly told about how involved of a dad he was with his child. I was painted this false picture of a super involved and supportive single dad. Once his child moved in with us I’ve realized his child is definitely on the spectrum and needs help. His father refuses to get him tested and we are constantly arguing about it. 

This child is 12 yrs old and can’t hold a pencil, can’t hold a fork or spoon, can’t tie shoes, struggles with buttons and zippers, has horrible speech skills and speech impediments, can’t use a knife or any kitchen appliances, can’t hold eye contact walks around in circles stuttering or covering his ears any time you try to talk to him, he’s rude and has no social skills and no friends. His dad and the rest of their family thinks he’s funny and that the way he acts is okay and they encourage it because they think it’s funny.

 I’m constantly being told I’m the asshole for pushing to get him tested for autism. I’m also worried about the affect that having him around my children will have on them as well as having his family around my children as they are also kind of on the slower side and don’t see anything wrong with his behaviours. 

I’m constantly bullied by this child. I’ve tried to enforce rules and am threatened. He’s threatened to call the police and tell them I’m attracted to little kids or call the police and tell them I physically abuse him. I’m constantly being told I’m fat, ugly or stupid by this child. he’s completely spoiled by everyone around him and manipulates everyone but I’m the only one that sees it and I feel like I’m going crazy. 
","How did he get straight A's if he can't hold a pencil 🤔, My advice and suggestions.

It sounds as though the stepson also has dyspraxia due to the physical coordination issues. It maybe worth pushing for this diagnosis first, if you want to stay around.

But honestly, as a mother of a child with autism, my advice is to run, ask him to leave today. Not because of the child, but because of his poor parenting and not being able to do what's in his child's best interests. Imagine what a fight you'd have if you clash over the baby's best interests.

A child making such venomous comments regarding abuse, has issues potentially far bigger than any autism diagnosis. 

Given your age, rack this up as relationship experience you won't repeat. Make sure you habitually have lived experience with all new partners and are not reliant on trusting their word!, This is a dumpster fire and if you can astill have an abortion I would do so and break up with the guy.   


as well as having his family around my children as they are also kind of on the slower side and don’t see anything wrong with his behaviours.  


What an amzing future for your child. What the fuck does this even mean, YTA for posting that you don’t want your child around another child that may have autism in an “Autism_Parenting” subreddit 

Come on, I mean, I feel like you are limited in what you can do but I hope your partners’ complete unwillingness to do the bare minimum for their existing child is a wake up call for you., Your kids aren’t going to catch autism from your stepson 🙄. Also I don’t understand…you never had him around your kids before you got married?

But you’re NTA for thinking he is autistic but YTA for the obvious disdain you seem to have for him., It sounds like you may be right, but unfortunately don’t really have any say in getting him diagnosed.  It sounds doubtful that you will convince anyone, so you may need to think about how you can help him without a diagnosis

His behavior is unacceptable, whether he is autistic or not.  I would tell your husband that the behaviors need to be addressed or you are taking your kids and leaving., You are 23 and your 30yr old boyfriend moved in with YOU? Cut your losses and kick him out. This doesn't sound like a normal situation at all. You should vet your prospective partners better especially since you already have a child from a previous relationship to worry about. I don't think you are an AH, but I think you lack life and dating experience. For fks sake your boyfriends son is only 11years younger than you, you aren't even twice his age! There is nothing you can do for the 12yr old child that isn't yours, but you have some choices to make about your unborn child. There is a good chance that this child will also be on the spectrum and you can either spend the rest of your life fighting with his family to get it help, leave the boyfriend and seek primary custody to make all medical decisions, or possibly have an abortion. Because let's face it, this baby daddy is not going to be much help and I personally wouldn't want them involved in my life what so ever., This sounds more of a ""blended family issue"" and there are better subs for that. It also sounds like there are communication issues etc between you and boyfriend.

The kid is not the issue. The boyfriend is. And he isn't going to take any parenting advice from you  (prob due to age gap and his own hubris).

If you can't accept this kid and blame the kid instead of placing  the blame on the 30 year old man who probably didn't have custody enough until he moved in with you and lied to you, run. This is not going to end well for you and your bio kid., >He's threatened to call the police and tell them I'm attracted to little kids or call the police and tell them I physically abuse him.

You need to get yourself and your kids out of that house and away from this psychopath right now. You cannot do it fast enough. Theatening someone like that is domestic abuse. You need to go to a safe place, whether it's your parents or a sibling or some extended family or a friend, or even a women's shelter. For your safety and the safety of your kids, you need to get the fuck away from that maniac as fast as you can.

And get a restraining order., Wow. It's as if everyone here forgot their thick skin. So high and mighty.

Regardless of Autism, the father/your partner should be a lot more supportive of how you're feeling and what you're going through. This is not okay. Now, just because it's not okay isn't a golden ticket. Without support and by that I mean open communication, help learning how his son deals with x, y, or z and an assortment of other stuff... This is going to be really difficult.

All kids pick up bad behaviors from their peers. There's a student in my sons special education class that meows. My son does too, now. My son hits his chest like Tarzan when he's mad sometimes. Another parent mentioned her son does this sometimes too when he didn't before. This is essentially the same as any child who comes home with a new 'behavior'.

However, it's your job as the parent to talk about what behaviors are safe, alternatives, etc and just try your best to guide while being understanding and accommodating. It's not just children with autism. It's all kids.

I'm sorry that the family is unsupportive, perhaps a little uninformed or they just don't care. Not everyone is proactive and some people refuse to be reactive. That's not going to help but take it at face value. 

You can't fix anyone but yourself in this circumstance. In a perfect world, I would suggest you talk to your partner a lot. Maybe write down questions, ask about them. How receptive is your partner to good, adult communication? 

If you feel lied to now, hoodwinked or whatever it isn't going to get better after you have another child. I can appreciate that you're here, looking for answers but your one man army needs to be a cohesive, parenting unit to approach this. 

I hope you find the support you need with your significant other or walk away. You shouldn't feel threated or unsafe in your own home. A lot of parents here feel the same way and don't have an out. If no one will support you, you need to take the out. Good luck. I hope you get the answers you seek.

Edit, you aren't an asshole. You're scared, in a bad situation and are pregnant facing a situation you aren't prepared for. Give yourself some grace, take a breath and figure out what's next., You’re just an asshole generally.  Gtfo of here., Is the 12 year old boy's mother still on the scene and does she share custody? What about the school he attends? What is their opinion? You should seek independent advice from local agencies on this. The child should receive therapy for his disability.

You also do not want to raise a newborn in such circumstances where you are unsure of its safety. Your opinions also need to be respected.

Time to kick your partner out I suspect. You can still see each other without living together if you really want to., Well you started off strong but ended up an ass.
 Autism isn’t contagious. Your kids should be around all sorts of people so they can learn to be accepting and loving., What what a bunch of shitbags. He’s clearly missing out on interventions, therapies that would have helped him for years by now. Now he’s gotten old enough to recognize the encouragement from his family, so he’s convinced this is the right way to act, so intervening now will be more difficult.

 His dad really failed him here.

I’m sorry you never got to know these details before you became pregnant with this man’s child.

Will this kid pose a problem for a new baby in the house?, Hi, im a friend on a throw away account. The boyfriend is a mega liar. He painted a picture of a perfect kid who had no behavioural problems whatsoever. The OP, is not lying. This “parent” of the 12 year old is the most incompetent father and he thinks his kid is okay, and succeeding.

** thought 
I would add for clarification if there was behaviour problems and they were mentioned beforehand and there was plans in place to help this kid,  I don’t think this would be as big as a deal , it wouldn’t also be as big if this 30y/o was parenting them, sounds like BF is a liar? 🤷‍♂️, Your post isnt really about autism.  It's about a child whose needs are being neglected by a family that is enabling that child and ignoring very important social and behavioural milestones.  Every therapist i have talked to reminds me that autistic children are still children first.  Just because they have difficulties with certain skills does not mean that they are immune from being total assholes, falling victim to bad parenting, and suffering from neglect. 

My child has autism, and i still feel your concerns are extremely important.  But really, this is about your relationship with the father.  This needs to be dealt with, but i guess it really depends on how you want to handle it., If we look at this more objectively, do you think that it is OK and not impactful on her children seeing her spoken to like this? With the threats he's making?

We all have a duty of care to OUR children. Heck, we have all read posts where families have chosen to separate to be able to do what's best for all of the children so they're not impacted. 

Let's have some empathy here for her, too., I’m not worried about my children catching autism, I have a few friends and family members with autism and they’re a great part of our lives. I’m worried about the behavioural aspect of it and how that will influence my toddler and baby growing up. I don’t want them thinking it’s okay to act that way and the way it affects our family dynamic, No they're going to ""catch"" that acting like a little shit is just peachy., They're talking about the KID making those threats. 


Just terrible parenting. Probably should've met his child and witnessed his parenting before putting him on the rack as baby daddy #2., The kids making the threats and if they are telling the truth about this kid…how many times has your pre teen threatened you?, His mother has split custody so the child is with us 50% of the time. She is in the same predicament as she doesn’t see an issue with her son either despite being told by an occupational therapist he needs help due to his lack of motor skills. The school board had tried to get involved but his parents told them they were looking into getting him tested and working with doctors and speech therapists already so they have stepped back assuming he’s already receiving help. However none of that is happening this child hasn’t seen a family doctor in years. As I am not a parent I cannot legally do anything without his parents signing off on it. I just want my step son to be able to get the help he needs to better himself for the future as I understand how undiagnosed autism and other issues can have long term affects on people physically and emotionally. His parents refuse to help him or take him to anyone and let him sit in front of video games for 8-12 hours a day every day and seem to just rather keep him happy than deal with the root causes of his issues, Why would you want your child around a kid like that, neurotypical or not.  Autism doesn't rub off, but bad behaviour does.  There is a difference.  We all have a responsibility to learn to behave properly and to teach our kids to do so, with or without autism.  Where a person lands is a different story.

Any therapist worth their salt will tell you that., I love my step son but as someone who can see a difference I want him to get help and the treatments he needs to have an overall better quality of life. I’ve seen autistic family members have early involvement with specialists and doctors and the difference it can make. I just want him to be the best version of himself that can be and I feel like his family has failed him I just don’t know how to help, Or OP is. We don’t actually know which one is to be fair. It’s the internet., THIS!!!, agree. i am offended by OP's tone and diction, but still sympathize with her situation, what it must be doing to her, and what it must be doing to her kids., I know she may be panicked and not thinking straight but she is posting in the wrong place with that type of mindset. Just being honest!, You're NOT the asshole. I don't have any advice here but I want to reassure you that being concerned about your children is not illogical nor selfish. I have an autistic 7 year old, and our NT 5 year old as has picked up unpreferred behaviors and has received less idealistic parenting as a result., Not completely sure why you are being downvoted to be honest. Even though you have been threatened by him you still want what is best for the 12 year old. He needs help and therapy or he will be quite difficult to interact with in later life. His father may not want a diagnosis but there are so many benefits for gaining it., i see. i'm sorry., yeah, i really misunderstood that :-/, I'd not want my own child to be raised by a father who is fine with his own child living like that while lying to teachers that he is doing all these things for his child. 


You'll very likely have to constantly work against him when trying to raise your shared child. Why would you want that for yourself and your kid?, It is not good enough that his parents are telling the school one thing and doing the opposite, presumably to save money and their own efforts. The boy is basically being neglected and put in the too hard basket.

In saying all that, you have already told his father your views on this and he is not agreeing to do anything about it. There is not much more you can do on that front. It would be best to avoid getting into more conflicts about this subject because it would mostly affect your own wellbeing.

You have some difficult decisions ahead so I wish you the best going forward., I was referring to the ‘slow’ family members they mentioned. Or rather shouldn’t have mentioned…, At 12 it's far too late for early intervention. And you don't have parental responsibility, so there's not much you can do here. That might just be something you have to accept, and make your own decisions from there., so far you've said some pretty offensive things, but this particular comment is actually quite nice. idk why you're getting downvoted for it.

anyway, i'm going to make this pretty blunt, but i'm not exaggerating the least bit. i really think you need to hear this.

>He’s threatened to call the police and tell them I’m attracted to little kids or call the police and tell them I physically abuse him.

Read that again. HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! How can a loving person threaten you like that? How can someone who loves you threaten you like that? They can't! If this guy has threatened you like that, he clearly doesn't love you.

Your boyfriend is an abuser, and if you stay with him you, and potentially your children, are going to end up repeated victims of domestic violence at his hands., One thing I want to warn you about is I had a bad experience from an autistic older brother who was physically abusive to me and sexually abusive to other family members and his behavior was played off as autizm. Please make sure you know what you're getting into. It's very common among autistic children., And how did she move the guy and his kid into her place without ever meeting the kid. There’s lots of missing info here., sure.

\_edit to add:\_ i don't mean that to be dismissive. i mean that literally. OP could be lying, yeah., She hasn't said or done anything remotely rude.  You're taking this too personally. 

Remember that this is a sub for parents of children for autism.  This really isn't directed at people with autism.

A big reason we post here is because we have a different life experience and concerns than people who actually have autism.  I've posted in autism subs and parents often get poor information because there are many people with autism who are extremely sensitive (and understandably so), but in a sub where you're not even the primary audience, I think you should consider taking a step back and letting the parents here actually be sincere and honest without needing to worry about offending you.  Don't kid yourself, i believe your need to advocate for the sensibilities of people with autism is admirable, but please don't block people from sharing their personal and genuine feelings when they;re really not even talking to you directly.  

It's nothing personal, but just like you, we have a different experience of autism.  Where you have to live it, we have to live with watching it as parents every single day.  In her case, she is likely terribly worried about her partners child, but feels helpless to contribute.  That's hard man,

So please dont shut it down., \>I’m also worried about the affect that having him around my children will have on them as well as having his family around my children as they are also kind of on the slower side  


Respectfully she kinda is an asshole and an idiot for having a baby with someone she apparently didnt know much about, you never said that in your original post.  I dont think that from reading it the issue this parent has was the ""slow"" family members., Concise and educated comment here. Agree completely 👍, The 12 year old threatened that not the boyfriend., There is for sure, You’re fine. And yeah we only have one side. And she said single dad so we don’t know if he had full custody and what happened. But I do find it weird she never meet the kid before things got serious…I mean this could all absolutely be true, especially to her eyes. 

Imma show my age here. There’s an old show called Duck Van Dyke and one of my favorite episodes is one where there is a fight, you see it three times. One from his point of view, one from hers and then you get the pet fish’s point of view which is what really happened. I’m sure that this is the situation as she sees it but we are missing context and we are missing the other side. But somethings weird here., I understand.

To be clear, I think this is a great post, I learn a lot from reding the replies, and I didn't mean to imply that I should never be offended or that things that offend me should be wiped off the internet., I called out one part of her post. That’s it. Not shutting anything down. I think you’re reading too much into my very short and direct response. 

And considering autism is genetic, I think you would be surprised how many people here are autistic., He lied and he's older so I put most of the culpability on Dad, here., Yea true. I didn't see that bit. It's tough anyway :(



This made me think about my own story however. My wife never seemed ""slow"" to me, but I assumed her mom was senile or was starting dementia. I didnt give this a whole lot of concern and got married and had kids. I was in my 20s with obviously less life experiennce


Well now my kids: One is level 2 autistic, other is either ADHD or NT. Turns out my wife is adhd, maybe level 1 autism (after learning the symptoms).  It never occured to me in my youth not to have kids with her because, People don't have multiple baby daddies because they're wise about choosing partners., Well yea they have a lot going on it seems. 
But they directly asked AITA so I gave them an answer., thank you, i'm sorry., And I think you're reading too little as the original poster's issue was not that the child had autism.  Agree to disagree?, bingo!, She never once thought to meet this kid BEFORE getting into a serious relationship with someone?, I really hope OP can abort and move on because she isn't the right fit for this family. That is OK but let's not blame the 12 yr old and ""slow"" family members. For all we know her kid has a good chance of not being NT as well given the genetics on both sides and her kid might be the ""rude monster"" she claims this 12 yr old is.  


The guy she is impregnated by is the cause of her friction, It’s literally the title of the post?

All I said was that the fact that she’s posting her opinion on not wanting her child around another autistic child in an ***autism parent subreddit*** is pretty tone deaf. Based on the upvotes, others agree.

I didn’t say anything more. Not sure what you’re trying to get at here. Not interested in going back and forth., [deleted], >The guy she is impregnated by is the cause of her friction

I am genuinely worried for OP and her kids. First off, this guy lied to her about his son. Second, he doesn't care that she's suffering abuse from his son. Third, he's maintaining control over her by threatening to accuse her of felonies. Dear god, this is not going to end well if she doesn't get the hell out., Yup. I agree., That's the child making threats, Reread that. The kids making threats not the boyfriend., Almost like the boyfriend wants the OP to be a slave to look after his kids rather than a respected mother figure., okay, i'm sorry. thank you., How did he get straight A's if he can't hold a pencil 🤔, My advice and suggestions.

It sounds as though the stepson also has dyspraxia due to the physical coordination issues. It maybe worth pushing for this diagnosis first, if you want to stay around.

But honestly, as a mother of a child with autism, my advice is to run, ask him to leave today. Not because of the child, but because of his poor parenting and not being able to do what's in his child's best interests. Imagine what a fight you'd have if you clash over the baby's best interests.

A child making such venomous comments regarding abuse, has issues potentially far bigger than any autism diagnosis. 

Given your age, rack this up as relationship experience you won't repeat. Make sure you habitually have lived experience with all new partners and are not reliant on trusting their word!, This is a dumpster fire and if you can astill have an abortion I would do so and break up with the guy.   


as well as having his family around my children as they are also kind of on the slower side and don’t see anything wrong with his behaviours.  


What an amzing future for your child. What the fuck does this even mean, YTA for posting that you don’t want your child around another child that may have autism in an “Autism_Parenting” subreddit 

Come on, I mean, I feel like you are limited in what you can do but I hope your partners’ complete unwillingness to do the bare minimum for their existing child is a wake up call for you., Your kids aren’t going to catch autism from your stepson 🙄. Also I don’t understand…you never had him around your kids before you got married?

But you’re NTA for thinking he is autistic but YTA for the obvious disdain you seem to have for him., It sounds like you may be right, but unfortunately don’t really have any say in getting him diagnosed.  It sounds doubtful that you will convince anyone, so you may need to think about how you can help him without a diagnosis

His behavior is unacceptable, whether he is autistic or not.  I would tell your husband that the behaviors need to be addressed or you are taking your kids and leaving., You are 23 and your 30yr old boyfriend moved in with YOU? Cut your losses and kick him out. This doesn't sound like a normal situation at all. You should vet your prospective partners better especially since you already have a child from a previous relationship to worry about. I don't think you are an AH, but I think you lack life and dating experience. For fks sake your boyfriends son is only 11years younger than you, you aren't even twice his age! There is nothing you can do for the 12yr old child that isn't yours, but you have some choices to make about your unborn child. There is a good chance that this child will also be on the spectrum and you can either spend the rest of your life fighting with his family to get it help, leave the boyfriend and seek primary custody to make all medical decisions, or possibly have an abortion. Because let's face it, this baby daddy is not going to be much help and I personally wouldn't want them involved in my life what so ever., This sounds more of a ""blended family issue"" and there are better subs for that. It also sounds like there are communication issues etc between you and boyfriend.

The kid is not the issue. The boyfriend is. And he isn't going to take any parenting advice from you  (prob due to age gap and his own hubris).

If you can't accept this kid and blame the kid instead of placing  the blame on the 30 year old man who probably didn't have custody enough until he moved in with you and lied to you, run. This is not going to end well for you and your bio kid., >He's threatened to call the police and tell them I'm attracted to little kids or call the police and tell them I physically abuse him.

You need to get yourself and your kids out of that house and away from this psychopath right now. You cannot do it fast enough. Theatening someone like that is domestic abuse. You need to go to a safe place, whether it's your parents or a sibling or some extended family or a friend, or even a women's shelter. For your safety and the safety of your kids, you need to get the fuck away from that maniac as fast as you can.

And get a restraining order., Wow. It's as if everyone here forgot their thick skin. So high and mighty.

Regardless of Autism, the father/your partner should be a lot more supportive of how you're feeling and what you're going through. This is not okay. Now, just because it's not okay isn't a golden ticket. Without support and by that I mean open communication, help learning how his son deals with x, y, or z and an assortment of other stuff... This is going to be really difficult.

All kids pick up bad behaviors from their peers. There's a student in my sons special education class that meows. My son does too, now. My son hits his chest like Tarzan when he's mad sometimes. Another parent mentioned her son does this sometimes too when he didn't before. This is essentially the same as any child who comes home with a new 'behavior'.

However, it's your job as the parent to talk about what behaviors are safe, alternatives, etc and just try your best to guide while being understanding and accommodating. It's not just children with autism. It's all kids.

I'm sorry that the family is unsupportive, perhaps a little uninformed or they just don't care. Not everyone is proactive and some people refuse to be reactive. That's not going to help but take it at face value. 

You can't fix anyone but yourself in this circumstance. In a perfect world, I would suggest you talk to your partner a lot. Maybe write down questions, ask about them. How receptive is your partner to good, adult communication? 

If you feel lied to now, hoodwinked or whatever it isn't going to get better after you have another child. I can appreciate that you're here, looking for answers but your one man army needs to be a cohesive, parenting unit to approach this. 

I hope you find the support you need with your significant other or walk away. You shouldn't feel threated or unsafe in your own home. A lot of parents here feel the same way and don't have an out. If no one will support you, you need to take the out. Good luck. I hope you get the answers you seek.

Edit, you aren't an asshole. You're scared, in a bad situation and are pregnant facing a situation you aren't prepared for. Give yourself some grace, take a breath and figure out what's next., You’re just an asshole generally.  Gtfo of here., Is the 12 year old boy's mother still on the scene and does she share custody? What about the school he attends? What is their opinion? You should seek independent advice from local agencies on this. The child should receive therapy for his disability.

You also do not want to raise a newborn in such circumstances where you are unsure of its safety. Your opinions also need to be respected.

Time to kick your partner out I suspect. You can still see each other without living together if you really want to., Well you started off strong but ended up an ass.
 Autism isn’t contagious. Your kids should be around all sorts of people so they can learn to be accepting and loving., What what a bunch of shitbags. He’s clearly missing out on interventions, therapies that would have helped him for years by now. Now he’s gotten old enough to recognize the encouragement from his family, so he’s convinced this is the right way to act, so intervening now will be more difficult.

 His dad really failed him here.

I’m sorry you never got to know these details before you became pregnant with this man’s child.

Will this kid pose a problem for a new baby in the house?, Hi, im a friend on a throw away account. The boyfriend is a mega liar. He painted a picture of a perfect kid who had no behavioural problems whatsoever. The OP, is not lying. This “parent” of the 12 year old is the most incompetent father and he thinks his kid is okay, and succeeding.

** thought 
I would add for clarification if there was behaviour problems and they were mentioned beforehand and there was plans in place to help this kid,  I don’t think this would be as big as a deal , it wouldn’t also be as big if this 30y/o was parenting them, sounds like BF is a liar? 🤷‍♂️, Your post isnt really about autism.  It's about a child whose needs are being neglected by a family that is enabling that child and ignoring very important social and behavioural milestones.  Every therapist i have talked to reminds me that autistic children are still children first.  Just because they have difficulties with certain skills does not mean that they are immune from being total assholes, falling victim to bad parenting, and suffering from neglect. 

My child has autism, and i still feel your concerns are extremely important.  But really, this is about your relationship with the father.  This needs to be dealt with, but i guess it really depends on how you want to handle it., If we look at this more objectively, do you think that it is OK and not impactful on her children seeing her spoken to like this? With the threats he's making?

We all have a duty of care to OUR children. Heck, we have all read posts where families have chosen to separate to be able to do what's best for all of the children so they're not impacted. 

Let's have some empathy here for her, too., I’m not worried about my children catching autism, I have a few friends and family members with autism and they’re a great part of our lives. I’m worried about the behavioural aspect of it and how that will influence my toddler and baby growing up. I don’t want them thinking it’s okay to act that way and the way it affects our family dynamic, No they're going to ""catch"" that acting like a little shit is just peachy., They're talking about the KID making those threats. 


Just terrible parenting. Probably should've met his child and witnessed his parenting before putting him on the rack as baby daddy #2., The kids making the threats and if they are telling the truth about this kid…how many times has your pre teen threatened you?, His mother has split custody so the child is with us 50% of the time. She is in the same predicament as she doesn’t see an issue with her son either despite being told by an occupational therapist he needs help due to his lack of motor skills. The school board had tried to get involved but his parents told them they were looking into getting him tested and working with doctors and speech therapists already so they have stepped back assuming he’s already receiving help. However none of that is happening this child hasn’t seen a family doctor in years. As I am not a parent I cannot legally do anything without his parents signing off on it. I just want my step son to be able to get the help he needs to better himself for the future as I understand how undiagnosed autism and other issues can have long term affects on people physically and emotionally. His parents refuse to help him or take him to anyone and let him sit in front of video games for 8-12 hours a day every day and seem to just rather keep him happy than deal with the root causes of his issues, Why would you want your child around a kid like that, neurotypical or not.  Autism doesn't rub off, but bad behaviour does.  There is a difference.  We all have a responsibility to learn to behave properly and to teach our kids to do so, with or without autism.  Where a person lands is a different story.

Any therapist worth their salt will tell you that., I love my step son but as someone who can see a difference I want him to get help and the treatments he needs to have an overall better quality of life. I’ve seen autistic family members have early involvement with specialists and doctors and the difference it can make. I just want him to be the best version of himself that can be and I feel like his family has failed him I just don’t know how to help, Or OP is. We don’t actually know which one is to be fair. It’s the internet., THIS!!!, agree. i am offended by OP's tone and diction, but still sympathize with her situation, what it must be doing to her, and what it must be doing to her kids., I know she may be panicked and not thinking straight but she is posting in the wrong place with that type of mindset. Just being honest!, You're NOT the asshole. I don't have any advice here but I want to reassure you that being concerned about your children is not illogical nor selfish. I have an autistic 7 year old, and our NT 5 year old as has picked up unpreferred behaviors and has received less idealistic parenting as a result., Not completely sure why you are being downvoted to be honest. Even though you have been threatened by him you still want what is best for the 12 year old. He needs help and therapy or he will be quite difficult to interact with in later life. His father may not want a diagnosis but there are so many benefits for gaining it., i see. i'm sorry., yeah, i really misunderstood that :-/, I'd not want my own child to be raised by a father who is fine with his own child living like that while lying to teachers that he is doing all these things for his child. 


You'll very likely have to constantly work against him when trying to raise your shared child. Why would you want that for yourself and your kid?, It is not good enough that his parents are telling the school one thing and doing the opposite, presumably to save money and their own efforts. The boy is basically being neglected and put in the too hard basket.

In saying all that, you have already told his father your views on this and he is not agreeing to do anything about it. There is not much more you can do on that front. It would be best to avoid getting into more conflicts about this subject because it would mostly affect your own wellbeing.

You have some difficult decisions ahead so I wish you the best going forward., I was referring to the ‘slow’ family members they mentioned. Or rather shouldn’t have mentioned…, At 12 it's far too late for early intervention. And you don't have parental responsibility, so there's not much you can do here. That might just be something you have to accept, and make your own decisions from there., so far you've said some pretty offensive things, but this particular comment is actually quite nice. idk why you're getting downvoted for it.

anyway, i'm going to make this pretty blunt, but i'm not exaggerating the least bit. i really think you need to hear this.

>He’s threatened to call the police and tell them I’m attracted to little kids or call the police and tell them I physically abuse him.

Read that again. HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! How can a loving person threaten you like that? How can someone who loves you threaten you like that? They can't! If this guy has threatened you like that, he clearly doesn't love you.

Your boyfriend is an abuser, and if you stay with him you, and potentially your children, are going to end up repeated victims of domestic violence at his hands., One thing I want to warn you about is I had a bad experience from an autistic older brother who was physically abusive to me and sexually abusive to other family members and his behavior was played off as autizm. Please make sure you know what you're getting into. It's very common among autistic children., And how did she move the guy and his kid into her place without ever meeting the kid. There’s lots of missing info here., sure.

\_edit to add:\_ i don't mean that to be dismissive. i mean that literally. OP could be lying, yeah., She hasn't said or done anything remotely rude.  You're taking this too personally. 

Remember that this is a sub for parents of children for autism.  This really isn't directed at people with autism.

A big reason we post here is because we have a different life experience and concerns than people who actually have autism.  I've posted in autism subs and parents often get poor information because there are many people with autism who are extremely sensitive (and understandably so), but in a sub where you're not even the primary audience, I think you should consider taking a step back and letting the parents here actually be sincere and honest without needing to worry about offending you.  Don't kid yourself, i believe your need to advocate for the sensibilities of people with autism is admirable, but please don't block people from sharing their personal and genuine feelings when they;re really not even talking to you directly.  

It's nothing personal, but just like you, we have a different experience of autism.  Where you have to live it, we have to live with watching it as parents every single day.  In her case, she is likely terribly worried about her partners child, but feels helpless to contribute.  That's hard man,

So please dont shut it down., \>I’m also worried about the affect that having him around my children will have on them as well as having his family around my children as they are also kind of on the slower side  


Respectfully she kinda is an asshole and an idiot for having a baby with someone she apparently didnt know much about, you never said that in your original post.  I dont think that from reading it the issue this parent has was the ""slow"" family members., Concise and educated comment here. Agree completely 👍, The 12 year old threatened that not the boyfriend., There is for sure, You’re fine. And yeah we only have one side. And she said single dad so we don’t know if he had full custody and what happened. But I do find it weird she never meet the kid before things got serious…I mean this could all absolutely be true, especially to her eyes. 

Imma show my age here. There’s an old show called Duck Van Dyke and one of my favorite episodes is one where there is a fight, you see it three times. One from his point of view, one from hers and then you get the pet fish’s point of view which is what really happened. I’m sure that this is the situation as she sees it but we are missing context and we are missing the other side. But somethings weird here., I understand.

To be clear, I think this is a great post, I learn a lot from reding the replies, and I didn't mean to imply that I should never be offended or that things that offend me should be wiped off the internet., I called out one part of her post. That’s it. Not shutting anything down. I think you’re reading too much into my very short and direct response. 

And considering autism is genetic, I think you would be surprised how many people here are autistic., He lied and he's older so I put most of the culpability on Dad, here., Yea true. I didn't see that bit. It's tough anyway :(



This made me think about my own story however. My wife never seemed ""slow"" to me, but I assumed her mom was senile or was starting dementia. I didnt give this a whole lot of concern and got married and had kids. I was in my 20s with obviously less life experiennce


Well now my kids: One is level 2 autistic, other is either ADHD or NT. Turns out my wife is adhd, maybe level 1 autism (after learning the symptoms).  It never occured to me in my youth not to have kids with her because, People don't have multiple baby daddies because they're wise about choosing partners., Well yea they have a lot going on it seems. 
But they directly asked AITA so I gave them an answer., thank you, i'm sorry., And I think you're reading too little as the original poster's issue was not that the child had autism.  Agree to disagree?, bingo!, She never once thought to meet this kid BEFORE getting into a serious relationship with someone?, I really hope OP can abort and move on because she isn't the right fit for this family. That is OK but let's not blame the 12 yr old and ""slow"" family members. For all we know her kid has a good chance of not being NT as well given the genetics on both sides and her kid might be the ""rude monster"" she claims this 12 yr old is.  


The guy she is impregnated by is the cause of her friction, It’s literally the title of the post?

All I said was that the fact that she’s posting her opinion on not wanting her child around another autistic child in an ***autism parent subreddit*** is pretty tone deaf. Based on the upvotes, others agree.

I didn’t say anything more. Not sure what you’re trying to get at here. Not interested in going back and forth., [deleted], >The guy she is impregnated by is the cause of her friction

I am genuinely worried for OP and her kids. First off, this guy lied to her about his son. Second, he doesn't care that she's suffering abuse from his son. Third, he's maintaining control over her by threatening to accuse her of felonies. Dear god, this is not going to end well if she doesn't get the hell out., Yup. I agree., That's the child making threats, Reread that. The kids making threats not the boyfriend., Almost like the boyfriend wants the OP to be a slave to look after his kids rather than a respected mother figure., okay, i'm sorry. thank you., How did he get straight A's if he can't hold a pencil 🤔, My advice and suggestions.

It sounds as though the stepson also has dyspraxia due to the physical coordination issues. It maybe worth pushing for this diagnosis first, if you want to stay around.

But honestly, as a mother of a child with autism, my advice is to run, ask him to leave today. Not because of the child, but because of his poor parenting and not being able to do what's in his child's best interests. Imagine what a fight you'd have if you clash over the baby's best interests.

A child making such venomous comments regarding abuse, has issues potentially far bigger than any autism diagnosis. 

Given your age, rack this up as relationship experience you won't repeat. Make sure you habitually have lived experience with all new partners and are not reliant on trusting their word!, This is a dumpster fire and if you can astill have an abortion I would do so and break up with the guy.   


as well as having his family around my children as they are also kind of on the slower side and don’t see anything wrong with his behaviours.  


What an amzing future for your child. What the fuck does this even mean, YTA for posting that you don’t want your child around another child that may have autism in an “Autism_Parenting” subreddit 

Come on, I mean, I feel like you are limited in what you can do but I hope your partners’ complete unwillingness to do the bare minimum for their existing child is a wake up call for you., Your kids aren’t going to catch autism from your stepson 🙄. Also I don’t understand…you never had him around your kids before you got married?

But you’re NTA for thinking he is autistic but YTA for the obvious disdain you seem to have for him., It sounds like you may be right, but unfortunately don’t really have any say in getting him diagnosed.  It sounds doubtful that you will convince anyone, so you may need to think about how you can help him without a diagnosis

His behavior is unacceptable, whether he is autistic or not.  I would tell your husband that the behaviors need to be addressed or you are taking your kids and leaving., You are 23 and your 30yr old boyfriend moved in with YOU? Cut your losses and kick him out. This doesn't sound like a normal situation at all. You should vet your prospective partners better especially since you already have a child from a previous relationship to worry about. I don't think you are an AH, but I think you lack life and dating experience. For fks sake your boyfriends son is only 11years younger than you, you aren't even twice his age! There is nothing you can do for the 12yr old child that isn't yours, but you have some choices to make about your unborn child. There is a good chance that this child will also be on the spectrum and you can either spend the rest of your life fighting with his family to get it help, leave the boyfriend and seek primary custody to make all medical decisions, or possibly have an abortion. Because let's face it, this baby daddy is not going to be much help and I personally wouldn't want them involved in my life what so ever., This sounds more of a ""blended family issue"" and there are better subs for that. It also sounds like there are communication issues etc between you and boyfriend.

The kid is not the issue. The boyfriend is. And he isn't going to take any parenting advice from you  (prob due to age gap and his own hubris).

If you can't accept this kid and blame the kid instead of placing  the blame on the 30 year old man who probably didn't have custody enough until he moved in with you and lied to you, run. This is not going to end well for you and your bio kid., >He's threatened to call the police and tell them I'm attracted to little kids or call the police and tell them I physically abuse him.

You need to get yourself and your kids out of that house and away from this psychopath right now. You cannot do it fast enough. Theatening someone like that is domestic abuse. You need to go to a safe place, whether it's your parents or a sibling or some extended family or a friend, or even a women's shelter. For your safety and the safety of your kids, you need to get the fuck away from that maniac as fast as you can.

And get a restraining order., Wow. It's as if everyone here forgot their thick skin. So high and mighty.

Regardless of Autism, the father/your partner should be a lot more supportive of how you're feeling and what you're going through. This is not okay. Now, just because it's not okay isn't a golden ticket. Without support and by that I mean open communication, help learning how his son deals with x, y, or z and an assortment of other stuff... This is going to be really difficult.

All kids pick up bad behaviors from their peers. There's a student in my sons special education class that meows. My son does too, now. My son hits his chest like Tarzan when he's mad sometimes. Another parent mentioned her son does this sometimes too when he didn't before. This is essentially the same as any child who comes home with a new 'behavior'.

However, it's your job as the parent to talk about what behaviors are safe, alternatives, etc and just try your best to guide while being understanding and accommodating. It's not just children with autism. It's all kids.

I'm sorry that the family is unsupportive, perhaps a little uninformed or they just don't care. Not everyone is proactive and some people refuse to be reactive. That's not going to help but take it at face value. 

You can't fix anyone but yourself in this circumstance. In a perfect world, I would suggest you talk to your partner a lot. Maybe write down questions, ask about them. How receptive is your partner to good, adult communication? 

If you feel lied to now, hoodwinked or whatever it isn't going to get better after you have another child. I can appreciate that you're here, looking for answers but your one man army needs to be a cohesive, parenting unit to approach this. 

I hope you find the support you need with your significant other or walk away. You shouldn't feel threated or unsafe in your own home. A lot of parents here feel the same way and don't have an out. If no one will support you, you need to take the out. Good luck. I hope you get the answers you seek.

Edit, you aren't an asshole. You're scared, in a bad situation and are pregnant facing a situation you aren't prepared for. Give yourself some grace, take a breath and figure out what's next., You’re just an asshole generally.  Gtfo of here., Is the 12 year old boy's mother still on the scene and does she share custody? What about the school he attends? What is their opinion? You should seek independent advice from local agencies on this. The child should receive therapy for his disability.

You also do not want to raise a newborn in such circumstances where you are unsure of its safety. Your opinions also need to be respected.

Time to kick your partner out I suspect. You can still see each other without living together if you really want to., Well you started off strong but ended up an ass.
 Autism isn’t contagious. Your kids should be around all sorts of people so they can learn to be accepting and loving., What what a bunch of shitbags. He’s clearly missing out on interventions, therapies that would have helped him for years by now. Now he’s gotten old enough to recognize the encouragement from his family, so he’s convinced this is the right way to act, so intervening now will be more difficult.

 His dad really failed him here.

I’m sorry you never got to know these details before you became pregnant with this man’s child.

Will this kid pose a problem for a new baby in the house?, Hi, im a friend on a throw away account. The boyfriend is a mega liar. He painted a picture of a perfect kid who had no behavioural problems whatsoever. The OP, is not lying. This “parent” of the 12 year old is the most incompetent father and he thinks his kid is okay, and succeeding.

** thought 
I would add for clarification if there was behaviour problems and they were mentioned beforehand and there was plans in place to help this kid,  I don’t think this would be as big as a deal , it wouldn’t also be as big if this 30y/o was parenting them, sounds like BF is a liar? 🤷‍♂️, Your post isnt really about autism.  It's about a child whose needs are being neglected by a family that is enabling that child and ignoring very important social and behavioural milestones.  Every therapist i have talked to reminds me that autistic children are still children first.  Just because they have difficulties with certain skills does not mean that they are immune from being total assholes, falling victim to bad parenting, and suffering from neglect. 

My child has autism, and i still feel your concerns are extremely important.  But really, this is about your relationship with the father.  This needs to be dealt with, but i guess it really depends on how you want to handle it., If we look at this more objectively, do you think that it is OK and not impactful on her children seeing her spoken to like this? With the threats he's making?

We all have a duty of care to OUR children. Heck, we have all read posts where families have chosen to separate to be able to do what's best for all of the children so they're not impacted. 

Let's have some empathy here for her, too., I’m not worried about my children catching autism, I have a few friends and family members with autism and they’re a great part of our lives. I’m worried about the behavioural aspect of it and how that will influence my toddler and baby growing up. I don’t want them thinking it’s okay to act that way and the way it affects our family dynamic, No they're going to ""catch"" that acting like a little shit is just peachy., They're talking about the KID making those threats. 


Just terrible parenting. Probably should've met his child and witnessed his parenting before putting him on the rack as baby daddy #2., The kids making the threats and if they are telling the truth about this kid…how many times has your pre teen threatened you?, His mother has split custody so the child is with us 50% of the time. She is in the same predicament as she doesn’t see an issue with her son either despite being told by an occupational therapist he needs help due to his lack of motor skills. The school board had tried to get involved but his parents told them they were looking into getting him tested and working with doctors and speech therapists already so they have stepped back assuming he’s already receiving help. However none of that is happening this child hasn’t seen a family doctor in years. As I am not a parent I cannot legally do anything without his parents signing off on it. I just want my step son to be able to get the help he needs to better himself for the future as I understand how undiagnosed autism and other issues can have long term affects on people physically and emotionally. His parents refuse to help him or take him to anyone and let him sit in front of video games for 8-12 hours a day every day and seem to just rather keep him happy than deal with the root causes of his issues, Why would you want your child around a kid like that, neurotypical or not.  Autism doesn't rub off, but bad behaviour does.  There is a difference.  We all have a responsibility to learn to behave properly and to teach our kids to do so, with or without autism.  Where a person lands is a different story.

Any therapist worth their salt will tell you that., I love my step son but as someone who can see a difference I want him to get help and the treatments he needs to have an overall better quality of life. I’ve seen autistic family members have early involvement with specialists and doctors and the difference it can make. I just want him to be the best version of himself that can be and I feel like his family has failed him I just don’t know how to help, Or OP is. We don’t actually know which one is to be fair. It’s the internet., THIS!!!, agree. i am offended by OP's tone and diction, but still sympathize with her situation, what it must be doing to her, and what it must be doing to her kids., I know she may be panicked and not thinking straight but she is posting in the wrong place with that type of mindset. Just being honest!, You're NOT the asshole. I don't have any advice here but I want to reassure you that being concerned about your children is not illogical nor selfish. I have an autistic 7 year old, and our NT 5 year old as has picked up unpreferred behaviors and has received less idealistic parenting as a result., Not completely sure why you are being downvoted to be honest. Even though you have been threatened by him you still want what is best for the 12 year old. He needs help and therapy or he will be quite difficult to interact with in later life. His father may not want a diagnosis but there are so many benefits for gaining it., i see. i'm sorry., yeah, i really misunderstood that :-/, I'd not want my own child to be raised by a father who is fine with his own child living like that while lying to teachers that he is doing all these things for his child. 


You'll very likely have to constantly work against him when trying to raise your shared child. Why would you want that for yourself and your kid?, It is not good enough that his parents are telling the school one thing and doing the opposite, presumably to save money and their own efforts. The boy is basically being neglected and put in the too hard basket.

In saying all that, you have already told his father your views on this and he is not agreeing to do anything about it. There is not much more you can do on that front. It would be best to avoid getting into more conflicts about this subject because it would mostly affect your own wellbeing.

You have some difficult decisions ahead so I wish you the best going forward., I was referring to the ‘slow’ family members they mentioned. Or rather shouldn’t have mentioned…, At 12 it's far too late for early intervention. And you don't have parental responsibility, so there's not much you can do here. That might just be something you have to accept, and make your own decisions from there., so far you've said some pretty offensive things, but this particular comment is actually quite nice. idk why you're getting downvoted for it.

anyway, i'm going to make this pretty blunt, but i'm not exaggerating the least bit. i really think you need to hear this.

>He’s threatened to call the police and tell them I’m attracted to little kids or call the police and tell them I physically abuse him.

Read that again. HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! How can a loving person threaten you like that? How can someone who loves you threaten you like that? They can't! If this guy has threatened you like that, he clearly doesn't love you.

Your boyfriend is an abuser, and if you stay with him you, and potentially your children, are going to end up repeated victims of domestic violence at his hands., One thing I want to warn you about is I had a bad experience from an autistic older brother who was physically abusive to me and sexually abusive to other family members and his behavior was played off as autizm. Please make sure you know what you're getting into. It's very common among autistic children., And how did she move the guy and his kid into her place without ever meeting the kid. There’s lots of missing info here., sure.

\_edit to add:\_ i don't mean that to be dismissive. i mean that literally. OP could be lying, yeah., She hasn't said or done anything remotely rude.  You're taking this too personally. 

Remember that this is a sub for parents of children for autism.  This really isn't directed at people with autism.

A big reason we post here is because we have a different life experience and concerns than people who actually have autism.  I've posted in autism subs and parents often get poor information because there are many people with autism who are extremely sensitive (and understandably so), but in a sub where you're not even the primary audience, I think you should consider taking a step back and letting the parents here actually be sincere and honest without needing to worry about offending you.  Don't kid yourself, i believe your need to advocate for the sensibilities of people with autism is admirable, but please don't block people from sharing their personal and genuine feelings when they;re really not even talking to you directly.  

It's nothing personal, but just like you, we have a different experience of autism.  Where you have to live it, we have to live with watching it as parents every single day.  In her case, she is likely terribly worried about her partners child, but feels helpless to contribute.  That's hard man,

So please dont shut it down., \>I’m also worried about the affect that having him around my children will have on them as well as having his family around my children as they are also kind of on the slower side  


Respectfully she kinda is an asshole and an idiot for having a baby with someone she apparently didnt know much about, you never said that in your original post.  I dont think that from reading it the issue this parent has was the ""slow"" family members., Concise and educated comment here. Agree completely 👍, The 12 year old threatened that not the boyfriend., There is for sure, You’re fine. And yeah we only have one side. And she said single dad so we don’t know if he had full custody and what happened. But I do find it weird she never meet the kid before things got serious…I mean this could all absolutely be true, especially to her eyes. 

Imma show my age here. There’s an old show called Duck Van Dyke and one of my favorite episodes is one where there is a fight, you see it three times. One from his point of view, one from hers and then you get the pet fish’s point of view which is what really happened. I’m sure that this is the situation as she sees it but we are missing context and we are missing the other side. But somethings weird here., I understand.

To be clear, I think this is a great post, I learn a lot from reding the replies, and I didn't mean to imply that I should never be offended or that things that offend me should be wiped off the internet., I called out one part of her post. That’s it. Not shutting anything down. I think you’re reading too much into my very short and direct response. 

And considering autism is genetic, I think you would be surprised how many people here are autistic., He lied and he's older so I put most of the culpability on Dad, here., Yea true. I didn't see that bit. It's tough anyway :(



This made me think about my own story however. My wife never seemed ""slow"" to me, but I assumed her mom was senile or was starting dementia. I didnt give this a whole lot of concern and got married and had kids. I was in my 20s with obviously less life experiennce


Well now my kids: One is level 2 autistic, other is either ADHD or NT. Turns out my wife is adhd, maybe level 1 autism (after learning the symptoms).  It never occured to me in my youth not to have kids with her because, People don't have multiple baby daddies because they're wise about choosing partners., Well yea they have a lot going on it seems. 
But they directly asked AITA so I gave them an answer., thank you, i'm sorry., And I think you're reading too little as the original poster's issue was not that the child had autism.  Agree to disagree?, bingo!, She never once thought to meet this kid BEFORE getting into a serious relationship with someone?, I really hope OP can abort and move on because she isn't the right fit for this family. That is OK but let's not blame the 12 yr old and ""slow"" family members. For all we know her kid has a good chance of not being NT as well given the genetics on both sides and her kid might be the ""rude monster"" she claims this 12 yr old is.  


The guy she is impregnated by is the cause of her friction, It’s literally the title of the post?

All I said was that the fact that she’s posting her opinion on not wanting her child around another autistic child in an ***autism parent subreddit*** is pretty tone deaf. Based on the upvotes, others agree.

I didn’t say anything more. Not sure what you’re trying to get at here. Not interested in going back and forth., [deleted], >The guy she is impregnated by is the cause of her friction

I am genuinely worried for OP and her kids. First off, this guy lied to her about his son. Second, he doesn't care that she's suffering abuse from his son. Third, he's maintaining control over her by threatening to accuse her of felonies. Dear god, this is not going to end well if she doesn't get the hell out., Yup. I agree., That's the child making threats, Reread that. The kids making threats not the boyfriend., Almost like the boyfriend wants the OP to be a slave to look after his kids rather than a respected mother figure., okay, i'm sorry. thank you., How did he get straight A's if he can't hold a pencil 🤔, My advice and suggestions.

It sounds as though the stepson also has dyspraxia due to the physical coordination issues. It maybe worth pushing for this diagnosis first, if you want to stay around.

But honestly, as a mother of a child with autism, my advice is to run, ask him to leave today. Not because of the child, but because of his poor parenting and not being able to do what's in his child's best interests. Imagine what a fight you'd have if you clash over the baby's best interests.

A child making such venomous comments regarding abuse, has issues potentially far bigger than any autism diagnosis. 

Given your age, rack this up as relationship experience you won't repeat. Make sure you habitually have lived experience with all new partners and are not reliant on trusting their word!, This is a dumpster fire and if you can astill have an abortion I would do so and break up with the guy.   


as well as having his family around my children as they are also kind of on the slower side and don’t see anything wrong with his behaviours.  


What an amzing future for your child. What the fuck does this even mean, YTA for posting that you don’t want your child around another child that may have autism in an “Autism_Parenting” subreddit 

Come on, I mean, I feel like you are limited in what you can do but I hope your partners’ complete unwillingness to do the bare minimum for their existing child is a wake up call for you., Your kids aren’t going to catch autism from your stepson 🙄. Also I don’t understand…you never had him around your kids before you got married?

But you’re NTA for thinking he is autistic but YTA for the obvious disdain you seem to have for him., It sounds like you may be right, but unfortunately don’t really have any say in getting him diagnosed.  It sounds doubtful that you will convince anyone, so you may need to think about how you can help him without a diagnosis

His behavior is unacceptable, whether he is autistic or not.  I would tell your husband that the behaviors need to be addressed or you are taking your kids and leaving., You are 23 and your 30yr old boyfriend moved in with YOU? Cut your losses and kick him out. This doesn't sound like a normal situation at all. You should vet your prospective partners better especially since you already have a child from a previous relationship to worry about. I don't think you are an AH, but I think you lack life and dating experience. For fks sake your boyfriends son is only 11years younger than you, you aren't even twice his age! There is nothing you can do for the 12yr old child that isn't yours, but you have some choices to make about your unborn child. There is a good chance that this child will also be on the spectrum and you can either spend the rest of your life fighting with his family to get it help, leave the boyfriend and seek primary custody to make all medical decisions, or possibly have an abortion. Because let's face it, this baby daddy is not going to be much help and I personally wouldn't want them involved in my life what so ever., This sounds more of a ""blended family issue"" and there are better subs for that. It also sounds like there are communication issues etc between you and boyfriend.

The kid is not the issue. The boyfriend is. And he isn't going to take any parenting advice from you  (prob due to age gap and his own hubris).

If you can't accept this kid and blame the kid instead of placing  the blame on the 30 year old man who probably didn't have custody enough until he moved in with you and lied to you, run. This is not going to end well for you and your bio kid., >He's threatened to call the police and tell them I'm attracted to little kids or call the police and tell them I physically abuse him.

You need to get yourself and your kids out of that house and away from this psychopath right now. You cannot do it fast enough. Theatening someone like that is domestic abuse. You need to go to a safe place, whether it's your parents or a sibling or some extended family or a friend, or even a women's shelter. For your safety and the safety of your kids, you need to get the fuck away from that maniac as fast as you can.

And get a restraining order., Wow. It's as if everyone here forgot their thick skin. So high and mighty.

Regardless of Autism, the father/your partner should be a lot more supportive of how you're feeling and what you're going through. This is not okay. Now, just because it's not okay isn't a golden ticket. Without support and by that I mean open communication, help learning how his son deals with x, y, or z and an assortment of other stuff... This is going to be really difficult.

All kids pick up bad behaviors from their peers. There's a student in my sons special education class that meows. My son does too, now. My son hits his chest like Tarzan when he's mad sometimes. Another parent mentioned her son does this sometimes too when he didn't before. This is essentially the same as any child who comes home with a new 'behavior'.

However, it's your job as the parent to talk about what behaviors are safe, alternatives, etc and just try your best to guide while being understanding and accommodating. It's not just children with autism. It's all kids.

I'm sorry that the family is unsupportive, perhaps a little uninformed or they just don't care. Not everyone is proactive and some people refuse to be reactive. That's not going to help but take it at face value. 

You can't fix anyone but yourself in this circumstance. In a perfect world, I would suggest you talk to your partner a lot. Maybe write down questions, ask about them. How receptive is your partner to good, adult communication? 

If you feel lied to now, hoodwinked or whatever it isn't going to get better after you have another child. I can appreciate that you're here, looking for answers but your one man army needs to be a cohesive, parenting unit to approach this. 

I hope you find the support you need with your significant other or walk away. You shouldn't feel threated or unsafe in your own home. A lot of parents here feel the same way and don't have an out. If no one will support you, you need to take the out. Good luck. I hope you get the answers you seek.

Edit, you aren't an asshole. You're scared, in a bad situation and are pregnant facing a situation you aren't prepared for. Give yourself some grace, take a breath and figure out what's next., You’re just an asshole generally.  Gtfo of here., Is the 12 year old boy's mother still on the scene and does she share custody? What about the school he attends? What is their opinion? You should seek independent advice from local agencies on this. The child should receive therapy for his disability.

You also do not want to raise a newborn in such circumstances where you are unsure of its safety. Your opinions also need to be respected.

Time to kick your partner out I suspect. You can still see each other without living together if you really want to., Well you started off strong but ended up an ass.
 Autism isn’t contagious. Your kids should be around all sorts of people so they can learn to be accepting and loving., What what a bunch of shitbags. He’s clearly missing out on interventions, therapies that would have helped him for years by now. Now he’s gotten old enough to recognize the encouragement from his family, so he’s convinced this is the right way to act, so intervening now will be more difficult.

 His dad really failed him here.

I’m sorry you never got to know these details before you became pregnant with this man’s child.

Will this kid pose a problem for a new baby in the house?, Hi, im a friend on a throw away account. The boyfriend is a mega liar. He painted a picture of a perfect kid who had no behavioural problems whatsoever. The OP, is not lying. This “parent” of the 12 year old is the most incompetent father and he thinks his kid is okay, and succeeding.

** thought 
I would add for clarification if there was behaviour problems and they were mentioned beforehand and there was plans in place to help this kid,  I don’t think this would be as big as a deal , it wouldn’t also be as big if this 30y/o was parenting them, sounds like BF is a liar? 🤷‍♂️, Your post isnt really about autism.  It's about a child whose needs are being neglected by a family that is enabling that child and ignoring very important social and behavioural milestones.  Every therapist i have talked to reminds me that autistic children are still children first.  Just because they have difficulties with certain skills does not mean that they are immune from being total assholes, falling victim to bad parenting, and suffering from neglect. 

My child has autism, and i still feel your concerns are extremely important.  But really, this is about your relationship with the father.  This needs to be dealt with, but i guess it really depends on how you want to handle it., If we look at this more objectively, do you think that it is OK and not impactful on her children seeing her spoken to like this? With the threats he's making?

We all have a duty of care to OUR children. Heck, we have all read posts where families have chosen to separate to be able to do what's best for all of the children so they're not impacted. 

Let's have some empathy here for her, too., I’m not worried about my children catching autism, I have a few friends and family members with autism and they’re a great part of our lives. I’m worried about the behavioural aspect of it and how that will influence my toddler and baby growing up. I don’t want them thinking it’s okay to act that way and the way it affects our family dynamic, No they're going to ""catch"" that acting like a little shit is just peachy., They're talking about the KID making those threats. 


Just terrible parenting. Probably should've met his child and witnessed his parenting before putting him on the rack as baby daddy #2., The kids making the threats and if they are telling the truth about this kid…how many times has your pre teen threatened you?, His mother has split custody so the child is with us 50% of the time. She is in the same predicament as she doesn’t see an issue with her son either despite being told by an occupational therapist he needs help due to his lack of motor skills. The school board had tried to get involved but his parents told them they were looking into getting him tested and working with doctors and speech therapists already so they have stepped back assuming he’s already receiving help. However none of that is happening this child hasn’t seen a family doctor in years. As I am not a parent I cannot legally do anything without his parents signing off on it. I just want my step son to be able to get the help he needs to better himself for the future as I understand how undiagnosed autism and other issues can have long term affects on people physically and emotionally. His parents refuse to help him or take him to anyone and let him sit in front of video games for 8-12 hours a day every day and seem to just rather keep him happy than deal with the root causes of his issues, Why would you want your child around a kid like that, neurotypical or not.  Autism doesn't rub off, but bad behaviour does.  There is a difference.  We all have a responsibility to learn to behave properly and to teach our kids to do so, with or without autism.  Where a person lands is a different story.

Any therapist worth their salt will tell you that., I love my step son but as someone who can see a difference I want him to get help and the treatments he needs to have an overall better quality of life. I’ve seen autistic family members have early involvement with specialists and doctors and the difference it can make. I just want him to be the best version of himself that can be and I feel like his family has failed him I just don’t know how to help, Or OP is. We don’t actually know which one is to be fair. It’s the internet., THIS!!!, agree. i am offended by OP's tone and diction, but still sympathize with her situation, what it must be doing to her, and what it must be doing to her kids., I know she may be panicked and not thinking straight but she is posting in the wrong place with that type of mindset. Just being honest!, You're NOT the asshole. I don't have any advice here but I want to reassure you that being concerned about your children is not illogical nor selfish. I have an autistic 7 year old, and our NT 5 year old as has picked up unpreferred behaviors and has received less idealistic parenting as a result., Not completely sure why you are being downvoted to be honest. Even though you have been threatened by him you still want what is best for the 12 year old. He needs help and therapy or he will be quite difficult to interact with in later life. His father may not want a diagnosis but there are so many benefits for gaining it., i see. i'm sorry., yeah, i really misunderstood that :-/, I'd not want my own child to be raised by a father who is fine with his own child living like that while lying to teachers that he is doing all these things for his child. 


You'll very likely have to constantly work against him when trying to raise your shared child. Why would you want that for yourself and your kid?, It is not good enough that his parents are telling the school one thing and doing the opposite, presumably to save money and their own efforts. The boy is basically being neglected and put in the too hard basket.

In saying all that, you have already told his father your views on this and he is not agreeing to do anything about it. There is not much more you can do on that front. It would be best to avoid getting into more conflicts about this subject because it would mostly affect your own wellbeing.

You have some difficult decisions ahead so I wish you the best going forward., I was referring to the ‘slow’ family members they mentioned. Or rather shouldn’t have mentioned…, At 12 it's far too late for early intervention. And you don't have parental responsibility, so there's not much you can do here. That might just be something you have to accept, and make your own decisions from there., so far you've said some pretty offensive things, but this particular comment is actually quite nice. idk why you're getting downvoted for it.

anyway, i'm going to make this pretty blunt, but i'm not exaggerating the least bit. i really think you need to hear this.

>He’s threatened to call the police and tell them I’m attracted to little kids or call the police and tell them I physically abuse him.

Read that again. HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! How can a loving person threaten you like that? How can someone who loves you threaten you like that? They can't! If this guy has threatened you like that, he clearly doesn't love you.

Your boyfriend is an abuser, and if you stay with him you, and potentially your children, are going to end up repeated victims of domestic violence at his hands., One thing I want to warn you about is I had a bad experience from an autistic older brother who was physically abusive to me and sexually abusive to other family members and his behavior was played off as autizm. Please make sure you know what you're getting into. It's very common among autistic children., And how did she move the guy and his kid into her place without ever meeting the kid. There’s lots of missing info here., sure.

\_edit to add:\_ i don't mean that to be dismissive. i mean that literally. OP could be lying, yeah., She hasn't said or done anything remotely rude.  You're taking this too personally. 

Remember that this is a sub for parents of children for autism.  This really isn't directed at people with autism.

A big reason we post here is because we have a different life experience and concerns than people who actually have autism.  I've posted in autism subs and parents often get poor information because there are many people with autism who are extremely sensitive (and understandably so), but in a sub where you're not even the primary audience, I think you should consider taking a step back and letting the parents here actually be sincere and honest without needing to worry about offending you.  Don't kid yourself, i believe your need to advocate for the sensibilities of people with autism is admirable, but please don't block people from sharing their personal and genuine feelings when they;re really not even talking to you directly.  

It's nothing personal, but just like you, we have a different experience of autism.  Where you have to live it, we have to live with watching it as parents every single day.  In her case, she is likely terribly worried about her partners child, but feels helpless to contribute.  That's hard man,

So please dont shut it down., \>I’m also worried about the affect that having him around my children will have on them as well as having his family around my children as they are also kind of on the slower side  


Respectfully she kinda is an asshole and an idiot for having a baby with someone she apparently didnt know much about, you never said that in your original post.  I dont think that from reading it the issue this parent has was the ""slow"" family members., Concise and educated comment here. Agree completely 👍, The 12 year old threatened that not the boyfriend., There is for sure, You’re fine. And yeah we only have one side. And she said single dad so we don’t know if he had full custody and what happened. But I do find it weird she never meet the kid before things got serious…I mean this could all absolutely be true, especially to her eyes. 

Imma show my age here. There’s an old show called Duck Van Dyke and one of my favorite episodes is one where there is a fight, you see it three times. One from his point of view, one from hers and then you get the pet fish’s point of view which is what really happened. I’m sure that this is the situation as she sees it but we are missing context and we are missing the other side. But somethings weird here., I understand.

To be clear, I think this is a great post, I learn a lot from reding the replies, and I didn't mean to imply that I should never be offended or that things that offend me should be wiped off the internet., I called out one part of her post. That’s it. Not shutting anything down. I think you’re reading too much into my very short and direct response. 

And considering autism is genetic, I think you would be surprised how many people here are autistic., He lied and he's older so I put most of the culpability on Dad, here., Yea true. I didn't see that bit. It's tough anyway :(



This made me think about my own story however. My wife never seemed ""slow"" to me, but I assumed her mom was senile or was starting dementia. I didnt give this a whole lot of concern and got married and had kids. I was in my 20s with obviously less life experiennce


Well now my kids: One is level 2 autistic, other is either ADHD or NT. Turns out my wife is adhd, maybe level 1 autism (after learning the symptoms).  It never occured to me in my youth not to have kids with her because, People don't have multiple baby daddies because they're wise about choosing partners., Well yea they have a lot going on it seems. 
But they directly asked AITA so I gave them an answer., thank you, i'm sorry., And I think you're reading too little as the original poster's issue was not that the child had autism.  Agree to disagree?, bingo!, She never once thought to meet this kid BEFORE getting into a serious relationship with someone?, I really hope OP can abort and move on because she isn't the right fit for this family. That is OK but let's not blame the 12 yr old and ""slow"" family members. For all we know her kid has a good chance of not being NT as well given the genetics on both sides and her kid might be the ""rude monster"" she claims this 12 yr old is.  


The guy she is impregnated by is the cause of her friction, It’s literally the title of the post?

All I said was that the fact that she’s posting her opinion on not wanting her child around another autistic child in an ***autism parent subreddit*** is pretty tone deaf. Based on the upvotes, others agree.

I didn’t say anything more. Not sure what you’re trying to get at here. Not interested in going back and forth., [deleted], >The guy she is impregnated by is the cause of her friction

I am genuinely worried for OP and her kids. First off, this guy lied to her about his son. Second, he doesn't care that she's suffering abuse from his son. Third, he's maintaining control over her by threatening to accuse her of felonies. Dear god, this is not going to end well if she doesn't get the hell out., Yup. I agree., That's the child making threats, Reread that. The kids making threats not the boyfriend., Almost like the boyfriend wants the OP to be a slave to look after his kids rather than a respected mother figure., okay, i'm sorry. thank you., How did he get straight A's if he can't hold a pencil 🤔, My advice and suggestions.

It sounds as though the stepson also has dyspraxia due to the physical coordination issues. It maybe worth pushing for this diagnosis first, if you want to stay around.

But honestly, as a mother of a child with autism, my advice is to run, ask him to leave today. Not because of the child, but because of his poor parenting and not being able to do what's in his child's best interests. Imagine what a fight you'd have if you clash over the baby's best interests.

A child making such venomous comments regarding abuse, has issues potentially far bigger than any autism diagnosis. 

Given your age, rack this up as relationship experience you won't repeat. Make sure you habitually have lived experience with all new partners and are not reliant on trusting their word!, This is a dumpster fire and if you can astill have an abortion I would do so and break up with the guy.   


as well as having his family around my children as they are also kind of on the slower side and don’t see anything wrong with his behaviours.  


What an amzing future for your child. What the fuck does this even mean, YTA for posting that you don’t want your child around another child that may have autism in an “Autism_Parenting” subreddit 

Come on, I mean, I feel like you are limited in what you can do but I hope your partners’ complete unwillingness to do the bare minimum for their existing child is a wake up call for you., Your kids aren’t going to catch autism from your stepson 🙄. Also I don’t understand…you never had him around your kids before you got married?

But you’re NTA for thinking he is autistic but YTA for the obvious disdain you seem to have for him., It sounds like you may be right, but unfortunately don’t really have any say in getting him diagnosed.  It sounds doubtful that you will convince anyone, so you may need to think about how you can help him without a diagnosis

His behavior is unacceptable, whether he is autistic or not.  I would tell your husband that the behaviors need to be addressed or you are taking your kids and leaving., You are 23 and your 30yr old boyfriend moved in with YOU? Cut your losses and kick him out. This doesn't sound like a normal situation at all. You should vet your prospective partners better especially since you already have a child from a previous relationship to worry about. I don't think you are an AH, but I think you lack life and dating experience. For fks sake your boyfriends son is only 11years younger than you, you aren't even twice his age! There is nothing you can do for the 12yr old child that isn't yours, but you have some choices to make about your unborn child. There is a good chance that this child will also be on the spectrum and you can either spend the rest of your life fighting with his family to get it help, leave the boyfriend and seek primary custody to make all medical decisions, or possibly have an abortion. Because let's face it, this baby daddy is not going to be much help and I personally wouldn't want them involved in my life what so ever., This sounds more of a ""blended family issue"" and there are better subs for that. It also sounds like there are communication issues etc between you and boyfriend.

The kid is not the issue. The boyfriend is. And he isn't going to take any parenting advice from you  (prob due to age gap and his own hubris).

If you can't accept this kid and blame the kid instead of placing  the blame on the 30 year old man who probably didn't have custody enough until he moved in with you and lied to you, run. This is not going to end well for you and your bio kid., >He's threatened to call the police and tell them I'm attracted to little kids or call the police and tell them I physically abuse him.

You need to get yourself and your kids out of that house and away from this psychopath right now. You cannot do it fast enough. Theatening someone like that is domestic abuse. You need to go to a safe place, whether it's your parents or a sibling or some extended family or a friend, or even a women's shelter. For your safety and the safety of your kids, you need to get the fuck away from that maniac as fast as you can.

And get a restraining order., Wow. It's as if everyone here forgot their thick skin. So high and mighty.

Regardless of Autism, the father/your partner should be a lot more supportive of how you're feeling and what you're going through. This is not okay. Now, just because it's not okay isn't a golden ticket. Without support and by that I mean open communication, help learning how his son deals with x, y, or z and an assortment of other stuff... This is going to be really difficult.

All kids pick up bad behaviors from their peers. There's a student in my sons special education class that meows. My son does too, now. My son hits his chest like Tarzan when he's mad sometimes. Another parent mentioned her son does this sometimes too when he didn't before. This is essentially the same as any child who comes home with a new 'behavior'.

However, it's your job as the parent to talk about what behaviors are safe, alternatives, etc and just try your best to guide while being understanding and accommodating. It's not just children with autism. It's all kids.

I'm sorry that the family is unsupportive, perhaps a little uninformed or they just don't care. Not everyone is proactive and some people refuse to be reactive. That's not going to help but take it at face value. 

You can't fix anyone but yourself in this circumstance. In a perfect world, I would suggest you talk to your partner a lot. Maybe write down questions, ask about them. How receptive is your partner to good, adult communication? 

If you feel lied to now, hoodwinked or whatever it isn't going to get better after you have another child. I can appreciate that you're here, looking for answers but your one man army needs to be a cohesive, parenting unit to approach this. 

I hope you find the support you need with your significant other or walk away. You shouldn't feel threated or unsafe in your own home. A lot of parents here feel the same way and don't have an out. If no one will support you, you need to take the out. Good luck. I hope you get the answers you seek.

Edit, you aren't an asshole. You're scared, in a bad situation and are pregnant facing a situation you aren't prepared for. Give yourself some grace, take a breath and figure out what's next., You’re just an asshole generally.  Gtfo of here., Is the 12 year old boy's mother still on the scene and does she share custody? What about the school he attends? What is their opinion? You should seek independent advice from local agencies on this. The child should receive therapy for his disability.

You also do not want to raise a newborn in such circumstances where you are unsure of its safety. Your opinions also need to be respected.

Time to kick your partner out I suspect. You can still see each other without living together if you really want to., Well you started off strong but ended up an ass.
 Autism isn’t contagious. Your kids should be around all sorts of people so they can learn to be accepting and loving., What what a bunch of shitbags. He’s clearly missing out on interventions, therapies that would have helped him for years by now. Now he’s gotten old enough to recognize the encouragement from his family, so he’s convinced this is the right way to act, so intervening now will be more difficult.

 His dad really failed him here.

I’m sorry you never got to know these details before you became pregnant with this man’s child.

Will this kid pose a problem for a new baby in the house?, Hi, im a friend on a throw away account. The boyfriend is a mega liar. He painted a picture of a perfect kid who had no behavioural problems whatsoever. The OP, is not lying. This “parent” of the 12 year old is the most incompetent father and he thinks his kid is okay, and succeeding.

** thought 
I would add for clarification if there was behaviour problems and they were mentioned beforehand and there was plans in place to help this kid,  I don’t think this would be as big as a deal , it wouldn’t also be as big if this 30y/o was parenting them, sounds like BF is a liar? 🤷‍♂️, Your post isnt really about autism.  It's about a child whose needs are being neglected by a family that is enabling that child and ignoring very important social and behavioural milestones.  Every therapist i have talked to reminds me that autistic children are still children first.  Just because they have difficulties with certain skills does not mean that they are immune from being total assholes, falling victim to bad parenting, and suffering from neglect. 

My child has autism, and i still feel your concerns are extremely important.  But really, this is about your relationship with the father.  This needs to be dealt with, but i guess it really depends on how you want to handle it., If we look at this more objectively, do you think that it is OK and not impactful on her children seeing her spoken to like this? With the threats he's making?

We all have a duty of care to OUR children. Heck, we have all read posts where families have chosen to separate to be able to do what's best for all of the children so they're not impacted. 

Let's have some empathy here for her, too., I’m not worried about my children catching autism, I have a few friends and family members with autism and they’re a great part of our lives. I’m worried about the behavioural aspect of it and how that will influence my toddler and baby growing up. I don’t want them thinking it’s okay to act that way and the way it affects our family dynamic, No they're going to ""catch"" that acting like a little shit is just peachy., They're talking about the KID making those threats. 


Just terrible parenting. Probably should've met his child and witnessed his parenting before putting him on the rack as baby daddy #2., The kids making the threats and if they are telling the truth about this kid…how many times has your pre teen threatened you?, His mother has split custody so the child is with us 50% of the time. She is in the same predicament as she doesn’t see an issue with her son either despite being told by an occupational therapist he needs help due to his lack of motor skills. The school board had tried to get involved but his parents told them they were looking into getting him tested and working with doctors and speech therapists already so they have stepped back assuming he’s already receiving help. However none of that is happening this child hasn’t seen a family doctor in years. As I am not a parent I cannot legally do anything without his parents signing off on it. I just want my step son to be able to get the help he needs to better himself for the future as I understand how undiagnosed autism and other issues can have long term affects on people physically and emotionally. His parents refuse to help him or take him to anyone and let him sit in front of video games for 8-12 hours a day every day and seem to just rather keep him happy than deal with the root causes of his issues, Why would you want your child around a kid like that, neurotypical or not.  Autism doesn't rub off, but bad behaviour does.  There is a difference.  We all have a responsibility to learn to behave properly and to teach our kids to do so, with or without autism.  Where a person lands is a different story.

Any therapist worth their salt will tell you that., I love my step son but as someone who can see a difference I want him to get help and the treatments he needs to have an overall better quality of life. I’ve seen autistic family members have early involvement with specialists and doctors and the difference it can make. I just want him to be the best version of himself that can be and I feel like his family has failed him I just don’t know how to help, Or OP is. We don’t actually know which one is to be fair. It’s the internet., THIS!!!, agree. i am offended by OP's tone and diction, but still sympathize with her situation, what it must be doing to her, and what it must be doing to her kids., I know she may be panicked and not thinking straight but she is posting in the wrong place with that type of mindset. Just being honest!, You're NOT the asshole. I don't have any advice here but I want to reassure you that being concerned about your children is not illogical nor selfish. I have an autistic 7 year old, and our NT 5 year old as has picked up unpreferred behaviors and has received less idealistic parenting as a result., Not completely sure why you are being downvoted to be honest. Even though you have been threatened by him you still want what is best for the 12 year old. He needs help and therapy or he will be quite difficult to interact with in later life. His father may not want a diagnosis but there are so many benefits for gaining it., i see. i'm sorry., yeah, i really misunderstood that :-/, I'd not want my own child to be raised by a father who is fine with his own child living like that while lying to teachers that he is doing all these things for his child. 


You'll very likely have to constantly work against him when trying to raise your shared child. Why would you want that for yourself and your kid?, It is not good enough that his parents are telling the school one thing and doing the opposite, presumably to save money and their own efforts. The boy is basically being neglected and put in the too hard basket.

In saying all that, you have already told his father your views on this and he is not agreeing to do anything about it. There is not much more you can do on that front. It would be best to avoid getting into more conflicts about this subject because it would mostly affect your own wellbeing.

You have some difficult decisions ahead so I wish you the best going forward., I was referring to the ‘slow’ family members they mentioned. Or rather shouldn’t have mentioned…, At 12 it's far too late for early intervention. And you don't have parental responsibility, so there's not much you can do here. That might just be something you have to accept, and make your own decisions from there., so far you've said some pretty offensive things, but this particular comment is actually quite nice. idk why you're getting downvoted for it.

anyway, i'm going to make this pretty blunt, but i'm not exaggerating the least bit. i really think you need to hear this.

>He’s threatened to call the police and tell them I’m attracted to little kids or call the police and tell them I physically abuse him.

Read that again. HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! How can a loving person threaten you like that? How can someone who loves you threaten you like that? They can't! If this guy has threatened you like that, he clearly doesn't love you.

Your boyfriend is an abuser, and if you stay with him you, and potentially your children, are going to end up repeated victims of domestic violence at his hands., One thing I want to warn you about is I had a bad experience from an autistic older brother who was physically abusive to me and sexually abusive to other family members and his behavior was played off as autizm. Please make sure you know what you're getting into. It's very common among autistic children., And how did she move the guy and his kid into her place without ever meeting the kid. There’s lots of missing info here., sure.

\_edit to add:\_ i don't mean that to be dismissive. i mean that literally. OP could be lying, yeah., She hasn't said or done anything remotely rude.  You're taking this too personally. 

Remember that this is a sub for parents of children for autism.  This really isn't directed at people with autism.

A big reason we post here is because we have a different life experience and concerns than people who actually have autism.  I've posted in autism subs and parents often get poor information because there are many people with autism who are extremely sensitive (and understandably so), but in a sub where you're not even the primary audience, I think you should consider taking a step back and letting the parents here actually be sincere and honest without needing to worry about offending you.  Don't kid yourself, i believe your need to advocate for the sensibilities of people with autism is admirable, but please don't block people from sharing their personal and genuine feelings when they;re really not even talking to you directly.  

It's nothing personal, but just like you, we have a different experience of autism.  Where you have to live it, we have to live with watching it as parents every single day.  In her case, she is likely terribly worried about her partners child, but feels helpless to contribute.  That's hard man,

So please dont shut it down., \>I’m also worried about the affect that having him around my children will have on them as well as having his family around my children as they are also kind of on the slower side  


Respectfully she kinda is an asshole and an idiot for having a baby with someone she apparently didnt know much about, you never said that in your original post.  I dont think that from reading it the issue this parent has was the ""slow"" family members., Concise and educated comment here. Agree completely 👍, The 12 year old threatened that not the boyfriend., There is for sure, You’re fine. And yeah we only have one side. And she said single dad so we don’t know if he had full custody and what happened. But I do find it weird she never meet the kid before things got serious…I mean this could all absolutely be true, especially to her eyes. 

Imma show my age here. There’s an old show called Duck Van Dyke and one of my favorite episodes is one where there is a fight, you see it three times. One from his point of view, one from hers and then you get the pet fish’s point of view which is what really happened. I’m sure that this is the situation as she sees it but we are missing context and we are missing the other side. But somethings weird here., I understand.

To be clear, I think this is a great post, I learn a lot from reding the replies, and I didn't mean to imply that I should never be offended or that things that offend me should be wiped off the internet., I called out one part of her post. That’s it. Not shutting anything down. I think you’re reading too much into my very short and direct response. 

And considering autism is genetic, I think you would be surprised how many people here are autistic., He lied and he's older so I put most of the culpability on Dad, here., Yea true. I didn't see that bit. It's tough anyway :(



This made me think about my own story however. My wife never seemed ""slow"" to me, but I assumed her mom was senile or was starting dementia. I didnt give this a whole lot of concern and got married and had kids. I was in my 20s with obviously less life experiennce


Well now my kids: One is level 2 autistic, other is either ADHD or NT. Turns out my wife is adhd, maybe level 1 autism (after learning the symptoms).  It never occured to me in my youth not to have kids with her because, People don't have multiple baby daddies because they're wise about choosing partners., Well yea they have a lot going on it seems. 
But they directly asked AITA so I gave them an answer., thank you, i'm sorry., And I think you're reading too little as the original poster's issue was not that the child had autism.  Agree to disagree?, bingo!, She never once thought to meet this kid BEFORE getting into a serious relationship with someone?, I really hope OP can abort and move on because she isn't the right fit for this family. That is OK but let's not blame the 12 yr old and ""slow"" family members. For all we know her kid has a good chance of not being NT as well given the genetics on both sides and her kid might be the ""rude monster"" she claims this 12 yr old is.  


The guy she is impregnated by is the cause of her friction, It’s literally the title of the post?

All I said was that the fact that she’s posting her opinion on not wanting her child around another autistic child in an ***autism parent subreddit*** is pretty tone deaf. Based on the upvotes, others agree.

I didn’t say anything more. Not sure what you’re trying to get at here. Not interested in going back and forth., [deleted], >The guy she is impregnated by is the cause of her friction

I am genuinely worried for OP and her kids. First off, this guy lied to her about his son. Second, he doesn't care that she's suffering abuse from his son. Third, he's maintaining control over her by threatening to accuse her of felonies. Dear god, this is not going to end well if she doesn't get the hell out., Yup. I agree., That's the child making threats, Reread that. The kids making threats not the boyfriend., Almost like the boyfriend wants the OP to be a slave to look after his kids rather than a respected mother figure., okay, i'm sorry. thank you., How did he get straight A's if he can't hold a pencil 🤔, My advice and suggestions.

It sounds as though the stepson also has dyspraxia due to the physical coordination issues. It maybe worth pushing for this diagnosis first, if you want to stay around.

But honestly, as a mother of a child with autism, my advice is to run, ask him to leave today. Not because of the child, but because of his poor parenting and not being able to do what's in his child's best interests. Imagine what a fight you'd have if you clash over the baby's best interests.

A child making such venomous comments regarding abuse, has issues potentially far bigger than any autism diagnosis. 

Given your age, rack this up as relationship experience you won't repeat. Make sure you habitually have lived experience with all new partners and are not reliant on trusting their word!, This is a dumpster fire and if you can astill have an abortion I would do so and break up with the guy.   


as well as having his family around my children as they are also kind of on the slower side and don’t see anything wrong with his behaviours.  


What an amzing future for your child. What the fuck does this even mean, YTA for posting that you don’t want your child around another child that may have autism in an “Autism_Parenting” subreddit 

Come on, I mean, I feel like you are limited in what you can do but I hope your partners’ complete unwillingness to do the bare minimum for their existing child is a wake up call for you., Your kids aren’t going to catch autism from your stepson 🙄. Also I don’t understand…you never had him around your kids before you got married?

But you’re NTA for thinking he is autistic but YTA for the obvious disdain you seem to have for him., It sounds like you may be right, but unfortunately don’t really have any say in getting him diagnosed.  It sounds doubtful that you will convince anyone, so you may need to think about how you can help him without a diagnosis

His behavior is unacceptable, whether he is autistic or not.  I would tell your husband that the behaviors need to be addressed or you are taking your kids and leaving., You are 23 and your 30yr old boyfriend moved in with YOU? Cut your losses and kick him out. This doesn't sound like a normal situation at all. You should vet your prospective partners better especially since you already have a child from a previous relationship to worry about. I don't think you are an AH, but I think you lack life and dating experience. For fks sake your boyfriends son is only 11years younger than you, you aren't even twice his age! There is nothing you can do for the 12yr old child that isn't yours, but you have some choices to make about your unborn child. There is a good chance that this child will also be on the spectrum and you can either spend the rest of your life fighting with his family to get it help, leave the boyfriend and seek primary custody to make all medical decisions, or possibly have an abortion. Because let's face it, this baby daddy is not going to be much help and I personally wouldn't want them involved in my life what so ever., This sounds more of a ""blended family issue"" and there are better subs for that. It also sounds like there are communication issues etc between you and boyfriend.

The kid is not the issue. The boyfriend is. And he isn't going to take any parenting advice from you  (prob due to age gap and his own hubris).

If you can't accept this kid and blame the kid instead of placing  the blame on the 30 year old man who probably didn't have custody enough until he moved in with you and lied to you, run. This is not going to end well for you and your bio kid., >He's threatened to call the police and tell them I'm attracted to little kids or call the police and tell them I physically abuse him.

You need to get yourself and your kids out of that house and away from this psychopath right now. You cannot do it fast enough. Theatening someone like that is domestic abuse. You need to go to a safe place, whether it's your parents or a sibling or some extended family or a friend, or even a women's shelter. For your safety and the safety of your kids, you need to get the fuck away from that maniac as fast as you can.

And get a restraining order., Wow. It's as if everyone here forgot their thick skin. So high and mighty.

Regardless of Autism, the father/your partner should be a lot more supportive of how you're feeling and what you're going through. This is not okay. Now, just because it's not okay isn't a golden ticket. Without support and by that I mean open communication, help learning how his son deals with x, y, or z and an assortment of other stuff... This is going to be really difficult.

All kids pick up bad behaviors from their peers. There's a student in my sons special education class that meows. My son does too, now. My son hits his chest like Tarzan when he's mad sometimes. Another parent mentioned her son does this sometimes too when he didn't before. This is essentially the same as any child who comes home with a new 'behavior'.

However, it's your job as the parent to talk about what behaviors are safe, alternatives, etc and just try your best to guide while being understanding and accommodating. It's not just children with autism. It's all kids.

I'm sorry that the family is unsupportive, perhaps a little uninformed or they just don't care. Not everyone is proactive and some people refuse to be reactive. That's not going to help but take it at face value. 

You can't fix anyone but yourself in this circumstance. In a perfect world, I would suggest you talk to your partner a lot. Maybe write down questions, ask about them. How receptive is your partner to good, adult communication? 

If you feel lied to now, hoodwinked or whatever it isn't going to get better after you have another child. I can appreciate that you're here, looking for answers but your one man army needs to be a cohesive, parenting unit to approach this. 

I hope you find the support you need with your significant other or walk away. You shouldn't feel threated or unsafe in your own home. A lot of parents here feel the same way and don't have an out. If no one will support you, you need to take the out. Good luck. I hope you get the answers you seek.

Edit, you aren't an asshole. You're scared, in a bad situation and are pregnant facing a situation you aren't prepared for. Give yourself some grace, take a breath and figure out what's next., You’re just an asshole generally.  Gtfo of here., Is the 12 year old boy's mother still on the scene and does she share custody? What about the school he attends? What is their opinion? You should seek independent advice from local agencies on this. The child should receive therapy for his disability.

You also do not want to raise a newborn in such circumstances where you are unsure of its safety. Your opinions also need to be respected.

Time to kick your partner out I suspect. You can still see each other without living together if you really want to., Well you started off strong but ended up an ass.
 Autism isn’t contagious. Your kids should be around all sorts of people so they can learn to be accepting and loving., What what a bunch of shitbags. He’s clearly missing out on interventions, therapies that would have helped him for years by now. Now he’s gotten old enough to recognize the encouragement from his family, so he’s convinced this is the right way to act, so intervening now will be more difficult.

 His dad really failed him here.

I’m sorry you never got to know these details before you became pregnant with this man’s child.

Will this kid pose a problem for a new baby in the house?, Hi, im a friend on a throw away account. The boyfriend is a mega liar. He painted a picture of a perfect kid who had no behavioural problems whatsoever. The OP, is not lying. This “parent” of the 12 year old is the most incompetent father and he thinks his kid is okay, and succeeding.

** thought 
I would add for clarification if there was behaviour problems and they were mentioned beforehand and there was plans in place to help this kid,  I don’t think this would be as big as a deal , it wouldn’t also be as big if this 30y/o was parenting them, sounds like BF is a liar? 🤷‍♂️, Your post isnt really about autism.  It's about a child whose needs are being neglected by a family that is enabling that child and ignoring very important social and behavioural milestones.  Every therapist i have talked to reminds me that autistic children are still children first.  Just because they have difficulties with certain skills does not mean that they are immune from being total assholes, falling victim to bad parenting, and suffering from neglect. 

My child has autism, and i still feel your concerns are extremely important.  But really, this is about your relationship with the father.  This needs to be dealt with, but i guess it really depends on how you want to handle it., If we look at this more objectively, do you think that it is OK and not impactful on her children seeing her spoken to like this? With the threats he's making?

We all have a duty of care to OUR children. Heck, we have all read posts where families have chosen to separate to be able to do what's best for all of the children so they're not impacted. 

Let's have some empathy here for her, too., I’m not worried about my children catching autism, I have a few friends and family members with autism and they’re a great part of our lives. I’m worried about the behavioural aspect of it and how that will influence my toddler and baby growing up. I don’t want them thinking it’s okay to act that way and the way it affects our family dynamic, No they're going to ""catch"" that acting like a little shit is just peachy., They're talking about the KID making those threats. 


Just terrible parenting. Probably should've met his child and witnessed his parenting before putting him on the rack as baby daddy #2., The kids making the threats and if they are telling the truth about this kid…how many times has your pre teen threatened you?, His mother has split custody so the child is with us 50% of the time. She is in the same predicament as she doesn’t see an issue with her son either despite being told by an occupational therapist he needs help due to his lack of motor skills. The school board had tried to get involved but his parents told them they were looking into getting him tested and working with doctors and speech therapists already so they have stepped back assuming he’s already receiving help. However none of that is happening this child hasn’t seen a family doctor in years. As I am not a parent I cannot legally do anything without his parents signing off on it. I just want my step son to be able to get the help he needs to better himself for the future as I understand how undiagnosed autism and other issues can have long term affects on people physically and emotionally. His parents refuse to help him or take him to anyone and let him sit in front of video games for 8-12 hours a day every day and seem to just rather keep him happy than deal with the root causes of his issues, Why would you want your child around a kid like that, neurotypical or not.  Autism doesn't rub off, but bad behaviour does.  There is a difference.  We all have a responsibility to learn to behave properly and to teach our kids to do so, with or without autism.  Where a person lands is a different story.

Any therapist worth their salt will tell you that., I love my step son but as someone who can see a difference I want him to get help and the treatments he needs to have an overall better quality of life. I’ve seen autistic family members have early involvement with specialists and doctors and the difference it can make. I just want him to be the best version of himself that can be and I feel like his family has failed him I just don’t know how to help, Or OP is. We don’t actually know which one is to be fair. It’s the internet., THIS!!!, agree. i am offended by OP's tone and diction, but still sympathize with her situation, what it must be doing to her, and what it must be doing to her kids., I know she may be panicked and not thinking straight but she is posting in the wrong place with that type of mindset. Just being honest!, You're NOT the asshole. I don't have any advice here but I want to reassure you that being concerned about your children is not illogical nor selfish. I have an autistic 7 year old, and our NT 5 year old as has picked up unpreferred behaviors and has received less idealistic parenting as a result., Not completely sure why you are being downvoted to be honest. Even though you have been threatened by him you still want what is best for the 12 year old. He needs help and therapy or he will be quite difficult to interact with in later life. His father may not want a diagnosis but there are so many benefits for gaining it., i see. i'm sorry., yeah, i really misunderstood that :-/, I'd not want my own child to be raised by a father who is fine with his own child living like that while lying to teachers that he is doing all these things for his child. 


You'll very likely have to constantly work against him when trying to raise your shared child. Why would you want that for yourself and your kid?, It is not good enough that his parents are telling the school one thing and doing the opposite, presumably to save money and their own efforts. The boy is basically being neglected and put in the too hard basket.

In saying all that, you have already told his father your views on this and he is not agreeing to do anything about it. There is not much more you can do on that front. It would be best to avoid getting into more conflicts about this subject because it would mostly affect your own wellbeing.

You have some difficult decisions ahead so I wish you the best going forward., I was referring to the ‘slow’ family members they mentioned. Or rather shouldn’t have mentioned…, At 12 it's far too late for early intervention. And you don't have parental responsibility, so there's not much you can do here. That might just be something you have to accept, and make your own decisions from there., so far you've said some pretty offensive things, but this particular comment is actually quite nice. idk why you're getting downvoted for it.

anyway, i'm going to make this pretty blunt, but i'm not exaggerating the least bit. i really think you need to hear this.

>He’s threatened to call the police and tell them I’m attracted to little kids or call the police and tell them I physically abuse him.

Read that again. HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! How can a loving person threaten you like that? How can someone who loves you threaten you like that? They can't! If this guy has threatened you like that, he clearly doesn't love you.

Your boyfriend is an abuser, and if you stay with him you, and potentially your children, are going to end up repeated victims of domestic violence at his hands., One thing I want to warn you about is I had a bad experience from an autistic older brother who was physically abusive to me and sexually abusive to other family members and his behavior was played off as autizm. Please make sure you know what you're getting into. It's very common among autistic children., And how did she move the guy and his kid into her place without ever meeting the kid. There’s lots of missing info here., sure.

\_edit to add:\_ i don't mean that to be dismissive. i mean that literally. OP could be lying, yeah., She hasn't said or done anything remotely rude.  You're taking this too personally. 

Remember that this is a sub for parents of children for autism.  This really isn't directed at people with autism.

A big reason we post here is because we have a different life experience and concerns than people who actually have autism.  I've posted in autism subs and parents often get poor information because there are many people with autism who are extremely sensitive (and understandably so), but in a sub where you're not even the primary audience, I think you should consider taking a step back and letting the parents here actually be sincere and honest without needing to worry about offending you.  Don't kid yourself, i believe your need to advocate for the sensibilities of people with autism is admirable, but please don't block people from sharing their personal and genuine feelings when they;re really not even talking to you directly.  

It's nothing personal, but just like you, we have a different experience of autism.  Where you have to live it, we have to live with watching it as parents every single day.  In her case, she is likely terribly worried about her partners child, but feels helpless to contribute.  That's hard man,

So please dont shut it down., \>I’m also worried about the affect that having him around my children will have on them as well as having his family around my children as they are also kind of on the slower side  


Respectfully she kinda is an asshole and an idiot for having a baby with someone she apparently didnt know much about, you never said that in your original post.  I dont think that from reading it the issue this parent has was the ""slow"" family members., Concise and educated comment here. Agree completely 👍, The 12 year old threatened that not the boyfriend., There is for sure, You’re fine. And yeah we only have one side. And she said single dad so we don’t know if he had full custody and what happened. But I do find it weird she never meet the kid before things got serious…I mean this could all absolutely be true, especially to her eyes. 

Imma show my age here. There’s an old show called Duck Van Dyke and one of my favorite episodes is one where there is a fight, you see it three times. One from his point of view, one from hers and then you get the pet fish’s point of view which is what really happened. I’m sure that this is the situation as she sees it but we are missing context and we are missing the other side. But somethings weird here., I understand.

To be clear, I think this is a great post, I learn a lot from reding the replies, and I didn't mean to imply that I should never be offended or that things that offend me should be wiped off the internet., I called out one part of her post. That’s it. Not shutting anything down. I think you’re reading too much into my very short and direct response. 

And considering autism is genetic, I think you would be surprised how many people here are autistic., He lied and he's older so I put most of the culpability on Dad, here., Yea true. I didn't see that bit. It's tough anyway :(



This made me think about my own story however. My wife never seemed ""slow"" to me, but I assumed her mom was senile or was starting dementia. I didnt give this a whole lot of concern and got married and had kids. I was in my 20s with obviously less life experiennce


Well now my kids: One is level 2 autistic, other is either ADHD or NT. Turns out my wife is adhd, maybe level 1 autism (after learning the symptoms).  It never occured to me in my youth not to have kids with her because, People don't have multiple baby daddies because they're wise about choosing partners., Well yea they have a lot going on it seems. 
But they directly asked AITA so I gave them an answer., thank you, i'm sorry., And I think you're reading too little as the original poster's issue was not that the child had autism.  Agree to disagree?, bingo!, She never once thought to meet this kid BEFORE getting into a serious relationship with someone?, I really hope OP can abort and move on because she isn't the right fit for this family. That is OK but let's not blame the 12 yr old and ""slow"" family members. For all we know her kid has a good chance of not being NT as well given the genetics on both sides and her kid might be the ""rude monster"" she claims this 12 yr old is.  


The guy she is impregnated by is the cause of her friction, It’s literally the title of the post?

All I said was that the fact that she’s posting her opinion on not wanting her child around another autistic child in an ***autism parent subreddit*** is pretty tone deaf. Based on the upvotes, others agree.

I didn’t say anything more. Not sure what you’re trying to get at here. Not interested in going back and forth., [deleted], >The guy she is impregnated by is the cause of her friction

I am genuinely worried for OP and her kids. First off, this guy lied to her about his son. Second, he doesn't care that she's suffering abuse from his son. Third, he's maintaining control over her by threatening to accuse her of felonies. Dear god, this is not going to end well if she doesn't get the hell out., Yup. I agree., That's the child making threats, Reread that. The kids making threats not the boyfriend., Almost like the boyfriend wants the OP to be a slave to look after his kids rather than a respected mother figure., okay, i'm sorry. thank you., How did he get straight A's if he can't hold a pencil 🤔, My advice and suggestions.

It sounds as though the stepson also has dyspraxia due to the physical coordination issues. It maybe worth pushing for this diagnosis first, if you want to stay around.

But honestly, as a mother of a child with autism, my advice is to run, ask him to leave today. Not because of the child, but because of his poor parenting and not being able to do what's in his child's best interests. Imagine what a fight you'd have if you clash over the baby's best interests.

A child making such venomous comments regarding abuse, has issues potentially far bigger than any autism diagnosis. 

Given your age, rack this up as relationship experience you won't repeat. Make sure you habitually have lived experience with all new partners and are not reliant on trusting their word!, This is a dumpster fire and if you can astill have an abortion I would do so and break up with the guy.   


as well as having his family around my children as they are also kind of on the slower side and don’t see anything wrong with his behaviours.  


What an amzing future for your child. What the fuck does this even mean, YTA for posting that you don’t want your child around another child that may have autism in an “Autism_Parenting” subreddit 

Come on, I mean, I feel like you are limited in what you can do but I hope your partners’ complete unwillingness to do the bare minimum for their existing child is a wake up call for you., Your kids aren’t going to catch autism from your stepson 🙄. Also I don’t understand…you never had him around your kids before you got married?

But you’re NTA for thinking he is autistic but YTA for the obvious disdain you seem to have for him., It sounds like you may be right, but unfortunately don’t really have any say in getting him diagnosed.  It sounds doubtful that you will convince anyone, so you may need to think about how you can help him without a diagnosis

His behavior is unacceptable, whether he is autistic or not.  I would tell your husband that the behaviors need to be addressed or you are taking your kids and leaving., You are 23 and your 30yr old boyfriend moved in with YOU? Cut your losses and kick him out. This doesn't sound like a normal situation at all. You should vet your prospective partners better especially since you already have a child from a previous relationship to worry about. I don't think you are an AH, but I think you lack life and dating experience. For fks sake your boyfriends son is only 11years younger than you, you aren't even twice his age! There is nothing you can do for the 12yr old child that isn't yours, but you have some choices to make about your unborn child. There is a good chance that this child will also be on the spectrum and you can either spend the rest of your life fighting with his family to get it help, leave the boyfriend and seek primary custody to make all medical decisions, or possibly have an abortion. Because let's face it, this baby daddy is not going to be much help and I personally wouldn't want them involved in my life what so ever., This sounds more of a ""blended family issue"" and there are better subs for that. It also sounds like there are communication issues etc between you and boyfriend.

The kid is not the issue. The boyfriend is. And he isn't going to take any parenting advice from you  (prob due to age gap and his own hubris).

If you can't accept this kid and blame the kid instead of placing  the blame on the 30 year old man who probably didn't have custody enough until he moved in with you and lied to you, run. This is not going to end well for you and your bio kid., >He's threatened to call the police and tell them I'm attracted to little kids or call the police and tell them I physically abuse him.

You need to get yourself and your kids out of that house and away from this psychopath right now. You cannot do it fast enough. Theatening someone like that is domestic abuse. You need to go to a safe place, whether it's your parents or a sibling or some extended family or a friend, or even a women's shelter. For your safety and the safety of your kids, you need to get the fuck away from that maniac as fast as you can.

And get a restraining order., Wow. It's as if everyone here forgot their thick skin. So high and mighty.

Regardless of Autism, the father/your partner should be a lot more supportive of how you're feeling and what you're going through. This is not okay. Now, just because it's not okay isn't a golden ticket. Without support and by that I mean open communication, help learning how his son deals with x, y, or z and an assortment of other stuff... This is going to be really difficult.

All kids pick up bad behaviors from their peers. There's a student in my sons special education class that meows. My son does too, now. My son hits his chest like Tarzan when he's mad sometimes. Another parent mentioned her son does this sometimes too when he didn't before. This is essentially the same as any child who comes home with a new 'behavior'.

However, it's your job as the parent to talk about what behaviors are safe, alternatives, etc and just try your best to guide while being understanding and accommodating. It's not just children with autism. It's all kids.

I'm sorry that the family is unsupportive, perhaps a little uninformed or they just don't care. Not everyone is proactive and some people refuse to be reactive. That's not going to help but take it at face value. 

You can't fix anyone but yourself in this circumstance. In a perfect world, I would suggest you talk to your partner a lot. Maybe write down questions, ask about them. How receptive is your partner to good, adult communication? 

If you feel lied to now, hoodwinked or whatever it isn't going to get better after you have another child. I can appreciate that you're here, looking for answers but your one man army needs to be a cohesive, parenting unit to approach this. 

I hope you find the support you need with your significant other or walk away. You shouldn't feel threated or unsafe in your own home. A lot of parents here feel the same way and don't have an out. If no one will support you, you need to take the out. Good luck. I hope you get the answers you seek.

Edit, you aren't an asshole. You're scared, in a bad situation and are pregnant facing a situation you aren't prepared for. Give yourself some grace, take a breath and figure out what's next., You’re just an asshole generally.  Gtfo of here., Is the 12 year old boy's mother still on the scene and does she share custody? What about the school he attends? What is their opinion? You should seek independent advice from local agencies on this. The child should receive therapy for his disability.

You also do not want to raise a newborn in such circumstances where you are unsure of its safety. Your opinions also need to be respected.

Time to kick your partner out I suspect. You can still see each other without living together if you really want to., Well you started off strong but ended up an ass.
 Autism isn’t contagious. Your kids should be around all sorts of people so they can learn to be accepting and loving., What what a bunch of shitbags. He’s clearly missing out on interventions, therapies that would have helped him for years by now. Now he’s gotten old enough to recognize the encouragement from his family, so he’s convinced this is the right way to act, so intervening now will be more difficult.

 His dad really failed him here.

I’m sorry you never got to know these details before you became pregnant with this man’s child.

Will this kid pose a problem for a new baby in the house?, Hi, im a friend on a throw away account. The boyfriend is a mega liar. He painted a picture of a perfect kid who had no behavioural problems whatsoever. The OP, is not lying. This “parent” of the 12 year old is the most incompetent father and he thinks his kid is okay, and succeeding.

** thought 
I would add for clarification if there was behaviour problems and they were mentioned beforehand and there was plans in place to help this kid,  I don’t think this would be as big as a deal , it wouldn’t also be as big if this 30y/o was parenting them, sounds like BF is a liar? 🤷‍♂️, Your post isnt really about autism.  It's about a child whose needs are being neglected by a family that is enabling that child and ignoring very important social and behavioural milestones.  Every therapist i have talked to reminds me that autistic children are still children first.  Just because they have difficulties with certain skills does not mean that they are immune from being total assholes, falling victim to bad parenting, and suffering from neglect. 

My child has autism, and i still feel your concerns are extremely important.  But really, this is about your relationship with the father.  This needs to be dealt with, but i guess it really depends on how you want to handle it., If we look at this more objectively, do you think that it is OK and not impactful on her children seeing her spoken to like this? With the threats he's making?

We all have a duty of care to OUR children. Heck, we have all read posts where families have chosen to separate to be able to do what's best for all of the children so they're not impacted. 

Let's have some empathy here for her, too., I’m not worried about my children catching autism, I have a few friends and family members with autism and they’re a great part of our lives. I’m worried about the behavioural aspect of it and how that will influence my toddler and baby growing up. I don’t want them thinking it’s okay to act that way and the way it affects our family dynamic, No they're going to ""catch"" that acting like a little shit is just peachy., They're talking about the KID making those threats. 


Just terrible parenting. Probably should've met his child and witnessed his parenting before putting him on the rack as baby daddy #2., The kids making the threats and if they are telling the truth about this kid…how many times has your pre teen threatened you?, His mother has split custody so the child is with us 50% of the time. She is in the same predicament as she doesn’t see an issue with her son either despite being told by an occupational therapist he needs help due to his lack of motor skills. The school board had tried to get involved but his parents told them they were looking into getting him tested and working with doctors and speech therapists already so they have stepped back assuming he’s already receiving help. However none of that is happening this child hasn’t seen a family doctor in years. As I am not a parent I cannot legally do anything without his parents signing off on it. I just want my step son to be able to get the help he needs to better himself for the future as I understand how undiagnosed autism and other issues can have long term affects on people physically and emotionally. His parents refuse to help him or take him to anyone and let him sit in front of video games for 8-12 hours a day every day and seem to just rather keep him happy than deal with the root causes of his issues, Why would you want your child around a kid like that, neurotypical or not.  Autism doesn't rub off, but bad behaviour does.  There is a difference.  We all have a responsibility to learn to behave properly and to teach our kids to do so, with or without autism.  Where a person lands is a different story.

Any therapist worth their salt will tell you that., I love my step son but as someone who can see a difference I want him to get help and the treatments he needs to have an overall better quality of life. I’ve seen autistic family members have early involvement with specialists and doctors and the difference it can make. I just want him to be the best version of himself that can be and I feel like his family has failed him I just don’t know how to help, Or OP is. We don’t actually know which one is to be fair. It’s the internet., THIS!!!, agree. i am offended by OP's tone and diction, but still sympathize with her situation, what it must be doing to her, and what it must be doing to her kids., I know she may be panicked and not thinking straight but she is posting in the wrong place with that type of mindset. Just being honest!, You're NOT the asshole. I don't have any advice here but I want to reassure you that being concerned about your children is not illogical nor selfish. I have an autistic 7 year old, and our NT 5 year old as has picked up unpreferred behaviors and has received less idealistic parenting as a result., Not completely sure why you are being downvoted to be honest. Even though you have been threatened by him you still want what is best for the 12 year old. He needs help and therapy or he will be quite difficult to interact with in later life. His father may not want a diagnosis but there are so many benefits for gaining it., i see. i'm sorry., yeah, i really misunderstood that :-/, I'd not want my own child to be raised by a father who is fine with his own child living like that while lying to teachers that he is doing all these things for his child. 


You'll very likely have to constantly work against him when trying to raise your shared child. Why would you want that for yourself and your kid?, It is not good enough that his parents are telling the school one thing and doing the opposite, presumably to save money and their own efforts. The boy is basically being neglected and put in the too hard basket.

In saying all that, you have already told his father your views on this and he is not agreeing to do anything about it. There is not much more you can do on that front. It would be best to avoid getting into more conflicts about this subject because it would mostly affect your own wellbeing.

You have some difficult decisions ahead so I wish you the best going forward., I was referring to the ‘slow’ family members they mentioned. Or rather shouldn’t have mentioned…, At 12 it's far too late for early intervention. And you don't have parental responsibility, so there's not much you can do here. That might just be something you have to accept, and make your own decisions from there., so far you've said some pretty offensive things, but this particular comment is actually quite nice. idk why you're getting downvoted for it.

anyway, i'm going to make this pretty blunt, but i'm not exaggerating the least bit. i really think you need to hear this.

>He’s threatened to call the police and tell them I’m attracted to little kids or call the police and tell them I physically abuse him.

Read that again. HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! How can a loving person threaten you like that? How can someone who loves you threaten you like that? They can't! If this guy has threatened you like that, he clearly doesn't love you.

Your boyfriend is an abuser, and if you stay with him you, and potentially your children, are going to end up repeated victims of domestic violence at his hands., One thing I want to warn you about is I had a bad experience from an autistic older brother who was physically abusive to me and sexually abusive to other family members and his behavior was played off as autizm. Please make sure you know what you're getting into. It's very common among autistic children., And how did she move the guy and his kid into her place without ever meeting the kid. There’s lots of missing info here., sure.

\_edit to add:\_ i don't mean that to be dismissive. i mean that literally. OP could be lying, yeah., She hasn't said or done anything remotely rude.  You're taking this too personally. 

Remember that this is a sub for parents of children for autism.  This really isn't directed at people with autism.

A big reason we post here is because we have a different life experience and concerns than people who actually have autism.  I've posted in autism subs and parents often get poor information because there are many people with autism who are extremely sensitive (and understandably so), but in a sub where you're not even the primary audience, I think you should consider taking a step back and letting the parents here actually be sincere and honest without needing to worry about offending you.  Don't kid yourself, i believe your need to advocate for the sensibilities of people with autism is admirable, but please don't block people from sharing their personal and genuine feelings when they;re really not even talking to you directly.  

It's nothing personal, but just like you, we have a different experience of autism.  Where you have to live it, we have to live with watching it as parents every single day.  In her case, she is likely terribly worried about her partners child, but feels helpless to contribute.  That's hard man,

So please dont shut it down., \>I’m also worried about the affect that having him around my children will have on them as well as having his family around my children as they are also kind of on the slower side  


Respectfully she kinda is an asshole and an idiot for having a baby with someone she apparently didnt know much about, you never said that in your original post.  I dont think that from reading it the issue this parent has was the ""slow"" family members., Concise and educated comment here. Agree completely 👍, The 12 year old threatened that not the boyfriend., There is for sure, You’re fine. And yeah we only have one side. And she said single dad so we don’t know if he had full custody and what happened. But I do find it weird she never meet the kid before things got serious…I mean this could all absolutely be true, especially to her eyes. 

Imma show my age here. There’s an old show called Duck Van Dyke and one of my favorite episodes is one where there is a fight, you see it three times. One from his point of view, one from hers and then you get the pet fish’s point of view which is what really happened. I’m sure that this is the situation as she sees it but we are missing context and we are missing the other side. But somethings weird here., I understand.

To be clear, I think this is a great post, I learn a lot from reding the replies, and I didn't mean to imply that I should never be offended or that things that offend me should be wiped off the internet., I called out one part of her post. That’s it. Not shutting anything down. I think you’re reading too much into my very short and direct response. 

And considering autism is genetic, I think you would be surprised how many people here are autistic., He lied and he's older so I put most of the culpability on Dad, here., Yea true. I didn't see that bit. It's tough anyway :(



This made me think about my own story however. My wife never seemed ""slow"" to me, but I assumed her mom was senile or was starting dementia. I didnt give this a whole lot of concern and got married and had kids. I was in my 20s with obviously less life experiennce


Well now my kids: One is level 2 autistic, other is either ADHD or NT. Turns out my wife is adhd, maybe level 1 autism (after learning the symptoms).  It never occured to me in my youth not to have kids with her because, People don't have multiple baby daddies because they're wise about choosing partners., Well yea they have a lot going on it seems. 
But they directly asked AITA so I gave them an answer., thank you, i'm sorry., And I think you're reading too little as the original poster's issue was not that the child had autism.  Agree to disagree?, bingo!, She never once thought to meet this kid BEFORE getting into a serious relationship with someone?, I really hope OP can abort and move on because she isn't the right fit for this family. That is OK but let's not blame the 12 yr old and ""slow"" family members. For all we know her kid has a good chance of not being NT as well given the genetics on both sides and her kid might be the ""rude monster"" she claims this 12 yr old is.  


The guy she is impregnated by is the cause of her friction, It’s literally the title of the post?

All I said was that the fact that she’s posting her opinion on not wanting her child around another autistic child in an ***autism parent subreddit*** is pretty tone deaf. Based on the upvotes, others agree.

I didn’t say anything more. Not sure what you’re trying to get at here. Not interested in going back and forth., [deleted], >The guy she is impregnated by is the cause of her friction

I am genuinely worried for OP and her kids. First off, this guy lied to her about his son. Second, he doesn't care that she's suffering abuse from his son. Third, he's maintaining control over her by threatening to accuse her of felonies. Dear god, this is not going to end well if she doesn't get the hell out., Yup. I agree., That's the child making threats, Reread that. The kids making threats not the boyfriend., Almost like the boyfriend wants the OP to be a slave to look after his kids rather than a respected mother figure., okay, i'm sorry. thank you., How did he get straight A's if he can't hold a pencil 🤔, My advice and suggestions.

It sounds as though the stepson also has dyspraxia due to the physical coordination issues. It maybe worth pushing for this diagnosis first, if you want to stay around.

But honestly, as a mother of a child with autism, my advice is to run, ask him to leave today. Not because of the child, but because of his poor parenting and not being able to do what's in his child's best interests. Imagine what a fight you'd have if you clash over the baby's best interests.

A child making such venomous comments regarding abuse, has issues potentially far bigger than any autism diagnosis. 

Given your age, rack this up as relationship experience you won't repeat. Make sure you habitually have lived experience with all new partners and are not reliant on trusting their word!, This is a dumpster fire and if you can astill have an abortion I would do so and break up with the guy.   


as well as having his family around my children as they are also kind of on the slower side and don’t see anything wrong with his behaviours.  


What an amzing future for your child. What the fuck does this even mean, YTA for posting that you don’t want your child around another child that may have autism in an “Autism_Parenting” subreddit 

Come on, I mean, I feel like you are limited in what you can do but I hope your partners’ complete unwillingness to do the bare minimum for their existing child is a wake up call for you., Your kids aren’t going to catch autism from your stepson 🙄. Also I don’t understand…you never had him around your kids before you got married?

But you’re NTA for thinking he is autistic but YTA for the obvious disdain you seem to have for him., It sounds like you may be right, but unfortunately don’t really have any say in getting him diagnosed.  It sounds doubtful that you will convince anyone, so you may need to think about how you can help him without a diagnosis

His behavior is unacceptable, whether he is autistic or not.  I would tell your husband that the behaviors need to be addressed or you are taking your kids and leaving., You are 23 and your 30yr old boyfriend moved in with YOU? Cut your losses and kick him out. This doesn't sound like a normal situation at all. You should vet your prospective partners better especially since you already have a child from a previous relationship to worry about. I don't think you are an AH, but I think you lack life and dating experience. For fks sake your boyfriends son is only 11years younger than you, you aren't even twice his age! There is nothing you can do for the 12yr old child that isn't yours, but you have some choices to make about your unborn child. There is a good chance that this child will also be on the spectrum and you can either spend the rest of your life fighting with his family to get it help, leave the boyfriend and seek primary custody to make all medical decisions, or possibly have an abortion. Because let's face it, this baby daddy is not going to be much help and I personally wouldn't want them involved in my life what so ever., This sounds more of a ""blended family issue"" and there are better subs for that. It also sounds like there are communication issues etc between you and boyfriend.

The kid is not the issue. The boyfriend is. And he isn't going to take any parenting advice from you  (prob due to age gap and his own hubris).

If you can't accept this kid and blame the kid instead of placing  the blame on the 30 year old man who probably didn't have custody enough until he moved in with you and lied to you, run. This is not going to end well for you and your bio kid., >He's threatened to call the police and tell them I'm attracted to little kids or call the police and tell them I physically abuse him.

You need to get yourself and your kids out of that house and away from this psychopath right now. You cannot do it fast enough. Theatening someone like that is domestic abuse. You need to go to a safe place, whether it's your parents or a sibling or some extended family or a friend, or even a women's shelter. For your safety and the safety of your kids, you need to get the fuck away from that maniac as fast as you can.

And get a restraining order., Wow. It's as if everyone here forgot their thick skin. So high and mighty.

Regardless of Autism, the father/your partner should be a lot more supportive of how you're feeling and what you're going through. This is not okay. Now, just because it's not okay isn't a golden ticket. Without support and by that I mean open communication, help learning how his son deals with x, y, or z and an assortment of other stuff... This is going to be really difficult.

All kids pick up bad behaviors from their peers. There's a student in my sons special education class that meows. My son does too, now. My son hits his chest like Tarzan when he's mad sometimes. Another parent mentioned her son does this sometimes too when he didn't before. This is essentially the same as any child who comes home with a new 'behavior'.

However, it's your job as the parent to talk about what behaviors are safe, alternatives, etc and just try your best to guide while being understanding and accommodating. It's not just children with autism. It's all kids.

I'm sorry that the family is unsupportive, perhaps a little uninformed or they just don't care. Not everyone is proactive and some people refuse to be reactive. That's not going to help but take it at face value. 

You can't fix anyone but yourself in this circumstance. In a perfect world, I would suggest you talk to your partner a lot. Maybe write down questions, ask about them. How receptive is your partner to good, adult communication? 

If you feel lied to now, hoodwinked or whatever it isn't going to get better after you have another child. I can appreciate that you're here, looking for answers but your one man army needs to be a cohesive, parenting unit to approach this. 

I hope you find the support you need with your significant other or walk away. You shouldn't feel threated or unsafe in your own home. A lot of parents here feel the same way and don't have an out. If no one will support you, you need to take the out. Good luck. I hope you get the answers you seek.

Edit, you aren't an asshole. You're scared, in a bad situation and are pregnant facing a situation you aren't prepared for. Give yourself some grace, take a breath and figure out what's next., You’re just an asshole generally.  Gtfo of here., Is the 12 year old boy's mother still on the scene and does she share custody? What about the school he attends? What is their opinion? You should seek independent advice from local agencies on this. The child should receive therapy for his disability.

You also do not want to raise a newborn in such circumstances where you are unsure of its safety. Your opinions also need to be respected.

Time to kick your partner out I suspect. You can still see each other without living together if you really want to., Well you started off strong but ended up an ass.
 Autism isn’t contagious. Your kids should be around all sorts of people so they can learn to be accepting and loving., What what a bunch of shitbags. He’s clearly missing out on interventions, therapies that would have helped him for years by now. Now he’s gotten old enough to recognize the encouragement from his family, so he’s convinced this is the right way to act, so intervening now will be more difficult.

 His dad really failed him here.

I’m sorry you never got to know these details before you became pregnant with this man’s child.

Will this kid pose a problem for a new baby in the house?, Hi, im a friend on a throw away account. The boyfriend is a mega liar. He painted a picture of a perfect kid who had no behavioural problems whatsoever. The OP, is not lying. This “parent” of the 12 year old is the most incompetent father and he thinks his kid is okay, and succeeding.

** thought 
I would add for clarification if there was behaviour problems and they were mentioned beforehand and there was plans in place to help this kid,  I don’t think this would be as big as a deal , it wouldn’t also be as big if this 30y/o was parenting them, sounds like BF is a liar? 🤷‍♂️, Your post isnt really about autism.  It's about a child whose needs are being neglected by a family that is enabling that child and ignoring very important social and behavioural milestones.  Every therapist i have talked to reminds me that autistic children are still children first.  Just because they have difficulties with certain skills does not mean that they are immune from being total assholes, falling victim to bad parenting, and suffering from neglect. 

My child has autism, and i still feel your concerns are extremely important.  But really, this is about your relationship with the father.  This needs to be dealt with, but i guess it really depends on how you want to handle it., If we look at this more objectively, do you think that it is OK and not impactful on her children seeing her spoken to like this? With the threats he's making?

We all have a duty of care to OUR children. Heck, we have all read posts where families have chosen to separate to be able to do what's best for all of the children so they're not impacted. 

Let's have some empathy here for her, too., I’m not worried about my children catching autism, I have a few friends and family members with autism and they’re a great part of our lives. I’m worried about the behavioural aspect of it and how that will influence my toddler and baby growing up. I don’t want them thinking it’s okay to act that way and the way it affects our family dynamic, No they're going to ""catch"" that acting like a little shit is just peachy., They're talking about the KID making those threats. 


Just terrible parenting. Probably should've met his child and witnessed his parenting before putting him on the rack as baby daddy #2., The kids making the threats and if they are telling the truth about this kid…how many times has your pre teen threatened you?, His mother has split custody so the child is with us 50% of the time. She is in the same predicament as she doesn’t see an issue with her son either despite being told by an occupational therapist he needs help due to his lack of motor skills. The school board had tried to get involved but his parents told them they were looking into getting him tested and working with doctors and speech therapists already so they have stepped back assuming he’s already receiving help. However none of that is happening this child hasn’t seen a family doctor in years. As I am not a parent I cannot legally do anything without his parents signing off on it. I just want my step son to be able to get the help he needs to better himself for the future as I understand how undiagnosed autism and other issues can have long term affects on people physically and emotionally. His parents refuse to help him or take him to anyone and let him sit in front of video games for 8-12 hours a day every day and seem to just rather keep him happy than deal with the root causes of his issues, Why would you want your child around a kid like that, neurotypical or not.  Autism doesn't rub off, but bad behaviour does.  There is a difference.  We all have a responsibility to learn to behave properly and to teach our kids to do so, with or without autism.  Where a person lands is a different story.

Any therapist worth their salt will tell you that., I love my step son but as someone who can see a difference I want him to get help and the treatments he needs to have an overall better quality of life. I’ve seen autistic family members have early involvement with specialists and doctors and the difference it can make. I just want him to be the best version of himself that can be and I feel like his family has failed him I just don’t know how to help, Or OP is. We don’t actually know which one is to be fair. It’s the internet., THIS!!!, agree. i am offended by OP's tone and diction, but still sympathize with her situation, what it must be doing to her, and what it must be doing to her kids., I know she may be panicked and not thinking straight but she is posting in the wrong place with that type of mindset. Just being honest!, You're NOT the asshole. I don't have any advice here but I want to reassure you that being concerned about your children is not illogical nor selfish. I have an autistic 7 year old, and our NT 5 year old as has picked up unpreferred behaviors and has received less idealistic parenting as a result., Not completely sure why you are being downvoted to be honest. Even though you have been threatened by him you still want what is best for the 12 year old. He needs help and therapy or he will be quite difficult to interact with in later life. His father may not want a diagnosis but there are so many benefits for gaining it., i see. i'm sorry., yeah, i really misunderstood that :-/, I'd not want my own child to be raised by a father who is fine with his own child living like that while lying to teachers that he is doing all these things for his child. 


You'll very likely have to constantly work against him when trying to raise your shared child. Why would you want that for yourself and your kid?, It is not good enough that his parents are telling the school one thing and doing the opposite, presumably to save money and their own efforts. The boy is basically being neglected and put in the too hard basket.

In saying all that, you have already told his father your views on this and he is not agreeing to do anything about it. There is not much more you can do on that front. It would be best to avoid getting into more conflicts about this subject because it would mostly affect your own wellbeing.

You have some difficult decisions ahead so I wish you the best going forward., I was referring to the ‘slow’ family members they mentioned. Or rather shouldn’t have mentioned…, At 12 it's far too late for early intervention. And you don't have parental responsibility, so there's not much you can do here. That might just be something you have to accept, and make your own decisions from there., so far you've said some pretty offensive things, but this particular comment is actually quite nice. idk why you're getting downvoted for it.

anyway, i'm going to make this pretty blunt, but i'm not exaggerating the least bit. i really think you need to hear this.

>He’s threatened to call the police and tell them I’m attracted to little kids or call the police and tell them I physically abuse him.

Read that again. HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! How can a loving person threaten you like that? How can someone who loves you threaten you like that? They can't! If this guy has threatened you like that, he clearly doesn't love you.

Your boyfriend is an abuser, and if you stay with him you, and potentially your children, are going to end up repeated victims of domestic violence at his hands., One thing I want to warn you about is I had a bad experience from an autistic older brother who was physically abusive to me and sexually abusive to other family members and his behavior was played off as autizm. Please make sure you know what you're getting into. It's very common among autistic children., And how did she move the guy and his kid into her place without ever meeting the kid. There’s lots of missing info here., sure.

\_edit to add:\_ i don't mean that to be dismissive. i mean that literally. OP could be lying, yeah., She hasn't said or done anything remotely rude.  You're taking this too personally. 

Remember that this is a sub for parents of children for autism.  This really isn't directed at people with autism.

A big reason we post here is because we have a different life experience and concerns than people who actually have autism.  I've posted in autism subs and parents often get poor information because there are many people with autism who are extremely sensitive (and understandably so), but in a sub where you're not even the primary audience, I think you should consider taking a step back and letting the parents here actually be sincere and honest without needing to worry about offending you.  Don't kid yourself, i believe your need to advocate for the sensibilities of people with autism is admirable, but please don't block people from sharing their personal and genuine feelings when they;re really not even talking to you directly.  

It's nothing personal, but just like you, we have a different experience of autism.  Where you have to live it, we have to live with watching it as parents every single day.  In her case, she is likely terribly worried about her partners child, but feels helpless to contribute.  That's hard man,

So please dont shut it down., \>I’m also worried about the affect that having him around my children will have on them as well as having his family around my children as they are also kind of on the slower side  


Respectfully she kinda is an asshole and an idiot for having a baby with someone she apparently didnt know much about, you never said that in your original post.  I dont think that from reading it the issue this parent has was the ""slow"" family members., Concise and educated comment here. Agree completely 👍, The 12 year old threatened that not the boyfriend., There is for sure, You’re fine. And yeah we only have one side. And she said single dad so we don’t know if he had full custody and what happened. But I do find it weird she never meet the kid before things got serious…I mean this could all absolutely be true, especially to her eyes. 

Imma show my age here. There’s an old show called Duck Van Dyke and one of my favorite episodes is one where there is a fight, you see it three times. One from his point of view, one from hers and then you get the pet fish’s point of view which is what really happened. I’m sure that this is the situation as she sees it but we are missing context and we are missing the other side. But somethings weird here., I understand.

To be clear, I think this is a great post, I learn a lot from reding the replies, and I didn't mean to imply that I should never be offended or that things that offend me should be wiped off the internet., I called out one part of her post. That’s it. Not shutting anything down. I think you’re reading too much into my very short and direct response. 

And considering autism is genetic, I think you would be surprised how many people here are autistic., He lied and he's older so I put most of the culpability on Dad, here., Yea true. I didn't see that bit. It's tough anyway :(



This made me think about my own story however. My wife never seemed ""slow"" to me, but I assumed her mom was senile or was starting dementia. I didnt give this a whole lot of concern and got married and had kids. I was in my 20s with obviously less life experiennce


Well now my kids: One is level 2 autistic, other is either ADHD or NT. Turns out my wife is adhd, maybe level 1 autism (after learning the symptoms).  It never occured to me in my youth not to have kids with her because, People don't have multiple baby daddies because they're wise about choosing partners., Well yea they have a lot going on it seems. 
But they directly asked AITA so I gave them an answer., thank you, i'm sorry., And I think you're reading too little as the original poster's issue was not that the child had autism.  Agree to disagree?, bingo!, She never once thought to meet this kid BEFORE getting into a serious relationship with someone?, I really hope OP can abort and move on because she isn't the right fit for this family. That is OK but let's not blame the 12 yr old and ""slow"" family members. For all we know her kid has a good chance of not being NT as well given the genetics on both sides and her kid might be the ""rude monster"" she claims this 12 yr old is.  


The guy she is impregnated by is the cause of her friction, It’s literally the title of the post?

All I said was that the fact that she’s posting her opinion on not wanting her child around another autistic child in an ***autism parent subreddit*** is pretty tone deaf. Based on the upvotes, others agree.

I didn’t say anything more. Not sure what you’re trying to get at here. Not interested in going back and forth., [deleted], >The guy she is impregnated by is the cause of her friction

I am genuinely worried for OP and her kids. First off, this guy lied to her about his son. Second, he doesn't care that she's suffering abuse from his son. Third, he's maintaining control over her by threatening to accuse her of felonies. Dear god, this is not going to end well if she doesn't get the hell out., Yup. I agree., That's the child making threats, Reread that. The kids making threats not the boyfriend., Almost like the boyfriend wants the OP to be a slave to look after his kids rather than a respected mother figure., okay, i'm sorry. thank you., How did he get straight A's if he can't hold a pencil 🤔, My advice and suggestions.

It sounds as though the stepson also has dyspraxia due to the physical coordination issues. It maybe worth pushing for this diagnosis first, if you want to stay around.

But honestly, as a mother of a child with autism, my advice is to run, ask him to leave today. Not because of the child, but because of his poor parenting and not being able to do what's in his child's best interests. Imagine what a fight you'd have if you clash over the baby's best interests.

A child making such venomous comments regarding abuse, has issues potentially far bigger than any autism diagnosis. 

Given your age, rack this up as relationship experience you won't repeat. Make sure you habitually have lived experience with all new partners and are not reliant on trusting their word!, This is a dumpster fire and if you can astill have an abortion I would do so and break up with the guy.   


as well as having his family around my children as they are also kind of on the slower side and don’t see anything wrong with his behaviours.  


What an amzing future for your child. What the fuck does this even mean, YTA for posting that you don’t want your child around another child that may have autism in an “Autism_Parenting” subreddit 

Come on, I mean, I feel like you are limited in what you can do but I hope your partners’ complete unwillingness to do the bare minimum for their existing child is a wake up call for you., Your kids aren’t going to catch autism from your stepson 🙄. Also I don’t understand…you never had him around your kids before you got married?

But you’re NTA for thinking he is autistic but YTA for the obvious disdain you seem to have for him., It sounds like you may be right, but unfortunately don’t really have any say in getting him diagnosed.  It sounds doubtful that you will convince anyone, so you may need to think about how you can help him without a diagnosis

His behavior is unacceptable, whether he is autistic or not.  I would tell your husband that the behaviors need to be addressed or you are taking your kids and leaving., You are 23 and your 30yr old boyfriend moved in with YOU? Cut your losses and kick him out. This doesn't sound like a normal situation at all. You should vet your prospective partners better especially since you already have a child from a previous relationship to worry about. I don't think you are an AH, but I think you lack life and dating experience. For fks sake your boyfriends son is only 11years younger than you, you aren't even twice his age! There is nothing you can do for the 12yr old child that isn't yours, but you have some choices to make about your unborn child. There is a good chance that this child will also be on the spectrum and you can either spend the rest of your life fighting with his family to get it help, leave the boyfriend and seek primary custody to make all medical decisions, or possibly have an abortion. Because let's face it, this baby daddy is not going to be much help and I personally wouldn't want them involved in my life what so ever., This sounds more of a ""blended family issue"" and there are better subs for that. It also sounds like there are communication issues etc between you and boyfriend.

The kid is not the issue. The boyfriend is. And he isn't going to take any parenting advice from you  (prob due to age gap and his own hubris).

If you can't accept this kid and blame the kid instead of placing  the blame on the 30 year old man who probably didn't have custody enough until he moved in with you and lied to you, run. This is not going to end well for you and your bio kid., >He's threatened to call the police and tell them I'm attracted to little kids or call the police and tell them I physically abuse him.

You need to get yourself and your kids out of that house and away from this psychopath right now. You cannot do it fast enough. Theatening someone like that is domestic abuse. You need to go to a safe place, whether it's your parents or a sibling or some extended family or a friend, or even a women's shelter. For your safety and the safety of your kids, you need to get the fuck away from that maniac as fast as you can.

And get a restraining order., Wow. It's as if everyone here forgot their thick skin. So high and mighty.

Regardless of Autism, the father/your partner should be a lot more supportive of how you're feeling and what you're going through. This is not okay. Now, just because it's not okay isn't a golden ticket. Without support and by that I mean open communication, help learning how his son deals with x, y, or z and an assortment of other stuff... This is going to be really difficult.

All kids pick up bad behaviors from their peers. There's a student in my sons special education class that meows. My son does too, now. My son hits his chest like Tarzan when he's mad sometimes. Another parent mentioned her son does this sometimes too when he didn't before. This is essentially the same as any child who comes home with a new 'behavior'.

However, it's your job as the parent to talk about what behaviors are safe, alternatives, etc and just try your best to guide while being understanding and accommodating. It's not just children with autism. It's all kids.

I'm sorry that the family is unsupportive, perhaps a little uninformed or they just don't care. Not everyone is proactive and some people refuse to be reactive. That's not going to help but take it at face value. 

You can't fix anyone but yourself in this circumstance. In a perfect world, I would suggest you talk to your partner a lot. Maybe write down questions, ask about them. How receptive is your partner to good, adult communication? 

If you feel lied to now, hoodwinked or whatever it isn't going to get better after you have another child. I can appreciate that you're here, looking for answers but your one man army needs to be a cohesive, parenting unit to approach this. 

I hope you find the support you need with your significant other or walk away. You shouldn't feel threated or unsafe in your own home. A lot of parents here feel the same way and don't have an out. If no one will support you, you need to take the out. Good luck. I hope you get the answers you seek.

Edit, you aren't an asshole. You're scared, in a bad situation and are pregnant facing a situation you aren't prepared for. Give yourself some grace, take a breath and figure out what's next., You’re just an asshole generally.  Gtfo of here., Is the 12 year old boy's mother still on the scene and does she share custody? What about the school he attends? What is their opinion? You should seek independent advice from local agencies on this. The child should receive therapy for his disability.

You also do not want to raise a newborn in such circumstances where you are unsure of its safety. Your opinions also need to be respected.

Time to kick your partner out I suspect. You can still see each other without living together if you really want to., Well you started off strong but ended up an ass.
 Autism isn’t contagious. Your kids should be around all sorts of people so they can learn to be accepting and loving., What what a bunch of shitbags. He’s clearly missing out on interventions, therapies that would have helped him for years by now. Now he’s gotten old enough to recognize the encouragement from his family, so he’s convinced this is the right way to act, so intervening now will be more difficult.

 His dad really failed him here.

I’m sorry you never got to know these details before you became pregnant with this man’s child.

Will this kid pose a problem for a new baby in the house?, Hi, im a friend on a throw away account. The boyfriend is a mega liar. He painted a picture of a perfect kid who had no behavioural problems whatsoever. The OP, is not lying. This “parent” of the 12 year old is the most incompetent father and he thinks his kid is okay, and succeeding.

** thought 
I would add for clarification if there was behaviour problems and they were mentioned beforehand and there was plans in place to help this kid,  I don’t think this would be as big as a deal , it wouldn’t also be as big if this 30y/o was parenting them, sounds like BF is a liar? 🤷‍♂️, Your post isnt really about autism.  It's about a child whose needs are being neglected by a family that is enabling that child and ignoring very important social and behavioural milestones.  Every therapist i have talked to reminds me that autistic children are still children first.  Just because they have difficulties with certain skills does not mean that they are immune from being total assholes, falling victim to bad parenting, and suffering from neglect. 

My child has autism, and i still feel your concerns are extremely important.  But really, this is about your relationship with the father.  This needs to be dealt with, but i guess it really depends on how you want to handle it., If we look at this more objectively, do you think that it is OK and not impactful on her children seeing her spoken to like this? With the threats he's making?

We all have a duty of care to OUR children. Heck, we have all read posts where families have chosen to separate to be able to do what's best for all of the children so they're not impacted. 

Let's have some empathy here for her, too., I’m not worried about my children catching autism, I have a few friends and family members with autism and they’re a great part of our lives. I’m worried about the behavioural aspect of it and how that will influence my toddler and baby growing up. I don’t want them thinking it’s okay to act that way and the way it affects our family dynamic, No they're going to ""catch"" that acting like a little shit is just peachy., They're talking about the KID making those threats. 


Just terrible parenting. Probably should've met his child and witnessed his parenting before putting him on the rack as baby daddy #2., The kids making the threats and if they are telling the truth about this kid…how many times has your pre teen threatened you?, His mother has split custody so the child is with us 50% of the time. She is in the same predicament as she doesn’t see an issue with her son either despite being told by an occupational therapist he needs help due to his lack of motor skills. The school board had tried to get involved but his parents told them they were looking into getting him tested and working with doctors and speech therapists already so they have stepped back assuming he’s already receiving help. However none of that is happening this child hasn’t seen a family doctor in years. As I am not a parent I cannot legally do anything without his parents signing off on it. I just want my step son to be able to get the help he needs to better himself for the future as I understand how undiagnosed autism and other issues can have long term affects on people physically and emotionally. His parents refuse to help him or take him to anyone and let him sit in front of video games for 8-12 hours a day every day and seem to just rather keep him happy than deal with the root causes of his issues, Why would you want your child around a kid like that, neurotypical or not.  Autism doesn't rub off, but bad behaviour does.  There is a difference.  We all have a responsibility to learn to behave properly and to teach our kids to do so, with or without autism.  Where a person lands is a different story.

Any therapist worth their salt will tell you that., I love my step son but as someone who can see a difference I want him to get help and the treatments he needs to have an overall better quality of life. I’ve seen autistic family members have early involvement with specialists and doctors and the difference it can make. I just want him to be the best version of himself that can be and I feel like his family has failed him I just don’t know how to help, Or OP is. We don’t actually know which one is to be fair. It’s the internet., THIS!!!, agree. i am offended by OP's tone and diction, but still sympathize with her situation, what it must be doing to her, and what it must be doing to her kids., I know she may be panicked and not thinking straight but she is posting in the wrong place with that type of mindset. Just being honest!, You're NOT the asshole. I don't have any advice here but I want to reassure you that being concerned about your children is not illogical nor selfish. I have an autistic 7 year old, and our NT 5 year old as has picked up unpreferred behaviors and has received less idealistic parenting as a result., Not completely sure why you are being downvoted to be honest. Even though you have been threatened by him you still want what is best for the 12 year old. He needs help and therapy or he will be quite difficult to interact with in later life. His father may not want a diagnosis but there are so many benefits for gaining it., i see. i'm sorry., yeah, i really misunderstood that :-/, I'd not want my own child to be raised by a father who is fine with his own child living like that while lying to teachers that he is doing all these things for his child. 


You'll very likely have to constantly work against him when trying to raise your shared child. Why would you want that for yourself and your kid?, It is not good enough that his parents are telling the school one thing and doing the opposite, presumably to save money and their own efforts. The boy is basically being neglected and put in the too hard basket.

In saying all that, you have already told his father your views on this and he is not agreeing to do anything about it. There is not much more you can do on that front. It would be best to avoid getting into more conflicts about this subject because it would mostly affect your own wellbeing.

You have some difficult decisions ahead so I wish you the best going forward., I was referring to the ‘slow’ family members they mentioned. Or rather shouldn’t have mentioned…, At 12 it's far too late for early intervention. And you don't have parental responsibility, so there's not much you can do here. That might just be something you have to accept, and make your own decisions from there., so far you've said some pretty offensive things, but this particular comment is actually quite nice. idk why you're getting downvoted for it.

anyway, i'm going to make this pretty blunt, but i'm not exaggerating the least bit. i really think you need to hear this.

>He’s threatened to call the police and tell them I’m attracted to little kids or call the police and tell them I physically abuse him.

Read that again. HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! How can a loving person threaten you like that? How can someone who loves you threaten you like that? They can't! If this guy has threatened you like that, he clearly doesn't love you.

Your boyfriend is an abuser, and if you stay with him you, and potentially your children, are going to end up repeated victims of domestic violence at his hands., One thing I want to warn you about is I had a bad experience from an autistic older brother who was physically abusive to me and sexually abusive to other family members and his behavior was played off as autizm. Please make sure you know what you're getting into. It's very common among autistic children., And how did she move the guy and his kid into her place without ever meeting the kid. There’s lots of missing info here., sure.

\_edit to add:\_ i don't mean that to be dismissive. i mean that literally. OP could be lying, yeah., She hasn't said or done anything remotely rude.  You're taking this too personally. 

Remember that this is a sub for parents of children for autism.  This really isn't directed at people with autism.

A big reason we post here is because we have a different life experience and concerns than people who actually have autism.  I've posted in autism subs and parents often get poor information because there are many people with autism who are extremely sensitive (and understandably so), but in a sub where you're not even the primary audience, I think you should consider taking a step back and letting the parents here actually be sincere and honest without needing to worry about offending you.  Don't kid yourself, i believe your need to advocate for the sensibilities of people with autism is admirable, but please don't block people from sharing their personal and genuine feelings when they;re really not even talking to you directly.  

It's nothing personal, but just like you, we have a different experience of autism.  Where you have to live it, we have to live with watching it as parents every single day.  In her case, she is likely terribly worried about her partners child, but feels helpless to contribute.  That's hard man,

So please dont shut it down., \>I’m also worried about the affect that having him around my children will have on them as well as having his family around my children as they are also kind of on the slower side  


Respectfully she kinda is an asshole and an idiot for having a baby with someone she apparently didnt know much about, you never said that in your original post.  I dont think that from reading it the issue this parent has was the ""slow"" family members., Concise and educated comment here. Agree completely 👍, The 12 year old threatened that not the boyfriend., There is for sure, You’re fine. And yeah we only have one side. And she said single dad so we don’t know if he had full custody and what happened. But I do find it weird she never meet the kid before things got serious…I mean this could all absolutely be true, especially to her eyes. 

Imma show my age here. There’s an old show called Duck Van Dyke and one of my favorite episodes is one where there is a fight, you see it three times. One from his point of view, one from hers and then you get the pet fish’s point of view which is what really happened. I’m sure that this is the situation as she sees it but we are missing context and we are missing the other side. But somethings weird here., I understand.

To be clear, I think this is a great post, I learn a lot from reding the replies, and I didn't mean to imply that I should never be offended or that things that offend me should be wiped off the internet., I called out one part of her post. That’s it. Not shutting anything down. I think you’re reading too much into my very short and direct response. 

And considering autism is genetic, I think you would be surprised how many people here are autistic., He lied and he's older so I put most of the culpability on Dad, here., Yea true. I didn't see that bit. It's tough anyway :(



This made me think about my own story however. My wife never seemed ""slow"" to me, but I assumed her mom was senile or was starting dementia. I didnt give this a whole lot of concern and got married and had kids. I was in my 20s with obviously less life experiennce


Well now my kids: One is level 2 autistic, other is either ADHD or NT. Turns out my wife is adhd, maybe level 1 autism (after learning the symptoms).  It never occured to me in my youth not to have kids with her because, People don't have multiple baby daddies because they're wise about choosing partners., Well yea they have a lot going on it seems. 
But they directly asked AITA so I gave them an answer., thank you, i'm sorry., And I think you're reading too little as the original poster's issue was not that the child had autism.  Agree to disagree?, bingo!, She never once thought to meet this kid BEFORE getting into a serious relationship with someone?, I really hope OP can abort and move on because she isn't the right fit for this family. That is OK but let's not blame the 12 yr old and ""slow"" family members. For all we know her kid has a good chance of not being NT as well given the genetics on both sides and her kid might be the ""rude monster"" she claims this 12 yr old is.  


The guy she is impregnated by is the cause of her friction, It’s literally the title of the post?

All I said was that the fact that she’s posting her opinion on not wanting her child around another autistic child in an ***autism parent subreddit*** is pretty tone deaf. Based on the upvotes, others agree.

I didn’t say anything more. Not sure what you’re trying to get at here. Not interested in going back and forth., [deleted], >The guy she is impregnated by is the cause of her friction

I am genuinely worried for OP and her kids. First off, this guy lied to her about his son. Second, he doesn't care that she's suffering abuse from his son. Third, he's maintaining control over her by threatening to accuse her of felonies. Dear god, this is not going to end well if she doesn't get the hell out., Yup. I agree., That's the child making threats, Reread that. The kids making threats not the boyfriend., Almost like the boyfriend wants the OP to be a slave to look after his kids rather than a respected mother figure., okay, i'm sorry. thank you.",Diagnosis,Family Conflict
"I'm on the ordained ministry track in my denomination and have been offered a full-time chaplain residency for the upcoming academic year. 8-4 Monday through Friday with a 24 hour on call shift every week. 

This would be a huge change for my family. Currently I work full time doing communications at my church. I have the flexibility to pick up my son from school, go to doctor appointments, etc. So it would be an adjustment in ideal times.

It has been a less than ideal year for my kids (2nd grade, ASD with SPD, and 6th grade, ADHD with ODD). My 2nd grader had a horrible teacher until 3 weeks ago who did a number on his self confidence and now he's anxious all the time about school. My daughter will transition to a different campus next year due to district rezoning. 

I really want to do this residency, but I don't know if it's the best decision for my family. I'd love some input or anecdotes from those who have gone through similar transitions with their kids. Thanks!","I really don't think you can take it as much as it sucks. I've been heard of parents that have to completely stop working even because the one child with disabilities, now you have problems with all you kids. Another option is you take it but you need someone to help you with this., I really don't think you can take it as much as it sucks. I've been heard of parents that have to completely stop working even because the one child with disabilities, now you have problems with all you kids. Another option is you take it but you need someone to help you with this., I really don't think you can take it as much as it sucks. I've been heard of parents that have to completely stop working even because the one child with disabilities, now you have problems with all you kids. Another option is you take it but you need someone to help you with this., I really don't think you can take it as much as it sucks. I've been heard of parents that have to completely stop working even because the one child with disabilities, now you have problems with all you kids. Another option is you take it but you need someone to help you with this.",Support,Work/Life Balance
"Previously I posted about my son who is smart enough to use a tablet and play complex video games, yet needs me to:
-put him in the tub
-take him out
-dress him
-wipe his butt
-walk down the hallway with him
-watch him while he pees, poops, bathes, etc
-constantly be within 10 feet of him

Anyway, he was in the tub tonight for a while until the water ran cold.
He is 4 feet tall. He's not an infant.
His towel is within arms reach of him sitting in the bathtub.
He refused to just grab it and get out.
Refused. Screamed hollered cried. He kept saying I'm so cold, and was aware of the towel and how to remedy his situation yet refused unless I lifted him out of the tub and hand dried him myself.

After awhile I got upset because he was... screaming at me so loudly that my ears were ringing and I felt like I was seeing stars. It was such a mind-breaking shrill that I went in and just grabbed him from the tub.
Well, the water caused my hand to slip and my nail accidently scratched him, causing him to have a little blood.
I've apologized for the accident, but now it's ""why would you hurt me on purpose, I'm your son, why why why, you hurt me on purpose""

It makes me feel terrible but at the same time I'm just like, at a loss.

Do I let him scream his head off?
I can't leave him in the tub, he'd rather be hypothermic than do anything himself.
I'm just still so much at a loss for why he's so bossy to me, his aunts, his friends, yet he demands I do everything for him.

This anger in me began earlier today when I found him watching TV while STANDING on his tablet with both feet, full weight.

I honestly feel as if I'm going deaf because of the sheer volume, the decibel of the screaming that is constant. It's not a needy cry, it's like a punishment cry, and he follows you around so you HAVE to listen to it, and if it's a situation like tonight where he's kind of trapped himself in a situation, it somehow gets louder. It's Mariah Carey's whistle tone turned up to max volume, that he's an extra setting to go high enough to shatter glass.

I have an appointment to meet with a therapist who specializes in autistic children and parents of them, however it's not for a while and I just am at a breaking point and don't know what to do.","I don’t think you did anything wrong, it was an accident.  And honestly I don’t think there’s anything wrong with holding your ground and saying no to things.  My kid is literally sitting in an empty tub right now yelling at me to come lift him out despite being perfectly capable.  He won’t stay there forever and tomorrow isn’t a school day.  I’m in no rush., I have 2 that scream so loud and trigger me. I just got loop earplugs and they help a ton, Omg I grabbed my son real fast after he lost his footing and kept him from falling down the stairs. Turns to his mom and says DADDY PUSHED ME DOWN THE STAIRS, You really need to stand your ground here. Otherwise he will learn that he can manipulate you easily. I highly recommend you to record and save any proof you have in case that you need it in the future., Sounds like a super rough night! Have you tried starting with meeting in the middle in this particular situation. Like “I can help you out of the tub and then you dry off by yourself” and if he’s upset with that try “ok, you can get out and then I’ll help you dry off” 

Just an idea if you haven’t tried. Obviously he should be doing it for himself, but maybe it would help gradually increase his self care while gradually decreasing your help so the transition is more peaceful?, I feel for you! We practiced  ""inconvenient solutions"" for my son. Noise canceling headphones are A MUST for you for this to work and even then it's not fool proof. 

If my kiddo didn't want to do something for himself we would ""help""...sort of. Freezing? Won't get out of a cold bath? Ok. Drain the bath and then walk away. Verbalize his options about drying off ( sit and air dry or get out) if you want. 

I didn't ever do things that would lead to his harm or were actively malicious but this was a good way to make him practice problem solving. Also reminding all my kids I cannot be their eyes or ears or arms consistently drives home autonomy. I hope., I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I believe this behavior is just a phase, but it never hurts to record it in case CPS comes knocking so you can show that he has a history of exaggerating the facts, This really sounds like pathological demand avoidance which occurs in some autistic people. I hope the therapist you are seeing is well-versed in it and can help you. I am part of some online PDA groups and am just learning about it as my youngest has a sprinkle of this but doesn't really meet the criteria but the way you described your son completely sounds like the autistic kids described in the group. Maybe an online community with this type of autism can be of some help. If anything, I know it is very helpful to have someone that understands.

I'm sorry that I don't have any real suggestions that are helpful. Just sending you love and patience. Also, I have some noise cancelling headphones that I sometimes use (the type for construction workers or shooting range) and it helps immensely., I really hurt my oldest once with my nail.  I just had a hold of his hand when he slipped/tripped and my nail was jagged and caught on the back of his hand.  It was bad enough that he still has a scar from it, and this was 15 years ago.  He wasn’t mad at me, as he knew it was an accident, but I beat myself up for it for months.   Some days, shit happens.  I’m sure he’ll realize eventually that it wasn’t on purpose.  

You really need to either refuse to get him out, even if he screams, and stick to it, or just get him out to start.  Right now you’re just teaching him that you will do it for him if he keeps it up long enough…which isn’t a great precedent to set., When we have these allegations of abuse (normally from my neurotypical daughter) we just rephrase calmly and refuse to engage more. “Ah, I’m sorry I accidentally scratched you. Can I get you a bandage?” “I’m maimed, I’m dying… it’s your fault.”  “It was an accident. Accident happens. I’m sorry you were hurt.” “I’m still dying”. “I’m sorry to hear that, but we already had this conversation. Accidents happen.”  

Also…It is not safe for you to lift him out of the tub. Especially if he is struggling. I’m worried about you getting hurt. This is a great tool you can use, “remember how you got hurt last time? You need to pop yourself out of the tub, you are a big boy!”. I would go so far as to drain the tub, turn off the water to bathroom and go enjoy a movie with your headphones on. It’s not about being mean. It’s about protecting yourself and giving yourself a break. He is safe…. He can’t drown or be burned without the water. You can support him verbally “well… you are screaming at me now, so I’m afraid I have to leave the room, I won’t let you hurt my ears like that. I’m going to go make some popcorn and watch a movie. I would love for you to join me, you hop out of the tub and towel off and I’ll be sitting in the living room waiting with popcorn to help you into your PJs”. and before the next bath, you can come up with a plan with him (if he can reason that well) to prevent it from happening again. Also… reduce the number of baths!!!! My kids only shower after going to the pool. You don’t need this aggravation every night. You sound burned out. Cut as many things out as possible. 

It’s tough! Good luck. Also, if you plan to change your expectations around bathing explain it before hand and have him agree and if he won’t, don’t do the bath. “Ok Tim, it’s bath time. Remember, you need to get yourself out of the tub and then I will help you dry off. Will I help you out of the tub?” “No.” “That’s right! And if you start screaming, what is going to happen?” “You will leave” “yep! I can’t let you hurt my ears! I will only come back when there has been quiet for 30 seconds, just like we practiced”., You let them know its an accident, define the word accident,  you apologize and we don't use words like kill, abuse, etc for accidents. 

But yeah, the screaming. It can do your head in. I must go through 2 bottles of OTC pain meds every three weeks or so. Oy., The whole situation sounds awful. I really sympathise with you. I have two (out of 4 children) who are similar. The older one is diagnosed and will get wound up and any slight touch will be deemed as abuse. The younger one is the same, but is more easily triggered. Even trying to guide him gently in a direction (for example if he is upset and wants something and I put my hand on his back to guide him to the item he wants... ''WHY ARE YOU PUSHING ME?!?!?!""). I've found there is no point in arguing. I say 'sorry, I didn't mean to' and remove my hands from anywhere near them. I try to stay as calm as possible. In that moment, I think that they are in such a high state of anxiety/emotion/feeling that they are both hyper sensitive to touch and are also bursting with all this emotion (anger/rage) that they are desperate for an outlet.

Our therapist recommended using minimal words when they are in this state, because your words become another thing to think about and process when they are already overwhelmed.

Ideally, we would recognise the triggers and redirect before the screaming starts (to an alternative activity/sensory box/exercise) but that is often difficult.

Our therapist suggested that we spend time practicing ways to calm down (deep breathing for example) when our children are relaxed and calm, as often as we can (3-5 times a week at least if possible). The idea is that we are teaching them the skills to calm down so when they do get angry they can use the skills. 

She also recommended creating a sensory box (things like fidget toys, maybe a little bit of chocolate, playdough, pens/paper, physical pictures of happy things/places that our child/children can get in the habit of seeking out when they feel overwhelmed.

I've found that the more sympathy/empathy I show my kids in the moment, the quicker they calm down. It's like they just want to be heard but are going a horrible way about it., He's not trying to manipulate you. You said his routine is for you to do everything, including getting him out of the tub. He is sticking to the routine as that's what he knows is safe. 

You are telling him the routine for that night is different but he isn't prepared for it. 

It absolutely sucks, I totally agree. I hate the screaming and bath screaming is another level due to the reverb off the walls. 

If it was me, I'd be looking for ways to change the routines in tiny ways over a long period until you were able to get him to be  more independent. Far, far easier said than done. 

I'm in no way doing any better. My 5.5 yr old son has regressed since starting pre-primary, which he hates. He is so overloaded and anxious now that he is looking to us to do everything in order to feel secure. 

He was independently doing most things but now won't do anything without help. I put my foot down today and said that his sister would choose the outing for today if he didn't put his shoes on by himself. He had several meltdowns but eventually did it. However I know that all I've done is created a further barrier to him doing it himself. His routine will become having an argument and meltdown and then putting on his shoes. It will take longer and be far more distressing for everyone. And if history is anything to go by, it will have unwanted side effects, like him not wanting to go out anymore. Putting my foot down on anything has never ended with him consistently doing that thing independently. Praise, fun and goals have over long periods of time helped him want to be independent. 

I wish you well and hope you are able to work it out with him., Hi! First, you're doing a great job, momma! I'm wondering if he has any motor planning issues? He might not know how to begin the process of getting hus body out of the tub. I thought my son was just ""being difficult"" about washing his hands well.  One day, I tried telling him to scrub the soap for a count of 5 and then rinse foe a count of 5. Right away, he did it.  He just didn't know how to motor plan a direction that wasn't very concrete (wash your hands right, longer, etc.). Also, I find that when expectations change, that may require a little help with planning out what that looks like and feels like in their bodies, especially if there are interception (recognizing signals from their body) and sensory challenges.  He might not realize he's cold until he's very cold. And then he has to regulate around that feeling and try to motor plan something that he's never done before or hasn't done often.  That's really tricky. Perhaps you can try talking about the expectations around and the steps involved with getting out of the tub / practicing it when he's dry and not bathing and in a good state of regulation.  As for the standing on tablet while watching TV, my guess is he had no idea.  My son gets so focused on the TV, his body awareness completely fades away. As for the scratching, I've found that in the moment logic will not work.  Logic doesn't change emotions. When he's calm, he might be more receptive to a good discussion about accidents and how the words we use to describe them matter.  I think we all have to remind ourselves sometimes that our kids don't wake up with the goal of manipulating us.  Even if it feels like it!  You obviously love your son very much and are a wonderful mom. Hang in there!, Have you ever looked into PDA Autism?, Regarding the screams, in order not to become crazy with the high pitch sounds my son can produce, I always have headphones handy. They are not fully noise cancelling so I can remain attentive to my surroundings but they make those types of sounds bearable. So if my son throws a fit and I clearly see that there is nothing he really needs, then I put my headphones on.

In this situation you're obviously not gonna let your son get hypothermia. So you are facing one of those complex situations where the only way out is very gradual. My suggestion would be: put up a reward system. Let him know that if he helps himself out of the bathtub, there's going to be a small reward after that. It could be anything you know he likes as you know him better than me. To get my son out of those behavioral energy wells, I tend to offer him to simply lift him up and down again as he finds this very satisfying sensorially speaking. He only gets the reward if he displays the desired behavior. In the case of the bathtub I'd let him a few minutes to decide and then to preserve his health if he didn't decide to behave properly you get him out, without a fuss or being angry at him, just with a neutral face, but no reward. In those few minutes if there are screams, use your headphones to protect your sanity and calmly explain him the deal, repeating the terms.

Of course it's not gonna work immediately but my experience with my son is that it often helps rectifying/decreasing the undesired behavior over the span of a few weeks.

You've all my support., Accidents happen. This was an accident, and that’s the important thing to remember and teach.

The other important thing to do now, is to explain that this accident would not have happened if he would have just gotten himself out of the tub. That he also needs to use his indoor voice, because it causes you pain, and it stresses you out. That, when you are in pain and stressed, then that means accidents can happen more frequently. (Because they can. That’s just a fact. It’s not a threat, you just need to make him see you are in need of his cooperation and help). 

I’d also look for personal stories about him getting out of the bath and being a big, strong, helpful, responsible little dude. Maybe look into stories about manipulation and why that’s not a good thing to do (the boy who cried wolf comes to mind, but there may be others). 

I’d also sit him down and explain how bath time is going to go from now on: son, from now on, you’re going to get into the bath and, when the bath is over, you’re going to get out on your own. Mom is not going to help you getting out, you’re a big boy. Those are the rules, otherwise, you can take a shower instead. Okay? 

Then draw that line and do not compromise unless he’s sick and/or unable. Otherwise, you need to just agree to take him out and not give him this middle ground where he has room to manipulate you. This can help prevent undesired behaviours like screaming, and it only takes a two minutes versus the 10-30 minutes of arguing and meltdowns that can happen (I, too, have a child who is like this with baths - and it’s because she has intense anxiety around things she thinks are dangerous)., Loop earplugs are a lifesaver!, He’s already learned to manipulate. OP is basically a hostage now, Your comment prompted me to look into PDA. My son definitely has it and it does explain why he is often so different to other ASD kids around us. 

He is much more of an anxious kid and definitely gets rigid thinking. Can't stand having anyone tell him to do anything and hates being at school as they tell him what to do., I don’t think you did anything wrong, it was an accident.  And honestly I don’t think there’s anything wrong with holding your ground and saying no to things.  My kid is literally sitting in an empty tub right now yelling at me to come lift him out despite being perfectly capable.  He won’t stay there forever and tomorrow isn’t a school day.  I’m in no rush., I have 2 that scream so loud and trigger me. I just got loop earplugs and they help a ton, Omg I grabbed my son real fast after he lost his footing and kept him from falling down the stairs. Turns to his mom and says DADDY PUSHED ME DOWN THE STAIRS, You really need to stand your ground here. Otherwise he will learn that he can manipulate you easily. I highly recommend you to record and save any proof you have in case that you need it in the future., Sounds like a super rough night! Have you tried starting with meeting in the middle in this particular situation. Like “I can help you out of the tub and then you dry off by yourself” and if he’s upset with that try “ok, you can get out and then I’ll help you dry off” 

Just an idea if you haven’t tried. Obviously he should be doing it for himself, but maybe it would help gradually increase his self care while gradually decreasing your help so the transition is more peaceful?, I feel for you! We practiced  ""inconvenient solutions"" for my son. Noise canceling headphones are A MUST for you for this to work and even then it's not fool proof. 

If my kiddo didn't want to do something for himself we would ""help""...sort of. Freezing? Won't get out of a cold bath? Ok. Drain the bath and then walk away. Verbalize his options about drying off ( sit and air dry or get out) if you want. 

I didn't ever do things that would lead to his harm or were actively malicious but this was a good way to make him practice problem solving. Also reminding all my kids I cannot be their eyes or ears or arms consistently drives home autonomy. I hope., I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I believe this behavior is just a phase, but it never hurts to record it in case CPS comes knocking so you can show that he has a history of exaggerating the facts, This really sounds like pathological demand avoidance which occurs in some autistic people. I hope the therapist you are seeing is well-versed in it and can help you. I am part of some online PDA groups and am just learning about it as my youngest has a sprinkle of this but doesn't really meet the criteria but the way you described your son completely sounds like the autistic kids described in the group. Maybe an online community with this type of autism can be of some help. If anything, I know it is very helpful to have someone that understands.

I'm sorry that I don't have any real suggestions that are helpful. Just sending you love and patience. Also, I have some noise cancelling headphones that I sometimes use (the type for construction workers or shooting range) and it helps immensely., I really hurt my oldest once with my nail.  I just had a hold of his hand when he slipped/tripped and my nail was jagged and caught on the back of his hand.  It was bad enough that he still has a scar from it, and this was 15 years ago.  He wasn’t mad at me, as he knew it was an accident, but I beat myself up for it for months.   Some days, shit happens.  I’m sure he’ll realize eventually that it wasn’t on purpose.  

You really need to either refuse to get him out, even if he screams, and stick to it, or just get him out to start.  Right now you’re just teaching him that you will do it for him if he keeps it up long enough…which isn’t a great precedent to set., When we have these allegations of abuse (normally from my neurotypical daughter) we just rephrase calmly and refuse to engage more. “Ah, I’m sorry I accidentally scratched you. Can I get you a bandage?” “I’m maimed, I’m dying… it’s your fault.”  “It was an accident. Accident happens. I’m sorry you were hurt.” “I’m still dying”. “I’m sorry to hear that, but we already had this conversation. Accidents happen.”  

Also…It is not safe for you to lift him out of the tub. Especially if he is struggling. I’m worried about you getting hurt. This is a great tool you can use, “remember how you got hurt last time? You need to pop yourself out of the tub, you are a big boy!”. I would go so far as to drain the tub, turn off the water to bathroom and go enjoy a movie with your headphones on. It’s not about being mean. It’s about protecting yourself and giving yourself a break. He is safe…. He can’t drown or be burned without the water. You can support him verbally “well… you are screaming at me now, so I’m afraid I have to leave the room, I won’t let you hurt my ears like that. I’m going to go make some popcorn and watch a movie. I would love for you to join me, you hop out of the tub and towel off and I’ll be sitting in the living room waiting with popcorn to help you into your PJs”. and before the next bath, you can come up with a plan with him (if he can reason that well) to prevent it from happening again. Also… reduce the number of baths!!!! My kids only shower after going to the pool. You don’t need this aggravation every night. You sound burned out. Cut as many things out as possible. 

It’s tough! Good luck. Also, if you plan to change your expectations around bathing explain it before hand and have him agree and if he won’t, don’t do the bath. “Ok Tim, it’s bath time. Remember, you need to get yourself out of the tub and then I will help you dry off. Will I help you out of the tub?” “No.” “That’s right! And if you start screaming, what is going to happen?” “You will leave” “yep! I can’t let you hurt my ears! I will only come back when there has been quiet for 30 seconds, just like we practiced”., You let them know its an accident, define the word accident,  you apologize and we don't use words like kill, abuse, etc for accidents. 

But yeah, the screaming. It can do your head in. I must go through 2 bottles of OTC pain meds every three weeks or so. Oy., The whole situation sounds awful. I really sympathise with you. I have two (out of 4 children) who are similar. The older one is diagnosed and will get wound up and any slight touch will be deemed as abuse. The younger one is the same, but is more easily triggered. Even trying to guide him gently in a direction (for example if he is upset and wants something and I put my hand on his back to guide him to the item he wants... ''WHY ARE YOU PUSHING ME?!?!?!""). I've found there is no point in arguing. I say 'sorry, I didn't mean to' and remove my hands from anywhere near them. I try to stay as calm as possible. In that moment, I think that they are in such a high state of anxiety/emotion/feeling that they are both hyper sensitive to touch and are also bursting with all this emotion (anger/rage) that they are desperate for an outlet.

Our therapist recommended using minimal words when they are in this state, because your words become another thing to think about and process when they are already overwhelmed.

Ideally, we would recognise the triggers and redirect before the screaming starts (to an alternative activity/sensory box/exercise) but that is often difficult.

Our therapist suggested that we spend time practicing ways to calm down (deep breathing for example) when our children are relaxed and calm, as often as we can (3-5 times a week at least if possible). The idea is that we are teaching them the skills to calm down so when they do get angry they can use the skills. 

She also recommended creating a sensory box (things like fidget toys, maybe a little bit of chocolate, playdough, pens/paper, physical pictures of happy things/places that our child/children can get in the habit of seeking out when they feel overwhelmed.

I've found that the more sympathy/empathy I show my kids in the moment, the quicker they calm down. It's like they just want to be heard but are going a horrible way about it., He's not trying to manipulate you. You said his routine is for you to do everything, including getting him out of the tub. He is sticking to the routine as that's what he knows is safe. 

You are telling him the routine for that night is different but he isn't prepared for it. 

It absolutely sucks, I totally agree. I hate the screaming and bath screaming is another level due to the reverb off the walls. 

If it was me, I'd be looking for ways to change the routines in tiny ways over a long period until you were able to get him to be  more independent. Far, far easier said than done. 

I'm in no way doing any better. My 5.5 yr old son has regressed since starting pre-primary, which he hates. He is so overloaded and anxious now that he is looking to us to do everything in order to feel secure. 

He was independently doing most things but now won't do anything without help. I put my foot down today and said that his sister would choose the outing for today if he didn't put his shoes on by himself. He had several meltdowns but eventually did it. However I know that all I've done is created a further barrier to him doing it himself. His routine will become having an argument and meltdown and then putting on his shoes. It will take longer and be far more distressing for everyone. And if history is anything to go by, it will have unwanted side effects, like him not wanting to go out anymore. Putting my foot down on anything has never ended with him consistently doing that thing independently. Praise, fun and goals have over long periods of time helped him want to be independent. 

I wish you well and hope you are able to work it out with him., Hi! First, you're doing a great job, momma! I'm wondering if he has any motor planning issues? He might not know how to begin the process of getting hus body out of the tub. I thought my son was just ""being difficult"" about washing his hands well.  One day, I tried telling him to scrub the soap for a count of 5 and then rinse foe a count of 5. Right away, he did it.  He just didn't know how to motor plan a direction that wasn't very concrete (wash your hands right, longer, etc.). Also, I find that when expectations change, that may require a little help with planning out what that looks like and feels like in their bodies, especially if there are interception (recognizing signals from their body) and sensory challenges.  He might not realize he's cold until he's very cold. And then he has to regulate around that feeling and try to motor plan something that he's never done before or hasn't done often.  That's really tricky. Perhaps you can try talking about the expectations around and the steps involved with getting out of the tub / practicing it when he's dry and not bathing and in a good state of regulation.  As for the standing on tablet while watching TV, my guess is he had no idea.  My son gets so focused on the TV, his body awareness completely fades away. As for the scratching, I've found that in the moment logic will not work.  Logic doesn't change emotions. When he's calm, he might be more receptive to a good discussion about accidents and how the words we use to describe them matter.  I think we all have to remind ourselves sometimes that our kids don't wake up with the goal of manipulating us.  Even if it feels like it!  You obviously love your son very much and are a wonderful mom. Hang in there!, Have you ever looked into PDA Autism?, Regarding the screams, in order not to become crazy with the high pitch sounds my son can produce, I always have headphones handy. They are not fully noise cancelling so I can remain attentive to my surroundings but they make those types of sounds bearable. So if my son throws a fit and I clearly see that there is nothing he really needs, then I put my headphones on.

In this situation you're obviously not gonna let your son get hypothermia. So you are facing one of those complex situations where the only way out is very gradual. My suggestion would be: put up a reward system. Let him know that if he helps himself out of the bathtub, there's going to be a small reward after that. It could be anything you know he likes as you know him better than me. To get my son out of those behavioral energy wells, I tend to offer him to simply lift him up and down again as he finds this very satisfying sensorially speaking. He only gets the reward if he displays the desired behavior. In the case of the bathtub I'd let him a few minutes to decide and then to preserve his health if he didn't decide to behave properly you get him out, without a fuss or being angry at him, just with a neutral face, but no reward. In those few minutes if there are screams, use your headphones to protect your sanity and calmly explain him the deal, repeating the terms.

Of course it's not gonna work immediately but my experience with my son is that it often helps rectifying/decreasing the undesired behavior over the span of a few weeks.

You've all my support., Accidents happen. This was an accident, and that’s the important thing to remember and teach.

The other important thing to do now, is to explain that this accident would not have happened if he would have just gotten himself out of the tub. That he also needs to use his indoor voice, because it causes you pain, and it stresses you out. That, when you are in pain and stressed, then that means accidents can happen more frequently. (Because they can. That’s just a fact. It’s not a threat, you just need to make him see you are in need of his cooperation and help). 

I’d also look for personal stories about him getting out of the bath and being a big, strong, helpful, responsible little dude. Maybe look into stories about manipulation and why that’s not a good thing to do (the boy who cried wolf comes to mind, but there may be others). 

I’d also sit him down and explain how bath time is going to go from now on: son, from now on, you’re going to get into the bath and, when the bath is over, you’re going to get out on your own. Mom is not going to help you getting out, you’re a big boy. Those are the rules, otherwise, you can take a shower instead. Okay? 

Then draw that line and do not compromise unless he’s sick and/or unable. Otherwise, you need to just agree to take him out and not give him this middle ground where he has room to manipulate you. This can help prevent undesired behaviours like screaming, and it only takes a two minutes versus the 10-30 minutes of arguing and meltdowns that can happen (I, too, have a child who is like this with baths - and it’s because she has intense anxiety around things she thinks are dangerous)., Have you tried the ol reverse psychology of you are getting so grown up now - so big and strong mommy can hardly lift you unless you help me?  Cue some fake tugs like he's soooo heavy.  My little guy takes some talking up to things but transitioning goes much smoother if the groundwork has been laid so to speak.  I talk up how grown up he is now and list some of the perks (bigger kids can have 2 cookies instead of just 1 etc) then slide in some of the 'responsibilities' and offer to help him for awhile before i make him do it on his own., Loop earplugs are a lifesaver!, He’s already learned to manipulate. OP is basically a hostage now, Your comment prompted me to look into PDA. My son definitely has it and it does explain why he is often so different to other ASD kids around us. 

He is much more of an anxious kid and definitely gets rigid thinking. Can't stand having anyone tell him to do anything and hates being at school as they tell him what to do., I don’t think you did anything wrong, it was an accident.  And honestly I don’t think there’s anything wrong with holding your ground and saying no to things.  My kid is literally sitting in an empty tub right now yelling at me to come lift him out despite being perfectly capable.  He won’t stay there forever and tomorrow isn’t a school day.  I’m in no rush., I have 2 that scream so loud and trigger me. I just got loop earplugs and they help a ton, Omg I grabbed my son real fast after he lost his footing and kept him from falling down the stairs. Turns to his mom and says DADDY PUSHED ME DOWN THE STAIRS, You really need to stand your ground here. Otherwise he will learn that he can manipulate you easily. I highly recommend you to record and save any proof you have in case that you need it in the future., Sounds like a super rough night! Have you tried starting with meeting in the middle in this particular situation. Like “I can help you out of the tub and then you dry off by yourself” and if he’s upset with that try “ok, you can get out and then I’ll help you dry off” 

Just an idea if you haven’t tried. Obviously he should be doing it for himself, but maybe it would help gradually increase his self care while gradually decreasing your help so the transition is more peaceful?, I feel for you! We practiced  ""inconvenient solutions"" for my son. Noise canceling headphones are A MUST for you for this to work and even then it's not fool proof. 

If my kiddo didn't want to do something for himself we would ""help""...sort of. Freezing? Won't get out of a cold bath? Ok. Drain the bath and then walk away. Verbalize his options about drying off ( sit and air dry or get out) if you want. 

I didn't ever do things that would lead to his harm or were actively malicious but this was a good way to make him practice problem solving. Also reminding all my kids I cannot be their eyes or ears or arms consistently drives home autonomy. I hope., I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I believe this behavior is just a phase, but it never hurts to record it in case CPS comes knocking so you can show that he has a history of exaggerating the facts, This really sounds like pathological demand avoidance which occurs in some autistic people. I hope the therapist you are seeing is well-versed in it and can help you. I am part of some online PDA groups and am just learning about it as my youngest has a sprinkle of this but doesn't really meet the criteria but the way you described your son completely sounds like the autistic kids described in the group. Maybe an online community with this type of autism can be of some help. If anything, I know it is very helpful to have someone that understands.

I'm sorry that I don't have any real suggestions that are helpful. Just sending you love and patience. Also, I have some noise cancelling headphones that I sometimes use (the type for construction workers or shooting range) and it helps immensely., I really hurt my oldest once with my nail.  I just had a hold of his hand when he slipped/tripped and my nail was jagged and caught on the back of his hand.  It was bad enough that he still has a scar from it, and this was 15 years ago.  He wasn’t mad at me, as he knew it was an accident, but I beat myself up for it for months.   Some days, shit happens.  I’m sure he’ll realize eventually that it wasn’t on purpose.  

You really need to either refuse to get him out, even if he screams, and stick to it, or just get him out to start.  Right now you’re just teaching him that you will do it for him if he keeps it up long enough…which isn’t a great precedent to set., When we have these allegations of abuse (normally from my neurotypical daughter) we just rephrase calmly and refuse to engage more. “Ah, I’m sorry I accidentally scratched you. Can I get you a bandage?” “I’m maimed, I’m dying… it’s your fault.”  “It was an accident. Accident happens. I’m sorry you were hurt.” “I’m still dying”. “I’m sorry to hear that, but we already had this conversation. Accidents happen.”  

Also…It is not safe for you to lift him out of the tub. Especially if he is struggling. I’m worried about you getting hurt. This is a great tool you can use, “remember how you got hurt last time? You need to pop yourself out of the tub, you are a big boy!”. I would go so far as to drain the tub, turn off the water to bathroom and go enjoy a movie with your headphones on. It’s not about being mean. It’s about protecting yourself and giving yourself a break. He is safe…. He can’t drown or be burned without the water. You can support him verbally “well… you are screaming at me now, so I’m afraid I have to leave the room, I won’t let you hurt my ears like that. I’m going to go make some popcorn and watch a movie. I would love for you to join me, you hop out of the tub and towel off and I’ll be sitting in the living room waiting with popcorn to help you into your PJs”. and before the next bath, you can come up with a plan with him (if he can reason that well) to prevent it from happening again. Also… reduce the number of baths!!!! My kids only shower after going to the pool. You don’t need this aggravation every night. You sound burned out. Cut as many things out as possible. 

It’s tough! Good luck. Also, if you plan to change your expectations around bathing explain it before hand and have him agree and if he won’t, don’t do the bath. “Ok Tim, it’s bath time. Remember, you need to get yourself out of the tub and then I will help you dry off. Will I help you out of the tub?” “No.” “That’s right! And if you start screaming, what is going to happen?” “You will leave” “yep! I can’t let you hurt my ears! I will only come back when there has been quiet for 30 seconds, just like we practiced”., You let them know its an accident, define the word accident,  you apologize and we don't use words like kill, abuse, etc for accidents. 

But yeah, the screaming. It can do your head in. I must go through 2 bottles of OTC pain meds every three weeks or so. Oy., The whole situation sounds awful. I really sympathise with you. I have two (out of 4 children) who are similar. The older one is diagnosed and will get wound up and any slight touch will be deemed as abuse. The younger one is the same, but is more easily triggered. Even trying to guide him gently in a direction (for example if he is upset and wants something and I put my hand on his back to guide him to the item he wants... ''WHY ARE YOU PUSHING ME?!?!?!""). I've found there is no point in arguing. I say 'sorry, I didn't mean to' and remove my hands from anywhere near them. I try to stay as calm as possible. In that moment, I think that they are in such a high state of anxiety/emotion/feeling that they are both hyper sensitive to touch and are also bursting with all this emotion (anger/rage) that they are desperate for an outlet.

Our therapist recommended using minimal words when they are in this state, because your words become another thing to think about and process when they are already overwhelmed.

Ideally, we would recognise the triggers and redirect before the screaming starts (to an alternative activity/sensory box/exercise) but that is often difficult.

Our therapist suggested that we spend time practicing ways to calm down (deep breathing for example) when our children are relaxed and calm, as often as we can (3-5 times a week at least if possible). The idea is that we are teaching them the skills to calm down so when they do get angry they can use the skills. 

She also recommended creating a sensory box (things like fidget toys, maybe a little bit of chocolate, playdough, pens/paper, physical pictures of happy things/places that our child/children can get in the habit of seeking out when they feel overwhelmed.

I've found that the more sympathy/empathy I show my kids in the moment, the quicker they calm down. It's like they just want to be heard but are going a horrible way about it., He's not trying to manipulate you. You said his routine is for you to do everything, including getting him out of the tub. He is sticking to the routine as that's what he knows is safe. 

You are telling him the routine for that night is different but he isn't prepared for it. 

It absolutely sucks, I totally agree. I hate the screaming and bath screaming is another level due to the reverb off the walls. 

If it was me, I'd be looking for ways to change the routines in tiny ways over a long period until you were able to get him to be  more independent. Far, far easier said than done. 

I'm in no way doing any better. My 5.5 yr old son has regressed since starting pre-primary, which he hates. He is so overloaded and anxious now that he is looking to us to do everything in order to feel secure. 

He was independently doing most things but now won't do anything without help. I put my foot down today and said that his sister would choose the outing for today if he didn't put his shoes on by himself. He had several meltdowns but eventually did it. However I know that all I've done is created a further barrier to him doing it himself. His routine will become having an argument and meltdown and then putting on his shoes. It will take longer and be far more distressing for everyone. And if history is anything to go by, it will have unwanted side effects, like him not wanting to go out anymore. Putting my foot down on anything has never ended with him consistently doing that thing independently. Praise, fun and goals have over long periods of time helped him want to be independent. 

I wish you well and hope you are able to work it out with him., Hi! First, you're doing a great job, momma! I'm wondering if he has any motor planning issues? He might not know how to begin the process of getting hus body out of the tub. I thought my son was just ""being difficult"" about washing his hands well.  One day, I tried telling him to scrub the soap for a count of 5 and then rinse foe a count of 5. Right away, he did it.  He just didn't know how to motor plan a direction that wasn't very concrete (wash your hands right, longer, etc.). Also, I find that when expectations change, that may require a little help with planning out what that looks like and feels like in their bodies, especially if there are interception (recognizing signals from their body) and sensory challenges.  He might not realize he's cold until he's very cold. And then he has to regulate around that feeling and try to motor plan something that he's never done before or hasn't done often.  That's really tricky. Perhaps you can try talking about the expectations around and the steps involved with getting out of the tub / practicing it when he's dry and not bathing and in a good state of regulation.  As for the standing on tablet while watching TV, my guess is he had no idea.  My son gets so focused on the TV, his body awareness completely fades away. As for the scratching, I've found that in the moment logic will not work.  Logic doesn't change emotions. When he's calm, he might be more receptive to a good discussion about accidents and how the words we use to describe them matter.  I think we all have to remind ourselves sometimes that our kids don't wake up with the goal of manipulating us.  Even if it feels like it!  You obviously love your son very much and are a wonderful mom. Hang in there!, Have you ever looked into PDA Autism?, Regarding the screams, in order not to become crazy with the high pitch sounds my son can produce, I always have headphones handy. They are not fully noise cancelling so I can remain attentive to my surroundings but they make those types of sounds bearable. So if my son throws a fit and I clearly see that there is nothing he really needs, then I put my headphones on.

In this situation you're obviously not gonna let your son get hypothermia. So you are facing one of those complex situations where the only way out is very gradual. My suggestion would be: put up a reward system. Let him know that if he helps himself out of the bathtub, there's going to be a small reward after that. It could be anything you know he likes as you know him better than me. To get my son out of those behavioral energy wells, I tend to offer him to simply lift him up and down again as he finds this very satisfying sensorially speaking. He only gets the reward if he displays the desired behavior. In the case of the bathtub I'd let him a few minutes to decide and then to preserve his health if he didn't decide to behave properly you get him out, without a fuss or being angry at him, just with a neutral face, but no reward. In those few minutes if there are screams, use your headphones to protect your sanity and calmly explain him the deal, repeating the terms.

Of course it's not gonna work immediately but my experience with my son is that it often helps rectifying/decreasing the undesired behavior over the span of a few weeks.

You've all my support., Accidents happen. This was an accident, and that’s the important thing to remember and teach.

The other important thing to do now, is to explain that this accident would not have happened if he would have just gotten himself out of the tub. That he also needs to use his indoor voice, because it causes you pain, and it stresses you out. That, when you are in pain and stressed, then that means accidents can happen more frequently. (Because they can. That’s just a fact. It’s not a threat, you just need to make him see you are in need of his cooperation and help). 

I’d also look for personal stories about him getting out of the bath and being a big, strong, helpful, responsible little dude. Maybe look into stories about manipulation and why that’s not a good thing to do (the boy who cried wolf comes to mind, but there may be others). 

I’d also sit him down and explain how bath time is going to go from now on: son, from now on, you’re going to get into the bath and, when the bath is over, you’re going to get out on your own. Mom is not going to help you getting out, you’re a big boy. Those are the rules, otherwise, you can take a shower instead. Okay? 

Then draw that line and do not compromise unless he’s sick and/or unable. Otherwise, you need to just agree to take him out and not give him this middle ground where he has room to manipulate you. This can help prevent undesired behaviours like screaming, and it only takes a two minutes versus the 10-30 minutes of arguing and meltdowns that can happen (I, too, have a child who is like this with baths - and it’s because she has intense anxiety around things she thinks are dangerous)., Have you tried the ol reverse psychology of you are getting so grown up now - so big and strong mommy can hardly lift you unless you help me?  Cue some fake tugs like he's soooo heavy.  My little guy takes some talking up to things but transitioning goes much smoother if the groundwork has been laid so to speak.  I talk up how grown up he is now and list some of the perks (bigger kids can have 2 cookies instead of just 1 etc) then slide in some of the 'responsibilities' and offer to help him for awhile before i make him do it on his own., Loop earplugs are a lifesaver!, He’s already learned to manipulate. OP is basically a hostage now, Your comment prompted me to look into PDA. My son definitely has it and it does explain why he is often so different to other ASD kids around us. 

He is much more of an anxious kid and definitely gets rigid thinking. Can't stand having anyone tell him to do anything and hates being at school as they tell him what to do., I don’t think you did anything wrong, it was an accident.  And honestly I don’t think there’s anything wrong with holding your ground and saying no to things.  My kid is literally sitting in an empty tub right now yelling at me to come lift him out despite being perfectly capable.  He won’t stay there forever and tomorrow isn’t a school day.  I’m in no rush., I have 2 that scream so loud and trigger me. I just got loop earplugs and they help a ton, Omg I grabbed my son real fast after he lost his footing and kept him from falling down the stairs. Turns to his mom and says DADDY PUSHED ME DOWN THE STAIRS, You really need to stand your ground here. Otherwise he will learn that he can manipulate you easily. I highly recommend you to record and save any proof you have in case that you need it in the future., Sounds like a super rough night! Have you tried starting with meeting in the middle in this particular situation. Like “I can help you out of the tub and then you dry off by yourself” and if he’s upset with that try “ok, you can get out and then I’ll help you dry off” 

Just an idea if you haven’t tried. Obviously he should be doing it for himself, but maybe it would help gradually increase his self care while gradually decreasing your help so the transition is more peaceful?, I feel for you! We practiced  ""inconvenient solutions"" for my son. Noise canceling headphones are A MUST for you for this to work and even then it's not fool proof. 

If my kiddo didn't want to do something for himself we would ""help""...sort of. Freezing? Won't get out of a cold bath? Ok. Drain the bath and then walk away. Verbalize his options about drying off ( sit and air dry or get out) if you want. 

I didn't ever do things that would lead to his harm or were actively malicious but this was a good way to make him practice problem solving. Also reminding all my kids I cannot be their eyes or ears or arms consistently drives home autonomy. I hope., I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I believe this behavior is just a phase, but it never hurts to record it in case CPS comes knocking so you can show that he has a history of exaggerating the facts, This really sounds like pathological demand avoidance which occurs in some autistic people. I hope the therapist you are seeing is well-versed in it and can help you. I am part of some online PDA groups and am just learning about it as my youngest has a sprinkle of this but doesn't really meet the criteria but the way you described your son completely sounds like the autistic kids described in the group. Maybe an online community with this type of autism can be of some help. If anything, I know it is very helpful to have someone that understands.

I'm sorry that I don't have any real suggestions that are helpful. Just sending you love and patience. Also, I have some noise cancelling headphones that I sometimes use (the type for construction workers or shooting range) and it helps immensely., I really hurt my oldest once with my nail.  I just had a hold of his hand when he slipped/tripped and my nail was jagged and caught on the back of his hand.  It was bad enough that he still has a scar from it, and this was 15 years ago.  He wasn’t mad at me, as he knew it was an accident, but I beat myself up for it for months.   Some days, shit happens.  I’m sure he’ll realize eventually that it wasn’t on purpose.  

You really need to either refuse to get him out, even if he screams, and stick to it, or just get him out to start.  Right now you’re just teaching him that you will do it for him if he keeps it up long enough…which isn’t a great precedent to set., When we have these allegations of abuse (normally from my neurotypical daughter) we just rephrase calmly and refuse to engage more. “Ah, I’m sorry I accidentally scratched you. Can I get you a bandage?” “I’m maimed, I’m dying… it’s your fault.”  “It was an accident. Accident happens. I’m sorry you were hurt.” “I’m still dying”. “I’m sorry to hear that, but we already had this conversation. Accidents happen.”  

Also…It is not safe for you to lift him out of the tub. Especially if he is struggling. I’m worried about you getting hurt. This is a great tool you can use, “remember how you got hurt last time? You need to pop yourself out of the tub, you are a big boy!”. I would go so far as to drain the tub, turn off the water to bathroom and go enjoy a movie with your headphones on. It’s not about being mean. It’s about protecting yourself and giving yourself a break. He is safe…. He can’t drown or be burned without the water. You can support him verbally “well… you are screaming at me now, so I’m afraid I have to leave the room, I won’t let you hurt my ears like that. I’m going to go make some popcorn and watch a movie. I would love for you to join me, you hop out of the tub and towel off and I’ll be sitting in the living room waiting with popcorn to help you into your PJs”. and before the next bath, you can come up with a plan with him (if he can reason that well) to prevent it from happening again. Also… reduce the number of baths!!!! My kids only shower after going to the pool. You don’t need this aggravation every night. You sound burned out. Cut as many things out as possible. 

It’s tough! Good luck. Also, if you plan to change your expectations around bathing explain it before hand and have him agree and if he won’t, don’t do the bath. “Ok Tim, it’s bath time. Remember, you need to get yourself out of the tub and then I will help you dry off. Will I help you out of the tub?” “No.” “That’s right! And if you start screaming, what is going to happen?” “You will leave” “yep! I can’t let you hurt my ears! I will only come back when there has been quiet for 30 seconds, just like we practiced”., You let them know its an accident, define the word accident,  you apologize and we don't use words like kill, abuse, etc for accidents. 

But yeah, the screaming. It can do your head in. I must go through 2 bottles of OTC pain meds every three weeks or so. Oy., The whole situation sounds awful. I really sympathise with you. I have two (out of 4 children) who are similar. The older one is diagnosed and will get wound up and any slight touch will be deemed as abuse. The younger one is the same, but is more easily triggered. Even trying to guide him gently in a direction (for example if he is upset and wants something and I put my hand on his back to guide him to the item he wants... ''WHY ARE YOU PUSHING ME?!?!?!""). I've found there is no point in arguing. I say 'sorry, I didn't mean to' and remove my hands from anywhere near them. I try to stay as calm as possible. In that moment, I think that they are in such a high state of anxiety/emotion/feeling that they are both hyper sensitive to touch and are also bursting with all this emotion (anger/rage) that they are desperate for an outlet.

Our therapist recommended using minimal words when they are in this state, because your words become another thing to think about and process when they are already overwhelmed.

Ideally, we would recognise the triggers and redirect before the screaming starts (to an alternative activity/sensory box/exercise) but that is often difficult.

Our therapist suggested that we spend time practicing ways to calm down (deep breathing for example) when our children are relaxed and calm, as often as we can (3-5 times a week at least if possible). The idea is that we are teaching them the skills to calm down so when they do get angry they can use the skills. 

She also recommended creating a sensory box (things like fidget toys, maybe a little bit of chocolate, playdough, pens/paper, physical pictures of happy things/places that our child/children can get in the habit of seeking out when they feel overwhelmed.

I've found that the more sympathy/empathy I show my kids in the moment, the quicker they calm down. It's like they just want to be heard but are going a horrible way about it., He's not trying to manipulate you. You said his routine is for you to do everything, including getting him out of the tub. He is sticking to the routine as that's what he knows is safe. 

You are telling him the routine for that night is different but he isn't prepared for it. 

It absolutely sucks, I totally agree. I hate the screaming and bath screaming is another level due to the reverb off the walls. 

If it was me, I'd be looking for ways to change the routines in tiny ways over a long period until you were able to get him to be  more independent. Far, far easier said than done. 

I'm in no way doing any better. My 5.5 yr old son has regressed since starting pre-primary, which he hates. He is so overloaded and anxious now that he is looking to us to do everything in order to feel secure. 

He was independently doing most things but now won't do anything without help. I put my foot down today and said that his sister would choose the outing for today if he didn't put his shoes on by himself. He had several meltdowns but eventually did it. However I know that all I've done is created a further barrier to him doing it himself. His routine will become having an argument and meltdown and then putting on his shoes. It will take longer and be far more distressing for everyone. And if history is anything to go by, it will have unwanted side effects, like him not wanting to go out anymore. Putting my foot down on anything has never ended with him consistently doing that thing independently. Praise, fun and goals have over long periods of time helped him want to be independent. 

I wish you well and hope you are able to work it out with him., Hi! First, you're doing a great job, momma! I'm wondering if he has any motor planning issues? He might not know how to begin the process of getting hus body out of the tub. I thought my son was just ""being difficult"" about washing his hands well.  One day, I tried telling him to scrub the soap for a count of 5 and then rinse foe a count of 5. Right away, he did it.  He just didn't know how to motor plan a direction that wasn't very concrete (wash your hands right, longer, etc.). Also, I find that when expectations change, that may require a little help with planning out what that looks like and feels like in their bodies, especially if there are interception (recognizing signals from their body) and sensory challenges.  He might not realize he's cold until he's very cold. And then he has to regulate around that feeling and try to motor plan something that he's never done before or hasn't done often.  That's really tricky. Perhaps you can try talking about the expectations around and the steps involved with getting out of the tub / practicing it when he's dry and not bathing and in a good state of regulation.  As for the standing on tablet while watching TV, my guess is he had no idea.  My son gets so focused on the TV, his body awareness completely fades away. As for the scratching, I've found that in the moment logic will not work.  Logic doesn't change emotions. When he's calm, he might be more receptive to a good discussion about accidents and how the words we use to describe them matter.  I think we all have to remind ourselves sometimes that our kids don't wake up with the goal of manipulating us.  Even if it feels like it!  You obviously love your son very much and are a wonderful mom. Hang in there!, Have you ever looked into PDA Autism?, Regarding the screams, in order not to become crazy with the high pitch sounds my son can produce, I always have headphones handy. They are not fully noise cancelling so I can remain attentive to my surroundings but they make those types of sounds bearable. So if my son throws a fit and I clearly see that there is nothing he really needs, then I put my headphones on.

In this situation you're obviously not gonna let your son get hypothermia. So you are facing one of those complex situations where the only way out is very gradual. My suggestion would be: put up a reward system. Let him know that if he helps himself out of the bathtub, there's going to be a small reward after that. It could be anything you know he likes as you know him better than me. To get my son out of those behavioral energy wells, I tend to offer him to simply lift him up and down again as he finds this very satisfying sensorially speaking. He only gets the reward if he displays the desired behavior. In the case of the bathtub I'd let him a few minutes to decide and then to preserve his health if he didn't decide to behave properly you get him out, without a fuss or being angry at him, just with a neutral face, but no reward. In those few minutes if there are screams, use your headphones to protect your sanity and calmly explain him the deal, repeating the terms.

Of course it's not gonna work immediately but my experience with my son is that it often helps rectifying/decreasing the undesired behavior over the span of a few weeks.

You've all my support., Accidents happen. This was an accident, and that’s the important thing to remember and teach.

The other important thing to do now, is to explain that this accident would not have happened if he would have just gotten himself out of the tub. That he also needs to use his indoor voice, because it causes you pain, and it stresses you out. That, when you are in pain and stressed, then that means accidents can happen more frequently. (Because they can. That’s just a fact. It’s not a threat, you just need to make him see you are in need of his cooperation and help). 

I’d also look for personal stories about him getting out of the bath and being a big, strong, helpful, responsible little dude. Maybe look into stories about manipulation and why that’s not a good thing to do (the boy who cried wolf comes to mind, but there may be others). 

I’d also sit him down and explain how bath time is going to go from now on: son, from now on, you’re going to get into the bath and, when the bath is over, you’re going to get out on your own. Mom is not going to help you getting out, you’re a big boy. Those are the rules, otherwise, you can take a shower instead. Okay? 

Then draw that line and do not compromise unless he’s sick and/or unable. Otherwise, you need to just agree to take him out and not give him this middle ground where he has room to manipulate you. This can help prevent undesired behaviours like screaming, and it only takes a two minutes versus the 10-30 minutes of arguing and meltdowns that can happen (I, too, have a child who is like this with baths - and it’s because she has intense anxiety around things she thinks are dangerous)., Loop earplugs are a lifesaver!, He’s already learned to manipulate. OP is basically a hostage now, Your comment prompted me to look into PDA. My son definitely has it and it does explain why he is often so different to other ASD kids around us. 

He is much more of an anxious kid and definitely gets rigid thinking. Can't stand having anyone tell him to do anything and hates being at school as they tell him what to do., I don’t think you did anything wrong, it was an accident.  And honestly I don’t think there’s anything wrong with holding your ground and saying no to things.  My kid is literally sitting in an empty tub right now yelling at me to come lift him out despite being perfectly capable.  He won’t stay there forever and tomorrow isn’t a school day.  I’m in no rush., I have 2 that scream so loud and trigger me. I just got loop earplugs and they help a ton, Omg I grabbed my son real fast after he lost his footing and kept him from falling down the stairs. Turns to his mom and says DADDY PUSHED ME DOWN THE STAIRS, You really need to stand your ground here. Otherwise he will learn that he can manipulate you easily. I highly recommend you to record and save any proof you have in case that you need it in the future., Sounds like a super rough night! Have you tried starting with meeting in the middle in this particular situation. Like “I can help you out of the tub and then you dry off by yourself” and if he’s upset with that try “ok, you can get out and then I’ll help you dry off” 

Just an idea if you haven’t tried. Obviously he should be doing it for himself, but maybe it would help gradually increase his self care while gradually decreasing your help so the transition is more peaceful?, I feel for you! We practiced  ""inconvenient solutions"" for my son. Noise canceling headphones are A MUST for you for this to work and even then it's not fool proof. 

If my kiddo didn't want to do something for himself we would ""help""...sort of. Freezing? Won't get out of a cold bath? Ok. Drain the bath and then walk away. Verbalize his options about drying off ( sit and air dry or get out) if you want. 

I didn't ever do things that would lead to his harm or were actively malicious but this was a good way to make him practice problem solving. Also reminding all my kids I cannot be their eyes or ears or arms consistently drives home autonomy. I hope., I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I believe this behavior is just a phase, but it never hurts to record it in case CPS comes knocking so you can show that he has a history of exaggerating the facts, This really sounds like pathological demand avoidance which occurs in some autistic people. I hope the therapist you are seeing is well-versed in it and can help you. I am part of some online PDA groups and am just learning about it as my youngest has a sprinkle of this but doesn't really meet the criteria but the way you described your son completely sounds like the autistic kids described in the group. Maybe an online community with this type of autism can be of some help. If anything, I know it is very helpful to have someone that understands.

I'm sorry that I don't have any real suggestions that are helpful. Just sending you love and patience. Also, I have some noise cancelling headphones that I sometimes use (the type for construction workers or shooting range) and it helps immensely., I really hurt my oldest once with my nail.  I just had a hold of his hand when he slipped/tripped and my nail was jagged and caught on the back of his hand.  It was bad enough that he still has a scar from it, and this was 15 years ago.  He wasn’t mad at me, as he knew it was an accident, but I beat myself up for it for months.   Some days, shit happens.  I’m sure he’ll realize eventually that it wasn’t on purpose.  

You really need to either refuse to get him out, even if he screams, and stick to it, or just get him out to start.  Right now you’re just teaching him that you will do it for him if he keeps it up long enough…which isn’t a great precedent to set., When we have these allegations of abuse (normally from my neurotypical daughter) we just rephrase calmly and refuse to engage more. “Ah, I’m sorry I accidentally scratched you. Can I get you a bandage?” “I’m maimed, I’m dying… it’s your fault.”  “It was an accident. Accident happens. I’m sorry you were hurt.” “I’m still dying”. “I’m sorry to hear that, but we already had this conversation. Accidents happen.”  

Also…It is not safe for you to lift him out of the tub. Especially if he is struggling. I’m worried about you getting hurt. This is a great tool you can use, “remember how you got hurt last time? You need to pop yourself out of the tub, you are a big boy!”. I would go so far as to drain the tub, turn off the water to bathroom and go enjoy a movie with your headphones on. It’s not about being mean. It’s about protecting yourself and giving yourself a break. He is safe…. He can’t drown or be burned without the water. You can support him verbally “well… you are screaming at me now, so I’m afraid I have to leave the room, I won’t let you hurt my ears like that. I’m going to go make some popcorn and watch a movie. I would love for you to join me, you hop out of the tub and towel off and I’ll be sitting in the living room waiting with popcorn to help you into your PJs”. and before the next bath, you can come up with a plan with him (if he can reason that well) to prevent it from happening again. Also… reduce the number of baths!!!! My kids only shower after going to the pool. You don’t need this aggravation every night. You sound burned out. Cut as many things out as possible. 

It’s tough! Good luck. Also, if you plan to change your expectations around bathing explain it before hand and have him agree and if he won’t, don’t do the bath. “Ok Tim, it’s bath time. Remember, you need to get yourself out of the tub and then I will help you dry off. Will I help you out of the tub?” “No.” “That’s right! And if you start screaming, what is going to happen?” “You will leave” “yep! I can’t let you hurt my ears! I will only come back when there has been quiet for 30 seconds, just like we practiced”., You let them know its an accident, define the word accident,  you apologize and we don't use words like kill, abuse, etc for accidents. 

But yeah, the screaming. It can do your head in. I must go through 2 bottles of OTC pain meds every three weeks or so. Oy., The whole situation sounds awful. I really sympathise with you. I have two (out of 4 children) who are similar. The older one is diagnosed and will get wound up and any slight touch will be deemed as abuse. The younger one is the same, but is more easily triggered. Even trying to guide him gently in a direction (for example if he is upset and wants something and I put my hand on his back to guide him to the item he wants... ''WHY ARE YOU PUSHING ME?!?!?!""). I've found there is no point in arguing. I say 'sorry, I didn't mean to' and remove my hands from anywhere near them. I try to stay as calm as possible. In that moment, I think that they are in such a high state of anxiety/emotion/feeling that they are both hyper sensitive to touch and are also bursting with all this emotion (anger/rage) that they are desperate for an outlet.

Our therapist recommended using minimal words when they are in this state, because your words become another thing to think about and process when they are already overwhelmed.

Ideally, we would recognise the triggers and redirect before the screaming starts (to an alternative activity/sensory box/exercise) but that is often difficult.

Our therapist suggested that we spend time practicing ways to calm down (deep breathing for example) when our children are relaxed and calm, as often as we can (3-5 times a week at least if possible). The idea is that we are teaching them the skills to calm down so when they do get angry they can use the skills. 

She also recommended creating a sensory box (things like fidget toys, maybe a little bit of chocolate, playdough, pens/paper, physical pictures of happy things/places that our child/children can get in the habit of seeking out when they feel overwhelmed.

I've found that the more sympathy/empathy I show my kids in the moment, the quicker they calm down. It's like they just want to be heard but are going a horrible way about it., He's not trying to manipulate you. You said his routine is for you to do everything, including getting him out of the tub. He is sticking to the routine as that's what he knows is safe. 

You are telling him the routine for that night is different but he isn't prepared for it. 

It absolutely sucks, I totally agree. I hate the screaming and bath screaming is another level due to the reverb off the walls. 

If it was me, I'd be looking for ways to change the routines in tiny ways over a long period until you were able to get him to be  more independent. Far, far easier said than done. 

I'm in no way doing any better. My 5.5 yr old son has regressed since starting pre-primary, which he hates. He is so overloaded and anxious now that he is looking to us to do everything in order to feel secure. 

He was independently doing most things but now won't do anything without help. I put my foot down today and said that his sister would choose the outing for today if he didn't put his shoes on by himself. He had several meltdowns but eventually did it. However I know that all I've done is created a further barrier to him doing it himself. His routine will become having an argument and meltdown and then putting on his shoes. It will take longer and be far more distressing for everyone. And if history is anything to go by, it will have unwanted side effects, like him not wanting to go out anymore. Putting my foot down on anything has never ended with him consistently doing that thing independently. Praise, fun and goals have over long periods of time helped him want to be independent. 

I wish you well and hope you are able to work it out with him., Hi! First, you're doing a great job, momma! I'm wondering if he has any motor planning issues? He might not know how to begin the process of getting hus body out of the tub. I thought my son was just ""being difficult"" about washing his hands well.  One day, I tried telling him to scrub the soap for a count of 5 and then rinse foe a count of 5. Right away, he did it.  He just didn't know how to motor plan a direction that wasn't very concrete (wash your hands right, longer, etc.). Also, I find that when expectations change, that may require a little help with planning out what that looks like and feels like in their bodies, especially if there are interception (recognizing signals from their body) and sensory challenges.  He might not realize he's cold until he's very cold. And then he has to regulate around that feeling and try to motor plan something that he's never done before or hasn't done often.  That's really tricky. Perhaps you can try talking about the expectations around and the steps involved with getting out of the tub / practicing it when he's dry and not bathing and in a good state of regulation.  As for the standing on tablet while watching TV, my guess is he had no idea.  My son gets so focused on the TV, his body awareness completely fades away. As for the scratching, I've found that in the moment logic will not work.  Logic doesn't change emotions. When he's calm, he might be more receptive to a good discussion about accidents and how the words we use to describe them matter.  I think we all have to remind ourselves sometimes that our kids don't wake up with the goal of manipulating us.  Even if it feels like it!  You obviously love your son very much and are a wonderful mom. Hang in there!, Have you ever looked into PDA Autism?, Regarding the screams, in order not to become crazy with the high pitch sounds my son can produce, I always have headphones handy. They are not fully noise cancelling so I can remain attentive to my surroundings but they make those types of sounds bearable. So if my son throws a fit and I clearly see that there is nothing he really needs, then I put my headphones on.

In this situation you're obviously not gonna let your son get hypothermia. So you are facing one of those complex situations where the only way out is very gradual. My suggestion would be: put up a reward system. Let him know that if he helps himself out of the bathtub, there's going to be a small reward after that. It could be anything you know he likes as you know him better than me. To get my son out of those behavioral energy wells, I tend to offer him to simply lift him up and down again as he finds this very satisfying sensorially speaking. He only gets the reward if he displays the desired behavior. In the case of the bathtub I'd let him a few minutes to decide and then to preserve his health if he didn't decide to behave properly you get him out, without a fuss or being angry at him, just with a neutral face, but no reward. In those few minutes if there are screams, use your headphones to protect your sanity and calmly explain him the deal, repeating the terms.

Of course it's not gonna work immediately but my experience with my son is that it often helps rectifying/decreasing the undesired behavior over the span of a few weeks.

You've all my support., Accidents happen. This was an accident, and that’s the important thing to remember and teach.

The other important thing to do now, is to explain that this accident would not have happened if he would have just gotten himself out of the tub. That he also needs to use his indoor voice, because it causes you pain, and it stresses you out. That, when you are in pain and stressed, then that means accidents can happen more frequently. (Because they can. That’s just a fact. It’s not a threat, you just need to make him see you are in need of his cooperation and help). 

I’d also look for personal stories about him getting out of the bath and being a big, strong, helpful, responsible little dude. Maybe look into stories about manipulation and why that’s not a good thing to do (the boy who cried wolf comes to mind, but there may be others). 

I’d also sit him down and explain how bath time is going to go from now on: son, from now on, you’re going to get into the bath and, when the bath is over, you’re going to get out on your own. Mom is not going to help you getting out, you’re a big boy. Those are the rules, otherwise, you can take a shower instead. Okay? 

Then draw that line and do not compromise unless he’s sick and/or unable. Otherwise, you need to just agree to take him out and not give him this middle ground where he has room to manipulate you. This can help prevent undesired behaviours like screaming, and it only takes a two minutes versus the 10-30 minutes of arguing and meltdowns that can happen (I, too, have a child who is like this with baths - and it’s because she has intense anxiety around things she thinks are dangerous)., Have you tried the ol reverse psychology of you are getting so grown up now - so big and strong mommy can hardly lift you unless you help me?  Cue some fake tugs like he's soooo heavy.  My little guy takes some talking up to things but transitioning goes much smoother if the groundwork has been laid so to speak.  I talk up how grown up he is now and list some of the perks (bigger kids can have 2 cookies instead of just 1 etc) then slide in some of the 'responsibilities' and offer to help him for awhile before i make him do it on his own., Loop earplugs are a lifesaver!, He’s already learned to manipulate. OP is basically a hostage now, Your comment prompted me to look into PDA. My son definitely has it and it does explain why he is often so different to other ASD kids around us. 

He is much more of an anxious kid and definitely gets rigid thinking. Can't stand having anyone tell him to do anything and hates being at school as they tell him what to do., I don’t think you did anything wrong, it was an accident.  And honestly I don’t think there’s anything wrong with holding your ground and saying no to things.  My kid is literally sitting in an empty tub right now yelling at me to come lift him out despite being perfectly capable.  He won’t stay there forever and tomorrow isn’t a school day.  I’m in no rush., I have 2 that scream so loud and trigger me. I just got loop earplugs and they help a ton, Omg I grabbed my son real fast after he lost his footing and kept him from falling down the stairs. Turns to his mom and says DADDY PUSHED ME DOWN THE STAIRS, You really need to stand your ground here. Otherwise he will learn that he can manipulate you easily. I highly recommend you to record and save any proof you have in case that you need it in the future., Sounds like a super rough night! Have you tried starting with meeting in the middle in this particular situation. Like “I can help you out of the tub and then you dry off by yourself” and if he’s upset with that try “ok, you can get out and then I’ll help you dry off” 

Just an idea if you haven’t tried. Obviously he should be doing it for himself, but maybe it would help gradually increase his self care while gradually decreasing your help so the transition is more peaceful?, I feel for you! We practiced  ""inconvenient solutions"" for my son. Noise canceling headphones are A MUST for you for this to work and even then it's not fool proof. 

If my kiddo didn't want to do something for himself we would ""help""...sort of. Freezing? Won't get out of a cold bath? Ok. Drain the bath and then walk away. Verbalize his options about drying off ( sit and air dry or get out) if you want. 

I didn't ever do things that would lead to his harm or were actively malicious but this was a good way to make him practice problem solving. Also reminding all my kids I cannot be their eyes or ears or arms consistently drives home autonomy. I hope., I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I believe this behavior is just a phase, but it never hurts to record it in case CPS comes knocking so you can show that he has a history of exaggerating the facts, This really sounds like pathological demand avoidance which occurs in some autistic people. I hope the therapist you are seeing is well-versed in it and can help you. I am part of some online PDA groups and am just learning about it as my youngest has a sprinkle of this but doesn't really meet the criteria but the way you described your son completely sounds like the autistic kids described in the group. Maybe an online community with this type of autism can be of some help. If anything, I know it is very helpful to have someone that understands.

I'm sorry that I don't have any real suggestions that are helpful. Just sending you love and patience. Also, I have some noise cancelling headphones that I sometimes use (the type for construction workers or shooting range) and it helps immensely., I really hurt my oldest once with my nail.  I just had a hold of his hand when he slipped/tripped and my nail was jagged and caught on the back of his hand.  It was bad enough that he still has a scar from it, and this was 15 years ago.  He wasn’t mad at me, as he knew it was an accident, but I beat myself up for it for months.   Some days, shit happens.  I’m sure he’ll realize eventually that it wasn’t on purpose.  

You really need to either refuse to get him out, even if he screams, and stick to it, or just get him out to start.  Right now you’re just teaching him that you will do it for him if he keeps it up long enough…which isn’t a great precedent to set., When we have these allegations of abuse (normally from my neurotypical daughter) we just rephrase calmly and refuse to engage more. “Ah, I’m sorry I accidentally scratched you. Can I get you a bandage?” “I’m maimed, I’m dying… it’s your fault.”  “It was an accident. Accident happens. I’m sorry you were hurt.” “I’m still dying”. “I’m sorry to hear that, but we already had this conversation. Accidents happen.”  

Also…It is not safe for you to lift him out of the tub. Especially if he is struggling. I’m worried about you getting hurt. This is a great tool you can use, “remember how you got hurt last time? You need to pop yourself out of the tub, you are a big boy!”. I would go so far as to drain the tub, turn off the water to bathroom and go enjoy a movie with your headphones on. It’s not about being mean. It’s about protecting yourself and giving yourself a break. He is safe…. He can’t drown or be burned without the water. You can support him verbally “well… you are screaming at me now, so I’m afraid I have to leave the room, I won’t let you hurt my ears like that. I’m going to go make some popcorn and watch a movie. I would love for you to join me, you hop out of the tub and towel off and I’ll be sitting in the living room waiting with popcorn to help you into your PJs”. and before the next bath, you can come up with a plan with him (if he can reason that well) to prevent it from happening again. Also… reduce the number of baths!!!! My kids only shower after going to the pool. You don’t need this aggravation every night. You sound burned out. Cut as many things out as possible. 

It’s tough! Good luck. Also, if you plan to change your expectations around bathing explain it before hand and have him agree and if he won’t, don’t do the bath. “Ok Tim, it’s bath time. Remember, you need to get yourself out of the tub and then I will help you dry off. Will I help you out of the tub?” “No.” “That’s right! And if you start screaming, what is going to happen?” “You will leave” “yep! I can’t let you hurt my ears! I will only come back when there has been quiet for 30 seconds, just like we practiced”., You let them know its an accident, define the word accident,  you apologize and we don't use words like kill, abuse, etc for accidents. 

But yeah, the screaming. It can do your head in. I must go through 2 bottles of OTC pain meds every three weeks or so. Oy., The whole situation sounds awful. I really sympathise with you. I have two (out of 4 children) who are similar. The older one is diagnosed and will get wound up and any slight touch will be deemed as abuse. The younger one is the same, but is more easily triggered. Even trying to guide him gently in a direction (for example if he is upset and wants something and I put my hand on his back to guide him to the item he wants... ''WHY ARE YOU PUSHING ME?!?!?!""). I've found there is no point in arguing. I say 'sorry, I didn't mean to' and remove my hands from anywhere near them. I try to stay as calm as possible. In that moment, I think that they are in such a high state of anxiety/emotion/feeling that they are both hyper sensitive to touch and are also bursting with all this emotion (anger/rage) that they are desperate for an outlet.

Our therapist recommended using minimal words when they are in this state, because your words become another thing to think about and process when they are already overwhelmed.

Ideally, we would recognise the triggers and redirect before the screaming starts (to an alternative activity/sensory box/exercise) but that is often difficult.

Our therapist suggested that we spend time practicing ways to calm down (deep breathing for example) when our children are relaxed and calm, as often as we can (3-5 times a week at least if possible). The idea is that we are teaching them the skills to calm down so when they do get angry they can use the skills. 

She also recommended creating a sensory box (things like fidget toys, maybe a little bit of chocolate, playdough, pens/paper, physical pictures of happy things/places that our child/children can get in the habit of seeking out when they feel overwhelmed.

I've found that the more sympathy/empathy I show my kids in the moment, the quicker they calm down. It's like they just want to be heard but are going a horrible way about it., He's not trying to manipulate you. You said his routine is for you to do everything, including getting him out of the tub. He is sticking to the routine as that's what he knows is safe. 

You are telling him the routine for that night is different but he isn't prepared for it. 

It absolutely sucks, I totally agree. I hate the screaming and bath screaming is another level due to the reverb off the walls. 

If it was me, I'd be looking for ways to change the routines in tiny ways over a long period until you were able to get him to be  more independent. Far, far easier said than done. 

I'm in no way doing any better. My 5.5 yr old son has regressed since starting pre-primary, which he hates. He is so overloaded and anxious now that he is looking to us to do everything in order to feel secure. 

He was independently doing most things but now won't do anything without help. I put my foot down today and said that his sister would choose the outing for today if he didn't put his shoes on by himself. He had several meltdowns but eventually did it. However I know that all I've done is created a further barrier to him doing it himself. His routine will become having an argument and meltdown and then putting on his shoes. It will take longer and be far more distressing for everyone. And if history is anything to go by, it will have unwanted side effects, like him not wanting to go out anymore. Putting my foot down on anything has never ended with him consistently doing that thing independently. Praise, fun and goals have over long periods of time helped him want to be independent. 

I wish you well and hope you are able to work it out with him., Hi! First, you're doing a great job, momma! I'm wondering if he has any motor planning issues? He might not know how to begin the process of getting hus body out of the tub. I thought my son was just ""being difficult"" about washing his hands well.  One day, I tried telling him to scrub the soap for a count of 5 and then rinse foe a count of 5. Right away, he did it.  He just didn't know how to motor plan a direction that wasn't very concrete (wash your hands right, longer, etc.). Also, I find that when expectations change, that may require a little help with planning out what that looks like and feels like in their bodies, especially if there are interception (recognizing signals from their body) and sensory challenges.  He might not realize he's cold until he's very cold. And then he has to regulate around that feeling and try to motor plan something that he's never done before or hasn't done often.  That's really tricky. Perhaps you can try talking about the expectations around and the steps involved with getting out of the tub / practicing it when he's dry and not bathing and in a good state of regulation.  As for the standing on tablet while watching TV, my guess is he had no idea.  My son gets so focused on the TV, his body awareness completely fades away. As for the scratching, I've found that in the moment logic will not work.  Logic doesn't change emotions. When he's calm, he might be more receptive to a good discussion about accidents and how the words we use to describe them matter.  I think we all have to remind ourselves sometimes that our kids don't wake up with the goal of manipulating us.  Even if it feels like it!  You obviously love your son very much and are a wonderful mom. Hang in there!, Have you ever looked into PDA Autism?, Regarding the screams, in order not to become crazy with the high pitch sounds my son can produce, I always have headphones handy. They are not fully noise cancelling so I can remain attentive to my surroundings but they make those types of sounds bearable. So if my son throws a fit and I clearly see that there is nothing he really needs, then I put my headphones on.

In this situation you're obviously not gonna let your son get hypothermia. So you are facing one of those complex situations where the only way out is very gradual. My suggestion would be: put up a reward system. Let him know that if he helps himself out of the bathtub, there's going to be a small reward after that. It could be anything you know he likes as you know him better than me. To get my son out of those behavioral energy wells, I tend to offer him to simply lift him up and down again as he finds this very satisfying sensorially speaking. He only gets the reward if he displays the desired behavior. In the case of the bathtub I'd let him a few minutes to decide and then to preserve his health if he didn't decide to behave properly you get him out, without a fuss or being angry at him, just with a neutral face, but no reward. In those few minutes if there are screams, use your headphones to protect your sanity and calmly explain him the deal, repeating the terms.

Of course it's not gonna work immediately but my experience with my son is that it often helps rectifying/decreasing the undesired behavior over the span of a few weeks.

You've all my support., Accidents happen. This was an accident, and that’s the important thing to remember and teach.

The other important thing to do now, is to explain that this accident would not have happened if he would have just gotten himself out of the tub. That he also needs to use his indoor voice, because it causes you pain, and it stresses you out. That, when you are in pain and stressed, then that means accidents can happen more frequently. (Because they can. That’s just a fact. It’s not a threat, you just need to make him see you are in need of his cooperation and help). 

I’d also look for personal stories about him getting out of the bath and being a big, strong, helpful, responsible little dude. Maybe look into stories about manipulation and why that’s not a good thing to do (the boy who cried wolf comes to mind, but there may be others). 

I’d also sit him down and explain how bath time is going to go from now on: son, from now on, you’re going to get into the bath and, when the bath is over, you’re going to get out on your own. Mom is not going to help you getting out, you’re a big boy. Those are the rules, otherwise, you can take a shower instead. Okay? 

Then draw that line and do not compromise unless he’s sick and/or unable. Otherwise, you need to just agree to take him out and not give him this middle ground where he has room to manipulate you. This can help prevent undesired behaviours like screaming, and it only takes a two minutes versus the 10-30 minutes of arguing and meltdowns that can happen (I, too, have a child who is like this with baths - and it’s because she has intense anxiety around things she thinks are dangerous)., Have you tried the ol reverse psychology of you are getting so grown up now - so big and strong mommy can hardly lift you unless you help me?  Cue some fake tugs like he's soooo heavy.  My little guy takes some talking up to things but transitioning goes much smoother if the groundwork has been laid so to speak.  I talk up how grown up he is now and list some of the perks (bigger kids can have 2 cookies instead of just 1 etc) then slide in some of the 'responsibilities' and offer to help him for awhile before i make him do it on his own., Loop earplugs are a lifesaver!, He’s already learned to manipulate. OP is basically a hostage now, Your comment prompted me to look into PDA. My son definitely has it and it does explain why he is often so different to other ASD kids around us. 

He is much more of an anxious kid and definitely gets rigid thinking. Can't stand having anyone tell him to do anything and hates being at school as they tell him what to do., I don’t think you did anything wrong, it was an accident.  And honestly I don’t think there’s anything wrong with holding your ground and saying no to things.  My kid is literally sitting in an empty tub right now yelling at me to come lift him out despite being perfectly capable.  He won’t stay there forever and tomorrow isn’t a school day.  I’m in no rush., I have 2 that scream so loud and trigger me. I just got loop earplugs and they help a ton, Omg I grabbed my son real fast after he lost his footing and kept him from falling down the stairs. Turns to his mom and says DADDY PUSHED ME DOWN THE STAIRS, You really need to stand your ground here. Otherwise he will learn that he can manipulate you easily. I highly recommend you to record and save any proof you have in case that you need it in the future., Sounds like a super rough night! Have you tried starting with meeting in the middle in this particular situation. Like “I can help you out of the tub and then you dry off by yourself” and if he’s upset with that try “ok, you can get out and then I’ll help you dry off” 

Just an idea if you haven’t tried. Obviously he should be doing it for himself, but maybe it would help gradually increase his self care while gradually decreasing your help so the transition is more peaceful?, I feel for you! We practiced  ""inconvenient solutions"" for my son. Noise canceling headphones are A MUST for you for this to work and even then it's not fool proof. 

If my kiddo didn't want to do something for himself we would ""help""...sort of. Freezing? Won't get out of a cold bath? Ok. Drain the bath and then walk away. Verbalize his options about drying off ( sit and air dry or get out) if you want. 

I didn't ever do things that would lead to his harm or were actively malicious but this was a good way to make him practice problem solving. Also reminding all my kids I cannot be their eyes or ears or arms consistently drives home autonomy. I hope., I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I believe this behavior is just a phase, but it never hurts to record it in case CPS comes knocking so you can show that he has a history of exaggerating the facts, This really sounds like pathological demand avoidance which occurs in some autistic people. I hope the therapist you are seeing is well-versed in it and can help you. I am part of some online PDA groups and am just learning about it as my youngest has a sprinkle of this but doesn't really meet the criteria but the way you described your son completely sounds like the autistic kids described in the group. Maybe an online community with this type of autism can be of some help. If anything, I know it is very helpful to have someone that understands.

I'm sorry that I don't have any real suggestions that are helpful. Just sending you love and patience. Also, I have some noise cancelling headphones that I sometimes use (the type for construction workers or shooting range) and it helps immensely., I really hurt my oldest once with my nail.  I just had a hold of his hand when he slipped/tripped and my nail was jagged and caught on the back of his hand.  It was bad enough that he still has a scar from it, and this was 15 years ago.  He wasn’t mad at me, as he knew it was an accident, but I beat myself up for it for months.   Some days, shit happens.  I’m sure he’ll realize eventually that it wasn’t on purpose.  

You really need to either refuse to get him out, even if he screams, and stick to it, or just get him out to start.  Right now you’re just teaching him that you will do it for him if he keeps it up long enough…which isn’t a great precedent to set., When we have these allegations of abuse (normally from my neurotypical daughter) we just rephrase calmly and refuse to engage more. “Ah, I’m sorry I accidentally scratched you. Can I get you a bandage?” “I’m maimed, I’m dying… it’s your fault.”  “It was an accident. Accident happens. I’m sorry you were hurt.” “I’m still dying”. “I’m sorry to hear that, but we already had this conversation. Accidents happen.”  

Also…It is not safe for you to lift him out of the tub. Especially if he is struggling. I’m worried about you getting hurt. This is a great tool you can use, “remember how you got hurt last time? You need to pop yourself out of the tub, you are a big boy!”. I would go so far as to drain the tub, turn off the water to bathroom and go enjoy a movie with your headphones on. It’s not about being mean. It’s about protecting yourself and giving yourself a break. He is safe…. He can’t drown or be burned without the water. You can support him verbally “well… you are screaming at me now, so I’m afraid I have to leave the room, I won’t let you hurt my ears like that. I’m going to go make some popcorn and watch a movie. I would love for you to join me, you hop out of the tub and towel off and I’ll be sitting in the living room waiting with popcorn to help you into your PJs”. and before the next bath, you can come up with a plan with him (if he can reason that well) to prevent it from happening again. Also… reduce the number of baths!!!! My kids only shower after going to the pool. You don’t need this aggravation every night. You sound burned out. Cut as many things out as possible. 

It’s tough! Good luck. Also, if you plan to change your expectations around bathing explain it before hand and have him agree and if he won’t, don’t do the bath. “Ok Tim, it’s bath time. Remember, you need to get yourself out of the tub and then I will help you dry off. Will I help you out of the tub?” “No.” “That’s right! And if you start screaming, what is going to happen?” “You will leave” “yep! I can’t let you hurt my ears! I will only come back when there has been quiet for 30 seconds, just like we practiced”., You let them know its an accident, define the word accident,  you apologize and we don't use words like kill, abuse, etc for accidents. 

But yeah, the screaming. It can do your head in. I must go through 2 bottles of OTC pain meds every three weeks or so. Oy., The whole situation sounds awful. I really sympathise with you. I have two (out of 4 children) who are similar. The older one is diagnosed and will get wound up and any slight touch will be deemed as abuse. The younger one is the same, but is more easily triggered. Even trying to guide him gently in a direction (for example if he is upset and wants something and I put my hand on his back to guide him to the item he wants... ''WHY ARE YOU PUSHING ME?!?!?!""). I've found there is no point in arguing. I say 'sorry, I didn't mean to' and remove my hands from anywhere near them. I try to stay as calm as possible. In that moment, I think that they are in such a high state of anxiety/emotion/feeling that they are both hyper sensitive to touch and are also bursting with all this emotion (anger/rage) that they are desperate for an outlet.

Our therapist recommended using minimal words when they are in this state, because your words become another thing to think about and process when they are already overwhelmed.

Ideally, we would recognise the triggers and redirect before the screaming starts (to an alternative activity/sensory box/exercise) but that is often difficult.

Our therapist suggested that we spend time practicing ways to calm down (deep breathing for example) when our children are relaxed and calm, as often as we can (3-5 times a week at least if possible). The idea is that we are teaching them the skills to calm down so when they do get angry they can use the skills. 

She also recommended creating a sensory box (things like fidget toys, maybe a little bit of chocolate, playdough, pens/paper, physical pictures of happy things/places that our child/children can get in the habit of seeking out when they feel overwhelmed.

I've found that the more sympathy/empathy I show my kids in the moment, the quicker they calm down. It's like they just want to be heard but are going a horrible way about it., He's not trying to manipulate you. You said his routine is for you to do everything, including getting him out of the tub. He is sticking to the routine as that's what he knows is safe. 

You are telling him the routine for that night is different but he isn't prepared for it. 

It absolutely sucks, I totally agree. I hate the screaming and bath screaming is another level due to the reverb off the walls. 

If it was me, I'd be looking for ways to change the routines in tiny ways over a long period until you were able to get him to be  more independent. Far, far easier said than done. 

I'm in no way doing any better. My 5.5 yr old son has regressed since starting pre-primary, which he hates. He is so overloaded and anxious now that he is looking to us to do everything in order to feel secure. 

He was independently doing most things but now won't do anything without help. I put my foot down today and said that his sister would choose the outing for today if he didn't put his shoes on by himself. He had several meltdowns but eventually did it. However I know that all I've done is created a further barrier to him doing it himself. His routine will become having an argument and meltdown and then putting on his shoes. It will take longer and be far more distressing for everyone. And if history is anything to go by, it will have unwanted side effects, like him not wanting to go out anymore. Putting my foot down on anything has never ended with him consistently doing that thing independently. Praise, fun and goals have over long periods of time helped him want to be independent. 

I wish you well and hope you are able to work it out with him., Hi! First, you're doing a great job, momma! I'm wondering if he has any motor planning issues? He might not know how to begin the process of getting hus body out of the tub. I thought my son was just ""being difficult"" about washing his hands well.  One day, I tried telling him to scrub the soap for a count of 5 and then rinse foe a count of 5. Right away, he did it.  He just didn't know how to motor plan a direction that wasn't very concrete (wash your hands right, longer, etc.). Also, I find that when expectations change, that may require a little help with planning out what that looks like and feels like in their bodies, especially if there are interception (recognizing signals from their body) and sensory challenges.  He might not realize he's cold until he's very cold. And then he has to regulate around that feeling and try to motor plan something that he's never done before or hasn't done often.  That's really tricky. Perhaps you can try talking about the expectations around and the steps involved with getting out of the tub / practicing it when he's dry and not bathing and in a good state of regulation.  As for the standing on tablet while watching TV, my guess is he had no idea.  My son gets so focused on the TV, his body awareness completely fades away. As for the scratching, I've found that in the moment logic will not work.  Logic doesn't change emotions. When he's calm, he might be more receptive to a good discussion about accidents and how the words we use to describe them matter.  I think we all have to remind ourselves sometimes that our kids don't wake up with the goal of manipulating us.  Even if it feels like it!  You obviously love your son very much and are a wonderful mom. Hang in there!, Have you ever looked into PDA Autism?, Regarding the screams, in order not to become crazy with the high pitch sounds my son can produce, I always have headphones handy. They are not fully noise cancelling so I can remain attentive to my surroundings but they make those types of sounds bearable. So if my son throws a fit and I clearly see that there is nothing he really needs, then I put my headphones on.

In this situation you're obviously not gonna let your son get hypothermia. So you are facing one of those complex situations where the only way out is very gradual. My suggestion would be: put up a reward system. Let him know that if he helps himself out of the bathtub, there's going to be a small reward after that. It could be anything you know he likes as you know him better than me. To get my son out of those behavioral energy wells, I tend to offer him to simply lift him up and down again as he finds this very satisfying sensorially speaking. He only gets the reward if he displays the desired behavior. In the case of the bathtub I'd let him a few minutes to decide and then to preserve his health if he didn't decide to behave properly you get him out, without a fuss or being angry at him, just with a neutral face, but no reward. In those few minutes if there are screams, use your headphones to protect your sanity and calmly explain him the deal, repeating the terms.

Of course it's not gonna work immediately but my experience with my son is that it often helps rectifying/decreasing the undesired behavior over the span of a few weeks.

You've all my support., Accidents happen. This was an accident, and that’s the important thing to remember and teach.

The other important thing to do now, is to explain that this accident would not have happened if he would have just gotten himself out of the tub. That he also needs to use his indoor voice, because it causes you pain, and it stresses you out. That, when you are in pain and stressed, then that means accidents can happen more frequently. (Because they can. That’s just a fact. It’s not a threat, you just need to make him see you are in need of his cooperation and help). 

I’d also look for personal stories about him getting out of the bath and being a big, strong, helpful, responsible little dude. Maybe look into stories about manipulation and why that’s not a good thing to do (the boy who cried wolf comes to mind, but there may be others). 

I’d also sit him down and explain how bath time is going to go from now on: son, from now on, you’re going to get into the bath and, when the bath is over, you’re going to get out on your own. Mom is not going to help you getting out, you’re a big boy. Those are the rules, otherwise, you can take a shower instead. Okay? 

Then draw that line and do not compromise unless he’s sick and/or unable. Otherwise, you need to just agree to take him out and not give him this middle ground where he has room to manipulate you. This can help prevent undesired behaviours like screaming, and it only takes a two minutes versus the 10-30 minutes of arguing and meltdowns that can happen (I, too, have a child who is like this with baths - and it’s because she has intense anxiety around things she thinks are dangerous)., Loop earplugs are a lifesaver!, He’s already learned to manipulate. OP is basically a hostage now, Your comment prompted me to look into PDA. My son definitely has it and it does explain why he is often so different to other ASD kids around us. 

He is much more of an anxious kid and definitely gets rigid thinking. Can't stand having anyone tell him to do anything and hates being at school as they tell him what to do., I don’t think you did anything wrong, it was an accident.  And honestly I don’t think there’s anything wrong with holding your ground and saying no to things.  My kid is literally sitting in an empty tub right now yelling at me to come lift him out despite being perfectly capable.  He won’t stay there forever and tomorrow isn’t a school day.  I’m in no rush., I have 2 that scream so loud and trigger me. I just got loop earplugs and they help a ton, Omg I grabbed my son real fast after he lost his footing and kept him from falling down the stairs. Turns to his mom and says DADDY PUSHED ME DOWN THE STAIRS, You really need to stand your ground here. Otherwise he will learn that he can manipulate you easily. I highly recommend you to record and save any proof you have in case that you need it in the future., Sounds like a super rough night! Have you tried starting with meeting in the middle in this particular situation. Like “I can help you out of the tub and then you dry off by yourself” and if he’s upset with that try “ok, you can get out and then I’ll help you dry off” 

Just an idea if you haven’t tried. Obviously he should be doing it for himself, but maybe it would help gradually increase his self care while gradually decreasing your help so the transition is more peaceful?, I feel for you! We practiced  ""inconvenient solutions"" for my son. Noise canceling headphones are A MUST for you for this to work and even then it's not fool proof. 

If my kiddo didn't want to do something for himself we would ""help""...sort of. Freezing? Won't get out of a cold bath? Ok. Drain the bath and then walk away. Verbalize his options about drying off ( sit and air dry or get out) if you want. 

I didn't ever do things that would lead to his harm or were actively malicious but this was a good way to make him practice problem solving. Also reminding all my kids I cannot be their eyes or ears or arms consistently drives home autonomy. I hope., I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I believe this behavior is just a phase, but it never hurts to record it in case CPS comes knocking so you can show that he has a history of exaggerating the facts, This really sounds like pathological demand avoidance which occurs in some autistic people. I hope the therapist you are seeing is well-versed in it and can help you. I am part of some online PDA groups and am just learning about it as my youngest has a sprinkle of this but doesn't really meet the criteria but the way you described your son completely sounds like the autistic kids described in the group. Maybe an online community with this type of autism can be of some help. If anything, I know it is very helpful to have someone that understands.

I'm sorry that I don't have any real suggestions that are helpful. Just sending you love and patience. Also, I have some noise cancelling headphones that I sometimes use (the type for construction workers or shooting range) and it helps immensely., I really hurt my oldest once with my nail.  I just had a hold of his hand when he slipped/tripped and my nail was jagged and caught on the back of his hand.  It was bad enough that he still has a scar from it, and this was 15 years ago.  He wasn’t mad at me, as he knew it was an accident, but I beat myself up for it for months.   Some days, shit happens.  I’m sure he’ll realize eventually that it wasn’t on purpose.  

You really need to either refuse to get him out, even if he screams, and stick to it, or just get him out to start.  Right now you’re just teaching him that you will do it for him if he keeps it up long enough…which isn’t a great precedent to set., When we have these allegations of abuse (normally from my neurotypical daughter) we just rephrase calmly and refuse to engage more. “Ah, I’m sorry I accidentally scratched you. Can I get you a bandage?” “I’m maimed, I’m dying… it’s your fault.”  “It was an accident. Accident happens. I’m sorry you were hurt.” “I’m still dying”. “I’m sorry to hear that, but we already had this conversation. Accidents happen.”  

Also…It is not safe for you to lift him out of the tub. Especially if he is struggling. I’m worried about you getting hurt. This is a great tool you can use, “remember how you got hurt last time? You need to pop yourself out of the tub, you are a big boy!”. I would go so far as to drain the tub, turn off the water to bathroom and go enjoy a movie with your headphones on. It’s not about being mean. It’s about protecting yourself and giving yourself a break. He is safe…. He can’t drown or be burned without the water. You can support him verbally “well… you are screaming at me now, so I’m afraid I have to leave the room, I won’t let you hurt my ears like that. I’m going to go make some popcorn and watch a movie. I would love for you to join me, you hop out of the tub and towel off and I’ll be sitting in the living room waiting with popcorn to help you into your PJs”. and before the next bath, you can come up with a plan with him (if he can reason that well) to prevent it from happening again. Also… reduce the number of baths!!!! My kids only shower after going to the pool. You don’t need this aggravation every night. You sound burned out. Cut as many things out as possible. 

It’s tough! Good luck. Also, if you plan to change your expectations around bathing explain it before hand and have him agree and if he won’t, don’t do the bath. “Ok Tim, it’s bath time. Remember, you need to get yourself out of the tub and then I will help you dry off. Will I help you out of the tub?” “No.” “That’s right! And if you start screaming, what is going to happen?” “You will leave” “yep! I can’t let you hurt my ears! I will only come back when there has been quiet for 30 seconds, just like we practiced”., You let them know its an accident, define the word accident,  you apologize and we don't use words like kill, abuse, etc for accidents. 

But yeah, the screaming. It can do your head in. I must go through 2 bottles of OTC pain meds every three weeks or so. Oy., The whole situation sounds awful. I really sympathise with you. I have two (out of 4 children) who are similar. The older one is diagnosed and will get wound up and any slight touch will be deemed as abuse. The younger one is the same, but is more easily triggered. Even trying to guide him gently in a direction (for example if he is upset and wants something and I put my hand on his back to guide him to the item he wants... ''WHY ARE YOU PUSHING ME?!?!?!""). I've found there is no point in arguing. I say 'sorry, I didn't mean to' and remove my hands from anywhere near them. I try to stay as calm as possible. In that moment, I think that they are in such a high state of anxiety/emotion/feeling that they are both hyper sensitive to touch and are also bursting with all this emotion (anger/rage) that they are desperate for an outlet.

Our therapist recommended using minimal words when they are in this state, because your words become another thing to think about and process when they are already overwhelmed.

Ideally, we would recognise the triggers and redirect before the screaming starts (to an alternative activity/sensory box/exercise) but that is often difficult.

Our therapist suggested that we spend time practicing ways to calm down (deep breathing for example) when our children are relaxed and calm, as often as we can (3-5 times a week at least if possible). The idea is that we are teaching them the skills to calm down so when they do get angry they can use the skills. 

She also recommended creating a sensory box (things like fidget toys, maybe a little bit of chocolate, playdough, pens/paper, physical pictures of happy things/places that our child/children can get in the habit of seeking out when they feel overwhelmed.

I've found that the more sympathy/empathy I show my kids in the moment, the quicker they calm down. It's like they just want to be heard but are going a horrible way about it., He's not trying to manipulate you. You said his routine is for you to do everything, including getting him out of the tub. He is sticking to the routine as that's what he knows is safe. 

You are telling him the routine for that night is different but he isn't prepared for it. 

It absolutely sucks, I totally agree. I hate the screaming and bath screaming is another level due to the reverb off the walls. 

If it was me, I'd be looking for ways to change the routines in tiny ways over a long period until you were able to get him to be  more independent. Far, far easier said than done. 

I'm in no way doing any better. My 5.5 yr old son has regressed since starting pre-primary, which he hates. He is so overloaded and anxious now that he is looking to us to do everything in order to feel secure. 

He was independently doing most things but now won't do anything without help. I put my foot down today and said that his sister would choose the outing for today if he didn't put his shoes on by himself. He had several meltdowns but eventually did it. However I know that all I've done is created a further barrier to him doing it himself. His routine will become having an argument and meltdown and then putting on his shoes. It will take longer and be far more distressing for everyone. And if history is anything to go by, it will have unwanted side effects, like him not wanting to go out anymore. Putting my foot down on anything has never ended with him consistently doing that thing independently. Praise, fun and goals have over long periods of time helped him want to be independent. 

I wish you well and hope you are able to work it out with him., Hi! First, you're doing a great job, momma! I'm wondering if he has any motor planning issues? He might not know how to begin the process of getting hus body out of the tub. I thought my son was just ""being difficult"" about washing his hands well.  One day, I tried telling him to scrub the soap for a count of 5 and then rinse foe a count of 5. Right away, he did it.  He just didn't know how to motor plan a direction that wasn't very concrete (wash your hands right, longer, etc.). Also, I find that when expectations change, that may require a little help with planning out what that looks like and feels like in their bodies, especially if there are interception (recognizing signals from their body) and sensory challenges.  He might not realize he's cold until he's very cold. And then he has to regulate around that feeling and try to motor plan something that he's never done before or hasn't done often.  That's really tricky. Perhaps you can try talking about the expectations around and the steps involved with getting out of the tub / practicing it when he's dry and not bathing and in a good state of regulation.  As for the standing on tablet while watching TV, my guess is he had no idea.  My son gets so focused on the TV, his body awareness completely fades away. As for the scratching, I've found that in the moment logic will not work.  Logic doesn't change emotions. When he's calm, he might be more receptive to a good discussion about accidents and how the words we use to describe them matter.  I think we all have to remind ourselves sometimes that our kids don't wake up with the goal of manipulating us.  Even if it feels like it!  You obviously love your son very much and are a wonderful mom. Hang in there!, Have you ever looked into PDA Autism?, Regarding the screams, in order not to become crazy with the high pitch sounds my son can produce, I always have headphones handy. They are not fully noise cancelling so I can remain attentive to my surroundings but they make those types of sounds bearable. So if my son throws a fit and I clearly see that there is nothing he really needs, then I put my headphones on.

In this situation you're obviously not gonna let your son get hypothermia. So you are facing one of those complex situations where the only way out is very gradual. My suggestion would be: put up a reward system. Let him know that if he helps himself out of the bathtub, there's going to be a small reward after that. It could be anything you know he likes as you know him better than me. To get my son out of those behavioral energy wells, I tend to offer him to simply lift him up and down again as he finds this very satisfying sensorially speaking. He only gets the reward if he displays the desired behavior. In the case of the bathtub I'd let him a few minutes to decide and then to preserve his health if he didn't decide to behave properly you get him out, without a fuss or being angry at him, just with a neutral face, but no reward. In those few minutes if there are screams, use your headphones to protect your sanity and calmly explain him the deal, repeating the terms.

Of course it's not gonna work immediately but my experience with my son is that it often helps rectifying/decreasing the undesired behavior over the span of a few weeks.

You've all my support., Accidents happen. This was an accident, and that’s the important thing to remember and teach.

The other important thing to do now, is to explain that this accident would not have happened if he would have just gotten himself out of the tub. That he also needs to use his indoor voice, because it causes you pain, and it stresses you out. That, when you are in pain and stressed, then that means accidents can happen more frequently. (Because they can. That’s just a fact. It’s not a threat, you just need to make him see you are in need of his cooperation and help). 

I’d also look for personal stories about him getting out of the bath and being a big, strong, helpful, responsible little dude. Maybe look into stories about manipulation and why that’s not a good thing to do (the boy who cried wolf comes to mind, but there may be others). 

I’d also sit him down and explain how bath time is going to go from now on: son, from now on, you’re going to get into the bath and, when the bath is over, you’re going to get out on your own. Mom is not going to help you getting out, you’re a big boy. Those are the rules, otherwise, you can take a shower instead. Okay? 

Then draw that line and do not compromise unless he’s sick and/or unable. Otherwise, you need to just agree to take him out and not give him this middle ground where he has room to manipulate you. This can help prevent undesired behaviours like screaming, and it only takes a two minutes versus the 10-30 minutes of arguing and meltdowns that can happen (I, too, have a child who is like this with baths - and it’s because she has intense anxiety around things she thinks are dangerous)., Have you tried the ol reverse psychology of you are getting so grown up now - so big and strong mommy can hardly lift you unless you help me?  Cue some fake tugs like he's soooo heavy.  My little guy takes some talking up to things but transitioning goes much smoother if the groundwork has been laid so to speak.  I talk up how grown up he is now and list some of the perks (bigger kids can have 2 cookies instead of just 1 etc) then slide in some of the 'responsibilities' and offer to help him for awhile before i make him do it on his own., Loop earplugs are a lifesaver!, He’s already learned to manipulate. OP is basically a hostage now, Your comment prompted me to look into PDA. My son definitely has it and it does explain why he is often so different to other ASD kids around us. 

He is much more of an anxious kid and definitely gets rigid thinking. Can't stand having anyone tell him to do anything and hates being at school as they tell him what to do., I don’t think you did anything wrong, it was an accident.  And honestly I don’t think there’s anything wrong with holding your ground and saying no to things.  My kid is literally sitting in an empty tub right now yelling at me to come lift him out despite being perfectly capable.  He won’t stay there forever and tomorrow isn’t a school day.  I’m in no rush., I have 2 that scream so loud and trigger me. I just got loop earplugs and they help a ton, Omg I grabbed my son real fast after he lost his footing and kept him from falling down the stairs. Turns to his mom and says DADDY PUSHED ME DOWN THE STAIRS, You really need to stand your ground here. Otherwise he will learn that he can manipulate you easily. I highly recommend you to record and save any proof you have in case that you need it in the future., Sounds like a super rough night! Have you tried starting with meeting in the middle in this particular situation. Like “I can help you out of the tub and then you dry off by yourself” and if he’s upset with that try “ok, you can get out and then I’ll help you dry off” 

Just an idea if you haven’t tried. Obviously he should be doing it for himself, but maybe it would help gradually increase his self care while gradually decreasing your help so the transition is more peaceful?, I feel for you! We practiced  ""inconvenient solutions"" for my son. Noise canceling headphones are A MUST for you for this to work and even then it's not fool proof. 

If my kiddo didn't want to do something for himself we would ""help""...sort of. Freezing? Won't get out of a cold bath? Ok. Drain the bath and then walk away. Verbalize his options about drying off ( sit and air dry or get out) if you want. 

I didn't ever do things that would lead to his harm or were actively malicious but this was a good way to make him practice problem solving. Also reminding all my kids I cannot be their eyes or ears or arms consistently drives home autonomy. I hope., I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I believe this behavior is just a phase, but it never hurts to record it in case CPS comes knocking so you can show that he has a history of exaggerating the facts, This really sounds like pathological demand avoidance which occurs in some autistic people. I hope the therapist you are seeing is well-versed in it and can help you. I am part of some online PDA groups and am just learning about it as my youngest has a sprinkle of this but doesn't really meet the criteria but the way you described your son completely sounds like the autistic kids described in the group. Maybe an online community with this type of autism can be of some help. If anything, I know it is very helpful to have someone that understands.

I'm sorry that I don't have any real suggestions that are helpful. Just sending you love and patience. Also, I have some noise cancelling headphones that I sometimes use (the type for construction workers or shooting range) and it helps immensely., I really hurt my oldest once with my nail.  I just had a hold of his hand when he slipped/tripped and my nail was jagged and caught on the back of his hand.  It was bad enough that he still has a scar from it, and this was 15 years ago.  He wasn’t mad at me, as he knew it was an accident, but I beat myself up for it for months.   Some days, shit happens.  I’m sure he’ll realize eventually that it wasn’t on purpose.  

You really need to either refuse to get him out, even if he screams, and stick to it, or just get him out to start.  Right now you’re just teaching him that you will do it for him if he keeps it up long enough…which isn’t a great precedent to set., When we have these allegations of abuse (normally from my neurotypical daughter) we just rephrase calmly and refuse to engage more. “Ah, I’m sorry I accidentally scratched you. Can I get you a bandage?” “I’m maimed, I’m dying… it’s your fault.”  “It was an accident. Accident happens. I’m sorry you were hurt.” “I’m still dying”. “I’m sorry to hear that, but we already had this conversation. Accidents happen.”  

Also…It is not safe for you to lift him out of the tub. Especially if he is struggling. I’m worried about you getting hurt. This is a great tool you can use, “remember how you got hurt last time? You need to pop yourself out of the tub, you are a big boy!”. I would go so far as to drain the tub, turn off the water to bathroom and go enjoy a movie with your headphones on. It’s not about being mean. It’s about protecting yourself and giving yourself a break. He is safe…. He can’t drown or be burned without the water. You can support him verbally “well… you are screaming at me now, so I’m afraid I have to leave the room, I won’t let you hurt my ears like that. I’m going to go make some popcorn and watch a movie. I would love for you to join me, you hop out of the tub and towel off and I’ll be sitting in the living room waiting with popcorn to help you into your PJs”. and before the next bath, you can come up with a plan with him (if he can reason that well) to prevent it from happening again. Also… reduce the number of baths!!!! My kids only shower after going to the pool. You don’t need this aggravation every night. You sound burned out. Cut as many things out as possible. 

It’s tough! Good luck. Also, if you plan to change your expectations around bathing explain it before hand and have him agree and if he won’t, don’t do the bath. “Ok Tim, it’s bath time. Remember, you need to get yourself out of the tub and then I will help you dry off. Will I help you out of the tub?” “No.” “That’s right! And if you start screaming, what is going to happen?” “You will leave” “yep! I can’t let you hurt my ears! I will only come back when there has been quiet for 30 seconds, just like we practiced”., You let them know its an accident, define the word accident,  you apologize and we don't use words like kill, abuse, etc for accidents. 

But yeah, the screaming. It can do your head in. I must go through 2 bottles of OTC pain meds every three weeks or so. Oy., The whole situation sounds awful. I really sympathise with you. I have two (out of 4 children) who are similar. The older one is diagnosed and will get wound up and any slight touch will be deemed as abuse. The younger one is the same, but is more easily triggered. Even trying to guide him gently in a direction (for example if he is upset and wants something and I put my hand on his back to guide him to the item he wants... ''WHY ARE YOU PUSHING ME?!?!?!""). I've found there is no point in arguing. I say 'sorry, I didn't mean to' and remove my hands from anywhere near them. I try to stay as calm as possible. In that moment, I think that they are in such a high state of anxiety/emotion/feeling that they are both hyper sensitive to touch and are also bursting with all this emotion (anger/rage) that they are desperate for an outlet.

Our therapist recommended using minimal words when they are in this state, because your words become another thing to think about and process when they are already overwhelmed.

Ideally, we would recognise the triggers and redirect before the screaming starts (to an alternative activity/sensory box/exercise) but that is often difficult.

Our therapist suggested that we spend time practicing ways to calm down (deep breathing for example) when our children are relaxed and calm, as often as we can (3-5 times a week at least if possible). The idea is that we are teaching them the skills to calm down so when they do get angry they can use the skills. 

She also recommended creating a sensory box (things like fidget toys, maybe a little bit of chocolate, playdough, pens/paper, physical pictures of happy things/places that our child/children can get in the habit of seeking out when they feel overwhelmed.

I've found that the more sympathy/empathy I show my kids in the moment, the quicker they calm down. It's like they just want to be heard but are going a horrible way about it., He's not trying to manipulate you. You said his routine is for you to do everything, including getting him out of the tub. He is sticking to the routine as that's what he knows is safe. 

You are telling him the routine for that night is different but he isn't prepared for it. 

It absolutely sucks, I totally agree. I hate the screaming and bath screaming is another level due to the reverb off the walls. 

If it was me, I'd be looking for ways to change the routines in tiny ways over a long period until you were able to get him to be  more independent. Far, far easier said than done. 

I'm in no way doing any better. My 5.5 yr old son has regressed since starting pre-primary, which he hates. He is so overloaded and anxious now that he is looking to us to do everything in order to feel secure. 

He was independently doing most things but now won't do anything without help. I put my foot down today and said that his sister would choose the outing for today if he didn't put his shoes on by himself. He had several meltdowns but eventually did it. However I know that all I've done is created a further barrier to him doing it himself. His routine will become having an argument and meltdown and then putting on his shoes. It will take longer and be far more distressing for everyone. And if history is anything to go by, it will have unwanted side effects, like him not wanting to go out anymore. Putting my foot down on anything has never ended with him consistently doing that thing independently. Praise, fun and goals have over long periods of time helped him want to be independent. 

I wish you well and hope you are able to work it out with him., Hi! First, you're doing a great job, momma! I'm wondering if he has any motor planning issues? He might not know how to begin the process of getting hus body out of the tub. I thought my son was just ""being difficult"" about washing his hands well.  One day, I tried telling him to scrub the soap for a count of 5 and then rinse foe a count of 5. Right away, he did it.  He just didn't know how to motor plan a direction that wasn't very concrete (wash your hands right, longer, etc.). Also, I find that when expectations change, that may require a little help with planning out what that looks like and feels like in their bodies, especially if there are interception (recognizing signals from their body) and sensory challenges.  He might not realize he's cold until he's very cold. And then he has to regulate around that feeling and try to motor plan something that he's never done before or hasn't done often.  That's really tricky. Perhaps you can try talking about the expectations around and the steps involved with getting out of the tub / practicing it when he's dry and not bathing and in a good state of regulation.  As for the standing on tablet while watching TV, my guess is he had no idea.  My son gets so focused on the TV, his body awareness completely fades away. As for the scratching, I've found that in the moment logic will not work.  Logic doesn't change emotions. When he's calm, he might be more receptive to a good discussion about accidents and how the words we use to describe them matter.  I think we all have to remind ourselves sometimes that our kids don't wake up with the goal of manipulating us.  Even if it feels like it!  You obviously love your son very much and are a wonderful mom. Hang in there!, Have you ever looked into PDA Autism?, Regarding the screams, in order not to become crazy with the high pitch sounds my son can produce, I always have headphones handy. They are not fully noise cancelling so I can remain attentive to my surroundings but they make those types of sounds bearable. So if my son throws a fit and I clearly see that there is nothing he really needs, then I put my headphones on.

In this situation you're obviously not gonna let your son get hypothermia. So you are facing one of those complex situations where the only way out is very gradual. My suggestion would be: put up a reward system. Let him know that if he helps himself out of the bathtub, there's going to be a small reward after that. It could be anything you know he likes as you know him better than me. To get my son out of those behavioral energy wells, I tend to offer him to simply lift him up and down again as he finds this very satisfying sensorially speaking. He only gets the reward if he displays the desired behavior. In the case of the bathtub I'd let him a few minutes to decide and then to preserve his health if he didn't decide to behave properly you get him out, without a fuss or being angry at him, just with a neutral face, but no reward. In those few minutes if there are screams, use your headphones to protect your sanity and calmly explain him the deal, repeating the terms.

Of course it's not gonna work immediately but my experience with my son is that it often helps rectifying/decreasing the undesired behavior over the span of a few weeks.

You've all my support., Accidents happen. This was an accident, and that’s the important thing to remember and teach.

The other important thing to do now, is to explain that this accident would not have happened if he would have just gotten himself out of the tub. That he also needs to use his indoor voice, because it causes you pain, and it stresses you out. That, when you are in pain and stressed, then that means accidents can happen more frequently. (Because they can. That’s just a fact. It’s not a threat, you just need to make him see you are in need of his cooperation and help). 

I’d also look for personal stories about him getting out of the bath and being a big, strong, helpful, responsible little dude. Maybe look into stories about manipulation and why that’s not a good thing to do (the boy who cried wolf comes to mind, but there may be others). 

I’d also sit him down and explain how bath time is going to go from now on: son, from now on, you’re going to get into the bath and, when the bath is over, you’re going to get out on your own. Mom is not going to help you getting out, you’re a big boy. Those are the rules, otherwise, you can take a shower instead. Okay? 

Then draw that line and do not compromise unless he’s sick and/or unable. Otherwise, you need to just agree to take him out and not give him this middle ground where he has room to manipulate you. This can help prevent undesired behaviours like screaming, and it only takes a two minutes versus the 10-30 minutes of arguing and meltdowns that can happen (I, too, have a child who is like this with baths - and it’s because she has intense anxiety around things she thinks are dangerous)., Have you tried the ol reverse psychology of you are getting so grown up now - so big and strong mommy can hardly lift you unless you help me?  Cue some fake tugs like he's soooo heavy.  My little guy takes some talking up to things but transitioning goes much smoother if the groundwork has been laid so to speak.  I talk up how grown up he is now and list some of the perks (bigger kids can have 2 cookies instead of just 1 etc) then slide in some of the 'responsibilities' and offer to help him for awhile before i make him do it on his own., Loop earplugs are a lifesaver!, He’s already learned to manipulate. OP is basically a hostage now, Your comment prompted me to look into PDA. My son definitely has it and it does explain why he is often so different to other ASD kids around us. 

He is much more of an anxious kid and definitely gets rigid thinking. Can't stand having anyone tell him to do anything and hates being at school as they tell him what to do.",Support,Parental Burnout
"Hi 

Parent of 12 year old autistic kid recently diagnosed  (I know the terminology is problematic but, for context, level 1/aspergers - very bright, communicates well etc). He has always been “quirky” and anxious but things kicked off when we moved to secondary school at 11. Panic attacks, vomiting, severe anxiety. We were gaslit by therapists and the school into believing it was “just” anxiety and we had to build resilience by forcing him in every day. We did that for a year. It went as well as you would expect - anxiety skyrocketed, started self harming etc. Eventually we got him assessed and diagnosed with ASC. Sensory issues - noises in particular - and difficulties with peers etc. Routine, rituals, special interest (pokemon at present) etc. We tried moving to a different school but the level of trauma was so high he had a panic attack even trying to enter a school building. So we have moved him to online school from home which is going much better and his anxiety levels have gone down massively, though they are still very high. 

Anyway - that is the background. My question is how to differentiate between comforting rituals which help him regulate, and which we should support, and possible ocd behaviours that we need to try and stop. 

Examples: he washes his hands a lot. Before and after eating, when transitioning from school to tv, before having a bath, before getting in to bed. His hands are chapped and red. He says it is comforting and helps him feel less stressed. 

At bedtime we have a routine where we read a story together, sing a song while he arranges his jellycat bunnies in a certain order and then he says “night night love you night night”. This has to be the last thing he says before sleep. If we say something else afterwards, he repeats this phrase. Again he says it is comforting (he has a lot of anxiety about bedtime and the dark etc) 

He has to wash his hands before bed and can’t touch anything before after he has done so except his bunnies and his bedsheets. In the morning, however, he is quite happy reading in bed and touching things and his bunnies, it is just that before he goes to sleep it is almost like he is washing the day off and transitioning into night. 

There is certainly some germaphobia there with the handwashing  - that all seems to have started with Covid - but it does seem more like a ritual/routine thing. 

My question is - in your experience is this sort of thing part of the kind of autistic ritual or routine that is to be expected or is it the kind of OCD thing that we need to try and work on stopping? How do you tell the difference? 
","The way our psychiatrist described it was that rituals and routines bring comfort, while OCD behaviors is to prevent something bad from happening (ie is totally anxiety driven).

From what you are describing it seems more in the comfort-inducing category. But yeah, it an be difficult to tell the difference sometimes.

My kid also gets periods when he needs a lot of set routines or rituals and it's always related to the amount of stress he's feeling, so the solution for him is to stress reduce, which is of course easier said than done!

Good luck!, Moving the kid to online school is a good option, schools arent well designed for ND kids.

High levels of Anxiety also means high level of creativity so don’t look at it in just a bad way. Trying build environments where creativity can be explored, you can get books & online tutoring that feeds the kids interest. 

Also for the bedtime routine try encouraging writing (journal or poetry) or reading before bed. This can lower anxiety & stress and expand their vocabulary.

The OCD of routine & hand washing causes no harm to the kid, sure it’s not “normal” but who really cares.

There are much worse cases of germaphobia out there, I’ve seen one kid who would shower 6-8 times a day., Just by way of update - I talked to him about it and he said it is not about germs or dirt or anything when it comes to his bunnies and hand washing. He has a rule that he has to wash his hands (or has to have touched nothing else before touching them after having last washed his hands) before touching them because they are so precious. So it is just about keeping them special and separate from all the stressful day to day of life. Like a symbolic ritual (makes me wonder if people on the spectrum were those tribal members who first came up with religion and ritual….), Thanks that makes sense, Thanks - good ideas and agree regarding online school, The way our psychiatrist described it was that rituals and routines bring comfort, while OCD behaviors is to prevent something bad from happening (ie is totally anxiety driven).

From what you are describing it seems more in the comfort-inducing category. But yeah, it an be difficult to tell the difference sometimes.

My kid also gets periods when he needs a lot of set routines or rituals and it's always related to the amount of stress he's feeling, so the solution for him is to stress reduce, which is of course easier said than done!

Good luck!, Moving the kid to online school is a good option, schools arent well designed for ND kids.

High levels of Anxiety also means high level of creativity so don’t look at it in just a bad way. Trying build environments where creativity can be explored, you can get books & online tutoring that feeds the kids interest. 

Also for the bedtime routine try encouraging writing (journal or poetry) or reading before bed. This can lower anxiety & stress and expand their vocabulary.

The OCD of routine & hand washing causes no harm to the kid, sure it’s not “normal” but who really cares.

There are much worse cases of germaphobia out there, I’ve seen one kid who would shower 6-8 times a day., Just by way of update - I talked to him about it and he said it is not about germs or dirt or anything when it comes to his bunnies and hand washing. He has a rule that he has to wash his hands (or has to have touched nothing else before touching them after having last washed his hands) before touching them because they are so precious. So it is just about keeping them special and separate from all the stressful day to day of life. Like a symbolic ritual (makes me wonder if people on the spectrum were those tribal members who first came up with religion and ritual….), Thanks that makes sense, Thanks - good ideas and agree regarding online school, The way our psychiatrist described it was that rituals and routines bring comfort, while OCD behaviors is to prevent something bad from happening (ie is totally anxiety driven).

From what you are describing it seems more in the comfort-inducing category. But yeah, it an be difficult to tell the difference sometimes.

My kid also gets periods when he needs a lot of set routines or rituals and it's always related to the amount of stress he's feeling, so the solution for him is to stress reduce, which is of course easier said than done!

Good luck!, Moving the kid to online school is a good option, schools arent well designed for ND kids.

High levels of Anxiety also means high level of creativity so don’t look at it in just a bad way. Trying build environments where creativity can be explored, you can get books & online tutoring that feeds the kids interest. 

Also for the bedtime routine try encouraging writing (journal or poetry) or reading before bed. This can lower anxiety & stress and expand their vocabulary.

The OCD of routine & hand washing causes no harm to the kid, sure it’s not “normal” but who really cares.

There are much worse cases of germaphobia out there, I’ve seen one kid who would shower 6-8 times a day., Just by way of update - I talked to him about it and he said it is not about germs or dirt or anything when it comes to his bunnies and hand washing. He has a rule that he has to wash his hands (or has to have touched nothing else before touching them after having last washed his hands) before touching them because they are so precious. So it is just about keeping them special and separate from all the stressful day to day of life. Like a symbolic ritual (makes me wonder if people on the spectrum were those tribal members who first came up with religion and ritual….), Thanks that makes sense, Thanks - good ideas and agree regarding online school, The way our psychiatrist described it was that rituals and routines bring comfort, while OCD behaviors is to prevent something bad from happening (ie is totally anxiety driven).

From what you are describing it seems more in the comfort-inducing category. But yeah, it an be difficult to tell the difference sometimes.

My kid also gets periods when he needs a lot of set routines or rituals and it's always related to the amount of stress he's feeling, so the solution for him is to stress reduce, which is of course easier said than done!

Good luck!, Moving the kid to online school is a good option, schools arent well designed for ND kids.

High levels of Anxiety also means high level of creativity so don’t look at it in just a bad way. Trying build environments where creativity can be explored, you can get books & online tutoring that feeds the kids interest. 

Also for the bedtime routine try encouraging writing (journal or poetry) or reading before bed. This can lower anxiety & stress and expand their vocabulary.

The OCD of routine & hand washing causes no harm to the kid, sure it’s not “normal” but who really cares.

There are much worse cases of germaphobia out there, I’ve seen one kid who would shower 6-8 times a day., Just by way of update - I talked to him about it and he said it is not about germs or dirt or anything when it comes to his bunnies and hand washing. He has a rule that he has to wash his hands (or has to have touched nothing else before touching them after having last washed his hands) before touching them because they are so precious. So it is just about keeping them special and separate from all the stressful day to day of life. Like a symbolic ritual (makes me wonder if people on the spectrum were those tribal members who first came up with religion and ritual….), Thanks that makes sense, Thanks - good ideas and agree regarding online school",Treatment,Co-occurring Conditions
"Im not even sure how to start this but I need advice on what I should do with my 10 year old child that has autism and his tantrums. Right now, im going through a separation with my soon to be ex husband. Needless to say the separation has impacted my child and his tantrums have increased. He’s getting more violent. For a 10 year old he is almost 5’6 and weighs about 150 pounds so he’s pretty big. He’s gone as far as breaking doors and physically hitting me. He is always calling the police or screaming or something to the point that I’ve been kicked out of apartments and struggle to find a stable place to live in. My parents find it incredibly difficult to take care of him because they say he doesn’t respect them and quite honestly it’s true. He can’t or perhaps won’t clean after himself. The last straw for them was when he used the bathroom and smeared feces on the wall and urinated all over the bathroom. He has a social worker and therapist but nothing seems to work. I have told them everything he’s doing and that Im beginning to get scared because he won’t take no for an answer. I contact places and don’t get responses. I have absolutely no idea what to do. I found a new apartment and Ive made it clear to him that if he continues to behave like this we will be homeless and he’s agreed to behave but I know he won’t. Im completely lost and feel alone. I dont know what will happen in the future. Im completely terrified. I need advice on what to do because i just don’t know anymore. ","Can you tell us what you HAVE tried?, Does he act out for his father?, Are you and the ex in a good enough position for co-parenting? So that when he’s upset you can speak with his dad and present a unified front? I’ve also got the feeling he’s figured out how to get under your skin and what behaviors he can get away with right? I would ask the therapist about a positive behavior support plan. But also the smear feces and urinating make sure he has a hand in cleaning that up. Even if it’s going through a week later and scrubbing the floor after everything has been cleaned up. If he is cognizant enough of that hitting others is unacceptable, doesn’t have memory issues and he hits you, you have to make sure there is consequence. Such as sending him to his room, revoking of a special privilege etc. Also level with him, assure him that you love him and be honest about your worries for his future. If he hits you ask him how he’d feel if you did the same. And let him know if he’s an adult that does that he may end up in jail. As for the not exhibiting proper hygiene, he’s on the cusp of puberty and it’s a control thing. Note that you encourage him. Maybe have a movie night and watch Big Daddy, when they have the scene about being smelly, subtly drop that that’s such great advice, and just be frank with him. Few people want to sit next to someone if they think they’re unclean., Needs Full-Time ABA with a 1 on 1 Para-Professional supplemented with OT.

If your at 10 Puberty and Growth Spurts are a variable. ASD LO’s will never meet NT demands placed on them due to biological differences in how they process information, emotion, and social cues.

Our LO is ASD 3 Non-Verbal 3 but ABA has been amazing.

How intensive was their ABA and how consistent did you stick it out because its a multi-year commitment like 5+, I’ve tried ABA therapy primarily. He was there for a few years. Then I had the city intervene because of problems at school and they removed him from ABA therapy and into regular psychotherapy. He’s seeing a psychiatrist who’s helped calm down the severity of the tantrums with medication. He has a social worker, psychiatrist and a regular therapist that work with him. Aside from this nothing else. Ive tried taking him to get reevaluated but when he’s there his behavior changes completely and I leave being told that the help he is receiving now is enough., No he doesn’t and when he does he doesn’t get physically aggressive. He either runs out of the house and we chase after him or will lock himself in the bathroom, Can you tell us what you HAVE tried?, Does he act out for his father?, Are you and the ex in a good enough position for co-parenting? So that when he’s upset you can speak with his dad and present a unified front? I’ve also got the feeling he’s figured out how to get under your skin and what behaviors he can get away with right? I would ask the therapist about a positive behavior support plan. But also the smear feces and urinating make sure he has a hand in cleaning that up. Even if it’s going through a week later and scrubbing the floor after everything has been cleaned up. If he is cognizant enough of that hitting others is unacceptable, doesn’t have memory issues and he hits you, you have to make sure there is consequence. Such as sending him to his room, revoking of a special privilege etc. Also level with him, assure him that you love him and be honest about your worries for his future. If he hits you ask him how he’d feel if you did the same. And let him know if he’s an adult that does that he may end up in jail. As for the not exhibiting proper hygiene, he’s on the cusp of puberty and it’s a control thing. Note that you encourage him. Maybe have a movie night and watch Big Daddy, when they have the scene about being smelly, subtly drop that that’s such great advice, and just be frank with him. Few people want to sit next to someone if they think they’re unclean., Needs Full-Time ABA with a 1 on 1 Para-Professional supplemented with OT.

If your at 10 Puberty and Growth Spurts are a variable. ASD LO’s will never meet NT demands placed on them due to biological differences in how they process information, emotion, and social cues.

Our LO is ASD 3 Non-Verbal 3 but ABA has been amazing.

How intensive was their ABA and how consistent did you stick it out because its a multi-year commitment like 5+, I’ve tried ABA therapy primarily. He was there for a few years. Then I had the city intervene because of problems at school and they removed him from ABA therapy and into regular psychotherapy. He’s seeing a psychiatrist who’s helped calm down the severity of the tantrums with medication. He has a social worker, psychiatrist and a regular therapist that work with him. Aside from this nothing else. Ive tried taking him to get reevaluated but when he’s there his behavior changes completely and I leave being told that the help he is receiving now is enough., No he doesn’t and when he does he doesn’t get physically aggressive. He either runs out of the house and we chase after him or will lock himself in the bathroom, Can you tell us what you HAVE tried?, Does he act out for his father?, Are you and the ex in a good enough position for co-parenting? So that when he’s upset you can speak with his dad and present a unified front? I’ve also got the feeling he’s figured out how to get under your skin and what behaviors he can get away with right? I would ask the therapist about a positive behavior support plan. But also the smear feces and urinating make sure he has a hand in cleaning that up. Even if it’s going through a week later and scrubbing the floor after everything has been cleaned up. If he is cognizant enough of that hitting others is unacceptable, doesn’t have memory issues and he hits you, you have to make sure there is consequence. Such as sending him to his room, revoking of a special privilege etc. Also level with him, assure him that you love him and be honest about your worries for his future. If he hits you ask him how he’d feel if you did the same. And let him know if he’s an adult that does that he may end up in jail. As for the not exhibiting proper hygiene, he’s on the cusp of puberty and it’s a control thing. Note that you encourage him. Maybe have a movie night and watch Big Daddy, when they have the scene about being smelly, subtly drop that that’s such great advice, and just be frank with him. Few people want to sit next to someone if they think they’re unclean., Needs Full-Time ABA with a 1 on 1 Para-Professional supplemented with OT.

If your at 10 Puberty and Growth Spurts are a variable. ASD LO’s will never meet NT demands placed on them due to biological differences in how they process information, emotion, and social cues.

Our LO is ASD 3 Non-Verbal 3 but ABA has been amazing.

How intensive was their ABA and how consistent did you stick it out because its a multi-year commitment like 5+, I’ve tried ABA therapy primarily. He was there for a few years. Then I had the city intervene because of problems at school and they removed him from ABA therapy and into regular psychotherapy. He’s seeing a psychiatrist who’s helped calm down the severity of the tantrums with medication. He has a social worker, psychiatrist and a regular therapist that work with him. Aside from this nothing else. Ive tried taking him to get reevaluated but when he’s there his behavior changes completely and I leave being told that the help he is receiving now is enough., No he doesn’t and when he does he doesn’t get physically aggressive. He either runs out of the house and we chase after him or will lock himself in the bathroom, Can you tell us what you HAVE tried?, Does he act out for his father?, Are you and the ex in a good enough position for co-parenting? So that when he’s upset you can speak with his dad and present a unified front? I’ve also got the feeling he’s figured out how to get under your skin and what behaviors he can get away with right? I would ask the therapist about a positive behavior support plan. But also the smear feces and urinating make sure he has a hand in cleaning that up. Even if it’s going through a week later and scrubbing the floor after everything has been cleaned up. If he is cognizant enough of that hitting others is unacceptable, doesn’t have memory issues and he hits you, you have to make sure there is consequence. Such as sending him to his room, revoking of a special privilege etc. Also level with him, assure him that you love him and be honest about your worries for his future. If he hits you ask him how he’d feel if you did the same. And let him know if he’s an adult that does that he may end up in jail. As for the not exhibiting proper hygiene, he’s on the cusp of puberty and it’s a control thing. Note that you encourage him. Maybe have a movie night and watch Big Daddy, when they have the scene about being smelly, subtly drop that that’s such great advice, and just be frank with him. Few people want to sit next to someone if they think they’re unclean., Needs Full-Time ABA with a 1 on 1 Para-Professional supplemented with OT.

If your at 10 Puberty and Growth Spurts are a variable. ASD LO’s will never meet NT demands placed on them due to biological differences in how they process information, emotion, and social cues.

Our LO is ASD 3 Non-Verbal 3 but ABA has been amazing.

How intensive was their ABA and how consistent did you stick it out because its a multi-year commitment like 5+, I’ve tried ABA therapy primarily. He was there for a few years. Then I had the city intervene because of problems at school and they removed him from ABA therapy and into regular psychotherapy. He’s seeing a psychiatrist who’s helped calm down the severity of the tantrums with medication. He has a social worker, psychiatrist and a regular therapist that work with him. Aside from this nothing else. Ive tried taking him to get reevaluated but when he’s there his behavior changes completely and I leave being told that the help he is receiving now is enough., No he doesn’t and when he does he doesn’t get physically aggressive. He either runs out of the house and we chase after him or will lock himself in the bathroom",Support,Challenging Behavior
We need to teach our autistic 2 (almost 3) year old to wear a mask. He has pulmonary problems and we have a baby coming in early February. We want to limit the spread of illness into our home to protect them both as much as we can. But he struggles with wearing things on his head already. Basically any extra layers are a battle. How do you help get an almost 3 year old to learn to tolerate a mask? And how to help him remember to cough into elbow? Thanks!,"My little guys hates new things (new hats, new shoes etc.) so the worst part is the beginning until they get used to it. One you can find some fun printed surgical masks for kids, maybe he can pick it out? We used to call it his superhero mask which made him more open to it. Do that have a favourite character or stuffy? You can role play putting the mask on the stuffy so they stay safe., My son/DIL had my grandson (Level 2 ASD, adhd) wear one for a few minutes daily, then gradually increased the time. They did it when he was doing something he really enjoyed. He eventually was able to tolerate a mask for about 20 minutes, but that took a long time to accomplish. It turned out that the airline didn’t require a mask, so he never had to wear it.
 Regarding coughing into his elbow, he’s almost 7, and still doesn’t do that lol, My son hated masking during covid. Only after it calmed down did we try again, and he was a little older than three. He actually used it no problem. Kinda like a light switch. 

I would just try it in small doses. See if you can connect it with something fun maybe., If he's asd, is it a textural thing that he doesn't tolerate? As for the coughing in elbow, maybe try showing him yourself and show him how with his own elbow. Try and make a game out of it and maybe give him something like stickers or something for each time he does it correctly., During the pandemic we got cool masks that helped a lot, Can try the old school handkerchief type of approach. Been working on it with my 5 yo since he refuses anything else",Treatment,Teaching Skills
"She’s seven and she asked me about 6 months ago if I had drank while I was pregnant with her and I told her no and asked why she was wondering that.  She told me she had read the signs by the cash register that said if you drink alcohol it can make your fetus sick or injured and she thought maybe that’s why she had autism.  I was able to keep it together and reassured her in all the ways that’s she’s not damaged or injured, no one did anything to cause this it’s just a version of humans that occurs in nature.  She was fine with that and moved on.  I cried on my husband for a while when we were alone 

Last week she asked me if she had all her vaccines and I said yes.  I thought she was worried her next Dr apt would have shots and she was curious but then she asked calmly just said (to herself mostly) then that’s probably why I have autism.  I did the reassuring mom stuff again, great performance to give myself credit, shut down all the propaganda and asked where she heard it (YouTube of course, parental controls adjusted) 

Has anyone else experienced this?  What do you say to them?  How do you keep your composure?  I reassure her and in the back of my mind I know I also play the “did this cause it?” even though I know that’s not how this works   So how do we all explain that?","One thing I tell my daughter all the time is that ""without an enemy our anger gets confused."" Our anger wants to blame someone or something when we feel it. So at that point we can introduce ""the situation"" as a noun that's perfectly ok to be angry with. I've explained that everybody wants to know what the cause of autism is, but it's very complicated and scientists don't agree on everything yet. So we need more time. We can't do anything to change that stuff. Scientists are working on figuring out the why of it, we can change what we do to accept it, work on things to make the changes we want, and say the mantra ""I have a neurodivergent brain, but neurodivergent is not who I am."" It's a daily pep talk, but it's part of being a special needs parent. Be gentle, let her know how she's feeling is natural and ok, and let her know she has your support in facing any challenges she has to face. She's not alone., She’s awfully aware for 7. Be proud. You, I just say that’s nonsense. If my stepdaughter asks why she has autism I just say brains are different and that’s okay.

Just tel then the truth. Be calm and frank. The propaganda nonsense she hears has no base in facts or reality so just clarify that for her.

“Did vaccines cause my autism?” No, honey. Vaccines keep your body safe from some really bad diseases and help protect others around us. If someone tells you vaccines are bad then they are mistaken.” End of discussion. 

“Did ibuprofen cause my autism?” No, honey. There is no scientific conclusion drawn between any medications taken during pregnancy and autism. Some brains just develop differently and that’s ok.” End of discussion.

“Mommy, did aliens abduct you while I was in your belly and inject me with autism?” No, honey. We don’t have a reason why you have autism. Sometimes things just happen but you are perfect the way you are. Your brain is different and that’s good- different people change the world.

You didn’t do anything, the medical community didn’t do anything, there is no conspiracy, there is no reason. People are born differently. We have different brains, perspectives, and understandings of our world. Screens do not cause autism. Drug use during pregnancy does not cause autism. Autism is genetic, it is a neurological condition, and it comes with challenges. That is all okay and just a grouping of facts. Feel free to reassure her that no mistakes were made- she was born to be the person she is and she is perfect that way., Neurodivergence runs in my husband's family. My husband has a ADHD diagnosis and may be on the spectrum himself. His older brother was diagnosed with ASD as an adult. Two of his nephews are autistic. Our son has always accepted genetics as the reason he is autistic and that he inherited his neurodivergence from his father just like he got brown hair from me and is going to be tall like my husband. It's just how it is and he is turning 13 this month and is pretty confident in knowing this., I think you handled it pretty well. I would have done the same. Good job mom!

I also have a clever girl (she's 10 now) who has the toughest questions, always profound and not easy to answer (especially about death)., That's really depressing, that a kid can be hurt by stupid conspiracy theories like that and think that they're broken. God that pisses me off. People love to use us as a way to spread their bullshit without keeping in mind the very harmful affects it has on real autistic people. Especially autistic kids who might not fully understand why they are who they are yet. These conspiracy theories are all fun and games for some, but they do lead to actual harm to autistic people., Sounds like your daughter is really smart! And unfortunately she’s getting the message that there’s something wrong with her. You did an awesome job reassuring her in both instances, but do you think she could handle more? 

My son has adhd and autism, and his dad and aunt have adhd. So a lot of the positive self talk we do is based around “your brain is cool and different and artistic like Dada’s and aunties.” He idolizes his aunt- so how could anything she has be bad? I also have made sure to introduce him to some cool Temple Grandin clips (using YouTube for good) “Different, not less” etc. I assume as my son gets older he’ll want to know the science of it a little more. But luckily he hasn’t been confronted with any of the stupid antivax nonsense yet., I haven't read a single other thing than your subject line and I'm just coming to hug you.  Hug hug hug., You handled the situation so beautifully. You’re lucky to have one another and you’re such a good mama!, I had a weird-ish question from my 5 year old today, and I’m thinking it’s probably just the beginning. My kid knows that he’s autistic, I’m autistic, and grandpa (my father) is autistic and it runs in our family. I’m a solo mom, his biological father has been referred to as a donor after a surprise pregnancy where he expressed strong negative feelings toward fatherhood. Anyway, today he asked if the male donor was autistic and when I answered yes he said “oh that must be why I’m autistic” like it required two autistic people to create an autistic child. So that was interesting to explain. My point in sharing this is mostly that I think that there will be many uncomfortable questions from kids as they start to explore and understand the world. It sounds like you did an excellent job answering her questions. I’m sure there will be more questions, but you’ll answer them just as well., My son is only 2 and doesn’t have the words to talk about these feelings yet. But I will remember everything you all have said when/if the time does come. But my older daughter who is 12 asked me a few weeks ago if the reason her little brother has ASD is because she let him fall off the bed when he was a baby. She was playing with him and had put him on the outside of her bed instead of the inside when he was about 6 months old and it was a bad fall but clearly couldn’t cause his autism. It broke my heart to think she may have been carrying that guilt for 18 months. We reassured her that it was just how he was made and that’s why he’s our perfect little guy., I’m seriously crying just thinking about how this sweet child thought about this sign at the store, So this has come up with my 9 yr old son and the first thing I did was ask him why he was asking. This helped direct me on how I should answer. He was really asking if there was something ""wrong"" with him and if it was because he was /or that it made him ""bad.""  We do NOT use this type of language but he heard it somewhere and was worried.  I made sure to acknowledge his feelings and worries.  We then talked about how that isn't the case.  We talked about how we don't know why some people are born with autism, just like we don't know why some people are born with learning disabilities.  That doesn't make the people wrong or bad.  We talked about how science has figured out that people with autism have brains that are wired differently from people who do not.  That his brain is physically different from someone without autism. And that's ok. We talked about how the way his brain is wired allows him to do things that people without autism tend to struggle with.  And that the reverse is true as well. 

It helped that most members of my family are LD so I was able to use people he knows and loves as examples.

I hope this helps., I just came across a cool kids book about genetics. (""Grow: Secrets of Our DNA) I'd get a book or two explaining the idea of genetics, and mention that a lot of the time autism is genetic. It's just part of your recipe. It's not something that happened to you, just something you are. 

Then maybe follow it up with one of the kid books about Temple Grandin, to spin her focus toward role models. Try to find other ways to talk about autism in positive examples, not exclusively in moments when it's causing her distress., You’re lucky you can even have this conversation.  My son is non verbal.  I took medication when I was pregnant including paracetamol and epilepsy medication.  The guilt is very very strong with me., [removed], Just tell her if that really happened, then she would’ve had fetal alcohol syndrome, Thank you so much for the quote at the beginning, it immediately resonated with my brain.  I always try to focus on “has autism” not “is autistic” and I do think that’s so important.  

We all want to know what causes it and I see some adults with WILD theories so it’s not surprising she is trying to draw all the points together.  The brain is a prediction machine lol, She’s so smart and so clever, like a little magpie that lives in my house lol, *stand up slow clap*, I’m definitely crying reading this.  Thank you for every single thing you said here (I may have been abducted, we don’t have a double blind study disproving that yet lol), Beautiful explanation!!, I teared up when I read this. This is exactly how I have been trying to explain things to my son who is waiting to be tested. It made me feel like I'm on the right path with him., Thank us very comforting, thank you.  My husband also has autism and so do his dad and brothers so it is comforting to know I can remind her it’s a family trait and not an anomaly, My sister died last April and my daughter had some of the most healing questions.   “Do you think aunt XX is feeling better now?  I bet her body feels a lot better”  yeah lambchop, I do, It was very heartbreaking and hard to not be sad in front of her or angry (a secondary emotion) and instead brush it off like it’s just nonsense.  Comfort her and send her along. Knowing that real adults in positions of power still push this narrative and she’s going to question this again because of their fear mongering bullshit., And for the record : even if it did cause autism I would still vaccinate.  A child with autism is not “worse” than a dead child or a child crippled with polio or dying from whooping cough, I absolutely agree and hate how much attention ignorant people receive spreading misinformation., My husband also has autism so it’s been (thankfully) useful to say that she got the same kind of brain as her dad and focus on the things that they are both so so good at and their strengths.  I think she feels “othered” only because of her aides and her therapies at school.  I know her classmates have had a lot of education about autism too (not focused as about my daughter but just educational) her peers are very inclusive

I’m going to look up the “different but not less” thank you!, Annnnd I’m crying again

Thank you, my mom told me my daughter needs super nanny and not an iep.   I will take all hugs pls., I love watching the kids try and form these conclusions.  Like if you have X and I X and my bio dad has X then that’s probably how it works.  I bet he asks you questions that keep you on your toes your whole life.  His bio dad is missing out on some golden life moments but if he’s not 100% in then you’re right, stay away from the kid.  My teen asks me the normal uncomfortable questions, the ones I ca. google or ask my sisters how to handle.  My little magpie however, she asks questions that will shut down a table of adults.  She will question the very nature of our family dynamics because she has no baseline for our behavior.  I remember the first time she did egg dying for Easter and she SPIKED the egg into the dye water from two feet away from the table and then shrugged her shoulders and left.  It IS a weird thing to do randomly in April lol, Oh baby girl 😭 how long did she keep that worry in her head that she causes her brothers autism.  Poor lambchop.  I’m so glad she said it out loud to you and got that off her mind and didn’t carry that forever., She carried it in her head for nearly a week too :(, Thank you for the book recommendation!  I’ll send it to the used book store guy and see if he can get me a copy!  You’re the second person to mention Grandin, I must be missing out!

I’ve signed her up for another therapist that is going to focus on behavioral health and mainly on her anxiety.  I feel I’ve overlooked classic signs of anxiety disorder and just assumed it was an autism trait or just part of her processing pattern but it starting to be debilitating for her sometimes.  And, obviously, it’s leading to a lot of questions like this too., I also took Tylenol and epilepsy medicine (though it was for mental illness) while pregnant. Neither of those things caused my daughter to be autistic. Neither of those things caused your son to be autistic. 

It’s genetics. I’ve never been tested but I’m likely level 1. Same with my older brother. My daughter is level 1. My half sister is level 2 or 3, not sure which as she’s a couple of decades younger than me. 

None of this is the direct consequence of something you did or didn’t do when you were pregnant. 

Try to remember that., I wish I could say anything to ease that guilt for you.  My daughter went through a regression at about 3 years old and transitioned to non verbal.  I understand (only to a small extent) that feeling of wanting to hear their voice.  I do remain grateful always to hear her ask me questions or whine or yell.  It is a privilege.  I hope you know how much your son loves you.  My daughter doesn’t ever say I love you (well, to their sibling) but she writes it everywhere now.  Notes all the time.  How old is your son?, This is not at all how autism works., Vaccines do not cause autism. That is not a belief. It is objectively, scientifically proven by multiple studies. 

https://www.cdc.gov/vaccinesafety/concerns/autism.html, Lmao OP ignore this absolute lunatic. Vaccines are safe and do not cause autism., SHUT UPPPP, Your account is one day old and you’re posting in conspiracy subs., Sorry it took me an hour to get to this guys.  I love the support you all gave correcting this misinformation., this is utter hogwash, [deleted], The quote is from my wife and I's favorite musician Elliott Smith in the song ""Easy Way Out."" Our son who also has ASD, is named Elliott after him., I'm not autistic, but I was born with disabilities. I deeply disagree with saying your child ""has autism"" versus saying she ""is autistic"". She is autistic. That's how she was born. I am a premie. There is nothing I can change about how I was born and the struggles it has given me, but it's not a disease anyone can cure. It's just how I am. It's no different than being left handed. 

For me, I don't want my child to think of being autistic as a disease. It's not something she should thing of as curing in the same way that a very short or very tall person can't cure their height. I get the other person found some hope in what he said, but I just don't know why. If I kept searching for a cure for my visual processing problems, my hearing sensitivity, the way my joints aren't quite right and more I don't know how I could find peace. I already have to limit how much I read up on the autoimmune disease I have and that is an affliction that just came into my life last year and I just have to hope I either die of old age before it kills me or they find medicine to cure it instead of just slow it down like now., Thank you, that's what I say to people who are concerned about vaccines causing Autism. I'm happy being an Autistic adult now that I know that there are other people like me and I have found my tribe of ND friends. Neurodivergent people actually get along really well with each other because we have the same ND communication style and like the same things., She is seven. How did this reach her through very very good parental controls?  I mean the internet is never actually safe but someone is targeting kid demographic if it popped up on her algorithm., You're doing everything right, you're thinking all the right things. You get all the credit for any effort, and what fails short is not your fault. You're literally doing an amazing job and I admire you for these deep thoughts., Thank you 


Thankfully I’m firm enough in my beliefs based in science to not be swayed by this but someone could be!  Yelling fire in a crowded theatre is a crime.  Fear mongering bull shut.  Intentionally hurtful while I’m being vulnerable.  Thanks a lot man., Hey I’m sorry I responded so strongly, that wasn’t called for.  I know it came from a good place., My husband has autism and he prefers person first language and so I use it for my daughter that way also.  I absolutely see your perspective too though.  I hope you have lots of love around you, I would chose my autistic daughter, alive, just like this over any fear of anything.  I would swim though the deepest darkest water and I would trust my pediatrician when he tells me he has my daughters best interest and health in his heart., Have you read neurotribes?  It’s fascinating and about these micro societies of autistic people and how they group together and form their own cohesive and comfortable existences.  Like it’s own language and social cues and behaviors.  I have a great network of humans around me, since middle school and we are all about 35/37 now.  A dozen of us have stayed very close even though we are all quite different.  Careers, families, religion, diet, hobbies … all different.  Not a ton of overlap.  We always all wonder what keeps us together besides just love.  We ALL have autism.  One by one by one we’ve all been tested and diagnosed and quietly told the group.  We all have children with autism (4/7 of the children so far).  Finding your community is such a deeply connection feeling and I hope all of our children fund this peace., 🥺 thank you 😭, Everyone is entitled to use the terminology they choose that makes them feel the most comfortable.      
    

I try to remember that a person “has cancer” or “has diabetes” or “has an autoimmune disorder” but a blind person does not “have blindness” they are blind. A deaf person doesn’t sign, “I have deafness.” They sign, “I am deaf.”     
    
It’s a really tough one, and I’ve been on both sides of the argument. For now, I say that I’m a parent who is autistic raising a child who is autistic.   
   
Edit to fix typos, thanks autocorrect 😂, No, thanks for letting me know about it, It’s very very good but if you do read it go very slowly.  There are graphic descriptions of (antiquated) ABA therapies right out of the gate.  I cried four times in the first 100 pages and it’s on time out for a couple days now.  Heavy but important stuff., Oof okay thanks for letting me know",Support,Causes of Autism
"I’ve heard the horror stories and the success stories. How do I find my daughter a good ABA therapy clinic? Key words I should be looking for on their websites that are green flags or red flags?

I don’t want her to have her stimming trained out or any of that painful stuff I read. I do want her to learn to communicate and enjoy herself. I’ve read some amazing stories on here so I appreciate all advice.","When we were searching, it was in the middle of covid, so it was slim pickings. We started off with an in home aba therapist, and she eas the bcba. She was great, and we were home with my son, so we supervised it all and directly involved 95 % of the time. 

We had her for a few months, then she  had to move! 
We found a great aba center, but basically, from hearing good and bad stories, I just had conversations with the providers when I was  looking for them. I had about 5 really good conversations, and they all had similar things to say. Modern aba really isn't anything like it used to be. Almost needs to be called another name. 

I found a center based provider, and they were awesome. Along with 2 good phone calls, just chatting about Aba, their philosophy, what they do with the kids.  We had a visit to bring our son, and he got to play and check things out. Then, on our intake day filling out all the paperwork, he got to play again and work with another boy.  

I just recommend talking and having those conversations.   You can feel them out in a good 10 - to 15-minute call.  If they don't want to talk and make you comfortable, I'd be nervous., I have 2 kids who go to ABA and they’ve been going for a year now. My level 3 4 year old still stims and that was a big thing talked about when starting. 

Green flag for me was the centers that let and allow you in and to come in the room and see your child/drop them off. 

Don’t be afraid to say something if you feel the tech working with your child isn’t a good fit and the sooner they can get you someone who works good with your child, the better!, When we were searching, it was in the middle of covid, so it was slim pickings. We started off with an in home aba therapist, and she eas the bcba. She was great, and we were home with my son, so we supervised it all and directly involved 95 % of the time. 

We had her for a few months, then she  had to move! 
We found a great aba center, but basically, from hearing good and bad stories, I just had conversations with the providers when I was  looking for them. I had about 5 really good conversations, and they all had similar things to say. Modern aba really isn't anything like it used to be. Almost needs to be called another name. 

I found a center based provider, and they were awesome. Along with 2 good phone calls, just chatting about Aba, their philosophy, what they do with the kids.  We had a visit to bring our son, and he got to play and check things out. Then, on our intake day filling out all the paperwork, he got to play again and work with another boy.  

I just recommend talking and having those conversations.   You can feel them out in a good 10 - to 15-minute call.  If they don't want to talk and make you comfortable, I'd be nervous., I have 2 kids who go to ABA and they’ve been going for a year now. My level 3 4 year old still stims and that was a big thing talked about when starting. 

Green flag for me was the centers that let and allow you in and to come in the room and see your child/drop them off. 

Don’t be afraid to say something if you feel the tech working with your child isn’t a good fit and the sooner they can get you someone who works good with your child, the better!, When we were searching, it was in the middle of covid, so it was slim pickings. We started off with an in home aba therapist, and she eas the bcba. She was great, and we were home with my son, so we supervised it all and directly involved 95 % of the time. 

We had her for a few months, then she  had to move! 
We found a great aba center, but basically, from hearing good and bad stories, I just had conversations with the providers when I was  looking for them. I had about 5 really good conversations, and they all had similar things to say. Modern aba really isn't anything like it used to be. Almost needs to be called another name. 

I found a center based provider, and they were awesome. Along with 2 good phone calls, just chatting about Aba, their philosophy, what they do with the kids.  We had a visit to bring our son, and he got to play and check things out. Then, on our intake day filling out all the paperwork, he got to play again and work with another boy.  

I just recommend talking and having those conversations.   You can feel them out in a good 10 - to 15-minute call.  If they don't want to talk and make you comfortable, I'd be nervous., I have 2 kids who go to ABA and they’ve been going for a year now. My level 3 4 year old still stims and that was a big thing talked about when starting. 

Green flag for me was the centers that let and allow you in and to come in the room and see your child/drop them off. 

Don’t be afraid to say something if you feel the tech working with your child isn’t a good fit and the sooner they can get you someone who works good with your child, the better!, When we were searching, it was in the middle of covid, so it was slim pickings. We started off with an in home aba therapist, and she eas the bcba. She was great, and we were home with my son, so we supervised it all and directly involved 95 % of the time. 

We had her for a few months, then she  had to move! 
We found a great aba center, but basically, from hearing good and bad stories, I just had conversations with the providers when I was  looking for them. I had about 5 really good conversations, and they all had similar things to say. Modern aba really isn't anything like it used to be. Almost needs to be called another name. 

I found a center based provider, and they were awesome. Along with 2 good phone calls, just chatting about Aba, their philosophy, what they do with the kids.  We had a visit to bring our son, and he got to play and check things out. Then, on our intake day filling out all the paperwork, he got to play again and work with another boy.  

I just recommend talking and having those conversations.   You can feel them out in a good 10 - to 15-minute call.  If they don't want to talk and make you comfortable, I'd be nervous., I have 2 kids who go to ABA and they’ve been going for a year now. My level 3 4 year old still stims and that was a big thing talked about when starting. 

Green flag for me was the centers that let and allow you in and to come in the room and see your child/drop them off. 

Don’t be afraid to say something if you feel the tech working with your child isn’t a good fit and the sooner they can get you someone who works good with your child, the better!",Treatment,Therapy Advice
"My son is almost 6 years old and was diagnosed with ADHD and level 2 autism. He has a speech disorder which makes communication very hard for him as it’s difficult to understand what he is saying most of the time. He started pre K early so he was in Pre K two years in a row. The first year in pre k was difficult but the second year he got a lot better. He is now in kindergarten and though he has grown so much the teachers and staff don’t think he’s ready for 1st grade. So here are some of the options we have: 
- He starts first grade with the general population and gets an aid provided(teachers think he won’t succeed and will fall behind)
- He starts special education (predicted to be fine but won’t graduate with a regular high school diploma)
- He redoes Kindergarten (Teachers think this will help since he eventually grasps the information but is just more delayed then his peers. My concern is having him fall behind and and possibly needing to repeat every grade he enters) 
- He stays home and I homeschool him and attempt to get him caught up and on the path to graduate with at regular high school diploma. ( This is scary because my son doesn’t listen to me half of the time and I’ll be starting grad school but I’m sure if I committed I could make it work somehow someway ) 

The doctor also wanted him to be on adderal since he was 3.5 years old but we never gave it to him. We are starting to consider the adderal but we are apprehensive because the possible long term effects such as having ticks and what not. 

The main reason they think he won’t do well in first grade is because our son only participates when he wants to. So some days he does great but other days he simply chooses to not do anything and has a meltdown when teachers ask him to do his work.","If he starts in special ed, is there anyway to transfer to a regular school later? My child has severe speech intelligibility issues and I have been weighing the same issues that you are. For me, the most important thing is to (1) get my son the treatment he needs to succeed and (2) make sure that any decision I make now doesn’t cut off future opportunities. Where I am, some schools have the option to take three years to do first and second grade - and this is what I’m leaning towards so that hopefully give my child some extra time to improve his speech and figure put where he stands intellectually and what he can realistically achieve academically., Hi, your son sounds so much like my 6 yo daughter. She is falling far behind on reading in kindergarten because she sometimes doesn't participate and is frequently out of the classroom (she elopes or she gets disregulated and has to go to another room with a different adult). Do you have an IEP if you are in the US? We are working through the steps to get one but it is a slow process. I sometimes wonder if I should transition to home school because she responds better to 1:1 learning. But for now we think we will do extended school year (another option to consider if available to you) with extra tutoring over the summer. Over this process, which is so stressful for all parents, I've decided I'm not going to overthink the later years of school and the impacts these modifications will have. I just want my daughter to receive free appropriate public education (which is protected by law) and she will learn at the speed that she needs, and I'll do everything to advocate for her to get the right set of accommodations. Another question to ask is does your school district have a philosophy of keeping special education as integrated as possible with the general education cohort? This seems like a critical and welcome improvement to how special education was handled 30 years or so ago. Many kids in the general education classroom receive services through special education. So there may be options that straddle the ""stay with general education"" and ""move to special education but don't get HS diploma."", Wow, that’s really interesting. I think that would be a great option for my son if that was available to us. What state do you live in if you don’t mind me asking. You can DM if needed. I am moving to Missouri so I’ll ask if their schools have anything like that. I personally think my son just needs more time too and everything will fall into place. Thanks so much for your reply, Yes he has an IEP. The IEP meeting is where they told us they recommend special education for first grade. The extended school year was also offered to us. We are moving out of state so we hope the new school offers ESY too because we definitely would like to see if that will help. Thanks for bringing up if special education follows the general education cohort. I will definitely be sure to ask this so we can make a more informed decision. 

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply :) good luck to you and your little one ❤️❤️, If he starts in special ed, is there anyway to transfer to a regular school later? My child has severe speech intelligibility issues and I have been weighing the same issues that you are. For me, the most important thing is to (1) get my son the treatment he needs to succeed and (2) make sure that any decision I make now doesn’t cut off future opportunities. Where I am, some schools have the option to take three years to do first and second grade - and this is what I’m leaning towards so that hopefully give my child some extra time to improve his speech and figure put where he stands intellectually and what he can realistically achieve academically., Hi, your son sounds so much like my 6 yo daughter. She is falling far behind on reading in kindergarten because she sometimes doesn't participate and is frequently out of the classroom (she elopes or she gets disregulated and has to go to another room with a different adult). Do you have an IEP if you are in the US? We are working through the steps to get one but it is a slow process. I sometimes wonder if I should transition to home school because she responds better to 1:1 learning. But for now we think we will do extended school year (another option to consider if available to you) with extra tutoring over the summer. Over this process, which is so stressful for all parents, I've decided I'm not going to overthink the later years of school and the impacts these modifications will have. I just want my daughter to receive free appropriate public education (which is protected by law) and she will learn at the speed that she needs, and I'll do everything to advocate for her to get the right set of accommodations. Another question to ask is does your school district have a philosophy of keeping special education as integrated as possible with the general education cohort? This seems like a critical and welcome improvement to how special education was handled 30 years or so ago. Many kids in the general education classroom receive services through special education. So there may be options that straddle the ""stay with general education"" and ""move to special education but don't get HS diploma."", Wow, that’s really interesting. I think that would be a great option for my son if that was available to us. What state do you live in if you don’t mind me asking. You can DM if needed. I am moving to Missouri so I’ll ask if their schools have anything like that. I personally think my son just needs more time too and everything will fall into place. Thanks so much for your reply, Yes he has an IEP. The IEP meeting is where they told us they recommend special education for first grade. The extended school year was also offered to us. We are moving out of state so we hope the new school offers ESY too because we definitely would like to see if that will help. Thanks for bringing up if special education follows the general education cohort. I will definitely be sure to ask this so we can make a more informed decision. 

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply :) good luck to you and your little one ❤️❤️, If he starts in special ed, is there anyway to transfer to a regular school later? My child has severe speech intelligibility issues and I have been weighing the same issues that you are. For me, the most important thing is to (1) get my son the treatment he needs to succeed and (2) make sure that any decision I make now doesn’t cut off future opportunities. Where I am, some schools have the option to take three years to do first and second grade - and this is what I’m leaning towards so that hopefully give my child some extra time to improve his speech and figure put where he stands intellectually and what he can realistically achieve academically., Hi, your son sounds so much like my 6 yo daughter. She is falling far behind on reading in kindergarten because she sometimes doesn't participate and is frequently out of the classroom (she elopes or she gets disregulated and has to go to another room with a different adult). Do you have an IEP if you are in the US? We are working through the steps to get one but it is a slow process. I sometimes wonder if I should transition to home school because she responds better to 1:1 learning. But for now we think we will do extended school year (another option to consider if available to you) with extra tutoring over the summer. Over this process, which is so stressful for all parents, I've decided I'm not going to overthink the later years of school and the impacts these modifications will have. I just want my daughter to receive free appropriate public education (which is protected by law) and she will learn at the speed that she needs, and I'll do everything to advocate for her to get the right set of accommodations. Another question to ask is does your school district have a philosophy of keeping special education as integrated as possible with the general education cohort? This seems like a critical and welcome improvement to how special education was handled 30 years or so ago. Many kids in the general education classroom receive services through special education. So there may be options that straddle the ""stay with general education"" and ""move to special education but don't get HS diploma."", Wow, that’s really interesting. I think that would be a great option for my son if that was available to us. What state do you live in if you don’t mind me asking. You can DM if needed. I am moving to Missouri so I’ll ask if their schools have anything like that. I personally think my son just needs more time too and everything will fall into place. Thanks so much for your reply, Yes he has an IEP. The IEP meeting is where they told us they recommend special education for first grade. The extended school year was also offered to us. We are moving out of state so we hope the new school offers ESY too because we definitely would like to see if that will help. Thanks for bringing up if special education follows the general education cohort. I will definitely be sure to ask this so we can make a more informed decision. 

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply :) good luck to you and your little one ❤️❤️, If he starts in special ed, is there anyway to transfer to a regular school later? My child has severe speech intelligibility issues and I have been weighing the same issues that you are. For me, the most important thing is to (1) get my son the treatment he needs to succeed and (2) make sure that any decision I make now doesn’t cut off future opportunities. Where I am, some schools have the option to take three years to do first and second grade - and this is what I’m leaning towards so that hopefully give my child some extra time to improve his speech and figure put where he stands intellectually and what he can realistically achieve academically., Hi, your son sounds so much like my 6 yo daughter. She is falling far behind on reading in kindergarten because she sometimes doesn't participate and is frequently out of the classroom (she elopes or she gets disregulated and has to go to another room with a different adult). Do you have an IEP if you are in the US? We are working through the steps to get one but it is a slow process. I sometimes wonder if I should transition to home school because she responds better to 1:1 learning. But for now we think we will do extended school year (another option to consider if available to you) with extra tutoring over the summer. Over this process, which is so stressful for all parents, I've decided I'm not going to overthink the later years of school and the impacts these modifications will have. I just want my daughter to receive free appropriate public education (which is protected by law) and she will learn at the speed that she needs, and I'll do everything to advocate for her to get the right set of accommodations. Another question to ask is does your school district have a philosophy of keeping special education as integrated as possible with the general education cohort? This seems like a critical and welcome improvement to how special education was handled 30 years or so ago. Many kids in the general education classroom receive services through special education. So there may be options that straddle the ""stay with general education"" and ""move to special education but don't get HS diploma."", Wow, that’s really interesting. I think that would be a great option for my son if that was available to us. What state do you live in if you don’t mind me asking. You can DM if needed. I am moving to Missouri so I’ll ask if their schools have anything like that. I personally think my son just needs more time too and everything will fall into place. Thanks so much for your reply, Yes he has an IEP. The IEP meeting is where they told us they recommend special education for first grade. The extended school year was also offered to us. We are moving out of state so we hope the new school offers ESY too because we definitely would like to see if that will help. Thanks for bringing up if special education follows the general education cohort. I will definitely be sure to ask this so we can make a more informed decision. 

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply :) good luck to you and your little one ❤️❤️",Treatment,Education
"Some Background:
My son is going to be 5 at the end of May.  He was not given a level at diagnosis. I also suspect he has severe ADHD.  He has a developmental drs appointment April 12 finally after being on a wait list and having them cancel on me due to an error on their part. They likely won’t diagnose with ADHD this visit as I am told they don’t diagnose until 6 for that.. 

I am 33, just diagnosed with ADHD and on medication for it.  Trying to navigate this diagnosis but I have always suspected I was ND. I am a single parent and it’s just us up here. His father takes him every other weekend for a night and a day. I work from home full time and have a very demanding job. 

Reason for Post:
So I don’t remember how long this has been happening but my son every single night without fail bangs his head on his door until i come in his room and lay with him until he falls asleep. This is the only time he bangs his head. He also used to refuse to sleep in his toddler bed and would prefer to sleep on the floor. After I cleaned my room he ended up starting to come into my room to sleep instead of me going to lay on the floor as it was easier to deal with that as I was not sleeping when he would make me lay with him until he fell back asleep (he would wake me up 2-3 times a night with me sleeping 2-3 hours a night). He used to come in anytime between 1-2am but it’s gotten earlier now anywhere from 9-11pm.

Last weekend I purchased him a full sized big boy bed in hopes he would sleep the night in it. I got 2 nights of him sleeping in his bed, was super excited and now he’s back to his old habits. This has legit taken any time I can have to myself away. I get him to sleep, clean up from dinner, clean his toys, then I shower, pack his lunch box and get our clothes out for the next day. After all this I try to unwind. However, now that he’s waking up earlier and earlier it gives me 2-3 hours and most of it is me doing end of the day chores. If I tell him to get back in his bed he melts down so badly, tries to bite himself and he’s so stubborn he will cry for 2 hours at a time. I can’t give him 110% if I do not take care of myself.

I am so tired at the end of the day, but I am willing to loose sleep short term if it gets him to stay in his bed all night moving forward . Has anyone else dealt with anything like this. And shares my view about independent sleeping? Any advice you’d be willing to share? 

TLDR: i am a single mom with adhd to an autistic almost 5 year old (with suspected severe adhd) who won’t stay in his bed at night which takes away from me unwinding after a long day. Any advice is welcomed. 

Edit: i give him melatonin (2.5 mg) at night and rub the roll on kids VAL magnesium on his feet. ","I got my kid a bed like this:

[Front Porch Bed](https://www.amazon.com/DONCO-Front-Porch-Rustic-Driftwood/dp/B07T5MLKKY/ref=sr_1_8?crid=GEKMGFMTPQNO&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.NnjBrwmJtoKACvOwOmc__sp6x-EWuFzaeZ9RYQ4KmYAH7AYkaf_PqwCw820DiymUU70gm76sEhbbNRjdfgVMK14z7AjULfCyHiRHjdA5RMCQNfql8ddoMvOzxprY73DpQoZ79Oue12gS-fZzwPtwmQ8Quytk7Z2jclufMp_eSC0WoqQXjgb6Up2jxk7-u2_zavD9Rc2fKMeMl6GQIRZsmr2EW8B8yQTazgC9iK57FfJpbFl7Znv9tfwGyw-HbblF8To-1mVXoB8_V5MUPMFmJPrOa_-HJZPhsIc4cIQ6XQg.MJ4UajHd-HHB35prlBwv2QwNXIWmb5Bgs9dmFz_dTSM&dib_tag=se&keywords=front+porch+bed&qid=1711310190&sprefix=front+porch+bed%2Caps%2C225&sr=8-8)

Then I shoved it in a corner, added a few weighted blankets, and added about 8 of the fluffiest king size pillows I could find. He's pretty good about sleeping in it, but he still has ocassional rough nights where he's up a lot, and he still ends up in my bed once every few months. I don't mind as much now, because it's rare and I actually miss my little baby (although I was *desperate* to get him OUT of my bed just like you are). 

When he's going through a rough sleeping stage, I also put him to bed a little later (1-1.5hr) than usual.  It minimizes the chance that he'll *fully* wake up in the middle of the night. He has never needed a ""normal"" amount of sleep. We also do melatonin (2mg), but not too early ...because he will wake right back up., I’m in the same boat with my four year old. Hasn’t slept in his own bed since Christmas Eve and that was only because he was worried about Santa coming. He says he’s afraid to be alone. It’s at the point I go to bed at 8 pm with him because he will just scream and cry if I do not. I am following because I desperately need him out of my bed., I had to make my sons room a place where we played and where he wanted to be and at first that meant us putting a TV in there…ya I’m sure parenting and autism experts would have a lot to say about that but it worked. His room became a fun place for him but then we found the tv being a distraction at bed so after consulting with an OT we had to create a bed time routine that doesn’t change and starts almost 30-45 minutes before bed maybe even an hour. We have visual aids that show what he has to do and as he does them they move (Velcro pieces on laminate) to the “done” section so he would have snack, have a bubble bath, brush teeth, pjs and then story time. Lights off, tv off (at least an hour before bed) and sometimes I have to read a dozen books but they are the same bed time books and he knows that means bed time. Sure he still gets me up 1-3 times a night just so I can tuck him in til he falls back asleep but sure beats how he would sleep in our bed or want to sleep on couch. Create routine, get some visual aids to describe the steps for bed or even look into books about bed time. My son loves Blippi and trucks so we found books about bedtime with Blippi and trucks going to sleep. Also we have a star projector on his ceiling that only comes on at night time so it’s a special and fun moment for him and establishes the routine. Wishing you well and that all of us can get some more sleep one day 😅, Hi there! We struggled with our kid waking up at 3 am ready to go for over a year. We tried cutting naps or later bedtime and still the same thing. Melatonin would get him to sleep but it would endure he’d wake up more rested at 2 am.

I would end up sleeping on the floor in front of his door in his room so I’d get sleep, he’d wouldn’t be any dangers, and eventually he’d get so bored he’d go back to sleep. This just got us by…

What I think helped the most was actually allergy meds zyxal of whatever. He’d then sleep until 6 am in his bed most nights.

The other thing I’ve heard of is magnesium gummies are supposed to help but I don’t have much experience with those., How about a bunk bed? Our oldest has a tough time sleeping alone, but we’ve successfully transitioned him to sleep on the top bunk while dad sleeps on the bottom. Our routine is bath/PJs/sillies with sister to get the wiggles out/books/bed. Then we check on him 3x 15 mins apart (not always needed)., We struggled a lot with this too. 

My stepson (6.5) shares a room with his mom during her time and during our time he has his own room. So you can already see the struggle. 

It took a lot of persistence. Every time he got up in the middle of the night his dad (my SO) would redirect him back to bed. We have a good routine with him to get ready for bed. And my SO used to stay in my stepsons room until he would fall asleep. Then he shortened that amount of time in his room until now my stepson falls asleep by himself and sleeps through most nights here. 

A big help too was this [Compression Sheet](https://a.co/d/eJHn1ae). It helps my stepson feel safe at night, sleep more soundly, and he gets so excited to crawl in bed at night!, That bed is so cute! Problem is he needs at least a full size because the hyper in him carries over into his sleep. He moves around so much and ends up sideways. 

Thanks for the advice about later sleeping. I can give that a try. He had a stage where he wouldn’t fall asleep at first took like 2 hours and ended up coming in 1/2am instead.. 

How close to bed do you do melatonin?, It’s chaos and I’m honestly at a loss.... I’ve asked his therapists and teachers and nothing… drs say “he will grow out of it” it’s been years LOL… and i am honestly shocked at the judgment i get for not being okay with him sleeping in my bed… i love my son, i understand he has autism. But he’s high functioning, very smart and i do believe it’s good for him to be independent in this aspect. We also need to take care of ourselves in order to give them 110%.. if we’re running on fumes then what good are we?, Ok here is the move I just tried and I’ll report back if it works: I went through all the weighted blankets on Amazon and he saw a glow in the dark space one and said “I will definitely sleep in my own bed with that”. I also added blocks to my cart and said “if you stay in your bed all night you get the blocks in the morning”. Straight up bribery but I’m losing my mind!!!, So he has the TV jn his room and i have it setup nice for him but he just dosent wanna be in there unless it’s bed time. LOL. I just stopped playing Disney lullabies because i believe that was keeping him up. We have a very strict routine as well but he FaceTimes his father before bed so im sure that screen isn’t helping… he gets too excited for books so he will stay up begging for more.. we got the night light star projector too..

Thank you so much! 
I will try the visual aids next to see if that works! I’ll literally try anything at this point.. 

Yeah apparently we won’t sleep until they’re 18 I’m told so we’ll see LOL!!, My son takes Allegra but i can switch over to xzyal and give that a try! 

I do use VAL kids magnesium roll on and roll it on his feet and between shoulder blades.. maybe he needs to try a liquid (he dosent like medicine or vitamin gummies)..

Thank you!!, We aim for half an hour before bedtime. My son used to be hyper in bed, too ...like thrashing around a lot of the time. We give him magnesium by mouth a few times a week (child life, liquid formula), and I think all the pillows and blankets help with that, too. I noticed when he slept with me he would always try to wedge himself under me., My son always likes to hide under the pillows and has to be like pushed against me and tries to move closer even though he has nowhere else to go LOL. I get that for sure. I do the magnesium rub on his feet and between shoulder blades at night it’s VAL kids magnesium roll on we use with chamomile and shea butter… I’ll have to try some other stuff too.

I’ll def try a bunch of pillows! He likes alot of blankets lol, I got my kid a bed like this:

[Front Porch Bed](https://www.amazon.com/DONCO-Front-Porch-Rustic-Driftwood/dp/B07T5MLKKY/ref=sr_1_8?crid=GEKMGFMTPQNO&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.NnjBrwmJtoKACvOwOmc__sp6x-EWuFzaeZ9RYQ4KmYAH7AYkaf_PqwCw820DiymUU70gm76sEhbbNRjdfgVMK14z7AjULfCyHiRHjdA5RMCQNfql8ddoMvOzxprY73DpQoZ79Oue12gS-fZzwPtwmQ8Quytk7Z2jclufMp_eSC0WoqQXjgb6Up2jxk7-u2_zavD9Rc2fKMeMl6GQIRZsmr2EW8B8yQTazgC9iK57FfJpbFl7Znv9tfwGyw-HbblF8To-1mVXoB8_V5MUPMFmJPrOa_-HJZPhsIc4cIQ6XQg.MJ4UajHd-HHB35prlBwv2QwNXIWmb5Bgs9dmFz_dTSM&dib_tag=se&keywords=front+porch+bed&qid=1711310190&sprefix=front+porch+bed%2Caps%2C225&sr=8-8)

Then I shoved it in a corner, added a few weighted blankets, and added about 8 of the fluffiest king size pillows I could find. He's pretty good about sleeping in it, but he still has ocassional rough nights where he's up a lot, and he still ends up in my bed once every few months. I don't mind as much now, because it's rare and I actually miss my little baby (although I was *desperate* to get him OUT of my bed just like you are). 

When he's going through a rough sleeping stage, I also put him to bed a little later (1-1.5hr) than usual.  It minimizes the chance that he'll *fully* wake up in the middle of the night. He has never needed a ""normal"" amount of sleep. We also do melatonin (2mg), but not too early ...because he will wake right back up., I’m in the same boat with my four year old. Hasn’t slept in his own bed since Christmas Eve and that was only because he was worried about Santa coming. He says he’s afraid to be alone. It’s at the point I go to bed at 8 pm with him because he will just scream and cry if I do not. I am following because I desperately need him out of my bed., I had to make my sons room a place where we played and where he wanted to be and at first that meant us putting a TV in there…ya I’m sure parenting and autism experts would have a lot to say about that but it worked. His room became a fun place for him but then we found the tv being a distraction at bed so after consulting with an OT we had to create a bed time routine that doesn’t change and starts almost 30-45 minutes before bed maybe even an hour. We have visual aids that show what he has to do and as he does them they move (Velcro pieces on laminate) to the “done” section so he would have snack, have a bubble bath, brush teeth, pjs and then story time. Lights off, tv off (at least an hour before bed) and sometimes I have to read a dozen books but they are the same bed time books and he knows that means bed time. Sure he still gets me up 1-3 times a night just so I can tuck him in til he falls back asleep but sure beats how he would sleep in our bed or want to sleep on couch. Create routine, get some visual aids to describe the steps for bed or even look into books about bed time. My son loves Blippi and trucks so we found books about bedtime with Blippi and trucks going to sleep. Also we have a star projector on his ceiling that only comes on at night time so it’s a special and fun moment for him and establishes the routine. Wishing you well and that all of us can get some more sleep one day 😅, Hi there! We struggled with our kid waking up at 3 am ready to go for over a year. We tried cutting naps or later bedtime and still the same thing. Melatonin would get him to sleep but it would endure he’d wake up more rested at 2 am.

I would end up sleeping on the floor in front of his door in his room so I’d get sleep, he’d wouldn’t be any dangers, and eventually he’d get so bored he’d go back to sleep. This just got us by…

What I think helped the most was actually allergy meds zyxal of whatever. He’d then sleep until 6 am in his bed most nights.

The other thing I’ve heard of is magnesium gummies are supposed to help but I don’t have much experience with those., How about a bunk bed? Our oldest has a tough time sleeping alone, but we’ve successfully transitioned him to sleep on the top bunk while dad sleeps on the bottom. Our routine is bath/PJs/sillies with sister to get the wiggles out/books/bed. Then we check on him 3x 15 mins apart (not always needed)., We struggled a lot with this too. 

My stepson (6.5) shares a room with his mom during her time and during our time he has his own room. So you can already see the struggle. 

It took a lot of persistence. Every time he got up in the middle of the night his dad (my SO) would redirect him back to bed. We have a good routine with him to get ready for bed. And my SO used to stay in my stepsons room until he would fall asleep. Then he shortened that amount of time in his room until now my stepson falls asleep by himself and sleeps through most nights here. 

A big help too was this [Compression Sheet](https://a.co/d/eJHn1ae). It helps my stepson feel safe at night, sleep more soundly, and he gets so excited to crawl in bed at night!, That bed is so cute! Problem is he needs at least a full size because the hyper in him carries over into his sleep. He moves around so much and ends up sideways. 

Thanks for the advice about later sleeping. I can give that a try. He had a stage where he wouldn’t fall asleep at first took like 2 hours and ended up coming in 1/2am instead.. 

How close to bed do you do melatonin?, It’s chaos and I’m honestly at a loss.... I’ve asked his therapists and teachers and nothing… drs say “he will grow out of it” it’s been years LOL… and i am honestly shocked at the judgment i get for not being okay with him sleeping in my bed… i love my son, i understand he has autism. But he’s high functioning, very smart and i do believe it’s good for him to be independent in this aspect. We also need to take care of ourselves in order to give them 110%.. if we’re running on fumes then what good are we?, Ok here is the move I just tried and I’ll report back if it works: I went through all the weighted blankets on Amazon and he saw a glow in the dark space one and said “I will definitely sleep in my own bed with that”. I also added blocks to my cart and said “if you stay in your bed all night you get the blocks in the morning”. Straight up bribery but I’m losing my mind!!!, So he has the TV jn his room and i have it setup nice for him but he just dosent wanna be in there unless it’s bed time. LOL. I just stopped playing Disney lullabies because i believe that was keeping him up. We have a very strict routine as well but he FaceTimes his father before bed so im sure that screen isn’t helping… he gets too excited for books so he will stay up begging for more.. we got the night light star projector too..

Thank you so much! 
I will try the visual aids next to see if that works! I’ll literally try anything at this point.. 

Yeah apparently we won’t sleep until they’re 18 I’m told so we’ll see LOL!!, My son takes Allegra but i can switch over to xzyal and give that a try! 

I do use VAL kids magnesium roll on and roll it on his feet and between shoulder blades.. maybe he needs to try a liquid (he dosent like medicine or vitamin gummies)..

Thank you!!, We aim for half an hour before bedtime. My son used to be hyper in bed, too ...like thrashing around a lot of the time. We give him magnesium by mouth a few times a week (child life, liquid formula), and I think all the pillows and blankets help with that, too. I noticed when he slept with me he would always try to wedge himself under me., My son always likes to hide under the pillows and has to be like pushed against me and tries to move closer even though he has nowhere else to go LOL. I get that for sure. I do the magnesium rub on his feet and between shoulder blades at night it’s VAL kids magnesium roll on we use with chamomile and shea butter… I’ll have to try some other stuff too.

I’ll def try a bunch of pillows! He likes alot of blankets lol, I got my kid a bed like this:

[Front Porch Bed](https://www.amazon.com/DONCO-Front-Porch-Rustic-Driftwood/dp/B07T5MLKKY/ref=sr_1_8?crid=GEKMGFMTPQNO&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.NnjBrwmJtoKACvOwOmc__sp6x-EWuFzaeZ9RYQ4KmYAH7AYkaf_PqwCw820DiymUU70gm76sEhbbNRjdfgVMK14z7AjULfCyHiRHjdA5RMCQNfql8ddoMvOzxprY73DpQoZ79Oue12gS-fZzwPtwmQ8Quytk7Z2jclufMp_eSC0WoqQXjgb6Up2jxk7-u2_zavD9Rc2fKMeMl6GQIRZsmr2EW8B8yQTazgC9iK57FfJpbFl7Znv9tfwGyw-HbblF8To-1mVXoB8_V5MUPMFmJPrOa_-HJZPhsIc4cIQ6XQg.MJ4UajHd-HHB35prlBwv2QwNXIWmb5Bgs9dmFz_dTSM&dib_tag=se&keywords=front+porch+bed&qid=1711310190&sprefix=front+porch+bed%2Caps%2C225&sr=8-8)

Then I shoved it in a corner, added a few weighted blankets, and added about 8 of the fluffiest king size pillows I could find. He's pretty good about sleeping in it, but he still has ocassional rough nights where he's up a lot, and he still ends up in my bed once every few months. I don't mind as much now, because it's rare and I actually miss my little baby (although I was *desperate* to get him OUT of my bed just like you are). 

When he's going through a rough sleeping stage, I also put him to bed a little later (1-1.5hr) than usual.  It minimizes the chance that he'll *fully* wake up in the middle of the night. He has never needed a ""normal"" amount of sleep. We also do melatonin (2mg), but not too early ...because he will wake right back up., I’m in the same boat with my four year old. Hasn’t slept in his own bed since Christmas Eve and that was only because he was worried about Santa coming. He says he’s afraid to be alone. It’s at the point I go to bed at 8 pm with him because he will just scream and cry if I do not. I am following because I desperately need him out of my bed., I had to make my sons room a place where we played and where he wanted to be and at first that meant us putting a TV in there…ya I’m sure parenting and autism experts would have a lot to say about that but it worked. His room became a fun place for him but then we found the tv being a distraction at bed so after consulting with an OT we had to create a bed time routine that doesn’t change and starts almost 30-45 minutes before bed maybe even an hour. We have visual aids that show what he has to do and as he does them they move (Velcro pieces on laminate) to the “done” section so he would have snack, have a bubble bath, brush teeth, pjs and then story time. Lights off, tv off (at least an hour before bed) and sometimes I have to read a dozen books but they are the same bed time books and he knows that means bed time. Sure he still gets me up 1-3 times a night just so I can tuck him in til he falls back asleep but sure beats how he would sleep in our bed or want to sleep on couch. Create routine, get some visual aids to describe the steps for bed or even look into books about bed time. My son loves Blippi and trucks so we found books about bedtime with Blippi and trucks going to sleep. Also we have a star projector on his ceiling that only comes on at night time so it’s a special and fun moment for him and establishes the routine. Wishing you well and that all of us can get some more sleep one day 😅, Hi there! We struggled with our kid waking up at 3 am ready to go for over a year. We tried cutting naps or later bedtime and still the same thing. Melatonin would get him to sleep but it would endure he’d wake up more rested at 2 am.

I would end up sleeping on the floor in front of his door in his room so I’d get sleep, he’d wouldn’t be any dangers, and eventually he’d get so bored he’d go back to sleep. This just got us by…

What I think helped the most was actually allergy meds zyxal of whatever. He’d then sleep until 6 am in his bed most nights.

The other thing I’ve heard of is magnesium gummies are supposed to help but I don’t have much experience with those., How about a bunk bed? Our oldest has a tough time sleeping alone, but we’ve successfully transitioned him to sleep on the top bunk while dad sleeps on the bottom. Our routine is bath/PJs/sillies with sister to get the wiggles out/books/bed. Then we check on him 3x 15 mins apart (not always needed)., We struggled a lot with this too. 

My stepson (6.5) shares a room with his mom during her time and during our time he has his own room. So you can already see the struggle. 

It took a lot of persistence. Every time he got up in the middle of the night his dad (my SO) would redirect him back to bed. We have a good routine with him to get ready for bed. And my SO used to stay in my stepsons room until he would fall asleep. Then he shortened that amount of time in his room until now my stepson falls asleep by himself and sleeps through most nights here. 

A big help too was this [Compression Sheet](https://a.co/d/eJHn1ae). It helps my stepson feel safe at night, sleep more soundly, and he gets so excited to crawl in bed at night!, That bed is so cute! Problem is he needs at least a full size because the hyper in him carries over into his sleep. He moves around so much and ends up sideways. 

Thanks for the advice about later sleeping. I can give that a try. He had a stage where he wouldn’t fall asleep at first took like 2 hours and ended up coming in 1/2am instead.. 

How close to bed do you do melatonin?, It’s chaos and I’m honestly at a loss.... I’ve asked his therapists and teachers and nothing… drs say “he will grow out of it” it’s been years LOL… and i am honestly shocked at the judgment i get for not being okay with him sleeping in my bed… i love my son, i understand he has autism. But he’s high functioning, very smart and i do believe it’s good for him to be independent in this aspect. We also need to take care of ourselves in order to give them 110%.. if we’re running on fumes then what good are we?, Ok here is the move I just tried and I’ll report back if it works: I went through all the weighted blankets on Amazon and he saw a glow in the dark space one and said “I will definitely sleep in my own bed with that”. I also added blocks to my cart and said “if you stay in your bed all night you get the blocks in the morning”. Straight up bribery but I’m losing my mind!!!, So he has the TV jn his room and i have it setup nice for him but he just dosent wanna be in there unless it’s bed time. LOL. I just stopped playing Disney lullabies because i believe that was keeping him up. We have a very strict routine as well but he FaceTimes his father before bed so im sure that screen isn’t helping… he gets too excited for books so he will stay up begging for more.. we got the night light star projector too..

Thank you so much! 
I will try the visual aids next to see if that works! I’ll literally try anything at this point.. 

Yeah apparently we won’t sleep until they’re 18 I’m told so we’ll see LOL!!, My son takes Allegra but i can switch over to xzyal and give that a try! 

I do use VAL kids magnesium roll on and roll it on his feet and between shoulder blades.. maybe he needs to try a liquid (he dosent like medicine or vitamin gummies)..

Thank you!!, We aim for half an hour before bedtime. My son used to be hyper in bed, too ...like thrashing around a lot of the time. We give him magnesium by mouth a few times a week (child life, liquid formula), and I think all the pillows and blankets help with that, too. I noticed when he slept with me he would always try to wedge himself under me., My son always likes to hide under the pillows and has to be like pushed against me and tries to move closer even though he has nowhere else to go LOL. I get that for sure. I do the magnesium rub on his feet and between shoulder blades at night it’s VAL kids magnesium roll on we use with chamomile and shea butter… I’ll have to try some other stuff too.

I’ll def try a bunch of pillows! He likes alot of blankets lol, I got my kid a bed like this:

[Front Porch Bed](https://www.amazon.com/DONCO-Front-Porch-Rustic-Driftwood/dp/B07T5MLKKY/ref=sr_1_8?crid=GEKMGFMTPQNO&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.NnjBrwmJtoKACvOwOmc__sp6x-EWuFzaeZ9RYQ4KmYAH7AYkaf_PqwCw820DiymUU70gm76sEhbbNRjdfgVMK14z7AjULfCyHiRHjdA5RMCQNfql8ddoMvOzxprY73DpQoZ79Oue12gS-fZzwPtwmQ8Quytk7Z2jclufMp_eSC0WoqQXjgb6Up2jxk7-u2_zavD9Rc2fKMeMl6GQIRZsmr2EW8B8yQTazgC9iK57FfJpbFl7Znv9tfwGyw-HbblF8To-1mVXoB8_V5MUPMFmJPrOa_-HJZPhsIc4cIQ6XQg.MJ4UajHd-HHB35prlBwv2QwNXIWmb5Bgs9dmFz_dTSM&dib_tag=se&keywords=front+porch+bed&qid=1711310190&sprefix=front+porch+bed%2Caps%2C225&sr=8-8)

Then I shoved it in a corner, added a few weighted blankets, and added about 8 of the fluffiest king size pillows I could find. He's pretty good about sleeping in it, but he still has ocassional rough nights where he's up a lot, and he still ends up in my bed once every few months. I don't mind as much now, because it's rare and I actually miss my little baby (although I was *desperate* to get him OUT of my bed just like you are). 

When he's going through a rough sleeping stage, I also put him to bed a little later (1-1.5hr) than usual.  It minimizes the chance that he'll *fully* wake up in the middle of the night. He has never needed a ""normal"" amount of sleep. We also do melatonin (2mg), but not too early ...because he will wake right back up., I’m in the same boat with my four year old. Hasn’t slept in his own bed since Christmas Eve and that was only because he was worried about Santa coming. He says he’s afraid to be alone. It’s at the point I go to bed at 8 pm with him because he will just scream and cry if I do not. I am following because I desperately need him out of my bed., I had to make my sons room a place where we played and where he wanted to be and at first that meant us putting a TV in there…ya I’m sure parenting and autism experts would have a lot to say about that but it worked. His room became a fun place for him but then we found the tv being a distraction at bed so after consulting with an OT we had to create a bed time routine that doesn’t change and starts almost 30-45 minutes before bed maybe even an hour. We have visual aids that show what he has to do and as he does them they move (Velcro pieces on laminate) to the “done” section so he would have snack, have a bubble bath, brush teeth, pjs and then story time. Lights off, tv off (at least an hour before bed) and sometimes I have to read a dozen books but they are the same bed time books and he knows that means bed time. Sure he still gets me up 1-3 times a night just so I can tuck him in til he falls back asleep but sure beats how he would sleep in our bed or want to sleep on couch. Create routine, get some visual aids to describe the steps for bed or even look into books about bed time. My son loves Blippi and trucks so we found books about bedtime with Blippi and trucks going to sleep. Also we have a star projector on his ceiling that only comes on at night time so it’s a special and fun moment for him and establishes the routine. Wishing you well and that all of us can get some more sleep one day 😅, Hi there! We struggled with our kid waking up at 3 am ready to go for over a year. We tried cutting naps or later bedtime and still the same thing. Melatonin would get him to sleep but it would endure he’d wake up more rested at 2 am.

I would end up sleeping on the floor in front of his door in his room so I’d get sleep, he’d wouldn’t be any dangers, and eventually he’d get so bored he’d go back to sleep. This just got us by…

What I think helped the most was actually allergy meds zyxal of whatever. He’d then sleep until 6 am in his bed most nights.

The other thing I’ve heard of is magnesium gummies are supposed to help but I don’t have much experience with those., How about a bunk bed? Our oldest has a tough time sleeping alone, but we’ve successfully transitioned him to sleep on the top bunk while dad sleeps on the bottom. Our routine is bath/PJs/sillies with sister to get the wiggles out/books/bed. Then we check on him 3x 15 mins apart (not always needed)., We struggled a lot with this too. 

My stepson (6.5) shares a room with his mom during her time and during our time he has his own room. So you can already see the struggle. 

It took a lot of persistence. Every time he got up in the middle of the night his dad (my SO) would redirect him back to bed. We have a good routine with him to get ready for bed. And my SO used to stay in my stepsons room until he would fall asleep. Then he shortened that amount of time in his room until now my stepson falls asleep by himself and sleeps through most nights here. 

A big help too was this [Compression Sheet](https://a.co/d/eJHn1ae). It helps my stepson feel safe at night, sleep more soundly, and he gets so excited to crawl in bed at night!, That bed is so cute! Problem is he needs at least a full size because the hyper in him carries over into his sleep. He moves around so much and ends up sideways. 

Thanks for the advice about later sleeping. I can give that a try. He had a stage where he wouldn’t fall asleep at first took like 2 hours and ended up coming in 1/2am instead.. 

How close to bed do you do melatonin?, It’s chaos and I’m honestly at a loss.... I’ve asked his therapists and teachers and nothing… drs say “he will grow out of it” it’s been years LOL… and i am honestly shocked at the judgment i get for not being okay with him sleeping in my bed… i love my son, i understand he has autism. But he’s high functioning, very smart and i do believe it’s good for him to be independent in this aspect. We also need to take care of ourselves in order to give them 110%.. if we’re running on fumes then what good are we?, Ok here is the move I just tried and I’ll report back if it works: I went through all the weighted blankets on Amazon and he saw a glow in the dark space one and said “I will definitely sleep in my own bed with that”. I also added blocks to my cart and said “if you stay in your bed all night you get the blocks in the morning”. Straight up bribery but I’m losing my mind!!!, So he has the TV jn his room and i have it setup nice for him but he just dosent wanna be in there unless it’s bed time. LOL. I just stopped playing Disney lullabies because i believe that was keeping him up. We have a very strict routine as well but he FaceTimes his father before bed so im sure that screen isn’t helping… he gets too excited for books so he will stay up begging for more.. we got the night light star projector too..

Thank you so much! 
I will try the visual aids next to see if that works! I’ll literally try anything at this point.. 

Yeah apparently we won’t sleep until they’re 18 I’m told so we’ll see LOL!!, My son takes Allegra but i can switch over to xzyal and give that a try! 

I do use VAL kids magnesium roll on and roll it on his feet and between shoulder blades.. maybe he needs to try a liquid (he dosent like medicine or vitamin gummies)..

Thank you!!, We aim for half an hour before bedtime. My son used to be hyper in bed, too ...like thrashing around a lot of the time. We give him magnesium by mouth a few times a week (child life, liquid formula), and I think all the pillows and blankets help with that, too. I noticed when he slept with me he would always try to wedge himself under me., My son always likes to hide under the pillows and has to be like pushed against me and tries to move closer even though he has nowhere else to go LOL. I get that for sure. I do the magnesium rub on his feet and between shoulder blades at night it’s VAL kids magnesium roll on we use with chamomile and shea butter… I’ll have to try some other stuff too.

I’ll def try a bunch of pillows! He likes alot of blankets lol",Support,Sleep Issues
"Hi! Want to start off by saying how much I love this community♥️ So my kid hogs all toys, he can’t see us touch his toys (especially cars) or starts crying and throwing, he’s been in school all year and the teacher tells me he still struggles with this even though they always work on it. He’s in speech therapy and will be starting OT as well. Any suggestions? ","This is something he will keep learning in school, and will probably be directly/indirectly targeted in speech and OT too. Not a substitute for therapy but here are some suggestions:

- Model sharing yourself: Make a point to share your own belongings and food with your child. Narrate what you're doing so they see the positive example.

- Use visual aids: Create a ""sharing timer"" or rotate toys so each child gets a turn. You can use a timer, turn-taking cards, or a simple schedule to make the process clear.

- Praise sharing: When you see your child sharing, even for a short time, provide lots of positive reinforcement. ""Wow, you shared your cars with your sister! That was so nice of you.""

- Teach turn-taking: Practice taking turns with simple games and activities. Say things like ""My turn, your turn"" and use gestures/signs to help them understand the concept.

- Avoid forced sharing: Don't make your child share if they are not ready. This can backfire and make them more resistant. Gently guide them instead.

- Offer choices: Give your child two options to share, rather than just saying ""Share your toys."" This gives them a sense of control.

- Read sharing-themed books: There are many great children's books that explore themes of sharing, taking turns, and cooperation. This can help the lessons stick. Some I can think of off the top of my head: Llama Llama Can You Share, Sharing Time, Mine! 

- Be patient and consistent: Developing sharing skills takes time. Stick with it and keep practicing these strategies. With time and support, your child will get better at sharing.

The key is creating a positive association with sharing, rather than making it a punishment. Consistency and patience from you will go a long way. Let me know if you have any other questions!, Thankfully I have a 9month old teaching my 3year old sharing by force…

We just started preK and we have issues with sharing things in our home even sharing non-preferred items with his dad and I., Wow thank you for such amazing tips, I have saved them and will work on them along with your book suggestions♥️, Brilliant!!😊, This is something he will keep learning in school, and will probably be directly/indirectly targeted in speech and OT too. Not a substitute for therapy but here are some suggestions:

- Model sharing yourself: Make a point to share your own belongings and food with your child. Narrate what you're doing so they see the positive example.

- Use visual aids: Create a ""sharing timer"" or rotate toys so each child gets a turn. You can use a timer, turn-taking cards, or a simple schedule to make the process clear.

- Praise sharing: When you see your child sharing, even for a short time, provide lots of positive reinforcement. ""Wow, you shared your cars with your sister! That was so nice of you.""

- Teach turn-taking: Practice taking turns with simple games and activities. Say things like ""My turn, your turn"" and use gestures/signs to help them understand the concept.

- Avoid forced sharing: Don't make your child share if they are not ready. This can backfire and make them more resistant. Gently guide them instead.

- Offer choices: Give your child two options to share, rather than just saying ""Share your toys."" This gives them a sense of control.

- Read sharing-themed books: There are many great children's books that explore themes of sharing, taking turns, and cooperation. This can help the lessons stick. Some I can think of off the top of my head: Llama Llama Can You Share, Sharing Time, Mine! 

- Be patient and consistent: Developing sharing skills takes time. Stick with it and keep practicing these strategies. With time and support, your child will get better at sharing.

The key is creating a positive association with sharing, rather than making it a punishment. Consistency and patience from you will go a long way. Let me know if you have any other questions!, Thankfully I have a 9month old teaching my 3year old sharing by force…

We just started preK and we have issues with sharing things in our home even sharing non-preferred items with his dad and I., Wow thank you for such amazing tips, I have saved them and will work on them along with your book suggestions♥️, Brilliant!!😊, This is something he will keep learning in school, and will probably be directly/indirectly targeted in speech and OT too. Not a substitute for therapy but here are some suggestions:

- Model sharing yourself: Make a point to share your own belongings and food with your child. Narrate what you're doing so they see the positive example.

- Use visual aids: Create a ""sharing timer"" or rotate toys so each child gets a turn. You can use a timer, turn-taking cards, or a simple schedule to make the process clear.

- Praise sharing: When you see your child sharing, even for a short time, provide lots of positive reinforcement. ""Wow, you shared your cars with your sister! That was so nice of you.""

- Teach turn-taking: Practice taking turns with simple games and activities. Say things like ""My turn, your turn"" and use gestures/signs to help them understand the concept.

- Avoid forced sharing: Don't make your child share if they are not ready. This can backfire and make them more resistant. Gently guide them instead.

- Offer choices: Give your child two options to share, rather than just saying ""Share your toys."" This gives them a sense of control.

- Read sharing-themed books: There are many great children's books that explore themes of sharing, taking turns, and cooperation. This can help the lessons stick. Some I can think of off the top of my head: Llama Llama Can You Share, Sharing Time, Mine! 

- Be patient and consistent: Developing sharing skills takes time. Stick with it and keep practicing these strategies. With time and support, your child will get better at sharing.

The key is creating a positive association with sharing, rather than making it a punishment. Consistency and patience from you will go a long way. Let me know if you have any other questions!, Thankfully I have a 9month old teaching my 3year old sharing by force…

We just started preK and we have issues with sharing things in our home even sharing non-preferred items with his dad and I., Wow thank you for such amazing tips, I have saved them and will work on them along with your book suggestions♥️, Brilliant!!😊, This is something he will keep learning in school, and will probably be directly/indirectly targeted in speech and OT too. Not a substitute for therapy but here are some suggestions:

- Model sharing yourself: Make a point to share your own belongings and food with your child. Narrate what you're doing so they see the positive example.

- Use visual aids: Create a ""sharing timer"" or rotate toys so each child gets a turn. You can use a timer, turn-taking cards, or a simple schedule to make the process clear.

- Praise sharing: When you see your child sharing, even for a short time, provide lots of positive reinforcement. ""Wow, you shared your cars with your sister! That was so nice of you.""

- Teach turn-taking: Practice taking turns with simple games and activities. Say things like ""My turn, your turn"" and use gestures/signs to help them understand the concept.

- Avoid forced sharing: Don't make your child share if they are not ready. This can backfire and make them more resistant. Gently guide them instead.

- Offer choices: Give your child two options to share, rather than just saying ""Share your toys."" This gives them a sense of control.

- Read sharing-themed books: There are many great children's books that explore themes of sharing, taking turns, and cooperation. This can help the lessons stick. Some I can think of off the top of my head: Llama Llama Can You Share, Sharing Time, Mine! 

- Be patient and consistent: Developing sharing skills takes time. Stick with it and keep practicing these strategies. With time and support, your child will get better at sharing.

The key is creating a positive association with sharing, rather than making it a punishment. Consistency and patience from you will go a long way. Let me know if you have any other questions!, Thankfully I have a 9month old teaching my 3year old sharing by force…

We just started preK and we have issues with sharing things in our home even sharing non-preferred items with his dad and I., Wow thank you for such amazing tips, I have saved them and will work on them along with your book suggestions♥️, Brilliant!!😊",Support,Challenging Behavior
"Hello everyone, I’m wondering what techniques you’ve learned to handle aggressive kids? My son is 4 and nonverbal. He becomes extremely aggressive over any small thing and I don’t know what to do anymore. He literally makes me cry when he punches me over and over because I didn’t do something right while playing with him. He does use AAC but refuses to uses it when he is angry. Any advice is welcome.","Its really, really tough when the aggression comes out- especially for a nonverbal child. Have you considered medication? It really helped our LO control his anger (plus puberty is quickly approaching). 
Otherwise, we ignore the behaviors we don't want him to use. So if he hits and bites to get his way, we ignore what he does until he asks the way he's supposed to. Then he immediately gets all the attention again. It's hard, So, quite a few people here talking about medication. But before I would go with medication, i would work on methods to divert or redirect. Is your son in any therapies?  It sounds like he could use an OT to help with some coping strategies to maybe cut the anger off before it happens. 

Does he go to aba or anything similar. Generally, the bcba will have a ton of methods to help try to regulate the emotions., I would consider medication. It changes peoples lives., I’d recommend reading The Explosive Child. Also an OT evaluation., With transitional meltdowns in a young non verbal kid, sometimes there's no choice but to be hit. It's traumatic AF, and sucks, and sometimes there's just no choice., How do you ignore it if it hurts too bad? I had to get stitches a few weeks ago because mine bit me so hard he took a chunk out of my shoulder. I couldn’t help but yelp., My tried ABA it definitely wasn’t for us. I’m reading so many books and working with OT but nothing seems to be helping. I personally feel like it’s result of him being so frustrated because he can’t verbally communicate, How does one justify medication at such a young age though?, He does get OT, we’re trying a few things. I actually just ordered the newest edition!, Justify? To whom? The only thing that matters to me if my child’s quality of life which has been significantly improved by medication., Many studies, FDA approvals, etc.
Think of it this way: the aggression in many cases is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain. Medication will help with that. Is it better to grow up aggressive and deregulated? Or calmer? What effect on brain development do you think there is to be always on the edge? That is certainly worse for a developing brain than medication.

Of course, medication should be used after all behavioral approaches have been tried. Should be last resort. But when you are there, it’s not a bad thing to use them., To myself. I don’t care what others think I just can’t see medicating my son who’s brain isn’t fully developed yet, No one’s brain is developed until like 25. My child was angry constantly because he didn’t sleep and we finally put him on clonidine for sleep and it’s changed his life. He’s happy all the time now., So sleep was the root of his aggression ?, He’s not “aggressive” but he had a HUGE behavior shift where he was extremely irritable when he stopped sleeping. He would whine all day long. Cry. There was no consoling him.",Treatment,Challenging Behavior
My asd 3 year old boy who is semi verbal has become more aggressive towards people but me the most.  As his mom I am with him the most and he used to be so sweet and loving but now he is having these outbursts when he doesn’t get his way and is hitting and kicking me.  I’m not sure how to handle this.  He is becoming harder to manage and our good days are becoming fewer and fewer.  It’s hard to not feel like crap about this any way I look at it.  I feel physically abused and also like a failure that I can’t make things right for my son.  He has so much energy and I try to make sure he uses some of it up but that’s becoming more difficult too.  We go swimming at the Y but his outbursts there are becoming bad too and he used to just love being there.  Any advice??,"My son also flipped around this age. He used to be very quiet and independent and right before he turned 4 he started screaming, crying and self injuring all day :( we are still going through it 7 months later… However, after 2 ER visits and multiple x rays we found out he has severe constipation and were referred to GI. His aggression and irritability is worse when bowel movements are not normal. 

I was also told to write down his day- from sleep, meals, bowel movements, and his meltdowns- to see what the triggers seemed to be., Right there with you. We’re on the brink of 3 and also dealing with swatting, pinching, and kicking when we don’t get our way.

I do not think this is an autism thing and most toddlers go through this phase. Like you, we struggle to appropriately address it with her. If she’s upset about a necessary task, like diaper changes, distracting her with something novel helps. If it’s because she simply didn’t get her way, then I tell her “No thank you” and remove myself from her proximity. We’re going on week 2 and I think it’s starting to sink in that hitting, kicking, and pinching isn’t okay., I have been wondering if this aggression is from him not feeling well however there are no symptoms of something being wrong.  We just got through a month of sickness and worry he still has an ear infection but he went through a round of antibiotics so the chances are slim.  Sometimes I think the antibiotics set him back…. It almost seems like something changes every time he has to take them, My nanny used the no thank you approach and that seemed to work with him.  I’m so glad you brought this up!, Antibiotics!! They can change his mood completely. My sons stomach built up gas, had the runs and his self injury amped up by 10 even though his ear infection had gone away. We had 2 ear infections the last 2 months. I dread having to give my child antibiotics.., At first I thought it was imagination but it’s happened too many time!  How long does it take for your son to go back to himself??, My son also flipped around this age. He used to be very quiet and independent and right before he turned 4 he started screaming, crying and self injuring all day :( we are still going through it 7 months later… However, after 2 ER visits and multiple x rays we found out he has severe constipation and were referred to GI. His aggression and irritability is worse when bowel movements are not normal. 

I was also told to write down his day- from sleep, meals, bowel movements, and his meltdowns- to see what the triggers seemed to be., Right there with you. We’re on the brink of 3 and also dealing with swatting, pinching, and kicking when we don’t get our way.

I do not think this is an autism thing and most toddlers go through this phase. Like you, we struggle to appropriately address it with her. If she’s upset about a necessary task, like diaper changes, distracting her with something novel helps. If it’s because she simply didn’t get her way, then I tell her “No thank you” and remove myself from her proximity. We’re going on week 2 and I think it’s starting to sink in that hitting, kicking, and pinching isn’t okay., I have been wondering if this aggression is from him not feeling well however there are no symptoms of something being wrong.  We just got through a month of sickness and worry he still has an ear infection but he went through a round of antibiotics so the chances are slim.  Sometimes I think the antibiotics set him back…. It almost seems like something changes every time he has to take them, My nanny used the no thank you approach and that seemed to work with him.  I’m so glad you brought this up!, Antibiotics!! They can change his mood completely. My sons stomach built up gas, had the runs and his self injury amped up by 10 even though his ear infection had gone away. We had 2 ear infections the last 2 months. I dread having to give my child antibiotics.., At first I thought it was imagination but it’s happened too many time!  How long does it take for your son to go back to himself??, My son also flipped around this age. He used to be very quiet and independent and right before he turned 4 he started screaming, crying and self injuring all day :( we are still going through it 7 months later… However, after 2 ER visits and multiple x rays we found out he has severe constipation and were referred to GI. His aggression and irritability is worse when bowel movements are not normal. 

I was also told to write down his day- from sleep, meals, bowel movements, and his meltdowns- to see what the triggers seemed to be., Right there with you. We’re on the brink of 3 and also dealing with swatting, pinching, and kicking when we don’t get our way.

I do not think this is an autism thing and most toddlers go through this phase. Like you, we struggle to appropriately address it with her. If she’s upset about a necessary task, like diaper changes, distracting her with something novel helps. If it’s because she simply didn’t get her way, then I tell her “No thank you” and remove myself from her proximity. We’re going on week 2 and I think it’s starting to sink in that hitting, kicking, and pinching isn’t okay., I have been wondering if this aggression is from him not feeling well however there are no symptoms of something being wrong.  We just got through a month of sickness and worry he still has an ear infection but he went through a round of antibiotics so the chances are slim.  Sometimes I think the antibiotics set him back…. It almost seems like something changes every time he has to take them, My nanny used the no thank you approach and that seemed to work with him.  I’m so glad you brought this up!, Antibiotics!! They can change his mood completely. My sons stomach built up gas, had the runs and his self injury amped up by 10 even though his ear infection had gone away. We had 2 ear infections the last 2 months. I dread having to give my child antibiotics.., At first I thought it was imagination but it’s happened too many time!  How long does it take for your son to go back to himself??, My son also flipped around this age. He used to be very quiet and independent and right before he turned 4 he started screaming, crying and self injuring all day :( we are still going through it 7 months later… However, after 2 ER visits and multiple x rays we found out he has severe constipation and were referred to GI. His aggression and irritability is worse when bowel movements are not normal. 

I was also told to write down his day- from sleep, meals, bowel movements, and his meltdowns- to see what the triggers seemed to be., Right there with you. We’re on the brink of 3 and also dealing with swatting, pinching, and kicking when we don’t get our way.

I do not think this is an autism thing and most toddlers go through this phase. Like you, we struggle to appropriately address it with her. If she’s upset about a necessary task, like diaper changes, distracting her with something novel helps. If it’s because she simply didn’t get her way, then I tell her “No thank you” and remove myself from her proximity. We’re going on week 2 and I think it’s starting to sink in that hitting, kicking, and pinching isn’t okay., I have been wondering if this aggression is from him not feeling well however there are no symptoms of something being wrong.  We just got through a month of sickness and worry he still has an ear infection but he went through a round of antibiotics so the chances are slim.  Sometimes I think the antibiotics set him back…. It almost seems like something changes every time he has to take them, My nanny used the no thank you approach and that seemed to work with him.  I’m so glad you brought this up!, Antibiotics!! They can change his mood completely. My sons stomach built up gas, had the runs and his self injury amped up by 10 even though his ear infection had gone away. We had 2 ear infections the last 2 months. I dread having to give my child antibiotics.., At first I thought it was imagination but it’s happened too many time!  How long does it take for your son to go back to himself??",Support,Challenging Behavior
"Greetings.  Fifteen month old grandson, undiagnosed but definitely not neurotypical.  Not very verbal, no words, some babbling but primarily growling screeching, eye contact OK, cruising but not walking, no pointing, no clapping, no waving.....  We read to him a lot, talk to him a lot, try to get him to imitate (he does not)....  Just looking for anything we as grandparents can do to help him along, the ultimate goal being able to live a decent independent life.  Concurrent with that goal is lending emotional support to his parents, but especially his mother, who goes through periods of what might best be described as hopelessness.  He just started PT and ST, so actions are being taken, but I am a firm believer in early intervention, but have no experience whatsoever in this realm.  Take care all.","If you are in the US, look up your Early Intervention and call and set up an evaluation. I don't think you need a doctor referral. It is tax payer supported, they will come to the kid, and do the eval., Have you gone to a pediatrician visit with your daughter and grandchild? It may be the best way to discuss this as the pediatrician is the first line of help.  

I would start there and yes, I agree with the other post about ei. 15 months is still pretty early, though., I have not gone but was told ped said 99% sure he is on the spectrum. It is too early for sure to say anything definitive but things are not “normal” based on what I have seen and experienced. I know that normal is a wide range but expectations exert a powerful influence on one’s mind., This has been done. He is delayed., You could reach out to a psychologist or psychiatrist to see if they will evaluate earlier. Mine did at 18 months. 

I would also ask the pediatrician at what age do they provide a diagnosis typically.

If you can get them in speech therapy physio and maybe OT now.

Buy this book. Also kudos to you for being an awesome grandma and looking to help.

Definitely be supportive of their parents and be a support without judging or dictating how they handle their child, but sound like you’re doing great. 

https://www.amazon.ca/Early-Start-Your-Child-Autism/dp/160918470X/ref=asc_df_160918470X/?tag=googlemobshop-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=293019384127&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=16405586132535470620&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9001076&hvtargid=pla-434102871110&psc=1&mcid=1c1a8a79c5e63023aee3d6fcc2137e0c, Okay, so reading again, he is getting speech and PT. Honestly, that's early intervention.

I needed, and still need, people to delight in my child. I need his grandparents to see him like they see any and all grandkids. I need to hear about how wonderful he is, I need him to be ""spoiled"" by the people who would have spoiled him if he were NT. I needed to have my fears listened to and affirmed, but I also needed someone to remind me of the amazing kid he is.

If the parents are okay with it, you can also research into how to be assessed for autism- likely a neuropsych. And likely there will be a long wait. Look into what other therapies and services are available in your area. Looking into ABA (he is too young but it takes months to get things started, so beginning early is ideal) and occupational therapy.

Don't forget to enjoy your sweet grandson. He's wonderful. He needs to be adored like all children need to be adored. Play with him the way he wants to play. Not every moment is a teachable moment. [I read this article several times per year.](https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2016/dec/03/how-disney-gave-voice-to-a-boy-with-autism) ""“When he was a child, I lived with this burden that every moment counts. I had to be doing something productive to encourage language at every moment or everything was lost – the panic that I lived with for years was not good and not healthy. If there’s one thing I regret, it’s not feeling that I could allow myself to enjoy Owen. Finding the joy in your child and experiencing that with him is the most important therapy there is.” I remind myself of that daily. Finding joy in him and with him is so important.",Support,Family Support
"Hello:

I am the father of a four year old autistic girl (level 2, diagnosed between 2 and 3 years old) who we've been trying to get to go to bed at a decent hour. She is hyperlexic but very dysregulated most of the time, and we've decided to put our foot down and take away anything that lights up at night, because she'll stay awake until midnight/1a.m. reading books or singing or just jumping on the bed, and driving us crazy.

Well, this is the second night of no flashlights, and that means she'll spend 45-60 minutes pounding on the door screaming/growling, saying ""You're not listening to me! I want my flashlight!"" and making a sound that I can only describe as ""wowwwouwwwwwwoouououwww"" while kicking/punching the door. My wife and I are terrified of going in the room to calm her down because we don't want to reset her looping skills, if that makes sense.

When she wakes up she gets a bunch of high fives and praise for sleeping without the flashlight, but in the meantime dealing with the too-close-to-a-horror-film pounding on the door and screaming is difficult for us. She has kicked a hole in our MDF door before, we patched it up and put in the soft plastic equivalent of spike strips (3m hooks) to keep her from rebreaking it, but man, it's scary. This sucks. Tell me that the rules of extinction apply to a four/five year old just like it does for sleep training and getting rid of a pacifier.

Anyway, let's commiserate. She's in OT/SLP/counseling/horse therapy, and most of the time she's okay. I just can't manage her tantrum. We're anti-ABA but we haven't found anything else that works except planned ignoring with a follow up/day after praise parade for doing the thing we want her to do (stay in your bed/stop knocking/kicking the door, and now, fall asleep without a flashlight). She has a star machine, a tonie box, and a sound machine in there. She's been checked by an ENT for adenoid/tonsil problems. She doesn't snore.","Have you tried Melatonin?  It was a game changer for us!, one of the things i learned from having a child on the spectrum is that leaving her to “sort herself out” like you’re doing rarely works the way it’s intended (see: a long term fix). you’ll just need to keep testing out things she can have in her room that will keep her happy and calm. also, you cannot force someone to sleep, especially a kid on the spectrum, so find her something quiet she can occupy herself with on the nights she’s unable to sleep early if melatonin, magnesium, etc doesn’t work or isn’t something you’re willing to try

eta: i am also autistic and i wouldn’t sleep until 1am most nights at your daughter’s age, so they just let me chill out in bed with my quiet toys and eventually i fell asleep when my body was ready. nobody was in distress and we all slept the amount we needed/wanted, We’ve used melatonin when resetting sleep patterns, and it was super helpful. We do magnesium in the evening at night too. 

Also, we got a Yoto player, and loaded a couple billy and Zack the cat bedtime meditations onto one of the make your own cards. We use the player every single night. 

So our bedtime routine includes me reading to him for 15-30 minutes, and then he can choose to listen to the billy and Zack bedtime meditation or the Yoto night time radio (which is just soothing bedtime music with no words) and he gets to choose which one., You're anti ABA but do planned ignoring which is one of the worst aspects of ABA??, ... I mean if you're standing 45-60 minutes outside listening to her screaming, you could also spend 45-60 minutes inside helping her calm down via emotional co-regulation.

Does she react well to good-night-stories? Lullabies? Maybe even some meditation thing?

Edit: What do you mean by ""looping skills""?, Please, don’t torment that poor child. She’s not being a bad kid. There’s no reason to discipline her and get her so upset. 

Ask the dr about medication - melatonin, clonodine, trazadone. There are options. I totally understand how frustrating it is, but getting her so upset isn’t going to help anything., My God. I could not listen to my child do that for 40 mins to an hour. That would actually rip me to shreds emotionally. I'm going to echo a previous poster about co regulation. Show this little girl some empthy. 

All you're modeling is that you have 0 respect for her, and you'll abandon her if she's dysregulated. She needs firm loving boundaries., You're anti ABA but your applying ABA by implementing planned ignoring with a follow up reward lol

My kid never went down easily, and most of the time after I tuck her in she will cry for a bit, but if she is like screaming and inconsolable, we will give it about 10 minutes, go in her room, and sit by her bed until she calms down. When we leave for the second time she will cry a bit but eventually sleep. Try looking up ""gentle sleep training"". This is something that worked well for us.

My kid still wakes up sometimes in the middle of the night. She sings, jumps on the bed, and basically has a party at 2 am, or sometimes she just plays quietly. Her room is baby proof, I have a camera on her, and she has her toys. If she doesn't have her toys then she wakes up and cries for me. Personally...I rather sleep and listen to her play in my dreams lol., Thanks for all of your input. We talked to her play therapist today and will figure out a more loving way to make sure she gets the rest that she needs. Right now she's able to wake up at 8:30-9:00, but when she starts Kindergarten it's going to be a different story, so we've made a social story about how she sleeps, we're giving her the option to snuggle with stuffies and listen to a tonie, and we're starting a calm-down routine an hour before by introducing a ""yellow light"" to her hatch sound machine. She's heard ""When the light is red it's time for bed"" for years, and she knows she can get up when the light is green, so adding yellow for calm-down time might be useful.

We were doing melatonin 30 minutes before bed--one 0.5mg gummy. We've tried going in there when she knocks and tried to keep her company and tell her why she should stay in bed and she needs rest etc, but it would make her super pumped to see her mom and dad and she started needing snacks/a drink/a disney movie/another story. She hasn't figured out how to play quietly in bed, yet, but we're trying., I completely know what you are going through, we had raging tantrums for months at bedtime, I was losing my mind and resenting my child. I started child-focused therapy through this service called Brightline which helped me see things more objectively. I desperately needed sleep and was treating my austistic child like a neurotypical one, doing the same routine over and over expecting him to one day finally comply. It was insanity. Two things helped. My partner and I started alternating who would fo bedtime, so I wouldn’t just lose it due to
sleep-deprivation and lock my son screaming in his room. This had a huge impact on my mental health and ability to meet my son’s needs. But the real gamechanger, as others have noted, was melatonin. We do one Olly Sleep gummy and one Olly Chillax (magnesium) about 20 minutes before bedtime. The label says only for occasional use, but that is for neurotypical children. Our son is so happy taking the gummies—I think he realizes they help him rest. We have not had the oft-reported side effect of nightmares, and it’s worth noting that this routine helps him go to sleep but had no effect on # of nighttime wakeups (can be between 0-5, same as before). Good luck!, Damn, she sounds like a power house. I hope she can channel that effectively one day., Goodness please let her have her flashlight, give her a melatonin and comfort her., Letting her sit there and scream is borderline abuse in my eyes., Melatonin for the win., Have you tried a bedtime story podcast? They’re free and if you have some device like an iPad you can turn on Guided Access or put it on a high shelf.

I have a smart switch in my son’s room connected to a strand of stars. We have a deal - as long as he stays in bed the stars stay on.

So he stays in bed with the lights low, listens to music or a bedtime story, and generally if he stays still for a whole minute he will fall asleep. (He knows the last part and fights sleep, which isn’t unusual at all for this age.), Giving her Melatonin is better than ripping her comfort item out of her hands and listening to her meltdown for almost an hour. Maybe letting her nest will help her be comfortable enough to sleep. I used to play bedtime music after giving my son Melatonin, so his body associated the music to feeling sleepy. He's no longer on daily Melatonin and he sleeps better now. 

We stopped policing when our son closes his eyes at age 5 except if he has to be up very early. If thats the case, he gets Melatonin  I've did a lot of reading on sleep researches because of my son and found out that some people are natural night owls. That's what he is, like his dad, uncles, and grandpa. And tbh, even with the Melatonin, he used to still wake up around 2:30 and sleep at 5:30, but he stayed in his room and he didn't go to school at the time so we let him. The sleep issues stopped when he turned 5.5. It was the worst age 4-5.

Ever since we stopped policing his sleep, he actually closes his eyes a lot sooner after turning the lights off with no sleep aid. Bed time is no longer stressful and everyone is happier., I have autism myself, +1 for Melatonin, but timing and dosage should be experimented with. I need to take it 2-3 hours before bedtime., Yeah - we had to remove anything with light-up features from my son's room too.  He would do the same - just playing with them and staring at the light as much as possible.  He also had some serious meltdowns too.

What worked for him is a new routine.  Find out what else comforts her at night and try to incorporate that - for my son it turned out to be about 9 specific stuffed animals arranged the exact way he likes them on his pillow...    Not sure why - and it wasn't an easy journey but we made it.

The issue right now is bed time to her is the time she's allowed to play with her flashlight - right now it probably feels like you aren't allowing her to enjoy the thing she's supposed to be able to enjoy at bedtime.  I suggest making it a time to enjoy something else instead.

What I've found with my son in general is... if we're lax about rules he starts expecting that the thing we let slide once or twice is a new thing that is allowed... then it turns into a huge issue putting that rule back in place

On the - let her scream for 45 mins.  Try teaching her other ways to self regulate.  With my son I've been playing music for him and singing to him to help him calm down (currently lots of Oasis because that was my angsty sad music when I was 10 or 12)...  It seems to work and by the end of a song we're usually giggling together.  Take these as opportunities to teach her how to deal with such big emotions in a healthier way.

​

Also melatonin... for those rough nights... melatonin may help a lot, Does she have digestive issues?, We did melatonin for a sort of short term reset. It helped him fall asleep quicker which (I think) made him trust the bedtime process a bit., Or magnesium, We also use Melatonin. But if we miss the “moment “ we can get in trouble. Give it 15-20 minutes before going to bed. Get the house ready for sleep and let it do the work while you are with her., Old ABA. New ABA is against this, Oh BTW I TOTALLY get the looping thing. Before autism was even on our radar we noticed how our son would get stuck in these loops and it was almost impossible to break him out of them., Also if she’s so dysregulated “most of the time,” I would take a look at that as well. Helping her with more regulation tools may help her be calmer in the evening., We have all the Samantha Cotterill books and she seems to enjoy those. I try to use ""It Was Supposed to Be Sunny"" to help her deal with changing schedules, etc, and sometimes she breaks out of tantrum mode and goes into silly mode. We also have a lot of Social-Emotional Learning games. She's hyperlexic so she reads ""A Spot of \[whatever\]"" to herself often. Sleep is just rough. I went from a night owl job to an early bird job and I'd rather not be on the road with a dangerously low amount of sleep. I'll figure out how she and I can work together so that we're both in a good spot and sleeping in time to be well rested., No--we're on miralax, down to 1/2 a regular dose daily. She poops every 24-48 hours. Sometimes 72 if she's excited about something new (school, horse therapy, etc), Exactly my point. Against ABA but here we'll do something modern providers consider abusive",Treatment,Parenting Challenges
"My little over two year old son has always expressed some behaviors that have concerned me, but his doctor brushes off anything that I bring up to her. 


My concerns… 

1. Around 15 months, he started head banging after having an ear infection. But it didn’t stop when the ear infection went away. He started doing it when bored or frustrated. The head banging behavior went away by 20 months, but concerned me very much. 

2. Speech delay. Wasn’t saying anything, just babbling by a year old. Started trying to stay stuff about 16 months. Now at two years old, he is saying a lot, but can’t pronounce anything worth a crap.

3. He parrots a lot. I’ll be having a conversation with someone and he will just chime in with one of the words I used in my sentence. And repeat it. 

4. Anything he wants or is interested in, he vigorously repeats. “Car car car car car” until i day “yes baby, a car.” 

5. He says his approximation of “please” after saying just about anything. Even if he isn’t necessarily asking for it. For example, we will be driving and he will point to a tree outside and grunt. He wants me to tell him what it is (even though he knows), so I will say “that’s a tree” and he will say “please.” He does this with random things on his tv shows too. I just reply with “we can’t have a _____ baby.” 

6. He hand flaps but only when he is trying to poop. Don’t know if this is just out of frustration/struggle or not. 

7. He will look at me occasionally with eye contact but isn’t the best. 

8. He is SOOOO hyperactive. Definitely think he has ADHD because my husband has it. He is currently in OT for that but she has just diagnosed him with a developmental delay. 
 
9. He doesn’t really care if he himself is dirty (occasionally freaks out about stuff on his hands), but if there is something on the floor like a stain, he freaks out and says “mama help” and won’t stop until I clean it up. 

10. Stopped eating anything “exotic” around 18 months. No more meat, pasta, veggies. Only eats bland stuff now like crackers, fruits, applesauces… doesn’t even really like juice. 


Things I’m not concerned about…

1. He responds to his name 

2. He plays with other kids… sometimes he likes to play more independent and watch/follow others. 

3. He points to things he wants & needs.

4. He can approximate words so he will tell me in his own way if he wants milk, snack, etc. 

5. He has always slept pretty good. Still naps. Just has to have his teddy bears. 


** I’m not looking for medical advice, just wanna see if anyone’s kids were similar. I just hate that the doctor pushed off my concerns if they truly are something I should be concerned about. ","The doctor dismissed our concerns as well. In fact, he stated that he knew my son wasn't autistic. At the time we went along with it because we didn't know any better and to be honest, it's probably what I wanted to hear. Later we got our son evaluated by the school and they told us they thought he's autistic. We never talked to that doctor again because he left his job because he didn't want to get the covid vaccine, so I guess that kind of took care of itself. After the school told us they think he's autistic, we got a referral from the doctors office. We just called and said ""the school told us he's autistic, give us a referral"" and they did. 

So my advice would be: Get a new doctor if you have to. One that listens to your concerns. Also see if you can get your child evaluated through the school district. Our son qualified for early childhood education. He had two years of this and is thriving in preschool now., Pediatricians are notorious for overlooking autism in young children, especially if the signs are subtle. If you have concerns I would seek a second opinion. Our doctor didn’t personally see signs in my youngest, but she said she prioritizes the reports of parents since we know our kids best, and put in a referral for an evaluation anyway., If you don't feel comfortable with your doctor then it's time to find another one and get a second opinion. Sometimes professionals aren't a good fit for us and that's OK., So only a developmental pediatrician or psychiatrist can diagnose autism. As for the OT she probably said he has gross or fine motor delays as she cannot diagnose development delay as that is outside of her scope. That said there is normal ranges for all sorts of development. Not talking at one is within normal. Some pronunciation issues can also be within normal as there is a wide range when kids are expected to be more clear. That said ask for a referral for developmental pediatrics as your OT mentioned it. They will put that through while you look for another pediatrician as you feel this one dismissed you. Have him evaluated by a SLP as well to make sure he is within normal. There are neurotypical kids who struggle with artic. Actually that used to be the main kids slps worked with until it flipped to be more speech delays. Good luck., I would talk to medical professionals because as you mention this isn't the place for medical advice. But from an anecdata perspective our son's trajectory was very, very different. At age 2:

\-he didn't particularly respond to name unless we were \*extremely\* persistent.

\-He did not play at all with other kids, nor was he at all interested in watching/following other kids play. It is only recently (nearing age 5) that he is showing interest in other children.

\-He had a few words but they were mostly made up words for his special interests.

\-Pointing had emerged, but we also had worked a lot on that with early intervention. We taught him PECS to communicate his needs., My son was very different from this, so I'll just share some of that experience. He started at a preschool the week after he turned 2. I thought he was a totally typical kid at this point; thanks to Covid restrictions I had no experience with 2-year-olds!

I volunteered in the classroom and I remember *so vividly* how floored I was by the other kids on my first day. They were cautious of the new environment, sticking close to their parents. My kid was clear on the other side of the playground the minute we got him out of the car. They weren't having anxiety because they accidentally touched paint. Even if they were shy and didn't talk to me, they still sat there and listened to me when I talked with them or was showing them how to do an activity. I didn't realize that my son was supposed to be able to understand so well what I was saying to him! If we set up a new activity and I said to a random kid, ""Hey Alex, come check out what we have here!"" the odds are that Alex would come over, check it out, and then decide if he wanted to do it. My son would literally just be running circles around the yard and had no awareness if everyone else was engaged with an activity. You would have to physically intervene in order to get his attention, let alone try to show him a new activity. And if he DID have an awareness, like if entire class did a game like ring-around-the-rosie in the middle of the yard, my son would stand off to the side and watch but he clearly didn't understand what to do.    

He still does that now at age 4.5. We went to an event at a local church and there were a few kids around age 6-8 there playing together. We know all of them and my son should have had no problem just to walk up and start playing with them. Instead, he hid behind a tree and watched them, clearly *wanting* to engage but not understanding how. One girl saw him and came up to say something to him (I was standing too far to hear) and he made his typical high-pitched squeal at her in response and then crouched down and hid his head. I just watched this all happen, because if I were to go up to him and try to help him, he would have meltdown.    

Again, all of his behavior at age 2 was stuff that I thought was just him being a normal 2yo until I saw him with a group of 15 other kids. I didn't realize that he SHOULDN'T immediately make a beeline for the swings when we arrive at the park. I now have an NT 20-month-old and can see that, while he may be excited for the swings, he still wants to make sure that mom and dad are close and he wants us to all walk over there together. When my autistic son elopes, my 20mo old expresses concern for his safety. It's been absolutely crazy to watch him develop so differently!!    

At exactly age 2, my son would clap at us if he needed something, but otherwise he made zero attempts to communicate. I have always said that I don't think that he even knew that he *could* communicate. When he was with other kids, he was still totally in his own world - like I said before, you couldn't get his attention unless you physically intervened.   

 Sorry that was kind of a jumble of random memories as they came to me. I think some of the stuff you mentioned could go either way. It's relatively typical for a 2yo to do, but if it were to last longer than that then it would be a concern (like the parroting thing). I know many kids are not diagnosed until they are closer to 3.     

My son doesn't have a level but with the severity of his socio-emotional delay and disregulation combined with his cognitive delays, I would put him at probably being level 2. A few days ago, someone here posted a video of a level 1 kid and I was stunned by how capable she seemed to be of communicating and learning.  

 I totally agree with getting a second opinion if you're concerned, but also because he is so relatively young I could see that they may ask you to wait a bit to get evaluated if they agree that the behavior is pretty typical for his age.  It's awesome that you  are so in tune with your kiddo, he is in great hands! 💙, Because of the ear infection, look into PANDAS, but follow your gut instincts. Get the baby properly tested., My kid’s pediatrician was certain she wasn’t autistic. She’s now diagnosed level 2. Pediatricians know medicine but they aren’t experts on development and they only see your kid for ten minutes a few times per year. They should not be treated as the authority here. OTs also can’t diagnose, but might have an opinion based off experience. (A few months into OT the provider told me “I can’t diagnose, but I’ve never been more certain a kid’s autistic.”), Ours too. It took from 15 months to 2 years to get a referral for speech. She's been it almost a year now. At her 3 year check she asked if we've thought about her being autistic and I said yes, but her dad also didn't speak until he was 4. She asked if he was on the spectrum I said probably, because he has adhd and they overlap.. but when he was a kid they moved around alllll the time and autism really wasn't thought about as much. I also think I'm probably autistic it runs in my family on both sides, but I was opposite. Spelled, read, spoke etc very early. She dropped it and said maybe it's a genetic thing. We have the eval set up, I know she's autistic and she's in therapies already,  I'd just like it to be in writing. I dont ever want her to wonder why her brain works the way it does the way her dad and I did., I changed doctors 3 times until I found a doctor that was supportive. When I finally found a supportive doctor she put in the referrals and my son was diagnosed at started early intervention at age 3., It sounds like you are super attentive and caring!! It's obvious that you're deeply invested in your child's well-being and development. While I of course can't diagnose or provide specific advice online, I can offer some general insights.

The behaviors you've described can indeed be noteworthy, and it's understandable that you're feeling concerned. Every child is unique, and development can vary widely from one individual to another. It's positive that your child is making progress with speech and communication, even if there are some challenges along the way.

If you feel like your concerns aren't being adequately addressed by your current healthcare provider, it might be worth seeking a second opinion or requesting a referral to a specialist who can conduct a more thorough evaluation. You mentioned OT, and bringing up your concerns to them and other professionals like speech-language therapists can hopefully give you valuable insight and more support tailored to your child's specific needs.

In the meantime, continue to provide your child with love, encouragement, and opportunities for growth and exploration :) Remember that you're not alone in this journey, and there are resources and support available to help you navigate any challenges that arise. Keep advocating for your child and trusting your instincts as a parent!!, I definitely second this. I'm in the process of getting a new doctor because the first doctor told me my son has sensory processing issues and just speech delay. He's 2 years old. He has frequent and explosive meltdowns, a picky eater, and delayed speech and is very aggressive when he doesn't get what he wants, which leads to even more explosive tantrums and screaming, kicking, biting and hitting. He's been kicked out of two daycares for his uncontrollable behavior and not taking naps. He's obsessed with doors and would always try to run out of the daycares. Deep down, I just feel like he has high functioning autisim., I’m so sorry to hear that… luckily we were able to get our little one into speech around 18 months, but like I said- they thought it was just speech delay. It’s so interesting that you said your husband didn’t talk until he was 4, because that is the EXACT same as my husband. He didn’t talk until 4, and he is very clearly ADHD. I actually have an ADHD diagnosis but I’m more of an inattentive rather than hyperactive. Makes me wonder… Do you mind me asking what signs your daughter has?, Not at all. She has very spotty eye contact. It's good with me and her dad but others she doesn't do it much. Very few gestures, doesn't show much emotion, doesn't point with 1 finger unless she's pointing in a book & it took her awhile to learn that. No pretend play. Delayed in fine motor skills. She has no sensory issues or repetitive behaviors/interests. Also, Super, super hyper. Like, she could run jump and climb all day long and still not be tired.

Also I wanted to add my daughter does the same approximations. She almost always cuts the word in half or leaves the first or last letter off. Like stop is op, no is na, ball is ba, daddy is day., The doctor dismissed our concerns as well. In fact, he stated that he knew my son wasn't autistic. At the time we went along with it because we didn't know any better and to be honest, it's probably what I wanted to hear. Later we got our son evaluated by the school and they told us they thought he's autistic. We never talked to that doctor again because he left his job because he didn't want to get the covid vaccine, so I guess that kind of took care of itself. After the school told us they think he's autistic, we got a referral from the doctors office. We just called and said ""the school told us he's autistic, give us a referral"" and they did. 

So my advice would be: Get a new doctor if you have to. One that listens to your concerns. Also see if you can get your child evaluated through the school district. Our son qualified for early childhood education. He had two years of this and is thriving in preschool now., Pediatricians are notorious for overlooking autism in young children, especially if the signs are subtle. If you have concerns I would seek a second opinion. Our doctor didn’t personally see signs in my youngest, but she said she prioritizes the reports of parents since we know our kids best, and put in a referral for an evaluation anyway., If you don't feel comfortable with your doctor then it's time to find another one and get a second opinion. Sometimes professionals aren't a good fit for us and that's OK., So only a developmental pediatrician or psychiatrist can diagnose autism. As for the OT she probably said he has gross or fine motor delays as she cannot diagnose development delay as that is outside of her scope. That said there is normal ranges for all sorts of development. Not talking at one is within normal. Some pronunciation issues can also be within normal as there is a wide range when kids are expected to be more clear. That said ask for a referral for developmental pediatrics as your OT mentioned it. They will put that through while you look for another pediatrician as you feel this one dismissed you. Have him evaluated by a SLP as well to make sure he is within normal. There are neurotypical kids who struggle with artic. Actually that used to be the main kids slps worked with until it flipped to be more speech delays. Good luck., I would talk to medical professionals because as you mention this isn't the place for medical advice. But from an anecdata perspective our son's trajectory was very, very different. At age 2:

\-he didn't particularly respond to name unless we were \*extremely\* persistent.

\-He did not play at all with other kids, nor was he at all interested in watching/following other kids play. It is only recently (nearing age 5) that he is showing interest in other children.

\-He had a few words but they were mostly made up words for his special interests.

\-Pointing had emerged, but we also had worked a lot on that with early intervention. We taught him PECS to communicate his needs., My son was very different from this, so I'll just share some of that experience. He started at a preschool the week after he turned 2. I thought he was a totally typical kid at this point; thanks to Covid restrictions I had no experience with 2-year-olds!

I volunteered in the classroom and I remember *so vividly* how floored I was by the other kids on my first day. They were cautious of the new environment, sticking close to their parents. My kid was clear on the other side of the playground the minute we got him out of the car. They weren't having anxiety because they accidentally touched paint. Even if they were shy and didn't talk to me, they still sat there and listened to me when I talked with them or was showing them how to do an activity. I didn't realize that my son was supposed to be able to understand so well what I was saying to him! If we set up a new activity and I said to a random kid, ""Hey Alex, come check out what we have here!"" the odds are that Alex would come over, check it out, and then decide if he wanted to do it. My son would literally just be running circles around the yard and had no awareness if everyone else was engaged with an activity. You would have to physically intervene in order to get his attention, let alone try to show him a new activity. And if he DID have an awareness, like if entire class did a game like ring-around-the-rosie in the middle of the yard, my son would stand off to the side and watch but he clearly didn't understand what to do.    

He still does that now at age 4.5. We went to an event at a local church and there were a few kids around age 6-8 there playing together. We know all of them and my son should have had no problem just to walk up and start playing with them. Instead, he hid behind a tree and watched them, clearly *wanting* to engage but not understanding how. One girl saw him and came up to say something to him (I was standing too far to hear) and he made his typical high-pitched squeal at her in response and then crouched down and hid his head. I just watched this all happen, because if I were to go up to him and try to help him, he would have meltdown.    

Again, all of his behavior at age 2 was stuff that I thought was just him being a normal 2yo until I saw him with a group of 15 other kids. I didn't realize that he SHOULDN'T immediately make a beeline for the swings when we arrive at the park. I now have an NT 20-month-old and can see that, while he may be excited for the swings, he still wants to make sure that mom and dad are close and he wants us to all walk over there together. When my autistic son elopes, my 20mo old expresses concern for his safety. It's been absolutely crazy to watch him develop so differently!!    

At exactly age 2, my son would clap at us if he needed something, but otherwise he made zero attempts to communicate. I have always said that I don't think that he even knew that he *could* communicate. When he was with other kids, he was still totally in his own world - like I said before, you couldn't get his attention unless you physically intervened.   

 Sorry that was kind of a jumble of random memories as they came to me. I think some of the stuff you mentioned could go either way. It's relatively typical for a 2yo to do, but if it were to last longer than that then it would be a concern (like the parroting thing). I know many kids are not diagnosed until they are closer to 3.     

My son doesn't have a level but with the severity of his socio-emotional delay and disregulation combined with his cognitive delays, I would put him at probably being level 2. A few days ago, someone here posted a video of a level 1 kid and I was stunned by how capable she seemed to be of communicating and learning.  

 I totally agree with getting a second opinion if you're concerned, but also because he is so relatively young I could see that they may ask you to wait a bit to get evaluated if they agree that the behavior is pretty typical for his age.  It's awesome that you  are so in tune with your kiddo, he is in great hands! 💙, Because of the ear infection, look into PANDAS, but follow your gut instincts. Get the baby properly tested., My kid’s pediatrician was certain she wasn’t autistic. She’s now diagnosed level 2. Pediatricians know medicine but they aren’t experts on development and they only see your kid for ten minutes a few times per year. They should not be treated as the authority here. OTs also can’t diagnose, but might have an opinion based off experience. (A few months into OT the provider told me “I can’t diagnose, but I’ve never been more certain a kid’s autistic.”), Ours too. It took from 15 months to 2 years to get a referral for speech. She's been it almost a year now. At her 3 year check she asked if we've thought about her being autistic and I said yes, but her dad also didn't speak until he was 4. She asked if he was on the spectrum I said probably, because he has adhd and they overlap.. but when he was a kid they moved around alllll the time and autism really wasn't thought about as much. I also think I'm probably autistic it runs in my family on both sides, but I was opposite. Spelled, read, spoke etc very early. She dropped it and said maybe it's a genetic thing. We have the eval set up, I know she's autistic and she's in therapies already,  I'd just like it to be in writing. I dont ever want her to wonder why her brain works the way it does the way her dad and I did., I changed doctors 3 times until I found a doctor that was supportive. When I finally found a supportive doctor she put in the referrals and my son was diagnosed at started early intervention at age 3., It sounds like you are super attentive and caring!! It's obvious that you're deeply invested in your child's well-being and development. While I of course can't diagnose or provide specific advice online, I can offer some general insights.

The behaviors you've described can indeed be noteworthy, and it's understandable that you're feeling concerned. Every child is unique, and development can vary widely from one individual to another. It's positive that your child is making progress with speech and communication, even if there are some challenges along the way.

If you feel like your concerns aren't being adequately addressed by your current healthcare provider, it might be worth seeking a second opinion or requesting a referral to a specialist who can conduct a more thorough evaluation. You mentioned OT, and bringing up your concerns to them and other professionals like speech-language therapists can hopefully give you valuable insight and more support tailored to your child's specific needs.

In the meantime, continue to provide your child with love, encouragement, and opportunities for growth and exploration :) Remember that you're not alone in this journey, and there are resources and support available to help you navigate any challenges that arise. Keep advocating for your child and trusting your instincts as a parent!!, I definitely second this. I'm in the process of getting a new doctor because the first doctor told me my son has sensory processing issues and just speech delay. He's 2 years old. He has frequent and explosive meltdowns, a picky eater, and delayed speech and is very aggressive when he doesn't get what he wants, which leads to even more explosive tantrums and screaming, kicking, biting and hitting. He's been kicked out of two daycares for his uncontrollable behavior and not taking naps. He's obsessed with doors and would always try to run out of the daycares. Deep down, I just feel like he has high functioning autisim., I’m so sorry to hear that… luckily we were able to get our little one into speech around 18 months, but like I said- they thought it was just speech delay. It’s so interesting that you said your husband didn’t talk until he was 4, because that is the EXACT same as my husband. He didn’t talk until 4, and he is very clearly ADHD. I actually have an ADHD diagnosis but I’m more of an inattentive rather than hyperactive. Makes me wonder… Do you mind me asking what signs your daughter has?, Not at all. She has very spotty eye contact. It's good with me and her dad but others she doesn't do it much. Very few gestures, doesn't show much emotion, doesn't point with 1 finger unless she's pointing in a book & it took her awhile to learn that. No pretend play. Delayed in fine motor skills. She has no sensory issues or repetitive behaviors/interests. Also, Super, super hyper. Like, she could run jump and climb all day long and still not be tired.

Also I wanted to add my daughter does the same approximations. She almost always cuts the word in half or leaves the first or last letter off. Like stop is op, no is na, ball is ba, daddy is day., The doctor dismissed our concerns as well. In fact, he stated that he knew my son wasn't autistic. At the time we went along with it because we didn't know any better and to be honest, it's probably what I wanted to hear. Later we got our son evaluated by the school and they told us they thought he's autistic. We never talked to that doctor again because he left his job because he didn't want to get the covid vaccine, so I guess that kind of took care of itself. After the school told us they think he's autistic, we got a referral from the doctors office. We just called and said ""the school told us he's autistic, give us a referral"" and they did. 

So my advice would be: Get a new doctor if you have to. One that listens to your concerns. Also see if you can get your child evaluated through the school district. Our son qualified for early childhood education. He had two years of this and is thriving in preschool now., Pediatricians are notorious for overlooking autism in young children, especially if the signs are subtle. If you have concerns I would seek a second opinion. Our doctor didn’t personally see signs in my youngest, but she said she prioritizes the reports of parents since we know our kids best, and put in a referral for an evaluation anyway., If you don't feel comfortable with your doctor then it's time to find another one and get a second opinion. Sometimes professionals aren't a good fit for us and that's OK., So only a developmental pediatrician or psychiatrist can diagnose autism. As for the OT she probably said he has gross or fine motor delays as she cannot diagnose development delay as that is outside of her scope. That said there is normal ranges for all sorts of development. Not talking at one is within normal. Some pronunciation issues can also be within normal as there is a wide range when kids are expected to be more clear. That said ask for a referral for developmental pediatrics as your OT mentioned it. They will put that through while you look for another pediatrician as you feel this one dismissed you. Have him evaluated by a SLP as well to make sure he is within normal. There are neurotypical kids who struggle with artic. Actually that used to be the main kids slps worked with until it flipped to be more speech delays. Good luck., I would talk to medical professionals because as you mention this isn't the place for medical advice. But from an anecdata perspective our son's trajectory was very, very different. At age 2:

\-he didn't particularly respond to name unless we were \*extremely\* persistent.

\-He did not play at all with other kids, nor was he at all interested in watching/following other kids play. It is only recently (nearing age 5) that he is showing interest in other children.

\-He had a few words but they were mostly made up words for his special interests.

\-Pointing had emerged, but we also had worked a lot on that with early intervention. We taught him PECS to communicate his needs., My son was very different from this, so I'll just share some of that experience. He started at a preschool the week after he turned 2. I thought he was a totally typical kid at this point; thanks to Covid restrictions I had no experience with 2-year-olds!

I volunteered in the classroom and I remember *so vividly* how floored I was by the other kids on my first day. They were cautious of the new environment, sticking close to their parents. My kid was clear on the other side of the playground the minute we got him out of the car. They weren't having anxiety because they accidentally touched paint. Even if they were shy and didn't talk to me, they still sat there and listened to me when I talked with them or was showing them how to do an activity. I didn't realize that my son was supposed to be able to understand so well what I was saying to him! If we set up a new activity and I said to a random kid, ""Hey Alex, come check out what we have here!"" the odds are that Alex would come over, check it out, and then decide if he wanted to do it. My son would literally just be running circles around the yard and had no awareness if everyone else was engaged with an activity. You would have to physically intervene in order to get his attention, let alone try to show him a new activity. And if he DID have an awareness, like if entire class did a game like ring-around-the-rosie in the middle of the yard, my son would stand off to the side and watch but he clearly didn't understand what to do.    

He still does that now at age 4.5. We went to an event at a local church and there were a few kids around age 6-8 there playing together. We know all of them and my son should have had no problem just to walk up and start playing with them. Instead, he hid behind a tree and watched them, clearly *wanting* to engage but not understanding how. One girl saw him and came up to say something to him (I was standing too far to hear) and he made his typical high-pitched squeal at her in response and then crouched down and hid his head. I just watched this all happen, because if I were to go up to him and try to help him, he would have meltdown.    

Again, all of his behavior at age 2 was stuff that I thought was just him being a normal 2yo until I saw him with a group of 15 other kids. I didn't realize that he SHOULDN'T immediately make a beeline for the swings when we arrive at the park. I now have an NT 20-month-old and can see that, while he may be excited for the swings, he still wants to make sure that mom and dad are close and he wants us to all walk over there together. When my autistic son elopes, my 20mo old expresses concern for his safety. It's been absolutely crazy to watch him develop so differently!!    

At exactly age 2, my son would clap at us if he needed something, but otherwise he made zero attempts to communicate. I have always said that I don't think that he even knew that he *could* communicate. When he was with other kids, he was still totally in his own world - like I said before, you couldn't get his attention unless you physically intervened.   

 Sorry that was kind of a jumble of random memories as they came to me. I think some of the stuff you mentioned could go either way. It's relatively typical for a 2yo to do, but if it were to last longer than that then it would be a concern (like the parroting thing). I know many kids are not diagnosed until they are closer to 3.     

My son doesn't have a level but with the severity of his socio-emotional delay and disregulation combined with his cognitive delays, I would put him at probably being level 2. A few days ago, someone here posted a video of a level 1 kid and I was stunned by how capable she seemed to be of communicating and learning.  

 I totally agree with getting a second opinion if you're concerned, but also because he is so relatively young I could see that they may ask you to wait a bit to get evaluated if they agree that the behavior is pretty typical for his age.  It's awesome that you  are so in tune with your kiddo, he is in great hands! 💙, Because of the ear infection, look into PANDAS, but follow your gut instincts. Get the baby properly tested., My kid’s pediatrician was certain she wasn’t autistic. She’s now diagnosed level 2. Pediatricians know medicine but they aren’t experts on development and they only see your kid for ten minutes a few times per year. They should not be treated as the authority here. OTs also can’t diagnose, but might have an opinion based off experience. (A few months into OT the provider told me “I can’t diagnose, but I’ve never been more certain a kid’s autistic.”), Ours too. It took from 15 months to 2 years to get a referral for speech. She's been it almost a year now. At her 3 year check she asked if we've thought about her being autistic and I said yes, but her dad also didn't speak until he was 4. She asked if he was on the spectrum I said probably, because he has adhd and they overlap.. but when he was a kid they moved around alllll the time and autism really wasn't thought about as much. I also think I'm probably autistic it runs in my family on both sides, but I was opposite. Spelled, read, spoke etc very early. She dropped it and said maybe it's a genetic thing. We have the eval set up, I know she's autistic and she's in therapies already,  I'd just like it to be in writing. I dont ever want her to wonder why her brain works the way it does the way her dad and I did., I changed doctors 3 times until I found a doctor that was supportive. When I finally found a supportive doctor she put in the referrals and my son was diagnosed at started early intervention at age 3., It sounds like you are super attentive and caring!! It's obvious that you're deeply invested in your child's well-being and development. While I of course can't diagnose or provide specific advice online, I can offer some general insights.

The behaviors you've described can indeed be noteworthy, and it's understandable that you're feeling concerned. Every child is unique, and development can vary widely from one individual to another. It's positive that your child is making progress with speech and communication, even if there are some challenges along the way.

If you feel like your concerns aren't being adequately addressed by your current healthcare provider, it might be worth seeking a second opinion or requesting a referral to a specialist who can conduct a more thorough evaluation. You mentioned OT, and bringing up your concerns to them and other professionals like speech-language therapists can hopefully give you valuable insight and more support tailored to your child's specific needs.

In the meantime, continue to provide your child with love, encouragement, and opportunities for growth and exploration :) Remember that you're not alone in this journey, and there are resources and support available to help you navigate any challenges that arise. Keep advocating for your child and trusting your instincts as a parent!!, I definitely second this. I'm in the process of getting a new doctor because the first doctor told me my son has sensory processing issues and just speech delay. He's 2 years old. He has frequent and explosive meltdowns, a picky eater, and delayed speech and is very aggressive when he doesn't get what he wants, which leads to even more explosive tantrums and screaming, kicking, biting and hitting. He's been kicked out of two daycares for his uncontrollable behavior and not taking naps. He's obsessed with doors and would always try to run out of the daycares. Deep down, I just feel like he has high functioning autisim., I’m so sorry to hear that… luckily we were able to get our little one into speech around 18 months, but like I said- they thought it was just speech delay. It’s so interesting that you said your husband didn’t talk until he was 4, because that is the EXACT same as my husband. He didn’t talk until 4, and he is very clearly ADHD. I actually have an ADHD diagnosis but I’m more of an inattentive rather than hyperactive. Makes me wonder… Do you mind me asking what signs your daughter has?, Not at all. She has very spotty eye contact. It's good with me and her dad but others she doesn't do it much. Very few gestures, doesn't show much emotion, doesn't point with 1 finger unless she's pointing in a book & it took her awhile to learn that. No pretend play. Delayed in fine motor skills. She has no sensory issues or repetitive behaviors/interests. Also, Super, super hyper. Like, she could run jump and climb all day long and still not be tired.

Also I wanted to add my daughter does the same approximations. She almost always cuts the word in half or leaves the first or last letter off. Like stop is op, no is na, ball is ba, daddy is day., The doctor dismissed our concerns as well. In fact, he stated that he knew my son wasn't autistic. At the time we went along with it because we didn't know any better and to be honest, it's probably what I wanted to hear. Later we got our son evaluated by the school and they told us they thought he's autistic. We never talked to that doctor again because he left his job because he didn't want to get the covid vaccine, so I guess that kind of took care of itself. After the school told us they think he's autistic, we got a referral from the doctors office. We just called and said ""the school told us he's autistic, give us a referral"" and they did. 

So my advice would be: Get a new doctor if you have to. One that listens to your concerns. Also see if you can get your child evaluated through the school district. Our son qualified for early childhood education. He had two years of this and is thriving in preschool now., Pediatricians are notorious for overlooking autism in young children, especially if the signs are subtle. If you have concerns I would seek a second opinion. Our doctor didn’t personally see signs in my youngest, but she said she prioritizes the reports of parents since we know our kids best, and put in a referral for an evaluation anyway., If you don't feel comfortable with your doctor then it's time to find another one and get a second opinion. Sometimes professionals aren't a good fit for us and that's OK., So only a developmental pediatrician or psychiatrist can diagnose autism. As for the OT she probably said he has gross or fine motor delays as she cannot diagnose development delay as that is outside of her scope. That said there is normal ranges for all sorts of development. Not talking at one is within normal. Some pronunciation issues can also be within normal as there is a wide range when kids are expected to be more clear. That said ask for a referral for developmental pediatrics as your OT mentioned it. They will put that through while you look for another pediatrician as you feel this one dismissed you. Have him evaluated by a SLP as well to make sure he is within normal. There are neurotypical kids who struggle with artic. Actually that used to be the main kids slps worked with until it flipped to be more speech delays. Good luck., I would talk to medical professionals because as you mention this isn't the place for medical advice. But from an anecdata perspective our son's trajectory was very, very different. At age 2:

\-he didn't particularly respond to name unless we were \*extremely\* persistent.

\-He did not play at all with other kids, nor was he at all interested in watching/following other kids play. It is only recently (nearing age 5) that he is showing interest in other children.

\-He had a few words but they were mostly made up words for his special interests.

\-Pointing had emerged, but we also had worked a lot on that with early intervention. We taught him PECS to communicate his needs., My son was very different from this, so I'll just share some of that experience. He started at a preschool the week after he turned 2. I thought he was a totally typical kid at this point; thanks to Covid restrictions I had no experience with 2-year-olds!

I volunteered in the classroom and I remember *so vividly* how floored I was by the other kids on my first day. They were cautious of the new environment, sticking close to their parents. My kid was clear on the other side of the playground the minute we got him out of the car. They weren't having anxiety because they accidentally touched paint. Even if they were shy and didn't talk to me, they still sat there and listened to me when I talked with them or was showing them how to do an activity. I didn't realize that my son was supposed to be able to understand so well what I was saying to him! If we set up a new activity and I said to a random kid, ""Hey Alex, come check out what we have here!"" the odds are that Alex would come over, check it out, and then decide if he wanted to do it. My son would literally just be running circles around the yard and had no awareness if everyone else was engaged with an activity. You would have to physically intervene in order to get his attention, let alone try to show him a new activity. And if he DID have an awareness, like if entire class did a game like ring-around-the-rosie in the middle of the yard, my son would stand off to the side and watch but he clearly didn't understand what to do.    

He still does that now at age 4.5. We went to an event at a local church and there were a few kids around age 6-8 there playing together. We know all of them and my son should have had no problem just to walk up and start playing with them. Instead, he hid behind a tree and watched them, clearly *wanting* to engage but not understanding how. One girl saw him and came up to say something to him (I was standing too far to hear) and he made his typical high-pitched squeal at her in response and then crouched down and hid his head. I just watched this all happen, because if I were to go up to him and try to help him, he would have meltdown.    

Again, all of his behavior at age 2 was stuff that I thought was just him being a normal 2yo until I saw him with a group of 15 other kids. I didn't realize that he SHOULDN'T immediately make a beeline for the swings when we arrive at the park. I now have an NT 20-month-old and can see that, while he may be excited for the swings, he still wants to make sure that mom and dad are close and he wants us to all walk over there together. When my autistic son elopes, my 20mo old expresses concern for his safety. It's been absolutely crazy to watch him develop so differently!!    

At exactly age 2, my son would clap at us if he needed something, but otherwise he made zero attempts to communicate. I have always said that I don't think that he even knew that he *could* communicate. When he was with other kids, he was still totally in his own world - like I said before, you couldn't get his attention unless you physically intervened.   

 Sorry that was kind of a jumble of random memories as they came to me. I think some of the stuff you mentioned could go either way. It's relatively typical for a 2yo to do, but if it were to last longer than that then it would be a concern (like the parroting thing). I know many kids are not diagnosed until they are closer to 3.     

My son doesn't have a level but with the severity of his socio-emotional delay and disregulation combined with his cognitive delays, I would put him at probably being level 2. A few days ago, someone here posted a video of a level 1 kid and I was stunned by how capable she seemed to be of communicating and learning.  

 I totally agree with getting a second opinion if you're concerned, but also because he is so relatively young I could see that they may ask you to wait a bit to get evaluated if they agree that the behavior is pretty typical for his age.  It's awesome that you  are so in tune with your kiddo, he is in great hands! 💙, Because of the ear infection, look into PANDAS, but follow your gut instincts. Get the baby properly tested., My kid’s pediatrician was certain she wasn’t autistic. She’s now diagnosed level 2. Pediatricians know medicine but they aren’t experts on development and they only see your kid for ten minutes a few times per year. They should not be treated as the authority here. OTs also can’t diagnose, but might have an opinion based off experience. (A few months into OT the provider told me “I can’t diagnose, but I’ve never been more certain a kid’s autistic.”), Ours too. It took from 15 months to 2 years to get a referral for speech. She's been it almost a year now. At her 3 year check she asked if we've thought about her being autistic and I said yes, but her dad also didn't speak until he was 4. She asked if he was on the spectrum I said probably, because he has adhd and they overlap.. but when he was a kid they moved around alllll the time and autism really wasn't thought about as much. I also think I'm probably autistic it runs in my family on both sides, but I was opposite. Spelled, read, spoke etc very early. She dropped it and said maybe it's a genetic thing. We have the eval set up, I know she's autistic and she's in therapies already,  I'd just like it to be in writing. I dont ever want her to wonder why her brain works the way it does the way her dad and I did., I changed doctors 3 times until I found a doctor that was supportive. When I finally found a supportive doctor she put in the referrals and my son was diagnosed at started early intervention at age 3., It sounds like you are super attentive and caring!! It's obvious that you're deeply invested in your child's well-being and development. While I of course can't diagnose or provide specific advice online, I can offer some general insights.

The behaviors you've described can indeed be noteworthy, and it's understandable that you're feeling concerned. Every child is unique, and development can vary widely from one individual to another. It's positive that your child is making progress with speech and communication, even if there are some challenges along the way.

If you feel like your concerns aren't being adequately addressed by your current healthcare provider, it might be worth seeking a second opinion or requesting a referral to a specialist who can conduct a more thorough evaluation. You mentioned OT, and bringing up your concerns to them and other professionals like speech-language therapists can hopefully give you valuable insight and more support tailored to your child's specific needs.

In the meantime, continue to provide your child with love, encouragement, and opportunities for growth and exploration :) Remember that you're not alone in this journey, and there are resources and support available to help you navigate any challenges that arise. Keep advocating for your child and trusting your instincts as a parent!!, I definitely second this. I'm in the process of getting a new doctor because the first doctor told me my son has sensory processing issues and just speech delay. He's 2 years old. He has frequent and explosive meltdowns, a picky eater, and delayed speech and is very aggressive when he doesn't get what he wants, which leads to even more explosive tantrums and screaming, kicking, biting and hitting. He's been kicked out of two daycares for his uncontrollable behavior and not taking naps. He's obsessed with doors and would always try to run out of the daycares. Deep down, I just feel like he has high functioning autisim., I’m so sorry to hear that… luckily we were able to get our little one into speech around 18 months, but like I said- they thought it was just speech delay. It’s so interesting that you said your husband didn’t talk until he was 4, because that is the EXACT same as my husband. He didn’t talk until 4, and he is very clearly ADHD. I actually have an ADHD diagnosis but I’m more of an inattentive rather than hyperactive. Makes me wonder… Do you mind me asking what signs your daughter has?, Not at all. She has very spotty eye contact. It's good with me and her dad but others she doesn't do it much. Very few gestures, doesn't show much emotion, doesn't point with 1 finger unless she's pointing in a book & it took her awhile to learn that. No pretend play. Delayed in fine motor skills. She has no sensory issues or repetitive behaviors/interests. Also, Super, super hyper. Like, she could run jump and climb all day long and still not be tired.

Also I wanted to add my daughter does the same approximations. She almost always cuts the word in half or leaves the first or last letter off. Like stop is op, no is na, ball is ba, daddy is day.",Symptoms,Early Signs
"Today we had a meeting with our ABA therapist, at the very end she mentioned that my little one sometimes smells like weed(we live in a legal state) , she said it wasn't a big deal but if Mabey we could change her or have extra clothes so she doesn't smell like it. I was so embarrassed, we don't really smoke around our daughter but we do smoke in the basement when she's sleeping or not around, I smell it sometimes but I didn't think we smelled that strong. I just don't want them thinking I'm a shitty parent and Chong out in the same room or have it around her all the time like that.  I told her dad we will have to move back outside, it was a really cold winter where we live and that's the only reason we posted up in the basement anyway. He seemed to brush it off but I'm devastated, I feel irresponsible, embarrassed guilty and ashamed , I promise just because I'm a pot head doesn't mean I don't take great care of my child, what do yall think? Does it make me a bad mom? My foot's down and we are out of basement regardless, but the impression and impact have already been made 😶😞","It’s mortifying yes, but the ABA person really did you a solid by telling you so now you can do something about it., It's a really pungent smell, and kind of hard to avoid. I would say either get a vape. They don't smell nearly as much. Or smoke outside. Maybe get a small space heater in the garage if you have one. , Get a pen? You get smell blind, that shit REEKS lol., I don’t think you are a shitty parent, many people use marijuana to relax and it is legal in many places. However, any smoke exposure to young lungs does have the potential to be harmful, no matter what is being burned (wildfire smoke, wood burning stoves, cigarette smoke, weed smoke all pose health risks to some degree to kids). I would attempt to minimize the kids’ exposure to inhaled smoke from any source. THC also has psychoactive effects, and children exposed to THC through second hand smoke can absorb enough to trigger a urine drug screen; we don’t really know what low levels of exposure do to developing brains. 
Practically, I found the Coway air purifiers to be awesome at getting weed smells out of the air when we lived above heavy weed smokers. I have asthma that was being triggered pretty badly, and the air purifier helped substantially even though our neighbors continued to smoke at the same rate.

Some data about second hand marijuana exposure in children:

Johnson, A.B., et al. (2021) Association between secondhand marijuana smoke and respiratory infections in children. Pediatric Research. doi.org/10.1038/s41390-021-01641-0.

Wilson KM, Torok MR, Wei B, Wang L, Lowary M, Blount BC. Marijuana and Tobacco Coexposure in Hospitalized Children. Pediatrics. 2018 Dec;142(6):e20180820. doi: 10.1542/peds.2018-0820. PMID: 30455340; PMCID: PMC6317534., The smell can travel through the vents, so it’s possible she could smell like it as well as have exposure. Also if you don’t air off, or if your husband has facial hair and then kisses your kid, the smell and even residue depending on how you’re partaking can transfer that way too. My partner does it, and I’ve had to address it several times., I’d be concerned about the exposure to secondhand smoke for the kiddo. That’s really not great for her lungs for numerous reasons. You guys must be smoking tons for your child to smell like it consistently. 

I’d maybe think about laying off it or really cutting back and at least using edibles instead of combustible products. 

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with indulging sometimes but if both parents are blitzed every night, what’s going to happen if she starts having a medical emergency and you don’t notice or cannot react appropriately? It’s honestly really nice of the therapist to clue you in because I think a lot of people would just report you if your child smelled like weed all the time. 

I totally understand that parenting a child with autism can be stressful af and at the end of the day, oblivion can look pretty inviting…but is that a good longterm habit for your family?

Studies have shown the increased use of substances by parents with special needs kids to cope, so it isn’t uncommon at all. Just think seriously about toning it down and an alternative method. If that seems unfathomable, you may be more addicted than you realize.

And this is all coming from someone who has smoked buckets of weed, fyi., I have a unique perspective here. I don't judge anyone one bit- to each their own. But I have one of those super rare allergies to weed. When I am close to someone who partakes and it's on their clothes, it's hard to breathe, my eyes swell, and one time I broke out in hives. 

You're not a bad parent, but since it's a medical location, they have to think about these things., Why not invest in edibles? The gummy ones don’t leave a bad scent iirc, It does have a strong smell. Just smoke outside., Even if it’s legal where you live I wouldn’t be too surprised if I were you if you received a visit from CPS. Not trying to scare you but prepare you. Don’t trust every professional. They may try to comfort you to your face but still have another agenda. So even if she said don’t worry it’s not a big deal, it certainly is. Try to cool it or take a break from smoking. CPS is not something to duck around with., Im a stoner myself...I dont understand how your child smells like it if their clean clothes are in a dresser and you only smoke when shes asleep in her\* pajamas- the smoke would dissipate no?....make it make sense girly because it doesn't-stoner to stoner it sounds like you're not as careful as you make out. I have never in my 15 years of smoking been called out for smelling it much less my kids. be more careful., Edibles, Smoke outside. Vapes are great. As long as you're not schmacked and you can properly care for your child and react in an emergency situation, you're fine., Smokers never realize how bad the smell is. Might want to switch to edibles., Get a Smoke Hunter or Smoke Buddy. That’s what we do and it is honestly amazing. I’ve tried both and my fave is the Smoke Hunter as it has replaceable filters., From a medical professional's view, my concern would be she's going to report you to CPS. Hopefully not, and I wouldn't report it either, but it happens quite frequently. Tbf, I may be accused of underreporting, but I also know how much damage the system and its incompetent workers can and do cause, so I weigh the possibility of harm heavily before ever reporting anything. Telling someone to stop doing something is the best course of action, but not everyone handles these things the same way. This person is most likely a mandated reporter. 

You cannot expose your child to second hand smoke, period. We have conclusive evidence from longitudinal studies that it causes active harm. Every time. It also causes health issues down the road. Whether it's legal in your jurisdiction or not, the War on Drugs is still happening in the US, and there are plenty of people in professional and government positions who equate any use with being a ""junkie"" which is equated to being an unfit parent. It's really no different than going somewhere with your child and smelling of alcohol. Now imagine your child smells of booze. If you can smell it, impairment is going to be the automatic assumption. It's still illegal at a federal level, and there are still a lot of prejudices against it. Technically, any business receiving federal funds, to include insurance (Medicaid, Medicare) or government subsidies, has to follow federal guidelines. It's a federal schedule 1 drug. It's not legal. 

Regardless of the legality in your area, if your child smells like a marijuana, she's clearly being exposed. That's not legal in any jurisdiction. So while I understand you feel like crap because you feel judged, and are worried that someone may think you're a ""bad parent"", you need to look at the bigger picture and potential implications. Parents of disabled children are way more likely to come into contact with child welfare. Don't ever do anything to increase the chances. It's too easy for them to come in and try to argue a case of medical or environmental neglect. They definitely argue impairment, and if both parents are getting impaired, they've got enough to a court case. 

I see so much petty, ignorant shit from child welfare in general. Being educated and understanding anything about pharmacology or even child development is not a requirement for the job. They really want a warm body that will stay because the turnover rates are so high and staffing is always an issue. Don't smoke in your home or car. Don't wear your smoking jacket to appointments. It's called Skunk for a reason-- the shit stinks. Badly. 

I wish that people would use weed responsibly rather than drink alcohol or use harder substances, to include pharmaceuticals. Preferably consuming without smoke damage because smoking is awful for your health, and most lung cancers have a poor prognosis. Our population would be so much healthier if this were the standard. It'd be a lot safer. Accidents and DV rates would go down. Health outcomes would improve. I'm definitely pro THC use, especially in the absence of toxic drinking and pill abuse culture. If you ever look up the rates of the harm alcohol and such causes our total population, it's easy to see how harmful it is. I support your responsible use. People being able to tell you indulge because you or your child smells like pot is a problem. Mitigate it, and if CPS does contact you, contact an atty right away before you go and tell them all that you've written here. I seriously hope that doesn't happen; I just see it way too often to stay silent about the risks.

ETA: You are NOT a shitty parent!!, Ehh it probably helps your sanity in the long run. Doesnt make you a bad person. I feel like everyone needs to escape at some point, especially with what we all deal w on a daily basis. 
I changed to edibles myself when I'm at home because of the smell. I dont drink and just need to relax at night some days after the kid goes to sleep. Just smoke outside..., We do it college-style and run the shower and smoke out the bathroom window. We also don't sit and marinate in it, we take our puffs and get it done with. I was 21 before I ever realized my dad was doing the same thing throughout our childhood 😂

If you're in the basement it's incredibly easy for the smell/smoke to seep up through the rest of the house. We also have all the laundry in the basement, is that where yours is? It might be why the smell lingers on your little one., You’re not a shitty parent. I smoke too. But we do carts because there is no smell. But yeah, I wouldn’t actually smoke in the house. When my husband and I smoke flower, we went outside because that smell went EVERYWHERE if we didn’t. Garage? Smell traveled through the garage, laundry room and then most of house. It was a small home to begin with. 

Just ensure her clothes and room do not have the smell. It’s another sacrifice we have to make in a world of sacrifices and it does suck but I would be more embarrassed if my kiddo went to school smelling like weed., Is this a safe space to air your guilt it seems as if there might be a few peeps in here that would call CPS. As far as a shitty parent throw that away. You are awesome parents we all fall short. You are still there doing everything in your power to ensure that your daughter is comfortable and never feels alone right? Then pat yourself on the back and keep on trucking. And be careful who you tell your bad news to… I heard it somewhere. Yea I do smoke. But with smiles like my son gives his mother and I. I am far from a shitty parent. No one should be judging someone else especially in here we are the parents of Autism the most unrewarding/rewarding job.

https://preview.redd.it/wsd5g06f84kc1.jpeg?width=4284&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=b74148d80a94c1bab6cb0e17eb3645344e2e4185, There is a wonderful German vaporizer out there, from Störz und Bickel, I have tried all of them, the new Venti is awesome! You can smoke it indoors, and only use half as much flower. It’s worth saving for if you need to medicate often., Smoking is 100% fine. Just do your best to keep her away from it. I know you’re in the basement far from her but, as some have said, it travels. Plus it lingers on you. Try going outside or maybe getting a pen vs flower. If you want to smoke flower outside have “outside” clothes to change in and out of that you can keep in a closet or something that isn’t used. Maybe like a robe to quickly throw on and off., A vape won’t smell, If you are getting high together while your daughter is in the house and even her clothes smell now but you don't even notice, then it's definitely time to change your attitude regarding drugs and parenting. My personal opinion is that doing drugs while being a parent is unacceptable regardless, but if you can't handle or don't want to quit them, at least do it one parent at a time (so there is always someone sober to deal with emergencies) and as far away from the child as possible., Get those air sanitizer fans for the basement. You can get them for around $100. You can spend more of course but that might help you with the weed smell., I've been blazing for decades and currently am raising multiple kids. I vape now which def reduces the smell significantly. Burning weed just stinks however. While I do love smoking a j with friends, burning weed near kids should be avoided imo... u could get away with vaping however and alot of the time nobody even knows I vaped a bowl around the house lol

But overall being ripped while trying to be a good parent is not easy... for me I become dumb as shit so it's best to do it when the kids are in bed lol, You're not a shitty parent. You didn't know the smell would reach your kid when you were in the basement. 

It sounds like the ABA person was looking after you, because I'm sure there are others who would freak out about it. 

Can you do edibles if it's too cold outside? Work on a smaller dose if you get paranoid.

Vaping is an option, but it's not my favorite. 

I use POOPH spray to get any odors out of my home. It works great., A vape is a really nice alternative., I think the ABA professional def did the right thing telling you! As long as they did it in a polite way, since you live in a legalized state. I don’t smoke at all, so the smell of weed is SO strong to me, and it is to everyone else who doesn’t smoke. The smell of cigs is just as strong, I can smell either right away, they are just the kind of smells that hit you in the face. 

It’s legal in your state though, so it shouldn’t be an issue. While I don’t smoke, I understand that anyone who lives in a home that has smokers (weed or cigs) is going to smell of it even if they are never in the same room at the time of smoking. 

Best you can do is put her in clothes fresh from the dryer before heading to ABA/Therapies, or keep clothes fresh from dyer in a separate closet than her regular clothes and only use those clothes for her to put on right before ABA., So I know lots of ppl have said try edibles… and you’ve tried them… BUT the difference for me between the two is that I control the dose better with smoking as it’s immediate. I mitigate with edibles by just doing low doses or I’m biting gummies in half or quarters like a lame parent and have tried lots of different strains. And you could combine it with a vape maybe? Last week I had a joint in the car, (parked car of course) by the Korean spa and then spent the whole day there and drove home and let me tell you.. I still can’t give anyone else a ride in the car 😂 and have regrets lol. I just think the smell is soo pungent that you don’t have to be smoking much for things to stink!! Sending hugs! ♥️, Smoke outside only for sure., I don’t think you’re a bad mom, but your response to this revelation leads me to believe that you harbor some guilt.  Smoke outside, and find out what you feel guilty about so you can heal too, and be an even more fantastic mom!, If you’re smoking so much that your kid smells like it, that’s not normal or responsible., Look people do all kinds of things! At least it’s weed. Just make those changes and go on.  This doesn’t make you any less of a parent you’re still a great mom ❤️, I live in a legal state too, but dont smoke. The smoke sticks to you just like cigarettes do. The basement probably doesn't get very good ventilation too. The therapist definitely did you a solid by letting you know she smelled. Definitely start smoking outside, just like what's recommended for cigarettes and kids ., I smoke, dear.  I got chewed out by the doctor too, but it's medical so🤷‍♀️, Learn and live. It is a good heads up feedback. A bad parent makes meth on the stove or beats their kids. If you love your child and are fighting for them, you are doing so much already., I don't think you are and I'm sorry this is making you feel so crappy. I think it's a learning experience and definitely something you want to be aware of, but now you are. I don't think there's any big impact made either. I smoke in the evenings when my kids are asleep but more often then not i vape because i do not want to go outside at night 80% of the year lol cold or bugs. I totally get it as i would be feeling badly too but realistically no harm done and now you know. I think those of us in here are used to a lot of judgement and the brain just leaps there but don't be too hard on yourself here., You are not a shitty parent! Honestly, if I DIDN’T smoke I would be a shitty parent. So, on cold nights, hole yourselves up in the bathroom, open the window and act like a teenager trying to get away with smoking in your parents house by blowing it directly out the window and then running the fan for a bit., I’d say the weed potentially makes you a better parent if it’s helping you to keep it together and stay sane but maybe you can look into alternatives to reduce smell, I’m not judging you in any way shape or form, but you shouldn’t be smoking weed or doing drugs if you have kids. Just my .02, OP, of COURSE you're not a shitty parent.

The fact that you are asking this question is SOLID evidence that you are a GOOD parent.  

Legal is legal.  Agree that marijuana can be part of a helpful self care routine.  

Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater.  This is just some helpful feedback to you to pursue edibles or a vape pen instead.

And honestly, while I respect therapists a lot, ABA therapists are sort of a dime a dozen.  I've had so many therapists rotate in and out of my kid's life.  This is just one person among MANY.  

Maybe you'll still be affected by this in 5 days, but probably not in 5 months and certainly not in 5 years.  

This is a short term blip.  Carry on, mama.  Take care of yourself FIRST!, I’d try not to worry about it but I’d be upset too 😭😭Might want to wash her clothes that are put away and air out the place….people get used to the scent in their house. Get some scent beads so the laundry smells really good and stop smoking inside lol it’ll be ok, The fact that this made you reevaluate yourself as parent is enough to show that you are not a shitty parent. We all have our vices but that doesn't mean we don't or we can't take care of our children., Vape pen, As long as it's not in same room as her your not a shitty parent.
Plenty people have a drink at night.
Maybe going outside is answer, a shed or garage.
You could take a baby alarm incase your daughter wakes up, I’m more concerned here about ABA, if you arent smoking around your kid then don't feel bad just because the therapist is judgemental, I think a lot of ppl judge cause they haven’t experienced the same hardships as u everyone is different on how they deal with stress for one. Having children with ASD is not for the weak honey so u get a virtual hug and fist bump from me. Maybe invest in a vape like suggested and if it’s legal in ur state then I don’t see why CPS would even be involved. Some still classify it as a “drug” and are weird about it so u have to be weird about it too in a sense. I’m not sure how u feel about Febreeeze there’s an antibacterial one thts made for upholstery tht kills the smell. Our son doesn’t like the incense smell it’s a little too thick but the Glade plugins work like there’s little stuff you should tighten up on so ppl won’t be in ur business like tht. Keep going on and keep taking care of your baby to the best of your ability! The fact tht u feel bad about it alone should attest to ur true feelings, this is just a stress reliever I feel u…, Would you be embarrassed if your therapist knew you drink wine or beer at home? No different, except for the smell. Just move outside no big deal., I would recommend burning incense or candles, even essential oils while you smoke and if you’re in the basement is there a window you can open too?, Not a shitty parent, but might be a good time to check out r/leaves ., You are not a shitty parent. This is just some societal bullshit about marijuana. As long as it’s not affecting your ability to parent, don’t feel bad.

Do what you Gotta do to make sure the kid doesn’t smell like she’s burned one on the way over, but parents, of all people, need a way to chill, [deleted], I think you're fine, weed smoke is less dangerous than 2nd hand cigarette smoke., If it's legal tell that doctor to go fuck themselves, Not a shitty parent. You smoke away from your little. The scent lingers on clothes. I would have explained that unless the smell was bothering any other patients at the clinic that you're not making any changes to your system bc it works. And your kid isn't in the vicinity of it when partaking. Life is hard enough, I'm not about to add a bunch of extra steps to my day bc someone smelled it unless it's bothering them sensory wise 🤷

If you want to decrease the smell; exhaling into/towards a little hepa filter will help dissipate/filter the smoke and smell from the air and lessen the chance of it lingering in you., I guess the therapist is stepping over the boundaries, you as a prent doing your best bringing to the ABA, and if the child has some trace of weed (which I agree weed do smell very strong), should not be her concern unless therw is a clear sign that the child was in that environment. 


I personally would have changed., Open the windows while smoking, smoke in one designated area, and try to keep her belongings away from that designated area. I’m a smoker, I make sure I wash absolutely everything down from curtains to walls., Have you tied edibles instead? I cannot stand weed smell either lol…, I went to an ABA appointment reeking in 2002 before it was legalized… it was pretty mortifying but I was assured by many doctors, teachers, para-pros and even a CPS officer that they wished more parents would smoke instead of drinking., I do support the go outside decision, or change to a vape. 

We grow and I am super paranoid about smell. I make sure my son’s clothes are always put away with the door closed. His closet has a small spaces air freshener. 

if you have a garage that is not built into the house you could move to there and get fans. We have an attached garage where we grow. If the smell gets too strong hubby has to open windows and doors then put fans up to blow the smell outside.

Also consider where your furnace is and remember it blows air all through the house. A normal furnace filter can’t prevent the smell. There maybe a better (charcoal) filter that would help. 

I don’t think you’re a bad parent and clearly the aba therapist doesn’t either since they gave you a heads up, Agreed, Agreed., I'm pro weed, but that smell! God, it's terrible., yes! this is why i switched to vape and gummies-- no smell and much more discreet in every way. Kids eventually
get older and more observant. this way, it's a non-issue., I'll read these, Thank you for saying something I might not want to hear but needed to., You would only be a bad parent if you didn't make changes here. I would also gently suggest airing out the house and giving it a good clean like shampooing furniture/rugs etc. if your daughter has a strong weed odor, your house probably does too. We all make mistakes, and as mistakes go, this isn't a huge one., Came here to say all this - using weed is AN issue but not THE issue. The secondhand (from vents and general indoor airflow) and thirdhand smoke (from clothes and skin) is the major issue as it pertains to the kid. Smoking and vaping should not be done indoors - outdoors only. Take a walk.

The clothes and skin will still affect her even if you're not smoking/vaping indoors, something to seriously consider., While I love a good edible husband band me because I get paranoid 😂, Edibles don't work for everyone unfortunately 🥲, I know someone this happened to, in a legal state, got a cps visit due to the scent on child’s clothes. Childcare providers and medical professionals are all mandated reporters in my region. Luckily this child was from a very loving home and it was only a single visit before the case was closed. They did show up unannounced, and needed to look around the interior of the house. They found no ashtrays or other related material out in the open, looked in the pantry to make sure there was food available, and looked to make sure the child had their own bed. They asked questions like if there were any unsecured weapons, and made sure there were no other concerning issues with the dwelling, then left., We could be more careful agreed we will be making some changes for sure, We walk into the garage to get in the car and I know that is no good, I'm going to change a few things and the problem will be solved, If you’re not familiar with marijuana, and it sounds like you’re not because it’s not “doing drugs” like freebasing or something, it’s possible to have a little bud well still maintaining your sobriety. 

This would be like telling parents they must stop drinking all forms of alcohol to be a good parent. 

Life is hard. Being a parent is hard. We don’t need to shame each other. I know some people haven’t been around marijuana as much as others and that’s mostly a societal thing, but temperance is the key just like alcohol., Do you not drink alcohol? Caffeine?, I agree with this. And I'm judging too. Making your toddler smell of weed? Absolutely bad parenting, there's no other way to look at this., I'm not sure about the therapist being judgemental here, if my kid smelled like weed, I'd want to know. If the therapist smelled it on the kid then there's a good chance others will too. Definitely something I'd want to nip in the bud (pun intended), Our therapy place has a sign about smells (legal state here too) because of kids with sensory issues who are sensitive to strong smells. Could be why it was brought up., I think it came out of a place of like honesty and like care and compassion actually it felt very nonjudgmental but I still feel horrible that she even smells like it, If my kid reeked of booze I would probably feel just as bad, Weed haters?! Get out of here. There’s a time and place for everything. And they are definitely in the wrong place doing it if outsiders can smell what you are partaking in. Let alone daughter’s lungs., I'm fine with making a few changes anyway, we had no business smoking down there in the first place, I knew the smoke would rise some I guess but I imagine the layout doesn't help, and we have to walk through it to get into the car in the garage in the am is what I imagine it all stems from frankly I just didn't notice because I'm nose blind to it I guess, it probably doesn't help we binge smoke we won't smoke for a few days then we would blitz it out down there for a few hrs an evening here or there.... it's cool I feel guilty cuz I am fr, there's no excuse and I need to make a change, Are you nuts?!!!, Safeguarding a child is everyone's responsibility., I don't think she did, I think she did me a solid fr, But I don’t think it makes you a bad mom and I don’t think she meant it to come off that way from the sounds of it., It's awful. My neighbor is chronically smoking, and I smell skunk every single day. It's an awful smell., Agreed I love them. Just wish the cartridges weren't so expensive., Hey, I can tell just by your response you’re a great mom. We all make mistakes. Really. When I was going through it with one of my kids I was drinking a lot without really even thinking about it and then it became something I needed to relax at night and it started making me tired and cranky in the morning too. I feel immensely better now having quit. I still need help for my anxiety, I’m working on that., We are implementing change! Thank you for the suggestion we have been thinking about shampooing carpets probably a great time to do so, You might just need to try different types or dosages? But you know your tolerance the best, so if you don't think it will work then definitely consider a vape pen, they tend to be less pungent, and on weekends you can indulge in the sticky icky :) please don't beat yourself up for this though, you're not a bad parent. Heck, my religious PCP actually suggested I get on the state medical program because she felt it would help my overwhelming anxiety, etc. and she was right. I was too paranoid on the real stuff so I do one (or less) edible a day and it keeps me very mellow with my twins, I don't think I would be nearly as good a mom if I weren't partaking. I hope you find a solution that works!!, Wow it’s the opposite for me.  Smoking or vaping makes super paranoid but edibles are a relaxed brain.  I think also maybe talk to your dispensary about different type of edibles, the terpenes impact the mental state quite a bit.

Do not beat yourself up for taking a substance to help de-stress.  You need to self care to be the best parent you can be for the kids and with limited time a little weed can go a long way to refilling your mental and emotional batteries for the next day., I am very familiar with this stuff and in over 20 years I have never met someone that edibles don't work for. There are some no good edibles out there that just have CBD or something weak. I would say CBD doesn't work for a lot of people. However real edibles work in the same way as smoking although it can take longer to hit you., Ah shit :/ Then outside would probably be OP’s other option, Eeek! Even if you know what you’re doing is legal that is still terrifying to go through. Thank goodness it was only one visit! That’s why I had to chime in because I didn’t want OP to think it was no biggie when it absolutely is., The reality is, CPS thinks exactly like this. You can't be impaired and responsibly care for your child, be it booze, weed, or otherwise. It's child neglect and endangerment. This is something they remove kids for. They make parents drug test and go through drug programs over smoking weed and exposing their children to it . The legal system enacts drug testing in dependency, family, and criminal courts. They send people to jail for positive tests. They remove custody and mandate treatment programs. This is a thing with alcohol as well. They make a ton of money in this area alone.  The rehab industry is tightly intertwined with the legal system, and it shows. 

What's going on is easily considered child neglect via parental capacity and environmental harm. Every parent needs to understand how this is treated and dealt with in our society because it's a risk, even higher when there is a disabled child. If other people know what you're up to in your private time, you're being irresponsible about it. Whether you're telling people or you're a walking bowl/beer, it's a problem. Don't smoke anything inside your house or car with your kids. 

Never give people a reason to invade your privacy and take control of your child. This is one area where people give their power away. Don't do it. Being naive gets people into trouble.  You can accuse other people of not understanding marijuana, but it's clear to me you don't understand the medical, child welfare, and legal system. Protect yourself and your children., I stopped drinking alcohol around my kids. I may have a glass of champagne or wine, only after my kids have gone to bed, but very sparingly. Thanks to my wife who really enforces it.

Are you seriously trying to bring a cup of coffee into this as a way to justify getting high off of weed? 🤦‍♂️, that makes sensw, You’re lucky to have someone who brought it to your attention in a place of compassion. I really don’t want my son to grow up familar with that smell. I smoked weed my whole life heavily, and quit when I got pregnant. I’m no saint trust me. I don’t want you to feel like I’m bashing you at all. It’s your choice and guess what? A shitty parent wouldn’t care! If you were a shitty parent you would blame the therapist, be in denial, or literally just be like “whatevs”
You’re a GOOD parent!, Why would a kid smell like booze if their parents drink wine with dinner?, Weed haters v child haters, really.

The child smells so strongly, and the parents didn't know, suggest much more than an occasional at night!

So here's a child who's already neurodivergent and now inhaling secondhand products that cause all of this in children:

lung irritation 
asthma attacks
Cancer
Increased anxiety and increased suicide risk/selfharm
Brain development issues [permanent effects on executive function, memory, impaired thinking, and even IQ. 
increased risk of respiratory and ear infections  
Increases the risk of sudden death in infants - yes, this doesn't just affect babies

All of this added into a child already fighting against the odds. 

Any parent that allows this is not a good parent.

Even the snell on clothes is passed to the child, and passive smoking occurs. Likewise, when they then walk through the home, the smell and smoke moves around the home. There is no way to make smoking of any type safe for children.

Parents high in this manner pose a risk to their children, in the case of an emergency, in the same way that parents who are more than tipsy do if there's no responsible adult within the home. Having worked in social services, I saw plenty of examples where this led to children being placed elsewhere and removed from their home when there was an incident or potential for one.

Our children are our most precious treasures and we need to be doing everything to keep them safe., Did you at least read and understand what I wrote?

The therapist made the parent embarrassed and uncomfortable despite they dont smoke next to the child.

Some therapists step over their boundaries and they ha e the right to be with therapists they feel comfortable. 

And yes, thanks for downvotes!, I personally like the smell but then again I'm a weed smoker. The when I haven't smoked in a long time, I definitely noticed the smell a lot. , Well, start meeting more people because it is a thing., Edibles give me a wicked hangover.  I wish they worked well., They also take way longer to wear off, which is an issue if you have to be on parent duty again in a few hours (or like, the next day, depending on the edible), I also am very familiar with it haha. Some can lack the enzymes to process edibles. Some folks have spent hundreds on high quality dispensary products. Doc certified that they don't work for some and it sucks.

It's me, I'm some folks. Now you've met someone that edibles don't work on, huzzah 🥲, No, I don’t want people to let their guard down about this, I’m just sick of the marijuana stigma, and I don’t smoke. People can responsibly do their own thing as long as they know what they’re doing., Why would their kids smell like weed if they smoked outside, Thank you for explaining it better than I could. And also adding in the CPS aspect. I mentioned that in another comment because I couldn’t believe no one had brought it up. This is definitely playing with fire and all the non chalant behavior was concerning., When parents eff up, it is ABSOLUTELY the job of others to interfere for the safety of the children. OP is not guiltless or blameless. It’s their own damn fault they felt ashamed or embarrassed or uncomfortable. Honestly, it’s what they deserve., I never really noticed how godawful it smells until I quit using/smelling it for a while & then started smelling it everywhere. It lingers and clings to people. Sometimes I'm in a store or otherwise public place & it smells like someone's smoking. It's a mix of smoke, bong water, and skunk spray. I'm not convinced people who are partaking understand how much they smell because smoking damages your sense of smell (which is actually a plus for sensory issues, ime), and people are blind to smells like that because they smoke all the time. People can't smell themselves or their homes well. Just the odor of cigarette & weed smoke causes allergic/immunity reactions & that sucks., I don't personally see a lot of marijuana stigma outside of Boomers and ignorant people who are propagandized. It's certainly not rooted in actual reality. There will always be uneducated idiots running amuk, but the important piece is to know how this is actually handled in our society, and it's not great. People are still getting arrested and serving life sentences over marijuana. People are still having their children removed and experiencing lifelong trauma over marijuana. That's the reality of the US, whether people are seeing this side of it or not. Parents must be careful, especially parents of disabled children because they're automatically reported at a much higher rate than parents of typical children. Our society is deeply ableist, and when children are deemed to be different, the parents tend to be blamed. Again, ignorant society., I'm glad she made me feel uncomfortable quite frankly it obviously need address and we are making some changes!, Yes, many times mandatory reporters cross the line but this is not one of those times., Just calm down, you are not part of her therapists and you are already feel entitled... she, as a parent has the right to choose any therapist she wants. She has done nothing illegal, it is not up to you judge why she is smoking. If it is legal, it is legal... unless she is smoking next to he child., You seem fun, You don't  think the children being removed IS marijuana stigma? And the life sentences? I think all that is ridiculous and rooted in old thinking we don't question. Maybe stigma isn't the right word. I think you and I are saying similar things differently. 

And yes, deeply ableist society. Didn't realize how bad until we started swimming in the ASD parent pool., I love that you for that. I’ve definitely had my ass handed to me from “outsiders” and as pissed as i was then it was definitely for the best. Freaking truth can be beautiful at times and hurt like hell at others.  Just remember that if they have to remind you again a next time then they definitely won’t be so understanding., You don’t think parents (or ppl in general for that matter) tend to tell their side of the story in the most flattering of ways? We really don’t know the whole story. I tend to think this isn’t one off event. And how the hell would I be entitled ? I don’t gain anything here just want to add my two cents from experience., And moving therapists after such disclosure would no doubt increase the perceived risk for safeguarding the child!, Yes, the government is the problem. It's always the problem. I meant personally as in my professional colleagues and peer group. None of us care about weed because we see the glaring issues with society, and it's actually all about oppression and inequity, not marijuana. I don't believe in prohibition at all because it doesn't work, and a lot of my colleagues feel similarly. We believe in evidence-based practice, doing things because they're logical, and the evidence shows the way the US deals with almost everything, to include the War on Drugs, leads to so many deaths every day. 

We incarcerate 25% of the world's prisoners so they can perform slave labor. So many of our products actually come from slave labor. It's why we use War as a business. Well, because we're Imperialists, but also because war is so profitable. It's why slavery wasn't completely abolished in our constitution. It's why we are only 4% of the total world's population, and we incarcerate human beings as a business. Everything is done solely for max profits and cheap labor. Literally every part of our society. That, and to oppress and continue to profit off the labor of others so the rich get richer while everyone else figures out how to survive. Prohibition has always failed and increases violence and deaths. We know this because we have long had the evidence. Other places have decided that humanity is more important than profits, and they've successfully found other ways to deal with drugs and addiction. Our entire society sets is geared towards overconsumption and self-medicating because we're expected to spend the majority of our lives laboring. We have a lot of uniquely American issues because of our values as a whole. 

We aren't operating in a way that is for the good of our population, and we never have been. The stigma on marijuana seems really mute to me given the grave issues we are facing. It's important to understand how things work and operate within the acceptable boundaries so life doesn't get harder. The idea of freedom is just an illusion. It's important to protect yourself and family, especially if there are any differences because people are targeted all of the time. People are sometimes removed from this reality, and have no idea what hit them when it happens. It's more important for people to understand the risks and realities of the society they live in so they can stay safe than to think the government cares about marijuana. They don't. They know it's not dangerous. The American War on Drugs was birthed out of racism, not concerns about drugs or the health of the population. Our own government has created the cartels and many intercity drug epidemics. It's all a game. If you *knew* that the majority really understood that marijuana is harmless, would that change things? We know marijuana is harmless, for the most part. That's not why it's illegal. There are decades of propaganda and policies regarding the drug restrictions and trades. This isn't a situation where 'if more people knew, they'd get it and legalize it.' They already get it. They always got it. *They* are the government and people in power. But yes, there are random people, maybe your neighbor or an ABA worker, who buy into the propaganda and regurgitate it. It could be your child's teacher. Doctor. They do that with everything. I'm sure you've run into them many times if you have an autistic child. Ignorant people are always problematic. Even highly intelligent people can still be extremely ignorant if they are propagandized and blind toward their realities. American propaganda is hugely successful and dangerous af. 

Also, I'm autistic. I am not good at reading into things or inferences. I can really only work with facts and take things at face value. The marijuana thing has never been logical. Research the history of drugs in the US and prohibition. Neither is our government, but truly, this is about our safety. We can't be safe in a society unless we know the rules and behave accordingly. We know that certain people are targeted in our society, and we know because we have all of the data on this. We are vulnerable if we are disabled or have disabled children. Our skin color, economic status, life circumstances (single parent, LGBTQ+) further plays into this. Black single mothers are most often targeted. There are a disproportionate amount of Black children in the child welfare system. Honestly, just having a disabled child and struggling economically is enough to go through hell. There are always outliers that are targeted as well. The only way to prevent it is to prepare for it and avoid it. Most people don't ever think about this stuff until it happens, and if they're not expecting it, it can change the trajectory of their lives. I don't want any innocent parents getting caught up in the system, ever. We live in an unethical society. 

Also, this happens with prescribed drugs as well. The stigma. There are several mothers that use MAT, and harm reduction is the only thing we have evidence for of actually working, so it's the logical choice for dealing with dependency and drug addiction. There are so many places that still automatically bring in CPS when these women give birth because they're using a legally prescribed prescription under the care of a physician. There are no secrets, it's all transparent. They have to deal with a lot of bullshit because of our government. It's not just MAT- people have been terrorized over all prescription medications, to include antidepressants because they're used to support an allegation that a parent is too mentally ill to parent effectively. Even getting PPD is a huge issue because some doctors and therapists report to CPS. Lots of things are just not safe for women and children. 

This rabbit hole has an insane depth and breadth. We may want to immediately gut react and cry out that it can't be legal! But it is because this is actually just our legal system at work. If you're here because of disability, that has an even bigger history filled with daily injustices. It's a societal issue. It doesn't really matter how we feel about something, it's more important we understand the implications, imo., I dont have any reason to believe why she is a bad person except she is smoking weed, which I personally hate, but it is her OWN choice. I dont know her, I am not here to vouch, all I can do read and comment what she wrote. I am not going to add my own assumptions that saying she is an addict, effed up, that is not up to me.

You are also not being helpful with these kind of comments, she is asking for help, seeking advice. Easy to bash from the keyboard. 

That is my last statement, you guys can give me -50 votes if this will make you happy., I agree with you on all that and I’m neurodivergent too and sometimes I say stuff I think makes sense but isn’t really clear. 

I think the stigma is one small part of systemic oppression largely linked with racism.

All my friends smoke weed BECAUSE of inequality and oppression lol. But none of their clothes stink of it so I think OP might be doing something wrong  there., The advice was to cut the crap lol. Sugarcoating it like others were is definitely going to make things worse for people like her or in that situation. Why play with fire?, The thing is, I know for a fact many people enforcing the oppression also drink alcohol and smoke weed. They don't even care about being hypocrites because they truly believe they're better than whoever they're terrorizing. Addiction and substance abuse is so high in legal, medical, and law enforcement fields. Nothing like a drunk& high asshole punishing the poors for being 'lesser than'. No kidding people smoke weed to deal with this hellscape.",Support,Parenting Guilt
"My 3yo passed all the pediatric questionnaires for autism, but has demonstrated abnormal behaviors that suggest he’s on the spectrum. He’s abnormally aggressive with other kids and my husband and I (hits constantly despite knowing it’s wrong and often for what seems like no reason), struggles to verbalize his emotions (even though he talks well) and can’t handle high stimulation settings. His pediatrician dismissed the aggression as normal behavior and suggested time outs. 

We recently started working with an OT, who has validated my concerns and recognizes he needs help. I also reached out to early intervention and am researching neurodevelopmental pediatricians so we can get a diagnoses. 

My question is: Has anyone had a similar experience? I feel almost crazy sometimes, like maybe I’m making this a bigger deal than it actually is. But I fear if I don’t get him help, things will only get worse.","Follow your instincts. You lose nothing by getting an assessment, When my son was 3 I also had concerns that my pediatrician brushed off as “boy behavior “ I went to a different pediatrician and got a referral to behavioral therapy. The behavioral therapist actually spent time with my son and confirmed my thoughts. We still had to do the testing and he is autistic. Most pediatricians aren’t trained to spot autism in the short time periods they see our kids., Trust your gut. By getting an asssessment the best case scenario is that they determine no autism. I say go for it. You'll only regret not doing it., Oh yes. My kid passed the questionnaires at pediatrician visits and the doctor wouldn’t refer us to a developmental pediatrician. My kid is now diagnosed with ASD level 2, and her OT was the one who said get her tested, she’s definitely autistic. Trust your instincts, you spend a lot more time with your kid than their doctor does and those questionnaires miss things., My nephew is like this and it has been recommended by OT and daycare that he be assessed for autism. But my brother/SIL don’t want him to be labelled. 
My daughter was recently diagnosed and has great support and resources. If you suspect autism I would push for an assessment., Go through with having him evaluated.  Even if it’s not autism, the neurodevelopmental ped may diagnose something else. Like adhd or odd., (Well, you do lose time and money. But I agree with you on the following instincts bit)., Yeah I guess the copay was around $60 when I did it. It sure unlocked a lot of services though once the diagnosis came through",Support,Seeking Diagnosis
"I have no intention of my son living with me forever.

He is level 3, so will always need support, but I'm planning on finding that support externally about when he turns 20. I genuinely feel that in 15 years there is going to be a surplus of facilities that were taking care of the Boomer generation that will transition to assisting care for autistic folks. 

Even if my guess is wrong, I'm still going to find somewhere he can at least live part time, maybe 4 days a week to start. 

My rationale is 2 fold.

1. I'm not going to be able to care for him forever, and I want to have the peace of mind that when I'm gone, he will have a support system, and I refuse to force my daughter to provide that support. She should get to live her own life.

2. And my selfishly, I have dreams of my own. I want season tickets to the baseball team. I want to see Portugal. I want to live on a lake or deep in the country. I want to embrace peace and quiet under the shade of my own oak tree. We get one spin around this world, and I want to embrace it, and if I'm constantly caring for my son, I can't.

I don't know how I'm going to pay for it. I don't even know if any of this is possible, but it's my plan and it seems to go against what many people here are planning.

Am I in the minority? Anyone out there currently living this type of life with their grown kid?","My daughter is 24 and I would consider her level 3.  We are looking for a placement for her.  Not much out there though.  Hopefully I will hear something by the end of the week.  My husband is 70 and requires more and more care due to dementia.  I am no spring chicken either and caring for them both is too much.  At least this way I am still here to help her transition to a new life, it isn’t an emergency placement with no support which is a scenario that haunts me considering our ages and health issues. Sooner, rather than acting in crises mode, is better for everyone., In nursing they teach it’s better to transition your family member to care before you are unable to care for them.

Another bonus is that your son will be established and comfortable long before anything happens to you.  He will not not need to process two very large transitions at once.  He will have better care because you established care when you could be fully involved.

One more bonus is socializing for him.  In nursing home situation so many residents would comment how lonely they were before coming.  Group homes also have their own complete social world.  It’s amazing how much better people feel sometimes having that socializing with similar individuals.

Another bonus is a very regular schedule with less transitions.  Their environment will be more controlled.  Lunch is at the same time and so is breakfast.  There will be no stressful grocery store trips or errands.  Activities will be appropriately geared.

To me it’s basically the same reason my little children like daycare.  It’s pretty much all playtime and focused directly on them.


To Add:  If cost is too much an in between option is daycare.  They do have daycare programs for adults with special needs.  It might be an option to explore too., My son is only 5, but if it is clear that he cannot live independently by the time he is in his 20’s, we’ll definitely have to look into some sort of system to help him to learn to live apart from us. This is not just for me, but moreover for his benefit because he is an only child with limited extended family, and if my husband and I passes away while he is completely dependent on us, I can’t even imagine how he is going to cope or where he will end up or what kind of trauma it will inflict on him. Everything he has ever known would just be gone in one day.

So yeah, I don’t think it makes you a bad person. It makes you a responsible parent to arrange your child to have everything he needs to thrive before you move on from this world., My son is only 2 but level 3 & non-verbal. My wife & I are 37. Although its a challenge and our life is very different we are happy to have him as our live in tag team partner into our twilight. We have a College fund that we will convert into a Special Needs Trust when or if necessary. Our daughter is 18 and going to be a doctor and our 16 year old son is going to be a nurse. They both unsolicited came up to us and told us we will never have to worry about him having a place in their homes when we are gone. It provides tremendous peace of mind., That’s an interesting theory about care facilities. Never thought about that. 

Our son’s only four and I honestly try not to think about things too far down the road with him… But my wife and I have kicked around the idea of getting an RV to park in the driveway for him, in the event he isn’t able to live independently. (Plus we’d use it to roll around the country.) I’m pretty confident he’d do alright in that situation, based on his current capabilities. I am in no way opposed to some sort of care facility for him if it made sense, though. 

Annndddd he’s dragging me to come play with him. Duty calls!, Our high-support-needs son is 47 and has been living in a group home for the last 7 years.  It's located in a commercial, 96 unit apartment complex. The local ARC leases 10 of the 96 units.  The ARC  provides 24-7 support staff.  Our son and his 2 roommates split the cost of rent, utilities and groceries from their SSI payments.  He's very happy there and we have peace of mind that he's being very well looked after., Long term it’s better to get him on his feet. That’s what we do for any kid so if the facility is what works as long as you vet it then yes. Sounds like a good plan., Honestly, this is also better for him in the long term.  You don’t want him to have to mourn your death and be moved to a totally different living situation at the same time.

It’s better for him to get adjusted to his adult life, just like any adult even though his life will be very different, and get lots of visits and love from you, then, eventually, when you die, he’ll already be settled in his new familiar environment.

My kid is mild / moderate, and we bought the house across the street which my family currently uses as a rent house.  No set plans yet, but I could absolutely see him living there and attending community college / getting a handle on working and living independently with our support.  I think he’ll end up being able to live alone, but I’m planning for him to need a ton of support for the first 10-15 years of his adult life., [deleted], I think you’re smart. Smart to see the writing on the wall and smart to have your own interests and own dreams for your own life. I think a lot of people in general struggle with all of that. I hardly even know what interests me anymore, yet somehow my husband is fully able to pursue everything he enjoys. 😏, Its interesting that typical parents worry about their retirement and if they have enough saved. While we worry about, what will happen to my child after I am gone. These are hard conversations to be had., My cousin is severely autistic and intellectually disabled, he is an adult now and has never potty trained, doesn’t feed himself independently, self injurious behaviors etc. He is living in a group home that’s funded by the state and it seems pretty nice. They post photos of field trips and activities they do with the residents. I don’t think it’s only autistic people, it’s anyone who is profoundly disabled and in that age group. It’s hard to say at this time where my kids will land, I have one son who is most likely to need support as an adult. He is 6 and can speak a very little bit, is potty trained, has ok receptive language, but his social skills are almost like a baby and he has zero impulse control. 

My question is — are there reliable independent companies who handle overseeing your child after you die? I hope my other kids will want to visit their brother if he’s in a group home but I don’t want them to feel responsible for the financial and other stuff. Also, what if he outlives them? It would be nice if there’s a company that would handle that stuff. Like controlling his money, giving him an allowance, making sure his living situation is going well, making sure his healthcare through Medicaid or Medicare is set up, figuring out what to do if his group home shuts down or he’s mistreated there, etc etc., My brother has been living in an independent caring home where he has a staff member with him at all times. You can have your son be owned by the state, but still attend meetings about his care. I’m my brother’s person to notify when incidents happen and may attend his meetings as well., There's no way I'd write my kid off at the age of three BUT if I assume that the level of care he needs now, in relation to an average toddler, translates to the extra help he'd need as an adult, he's going to need intensive at-home support. Obviously we hope that the skills for greater independence develop as he grows, but it's a very real possibility that he'll always need care.
And absolutely that would mean some kind of supported living, group home, personal assistant or *something* so he can move out and live his own life. Sure, getting my own life back is a little bit of it, and the fear of what happens when me and his dad are gone, that's significant. But most of all, he just deserves to experience as much of life as possible, to break away from his parents, make his own choices and just, be an adult. Whatever it takes to achieve that, and how it's going to look, we'll figure that out as he grows, but we're raising our kids to be adults just like anyone else and absolutely should hope for (some) of the same milestones and achievements that anyone would., I figure this will be the case for us when he’s 30-40. My issues are twofold, I’m in Texas and how are we going to pay for it?, I have to make this decision too myself buy I've realized  a few things

1 shell get bigger and stronger and ill get weaker as time passes

2 when I die she'll end up in a facility anyways and rhe government chooses

3 if I choose not only can I take her out and change facilities but to make sure everything is in her best interest 

4 facilities are more than just sitting around all day.. the good ones have  activities. Therapies and travel to places and go to events. 

5 it's can be a good place for her to be social with people like her and those who watch over them who can be great companions

6 she wouldn't be stuck there. I xan take her out and do things and even  keep her over night or go on vacations..or I csn have time to myself

7 I don't lose control, I'm still in charge of her life when ir come to.doctors and care 

The only reason downside is she'll no longer feel.loke she's here with me and as much as I complain or feel.overwhelmed it still.comes back to being the best time of my life and truly the reason I'm alive rn. I applaud those parents that can take care of them  their entire life ., but it scares me whatll happen after I die. I'd rather take charge now than regret it later, This is what we’re working on now, we figure it will take us another 5 years to settle the two of them and get their NT sister into college. Then I’ll be a few years till retirement or I may keep working as my career is one that you can do easily into old age. My 401K went to pay for my custody battle with their mother, so I’m probably working till my parents die off, never, ha!, I will try to make sure my child is not dependent on me long before I am unable to care for him. I have no idea what kind of support he will need, but I do not want him to have to deal with grief from losing his mother AND losing the support he needs to be healthy and happy. I also feel this way about my allistic son. I have no reason to think he won't do the standard thing- school, job, independence- but you never know.

​

I have a very good friend who has an intellectually disabled brother with other complicated medical issues. Her parents are becoming unable to care for him and she is having to fight and claw to get him into a situation where he isn't dependent on them before there is a medical crisis. If they wait until there is a medical crisis, he will be shoved into whatever facility has a bed. Her parents don't like any of the options. Either a shitty medical group home or being the manager of an apartment for him and 24/7 caregivers. Managing all of that is a part-time job in itself. There aren't great solutions and they want to keep kicking the problem down the road, but it is inevitable. 

​

The options suck right now. Many parents with adult disabled children are either in denial and/or are just trying to keep their heads above water in the day-to-day., My son is 9 and ASD and odds are he'll be best in supported living, so he has a job, a flat etc and also some help to live independently. That's my plan. I don't want either of my children living at home when they should be having a life of their own. After all, it's why we have them!, Not a bad person.  I have the same plan.  I actually worked as a special ed teacher in the big residential facilities for decades.   Adopted a 6 month old baby boy from S. Korea who turned out Level 3. ASD.  Nobody knew.   So my perspective was different.  

When we did guardianship I didn’t add my daughters name to the paperwork.   I don’t want her to be responsible for him.  I still have work to do but my original feelings are the same.   He will at some point be going residential., My child is only 5. However I've stated since her diagnosis (ASD III ad 2.5yrs) that eventually, down the road, if it's clear that she will not be able to function independently as an adult then we will seek residential placement for her.

For all the reasons already stated here (all the ways it will be beneficial for her) but honestly -and I will always be brutally honest about this- I know in my bones I do have not have what it takes to be a caretaker for the rest of my natural life. 

Residential placement in that situation will be better for her *because* I don't have it in me.

Does that make me a bad mother? Maybe. But it's the truth.

My father had a massive stroke when I was 12yrs. -I mean massive as in he went from a very active man, wood working, building things, playing sports, outside all the time to someone who lived in a bedroom. He lost most of his speech/language abilities and what little was left was echolalia in the extreme, lost the ability to walk without a walker, etc etc. Even the doctors said he honestly should be dead with the extent of the damage.

I saw and felt firsthand the absolutely RELENTLESS toll it took on my mother. It was over 17 YEARS before she finally admitted it was no longer feasible or safe for either of them for him to continue living at home. Thing is, his personality, his mind and thoughts and ideas *were still in there* but there was no way for him to communicate then to the outside world and he was often both so sad and so *angry* about it, and I see that in my girl when she can't communicate her ideas to us. 

It was both heartbreaking -looking back as an adult- and unbelievably horrible to live with -as a tween/teen who was often responsible for making sure he was cared for since my mom needed to work to support us.

I know exactly how much effort and sacrifice that kind of care takes. And I'm both honest enough, and frankly selfish enough, to admit I don't have it. I need to look forward to -eventually, in 15-20yrs- being able to live for myself again, instead of for someone else every walking hour of the day.

My husband basically just glosses over this fact. As does my mom (she didn't see it as a burden, because that's the kind of person she is and the kind of love they had and I have great respect for that) and most of the rest of our family... My MIL (who also took care of her aging parents, after a massive stroke for her mom and Alzheimer's for her dad) was the ONLY PERSON who even acknowledged that I'd said it. 

She was the one who understood and that meant the world to me. I wasn't willing to assume that everything would be fine. In fact it was and is still very likely that things with my child will never be ""fine"" and I need to have a plan on place to deal with that so she can live the best life for herself that she can.

I don't think you're backwards OP. 

Nor do I think you're a bad parent.

I think you're being practical. I think it will benefit both your child and yourself in the long run and I respect the hell out of you for saying the quiet part out loud., I’m not sure where you live. In Canada, young adults with disabilities who need support still can move in with a “supportive roommate”. These are government funded families and individuals who open up their home. The position is very well paying and essentially they’re treated as family. Not only do parents want independence for their kids, but the kids also want to grow up and move out!, “In 15 years”

My son is also 5… way too early to be making such definitive statements like this IMO, If it is possible financially, this is what we will do. Honestly, my son would be miserable staying home all day. He likes being around people, even if he doesn't really know how to interact. At the very least, we will have him in a day program., I think you are a very caring parent.  It’s good to plan for the worst case scenario, that your son won’t be able to live independently when grown.  I think saving the money for this possibility is very smart.  If at some point he improves to the point where another living situation is possible, you can always use the money for something else.  And, after being a nurse for 34 years, I absolutely agree with previous posts:  it’s better for your son to be in a familiar, comfortable environment when you eventually pass, rather than having to face two tremendous life changes at once., I'm with you on that. I have my own health problems already and it only makes sense. I doubt you're in the minority as much as you think, just that it's not information everyone is quick to volunteer in conversation., I think it is absolutely fine to expect your son to move into independent assisted housing as an adult, if such places exist in your country. It's probably the best option for you both. Young people with disability are still young people, and probably don't want to live with their parents for the rest of their lives too., I think you kind of have to plan like that. Every parent with a child that can’t live alone is going to reach a point where they can’t care for them. It makes sense to look for a good facility while you still have the cognitive resources to do so. Before you get desperate. And of course you want to enjoy your life. 

I used to work in a facility that trained mentally disabled adults to live as independently as they could. Like most staff at that level, we were trained on the job and didn’t have a particular certification. But we all cared and tried to be kind and helpful. It seemed like most of the clients were happy. They had busy social lives in their small community, and even managed to get into some entertaining trouble. Nothing traumatic, just mischief. Which I think can be healthy too sometimes. 

So, personally, I think finding a facility where a disabled adult can find peers and hopefully friends can actually be a good thing., You’re not selfish, you’re realistic. No matter how well intentioned parents are with their pledge to live forever with their level 3 autistic child, nobody is inmortal or immune to aging, disease , accidents, etc. It will happen , sooner or later , that they won’t have the health, energy or resources to keep their adult children home while being a full time caregiver or even with in-home supports. Wealthy parents can figure out (they build intentional communities with other affluent parents ) but that’s not the norm for the rest. I know a parent who just did what you’re planning but their kid is only 14 years old, I don’t judge because when the kid will be 40 he’ll have the same exact fate, only happening later. I’m not sure what you mean about surplus of facilities due to boomers passing, the next in line are x generation and they won’t give up their spot for young autistic folks, I think that many people realize that ultimately, their children will enter some sort of care facility. I have a few different timelines in mind for that transition.

Putting a child into their permanent adult home prior to the parents dying is the standard advice, for the reasons you cite. It also gives the parents time to make adjustments, rather than the transition being a traumatic, rushed affair when a parent dies or becomes disabled. At the same time... I completely understand postponing that transition. 

I imagine my kids will move in their 30s. I'll be around 60 at that time. Still young enough to get some things done. 

I was fantasy buying $1 million houses in my area yesterday... 5-8 bedroom mansions here. Completely unaffordable for starting a group home. 

I had hoped to be able to work and raise money toward my kids' future learning expenses, but we're now homeschooling and that is looking more and more unlikely., I understand completely.  My fiancée and I have between us 3 who will never live on their own.  While we currently work out care between 4 parents, siblings,  and a home health nurse,  the future will likely include nursing facilities., I’m in the same boat as you, my son is only level two, and 3 years old. But if he progresses to not being able to care for himself or function everyday in the world then I will seek a facility for him. For the same reasons, I won’t be able to take care of him forever. I do hope that as he gets older he will be more around level 1 and be able to lead a mostly normal life, but I can’t see the future., this is a really good idea, it can also help since that’s around the age you’re expected to move out. however i don’t recommend solidifying plans until around teen years unless the need for it arises until then, because children can grow and change a lot and when he’s an adult he may be able to handle something less restrictive than a full time group home. when it comes to housing arrangements, the same goes for schooling that the least restrictive environment that is still practical to their disabilities should be utilized, WHO PAYS? Likely I will have no money and may have to make this decision in the next few years., My son is about to turn 8 and this is something that has been weighing on me for some time. I hoped that as he got older he would start developing skills that will afford him some sort of independence, but it's looking less and less like that will be the case. He is genuinely a sweet, loving boy, but I don't think he'll ever have the ability to ever care for himself. I'm so scared of what life will look like for him once my wife and I are gone. He has a younger brother, but that is a massive responsibility to take on especially if he has a life of his own with his own family to care for. I'm sure many parents of autistic children feel this fear. I'm just not sure of how to address it., I know that some sort of assisted living may be necessary when I’m gone. But aside from that unless my son were to become aggressive or unmanageable I have no intention of not caring for him., You've raised amazing children!, I've thought about buying a nearby house, but I think he's going to still be too high needs and I'd worry about him hurting himself or something with out supervision., Same. My hope is to buy each of our kids a condo, but keep his in a trust (our NT daughter could sell hers/rent it out, mostly I don’t want her to resent her brother), This would come from the capitalist side of our community. These entrepreneurs and business owners will see their revenue drop due to a lack of people to fill housing space and big competition. This should make them search for a new group to cater to who still use medicaid and Medicare. 

Thats my hope at least, Is he happy?, This is great and exactly how I feel, What is your career if you don’t mind me asking ?, That doesn't sound as appealing to me personally than a designated group home where there'll be more staff and fellow boarders. What you're describing sounds more like foster care with the same lack of guarantee of being ""treated as family""., lol, my husband and I are already planning to send ours to a group home when she turns 18 and she's not even 4 yet., Population of Gen X is about 70 percent of the Boomers. Much smaller group of people who may need the facilities., Yeah—even with my dude, I’m not 100% sure he’ll be ready.  If it doesn’t work, we can live there in retirement and sell our current larger property to finance him living with more assistance., Yeah—it will surprise me if my son isn’t able to live independently, but I could imagine a situation where he’d find it really hard to work, so I’m trying to set him up to be able to live on his own without working, or working part-time., I live in a rural area so we don’t see each other often since he lives a few hours away, but the situation might be different for you depending on what’s available. He enjoys that he still can make decisions and they give him alone time. They take him wherever he needs to go as well., Following for response..., Makes sense for sure",Support,Long-Term Care
"I know this isn’t really relevant to this sub but my marriage does (even if I don’t want it to) effect my babies, so I hope you don’t mind me posting. ever since I’ve come on Reddit I’ve found extreme cathartic relief from venting and seeking advice. I apologise in advance for the long post but I would really appreciate your thoughts or advice. 
If you’ve seen any of my previous posts you’ll know I am having a hard time in my marriage. I’ve got a 2 year old and 1 year old. 
I’m going to list all of the physical abuse side I have faced with my husband and hopefully it will give me some clarity in my own mind and help me to get some advice. Maybe even if I’m overreacting and some things aren’t abuse. 

My husband loves biting. When he’s feeling happy (not sexual) he will bite me really hard as if he’s taking a chunk out of me and will often leave lots of bruises. He used to do this to his parents too, his whole life. This started off when he was happy but then started happening when he was angry with me as well, if I wasn’t listening to how he wanted things or if I was annoying him. Sometimes he bites for at least ten seconds and when I scream or shout in pain he will bite harder and then be horrible to me because I reacted and will say it wasn’t even that hard. 
He also bends my fingers completely back if i don’t listen to him. He won’t release my fingers until I agree to what he wants or I apologise. Sometimes my fingers swell up because he bends them that far back.
He used to pinch me quite hard but that seems to have stopped.
He will pretend to box me and pretend to punch my face but as soon as he is about to touch my face he will stop and then do it gently like a light touch but still with power so I can’t say he actually punched me but he still causes me slight discomfort and it stresses me out whilst he’s pretending. 
He will often squeeze my nose really hard for no reason. And it hurts 
When I’m sleeping he used to elbow me really hard to wake up and I told him I didn’t like it. This progressed to poking my eyeballs really hard whilst I slept or pushing my lips up or tapping me on the head. (This happens now too whilst I co sleep with my one year old son)
When I was pregnant with out first I found something in one of his bags that he didn’t want me to know about and when I called him out on it and didn’t give him his bag back he pushed me inside the wardrobe (knowing I was about six weeks pregnant). 
When I was about six weeks post partial with my daughter my mum told his dad about the mental abuse he was putting me through and his dad confronted him about it and he thought it was me that told his dad so he went absolutely ballistic with my newborn baby in the room and his parents came in to stop him. My baby was in her cot, but he got all up in my face and made me feel 2cm tall and kept bellowing in a voice that I’ll never forget “b***h. B***h. B***h. Get the f out of my house” and stuff along those lines and I was crying and he was pushing me and saying these things and me and his mum were begging him to stop and at this point his mum was holding my newborn baby and tried to get in the middle of me and my husband to stop him hurting me but I was terrified he may hurt my newborn so I shouted at my MIL to get away with the baby. He then threw me out the door and kept pushing me in the garden and pushed me really hard on the floor and I had deep cuts on my knees and feet (still got the scars) and almost hit my head on a concrete brick thing. I left him for a week after this but stupidly went back to him. During this incident he also threatened to kill me, my uncle and my grandma (bless my poor grandma) and said for me to bring anyone I wanted for him to fight. I generally thought he was going to kill me this night. 
About three months later he was furious with me and in front of his mum and my baby sister he threw a hard punch at me (but purposely missed me) whilst I had my baby in my arms. I left him for the second time that day but stupidly came back a couple of weeks later. 
After the months went by he wasn’t as badly physical but kept on with the biting and pinching and finger pushing etc and then I fell pregnant with my baby boy (whilst three months post partum with my daughter) and all of this carried on but I must admit he’s not as bad when I’m pregnant but still does these things. When I was five months pregnant he ran over my foot during a massive argument whilst the car door was open and I was trying to get my daughter out of the car so she wasn’t alone with him in that mood. 
A week later he pushed me and slapped me outside of his mums house. 
Then my son was born and long story short he kicked me in the stomach to get me out of the bed when I was three days post partum and wouldn’t let me sleep in the bed and wouldn’t let me take my newborn into another room with me so I had to sleep on the floor. 
There’s been a few occasions where he’s pushed me off the bed and trapped me in between our bed and our baby’s cot (less than two footsteps away from each other) and my body’s been all bent and twisted. He then recorded me when I was laying down on the floor in shock and pain and too scared to move. He still had this video to this day and showed me it the other day laughing thinking it was funny and thinking I was pretending to be scared and hurt. 
A couple of months ago he was being really horrible about my parents so I called him a name that I know triggers him and I was holding my one year son and he kicked in the knee and I fell to the floor whilst holding my son who was asleep in my arms and then he screamed at me to get up in “5 4 3 2 1” before he “beats the f out of me” (my son is still in my arms) and I beg him to wait as I physically couldn’t stand up and he was still shouting at me. The next morning I escaped with my kids and went to my mums house whilst he was out and then ended up being stupid enough to go back for the third time. A week after this happened he chased me up the stairs and pushed me up the stairs (his family could hear this and did nothing) and he grabbed my right breast really hard, hard enough for liquid to come out and slightly hit my arm. I then went to our room to get a couple of outfits for my kids so we could leave for the day so I could diffuse the situation and come back later to make peace. 
Since then he hasn’t really been that physical with me apart from biting occasionally and squeezing me nose and kicking me gently if I’m lying on the floor napping with my kids to wake me up. But the mental abuse is still quite bad especially when it comes to turning me against my parents. 
There has also been two or three times where he has “pretended” to strangle me, but I vividly remember at least one time I was struggling to breathe but he just thought it was a joke. 
I am well aware that a LOT of this constitutes serious abuse but I would be really grateful for your advice and opinions and also if you think some of it I am over reacting too. 
I’m a bit hesitant to post this because I’m worried people will think I’m attention seeking but as I said before I find this great cathartic relief and I really appreciate any advice.","Men who strangle are statistically more likely to kill, OP- you need to get out before this man kills you, and your children are left alone with him. If this is real, you need to leave, as dozens of comments on this post alone have advised you- venting on Reddit in unrelated communities will not keep you safe.

Comments have been locked- the only way anyone can provide more specific advice is with an update to OP’s location., Take the kids. Go to a women's shelter if you have to. I didn't even have to read the entire thing. Just the beginning is enough to say ""get out of there before he kills you"" Abusers can easily become murderers when it's that bad., Please leave with your kids. Strangulation often leads to murder. Get a PPO against him for you and your kids., You are vastly underreacting to this. Even if you can’t leave for yourself, do it for your kids. You know they’re not safe with him, [deleted], >I generally thought he was going to kill me this night.

It was time to go when you thought he was going to murder you.

ETA that you've posted about your situation multiple times the last week and a half. Every comment is telling you to RUN. Stop asking for advice and get you and your kids away from this man TODAY., He will kill you one day, and when you're gone, who do you think he's going to abuse next? Your kids. If you won't leave for yourself, then please do not subject your kids to such treatment. They deserve better. You are showing them how they should be treated and treat others. Please, *please* leave. This is awful., He’s abusing you. In front of your children. In front of your parents. He’s getting away with it, because you keep going back to him. I know it’s hard and you just want him to be better and not do those things. It won’t stop, it’ll keep getting worse. 

If you’re finding it hard to leave for your own sake, then please do it for your children’s sake instead. They deserve to grow up with a mother who isn’t being abused. They deserve to grow up in a house that isn’t violent. That’s not love. Doesn’t matter how nice he is when he isn’t laying his hands on you. It’ll be better for them to not have a dad than to have him as a dad. They’ll face his violence, if not now it’ll be in the future. Protect yourself and your kids from this despicable man., If I may, your post history (+ the number of times you ask the same few questions on multiple boards) is truly concerning. 

I'm not sure how much more feedback you need from how many different communities, but beyond what you've written here, what you posted days ago about your husband sexualizing your daughter's stims is reason enough to get out. Your post about your husband threatening to punch your daughter in the face and tell people it was you if you ever try to leave him is enough to get out. 

At some point you must realize banging out the same terrifying questions over and over on multiple subreddits, while giving you the illusion of taking some action to keep yourself and your children safe, is only that-- an illusion. 

Please, the thing you need to do is an overview of all of the responses you've gotten over days and communities and write yourself an action plan of what your next several steps are going to be to GTFO. You don't have anymore questions for reddit and you've gotten all the affirmation, encouragement, and wisdom you need to make a move. You're in a dangerous situation and so are your kids. You clearly love them. They deserve safety and so do you. It will be hard, but you can do it., Take the kids. Go to a women's shelter if you have to. I didn't even have to read the entire thing. Just the beginning is enough to say ""get out of there before he kills you"" Abusers can easily become murderers when it's that bad., women’s shelter for sure. the biting is not okay, soon he will be biting the children and cps will get involved., You need to get out - there's a lot of resources for people leaving violent and abusive relationships, you can find them with just a quick search. 

Take your babies and run, even if it's to a local shelter or your parent's place or a friend's. Anywhere he won't be. 

I understand it doesn't feel like that much - he doesn't actually punch you, he doesn't make you bleed, he 'wasn't biting that hard', etc.

But he is hurting you. He's deliberately causing pain, with the intent being to punish you, force you to do what he wants, and see you in pain.

Take pictures of any bruises, any marks or swelling. Save them somewhere they won't be deleted by him - an email he doesn't know about, an online file hosting site, a Dropbox or Google drive he doesn't have access to.

If he hurts you again before you can get out, take pictures of those too. If you can get pictures with the teeth imprints, that's great. 

If you feel in danger, call the police - do not hesitate. If at any point an abuser tries to strangle their partner, the chances of that partner being killed goes up massively. 

When you're not at that house, file a report and get in touch with your local courthouse to see about getting a protection order or even if you qualify for a restraining order. 

Do not be alone with him, at all. Not even for a few minutes. Do not, also, be alone with him and a member of his family. They have shown that they won't help you. 

Edit: if you have to meet him after you get out, see if your local police force will send someone to keep things from getting violent. Best case, it keeps him from hurting you while you have to be near him. Worst case, he gets arrested and it helps your case for a protection order.

You are not overreacting. You're not crazy. He is being cruel and sadistic. Your family will likely be very happy you're getting out. And your babies will be so much safer for it., THIS IS ABUSE. Please take the kids with you and leave., You and your children are not safe in that house. You need to leave immediately, which will be the most dangerous time for you. An abuser will become incredibly violent when they realize their victim is actually leaving them. 

Do not tell him you’re leaving. Don’t let anyone know you are before you do.
Collect all your important documents (license, birth certificates for you and kids, etc) and give them to your mom for safe keeping. 
Pack your things and leave when everyone is gone from the house and have a friend come over so you’re not alone. 
I can’t stress enough how much danger you’re in. He is abusing you, the violence will escalate. Strangulation leads to murder. 

Do not wait, don’t second guess yourself, leave and DON’T GO BACK., Even if he only bit you once (without your consent), it would be more than enough reason to leave.* If he knows it hurts you and you want him to stop and he keeps on doing it, that makes him an abusive asshole. I wouldn't put up with that behavior from one of my cats, let alone an adult man. 

And that's only addressing the behavior you seem unsure about considering abuse.

* To add, I think wanting to leave is enough reason to leave. You don't have to stay in any relationship that you don't want to be in., Yes this is abuse. I work for a domestic violence organization. I thought it was abuse when I was reading the biting and finger pulling, but everything else is abuse. 

I will tell you this. Abuse tends to escalate around the time you have a kid or are pregnant for some reason 

The most dangerous time is when you leave. I work in this friend because my friend was murdered by her husband as she tried to leave. 

If someone threatens to kill you, the chances they will are very high. 

If someone has strangled you (even pretending) the chances they kill you are very high. 

I would urge you to reach out to a local domestic violence shelter. Even if you don’t go to stay there, they have resources to help you. 

Abusers are all about control. There is a very real risk he could start using your kids to control you. Threats of hurting them or actually hurting them., You are being gaslit. Your husband is an abusive fucking asshole. It's not normal. Your perception of reality is correct, not what him and his parents are trying to convince you. 

He will abuse your children. He might murder you. He is a sadist and enjoys your pain.

Document, photograph. Get a copy of that video off his phone.This way he can't get custody. 

There are better subs than this for advice on this topic., He’s going to kill you or your kids. Get out now before it’s too late. None of this is normal and it’s all terrifying. I’m sorry you have had to experience this. Each episode of abuse your children witness can impact them as well., I couldn't couldn't even get through reading everything. You need to get out, like yesterday. It is traumatizing to you and your children. That behavior is not ok, not even 1% of it. 

This is domestic violence and abuse. Please for the sake of you and your children, leave. Try documenting everything, you have eye witnesses and make sure he has supervised visits with your kids. 
Because this man is highly unstable., Biting and strangulation are indicators to domestic abuse murder. This isn't behaviour that is seen in a healthy relationship. 

Please leave with your children and don't go back. You need to protect yourself OP. You are not overreacting, even slightly. It seems you're under reacting. 

If a stranger behaved like this towards you or you seen your friends partner behave this way- it wouldn't be stood for. 

Please seek help from people you trust OP, My heart aches for you. No one should ever be physically harmed in a healthy relationship, never mind the emotional abuse. You’ve gotten lots of great advice already so I won’t pile on, but just know I am rooting for you., What concerns me most is the part where you say he “pretends” to strangle you.

He is not pretending.

He is getting you used to the act. Warming you up to the act.

Strangulation is the number one indicator in an abusive relationship that a woman will be murdered.

You need to get out as soon as possible.

For YOUR sake.

So that your babies can have a mother in their future if you don’t think your life is worth it enough to get out today—think of your babies—they deserve a mother in the future and that means you leaving with your life TODAY!

You can’t guarantee tomorrow, he’s already testing if you will tolerate letting him strangle you. And you do.

And please take the children with you so they can’t be used against you., [deleted], Geez. Have you thought about stabbing that fkr a little, the next time he bends your fingers back., Look for domestic abuse support in your area. They can help you make an exit plan to leave safely. 
You need to be prepared for him to go nuts and to lay on all the sweetness to get you back. He will say and do anything to get you back. It is all lies. 
You need to protect your kids cause they can’t do it for themselves., This is extreme abuse. I'm scared for your life. Please escape him., Run. I only read the part about him biting you. Run. Be brave for your children. Take them and run., As a former emergency department nurse, this will escalate if you do not leave.  He will choke you, break your bones, and then eventually kill you.

I've seen it so many times.   You need to get out and never go back to him.  It doesn't matter how loving he can be at times.  If he physically hurts you - he will never stop, and it will get worse and worse.

If you won't do it for yourself - do it for your children, studies have repeatedly shown that children who grow up in households witnessing verbal and physical abuse go on to have major problems throughout their life.

Studies show it causes ""lifelong psychological consequences that can manifest as educational difficulties, low self-esteem, depression, and trouble forming and maintaining relationships.""

""Boys who see their mother being abused are 10 times more likely to abuse their female partners as an adult. 
Girls who grows up in a home where her father abuses her mother is more than six times as likely to be sexually abused as a girl who grows up in a non-abusive home.

Children who witness emotional, physical, or sexual abuse are at higher risk for health problems as adults. These can include mental health conditions, such as depression and anxiety. They may also include diabetes, obesity, heart disease, poor self-esteem, and other problems.""

Even if you don't care about yourself and the damage he is causing you emotionally, mentally and physically.  Please think of your children.   

It even causes issues short term in children, not just long term:

""Children in preschool. 
Young children who witness intimate partner violence may start doing things they used to do when they were younger, such as bed-wetting, thumb-sucking, increased crying, and whining. They may also develop difficulty falling or staying asleep; show signs of terror, such as stuttering or hiding; and show signs of severe separation anxiety.

School-aged children. 
Children in this age range may feel guilty about the abuse and blame themselves for it. Domestic violence and abuse hurts children’s self-esteem. They may not participate in school activities or get good grades, have fewer friends than others, and get into trouble more often. They also may have a lot of headaches and stomachaches.

Teens. 
Teens who witness abuse may act out in negative ways, such as fighting with family members or skipping school. They may also engage in risky behaviors, such as having unprotected sex and using alcohol or drugs. They may have low self-esteem and have trouble making friends. They may start fights or bully others and are more likely to get in trouble with the law. This type of behavior is more common in teen boys who are abused in childhood than in teen girls. Girls are more likely than boys to be withdrawn and to experience depression."", No, you are not overreacting. I’m a child abuse and DV survivor and escalation from seemingly minor incidents is very common.

And you are correct, this does affect your babies. I’m thankful you know this. Many parents don’t quite realize it.

As for advice, that’s really difficult to give simply because situations vary so much but please involve other people in your escape. So many try to do it alone to protect others. If my mom hadn’t gone to my sister for help, she wouldn’t be alive.

Above all else, work on getting out for you and your babies’ sake. I’ll be thinking of you. 💜, You are under reacting. It is time to end this relationship. Other people will post better advice,  I'm sending internet hugs.  You can do this., Take Your Child and RUN , Prayers 🙏 are with you both, He's going to hurt your kids, and you are showing your kids what is normal and acceptable behavior in a partner. Divorce, get a protective order, file charges, and move on. 
People like that eventually make good on their threats. Don't stick around long enough to give him an opportunity to act on them. Show your kids that it's okay to stand up to your bullies and advocate for yourself and the people you love., All of the comments I have read tell you to leave and this is abuse. They are correct. You and your children are not safe. Your husband doesn’t love you. Let me say that again a few times.

YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN ARE NOT SAFE!!
YOU’RE HUSBAND DOESN’T LOVE YOU!!

YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN ARE NOT SAFE!!
YOU’RE HUSBAND DOESN’T LOVE YOU!!

YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN ARE NOT SAFE!!
YOU’RE HUSBAND DOESN’T LOVE YOU!!

It is a very difficult decision to leave. It is normal to be scared when going. You know in your heart the decision you need to make. If he kills you who is going to protect your babies? Do you want them to grow up to be like him? I sure don’t and I have never even met him. 

Look into a protective order; if you decide to stay log every interaction; talk to a lawyer for more options; but most importantly please go stay with your mom and take your kids., You need to leave. One day he WILL take things even farther and you and or your children will die. Leave, get a restraining order, and file a police report. File for full custody., You are not over reacting, you are in survival mode.

If he did any of those things to a random person on the street he would be arrested immediately. The fact that he does not randomly attack strangers or even his parents shows he has some control. Blatantly, this is abuse, the love  or remorse he shows before or after does not erase the fact that it happened at all.

 I've been in a similar situation and I know it can be so hard to even think about leaving. Statistics say a woman will leave (& return) an average of 7 times before finally escaping an abusive relationship. You are not alone and it is NOT YOUR FAULT. Nobody can understand until they have actually lived it - to watch someone you love (or loved) become a complete monster and then flip it on and off like a light, it's maddening. 

For right now, day by day, think about yours and your children's mmediate safety. Do what little things you think you can to prepare/protect your kids without triggering him. 

When you have some alone time that you can safely call your local Domestic violence hotline or even explore their website. They are people to talk to who probably have once lived (and survived) a similar situation. They will not shame you for not having left yet. They will not demand you leave irght now either. They can help you develop a plan to help you stay safe and leave safely once you are ready and able to do so. The call is one you need to make, not just for yourself, but to protect your children. Even if he has never directly harmed them, they are growing up watching their father hurt their mother, and watching their grandparents ignore it or even blame you. That is what made me get the strength to leave - I did not want my daughter or son to think pain, anger, crying, yelling, or screaming obscenities was normal in a relationship with someone they love. 

I'm not judging you for having not left yet, or even going back (took me 5 times for it to stick). I'm scared for you, for your babies. Even joking about choking you is a major red flag for ever increasing violence up to and including one day killing you. Then how do you think he would treat the kids after you were gone? 

Please call. In the US it 800-799-7233. Just search for doemstic violence hotline - on a safe computer - like a library computer if you can, or carefully delete those sites from your browsing history. Call to make a safety plan or even just to talk to someone who can empathize. You are not alone no matter how isolated you have become - there are people who are waiting to help. 

I hope and pray you and the kids are okay today and stay that way. 

Extra tip, Make sure you sign out of reddit and any emails associated with this account every time - for your own safety., Sorry, but what’s a PPO, It’s all become so normal to me and his parents don’t help whatsoever. All they say is that he is much better than when he was a kid (god knows what he was like before!!!) and that he will get better with age. His mum tells me that I’m as bad as him and I need to keep quiet and not aggravate him. They hear him abusing me sometimes and pretend they don’t. His dad completely ignored when he is verbally abusing me and his mum tells me I should keep quiet. She did used to stick up for me but now she doesn’t, Even the biting etc? Ignoring the bigger ones. Would it be justifiable to leave with just the biting, finger bending etc ?, I would hate for my son to turn out like his dad :(, First of all I love your username!! 
We live with his parents and they do nothing about it apart from a few fake cross words. 
They’ve heard him a few times and do nothing. 
He hits his parents and they don’t do anything. 
I’ve seen his mum spit on him before and I wonder why he spat on me once. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree!!! 
They hear him talking horribly to me and his dad completely ignores it and his mum began by sticking up for me but now she just tells us both to be nice to eachother and says we are as bad as eachother when I stick up for myself, He’s so lovely when he’s nice but when he loses his temper I’m afraid he’s capable of anything. He even hits his dad, Thank you for your comment!!! His family are the worst!!! His parents and brother have told me no one wants a divorced woman and that divorced women regret their decisions while the man bes happy and moves on. His parents hear the abuse and ignore it. His dad ignored the verbal abuse and his mum says we are as bad as each other and “be nice to each other” 
I’ve left before and gone to my mums house but him and his mum turn up everyday that I’m there trying to talk and don’t leave until we let them in. I don’t want to call the police on them due to the issues it would cause in the community. 
I’m lucky enough to have taken pictures throughout the years and have sent them to my mum who should still have them!!!, Thank you so much for making my feelings feel valid!!! 
He has been a biter his whole life. He used to bite his parents before we got married (still does occasionally) and before we got married his dad said something like “I’m happy he’s getting married because now he won’t bite me he will bite you” and I thought he was joking …. 
His parents knew what he was like and knew this would turn to his wife and still allowed him to get married without truly telling the wife what he was like!!! (In our culture him and his parents both ask for mine and my parents permission to marry me and they told nothing but a pack of lies, and then I fell in love with him and now it’s too late)., Protective order!, It could be called something else where you live., They are gaslighting you. They’re complicit in your abuse, and the potential for their grandchildren’s abuse. They won’t help you. Do you have family you can stay with?, They are gaslighting you and enabling their sociopath son! Get out!! You are not as bad as him no way, that’s horrible they said that to you. They are making excuses for their monster son. There is NEVER an excuse for the ways he is harming you. This is serious., This is not normal you are numb!!!!!! Leave before you and your children will die., Yes, that is *all* serious abuse. You’ve been living with this so long your normal meter is broken. Biting you as you scream and bending your fingers back for “not listening” is sociopathic. Any hitting, biting, kicking, hair pulling, etc, is abuse and it *never* happens in healthy relationships with healthy people., Why wouldn’t it be? A grown man is biting you until you cry out in pain?  Sounds like many serial killers who also bite their victims. Bending back fingers? Does it have to be broken bones for you to consider it abuse? People can be abusive without ever laying a finger on you. You are being abused. Please take care of yourself., Yes unwanted physically hurting you like that is. Definitely, doesn't matter his excuse the fact he keeps doing it is abuse. Some abusers are smart enough not to put and put beat their partners to the point hospitals and Drs will ask questions. They do it low key and then turn it around to make you feel like you are the bad guy., The biting alone was enough for me. That is not normal, healthy human behavior. He sounds like an absolute animal. Please don't normalize his abuse just because his parents have., It sounds like you’re expecting his parents to protect you and fix him, but they can’t help you. They raised a horrible, abusive person and are justifying his actions. He will never stop hurting you, it will get worse. 

Only you have the power to help yourself. Protect yourself and your children. Leave., Ted Bundy was also endlessly charming/got women to willingly climb into a car with him. Having lovely moments doesn't mean someone isn't abusive or worse., It doesn’t matter that he’s so lovely when he’s nice. Any form of abuse is reason to leave. There are men out there who are consistently lovely and wouldn’t physically harm you. When there is physical harm, no amount of loveliness or nice moments matter., They're enablers. I know SO many divorced women who are endlessly happier divorced than they were married--and their husbands were just pricks, not abusive sociopaths. Leave. Block them. Restraining orders if you need to. Move on with your life., I hate that!!! I hate that his family are trying to make you feel insecure to be dependent on their monster son! Being a single mother is far better than being in a relationship with an abuser who may kill you and is most likely traumatizing your children because they witness him abusing you. Your dating pool in the future will be smaller than a woman without kids, but there are definitely single mothers who find love. You are loveable! He deserves none of you! And the focus right now needs to be on the safety of your and your children, which means getting out! Don’t let his family make you feel trapped with him., I know the idea of making waves in the community is scary but -- how many of those people would really want to be associated with someone who can treat his wife and children like that? With a family who supports it? If you want to endear them to you if theyre not okay with the idea still,, phrase it as keeping your babies safe. How he'd be violent even as you're holding the kids, and it's your job to protect them from that.

But in the end, you can move away from them if you need to. If they turn out to be people who are unsafe for you to stay with, you can always set down new roots with people who would care for you just as you do them. After all, some trees need to spread their seeds for for the next generation to thrive., It’s NOT too late. You’re over-explaining everything to everyone here, hoping someone might give you the answer you want. No one will. Your husband is a psycho. Your life and your childrens‘ lives are at risk. Leave. Protect yourself and your babies., Thank you!, I do! I’ve left four times before and gone to my mums where him and his mum don’t leave us alone demanding to see me and the babies etc :(, Thank you for your comment!!! His mum is a nasty piece of work herself! The whole family have nasty streaks in them!! She will fight for her son until she’s blue in the face no matter what he’s done, I would love to have a normal happy healthy relationship with him but like you said he’s sociopathic and I can’t come to terms with the fact he’ll never change, Thank you for your comment!! It’s probably the biting and finger bending that drives me mad the most :(, This makes so much sense!! Hurting me enough to get his authority and ego across but not enough that I have to be seen to and him possibly be found out. He makes me apologise for “being horrible” when he bes horrible to me and if I don’t apologise he bes even more horrible to me for a few days after, They normalise it and raised him to behave like it :(, He was also a biter., That’s sad and true",Support,Domestic Violence
I have a non verbal 31 month old child I know he’s autistic just the way he acts I haven’t gotten him evaluated because my pediatrician would tell me most the things were normal and dismiss as well as my family who don’t believe in autism and get angry every time I mention it . I just feel very  stupid for that and can’t forgive myself for not getting my son evaluated earlier I’m trying to get him seen as soon as I can but I feel like it’s already to late and my son won’t ever have a normal life anxiety has gotten the best of me and I just cry I feel like a horrible mother for waiting this long and listening to others I just need some advice . ,"Give yourself grace, and give yourself more credit. Others in your circumstances may not have gotten their child evaluated until a teacher or other professional suggested it. It's not too late.

I feel a lot of guilt for signs I missed and mis-steps I've taken trying to find the right care for my son, too. It's not a straight forward path, we just do the best we can at each step. There's no way for us to get each step right, but as we know better we do better, and that's the best we can offer., If your child is autistic, you could get them help at 18 months and they still won’t have a “normal life.” The condition doesn’t go away. 

However My son was 6 before he was diagnosed level 1 and the OT, speech, and Play therapies have helped him a ton. He still will never have a “normal life” because he is autistic., I totally understand you. The support wasn't really around us until we got an actual diagnosis. My mom would tell my sister it wasn't her place when she raised concerns earlier on. And my sister has a close friend with an autistic child as well so she just was trying to help. With everyone around me saying he's fine and just behind I didn't take any steps early on when I thought maybe I should. I do regret that I didn't go on my own instincts. But you know what as long as you're trying now that's all that matters! Day by day is all we can do. He's now almost 4 and haven't even started therapy because everywhere we look has a year long wait-list😑 definitely wish I had started earlier but we can only move forward from where we are. Don't be too hard on yourself, I’m so mad at your doctor for you.  He or she see how many children a day and just dismissed your concerns.  It would have been better earlier, but it’s good you are no longer waiting.  Get a new pediatrician and get on the waitlist for an evaluation.  Call as many places as you can and get on the cancellation list., It's clear that you deeply care about your child's well-being, and that's incredibly important! Firstly, please know that you're not alone in this journey. Many parents face similar challenges and uncertainties when it comes to their child's development, especially when navigating the complexities of autism. It's understandable that you may feel overwhelmed and guilty about not seeking an evaluation earlier. However, it's never too late to take action and seek support for your child.

Here are some steps you can take:

\- Schedule an evaluation: sounds like you have already done this which is great! this will help give you a plan for interventions and support, and also hopefully give you a clearer picture of your kid's strengths and what they need

\- In the meantime - take the time to learn about autism and your child's needs, if you are on social media there are many great speech therapists, OTs, etc. who have accounts dedicated to giving advice to parents like you! here are a few from instagram off the top of my head but there are tons:  @ autismsavvy @ unfurling\_littles, @ abaspeechbyrose, @ cari.ebert.seminars, @ sensory.slp, @ theautismconsultant

\- Remember to take care of yourself too. This journey can be tough, so make sure you're giving yourself some TLC along the way.

You've got this, and you're not alone. I promise there are other parents, professionals and resources out there ready to help you and your child. You're doing an awesome job as a parent!, Firstly, it's never too late. You might have to wait on a list for an evaluation but it will happen. We all make mistakes you have to forgive yourself. None of us really know what we are doing and are just trying our best. Don't worry as hard as it can be you will figure out what works for your family. Hopefully you live in a state with good benefits because honestly Mass health has saved me a fortune on healthcare for my little man., Look into early intervention in your area.  They'll help you do some developmental screenings for your kiddo.  They helped me through the entire process.  I think their cut off age is 3, so if you think this is something you want to do, then call them now., Breathe. I taught preschool for nearly a decade. There were so many kids and parents in this situation. You didn't know what you didn't know. You're not too late. I didn't accept my own audhd until he got diagnosed and I'm in my 30's!  You're not too late.
Edited to add, my husband didn't speak until he was five and his parents refused services for him. Still no diagnosis, but he's got a doctorate now!, You are not too late! Don't beat yourself up...bad parents don't worry that they aren't good parents. The pediatrician talked me out of needing early intervention at his 2 year visit when I was worried about his speech and some other things that I considered red flags for development. At his three year visit a different practitioner saw him and was like nope. I will fax a request to the school ASAP. Then We had a very long wait for the developmental doctor but were able to get speech and OT evals in the meantime to start services before he was ever diagnosed. Not going to lie, the diagnosis helped getting him what he needed in school, but it wasn't the most important thing  in the moment. I don't know the laws for every state but in NY if you write a request for an evaluation to the school district, they have to set it up. (Mine was too old for early intervention for his OT and speech eval) And you have this valuable group to help you through those things! 

Just knowing that something is going on with him and wanting to get him whatever he needs to be successful is the first step

Edited for typos, No, you're not too late. If hes autistic hes autistic there's no changing wether he was diagnosed at 18 months or 3 years+ .. my daughter isn't formally diagnosed at 3 because no one would take her until she's 3, unless severe. Since she has no behaviors, sensory issues, transition issues etc so we were brushed off. I started being concerned with speech at 15 months and her pediatrician told me to wait til shes 2.. i wish i hadnt. But here we are. So we have an intake appt in May and then we'll go from there. She's been in speech for 1 year this month, she has great receptive language but minimally verbal. She has some fine motor struggles but she improves EVERYDAY and we are so proud of her no matter what. Your child will be just fine. I wish I had pushed a little harder, but it is what it is now. My advice would be start looking up occupational and speech therapists and try their suggestions. That's what I did and I think that's why she has such great receptive language., Go ahead and get started finding a diagnostician. The wait could be awhile. In the meantime, if you are in the US, contact your local Early Intervention office and get speech therapy services started. At 3, they move kids to the school systems with an IEP. 

My daughter has done speech since her first birthday. And we still didn't know it was ASD until she was 8. Don't feel bad. There's still time for therapies., Your kid's not even 3. Average diagnosis age is 4. You're looking into things earlier than half of the bell curve, which is great. Autism wasn't even remotely on anybody's radar for my kid at that age. They didn't get any services until 15. Formal medical diagnosis came at 22. They're currently getting a master's and working two jobs. I've heard many stories of autistic adults who are first getting diagnosed in their 30's, 40's, 50's, and beyond. Anthony Hopkins found out in his 70's, I believe. ""Old"" dogs can learn new tricks., My granddaughter's parents decided not to have her evaluated and she is about to turn five. She has not been to public school or preschool. Very interestingly, my son's ability to be patient with his daughter has resulted in huge progress in her language and other intellectual abilities all on her own timeline. I think she definitely could use some OT to help with motor skills but I think those things are teachable. I think that eventually she will get a diagnosis, and her parents  plan to homeschool her so we'll see. As a grandparent, I'm limited in what I can say. The one huge benefit I see in keeping her away from the stress and anxiety of appointments,  classes, etc is that she is a more relaxed child. I know from raising my own children how stressful it is to be at school on time, rush to appointments, perform to certain expectations, these things are going to be there for the next 12+ years so maybe what is the point of starting so early?, Thank you so much I’m currently breaking down I have so much guilt and anger towards myself I feel like it’s all my fault and I’m to late to get my son help  thank you for not judging me❤️‍🩹, You should reconsider what you and your family think is ‘normal’. I think classify our kids as not being normal because they have autism is harsh. As we know there are many levels to the spectrum and modern society is far from ‘normal’. Ppl are walking around who have not been diagnosed, I guarantee 😁

Our babies are extremely special in their own way! Center your attention around them and their uniqueness, not your friends and others kids cause it’ll only make you feel like you’re lacking and you are not!, I went 36 years without knowing I was on the spectrum, 10 years without realizing my daughter was, and 4 years without realizing my son was. Please don't beat yourself up for not doing a good enough job. If we don't know any better, how are we supposed to do any better? You can't change what you don't know. If you're really questioning it, go get him evaluated and see for sure. 

Likely your pediatrician and family don't know enough to make an evaluation or offer understanding and advice for your situation. 

Lastly, please find a way to forgive yourself and don't beat yourself up for it. There is nothing you're doing wrong, trust me!, I think you totally misunderstood my use of normal. Theres a reason I used quotes. But carry on judging people. There’s a lot of assumptions here., Sorry but that wasn’t judgment. I see in a lot of these post parents are saying they want a ‘normal’ life with their autistic kids. I get what you’re saying but you added at the end “ he still will never have a “normal life” because he is autistic” 

I just wanted parents to know that whatever is going on is normal as long as they love and support that child to the fullest. I just hate seeing parents compare their little ones to others because i often see it makes them feel like they aren’t doing enough. 

We are in the same boat. I only seek advice here never judgment 💜, OP was the one pointing out “normal”. I never compare my kid to other kids. I have no need too. But I know his life isn’t ever going to be “normal”. Again you made assumptions and judgements. Do better., Give yourself grace, and give yourself more credit. Others in your circumstances may not have gotten their child evaluated until a teacher or other professional suggested it. It's not too late.

I feel a lot of guilt for signs I missed and mis-steps I've taken trying to find the right care for my son, too. It's not a straight forward path, we just do the best we can at each step. There's no way for us to get each step right, but as we know better we do better, and that's the best we can offer., If your child is autistic, you could get them help at 18 months and they still won’t have a “normal life.” The condition doesn’t go away. 

However My son was 6 before he was diagnosed level 1 and the OT, speech, and Play therapies have helped him a ton. He still will never have a “normal life” because he is autistic., I totally understand you. The support wasn't really around us until we got an actual diagnosis. My mom would tell my sister it wasn't her place when she raised concerns earlier on. And my sister has a close friend with an autistic child as well so she just was trying to help. With everyone around me saying he's fine and just behind I didn't take any steps early on when I thought maybe I should. I do regret that I didn't go on my own instincts. But you know what as long as you're trying now that's all that matters! Day by day is all we can do. He's now almost 4 and haven't even started therapy because everywhere we look has a year long wait-list😑 definitely wish I had started earlier but we can only move forward from where we are. Don't be too hard on yourself, I’m so mad at your doctor for you.  He or she see how many children a day and just dismissed your concerns.  It would have been better earlier, but it’s good you are no longer waiting.  Get a new pediatrician and get on the waitlist for an evaluation.  Call as many places as you can and get on the cancellation list., It's clear that you deeply care about your child's well-being, and that's incredibly important! Firstly, please know that you're not alone in this journey. Many parents face similar challenges and uncertainties when it comes to their child's development, especially when navigating the complexities of autism. It's understandable that you may feel overwhelmed and guilty about not seeking an evaluation earlier. However, it's never too late to take action and seek support for your child.

Here are some steps you can take:

\- Schedule an evaluation: sounds like you have already done this which is great! this will help give you a plan for interventions and support, and also hopefully give you a clearer picture of your kid's strengths and what they need

\- In the meantime - take the time to learn about autism and your child's needs, if you are on social media there are many great speech therapists, OTs, etc. who have accounts dedicated to giving advice to parents like you! here are a few from instagram off the top of my head but there are tons:  @ autismsavvy @ unfurling\_littles, @ abaspeechbyrose, @ cari.ebert.seminars, @ sensory.slp, @ theautismconsultant

\- Remember to take care of yourself too. This journey can be tough, so make sure you're giving yourself some TLC along the way.

You've got this, and you're not alone. I promise there are other parents, professionals and resources out there ready to help you and your child. You're doing an awesome job as a parent!, Firstly, it's never too late. You might have to wait on a list for an evaluation but it will happen. We all make mistakes you have to forgive yourself. None of us really know what we are doing and are just trying our best. Don't worry as hard as it can be you will figure out what works for your family. Hopefully you live in a state with good benefits because honestly Mass health has saved me a fortune on healthcare for my little man., Look into early intervention in your area.  They'll help you do some developmental screenings for your kiddo.  They helped me through the entire process.  I think their cut off age is 3, so if you think this is something you want to do, then call them now., Breathe. I taught preschool for nearly a decade. There were so many kids and parents in this situation. You didn't know what you didn't know. You're not too late. I didn't accept my own audhd until he got diagnosed and I'm in my 30's!  You're not too late.
Edited to add, my husband didn't speak until he was five and his parents refused services for him. Still no diagnosis, but he's got a doctorate now!, You are not too late! Don't beat yourself up...bad parents don't worry that they aren't good parents. The pediatrician talked me out of needing early intervention at his 2 year visit when I was worried about his speech and some other things that I considered red flags for development. At his three year visit a different practitioner saw him and was like nope. I will fax a request to the school ASAP. Then We had a very long wait for the developmental doctor but were able to get speech and OT evals in the meantime to start services before he was ever diagnosed. Not going to lie, the diagnosis helped getting him what he needed in school, but it wasn't the most important thing  in the moment. I don't know the laws for every state but in NY if you write a request for an evaluation to the school district, they have to set it up. (Mine was too old for early intervention for his OT and speech eval) And you have this valuable group to help you through those things! 

Just knowing that something is going on with him and wanting to get him whatever he needs to be successful is the first step

Edited for typos, No, you're not too late. If hes autistic hes autistic there's no changing wether he was diagnosed at 18 months or 3 years+ .. my daughter isn't formally diagnosed at 3 because no one would take her until she's 3, unless severe. Since she has no behaviors, sensory issues, transition issues etc so we were brushed off. I started being concerned with speech at 15 months and her pediatrician told me to wait til shes 2.. i wish i hadnt. But here we are. So we have an intake appt in May and then we'll go from there. She's been in speech for 1 year this month, she has great receptive language but minimally verbal. She has some fine motor struggles but she improves EVERYDAY and we are so proud of her no matter what. Your child will be just fine. I wish I had pushed a little harder, but it is what it is now. My advice would be start looking up occupational and speech therapists and try their suggestions. That's what I did and I think that's why she has such great receptive language., Go ahead and get started finding a diagnostician. The wait could be awhile. In the meantime, if you are in the US, contact your local Early Intervention office and get speech therapy services started. At 3, they move kids to the school systems with an IEP. 

My daughter has done speech since her first birthday. And we still didn't know it was ASD until she was 8. Don't feel bad. There's still time for therapies., Your kid's not even 3. Average diagnosis age is 4. You're looking into things earlier than half of the bell curve, which is great. Autism wasn't even remotely on anybody's radar for my kid at that age. They didn't get any services until 15. Formal medical diagnosis came at 22. They're currently getting a master's and working two jobs. I've heard many stories of autistic adults who are first getting diagnosed in their 30's, 40's, 50's, and beyond. Anthony Hopkins found out in his 70's, I believe. ""Old"" dogs can learn new tricks., My granddaughter's parents decided not to have her evaluated and she is about to turn five. She has not been to public school or preschool. Very interestingly, my son's ability to be patient with his daughter has resulted in huge progress in her language and other intellectual abilities all on her own timeline. I think she definitely could use some OT to help with motor skills but I think those things are teachable. I think that eventually she will get a diagnosis, and her parents  plan to homeschool her so we'll see. As a grandparent, I'm limited in what I can say. The one huge benefit I see in keeping her away from the stress and anxiety of appointments,  classes, etc is that she is a more relaxed child. I know from raising my own children how stressful it is to be at school on time, rush to appointments, perform to certain expectations, these things are going to be there for the next 12+ years so maybe what is the point of starting so early?, Thank you so much I’m currently breaking down I have so much guilt and anger towards myself I feel like it’s all my fault and I’m to late to get my son help  thank you for not judging me❤️‍🩹, You should reconsider what you and your family think is ‘normal’. I think classify our kids as not being normal because they have autism is harsh. As we know there are many levels to the spectrum and modern society is far from ‘normal’. Ppl are walking around who have not been diagnosed, I guarantee 😁

Our babies are extremely special in their own way! Center your attention around them and their uniqueness, not your friends and others kids cause it’ll only make you feel like you’re lacking and you are not!, I went 36 years without knowing I was on the spectrum, 10 years without realizing my daughter was, and 4 years without realizing my son was. Please don't beat yourself up for not doing a good enough job. If we don't know any better, how are we supposed to do any better? You can't change what you don't know. If you're really questioning it, go get him evaluated and see for sure. 

Likely your pediatrician and family don't know enough to make an evaluation or offer understanding and advice for your situation. 

Lastly, please find a way to forgive yourself and don't beat yourself up for it. There is nothing you're doing wrong, trust me!, I think you totally misunderstood my use of normal. Theres a reason I used quotes. But carry on judging people. There’s a lot of assumptions here., Sorry but that wasn’t judgment. I see in a lot of these post parents are saying they want a ‘normal’ life with their autistic kids. I get what you’re saying but you added at the end “ he still will never have a “normal life” because he is autistic” 

I just wanted parents to know that whatever is going on is normal as long as they love and support that child to the fullest. I just hate seeing parents compare their little ones to others because i often see it makes them feel like they aren’t doing enough. 

We are in the same boat. I only seek advice here never judgment 💜, OP was the one pointing out “normal”. I never compare my kid to other kids. I have no need too. But I know his life isn’t ever going to be “normal”. Again you made assumptions and judgements. Do better., Give yourself grace, and give yourself more credit. Others in your circumstances may not have gotten their child evaluated until a teacher or other professional suggested it. It's not too late.

I feel a lot of guilt for signs I missed and mis-steps I've taken trying to find the right care for my son, too. It's not a straight forward path, we just do the best we can at each step. There's no way for us to get each step right, but as we know better we do better, and that's the best we can offer., If your child is autistic, you could get them help at 18 months and they still won’t have a “normal life.” The condition doesn’t go away. 

However My son was 6 before he was diagnosed level 1 and the OT, speech, and Play therapies have helped him a ton. He still will never have a “normal life” because he is autistic., I totally understand you. The support wasn't really around us until we got an actual diagnosis. My mom would tell my sister it wasn't her place when she raised concerns earlier on. And my sister has a close friend with an autistic child as well so she just was trying to help. With everyone around me saying he's fine and just behind I didn't take any steps early on when I thought maybe I should. I do regret that I didn't go on my own instincts. But you know what as long as you're trying now that's all that matters! Day by day is all we can do. He's now almost 4 and haven't even started therapy because everywhere we look has a year long wait-list😑 definitely wish I had started earlier but we can only move forward from where we are. Don't be too hard on yourself, I’m so mad at your doctor for you.  He or she see how many children a day and just dismissed your concerns.  It would have been better earlier, but it’s good you are no longer waiting.  Get a new pediatrician and get on the waitlist for an evaluation.  Call as many places as you can and get on the cancellation list., It's clear that you deeply care about your child's well-being, and that's incredibly important! Firstly, please know that you're not alone in this journey. Many parents face similar challenges and uncertainties when it comes to their child's development, especially when navigating the complexities of autism. It's understandable that you may feel overwhelmed and guilty about not seeking an evaluation earlier. However, it's never too late to take action and seek support for your child.

Here are some steps you can take:

\- Schedule an evaluation: sounds like you have already done this which is great! this will help give you a plan for interventions and support, and also hopefully give you a clearer picture of your kid's strengths and what they need

\- In the meantime - take the time to learn about autism and your child's needs, if you are on social media there are many great speech therapists, OTs, etc. who have accounts dedicated to giving advice to parents like you! here are a few from instagram off the top of my head but there are tons:  @ autismsavvy @ unfurling\_littles, @ abaspeechbyrose, @ cari.ebert.seminars, @ sensory.slp, @ theautismconsultant

\- Remember to take care of yourself too. This journey can be tough, so make sure you're giving yourself some TLC along the way.

You've got this, and you're not alone. I promise there are other parents, professionals and resources out there ready to help you and your child. You're doing an awesome job as a parent!, Firstly, it's never too late. You might have to wait on a list for an evaluation but it will happen. We all make mistakes you have to forgive yourself. None of us really know what we are doing and are just trying our best. Don't worry as hard as it can be you will figure out what works for your family. Hopefully you live in a state with good benefits because honestly Mass health has saved me a fortune on healthcare for my little man., Look into early intervention in your area.  They'll help you do some developmental screenings for your kiddo.  They helped me through the entire process.  I think their cut off age is 3, so if you think this is something you want to do, then call them now., Breathe. I taught preschool for nearly a decade. There were so many kids and parents in this situation. You didn't know what you didn't know. You're not too late. I didn't accept my own audhd until he got diagnosed and I'm in my 30's!  You're not too late.
Edited to add, my husband didn't speak until he was five and his parents refused services for him. Still no diagnosis, but he's got a doctorate now!, You are not too late! Don't beat yourself up...bad parents don't worry that they aren't good parents. The pediatrician talked me out of needing early intervention at his 2 year visit when I was worried about his speech and some other things that I considered red flags for development. At his three year visit a different practitioner saw him and was like nope. I will fax a request to the school ASAP. Then We had a very long wait for the developmental doctor but were able to get speech and OT evals in the meantime to start services before he was ever diagnosed. Not going to lie, the diagnosis helped getting him what he needed in school, but it wasn't the most important thing  in the moment. I don't know the laws for every state but in NY if you write a request for an evaluation to the school district, they have to set it up. (Mine was too old for early intervention for his OT and speech eval) And you have this valuable group to help you through those things! 

Just knowing that something is going on with him and wanting to get him whatever he needs to be successful is the first step

Edited for typos, No, you're not too late. If hes autistic hes autistic there's no changing wether he was diagnosed at 18 months or 3 years+ .. my daughter isn't formally diagnosed at 3 because no one would take her until she's 3, unless severe. Since she has no behaviors, sensory issues, transition issues etc so we were brushed off. I started being concerned with speech at 15 months and her pediatrician told me to wait til shes 2.. i wish i hadnt. But here we are. So we have an intake appt in May and then we'll go from there. She's been in speech for 1 year this month, she has great receptive language but minimally verbal. She has some fine motor struggles but she improves EVERYDAY and we are so proud of her no matter what. Your child will be just fine. I wish I had pushed a little harder, but it is what it is now. My advice would be start looking up occupational and speech therapists and try their suggestions. That's what I did and I think that's why she has such great receptive language., Go ahead and get started finding a diagnostician. The wait could be awhile. In the meantime, if you are in the US, contact your local Early Intervention office and get speech therapy services started. At 3, they move kids to the school systems with an IEP. 

My daughter has done speech since her first birthday. And we still didn't know it was ASD until she was 8. Don't feel bad. There's still time for therapies., Your kid's not even 3. Average diagnosis age is 4. You're looking into things earlier than half of the bell curve, which is great. Autism wasn't even remotely on anybody's radar for my kid at that age. They didn't get any services until 15. Formal medical diagnosis came at 22. They're currently getting a master's and working two jobs. I've heard many stories of autistic adults who are first getting diagnosed in their 30's, 40's, 50's, and beyond. Anthony Hopkins found out in his 70's, I believe. ""Old"" dogs can learn new tricks., My granddaughter's parents decided not to have her evaluated and she is about to turn five. She has not been to public school or preschool. Very interestingly, my son's ability to be patient with his daughter has resulted in huge progress in her language and other intellectual abilities all on her own timeline. I think she definitely could use some OT to help with motor skills but I think those things are teachable. I think that eventually she will get a diagnosis, and her parents  plan to homeschool her so we'll see. As a grandparent, I'm limited in what I can say. The one huge benefit I see in keeping her away from the stress and anxiety of appointments,  classes, etc is that she is a more relaxed child. I know from raising my own children how stressful it is to be at school on time, rush to appointments, perform to certain expectations, these things are going to be there for the next 12+ years so maybe what is the point of starting so early?, Thank you so much I’m currently breaking down I have so much guilt and anger towards myself I feel like it’s all my fault and I’m to late to get my son help  thank you for not judging me❤️‍🩹, You should reconsider what you and your family think is ‘normal’. I think classify our kids as not being normal because they have autism is harsh. As we know there are many levels to the spectrum and modern society is far from ‘normal’. Ppl are walking around who have not been diagnosed, I guarantee 😁

Our babies are extremely special in their own way! Center your attention around them and their uniqueness, not your friends and others kids cause it’ll only make you feel like you’re lacking and you are not!, I went 36 years without knowing I was on the spectrum, 10 years without realizing my daughter was, and 4 years without realizing my son was. Please don't beat yourself up for not doing a good enough job. If we don't know any better, how are we supposed to do any better? You can't change what you don't know. If you're really questioning it, go get him evaluated and see for sure. 

Likely your pediatrician and family don't know enough to make an evaluation or offer understanding and advice for your situation. 

Lastly, please find a way to forgive yourself and don't beat yourself up for it. There is nothing you're doing wrong, trust me!, I think you totally misunderstood my use of normal. Theres a reason I used quotes. But carry on judging people. There’s a lot of assumptions here., Sorry but that wasn’t judgment. I see in a lot of these post parents are saying they want a ‘normal’ life with their autistic kids. I get what you’re saying but you added at the end “ he still will never have a “normal life” because he is autistic” 

I just wanted parents to know that whatever is going on is normal as long as they love and support that child to the fullest. I just hate seeing parents compare their little ones to others because i often see it makes them feel like they aren’t doing enough. 

We are in the same boat. I only seek advice here never judgment 💜, OP was the one pointing out “normal”. I never compare my kid to other kids. I have no need too. But I know his life isn’t ever going to be “normal”. Again you made assumptions and judgements. Do better., Give yourself grace, and give yourself more credit. Others in your circumstances may not have gotten their child evaluated until a teacher or other professional suggested it. It's not too late.

I feel a lot of guilt for signs I missed and mis-steps I've taken trying to find the right care for my son, too. It's not a straight forward path, we just do the best we can at each step. There's no way for us to get each step right, but as we know better we do better, and that's the best we can offer., If your child is autistic, you could get them help at 18 months and they still won’t have a “normal life.” The condition doesn’t go away. 

However My son was 6 before he was diagnosed level 1 and the OT, speech, and Play therapies have helped him a ton. He still will never have a “normal life” because he is autistic., I totally understand you. The support wasn't really around us until we got an actual diagnosis. My mom would tell my sister it wasn't her place when she raised concerns earlier on. And my sister has a close friend with an autistic child as well so she just was trying to help. With everyone around me saying he's fine and just behind I didn't take any steps early on when I thought maybe I should. I do regret that I didn't go on my own instincts. But you know what as long as you're trying now that's all that matters! Day by day is all we can do. He's now almost 4 and haven't even started therapy because everywhere we look has a year long wait-list😑 definitely wish I had started earlier but we can only move forward from where we are. Don't be too hard on yourself, I’m so mad at your doctor for you.  He or she see how many children a day and just dismissed your concerns.  It would have been better earlier, but it’s good you are no longer waiting.  Get a new pediatrician and get on the waitlist for an evaluation.  Call as many places as you can and get on the cancellation list., It's clear that you deeply care about your child's well-being, and that's incredibly important! Firstly, please know that you're not alone in this journey. Many parents face similar challenges and uncertainties when it comes to their child's development, especially when navigating the complexities of autism. It's understandable that you may feel overwhelmed and guilty about not seeking an evaluation earlier. However, it's never too late to take action and seek support for your child.

Here are some steps you can take:

\- Schedule an evaluation: sounds like you have already done this which is great! this will help give you a plan for interventions and support, and also hopefully give you a clearer picture of your kid's strengths and what they need

\- In the meantime - take the time to learn about autism and your child's needs, if you are on social media there are many great speech therapists, OTs, etc. who have accounts dedicated to giving advice to parents like you! here are a few from instagram off the top of my head but there are tons:  @ autismsavvy @ unfurling\_littles, @ abaspeechbyrose, @ cari.ebert.seminars, @ sensory.slp, @ theautismconsultant

\- Remember to take care of yourself too. This journey can be tough, so make sure you're giving yourself some TLC along the way.

You've got this, and you're not alone. I promise there are other parents, professionals and resources out there ready to help you and your child. You're doing an awesome job as a parent!, Firstly, it's never too late. You might have to wait on a list for an evaluation but it will happen. We all make mistakes you have to forgive yourself. None of us really know what we are doing and are just trying our best. Don't worry as hard as it can be you will figure out what works for your family. Hopefully you live in a state with good benefits because honestly Mass health has saved me a fortune on healthcare for my little man., Look into early intervention in your area.  They'll help you do some developmental screenings for your kiddo.  They helped me through the entire process.  I think their cut off age is 3, so if you think this is something you want to do, then call them now., Breathe. I taught preschool for nearly a decade. There were so many kids and parents in this situation. You didn't know what you didn't know. You're not too late. I didn't accept my own audhd until he got diagnosed and I'm in my 30's!  You're not too late.
Edited to add, my husband didn't speak until he was five and his parents refused services for him. Still no diagnosis, but he's got a doctorate now!, You are not too late! Don't beat yourself up...bad parents don't worry that they aren't good parents. The pediatrician talked me out of needing early intervention at his 2 year visit when I was worried about his speech and some other things that I considered red flags for development. At his three year visit a different practitioner saw him and was like nope. I will fax a request to the school ASAP. Then We had a very long wait for the developmental doctor but were able to get speech and OT evals in the meantime to start services before he was ever diagnosed. Not going to lie, the diagnosis helped getting him what he needed in school, but it wasn't the most important thing  in the moment. I don't know the laws for every state but in NY if you write a request for an evaluation to the school district, they have to set it up. (Mine was too old for early intervention for his OT and speech eval) And you have this valuable group to help you through those things! 

Just knowing that something is going on with him and wanting to get him whatever he needs to be successful is the first step

Edited for typos, No, you're not too late. If hes autistic hes autistic there's no changing wether he was diagnosed at 18 months or 3 years+ .. my daughter isn't formally diagnosed at 3 because no one would take her until she's 3, unless severe. Since she has no behaviors, sensory issues, transition issues etc so we were brushed off. I started being concerned with speech at 15 months and her pediatrician told me to wait til shes 2.. i wish i hadnt. But here we are. So we have an intake appt in May and then we'll go from there. She's been in speech for 1 year this month, she has great receptive language but minimally verbal. She has some fine motor struggles but she improves EVERYDAY and we are so proud of her no matter what. Your child will be just fine. I wish I had pushed a little harder, but it is what it is now. My advice would be start looking up occupational and speech therapists and try their suggestions. That's what I did and I think that's why she has such great receptive language., Go ahead and get started finding a diagnostician. The wait could be awhile. In the meantime, if you are in the US, contact your local Early Intervention office and get speech therapy services started. At 3, they move kids to the school systems with an IEP. 

My daughter has done speech since her first birthday. And we still didn't know it was ASD until she was 8. Don't feel bad. There's still time for therapies., Your kid's not even 3. Average diagnosis age is 4. You're looking into things earlier than half of the bell curve, which is great. Autism wasn't even remotely on anybody's radar for my kid at that age. They didn't get any services until 15. Formal medical diagnosis came at 22. They're currently getting a master's and working two jobs. I've heard many stories of autistic adults who are first getting diagnosed in their 30's, 40's, 50's, and beyond. Anthony Hopkins found out in his 70's, I believe. ""Old"" dogs can learn new tricks., My granddaughter's parents decided not to have her evaluated and she is about to turn five. She has not been to public school or preschool. Very interestingly, my son's ability to be patient with his daughter has resulted in huge progress in her language and other intellectual abilities all on her own timeline. I think she definitely could use some OT to help with motor skills but I think those things are teachable. I think that eventually she will get a diagnosis, and her parents  plan to homeschool her so we'll see. As a grandparent, I'm limited in what I can say. The one huge benefit I see in keeping her away from the stress and anxiety of appointments,  classes, etc is that she is a more relaxed child. I know from raising my own children how stressful it is to be at school on time, rush to appointments, perform to certain expectations, these things are going to be there for the next 12+ years so maybe what is the point of starting so early?, Thank you so much I’m currently breaking down I have so much guilt and anger towards myself I feel like it’s all my fault and I’m to late to get my son help  thank you for not judging me❤️‍🩹, You should reconsider what you and your family think is ‘normal’. I think classify our kids as not being normal because they have autism is harsh. As we know there are many levels to the spectrum and modern society is far from ‘normal’. Ppl are walking around who have not been diagnosed, I guarantee 😁

Our babies are extremely special in their own way! Center your attention around them and their uniqueness, not your friends and others kids cause it’ll only make you feel like you’re lacking and you are not!, I went 36 years without knowing I was on the spectrum, 10 years without realizing my daughter was, and 4 years without realizing my son was. Please don't beat yourself up for not doing a good enough job. If we don't know any better, how are we supposed to do any better? You can't change what you don't know. If you're really questioning it, go get him evaluated and see for sure. 

Likely your pediatrician and family don't know enough to make an evaluation or offer understanding and advice for your situation. 

Lastly, please find a way to forgive yourself and don't beat yourself up for it. There is nothing you're doing wrong, trust me!, I think you totally misunderstood my use of normal. Theres a reason I used quotes. But carry on judging people. There’s a lot of assumptions here., Sorry but that wasn’t judgment. I see in a lot of these post parents are saying they want a ‘normal’ life with their autistic kids. I get what you’re saying but you added at the end “ he still will never have a “normal life” because he is autistic” 

I just wanted parents to know that whatever is going on is normal as long as they love and support that child to the fullest. I just hate seeing parents compare their little ones to others because i often see it makes them feel like they aren’t doing enough. 

We are in the same boat. I only seek advice here never judgment 💜, OP was the one pointing out “normal”. I never compare my kid to other kids. I have no need too. But I know his life isn’t ever going to be “normal”. Again you made assumptions and judgements. Do better.",Support,Seeking Diagnosis
"2e parent of 2e child here.  I pretty much self taught myself to mask convincingly through a lot of errors and brute force.  It was another time and there wasn't really understanding of asd among working class families.  I don't want my kid's diagnosis to be an excuse to not learn how to deal with people or to not at least try, but other family members seem less concerned about learning to adapt.  Am I weird?  Am I just a relic of a bygone era and the sort of skills I developed are no longer needed?  Does logic-ing your way to figuring out how people expect you to behave and providing them with the expected response do harm?  Is there a better way I never learned?","I feel like the current narrative on masking is a little corny, tbh. 

Who isn't masking in social situations, a lot of the time, if not most of the time? 

Being polite, friendly, self aware, attentive, interested, etc. aren't things that most people feel with 100% sincerity at any given time. 

We ALL put on our social mask when we engage with others- it's not an inherently autistic trait. It's not even a  mostly autistic trait. 

I mentioned before, the *only* people I know who never mask, and just let their real time feelings be known, behaving however they like- regardless of who is around- are autistic. 

It is just human nature to assess expectations and try to meet them when we want to navigate social situations smoothly. Otherwise we'd all be strolling around in pajamas, picking our noses, and telling people what we really think of them., In the same boat here. I don't think masking 24/7 is healthy. I do think that it's important for the kid to understand what masking is, and when it is appropriate., I wish I knew the answer as well I used to rock back and forth for hours listening to the same song up until 22. I could not do school because of this habit. When I started working on top of school, I realized I liked money more than rocking and I stopped and now I would have no desire to rock back and forth on my legs, How old is your child? Are your expectations too high for your child’s age and/or current ability? Are you expecting them to learn to mask in front of friends and family or only necessary occasions? If able to, I do think at least understanding some social nuances and cues will be something important in most workplaces. I don’t think it’s something I’d be worried about around friends or at family events though as my child should be comfortable around the people in our lives., If you’re kid is old enough figure out what they want. 2e so you can explain why one would act or do certain things and figure out what would make you’re kid happier. 

In my kids case he is kind and will do the right thing and will not lie but he doesn’t care what other people think so normally he would not bother or care to mask. Until he was in a social skills class in high school, he hated this class because you know he doesn’t care what other people think and he would rather be in math or science class. I taught him how to fake eye contact even though it’s pretty close to lying. His sped teacher was so happy that she taught him how to make eye contact and he didn’t have to take that class anymore.

I was thinking you are wrong.
But now that I think more about it, I’m not sure. My kid is struggling with adulting in a way he never did as a child. We are working on self advocacy skills and the world has become more accepting but also people with less needs then him have louder voices and no one hears him., Something my child told me that came from a former therapist that we've found helpful. There's a difference between masking and code switching. Masking is often subconscious, is heavily shame-driven, and is something that usually gets applied 24/7. Code-switching is intentional, transactional, goal-driven, and strategic, and there are clear boundaries set as to when it's on and off, with there being a high priority placed on finding as many safe spaces as possible where it doesn't have to happen., These are very wise words., 8.  I guess my question is more 'what is expected and normal now?'  I had to learn to mask 24/7 and am not comfortable in almost any social circumstances except for very structured or ritualized engagements because I know what to expect, which seems to not be a common expectation anymore, but idk what is now normal.  Some people seem to imply that all masking is harmful.  I don't want him to neglect learning this stuff since I shot myself in the foot far too many times through ignorance of how humans are supposed to behave, but I don't want to swing the pendulum too far and do harm the other way.  Basically, I want my child to be long term happy.  I don't know if I'd be shooting him in the foot by making him fake it or by not making him fake it.  Both seem to have high potential for problems, It reminds me of myself as a kid.  I legit did not care about what anyone thought, and only in my 20s did I come to the realization that I could be treated the way I wanted by giving people what they wanted with social interaction.   While not intuitive, reframing it as a transactional action where I give courtesy or the appearance of confidence to receive courtesy or trust helped me understand and not see it as dishonest., Thanks! I have a hard time with this topic, because I feel like it is almost a buzzword among a certain group, and they, in general, seem to be trying to control a narrative that is somehow over-inclusive *and* embarrassingly exclusive, considering.",Support,Masking
"I (F22) have an (M9) brother who is non verbal autistic. My parents honestly from the looks of it have no desire to take care of him UNTIL i push them to. For example my brother uses two tablets a phone and the tv all at once. I know autistic people desire stimulation and it works for them but this much honestly is not and does not seen healthy so when i take away the devices and push him to use one my parents yell at me and get real nasty and tell me to mind my business

Another example is his health in general. My parents couldnt care less to brush his teeth, wash his face or give him a balanced meal . He had surgery for decayed teeth a while back and i have been strict on his oral hygiene but my mother just calls me “a loud mouth , evil , dont tell me what to do , i do everything for you kids.” And just goes on a full manipulative rant. So i just do it myself but it gets super hard especially since i have my own mental disorders. I know eating is hard since they get quite picky and also sensory problems but feeding him candy and soda 24/7 when he had no issue when i dont give him that is honestly horrible but then again they get angry at mr and calk me names and it turns into a screaming match.
I feel so defeated and lonely since its super hard taking care if my brother with his constant screaming and crying with no help from nobody. I feel guilty disrespecting my parents but at the same time and think that I genuinely start these issues. 

I know my mother tries sometimes but i cant help but to think she could be doing more but i feel weird saying that when sometimes I dont help my brother and sit down and teach him but he isnt my son 🤷🏽‍♀️","> My parents couldnt care less to brush his teeth, wash his face or give him a balanced meal . He had surgery for decayed teeth a while back and i have been strict on his oral hygiene but my mother just calls me “a loud mouth , evil , dont tell me what to do , i do everything for you kids.”

This sounds like neglect. Very sad that he had to have surgery for decayed teeth and even sadder that it wasn't a wake up call for the parents., No it doesn't sound like you're being unreasonable it sounds like you're being a very good sister and advocate! Your concerns are completely valid., Hey there, it sounds like you're going through a really tough time, and I just want to say, you're not alone. Taking care of someone with support needs can be incredibly challenging, especially when it feels like you're not getting the support *you* need.

First things first, let's make it clear: from your description, it does not sound like you're being unreasonable or strict for wanting what's best for your brother. As his sibling, it's natural to want to look out for him and make sure he's getting the care he deserves.

It's concerning that your parents aren't fully stepping up to meet your brother's needs, and I can imagine how frustrating and overwhelming that must be for you. Have you tried having a heart-to-heart with them? Sometimes a calm, honest conversation can work wonders. Let them know how much you care about your brother and how you're feeling overwhelmed by the responsibility falling solely on you. Additionally, you could suggest seeking support from professionals who can provide guidance and resources for managing your brother's care.

In the meantime, it's important to set boundaries for yourself and prioritize your own well-being. You can continue to do what you can to help your brother, but it's okay to recognize when you need to take a step back and focus on your own needs. Remember that you're not alone, and there are resources and support networks available to you, such as support groups for siblings of individuals with special needs.

You're doing the best you can in a tough situation, and that deserves recognition. Hang in there!, Yeah you would think so 😭 
she wont do it unless i tell her to but after a week or so she loses the routine its super frustrating., im not his brother but his sister,but thank you so much for this comment ☺️☺️, Thank you so much , i truly appreciate this comment. I really do want the best for him and burn myself out in the process unfortunately. 
I have tried a one to one and i even cried multiple times infront of them but they still dont care. Thankfully my brother has amazing resources and professionals who help him which has helped a ton for not only me but him. 
I will definitely set some boundaries 🥰, Sorry I was speed reading but I wanted to be sure to comment and not forget! You're welcome!! You're doing great for your little bro., > My parents couldnt care less to brush his teeth, wash his face or give him a balanced meal . He had surgery for decayed teeth a while back and i have been strict on his oral hygiene but my mother just calls me “a loud mouth , evil , dont tell me what to do , i do everything for you kids.”

This sounds like neglect. Very sad that he had to have surgery for decayed teeth and even sadder that it wasn't a wake up call for the parents., No it doesn't sound like you're being unreasonable it sounds like you're being a very good sister and advocate! Your concerns are completely valid., Hey there, it sounds like you're going through a really tough time, and I just want to say, you're not alone. Taking care of someone with support needs can be incredibly challenging, especially when it feels like you're not getting the support *you* need.

First things first, let's make it clear: from your description, it does not sound like you're being unreasonable or strict for wanting what's best for your brother. As his sibling, it's natural to want to look out for him and make sure he's getting the care he deserves.

It's concerning that your parents aren't fully stepping up to meet your brother's needs, and I can imagine how frustrating and overwhelming that must be for you. Have you tried having a heart-to-heart with them? Sometimes a calm, honest conversation can work wonders. Let them know how much you care about your brother and how you're feeling overwhelmed by the responsibility falling solely on you. Additionally, you could suggest seeking support from professionals who can provide guidance and resources for managing your brother's care.

In the meantime, it's important to set boundaries for yourself and prioritize your own well-being. You can continue to do what you can to help your brother, but it's okay to recognize when you need to take a step back and focus on your own needs. Remember that you're not alone, and there are resources and support networks available to you, such as support groups for siblings of individuals with special needs.

You're doing the best you can in a tough situation, and that deserves recognition. Hang in there!, Yeah you would think so 😭 
she wont do it unless i tell her to but after a week or so she loses the routine its super frustrating., im not his brother but his sister,but thank you so much for this comment ☺️☺️, Thank you so much , i truly appreciate this comment. I really do want the best for him and burn myself out in the process unfortunately. 
I have tried a one to one and i even cried multiple times infront of them but they still dont care. Thankfully my brother has amazing resources and professionals who help him which has helped a ton for not only me but him. 
I will definitely set some boundaries 🥰, Sorry I was speed reading but I wanted to be sure to comment and not forget! You're welcome!! You're doing great for your little bro., > My parents couldnt care less to brush his teeth, wash his face or give him a balanced meal . He had surgery for decayed teeth a while back and i have been strict on his oral hygiene but my mother just calls me “a loud mouth , evil , dont tell me what to do , i do everything for you kids.”

This sounds like neglect. Very sad that he had to have surgery for decayed teeth and even sadder that it wasn't a wake up call for the parents., No it doesn't sound like you're being unreasonable it sounds like you're being a very good sister and advocate! Your concerns are completely valid., Hey there, it sounds like you're going through a really tough time, and I just want to say, you're not alone. Taking care of someone with support needs can be incredibly challenging, especially when it feels like you're not getting the support *you* need.

First things first, let's make it clear: from your description, it does not sound like you're being unreasonable or strict for wanting what's best for your brother. As his sibling, it's natural to want to look out for him and make sure he's getting the care he deserves.

It's concerning that your parents aren't fully stepping up to meet your brother's needs, and I can imagine how frustrating and overwhelming that must be for you. Have you tried having a heart-to-heart with them? Sometimes a calm, honest conversation can work wonders. Let them know how much you care about your brother and how you're feeling overwhelmed by the responsibility falling solely on you. Additionally, you could suggest seeking support from professionals who can provide guidance and resources for managing your brother's care.

In the meantime, it's important to set boundaries for yourself and prioritize your own well-being. You can continue to do what you can to help your brother, but it's okay to recognize when you need to take a step back and focus on your own needs. Remember that you're not alone, and there are resources and support networks available to you, such as support groups for siblings of individuals with special needs.

You're doing the best you can in a tough situation, and that deserves recognition. Hang in there!, Yeah you would think so 😭 
she wont do it unless i tell her to but after a week or so she loses the routine its super frustrating., im not his brother but his sister,but thank you so much for this comment ☺️☺️, Thank you so much , i truly appreciate this comment. I really do want the best for him and burn myself out in the process unfortunately. 
I have tried a one to one and i even cried multiple times infront of them but they still dont care. Thankfully my brother has amazing resources and professionals who help him which has helped a ton for not only me but him. 
I will definitely set some boundaries 🥰, Sorry I was speed reading but I wanted to be sure to comment and not forget! You're welcome!! You're doing great for your little bro., > My parents couldnt care less to brush his teeth, wash his face or give him a balanced meal . He had surgery for decayed teeth a while back and i have been strict on his oral hygiene but my mother just calls me “a loud mouth , evil , dont tell me what to do , i do everything for you kids.”

This sounds like neglect. Very sad that he had to have surgery for decayed teeth and even sadder that it wasn't a wake up call for the parents., No it doesn't sound like you're being unreasonable it sounds like you're being a very good sister and advocate! Your concerns are completely valid., Hey there, it sounds like you're going through a really tough time, and I just want to say, you're not alone. Taking care of someone with support needs can be incredibly challenging, especially when it feels like you're not getting the support *you* need.

First things first, let's make it clear: from your description, it does not sound like you're being unreasonable or strict for wanting what's best for your brother. As his sibling, it's natural to want to look out for him and make sure he's getting the care he deserves.

It's concerning that your parents aren't fully stepping up to meet your brother's needs, and I can imagine how frustrating and overwhelming that must be for you. Have you tried having a heart-to-heart with them? Sometimes a calm, honest conversation can work wonders. Let them know how much you care about your brother and how you're feeling overwhelmed by the responsibility falling solely on you. Additionally, you could suggest seeking support from professionals who can provide guidance and resources for managing your brother's care.

In the meantime, it's important to set boundaries for yourself and prioritize your own well-being. You can continue to do what you can to help your brother, but it's okay to recognize when you need to take a step back and focus on your own needs. Remember that you're not alone, and there are resources and support networks available to you, such as support groups for siblings of individuals with special needs.

You're doing the best you can in a tough situation, and that deserves recognition. Hang in there!, Yeah you would think so 😭 
she wont do it unless i tell her to but after a week or so she loses the routine its super frustrating., im not his brother but his sister,but thank you so much for this comment ☺️☺️, Thank you so much , i truly appreciate this comment. I really do want the best for him and burn myself out in the process unfortunately. 
I have tried a one to one and i even cried multiple times infront of them but they still dont care. Thankfully my brother has amazing resources and professionals who help him which has helped a ton for not only me but him. 
I will definitely set some boundaries 🥰, Sorry I was speed reading but I wanted to be sure to comment and not forget! You're welcome!! You're doing great for your little bro.",Support,Family Conflict
"UPDATE-

Thanm you to everyone who commented and gave suggestions/feedback.  Like I said, I wasnt really asking for advice but I do greatly appreciate it...  I've definitely already read every single constipation post on here, lol.  

I was really frustrated because we had just done the ER trip with him, I was hoping he'd keep that in mind for at least a month!

That night, I ended up giving him 1/2 cup extra strength (steeped for 12 hours) coffee with 1/2 cup creamer.  Within 20 minutes he went a tiny bit to the bathroom.  Over the next few hours he went 3 more times.  Thank God!!

Our next step is to do anything we can to increase his fluids.  I'm going to straight up bribe him.. dollar for every 8 ounces he can drink. I also saved a few high fiber snack recipes.  (If he actually eats any of them, I'll be sure to post the recipe.)  I don't want to do fiber gummies without increasing his water.  Good news, this boy can house some fresh watermelon in the summer.  

Thank you to everyone!!!


Like many, many of our kiddos my 11yo is still struggling with constipation and has been since ... well, forever.  And like many, many of us parents, I have been dismissed by majority of doctors and 3 pediatric GI's.  

Do a clean put, do daily miralax, make him sit after dinner, etc.  I think we've all been told the same thing and I think for a lot of us, none of this works.  He will take daily miralax and still not go for 7-8 days.  He started fighting the miralax because it made him fart and he was terrified he'd poop his pants in school.  

We keep a poop calender so I can keep track of his schedule specifically because of constipation.  It is very typical for him to go 5-6 days without and then we spend 2-3 days of constant fighting because I'm begging him to go - and him not, of course.  It usually turns into me giving ex-lax, a few times milk of magnesia and basically threatening him with an ER trip, enema and ""they might have to physically go in and pull it out!""  I repeat all the same things... you need water to poop, you may not feel it but you still need to try to go, blah blah..  Around day 10, he will go.

He doesn't typically complain of any stomach pains, all we ever hear is ""I don't feel it.""  

I got so sick of the constant fighting that I said fine, deal with it yourself.  The norm of 8-10 days stayed the same.  Last week was rough and he refused to go to school (again, very typical) but then said his stomach hurt.  I look at the calender and it's been 17 days.  17 freaking days.  I immediately tell him it's ER time, no negotiating.  ""Oh, maybe I forgot to write it.""  I don't care, we get ready to go.  All of a sudden he thinks he can go.  Thankfully, he did.  But I stuck to my guns and we still went.  X-ray confirmed he was full of poop with the majority sitting at the bottom.  They seemed somewhat shocked that he was saying he didn't feel anything. Said to go home and try an enema.

Nope, ya'll do that.  I love my kid but I wanted this visit seared in his brain.  He freaked the he'll out but they gave him one and he went a few times.  That weekend he had a TON of energy.  He mentioned how much better he felt, how his stomach wasn't stuck out... I thought, ""maybe this might work now"".  Hahahahahaha... 

We're on day 5 day with 2 days of miralax.  A neighbor gave me a fiber powder from young living that I gave to him last night - I'm not that person but I'm freaking desperate.  Nothing.  I told my husband if he doesn't go by day 7 he's going to have to hold him down and do an enema, I don't see another option at this point.  (I can't, my 11yo is practically the size of me and has that wild animal in a trap strength.)  

I tried to do daily morning coffee but it was like 1 TB coffee to 7 oz creamer and he still wouldn't drink it.  I've tried probiotics, ducolax chews (he spits them out), fiber smoothes with fruit and chia seeds.  I have prunes but he won't eat them.  

I wrote all of this, not to ask for medicine advice but what tests have you asked doctors to perform in regards to this?  I definitely will be setting up appt with yet another pediatric GI but I would like to go in with a list of possible tests I should be asking for.  All I know is he's been tested for celiac and lactose intolerance with a blood test years ago.  There has to be more tests, right?  
 
","Wish i could help.  If you find out let me know.  , Can he learn how to self administer an enema? Alternatively, can he take a laxative with magnesium hydroxide when it gets bad? I found it (pedia-lax on amazon) works better than miralax but is harsher on the stomach and I think they say you shouldn't take it every day. Still beats an ER trip.

Any meds that might be making it worse? Guanfacine made it worse for mine for a couple months., Does he take any fiber supplements, my son has also dealt with constipation issues until 2023 when he seemed to have magically grew out of it. No more leaky stool but he does big ones now in the toilet we have to have him take it out and throw it away because it's too big to go down. He does take fiber gummies. He also eats fruit at school he says. Does your son eat any fruit? Have you tried castor oil or prune juice or smooth move tea? 

My son refused to use an enema and take miralax. He also wouldn't take stool softeners either. Says he can't swallow pills., We use milk of magnesia instead of mirlax, it does the same thing but doesn’t take as much.

The pregnancy constipation solution that was given to me by a NP was combining colace 1-3 pills and 15 ml milk of magnesia to combat the slowed intestines of pregnancy.  It worked like a charm.

I think outside of behavioral issues that some of this can be related to low muscle tone.  There’s no real cure mostly just management., We use magnesium supplement to keep my boy going., We did miralax in the water bottle for a year and he was fine. We stopped and he got so bad he was vomiting after eating. We had to do ex lax to clear him out. We're going to resume the miralax. He eats dried and fresh fruit but I guess not enough. 

I do believe that they can't feel it. I had my own struggles after a major surgery and I never had the urge to go at all. I still have to take senna syrup nightly to keep any movement going at all., Just curious, how much water and food does he consume a day? If we don't drink and eat enough consistently, our systems can get out of whack and cause constipation (among other issues). I know it can be hard to keep on top of consuming enough though.

Otherwise, fruits can help stimulate some bowel motility from the seeds in it, and oatmeal has personally been my best ""elimination regulator"" as I find the texture tolerable.

Edit to add: certain foods would also get me very backed up as a kid, like mushroom soup. Lord I can feel the pain from eating mushroom soup as a kid still... I wasn't lactose intolerant though so I don't know why it did that to me... Maybe a certain food he eats is contributing to this?, We use Actilax Mixture 500mL

Active Ingredients: lactulose 

5 mls daily then 10 mild if we constipated 

Found it most helpful and it has sweet edge so kiddo happy to take it 

To help fluid intake - we do crushed iced for her to chew on . Home made icy poles, We found our pediatrician’s advice (Miralax) didn’t go far enough, and caused side effects as you mention, and our pediatric GI’s advice to add ex-lax was the ticket.  

Wishing you and your kid the best., How is the water and fiber intake? I don't see many comments mentioning how important fluid intake is.  The large intestine removes a lot of water., We use this twice a day in water or milk and works like a charm. My kiddo has a very limited diet so the added fiber really helps to keep things moving without a struggle.

[https://oken.do/4ux01l78](https://oken.do/4ux01l78)

https://preview.redd.it/erv1suvpvooc1.jpeg?width=1242&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=fddfce7fc2b8f474c0d0cb228a606aad78b41b7b, My son gets really constipated when he doesn't drink enough water. Probiotic or yogurt helps him stay regular. But I have to keep pushing water, or he won't drink it at all. In school too with his team. They push it too. , The many traumatized by the medications forced into genitals by parents and doctors 

[https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/12ci9lo/feels\_like\_sa\_but\_a\_doctor\_told\_her\_to\_am\_i\_in/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=ios\_app&utm\_name=iossmf](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/12ci9lo/feels_like_sa_but_a_doctor_told_her_to_am_i_in/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf),

[https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/comments/k7q6eo/i\_feel\_like\_i\_dont\_have\_the\_right\_to\_feel/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=ios\_app&utm\_name=iossmf](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/comments/k7q6eo/i_feel_like_i_dont_have_the_right_to_feel/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf),

[https://www.reddit.com/r/adultsurvivors/comments/4a311m/not\_technically\_sexual\_abuse\_but\_i\_may\_have/](https://www.reddit.com/r/adultsurvivors/comments/4a311m/not_technically_sexual_abuse_but_i_may_have/),

[https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/comments/1bb8zat/anyone\_else\_might\_have\_sexual\_problems\_and/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=ios\_app&utm\_name=iossmf](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/comments/1bb8zat/anyone_else_might_have_sexual_problems_and/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf),

[https://www.reddit.com/r/abusiveparents/comments/1asvd5s/my\_mom\_constantly\_used\_invasive\_medical/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=ios\_app&utm\_name=iossmf](https://www.reddit.com/r/abusiveparents/comments/1asvd5s/my_mom_constantly_used_invasive_medical/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)

[https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/comments/17bv6de/i\_feel\_like\_my\_medical\_trauma\_is\_affecting\_me/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=ios\_app&utm\_name=iossmf](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/comments/17bv6de/i_feel_like_my_medical_trauma_is_affecting_me/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)

[https://www.reddit.com/r/adultsurvivors/comments/19ado5a/please\_help\_me\_in\_any\_way\_sexually\_invasive/](https://www.reddit.com/r/adultsurvivors/comments/19ado5a/please_help_me_in_any_way_sexually_invasive/)

[https://www.reddit.com/r/adultsurvivors/comments/18oudyh/not\_sure\_where\_to\_start\_unpacking\_this/](https://www.reddit.com/r/adultsurvivors/comments/18oudyh/not_sure_where_to_start_unpacking_this/)

[https://www.reddit.com/r/adultsurvivors/comments/bcfyhd/i\_just\_need\_to\_get\_thoughts\_off\_my\_chest/](https://www.reddit.com/r/adultsurvivors/comments/bcfyhd/i_just_need_to_get_thoughts_off_my_chest/)

[https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/comments/wes9yj/trigger\_warning\_description\_of\_sexualphysical/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=ios\_app&utm\_name=iossmf](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/comments/wes9yj/trigger_warning_description_of_sexualphysical/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf), I definitely will.  Every doctor has said the same thing.  I'm currently going down a rabbit hole of trying to find a recipe I could hide a shit ton of prunes in... but that he'd also eat., I can work with him to self-administer but not very hopeful that he would do it.  It's really a toss up of whether this is a matter of control or medical at this point.  

He was on guanfacine for a year but we ended up stopping that about 3 weeks ago.  I read last night that melatonin might make it worse, which he is on .5 every night.  But then I also read it could cause diarrhea so..., I didn't know such small bodies could make such massive poops.  It's really crazy.  

He eats apples, broccoli, raisins, clementines/mandarin oranges... he is currently taking the olly kids + fiber but I'm guessing it's pretty minimal.  

We tried prunes and prune juice.  I actually believe I may have the smooth move tea!  I've heard of some people having success using prunes in oatmeal cookies... maybe I can try that with colorful M&M's.  I've also seen mini chocolate covered prunes but they seemed expensive as a ""probably throw it away"".  

Maybe if I said ""DON'T go poop"" he'd do it just to spite me., He calls the milk of magnesia ""forbidden danimals"", lol.  I never thought about this being related to low muscle tone, that makes a lot of sense.  Thank you., Which magnesium supplement do you do?  We tried adding Olly kids chillax with the magnesium in it but it seemed to make him more tired.

We were adding it onto the melatonin so it's possible it was just too much calmness., Miralax for a year!  My son started refusing after a month or so.  It gave him bad gas and I think kids really picked on him at school.  

I have IBS-D so I can't relate to not pooping or holding it... I wish I could, lol., I've been really thinking of whether it's foods contributing.  I watched a YouTube video of a medical seminar on constipation and they talked about how it often starts when kids switch to cows milk and I remember that that is really around the time my son started with this.  His pediatrician had us go to 2%.  I'm gonna feel horrible if milk/dairy has been contributing to this.  Allergy testing (skin pricks)  at 4mo said no, as well as blood testing later but... shrug...

He does not drink enough, we have got him to a pretty consistent 20oz minimum on school days.  Normally more like 28oz but I know that's still not enough.  Again, it's one of those things where I keep on him but eventually his fighting wears me down.  He also doesn't eat enough, he is on appetite stimulants currently and that barely makes a dent.  

I'm thinking I should keep a food log for him and then mesh it with the poop calender to see if there's correlation.  Thank you., I appreciate you sharing these stories.  What are you suggesting parents do, exactly?  Let their children potentially die from a perforated colon?  Watch their child suffer every day because they are so constipated all they do is lay there and cry? 

You say ""forced into genitals"" as if parents and doctors are enjoying this or we are choosing this over some other treatment.  Much of any treatment is weighing risk over benefit.  If you google any medication or treatment you find people who have experienced side effects, most not enjoyable.  Miralax has reports of behavioral problems.  Laxatives have reports of stomach pain and potential dependency.  

Chemotherapy has horrible side effects.  So does cancer.  

I don't think any parent here is going, ""Yes, I get to hold my kid down and force an enema tonight!  Awesome!""  Seriously? 

The majority of these stories you shared seem as if abuse was going on outside of enemas/suppositories, as well.  Not just constipation. 

 As a parent, you're faced with these life-altering decisions every day and you're never 100% sure what will happen.  Anything a parent says or does runs the risk of causing trauma.  

If we don't treat our kids constipation, we also run the risk of them having trauma from that.  ""I now need to poop in a bag because my parents didn't help me when I had encropsis."", I googled and an 11 year old boy should get 31 grams of fiber a day. I give my 3 year old fiber gummies becuase she’s on a fruit strike. Even when I added up the regular fruits I’m trying to get her to eat and I was surprised the little amount of fiber in them. Now I give her two gummies it’s half her day of fiber. 

Was there a time when it hurt really bad when he went? That can even bother NT kids but I’m wondering if it has to do with the notion that autistic children aren’t as in tuned with their bodies as usual. Can a therapist or an OT help him build a connection with what his body is feeling? It’s sounds silly but it reminds me of the lack of connection my lower abdominals and pelvic floor have had with my brain making it difficult for me to hold urine or even know that I have to pee until my bladder is super full. Pilates/pelvic floor therapy helps me with this but it has taken me awhile., We use the Mighty Kids liposomal magnesium. We tried the health4all kids magnesium but that’s only magnesium citrate and that was too much, it gave him pretty horrendous diarrhoea but at least he had a good clear out compare to the baseball size and density poops he was having previous. 

The magnesium has had a positive effect on his sleep and reduced night wakings so that definitely is something to be aware of if using melatonin too., Would an allergy test/blood work only show an actual allergy to dairy, or would it also show intolerances to it as well? I don't know enough about them. 

If the allergy and blood testing didn't show anything, please don't feel too bad if it turns out dairy is causing the constipation. We all make decisions based on the information we are armed with at that time, and the information you are armed with (by the allergist/doctors) is that dairy isn't causing it.

Maybe adding some sugar-free flavouring to the water would help him drink more? I didn't drink nearly enough water as a kid but I could down those flavoured water bottles like nothing. Also sometimes drinking more helps me with eating more, and if I eat more then I drink more too, so stimulating one side might help the other. Good luck!, I was just talking to my husband about seeing if we should add private OT because he doesn't seem to have any body connections.  We've been so focused on fighting the school/shower battle that it's hard to maintain energy to do all of it.  

I just calculated his fiber intake with a typical day of eating and it was only like 9 grams!!  That's not even half!  I will be getting fiber gummies for him.  I didn't realize he was that deficit... I thought because he was eating some broccoli with dinner, an apple after school, etc that it wasn't that bad. 

Thank you!, I'm not sure about the testing.  He's due for his yearly in April and I will mention it.  His problem with drinking is just stopping what he's doing to drink it.  Or doing the ""oh, let me just finish the one thing"" and next thing you know it's 3 hours!, I would also look into the sources of fiber as well as soluble vs insoluble. Like oranges have fiber but I thought they were constipating…  Does he do yogurt or oatmeal? Those are good places to sneak in chia seeds and ground flax. We do those naked juices with miralax. They have a good amount of fiber on their own. Do you have a squatty potty or a step stool he can put his feet on to get that good position?, We do have a squatty potty that he will sometimes (but rarely) agree to use.  I tried chia seeds in fruit smoothies but he eventually stopped taking those, too.  No yogurt or oatmeal but I am going to try Activia with him again.  The naked juices may be an option...

I think it's much like anything else and what he will do one week, he hates the next.  Get him in a good mood and he will say things like ""I don't like this that much but I know it will help my poop"" and then the next time throw a huge fit about it., I feel like we have to have so many techniques and tricks to rotate through because these kids get so particular! So many times I have gotten fruit he was super in to and then he immediately stopped being in to it. 
I get the naked juices at Costco, they have small containers that come in 3 flavors so it’s good to have slight variety. They are definitely more like a thicker juice than a smoothie so that works for my son., Wish i could help.  If you find out let me know.  , Can he learn how to self administer an enema? Alternatively, can he take a laxative with magnesium hydroxide when it gets bad? I found it (pedia-lax on amazon) works better than miralax but is harsher on the stomach and I think they say you shouldn't take it every day. Still beats an ER trip.

Any meds that might be making it worse? Guanfacine made it worse for mine for a couple months., Does he take any fiber supplements, my son has also dealt with constipation issues until 2023 when he seemed to have magically grew out of it. No more leaky stool but he does big ones now in the toilet we have to have him take it out and throw it away because it's too big to go down. He does take fiber gummies. He also eats fruit at school he says. Does your son eat any fruit? Have you tried castor oil or prune juice or smooth move tea? 

My son refused to use an enema and take miralax. He also wouldn't take stool softeners either. Says he can't swallow pills., We use milk of magnesia instead of mirlax, it does the same thing but doesn’t take as much.

The pregnancy constipation solution that was given to me by a NP was combining colace 1-3 pills and 15 ml milk of magnesia to combat the slowed intestines of pregnancy.  It worked like a charm.

I think outside of behavioral issues that some of this can be related to low muscle tone.  There’s no real cure mostly just management., We use magnesium supplement to keep my boy going., We did miralax in the water bottle for a year and he was fine. We stopped and he got so bad he was vomiting after eating. We had to do ex lax to clear him out. We're going to resume the miralax. He eats dried and fresh fruit but I guess not enough. 

I do believe that they can't feel it. I had my own struggles after a major surgery and I never had the urge to go at all. I still have to take senna syrup nightly to keep any movement going at all., Just curious, how much water and food does he consume a day? If we don't drink and eat enough consistently, our systems can get out of whack and cause constipation (among other issues). I know it can be hard to keep on top of consuming enough though.

Otherwise, fruits can help stimulate some bowel motility from the seeds in it, and oatmeal has personally been my best ""elimination regulator"" as I find the texture tolerable.

Edit to add: certain foods would also get me very backed up as a kid, like mushroom soup. Lord I can feel the pain from eating mushroom soup as a kid still... I wasn't lactose intolerant though so I don't know why it did that to me... Maybe a certain food he eats is contributing to this?, We use Actilax Mixture 500mL

Active Ingredients: lactulose 

5 mls daily then 10 mild if we constipated 

Found it most helpful and it has sweet edge so kiddo happy to take it 

To help fluid intake - we do crushed iced for her to chew on . Home made icy poles, We found our pediatrician’s advice (Miralax) didn’t go far enough, and caused side effects as you mention, and our pediatric GI’s advice to add ex-lax was the ticket.  

Wishing you and your kid the best., How is the water and fiber intake? I don't see many comments mentioning how important fluid intake is.  The large intestine removes a lot of water., We use this twice a day in water or milk and works like a charm. My kiddo has a very limited diet so the added fiber really helps to keep things moving without a struggle.

[https://oken.do/4ux01l78](https://oken.do/4ux01l78)

https://preview.redd.it/erv1suvpvooc1.jpeg?width=1242&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=fddfce7fc2b8f474c0d0cb228a606aad78b41b7b, My son gets really constipated when he doesn't drink enough water. Probiotic or yogurt helps him stay regular. But I have to keep pushing water, or he won't drink it at all. In school too with his team. They push it too. , The many traumatized by the medications forced into genitals by parents and doctors 

[https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/12ci9lo/feels\_like\_sa\_but\_a\_doctor\_told\_her\_to\_am\_i\_in/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=ios\_app&utm\_name=iossmf](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/12ci9lo/feels_like_sa_but_a_doctor_told_her_to_am_i_in/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf),

[https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/comments/k7q6eo/i\_feel\_like\_i\_dont\_have\_the\_right\_to\_feel/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=ios\_app&utm\_name=iossmf](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/comments/k7q6eo/i_feel_like_i_dont_have_the_right_to_feel/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf),

[https://www.reddit.com/r/adultsurvivors/comments/4a311m/not\_technically\_sexual\_abuse\_but\_i\_may\_have/](https://www.reddit.com/r/adultsurvivors/comments/4a311m/not_technically_sexual_abuse_but_i_may_have/),

[https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/comments/1bb8zat/anyone\_else\_might\_have\_sexual\_problems\_and/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=ios\_app&utm\_name=iossmf](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/comments/1bb8zat/anyone_else_might_have_sexual_problems_and/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf),

[https://www.reddit.com/r/abusiveparents/comments/1asvd5s/my\_mom\_constantly\_used\_invasive\_medical/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=ios\_app&utm\_name=iossmf](https://www.reddit.com/r/abusiveparents/comments/1asvd5s/my_mom_constantly_used_invasive_medical/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)

[https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/comments/17bv6de/i\_feel\_like\_my\_medical\_trauma\_is\_affecting\_me/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=ios\_app&utm\_name=iossmf](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/comments/17bv6de/i_feel_like_my_medical_trauma_is_affecting_me/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)

[https://www.reddit.com/r/adultsurvivors/comments/19ado5a/please\_help\_me\_in\_any\_way\_sexually\_invasive/](https://www.reddit.com/r/adultsurvivors/comments/19ado5a/please_help_me_in_any_way_sexually_invasive/)

[https://www.reddit.com/r/adultsurvivors/comments/18oudyh/not\_sure\_where\_to\_start\_unpacking\_this/](https://www.reddit.com/r/adultsurvivors/comments/18oudyh/not_sure_where_to_start_unpacking_this/)

[https://www.reddit.com/r/adultsurvivors/comments/bcfyhd/i\_just\_need\_to\_get\_thoughts\_off\_my\_chest/](https://www.reddit.com/r/adultsurvivors/comments/bcfyhd/i_just_need_to_get_thoughts_off_my_chest/)

[https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/comments/wes9yj/trigger\_warning\_description\_of\_sexualphysical/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=ios\_app&utm\_name=iossmf](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/comments/wes9yj/trigger_warning_description_of_sexualphysical/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf), I definitely will.  Every doctor has said the same thing.  I'm currently going down a rabbit hole of trying to find a recipe I could hide a shit ton of prunes in... but that he'd also eat., I can work with him to self-administer but not very hopeful that he would do it.  It's really a toss up of whether this is a matter of control or medical at this point.  

He was on guanfacine for a year but we ended up stopping that about 3 weeks ago.  I read last night that melatonin might make it worse, which he is on .5 every night.  But then I also read it could cause diarrhea so..., I didn't know such small bodies could make such massive poops.  It's really crazy.  

He eats apples, broccoli, raisins, clementines/mandarin oranges... he is currently taking the olly kids + fiber but I'm guessing it's pretty minimal.  

We tried prunes and prune juice.  I actually believe I may have the smooth move tea!  I've heard of some people having success using prunes in oatmeal cookies... maybe I can try that with colorful M&M's.  I've also seen mini chocolate covered prunes but they seemed expensive as a ""probably throw it away"".  

Maybe if I said ""DON'T go poop"" he'd do it just to spite me., He calls the milk of magnesia ""forbidden danimals"", lol.  I never thought about this being related to low muscle tone, that makes a lot of sense.  Thank you., Which magnesium supplement do you do?  We tried adding Olly kids chillax with the magnesium in it but it seemed to make him more tired.

We were adding it onto the melatonin so it's possible it was just too much calmness., Miralax for a year!  My son started refusing after a month or so.  It gave him bad gas and I think kids really picked on him at school.  

I have IBS-D so I can't relate to not pooping or holding it... I wish I could, lol., I've been really thinking of whether it's foods contributing.  I watched a YouTube video of a medical seminar on constipation and they talked about how it often starts when kids switch to cows milk and I remember that that is really around the time my son started with this.  His pediatrician had us go to 2%.  I'm gonna feel horrible if milk/dairy has been contributing to this.  Allergy testing (skin pricks)  at 4mo said no, as well as blood testing later but... shrug...

He does not drink enough, we have got him to a pretty consistent 20oz minimum on school days.  Normally more like 28oz but I know that's still not enough.  Again, it's one of those things where I keep on him but eventually his fighting wears me down.  He also doesn't eat enough, he is on appetite stimulants currently and that barely makes a dent.  

I'm thinking I should keep a food log for him and then mesh it with the poop calender to see if there's correlation.  Thank you., I appreciate you sharing these stories.  What are you suggesting parents do, exactly?  Let their children potentially die from a perforated colon?  Watch their child suffer every day because they are so constipated all they do is lay there and cry? 

You say ""forced into genitals"" as if parents and doctors are enjoying this or we are choosing this over some other treatment.  Much of any treatment is weighing risk over benefit.  If you google any medication or treatment you find people who have experienced side effects, most not enjoyable.  Miralax has reports of behavioral problems.  Laxatives have reports of stomach pain and potential dependency.  

Chemotherapy has horrible side effects.  So does cancer.  

I don't think any parent here is going, ""Yes, I get to hold my kid down and force an enema tonight!  Awesome!""  Seriously? 

The majority of these stories you shared seem as if abuse was going on outside of enemas/suppositories, as well.  Not just constipation. 

 As a parent, you're faced with these life-altering decisions every day and you're never 100% sure what will happen.  Anything a parent says or does runs the risk of causing trauma.  

If we don't treat our kids constipation, we also run the risk of them having trauma from that.  ""I now need to poop in a bag because my parents didn't help me when I had encropsis."", I googled and an 11 year old boy should get 31 grams of fiber a day. I give my 3 year old fiber gummies becuase she’s on a fruit strike. Even when I added up the regular fruits I’m trying to get her to eat and I was surprised the little amount of fiber in them. Now I give her two gummies it’s half her day of fiber. 

Was there a time when it hurt really bad when he went? That can even bother NT kids but I’m wondering if it has to do with the notion that autistic children aren’t as in tuned with their bodies as usual. Can a therapist or an OT help him build a connection with what his body is feeling? It’s sounds silly but it reminds me of the lack of connection my lower abdominals and pelvic floor have had with my brain making it difficult for me to hold urine or even know that I have to pee until my bladder is super full. Pilates/pelvic floor therapy helps me with this but it has taken me awhile., We use the Mighty Kids liposomal magnesium. We tried the health4all kids magnesium but that’s only magnesium citrate and that was too much, it gave him pretty horrendous diarrhoea but at least he had a good clear out compare to the baseball size and density poops he was having previous. 

The magnesium has had a positive effect on his sleep and reduced night wakings so that definitely is something to be aware of if using melatonin too., Would an allergy test/blood work only show an actual allergy to dairy, or would it also show intolerances to it as well? I don't know enough about them. 

If the allergy and blood testing didn't show anything, please don't feel too bad if it turns out dairy is causing the constipation. We all make decisions based on the information we are armed with at that time, and the information you are armed with (by the allergist/doctors) is that dairy isn't causing it.

Maybe adding some sugar-free flavouring to the water would help him drink more? I didn't drink nearly enough water as a kid but I could down those flavoured water bottles like nothing. Also sometimes drinking more helps me with eating more, and if I eat more then I drink more too, so stimulating one side might help the other. Good luck!, I was just talking to my husband about seeing if we should add private OT because he doesn't seem to have any body connections.  We've been so focused on fighting the school/shower battle that it's hard to maintain energy to do all of it.  

I just calculated his fiber intake with a typical day of eating and it was only like 9 grams!!  That's not even half!  I will be getting fiber gummies for him.  I didn't realize he was that deficit... I thought because he was eating some broccoli with dinner, an apple after school, etc that it wasn't that bad. 

Thank you!, I'm not sure about the testing.  He's due for his yearly in April and I will mention it.  His problem with drinking is just stopping what he's doing to drink it.  Or doing the ""oh, let me just finish the one thing"" and next thing you know it's 3 hours!, I would also look into the sources of fiber as well as soluble vs insoluble. Like oranges have fiber but I thought they were constipating…  Does he do yogurt or oatmeal? Those are good places to sneak in chia seeds and ground flax. We do those naked juices with miralax. They have a good amount of fiber on their own. Do you have a squatty potty or a step stool he can put his feet on to get that good position?, We do have a squatty potty that he will sometimes (but rarely) agree to use.  I tried chia seeds in fruit smoothies but he eventually stopped taking those, too.  No yogurt or oatmeal but I am going to try Activia with him again.  The naked juices may be an option...

I think it's much like anything else and what he will do one week, he hates the next.  Get him in a good mood and he will say things like ""I don't like this that much but I know it will help my poop"" and then the next time throw a huge fit about it., I feel like we have to have so many techniques and tricks to rotate through because these kids get so particular! So many times I have gotten fruit he was super in to and then he immediately stopped being in to it. 
I get the naked juices at Costco, they have small containers that come in 3 flavors so it’s good to have slight variety. They are definitely more like a thicker juice than a smoothie so that works for my son., Wish i could help.  If you find out let me know.  , Can he learn how to self administer an enema? Alternatively, can he take a laxative with magnesium hydroxide when it gets bad? I found it (pedia-lax on amazon) works better than miralax but is harsher on the stomach and I think they say you shouldn't take it every day. Still beats an ER trip.

Any meds that might be making it worse? Guanfacine made it worse for mine for a couple months., Does he take any fiber supplements, my son has also dealt with constipation issues until 2023 when he seemed to have magically grew out of it. No more leaky stool but he does big ones now in the toilet we have to have him take it out and throw it away because it's too big to go down. He does take fiber gummies. He also eats fruit at school he says. Does your son eat any fruit? Have you tried castor oil or prune juice or smooth move tea? 

My son refused to use an enema and take miralax. He also wouldn't take stool softeners either. Says he can't swallow pills., We use milk of magnesia instead of mirlax, it does the same thing but doesn’t take as much.

The pregnancy constipation solution that was given to me by a NP was combining colace 1-3 pills and 15 ml milk of magnesia to combat the slowed intestines of pregnancy.  It worked like a charm.

I think outside of behavioral issues that some of this can be related to low muscle tone.  There’s no real cure mostly just management., We use magnesium supplement to keep my boy going., We did miralax in the water bottle for a year and he was fine. We stopped and he got so bad he was vomiting after eating. We had to do ex lax to clear him out. We're going to resume the miralax. He eats dried and fresh fruit but I guess not enough. 

I do believe that they can't feel it. I had my own struggles after a major surgery and I never had the urge to go at all. I still have to take senna syrup nightly to keep any movement going at all., Just curious, how much water and food does he consume a day? If we don't drink and eat enough consistently, our systems can get out of whack and cause constipation (among other issues). I know it can be hard to keep on top of consuming enough though.

Otherwise, fruits can help stimulate some bowel motility from the seeds in it, and oatmeal has personally been my best ""elimination regulator"" as I find the texture tolerable.

Edit to add: certain foods would also get me very backed up as a kid, like mushroom soup. Lord I can feel the pain from eating mushroom soup as a kid still... I wasn't lactose intolerant though so I don't know why it did that to me... Maybe a certain food he eats is contributing to this?, We use Actilax Mixture 500mL

Active Ingredients: lactulose 

5 mls daily then 10 mild if we constipated 

Found it most helpful and it has sweet edge so kiddo happy to take it 

To help fluid intake - we do crushed iced for her to chew on . Home made icy poles, We found our pediatrician’s advice (Miralax) didn’t go far enough, and caused side effects as you mention, and our pediatric GI’s advice to add ex-lax was the ticket.  

Wishing you and your kid the best., How is the water and fiber intake? I don't see many comments mentioning how important fluid intake is.  The large intestine removes a lot of water., We use this twice a day in water or milk and works like a charm. My kiddo has a very limited diet so the added fiber really helps to keep things moving without a struggle.

[https://oken.do/4ux01l78](https://oken.do/4ux01l78)

https://preview.redd.it/erv1suvpvooc1.jpeg?width=1242&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=fddfce7fc2b8f474c0d0cb228a606aad78b41b7b, My son gets really constipated when he doesn't drink enough water. Probiotic or yogurt helps him stay regular. But I have to keep pushing water, or he won't drink it at all. In school too with his team. They push it too. , The many traumatized by the medications forced into genitals by parents and doctors 

[https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/12ci9lo/feels\_like\_sa\_but\_a\_doctor\_told\_her\_to\_am\_i\_in/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=ios\_app&utm\_name=iossmf](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/12ci9lo/feels_like_sa_but_a_doctor_told_her_to_am_i_in/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf),

[https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/comments/k7q6eo/i\_feel\_like\_i\_dont\_have\_the\_right\_to\_feel/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=ios\_app&utm\_name=iossmf](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/comments/k7q6eo/i_feel_like_i_dont_have_the_right_to_feel/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf),

[https://www.reddit.com/r/adultsurvivors/comments/4a311m/not\_technically\_sexual\_abuse\_but\_i\_may\_have/](https://www.reddit.com/r/adultsurvivors/comments/4a311m/not_technically_sexual_abuse_but_i_may_have/),

[https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/comments/1bb8zat/anyone\_else\_might\_have\_sexual\_problems\_and/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=ios\_app&utm\_name=iossmf](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/comments/1bb8zat/anyone_else_might_have_sexual_problems_and/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf),

[https://www.reddit.com/r/abusiveparents/comments/1asvd5s/my\_mom\_constantly\_used\_invasive\_medical/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=ios\_app&utm\_name=iossmf](https://www.reddit.com/r/abusiveparents/comments/1asvd5s/my_mom_constantly_used_invasive_medical/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)

[https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/comments/17bv6de/i\_feel\_like\_my\_medical\_trauma\_is\_affecting\_me/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=ios\_app&utm\_name=iossmf](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/comments/17bv6de/i_feel_like_my_medical_trauma_is_affecting_me/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)

[https://www.reddit.com/r/adultsurvivors/comments/19ado5a/please\_help\_me\_in\_any\_way\_sexually\_invasive/](https://www.reddit.com/r/adultsurvivors/comments/19ado5a/please_help_me_in_any_way_sexually_invasive/)

[https://www.reddit.com/r/adultsurvivors/comments/18oudyh/not\_sure\_where\_to\_start\_unpacking\_this/](https://www.reddit.com/r/adultsurvivors/comments/18oudyh/not_sure_where_to_start_unpacking_this/)

[https://www.reddit.com/r/adultsurvivors/comments/bcfyhd/i\_just\_need\_to\_get\_thoughts\_off\_my\_chest/](https://www.reddit.com/r/adultsurvivors/comments/bcfyhd/i_just_need_to_get_thoughts_off_my_chest/)

[https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/comments/wes9yj/trigger\_warning\_description\_of\_sexualphysical/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=ios\_app&utm\_name=iossmf](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/comments/wes9yj/trigger_warning_description_of_sexualphysical/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf), I definitely will.  Every doctor has said the same thing.  I'm currently going down a rabbit hole of trying to find a recipe I could hide a shit ton of prunes in... but that he'd also eat., I can work with him to self-administer but not very hopeful that he would do it.  It's really a toss up of whether this is a matter of control or medical at this point.  

He was on guanfacine for a year but we ended up stopping that about 3 weeks ago.  I read last night that melatonin might make it worse, which he is on .5 every night.  But then I also read it could cause diarrhea so..., I didn't know such small bodies could make such massive poops.  It's really crazy.  

He eats apples, broccoli, raisins, clementines/mandarin oranges... he is currently taking the olly kids + fiber but I'm guessing it's pretty minimal.  

We tried prunes and prune juice.  I actually believe I may have the smooth move tea!  I've heard of some people having success using prunes in oatmeal cookies... maybe I can try that with colorful M&M's.  I've also seen mini chocolate covered prunes but they seemed expensive as a ""probably throw it away"".  

Maybe if I said ""DON'T go poop"" he'd do it just to spite me., He calls the milk of magnesia ""forbidden danimals"", lol.  I never thought about this being related to low muscle tone, that makes a lot of sense.  Thank you., Which magnesium supplement do you do?  We tried adding Olly kids chillax with the magnesium in it but it seemed to make him more tired.

We were adding it onto the melatonin so it's possible it was just too much calmness., Miralax for a year!  My son started refusing after a month or so.  It gave him bad gas and I think kids really picked on him at school.  

I have IBS-D so I can't relate to not pooping or holding it... I wish I could, lol., I've been really thinking of whether it's foods contributing.  I watched a YouTube video of a medical seminar on constipation and they talked about how it often starts when kids switch to cows milk and I remember that that is really around the time my son started with this.  His pediatrician had us go to 2%.  I'm gonna feel horrible if milk/dairy has been contributing to this.  Allergy testing (skin pricks)  at 4mo said no, as well as blood testing later but... shrug...

He does not drink enough, we have got him to a pretty consistent 20oz minimum on school days.  Normally more like 28oz but I know that's still not enough.  Again, it's one of those things where I keep on him but eventually his fighting wears me down.  He also doesn't eat enough, he is on appetite stimulants currently and that barely makes a dent.  

I'm thinking I should keep a food log for him and then mesh it with the poop calender to see if there's correlation.  Thank you., I appreciate you sharing these stories.  What are you suggesting parents do, exactly?  Let their children potentially die from a perforated colon?  Watch their child suffer every day because they are so constipated all they do is lay there and cry? 

You say ""forced into genitals"" as if parents and doctors are enjoying this or we are choosing this over some other treatment.  Much of any treatment is weighing risk over benefit.  If you google any medication or treatment you find people who have experienced side effects, most not enjoyable.  Miralax has reports of behavioral problems.  Laxatives have reports of stomach pain and potential dependency.  

Chemotherapy has horrible side effects.  So does cancer.  

I don't think any parent here is going, ""Yes, I get to hold my kid down and force an enema tonight!  Awesome!""  Seriously? 

The majority of these stories you shared seem as if abuse was going on outside of enemas/suppositories, as well.  Not just constipation. 

 As a parent, you're faced with these life-altering decisions every day and you're never 100% sure what will happen.  Anything a parent says or does runs the risk of causing trauma.  

If we don't treat our kids constipation, we also run the risk of them having trauma from that.  ""I now need to poop in a bag because my parents didn't help me when I had encropsis."", I googled and an 11 year old boy should get 31 grams of fiber a day. I give my 3 year old fiber gummies becuase she’s on a fruit strike. Even when I added up the regular fruits I’m trying to get her to eat and I was surprised the little amount of fiber in them. Now I give her two gummies it’s half her day of fiber. 

Was there a time when it hurt really bad when he went? That can even bother NT kids but I’m wondering if it has to do with the notion that autistic children aren’t as in tuned with their bodies as usual. Can a therapist or an OT help him build a connection with what his body is feeling? It’s sounds silly but it reminds me of the lack of connection my lower abdominals and pelvic floor have had with my brain making it difficult for me to hold urine or even know that I have to pee until my bladder is super full. Pilates/pelvic floor therapy helps me with this but it has taken me awhile., We use the Mighty Kids liposomal magnesium. We tried the health4all kids magnesium but that’s only magnesium citrate and that was too much, it gave him pretty horrendous diarrhoea but at least he had a good clear out compare to the baseball size and density poops he was having previous. 

The magnesium has had a positive effect on his sleep and reduced night wakings so that definitely is something to be aware of if using melatonin too., Would an allergy test/blood work only show an actual allergy to dairy, or would it also show intolerances to it as well? I don't know enough about them. 

If the allergy and blood testing didn't show anything, please don't feel too bad if it turns out dairy is causing the constipation. We all make decisions based on the information we are armed with at that time, and the information you are armed with (by the allergist/doctors) is that dairy isn't causing it.

Maybe adding some sugar-free flavouring to the water would help him drink more? I didn't drink nearly enough water as a kid but I could down those flavoured water bottles like nothing. Also sometimes drinking more helps me with eating more, and if I eat more then I drink more too, so stimulating one side might help the other. Good luck!, I was just talking to my husband about seeing if we should add private OT because he doesn't seem to have any body connections.  We've been so focused on fighting the school/shower battle that it's hard to maintain energy to do all of it.  

I just calculated his fiber intake with a typical day of eating and it was only like 9 grams!!  That's not even half!  I will be getting fiber gummies for him.  I didn't realize he was that deficit... I thought because he was eating some broccoli with dinner, an apple after school, etc that it wasn't that bad. 

Thank you!, I'm not sure about the testing.  He's due for his yearly in April and I will mention it.  His problem with drinking is just stopping what he's doing to drink it.  Or doing the ""oh, let me just finish the one thing"" and next thing you know it's 3 hours!, I would also look into the sources of fiber as well as soluble vs insoluble. Like oranges have fiber but I thought they were constipating…  Does he do yogurt or oatmeal? Those are good places to sneak in chia seeds and ground flax. We do those naked juices with miralax. They have a good amount of fiber on their own. Do you have a squatty potty or a step stool he can put his feet on to get that good position?, We do have a squatty potty that he will sometimes (but rarely) agree to use.  I tried chia seeds in fruit smoothies but he eventually stopped taking those, too.  No yogurt or oatmeal but I am going to try Activia with him again.  The naked juices may be an option...

I think it's much like anything else and what he will do one week, he hates the next.  Get him in a good mood and he will say things like ""I don't like this that much but I know it will help my poop"" and then the next time throw a huge fit about it., I feel like we have to have so many techniques and tricks to rotate through because these kids get so particular! So many times I have gotten fruit he was super in to and then he immediately stopped being in to it. 
I get the naked juices at Costco, they have small containers that come in 3 flavors so it’s good to have slight variety. They are definitely more like a thicker juice than a smoothie so that works for my son., Wish i could help.  If you find out let me know.  , Can he learn how to self administer an enema? Alternatively, can he take a laxative with magnesium hydroxide when it gets bad? I found it (pedia-lax on amazon) works better than miralax but is harsher on the stomach and I think they say you shouldn't take it every day. Still beats an ER trip.

Any meds that might be making it worse? Guanfacine made it worse for mine for a couple months., Does he take any fiber supplements, my son has also dealt with constipation issues until 2023 when he seemed to have magically grew out of it. No more leaky stool but he does big ones now in the toilet we have to have him take it out and throw it away because it's too big to go down. He does take fiber gummies. He also eats fruit at school he says. Does your son eat any fruit? Have you tried castor oil or prune juice or smooth move tea? 

My son refused to use an enema and take miralax. He also wouldn't take stool softeners either. Says he can't swallow pills., We use milk of magnesia instead of mirlax, it does the same thing but doesn’t take as much.

The pregnancy constipation solution that was given to me by a NP was combining colace 1-3 pills and 15 ml milk of magnesia to combat the slowed intestines of pregnancy.  It worked like a charm.

I think outside of behavioral issues that some of this can be related to low muscle tone.  There’s no real cure mostly just management., We use magnesium supplement to keep my boy going., We did miralax in the water bottle for a year and he was fine. We stopped and he got so bad he was vomiting after eating. We had to do ex lax to clear him out. We're going to resume the miralax. He eats dried and fresh fruit but I guess not enough. 

I do believe that they can't feel it. I had my own struggles after a major surgery and I never had the urge to go at all. I still have to take senna syrup nightly to keep any movement going at all., Just curious, how much water and food does he consume a day? If we don't drink and eat enough consistently, our systems can get out of whack and cause constipation (among other issues). I know it can be hard to keep on top of consuming enough though.

Otherwise, fruits can help stimulate some bowel motility from the seeds in it, and oatmeal has personally been my best ""elimination regulator"" as I find the texture tolerable.

Edit to add: certain foods would also get me very backed up as a kid, like mushroom soup. Lord I can feel the pain from eating mushroom soup as a kid still... I wasn't lactose intolerant though so I don't know why it did that to me... Maybe a certain food he eats is contributing to this?, We use Actilax Mixture 500mL

Active Ingredients: lactulose 

5 mls daily then 10 mild if we constipated 

Found it most helpful and it has sweet edge so kiddo happy to take it 

To help fluid intake - we do crushed iced for her to chew on . Home made icy poles, We found our pediatrician’s advice (Miralax) didn’t go far enough, and caused side effects as you mention, and our pediatric GI’s advice to add ex-lax was the ticket.  

Wishing you and your kid the best., How is the water and fiber intake? I don't see many comments mentioning how important fluid intake is.  The large intestine removes a lot of water., We use this twice a day in water or milk and works like a charm. My kiddo has a very limited diet so the added fiber really helps to keep things moving without a struggle.

[https://oken.do/4ux01l78](https://oken.do/4ux01l78)

https://preview.redd.it/erv1suvpvooc1.jpeg?width=1242&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=fddfce7fc2b8f474c0d0cb228a606aad78b41b7b, My son gets really constipated when he doesn't drink enough water. Probiotic or yogurt helps him stay regular. But I have to keep pushing water, or he won't drink it at all. In school too with his team. They push it too. , The many traumatized by the medications forced into genitals by parents and doctors 

[https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/12ci9lo/feels\_like\_sa\_but\_a\_doctor\_told\_her\_to\_am\_i\_in/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=ios\_app&utm\_name=iossmf](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/12ci9lo/feels_like_sa_but_a_doctor_told_her_to_am_i_in/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf),

[https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/comments/k7q6eo/i\_feel\_like\_i\_dont\_have\_the\_right\_to\_feel/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=ios\_app&utm\_name=iossmf](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/comments/k7q6eo/i_feel_like_i_dont_have_the_right_to_feel/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf),

[https://www.reddit.com/r/adultsurvivors/comments/4a311m/not\_technically\_sexual\_abuse\_but\_i\_may\_have/](https://www.reddit.com/r/adultsurvivors/comments/4a311m/not_technically_sexual_abuse_but_i_may_have/),

[https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/comments/1bb8zat/anyone\_else\_might\_have\_sexual\_problems\_and/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=ios\_app&utm\_name=iossmf](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/comments/1bb8zat/anyone_else_might_have_sexual_problems_and/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf),

[https://www.reddit.com/r/abusiveparents/comments/1asvd5s/my\_mom\_constantly\_used\_invasive\_medical/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=ios\_app&utm\_name=iossmf](https://www.reddit.com/r/abusiveparents/comments/1asvd5s/my_mom_constantly_used_invasive_medical/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)

[https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/comments/17bv6de/i\_feel\_like\_my\_medical\_trauma\_is\_affecting\_me/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=ios\_app&utm\_name=iossmf](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/comments/17bv6de/i_feel_like_my_medical_trauma_is_affecting_me/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)

[https://www.reddit.com/r/adultsurvivors/comments/19ado5a/please\_help\_me\_in\_any\_way\_sexually\_invasive/](https://www.reddit.com/r/adultsurvivors/comments/19ado5a/please_help_me_in_any_way_sexually_invasive/)

[https://www.reddit.com/r/adultsurvivors/comments/18oudyh/not\_sure\_where\_to\_start\_unpacking\_this/](https://www.reddit.com/r/adultsurvivors/comments/18oudyh/not_sure_where_to_start_unpacking_this/)

[https://www.reddit.com/r/adultsurvivors/comments/bcfyhd/i\_just\_need\_to\_get\_thoughts\_off\_my\_chest/](https://www.reddit.com/r/adultsurvivors/comments/bcfyhd/i_just_need_to_get_thoughts_off_my_chest/)

[https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/comments/wes9yj/trigger\_warning\_description\_of\_sexualphysical/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=ios\_app&utm\_name=iossmf](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/comments/wes9yj/trigger_warning_description_of_sexualphysical/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf), I definitely will.  Every doctor has said the same thing.  I'm currently going down a rabbit hole of trying to find a recipe I could hide a shit ton of prunes in... but that he'd also eat., I can work with him to self-administer but not very hopeful that he would do it.  It's really a toss up of whether this is a matter of control or medical at this point.  

He was on guanfacine for a year but we ended up stopping that about 3 weeks ago.  I read last night that melatonin might make it worse, which he is on .5 every night.  But then I also read it could cause diarrhea so..., I didn't know such small bodies could make such massive poops.  It's really crazy.  

He eats apples, broccoli, raisins, clementines/mandarin oranges... he is currently taking the olly kids + fiber but I'm guessing it's pretty minimal.  

We tried prunes and prune juice.  I actually believe I may have the smooth move tea!  I've heard of some people having success using prunes in oatmeal cookies... maybe I can try that with colorful M&M's.  I've also seen mini chocolate covered prunes but they seemed expensive as a ""probably throw it away"".  

Maybe if I said ""DON'T go poop"" he'd do it just to spite me., He calls the milk of magnesia ""forbidden danimals"", lol.  I never thought about this being related to low muscle tone, that makes a lot of sense.  Thank you., Which magnesium supplement do you do?  We tried adding Olly kids chillax with the magnesium in it but it seemed to make him more tired.

We were adding it onto the melatonin so it's possible it was just too much calmness., Miralax for a year!  My son started refusing after a month or so.  It gave him bad gas and I think kids really picked on him at school.  

I have IBS-D so I can't relate to not pooping or holding it... I wish I could, lol., I've been really thinking of whether it's foods contributing.  I watched a YouTube video of a medical seminar on constipation and they talked about how it often starts when kids switch to cows milk and I remember that that is really around the time my son started with this.  His pediatrician had us go to 2%.  I'm gonna feel horrible if milk/dairy has been contributing to this.  Allergy testing (skin pricks)  at 4mo said no, as well as blood testing later but... shrug...

He does not drink enough, we have got him to a pretty consistent 20oz minimum on school days.  Normally more like 28oz but I know that's still not enough.  Again, it's one of those things where I keep on him but eventually his fighting wears me down.  He also doesn't eat enough, he is on appetite stimulants currently and that barely makes a dent.  

I'm thinking I should keep a food log for him and then mesh it with the poop calender to see if there's correlation.  Thank you., I appreciate you sharing these stories.  What are you suggesting parents do, exactly?  Let their children potentially die from a perforated colon?  Watch their child suffer every day because they are so constipated all they do is lay there and cry? 

You say ""forced into genitals"" as if parents and doctors are enjoying this or we are choosing this over some other treatment.  Much of any treatment is weighing risk over benefit.  If you google any medication or treatment you find people who have experienced side effects, most not enjoyable.  Miralax has reports of behavioral problems.  Laxatives have reports of stomach pain and potential dependency.  

Chemotherapy has horrible side effects.  So does cancer.  

I don't think any parent here is going, ""Yes, I get to hold my kid down and force an enema tonight!  Awesome!""  Seriously? 

The majority of these stories you shared seem as if abuse was going on outside of enemas/suppositories, as well.  Not just constipation. 

 As a parent, you're faced with these life-altering decisions every day and you're never 100% sure what will happen.  Anything a parent says or does runs the risk of causing trauma.  

If we don't treat our kids constipation, we also run the risk of them having trauma from that.  ""I now need to poop in a bag because my parents didn't help me when I had encropsis."", I googled and an 11 year old boy should get 31 grams of fiber a day. I give my 3 year old fiber gummies becuase she’s on a fruit strike. Even when I added up the regular fruits I’m trying to get her to eat and I was surprised the little amount of fiber in them. Now I give her two gummies it’s half her day of fiber. 

Was there a time when it hurt really bad when he went? That can even bother NT kids but I’m wondering if it has to do with the notion that autistic children aren’t as in tuned with their bodies as usual. Can a therapist or an OT help him build a connection with what his body is feeling? It’s sounds silly but it reminds me of the lack of connection my lower abdominals and pelvic floor have had with my brain making it difficult for me to hold urine or even know that I have to pee until my bladder is super full. Pilates/pelvic floor therapy helps me with this but it has taken me awhile., We use the Mighty Kids liposomal magnesium. We tried the health4all kids magnesium but that’s only magnesium citrate and that was too much, it gave him pretty horrendous diarrhoea but at least he had a good clear out compare to the baseball size and density poops he was having previous. 

The magnesium has had a positive effect on his sleep and reduced night wakings so that definitely is something to be aware of if using melatonin too., Would an allergy test/blood work only show an actual allergy to dairy, or would it also show intolerances to it as well? I don't know enough about them. 

If the allergy and blood testing didn't show anything, please don't feel too bad if it turns out dairy is causing the constipation. We all make decisions based on the information we are armed with at that time, and the information you are armed with (by the allergist/doctors) is that dairy isn't causing it.

Maybe adding some sugar-free flavouring to the water would help him drink more? I didn't drink nearly enough water as a kid but I could down those flavoured water bottles like nothing. Also sometimes drinking more helps me with eating more, and if I eat more then I drink more too, so stimulating one side might help the other. Good luck!, I was just talking to my husband about seeing if we should add private OT because he doesn't seem to have any body connections.  We've been so focused on fighting the school/shower battle that it's hard to maintain energy to do all of it.  

I just calculated his fiber intake with a typical day of eating and it was only like 9 grams!!  That's not even half!  I will be getting fiber gummies for him.  I didn't realize he was that deficit... I thought because he was eating some broccoli with dinner, an apple after school, etc that it wasn't that bad. 

Thank you!, I'm not sure about the testing.  He's due for his yearly in April and I will mention it.  His problem with drinking is just stopping what he's doing to drink it.  Or doing the ""oh, let me just finish the one thing"" and next thing you know it's 3 hours!, I would also look into the sources of fiber as well as soluble vs insoluble. Like oranges have fiber but I thought they were constipating…  Does he do yogurt or oatmeal? Those are good places to sneak in chia seeds and ground flax. We do those naked juices with miralax. They have a good amount of fiber on their own. Do you have a squatty potty or a step stool he can put his feet on to get that good position?, We do have a squatty potty that he will sometimes (but rarely) agree to use.  I tried chia seeds in fruit smoothies but he eventually stopped taking those, too.  No yogurt or oatmeal but I am going to try Activia with him again.  The naked juices may be an option...

I think it's much like anything else and what he will do one week, he hates the next.  Get him in a good mood and he will say things like ""I don't like this that much but I know it will help my poop"" and then the next time throw a huge fit about it., I feel like we have to have so many techniques and tricks to rotate through because these kids get so particular! So many times I have gotten fruit he was super in to and then he immediately stopped being in to it. 
I get the naked juices at Costco, they have small containers that come in 3 flavors so it’s good to have slight variety. They are definitely more like a thicker juice than a smoothie so that works for my son.",Treatment,Physical Health
"My 3.5yo is non verbal. In the last 2 months he has had 3 ear infections, walking pneumonia, the flu, an upper respiratory infection, a chest infection, and a few other viruses. 

Him not being able to tell me what hurts is so hard. He just keeps getting sick and I’m in a panic every time. I have pretty bad anxiety anyways. 

I’ve taken him to the er 3 times over the last 6 or 7 months. 2x it was because I thought he swallowed something harmful (he had popped open a toy with button batteries and was chewing on it), the other time, he was playing with a toy and I noticed something in his mouth, it was a screw from the toy. I counted how many were missing and after searching everywhere a screw was still missing so I took him in. 

This time, he woke up screaming and had a 104.1 fever. I thought 104 was an emergency but turns out it’s not. The doctor seemed annoyed and made me feel like an idiot. They asked if I had tried Tylenol and I hadn’t because I just panicked and brought him in, I thought maybe his pneumonia was back.

My friend said repeatedly taking him to the ER and calling poison control could mean a CPS visit so now I’m paranoid about that. This just really sucks and I’m trying my best. There are no pediatric urgent cares here and his dr office was closed so I did what I thought I was supposed to do.

Update: he has the flu again, 2 weeks apart. Preschool is kicking this little guys butt and I’m trying to keep my health anxiety in check. ","Hey, I've been looking through your post history. Asked with love and support: do you have an option to get yourself some counseling? You seem very overwhelmed and hyperfocused on him getting sick. Momma's know best, so I'm not judging. But we all need to take care of ourselves, too.

You've posted this before on this sub and others and have seen the doctors. What kind of answer are you looking for? 

A LO starting preschool is going to get sick. Alot. It's super annoying and even worse for our NV friends who can't accurately tell you things. When mine stated preschool, I think he had colds, the flu, pink eye, HF&M, and everything else for weeks and weeks. 

You could do ear tubes, get the tonsils out, and all those other preventative measures if you wanted, I guess. But right now, I'm more concerned about you, I completely understand the anxiety of having a sick nonspeaking child. My daughter has several chronic conditions that end up requiring hospitalization once or twice a year — she’s 8 now, and things have gotten easier as she’s gotten older because she knows how to ask for medicine on her AAC device, and in general we are more seasoned at reading her body language/cues. 

I wouldn’t worry about CPS being called on you for the ER visits or calling poison control. Seeking medical care, especially for a nonspeaking autistic kid, is the opposite of neglect/abuse. We take our daughter to the children’s hospital ER about 4-6 times a year on average, and CPS has never been called on us. 

That doctor was also a jerk - I would definitely take my child in for a 104+ degree fever. They just don’t get it., OP, have you discussed with an ENT about removing adenoids and tonsils? My son had his out at 3.5, but before that, he was constantly sick. I think we had a 9-month period where he had a runny and/or stuffy nose, weekly fevers often reaching 104, 6 ear infections, etc. Since the surgery, he’s had 2 colds - that’s it! In 6 months! Nothing else changed in terms of his activities and exposure., I say this as someone who has been there - getting your own head on straight (medication/therapy) will greatly improve your ability to care for your child., I take my son to the doctor every time he has a fever that lasts for 2 days because it's almost always an ear infection. I also take him every time it's over 103° because he's had a febrile seizure. His doctor understands and says I can bring him anytime I feel something is off because my son can't tell me. Maybe think about finding a doctor who would be willing to support your different needs since you have a non verbal child. I'm not saying rush him for every sniffle, but yeah, when he can't tell you what's wrong, but you know something is wrong, I don't see a problem with seeing a doctor., You are not over reacting at all. That's a lot of illness for 2 months for anyone and a lot worse for a non verbal kiddo. I'm sorry the ER doctor was such an ass., I deal with health anxiety and sometimes I get anxious around my kids getting sick. My health anxiety is rather mild in frequency but moderate to severe in presentation. Because of past treatments of other disorders. Including GAD. I am able to keep it relatively under control. 

What I do is I ask questions. The best advice I ever got was. When I go in because I am concerned about XYZ. I simply ask the Dr. Why do you think this is not XYZ. That way I know if ABC symptoms happen again. I can calm my nerves about XYZ. 

Urgent care is also a lot cheaper than the ER. Unless it is something they direct you to the ER for I go to Urgent care. Get to know what urgent care can and cannot treat. There is no shame in spending some cash in urgent care just to get reassurance. It is better safe than sorry., Thank you. I am seeing a therapist and my primary doctor and a psychiatrist. I agree that I’m hyper focused on him getting sick, and not handling it well. 

I think it’s stemming from when this all started in November. He had a cough off and on for 2 weeks. He’d just had a virus and the doctor said he was all good, so I didn’t worry about it and sent him to school and just assumed the coughing and him randomly crying was a cold. Then his teachers pointed out he wasn’t acting like himself and I had noticed too but assumed it was my anxiety. I took him to the doctor again after that comment from his teacher and he had walking pneumonia. It was pretty bad and we had to go in for a follow up X-ray, 2 rounds of strong antibiotics, and do breathing treatments for weeks. I feel if I had been more vigilant and noticed he was really sick earlier, instead of assuming he was just tantruming, it wouldn’t have turned into walking pneumonia. So I feel like I failed him and he got really sick because I didn’t pay attention to what he was trying to show me., That sounds amazing. Yes we have an appt with an ent in about 6 weeks. His ped is hesitant to suggest surgery of any kind though., I agree. I’m seeing a therapist and psychiatrist who are treating my anxiety. I’m just having a really hard time with the constant sickness and feeling like what if something is really hurting him and he can’t tell me. :(, Ah. That's completely logical; you didn't catch something ""quick enough,"" and now you're so on top of the ball that your calves hurt 😄 We're all humans just trying our best. 
I have no advice that I'm sure a therapist can't help better. Just know you're not alone and that you probably need a bit of respite care and go to a spa for a few hours. We all do, To be completely honest, it was a very traumatic experience and I hope he never needs surgery as a child again. He is a GLP and verbal, but not conversational, so there was no way to help him really understand what was happening, why he needed surgery, why he needed medicine, what the follow-up appointments were, etc. It was deeply painful to walk through with him, and I can’t even imagine what he went through. 
That said, it was worse to see him so sick for the better part of a year. He would wake up shivering and soaked in sweat, wouldn’t take medicine (or if he did, he’d throw it up), anxious about dehydration, knowing he was hurting, but not knowing exactly where or how to help.. you know what I mean. 

We’re still dealing with the medical trauma and feeding issues. But going to a trauma-informed OT for the past few months has already made a world of difference! He’s doing really well and made significant progress. We recently had a routine checkup at the pediatrician’s and he did beautifully! Was interested in the exam, happy to participate.. I almost cried. Same situation at the dentist, which we would never have hoped for previously. 

All that to say, it was horrible and I am so sorry he had to go through surgery and recovery. Still, the positives outweighed the cost and I’m so thankful it was done. We’re definitely on the upside here!

Also should add, we originally planned on ear tubes due to the recurrent infections. After speaking with the ENT, we decided on tonsils and adenoids, in addition to tubes. I needed tubes and a tonsillectomy in childhood, so we think the issues were likely hereditary. He resembles me the most, oddly enough, and our children who look more like my husband haven’t had so much as an ear infection. Go figure!, Yes, definitely over compensating for missing the walking pneumonia. But, his doctor also agreed when I brought him in for the most recent illness and it was another ear infection and virus, that this was quite excessive and recommended bloodwork to check his immunity and blood count. So I’m in this weird in between area of “am I missing something or is it just another common illness and not part of a bigger picture?”, I figured I’d update you since you were so helpful. He maintained a 101.5 fever even with Tylenol, around 104 if we’re late on the dose. He tested positive for type b flu again, 2 weeks apart. So, we just seem to have really bad luck with viruses this year. But, his ears look great!, I needed tubes as well as tonsils and adenoids removed as a kid as well, so that would make sense!

I’m so glad he’s doing better now, thank you for sharing the experience., I’m sorry he’s feeling so bad! Glad to hear his ears look great, but those fevers are so worrying. Sounds a lot like what my kiddo went through last year. I wish you both health and strength as his immune system builds up",Support,Health & Medical
"We suspected but finally confirmed our diagnosed level 3 autistic child (nearly 4) is able to acquire language but through gestalt language processing. I’ve changed up how I speak to him in the last two weeks, and maybe it is all in my head but my husband also made a comment, we are having less meltdowns and he seems to be talking more. He is making sentences I haven’t heard from him (I’m sure he picked them up somewhere). 
Now, I know we were told he is level 3 but I feel the assessment is just ridiculous. Take any toddler and put them in an unknown space with strangers and expect them to perform “normally”. Is he autistic? Yes. But I think it’s a bit strange to diagnose a 3 year old with such a severity. 

Anyone have autistic / gestalt language processors living independently? 


I ask because I have cancer, my husband just had emergency surgery, and I’m getting hit in the face that my son will not have anyone once we are dead. He has a sister but I don’t want her to feel obligated to help- I will do something so he is not a (lack of a better word) “burden” for her if it comes to it. I don’t want her to build resentment towards him. ","I am so sorry for what you’re going through. The truth is that the future trajectory for any kid, autistic or not, is not easy to predict. 

You really don’t have to use the level for anything, so just put that assessment in a drawer and take your kid on their own terms. It sounds like you’re doing exactly that by working to understand how he communicates. I wish you all the best., That’s terrific news that your son is starting to talk and a really great sign. The doctor that diagnosed my child told us before the age of 8 it is very difficult to (correctly) predict outcomes. I see that already in that my child is very different at age 4 than he was at age 3. Now we’re trying to think about what school he will go to in a year and a half and we just have no idea where he’ll be! 

From my layperson/parent perspective, I think some of the level diagnose is not helpful at all - because symptoms and circumstances change so much. Parents come here and describe really terrible problems prefaced with „my level 1 child.“ And I think to myself that is not a level 1 problem, these parents are not being realistic about the functional level of their kid. Same thing with Level 3 - which some doctors only diagnose in order to increase services provided by the state or by private insurance. A child diagnosed as level three may be just fine in a regular classroom within years. 
Tl;dr Don’t read much into the levels. 

I can’t imagine how hard it is for you and your husband right now - not only with your son‘s circumstances, but with your illnesses on top of it. Cancer is particularly cruel - where it always feels as if you’re waiting for the next shoe to drop and the anxiety over the next test or scan. I hope things start picking up healthwise for you and your husband. The fact that your son has started to speak and communicate is a huge  positive and reason for celebration in the midst of other bad news!, My son is still young but he is a gestalt processor and went from all echolalia to like 95% spontaneous speech in two years (age 4-6) with going to school and speech therapy. Gestalts evolve into more complex and spontaneous speech over time., A LOT can change in those early years. Don't give up hope, ey?, My son is also a GLP and a year older than yours. Last year around this time his speech was limited to (mostly) functional scripts to get his needs met or as stims. He would rarely initiate speech or answer questions directly. He just walked out the door with his grandma and (unprompted) said bye to me in two different languages.

A lot can change very fast and it's too soon to predict outcomes. The levels are primarily there to authorize the maximum amount of services and I wouldn't assign them too much weight., My son is a GLP (he's about 4.5yo). He didn't talk at all until he was 3 and we thought he might always be non-verbal. His scripts have picked up and evolved, and just the other day I heard maybe his first spontaneous sentence! ( He called to his sister ""Look Sister! It's a cow!"" When we drove by some cows haha). He was also diagnosed as 'severely' autistic as a toddler, but that was mainly because he was melting down through the entire Dr appointment. 

Obviously I can't see the future, but the way he is progressing I am very confident he will be able to be independent eventually. It's hard because every child is so different,  but just because your child is a GLP doesn't mean they can't be independent., I’m not autistic (at least I’ve made it well into adulthood without being diagnosed) but learning about GLPs with my son was a true lightbulb moment for me as this is how I acquired and acquire language and information.  I’m independent and work in a professional field.  , Definitely this. Levels change over time as well. Once a kid finds the right supports and starts to grow as a result they may need less support aka their level goes down. 

I am sorry to hear about yours and your husband’s health. I think about my wife and son since I am a cancer survivor (testicular). My father recently passed from a different form of cancer so I worry sometimes about genetics even though I am very healthy and athletic. I know you don’t want to burden your daughter but she may have to take on responsibilities she didn’t ask for due to circumstances. As for what you can do for your son, look into special needs trusts, SSI for when he turns 18, any benefits that he would qualify for as a parachute for if you pass and he isn’t able to support himself. Try and save money for retirement that can be passed onto him as inheritance. Retirement planning via a 401k, Roth/Traditional IRA, or whatever can kill two birds with one stone. Not sure if you can get life insurance since you do have a diagnosis, but you may want to look into it. 

Most important of all be in the moment for your kids. It can be overwhelming thinking of the future but the best thing you give to your kids’ future is to be a great parent to them in the present., Thank you, I totally agree. I've seen so many people lead in with ""level 1"", ""mild"", or ""high functioning"", and then essentially describe someone for whom speech is a bit of a red herring, where they talk fluently, but otherwise can't really function or are in some kind of huge crisis. I'd also say TikTok is pretty riddled with parents of nonspeaking level 3 offspring who demonstrate much better ability and tolerance than my diagnosed level 1 child when it comes to cleaning and organization of living space, as well as, in a lot of instances, overall visual processing., Thank you! Really informative. 
We are thinking of home schooling for a bit (I’m a teacher) but hope to integrate him into school around 8 and hopefully living elsewhere :) 

Good luck with finding the right school- such a difficult choice., Thank you! I’m an ESL teacher (I teach English as a second language) so I’m hoping that can help him, too. I’m knee deep in research and only a few fingers deep in implementation. I’m hoping I can open many doors for my kiddo in this regard., There’s no giving up but I feel the need to hear some inspiration., Thank you. It was a thought in my head since we live in a place of limited resources when it comes to special needs care. 

We are waiting to introduce my husband’s language until my son is 5. We wanted our kids to be able to tell us about stuff in one language before another (for safety and personal care), Thank you. He has a NT sister, so I’m hoping she’ll help with language development. She’s a year younger., Thank you! I have a feeling I was the same as a child., I started my life insurance policy while pregnant with my daughter and before my cancer diagnoses. I own my own business and can’t justify doing retirement but my husband does contribute greatly to his. Thank you., One Instagram I followed was bohospeechie. Excellent info and resources for gestalt processors and their parents., Check out meaningfulspeech and Mrs. Speechie P also, Well .. for what it's worth, ours went from not speaking at 3+daily transitional meltdowns, to conversational and thriving at school at 6. He verbally stims to nth degree when he is home,but I would rather have that than him not talking., That's great! Most people aren't on top of that. From your description it seems like your son may not need as much support as his level indicates. It's hard to know what the future holds, but you seem to be doing a terrific job raising him., Thank you!, Thank you, He has other issues. Potty training has been terrible, really sensory seeking, and his meltdowns can be difficult. We feel that if we can communicate, things will be easier. I have a Dutch husband so he is on top of insurance and such, it was a little strange when he randomly got life insurance on me while I was pregnant 😅, I am so sorry for what you’re going through. The truth is that the future trajectory for any kid, autistic or not, is not easy to predict. 

You really don’t have to use the level for anything, so just put that assessment in a drawer and take your kid on their own terms. It sounds like you’re doing exactly that by working to understand how he communicates. I wish you all the best., That’s terrific news that your son is starting to talk and a really great sign. The doctor that diagnosed my child told us before the age of 8 it is very difficult to (correctly) predict outcomes. I see that already in that my child is very different at age 4 than he was at age 3. Now we’re trying to think about what school he will go to in a year and a half and we just have no idea where he’ll be! 

From my layperson/parent perspective, I think some of the level diagnose is not helpful at all - because symptoms and circumstances change so much. Parents come here and describe really terrible problems prefaced with „my level 1 child.“ And I think to myself that is not a level 1 problem, these parents are not being realistic about the functional level of their kid. Same thing with Level 3 - which some doctors only diagnose in order to increase services provided by the state or by private insurance. A child diagnosed as level three may be just fine in a regular classroom within years. 
Tl;dr Don’t read much into the levels. 

I can’t imagine how hard it is for you and your husband right now - not only with your son‘s circumstances, but with your illnesses on top of it. Cancer is particularly cruel - where it always feels as if you’re waiting for the next shoe to drop and the anxiety over the next test or scan. I hope things start picking up healthwise for you and your husband. The fact that your son has started to speak and communicate is a huge  positive and reason for celebration in the midst of other bad news!, My son is still young but he is a gestalt processor and went from all echolalia to like 95% spontaneous speech in two years (age 4-6) with going to school and speech therapy. Gestalts evolve into more complex and spontaneous speech over time., A LOT can change in those early years. Don't give up hope, ey?, My son is also a GLP and a year older than yours. Last year around this time his speech was limited to (mostly) functional scripts to get his needs met or as stims. He would rarely initiate speech or answer questions directly. He just walked out the door with his grandma and (unprompted) said bye to me in two different languages.

A lot can change very fast and it's too soon to predict outcomes. The levels are primarily there to authorize the maximum amount of services and I wouldn't assign them too much weight., My son is a GLP (he's about 4.5yo). He didn't talk at all until he was 3 and we thought he might always be non-verbal. His scripts have picked up and evolved, and just the other day I heard maybe his first spontaneous sentence! ( He called to his sister ""Look Sister! It's a cow!"" When we drove by some cows haha). He was also diagnosed as 'severely' autistic as a toddler, but that was mainly because he was melting down through the entire Dr appointment. 

Obviously I can't see the future, but the way he is progressing I am very confident he will be able to be independent eventually. It's hard because every child is so different,  but just because your child is a GLP doesn't mean they can't be independent., I’m not autistic (at least I’ve made it well into adulthood without being diagnosed) but learning about GLPs with my son was a true lightbulb moment for me as this is how I acquired and acquire language and information.  I’m independent and work in a professional field.  , Definitely this. Levels change over time as well. Once a kid finds the right supports and starts to grow as a result they may need less support aka their level goes down. 

I am sorry to hear about yours and your husband’s health. I think about my wife and son since I am a cancer survivor (testicular). My father recently passed from a different form of cancer so I worry sometimes about genetics even though I am very healthy and athletic. I know you don’t want to burden your daughter but she may have to take on responsibilities she didn’t ask for due to circumstances. As for what you can do for your son, look into special needs trusts, SSI for when he turns 18, any benefits that he would qualify for as a parachute for if you pass and he isn’t able to support himself. Try and save money for retirement that can be passed onto him as inheritance. Retirement planning via a 401k, Roth/Traditional IRA, or whatever can kill two birds with one stone. Not sure if you can get life insurance since you do have a diagnosis, but you may want to look into it. 

Most important of all be in the moment for your kids. It can be overwhelming thinking of the future but the best thing you give to your kids’ future is to be a great parent to them in the present., Thank you, I totally agree. I've seen so many people lead in with ""level 1"", ""mild"", or ""high functioning"", and then essentially describe someone for whom speech is a bit of a red herring, where they talk fluently, but otherwise can't really function or are in some kind of huge crisis. I'd also say TikTok is pretty riddled with parents of nonspeaking level 3 offspring who demonstrate much better ability and tolerance than my diagnosed level 1 child when it comes to cleaning and organization of living space, as well as, in a lot of instances, overall visual processing., Thank you! Really informative. 
We are thinking of home schooling for a bit (I’m a teacher) but hope to integrate him into school around 8 and hopefully living elsewhere :) 

Good luck with finding the right school- such a difficult choice., Thank you! I’m an ESL teacher (I teach English as a second language) so I’m hoping that can help him, too. I’m knee deep in research and only a few fingers deep in implementation. I’m hoping I can open many doors for my kiddo in this regard., There’s no giving up but I feel the need to hear some inspiration., Thank you. It was a thought in my head since we live in a place of limited resources when it comes to special needs care. 

We are waiting to introduce my husband’s language until my son is 5. We wanted our kids to be able to tell us about stuff in one language before another (for safety and personal care), Thank you. He has a NT sister, so I’m hoping she’ll help with language development. She’s a year younger., Thank you! I have a feeling I was the same as a child., I started my life insurance policy while pregnant with my daughter and before my cancer diagnoses. I own my own business and can’t justify doing retirement but my husband does contribute greatly to his. Thank you., One Instagram I followed was bohospeechie. Excellent info and resources for gestalt processors and their parents., Check out meaningfulspeech and Mrs. Speechie P also, Well .. for what it's worth, ours went from not speaking at 3+daily transitional meltdowns, to conversational and thriving at school at 6. He verbally stims to nth degree when he is home,but I would rather have that than him not talking., That's great! Most people aren't on top of that. From your description it seems like your son may not need as much support as his level indicates. It's hard to know what the future holds, but you seem to be doing a terrific job raising him., Thank you!, Thank you, He has other issues. Potty training has been terrible, really sensory seeking, and his meltdowns can be difficult. We feel that if we can communicate, things will be easier. I have a Dutch husband so he is on top of insurance and such, it was a little strange when he randomly got life insurance on me while I was pregnant 😅, I am so sorry for what you’re going through. The truth is that the future trajectory for any kid, autistic or not, is not easy to predict. 

You really don’t have to use the level for anything, so just put that assessment in a drawer and take your kid on their own terms. It sounds like you’re doing exactly that by working to understand how he communicates. I wish you all the best., That’s terrific news that your son is starting to talk and a really great sign. The doctor that diagnosed my child told us before the age of 8 it is very difficult to (correctly) predict outcomes. I see that already in that my child is very different at age 4 than he was at age 3. Now we’re trying to think about what school he will go to in a year and a half and we just have no idea where he’ll be! 

From my layperson/parent perspective, I think some of the level diagnose is not helpful at all - because symptoms and circumstances change so much. Parents come here and describe really terrible problems prefaced with „my level 1 child.“ And I think to myself that is not a level 1 problem, these parents are not being realistic about the functional level of their kid. Same thing with Level 3 - which some doctors only diagnose in order to increase services provided by the state or by private insurance. A child diagnosed as level three may be just fine in a regular classroom within years. 
Tl;dr Don’t read much into the levels. 

I can’t imagine how hard it is for you and your husband right now - not only with your son‘s circumstances, but with your illnesses on top of it. Cancer is particularly cruel - where it always feels as if you’re waiting for the next shoe to drop and the anxiety over the next test or scan. I hope things start picking up healthwise for you and your husband. The fact that your son has started to speak and communicate is a huge  positive and reason for celebration in the midst of other bad news!, My son is still young but he is a gestalt processor and went from all echolalia to like 95% spontaneous speech in two years (age 4-6) with going to school and speech therapy. Gestalts evolve into more complex and spontaneous speech over time., A LOT can change in those early years. Don't give up hope, ey?, My son is also a GLP and a year older than yours. Last year around this time his speech was limited to (mostly) functional scripts to get his needs met or as stims. He would rarely initiate speech or answer questions directly. He just walked out the door with his grandma and (unprompted) said bye to me in two different languages.

A lot can change very fast and it's too soon to predict outcomes. The levels are primarily there to authorize the maximum amount of services and I wouldn't assign them too much weight., My son is a GLP (he's about 4.5yo). He didn't talk at all until he was 3 and we thought he might always be non-verbal. His scripts have picked up and evolved, and just the other day I heard maybe his first spontaneous sentence! ( He called to his sister ""Look Sister! It's a cow!"" When we drove by some cows haha). He was also diagnosed as 'severely' autistic as a toddler, but that was mainly because he was melting down through the entire Dr appointment. 

Obviously I can't see the future, but the way he is progressing I am very confident he will be able to be independent eventually. It's hard because every child is so different,  but just because your child is a GLP doesn't mean they can't be independent., I’m not autistic (at least I’ve made it well into adulthood without being diagnosed) but learning about GLPs with my son was a true lightbulb moment for me as this is how I acquired and acquire language and information.  I’m independent and work in a professional field.  , Definitely this. Levels change over time as well. Once a kid finds the right supports and starts to grow as a result they may need less support aka their level goes down. 

I am sorry to hear about yours and your husband’s health. I think about my wife and son since I am a cancer survivor (testicular). My father recently passed from a different form of cancer so I worry sometimes about genetics even though I am very healthy and athletic. I know you don’t want to burden your daughter but she may have to take on responsibilities she didn’t ask for due to circumstances. As for what you can do for your son, look into special needs trusts, SSI for when he turns 18, any benefits that he would qualify for as a parachute for if you pass and he isn’t able to support himself. Try and save money for retirement that can be passed onto him as inheritance. Retirement planning via a 401k, Roth/Traditional IRA, or whatever can kill two birds with one stone. Not sure if you can get life insurance since you do have a diagnosis, but you may want to look into it. 

Most important of all be in the moment for your kids. It can be overwhelming thinking of the future but the best thing you give to your kids’ future is to be a great parent to them in the present., Thank you, I totally agree. I've seen so many people lead in with ""level 1"", ""mild"", or ""high functioning"", and then essentially describe someone for whom speech is a bit of a red herring, where they talk fluently, but otherwise can't really function or are in some kind of huge crisis. I'd also say TikTok is pretty riddled with parents of nonspeaking level 3 offspring who demonstrate much better ability and tolerance than my diagnosed level 1 child when it comes to cleaning and organization of living space, as well as, in a lot of instances, overall visual processing., Thank you! Really informative. 
We are thinking of home schooling for a bit (I’m a teacher) but hope to integrate him into school around 8 and hopefully living elsewhere :) 

Good luck with finding the right school- such a difficult choice., Thank you! I’m an ESL teacher (I teach English as a second language) so I’m hoping that can help him, too. I’m knee deep in research and only a few fingers deep in implementation. I’m hoping I can open many doors for my kiddo in this regard., There’s no giving up but I feel the need to hear some inspiration., Thank you. It was a thought in my head since we live in a place of limited resources when it comes to special needs care. 

We are waiting to introduce my husband’s language until my son is 5. We wanted our kids to be able to tell us about stuff in one language before another (for safety and personal care), Thank you. He has a NT sister, so I’m hoping she’ll help with language development. She’s a year younger., Thank you! I have a feeling I was the same as a child., I started my life insurance policy while pregnant with my daughter and before my cancer diagnoses. I own my own business and can’t justify doing retirement but my husband does contribute greatly to his. Thank you., One Instagram I followed was bohospeechie. Excellent info and resources for gestalt processors and their parents., Check out meaningfulspeech and Mrs. Speechie P also, Well .. for what it's worth, ours went from not speaking at 3+daily transitional meltdowns, to conversational and thriving at school at 6. He verbally stims to nth degree when he is home,but I would rather have that than him not talking., That's great! Most people aren't on top of that. From your description it seems like your son may not need as much support as his level indicates. It's hard to know what the future holds, but you seem to be doing a terrific job raising him., Thank you!, Thank you, He has other issues. Potty training has been terrible, really sensory seeking, and his meltdowns can be difficult. We feel that if we can communicate, things will be easier. I have a Dutch husband so he is on top of insurance and such, it was a little strange when he randomly got life insurance on me while I was pregnant 😅, I am so sorry for what you’re going through. The truth is that the future trajectory for any kid, autistic or not, is not easy to predict. 

You really don’t have to use the level for anything, so just put that assessment in a drawer and take your kid on their own terms. It sounds like you’re doing exactly that by working to understand how he communicates. I wish you all the best., That’s terrific news that your son is starting to talk and a really great sign. The doctor that diagnosed my child told us before the age of 8 it is very difficult to (correctly) predict outcomes. I see that already in that my child is very different at age 4 than he was at age 3. Now we’re trying to think about what school he will go to in a year and a half and we just have no idea where he’ll be! 

From my layperson/parent perspective, I think some of the level diagnose is not helpful at all - because symptoms and circumstances change so much. Parents come here and describe really terrible problems prefaced with „my level 1 child.“ And I think to myself that is not a level 1 problem, these parents are not being realistic about the functional level of their kid. Same thing with Level 3 - which some doctors only diagnose in order to increase services provided by the state or by private insurance. A child diagnosed as level three may be just fine in a regular classroom within years. 
Tl;dr Don’t read much into the levels. 

I can’t imagine how hard it is for you and your husband right now - not only with your son‘s circumstances, but with your illnesses on top of it. Cancer is particularly cruel - where it always feels as if you’re waiting for the next shoe to drop and the anxiety over the next test or scan. I hope things start picking up healthwise for you and your husband. The fact that your son has started to speak and communicate is a huge  positive and reason for celebration in the midst of other bad news!, My son is still young but he is a gestalt processor and went from all echolalia to like 95% spontaneous speech in two years (age 4-6) with going to school and speech therapy. Gestalts evolve into more complex and spontaneous speech over time., A LOT can change in those early years. Don't give up hope, ey?, My son is also a GLP and a year older than yours. Last year around this time his speech was limited to (mostly) functional scripts to get his needs met or as stims. He would rarely initiate speech or answer questions directly. He just walked out the door with his grandma and (unprompted) said bye to me in two different languages.

A lot can change very fast and it's too soon to predict outcomes. The levels are primarily there to authorize the maximum amount of services and I wouldn't assign them too much weight., My son is a GLP (he's about 4.5yo). He didn't talk at all until he was 3 and we thought he might always be non-verbal. His scripts have picked up and evolved, and just the other day I heard maybe his first spontaneous sentence! ( He called to his sister ""Look Sister! It's a cow!"" When we drove by some cows haha). He was also diagnosed as 'severely' autistic as a toddler, but that was mainly because he was melting down through the entire Dr appointment. 

Obviously I can't see the future, but the way he is progressing I am very confident he will be able to be independent eventually. It's hard because every child is so different,  but just because your child is a GLP doesn't mean they can't be independent., I’m not autistic (at least I’ve made it well into adulthood without being diagnosed) but learning about GLPs with my son was a true lightbulb moment for me as this is how I acquired and acquire language and information.  I’m independent and work in a professional field.  , Definitely this. Levels change over time as well. Once a kid finds the right supports and starts to grow as a result they may need less support aka their level goes down. 

I am sorry to hear about yours and your husband’s health. I think about my wife and son since I am a cancer survivor (testicular). My father recently passed from a different form of cancer so I worry sometimes about genetics even though I am very healthy and athletic. I know you don’t want to burden your daughter but she may have to take on responsibilities she didn’t ask for due to circumstances. As for what you can do for your son, look into special needs trusts, SSI for when he turns 18, any benefits that he would qualify for as a parachute for if you pass and he isn’t able to support himself. Try and save money for retirement that can be passed onto him as inheritance. Retirement planning via a 401k, Roth/Traditional IRA, or whatever can kill two birds with one stone. Not sure if you can get life insurance since you do have a diagnosis, but you may want to look into it. 

Most important of all be in the moment for your kids. It can be overwhelming thinking of the future but the best thing you give to your kids’ future is to be a great parent to them in the present., Thank you, I totally agree. I've seen so many people lead in with ""level 1"", ""mild"", or ""high functioning"", and then essentially describe someone for whom speech is a bit of a red herring, where they talk fluently, but otherwise can't really function or are in some kind of huge crisis. I'd also say TikTok is pretty riddled with parents of nonspeaking level 3 offspring who demonstrate much better ability and tolerance than my diagnosed level 1 child when it comes to cleaning and organization of living space, as well as, in a lot of instances, overall visual processing., Thank you! Really informative. 
We are thinking of home schooling for a bit (I’m a teacher) but hope to integrate him into school around 8 and hopefully living elsewhere :) 

Good luck with finding the right school- such a difficult choice., Thank you! I’m an ESL teacher (I teach English as a second language) so I’m hoping that can help him, too. I’m knee deep in research and only a few fingers deep in implementation. I’m hoping I can open many doors for my kiddo in this regard., There’s no giving up but I feel the need to hear some inspiration., Thank you. It was a thought in my head since we live in a place of limited resources when it comes to special needs care. 

We are waiting to introduce my husband’s language until my son is 5. We wanted our kids to be able to tell us about stuff in one language before another (for safety and personal care), Thank you. He has a NT sister, so I’m hoping she’ll help with language development. She’s a year younger., Thank you! I have a feeling I was the same as a child., I started my life insurance policy while pregnant with my daughter and before my cancer diagnoses. I own my own business and can’t justify doing retirement but my husband does contribute greatly to his. Thank you., One Instagram I followed was bohospeechie. Excellent info and resources for gestalt processors and their parents., Check out meaningfulspeech and Mrs. Speechie P also, Well .. for what it's worth, ours went from not speaking at 3+daily transitional meltdowns, to conversational and thriving at school at 6. He verbally stims to nth degree when he is home,but I would rather have that than him not talking., That's great! Most people aren't on top of that. From your description it seems like your son may not need as much support as his level indicates. It's hard to know what the future holds, but you seem to be doing a terrific job raising him., Thank you!, Thank you, He has other issues. Potty training has been terrible, really sensory seeking, and his meltdowns can be difficult. We feel that if we can communicate, things will be easier. I have a Dutch husband so he is on top of insurance and such, it was a little strange when he randomly got life insurance on me while I was pregnant 😅",Support,Future Concerns
"Hi all! My kiddo (5f) is highly functioning and in the gifted range. Her recent diagnosis is throwing my own life into a tailspin because several of my previous career options are no longer viable (they involve constant travel and long hours where I would barely see her). We live in a state with a horrible, underfunded education system and my kiddo has either been expelled or severely punished severely at two separate elementary schools. It sucks. She likes school when the teachers understand her/are nice to her, but I think that’s a rarity where we live unfortunately/ they just see her as a nuisance. 

We’re lucky in that my husband has a work-from-home job and I have potential to start a small business out of my home using my present skills and be around more. So we’re kinda thinking “screw it let’s move”. 

Does anyone have schools they can rave about in Minnesota,Wisconsin, Michigan, New Hampshire, Vermont, NY? Places like that?","Out of curiosity, how did you determine your daughter was in the gifted range? We found the results of the testing we did were really inconsistent across different sub-categories, Many of the suburbs around Madison WI are great. They are generally affluent communities in a very blue county and are funded as such. We are in Monona, and they have been amazing to work with. There is also a private school in the area called EAGLE school that is for gifted learners. Madison is a university town and home to the state government, and there are a lot of opportunities for educational camps outside of school., Following in case of northeast suggestions. My son is very similar., Thanks! Madison has been on the short list in the past! This is exactly the kind of thing I’m looking for!",Support,Educational Support
"My kid is 5. He babbles but does not speak. I tried to teach him to point his hand to whatever wants. Instead of learning to point his hand, he instead pulls my hand towards what he wants. Since learning to express himself like this, his anxiety has improved. But he is not learning to point his own hand to anything he wants. Any idea how to fix this behaviour??","Just keep modelling it. 'Oh you want....' *point to it yourself. Honestly though if leading you to what he wants is getting his needs met then there's probably not a lot of motivation on his part to point himself., Aba helped us with this. We did hand over hand with a reward. We would start with two toys in front of him and he would try to grab the one he wanted so we’d take his hand and close it with his pointer finger extended, then he’d get the toy. We did this religiously for everything. (If he wanted a bath, if he wanted food,ect). for 4 months and one day it clicked. That was 5 years ago and pointing is still his main form of communication. Sometimes I still have to say point to make sure he points instead of broadly gesturing so that he doesn’t lose the skill., Does he gesture to it at all even with a whole hand or reaching for it? Sometimes it’s a fine motor problem (not uncommon with ASD kiddos) and making a point can be tough. My 3.5 year old still has trouble using only one finger., Using your hands is a step towards him pointing. Eventually he’ll work himself there with repetition. But it’s got to be consistent. If he leads you somewhere and uses you to point, immediately take his hand and point to it with his. Every single time. It’s boring and repetitive but it helps., we just got my 3 year old pointing this year, it helped to let him lead us to what he wants (because he would do the same) and once we get there we take his hand and help him point his finger to the item before giving it to him. after a few weeks he started grasping the concept and now points to almost everything after pulling us to it, I would definitely let him keep leading you to what he wants. It’s allowing him to communicate with you and that’s wonderful! 

I would also start gesturing myself…with as much as I could. Offer him choices and point to them as you’re offering. If he sees it all the time, he might pick it up himself. 

I naturally gesture A LOT whenever I talk and also found that my kids were never really frustrated when they were young, and I always knew what they wanted. They were both late talkers. My oldest is verbal and my youngest is verbal but not conversational. 

In fact, it was something I never even realized I did until my youngest was being tested and the evaluator asked me to not gesture when requesting my son to do something. It’s just how I talk! lol. 

TLDR- keep gesturing! Hopefully it will catch on., Why not make a list of his top 20 things.  Then make pictures on index cards.

A little Velcro on the back, on a piece of fabric, or line them up where he can grab them and bring to you?, modelling does not seem to be working. I have also tried pretending to not understand him. He just gives up instead., This is what we did with my son. He doesn't imitate, ever. So, we had to do hand over hand to teach him how to point. It took longer than 4 months for our guy so, OP,  don't worry if it takes him a while to learn this skill. Just keep at it., My son never imitated so we used the method you've described and it worked! He points with his middle finger though and it looks kind of funny 😅, he doesn't initiate any gesture with his hand. He tries to reach for it with his hand. When he can't reach, he drags a chair and climbs on it to reach it. When he still can't reach, he holds my hand to lead me nearby. Then he tires to raise my hand towards it. But it does not seem to be a problem of fine motor skills. He can hold a glass of water and drink it. He can hold a spoon and put in his mouth (a little shaky in motion). He just can't seem to learn to use own his hand to gesture or use words to describe what he wants., modeling didn’t work for him either making him do it was the way it worked for us, Modeling can take years to see results. Keep modeling., Just keep modelling it. 'Oh you want....' *point to it yourself. Honestly though if leading you to what he wants is getting his needs met then there's probably not a lot of motivation on his part to point himself., Aba helped us with this. We did hand over hand with a reward. We would start with two toys in front of him and he would try to grab the one he wanted so we’d take his hand and close it with his pointer finger extended, then he’d get the toy. We did this religiously for everything. (If he wanted a bath, if he wanted food,ect). for 4 months and one day it clicked. That was 5 years ago and pointing is still his main form of communication. Sometimes I still have to say point to make sure he points instead of broadly gesturing so that he doesn’t lose the skill., Does he gesture to it at all even with a whole hand or reaching for it? Sometimes it’s a fine motor problem (not uncommon with ASD kiddos) and making a point can be tough. My 3.5 year old still has trouble using only one finger., Using your hands is a step towards him pointing. Eventually he’ll work himself there with repetition. But it’s got to be consistent. If he leads you somewhere and uses you to point, immediately take his hand and point to it with his. Every single time. It’s boring and repetitive but it helps., we just got my 3 year old pointing this year, it helped to let him lead us to what he wants (because he would do the same) and once we get there we take his hand and help him point his finger to the item before giving it to him. after a few weeks he started grasping the concept and now points to almost everything after pulling us to it, I would definitely let him keep leading you to what he wants. It’s allowing him to communicate with you and that’s wonderful! 

I would also start gesturing myself…with as much as I could. Offer him choices and point to them as you’re offering. If he sees it all the time, he might pick it up himself. 

I naturally gesture A LOT whenever I talk and also found that my kids were never really frustrated when they were young, and I always knew what they wanted. They were both late talkers. My oldest is verbal and my youngest is verbal but not conversational. 

In fact, it was something I never even realized I did until my youngest was being tested and the evaluator asked me to not gesture when requesting my son to do something. It’s just how I talk! lol. 

TLDR- keep gesturing! Hopefully it will catch on., Why not make a list of his top 20 things.  Then make pictures on index cards.

A little Velcro on the back, on a piece of fabric, or line them up where he can grab them and bring to you?, modelling does not seem to be working. I have also tried pretending to not understand him. He just gives up instead., This is what we did with my son. He doesn't imitate, ever. So, we had to do hand over hand to teach him how to point. It took longer than 4 months for our guy so, OP,  don't worry if it takes him a while to learn this skill. Just keep at it., My son never imitated so we used the method you've described and it worked! He points with his middle finger though and it looks kind of funny 😅, he doesn't initiate any gesture with his hand. He tries to reach for it with his hand. When he can't reach, he drags a chair and climbs on it to reach it. When he still can't reach, he holds my hand to lead me nearby. Then he tires to raise my hand towards it. But it does not seem to be a problem of fine motor skills. He can hold a glass of water and drink it. He can hold a spoon and put in his mouth (a little shaky in motion). He just can't seem to learn to use own his hand to gesture or use words to describe what he wants., modeling didn’t work for him either making him do it was the way it worked for us, Modeling can take years to see results. Keep modeling., Just keep modelling it. 'Oh you want....' *point to it yourself. Honestly though if leading you to what he wants is getting his needs met then there's probably not a lot of motivation on his part to point himself., Aba helped us with this. We did hand over hand with a reward. We would start with two toys in front of him and he would try to grab the one he wanted so we’d take his hand and close it with his pointer finger extended, then he’d get the toy. We did this religiously for everything. (If he wanted a bath, if he wanted food,ect). for 4 months and one day it clicked. That was 5 years ago and pointing is still his main form of communication. Sometimes I still have to say point to make sure he points instead of broadly gesturing so that he doesn’t lose the skill., Does he gesture to it at all even with a whole hand or reaching for it? Sometimes it’s a fine motor problem (not uncommon with ASD kiddos) and making a point can be tough. My 3.5 year old still has trouble using only one finger., Using your hands is a step towards him pointing. Eventually he’ll work himself there with repetition. But it’s got to be consistent. If he leads you somewhere and uses you to point, immediately take his hand and point to it with his. Every single time. It’s boring and repetitive but it helps., we just got my 3 year old pointing this year, it helped to let him lead us to what he wants (because he would do the same) and once we get there we take his hand and help him point his finger to the item before giving it to him. after a few weeks he started grasping the concept and now points to almost everything after pulling us to it, I would definitely let him keep leading you to what he wants. It’s allowing him to communicate with you and that’s wonderful! 

I would also start gesturing myself…with as much as I could. Offer him choices and point to them as you’re offering. If he sees it all the time, he might pick it up himself. 

I naturally gesture A LOT whenever I talk and also found that my kids were never really frustrated when they were young, and I always knew what they wanted. They were both late talkers. My oldest is verbal and my youngest is verbal but not conversational. 

In fact, it was something I never even realized I did until my youngest was being tested and the evaluator asked me to not gesture when requesting my son to do something. It’s just how I talk! lol. 

TLDR- keep gesturing! Hopefully it will catch on., Why not make a list of his top 20 things.  Then make pictures on index cards.

A little Velcro on the back, on a piece of fabric, or line them up where he can grab them and bring to you?, modelling does not seem to be working. I have also tried pretending to not understand him. He just gives up instead., This is what we did with my son. He doesn't imitate, ever. So, we had to do hand over hand to teach him how to point. It took longer than 4 months for our guy so, OP,  don't worry if it takes him a while to learn this skill. Just keep at it., My son never imitated so we used the method you've described and it worked! He points with his middle finger though and it looks kind of funny 😅, he doesn't initiate any gesture with his hand. He tries to reach for it with his hand. When he can't reach, he drags a chair and climbs on it to reach it. When he still can't reach, he holds my hand to lead me nearby. Then he tires to raise my hand towards it. But it does not seem to be a problem of fine motor skills. He can hold a glass of water and drink it. He can hold a spoon and put in his mouth (a little shaky in motion). He just can't seem to learn to use own his hand to gesture or use words to describe what he wants., modeling didn’t work for him either making him do it was the way it worked for us, Modeling can take years to see results. Keep modeling., Just keep modelling it. 'Oh you want....' *point to it yourself. Honestly though if leading you to what he wants is getting his needs met then there's probably not a lot of motivation on his part to point himself., Aba helped us with this. We did hand over hand with a reward. We would start with two toys in front of him and he would try to grab the one he wanted so we’d take his hand and close it with his pointer finger extended, then he’d get the toy. We did this religiously for everything. (If he wanted a bath, if he wanted food,ect). for 4 months and one day it clicked. That was 5 years ago and pointing is still his main form of communication. Sometimes I still have to say point to make sure he points instead of broadly gesturing so that he doesn’t lose the skill., Does he gesture to it at all even with a whole hand or reaching for it? Sometimes it’s a fine motor problem (not uncommon with ASD kiddos) and making a point can be tough. My 3.5 year old still has trouble using only one finger., Using your hands is a step towards him pointing. Eventually he’ll work himself there with repetition. But it’s got to be consistent. If he leads you somewhere and uses you to point, immediately take his hand and point to it with his. Every single time. It’s boring and repetitive but it helps., we just got my 3 year old pointing this year, it helped to let him lead us to what he wants (because he would do the same) and once we get there we take his hand and help him point his finger to the item before giving it to him. after a few weeks he started grasping the concept and now points to almost everything after pulling us to it, I would definitely let him keep leading you to what he wants. It’s allowing him to communicate with you and that’s wonderful! 

I would also start gesturing myself…with as much as I could. Offer him choices and point to them as you’re offering. If he sees it all the time, he might pick it up himself. 

I naturally gesture A LOT whenever I talk and also found that my kids were never really frustrated when they were young, and I always knew what they wanted. They were both late talkers. My oldest is verbal and my youngest is verbal but not conversational. 

In fact, it was something I never even realized I did until my youngest was being tested and the evaluator asked me to not gesture when requesting my son to do something. It’s just how I talk! lol. 

TLDR- keep gesturing! Hopefully it will catch on., Why not make a list of his top 20 things.  Then make pictures on index cards.

A little Velcro on the back, on a piece of fabric, or line them up where he can grab them and bring to you?, modelling does not seem to be working. I have also tried pretending to not understand him. He just gives up instead., This is what we did with my son. He doesn't imitate, ever. So, we had to do hand over hand to teach him how to point. It took longer than 4 months for our guy so, OP,  don't worry if it takes him a while to learn this skill. Just keep at it., My son never imitated so we used the method you've described and it worked! He points with his middle finger though and it looks kind of funny 😅, he doesn't initiate any gesture with his hand. He tries to reach for it with his hand. When he can't reach, he drags a chair and climbs on it to reach it. When he still can't reach, he holds my hand to lead me nearby. Then he tires to raise my hand towards it. But it does not seem to be a problem of fine motor skills. He can hold a glass of water and drink it. He can hold a spoon and put in his mouth (a little shaky in motion). He just can't seem to learn to use own his hand to gesture or use words to describe what he wants., modeling didn’t work for him either making him do it was the way it worked for us, Modeling can take years to see results. Keep modeling.",Treatment,Behavioral Issues
"I have a 10 month old daughter who, in my opinion, is showing some of the signs of autism. One of the biggest one is lack of engagement with what we are saying - minimal response to name, no understanding of words, etc. However, we’ve had two hearing tests over the last month, both of which showing she has a significant amount of non-infected fluid in her ears. They won’t put in tubes for another 3 months or so, which seems insane to me.

My question - for those of you who have kiddos with autism who also had tubes, did you notice an improvement after the tubes were put in? What sorts of improvements?","My son got ear tubes around 3yo. He had some persistent infections, but ultimately qualified for the treatment because he consistently had fluid in his ears. After the surgery, the ENT told us the fluid was extremely thick. Within one week, his production of sounds, particularly the ends of words, was already improving (he is also in speech therapy) and I’d say his mood also improved slightly. I think the ASD is the main cause of his speech delay, but it’s clear that the fluid build up was also contributing. , We did see minimal improvement in my daughter’s hearing after getting the tubes. But I had a gut feeling most of her “hearing” issues were behavioral aka autism and I was right. We saw little things like new noises (turning on the faucet or dropping something unexpectedly) would sometimes make her turn. Beyond that she didn’t start responding to her name or engaging more. , Everything you've mentioned can be a symptom of hearing loss on its own. You can't really know what's going to change before she gets tubes - she'll keep a delay for a while even if it's ""just"" hearing loss, but it'll give you a better idea of wether it's hearing or a language delay., My son got tubes at 9 months old due to back to back ear infections. We saw some improvement looking back but definitely didn't seem that way at first., No because her main problem was the autism and the ears were just an added delay. She has made a little bit of improvement in receptive language, but she’s 4 years old at this point and is way behind. There’s no telling if the tubes made that difference, therapy, or just her age. Tubes obviously improved her overall quality of life though just from the medical aspect., Is your daughter showing any other signs? Does she make eye contact? Does she stimm when overstimulated? The signs you have described may very well be due to fluid behind the tympanic membrane causing hearing problems, therefore causing lack of response to verbal stimuli. 

This is anecdotal. Our youngest daughter had a similar problem at 2 yo. Myryigotomy with tube placement solved the issue as the fluid drained. She could hear much better after that. 

Regarding the 3 months delay in procedure - it may not be as insane as you think. Your daughter is only 10 months old. Think about risks vs benefits. The benefit is draining the fluid that is not infected. The procedure is done under general anesthesia which by itself has a lot of risks, especially in kids. The 3 months make a difference., My friends son has autism and they put tubes in his ear because he kept getting ear infections. It helped tremendously.

Edit: and obviously you can’t hear well if your ear is gunked up, My son is on his fourth set of tubes at almost 6 years old. There is no improvement any of the times other than he stopped having recurring ear infections (which has been the reason for tubes every time)., My boy just kept getting ear infection after ear infection, which the tubes did put a stop to., tbh not a crazy amount of improvement communication wise. my son is nonverbal and i like you was hopeful that after he got the tubes after his second birthday this past july that we would see some sort of improvement with his communication but it has not. he also had a hearing test done while he was under and it showed he had great hearing. I know it has helped him feel better and not be in pain from ear infection after ear infection. he had 10 ear infections in 8 months so they gave us the green light for tubes after seemingly never ending ear infections., Not my kid, but they had a friend in elementary school who did because he had a bazillion ear infections. I think it can help, but you want to be careful not to scapegoat the ear stuff. I never knew for sure, but my feeling was that this kid had something else going on besides just the ear stuff. He couldn't read until 10, always needed a lot of tutoring to pass classes, enjoyed activities like peeing in other people's yards just for fun, was kind of aggressive, and always had something a little funky with his speech.",Treatment,Medical Question
How was the process? Did you hire an attorney or an advocate? What were the outcomes?,"An advocate with positive recommendations and a history working with your child's school is worth every penny., We have a really good district that is very accommodating but even then they have learned to be ready when meeting us for an IEP.

We always ask for the IEP draft the day before the meeting.  We read every word of it and make notes all over. We challenge and ask for explanations on everything we're not understanding or happy with. We never sign on the spot, always sleep on it no matter what.

I've brought an advocate a few times for big meetings like discussing a 1 on 1 aid but after 3 years of the school takes us seriously and I don't need the advocate  anymore. Still I'll hire one in a second if they try to push me off in any way., We've done it alone, and then brought an advocate, and then needed a lawyer, then did it alone, and now we're back to needing another advocate (a different more assertive one).

It's a journey. But I'll never stop advocating for my son and what he needs., I had to hire an advocate after the district refused to provide a one-to-one paraprofessional for my son. 

It was his first time starting school, and his behaviors and elopement are quite severe. Everyone on the ground level privately confided after his evaluations that they agreed that he needed someone assigned to him. 

I learned that our intermediate School District was illegally refusing to reimburse the local districts for paraprofessionals  prior to kindergarten. So, the district had a strong incentive to deny.

On the third IEP meeting, half a year into the school year, I found an advocate. I always hire PASEN. 

They agreed. I think they realized that I had money to fight, and on a third IEP meeting, I was not going away. They also knew I had evidence of the reason they were denying the parapro. In other words, they knew there was a strong chance that if they denied it again, I was hiring an attorney. 

And then they were likely looking at paying their legal fees, my legal fees, and then having to hire the parapro anyway. Not to mention having to find substitutes for staff who were called to participate in due process. 

I take PASEN to every meeting involving an administrator. 

It is worth every penny to have someone you can trust in your corner. Because the school district will lie their pants off to you., My son's schooling district provides the draft about 2-3 days before the actual meeting. That way we are informed of all the accomodations he needs or what the school is providing. We go through each and every word and make sure to make notes for things we do not understand. You have to fight and challenge them to get a better understanding. Good luck, Yes fight for your babies. It sucks but sometimes it needs to be done., A draft the day before is a great idea. I wish I had done that, I can’t think quick enough on the spot., Not all states require a district to provide a draft IEP. Bonkers, if you ask me. I have been lucky that even though they don't have to in my state, generally I'm able to get a draft.",Support,Legal Process
"My child is considered quite severe. I’ve tried to find other parents like me, and it’s really scary seeing how every single parent of a severe asd kid that I come across states their life is a nightmare and they are a broken shell of a person..this is how I feel now, but I kind of hoped I’d be happy again once I had more time to accept it. I’m going on 2 years since my child’s diagnosis. 

But it seems like the only happy or neutral parents I see have mild or moderate level kids, or, their kids are extremely young still. 

Is happiness still possible with a severely autistic child? I am in therapy and have been for awhile.","I'm not depressed! I made a vow that no matter what problems my son may have, an unhappy disengaged father was not going to be one of them. My boy is my best friend, we do crazy stuff together, I give him space to be a little weirdo, and I celebrate his victories with him.

It's not EASY, and sure I get frustrated at times. Today he came home from ABA in undies and I said ""time for a diaper!"" He looked right at me in that moment...and peed in his pants.  WTF MAN?!? But whatever, I cleaned the pee, changed the pants, and we went to play in the mud.

Self care is also important. I carve out time for my hobbies every night. That blessed 90 minutes of me time helps keep me grounded and gives me something to look forward to during the hard days.

I know plenty of people with money and NT kids and you know what?  They're unhappy. You have to find the drive inside of you and work at it no matter what your life situation. Like exercising a muscle, it's hard to use it at first, and you can't use it for long.  But if you keep working your happiness muscle it gets stronger and easier to activate., My son is definitely severe. Completely nonverbal. Currently no form of communication but hand leading.  He is 5 now we got an educational DX at 3. I was depressed for a really long time. You will go through grief and keep grieving as reality hits that the life/expectations  you expected for your child may look different. It feels like the worse thing in the world. There's no timeline for this mourning. Don’t feel guilty bc this will not be a linear process. 

I am not depressed though but I don't know if my heart will ever fully heal honestly. I don't grieve everyday anymore. Certain things trigger me still they can be as small as seeing a child 3-4 years younger talking. Christmas/birthdays  when I have no idea what to get my son and he hates opening gifts.  When I Wake up from a dream that he’s talking in. Reality hits. However it’s not everyday I get negative nor feel sad. For the most part I’ve accepted my day to day life and make the most of it with him.  I am happy with him. I love him so much. I couldn’t imagine my life with out him no matter how hard it has been. 

I can say it has gotten easier since the day I left a school 2 years ago with a paper that said “ autism level 3 will require support entire life”.

Keep your therapy. Do things for you and take your breaks. Remember tomorrows a new day and a year from now things will be completely different.   No one can predict the future. There’s a story I saw the other day about a child who didn’t speak until 9. We never know how things can turn out., Following, but depressed sorry, My son is severe level three high supports. He’s also 29. So I’ve been at this for a while. His father died when he was seven and I’ve been doing this alone also for a very long time. Yes there are other people out there like you I cannot say that I’ve ever been depressed. I can’t say that they’ve been incredibly difficult times. Self-care and looking out for my own interests have been key. But I also see my child as a huge blessing in my life. I look at the ways that he has changed me for the better. I am a more patient human being because of him I am also many other better things because of him. His older siblings have probably benefited from the ways that I have had to adapt myself because of this. Not to say I was a bad parent before him but I am a better parent because of him. As he has gone through life, especially school I have seen many children, especially those, with higher levels of autism and higher support levels, be abused, and I have always been grateful that I had a child in my care that was not going through that that was loved that was cared for and that was protected at least one soul. And that’s how I’ve chosen to look at it it might not be conventional. It might not be the way other people would choose to look at it, but it’s how I chose to look at it. Every day he makes me laugh. His love is thoroughly unconditional. He does not understand the bribery of telling me that he loves me in order to get something in return. It’s just pure raw emotion and it’s beautiful., I have a non verbal, angry boy who is six. Still in diapers. I recently went to visit my parents and heard my dad proclaim “what kind of parent would do that!?” When referring to his lack of potty training. That one hurt. Also, my son was going to do aba therapy and I went to get it all set up- went through the whole thing- only at the end to hear my insurance didn’t cover it and it’s 200 a day. I can’t afford to get my kid help. I think that makes me down. But when we get home.. when we are in our space space. We are ok. We exist as we do and it works. Some days he just screams. I lose my temper some days. But we live the best we can. I get by telling myself that everything happens for a reason and I will never have to face something I can’t handle. It’s so hard some days. This sub helps alot., I highly recommend meds. I don't know if you'd say my child is severely autistic, but she didn't potty train until 7 and at 8 we're just getting new phrases consistently, so it's been a slog. And her older sister was very delayed too so I've been on this road for 12 years. Besides meds, I'm a big believer in being grateful for any little crumb the universe wants to send my way. It's worked in my favor over the years and especially with an autistic child, the gains may be tiny but over time they add up considerably., I honestly don't know if we're severe or not. My kid has speech delay, he goes to a special school, it's likely he'll never live alone, there's so much up in the air at 7 though. But I'm not depressed, no. He's a happy kid. That's all I care about, and I love that we can be happy together. I'm truly more worried about the NT one. Lol, Happiness is what you make of it.  Happiness doesn't just happen, you have to make it happen.  My daughter is severely autistic and I am not depressed.  You have to stay on top of your mental health.  It's important to make the most of your time when you are not caring for your kid.  That golden time between my daughter going to sleep and when I go to sleep I get to have quality time with my wife.  We also let the other leave the house or do something we enjoy solo while the other cares for the kids.  In the good weather I go out on my kayak and paddle to a secluded area and take in the beauty and calmness.  Every year I try to paddle and explore a new area.  In the bad weather I play video games, it gives me the mental release of being a dad of a severely autistic princess to being anything else for a little bit. Make time for you, if you don't have a hobby get one.  If money is an issue, you can find something that is free.  If you aren't in the right place mentally, you can't provide the best care for your kiddo.   
Bad days and nightmare days will happen.  You need to be prepared mentally for that.  Find something you enjoy doing and do it.

My next advice is to focus on the progress your kid is making, celebrate every victory no matter how small they may seem.  Don't compare your kid to anyone else, that is usually the start of a mental downfall.  

Your life is probably not what you expected, but you can still make happiness happen., I suppose you’d say my son is on the severe side. He is nonverbal and will never be able to live by himself (barring something miraculous). He’s 14 now, and things can be tough sometimes. He was in diapers until 8, and it’s really just the last 6 months that I haven’t been cleaning poop out of his clothes most days. 

This past month I’ve had to do drywall repair for three holes in the wall. We are looking at getting a new microwave because he dented our old one. We are also making plans to reinforce our railing. This past week my son has had some pretty grueling meltdowns. He tipped over our DVD case which I hadn’t thought possible.

But am I happy? Mostly, yes. I have long since let go of any expectations of a “normal” life for my son or our family. He is who he is and I love him unconditionally.

Full disclosure, my faith also plays a large role in my generally positive approach to life., I first realized my son was autistic at about 14 months. I became pretty depressed. Medication helped. Talk therapy helped. I found that as my mood and anxiety improved so did my kid., You might want to read the book [Finding Cooper's voice](https://www.amazon.com/stores/Kate-Swenson/author/B097WY8D5H?ref=ap_rdr&store_ref=ap_rdr&isDramIntegrated=true&shoppingPortalEnabled=true) and the book [welcome to my life ](https://www.amazon.com/Welcome-My-Life-Personal-Parenting/dp/1948238322) . Both women have kids on the severe end of the spectrum and they inspire me a ton. I also suffer from crushing depression at times but I choose to focus on gratitude. Practicing gratitude has helped me be more accepting of the limitations caused by autism and focus more on my son's strengths. Also, if possible try finding other parents near your place or child's school whose kids are on the severe end of the spectrum. I recently went to an event for autistic kids and met other parents who are in the same boat as me and it really helped emotionally. I don't feel alone and isolated anymore., I’m always depressed, everyday, on some days I’m more depressed and some days less., [deleted], There’s a podcast called moms talk autism. It’s a group of moms with kids on the spectrum that speak about their experiences. I believe one or several of them may have a child on the higher needs side. I’ve listened to a few episodes. You might find it helpful., OP! Where to begin... 

I feel you. 

Our daughters autism is just one of the many issues she's battling. Epileptic seizures, hypotonia, difficulties drinking, swallowing, severe mental disabilities, severe gross and fine motor disabilities... She's still fairly young and has a NT twin sister, but BOY is this hard!

My husband and I are exhausted far beyond what we thought is possible. We fight so much more than pre kids, we do all ourselves, as expats, no family around.
But what helps is still the hope that things will get better. Maybe the hope is not justified, but it is what keeps me going., What worked for me. Put it as a reminder/alarm for everyday to vocally say the positive achievements of your kid for that day.As a parent we end up comparing to peers, lot of time NTs and feel our kids are lacking & behind, sometimes the smallest achievements are all you need to feel better and focusing on your child's achievement and comparing only to himself/ herself is the right mind frame you need.

Also check your B12 levels, and general health too., My son is severe- nonverbal, double incontinence, ADHD. We are very happy. Our son is a huge challenge but he is also funny and a lovely little person with a kind heart. 

We'll have to care for him our whole lives, and I have no idea how things will be when he's 16 and massive. But we do loads of things as a family, about as much as we could reasonably be able to do. My wife and I each support the other in pursuing our hobbies and we have both developed our own friendship networks as well as having joint friends. 

ADHD meds have helped with the impulsivity and tendency to hit us and destroy things., I think the depression sets in when the exhaustion hits for me. I get 3-4 hours of sleep a couple nights a week because of my child either not sleeping or I get too worked up to sleep after my wife and I argue about something because we are so worn out and anger easily. It’s an endless cycle and it might not ever go away. The good far outweighs the bad., My son is on the lower end of severe, and I can honestly say my depression has nothing to do with him. He makes me happy even on hard days we both struggle with depression and anxiety, and a lot of things he’s going through I went through. He comes to me when he doesn’t have the words for anyone else, I’m not depressed 🤪

![gif](giphy|oNvEMf4dw4UB4aJn0e)

I often wonder about the woe is me dialog in the ASD groups with kiddos not even severe. It’s a challenge but I don’t think it’s depressing, I was depressed but now i am on zoloft and have a much better perspective regarding the situation.  I also have gotten into listening to Wayne Dyer who just helps me with anxiety & staying grounded .My son is 8, severe ASD & im single parent., I’m not unhappy! I figure what will a bleak outlook do for me other than bring me down. Hope is the best thing to have and an unending drive to never stop trying to help you child. 

Also laughing at the ridiculousness of some of the antics also helps., My son is 15. I’ve been at this for a long time. It’s up and down. I do have depression. But a lot of things in my life that I don’t have control over sucks. It isn’t just about my son. I also got diagnosed with an incurable chronic disease. That doesn’t help my mental health either. Anyway, not everyone has depression in my situation… but I’ve been at this for 15 years now. Burnout is real, especially when your teenager has a meltdown and gets violent. It’s like an abusive relationship you can’t walk away from because it’s your kid., 🖐 I am not! My son is almost 8, and holy crap those younger years were hard!!! Especially when 2020 hit. He lost all therapies and developed extreme separation anxiety from me where I couldn’t even go to the bathroom with the door closed or he’d have a self injurious meltdown. I was extremely depressed and angry at life during this time. 

Anyhow, he’s now in school, so I get time for myself. I’ve discovered hobbies that I love. We’ve developed a routine and methods that work for us. He is finally starting to understand how to use his AAC device. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes it’s incredibly difficult, but not like it was. My husband has an erratic schedule/does shift work, and we have no friends or family nearby, but I’m lucky that he’s my only child and my husband makes enough that I can be a stay at home mom. I think without those school hours, my mental health would definitely take a hit., I am not depressed. My son is moderate to severe completely nonverbal. He is the Light of my life. Why should I be depressed when he is so happy? He’s living his best life. He has no idea there is anything different about him. We live our lives and roll with the punches. No one has a perfect life, I just focus on the good., I’m not depressed:), TBH there is no magic pill other going to therapy for yourself and using that angst to fight for your child. I know you're probably not going to like this, but before I was depressed I was angry all the time and I felt that using energy was keeping me alive. I didn't realize that I really needed the therapy for anxiety and anger management. 

I now see that I should have been using that energy to become more involved with charitable and community efforts that directly benefited my son's quality of life for the long term; we recently participated in a marathon for his residential provider. 

TLDR look for respite so that you can focus on your own self care through therapy, exercise, socializing, etc., Oh yes, my dear. My daughter is severely autistic, non verbal with mild retardation. It was very hard when she was young and I was alone so much of the time. Things improved a lot once she started going to school and I was able to get more rest and I started therapy to help me with my super difficult life. A good medical team helped, too. Our pediatrician referred us the local children's teaching hospital and we connected to a pediatric neurologist who hooked us up with a variety of specialists and community resources.

I am also lucky enough to have naturopathic physician parents who helped us with all natural remedies for problematic behaviors and symptoms. I post many of  the tips and tricks I learned over the last 23 years on some free web sites -  check out [EasyAutism.org](https://EasyAutism.org) for more help and support. Sending love and strength and best wishes. It does get better xoxo!, My son (5.5 years) has level 2 autism, but severe ADHD as well. I have had depression for at least 25 years, although I’ve had my mental health under good control since a little while before I became pregnant with my kid. I knew he was autistic before he was a year old, and he was diagnosed before 2.5 years. I’m also autistic so that could be working to my benefit in parenting an autistic kiddo, but really I just love my son and enjoy being his mom. It’s hard obviously, and I’m a single/solo parent (there’s no father), but things being hard doesn’t seem to impact my depression. He is verbal most of the time, with a social language impairment. The combination of autism and ADHD leads to severe impairment overall requiring very substantial support. But still life is ok. He draws a lot, mostly recreations of those YouTube computer generated colourful marble videos, and I love his drawings. He hums when he’s happy and rubs my arm to help him calm himself. He loves putting colours in rainbow order, be it toy cars or blocks or clothing from the hamper. I appreciate these little things because otherwise I might be miserable. I don’t have expectations for him, he is free to be himself regardless of what that looks like and I adjust our life to accommodate his safety in doing so. I know he will have a very different life from what most parents expect for their children, and I’ve accepted that. My life hasn’t been the kind of life most parents hope or expect for their children but I’m ok now, and he will be too. I’ve always found a way to get through life, and I’ll find ways for him to get through it too., I am worried my baby is.. and I feel depressed most days., My child is severely autistic and I'm doing ok for the most part. I feel very positive and hopeful that things will improve in the future. It helps I saw my autistic brother mature and his autism evolve as he grew I think, My daughter has level 3 autism and I am not depressed. She was 2 when I was diagnosed with stage 3 triple positive breast cancer and she was 3.5 when we got her diagnosis this past November. None of this is easy but it is all worth it. I am just grateful to be here raising her. 

Edited to add: there are days that are more challenging than others and I do have times where I cry/worry about the future but I try to redirect to myself to the present and think of all the things i am grateful for. Therapy has been helpful, reading books about Autism and educating myself more on ways I can support my daughter has been helpful and making friends with other Autism parents has been beneficial as this can be so isolating. 

Please reach out any time you need someone to talk to! ❤️, My child is severe nonverbal. I'm not depressed, I'm going to have to press the moments but that's not because of him that's mainly because I make some bad Life Choices sometimes. Maybe I shouldn't be drinking too much wine, maybe I should go to sleep earlier, and maybe I should not watch sad movies. But it's definitely not my baby. Life is a little bit challenging we know that absolutely. But I don't hate my life because I have a special needs baby who needs just a little bit more tender care. In fact he actually makes me happy. We need to start a group chat or something anybody here in telegram? I'll start up a group where we can chat 24/7, I am a single parent of a level 3 child. I also have a NT toddler. What keeps me stable is keeping my son engaged in therapies during the day and having a nanny to help me with the kids so I don’t feel overwhelmed constantly. Expensive but worth it for my mental health., Wow, that was beautifully put!, Absolutely fantastic. Thank you for this. I saved this comment as something to remind myself., I love this. This cannot be overstated! Similar to another favorite recent comment that happiness doesn't just happen, you have to work towards it.

This is coming from someone who has been inclined to depression and anxiety throughout my adult life (long history of it in my family).

From my POV, the best skill in the world belongs to those people who can always look on the positive side of things, or at least take things into perspective. I used to lament that I was not born as such, but I now accept that means I just have to work harder for it., Now this is actually useful advice. Thank you,  Please start a blog., Happiness muscle I love that!!, This is how we, husband and I, look at it too. Every day is hard work, but at 8 pm, we relax, turn on a show, and play video games while talking about our day., Inspirational. You’re a champ., This is a fantastic response, Best daddy award goes to YOU!, You're a really good guy, man. I have a similar approach with my son. I simply made him my best friend., Curious if you and your son are on this journey alone? I think for our family (I’m one of 4 grands) that having help for the parents so they can work (they don’t live together) helps a lot. And yes, when the shit hits the fan the grand can get a change of scenery at a different house. The grand loves this. The adults get some me time which we all need., My neighbors child, who is also severe, started talkimg about 2 months before turning 10. It made me so happy. Today after school,  my 8 year old was having a hard time  crying, throwing herself on the ground. He actually tried to help/console her which was amazing. He got really close to her and repeated twice ""don't worry, it will be okay, smile."" He didn't say it easily but he did, he tried to help her. I just wanted to hug him for trying to help her.

My daughter is also severe and I think I stopped being depressed recently, 5 years after diagnosis. I do still have hard days when I get sad but I am mostly happy.  I am focused on the good things and just celebrating her and every step she makes forward, no matter how small. I try to just help her be happy, that's my main goal in life., I’m so sorry about the insurance not covering therapies. This is terrible, I don’t know what state you are in but if he’s diagnosed with autism that is severe, you may be able to get disability Medicaid (regardless of income) for therapies and doctors. I’m not sure if it would cover ABA in my current state it does but in the last state we lived in ABA was not covered with his disability Medicaid., Look at Katie Beckett or deeming waiver for your state - it’s a bunch of hoops - but you could get Medicaid for your kiddo even if your income is outside limits., I second meds. There’s nothing wrong with taking antidepressants! (The parent(s) I mean), My son has totally went Hulk on our tv, Xbox, and iPad. He’s also tried to pull a fully loaded bookshelf over. I prevented that one!, How did you realize this if you don’t mind me asking? Genuinely curious?, Damn that does sound rough. I am trying to change my attitude. Sometimes it seems like I’m ok with it and have accepted this life, and other times I go into complete denial or depression over it. 

But you’re right. My kid didn’t choose this and it’s not his fault., I think a lot of my depression intensified when I truly lost most hope for the first time. One day I realized I had stopped hoping to hear mama, stopped hoping my son might be ok one day, stopped hoping he’d sit down and eat with us one day. So don’t give up on hope. I am trying to reframe my hope and just hope he will communicate with me in any type of way one day., Any advice on how you guys go out and do stuff? I just took him to the park, and it was awful honestly, which is how it usually goes. Total meltdown because he wants in the baby swings that he doesn’t fit in, won’t go near the non baby swings. Trying to elope and escape from me the entire time, even in the closed in fields he’s trying to find a way to escape. Jumping and screaming so loud that little kids ask what’s wrong with him or parents usher them away like we’re diseased. It feels like torture and I just can’t seem to “not care” and let it go., Not good sleep here too, how old is your kiddo?, Let me know about the telegram group..i will love to join., What I love about America is that our Declaration says we have a natural right to the pursuit of happiness.  Sometimes it seems like a hopeless exercise when I look at my daughter and compare her to “normal” kids.  But then I get a look or a hug or challenge we finally overcome.  Happiness doesn’t begin to describe the true joy of the victories, rare though they often are.  Happiness isn’t really pursued.  I find it creeps up and surprises me at the oddest times.  Parenting an ASD child is hard, but it has unique rewards., I'm glad you found this and connected with it. How old is your son? What's he like?, I’m so happy to hear that❤️ every story I hear like that brings my heart so much joy and hope.  Im so glad to hear you are happy. I know it’s not easy but it definitely gets better when you focus on the good and small accomplishments ❤️ and I agree a happy child is the most important no matter what, The insurance game is so fucked up. Mine is more than willing to cover OT and Speech for my daughter (thank God) but ABA is ""under review"" and has been that way for over a month so we're in limbo. We're still not sure if we're going to send her to ABA anyway (she's Level 2, borderline Level 1), but if they won't cover it then I definitely won't have a choice in the matter., Thank you so much. I will defo do this. You all are angels. What did I do before Reddit? Oh yeah.. feel super alone ! Thank god I have you all, now 🥹, Hulk smash indeed! Lol. Yes, my son has broken a TV and a couple of iPads, too. Smacking his hands down has long been one of his stimming activities. It wasn’t an issue when he was small. Now that he’s 5’7” and still growing, it’s much different!, He wasn't responding well to his name and I noticed he wasn't smiling as much. Also he was avoiding eye contact. Responding to name is the biggest predictor., I had a breakdown from exhaustion on their first birthday. This was kind of the milestone, to make it through the first year. Well.. The first birthday came, we made it and... Crickets... Nothing miraculously changed or got better. All the tension let loose and I got majorly sick. That's when I realised that carrying for her will be a life long journey., Our son has always had a backpack that clips round his front and has reigns. He's 8 now and never goes out without it or he would be running straight into the most dangerous place possible. If we are in a fenced playground we'll unclip him and I'll follow him everywhere he goes. If it's an indoor soft play he is safe to be allowed to play but his older sister (also autistic but much less severe) will keep an eye on him and we'll guard the exit at the nearest table.

We are lucky; he has never, ever harmed or attempted to harm another child; he might hit us but never anyone else. 

Our son also wants to play in the baby areas too. He is ok with the big swings now and seems to have clocked that he won't fit in little ones. 

Our son tends to have meltdowns over toys (as in wanting one from a place he might have had one in the past) and food. There are some shops we just can't take him into or go near because he'll have a meltdown. A big supermarket is too busy for him, too full of bad foods that he likes and too full of toys; he'll end up on the floor screaming. So we just don't go there with him. If we have to go past a ""trauma shop"" we do it as fast as possible before he has time to get into a meltdown cycle by thinking about it. 

Our son is exceptionally loud. He likes making noise, it's a stim. He can be ear-piercing in his squeals and yes, it draws a lot of attention. To be honest, we are just used to it. From the older people who walk out of a restaurant loudly proclaiming ""I can't listen to that nonsense all meal"" to the bunch of adult lads who followed my wife and son making horrible comments and mocking him all the way from the train station, we've had some bad experiences and plenty of looks. But mostly we just tune it out and get on with it now. I don't even look at other people. My wife is brilliant at shaming people. She once had a woman turn up at the bus stop a day later to apologise for what she had said about him the day before., Ok thank you.",Support,Parental Support
"Hi Everyone!

I’ve been working on building an online course to help prepare parents of individuals with autism for the transition to adulthood. I’m currently seeking parent input to help guide its development. I’d be SO grateful if you'd take about 3 minutes to fill this survey out: [https://api.leadconnectorhq.com/widget/form/RyasQBt6ile4BNODDDxc](https://api.leadconnectorhq.com/widget/form/RyasQBt6ile4BNODDDxc)","Your survey starts by asking for full name, email and phone number. 

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"Any tips or advice for taking a 4.5 nonverbal child to a funeral? My uncle passed away and we will be going to his funeral. My son doesn’t usually sit well for functions and he has never been to a funeral before. Would it be rude to bring his tablet with headphones? Not really sure how to go about him with the funeral. Thanks for any advice. 

Edit: with headphones. Not taking him isn’t an option.","My daughter is 8, she’s non-verbal, has a chromosomal disorder, ID etc. She was 7 when my wife, her mother, passed last year. I wanted her to come to the funeral because well, in all honesty, I think I needed her there. And I think my wife would’ve wanted her there too. Also, anybody I knew who could look after my daughter was also attending my wife’s funeral. 

Before my wife’s funeral, I tried to explain as best as I could what was going to happen. In all honesty, I don’t know how much she understood, but I tried my best. I told her what a casket was, how we were saying goodbye to Mummy, how lots of people are going to be there, but they might be upset, and that’s okay. I told her I was going to be upset too, and it’s completely okay if she was too. 

My mother sat with her near the exit, if my daughter did have a complete meltdown? They could step outside. I love my daughter more than anything, but not having that responsibility definitely helped a little. My daughter didn’t have a meltdown at my wife’s funeral, I probably was
closer to one than she was. My little girl slept at my mother’s that night, my mother told me my daughter completely lost it that night. But then again, so did I. I can’t blame her.

I think maybe having a person who can leave if need be might be worth a try. Like I said, my daughter despite never having done so in her life sat through the funeral, to my amazement. That was honestly nothing short of a miracle, but I was prepared if that wasn’t the case., Clergy here. Also father of an autistic son.

A tablet and headphones is fine. You might get judgemental looks, but you are likely used to that by now. Do what your family needs to be able to participate in whatever way you can. Depending on the timing, you may want to consider giving your child a chance to experience the space before everyone arrives. Most clergy and funeral directors will work with you to be accommodating., I went to a family members funeral last year and we had my MIL help with my sons. My oldest was almost 4 and he struggled with quietly sitting in the back row. She was able to take them to a separate room, since it was at a church. 

If possible you could see if someone you know outside of the family can sit with him in a separate room or Lobby, while he uses his tablet and headphones. 

If this isn’t possible I think sitting quietly in the back with a tablet and headphones, seems like the best option., Not sure if it’ll work in this case, but we took our almost 3 year old twins to their great-aunt’s funeral a few months ago. We showed up a little early to meet some people who hadn’t met the kids yet and to catch up a little. Only stayed for the “viewing” and left before the actual funeral ceremony because they started getting antsy., Honestly, my daughter is an emotional sponge, and because tensions and emotions are already so high, she would be melting down the instant we arrived- NT people often don't even cope well in these situations. Is he super close to this uncle? If not, I'd try to find someone he can stay with for the actual service, then have him bring a tablet to any reception- that way he's still participating, but in a way that he can cope with?, Perhaps you could talk to the funeral director and see if they have any ideas. There might be an adjacent room you could sit in with the door cracked or something like that., Bring the iPad and headphones. Maybe you can find someone there that you trust who is family adjacent, like a significant other of someone who can sit with them for a half hour in a nearby room with iPad and snacks? I feel like at these kind of things there are always people who want to help however they can., I had my great grandmother die when my oldest who was about 3 (AuDHD) at the time. I bought headphones and an Ipad and he sat still for the most part and when he couldn’t I would get up and take him out into the church hallway or outside until he regulated enough to sit still again -I cried that day for two reasons and that’s ok but you’ll get through it best as you can. 

Best wishes 💫, I went to my grandmother's funeral this past Sunday. Since I also have a one year old daughter, my husband stayed outside with both of them in the church yard during the service. My brother's son is also nonverbal and the same age as mine and his twins are the same age as my daughter. So my sister-in-law stayed outside with them as well. I think they just played the whole time. Bringing him into the funeral was never an option because he sometimes yells when he gets excited and I didn't want to disturb people in mourning., we took my son to a christening last year, I ended up just taking him for a walk, when he started to lose interest (15 minutes).   
If he's able to occupy himself on the ipad, then go for it.   


Hope it goes ok., I had worked in the funeral industry for over 10 years before I had my daughter. I would call the funeral home and ask if they have a quiet room you could use and explain why you might need it. Most places will be accommodating. It's good to have kids at funerals, reminds people that there are still good things left to be happy about. Most people are pretty forgiving of a little fussing or high energy. iPad and headphones should be fine. Just sit somewhere where you can make an easy exit if needed. Also, most places will have a smoking area if you need to go outside. During the service it's usually pretty empty but probably pretty packed during a wake. I can say that I did have kids actively barging into my office (but I was near to the front) while I was on the phone with clients and it was fine. Not ideal, but when you have seen the shit I have seen nothing really phases you anymore. Life is messy. Most funeral directors have a really wacky sense of humor and are pretty easy going, unlike the stereotype., If I have to take my children to anything like a funeral or wedding, I go with a bag of little candy, like jelly beans or m and M's. Something I can put in their mouth one or two at a time and it won't be an issue. I also never give them the bag lol. Bringing a table and headphones sounds like a solid plan, if it was me and anyone says anything, I would ask them if they rather him be screaming during the whole thing because you can arrange that. , I worked a funeral home for 3 years. When there was a kid who wasn't going to be able to sit in on the service we set up a separate room to stay in. However I would get a babysitter and just not take them., It's a bad idea to take the kid there., If you really want him there but don’t want the risk of having to leave with him you can bring a respite worker to watch him. If it becomes too much they can just take him out. 

A fidget would be okay but I don’t think a tablet is appropriate., It's not a good idea to take him there. People need to grieve and say their goodbyes. You can't show up with a tablet and put YouTube videos. Someone died., I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I am glad she did well at the funeral - that gives me hope. I think having another person that can help watch would be helpful., Literally anyone he could stay with will be at the funeral, No other option., That tablet is quite likely his literal voice. I'd think AAC users ought to be able to access funerals too. I honestly expected an autistic person or relative of one to know better., Well I can’t just leave him alone. So maybe a different idea would be helpful., She sure the fuck can. Stop gate-keeping funerals. It's not disrespectful towards a dead person for a special needs child to be using a device to help them stay still/calm/regulated. This shit needs to change. Its literally fine., The  I think the tablet is the right move., You asked if it would be rudeza to take a tablet and I answered that. If you didn't want people to comment on that then don't ask people for their opinion, Not taking him isn’t an option. So I’m asking for advice on what to do and your response was not helpful at all, I don't know your kid, but I know mine.  I would say a tablet with headphones is fine UNLESS your kid is one of those (like mine) that laughs loudly or makes loud outbursts while watching the tablet.  That would potentially be really disruptive.  But if they can sit and quietly watch?  No issue., Again if even they do make noises who cares? They're a disabled child., My daughter is 8, she’s non-verbal, has a chromosomal disorder, ID etc. She was 7 when my wife, her mother, passed last year. I wanted her to come to the funeral because well, in all honesty, I think I needed her there. And I think my wife would’ve wanted her there too. Also, anybody I knew who could look after my daughter was also attending my wife’s funeral. 

Before my wife’s funeral, I tried to explain as best as I could what was going to happen. In all honesty, I don’t know how much she understood, but I tried my best. I told her what a casket was, how we were saying goodbye to Mummy, how lots of people are going to be there, but they might be upset, and that’s okay. I told her I was going to be upset too, and it’s completely okay if she was too. 

My mother sat with her near the exit, if my daughter did have a complete meltdown? They could step outside. I love my daughter more than anything, but not having that responsibility definitely helped a little. My daughter didn’t have a meltdown at my wife’s funeral, I probably was
closer to one than she was. My little girl slept at my mother’s that night, my mother told me my daughter completely lost it that night. But then again, so did I. I can’t blame her.

I think maybe having a person who can leave if need be might be worth a try. Like I said, my daughter despite never having done so in her life sat through the funeral, to my amazement. That was honestly nothing short of a miracle, but I was prepared if that wasn’t the case., Clergy here. Also father of an autistic son.

A tablet and headphones is fine. You might get judgemental looks, but you are likely used to that by now. Do what your family needs to be able to participate in whatever way you can. Depending on the timing, you may want to consider giving your child a chance to experience the space before everyone arrives. Most clergy and funeral directors will work with you to be accommodating., I went to a family members funeral last year and we had my MIL help with my sons. My oldest was almost 4 and he struggled with quietly sitting in the back row. She was able to take them to a separate room, since it was at a church. 

If possible you could see if someone you know outside of the family can sit with him in a separate room or Lobby, while he uses his tablet and headphones. 

If this isn’t possible I think sitting quietly in the back with a tablet and headphones, seems like the best option., Not sure if it’ll work in this case, but we took our almost 3 year old twins to their great-aunt’s funeral a few months ago. We showed up a little early to meet some people who hadn’t met the kids yet and to catch up a little. Only stayed for the “viewing” and left before the actual funeral ceremony because they started getting antsy., Honestly, my daughter is an emotional sponge, and because tensions and emotions are already so high, she would be melting down the instant we arrived- NT people often don't even cope well in these situations. Is he super close to this uncle? If not, I'd try to find someone he can stay with for the actual service, then have him bring a tablet to any reception- that way he's still participating, but in a way that he can cope with?, Perhaps you could talk to the funeral director and see if they have any ideas. There might be an adjacent room you could sit in with the door cracked or something like that., Bring the iPad and headphones. Maybe you can find someone there that you trust who is family adjacent, like a significant other of someone who can sit with them for a half hour in a nearby room with iPad and snacks? I feel like at these kind of things there are always people who want to help however they can., I had my great grandmother die when my oldest who was about 3 (AuDHD) at the time. I bought headphones and an Ipad and he sat still for the most part and when he couldn’t I would get up and take him out into the church hallway or outside until he regulated enough to sit still again -I cried that day for two reasons and that’s ok but you’ll get through it best as you can. 

Best wishes 💫, I went to my grandmother's funeral this past Sunday. Since I also have a one year old daughter, my husband stayed outside with both of them in the church yard during the service. My brother's son is also nonverbal and the same age as mine and his twins are the same age as my daughter. So my sister-in-law stayed outside with them as well. I think they just played the whole time. Bringing him into the funeral was never an option because he sometimes yells when he gets excited and I didn't want to disturb people in mourning., we took my son to a christening last year, I ended up just taking him for a walk, when he started to lose interest (15 minutes).   
If he's able to occupy himself on the ipad, then go for it.   


Hope it goes ok., I had worked in the funeral industry for over 10 years before I had my daughter. I would call the funeral home and ask if they have a quiet room you could use and explain why you might need it. Most places will be accommodating. It's good to have kids at funerals, reminds people that there are still good things left to be happy about. Most people are pretty forgiving of a little fussing or high energy. iPad and headphones should be fine. Just sit somewhere where you can make an easy exit if needed. Also, most places will have a smoking area if you need to go outside. During the service it's usually pretty empty but probably pretty packed during a wake. I can say that I did have kids actively barging into my office (but I was near to the front) while I was on the phone with clients and it was fine. Not ideal, but when you have seen the shit I have seen nothing really phases you anymore. Life is messy. Most funeral directors have a really wacky sense of humor and are pretty easy going, unlike the stereotype., If I have to take my children to anything like a funeral or wedding, I go with a bag of little candy, like jelly beans or m and M's. Something I can put in their mouth one or two at a time and it won't be an issue. I also never give them the bag lol. Bringing a table and headphones sounds like a solid plan, if it was me and anyone says anything, I would ask them if they rather him be screaming during the whole thing because you can arrange that. , I worked a funeral home for 3 years. When there was a kid who wasn't going to be able to sit in on the service we set up a separate room to stay in. However I would get a babysitter and just not take them., It's a bad idea to take the kid there., If you really want him there but don’t want the risk of having to leave with him you can bring a respite worker to watch him. If it becomes too much they can just take him out. 

A fidget would be okay but I don’t think a tablet is appropriate., It's not a good idea to take him there. People need to grieve and say their goodbyes. You can't show up with a tablet and put YouTube videos. Someone died., I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I am glad she did well at the funeral - that gives me hope. I think having another person that can help watch would be helpful., Literally anyone he could stay with will be at the funeral, No other option., That tablet is quite likely his literal voice. I'd think AAC users ought to be able to access funerals too. I honestly expected an autistic person or relative of one to know better., Well I can’t just leave him alone. So maybe a different idea would be helpful., She sure the fuck can. Stop gate-keeping funerals. It's not disrespectful towards a dead person for a special needs child to be using a device to help them stay still/calm/regulated. This shit needs to change. Its literally fine., The  I think the tablet is the right move., You asked if it would be rudeza to take a tablet and I answered that. If you didn't want people to comment on that then don't ask people for their opinion, Not taking him isn’t an option. So I’m asking for advice on what to do and your response was not helpful at all, I don't know your kid, but I know mine.  I would say a tablet with headphones is fine UNLESS your kid is one of those (like mine) that laughs loudly or makes loud outbursts while watching the tablet.  That would potentially be really disruptive.  But if they can sit and quietly watch?  No issue., Again if even they do make noises who cares? They're a disabled child., My daughter is 8, she’s non-verbal, has a chromosomal disorder, ID etc. She was 7 when my wife, her mother, passed last year. I wanted her to come to the funeral because well, in all honesty, I think I needed her there. And I think my wife would’ve wanted her there too. Also, anybody I knew who could look after my daughter was also attending my wife’s funeral. 

Before my wife’s funeral, I tried to explain as best as I could what was going to happen. In all honesty, I don’t know how much she understood, but I tried my best. I told her what a casket was, how we were saying goodbye to Mummy, how lots of people are going to be there, but they might be upset, and that’s okay. I told her I was going to be upset too, and it’s completely okay if she was too. 

My mother sat with her near the exit, if my daughter did have a complete meltdown? They could step outside. I love my daughter more than anything, but not having that responsibility definitely helped a little. My daughter didn’t have a meltdown at my wife’s funeral, I probably was
closer to one than she was. My little girl slept at my mother’s that night, my mother told me my daughter completely lost it that night. But then again, so did I. I can’t blame her.

I think maybe having a person who can leave if need be might be worth a try. Like I said, my daughter despite never having done so in her life sat through the funeral, to my amazement. That was honestly nothing short of a miracle, but I was prepared if that wasn’t the case., Clergy here. Also father of an autistic son.

A tablet and headphones is fine. You might get judgemental looks, but you are likely used to that by now. Do what your family needs to be able to participate in whatever way you can. Depending on the timing, you may want to consider giving your child a chance to experience the space before everyone arrives. Most clergy and funeral directors will work with you to be accommodating., I went to a family members funeral last year and we had my MIL help with my sons. My oldest was almost 4 and he struggled with quietly sitting in the back row. She was able to take them to a separate room, since it was at a church. 

If possible you could see if someone you know outside of the family can sit with him in a separate room or Lobby, while he uses his tablet and headphones. 

If this isn’t possible I think sitting quietly in the back with a tablet and headphones, seems like the best option., Not sure if it’ll work in this case, but we took our almost 3 year old twins to their great-aunt’s funeral a few months ago. We showed up a little early to meet some people who hadn’t met the kids yet and to catch up a little. Only stayed for the “viewing” and left before the actual funeral ceremony because they started getting antsy., Honestly, my daughter is an emotional sponge, and because tensions and emotions are already so high, she would be melting down the instant we arrived- NT people often don't even cope well in these situations. Is he super close to this uncle? If not, I'd try to find someone he can stay with for the actual service, then have him bring a tablet to any reception- that way he's still participating, but in a way that he can cope with?, Perhaps you could talk to the funeral director and see if they have any ideas. There might be an adjacent room you could sit in with the door cracked or something like that., Bring the iPad and headphones. Maybe you can find someone there that you trust who is family adjacent, like a significant other of someone who can sit with them for a half hour in a nearby room with iPad and snacks? I feel like at these kind of things there are always people who want to help however they can., I had my great grandmother die when my oldest who was about 3 (AuDHD) at the time. I bought headphones and an Ipad and he sat still for the most part and when he couldn’t I would get up and take him out into the church hallway or outside until he regulated enough to sit still again -I cried that day for two reasons and that’s ok but you’ll get through it best as you can. 

Best wishes 💫, I went to my grandmother's funeral this past Sunday. Since I also have a one year old daughter, my husband stayed outside with both of them in the church yard during the service. My brother's son is also nonverbal and the same age as mine and his twins are the same age as my daughter. So my sister-in-law stayed outside with them as well. I think they just played the whole time. Bringing him into the funeral was never an option because he sometimes yells when he gets excited and I didn't want to disturb people in mourning., we took my son to a christening last year, I ended up just taking him for a walk, when he started to lose interest (15 minutes).   
If he's able to occupy himself on the ipad, then go for it.   


Hope it goes ok., I had worked in the funeral industry for over 10 years before I had my daughter. I would call the funeral home and ask if they have a quiet room you could use and explain why you might need it. Most places will be accommodating. It's good to have kids at funerals, reminds people that there are still good things left to be happy about. Most people are pretty forgiving of a little fussing or high energy. iPad and headphones should be fine. Just sit somewhere where you can make an easy exit if needed. Also, most places will have a smoking area if you need to go outside. During the service it's usually pretty empty but probably pretty packed during a wake. I can say that I did have kids actively barging into my office (but I was near to the front) while I was on the phone with clients and it was fine. Not ideal, but when you have seen the shit I have seen nothing really phases you anymore. Life is messy. Most funeral directors have a really wacky sense of humor and are pretty easy going, unlike the stereotype., If I have to take my children to anything like a funeral or wedding, I go with a bag of little candy, like jelly beans or m and M's. Something I can put in their mouth one or two at a time and it won't be an issue. I also never give them the bag lol. Bringing a table and headphones sounds like a solid plan, if it was me and anyone says anything, I would ask them if they rather him be screaming during the whole thing because you can arrange that. , I worked a funeral home for 3 years. When there was a kid who wasn't going to be able to sit in on the service we set up a separate room to stay in. However I would get a babysitter and just not take them., It's a bad idea to take the kid there., If you really want him there but don’t want the risk of having to leave with him you can bring a respite worker to watch him. If it becomes too much they can just take him out. 

A fidget would be okay but I don’t think a tablet is appropriate., It's not a good idea to take him there. People need to grieve and say their goodbyes. You can't show up with a tablet and put YouTube videos. Someone died., I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I am glad she did well at the funeral - that gives me hope. I think having another person that can help watch would be helpful., Literally anyone he could stay with will be at the funeral, No other option., That tablet is quite likely his literal voice. I'd think AAC users ought to be able to access funerals too. I honestly expected an autistic person or relative of one to know better., Well I can’t just leave him alone. So maybe a different idea would be helpful., She sure the fuck can. Stop gate-keeping funerals. It's not disrespectful towards a dead person for a special needs child to be using a device to help them stay still/calm/regulated. This shit needs to change. Its literally fine., The  I think the tablet is the right move., You asked if it would be rudeza to take a tablet and I answered that. If you didn't want people to comment on that then don't ask people for their opinion, Not taking him isn’t an option. So I’m asking for advice on what to do and your response was not helpful at all, I don't know your kid, but I know mine.  I would say a tablet with headphones is fine UNLESS your kid is one of those (like mine) that laughs loudly or makes loud outbursts while watching the tablet.  That would potentially be really disruptive.  But if they can sit and quietly watch?  No issue., Again if even they do make noises who cares? They're a disabled child., My daughter is 8, she’s non-verbal, has a chromosomal disorder, ID etc. She was 7 when my wife, her mother, passed last year. I wanted her to come to the funeral because well, in all honesty, I think I needed her there. And I think my wife would’ve wanted her there too. Also, anybody I knew who could look after my daughter was also attending my wife’s funeral. 

Before my wife’s funeral, I tried to explain as best as I could what was going to happen. In all honesty, I don’t know how much she understood, but I tried my best. I told her what a casket was, how we were saying goodbye to Mummy, how lots of people are going to be there, but they might be upset, and that’s okay. I told her I was going to be upset too, and it’s completely okay if she was too. 

My mother sat with her near the exit, if my daughter did have a complete meltdown? They could step outside. I love my daughter more than anything, but not having that responsibility definitely helped a little. My daughter didn’t have a meltdown at my wife’s funeral, I probably was
closer to one than she was. My little girl slept at my mother’s that night, my mother told me my daughter completely lost it that night. But then again, so did I. I can’t blame her.

I think maybe having a person who can leave if need be might be worth a try. Like I said, my daughter despite never having done so in her life sat through the funeral, to my amazement. That was honestly nothing short of a miracle, but I was prepared if that wasn’t the case., Clergy here. Also father of an autistic son.

A tablet and headphones is fine. You might get judgemental looks, but you are likely used to that by now. Do what your family needs to be able to participate in whatever way you can. Depending on the timing, you may want to consider giving your child a chance to experience the space before everyone arrives. Most clergy and funeral directors will work with you to be accommodating., I went to a family members funeral last year and we had my MIL help with my sons. My oldest was almost 4 and he struggled with quietly sitting in the back row. She was able to take them to a separate room, since it was at a church. 

If possible you could see if someone you know outside of the family can sit with him in a separate room or Lobby, while he uses his tablet and headphones. 

If this isn’t possible I think sitting quietly in the back with a tablet and headphones, seems like the best option., Not sure if it’ll work in this case, but we took our almost 3 year old twins to their great-aunt’s funeral a few months ago. We showed up a little early to meet some people who hadn’t met the kids yet and to catch up a little. Only stayed for the “viewing” and left before the actual funeral ceremony because they started getting antsy., Honestly, my daughter is an emotional sponge, and because tensions and emotions are already so high, she would be melting down the instant we arrived- NT people often don't even cope well in these situations. Is he super close to this uncle? If not, I'd try to find someone he can stay with for the actual service, then have him bring a tablet to any reception- that way he's still participating, but in a way that he can cope with?, Perhaps you could talk to the funeral director and see if they have any ideas. There might be an adjacent room you could sit in with the door cracked or something like that., Bring the iPad and headphones. Maybe you can find someone there that you trust who is family adjacent, like a significant other of someone who can sit with them for a half hour in a nearby room with iPad and snacks? I feel like at these kind of things there are always people who want to help however they can., I had my great grandmother die when my oldest who was about 3 (AuDHD) at the time. I bought headphones and an Ipad and he sat still for the most part and when he couldn’t I would get up and take him out into the church hallway or outside until he regulated enough to sit still again -I cried that day for two reasons and that’s ok but you’ll get through it best as you can. 

Best wishes 💫, I went to my grandmother's funeral this past Sunday. Since I also have a one year old daughter, my husband stayed outside with both of them in the church yard during the service. My brother's son is also nonverbal and the same age as mine and his twins are the same age as my daughter. So my sister-in-law stayed outside with them as well. I think they just played the whole time. Bringing him into the funeral was never an option because he sometimes yells when he gets excited and I didn't want to disturb people in mourning., we took my son to a christening last year, I ended up just taking him for a walk, when he started to lose interest (15 minutes).   
If he's able to occupy himself on the ipad, then go for it.   


Hope it goes ok., I had worked in the funeral industry for over 10 years before I had my daughter. I would call the funeral home and ask if they have a quiet room you could use and explain why you might need it. Most places will be accommodating. It's good to have kids at funerals, reminds people that there are still good things left to be happy about. Most people are pretty forgiving of a little fussing or high energy. iPad and headphones should be fine. Just sit somewhere where you can make an easy exit if needed. Also, most places will have a smoking area if you need to go outside. During the service it's usually pretty empty but probably pretty packed during a wake. I can say that I did have kids actively barging into my office (but I was near to the front) while I was on the phone with clients and it was fine. Not ideal, but when you have seen the shit I have seen nothing really phases you anymore. Life is messy. Most funeral directors have a really wacky sense of humor and are pretty easy going, unlike the stereotype., If I have to take my children to anything like a funeral or wedding, I go with a bag of little candy, like jelly beans or m and M's. Something I can put in their mouth one or two at a time and it won't be an issue. I also never give them the bag lol. Bringing a table and headphones sounds like a solid plan, if it was me and anyone says anything, I would ask them if they rather him be screaming during the whole thing because you can arrange that. , I worked a funeral home for 3 years. When there was a kid who wasn't going to be able to sit in on the service we set up a separate room to stay in. However I would get a babysitter and just not take them., It's a bad idea to take the kid there., If you really want him there but don’t want the risk of having to leave with him you can bring a respite worker to watch him. If it becomes too much they can just take him out. 

A fidget would be okay but I don’t think a tablet is appropriate., It's not a good idea to take him there. People need to grieve and say their goodbyes. You can't show up with a tablet and put YouTube videos. Someone died., I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I am glad she did well at the funeral - that gives me hope. I think having another person that can help watch would be helpful., Literally anyone he could stay with will be at the funeral, No other option., That tablet is quite likely his literal voice. I'd think AAC users ought to be able to access funerals too. I honestly expected an autistic person or relative of one to know better., Well I can’t just leave him alone. So maybe a different idea would be helpful., She sure the fuck can. Stop gate-keeping funerals. It's not disrespectful towards a dead person for a special needs child to be using a device to help them stay still/calm/regulated. This shit needs to change. Its literally fine., The  I think the tablet is the right move., You asked if it would be rudeza to take a tablet and I answered that. If you didn't want people to comment on that then don't ask people for their opinion, Not taking him isn’t an option. So I’m asking for advice on what to do and your response was not helpful at all, I don't know your kid, but I know mine.  I would say a tablet with headphones is fine UNLESS your kid is one of those (like mine) that laughs loudly or makes loud outbursts while watching the tablet.  That would potentially be really disruptive.  But if they can sit and quietly watch?  No issue., Again if even they do make noises who cares? They're a disabled child.",Support,Parenting Advice
"Tips on keeping clothing/diapers on?

Hey y’all! My daughter is 4, and somewhere between a 2 and 3 on the spectrum according to her diagnosis. Potty training is ROUGH, and not really progressing, but that’s not the problem at hand.

This kid ***will not keep her clothing and diaper on***. I’m going to try different diapers, but she’s only just regressed to doing this again. I’ll get her in a dry diaper with a sensory-friendly outfit on, and she’ll settle in with her toys. 30 seconds after I leave her bedroom, she comes hauling out, totally naked.

It’s cute and funny sometimes (not that I react that way), but obviously bad in so many different situations. She’s also been peeing on the floor, even though she just stepped out of a dry diaper. 

At night, she will wake up, take her pants/onsie and diaper off and wake me up to tell me “diaper change”. So I think it’s a comfort issue, but I’m stuck at that point. So far the clothing itself isn’t the issue, or even if it’s a dry or wet diaper. Try as I might, she won’t tell me that she needs to go potty, or ***why*** she won’t keep her diaper on. I’ve tried bargaining, time outs, rewards, and I’m even considering either tape or suspenders. 

Any thoughts? I’m open to pretty much anything at this point. Thank you in advance!","duct tape is pretty good at securing diapers, and as far as clothing goes, I'd be looking at things with buttons (not snaps) that require dexterity., duct tape is pretty good at securing diapers, and as far as clothing goes, I'd be looking at things with buttons (not snaps) that require dexterity., duct tape is pretty good at securing diapers, and as far as clothing goes, I'd be looking at things with buttons (not snaps) that require dexterity., duct tape is pretty good at securing diapers, and as far as clothing goes, I'd be looking at things with buttons (not snaps) that require dexterity.",Treatment,Behavioral Challenges
"For my 4yo son who's semi-verbal...
I'm not referring to safety measures to keep him from eloping (i do have those). I'm referring to times when im with him and all he wants to do is roam. I feel like a sheepdog trying to herd him anytime we go somewhere. He's getting a little better than he used to be; if there's a playground he will now stay interested in the equipment for a few minutes. But then he'll start just trying to walk as far away as he can walk.

For example, I tried to take him along to his sister's soccer practice and I had to leave the sidelines to follow/herd him as he tried to wander around the whole complex. I take him on walks, but no matter how far we go he will melt down as soon as it's time to turn around. I can't take him anywhere unless there's a fence, and even then he'll do what I call his 'perimeter checks' the whole time (pacing the fence line).

A harness or leash doesn't really work because as soon as he feels he's being restrained he will flop on the ground and start screaming. He has to constantly be in motion. I get so jealous of families who's little ones can tag along to events or they have picnics or go to the beach... it's all a nonstarter with my little guy because he just can't be reigned in.

Does it ever go away with age? Is there any kind of exercise or therapy to help? Thanks.","I can offer you what has worked for me and my youngest, who sounds similar to your little one. 

Our youngest is 4M and semi-verbal. By that I mean he speaks a lot of nonsensical gibberish, but also knows several (mostly) recognizable words, like milk, juice, food, please, but not nearly as much as a NT 4yo. 

He is developmentally delayed, and I see him as having the curiosity of a 2 year old, but with the physicality of a 4 year old and can cover a lot of ground. He loves to wander and gets pissed when we place any kind of boundary or restriction, to the point of becoming destructive (throwing, headbutting, biting, etc). 

I think the majority of his frustration comes from both not fully understanding us and not feeling understood (because of his lack of vocabulary). To help bridge this gap in understanding, my wife and I have been teaching him sign language. Seeing signs like “all done” and “one more minute” has helped him to mentally prepare that we are ending one activity and moving on to something else. It has taken time to instill this and help him relate signs and words to what’s happening in real life, and it hasn’t shut down tantrums completely, but noticeably reduced them. 

I’m not sure if this will help you in your situation, but I certainly hope it sparks some helpful thoughts., I can offer you what has worked for me and my youngest, who sounds similar to your little one. 

Our youngest is 4M and semi-verbal. By that I mean he speaks a lot of nonsensical gibberish, but also knows several (mostly) recognizable words, like milk, juice, food, please, but not nearly as much as a NT 4yo. 

He is developmentally delayed, and I see him as having the curiosity of a 2 year old, but with the physicality of a 4 year old and can cover a lot of ground. He loves to wander and gets pissed when we place any kind of boundary or restriction, to the point of becoming destructive (throwing, headbutting, biting, etc). 

I think the majority of his frustration comes from both not fully understanding us and not feeling understood (because of his lack of vocabulary). To help bridge this gap in understanding, my wife and I have been teaching him sign language. Seeing signs like “all done” and “one more minute” has helped him to mentally prepare that we are ending one activity and moving on to something else. It has taken time to instill this and help him relate signs and words to what’s happening in real life, and it hasn’t shut down tantrums completely, but noticeably reduced them. 

I’m not sure if this will help you in your situation, but I certainly hope it sparks some helpful thoughts., I can offer you what has worked for me and my youngest, who sounds similar to your little one. 

Our youngest is 4M and semi-verbal. By that I mean he speaks a lot of nonsensical gibberish, but also knows several (mostly) recognizable words, like milk, juice, food, please, but not nearly as much as a NT 4yo. 

He is developmentally delayed, and I see him as having the curiosity of a 2 year old, but with the physicality of a 4 year old and can cover a lot of ground. He loves to wander and gets pissed when we place any kind of boundary or restriction, to the point of becoming destructive (throwing, headbutting, biting, etc). 

I think the majority of his frustration comes from both not fully understanding us and not feeling understood (because of his lack of vocabulary). To help bridge this gap in understanding, my wife and I have been teaching him sign language. Seeing signs like “all done” and “one more minute” has helped him to mentally prepare that we are ending one activity and moving on to something else. It has taken time to instill this and help him relate signs and words to what’s happening in real life, and it hasn’t shut down tantrums completely, but noticeably reduced them. 

I’m not sure if this will help you in your situation, but I certainly hope it sparks some helpful thoughts., I can offer you what has worked for me and my youngest, who sounds similar to your little one. 

Our youngest is 4M and semi-verbal. By that I mean he speaks a lot of nonsensical gibberish, but also knows several (mostly) recognizable words, like milk, juice, food, please, but not nearly as much as a NT 4yo. 

He is developmentally delayed, and I see him as having the curiosity of a 2 year old, but with the physicality of a 4 year old and can cover a lot of ground. He loves to wander and gets pissed when we place any kind of boundary or restriction, to the point of becoming destructive (throwing, headbutting, biting, etc). 

I think the majority of his frustration comes from both not fully understanding us and not feeling understood (because of his lack of vocabulary). To help bridge this gap in understanding, my wife and I have been teaching him sign language. Seeing signs like “all done” and “one more minute” has helped him to mentally prepare that we are ending one activity and moving on to something else. It has taken time to instill this and help him relate signs and words to what’s happening in real life, and it hasn’t shut down tantrums completely, but noticeably reduced them. 

I’m not sure if this will help you in your situation, but I certainly hope it sparks some helpful thoughts.",Support,Elopement
"My son is very hyperactive can only sit down for 30 seconds without electronics. Without his gadget he only walks around clapping, jumping, laughing fits and bolting. He eats healthy and drinks lots of water. He eats a bar of dark chocolate a day. I take him for daily walks and he goes swimming three times a week. He is 10y, low verbal and diagonsed with autism ( uses his words only for asking) Hes been taking abilify for 6 months and its doing absolutely nothing. The doctor suggested respirdone and i told him no thank you. Im stopping the abilify. I wanted ritalin but the doctor didnt like his ecg charts. 

Dear parents, who have tried supplements that worked for hyperactivity can you please let me know their names? He is been doing aba therapy since he was two years old helping with behavior not the hyperness.

Please help. Thanks for reading. 



","Ok, may not be related but going to throw my 2cents in here just in case it helps.   My son was VERY ACTIVE but also a TERRIBLE sleeper that had night terrors.  Ended up that he had restless leg syndrome from low magnesium and low iron, once we started supplementing with iron/mag then he didn't kick in his sleep and didn't wake up during the night.  His daytime activity has gone down DRAMATICALLY!  Honestly, iron/magnesium and an omega 3 have made the biggest difference for us.....and avoiding food dyes, because those make him a feral animal., Because my son can't swallow pills, we were limited to only one type of ADHD medication we could try...and it did nothing for him.

I now use medical marijuana to help his hyperactivity and it works very well for him. It is legal in my state with a medical card, so I have a caregiver card for him since he is unable to purchase it for himself. 

I am not sure if you are in a place where you can access it...but that is what works for us., Following. Meeting with an integrative holistic dr to see what they say., We did keto for nuro development. It did help some. We also provide times of day where he has to be more active (miracle league is just amazing for that too). There is still running around and lots of stims, but they are more manageable than they were. 

Medicine wise, Clonidine has also worked well for him., [removed], I don’t know about supplements but have some strategies to try! I would look into “heavy work” activities (activities that push or pull the body like pushing a grocery cart, hanging from monkey bars). The app “Therapeutic Listening” has albums to improve regulation, motor movements, interactions, and executive function. He may benefit from the “collective focus” or “Vivaldi” albums twice a day. Has he gotten a sleep study? Not getting optimal sleep may affect his hyperactivity. Sleep can be affected by mouth breathing, restless leg syndrome, sleep apnea, etc. You could also try a weighted vest in 15-20 minute increments a few times a day. An OT may be able to give more information and specific strategies like these! Hope this helps! , Could be ADHD. It's common comorbidity, and we are having the sand problem. Short of medicating, I don't believe there's much we can do., We put my sons adhd meds in a popsicle. Works every time., This comment/post has been removed as spam. Please do not repost the content, if your content has been removed in error, please contact the moderation team. 

Repeated violations will result in a ban, bot accounts or flagrant violations of the no spam policy will result in a ban., My son will not eat popsicles or ice cream or applesauce or yogurt or any of the sort. I could get the meds into him perfectly fine using a dropper but the meds themselves did nothing for him., Dang., Ok, may not be related but going to throw my 2cents in here just in case it helps.   My son was VERY ACTIVE but also a TERRIBLE sleeper that had night terrors.  Ended up that he had restless leg syndrome from low magnesium and low iron, once we started supplementing with iron/mag then he didn't kick in his sleep and didn't wake up during the night.  His daytime activity has gone down DRAMATICALLY!  Honestly, iron/magnesium and an omega 3 have made the biggest difference for us.....and avoiding food dyes, because those make him a feral animal., Because my son can't swallow pills, we were limited to only one type of ADHD medication we could try...and it did nothing for him.

I now use medical marijuana to help his hyperactivity and it works very well for him. It is legal in my state with a medical card, so I have a caregiver card for him since he is unable to purchase it for himself. 

I am not sure if you are in a place where you can access it...but that is what works for us., Following. Meeting with an integrative holistic dr to see what they say., We did keto for nuro development. It did help some. We also provide times of day where he has to be more active (miracle league is just amazing for that too). There is still running around and lots of stims, but they are more manageable than they were. 

Medicine wise, Clonidine has also worked well for him., [removed], I don’t know about supplements but have some strategies to try! I would look into “heavy work” activities (activities that push or pull the body like pushing a grocery cart, hanging from monkey bars). The app “Therapeutic Listening” has albums to improve regulation, motor movements, interactions, and executive function. He may benefit from the “collective focus” or “Vivaldi” albums twice a day. Has he gotten a sleep study? Not getting optimal sleep may affect his hyperactivity. Sleep can be affected by mouth breathing, restless leg syndrome, sleep apnea, etc. You could also try a weighted vest in 15-20 minute increments a few times a day. An OT may be able to give more information and specific strategies like these! Hope this helps! , Could be ADHD. It's common comorbidity, and we are having the sand problem. Short of medicating, I don't believe there's much we can do., We put my sons adhd meds in a popsicle. Works every time., This comment/post has been removed as spam. Please do not repost the content, if your content has been removed in error, please contact the moderation team. 

Repeated violations will result in a ban, bot accounts or flagrant violations of the no spam policy will result in a ban., My son will not eat popsicles or ice cream or applesauce or yogurt or any of the sort. I could get the meds into him perfectly fine using a dropper but the meds themselves did nothing for him., Dang., Ok, may not be related but going to throw my 2cents in here just in case it helps.   My son was VERY ACTIVE but also a TERRIBLE sleeper that had night terrors.  Ended up that he had restless leg syndrome from low magnesium and low iron, once we started supplementing with iron/mag then he didn't kick in his sleep and didn't wake up during the night.  His daytime activity has gone down DRAMATICALLY!  Honestly, iron/magnesium and an omega 3 have made the biggest difference for us.....and avoiding food dyes, because those make him a feral animal., Because my son can't swallow pills, we were limited to only one type of ADHD medication we could try...and it did nothing for him.

I now use medical marijuana to help his hyperactivity and it works very well for him. It is legal in my state with a medical card, so I have a caregiver card for him since he is unable to purchase it for himself. 

I am not sure if you are in a place where you can access it...but that is what works for us., Following. Meeting with an integrative holistic dr to see what they say., We did keto for nuro development. It did help some. We also provide times of day where he has to be more active (miracle league is just amazing for that too). There is still running around and lots of stims, but they are more manageable than they were. 

Medicine wise, Clonidine has also worked well for him., [removed], I don’t know about supplements but have some strategies to try! I would look into “heavy work” activities (activities that push or pull the body like pushing a grocery cart, hanging from monkey bars). The app “Therapeutic Listening” has albums to improve regulation, motor movements, interactions, and executive function. He may benefit from the “collective focus” or “Vivaldi” albums twice a day. Has he gotten a sleep study? Not getting optimal sleep may affect his hyperactivity. Sleep can be affected by mouth breathing, restless leg syndrome, sleep apnea, etc. You could also try a weighted vest in 15-20 minute increments a few times a day. An OT may be able to give more information and specific strategies like these! Hope this helps! , Could be ADHD. It's common comorbidity, and we are having the sand problem. Short of medicating, I don't believe there's much we can do., We put my sons adhd meds in a popsicle. Works every time., This comment/post has been removed as spam. Please do not repost the content, if your content has been removed in error, please contact the moderation team. 

Repeated violations will result in a ban, bot accounts or flagrant violations of the no spam policy will result in a ban., My son will not eat popsicles or ice cream or applesauce or yogurt or any of the sort. I could get the meds into him perfectly fine using a dropper but the meds themselves did nothing for him., Dang., Ok, may not be related but going to throw my 2cents in here just in case it helps.   My son was VERY ACTIVE but also a TERRIBLE sleeper that had night terrors.  Ended up that he had restless leg syndrome from low magnesium and low iron, once we started supplementing with iron/mag then he didn't kick in his sleep and didn't wake up during the night.  His daytime activity has gone down DRAMATICALLY!  Honestly, iron/magnesium and an omega 3 have made the biggest difference for us.....and avoiding food dyes, because those make him a feral animal., Because my son can't swallow pills, we were limited to only one type of ADHD medication we could try...and it did nothing for him.

I now use medical marijuana to help his hyperactivity and it works very well for him. It is legal in my state with a medical card, so I have a caregiver card for him since he is unable to purchase it for himself. 

I am not sure if you are in a place where you can access it...but that is what works for us., Following. Meeting with an integrative holistic dr to see what they say., We did keto for nuro development. It did help some. We also provide times of day where he has to be more active (miracle league is just amazing for that too). There is still running around and lots of stims, but they are more manageable than they were. 

Medicine wise, Clonidine has also worked well for him., [removed], I don’t know about supplements but have some strategies to try! I would look into “heavy work” activities (activities that push or pull the body like pushing a grocery cart, hanging from monkey bars). The app “Therapeutic Listening” has albums to improve regulation, motor movements, interactions, and executive function. He may benefit from the “collective focus” or “Vivaldi” albums twice a day. Has he gotten a sleep study? Not getting optimal sleep may affect his hyperactivity. Sleep can be affected by mouth breathing, restless leg syndrome, sleep apnea, etc. You could also try a weighted vest in 15-20 minute increments a few times a day. An OT may be able to give more information and specific strategies like these! Hope this helps! , Could be ADHD. It's common comorbidity, and we are having the sand problem. Short of medicating, I don't believe there's much we can do., We put my sons adhd meds in a popsicle. Works every time., This comment/post has been removed as spam. Please do not repost the content, if your content has been removed in error, please contact the moderation team. 

Repeated violations will result in a ban, bot accounts or flagrant violations of the no spam policy will result in a ban., My son will not eat popsicles or ice cream or applesauce or yogurt or any of the sort. I could get the meds into him perfectly fine using a dropper but the meds themselves did nothing for him., Dang.",Treatment,Medication
"Title says it.

With the 24/7 wrangling, spilled cups, poop all over the carpet, endless stimming, complete lack of danger, eloping, aggressive tendencies etc….

Just ready for some real progress, he will be 6 in April. ","I totally understand. My son is 5, also n/v and tended to smear not too long ago. 

I found some backward onesies that really helped with the poop issues, and what worked for us for stimming was really gearing his room towards him. 

When my wife gets home, I'll send the link for the onsies. But for his room, we did this. 

Wall mounted and well secured busy board. He gives him something to play with when he's in a more ""touchy but calm"" mood. 

Crashpad. Gives him something to jump onto that is safe. 

Bed. Where he sleeps, of course. 

He also has some safe non-choking hazard toys, and his bed is slightly elevated so he can jump from the bed onto the crash pad. Most of the rest of his toys are out in the living room, so he can have them when he's feeling like hanging out with us. 

I know you're struggling, and it's super hard. We've got your back in this sub, and we always have a shoulder, whether you need it to cry on or lift you up to celebrate one of the victories., Mine is 11 and we always end every day defeated. He's verbal but everyday is the same., The day to day can be rough, especially with kids with higher support needs. 

 Is your son enrolled in school or therapy? 

What has been your plan for these things. 

We faced a lot of these things a while back and wotj work on them we have seen improvements. 

I agree with the other reply about the backward onsies as that can help. But also knowing when your son likes to go #2 is handy as I learned even though I liked my 15 minutes to calmly wake up, the end result of my son being awake but quiet in his room could lead to disaster.   

Eloping and safety will be different for everyone. 
My son was leaving his room constantly at bedtime.  We put a door knob cover on his door, and now he sleeps like a baby. 
We also did this for all the other doors , and our windows have the extra little lock that pops out for only lifting windows open so far.  

Stimming and running and making mess we found were all sensory related.   We made sure to have a focused effort on all sensory things. Playdoh. Water. Sand.  Shaving cream in shower. 

Vestibular stimulation with swings and yoga balls helped, too. 

My son diagnosed level 3 and is non speaking just recently has been mainly potty trained.  We recently have gone to no diapers at home and aba therapy. He's done very well.

Until recently, we were in pull-ups 24 7 and only some potty #1.   
Have you had any success with trying ?, Just figured out my 3yo probably has an ear infection about two hours ago. It took this long to get him medicine and calmed down. He pointed to his ear while crying though. He did it several times. It's the very first time he has ever communicated by pointing. I'm exhausted, and so damn proud it's making me teary., 100%. Feeling that exact way in this exact moment., Feeling a little down myself. My 6yo son had a pretty solid day until a little while ago. My wife tipped her scale over something I find kind of petty and my son got a little bent out of shape. Long story short, bathtime was a little unsettled and he reverted to hitting me (something I thought we were turning the corner on) and attempted some head banging, which has ME totally bent of shape; dying for this head banging to stop. Right now, it's 10:57 PM and he is in his room, wide awake, totally fighting to stay up. It is what it is. I torture myself a little by playing back all of my missteps of the day in an attempt to be better next time (mixed results.) Gotta focus on tomorrow and how I will respond to his challenges., I must say I feel for you. I lost my marbles last night and hollered at all the kids. I feel awful. Today I will be better… I tell this myself every morning. I have to be a better and more patient mom, How does he do with sensory play? Shaving cream, oobleck, salt dough, anything squishy that's making a mess might help meet his sensory needs without the poop smearing. You can try adding some strong scents to them, so he gets olfactory sensory input too., Feeling this. Super similar situation., I feel defeated by my 5 year old daughter to at times . So understand your pain . All you do as parent is the best you can do and also take time for yourself as well ., Oh it’s a lot and can really get a bit much some time! Definitely try to restrict access with his clothes to stop smearing, backwards onesies, bodysuits underneath their clothes, compression clothing. If it’s sensory related then try sensory activities to meet the need and hopefully lessen the smearing! Eloping, have you tried reins? Stimming isn’t a bad thing at all! It’s great for regulation! Try take 5/10 minutes for yourself each day. Easier said than done I know!, Aba saved us when it came to potty training he’s 8 now still non verbal but has been potty trained since 5. He’s aggressive and hits people at school but we took one thing at a time and concentrated on that one thing we wanted him to learn.. it’s so hard and I can’t tell you I don’t cry but with time and practice it will get easier we recently just started to take him to the grocery store .. it use to be a night mare but not he loves it .. gets a bit impatient but he’s learning to handle .. we see a alternative dr and he takes cbd which is a hugeeeeee help .. hang in there.. just know you are strong and with love and support believe tomorrow it will get easier.. don’t forget to take time for urself even if it’s a 15 min quiet shower or bath where you can take a breather, 💜🙏 feel this, How does he do with sensory play? Shaving cream, oobleck, salt dough, anything squishy that's making a mess might help meet his sensory needs without the poop smearing. You can try adding some strong scents to them, so he gets olfactory sensory input too., How does he do with sensory play? Shaving cream, oobleck, salt dough, anything squishy that's making a mess might help meet his sensory needs without the poop smearing. You can try adding some strong scents to them, so he gets olfactory sensory input too., Ever think about a FRAT test?

https://www.fratnow.com/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=FRAT_Search_ads_campaign__MOFU+BOFU&utm_term=frat%20test&utm_content=frat_test&gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQiA84CvBhCaARIsAMkAvkJoYZ4s__2mJajZYc-GDKAkkPUM7NL0ja0xlHdOH5YDZcFCQ5y768AaAo9dEALw_wcB, https://terrible2s.com/products/strip-proof-toddler-rompers-with-a-back-zipper-in-blue-white

These onesies are backward zipping and really helpful for my family., Yes. Absolutely. Every day I get up and tell myself that today will be different than the previous day and it isn't. My boy is around 2.5 now and while some behaviors/verbalization have gotten better, some of it has gotten much worse. I completely understand the boat you're in if that's any consolation., Just was taking my son to school and one of adults had her dogs off the leash and were running towards my son, he got of course scared and started crying.

Guess what ? She blamed me for not socializing around dogs. Exchanged couple of polite words with her...

Am I supposed to make my son love dogs? Why people cant keep their dogs on leash?, Hey all 😊 I've mentioned this on another post here once, but I would suggest looking into a heavy metal detox for your son! I learned about it from a bunch if parents talking about it on tiktok.. but anyway.. I used it on my son who was nonverbal and is FINALLY starting to really use his words and form small sentences and phrases.. when I say this spray was a game changer for my kid.. I mean it was a GAME CHANGER!  It's called TOUCHSTONE ESSENTIALS. It's deff not cheap but 100%worth it . Do some research on it and see if you think your kid could benefit from it. I'm not saying my kid is talking clear as a bell or goes out of his way to talk but he finally WILL talk if you take the time to get down on his level and give him a moment . Also as far as sleep goes.. I recently found  a magnesium lotion you put on your kids feet and it helps them sleep naturally through the night! It's called ""8 SHEEP ORGANICS"", Everyday. 4y/o nonverbal learned how to pull down diaper inside onsie then take a shit. I feel your pain I'm so sick of poopies., are you doing any speech therapy with him?   
  
the progress is slow, but in the last 6 months, we've managed to get to the point where my son, stops, if we ask him to. it takes time and energy and practise but even a small win, feels like a massive win., I'll elaborate later, but getting this notification makes me feel like I'm not alone (not that it's a good thing!)., We've stuck to sippy cups with hard straws, onesies always on backwards for the 3 that've smeared, double child gates for both exits from the living room and hook and eye to keep the older kids in their bedroom at night.

We're lucky enough to both be ft carers to them, they do have words but would still be classed as level 3, decent SEN school and an above average nursery have helped a lot, as has multiple kindles for our eldest (7y.o.) and the right programs on YouTube for the other 3. 

Missus has fibro and AuDHD resulting in chronic sleep problems so I do most of the supervision and school/nursery runs, house is always a bomb site which does her nut but I mostly shrug it off as long as there's no hazards.

Honestly, it is stressful, but compared to the life where I had nothing but shitty jobs, a family that effectively denied me getting diagnosed and blamed me for the issues I was having, housing instability and ultimately homelessness, this life feels like my reward for sticking that out, lol., Following. My daughter will reach for her feces every single time if I’m not quick enough to change her diaper. I’m interested in the onesies., Appreciate you stranger !!

I’ve recently found how much the talking and sharing alone can help., I have to do a onesie and added a compression vest because he could shimmy his skinny butt out of it., Sending positive vibes your way, knowing there is  shared misery seems to help somehow lol, He is currently in M-F ABA therapy and has been since 2.

Thanks for your suggestions!!!, This is so great! Not that he has an ear infection for the purposely obtuse 🙄 but that communication on how he feels. I'd give anything to get here with my son 😭 so happy for you! And I hope he feels better soon., Hugs , we’re not alone, You sound like an incredible parent, Therapy always says he’s not giving you a hard Time he’s having a hard time.

Keeping that mindset is so hard but important, Sending positive vibes your way mom/ dad.


You got this .


You’re not alone, Mine eats the messy things :/ she loves them but immediately puts them in her mouth. It doesn't matter how icky they taste, either! So defeating., Duck man, just get me outta diapers lol.


He did poop in the toilet at my moms today which is HUGE, hope it’s a sign of things to come but not holding my breath.

Positive vibes your way stranger, https://terrible2s.com/products/strip-proof-toddler-rompers-with-a-back-zipper-in-blue-white

I'll also post them in the main comment section, but I wanted to make sure you saw it., It really is great, I know it helped me when I first got here. I was a mess., The best part about these ones is my LO hasn't figured that out with this brand yet. I think it's due to the fabric being less stretchy, but also because we've (my wife and I) gotten better and better about frequent comfort check with little man., Thanks it actually helps a bit or maybe a lot while I'm going through an episode with him to remember all of you that go through the same misery. Gives me a bit of strength., Absolutely. But he’s literally into anything 24/7. When he doesn’t get his way he gets vindictive and tries to gauge my eyes out. ABA says just ignore it. So I’m trying that now. Who cares if I go blind? lol, Have you tried making edible messes? Jello, edible dough, stuff like that can be fun for sensory play and safe to eat. You could try finding some icky flavorings as well., I hope he keeps up on the potty and you can get away from diapers. My 7 y/o is level 2, he goes potty and cleans himself but only when he feels like it cuz he knows if he poops in his diaper someone has to clean it., Thank you!!, Sending compassion and empathy; hit a breaking point tonight and it helps to let others know we are not alone (despite what Instagram might tell us 😜), Man,

I feel that, any push back or nos we give our boy he comes right for the face.

Pretty defeating … 

Sending good vibes your way stranger, We went the other way with it by giving her messy time in the bath since it's the only time she doesn't put everything in her mouth. I did just find an ick flavor we're going to try but edible messes sound like fun so maybe we'll try that!! We just worry about the distinction between what is OK to eat and what isn't lol the icky stuff should help with that though 🤞, Of course. These ones work best for my LO because they're comfortable and not too warm. It was definitely trial and error for the brands., Aww thank you! Same to you. I’m all about good vibes. I call him my “sweet & sour boy”.",Support,Parenting Challenges
"I called them today, considering this for my 2 year old but soooo expensive. What is your experience?","No proven positive outcomes long term and isn’t a qualified or supported treatment plan for autistic people. It’s not even meant for autistic people. It’s FDA approved for depression and even that has wonky outcomes. It’s essentially just a money grab for desperate parents. It also can cause seizures which autistic people are more vulnerable to, anyways. Nothing can cure autism., 😞 
I am sure there is no cure I was just hoping it would help a little with speech, that’s what they are claiming. I saw some positive comments about it but nowadays you don’t know if you can trust anyone on the internet. Well, thanks for sharing, I hope more people will share their experiences, I’m not sure why they are claiming it would help with speech-that’s blatant false advertising. There’s no way it would help with speech. It wouldn’t affect anything to do with speech. The only possible upsides I could see being remotely achievable are a very slight relief in symptoms such as self harm, anger, impulse dysregulation etc. for a very short period of time - meaning you’d have to get it probably quarterly for many years to have any kind of solid effect., No proven positive outcomes long term and isn’t a qualified or supported treatment plan for autistic people. It’s not even meant for autistic people. It’s FDA approved for depression and even that has wonky outcomes. It’s essentially just a money grab for desperate parents. It also can cause seizures which autistic people are more vulnerable to, anyways. Nothing can cure autism., 😞 
I am sure there is no cure I was just hoping it would help a little with speech, that’s what they are claiming. I saw some positive comments about it but nowadays you don’t know if you can trust anyone on the internet. Well, thanks for sharing, I hope more people will share their experiences, I’m not sure why they are claiming it would help with speech-that’s blatant false advertising. There’s no way it would help with speech. It wouldn’t affect anything to do with speech. The only possible upsides I could see being remotely achievable are a very slight relief in symptoms such as self harm, anger, impulse dysregulation etc. for a very short period of time - meaning you’d have to get it probably quarterly for many years to have any kind of solid effect., No proven positive outcomes long term and isn’t a qualified or supported treatment plan for autistic people. It’s not even meant for autistic people. It’s FDA approved for depression and even that has wonky outcomes. It’s essentially just a money grab for desperate parents. It also can cause seizures which autistic people are more vulnerable to, anyways. Nothing can cure autism., 😞 
I am sure there is no cure I was just hoping it would help a little with speech, that’s what they are claiming. I saw some positive comments about it but nowadays you don’t know if you can trust anyone on the internet. Well, thanks for sharing, I hope more people will share their experiences, I’m not sure why they are claiming it would help with speech-that’s blatant false advertising. There’s no way it would help with speech. It wouldn’t affect anything to do with speech. The only possible upsides I could see being remotely achievable are a very slight relief in symptoms such as self harm, anger, impulse dysregulation etc. for a very short period of time - meaning you’d have to get it probably quarterly for many years to have any kind of solid effect., No proven positive outcomes long term and isn’t a qualified or supported treatment plan for autistic people. It’s not even meant for autistic people. It’s FDA approved for depression and even that has wonky outcomes. It’s essentially just a money grab for desperate parents. It also can cause seizures which autistic people are more vulnerable to, anyways. Nothing can cure autism., 😞 
I am sure there is no cure I was just hoping it would help a little with speech, that’s what they are claiming. I saw some positive comments about it but nowadays you don’t know if you can trust anyone on the internet. Well, thanks for sharing, I hope more people will share their experiences, I’m not sure why they are claiming it would help with speech-that’s blatant false advertising. There’s no way it would help with speech. It wouldn’t affect anything to do with speech. The only possible upsides I could see being remotely achievable are a very slight relief in symptoms such as self harm, anger, impulse dysregulation etc. for a very short period of time - meaning you’d have to get it probably quarterly for many years to have any kind of solid effect.",Support,Therapy Costs
Any tips? Positive stories?,"The kid of one of my best friends didn't speak until he was 6. I'm not sure at what age he became conversational, but he's 12 now and fully fluent. Gives me hope for my own kid (about to turn 3)., Copy/paste:

""My son started talking a bit at 5 and a half. Every new word was (and is) so amazing to hear. I don't know if he'll ever ""catch up"" to converse at his age appropriate level, I doubt it tbh.
I know the feeling of hurt when seeing other children his age reaching their verbal and emotional milestones while my child doesn't,  but I am also blessed with a (almost always) happy and easygoing kid. 
He has his meltdowns,  but overall I am blessed. 
I expect nothing, so every new ability is a gift."", My son is 8 and is just starting to get a burst of language. Not sentences but he is now able to say what things are when asked, etc. A year ago he was just babbling., I always see videos autistic adults saying they even started much later (12 or 13) so never give up hope., My child began talking at 6, prior to that, she would meow or repeat some words (echolalia). Now she can have full conversations! Her speech sentence structure can be jumbled up or she will forget to add words in, plus, she has lisp, but overall, she has come such a long way!!, My son is 6 and he has JUST started speaking spontaneously after years of speech therapy. He can speak full sentences if he feels like it but it usually requires some prompting from us as he’s got an intermix language disorder. I also used to work as an RBT and with mostly non verbal/high support kiddos. Because of my background, I stopped pushing my kiddo to verbalize so much when I realized he literally just couldn’t sound out his words and it was causing a lot of frustrations. So I started accepting approximations and shaped the words with him. If he asked for juice and he says “ju” I’ll take it, and I’ll help him sound out the words. Eventually it’ll build up to the complete word. Patience is key! Continue talking to your kiddo with the intent that they understand what you’re saying. They absorb so much more than we think they do. My kid surprises me with how much language he’s got build up in his beautiful little brain! Pictures also help kiddos with speech delays. Being able to visualize and hear what word and what item it matches to really helps., My son wasn't able to communicate in sentences until after 5. He wasn't understood by most people just using basic words until after 5 as well. He's 6 1/2 now and can communicate so much better. I attribute this to natural development, and not necessarily anything special that was done for him. I have mostly always anticipated his needs. 

For a long time no one knew what he thought or wanted, and then for an even longer time, I was the only one who could communicate with him, even when it was very limited at times. His language explosion happened on his timeline. His IEP includes speech enrichment, but it's never been necessary or really a piece in his story. 

The most frustrating thing, in my experience, is there is no norm or known expectation. Do not give up hope on a young child is my best advice. None of us have any idea what a person is capable of, so the only thing we can do is not give up and still try to find ways to communicate and grow together., My son had probably less than 10 words at the age of 4. Speech Therapy and ABA helped him turn around. He just turned 11 yesterday and he can speak fluently now., I can’t find the post now but there was an AMA with an adult yesterday who is autistic and has ADHD. They said they didn’t start talking until age 5 and now as an adult has a job working with antiques which is their special interest., Kind started talking at 5 too,he was only mumbling and using one two words before that but I was very surprised when he finally did..still am everyday.he is our miracle.I think being in mainstream school did it for him and I supplemented with Magnesium and Best OMEGAs for brain function., my best friend's brother didn't talk at all and then just randomly started talking around the age of 5. everytime i see him he talks our ears off. my brother is turning four this month and is still babbling and not actually talking but two days ago he said ""it's locked"" (repeated it four times) and yesterday he said ""i love you"" (repeated it multiple times). his speech wasn't fully clear and it was like he was forcing the words out. but for the most part, he doesn't talk just makes random noises. but we have some hope now., Thank you to everyone for providing the hope I needed for today! My daughter will be 5 in one month and has a lot of words via echolacia- but minimal for communication. She can say more, all done, with meaning but every thing else is echolacia. It doesn’t she’ll that she was born with a cleft palate and hearing loss. Again- thank you for hope!, Have a patient who started speaking at 15.

Have an acquaintance who started at 12., My son is 4.5 and has words/scripts, but they’re not intelligible to most people and it’s not conversational. While he’s technically “verbal”, it’s still frustrating to him that others don’t understand so there’s a lot of whining too. I’m holding on to hope his sounds (f, s, t, etc) so he’s intelligible and his words come. I think he’s a gestalt speaker so he’s in stage 1/2 now., My son said his first word ""milk"" at age 9, but is still pretty much nonverbal, My kids did start speaking between 2 and 5.. my oldest is turning 9 and has limited phrase speech. My youngest can speak single words. They have classmates who started speaking at 6 and beyond. 

My advocate's children didn't speak until after 6. One was ""not verbal"" at 12, conversational by 18.

Late speakers are just poorly researched., Yes, my son is 9, and his voice is just coming out now. He understands what we say, so I would not call him non-verbal. I like the term, verbal-reluctant. The point is, we never gave up. You can't. Just focus on the next step and keep moving forward. Some days are hard, some are a dream, but I would not give up a second with my children. Even if you have to break down the steps into bite-size lessons, that's fine. Do whatever it takes and stay strong. You know what is the right thing to do. Most of all, make sure they know you love them and you will not give up until things get better., Yes!! My daughter’s autism was so severe, the specialist, whom diagnosed her, spent less than 15 minutes with her before she said “Ya she’s definitely Autistic”. Lol… Testing usually takes 4 days. My daughter spoke unusually early, and by the time she was 2. She had lost all her speech and words, and replaced it with the oddest, incessant high pitched noises I have ever heard. A complete personality change, too. Soooo, My family started learning ASL, with her. Then the delayed echolalia started, along with songs. Then she said “I love my diapers” when I started potty training her and hid the diapers at 6 years old… That was it. It’s like she was collecting words for future use. She’s currently in highschool, and she has no problem voicing her opinions! Trust the process, and loooooove your child. Have a routine give a lot of praise and encouragement. She taught herself to read by using the iPad, and created an email account to create a YouTube account. She was 4!!! I watched her do this. Put ur child in positions, where they can be independent. Don’t help unless they ask or motion for it. Read books everyday to them and always have the closed captioning on the TV. 

You got this!! Good luck!!, Me! Me right here! My boy just turned five May 2. And in April I feel like we have had the most breakthrough. It ain't perfect. But it's a heck of a lot better than just a year ago. My son only used to grunt, yell and occasionally copy words from songs. I decided to take an LOA last year so I have one on one time with my son, growing up I always labeled everything in one to two words. And the older he got I started piecing in extra words.

Every word that he learned and associated to the item was a celebration. I have a certain clap pattern that he looks forward to knowing that he did something right.

My son is very food motivated so I feel like once he learned the names of the food he loves, of course it's rewarding to get it? So I feel like he connected the dots. And now if he wants anything that he doesn't know the name for I ask him ""show mommy."" Sometimes it takes 15 minutes sometimes it'll take 30 minutes of scavenging the kitchen with him. But once we find the item we label it and we celebrate it. So the next time he knows what he's talking about. Even if he says the word incorrectly but close, then I will clarify it for him and celebrate it again. I feel like this has given me the most reward.


Once he was able to comprehend this potty training was nothing. But I would like to keep in mind that my son is very sensitive to certain sensory. And does not like to feel wet diapers or things like that as it is. I completely ditch the diaper and let him whittle on himself one time, he wanted the toilet every time afterwards. 


I was also able to compare the growth of him overall mentally with his other brothers who were raised the SAME way because I have two older sons that are Nuro typical 13,10. And I notice that he is doing everything they are, as far as functionality, just feels like he's two/ three years behind. So generally if he's five now I try to give him the patience I would with a three-year-old which is a lot. But they need it to learn. I noticed that when I get upset even if it's just in my face. It would negatively affect him.

But every child is an individual. So your best bet is to learn your child's patterns. What do they reciprocate bus to as a reward? What do you notice distress is them when and if you react negatively?

We are animals at the end of the day and we really need to be in tune with our most primal instincts, reading body language and adapting, I feel like when it comes to Neuro divergent children., One of my twins was using PECS on an ipad and in diapers until 5. No one expected him to ever speak. He's in an autistic school and has lots of different therapists on staff. Then things started improving. He's 7 now and speaks a lot! We don't understand each other all the time but he's got a lot of words now and it's far better. A world of difference in a positive way. We returned the ipad to the school because he doesn't use it anymore to communicate. Huge improvements in verbal communication is possible after 5, When my son was five he had about 10 words he rarely used. He wasn't toilet trained, and had one goal which was to respond to his name after 3 attempts which he didn't meet. He sat in a box in his kindergarten class and didn't participate. His speech therapist told me I would never talk to him. We had tried numerous therapies and had pretty much given up. Then one day the special education teacher assigned an at home ABA program to work with him in our home. We had tried a facility based ABA program which resulted in no real results.

The at home ABA program started showing results almost immediately. He was toilet trained in a few weeks. He was asking questions and was using new words after a month. The ABA therapy provider from the school told he had graduated their program after 3 months and they just walked away, but we found another at home ABA program and got them in place. We made a big sacrifice, at the time, and had my wife quit her job to manage the at home ABA program. The school wanted to place him in a special education class until all his behaviors were cleared up, but we kept him in general ed with at first a school district aide until they failed and then had an ABA therapist from the at home ABA provider placed in the school. This all took a lot of contentious IEPs and a few trips to Due Process mediation, but the program was working. Long story shot his is now junior senior as a major UC and lives on his own and is very responsible. We also have regular conversations., It used to be thought that children who didn’t talk at 5 never would, but now we know that is not true. 

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC9923624/ Just under half of children who had severe language delays (few or no words) at age 4 grew up to achieve fluent speech and 70% achieved phrase speech., My student started speaking around 7 and was around 4-year-old level intelligibility by 8!, I think speech, like being able to say actual comprhendable happens gradually. At least for my son it does.  He can say word approximations, but not the full words correctly pronounced.  He can connect 2 words as well and it's all accompanied by sign language.  For example if he's hungry he'll say ""ahm han... "" While he points to himself and does the ""eat"" sign.  Anyways he's about to be 5, getting speech therapy since 2 years old.  He's improving a lot, it's just slow progress., Yes! And now he’s 13 and won’t stop talking unless he’s sleeping!! 💙 we often used our iPhones or tablets to engage in music or movies to motivate him to mimic sounds and words! Also we taught him ASL and still use it today, it helped him and others around him to convey what he wanted to say but couldn’t get it out the right way., My best friends youngest didn't speak a word until almost 7- now at 9 he's selective about when he wants to speak but can converse in full sentences when he wants to. I'm really hoping something like that happens with my almost 5 year old., This is a really positive inspirational story...

https://www.theguardian.com/society/2023/jul/11/jason-arday-cambridge-university-youngest-black-professor?CMP=Share_AndroidApp_Other, My daughter was all scripting/echolalia until about 4-5 now (8) she has conversations with a mix of scripting and what we think is spontaneous language. … can be hard to tell because her scripting is so good and used in context., Yep! My son could label things, but right around 6 was when we started getting a lot more! He’s a Gestalt learner, so it was a lot of phrases picked up from videos. Now that’s he’s 7, I’m starting to see him uses these phrases and build his own sentences! Still not what I would really consider conversational yet, but I it’s really amazing!!!, My son is 7 and although he's not conversational yet, he's had a huge language explosion in the last 3ish months. He can almost always get his point across using 1-4 word combinations. He's also started singing songs, and spontaneously starting to use proper, short sentences such as, ""I like pizza."", My little guy talked. But no one could understand him. Very frustrating for him and us. But he started a school program for autistic children and I can now finally have talks with him. He grew leaps and bounds since he started his school program. He just started in January. He still has his big emotions and occasionally hits but at least we understand him. (Well. Not 100%. But like 75%). He will be 5 in October., I have twins, they started around 6-7. They got potty training figured out at about the same time too. And twins leap-frog, one does something to a point then plateaus. Then the other one observes and mimics the first one but then pushes it further than the first one till they plateau. And it goes on like that for pretty much everything, crazy., Love all these comments - gives me much needed hope!!!, I love this thread thank you for posting , my seven year old has never said a word this thread makes me hopeful, I didn't start to actually ""speak"" or willingly communicate with people around me until after turning 5 years old. In fact, when my mother tried to enroll me in my first elementary school for pre- K, I wasn't permitted to and my mom was instead referred to what she still vaguely refers to ""some shrink for deaf/ mute or disabled children or whatever..."" 😐. (My mom was a single mom that comes from a really cynical family background, her English wasn't very good at that time either, she'd immigrated to the U.S. from Central America before meeting my father on the East Coast, whom was also a Central American immigrant that hadn't learned much English yet, he was outtie before I turned 4 though... but, I digress.) 

Anyway, I guess I eventually began trying to speak more or the county just had no choice but to allow me in for kindergarten even though I remember most of that school year being weird for me... lots of people moving their mouths at me... a lot... because apparently I would mostly stare at them and say almost nothing usually. 😂 

I did however begin defacing whatever notepads or address books my mom had rolling around the apartment since I was very little with whatever pen or pencil (or eyeliner) I could find. I would apparently draw all kinds of detailed images and scenarios mostly involving people's faces and hands. Lol... until she finally took a hint and budged to buy me coloring books and crayons to keep me from defacing our walls... 

Anyway, you might have already figured that at home the only language spoken to me was Spanish, and then English came along when I started elementary school. I'm 34 now and actually speak, read, and write very, very good (I guess fluent) Spanish, much better than all my other American born cousins it seems as well as... English, obviously lol. I also got really into learning French at 15 and only took about 2 years of HS French but kept learning more out of interest since and now can speak rather mediocre French, I read it and write it somewhat better... I took a lot of grief for my ""delayed"" speech, but when it kicked in it kicked in hard. 😂 

However, I did end ultimately getting awarded 3 scholarships and 2 financial grant awards to my first choice arts college at 19 (very very lucky and blessed)... Anyway, I was basically never assessed for many strong behaviors and traits from childhood that pointed at my being on the autism spectrum like I could have been, and wasn't really diagnosed until a few years ago, it was just ""really bad ADHD"" and ""OCD tendencies"" according to the doctors that had to deal with my after I turned 17... but it turns out... I didn't have a delay in language skills... art was and always has been my FIRST language is what it was. I also love stacking and building things... 🧩 So yeah, I don't have kids, but I was one of those kids is my point. 😬, My kid is 4 and ahalf and still doesnt speak she just says two dozen words( mostly the things she needs like eat ,drink, name of some videos she likes)  but doesnt connect anything dont be worried. For example im more frustrated that i cant get her off diapers, My son was nonverbal until 2.5 when he got exposure to Super Simple Songs. He started singing, then saying one word phrases, then some sentences to mand(not conversational) at 6 y/o. Your child might have an easier time picking up words when there's a catchy tune playing along it, like mine. They learned things easier if it's sung to them.
Did Baby Shark almost drive me insane playing for 4 years straight? Yes. Was ""Baby Shark"" my autistic child's first words? Also Yes. Super Simple Songs, best of all, taught my autistic child how to label his feelings, which made it easier for me to address his issues before it became full blown unstoppable tantrums. 
I used to do a lot of speaking for/with him like, ""I want candy, please"" and  ""Thank you, mommy"" and after a couple of years he eventually said them. So for a long time until age 4. We looked like crazy people talking to ourselves. At night, we say the same line over and over. Eventually, he said ""Good night. See you in the morning. I love you mommy/daddy"" He started at age 4 saying some of the words to saying the whole sentence. 
A month ago, I learned that there are kids that are ""Gestalt Language"" learners and realized that's how he learns language the whole time., One of my twins was using PECS on an ipad and in diapers until 5. No one expected him to ever speak. He's in an autistic school and has lots of different therapists on staff. Then things started improving. He's 7 now and speaks a lot! We don't understand each other all the time but he's got a lot of words now and it's far better. A world of difference in a positive way. We returned the ipad to the school because he doesn't use it anymore to communicate. Huge improvements in verbal communication is possible after 5, Einstein did. Nonverbal until 5., My niece only started talking about 5 or 6. She's 8 now and still doesn't talk much, and it's all scripted so you have to kind of parse what the context is, but it's definitely coming along. She also has become obsessed with Taylor Swift which, after 7 years of Peppa Pig and Daniel Tiger, is a nice change. :D, My daughter is 5 and she has just started saying three word short sentences. She is in occupational therapy and speech which is doing wonders for her. She started OT in December of last year and just started speech 2 months ago. Recently, it’s like a lot of words are just coming out! Communication with her is becoming easier and I really believe helping with her outbursts because we can understand each other more., [Connor playing at Door, knocking saying “naw-a No”.](https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=10210457897275756&id=1594023668&mibextid=MnnKW6)
This was Connor when he was non verbal. Coulda fooled us!, My 6 year old has ASD and ADHD. It has been 90% non verbal in communication and Sometimes it can be very frustrating especially when your trying to understand but can't and then he gets upset and frustrated etc (He can be very dramatic at times) but It has definitely been a learning process for me too and I'm still learning but He finally started with a word here and there around the end of last year and is slowly but surely making progress, he knows a fair amount of words but will only pronounce or remember the ones he's more familiar with and he knows his abcs and can count to 100. He hasn't spoken a full sentence yet but I know in due time he will.. I am amazed at the fact that he can name and pronounce every dinosaur there is. I know a few names but there are a few I can't pronounce.  We all work together at home to try and help him with his words and he learns a lot from my 5 year old especially as far as words etc she really does not know how much she had helped him etc in her eyes she is the big sister and he's the little brother. 2 peas in a pod!, Started speaking after we stopped giving him milk- after age 5  was minimal verbal until then. At 17 he still has some communication issues but mostly on social front and voice. Texts like a typical teen though., I just want to thank everyone. I have HOPE :), Thanks for sharing, 

How fast was the improvement? Gradual or more explosive ? When did you feel that she was catching up with the speech?

Regards, Just one more question, what country are you in?, This post gave me hope. In a similar boat but with twins almost 5 yrs old now. Both can't talk, and only non-verbal communication very little. They can grab stuff they like from the fridge and grab water bottle when needed. They know that when it's dinner time, they come to the table when plates are placed. They have lots of sensory needs, lots of rocking, and wanting lone time. They are doing speech therapy and aba. Been trying to cut down on dairy, gluten, and sugar.
They are still using diapers. Been trying to teach them how to match stuff. Have cut down on screen time.

Any suggestions on the diet, does cutting down or totally removing gluten, sugar and dairy from the diet help?

How to potty train them?

Any tips on getting their attention or trying to get them to focus?

Any tips on improving verbal communication?

Thanks a lot! Looking forward to some suggestions.this page has actually giving some hope., Ours really had a lot of growth from 3-4. He was only speaking one word sentences until the. ""apple"" or ""milk"" or ""crackers"" and then our ST recommending hole up fingers and pointing to them as we said small sentences and that clicked for him and then  we had even more from 5-6. Like a slow linear progression. Idk if it makes it better or worse sometimes. It's great he is always progressing but I'm so afraid it will stop one day., This👆👍, If you don't mind me asking, how has your son's receptive speech/language skills developed over the years?, Hi there! Can I ask, would you recommend sending kids who don't speak to public school jk/sk? Also, was your daughter making any sounds at 3? I'm so worried about my little guy! Your story gave so much hope to me. Thank you!, Hi,

When you say started talking at 6, do you mean words? Or full sentences? 

How old is your child now and does she go to mainstream schools?

Thanks for sharing, Conversational?, Funny, we just started our son at a traditional preschool (was at a special needs preschool last year) and his language has improved so much over the few short weeks he’s been there. He was verbal before, but now he’s better with explanations and verbalizing his feelings. I guess it’s from being around so many NT kids who talk up a storm. It’s been great to see!, Wow, thank you for sharing this! I'm nervous to send my son to mainstream jk/sk next year, but this gave me hope!, Any particular magnesium and omegas you’d recommend please?, When you say started at 15 does it mean in sentences or words?, That gives a lot of hope ! When you say 18 conversational did he become at least independent?, That's crazy, a 4 day test? Where I am it's under an hour!, How was his level at 6? And ehat school did he go ? And what therapies did he get ?

Regards

Awesome progress !, This sounds like my daughter who is nine and talking in full sentences . When she first started school , she was mainly talking scripts from TV . Kids would ask “ why doesn’t she talk “ to the teacher. I still can’t believe she has learnt to talk and it really took off at about seven . Best wishes for your little one ., This is great article . I think every teacher should be handed a copy of this article , you just don’t know a child potential or future ., Please, what do you mean by scripting?, Just saw your comment, I'll just paste what I just posted in response to this dated post here I guess, lol: 

I didn't start to actually ""speak"" or willingly communicate with people around me until after turning 5 years old. In fact, when my mother tried to enroll me in my first elementary school for pre- K, I wasn't permitted to and my mom was instead referred to what she still vaguely refers to ""some shrink for deaf/ mute or disabled children or whatever..."" 😐. (My mom was a single mom that comes from a really cynical family background, her English wasn't very good at that time either, she'd immigrated to the U.S. from Central America before meeting my father on the East Coast, whom was also a Central American immigrant that hadn't learned much English yet, he was outtie before I turned 4 though... but, I digress.)

Anyway, I guess I eventually began trying to speak more or the county just had no choice but to allow me in for kindergarten even though I remember most of that school year being weird for me... lots of people moving their mouths at me... a lot... because apparently I would mostly stare at them and say almost nothing usually. 😂

I did however begin defacing whatever notepads or address books my mom had rolling around the apartment since I was very little with whatever pen or pencil (or eyeliner) I could find. I would apparently draw all kinds of detailed images and scenarios mostly involving people's faces and hands. Lol... until she finally took a hint and budged to buy me coloring books and crayons to keep me from defacing our walls...

Anyway, you might have already figured that at home the only language spoken to me was Spanish, and then English came along when I started elementary school. I'm 34 now and actually speak, read, and write very, very good (I guess fluent) Spanish, much better than all my other American born cousins it seems as well as... English, obviously lol. In fact, I've done independent contracts as a bilingual community advocate for Spanish speaking members of local counties that don't speak much English and need resources in court related DV cases...

I also got really into learning French at 15 and only took about 2 years of HS French but kept learning more out of interest since and now can speak rather mediocre French, I read it and write it somewhat better... I took a lot of grief for my ""delayed"" speech, but when it kicked in it kicked in hard. 😂

However, I did end ultimately getting awarded 3 scholarships and 2 financial grant awards to my first choice arts college at 19 (very very lucky and blessed)... Anyway, I was basically never assessed for many strong behaviors and traits from childhood that pointed at my being on the autism spectrum like I could have been, and wasn't really diagnosed until a few years ago, it was just ""really bad ADHD"" and ""OCD tendencies"" according to the doctors that had to deal with my after I turned 17... but it turns out... I didn't have a delay in language skills... art was and always has been my FIRST language is what it was. I also love stacking and building things... 🧩 So yeah, I don't have kids, but I was one of those kids is my point. 😬

(I did also suffer with a lot of issues with bed wetting until I was well past 6 unfortunately and my mom was understandably frustrated but I'm pretty sure it was part of my neurodivergent development. It did get better quickly when it did however. Hang in there. Keep your hope alive and be your kids' biggest fan and always keep encouraging them to be their best selves and not give into the shaming that society puts parents of kids with ASD and similar disorders under... because often the parents will begin to pass it on and force it on their kids despite their best intentions. Discipline is always a good trait that builds character... but discipline is one thing... shame doesn't help a child's self- development ever. You got this, and I'm sure they do too. :D), Can you tell me a little more about what you did with the fingers and what the purpose was? My son can label a lot, has some scripts, but self generated language is hard for him., Of course!

He was very challenging when he was smaller. His receptive language started to peak around 7-7 1/2, he started to understand most of the directions given to him such as “time for bed.” He turned 8 in October and that’s when it REALLY started to peak. He now understands nearly every command given such as “go take a bath and wash your body”, “go get in grandmas car”, and even things that used to be awful for us such as “it’s going to rain, it is time to come inside.” He is able to follow all directions in his therapy sessions as well. He does amazing on the worksheets he is given there. When he was young, he had no understanding whatsoever. We had meltdowns daily and everything was a struggle. While we do still have days where he just doesn’t want to do it and he has meltdowns, he is doing so much better. I really believe that is due to the amazing therapists he has and the work I’ve put in at home helping him get to where he is. 

When it comes to his language, I tell people all the time and they think I’m crazy, he spoke very early. He had his first word at about 8 months(mama). He was able to clap his hands and say “yay.” He made noises most kids make leading up to speaking. But as he got older, at about 1 1-2, he lost every milestone regarding language. From then, he just babbled. He would “attempt” to say words, but never really got them out. Recently, maybe a couple of months ago, he started repeating things he hears, pointing at things and saying what it is, telling me what something is if I ask, and using words to tell me what he wants. I have a chart for him to choose what he wants to eat and 99% of the time, he will point at it to let me know and I try to get him to say what it is, and he will say it, or try to. 


It’s something he just randomly started doing on his own one day. I was always told to just give him time and never give up. Every bit of progress he has made has come in his own time and with a family who hasn’t given up on him. I feel like within the next couple of years, he will be so far away from where he was if he continues with the progress he is currently making. It’s been a struggle, but here we are!, I would definitely look into early intervention services!! She received free speech therapy when she attended head start prek for two years! Since going to elementary, the IEP team said she doesn’t qualify for speech therapy since she can be understood now. At 3, she couldn’t really talk much but would attempt to say colors and make animal sounds. At 9, she loves to talk a lot!! Sometimes, she mumbles words together but mostly her speech is understandable!, Is your lil guy making sounds? Is there a variety to them?

I'm not a speech therapist, but I can pass along some tips and stuff my little guys therapist has given us., Hi! She began to say words and began with 3-5 word sentences. She is now 10 and can talk full sentences but she does jumble up or skip some words. For the most part, her speech is understandable!

She is in special ed for math and English. Her school only chose to recognize her specific learning disability and not autism. But she is doing well and enjoys school!, Yes. Easily understands and responds to our sentences. 

Still has rigidities and needs lots of help with daily errands like Bathing and tying laces but we are in a completely different place than where we were a couple of years back., My son is about to enter into an inclusion preschool in September, and I really hope this is the case!, I think youd have to try different brands n kinds before you find one that's palatable to your child..some would happily take the liquid omegas (tastes of fish) n some the candy type ..the magnesium you either buy the powder form or pill (just crush it finely) add little by little to a freshly squeezed orange juice please taste it accordingly before handing it to him..my son has an issue with smell n taste so I always have to check everything before giving it to him.


You can also use a magnesium spray if he won't take it orally,I buy magnesium salt,add it to water in a spray bottle (cheaper and lasts ages)

Studies also say prebiotic /probiotic is also key so fermented foods.
Cut down on Sugar , Gluten and Diary
Good Luck, Different agencies have different requirements. Did you to a specialist or family doctor?, He has been in public county schools since he was 3. He was evaluated with our states early start program when we noticed he wasn’t babbling or trying new words like toddlers should.His therapies were all provided in the classroom. SP/OT and a 1:1 Parapro., Thats great to hear it really took off for your daughter :). And thank you., She uses lines from other things…movies, tv, overheard conversations etc… as her own language, Our son used a lot of scripts and echolalia. He used to just say ""crackers"" or ""want crackers"" when he needed something or wanted something. So one of our old speech therapist said to hold you three fingers. Point to index finger while saying ""I"" then point to middle finger saying ""want"", then point to ring finger and say ""crackers"". You can use whatever fingers you like I guess. It's easier than pictures and picture books or talking apps, which we tried all of them with limited success. 

This clicked. Within a week or two he was holding up his own fingers and pointing to them saying all sorts of ""I want xxx"" things. Then, after a few weeks, we expanded to 4 things with descriptors. ""I want blue ball"". ""I want big cookie"". 

So it wasn't like he was able to tell us how his day went, but this helped push him to using more words in sentences and adding descriptions and names of peop and things. 

We recently started and figured out on our own to do the same with yes or no questioning and holding thumbs up and down. 

""Do you like this? Yes or no""

""Did you have fun yes or no""

""Are you happy or angry?"" 

"" Is it sunny or cloudy"" 

This opened up our insight to know kinda what he was thinking. 

""Do you like cats or dog's""

""Do you like juice or milk"" 

""Do you like momma or papa"" lol. 



Let me know if this makes sense and if it helps! It helped us a bit., Thank you for writing this!! My daughter will be 8 in a few months and is completely non verbal. Gives me alot of hope to hear about your son! We will never give up hope! She also said mama at 8 months and then stopped around 1 1/2 so this really stood out to me ❤️, My nephew is preverbal, he babbles constantly. He's been listening and following directions nearly perfectly lately, I didn't realize that this was an indication that he could be getting closer to speaking.   
It makes sense, we really thought he's just been a really good boy lately. Which, I mean he has, but still, That is wonderful, I'm so happy for your son and your family ❤️.

This gives me hope which is sorely needed as our daughter's neurologist gave us a very bleak outcome for her.. She is turning 6 in few days and she has just in this past year started to show understanding for simple instructions as well 'understanding' pictures as symbols instead of a picture card just being an object. Her babbling also seems so much more intentional now, like she's babbling *at* us, making eye contact etc. instead of it just being something random. Overall she has been connecting with us so much more and we are so happy with the progress she has made so far., Thank you so much for your response! This was truly helpful!, Can I send you a DM?, Please, can you send the tips, Congrats on your son’s progress! That’s great to hear!, Wow, that gives me so much hope. Thank you for sharing., Aqesome progress

Does he go to mainstream school? Or private/special?

Thanks, Thank you, Specialist. He was diagnosed by the professor of pediatrics at Hershey Children's hospital in PA. We waited long for a referral because his doctor insisted it was only a speech problem with some anxiety. It blew my mind because he is a level 2 almost 3 and I basically had to beg for testing, even though it's very obvious. Due to those delays in diagnosis- services and therapies were also delayed. So now here we are trying to pick up the peices., Sorry he was with school when he was 3 years old? Thanks for the feedback

Encouraging to see for parenrs like us!, That makes perfect sense. Thanks for the detailed explanation!, I love this tip, thank you from a Dad in a similar situation, Absolutely! I’m happy to give another parent even that smallest speck of hope! ❤️, Yes, when my son first started this I sort of shrugged it off as ‘meh, they’ve been working super hard with him in therapy, so maybe he’s just learning to follow directions better.’ But then he started to put more sounds together and mimic us and things he heard. When I was telling his speech therapist about this, she told me that most of the time whenever they begin to gain more of an understanding to follow directions and understanding what they’re being told along with making more sounds, they are probably getting closer to gaining some sort of speech! It made a lot of sense to me too whenever I started to put everything he has been doing with in the last year together., That’s how my son started out. He slowly started to gain an understanding of small instructions, that pictures could be a way to communicate, and the babbling became more ‘meaningful.’ I was told so many times before that he would never speak or gain understanding if he wasn’t doing it past the age of 5, but I just kept on with him and here we are!, Sure thing!, He goes to Public School but is in SDC classes for Math/English. He goes to General Ed for History/Science as school is not accommodating special needs kiddo's . He clearly struggles with those subjects., Yes, to start him in an ESY program to give him services b/c he was Non-Verbal, no way could he attend regular classrooms when he can’t speak., Hope it helps!, How is his level now? Can he speak in sentences? Also does he go to mainstream school? Or special school?, Forgot to ask, how old is your child now?

Wishing all the best to youe family !, At age 6 the small 1 words were starting to click. Slow progress. But he’s come a long way since age 3. He had his hearing checked b/c the school thought he was deaf b/c he didn’t speak at all, just grunted, clicked with his tongue, or banged on tables to get your attention. But he’s NOT deaf. Just speech delayed., Got it,
How was he when he was 6? When did you see progress, breaking point?, Hi, so sorry for the late reply! I recently had a baby and I haven’t been on here as much. 

My son is doing well. He still can not speak on full sentences BUT he will repeat what you say. For example: I. Love. You. He will repeat word by word. He is consistently using single words to let us know what he wants. Sometimes you can understand, sometimes it’s a struggle. His understanding is SOOOO much better than it was a couple of years ago. I am so proud of the progress that has been made over the years because I felt hopeless. 

He doesn’t go to public school. I opted to homeschool years ago because I didn’t feel that local schools were equipped enough to handle him. I have incorporated things that interest him in order for him to learn., He is 11 now.  Thanks for the kind words. 

We had his TriAnnual IEP last week and when we see some of his scores in < 1% range, we felt a reality slap on our cheeks. It is a long road and things are only going to get tough as he navigates through Middle school and eventually a high school., Wonderful,
Thanks for sharing, that really gives a lot of hope. What were his therapies if you dobt mind to share?

Give a hug to him !

Cheers, Sounds very much the same with my boy, though he is 6.5... so we have a way to go... 

I understand my boy will not be same at same level with his peers, but want him to be happy, still impressive progress with your son, I'd give anything to see my son being conversational.",Support,Seeking Support
"Hi all,

&#x200B;

We're thinking my 15 almost 16 month old daughter has some early signs of ASD. If anyone had a similar kid we would love to hear your wisdom about how to best support her to meet her full potential/level of personal thriving.

Some strengths:

Makes good eye contact and shows the range of emotions

Loves playing with her toys and knows how to use them correctly (bangs a drum, can put balls down a chute, can put rings on a stacker) although she often mouths them too and explores them from all angles.

Loves playing interactive/turn taking games (e.g., her favorite game is Crash where I stack a tower and say crash and then she pushes it down, likes peekaboo and pat a cake)

Although she plays well indenpently will hand me toys or hand me books to read to her

Can pretend play (e.g., feed her dolls cheerios or bottles).

Just started walking last week and PT said she's doing well with that and has good coordination.

Very chill and doesn't get upset much

Sleeps through the night

Some food pickiness but think it's pretty normative. Can't use a spoon yet but can otherwise feed herself.

Will sometimes respond to words (e.g., I'll say window and she'll go to the window but other times she won't. Very inconsistent and sort of based on her own whims.).

Red flags:

Doesn't respond to name

Doesn't point or wave although she high fives

Used to clap when we would clap but stopped that

Has zero words apart from babbling dadadadadada

Very inconsistently mimics -- zero language imitating

Her receptive language is a mystery. As I said before. Sometimes she responds to words and will look at the object/go to the object other times no.  She scored very low receptive on the EI. 

This is pretty interesting and the OT evaluator said she never saw this before. When we clap behind her head she does not flinch. Will not react. She's not deaf though (has had her hearing tested, responds to sounds).

&#x200B;

It's really the social communication stuff that's most behind right now. Wondering if anyone had a kiddo like this and what, besides EI, helped. Looks like we qualify so far for speech and OT. Both me and my wife have ADHD so at first we thought it was an attentional thing since she seems to get really really hyper-absorbed in what she's doing and has trouble redirecting her focus. Would love to hear any insight or words of wisdom from parents who have been here. It's tough not to panic right now.

&#x200B;

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&#x200B;","That sounds more like language delay than autism. But im no expert. Alot of stuff your daughter does my child would do and he is diagnosed as ASD., My son is 3 and has been in kind of a grey area with autism.  We finally did get a diagnosis a few weeks ago mainly so we can bill insurance for therapies. But even the psychologist was on the fence. At the age your kid is, there are a lot of similarities with my son. We started speech therapy at 18 months as speech was really the only thing he was delayed with at that time. I think it’s good to start all the therapies you can to address the delays and don’t worry about what’s possibly causing the delays. It’s so hard to tell when they are so young, especially when there are a lot of normal developmental things going on too. 

Kids develop at different rates in different areas. It’s hard not to panic when there is potential of things being off. But rest assured, even if they are autistic, everything will be okay! They may have challenges, you may have challenges that others don’t. But that’s okay!! Just take deep breaths and support where they are at right now. And let me tell you when your child reaches milestones that have been a struggle or that come easily to other kids, it’s the best feeling!! My son didn’t say mommy until the last several months, and every time it makes me melt! The struggle and work we do makes it all the more special when they succeed!, Hello and welcome.

I have a kid of 18 months that have some red flags in his development too (he still can't walk without assistance) he loves toys but doesn't play correctly with them, my kid also have no words (except mama, dada) and stuff like baba, nana, is babbling for me.

My kid also respond to some sounds and to others is like they don't exists (is a sensory disorder, usually in autism we see kids getting disturbed by lots of sounds and in the minor side other kids can be in lots of sound and not even notice it) my kid also respond only to sound he finds interesting, to others he doesn't react at all. He does respond to his name and like your daugther sometimes I give him instructions:

- come here
- want juice?
- give me your sock
- stand 

And my kid commits, but other times he just ignore the same instruction (specially when he is hyper focused on something else)

Is your kid in daycare? I believe exchanging with other kids helps in sociability, other things that can help I think is playground. My kid started to point to things he wanted at 15 months (when he join daycare) and even if his pointing is not typical (he use his hand all open instead of an index finger) he does points, looks at me and looks back to the object of interest, so the join attention is there., Our 25m son was the same at 16 months.  He wasn't responding to his name at all which was the first red flag we saw. 

He avoided eye contact for everything except things he finds interesting or funny. 

However, he didn't and still doesn't line up things, walk on toes, have problems with changes and lights/sounds.  He doesn't seem to have texture issues or that sort either. 

What really ticked us off was his learning of letters, numbers and shapes and thereafter the fascination with them. Hyperlexia. With that I was sure he was on the spectrum and he got diagnosed with level 2 earlier this year. 
He follows instructions quite well and is a quick learner, scripts a lot as well but he's picking up new gestalt sentences lately., Sounds almost exactly like my level 1 ASD 3yo at that age. 

When we went for an evaluation just before 2, the evaluator said her “symptoms” would either become more pronounced as her communication improved, or start to dissipate as her communication improved. Hers got more pronounced. (She was formally diagnosed at 2.5)

Even after she developed signs and spoken words for eat and food, she would drag me to the kitchen and put my hand on the fridge handle instead of using the word/sign. 

As she aged, we also saw more sensory stuff pop up. Toe walking, spinning, crawling under heavy pillows, blankets, and soft toys. She loved to be “smashed” in the nugget. 

So, only time will tell. Yes, it may be early signs of ASD, but if the communication works itself out as her language skills improve, it may have just been a language delay., I'd be curious about your duaghter's trajectory with speech. When did she start speaking?, I think we had 2 (up and no) words and 3 signs (eat, water, all done) at 19 months when she started speech therapy. She quickly (like in 3-4 months) got to 12 signs (that’s all we ever did) and 20 spoken words? 

Mama and Dada were at 20 months. Her spoken language is at par now at 3, but we have some pronunciation issues. I only understand about 60%. She creates great sentences and has a vast vocabulary (which is why I have a hard time understanding her, she uses tons of words and I can’t always decipher it.), Also, she never babbled. Not as a baby (her first sign of autism) and not while learning to speak, either.",Support,Early Signs
"We’re in NC, and on Medicaid (HealthyBlue NC.) We’ve learned NC Medicaid and Medicare will not approve any requests for Cubby Beds, due to the deaths and quality issues. 

Has ANYONE had any success in NC with HealthyBlue? I just want to know if it’s worth it to pursue, and how to process these events.

I have learned of 2 deaths:
yo suffocated and was trapped between the mattress and “cover” (unsure of that’s canopy or sheets). 
- 6yo in 2021, trapped between mattress and “cover” (unsure if it’s canopy or sheets? Also thought I’d read somewhere the Cubby bed wasn’t the “cause” of the death, but I don’t have any information.
Link: https://www.accessdata.fda.gov/scripts/cdrh/cfdocs/cfmaude/detail.cfm?mdrfoi__id=12318404&pc=FNJ&device_sequence_no=1 
- 14yo girl in Dec 2023, died of strangulation in opening for tech hub. 
Link: https://www.accessdata.fda.gov/scripts/cdrh/cfdocs/cfmaude/detail.cfm?mdrfoi__id=12318404&pc=FNJ&device_sequence_no=1

I know all kids come with risks, especially special needs kids. I know all kinds of beds (medical device, hospital bed, general) have safety risks and recalls. What I don’t know is if I should read into the hesitancy for NC to approve at all, and the events I see online.

I see a LOT of reports about failed zippers (I think 20 on MAUDE), 2 reports of broken slats, and the two deaths mentioned above (highlighted in MAUDE screenshot).

I picked it and spent months researching and completing the forms, because it’s the only bed that has FDA approval, with PADDING, and a lot of other safety features our kiddo needs.

We’ve tried countless beds, setups, etc… this bed seemed the best because of the padding and safety features. I know Beds by George is a common brand and alternative, but they have tons of events and issues as well, and they don’t have the padding we need. The newer ZPod is basically a rigid plastic cube that I worry a kid would freak out about (can’t see through plastic), and I imagine the molded seams would be sharp. So, I kept coming back to Cubby.

Have any of you been approved in NC?

Does anyone have any helpful insights on the safety concerns, or advice for alternatives?

Thank you!","I am just following for answers from others as we are currently trying to get a cubby bed too. But our medical supplier came back and told us that nobody is getting approved for a cubby bed in NC, especially with Medicaid, because of their concern for the FDA safety concern. Like you, we have researched endlessly the different types of beds, and this seems to be the best fit for our child. If I come across any other information to help for approval, I will come back and post it for you., Hi we have a PT coming out this coming up week to write up a LMN for a safety bed. We wanted the cubby bed but she told me that North Carolina is not approving them. My daughter also has Medicaid. Instead she is going to put in for a Haven bed (Beds by George). She told me she has been able to get this bed approved with other families., Thank you. Was your DME NSM-Seating?, I have applied for Cubby but haven’t heard back yet… but the supplier told me the same. I’ve talked to Cubby who said they have a team who can help try to appeal. I’m hopeful but cautiously. I’m worried for us the George beds won’t work. My kiddo self injurs and have involuntary movements, and needs the padding of cubby ☹️, That’s what I’m worried about as well. My daughter likes to sling herself especially her head during meltdowns. I did see that they offer padding but it’s exterior and an extra 1,800 which Medicaid probably wouldn’t cover. I’m going to discuss some other options when they visit this coming up week. NSM had my prescription until it expired and I kept getting the run around until I needed to get another referral. I had been dealing with the NSM in Raleigh. The dr had also signed off on her LMN and then I was told it needed to be done by their PT , who ended up not even knowing how to write up lMNs for beds (6 mths before they told me) or OT because my daughters OT had just taken another job, so that took longer. We are going through a place called Healing Synergy who can get beds approved and they are on top of it, sending someone out within the first week. I hope they can help you though!, I am just following for answers from others as we are currently trying to get a cubby bed too. But our medical supplier came back and told us that nobody is getting approved for a cubby bed in NC, especially with Medicaid, because of their concern for the FDA safety concern. Like you, we have researched endlessly the different types of beds, and this seems to be the best fit for our child. If I come across any other information to help for approval, I will come back and post it for you., Hi we have a PT coming out this coming up week to write up a LMN for a safety bed. We wanted the cubby bed but she told me that North Carolina is not approving them. My daughter also has Medicaid. Instead she is going to put in for a Haven bed (Beds by George). She told me she has been able to get this bed approved with other families., Thank you. Was your DME NSM-Seating?, I have applied for Cubby but haven’t heard back yet… but the supplier told me the same. I’ve talked to Cubby who said they have a team who can help try to appeal. I’m hopeful but cautiously. I’m worried for us the George beds won’t work. My kiddo self injurs and have involuntary movements, and needs the padding of cubby ☹️, That’s what I’m worried about as well. My daughter likes to sling herself especially her head during meltdowns. I did see that they offer padding but it’s exterior and an extra 1,800 which Medicaid probably wouldn’t cover. I’m going to discuss some other options when they visit this coming up week. NSM had my prescription until it expired and I kept getting the run around until I needed to get another referral. I had been dealing with the NSM in Raleigh. The dr had also signed off on her LMN and then I was told it needed to be done by their PT , who ended up not even knowing how to write up lMNs for beds (6 mths before they told me) or OT because my daughters OT had just taken another job, so that took longer. We are going through a place called Healing Synergy who can get beds approved and they are on top of it, sending someone out within the first week. I hope they can help you though!, I am just following for answers from others as we are currently trying to get a cubby bed too. But our medical supplier came back and told us that nobody is getting approved for a cubby bed in NC, especially with Medicaid, because of their concern for the FDA safety concern. Like you, we have researched endlessly the different types of beds, and this seems to be the best fit for our child. If I come across any other information to help for approval, I will come back and post it for you., Hi we have a PT coming out this coming up week to write up a LMN for a safety bed. We wanted the cubby bed but she told me that North Carolina is not approving them. My daughter also has Medicaid. Instead she is going to put in for a Haven bed (Beds by George). She told me she has been able to get this bed approved with other families., Thank you. Was your DME NSM-Seating?, I have applied for Cubby but haven’t heard back yet… but the supplier told me the same. I’ve talked to Cubby who said they have a team who can help try to appeal. I’m hopeful but cautiously. I’m worried for us the George beds won’t work. My kiddo self injurs and have involuntary movements, and needs the padding of cubby ☹️, That’s what I’m worried about as well. My daughter likes to sling herself especially her head during meltdowns. I did see that they offer padding but it’s exterior and an extra 1,800 which Medicaid probably wouldn’t cover. I’m going to discuss some other options when they visit this coming up week. NSM had my prescription until it expired and I kept getting the run around until I needed to get another referral. I had been dealing with the NSM in Raleigh. The dr had also signed off on her LMN and then I was told it needed to be done by their PT , who ended up not even knowing how to write up lMNs for beds (6 mths before they told me) or OT because my daughters OT had just taken another job, so that took longer. We are going through a place called Healing Synergy who can get beds approved and they are on top of it, sending someone out within the first week. I hope they can help you though!, I am just following for answers from others as we are currently trying to get a cubby bed too. But our medical supplier came back and told us that nobody is getting approved for a cubby bed in NC, especially with Medicaid, because of their concern for the FDA safety concern. Like you, we have researched endlessly the different types of beds, and this seems to be the best fit for our child. If I come across any other information to help for approval, I will come back and post it for you., Hi we have a PT coming out this coming up week to write up a LMN for a safety bed. We wanted the cubby bed but she told me that North Carolina is not approving them. My daughter also has Medicaid. Instead she is going to put in for a Haven bed (Beds by George). She told me she has been able to get this bed approved with other families., Thank you. Was your DME NSM-Seating?, I have applied for Cubby but haven’t heard back yet… but the supplier told me the same. I’ve talked to Cubby who said they have a team who can help try to appeal. I’m hopeful but cautiously. I’m worried for us the George beds won’t work. My kiddo self injurs and have involuntary movements, and needs the padding of cubby ☹️, That’s what I’m worried about as well. My daughter likes to sling herself especially her head during meltdowns. I did see that they offer padding but it’s exterior and an extra 1,800 which Medicaid probably wouldn’t cover. I’m going to discuss some other options when they visit this coming up week. NSM had my prescription until it expired and I kept getting the run around until I needed to get another referral. I had been dealing with the NSM in Raleigh. The dr had also signed off on her LMN and then I was told it needed to be done by their PT , who ended up not even knowing how to write up lMNs for beds (6 mths before they told me) or OT because my daughters OT had just taken another job, so that took longer. We are going through a place called Healing Synergy who can get beds approved and they are on top of it, sending someone out within the first week. I hope they can help you though!",Treatment,Medical Equipment
"I am curious if anyone here decided to be “one and done” after their child received an Autism diagnosis?

For context, my husband and I were leaning towards “one and done”/ sorta fence sitters depending on the day and this was BEFORE any concerns of Autism. 

Now we are doing /Speech, Occupational, therapies and possibly ABA. It takes up so much time/emotional energy. I don’t want my child to “change” I love him as he is but it’s like do we want to add another child to this when we were already leaning towards one and done? What if the second child has more severe autism? 

My husband is incredibly supportive but we don’t have help from anyone else besides occasional babysitting for a date night. 

I would love to hear anyone’s thoughts on this. Thank you friends!","We were also one and done. I'm grieving I will never experience ""normal"" motherhood as my 5yo son is barely verbal so we briefly considered having another child but quickly decided against it. We are not young and my health is somewhat poor, we don't have enough money and emotional recources for another child, We were going to, but decided to have another. We are very lucky that we have a lot of love and support from my parents. Both my husband and I have siblings, and we realized how important they are in our lives, and wanted our son to have that. Hopefully it’s true. 

One benefit I see is that we’ve been through this now, so if our daughter is on the spectrum as well, I feel much more prepared to handle it and get her the support she may need., Nothing wrong with only having 1 kid. The pressure to have 2 is certainly real, but don't give in if you are already struggling. And you could end up with a second that is way higher needs. Better to focus on the one and enjoy life than be stretched thin., We’re one and done, well before the diagnosis. He was the absolute worst baby and I had ppa and ppd. 7 years later and I still have a hard time being around a crying baby., My second was born before my first was dx, but their bond is unbelievable and I genuinely and firmly believe that son has benefited TREMENDOUSLY by having a sibling. She even translated for him for the first few years while he was working on speech - only parents and sister could understand, and she was VERY bossy that SHE was her brother’s helper…

They are 13 and 12 now, and she is still his biggest helper, cheerleader, and bestest friend. She will defend him to the death, and then tattle on him just as quickly 🤣. Totally a blessing., Yea, I feel like I am busy enough w therapies for one. I’d be pulled In too many directions w another., You and your husband will have to weigh it out. 

The amount of love and fulfillment my wife and I have received from having our son (lvl 3 non verbal) has outweighed all the OT, ST, ABA and being kicked out of multiple daycares. Don't get me wrong it's a battle every day and we are worried about the future constantly. We both work full-time and somehow we just make it work. Our second is about 7 months and he's only added to our lives. 

To each their own, but my wife and I both agreed. We'd rather regret having 2 with ASD than never knowing. 

Bonus, my youngest loves his older brother. Seeing them ""interact"" is the best feeling ever. Even if it's far and few. 

Enjoy what you have, one day at a time. Again, there's that saying that goes. ""When you've met one person with autisms. You've met ONE person with autism"".  Everyone's struggles are different. 

Good luck, I always originally wanted 2 kids, but I think I'm defenitely ""one and done"" after the diagnosis.  Thankfully I live in New York where there is a lot of support for my 6 year old level 2 ASD daughter, but I still fear having a second child with the same diagnosis.  I love my daughter with all of my heart, but I have a cousin who is Level 3 ASD so I'm pretty sure she got it from me, and I don't want to pass it on again.  I hope that doesn't sound horrible.

Her father wants us to have another child, but he has an older son from a previous relationship, and he cheated on me and had another child after our daughter (it's a long story) so as far as I'm concerned, he's got enough.  While we are still together, I don't feel like he really helps as much as he should, so I'm already exhausted from everything, so I'm good with my one mini me., We are also one and done. My daughter was born premature and with lung issues that persisted for the first two years of her life. Then she was diagnosed with autism around the age of 2 and now with ID at age 6. It’s never ending. Just when things start getting better, something else starts back up. We’ve also done this all alone with 0 family or friends. Never again., I was leaning that way before I had a kid and committed to OAD before we knew she had ASD. So it wasn’t a factor in my decision, but now that we are doing the therapies and lifestyle accommodations and know there’s a possibility/likelihood she’ll need some form of support into adulthood it’s just another point in the “I made the right choice” column. I feel like I’m handling what’s on my plate reasonably well, and I also know if I had a second kid with special needs I would not handle it all reasonably well. (Also the money. It’s so much money.), Yes, we are one and done. I don't think I have the energy or the mental capacity taking on another child. The not knowing what is ahead of us is a lot., I’m still on fence, but leaning one and done.  I really struggle with tbh. After our son, we had unplanned pregnancy. He 9months at time and asd wasn’t on our radar.  I ended up miscarrying, but the experience made me realize I truly wanted another.

We thought we’d try again after I was ready emotionally. Then the missed milestones started to hit, and now he’s 2 and we’re in process of getting diagnosed. The signs are more obvious as he gets older. 

I’d love to have another, but truly don’t know if we have the mental bandwidth/energy/time. Esp if next is ND also. There’s so many unknowns. Will our son talk? Will he need higher support as he grows? 

Honestly, I don’t know what the answer is. And feeling so uncertain sucks. Solidarity friend., We were originally a “one and done”, and then I got pregnant. Due in November.🤪

In all honesty though, as our daughter has gotten older I am starting to see that it’ll be okay with two. It’ll be tough, but we have no choice but to make it work., I wanted two or three kids but my daughter is a level 3 and every day is very exhausting, she takes all of my love, attention and time. It wouldn't be fair to any of us to bring another child into the mix, especially if that other child ended up being neurodivergent as well. Other parents might be cut out for it and that's awesome! but I don't have the energy or mental fortitude for another., We had been on the fence about having a second kid  until my son's diagnosis. Between testing and all the extra help he needs, I don't have the energy for another child. Plus, I don't feel like I could give my son the time he needs if my attention was divided. 

We plan to see how things go and revist the idea in 4 years., I had a vasectomy afterward, but it was also our second child.  We would have had more if number two's needs weren't so high.  Our lives are already far outside the bell curve, no way could we handle another child., I had thoughts of 2 kids before, but definitely one and done now. There is just no way we’ll have enough time, money or energy to raise another kid and provide him/her with all the attention and experiences they deserve (NT or not), so we’ll just focus on the one we have. Part of me grief for the fact that I’ll never have a “normal” parenting experience, but it is what it is., Have you had genetic testing done? We had genetic testing before deciding whether to proceed with a second child. In our case the testing was inconclusive. They found a hereditary mutation, but it's not been seen before so they don't currently know if it is pathogenic. But it was worth doing the testing because they ruled out some serious conditions. For example the geneticist immediately suspected Angelman Syndrome when he met my son, and 25% of Angelman Syndrome cases are hereditary. The Angelman Syndrome test came back negative for de novo AS, and the WES also came back negative for the hereditary form of AS. After ruling out these serious conditions I was happy to proceed with a second pregnancy. Our son is an absolute joy. He is a very happy boy (which is partly why the doctor suspected AS!) and has a good quality of life. There will be a 5 year age gap between our kids (I'm due in October), so we also will be getting respite while our son is at school. I recommend a large age gap if you do have a second child., Me. I’ve always wanted two. When I was a child, I  enforced a family rule when we played the board game Life that I would be allowed to adopt if I was nearing the end of the board and only had 0 or 1 kids 😂 I’ve always loved kids and babies.

Now I can’t imagine doing all the same stressful things you mentioned AND having another. We already have an ABA therapist in our house 6 days a week; no free time or privacy. Also I don’t like the thought of my son or my hypothetical second kid not getting enough attention/parental time because of how much stuff needs to get done.

If I were 5 years younger, I’d consider going for another when my son is 6. But I’ll be 40 by then. 

Not going to lie: accepting this has been agonizing. I think about it every day and worry I’m making the wrong choice, especially since my son loves babies. I don’t think I’ll ever get over it as long as I live. 

As weird as it may sound I think it’s good you were already leaning towards one and done before all this, as you won’t have to parse as many regrets as you would if you really wanted more., Yes. At least I'm 90% sure. My son is currently level 3 and while I would love to have another child and have a sibling for him I'm just not confident we could have a NT child and/or not have a child with the same or worse/more disabilities.

My heart aches for one sometimes but sometimes I'm just content with my one very active and amazing son.

I'm getting pretty old so I think it's likely not going to happen but honestly we weren't trying for him lol, We had our second before we even suspected ASD for our first. Now we're expecting our third (a total surprise baby tbh) and only now we are starting to grasp the amount of help, therapies, and accommodations our oldest needs. He used to go to regular daycare and preschool,  but since we moved and his symptoms all got worse, he's been rejected from every single one we've applied so far.
We are already spread super thin and have no family help nor the economic means to hire anyone.  I already feel very guilty towards our youngest (NT so far) since the oldest takes up so much of our attention and time... so to say that I  am terrified of throwing a newborn in the mix is an understatement. 
Had we known about our oldest beforehand, we would totally be one and done. So kind of thankful for our ignorance,  because we love number 2 to bits. But man, is it difficult!, yup, same here. we started our family journey wanting 2 kids. our 1st (and only) baby was an IUGR and SGA NICU preemie and we have zero support system despite trying to build one, we began to rethink a second kid. after the recent ASD and SPD diagnosis we decided most likely not going to have a second. not out of fear for another ASD kiddo, but because we just can't have a second child with the time and emotional constraints involved with our first kid. add in no support system and it's a recipe for burn out.  our son will be 2 this month., I just had my second child not long ago.  My first is still undiagnosed but j know deep down he’s somewhere on the spectrum. I can tell you the anxiety and fear I feel about this baby is unreal.  The milestones  , looking for signs. Etc.  I’m also trying to soak in the baby phase out of fear he could Be more severe than my son.  Do I regret having another? Not at all., It’s one of many reasons. But probably like 5th in order of importance… PPD is number 1., I have 3 kids. Everyone in the house is AuDHD. I'm busy and tired and sorting out therapy and working and balancing it all is hard, but I have zero regrets., I am, but my wife is not. We’re likely separating over the issue, which sucks. My son really needs a home with two parents. But I’m very firm on my decision., My first born is level 3.  I was 6 months pregnant with my second son when I found out.  I would never have had another child if I had known before becoming pregnant.  We had did all kinds of tests with my first son (and second) because I was 35/37 during my pregnancies.  All the tests/amnio were normal. I actually thought about abortion (too far along) and adoption when I found out my first son was severely autistic and pregnant with my second.

When they brought my first autistic son to me in the delivery room he was so alert and cooing.  When they brought my second son to me (who actually was born in the hospital parking lot) he just sort of flopped forward.  I was sure that he was autistic but loved him immediately.

I just kind of figured my second son was autistic.  But one day I had to go to a mailboxes etc.. to notarize a paper.  I had my second son who was about a month old with me in his carrier.  I was looking around at all of the balloons on the ceiling, the teddy bears, etc...  There was colorful stuff everywhere.  I looked down at my son and he was fixated on my face.  My older son never did that.  Most babies prefer their mother's faces.  I knew at that moment that my second son was probably not autistic.

He has been the biggest blessing.  He is so much like me.  We laugh and have so much fun together. And he is a loving brother to his older autistic brother.  He can actually hang with his brother which allows my husband and I to do quick date nights.  My boys are 18 and 20 now.

My autistic son is the nicest person that I have ever known.  And not because he is autistic, he's just a very loving guy.  And my youngest son is smart, funny, and loving.  It's been fun getting to do ""normal"" milestones with my youngest like teaching him to drive, sending him to prom, graduation, and now college.  It's astounding to me how easy it was to raise a non-autistic child, but maybe I just lucked out with my second one.

I love both of my sons.  They are both kind, loving, wonderful boys.  It's been very hard with my autistic son.  But I think that I am at the point of acceptance and actual happiness.  The key is not to compare yourself to other families (real life, TV, Instagram).  I measure our family's success by the amount of love we have.  And our home is filled with love.  I still worry and feel scared for my autistic son's future.  I don't want anyone to ever hurt him.  But I feel better knowing that his brother will be there to look out for him in the future., I was far into a second pregnancy before I became really worried my oldest had autism.

We'd planned to be done after 2 anyway. If we hadn't, it would have been a certainty after the second diagnosis. I don't have it in me to do it a third time, and we're finally getting to some calmer years., The decision was made for us because I was diagnosed with cancer when my daughter was 2 and the treatments left me infertile but we think its for the best so we can focus on our daughter., I decided to never have another after my son not because I thought I couldn't stand anymore but because I felt he needed my full attention but I never wanted a big family so ymmv, Yes. One and done here, We always planned to be “one and done.” The *only* waffling for us came the day we found out we were having a boy. That was the moment I learned my wife was hoping for a girl… Ha!, Me!! I absolutely could not handle another!, I didn't realize how much work my neurotypical child was without outside help. We weren't ready to have a second until he was 12. 

It's much more effort this time around.  We simply don't have the resources - socially, financially - to ever take care of another child., We always wanted two. My wife was an only child and did not want the same for ours. We are worried, but ultimately I think we are going to try for a second., Absolutely one and done at this point. The attention, time and money raising my son takes is definitely a huge factor. I have ADHD myself and I don’t think I could handle 2. I can barely handle my son and his NT cousin at the same time when they are both in good moods without feeling like I’m shorting one of them on my attention. We did consider having two because we certainly have the love to give but recognize the gamble is not worth it for us to have two with similar needs in terms of parental attention. 

Plus I did have pregnancy complications that further convince me I’m overall OK with the decision., Yes. I wanted more but I feel that it wouldn’t be fair to my son who needs all of my attention. Plus, autism is genetic. I wouldn’t change him but I definitely couldn’t handle two of him. It does hurt to know I can’t have any more kids but I know I’m making the right choice. It would be selfish of me to get pregnant again just because I want another., Yep, one and done. 
My child has many complex needs. 
I had to weigh it up and ask myself would it be fair ok my child? Would it be fair on a new baby when I have no time to spare? Could I mentally cope? 
It does make me sad sometimes that I won’t have anymore children or experience bringing up an NT child but that’s life., I have twins, both on the spectrum. We were thinking about more children, but the thought of having more children with autism or other disabilities is a real possibility and I just don't think I could handle that., My son was born with CHD and life has been exhausting since day one. I couldn’t imagine trying to deal with another child when the one we had took all of the time and energy we had. I do regret very much that we have no other family and my son will be alone one day., My wife wants a second child, but I'm one and done. Our 5-year-old son is level 3 non-verbal, and to call him a handful is being charitable. On top of all that you would imagine, he's also prone to violent tantrums where he lashes out at us and other children; the younger and smaller they are, the harder he hits. I told my wife that I have nightmares of bringing in another child and having the baby scream in the middle of the night, waking up our son, who rushes in and punches the infant in the face.

Our son drains us emotionally, spiritually, and financially. We have no nearby family that can help us; we're on our own. Our bank accounts are staying steady, but another child - especially if they ended up special needs - would bankrupt us. By every metric, I don't see how our family could survive another child.

At the end of every day, I feel like I am a single pat of butter that has been spread over an acre of toast, and I don't know if it will ever get better., One and done here.  Son was in an out of district placement at age 3 with two siblings sets in his class alone.  

He's a beautiful human being.  22 now.  If we knew another one would have been a similar experience to raising him, we would have. We weren't rolling the dice., We had our first son in 2018 and our second son almost 2 yrs later, pre autism concerns. They are both on the spectrum, however, as they both are somewhat verbal, have minimal sensory issue and little to no behavioral problems, our lives are hectic from the amount the therapy… but progressing. (Which is a privilege I know) The boys are incredibly close even though they don’t have a traditional sibling relationship. (Mostly indirect play, but embracing the companionship)

We’re still able to travel, they have friends etc. but these are all VERY NEW developments. My oldest has been getting 40 hrs a week of ABA since he was 2.5 and the little started ABA shortly after turning 2… it’s so hard to tell what your future will look like with kids on the spectrum. We’re discussing a 3rd now but only because things have radically shifted… we never thought they would be where they are., I have 5 year old twins that are low-functioning. We started the diagnostic process shortly before their first birthday. After discussing with their doctors, we decided they were it. We had to have fertility help to get pregnant after trying for years, so we were shocked to discover I was 13 weeks pregnant just a few weeks after their first birthday. We were terrified, but it has turned out great. Our little surprise is neurotypical and after getting to experience all the “normal” milestone achievements and development, we wish I hadn’t had my tubes tied so we could have another. Some days it’s overwhelming to have two who require so much and another thrown in the mix, but they’re all so different and loving and sweet, we’re lucky to have them., I have 2 boys. They are actually the loves of my life, but I wish I didn't have a second. The older one gets less than half my time, and I feel like a shit father. I would absolutely recommend 1 and done, We had two more after our level 3 non verbal daughter. Sure enough one is also ASD but lower level, other one likely same. Hard to not play favorites here but the older one is so loving and joyful (except to his little brother, suddenly he's a mean jerk) towards everyone. Everybody always gives him all the attention because he's just so delightful. While they certainly spread us even thinner, and I absolutely love my daughter, I think it may be worse if all we had to focus on was her constant struggles. It's been good for her too. She hated him at first but loved both by the time they next little brother came along., It’s so different for every family. Weigh out the pros and cons with your partner. It’s very daunting at first, but whether you decide to have a second or not you’ll make it work. We had our second child about a year and a half ago and for us it’s been great for our autistic son to have a little buddy. They don’t always get along but when they do they learn so much from each other and keep each other entertained., By the time I had gotten a diagnosis on my oldest I was already 3 kids in. They all have ASD. then I was like lemme have one more and I’m pending her results for ASD. Fucking sucks when ALL your kids are on the spectrum., We are one and done. I’m visually impaired and can not drive. My pregnancy had some complications. I still wanted a 2nd but my husband did not. He’s a wonderful husband and father. He asked if I could just be happy the 3 of us. I’m 43 now and my son is 10. Until he was 7 I would ask and he still felt the same. 
We have friends that are now our family. We have 2 dogs. It worked for us., Yup. Just don’t have the energy or capacity to take care of more than one., Not ""one"" and done, but we had every intention of having 3 children. However, when my second was diagnosed autistic, it stopped all discussion of #3., I think my partner and I had already agreed to be one and done before our son was officially diagnosed. I am also sure that his autism was a big factor just due to the challenges of parenting an (then undiagnosed) autistic child as a (then undiagnosed) autistic parent.

It isn’t that I am scared of having an autistic child—a guarantee of an allistic child would probably appeal to me even less because my own autistic-drive for “fairness” would be pushed to the limits if I had multiple children with extremely different needs.

My son benefits enormously from having my attention and if I had another kid he’d necessarily get less of it. He may also benefit from having a sibling, don’t get me wrong! 

I think there are always multiple factors that go into a decision like this. I found pregnancy extremely difficult with hyperemesis. Our son didn’t sleep through the night for 2 years. So I didn’t actually sleep properly for more than 2 and a half years. That would have made the decision for us anyway. Then two autism diagnoses later just confirmed it., I always wanted two children, but after my first sons diagnosis we were trying to talk ourselves into being one and done. It didn’t work and now we have a 5 month old., We were going to go that route, but I had teenaged children from another marriage, and I was 36 when I had my 8 year old. Eventually, we decided to have another, because of my older children didn't want any connection with them after we are gone, they'd have each other. We worry about them being alone once were gone more than anything else.

My 4 year old is Ali on the spectrum, and while they have very different personalities, they play with each other, and love each other. It gives me a lot of hope that everything will turn out OK., I have an almost 4yr old autistic girl and an almost 2yr old neurotypical girl. Theyre 22 months apart. I had a feeling when I got pregnant with my second, that my first was autistic. She got her diagnosis at 2yrs, 3 months. When we brought her sister home for the first time she freaked out. Probably the worst behavior I've ever seen out of her. She hit me, pulled my hair, bit me, pinched me and cried and screamed. She *hated* her sister. BUT, now they're inseparable. They love each other so much. They give each other hugs and kisses and help each other. It's the most beautiful bond I've ever seen. There are still bad days but the good far outweigh the bad. It helps that she goes to daycare AND early childhood. She starts 4k in July. They do OT and speech at early childhood currently. And I said absolutely not to aba which also helps our schedule., Yes, but it wasnt shortly after he was diagnosed. After experiencing how its like with the therapies and how its like for school, its too much for me.  I cant imagine how it would be like with 2.  I am able to focus all my attention to my son right now.  I am the primary parent as well when it comes to scheduling or basically anything to do with my son.  Plus i work a full time job.  Luckily i have my  mom as a respite provider, or else i would have to pay her child care.  I cant afford child care for another kid even if they're NT., I would have if I could have. My son (second born) was diagnosed with autism and we we’re already pregnant with our third when he was diagnosed. As much as I love my youngest he’s already showing many of the same symptoms of autism as the middle one did and I’m wracked with terrible guilt that we could have avoided him having hardships for his life. We have three kids, no support system, never leave the house and it’s incredibly stressful. My oldest misses out on so much because of the needs of the second, nevermind what adding the third did to the equation., One and done. Our child is almost 6. Things have finally started to fall into place with managing school, work and a social life. I can’t imagine restarting everything. We also have very little in support. Our parents are older so it’s hard to rely on them., We decided one and done pre diagnosis.

Quite a small support network and cannot rely on grandparents as they either don’t drive or I wouldn’t leave my son with them for longer than an hour., for my dad i was a one and done case, but my mom was 34 and my dad 32 when i was born so having more kids after that was risky especially with an increased risk of chromosomal abnormalities and other conditions. i have an older half sister who is level 1 but we don't share a dad, and there's too big of an age difference and difference in how we were raised for us to have much of a sibling bond. 

having a second kid is a decision that needs a lot of consideration. i had a lot of privilege growing up as an only child but i was very lonely, but i don't think having any more siblings would have been great because as a teenager i needed a lot more support than my stepsiblings and it was extremely obvious, My Husband and I decided to only have one because I was 37 when I had her. She’s 11 now and has Autism and ADHD.  But my age aside, given that she has Autism and that combined with the fact that we are getting older .. those were and are factors in our decision not to have more children.  My husband has one older son from a previous marriage too., I worry about this sometimes... I always wanted five kids and I had my first three in rapid succession (2015, 2016, 2017). The oldest and youngest are neurotypical, but the middle has AuDHD and I just don't know if I can put myself through this again. Though, with everything I've learned and given the fact that my other kids will be older and more helpful, maybe it'll be easier if there's a next time., We have decided to be one and done but originally wanted two kids. I can’t take the risk of not being able to give my son the attention he needs, if our second child had autism as well I don’t know if I could handle that financially and mentally. Even if they didn’t and were neurotypical I think I would struggle I get overwhelmed easy and we both work full time. It makes me sad but I know it’s the right decision for our family, we get asked all the time about another and it’s frustrating to constantly have to explain myself, We’re feeling one and done for the most part, well I am as the mom. As much as i’d love for my son to have a sibling, I just don’t think I could handle another child whether they have asd or not too. I’m already mentally exhausted!, Yes , I decided one and done and my child is now eight . We are all very happy with this . There are a lot of kids in her class that don’t have siblings, so that helps . She did go through a stage of wanting a sibling , but she doesn’t anymore. I love being in a family of three. My friends who have NT kids , most have two kids and they seem very stretched for time. I like have energy for my hobbies and sleep etc. Also financial we can afford to look after her well . 😊, I’m so in two minds over if we are done, I had hyperemesis in pregnancy too so have absolutely no idea how I would survive another pregnancy with my 4.5yr old. I feel like I’ve been cheated a typical motherhood experience but could full well have another autistic child so it’s not like another kid would give me the typical experience, Oh yes. I always wanted 2 children. I didn't care about gender, I just wanted to have 2. My plan was to have my first, wait 1-2 years, then have the second quickly so it would be done with. He started showing signs at 1 year old, diagnosed at 19 months. Then the 2nd child was paused for a bit. Then we decided we just can't handle a 2nd kid. I call my first a ""2-in-1"".

I'm a SAHM, and my husband works. Between all the therapy appointments, the things we want to do with our lives, chores, maintenance to our house, etc. we literally have no time to add a 2nd kid to the mix. My husband is approaching age 50, and he's just not able to handle another child, especially if we get a 2nd child with autism. My son already has issues with sleeping and stool withholding, which stress us out, and we don't want to add to our stress. We were on the verge of divorce for a bit, got marriage counseling, and are now doing a lot better. But it was rough. We knew we couldn't do a 2nd child. It would break us, and our son needed our full attention. It was hard, though, I have spent the last year grieving that 2nd child I will never have and feeling so sad and like the decision was made for me. We have agreed if we ever change our minds, we will be adopting. Pregnancy was very hard on me, and my son is physical in his play so we're worried about him potentially hurting me if I were pregnant.

Not to mention the COSTS. Here in Ontario, they have gutted the Ontario Autism Program, so thousands of families are stuck waiting and unable to pay for therapy. We are well off financially, and I still feel like we get drained, therapy is so expensive! Having a 2nd child would be rough, but having a 2nd with autism would probably kill our bank accounts, especially with the current lack of support from the government. I like being able to buy a pizza when I feel like it, and I don't want to lose that financial freedom by having a 2nd right now., My youngest was diagnosed with autism. I unfortunately cannot have any more children due to being diagnosed with ovarian cancer 4 years ago. So no more babies, but we were done with two anyway., We were also one and done. I'm grieving I will never experience ""normal"" motherhood as my 5yo son is barely verbal so we briefly considered having another child but quickly decided against it. We are not young and my health is somewhat poor, we don't have enough money and emotional recources for another child, We had our second before our first was diagnosed.  It was the best thing we could have done.  Our youngest is not on the spectrum and our oldest has a best friend and someone she can learn social skills with., Yes.  No more children here as I do not want another autistic child and I have been very very clear with that.

I think where we differ is I want my child change. I want him to get better. I want him to improve. He has shown some improvement in the areas of emotional intelligence and language.  But it’s not enough to convince me to risk doing this again., My son has a rare genetic condition + autism and we found out about both when I was around 5 months preg with our 2nd. Lots of ppl assumed his diagnoses would’ve made me want to stop after 2, but in fact the opposite is true. Now I feel like my younger son will have so much responsibility for his older brother and adding one more to the mix could help. Ugh it’s very hard. I’m told all the time to just wait she see how we feel (especially bc we have a 6 month old now and I just had a stroke in December so I really need to chill lol) but it’s easier said than done. Having our first son have the issues he does changed everything. Then my health issues changed everything again. These weren’t our choices so it’s hard to grapple with. I guess just solidarity here for our lives not quite going the way we thought they would! Good luck to y’all., Let me promise ABA doesn't change your child, it just gives them the ability to be more independent., I already had two when we got the diagnosis.  My ND son has benefited greatly from having a little brother.  He has conversations with his brother at a level that isn’t possible with other kids.  His brother has also benefited.  I’ve been told by his teachers that he is very inclusive of all kids in class, NT or ND.

I love both of them, and all of their uniqueness.  My second brought far more joy than stress to my life., I'm pretty scared about having more, but maybe I'll take the leap. I'd like to leave offspring behind to take care of each other so I can pass away in peace., We went ahead and had a second. He is on the spectrum too.

Now we’re two and through., We wanted more. Our son was colicky, had tongue tie, and started getting kicked out of daycares. He's 3.5 now. We're just starting interventions. We both work full time. We're barely surviving. All of our leftover energy goes to our child or to planning next steps for him. We don't have the bandwidth for two. And I'm not sure my son has the bandwidth for a sibling. His relationship with our dog has grown stronger and is heartwarming to see though., ❤️, This happened to us. Though, our second was already born when we had our first diagnosed. Our first is lvl 2 and second is lvl 3., Oh my gosh, same for me. ❤️, This is exactly my husband and I. Our oldest is 4 non-verbal, no levels here, but just our most favourite wee boy in the world. We then had our youngest who is coming up for 1.5. Watching their relationship grow and how much they care for each other, even though its not always easy, is wonderful. 

I love that they have each other., This was so endearing to read. Currently pregnant with baby #2 myself and our first and only child is level 2. We were almost one and done because of it but our family just didn’t feel complete., I can totally relate to your post, as I think maybe autism runs on my side . I’ve spend many days and nights with the parental regret. 
If you don’t mind me asking are you in the 5 boroughs? I’m in Queens, NYC. Maybe I can message you? I’ve been trying to find more information on resources for my son. You stated,” there is a lot of support”, and I haven’t been so lucky to experience that. If you can share information on it I would be so grateful!, > I love my daughter with all of my heart, but I have a cousin who is Level 3 ASD so I'm pretty sure she got it from me, and I don't want to pass it on again. I hope that doesn't sound horrible.

Not horrible at all. One of the same reasons we are OAD. Our son has thankfully landed on the Level 1-2 range, and I am terrified of having a second child who is more severe. I already struggled with Level 1-2. I'd fail utterly at handling Level 3. Props to all the parents that do cause damn it sounds so hard, way harder than what I am going through with my own son., No advice just wanted to send you virtual hugs!, I'm the same way. We were OAD before we knew my son was autistic, but we knew it was hard, and now that he has started therapy it's like, oh, we were definitely not meant to have more than one child. We have no support network and both work full time, and it's a whole thing. I'd rather be able to give 100% to this specific child than try to split my attention among children who also may or may not be autistic., Same!, My fear with having a second child with ASD are for the same reasons you listed. Stretched too thin, not enough help etc etc. I’m already so tired, lol. thanks for your reply!, I empathise so much. Reading your comment made me feel the anxiety in the bottom of my stomach. My first is also undiagnosed on the spectrum and I have a 7 month old and my anxiety is through the roof. I have a feeling he is also on the spectrum and it’s just the dread of him being more severe. Hard to enjoy the baby phase. But also love both so much., This is the way.

I had my first son diagnosed after we were already pregnant. An, as the father, it's Hella stress. But, everyday my son goes through ABA and the things are starting to click for him makes me feel proud.   

My new born is just about 6 months old. I feel the stress of the what if... but who cares I love my kids I don't care if they are oddball. They are the coolest kids I know. 😎  and them thinking out side the box always provides the ""we should always cherish the small things"", This was so beautiful. Thanks for sharing ❤️, I guess what I meant by that is of course I want my child to grow (otherwise we wouldn’t be in these therapies). But for me it’s like ok he has autism, it’s not a death sentence. He is who he is. Thanks so much for your reply., Damn. Are they the same level at this time?, same! actually due any day now. this comment was very reassuring and i’m so ready to see them interact and grow together., Of course! Feel free to message me. I will say, my daughters school does so much for her. There's an IEP team on sight. I'm actually in the process of getting her reevaluated to see if she can join the ASD horizon program. I'll be on the lookout for your message tomorrow morning 🙂

Edit: forgot to say I am indeed in the 5 boroughs. The forgotten one, Staten Island lol, Exactly, I highly doubt I could handle Level 3.  My daughter has definitely made a lot of progress through the years and I'm super proud.  She is super smart and very independent for a 6 year old (personally I think she's a little closer to level 1 but I'm no expert).  I still get to have some semblance of my own life.  I get to play my video games, do my hair, things we all take for granted.  I am blessed.  My cousins mother has made her whole life about him and caring for him, and I can't imagine having to do that.  I don't know if that sounds selfish, but it's the truth., I have worked with autistic children of varying degrees.  In many cases their disabilities make it seem like a death sentence.  In many cases they will never live an independent life and will be vulnerable., Yeah, thankfully both I guess 1 (never heard of levels till I joined this sub) and what I guess we would say is mild., Hi!! Omg, I’m now seeing this. Haven’t been on Reddit in forever. I’m messaging you now., Totally agree. We thought we would never get back to playing video games or having lives of our own, and now that our son has improved enough that we actually get to partake in our own things again, we do not want to lose it. I feel like I can dream again, and I do not take that for granted., Oh ok well that's good that it wasn't more severe. I wish I was brave enough to really go out for a second one lol",Support,Family Planning
"Anyone tried this? I saw ad today, I am planning to explore, please let me know your experience! Thanks","I had previously asked the sub about this however never received any answers, I guess not a lot of people tried it. What is your opinion about it?, What is MeRT?, No idea. Watched a few YouTube videos and it looks promising. Still wanted some opinion from the group, https://youtu.be/hkbEVPwmmNA?si=sxI7tYSJnIiKjIK5, I had previously asked the sub about this however never received any answers, I guess not a lot of people tried it. What is your opinion about it?, What is MeRT?, No idea. Watched a few YouTube videos and it looks promising. Still wanted some opinion from the group, https://youtu.be/hkbEVPwmmNA?si=sxI7tYSJnIiKjIK5, I had previously asked the sub about this however never received any answers, I guess not a lot of people tried it. What is your opinion about it?, What is MeRT?, No idea. Watched a few YouTube videos and it looks promising. Still wanted some opinion from the group, https://youtu.be/hkbEVPwmmNA?si=sxI7tYSJnIiKjIK5, I had previously asked the sub about this however never received any answers, I guess not a lot of people tried it. What is your opinion about it?, What is MeRT?, No idea. Watched a few YouTube videos and it looks promising. Still wanted some opinion from the group, https://youtu.be/hkbEVPwmmNA?si=sxI7tYSJnIiKjIK5",Support,Seeking Advice
"Hi everyone, apologies if this isn’t the right place to ask but I’ve tried to figure it out on my own to no avail. I was wondering if anyone knows how to access a child’s apgar test results? Admittedly I was very out of it after the birth of my child 8 years ago and the question hasn’t come up since then, I need to access this information for a form for her speech therapy. I strongly suspect autism and/or adhd and assessments for those are in the works. Do I contact her pediatrician or my OB? Any help is greatly appreciated. Thanks!","Ask for your discharge summary from your hospital stay. You should be able to get it from either her pediatrician or your OB. If you had MyChart back then, it should be in there., If you don’t have access to MyChart (and live in the US - I don’t know about laws in other countries), you can legally call the medical records for the hospital was child at it and request records - which they have to give you. ( you will likely have to sign a consent form either in person or fax a consent in), Contact the medical records department of the hospital that you delivered your baby in., Thanks so much for your help! I’ll look into that. Have a great day!, Thanks for the advice, I’ll give it a try., Ask for your discharge summary from your hospital stay. You should be able to get it from either her pediatrician or your OB. If you had MyChart back then, it should be in there., If you don’t have access to MyChart (and live in the US - I don’t know about laws in other countries), you can legally call the medical records for the hospital was child at it and request records - which they have to give you. ( you will likely have to sign a consent form either in person or fax a consent in), Contact the medical records department of the hospital that you delivered your baby in., Thanks so much for your help! I’ll look into that. Have a great day!, Thanks for the advice, I’ll give it a try., Ask for your discharge summary from your hospital stay. You should be able to get it from either her pediatrician or your OB. If you had MyChart back then, it should be in there., If you don’t have access to MyChart (and live in the US - I don’t know about laws in other countries), you can legally call the medical records for the hospital was child at it and request records - which they have to give you. ( you will likely have to sign a consent form either in person or fax a consent in), Contact the medical records department of the hospital that you delivered your baby in., Thanks so much for your help! I’ll look into that. Have a great day!, Thanks for the advice, I’ll give it a try., Ask for your discharge summary from your hospital stay. You should be able to get it from either her pediatrician or your OB. If you had MyChart back then, it should be in there., If you don’t have access to MyChart (and live in the US - I don’t know about laws in other countries), you can legally call the medical records for the hospital was child at it and request records - which they have to give you. ( you will likely have to sign a consent form either in person or fax a consent in), Contact the medical records department of the hospital that you delivered your baby in., Thanks so much for your help! I’ll look into that. Have a great day!, Thanks for the advice, I’ll give it a try.",Diagnosis,Diagnosis/Assessment
"Hi all, 

I see a lot of app recommendations, but they seem to be for kids who understand how to work a tablet or follow basic instructions. 

My 3yo is level 3. Despite trying to show him how to use a tablet (Amazon fire), he really struggles with it. I’m looking for some really simple easy apps that don’t require the child to follow verbal instructions (press the red balloons now!/etc).

If it can teach him things like shapes, words, or colors, that’s awesome, but not required. 

I would love any recommendations.","My daughter loves this subura game where there are kids and stuff in a city, school, amusement park, hotel, they have all types of them. The kids and characters don't talk and there is no mission but if you push the different buttons and touch different things you'll see them work. For example you can grab a cup and make the child drink, put them in bed, ride a Ferris wheel. It's cool and the more and more she uses it the more new things she finds and figures out. In the beginning I would show her some things like putting a battery in a toy and she would do that in the game over and over and then realized ""oh I can try these everyday objects with things"" it's very basic even though I'm using the more in depth examples. It's called ""sunny school"" and then they have all the others I said like daycare, hotel, city, ECT. Also Dr. Panda is a favorite of hers. He like delivers mail and stuff., If you have the Amazon fire and a kids subscription, a lot of the sago mini games are very open to how the kid wants to play. I would recommend those and if your kiddo likes to just move things around, almost like stickers, the Toca world or Dr. Panda world ones are fun. There is also sesame Street art maker that is just art in different mediums, very easy to navigate., We love balloon pop. It is an absolute favorite. It says the name of the number, letter, color, shape, etc. that they say and the game sets them up to incidentally hit the correct balloon. It is so easy for them to get it right.

Rv apps as well, though they are more complicated than balloon pop.",Support,App Recommendations
Sorry - blunt question. I made a post recently about whether or not i should have children as an autistic person and I kind of went on a whole tangent its in my post history. But i guess the main thing i want to know if any of you are actually happy. I know this is a venting friendly sub which I’m totally in support of I love that this is here and I’m glad i have this access to this kind of honesty and insight. But are there any good parts? When people say all these things they hate about their kid and their lives because of their kid and then follow up “but i love him he’s a blessing” it just makes me wonder how. I want to want a kid so badly. My boyfriend keeps going on about how much he wants to have one once we’re married and I just get so depressed thinking about all this and what a real possibility it would be that our child would be autistic. But are there any parts of your life that are genuinely good. Are you able to do any of the normal and fun things that neurotypical families do? Do you have a good relationship with your child and your spouse? Are you ever not burnt out depressed irritable and overstimulated? If anyone could give me any advice itd mean a lot. And if your experience is anything but positive - how can i go about convincing my boyfriend it’s a bad idea. ,"I am. I mean, it’s hard. Not gonna lie. But my thought is that life is usually hard in one way or another and though I’m not autistic I am totally blind so I’m no stranger to finding my own way through the rough timres., I’m so unhealthily stressed it’s insane. I love my son but this life isn’t for the faint of heart., The one thing no one has said, but I think is more important than anything else; if you don't want kids, please, please, please don't let anyone talk you into, bully, or shame you into having kids. 

There is absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting kids or deciding it's just not what you want for your life no matter what the reason is. 

Statistics in study after study show that the happiest people are single childless women., I’m happy, but more stressed than I would be if my son wasn’t autistic. I have 2 kids 5 and 7. 

My 5 year old is verbal but not conversational. It’s been a long road of getting kicked out of daycare, scrambling for childcare during school vacations, getting calls from teachers. That stuff is all what gets me stressed more than my actual kid. The rat race of it all. Never ending therapies and appointments. Everything is just harder like doctor appointments. People constantly trying to figure him out when in public. 

My 7 year old is typical. We live a pretty “normal” life. My older son plays lots of sports. My ASD one is easy going places. We do the movies, trampoline park, went to Disney. He goes to his brothers games. We go to the beach and pool, go on vacation, stay in hotels, fly on planes. No issues. Everything is pretty typical except the language delay. I think if that could catch up life would get a lot easier. I work from home which helps but I can’t have calls when my sons home. Even though he’s almost 6 I can’t tell him to be quiet while moms on the phone he doesn’t understand. 

My son isn’t interested in peers but that part doesn’t bother me. My older one is extremely social so we get that experience. Me and my husband are introverted so are more in line with my ASD son than the older one. 

I’m constantly burned out but not just because autism. I work full time and my husband has a crazy work schedule, we don’t have much family help, 2 kids therapy and sports  schedules, I’m in the middle of taking the cpa exam. Life’s just always crazy, but I know that my kids are my purpose and do it all for them 


I wouldn’t change it for a thing though, I love my guy., Autistic solo parent as well. If I didn’t have the resources to hire help I’d likely be depressed. I bought my village and it’s worth every damn penny., I have moments of pure joy. One of them was today. My son and I spent two hours playing at the ocean and on the forest trails. That was a happy time. During that time I was not burnt out or overstimulated. These moments don’t happen everyday but when they do, they have a way of balancing the rest., I might be a much needed person on the other side of the grass, but I'm incredibly unhappy. I have depression and due to my job, insurance isn't readily consistent, so I can't get therapy or medication, so I'm boarding alcoholic so I don't kms. I'm also autistic and the loud  noises my daughter makes triggers me, I don't like that it's hard for me to stim around her, she's too needy and requires attention that's hard for me because I often disassociate. She's low functioning.  She affects my sleeping and eating routines to cater to her. I have limited income, and we have differing pallets. So almost all my food money goes to her food, often leaving me for days without eating regularly. 

 My daughter is lovely, but society is not. The stress of what will happen to my daughter if I die. The stress of constant therapy, not being able to participate normally in activities like Christmas, halloween, and Easter due to my daughter sensory issues and tantrums. Not being able to talk to her. She can't  tell me she loves me or gives me affirmation. She cant tell me im doing a good job.  Constantly feeling like a failure as a parent.

I'm straight up miserable. I wouldn't wish my life on anyone. I lowkey gave up on my life, but I try to give my daughter everything I can. She's lowkey spoiled because I know life will be hard for her. And if I knew it would be this hard, I would've never had her. My life was 100% easier without a kid (asd or not). I find being autistic makes parenting a bit harder. I dont like how people will treat her in public when she stims or needs extra support. It stresses me out. Not for me but for her. I love her so fkn much im ashamed I brought her here. I wish our society was kinder to disabled people and kinder to parents., Yes I m very happy! My husband and I make lots of time after our kids go to bed for sex and emotional connection/conversation/quality time so we have a good relationship. I’m the primary caretaker of our 5yo (ASD) and 1yo (typical appearing). We have been extremely luckily that our son is a happy little boy. He’s nonverbal but for the most part he’s really chill. We follow his routine and he’s happy as can be. Lots of hugs, eye contact, face smushing, snuggling. He communicates as best he can and I can usually understand and my husband can usually figure it out 60-70% of the time. We do some “typical” family things like go to all inclusive night at our local museum, family photos, go trick or treating, go to the park. He tends to stress out if it’s too out of the ordinary like someone’s house or a restaurant so we don’t do that but we also have a literal baby lol. We live happily in our bubble. We love our kids. And more importantly we like them and their personalities.

Edited to add: I often get overstimulated but that’s where we communicate hey I need to tap out., Autistic single parent with level 2-3 autistic toddler. Like any aspect of life, there are ups and downs, but I can’t imagine my life without this kid. There are struggles but my overall quality of life and life enjoyment increased exponentially. It is the adventure of a lifetime 🌈❣️, No, I’m not happy. It’s been hell. I love my kids, but if I could make my older son be low support needs/verbal autistic or even NT, I would do it in a second.

But all I can do is my best and try to build superhuman patience., I am but my kid is 9 now and it has gotten a lot easier within the past year., Nope., Yes, very happy. People post when they have stuff to complain about. I spent all day on Sunday with my little dude. We spent a ton of the lay laughing and just joking around in our own distinctive way. It was a great day and nothing out of the ordinary. I didn't post about it because...well, why would I?, Honestly, I feel bipolar with how up and down everything is. A lot of times I'll say ""I hate my life"" but it's really a shorthand for ""I hate that this is currently my life"". I mourn the life I used to have, and sometimes I regret insisting to my husband that we should try for kid(s). I think about the life I could have had were it not for my miscarriages - would I still have had an autistic child? I don't know, and I probably need professional help to work through my losses (regarding the miscarriages, the life I could have had, the ""normal"" life my autistic child could have had, etc.). 

I'm still able to find joy in smaller moments and try to look forward to things in the future - just trying to survive this season of life., Had I seen this question a few days ago or maybe even a few days from now and I would have given you a different response, but no. Absolutely not.

I really wish I wasn't his mother. I love him so much but I wish he wasn't mine. Someone else could probably be a much better parent than me. It is just a feeling of constant failure no matter how hard I try it's never enough. I know it's not fair to him but I'm starting to resent him. And I hate myself for it. I hate that the only way he pays me any attention is if I bark at him like a drill Sargent. I hate doing it but if I don't then he is just 100% feral. We can't go to the park. He has no sense of danger and it hurts so much seeing kids so much younger than him just miles and miles ahead of him. I don't feel like a parent, I feel like a keeper.


Edit about 24 hours later:

I debated about deleting this comment due to the pure shame I feel about having written it. I'm going to leave it up because I want others who might feel like I did yesterday to read this part too:

I was able to get a good night sleep, and so was he. His behavior isn't really that much different than when I wrote the comment,but my tolerance threshold is much higher now that I've had some time to sleep. I was overjoyed earlier today because he finally wore his ear defenders outside and he was able to play while the neighbor mowed his yard. He bamboozled me today by putting on his boots and picking up his tablet and a blanket. I picked up the keys thinking he was asking for a car ride but he ended up taking me outside because he wanted to nap on the neighbors trampoline snugged up with me. I melted. 


I still feel awful and ashamed for saying I didn't want to be his mother anymore, but even when I had that on my mind the fact that I love him more than anything never changes., No. And I realize that others here have it worse but I fantasize about not having to deal with the constant daily challenges. I feel trapped because I don’t believe I could ever leave. She’s 8 now. And I’m not sure if or when or how she’ll be able to be an adult and able to live on her own. She’s been kicked out of 3 schools, has lost me multiple childhood friends, lost my friendship with my best man in my wedding, created rifts with close family. There’s no babysitter we can find who lasts so my wife and I rarely get a night to ourselves. She sleeps like an adult and I have to drag her out of bed every morning just so that she goes to sleep before 11pm. If I don’t let her do what she wants she screams, calls me the worst names, says she hates me. And I’m paying $1k a month for her therapy.

I wish someone would’ve told me there was a possibility that this could be my life. I thought that because I worked hard in school, got a good education, great career, high income, work from home, that I could be happy. And yet this is my life., We have a 18 YO NT Daughter at College, 16 YO NTish Son at Junior College & a ASD 3 almost 3 year old who is pre-verbal (knows 12 words now).

I would define our life as very “Complex” our normal looks very different then most people but we are happy. Tons of therapy and as an example we just had our first movie out in 3 years while LO was in ABA.

But he is so very Awesome. Like anything in life the world is ultimately what you make of it. Personal clarity is really the root of happiness., Honestly speaking, having an autistic kid is very hard on  the parents. After my daughter was diagnosed, my life turned upside down. I couldn't go back to work because she is severe. Someone has to take care of her or look after her. She is 5 years old. My husband works full time, and he has financial responsibilities, so he can not help me out all the time. So, now, I am stuck with her, and I don't have a choice. No babysitter or daycare wants to deal with her because she is extremely aggressive at times. My life sucks!!! I cannot work, I cannot go out when she is home (unless my husband is watching her) I cannot have time to myself because she is clingy and wants attention or food all the time. I have become a prisoner in my own home!!! 
She is completely non-verbal and has extreme sensory issues. Respite care is only 20 hours per month in the state I am in. Most respite care providers lack staff to even give you a break. Honestly, I hate my life, I regret everything. I regret getting married. I regret having my daughter. If I could go back in time and change it, I would. I am just so burned out and so fed up that at times, I don't want to deal with it at all, but I don't have a choice. I miss my old life..so, think before you make that decision...life is not going to be easy if you have an autistic child., If you’re having questions like this without kids don’t have them. Simple blunt and to the point., I love my son - not any more or less because his autism. I love him because he's him. His Autism is a DISABILITY  but does not define who he is as a person.

I absolutely hate his Autism. My son is level 3, pre-verbal but in actuality still predominantly non-verbal. Autism is parenting on EXTREMELY HARD mode. Some people will sugar coat the shit out of it but trust, it's not for the faint of heart. Don't let tik tok, Pinterest, Facebook and this other social media fool you. Autism isn't a cute quirk, or a different type of brain wiring. It's a disability that requires, for some families, an insane amount of resources and time. 

If you know you may possibly be autistic, have autism in either of your families then think long and hard about having biological children. It's ""cute"" when it's a 2 minute tik tok or a gushy validation seeking Facebook or even reddit post but when you're looking in the face of a person you love most in the world, who you chose to bring in this world and KNOW they will struggle more than a person who is not disabled it's not so cute. It's not so quirky. It's not AUSOME 🙄. It's more often than not heartbreaking.

Not coming for you, just giving you a perspective from a mother who loves her son more than her next breath but  if I would have known my son would be disabled I would have never ever offered him up to this world. He deserves so much better than what life has in store for him.

Much love., Omg I love my life and my son with autism is one of (if not THE) best part of it. I think jt comes from a partial place of privilege bc we’re dealing w mostly not huge “challenges” rn speech delay and lack of interest in peers. He’s 3 and I know things will be harder as he grows and little kid problems grow into big kid problems. But my day to day life is made better everyday from my son. Nothing makes me happier than seeing him happy and helping to contribute to whatever he’s super interested at the moment (rn it’s letters/the alphabet). Even today I can easily say the highlight was a new alphabet book I got him arriving and him screaming w happiness and kissing the book saying “so happy” after he finished looking through it each time., Wouldnt say happy. But i wouldnt say its because of my daughter either. I just had a child too young and the lack of resources and financing (i make a decent salary for my age but insufficient for where i live). Having children is to sign up for stress, anxiety, depression, etc. to at least some degree. 

The grass is never greener on the other side. 

I dont know what life would be like without her because shes here. And I wouldnt want a world without her. Even if i regret how/when/with whom i brought her into this world., You could ask this same question on a general parenting group and you would find the same varied replies. Not all autistic kids are the same with support needs and not all parents and sibling dynamics are the same. People are going to have drastically different experiences. Also, most people who are happy don’t go posting about being so happy. So you are only going to see venting. I would say the answer is it’s highly dependent on your personality, your kid, financial resources for help, a village to help, etc., Honestly, this is the wrong few weeks to ask me this. So as of right now? no 

There are *things* that make me happy, but on the whole? No., Apologies, I’m about to be the outlier here. And sorry this is long! 

At the moment, no, I’m not happy. My husband and I are pretty stressed out and have been since our daughter was born five years ago. She was only one when the pandemic started so we had the added stressor of trying to keep the baby and ourselves from catching covid. She would have gotten diagnosed earlier if not for the pandemic (for a variety of reasons, including *we had no idea that her behavior wasn’t typical* until she was about three years old, because we were pretty isolated, because stupid pandemic). We thought it was just the terrible twos until we saw what NT three year olds were like and realized something was off. 

We might be in a happier place now if Covid hadn’t happened, ha. The irony is that with pandemic plus a very needy baby at the time, we decided not to have any more kids…but our kid would probably do well with a younger sibling, and it would take some of the pressure off us to have to play with her all the time. 

As of now we can’t go out to eat at restaurants or do normal family things because our kid is kind of a nightmare when I’m around. Pretty sure she masks around everyone who isn’t me, so I see all the less than stellar behavior. She and her dad can go out and do stuff. She and I can’t. She runs away from me, doesn’t listen, screams at me, etc. ABA helps somewhat but not enough that we can do typical family things. 

My advice on having a kid: you should only have one if you absolutely want to!! I 100 percent wanted a child, had IVF to have her, and it’s currently not going as I had hoped (and that’s an understatement). I do have hope for the future, having read others’ stories here about their kids mellowing out as they get older.

You never, ever know what you’re going to get with a child. Having one is such a crapshoot. Usually it turns out okay. Sometimes it doesn’t. You have to be prepared for the unknown and okay with things not turning out how you hoped., My kid is the sweetest kid ever and my favorite person in the entire world. He makes me want to live forever to be there for him. My unhappiness is due to my own mental health, I probably should not have become a mom until I got that in check, but I am, and I have to be better for him., i’m really happy, but my daughter is also low support needs and really only struggles with social skills and is still quite far behind verbally. she’s naturally pleasant and easy going, and she doesn’t display any “extreme” behaviours, so this is probably contributing to my level of happiness. i am sure i would be absolutely crazy about her no matter her level of support needs, but we definitely have it pretty easy when it comes to parenting an autistic child., My son is 5 years old, level 3, and nonverbal. He's the love of my life and I'm extremely happy. I would do anything for him. Realizing that he was autistic finally made me apply myself, I now have a job with good insurance that pays for his ABA at 90% (plus HSA funds for the rest). I've earned two degrees in order to switch careers because I know he'll have high needs throughout his lifetime. That being said, of course the isolation, destructive behaviors, sleep disturbances, and communication difficulties add stress on top of having plenty of stressors in my life already. I do have to vent sometimes, being a parent of a child with his needs isn't for the faint of heart. I don't know anyone IRL who would understand what I'm going through so sometimes I have to whine online., So I can say as a parent of a Kid that has Level 1 and Auditory Processing Disorder.  I wouldn't want him to have kids.  The likely hood that his children would have Level 2 or Level 3 is highly likely.  He's got it bad enough i couldn't imagine having children knowing that they would have it harder than you.  I just don't think it's worth it and it's not fair to the child., The experiences are going to vary widely, but I think the most important thing here is that you are trying to find any sliver of hope to convince yourself to have kids. I think you were clear in your other thread that your boyfriend is the primary motivation behind this. 


I'll be blunt: even now, women tend to do the lion's share of childrearing and housekeeping. In a divorce, fathers tend to fare better than mothers, even years down the line. If you have a disabled child, there's a very real possibility it will impact your ability to work. About 50% of us can't work, myself included. 


These are very real, serious things you need to think about. 


I will be taking care of my children forever, of that there's no doubt. Had I known my husband was autistic, had I suspected I was, we wouldn't have had children. 


Because - it's not fair to bring a child into the world who will always depend on you. It just isn't. If we lived in an ideal world where public education was actually funded and many of us didn't have to homeschool, if group homes were adequately staffed and funded, etc., it would be a different story. But what we're seeing now will still probably be a battle decades from now.  


I love my kids. We have happy moments. My 9 year old can now do a lot more, but he will always need help. But my youngest will be 7 this year and it's becoming increasingly obvious how much more severe his autism is. He's leashed everywhere we go and we don't live a normal life with him. 


I am isolated a lot. It has absolutely taken a toll on my marriage. We spend some evenings together after the kids are in bed, but as the youngest gets up and down, there's always interruptions. We don't have a baby-sitter. 


I have good relationships with my kids - but make no mistake, there is no ""me"" anymore. I have about 7-10 hours a week to myself. That includes showering time. 


This is a very hard life. It'll probably impact you more than a boyfriend or husband. Think long and hard. , I’m definitely happy. My daughter is 20 and nonverbal. She is the happiest and sweetest person alive. It’s not without struggle of course. She’ll never be independent and I’m caretaking far longer than I would have ever imagined. Still I feel so grateful for her. She’s such an innocent and gentle soul. I can’t imagine having missed out on her. I take her out to fine dining places routinely and last year she went to her first live concert and to Disney World. All this took work over years to get here, but sharing these moments with her finally is an indescribable joy. 

That said, we have considerable privilege in that I work from home and my career pays very well. Money is not a concern. Im healthy and young. 

I’m entirely self made and a single parent so I also know the other side of it. This life is easier when you have resources and support and no other significant stressors. But I would say the same thing of having children in general. There just are no guarantees. Typical kids can be physically ill, malicious, destructive, unlikeable, violent or any number of other things., The hardest part about parenting to me is not having any family support. My kids, one is autistic and the other probably neurodivergent in other ways (in the process of evaluating him), are actually quite amazing. Yes, there are hard phases and moments. My hardest moment so far has been the transition to elementary school because my autistic son struggled to regulate his emotions when things got difficult for him. Now that we adjusted his IEP, he enjoys school. 

But I’ve never spent more that a couple nights away from my kids and they’ve never gone a night away from being with me or their dad. The few times they’ve been away from me was when I couldn’t go to my in laws house out of stateso they left with their dad (my hubby). So that part has been hard too, family doesn’t really help daily. They don’t offer sleepovers and my mom always made excuses about it, until I just stopped asking., I am autistic and a parent. I am beyond happy. Most of my life I was so depressed and anxious and burnt out. My husband and my kids changed and saved my life. Still tired but my husband is an awesome stay at home dad retired from the military I work swing shifts 5 nights a week. We have an awesome relationship we had kids after 10 years together. We have one child with ASD and one NT. 18 months away from the youngest starting school and then we will have school days together to ourselves, No. The intense stress is literally killing me. My health keeps deteriorating in new and fun ways, I never know what’s next., My wife and I are both professionals with advanced degrees. Our son was born back in 2017 and he's the sweetest boy you'll ever meet. We decided having additional bio children wasn't for us just because of how hard the pregnancy was. In July we adopted a baby girl.

My son got a tonsillectomy today and has spent the past 3 hours post-op screaming at us and not drinking.

Do I wish certain things were easier (for him and for me)? Of course. Anyone who says ""they wouldn't change a thing"" is painting that overly rosy picture to try and convince themselves. But there has not been a single day in his life that I have ever wished he wasn't here.

Your question tho was ""are you happy with your lives?"". Having a neurodivervent child is harder on your marriage, your personal life and your work life. But I am absolutely happy with my life. My answer would probably be different if I had to stay home all day as the primary care taker because I've found I need to work if even for my own sanity and feeling of self-worth. 

Whether it's something you'd be happy with is ultimately up to you, but I genuinely wish you the best of luck and thank you for your post. Seeing adults with autism having these kinds of debates give everyone of us grinding daily tasks that are harder than they should be hope for their future., I’m happy sometimes?  And not happy other times?  At this point, it’s not really because of the kids, though young children are A LOT, regardless of neurotype. 

Really, I would say I am satisfied and content. If I didn’t have kids I could not have fun infodumping about Pokemon with them and watching them see things I love to do for the first time with happy excitement. It’s really cool. But they’re still people. And so you have to be realistic., I have a very close relationship with my son, he cried so much as a baby and I found inventive ways to soothe him and therefore we developed such a close bond. He’s very cuddly and loving. We do most of the things NT families do, dinners vacations, parks, hikes. We just put probably a little more planning into it than NT families, making sure they have food that he likes, things like that, plan b for I’d things don’t work out. Stuff like that. It’s gotten easier as he’s gotten older and more mature. He’s also very funny and artistic. I don’t thinks I’d change a thing. I have NT kids too and they all have their own challenges that make parenting hard too. I don’t think having NT kids guarantees smooth sailing either. If anything I worry less about his problems with academia and behaviors because I understand him ajd his struggles more than NT kids who just lack motivation or are acting out., No. I have moments of happiness but they’re always tinged with sadness., "" I want to want a kid so badly.""

You don't want kids! You should tell your boyfriend that in very clear terms. Don't have kids because you think you should. 

I have three kids I always wanted to badly and I'm still drained and resentful a lot of the time. Even neurotypical kids are SO MUCH WORK. I'm not minimizing how much work it is to have an autistic kid - but neurotypical kids still don't sleep through the night, go on food strike, poop their pants, throw a huge tantrum about an iPad, etc. It's so tiring even on good days and I can't imagine doing this if it wasn't something I wanted deeply., I am absolutely happy with my life. My autistic kid is actually my easier one! My frustrations are with the world and how it fails to accommodate him — not my kid who is a total delight and surprises me all the time., Nope. 35 m with a son with ASD and likely ADHD and another son who seems to have avoided both. Constantly burned out, overstressed, irritable. Love my kids, and we're doing our best, but happiness feels a long way off., Yes overall.  Most of things I find hardest about our life are more to do with my son’s comorbidities like his epilepsy and disability.  My boy is generally a sweet easy going boy who loves cuddles and tries his best (well most of the time lol).  We also have a typical 3 year old and that is part of our happiness because we can do a  lot of things we envisioned with her and sometimes our boy is able join.  Do I wish things were different with him? Yes, but that doesn’t mean I regret having him.  I love him.  I like him as a little person.  I don’t mind this alternate path a lot of the time., I have a really hard time keeping my house clean but honestly that’s my biggest complaint so I think we are doing AOk and I’m very happy! Our daughter is really flourishing this year - she’s 7 and she just starting wanting to have conversations, she ditched her headphones and has been dressing herself and we’ve had zero accidents! There’s definitely really hard periods but that is life in general, sometimes it sucks, sometimes it’s wonderful lol, I mean, I’m not depressed. Do I wish things were different, yes. But I’m not necessarily unhappy., I have 2 kids, 4 and 2; my 4 year old was diagnosed with autism about a year ago. He’s verbal and “high functioning”, but there are still things we have to work on and cause stress. I’m in my early 40’s, female, and while not diagnosed, I (and my parents) suspect I’m on the spectrum. My son’s temperament, the way his autism presents is so similar to me as a small child. My whole life has felt like a struggle; relationships, work/career specifically, my mental health. I still struggle a lot of with anxiety and depression and was terrified to have children but wanted them so I gave it a shot (made me anxious, I can’t lie). I can say without a doubt motherhood is the best thing that ever happened to me. It’s not easy all the time, but they, these two little humans and their personalities, bring me more joy and happiness than anything life has ever brought me. It feels like a gift to be a parent, in my experience. Many days are hard, I’m a full time working mother so scrambling to meet deadlines while getting my son to appts, ABA, etc, is rough, but my husband is very hands on and other family members nearby have been a support system for us. I know not everyone has that but it is a huge help., Not just that your child could be autistic also consider how you as an autistic would handle any child regardless of neurotype. Kids are an around the clock job. They are loud, they are messy, they need attention even if you are in burnout. They make noise when you need some quiet. They have smells and messy diapers. There’s 0 days of bed rotting allowed and you have way more pressure to be organized and put together and everything cleaned and remember stuff like their appts and school things etc. It’s alotttttttt….

Comparison is the thief of joy. I try not to think what my friends with NT kids are doing because their reality is diff. Their kids are eating a variety of food, they’re not hitting themselves in the head, they’re not melting down over basic things, they’re not in some autonomy struggle where a time out or counting to 3 isn’t effective at stopping negative behavior. And it is isolating to not have people to talk to that don’t offer useless suggestions because they don’t understand., Hi, turns out my husband and I are both on the spectrum, we went into it thinking it was just him (adhd was my dx)

There are hard parts, for sure. I can't say how your experience will be. I can tell you my children are happy, and most weeks so are we. We can go to festivals on the lake, big outdoor concerts, a whole bunch of things. We can't go to a indoor restaurant as a family, the din is too much.
 It's stuff like that; you just have to plan around yourselves and your kids. My kids might have different needs than yours. But I just wanted to chime in and say it can be fun, happy, and rewarding. 

My husband almost never smiled. He didn't really get into much that wasn't his interests. I can't explain to you the joy our children have shown on his face and in his day to day. It's crazy sweet to witness.

That said; agree with other comments. If you don't want kids please don't feel pressured. You get what you get and they need from you in a way that can be hard to manage., I wouldn't change my life for anything. My children give me purpose.
Yes, I'm overwhelmed, so so overwhelmed and burnt out but I love being a parent and I love their quirks and watching them both stim.
I just hope it gets easier managing 2 autistic children who have totally different needs.
I don't have a village to help me, I do 99% alone apart from school. The oldest doesn't sleep good.

If you are unsure about kids then don't let anyone try and talk you into it. Consider what you'd be giving up, make sure your partner is good with kids and especially clued up on potentially having an autistic child (or more than one).
Talk about how you'd raise the child, what values and ideals you want to teach them, parenting goals etc.
The mental load is also something to consider. Does your partner contribute to that now? Because if not it only gets worse when you have children.
I separated before my 2nd was even born because I wouldn't settle for a deadbeat., Firstly- I 1000% agree with prior post. If you don’t have a deep yearning for children, don’t have them. 
Second- my life has many happy moments. It also has many moments of despair. There are times when I feel weighed down by a thousand responsibilities. 
Third- don’t have kids unless you are 100% ready to deal with the consequences of a very low functioning child. My husband and I both know autistic kids from prior relationships. We both love our sons desperately, but it’s not a life I would volunteer for anyone. 
Fourth- it doesn’t end at 18. Are you willing to have a life often dictated by what your child can do? Are you prepared for the financial consequences?

If I had known beforehand that I would have an autistic child, then I would have adopted. I love my son, and that is part of the problem. I can’t protect him from the world. I can only support him. His life will always be a struggle, and that is not a life I would choose for a child, I'm very happy with my life. I was dx with autism the same time as my son. He is my world, and I love him so much that I'm having another in June. I don't even think about our dx most of the time. It's just a part of who we are. My family does better at life than most neurotypical people, so who the hell is anyone to judge me for living my best life?, I'm happy! I had and have problems and stressors, but none of it has outweighed my natural optimism and all the great things my life. And for the past three years, my daughter has been a big part of (both parts of) that. 

Is it a lot of work to keep up on all her therapies? You betcha. But all kids are a lot of work, so that was a given going into this. I have an extra workload, but I was never going to not be busy and tired as a late 40s single parent. 

Do I worry about her future? Absolutely. But I'm also very aware that I have it easier than most - she's very chill, fairly adaptive, and very smart. Happy and bouncing all around like a gummi bear. And once I knew she had receptive language, I was able to unclench. If she's never truly verbal (which her therapists do think she will be), we'll figure it out. She gets her messages across very clearly right now (and I'm basically deaf to body language or gestures, so she has to be broadcasting VERY LOUDLY), and we haven't even gotten to writing or an AAC yet. 

This weekend, we're heading off to Mexico on vacation for two weeks. Last year we went to Disney World. We don't get out nearly enough in general, but that's me being a lazy hermit, not her not wanting to. We go to the playground. The Please Touch Museum. Local fairs and theme parks. Play in the snow. There are places I can't take her (indoor malls, mostly), and things she can't do (fireworks, for instance, or parades). and places that used to be hard to take her but aren't anymore (out for meals springs to mind), but that doesn't mean we're trapped at home., Not happy. Don't have kids., Yes. While kids may be harder some days than others, we live a very peaceful, happy life as a family unit. Both hubby and I find time to pursue our hobbies and even do date nights once a month.

That said, 3-4 were really the hell years for our oldest, and things were bleak at that point., I am incredibly happy. 3 kids, 2 with autism, and a husband that works away from home all week long. It’s hard, sometimes I feel like I’m going to lose my mind, but I wouldn’t change a single thing., I have two autistic kids, one of which also has ADHD. I'm diagnosed ADHD and suspect autistic as well.  Our lives are good.  We do have some challenges that NT families don't, but the way I see it, all families will have different challenges. We do things that work for our family.  Sometimes that means skipping experiences, or different methods of doing things, or needing extra support, and that's OK.  I wouldn't trade my kids for the world. I have posted about struggles in harder times, but it's not that I resent or regret my kids, it's that I know there are people who will understand without judgment., My happiness (joy) does not come from having my children or their fluctuating levels of difficulty. Don't get me wrong - I greatly enjoy my children and I also face many frustrating circumstances with them too. They are a huge source of joy and love in my life, and I'd like to think more so than a source of heartache and frustration.

But I went many years without knowing two of my children and myself are likely on the spectrum (we are not professionally diagnosed yet) and while it's been very helpful in developing patience, understanding, and grace - both with myself and my kids - it has not been the make-or-break factor in determining how my life is going to go. 

Much of the big changes to living a happier, healthier life have been spiritual for me. I know not everyone will agree with me and that's okay. You don't have to. My greatest source of joy is my relationship with Jesus Christ. Everything has gotten better and easier to handle once I trusted in Him. It has put us in contact with mentors and people that are like family to us that are guiding us on this journey (and they have ASD kids and relatives too!).

A lot of this growth has come with mindset changes and getting rid of old beliefs I used to have about children/families that came from trauma and from growing up in a rather toxic household. (We are NC now and I have never had more peace!) Tackling these issues head on has relieved a lot of the anxiety and stress I used to have around managing kids, a house, a marriage, homeschooling, etc. The last 2 or 3 years have been the best I've ever had, and I can finally hope and believe that things are going to get even better for us still. 

But ultimately it's been a choice. Sure, there will be difficult days, stressful days, but also happy days and days to celebrate. I cannot and will not push you one way or the other about having children - that's your decision. Whatever you decide, will you choose to look for the positive or the negative in life? Because your joy will not be found *only* in children or parenting.,  I had no idea I was autistic and now I have 3 very young autistic kids. The stigmatization is very difficult and the constant advocating, standing up for your kids and proving people about your kids are exhausting. I got much more criticism from families than strangers which is very hard. I am lucky my kids appear to be level 1-2 I guess. My older son is pretty darn rigid especially at evenings but other than that he is fine., I’m happy but I do feel I’d be happier if I could communicate and connect with him more. That’s my answer., We seem to oscillate between look at us with our collective shit together and there’s been no aggressions, no one has gotten crab pinched, everyone is CHILL. Then there are times I pick him up from his dad and he bashes his head into the closed car window and usually once I get onto i95, he will unbuckle his restraints and come for my neck quite literally. My son is non speaking, but I feel I fulfill his wants and needs. He is as quick to respond in a loving manner with hugs and kisses as he is to hurt me, or his younger brother. We are his two targets when he is upset. I have remarried, years ago. My husband and son have a very special bond and my husband also just naturally has more patience than I do. He also has four of his own children with his ex wife. The man has experience. My ex husband and his wife have a bad habit of leaving our son out of family gatherings and parties. I can understand going to unfamiliar places with unfamiliar faces. But we take him to gatherings. The pool. The zoo. The park. It’s difficult though since he loves all of those places, I look like a kidnapper trying to get him to leave. 

I love my boys. I love all six of these kids. He does add a level of trickiness to things we do. We have to be vigilant as he will cut and run. I feel like since we share custody, we get a “break”. My youngest son, who as I said is a target oftentimes, does not get a break from his brother. There’s a lot of anger surrounding that. My youngest is in therapy on his own and also we do family work together. 

Some days are better than others. Sometimes I have to go hour by hour. It’s the nature of the beast. Plus he’s almost 14. Imagine being a 14 year old boy and going through puberty and feeling so confused. We explain but I honestly and say what he retains and processes. 

Don’t get depressed over what could possibly be, you’d never get very far. There’s so many variable in parenting and having a family that meshes well. It’s impossible to plan for everything. If you’re thinking this deeply about it, you’re already aware of what COULD happen. When I close my eyes and think of my Parker, I mostly see a giggly goofer with floppy hair that just wants a tickle and some seltzer water. That’s a pretty picture for me to have in my mind., You don’t.  If you do not want kids then you don’t want kids.  If he does then you two have a major incompatibility and likely need to move on to other partners who share the same life goals.   He will resent you eventually for not wanting kids and if you decide to appease him then you may resent him for pressuring you.    I know parents of neurotypical kids that are unhappy and I know parents of autistic kids who are happy with their children.   My ex has 2 autistic girls and is very happy with them.    I find my son to be challenging but not the reason for my unhappiness.  If anything he is the reason I left a horrific relationship my life may not be what I had envisioned for myself but it’s soo much better than it was before., I get told all the time what a dear my autistic child is.  He is smart (reading at 3) , social (have to rein him in) and loves to compliment people.   What I’m unhappy with has nothing to do with him.  He is my joy., Hell yeah I’m happy, Having a NT son first, before my NueroSpicy younger son ended up helping me understand this question. 
I only have boys, but BOTH of them are equally hard., >But are there any parts of your life that are genuinely good.

There are some good parts, yes. Overall I am not happy but that doesn't mean it's ALL bad.

>Are you able to do any of the normal and fun things that neurotypical families do?

Some things, yes. My autistic child is able to handle some activities really well. Strangely, she did amazing at Disneyland lol. She enjoys being in nature so we do a lot of hiking and camping. But other ""normal"" things like eating at a restaurant is usually a no-go.

>Do you have a good relationship with your child and your spouse?

I have a good relationship with each of my children. They have their moments where it's all about dad and they don't want me, but for the most part yes. My spouse is another story, though. Our relationship has definitely suffered since having children.

>Are you ever not burnt out depressed irritable and overstimulated? 

I have brief moments where I'm not irritable and overstimulated but that describes probably 90% of my life., It's ok to not want kids if you don't want them , it's your life . Live it how you want . 
I have a son with Autism and I can't lie at one point I wasn't sure if I could carry on because he was really aggressive and hurting me . BUT that was partly my fault , he can't talk but I wasn't listening . We forget there's a hundred ways to communicate. Once I learnt to watch his cues and listen to him he calmed down so much. He's so much more affectionate and he's happy ! I'm happy ! I love my life now and we work together . I just don't do things with him that other kids do but that's ok . I hated going to the park as a kid and kicking a ball and as someone without autism I love being at home and hate going out so for us we connect haha 
Once you realise that there are so many things you can do that makes you both happy ie we love spinning and chasing each other , love bouncing then you can find things together . But you have to work at that ., My (now 9 year old) daughter is the very best ‘thing’ that has ever happened to me.  She is the light of my life and the joy of my heart.  I’m so amazed by how thoughtful, kind, silly, and sweet she is!  

I’m so thankful every single day for her.  It took us over a decade of trying to be able to have her (on my second cycle of IUI at a fertility clinic).  Life is really hard and messy and beautiful.  She makes me want to be better and do better.  It’s a rocky road but it’s getting better through a lot of hard work.  
Anything worth having is worth working for.

I highly recommend working on your own mental health and your relationship before you try for kids.  Once you have children, everything changes, and it’s much harder to manage self-care.  If either of you have childhood trauma, please address it asap as it is really triggered when you have your own children., It's ok to not want kids. My 3 year old is level 2 and if he makes the choice as someone who's autistic not to have children I'll 100% support him. But as for your question I'm very happy to be the mother of an autistic child and as far as we know a NT child(he's only 4 weeks old). Of course it can be hard especially because I'm bipolar so I get a little wonky at times but I find my life with children very fulfilling but yes over stimulating more so when the toddler and baby are crying at the same time., What does it mean to be happy to you?, I am the parent of a young child (6m). My stress is not to do with my child per se, but rather the frustration of trying to suss out services/resources. 

One thing I have learned in life is that everything is a matter of outlook. I came to parenthood relatively late in life(early 40s). In my 20s I focused a lot on the negative things that happened in my sphere of existence. I was not ready to be a parent then. Somewhere around 29 I realized that s**t happens to everyone. It is just a matter of whether or not one allows that mess to be the focus of the rest of one’s day. It was eye-opening and definitely worked to reset my approach to daily living. I didn’t become a different person, but I did work to be less triggered by things I could not control. 

There came a time in my 30s when a kind of calm just settled over me about becoming a parent and it felt absolutely cosmically right to have a child. I am supremely grateful that I get to discover the world through his eyes and also that I get to help him learn to develop the tools to deal with the world around him. You, OP, may be in an even better place to help your child because unlike me you are also on the spectrum. 

Is it challenging? Hell yes, but the majority of what makes me frustrated comes from external issues, such as the lack of coordination with respect to available resources and the fact that there is no one place to find them.  

You never know who your child is going to be personality-wise, regardless of their place on the spectrum. You could have a typical child that challenges you more than any other child might. You could have a child on the spectrum that is amazingly easy personality-wise., No. Always tired, have had to give up pretty much everything that gives me joy because of lack of childcare, about to have to lose a career I worked hard to build (and is the last thing I enjoy as everything else has been stripped off me) as child can’t go to school, plus all the battles with institutions that should be helping but are not - even after a good fight.
Life is just more of the same frustrations, getting through each day knowing tomorrow will be the same - or worse. The constant threat of poverty due to the lack of appropriate resources to my child and my likely inability to work in the near future because of that. 
The very little engagement I get back from my child after all that. 
It’s lonely and it’s tiring., I haven’t been genuinely happy in years. I can’t remember what joy feels like. I don’t think I can even feel my soul anymore. Sorry it’s bleak!, I’m a “high functioning” autistic woman, with a 6 year old low functioning, non verbal daughter. Her father abandoned us after being ingolved for five years of her life -he was the one who wanted to get me pregnant and manipulated me into avoiding abortion- , he doesn’t pay child support and left me to be the default parent (as always, only this time is worse because I’m almost all alone). My life is hell everyday, and I wish I was dead most of the time., I am AuDHD with two AuDHD children and I would say that I am happy. I’ve always struggled with anxiety and depression and have a massive amount of past trauma, but I’m as “happy” as I have ever been. This life is hard though. Being a parent is overwhelming most of the time but also very rewarding. However, I always knew I wanted kids. Even though it is a very hard life, I couldn’t imagine not having kids. But if you aren’t 100% sure you want kids, don’t have them. If you don’t have a deep longing to have children and feel like your life isn’t complete without them, don’t do it. Being a parent is a 24/7 commitment for 18 years and doesn’t just end at 18. I didn’t know I was AuDHD when I had kids. I’m overstimulated and exhausted basically all the time. I love them dearly though and do the best I can for us all. I would lay down my life for my kids in a heartbeat but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel like I’m about to lose my mind at any given moment. One warning I can give you though, don’t count on having any help. Your bf may be a great person, but 98% of fathers don’t provide half the childcare or emotional support, not to mention the cleaning and running the household. If you decide to go through with having children, don’t do it unless you are prepared to be the primary parent with no support. Mothers often can’t count on family or friends to help either. I moderated a mom support group and the horror stories I read would give you nightmares., im happy for the most part but i think if i had another child, who most likely would be autistic, id lose it and feel regret. my son is only 3 years old and we’ve had a lot of hard moments. its been a real journey navigating this life with an autistic child that the thought of going through it all again makes me already regret it lol. If you don’t want any children, listen to yourself. In the end, moms carry the heavier load of parenting (i know not always but usually) and it can really take a toll on you. i’m pretty sure i’m autistic as well and if i would’ve known before, i wouldn’t have gotten pregnant. I love my son but I think my mind/body can only handle him., I looked at your other post and I think all of your worries are valid. It's hard. It's really really hard to be neurodivergant with neurodivergant kids, but it is doable. I would suggest ensuring you have all of these items in place before having children: 1) a really strong supportive long lasting relationship with someone who understands neurodiversity and is able to support you during tough times 2) other support people and services like housecleaning, babysitting, therapy etc 3) lots of money so you don't have to work crazy hours outside of the home AND parent 4) healthy coping methods like art, music, whatever 5) access to services for early intervention (if needed) for your child., Very happy. Also very appreciative of having a ND child. Has made me a better and more caring, compassionate person, I am truly happy with my life. My 5 year old is autistic and every day she wakes up I tell her I’m so happy to be her mama. We have our challenges but I’m happy and so is my family., It depends on the day. As of late things have been shit as my son has been having self injury screaming fits for bedtime. Both my husband and I tag team restraining him. It really fucking sucks. If it gets worse, we’ll have to call an ambulance to take him somewhere., What really torments me, is knowing that I'm going to die and leave my autistic child behind. He has a lot of capability, but I don't think he'll ever be *completely* independent. Other than that, I think I'm pretty happy. I have a wonderful husband, and we're financially secure enough to easily afford anything we need. 

My son is pretty happy, loves school, laughing, cuddling, etc. He is a lot of work, but he also makes me very happy (as does his NT sister)., Not happy. If I could go back I wouldn’t have had children., I love my life- i have two kids with ASD. There’s a lot of appointments and therapies which is hard but worth it. And a lot of late nights. My husband seems neurodivergent (and by that I mean undiagnosed) and understands our oldest way better and can better anticipate her needs in a helpful way (just as an example- counting down as I brush her hair because “she just needs to know it’s going to be over” and he was right that helps her a lot) I think being a parent is hard and all parents feel pressure to be a perfect parent and maybe that’s more intense when you have kids with different needs especially because you see all these therapists and specialists. 

Everyone is slipping on a banana peel away from a disability- which I mean anyone could develop a disability at anytime and life is unpredictable so I wouldn’t let that hold you back because nothing is guaranteed anyway- even for neurotypical kids. Some people are neurotypical and easy to raise- but still grow up to be jerks. Every person born is a chance to make the world a better place. And if you decide it’s not for you that is totally ok too- there are lots of ways to share that love in your heart without having a child., Very happy! With added disclaimer that I think we have it pretty easy with my 3yo.  Harder than my friends with NT kids. But much easier than many of the parents here in this community. And that certainly affects the experience.

He’s got a few words, getting more, though inconsistent. He doesn’t have trouble telling us what he wants (body language + vibes lol). The harder part is his very limited receptive language. But hey, he has some now and a year ago it was literally zero, so progress.

He is snuggly and affectionate. Silly and sweet. He also pinches and bites me at times (I’ve got some battle scars). And tests limits allllllllll the time.

But being his mom is a joy. It’s tiring and I get overstimulated. But we are one and done, so we can tag out to recharge when needed.  

Which is a key reason I can come here and say I’m happy, and mean it., Yes, I am. Even though my 3yo is autistic I feel I got really lucky with most things. She doesn’t have many behaviors, she sleeps through the night, we can easily engage with her. She’s nonverbal but she has her ways of telling us what she wants/needs. I also have older kids 7yo & 9yo and she doesn’t play with them much but she can tolerate being around them without getting upset that someone is in her space. I thank God for her, she’s saved me in more ways than one and made me look at life in a whole new perspective 🩷, If your sole pursuit in life is to be ""happy,"" you'll be a prisoner of this chase forever.  Raising kids in general is a tough business.  There are so many factors out of your control it's a miracle that they can make it so far, with all the help and village (or lack thereof) to raise them.  It's all about perspective; there will be good times, bad times, ugly times and hard times.  This is regardless of whether your kids is neuro divergent with ASD or any other health/mental/genetic abnormalities.  You have to take a leap of faith and understand your child may or may not be who you thought they're going to be.  For many parents with kids that have ASD diagnosis, it's not about finding the typical happiness of rearing a child, but finding deeper meaning in hopes of preparing their kids for a future that they deserve despite having their disability.  Good luck and I hope you the best in whatever you decide., I love my children with all of my heart, might, mind, and soul. My 9 year old is ND and my 6 year old is NT. My NT kid is just as hard if not harder than my ND kid. And Yes I am happy. Not content but happy. It gets easier as they get older. Not easy, but easier and helping them figure out life and what works is the best and when something clicks for them, oh my gosh. I love when he figures things out. Sometimes he will write notes and it’s like wow you are listening and learning and they are such happy parent moments. He’s the best kid ever (I’m absolutely biased.) and I wouldn’t change our journey because it’s make me, him, his sister and his father better people. We have learned so much on this journey. I love my life. I really do., I often do this thing where I time travel in my head, try to meet my partner earlier, go into a different career, avoid bad experiences or horrible people but every single time I abandon the daydream - because even in a make believe moment I don't want to jeopardise anything via butterfly effect that would stop her coming to me, *exactly* as she is., I will agree with the comments saying don't have kids unless you want them. SERIOUSLY!?! I sometimes think the boomers didn't want children, but they did so because they were supposed to..."" they seem like they hated having children.  I digress. 

In all seriousness,  I wanted children since I was an adult.  I am autistic and my oldest (5) is autistic.  My youngest is very different from my oldest, and we're not seeing any of the signs we saw with the older one of autism. We'll see as she gets older. 

I've never questioned the difficulties and whether or not it's worth it.  I am fulfilled most days,  even though it's tough.  It's easy to complain and vent about the hard stuff.  My oldest had an upset stomach on the drive home from school today and was screaming in the car.  I wanted to start screaming myself from her ear piercing screams.  But then I remember that my parents were quick to anger and quick to violence,  and I'm suddenly happy that my daughters get to grow up in a home where they feel like they belong and are loved and accepted as they are. 

Yes,  I'm trying to give them a life I didn't have,  but I also love the things we do together. We go camping,  we learn stuff together,  I share my experiences, and, although the older one doesn't say it very often,  I know she loves me and nothing even comes close to that feeling. The youngest is in a daddy phase and I can't get enough.  Even if she wants me in the middle of the night or when I don't have much in the tank.

It's hard to imagine a world where you are a slave to their every need,  but once you're in it,  the world you used to live in sewms a little less exciting. I do miss some of the freedom, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. I love it. 

But remember,  if you choose to have kids,  you commit.  There's no going back.  Once you're in it,  you're in it for life. Dive head first and don't look back., This is a bit philosophical, so bear with me, but happiness is relative. Happiness is not the goal to achieve in the end. Happiness is the journey. 
One can choose to be happy no matter the circumstances, and there is joy in little things. You can have the perfect life but still be unhappy, and you can have nothing and yet be happy.

I love my autistic child more than anything, and yet I struggle sometimes, even cry, but I wouldn't change my life, not one bit. I enjoy every moment, no matter if it breaks my back. 

I share this thought knowing that it all sounds a bit holier than thou, and it's not something people who are struggling want to hear, but I know there are parents here who think the same way. This is also something I learned at a young age, but it takes a lifetime to really imbibe it and make it a part of your core.
So, to answer your question, yes, there are people here who are truly happy. There are people with neurotypical kids who are the definition of unhappy. It's all a matter of perspective., I am but my son is still small so I worry about the future. I’m currently pregnant with my second., Just something to keep in mind is your child might have much higher support needs than you do. So make sure you have a lot of support. 

Also I think being am autistic parent is harder in general whether your kid is NT or ND just because of the sensory overload etc 

Do what's feels right for you! The spectrum is so wide, people will have vastly different experiences., Hmmmm. While I am happy, Im in the stage of my life where it is getting kinda easy, but slowly.

Our son is 2, almost 2.5. Progressively getting better! We are extremely proud of his progress, however it is hard. The tantrums, the stimming, not being able to successfully communicate, texture and feeding issues, and his lack of social skills.

Aside from those, I can say we take our son to many child filled events. And my kid sticks out like a sore thumb, to me. To any other parent he’s a cute 2 year old, but we know where he falls short so when he is around kids his age it is noticeably sad for us. We want better for him always, but it is hard to not compare, or wonder how life would be. 

I think as a parent of an autistic kid, you have to really remember the spectrum is different for every kid. Your struggles may not be my struggle, but it does get easier. It just takes time. 

My son did a 180 from last year, to this year and boy has it made life easier in many ways. Still challenges, but hey… progress is progress.

Goodluck, Content and generally happy, Yes - but not blissfully so - we are not Facebook/insta perfect in my household - haha. My SN child is my youngest of 4. Honestly, I can say each kid has their own annoyances and difficult behaviors depending on their stage in life. Sometimes all the kids are difficult all at the same time (or frustrating) and sometimes everyone is okay for a bit, with every combination between. We been at this parenting stage for long time now - our oldest is in college and we just started SN/integrated preschool in the fall for the youngest. 

Some days are dreadful and take everything in us just to make it to the end of a day (or when the day ends after every both of the sometimes insomniac littles finally falls sleep at 5-8am - Finally!! ). And some days are much easier than others, there may be less arguments that day and I just might see the special bond building between the kids, or my almost verbal youngest kid learns a new phrase and those days are when I feel like I'm rocking parenting and my heart just sails. 

My husband and I talk a lot about what if we hadn't had the last 2 kids ( one NT , one SN) and we always agree, we couldn't imaging our lives without them exactly as they are. Yes, I wish their lives would be easier to live through (especially the SN kiddo) but I wouldn't give them up or trade them for an ""easier kid"". We encourage special interests and try to make decisions for each kid based on what is best for them that year regarding schooling and activities. Be weird and unique and learn to laugh at yourself before anyone else has the chance.
We use these mantras to encourage each other....
"" the days (and phases) are long, but the years are so short."" and 
""When you're going through hell the only way out is to put your head down and keep goin til your through to the other side""

It can suck  sometimes, but the good times get us through the bad times. It's life set on hard difficulty, but not impossible mode.

At the end of the day, I make myself pick one good thing to be grateful or happy for so that I can count it as a small win., If you’re aware and prepared to have them then why not? Teach them about mental health early on and educate them. It was only a problem for me because mental health wasn’t talked about with me and my siblings. Break the stigma and educate. You can have bpd and be a good parent with treatment and that being said my oldest is autistic but we suspect our 2nd baby isn’t because he doesn’t have muscle weakness like my first did and he’s already reaching every milestone he’s supposed to be doing. Sometimes mental health issues can skip generations so it’s not even a 100% guarantee each of your kids will have anything. I drew the unlucky straw and got my dads mental health issues but one of my sisters and my brother are mentally well. But in all fairness if my mom didn’t cause trauma and I knew about what I had then I think I would have been fine., I’m content. I’ve been pursuing happiness since long before I had my daughter, but it’s elusive no matter what your life circumstances are. I often thought I have it easier than parents of NT kids. She’s 17 now and it’s not all sunshine and roses, but I wouldn’t say I was unhappy., How old are you? Had i waited until i was in my 30s, i would probably be happy and able to handle a difficult child. I became a parent when i was just entering adulthood.  I was learning to be grown while being responsible for a new life., I'm extremely happy. I love my son dearly and I know he loves me., My answer may vary day to day—even on hard days I’m happy, and even on easy days I can fall into a black hole. But more often than not I feel happy. My daughter will always need help, the world won’t always be kind, but I feel love and give love to her. It’s a gift. But again, ask me tomorrow and I may feel sorry for myself, sorry for my kid, and pissed at the world., Hey mom of two with one ASD son and another that as of now seems to be NT (9 months so a bit early to tell). Autism as my husband and I discovered seems to run on his side and on mine we have a lot of anxiety/adhd. We are very lucky to have an overall easy and happy child and truthfully the luck and support seems to be what makes our life easier. We do have hard days where neither boy is happy or I’m overwhelmed or my husband is. But we make it work and we make time. We have a lot of very supportive family that is always able to watch the boys for us to go and be a couple and just get a break. We did have a hard with our son’s initial diagnosis, but since then we’ve learned to celebrate all of his accomplishments and advancement. We both love our boys very much and care for them, having had them willingly and consciously. Funnily enough our NT presenting child is actually who my husband has struggled with more. So I feel like everyone’s situation is different. We find joy in going out as a family and introducing our sons to new experiences but again all situations are unique since our son is pretty easy going and loves to try new things. At the end of the day I find that those that consistently regret children the most are the ones that had to convince themselves into having them. Children should be a choice that you make enthusiastically. Because it’s better to possibly regret not having had a child than regret having had one., If you would have asked me 2 years ago, I would have replied, "" Hell no! 1 star--would not recommend."" I would have gone back in time and talked myself into sterilization. We almost didn't survive. 

Things are better now, but I am still working through a lot of C-PTSD from the rough years. I still struggle to feel ""motherly"" towards my eldest (17M/lvl3/ in residential due to violence). The little dude (14/lvl3) is alright though. He has his meltdowns occasionally but nothing like his brother and we can handle it. Haven't had to call the cops once yet (for violence, that is...he is an eloper but we have him tagged now). 

I'm glad we made it, but the dark days were baaaad. I'm glad I didn't let the darkness win and end up on the evening news. 

If I knew what I was going to have to go through, then I probably wouldn't have been brave enough to do it. 

I'd be a lot richer too, but that's a minor consideration for me., Happy is an emotion that comes and goes with current factors.  Some days/seasons we’re far from happy. It’s miserable and it feels like we’re in endless darkness. 

Other moments bring unthinkable happiness…my little guy finally catching a specific species of fish he’s been reading about, or finding a giant sketchy snake, or sharing his extreme enthusiasm for Moby Dick.  


Overall, it’s tough. But God made our dude unique.  There are 9 billion people on earth and not one is like ours.  So after the meltdowns and punching and violence and social problems and broken furniture and etc… God wanted us to have him and we buckle up and do what we need to do., Am I happy with my life? YES! I absolutely love my kids. And I have an amazing, supportive spouse who is active in raising our kids. Is our life perfect? Do we get to do everything we want to do? Absolutely NOT. I gave up a lot of myself and hobbies even when my first kid was born and hes not diagnosedwith ASD. 

I used to be an avid snowboarder, some people take their kids at a young age but I didn't, my oldest was a lil slow on milestones but never flagged for autism. I used to camp a lot and go on long backpacking/camping hikes, camping with a little with ASD, not potty trained and prone to eloping would cause me more anxiety than it was worth. Hoping to start going on easy camps again in the future but haven't mustered up the courage yet. We used to go to comic-cons and large social events with our oldest but those things also became too much with a high needs kiddo who doesn't like crowds. I haven't been to see a movie in theaters since before my youngest was born either. 

Kids, whether ND or NT will cause your life to change. You might not be able to do some things you take for granted now. But I'm also quite anxious and over cautious in general. Having kids should be something you really want, and you should be prepared for your life to change regardless of whether they are NT or ND. Never let someone else pressure you into having kids. If you do, you could come to resent your potential kids and no kid deserves to grow up feeling unwanted. Life is hard enough as it is., Tired sometimes, but overall a very happy husband and father. My kid is a double rainbow baby. Two heart wrenching miscarriages before him. We really wanted a child, and we were blessed with a child during probably the roughest part of our marriage. But I swear since he was in the womb he’s been trolling us, and I mean that in a sincere “haha” way and not a bitter way. Parenting isn’t easy. Parenting a rambunctious, inquisitive, autistic 3 year old is probably more so. When I see parents of younger toddlers just walking in a parking lot with their kid just following them and not holding hands I always let out a “must be nice”. 

I’m very fortunate though. My kid rarely if ever melts down. He’s getting better every day with communicating. He goes to school and daycare so my wife and I are able to work full time and he seems to be doing well in that environment. As he gets older things may change but right now I am happy. He is a great kid., Life has challenges by itself, it does not matter if you have kids or not. I had my son until I was 37, because I did not want to have kids, but my husband did, we are separated now and I am with my kid.  Life :)
I was not totally happy without my kid, do not think that kids would make you happy or unhappy.
What is really important is that you be surrounded of a good group of people, that are there for you.  Identify things that you enjoy before kids, so when you feel that you need a me time being a mom, you just have this list of things and ideas that would help you.
Every decision has a new joys and responsibilities, that we were not use to.  If you buy a car you now have to remember to take it to service for oil change, now you can get a flat tire, save money for the gas, you have to clean it, and you can drive farther and see new things., Hi. I don't think you should have a child unless you really want one, otherwise it's very likely you might end up resentful which would be disastrous for both you and your child.

Also there's so many variables with raising someone neurodiverse whether you're neurodiverse or not (My husband was neurodiverse, I have some characteristics but I'm sort of borderline but my father and two of my siblings are most likely neurodiverse). I have four children. My oldest is turning 21 and is autistic (I'm not sure how levels work, but she has a lot of anxiety, is verbal and in college, then i have 17 year old triplets, one who has ADHD and emotional challenges, two boys who are autistic, one is similar to his sister. The other is a lot less self aware, has ADHD.  He didn't start really talking until 4 or 5 but now talks all the time about his favorite subjects.

Some of the following you probably know from your own experience so apologies if i sound pedantic here.

1. How hands on will your boyfriend be?
2. **How much support will you have?** What I mean is state support, community support or family support? I live in a community that considers helping others to be a huge priority. Because of that I had a lot more support.  I don't have much family support as until recently I didn't have family living near me. I live in NYS which provides a lot of support. That makes a HUGE difference.
3. Since it's a spectrum (which you know of course0 **it's impossible to really know how much needs your child would have.** I have it easier because my autistic kids are relatively easy to manage.  Nobody's a runner. Two of them will most likely be able to be independent.
4. This is related to point 1. **Kids have way more services than adults do.** My sister in law lived in Ohio but moved back to NY because when her daughter turned 21 there didn't exist any programs for her. In her case her daughter has down syndrome, but it would be the same for an autistic adult,  a My niece has day programs, also goes away some weekends and has a multiple week summer program she goes to that otherwise my SIL is an empty nester (she's in her 60s) that makes a huge difference in her life.
5. **How was your childhood?** I grew up in a single parent household with 4 siblings (we were 5 all born within six years) for most of my childhood. That helped prepare me for having kids and also eventually for widowhood eight years ago. It doesn't mean life is easy, but my expectations were different than my mom having five children when she grew up with one sibling seven years younger than her with a perfectionist mother.

Okay so after all THAT I'll answer your question.

As a parent I've been overwhelmed in different ways. When my oldest was 18 months she had a seizure. That's not uncommon apparently with autistic kids but I didn't know this until this year when speaking to another parent. Do I regret having my children. Never. That said, I had factors that made it easier. 1. I had a lot of community support. We have an organization for families of special needs that has been amazing. 2. I live in one of the best states for raising autistic kids. That doesn't mean it's been easy. But it's been easier. 3. I had a husband who wasn't always present but very supportive. 4. My kids are verbal, and for the most part easier to parent. That said my oldest has a lot of anxiety about basic living which makes it hard for her to function. Thankfully she's getting therapy. And yet I didn't go on a trip by myself for 16 years. I finally went this summer on a family road trip with my mom, sister and her wife while one son was in camp, my child with emotional challenges was in respite and the other two were able to stay home.

Am I overall happy? Yes. My kids are great. I sometimes haven't been as great as I could be for them especially in the earlier years. I am on anti-anxiety medicine too and see a therapist. I also didn't have kids until i was 32 so I had my twenties to be independent which also helped, but is it hard. Have I gotten overwhelmed? yes and yes. And that's with community support and support from the state., I’m happy enough, I am not happy but I wasn’t happy before kid either. I was able to hyperfocus on my career in advertising and I was incredible at it. It’s my fault, I didn’t know much about mental health at all. Once I had my son and began worrying about him and then the diagnosis, everything became so clear about myself. I am totally burnt out now as my sons primary caretaker, 9 years of no more than 2-4 hours of sleep at a time leaves my cup completely empty. You know when I am happy- when I drop him off at school and have silence in the car. That’s the peak of the day., My son is 2.5 years old and non-verbal. I tear up all the time when I see 18 month old babies talking and communicating so easily with their parents. What an easy life that many people take for granted. They even joke with me “you would wish they would just shut up like yours!” 🙄

HOWEVER, my son has taught my husband and I so much about the true meaning of love. And our patience has been one that’s way higher than it ever was without our son. We also know how to deal with people that are similar to our son and it’s amazing to see.

Kids in general are HARD, autistic or not. In my opinion, it’s harder than marriage itself. But with the right partner, love, patience, and access to the right tools, it can be very rewarding 💕, Yes. I teach kids with autism. I have a monogamous realtionship but will never marry, and I love my life!, I will preface this by saying that my kid is level 2, but overall I am happy. I'm tired and sometimes overwhelmed, but it doesn't feel as if it's at a very different level to other working parents of neurotypical kids. I think every three year old is a little energy vampire. 

It has definitely gotten easier as he has gotten older. He is currently chilling and listening to his Toniebox, and I have been doing some light cleaning. We are going to the science museum in a bit. We did the zoo on Monday, and an Easter Egg hunt last weekend. He's on spring break, but normally he has school during the week. 

I don't know. I am sure there are some unique challenges we are experiencing, and his therapy schedule is intense, but ... It doesn't feel like it is very different to having a neurotypical kid, especially as he is becoming increasingly verbal and wanting more interaction with me.

Again, level 2 kid, so I am not saying my experience is universal., Having kids us hard weather they are NT or ND. But you just love them through the hard times and there will be PLENTY! my 6yo is autistic and I wouldn't change him for nothing. He's the best boy and has made my life better. I have a 1 yo and idk if she is autistic or not yet.  It's hard to tell for sure when they are little but she may have some common early signs.. which honestly.  Nothing could make me happier if she was. I'm just used to doing life like this and always loved helping special needs people even when I was a kid.. so I think I'm just made for this 💪, I’m happy, my toddler is awesome, I’ve got a great support system, and an effective game plan to meet her where she’s at for her life. Are there days that are hard, absolutely, but I’m happy. Now I discussed heavily with my husband that ASD runs in my family before having a child to ensure that we had talked about what the challenges would be and how to best support any child we may have. If you do have a child and you notice missing milestones, fight for a therapy referral. I started talking with my child’s doctor at 1.5 years that she’s showing symptoms of a delay. At two we got her into ot/st and while we’re still showing signs of a delay, the gap is lessening, and I’m very confident she will be an independent adult, without any need for paid long term support. Children can get speech and ot before ASD evaluations comes into play. But if you are concerned about not meeting the needs for an ASD child, adoption is just as valid an option., I'm very satisfied with my life. We went through a really hard time a couple of years back, but that was mostly unrelated to my kids. My soon to be ex-husband was emotionally abusive and manipulative and made my life very hard for a very long time. Life is so much better now. It does help that their dad has them half the time, so I have time to myself. 

My kids are my whole world, and I love them to bits and am so grateful and happy to be their mom. They have relatively low support needs, and we can go out into the world and do most normal stuff. My 5yo has a lot of anxiety, so going to new places is always challenging, but it's been getting easier. My only real complaint is that my 3yo sleeps terribly, and the sleep deprivation takes a toll. I'm hopeful that it will get better as he gets older. It's already gotten a lot better compared to 6 months ago., I’m not only AudHD, I have severe trauma -ptsd, depression, anxiety, hashimotos hypothyroidism, severe migraines, substance use disorder (have been clean 13 years) and other things. I had my son at 33. He is truly the best thing that ever happened to me and my life is so much fuller now and seeing his smile makes me happy. I can say it’s hard but being a parent can be hard at times. I can also say that I am truly happy. I appreciate my child and he is the light of my life. Everyone is different. 

I didn’t think I would have a child either🤍, I love being a parent and knowing that my children have someone they can rely on. 

As I kid I didn’t have that safety/comfort because my mom had 6 kids and was a widow. She worked 2-3 jobs and we hardly saw her, our older siblings were in charge of the youngest. Her time was very limited out of necessity. 

Now as a parent I try my best to be present as much as I can. My eldest has ASD but she’s made so much progress over the last year after starting school. She was nonverbal and would be aggressive and had constant meltdowns to the point of nosebleeds/vomiting. It was very difficult but thankfully my husband was very involved as well. Now she’s speaking, can initiate conversations, asks questions, describes her feelings or surroundings, remembers conversations from other days and is really helpful with her younger sibling. She also knows peoples emotions and is really caring. All of this I something I couldn’t say in March 2023. 

It’s tough but it’s worth it when she says “mommy! I’m so happy I can dance” and she starts dancing 🥰❤️ or “mommy I love you soooo much”, Im in a state of serene pleasure with moments of intense anxiety. Autistic homies can have it go you just cant shy from your problems., My SO is on the spectrum, diagnosed after our daughter was.  I fear for my daughter and the difficulties she faces/might face, but it never makes me love her less.  I have 1NT and 1ND and  let me tell you, you are going to face challenges with any child.  But I fear more for my ND child.

There are also times where I am not able to help her.  I am trying, she is trying, but we aren't connecting in a productive way and that is hard to face.  We are lucky in that the majority of her diagnosis is concentrated in emotional regulation and social development and the physical/mental development is not largely affected (though we have been through 2 years of intensive speech therapy and her speech is behind her ND peers).

We spend a lot of time making sure both kids feel like they have their needs met, often at the expense of my own needs.  I have to have a lot of grace for all of the emotions of everyone in my house while I have to be non-reactive (making me feel like I don't get to have feelings some days).  I get burnt out and most days my self care is just a cup of coffee and my anti anxiety medication.  All of that sounds bleak, but that's the dark side.

I feel very lucky that our daughter has had early interventions which have allowed her to progress greatly.  I feel very lucky that she is verbal.  I feel very lucky that she is pretty much the carbon copy of my husband- who has lead an isolated, but fulfilling life.  And I have hope for my child.  As part of the autism community, I know that we are insanely lucky and that on the more severe aspect of the spectrum, the hope is different, the fears are different, the stress and intensity is different.  I have nothing but compassion and empathy for those families, especially because at the best of times with very mild symptoms raising a child with ASD can be hard and draining.

But I would not change a thing about my daughter.  She has opened my eyes to be more understanding and loving of my husband.  He has been able to learn through her.  We have been able to give her the experience and loving childhood my husband should have had.  She's funny, sensitive, caring, intelligent.  Her presence makes my life better.  Both of my kids are the single most point of stress in my life.  They drive me to the brink and back again.  But I delight in them.  I love watching them.  I love teaching them.  I love exploring with them and seeing who they are becoming.  They are undeniably the best part of my life and if they were to go, life wouldn't be worth living.

I love most parts of my life.  We adjust a bit to make sure that while we do things most NT families do, we have set ourselves up for success. (Telling her exactly what is going to happen, what to do if she wants to leave, which parent is her ""buddy for the day"" and which parent will be in charge of her sister. Paying attention for her stims and listening to her words. Watching videos of what to expect and giving her space to have feelings and a calm down spot when she asks for a break.  And we accept her no.  No cajoling or trying to convince her if she says she'd rather not do something.  Its just, okay! let's not do that!)  We go on planes, to the zoo, to aquariums, out to dinner, to winter festivals and summer water parks.

I have a great relationship with my children who think I am both God and their servant, so basically- Mom.  I have a great relationship with my husband though we both get overwhelmed, burnt out, and stressed.

Motherhood is a complex experience, but its not for the fainthearted.  Its not for the unsure.  The only reason to ever have a child is because YOU really, truly **WANT THEM**.  Because it is absolutely a labor of love in which you will break yourself down and be rebuilt into someone that lives for someone else.  And that's fucking hard.  To be a secondary character in your own life.  If you don't want it enough, you'll develop resentment, and I cannot stress this enough- your child didn't ask to be here.  We owe them everything and them nothing because we chose them.

So, after this long ass post, my answer to you is don't have kids.  I see your BF wants them, but until you are SURE, until you can look at everything everyone has said and confront the reality and understand what you could be getting yourself into and can find the delight and joy, don't do it., So, happiness comes from within.  You have to love yourself to love others.  You create a helpless child, totally dependent on you.  You learn right along with them.  It creates a bond that if you can love, becomes a part of your core being.  But, you will also see everything that you don’t like about yourself in your children. And because they watch you and learn from you, they end up mimicking that. So what you were seeing is a reflection of what they see in you. Also, make peace with the fact that you are a reflection of your parents, and your children will remind you of your mother or your dad. That’s why loving and accepting yourself is key. If you are happy with yourself, you will see children happy within themselves. If you are frustrated with yourself, you will be frustrated with your children., I'm a mom of two.  The oldest is autistic, and I'm currently undergoing evaluation to see if I'm also on the spectrum, which we suspect I am.  

Not going to lie, kids can be hard. It can be exhausting. And venting about it is necessary sometimes.  But man alive, they are also amazing.  I've never experienced love the way I have with my two little people.  I could stare at them for hours and just watch in wonder and amazement. And sometimes I do! And sometimes I want to toss them out the window.  I feel like I get to experience life new again, seeing it through their eyes.  I am in love with the fact that I get to grow old with these people, and watch them turn into adults and have their own lives.  So definitely worth it to me.

In saying that,  it's not for everyone.  If you don't feel like you want kids, that's ok, and it's important to not go down that road if you don't want to. I have kid free friends with happy fulfilled lives who wouldn't change it for the world.  Only you can answer for yourself if it's the right choice for you.  There's no right/wrong answer other than how you feel.  Good luck., It's a weird one. It's really stressful and lonely sometimes, and I rarely get a break (lone parent). But if I could go back in time and change things, I wouldn't. I wouldn't be without my kids, and I do have joy in my life., I am a late diagnosed autistic woman with adhd and I have a 7 year old boy, recently diagnosed.  I love him to bits and he's the best thing I've ever done with my life.  I sometimes question if I made the right decision given the state of the World/UK/global outlook etc, and I often question my ability to parent, but I never question my love for him (I'm a perfectionist and there is a whole thing about being a 'good enough parent which is difficult for me to accept as I want 100%) and I love being his mum.  He is so funny and it's brilliant getting to know him as he grows up and develops his own personality and preferences.  He's so strong willed and confident in ways I could never be, and I'd like to think that at least in part that's down to me being the parent I wanted.  So, I'd say go for it.  Of course it is hard, being a parent is tough, and the lack of sleep can be crippling, but it's also rewarding and fulfilling in ways nothing else is.  I'd say for me pregnancy was the really hard part as you get told endlessly about risk and how many ways in which babies can die, so by the time my son arrived I was a mess and I couldn't sleep in case something happened in the night.... 🙈 being autistic through that process was tough, courses are designed for NTs.  But seeing him grow, and develop into a wonderful, kind, funny, silly, clever, fabulous human being is amazing.  I wouldn't change anything.  I also loved the closeness of baby carrying (using slings, amazing and that baby smell, yes!).... You often get horror stories, I think, as parents are mostly tired and in need of more sleep than they get and that makes them cranky. And it can mean sensory overload as an autie parent, too, but you can find ways to cope.  Sometimes I think being autistic has been my super power as a mum because I became so focused on being the best mum I could be.  Being responsible for another human being is huge, at least it is for me.... so you need to be able to deal with that.  Also, it's a lot easier if you have family or a good support network.  I didn't.... but still here and have eventually found one!  Good luck and go with your heart, I'd say (if we were entirely rational about it, I don't think any of us would have kids, as it doesn't make financial sense and is arguably detrimental to our personal health in many ways, but here we are?!!!  I think it's far more beneficial to us in many other less tangible ways). ♥️💐🖖🏻, I'm happy in my life, yes.

But that doesn't mean it isn't stressful.  I am not on the spectrum, so I don't know what life is like when you are on it.

If you are worried about being overstimulated, then having a baby, whether on the spectrum or not, is something you want to think real hard about.  I hear people on this site, saying because of autism they don't like to be around other people too much.  Well if you have a baby you are with them 24/7. 

If you really want to have a child, but really don't want a child on the spectrum you could look into adopting.  I don't know if that is the right answer, but it's a possibility. The reality is none of us are signing up for special needs kiddos intentionally (except those who choose to adopt them)., I take the “it could always be worse” mindset, Had to check to see if this was the autism page or the marriage page. LMAO but really, lots of variables can make or break parenthood. None of us are perfect, and neither are our kids, autistic or not. Don’t let anyone make that decision but you and your partner., Like Charlotte from Sex and the City said, I’m not happy all day, but I’m happy every day. I’ll say that we are super fortunate to be able to afford a lot of things/help, and our autistic baby is relatively easygoing., It's hard and stressful like you wouldn't believe but I still love my son. Of course I wish he wasn't ASD but honestly, my husband and I like to keep to ourselves and if we had an NT kid, I'd feel pressured to put him in sports and do playdates with strangers, which I'm glad no one really asks us to do. Like someone else said, we bought our village and have ABA most days of the week and even have ABA at school now. We also have family nearby and he's got cousins who are his same age who try to include him in things.

I didn't always think I wanted kids but I'm glad I have my son. I think if I hadn't, I'd always wonder what my kid would be like. My husband and I have a great relationship and if we didn't, I'd probably feel entirely differently. I can't imagine doing something like this alone. BTW, I take meds for depression and that also contributes to my more positive outlook. I remember what it was like without the meds and......it was a black hole like you couldn't believe., I want to say I’m happy but I’m not. Single mom by technicality right now, working full time and then coming home to chaos is really hard. I’ve been sick for a few days, and after my un potty trained boy was sick with Norovirus has pushed me to the brink. Today there was poop smearing when I got home after days of cleaning diarrhea and ruined blankets.  I just had a massive rage fit basically and I can’t tell anyone because I’m ashamed of the state of my anger, the pain I feel, and the hopelessness and then THE GUILT of getting so angry at someone who probably has no clue why I’m so upset because his social rules are completely different than mine. I feel so unloved by my son, even though I know he loves me. And I feel so guilty for getting angry at him over things he probably doesn’t get why I’m so destroyed over them. BUT like so many other people have said, I don’t regret having him. For me, I painfully regret my own inability to be better. Also I’m a teacher and these middle school kids are fucking killing me every single day. That doesn’t help at all. Don’t let anyone pressure you, but there is nothing like being a parent and the love you can feel. Good luck either way., It’s hard. And it’s taken awhile to see more good. You never stop loving your kid though. The reality is autism is expensive. Our daughter is in ABA, occupational therapy and speech. Will your child need these therapies? Who knows. I didn’t know but fortunately we have insurance. I didn’t know there are people who pick careers to help children with autism. So if you want a child then do it. There’s so much help out there and once you find your tribe you will be okay. All of these therapist are my village. We have no one else we don’t get breaks or date nights. But my daughter has changed so much from last year. We get to go out to dinner. We get to go to the fair and to the mall. We will be enrolling her in tennis soon and in August she will start preschool through the state. No one can write your story because that’s your story. No one can tell you how it’ll go. But as a mom I can tell you it’s a beautiful thing to raise a little one. Nothing is perfect with this life and the kids don’t ask for perfect., I am BPD AuADHD and my partner is ADHD and very likely NPD and we had the talk about what if he had ASD but the tricky part about that conversation, even if it’s well intentioned, you have no fucking idea how to prepare for that unless you’re preparing for the worst case scenario. so I thought because of my personal experiences I could guide him but his ASD is very different from mine, so I had very different expectations. Also I went undiagnosed most my life whereas we got my sons diagnosis before 2. My parents never had the responsibility of therapies/behavior coaching that I have had, it’s incomparable. Because my parents still don’t believe the importance of being neurodiverse affirming and accepting, my support system has been inconsistent and made the beginning of my motherhood journey fucking hell. I’ve learned these are the key things to being a successful parent 1) figuring out if you’re emotionally capable and resilient , go to therapy if not 2) do you have a support system in place to maintain self care for yourself , if not could you afford one? 3)can you afford and handle being a parent with ASD child if you split (High divorce rate) 4)do you have family that would look after your child after you expire ? would you be ok not knowing if your child has a good quality life (living independently and having a social life outside of parents)? 4) are you being honest with yourself about the reason why you want a child? You will absolutely have it thrown in your face that you made the choice to have a kid, could you live with that and make the most it?, To reiterate what some of the other people have said, it's ok to not want to be a parent. AND it's also ok to not want to be a parent, with your boyfriend. 

If he really wants kids and you don't, you need to have a sit down calm conversation about where your relationship is going. 

Most people will have been in relationships at some point and realised that they have different ideals or what life will be. It's ok, like most things in life, communication is massively important., It's very hard. One autistic child is difficult to manage, but I think if you have a supportive community that will help care for your child and take some of that burden, then I don't think it'll be just as stressful as solo parenting., I’m happy. I’ve got a good career, happy kid, supportive partner. Things aren’t always easy but early intervention really helped my kid and she’s much happier than she was when she couldn’t communicate. That makes me happier., For me the most helpful thing about this experience has been focusing on it like a puzzle--like several puzzles I'm working simultaneously a lot of the time, but really the idea is to figure out which strategies work, which things need to fit in place to be able to manage it (like, we all do better when I am more relaxed, so things that are relaxing for me get moved to the top of the list; we do better with more sleep and a consistent routine, so things that disrupt that get taken out as much as possible).  I think the frustration comes up for me most reliably when my expectations are so far away from reality--I can get really attached to an expectation or excitement or anticipation for something I'm looking forward to, and if it doesn't materialize like I imagined, it is incredibly discouraging and it's easy to plunge into my life is a misery and will always be a misery because this circumstance will always be with me.  So one thing that I have to figure out is how to ensure that there are things I will enjoy that are low risk of being screwed up.  I feel like it has made me a more emotionally mature person than I was before, like I think in the past I felt like I was in control of everything and because for the most part I was, I was entitled to feel frustrated by the things that weren't to my liking.  But now I am so much more aware of how out of my hands things are, and once I learned to make a little more peace with that (a work in progress lol) it relieved some of that frustration and made me feel like a nice life was actually really possible, and maybe even more important, that I would be enjoying that nice life as a more self-aware, compassionate person than I would have had the opportunity to be before.   I am, for context, a single mom with a level three ASD kid who is 8 and a NT kid who is 10, and we live far from family, including the kids' father.  BUT we have a great school that I never have to fight with, and I have a pretty low stress job with flexible hours where I make enough to outsource some things.   Some of that is luck and some of it is intentional--like I keep this job despite a lot of opportunities to advance and do something more interesting because that flexibility is part of my ""village"" that someone referenced earlier.  When I started to pay attention to all the things that make my life easier it really changed my attitude towards not having a partner or family nearby--like what would family actually do that I can't do in some other way?    Solving as many things as I can in creative ways is, for me anyway, part of the fun and growth of this life, as opposed to just checking the same boxes everyone else gets to check.   I am not sure I would have picked this life off a menu, but I think I would not have realized how much I was missing if I hadn't had the chance to live it., If you have reasons to believe your kid might be autistic and that is something that would lower your quality of life (you are already asking so it definitely in your mind), why not looking at adopting? Lots of kids out there are in need of love, I am very happy. My life is a whirlwind of chaos but the bond I share with my boy is something I wouldn't trade for the world!, Yes, we are very happy!!  Sometimes it’s very hard, but that’s true of life.  I have a great relationship with my spouse and kids.  I have 4: 19, 5 (ASD), 4 (speech delayed but otherwise neurotypical), 1.75 yo neurotypical., I often feel exhausted, burnt out, frustrated, etc… but I love my son more than I ever thought it was possible to love another human and I don’t regret having him at all. There are really hard moments and hard days sometimes, but we have just as many really fun and happy moments and days. We have adapted our lives to accommodate my son, and once I accepted that that was just our reality and not the social media fake perfection, it helped. My son definitely helps me notice and appreciate the little things more. And he’s helped me to enjoy childhood all over again through his eyes., My husband is neurodivergent, our oldest daughter is on the spectrum and her two little sisters are neurotypical. We are for the most part in love with our lives.

He struggles a little with the sensory overload of the chaos of our house (3 kids, 2 adults, and 2 dogs) but we have learned each others bat signals for when we’re going to lose it. A “hey do you wanna go take 5” is our love language.

All 3 of our daughters are fucking fantastic and they make our lives so crazy and so beautiful. He gets our eldest daughter on a really special level and has been instrumental in her ability to love and accept herself exactly as she is. 

All in all I’d say we’re the typical family just loving and living. Sure we have some unique challenges but it just makes it all the more fulfilling at the end of the day. We have a home, food, clothes, and each other. When all the kids are in bed and we can finally lay back we usually just say god damn, we have it all., I am married with 1 child. I would say that I am actually pretty happy in life. I think my life has improved since the times when I was single and childless. It's definitely changed but in a mostly good way. Having a child can at times be over stimulating but the pros do outweigh the cons. I wake up every day to my husband and son's smile. My son will usually put his face to mine and touch my face with just the biggest smile on his face. He laughs constantly and it's beautiful. We do a lot of things as a family too. It does take more time to plan things and get ready to go out but you get better at it with time., To procreate is divine. Autistic kids are difficult to handle, but I honestly can't imagine my life without my son. I think about everything I did before my kid and it all seems so boring and empty. You truly won't get it until you have a kid, autistic or not. Keep in mind too that most of the people posting here are also autistic, so there is a high chance that if your kid is autistic, they will still grow into a somewhat functioning adult, Parenting is a big responsibility. If you are independent yourself and feel like you can raise a kid, then why not?? I am a NT parent of an autistic kid 5yrs. His diagnosis was a shock for us, but we have accepted it now and are as happy as anyone can be. Raising a child is a beautiful experience, no matter how he turns out., I’m super happy. My toddler is ASD 3. He’s in therapy, he’s learning. We’ve gotten to a real good spot where we know what helps and what doesn’t. Yeah we have some bad days but I cannot imagine my life without him! He’s got 1 younger sister and he loves her! I want one more even though I know I could have another ASD child., I could not imagine my life without my ND kid. I love that he’s my firstborn and I would literally not have it any other way. It feels like my kid was always meant to be ND and all his “quirks” make me feel even more like I’m meant to be his mom. Sorry 🤷‍♀️, Now, I will preface this with the fact that my son is currently 3, and does not have a formal diagnosis at this time. He has a functional speech delay, and some other behaviours that point toward ASD, but others that don't at all, and our pediatrician has taken the ""wait it out"" approach for the time being, but I am pretty confident he will end up with a diagnosis of some sort, if not ASD, some sort of processing disorder would be my guess. Either way. YES. Parenting my child comes with some enormous challenges, but my goodness, does he ever bring so much joy and light into my life. We are able to do SOME things families with exclusively neurotypical children do, and other things we avoid, and there are some things where we find a compromise that works for our family. We do things a little differently than what might look typical to most families, but what we are doing is working for us. We have more appointments than most families with a 3 year old (speech, and OT right now), but we are fortunate to have access to therapies to support my son's development. He makes me laugh every day. He makes me feel loved and needed every day. He teaches me something new every day. He amazes and surprises me every day. There is no shortage of happiness in my life; even though this isn't the EASIEST path, it is certainly not a path lacking love and joy., It’s hard. But I wouldn’t trade my son for anything., Yes I am happy- I have times where I feel disappointed for my guy- I hate that his life will be more challenging simply because he was born- but he is so happy and cuddly and is such a light.  He makes me smile all day long- he is the best thing thats ever happened to me.  , Yes. Life is not perfect but I love my beautiful high support needs ASD son and despite our challenges he makes my life better with him in it. For the bad times outside of that I remember that this life is temporary and I pray to God that there is a place in the house of Jesus Christ for me and my family. Thank you God for my boy, I’m really happy! 2 NT teens and one ND toddler. I’m also most likely autistic but undiagnosed. I’m a single parent, gave up work when the little was born as they have other medical needs. So a lot changed, but not necessarily for the worst. Are there hard times? Yes. Are there days I think I can’t handle much more? Yes. But that was the case with my older, typical kids too. That’s ALL parenting IMO. My little is the chillest, most loving child ever. We have a bond of steel, nobody comes close and we have a happy life just chilling out! We can’t do breakfast with Santa, or swimming lessons, or the Easter bunny. But I’ve let go of that because that’s not what my child wants. We do what they love instead (mainly walks, the beach, driving, tickle, chase etc, iPad). They’re also great on holiday, we go away a lot and that’s a big plus for us. 

I can hand on heart say that I’m happy. I wish my child didn’t have potentially rough times ahead in life, but there’s nothing to say they won’t thrive and be truly happy too. We had a ROUGH time when they were born and I’ve watched them nearly die, go through brain surgery , facial surgeries etc so nothing seems hard in comparison anymore. I think my default is extreme gratitude my baby is ok, so that may play a part in my answer. I also think the nature of these forums is that people reach out when they’re struggling so it can seem like having an ND child is all doom and gloom. And I’m not taking that away from anyone who struggles, my heart goes out to them. But remember it’s not a given that it’ll be that way :), You might not want to do all the fun things everyone else does. You'll want to do your own version of fun. 

As an autistic parent you'll be able to understand and advocate for your children, both ND and NT, in ways others can't., I’m very happy, is having a child hard sometimes? Definitely but the pros far outweigh the cons. My child is funny, happy, energetic, creative, gentle little guy. I love his personality, I love his way of doing things, I love the ways he shows his love! The first couple years were the hardest for me (not because of him) but the drastic change to my life and how I liked things done was very hard for me. I settled into the new routine eventually and I’m so happy now. I love my family and I love my child!, Imo happiness is a fleeting emotion like sadness or anger or whatever else. It comes and goes. It's a mood. I do have plenty of happiness in my life, along with frustration and exhaustion and sadness, just like anybody else. Each one has a time and a place. I think the more important, more constant feeling is fulfillment (or lack thereof). Happy or sad or angry, I'm still always fulfilled by my life and my family. I'm glad my 3 kids exist. I feel lucky to be their mom. I love that they're each a little walking/talking (or babbling lol) embodiment of my and my husband's love for each other. 

Sounds cheesy, I know. I don't really say this stuff to anyone, but since you asked I figured I'd give the whole answer haha! 

But also, if you don't want kids, you don't have to have them. What is fulfilling for one person is hell for another. Can parents of autistic children be happy, fulfilled? Yes absolutely. Whether that'll be the case for you is really only up to you though. 💜, Yes, we’re happy! My 4 year old ASD daughter is so much fun! She loves to hike, work in the yard, she’s curious, she loves to snuggle. She doesn’t talk often, but when she does she is hilarious! Yes, our daily life looks different- we have to make sure she’s getting adequate sensory input to stay regulated- but we have fun.  For me, the main sources of stress are having to fight to get her into services (already having to plan out summer months and next school year), I wish she’d have more interest in her little sister, it’s frustrating seeing her do something once and then refusing to do it again, and, the biggest one, not knowing what she will be capable of as an adult., I’ve experienced grief and hardship in my parenting journey but my life is infinitely better with my daughter in it. She’s a goofy ball of energy who makes people smile everywhere we go. Shes affectionate, happy, and curious and I learn from her every day. I think happiness is complicated. I wasn’t happier before I had my child. I’m not sure I can say I’m happy now either but I experience plenty of joy and much of it is because of her., My 3yo (ASD) and 1yo (NT) daughters are the light of my life. Autism is not easy but it comes in so many different forms and waves, so some days are not so great and others are the best days we’ve ever had as a family. My daughter on the spectrum is quiet (when she isn’t singing haha) and sweet and introverted. She loves singing and drawing. She is truly a gift in that she is easygoing and agreeable most of the time. There is a lot of work and effort involved on our part as parents because we want to and do work toward providing her as much support and services as possible so that she can learn to communicate more and thrive in her new preschool program. Raising her and being tuned in to her needs was all we knew until her sister came along. My younger daughter is an energetic extrovert. I often consider parenting her to be on easy mode because she sleeps like a rock and I am far more familiar with teaching someone socially motivated who learns by copying/mimicking. That said, she is much more vocal, opinionated, and likely to get into “trouble” - ie getting into things she shouldn’t and testing boundaries. In this respect, she is not as easy to parent as my firstborn. Each has their quirks and strengths and weaknesses. Both fulfill my husband and me in their own way.

Being a parent is the best thing I’ve ever done. I find so much joy in our girls and who they are becoming and I absolutely wouldn’t change a thing. I wanted kids my whole life. I grew up with an ASD sibling, it initially made me apprehensive about having a child with ASD, but this is due to my own shortcomings rather than any potential heartache or distress brought on by having children. Every child, neurotypical or divergent, is different, and everyone will have a different experience. Whether you roll the dice or not, I wish you confidence and peace in whichever choice you make., I’d say you can be burnt out and depressed even without an autistic child! I have 4 children, 3 who are autistic! Life can be crazy and there’s days I can’t catch my breath but I don’t know who I’d be without my kids!, I love my kids. I love seeing them excited to jump in bouncy houses, ride rollercoasters, swim, line things up in the sand at the beach. I love coming home to their laughter, their excitement. Sometimes it’s difficult, and I vent. Even parents of NT kids struggle, parenting can be difficult. If you want a kid, prepare for it, plan what you want to do with this child. Give them the love and childhood you want to give them., Not gonna lie, my life sucks, I’m not happy and I struggle to get through the day.

With that being said, I have no doubt at all that all my current struggles would be worth it if in two decades my son is doing what you are doing right now.

Since you asked for it, my advice for you is to have children with your boyfriend., This is a good point! None of us can tell you if *you* will be happy with kids, be they autistic or not, I 10000% agree. I am content and fulfilled because I always wanted to be a mom and had my kid when I felt like I had done all the things I wanted to do in my 20s (studied, traveled, etc). I also knew going in that being a parent was going to involve sacrifice and I felt ready. If I had had my kid any sooner, it would’ve been a tougher adjustment. I’m personally very happy with my kid. I don’t compare him to neurotypical kids. I also celebrate what makes him unique, and I think he’s so cool and sweet and fun and interesting. He’s also so smart and a motivated learner, and it’s been fun learning about his special interests. But my life involves zero time to myself, lots of work on regulating my emotions, high stress when my kiddo is having a tough day, lots of worrying about the future. My husband is an exemplary dad and partner, and even with all these wonderful things, there’s still a high level of being needed, lots of stress to manage, appointments to juggle. All of that to say it’s okay not to want kids, it’s okay to want to wait a good while until you’re sure you’re ready, and it’s important to take the time to be sure that you and your partner can work together and are on the same page about kids., I didn't want kids & am Bipolar; knew I shouldnt.  In a Manic Moment, a coworker came to work on Endorphin High after his wife gave birth & said it was Best Feeling in World.  I got PG that night, first time ever w/o birth control, at 34.  Dr called me Test Positive @ work.  I loaded copy machine cartridge backwards & it trumpeted like an Elephant.  That F\*\*\*\* A\*\*\*\*\* coworker never even congratulated me on PG.  I often wondered how his kids turned out.  My son is Estranged from me, Aspergers, and today is my 70th birthday.  I regret having them.  My life went downhill.  More trauma than happy memories.  Sorry to be honest but this is anonymous.  My mother should not have had me & I should not have had children.  My half-sister's one child turned out real well but we're estranged., 100% agree with this. It's something you and your boyfriend need to have a serious conversation about. Sounds like you're completely opposite in your desire for a child. And that's completely ok, he's either going to see your point of view or you go your separate ways. If you decide to stay together, it's a possibility that down the road you find that desire to be a parent, but you can't let him dictate that. 

To answer your question, my wife and I are overall very happy. There's the money struggles with having a neuro-divergent child with expensive therapies, but aside from that and the occasional burnout, it's pretty smooth most of the time. The most frustrating part is that our non-verbal three year old daughter can't easily tell us what she wants, needs or if she's hurt but we're working on that every day and I'm confident we'll get there. One thing we decided when she was around 2 1/2 is that she will be our only biological child so that we can focus solely on her needs as long as we have to, and if we decide down the road that we have a desire to expand our family, we will adopt an older child., or coerce/baby trap you, *Statistics in study after study show that the happiest people are single childless women.*

Why are they also the women most prone to alcoholism and suicide?, Can you give any advice on building your village?, I’m so sorry it’s been so hard.  That’s especially tough when there are limited resources, both financial and emotional.  You are a good parent, doing what you can and putting your kid first.  Society doesn’t make it any easier. Are there other services available in your area, to support low income parents, for example?, I’m incredibly sorry for your experience, could she qualify for TERFA or low income Medicaid? That could help with the gap in healthcare coverage. Also with Medicaid, if she’s having feeding difficulties, a doctor could prescribe her nutritional shakes, and hopefully that could free up some income for your needs as well., Very similar situation here. 

There are definitely times that I find myself wishing things were easier. But how do I know that having an NT kid would solve all of my problems? right now things are easier with the little one, but that could change in the future.

The bottom line is that it’s hard to have kids. Whether or not they are autistic, or born with some rare illness, or completely healthy and NT, it is just hard., Yeah I'm also very happy with my autistic and intellectually disabled daughter, she is a delight.  I know I'm lucky she doesn't have many behavioural issues that are really hard to deal with that I see a lot of parents vent about here.

I really feel for those parents.  The ones who aren't getting any sleep, who get hit by their child and deal with constant screaming.  I feel bad for the poor kid too who is obviously struggling to live in a world that can be physically painful for them if they have sensory issues etc.

But my daughter is happy, and that's all I ask for. 

I wrote a post about my daughter here:

https://www.reddit.com/r/Parenting/s/ghYOcewxqr, I love this. I feel the same way. I said to my partner if I had to re-live the same decade of my life over and over it would be the birth to 10 years of my kids. No question., I didn’t consider autism was something that would happen. I thought it happens when you gave a baby in your 40s not 27. I was an idiot. If I’d have known then what I know now I wouldn’t have had any even my probably NT one. It’s not worth it. It’s not a life I wanted to give my child. He has no future, nothing to look forward to. There’s no point to my life either., This.

I see a lot of ""very happy"" and ""wouldn't change a single thing"" replies so far, but the fact you guys are here already says a lot., I actually relate to this a lot.  Maybe not every detail, but mourning what could have been - missing my life before having a child - those are all huge for me these days.  My son is 2.5 years old and we're just now starting on this path together, maybe I'll feel different down the road.  But it's hard right now., I agree, I mourn my old life, freedom to do as I pleased, no worries and the future to look forward to, getting up when I want to, having a job and money, not having to attend meetings at school and having to jump through hoops given to me by people I have little respect for, being threatened that my kid isn't welcome at the school unless he shapes up. The list is endless. Sometimes my life feels so joyless. I think staying childless would've be far better. I didn't suffer any miscarriages nd I'm sorry for what you've been through. My son was born extremely premature and that's when my life went pear shaped., This. 

I have two autistic children and one NT. Oldest is NT and the middle child- we didn’t even know it was autism until I was already pregnant with the 3rd. Had I known that it was autism and that it’s very likely future children could have it, I would absolutely 100% not have had a 3rd child or even the 2nd one knowing it is likely genetic. The third child is severe and I am a caregiver for him. I have no life. 

Op, I didn’t want a 3rd kid. I told my spouse after the second child that I couldn’t handle another child like her and that I would end up in a looney bin if we had another like her. He just kept saying it’s not going to happen over and over and I gave in. Well guess what? Now I’m a caregiver and the third child is 10x worse. Are you prepared to become a caregiver or listening to possible screaming all day long, not being able to go anywhere, spending all your days driving your kid to back to back therapies? What if you and your man split? Are you prepared to be taking care of a child like that alone? It’s a lot of things to consider and I WISH someone would have given me the harsh reality heads up like you are getting on here. Do I love my kids? Absolutely. They are my kids, I created them. But I’m not going to sit here and lie and say oh it’s so great just take the chance. 

The thing I feel most guilty about is my NT child missing out on so many life experiences bc we have had to leave or avoid things due to the autistic children and their needs. I try so hard to do special things for my oldest when I can and she is so understanding but I feel like such a shitty parent or like I’ve almost ruined her growing up experience 😞

My spouse always said, if we have another I’ll help, I’ll promise I’ll help. He doesn’t help. It’s all on me all the time. He works and brings in the money so that’s all he thinks he needs to contribute. He goes out with friends and does his thing and I’m stuck home with the kids. There are many mommas like me. I don’t want you to be one of them if you don’t need to be. Really take time and think about what YOU want., r/regretfulparents is a good place for support and venting without judgement., Also it stopped being ""cute"" once they hit puberty and being stronger than their parents., This experience varies widely depending where on the spectrum your kid is. My sons 5 not conversational has tons of energy and impulse issues and we do things like social skills group that leave my scratching my head why some of the kids there are in therapy. 
All kids have challenges, some autistic kids are more challenging than others., To answer the rest of your question - we had a second child right when we realized son might be autistic and we started receiving services. I do carry some guilt that his baby sister sometimes has to play second fiddle bc of his needs. I try my hardest to schedule his therapies around when they won’t impact her schedule, but know this will get harder as she gets older and has her own commitments. 

My husband and I are still obsessed w eachother! We’re both tired and done some days, but o think that would happen w any toddler and baby to care for. 

Yesterday my son had a huge freak out at the library and it ended w us both crying on the way home. But that’s an exception, not the rule. 95% of the time we do all the things we want to do and he can hang and enjoys it. And if he can’t, that’s okay and we go with the flow., We've had night terrors, days where one is sreaming the whole day, days I sat and cried with my kids because I can't and they can't.. it's not all roses. I'm still glad I chose it., 💯!, Hey thanks for that brushing hair countdown tip! Why didn’t I ever think of that! Lol! My ASD 9yr old girl HATES having her hair brushed due to sensory but she LOVES timers and countdowns! This is going to be a huge game changer., And of course only if YOU want to and YOU would be happy if you did. My babies mean a lot to me and make me really happy despite the challenges I face. I would do anything for them and I’m happy I get to see their little faces everyday, Same- I always wanted one but it didn’t happen and I gave up that dream. Then it happened!, Lmao . Funny how you easily take accountability for having a child when you shouldn’t have but don’t seem to take accountability for addressing your mental health while being a parent. BP requires consistency of self care and routine just like ASD, and as someone with a similar situation it’s irritating hearing your excuses., I would love to see the actual statistics to back up your statement., Sorry, but I don't believe that at all. They will need a much larger sample size to convince me women are happiest when they go against their instinctive maternal nature.  

I know many older women who have regrets choosing their career over a family., Right. Shit gets to be a lot some days but at the end of the day I just wanna hold him when he’s asleep and stare at him. Genuinely love him more than life. He’s a lot. But he’s mine., This rings so true!! Well stated. I wish I could get my point across as eloquently., My tiny is 4yrs old and even with the chaos at times, I could stay here forever. We sit together and put marble run mazes all over the living room. We both love setting them up. And legos. And drawing. And bike rides. She’s my little bestie. 
To answer OP, nothing is ever the same, but not in a bad way., Hi,
Yeah autism is often said to be the result of having “older parents”, which I am, but I’ve heard of plenty of twenty somethings who have children on the spectrum, so more likely it runs in families.

I am learning how to get better at my own stress management, but it will take work.

Do you get any help at all? You both have futures, I know it’s hard to think, but you can help your child and yourself. :), Relatable. I often feel like I’m not cut out for this., wanting support and community doesn’t mean that you’re unhappy. It’s fine for the group to have room for both!, LOL I see some sour grapes here. I can be very happy and also sometimes want to ask a question to people who have hit the same issue before., Does it? Getting and giving advice about unique kids means we are miserable?, How does finding a relatable and helpful community = unhappy?? It’s like joining a planting club. You can be friends and socialize at the club meetings AND provide insight on why my plant isn’t growing. Maybe it needs shade when I’ve only been giving it sunlight., It's a parenting advice sub Reddit. If you are on a gardening subreddit it's not just because you woke up to day of the triffids., I just think it's feeling like you have to say the ""right thing"". Even here.

I also think plenty of people use ""happy"" instead of ""content"", which I could buy., I'm trying to stay positive since 2-5 are some of the hardest years but it's not a guarantee my son will make progress - which is something I have to emotionally prepare for, Here's a sneak peek of /r/regretfulparents using the [top posts](https://np.reddit.com/r/regretfulparents/top/?sort=top&t=year) of the year!

\#1: [The painful realisation that I could be living my childfree friend's life if I didn't give in to marriage and kids. I miss my freedom so much.](https://np.reddit.com/r/regretfulparents/comments/149u6l0/the_painful_realisation_that_i_could_be_living_my/)  
\#2: [I FINALLY exploded on my mother for her constantly badgering me to have a baby.](https://np.reddit.com/r/regretfulparents/comments/14kjsnw/i_finally_exploded_on_my_mother_for_her/)  
\#3: [This type of mental gymnastics can be so so harmful. Did you ever had to deal with a person like that in real life?](https://i.redd.it/z63r4j2jgndb1.jpg) | [113 comments](https://np.reddit.com/r/regretfulparents/comments/1575vs9/this_type_of_mental_gymnastics_can_be_so_so/)

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^^I'm ^^a ^^bot, ^^beep ^^boop ^^| ^^Downvote ^^to ^^remove ^^| ^^[Contact](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=sneakpeekbot) ^^| ^^[Info](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/) ^^| ^^[Opt-out](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/comments/o8wk1r/blacklist_ix/) ^^| ^^[GitHub](https://github.com/ghnr/sneakpeekbot), I hope it works!, It’s funny how sometimes life works out that way. I met my husband when I wasn’t looking for a relationship and here we are! So glad your dream came true :), Sure, hereya go!

[https://www.bu.edu/sph/news/articles/2023/women-without-children-at-age-35-are-at-highest-risk-of-binge-drinking-alcohol-use-disorder/](https://www.bu.edu/sph/news/articles/2023/women-without-children-at-age-35-are-at-highest-risk-of-binge-drinking-alcohol-use-disorder/)

**""Women who turned 35 in recent years, as well as women who have not had children by age 35, are the subgroups of women at highest risk of binge drinking and having alcohol use disorder (AUD) symptoms.""**

[https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamapsychiatry/article-abstract/496069](https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamapsychiatry/article-abstract/496069)

***""Women who had never married exhibited higher relative risks for suicide than married parous and married nonparous women for all age groups younger than 65 years at the start of follow-up.""***

***""Among the married, the parous women had lower relative risks than nonparous women for all ages.""***, I get quite a bit of help actually but unless something will make it go away then honestly it just feels like all our lives are over. Nothing can make it better., If not then this happy parent will bounce, LOL, Have I ever been happy? No. Does my daughter make me more happy? Yes., I appreciate you providing the proof for your statements, but if you read the whole papers that these come from, there is much more nuance than your statement suggests. 

This still doesn't mean that you should allow anyone to push you into having kids., Maybe the ones who make it to 65 are happiest?  I imagine societal pressure is strongest at younger ages, and less and less people give a shit as they get older., I’m sure the happiest single people are between the ages of 18-25, Valid, I am. I mean, it’s hard. Not gonna lie. But my thought is that life is usually hard in one way or another and though I’m not autistic I am totally blind so I’m no stranger to finding my own way through the rough timres., I’m so unhealthily stressed it’s insane. I love my son but this life isn’t for the faint of heart., The one thing no one has said, but I think is more important than anything else; if you don't want kids, please, please, please don't let anyone talk you into, bully, or shame you into having kids. 

There is absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting kids or deciding it's just not what you want for your life no matter what the reason is. 

Statistics in study after study show that the happiest people are single childless women., I’m happy, but more stressed than I would be if my son wasn’t autistic. I have 2 kids 5 and 7. 

My 5 year old is verbal but not conversational. It’s been a long road of getting kicked out of daycare, scrambling for childcare during school vacations, getting calls from teachers. That stuff is all what gets me stressed more than my actual kid. The rat race of it all. Never ending therapies and appointments. Everything is just harder like doctor appointments. People constantly trying to figure him out when in public. 

My 7 year old is typical. We live a pretty “normal” life. My older son plays lots of sports. My ASD one is easy going places. We do the movies, trampoline park, went to Disney. He goes to his brothers games. We go to the beach and pool, go on vacation, stay in hotels, fly on planes. No issues. Everything is pretty typical except the language delay. I think if that could catch up life would get a lot easier. I work from home which helps but I can’t have calls when my sons home. Even though he’s almost 6 I can’t tell him to be quiet while moms on the phone he doesn’t understand. 

My son isn’t interested in peers but that part doesn’t bother me. My older one is extremely social so we get that experience. Me and my husband are introverted so are more in line with my ASD son than the older one. 

I’m constantly burned out but not just because autism. I work full time and my husband has a crazy work schedule, we don’t have much family help, 2 kids therapy and sports  schedules, I’m in the middle of taking the cpa exam. Life’s just always crazy, but I know that my kids are my purpose and do it all for them 


I wouldn’t change it for a thing though, I love my guy., Autistic solo parent as well. If I didn’t have the resources to hire help I’d likely be depressed. I bought my village and it’s worth every damn penny., I have moments of pure joy. One of them was today. My son and I spent two hours playing at the ocean and on the forest trails. That was a happy time. During that time I was not burnt out or overstimulated. These moments don’t happen everyday but when they do, they have a way of balancing the rest., I might be a much needed person on the other side of the grass, but I'm incredibly unhappy. I have depression and due to my job, insurance isn't readily consistent, so I can't get therapy or medication, so I'm boarding alcoholic so I don't kms. I'm also autistic and the loud  noises my daughter makes triggers me, I don't like that it's hard for me to stim around her, she's too needy and requires attention that's hard for me because I often disassociate. She's low functioning.  She affects my sleeping and eating routines to cater to her. I have limited income, and we have differing pallets. So almost all my food money goes to her food, often leaving me for days without eating regularly. 

 My daughter is lovely, but society is not. The stress of what will happen to my daughter if I die. The stress of constant therapy, not being able to participate normally in activities like Christmas, halloween, and Easter due to my daughter sensory issues and tantrums. Not being able to talk to her. She can't  tell me she loves me or gives me affirmation. She cant tell me im doing a good job.  Constantly feeling like a failure as a parent.

I'm straight up miserable. I wouldn't wish my life on anyone. I lowkey gave up on my life, but I try to give my daughter everything I can. She's lowkey spoiled because I know life will be hard for her. And if I knew it would be this hard, I would've never had her. My life was 100% easier without a kid (asd or not). I find being autistic makes parenting a bit harder. I dont like how people will treat her in public when she stims or needs extra support. It stresses me out. Not for me but for her. I love her so fkn much im ashamed I brought her here. I wish our society was kinder to disabled people and kinder to parents., Yes I m very happy! My husband and I make lots of time after our kids go to bed for sex and emotional connection/conversation/quality time so we have a good relationship. I’m the primary caretaker of our 5yo (ASD) and 1yo (typical appearing). We have been extremely luckily that our son is a happy little boy. He’s nonverbal but for the most part he’s really chill. We follow his routine and he’s happy as can be. Lots of hugs, eye contact, face smushing, snuggling. He communicates as best he can and I can usually understand and my husband can usually figure it out 60-70% of the time. We do some “typical” family things like go to all inclusive night at our local museum, family photos, go trick or treating, go to the park. He tends to stress out if it’s too out of the ordinary like someone’s house or a restaurant so we don’t do that but we also have a literal baby lol. We live happily in our bubble. We love our kids. And more importantly we like them and their personalities.

Edited to add: I often get overstimulated but that’s where we communicate hey I need to tap out., Autistic single parent with level 2-3 autistic toddler. Like any aspect of life, there are ups and downs, but I can’t imagine my life without this kid. There are struggles but my overall quality of life and life enjoyment increased exponentially. It is the adventure of a lifetime 🌈❣️, No, I’m not happy. It’s been hell. I love my kids, but if I could make my older son be low support needs/verbal autistic or even NT, I would do it in a second.

But all I can do is my best and try to build superhuman patience., I am but my kid is 9 now and it has gotten a lot easier within the past year., Nope., Yes, very happy. People post when they have stuff to complain about. I spent all day on Sunday with my little dude. We spent a ton of the lay laughing and just joking around in our own distinctive way. It was a great day and nothing out of the ordinary. I didn't post about it because...well, why would I?, Honestly, I feel bipolar with how up and down everything is. A lot of times I'll say ""I hate my life"" but it's really a shorthand for ""I hate that this is currently my life"". I mourn the life I used to have, and sometimes I regret insisting to my husband that we should try for kid(s). I think about the life I could have had were it not for my miscarriages - would I still have had an autistic child? I don't know, and I probably need professional help to work through my losses (regarding the miscarriages, the life I could have had, the ""normal"" life my autistic child could have had, etc.). 

I'm still able to find joy in smaller moments and try to look forward to things in the future - just trying to survive this season of life., Had I seen this question a few days ago or maybe even a few days from now and I would have given you a different response, but no. Absolutely not.

I really wish I wasn't his mother. I love him so much but I wish he wasn't mine. Someone else could probably be a much better parent than me. It is just a feeling of constant failure no matter how hard I try it's never enough. I know it's not fair to him but I'm starting to resent him. And I hate myself for it. I hate that the only way he pays me any attention is if I bark at him like a drill Sargent. I hate doing it but if I don't then he is just 100% feral. We can't go to the park. He has no sense of danger and it hurts so much seeing kids so much younger than him just miles and miles ahead of him. I don't feel like a parent, I feel like a keeper.


Edit about 24 hours later:

I debated about deleting this comment due to the pure shame I feel about having written it. I'm going to leave it up because I want others who might feel like I did yesterday to read this part too:

I was able to get a good night sleep, and so was he. His behavior isn't really that much different than when I wrote the comment,but my tolerance threshold is much higher now that I've had some time to sleep. I was overjoyed earlier today because he finally wore his ear defenders outside and he was able to play while the neighbor mowed his yard. He bamboozled me today by putting on his boots and picking up his tablet and a blanket. I picked up the keys thinking he was asking for a car ride but he ended up taking me outside because he wanted to nap on the neighbors trampoline snugged up with me. I melted. 


I still feel awful and ashamed for saying I didn't want to be his mother anymore, but even when I had that on my mind the fact that I love him more than anything never changes., No. And I realize that others here have it worse but I fantasize about not having to deal with the constant daily challenges. I feel trapped because I don’t believe I could ever leave. She’s 8 now. And I’m not sure if or when or how she’ll be able to be an adult and able to live on her own. She’s been kicked out of 3 schools, has lost me multiple childhood friends, lost my friendship with my best man in my wedding, created rifts with close family. There’s no babysitter we can find who lasts so my wife and I rarely get a night to ourselves. She sleeps like an adult and I have to drag her out of bed every morning just so that she goes to sleep before 11pm. If I don’t let her do what she wants she screams, calls me the worst names, says she hates me. And I’m paying $1k a month for her therapy.

I wish someone would’ve told me there was a possibility that this could be my life. I thought that because I worked hard in school, got a good education, great career, high income, work from home, that I could be happy. And yet this is my life., We have a 18 YO NT Daughter at College, 16 YO NTish Son at Junior College & a ASD 3 almost 3 year old who is pre-verbal (knows 12 words now).

I would define our life as very “Complex” our normal looks very different then most people but we are happy. Tons of therapy and as an example we just had our first movie out in 3 years while LO was in ABA.

But he is so very Awesome. Like anything in life the world is ultimately what you make of it. Personal clarity is really the root of happiness., Honestly speaking, having an autistic kid is very hard on  the parents. After my daughter was diagnosed, my life turned upside down. I couldn't go back to work because she is severe. Someone has to take care of her or look after her. She is 5 years old. My husband works full time, and he has financial responsibilities, so he can not help me out all the time. So, now, I am stuck with her, and I don't have a choice. No babysitter or daycare wants to deal with her because she is extremely aggressive at times. My life sucks!!! I cannot work, I cannot go out when she is home (unless my husband is watching her) I cannot have time to myself because she is clingy and wants attention or food all the time. I have become a prisoner in my own home!!! 
She is completely non-verbal and has extreme sensory issues. Respite care is only 20 hours per month in the state I am in. Most respite care providers lack staff to even give you a break. Honestly, I hate my life, I regret everything. I regret getting married. I regret having my daughter. If I could go back in time and change it, I would. I am just so burned out and so fed up that at times, I don't want to deal with it at all, but I don't have a choice. I miss my old life..so, think before you make that decision...life is not going to be easy if you have an autistic child., If you’re having questions like this without kids don’t have them. Simple blunt and to the point., I love my son - not any more or less because his autism. I love him because he's him. His Autism is a DISABILITY  but does not define who he is as a person.

I absolutely hate his Autism. My son is level 3, pre-verbal but in actuality still predominantly non-verbal. Autism is parenting on EXTREMELY HARD mode. Some people will sugar coat the shit out of it but trust, it's not for the faint of heart. Don't let tik tok, Pinterest, Facebook and this other social media fool you. Autism isn't a cute quirk, or a different type of brain wiring. It's a disability that requires, for some families, an insane amount of resources and time. 

If you know you may possibly be autistic, have autism in either of your families then think long and hard about having biological children. It's ""cute"" when it's a 2 minute tik tok or a gushy validation seeking Facebook or even reddit post but when you're looking in the face of a person you love most in the world, who you chose to bring in this world and KNOW they will struggle more than a person who is not disabled it's not so cute. It's not so quirky. It's not AUSOME 🙄. It's more often than not heartbreaking.

Not coming for you, just giving you a perspective from a mother who loves her son more than her next breath but  if I would have known my son would be disabled I would have never ever offered him up to this world. He deserves so much better than what life has in store for him.

Much love., Omg I love my life and my son with autism is one of (if not THE) best part of it. I think jt comes from a partial place of privilege bc we’re dealing w mostly not huge “challenges” rn speech delay and lack of interest in peers. He’s 3 and I know things will be harder as he grows and little kid problems grow into big kid problems. But my day to day life is made better everyday from my son. Nothing makes me happier than seeing him happy and helping to contribute to whatever he’s super interested at the moment (rn it’s letters/the alphabet). Even today I can easily say the highlight was a new alphabet book I got him arriving and him screaming w happiness and kissing the book saying “so happy” after he finished looking through it each time., Wouldnt say happy. But i wouldnt say its because of my daughter either. I just had a child too young and the lack of resources and financing (i make a decent salary for my age but insufficient for where i live). Having children is to sign up for stress, anxiety, depression, etc. to at least some degree. 

The grass is never greener on the other side. 

I dont know what life would be like without her because shes here. And I wouldnt want a world without her. Even if i regret how/when/with whom i brought her into this world., You could ask this same question on a general parenting group and you would find the same varied replies. Not all autistic kids are the same with support needs and not all parents and sibling dynamics are the same. People are going to have drastically different experiences. Also, most people who are happy don’t go posting about being so happy. So you are only going to see venting. I would say the answer is it’s highly dependent on your personality, your kid, financial resources for help, a village to help, etc., Honestly, this is the wrong few weeks to ask me this. So as of right now? no 

There are *things* that make me happy, but on the whole? No., Apologies, I’m about to be the outlier here. And sorry this is long! 

At the moment, no, I’m not happy. My husband and I are pretty stressed out and have been since our daughter was born five years ago. She was only one when the pandemic started so we had the added stressor of trying to keep the baby and ourselves from catching covid. She would have gotten diagnosed earlier if not for the pandemic (for a variety of reasons, including *we had no idea that her behavior wasn’t typical* until she was about three years old, because we were pretty isolated, because stupid pandemic). We thought it was just the terrible twos until we saw what NT three year olds were like and realized something was off. 

We might be in a happier place now if Covid hadn’t happened, ha. The irony is that with pandemic plus a very needy baby at the time, we decided not to have any more kids…but our kid would probably do well with a younger sibling, and it would take some of the pressure off us to have to play with her all the time. 

As of now we can’t go out to eat at restaurants or do normal family things because our kid is kind of a nightmare when I’m around. Pretty sure she masks around everyone who isn’t me, so I see all the less than stellar behavior. She and her dad can go out and do stuff. She and I can’t. She runs away from me, doesn’t listen, screams at me, etc. ABA helps somewhat but not enough that we can do typical family things. 

My advice on having a kid: you should only have one if you absolutely want to!! I 100 percent wanted a child, had IVF to have her, and it’s currently not going as I had hoped (and that’s an understatement). I do have hope for the future, having read others’ stories here about their kids mellowing out as they get older.

You never, ever know what you’re going to get with a child. Having one is such a crapshoot. Usually it turns out okay. Sometimes it doesn’t. You have to be prepared for the unknown and okay with things not turning out how you hoped., My kid is the sweetest kid ever and my favorite person in the entire world. He makes me want to live forever to be there for him. My unhappiness is due to my own mental health, I probably should not have become a mom until I got that in check, but I am, and I have to be better for him., i’m really happy, but my daughter is also low support needs and really only struggles with social skills and is still quite far behind verbally. she’s naturally pleasant and easy going, and she doesn’t display any “extreme” behaviours, so this is probably contributing to my level of happiness. i am sure i would be absolutely crazy about her no matter her level of support needs, but we definitely have it pretty easy when it comes to parenting an autistic child., My son is 5 years old, level 3, and nonverbal. He's the love of my life and I'm extremely happy. I would do anything for him. Realizing that he was autistic finally made me apply myself, I now have a job with good insurance that pays for his ABA at 90% (plus HSA funds for the rest). I've earned two degrees in order to switch careers because I know he'll have high needs throughout his lifetime. That being said, of course the isolation, destructive behaviors, sleep disturbances, and communication difficulties add stress on top of having plenty of stressors in my life already. I do have to vent sometimes, being a parent of a child with his needs isn't for the faint of heart. I don't know anyone IRL who would understand what I'm going through so sometimes I have to whine online., So I can say as a parent of a Kid that has Level 1 and Auditory Processing Disorder.  I wouldn't want him to have kids.  The likely hood that his children would have Level 2 or Level 3 is highly likely.  He's got it bad enough i couldn't imagine having children knowing that they would have it harder than you.  I just don't think it's worth it and it's not fair to the child., The experiences are going to vary widely, but I think the most important thing here is that you are trying to find any sliver of hope to convince yourself to have kids. I think you were clear in your other thread that your boyfriend is the primary motivation behind this. 


I'll be blunt: even now, women tend to do the lion's share of childrearing and housekeeping. In a divorce, fathers tend to fare better than mothers, even years down the line. If you have a disabled child, there's a very real possibility it will impact your ability to work. About 50% of us can't work, myself included. 


These are very real, serious things you need to think about. 


I will be taking care of my children forever, of that there's no doubt. Had I known my husband was autistic, had I suspected I was, we wouldn't have had children. 


Because - it's not fair to bring a child into the world who will always depend on you. It just isn't. If we lived in an ideal world where public education was actually funded and many of us didn't have to homeschool, if group homes were adequately staffed and funded, etc., it would be a different story. But what we're seeing now will still probably be a battle decades from now.  


I love my kids. We have happy moments. My 9 year old can now do a lot more, but he will always need help. But my youngest will be 7 this year and it's becoming increasingly obvious how much more severe his autism is. He's leashed everywhere we go and we don't live a normal life with him. 


I am isolated a lot. It has absolutely taken a toll on my marriage. We spend some evenings together after the kids are in bed, but as the youngest gets up and down, there's always interruptions. We don't have a baby-sitter. 


I have good relationships with my kids - but make no mistake, there is no ""me"" anymore. I have about 7-10 hours a week to myself. That includes showering time. 


This is a very hard life. It'll probably impact you more than a boyfriend or husband. Think long and hard. , I’m definitely happy. My daughter is 20 and nonverbal. She is the happiest and sweetest person alive. It’s not without struggle of course. She’ll never be independent and I’m caretaking far longer than I would have ever imagined. Still I feel so grateful for her. She’s such an innocent and gentle soul. I can’t imagine having missed out on her. I take her out to fine dining places routinely and last year she went to her first live concert and to Disney World. All this took work over years to get here, but sharing these moments with her finally is an indescribable joy. 

That said, we have considerable privilege in that I work from home and my career pays very well. Money is not a concern. Im healthy and young. 

I’m entirely self made and a single parent so I also know the other side of it. This life is easier when you have resources and support and no other significant stressors. But I would say the same thing of having children in general. There just are no guarantees. Typical kids can be physically ill, malicious, destructive, unlikeable, violent or any number of other things., The hardest part about parenting to me is not having any family support. My kids, one is autistic and the other probably neurodivergent in other ways (in the process of evaluating him), are actually quite amazing. Yes, there are hard phases and moments. My hardest moment so far has been the transition to elementary school because my autistic son struggled to regulate his emotions when things got difficult for him. Now that we adjusted his IEP, he enjoys school. 

But I’ve never spent more that a couple nights away from my kids and they’ve never gone a night away from being with me or their dad. The few times they’ve been away from me was when I couldn’t go to my in laws house out of stateso they left with their dad (my hubby). So that part has been hard too, family doesn’t really help daily. They don’t offer sleepovers and my mom always made excuses about it, until I just stopped asking., I am autistic and a parent. I am beyond happy. Most of my life I was so depressed and anxious and burnt out. My husband and my kids changed and saved my life. Still tired but my husband is an awesome stay at home dad retired from the military I work swing shifts 5 nights a week. We have an awesome relationship we had kids after 10 years together. We have one child with ASD and one NT. 18 months away from the youngest starting school and then we will have school days together to ourselves, No. The intense stress is literally killing me. My health keeps deteriorating in new and fun ways, I never know what’s next., My wife and I are both professionals with advanced degrees. Our son was born back in 2017 and he's the sweetest boy you'll ever meet. We decided having additional bio children wasn't for us just because of how hard the pregnancy was. In July we adopted a baby girl.

My son got a tonsillectomy today and has spent the past 3 hours post-op screaming at us and not drinking.

Do I wish certain things were easier (for him and for me)? Of course. Anyone who says ""they wouldn't change a thing"" is painting that overly rosy picture to try and convince themselves. But there has not been a single day in his life that I have ever wished he wasn't here.

Your question tho was ""are you happy with your lives?"". Having a neurodivervent child is harder on your marriage, your personal life and your work life. But I am absolutely happy with my life. My answer would probably be different if I had to stay home all day as the primary care taker because I've found I need to work if even for my own sanity and feeling of self-worth. 

Whether it's something you'd be happy with is ultimately up to you, but I genuinely wish you the best of luck and thank you for your post. Seeing adults with autism having these kinds of debates give everyone of us grinding daily tasks that are harder than they should be hope for their future., I’m happy sometimes?  And not happy other times?  At this point, it’s not really because of the kids, though young children are A LOT, regardless of neurotype. 

Really, I would say I am satisfied and content. If I didn’t have kids I could not have fun infodumping about Pokemon with them and watching them see things I love to do for the first time with happy excitement. It’s really cool. But they’re still people. And so you have to be realistic., I have a very close relationship with my son, he cried so much as a baby and I found inventive ways to soothe him and therefore we developed such a close bond. He’s very cuddly and loving. We do most of the things NT families do, dinners vacations, parks, hikes. We just put probably a little more planning into it than NT families, making sure they have food that he likes, things like that, plan b for I’d things don’t work out. Stuff like that. It’s gotten easier as he’s gotten older and more mature. He’s also very funny and artistic. I don’t thinks I’d change a thing. I have NT kids too and they all have their own challenges that make parenting hard too. I don’t think having NT kids guarantees smooth sailing either. If anything I worry less about his problems with academia and behaviors because I understand him ajd his struggles more than NT kids who just lack motivation or are acting out., No. I have moments of happiness but they’re always tinged with sadness., "" I want to want a kid so badly.""

You don't want kids! You should tell your boyfriend that in very clear terms. Don't have kids because you think you should. 

I have three kids I always wanted to badly and I'm still drained and resentful a lot of the time. Even neurotypical kids are SO MUCH WORK. I'm not minimizing how much work it is to have an autistic kid - but neurotypical kids still don't sleep through the night, go on food strike, poop their pants, throw a huge tantrum about an iPad, etc. It's so tiring even on good days and I can't imagine doing this if it wasn't something I wanted deeply., I am absolutely happy with my life. My autistic kid is actually my easier one! My frustrations are with the world and how it fails to accommodate him — not my kid who is a total delight and surprises me all the time., Nope. 35 m with a son with ASD and likely ADHD and another son who seems to have avoided both. Constantly burned out, overstressed, irritable. Love my kids, and we're doing our best, but happiness feels a long way off., Yes overall.  Most of things I find hardest about our life are more to do with my son’s comorbidities like his epilepsy and disability.  My boy is generally a sweet easy going boy who loves cuddles and tries his best (well most of the time lol).  We also have a typical 3 year old and that is part of our happiness because we can do a  lot of things we envisioned with her and sometimes our boy is able join.  Do I wish things were different with him? Yes, but that doesn’t mean I regret having him.  I love him.  I like him as a little person.  I don’t mind this alternate path a lot of the time., I have a really hard time keeping my house clean but honestly that’s my biggest complaint so I think we are doing AOk and I’m very happy! Our daughter is really flourishing this year - she’s 7 and she just starting wanting to have conversations, she ditched her headphones and has been dressing herself and we’ve had zero accidents! There’s definitely really hard periods but that is life in general, sometimes it sucks, sometimes it’s wonderful lol, I mean, I’m not depressed. Do I wish things were different, yes. But I’m not necessarily unhappy., I have 2 kids, 4 and 2; my 4 year old was diagnosed with autism about a year ago. He’s verbal and “high functioning”, but there are still things we have to work on and cause stress. I’m in my early 40’s, female, and while not diagnosed, I (and my parents) suspect I’m on the spectrum. My son’s temperament, the way his autism presents is so similar to me as a small child. My whole life has felt like a struggle; relationships, work/career specifically, my mental health. I still struggle a lot of with anxiety and depression and was terrified to have children but wanted them so I gave it a shot (made me anxious, I can’t lie). I can say without a doubt motherhood is the best thing that ever happened to me. It’s not easy all the time, but they, these two little humans and their personalities, bring me more joy and happiness than anything life has ever brought me. It feels like a gift to be a parent, in my experience. Many days are hard, I’m a full time working mother so scrambling to meet deadlines while getting my son to appts, ABA, etc, is rough, but my husband is very hands on and other family members nearby have been a support system for us. I know not everyone has that but it is a huge help., Not just that your child could be autistic also consider how you as an autistic would handle any child regardless of neurotype. Kids are an around the clock job. They are loud, they are messy, they need attention even if you are in burnout. They make noise when you need some quiet. They have smells and messy diapers. There’s 0 days of bed rotting allowed and you have way more pressure to be organized and put together and everything cleaned and remember stuff like their appts and school things etc. It’s alotttttttt….

Comparison is the thief of joy. I try not to think what my friends with NT kids are doing because their reality is diff. Their kids are eating a variety of food, they’re not hitting themselves in the head, they’re not melting down over basic things, they’re not in some autonomy struggle where a time out or counting to 3 isn’t effective at stopping negative behavior. And it is isolating to not have people to talk to that don’t offer useless suggestions because they don’t understand., Hi, turns out my husband and I are both on the spectrum, we went into it thinking it was just him (adhd was my dx)

There are hard parts, for sure. I can't say how your experience will be. I can tell you my children are happy, and most weeks so are we. We can go to festivals on the lake, big outdoor concerts, a whole bunch of things. We can't go to a indoor restaurant as a family, the din is too much.
 It's stuff like that; you just have to plan around yourselves and your kids. My kids might have different needs than yours. But I just wanted to chime in and say it can be fun, happy, and rewarding. 

My husband almost never smiled. He didn't really get into much that wasn't his interests. I can't explain to you the joy our children have shown on his face and in his day to day. It's crazy sweet to witness.

That said; agree with other comments. If you don't want kids please don't feel pressured. You get what you get and they need from you in a way that can be hard to manage., I wouldn't change my life for anything. My children give me purpose.
Yes, I'm overwhelmed, so so overwhelmed and burnt out but I love being a parent and I love their quirks and watching them both stim.
I just hope it gets easier managing 2 autistic children who have totally different needs.
I don't have a village to help me, I do 99% alone apart from school. The oldest doesn't sleep good.

If you are unsure about kids then don't let anyone try and talk you into it. Consider what you'd be giving up, make sure your partner is good with kids and especially clued up on potentially having an autistic child (or more than one).
Talk about how you'd raise the child, what values and ideals you want to teach them, parenting goals etc.
The mental load is also something to consider. Does your partner contribute to that now? Because if not it only gets worse when you have children.
I separated before my 2nd was even born because I wouldn't settle for a deadbeat., Firstly- I 1000% agree with prior post. If you don’t have a deep yearning for children, don’t have them. 
Second- my life has many happy moments. It also has many moments of despair. There are times when I feel weighed down by a thousand responsibilities. 
Third- don’t have kids unless you are 100% ready to deal with the consequences of a very low functioning child. My husband and I both know autistic kids from prior relationships. We both love our sons desperately, but it’s not a life I would volunteer for anyone. 
Fourth- it doesn’t end at 18. Are you willing to have a life often dictated by what your child can do? Are you prepared for the financial consequences?

If I had known beforehand that I would have an autistic child, then I would have adopted. I love my son, and that is part of the problem. I can’t protect him from the world. I can only support him. His life will always be a struggle, and that is not a life I would choose for a child, I'm very happy with my life. I was dx with autism the same time as my son. He is my world, and I love him so much that I'm having another in June. I don't even think about our dx most of the time. It's just a part of who we are. My family does better at life than most neurotypical people, so who the hell is anyone to judge me for living my best life?, I'm happy! I had and have problems and stressors, but none of it has outweighed my natural optimism and all the great things my life. And for the past three years, my daughter has been a big part of (both parts of) that. 

Is it a lot of work to keep up on all her therapies? You betcha. But all kids are a lot of work, so that was a given going into this. I have an extra workload, but I was never going to not be busy and tired as a late 40s single parent. 

Do I worry about her future? Absolutely. But I'm also very aware that I have it easier than most - she's very chill, fairly adaptive, and very smart. Happy and bouncing all around like a gummi bear. And once I knew she had receptive language, I was able to unclench. If she's never truly verbal (which her therapists do think she will be), we'll figure it out. She gets her messages across very clearly right now (and I'm basically deaf to body language or gestures, so she has to be broadcasting VERY LOUDLY), and we haven't even gotten to writing or an AAC yet. 

This weekend, we're heading off to Mexico on vacation for two weeks. Last year we went to Disney World. We don't get out nearly enough in general, but that's me being a lazy hermit, not her not wanting to. We go to the playground. The Please Touch Museum. Local fairs and theme parks. Play in the snow. There are places I can't take her (indoor malls, mostly), and things she can't do (fireworks, for instance, or parades). and places that used to be hard to take her but aren't anymore (out for meals springs to mind), but that doesn't mean we're trapped at home., Not happy. Don't have kids., Yes. While kids may be harder some days than others, we live a very peaceful, happy life as a family unit. Both hubby and I find time to pursue our hobbies and even do date nights once a month.

That said, 3-4 were really the hell years for our oldest, and things were bleak at that point., I am incredibly happy. 3 kids, 2 with autism, and a husband that works away from home all week long. It’s hard, sometimes I feel like I’m going to lose my mind, but I wouldn’t change a single thing., I have two autistic kids, one of which also has ADHD. I'm diagnosed ADHD and suspect autistic as well.  Our lives are good.  We do have some challenges that NT families don't, but the way I see it, all families will have different challenges. We do things that work for our family.  Sometimes that means skipping experiences, or different methods of doing things, or needing extra support, and that's OK.  I wouldn't trade my kids for the world. I have posted about struggles in harder times, but it's not that I resent or regret my kids, it's that I know there are people who will understand without judgment., My happiness (joy) does not come from having my children or their fluctuating levels of difficulty. Don't get me wrong - I greatly enjoy my children and I also face many frustrating circumstances with them too. They are a huge source of joy and love in my life, and I'd like to think more so than a source of heartache and frustration.

But I went many years without knowing two of my children and myself are likely on the spectrum (we are not professionally diagnosed yet) and while it's been very helpful in developing patience, understanding, and grace - both with myself and my kids - it has not been the make-or-break factor in determining how my life is going to go. 

Much of the big changes to living a happier, healthier life have been spiritual for me. I know not everyone will agree with me and that's okay. You don't have to. My greatest source of joy is my relationship with Jesus Christ. Everything has gotten better and easier to handle once I trusted in Him. It has put us in contact with mentors and people that are like family to us that are guiding us on this journey (and they have ASD kids and relatives too!).

A lot of this growth has come with mindset changes and getting rid of old beliefs I used to have about children/families that came from trauma and from growing up in a rather toxic household. (We are NC now and I have never had more peace!) Tackling these issues head on has relieved a lot of the anxiety and stress I used to have around managing kids, a house, a marriage, homeschooling, etc. The last 2 or 3 years have been the best I've ever had, and I can finally hope and believe that things are going to get even better for us still. 

But ultimately it's been a choice. Sure, there will be difficult days, stressful days, but also happy days and days to celebrate. I cannot and will not push you one way or the other about having children - that's your decision. Whatever you decide, will you choose to look for the positive or the negative in life? Because your joy will not be found *only* in children or parenting.,  I had no idea I was autistic and now I have 3 very young autistic kids. The stigmatization is very difficult and the constant advocating, standing up for your kids and proving people about your kids are exhausting. I got much more criticism from families than strangers which is very hard. I am lucky my kids appear to be level 1-2 I guess. My older son is pretty darn rigid especially at evenings but other than that he is fine., I’m happy but I do feel I’d be happier if I could communicate and connect with him more. That’s my answer., We seem to oscillate between look at us with our collective shit together and there’s been no aggressions, no one has gotten crab pinched, everyone is CHILL. Then there are times I pick him up from his dad and he bashes his head into the closed car window and usually once I get onto i95, he will unbuckle his restraints and come for my neck quite literally. My son is non speaking, but I feel I fulfill his wants and needs. He is as quick to respond in a loving manner with hugs and kisses as he is to hurt me, or his younger brother. We are his two targets when he is upset. I have remarried, years ago. My husband and son have a very special bond and my husband also just naturally has more patience than I do. He also has four of his own children with his ex wife. The man has experience. My ex husband and his wife have a bad habit of leaving our son out of family gatherings and parties. I can understand going to unfamiliar places with unfamiliar faces. But we take him to gatherings. The pool. The zoo. The park. It’s difficult though since he loves all of those places, I look like a kidnapper trying to get him to leave. 

I love my boys. I love all six of these kids. He does add a level of trickiness to things we do. We have to be vigilant as he will cut and run. I feel like since we share custody, we get a “break”. My youngest son, who as I said is a target oftentimes, does not get a break from his brother. There’s a lot of anger surrounding that. My youngest is in therapy on his own and also we do family work together. 

Some days are better than others. Sometimes I have to go hour by hour. It’s the nature of the beast. Plus he’s almost 14. Imagine being a 14 year old boy and going through puberty and feeling so confused. We explain but I honestly and say what he retains and processes. 

Don’t get depressed over what could possibly be, you’d never get very far. There’s so many variable in parenting and having a family that meshes well. It’s impossible to plan for everything. If you’re thinking this deeply about it, you’re already aware of what COULD happen. When I close my eyes and think of my Parker, I mostly see a giggly goofer with floppy hair that just wants a tickle and some seltzer water. That’s a pretty picture for me to have in my mind., You don’t.  If you do not want kids then you don’t want kids.  If he does then you two have a major incompatibility and likely need to move on to other partners who share the same life goals.   He will resent you eventually for not wanting kids and if you decide to appease him then you may resent him for pressuring you.    I know parents of neurotypical kids that are unhappy and I know parents of autistic kids who are happy with their children.   My ex has 2 autistic girls and is very happy with them.    I find my son to be challenging but not the reason for my unhappiness.  If anything he is the reason I left a horrific relationship my life may not be what I had envisioned for myself but it’s soo much better than it was before., I get told all the time what a dear my autistic child is.  He is smart (reading at 3) , social (have to rein him in) and loves to compliment people.   What I’m unhappy with has nothing to do with him.  He is my joy., Hell yeah I’m happy, Having a NT son first, before my NueroSpicy younger son ended up helping me understand this question. 
I only have boys, but BOTH of them are equally hard., >But are there any parts of your life that are genuinely good.

There are some good parts, yes. Overall I am not happy but that doesn't mean it's ALL bad.

>Are you able to do any of the normal and fun things that neurotypical families do?

Some things, yes. My autistic child is able to handle some activities really well. Strangely, she did amazing at Disneyland lol. She enjoys being in nature so we do a lot of hiking and camping. But other ""normal"" things like eating at a restaurant is usually a no-go.

>Do you have a good relationship with your child and your spouse?

I have a good relationship with each of my children. They have their moments where it's all about dad and they don't want me, but for the most part yes. My spouse is another story, though. Our relationship has definitely suffered since having children.

>Are you ever not burnt out depressed irritable and overstimulated? 

I have brief moments where I'm not irritable and overstimulated but that describes probably 90% of my life., It's ok to not want kids if you don't want them , it's your life . Live it how you want . 
I have a son with Autism and I can't lie at one point I wasn't sure if I could carry on because he was really aggressive and hurting me . BUT that was partly my fault , he can't talk but I wasn't listening . We forget there's a hundred ways to communicate. Once I learnt to watch his cues and listen to him he calmed down so much. He's so much more affectionate and he's happy ! I'm happy ! I love my life now and we work together . I just don't do things with him that other kids do but that's ok . I hated going to the park as a kid and kicking a ball and as someone without autism I love being at home and hate going out so for us we connect haha 
Once you realise that there are so many things you can do that makes you both happy ie we love spinning and chasing each other , love bouncing then you can find things together . But you have to work at that ., My (now 9 year old) daughter is the very best ‘thing’ that has ever happened to me.  She is the light of my life and the joy of my heart.  I’m so amazed by how thoughtful, kind, silly, and sweet she is!  

I’m so thankful every single day for her.  It took us over a decade of trying to be able to have her (on my second cycle of IUI at a fertility clinic).  Life is really hard and messy and beautiful.  She makes me want to be better and do better.  It’s a rocky road but it’s getting better through a lot of hard work.  
Anything worth having is worth working for.

I highly recommend working on your own mental health and your relationship before you try for kids.  Once you have children, everything changes, and it’s much harder to manage self-care.  If either of you have childhood trauma, please address it asap as it is really triggered when you have your own children., It's ok to not want kids. My 3 year old is level 2 and if he makes the choice as someone who's autistic not to have children I'll 100% support him. But as for your question I'm very happy to be the mother of an autistic child and as far as we know a NT child(he's only 4 weeks old). Of course it can be hard especially because I'm bipolar so I get a little wonky at times but I find my life with children very fulfilling but yes over stimulating more so when the toddler and baby are crying at the same time., What does it mean to be happy to you?, I am the parent of a young child (6m). My stress is not to do with my child per se, but rather the frustration of trying to suss out services/resources. 

One thing I have learned in life is that everything is a matter of outlook. I came to parenthood relatively late in life(early 40s). In my 20s I focused a lot on the negative things that happened in my sphere of existence. I was not ready to be a parent then. Somewhere around 29 I realized that s**t happens to everyone. It is just a matter of whether or not one allows that mess to be the focus of the rest of one’s day. It was eye-opening and definitely worked to reset my approach to daily living. I didn’t become a different person, but I did work to be less triggered by things I could not control. 

There came a time in my 30s when a kind of calm just settled over me about becoming a parent and it felt absolutely cosmically right to have a child. I am supremely grateful that I get to discover the world through his eyes and also that I get to help him learn to develop the tools to deal with the world around him. You, OP, may be in an even better place to help your child because unlike me you are also on the spectrum. 

Is it challenging? Hell yes, but the majority of what makes me frustrated comes from external issues, such as the lack of coordination with respect to available resources and the fact that there is no one place to find them.  

You never know who your child is going to be personality-wise, regardless of their place on the spectrum. You could have a typical child that challenges you more than any other child might. You could have a child on the spectrum that is amazingly easy personality-wise., No. Always tired, have had to give up pretty much everything that gives me joy because of lack of childcare, about to have to lose a career I worked hard to build (and is the last thing I enjoy as everything else has been stripped off me) as child can’t go to school, plus all the battles with institutions that should be helping but are not - even after a good fight.
Life is just more of the same frustrations, getting through each day knowing tomorrow will be the same - or worse. The constant threat of poverty due to the lack of appropriate resources to my child and my likely inability to work in the near future because of that. 
The very little engagement I get back from my child after all that. 
It’s lonely and it’s tiring., I haven’t been genuinely happy in years. I can’t remember what joy feels like. I don’t think I can even feel my soul anymore. Sorry it’s bleak!, I’m a “high functioning” autistic woman, with a 6 year old low functioning, non verbal daughter. Her father abandoned us after being ingolved for five years of her life -he was the one who wanted to get me pregnant and manipulated me into avoiding abortion- , he doesn’t pay child support and left me to be the default parent (as always, only this time is worse because I’m almost all alone). My life is hell everyday, and I wish I was dead most of the time., I am AuDHD with two AuDHD children and I would say that I am happy. I’ve always struggled with anxiety and depression and have a massive amount of past trauma, but I’m as “happy” as I have ever been. This life is hard though. Being a parent is overwhelming most of the time but also very rewarding. However, I always knew I wanted kids. Even though it is a very hard life, I couldn’t imagine not having kids. But if you aren’t 100% sure you want kids, don’t have them. If you don’t have a deep longing to have children and feel like your life isn’t complete without them, don’t do it. Being a parent is a 24/7 commitment for 18 years and doesn’t just end at 18. I didn’t know I was AuDHD when I had kids. I’m overstimulated and exhausted basically all the time. I love them dearly though and do the best I can for us all. I would lay down my life for my kids in a heartbeat but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel like I’m about to lose my mind at any given moment. One warning I can give you though, don’t count on having any help. Your bf may be a great person, but 98% of fathers don’t provide half the childcare or emotional support, not to mention the cleaning and running the household. If you decide to go through with having children, don’t do it unless you are prepared to be the primary parent with no support. Mothers often can’t count on family or friends to help either. I moderated a mom support group and the horror stories I read would give you nightmares., im happy for the most part but i think if i had another child, who most likely would be autistic, id lose it and feel regret. my son is only 3 years old and we’ve had a lot of hard moments. its been a real journey navigating this life with an autistic child that the thought of going through it all again makes me already regret it lol. If you don’t want any children, listen to yourself. In the end, moms carry the heavier load of parenting (i know not always but usually) and it can really take a toll on you. i’m pretty sure i’m autistic as well and if i would’ve known before, i wouldn’t have gotten pregnant. I love my son but I think my mind/body can only handle him., I looked at your other post and I think all of your worries are valid. It's hard. It's really really hard to be neurodivergant with neurodivergant kids, but it is doable. I would suggest ensuring you have all of these items in place before having children: 1) a really strong supportive long lasting relationship with someone who understands neurodiversity and is able to support you during tough times 2) other support people and services like housecleaning, babysitting, therapy etc 3) lots of money so you don't have to work crazy hours outside of the home AND parent 4) healthy coping methods like art, music, whatever 5) access to services for early intervention (if needed) for your child., Very happy. Also very appreciative of having a ND child. Has made me a better and more caring, compassionate person, I am truly happy with my life. My 5 year old is autistic and every day she wakes up I tell her I’m so happy to be her mama. We have our challenges but I’m happy and so is my family., It depends on the day. As of late things have been shit as my son has been having self injury screaming fits for bedtime. Both my husband and I tag team restraining him. It really fucking sucks. If it gets worse, we’ll have to call an ambulance to take him somewhere., What really torments me, is knowing that I'm going to die and leave my autistic child behind. He has a lot of capability, but I don't think he'll ever be *completely* independent. Other than that, I think I'm pretty happy. I have a wonderful husband, and we're financially secure enough to easily afford anything we need. 

My son is pretty happy, loves school, laughing, cuddling, etc. He is a lot of work, but he also makes me very happy (as does his NT sister)., Not happy. If I could go back I wouldn’t have had children., I love my life- i have two kids with ASD. There’s a lot of appointments and therapies which is hard but worth it. And a lot of late nights. My husband seems neurodivergent (and by that I mean undiagnosed) and understands our oldest way better and can better anticipate her needs in a helpful way (just as an example- counting down as I brush her hair because “she just needs to know it’s going to be over” and he was right that helps her a lot) I think being a parent is hard and all parents feel pressure to be a perfect parent and maybe that’s more intense when you have kids with different needs especially because you see all these therapists and specialists. 

Everyone is slipping on a banana peel away from a disability- which I mean anyone could develop a disability at anytime and life is unpredictable so I wouldn’t let that hold you back because nothing is guaranteed anyway- even for neurotypical kids. Some people are neurotypical and easy to raise- but still grow up to be jerks. Every person born is a chance to make the world a better place. And if you decide it’s not for you that is totally ok too- there are lots of ways to share that love in your heart without having a child., Very happy! With added disclaimer that I think we have it pretty easy with my 3yo.  Harder than my friends with NT kids. But much easier than many of the parents here in this community. And that certainly affects the experience.

He’s got a few words, getting more, though inconsistent. He doesn’t have trouble telling us what he wants (body language + vibes lol). The harder part is his very limited receptive language. But hey, he has some now and a year ago it was literally zero, so progress.

He is snuggly and affectionate. Silly and sweet. He also pinches and bites me at times (I’ve got some battle scars). And tests limits allllllllll the time.

But being his mom is a joy. It’s tiring and I get overstimulated. But we are one and done, so we can tag out to recharge when needed.  

Which is a key reason I can come here and say I’m happy, and mean it., Yes, I am. Even though my 3yo is autistic I feel I got really lucky with most things. She doesn’t have many behaviors, she sleeps through the night, we can easily engage with her. She’s nonverbal but she has her ways of telling us what she wants/needs. I also have older kids 7yo & 9yo and she doesn’t play with them much but she can tolerate being around them without getting upset that someone is in her space. I thank God for her, she’s saved me in more ways than one and made me look at life in a whole new perspective 🩷, If your sole pursuit in life is to be ""happy,"" you'll be a prisoner of this chase forever.  Raising kids in general is a tough business.  There are so many factors out of your control it's a miracle that they can make it so far, with all the help and village (or lack thereof) to raise them.  It's all about perspective; there will be good times, bad times, ugly times and hard times.  This is regardless of whether your kids is neuro divergent with ASD or any other health/mental/genetic abnormalities.  You have to take a leap of faith and understand your child may or may not be who you thought they're going to be.  For many parents with kids that have ASD diagnosis, it's not about finding the typical happiness of rearing a child, but finding deeper meaning in hopes of preparing their kids for a future that they deserve despite having their disability.  Good luck and I hope you the best in whatever you decide., I love my children with all of my heart, might, mind, and soul. My 9 year old is ND and my 6 year old is NT. My NT kid is just as hard if not harder than my ND kid. And Yes I am happy. Not content but happy. It gets easier as they get older. Not easy, but easier and helping them figure out life and what works is the best and when something clicks for them, oh my gosh. I love when he figures things out. Sometimes he will write notes and it’s like wow you are listening and learning and they are such happy parent moments. He’s the best kid ever (I’m absolutely biased.) and I wouldn’t change our journey because it’s make me, him, his sister and his father better people. We have learned so much on this journey. I love my life. I really do., I often do this thing where I time travel in my head, try to meet my partner earlier, go into a different career, avoid bad experiences or horrible people but every single time I abandon the daydream - because even in a make believe moment I don't want to jeopardise anything via butterfly effect that would stop her coming to me, *exactly* as she is., I will agree with the comments saying don't have kids unless you want them. SERIOUSLY!?! I sometimes think the boomers didn't want children, but they did so because they were supposed to..."" they seem like they hated having children.  I digress. 

In all seriousness,  I wanted children since I was an adult.  I am autistic and my oldest (5) is autistic.  My youngest is very different from my oldest, and we're not seeing any of the signs we saw with the older one of autism. We'll see as she gets older. 

I've never questioned the difficulties and whether or not it's worth it.  I am fulfilled most days,  even though it's tough.  It's easy to complain and vent about the hard stuff.  My oldest had an upset stomach on the drive home from school today and was screaming in the car.  I wanted to start screaming myself from her ear piercing screams.  But then I remember that my parents were quick to anger and quick to violence,  and I'm suddenly happy that my daughters get to grow up in a home where they feel like they belong and are loved and accepted as they are. 

Yes,  I'm trying to give them a life I didn't have,  but I also love the things we do together. We go camping,  we learn stuff together,  I share my experiences, and, although the older one doesn't say it very often,  I know she loves me and nothing even comes close to that feeling. The youngest is in a daddy phase and I can't get enough.  Even if she wants me in the middle of the night or when I don't have much in the tank.

It's hard to imagine a world where you are a slave to their every need,  but once you're in it,  the world you used to live in sewms a little less exciting. I do miss some of the freedom, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. I love it. 

But remember,  if you choose to have kids,  you commit.  There's no going back.  Once you're in it,  you're in it for life. Dive head first and don't look back., This is a bit philosophical, so bear with me, but happiness is relative. Happiness is not the goal to achieve in the end. Happiness is the journey. 
One can choose to be happy no matter the circumstances, and there is joy in little things. You can have the perfect life but still be unhappy, and you can have nothing and yet be happy.

I love my autistic child more than anything, and yet I struggle sometimes, even cry, but I wouldn't change my life, not one bit. I enjoy every moment, no matter if it breaks my back. 

I share this thought knowing that it all sounds a bit holier than thou, and it's not something people who are struggling want to hear, but I know there are parents here who think the same way. This is also something I learned at a young age, but it takes a lifetime to really imbibe it and make it a part of your core.
So, to answer your question, yes, there are people here who are truly happy. There are people with neurotypical kids who are the definition of unhappy. It's all a matter of perspective., I am but my son is still small so I worry about the future. I’m currently pregnant with my second., Just something to keep in mind is your child might have much higher support needs than you do. So make sure you have a lot of support. 

Also I think being am autistic parent is harder in general whether your kid is NT or ND just because of the sensory overload etc 

Do what's feels right for you! The spectrum is so wide, people will have vastly different experiences., Hmmmm. While I am happy, Im in the stage of my life where it is getting kinda easy, but slowly.

Our son is 2, almost 2.5. Progressively getting better! We are extremely proud of his progress, however it is hard. The tantrums, the stimming, not being able to successfully communicate, texture and feeding issues, and his lack of social skills.

Aside from those, I can say we take our son to many child filled events. And my kid sticks out like a sore thumb, to me. To any other parent he’s a cute 2 year old, but we know where he falls short so when he is around kids his age it is noticeably sad for us. We want better for him always, but it is hard to not compare, or wonder how life would be. 

I think as a parent of an autistic kid, you have to really remember the spectrum is different for every kid. Your struggles may not be my struggle, but it does get easier. It just takes time. 

My son did a 180 from last year, to this year and boy has it made life easier in many ways. Still challenges, but hey… progress is progress.

Goodluck, Content and generally happy, Yes - but not blissfully so - we are not Facebook/insta perfect in my household - haha. My SN child is my youngest of 4. Honestly, I can say each kid has their own annoyances and difficult behaviors depending on their stage in life. Sometimes all the kids are difficult all at the same time (or frustrating) and sometimes everyone is okay for a bit, with every combination between. We been at this parenting stage for long time now - our oldest is in college and we just started SN/integrated preschool in the fall for the youngest. 

Some days are dreadful and take everything in us just to make it to the end of a day (or when the day ends after every both of the sometimes insomniac littles finally falls sleep at 5-8am - Finally!! ). And some days are much easier than others, there may be less arguments that day and I just might see the special bond building between the kids, or my almost verbal youngest kid learns a new phrase and those days are when I feel like I'm rocking parenting and my heart just sails. 

My husband and I talk a lot about what if we hadn't had the last 2 kids ( one NT , one SN) and we always agree, we couldn't imaging our lives without them exactly as they are. Yes, I wish their lives would be easier to live through (especially the SN kiddo) but I wouldn't give them up or trade them for an ""easier kid"". We encourage special interests and try to make decisions for each kid based on what is best for them that year regarding schooling and activities. Be weird and unique and learn to laugh at yourself before anyone else has the chance.
We use these mantras to encourage each other....
"" the days (and phases) are long, but the years are so short."" and 
""When you're going through hell the only way out is to put your head down and keep goin til your through to the other side""

It can suck  sometimes, but the good times get us through the bad times. It's life set on hard difficulty, but not impossible mode.

At the end of the day, I make myself pick one good thing to be grateful or happy for so that I can count it as a small win., If you’re aware and prepared to have them then why not? Teach them about mental health early on and educate them. It was only a problem for me because mental health wasn’t talked about with me and my siblings. Break the stigma and educate. You can have bpd and be a good parent with treatment and that being said my oldest is autistic but we suspect our 2nd baby isn’t because he doesn’t have muscle weakness like my first did and he’s already reaching every milestone he’s supposed to be doing. Sometimes mental health issues can skip generations so it’s not even a 100% guarantee each of your kids will have anything. I drew the unlucky straw and got my dads mental health issues but one of my sisters and my brother are mentally well. But in all fairness if my mom didn’t cause trauma and I knew about what I had then I think I would have been fine., I’m content. I’ve been pursuing happiness since long before I had my daughter, but it’s elusive no matter what your life circumstances are. I often thought I have it easier than parents of NT kids. She’s 17 now and it’s not all sunshine and roses, but I wouldn’t say I was unhappy., How old are you? Had i waited until i was in my 30s, i would probably be happy and able to handle a difficult child. I became a parent when i was just entering adulthood.  I was learning to be grown while being responsible for a new life., I'm extremely happy. I love my son dearly and I know he loves me., My answer may vary day to day—even on hard days I’m happy, and even on easy days I can fall into a black hole. But more often than not I feel happy. My daughter will always need help, the world won’t always be kind, but I feel love and give love to her. It’s a gift. But again, ask me tomorrow and I may feel sorry for myself, sorry for my kid, and pissed at the world., Hey mom of two with one ASD son and another that as of now seems to be NT (9 months so a bit early to tell). Autism as my husband and I discovered seems to run on his side and on mine we have a lot of anxiety/adhd. We are very lucky to have an overall easy and happy child and truthfully the luck and support seems to be what makes our life easier. We do have hard days where neither boy is happy or I’m overwhelmed or my husband is. But we make it work and we make time. We have a lot of very supportive family that is always able to watch the boys for us to go and be a couple and just get a break. We did have a hard with our son’s initial diagnosis, but since then we’ve learned to celebrate all of his accomplishments and advancement. We both love our boys very much and care for them, having had them willingly and consciously. Funnily enough our NT presenting child is actually who my husband has struggled with more. So I feel like everyone’s situation is different. We find joy in going out as a family and introducing our sons to new experiences but again all situations are unique since our son is pretty easy going and loves to try new things. At the end of the day I find that those that consistently regret children the most are the ones that had to convince themselves into having them. Children should be a choice that you make enthusiastically. Because it’s better to possibly regret not having had a child than regret having had one., If you would have asked me 2 years ago, I would have replied, "" Hell no! 1 star--would not recommend."" I would have gone back in time and talked myself into sterilization. We almost didn't survive. 

Things are better now, but I am still working through a lot of C-PTSD from the rough years. I still struggle to feel ""motherly"" towards my eldest (17M/lvl3/ in residential due to violence). The little dude (14/lvl3) is alright though. He has his meltdowns occasionally but nothing like his brother and we can handle it. Haven't had to call the cops once yet (for violence, that is...he is an eloper but we have him tagged now). 

I'm glad we made it, but the dark days were baaaad. I'm glad I didn't let the darkness win and end up on the evening news. 

If I knew what I was going to have to go through, then I probably wouldn't have been brave enough to do it. 

I'd be a lot richer too, but that's a minor consideration for me., Happy is an emotion that comes and goes with current factors.  Some days/seasons we’re far from happy. It’s miserable and it feels like we’re in endless darkness. 

Other moments bring unthinkable happiness…my little guy finally catching a specific species of fish he’s been reading about, or finding a giant sketchy snake, or sharing his extreme enthusiasm for Moby Dick.  


Overall, it’s tough. But God made our dude unique.  There are 9 billion people on earth and not one is like ours.  So after the meltdowns and punching and violence and social problems and broken furniture and etc… God wanted us to have him and we buckle up and do what we need to do., Am I happy with my life? YES! I absolutely love my kids. And I have an amazing, supportive spouse who is active in raising our kids. Is our life perfect? Do we get to do everything we want to do? Absolutely NOT. I gave up a lot of myself and hobbies even when my first kid was born and hes not diagnosedwith ASD. 

I used to be an avid snowboarder, some people take their kids at a young age but I didn't, my oldest was a lil slow on milestones but never flagged for autism. I used to camp a lot and go on long backpacking/camping hikes, camping with a little with ASD, not potty trained and prone to eloping would cause me more anxiety than it was worth. Hoping to start going on easy camps again in the future but haven't mustered up the courage yet. We used to go to comic-cons and large social events with our oldest but those things also became too much with a high needs kiddo who doesn't like crowds. I haven't been to see a movie in theaters since before my youngest was born either. 

Kids, whether ND or NT will cause your life to change. You might not be able to do some things you take for granted now. But I'm also quite anxious and over cautious in general. Having kids should be something you really want, and you should be prepared for your life to change regardless of whether they are NT or ND. Never let someone else pressure you into having kids. If you do, you could come to resent your potential kids and no kid deserves to grow up feeling unwanted. Life is hard enough as it is., Tired sometimes, but overall a very happy husband and father. My kid is a double rainbow baby. Two heart wrenching miscarriages before him. We really wanted a child, and we were blessed with a child during probably the roughest part of our marriage. But I swear since he was in the womb he’s been trolling us, and I mean that in a sincere “haha” way and not a bitter way. Parenting isn’t easy. Parenting a rambunctious, inquisitive, autistic 3 year old is probably more so. When I see parents of younger toddlers just walking in a parking lot with their kid just following them and not holding hands I always let out a “must be nice”. 

I’m very fortunate though. My kid rarely if ever melts down. He’s getting better every day with communicating. He goes to school and daycare so my wife and I are able to work full time and he seems to be doing well in that environment. As he gets older things may change but right now I am happy. He is a great kid., Life has challenges by itself, it does not matter if you have kids or not. I had my son until I was 37, because I did not want to have kids, but my husband did, we are separated now and I am with my kid.  Life :)
I was not totally happy without my kid, do not think that kids would make you happy or unhappy.
What is really important is that you be surrounded of a good group of people, that are there for you.  Identify things that you enjoy before kids, so when you feel that you need a me time being a mom, you just have this list of things and ideas that would help you.
Every decision has a new joys and responsibilities, that we were not use to.  If you buy a car you now have to remember to take it to service for oil change, now you can get a flat tire, save money for the gas, you have to clean it, and you can drive farther and see new things., Hi. I don't think you should have a child unless you really want one, otherwise it's very likely you might end up resentful which would be disastrous for both you and your child.

Also there's so many variables with raising someone neurodiverse whether you're neurodiverse or not (My husband was neurodiverse, I have some characteristics but I'm sort of borderline but my father and two of my siblings are most likely neurodiverse). I have four children. My oldest is turning 21 and is autistic (I'm not sure how levels work, but she has a lot of anxiety, is verbal and in college, then i have 17 year old triplets, one who has ADHD and emotional challenges, two boys who are autistic, one is similar to his sister. The other is a lot less self aware, has ADHD.  He didn't start really talking until 4 or 5 but now talks all the time about his favorite subjects.

Some of the following you probably know from your own experience so apologies if i sound pedantic here.

1. How hands on will your boyfriend be?
2. **How much support will you have?** What I mean is state support, community support or family support? I live in a community that considers helping others to be a huge priority. Because of that I had a lot more support.  I don't have much family support as until recently I didn't have family living near me. I live in NYS which provides a lot of support. That makes a HUGE difference.
3. Since it's a spectrum (which you know of course0 **it's impossible to really know how much needs your child would have.** I have it easier because my autistic kids are relatively easy to manage.  Nobody's a runner. Two of them will most likely be able to be independent.
4. This is related to point 1. **Kids have way more services than adults do.** My sister in law lived in Ohio but moved back to NY because when her daughter turned 21 there didn't exist any programs for her. In her case her daughter has down syndrome, but it would be the same for an autistic adult,  a My niece has day programs, also goes away some weekends and has a multiple week summer program she goes to that otherwise my SIL is an empty nester (she's in her 60s) that makes a huge difference in her life.
5. **How was your childhood?** I grew up in a single parent household with 4 siblings (we were 5 all born within six years) for most of my childhood. That helped prepare me for having kids and also eventually for widowhood eight years ago. It doesn't mean life is easy, but my expectations were different than my mom having five children when she grew up with one sibling seven years younger than her with a perfectionist mother.

Okay so after all THAT I'll answer your question.

As a parent I've been overwhelmed in different ways. When my oldest was 18 months she had a seizure. That's not uncommon apparently with autistic kids but I didn't know this until this year when speaking to another parent. Do I regret having my children. Never. That said, I had factors that made it easier. 1. I had a lot of community support. We have an organization for families of special needs that has been amazing. 2. I live in one of the best states for raising autistic kids. That doesn't mean it's been easy. But it's been easier. 3. I had a husband who wasn't always present but very supportive. 4. My kids are verbal, and for the most part easier to parent. That said my oldest has a lot of anxiety about basic living which makes it hard for her to function. Thankfully she's getting therapy. And yet I didn't go on a trip by myself for 16 years. I finally went this summer on a family road trip with my mom, sister and her wife while one son was in camp, my child with emotional challenges was in respite and the other two were able to stay home.

Am I overall happy? Yes. My kids are great. I sometimes haven't been as great as I could be for them especially in the earlier years. I am on anti-anxiety medicine too and see a therapist. I also didn't have kids until i was 32 so I had my twenties to be independent which also helped, but is it hard. Have I gotten overwhelmed? yes and yes. And that's with community support and support from the state., I’m happy enough, I am not happy but I wasn’t happy before kid either. I was able to hyperfocus on my career in advertising and I was incredible at it. It’s my fault, I didn’t know much about mental health at all. Once I had my son and began worrying about him and then the diagnosis, everything became so clear about myself. I am totally burnt out now as my sons primary caretaker, 9 years of no more than 2-4 hours of sleep at a time leaves my cup completely empty. You know when I am happy- when I drop him off at school and have silence in the car. That’s the peak of the day., My son is 2.5 years old and non-verbal. I tear up all the time when I see 18 month old babies talking and communicating so easily with their parents. What an easy life that many people take for granted. They even joke with me “you would wish they would just shut up like yours!” 🙄

HOWEVER, my son has taught my husband and I so much about the true meaning of love. And our patience has been one that’s way higher than it ever was without our son. We also know how to deal with people that are similar to our son and it’s amazing to see.

Kids in general are HARD, autistic or not. In my opinion, it’s harder than marriage itself. But with the right partner, love, patience, and access to the right tools, it can be very rewarding 💕, Yes. I teach kids with autism. I have a monogamous realtionship but will never marry, and I love my life!, I will preface this by saying that my kid is level 2, but overall I am happy. I'm tired and sometimes overwhelmed, but it doesn't feel as if it's at a very different level to other working parents of neurotypical kids. I think every three year old is a little energy vampire. 

It has definitely gotten easier as he has gotten older. He is currently chilling and listening to his Toniebox, and I have been doing some light cleaning. We are going to the science museum in a bit. We did the zoo on Monday, and an Easter Egg hunt last weekend. He's on spring break, but normally he has school during the week. 

I don't know. I am sure there are some unique challenges we are experiencing, and his therapy schedule is intense, but ... It doesn't feel like it is very different to having a neurotypical kid, especially as he is becoming increasingly verbal and wanting more interaction with me.

Again, level 2 kid, so I am not saying my experience is universal., Having kids us hard weather they are NT or ND. But you just love them through the hard times and there will be PLENTY! my 6yo is autistic and I wouldn't change him for nothing. He's the best boy and has made my life better. I have a 1 yo and idk if she is autistic or not yet.  It's hard to tell for sure when they are little but she may have some common early signs.. which honestly.  Nothing could make me happier if she was. I'm just used to doing life like this and always loved helping special needs people even when I was a kid.. so I think I'm just made for this 💪, I’m happy, my toddler is awesome, I’ve got a great support system, and an effective game plan to meet her where she’s at for her life. Are there days that are hard, absolutely, but I’m happy. Now I discussed heavily with my husband that ASD runs in my family before having a child to ensure that we had talked about what the challenges would be and how to best support any child we may have. If you do have a child and you notice missing milestones, fight for a therapy referral. I started talking with my child’s doctor at 1.5 years that she’s showing symptoms of a delay. At two we got her into ot/st and while we’re still showing signs of a delay, the gap is lessening, and I’m very confident she will be an independent adult, without any need for paid long term support. Children can get speech and ot before ASD evaluations comes into play. But if you are concerned about not meeting the needs for an ASD child, adoption is just as valid an option., I'm very satisfied with my life. We went through a really hard time a couple of years back, but that was mostly unrelated to my kids. My soon to be ex-husband was emotionally abusive and manipulative and made my life very hard for a very long time. Life is so much better now. It does help that their dad has them half the time, so I have time to myself. 

My kids are my whole world, and I love them to bits and am so grateful and happy to be their mom. They have relatively low support needs, and we can go out into the world and do most normal stuff. My 5yo has a lot of anxiety, so going to new places is always challenging, but it's been getting easier. My only real complaint is that my 3yo sleeps terribly, and the sleep deprivation takes a toll. I'm hopeful that it will get better as he gets older. It's already gotten a lot better compared to 6 months ago., I’m not only AudHD, I have severe trauma -ptsd, depression, anxiety, hashimotos hypothyroidism, severe migraines, substance use disorder (have been clean 13 years) and other things. I had my son at 33. He is truly the best thing that ever happened to me and my life is so much fuller now and seeing his smile makes me happy. I can say it’s hard but being a parent can be hard at times. I can also say that I am truly happy. I appreciate my child and he is the light of my life. Everyone is different. 

I didn’t think I would have a child either🤍, I love being a parent and knowing that my children have someone they can rely on. 

As I kid I didn’t have that safety/comfort because my mom had 6 kids and was a widow. She worked 2-3 jobs and we hardly saw her, our older siblings were in charge of the youngest. Her time was very limited out of necessity. 

Now as a parent I try my best to be present as much as I can. My eldest has ASD but she’s made so much progress over the last year after starting school. She was nonverbal and would be aggressive and had constant meltdowns to the point of nosebleeds/vomiting. It was very difficult but thankfully my husband was very involved as well. Now she’s speaking, can initiate conversations, asks questions, describes her feelings or surroundings, remembers conversations from other days and is really helpful with her younger sibling. She also knows peoples emotions and is really caring. All of this I something I couldn’t say in March 2023. 

It’s tough but it’s worth it when she says “mommy! I’m so happy I can dance” and she starts dancing 🥰❤️ or “mommy I love you soooo much”, Im in a state of serene pleasure with moments of intense anxiety. Autistic homies can have it go you just cant shy from your problems., My SO is on the spectrum, diagnosed after our daughter was.  I fear for my daughter and the difficulties she faces/might face, but it never makes me love her less.  I have 1NT and 1ND and  let me tell you, you are going to face challenges with any child.  But I fear more for my ND child.

There are also times where I am not able to help her.  I am trying, she is trying, but we aren't connecting in a productive way and that is hard to face.  We are lucky in that the majority of her diagnosis is concentrated in emotional regulation and social development and the physical/mental development is not largely affected (though we have been through 2 years of intensive speech therapy and her speech is behind her ND peers).

We spend a lot of time making sure both kids feel like they have their needs met, often at the expense of my own needs.  I have to have a lot of grace for all of the emotions of everyone in my house while I have to be non-reactive (making me feel like I don't get to have feelings some days).  I get burnt out and most days my self care is just a cup of coffee and my anti anxiety medication.  All of that sounds bleak, but that's the dark side.

I feel very lucky that our daughter has had early interventions which have allowed her to progress greatly.  I feel very lucky that she is verbal.  I feel very lucky that she is pretty much the carbon copy of my husband- who has lead an isolated, but fulfilling life.  And I have hope for my child.  As part of the autism community, I know that we are insanely lucky and that on the more severe aspect of the spectrum, the hope is different, the fears are different, the stress and intensity is different.  I have nothing but compassion and empathy for those families, especially because at the best of times with very mild symptoms raising a child with ASD can be hard and draining.

But I would not change a thing about my daughter.  She has opened my eyes to be more understanding and loving of my husband.  He has been able to learn through her.  We have been able to give her the experience and loving childhood my husband should have had.  She's funny, sensitive, caring, intelligent.  Her presence makes my life better.  Both of my kids are the single most point of stress in my life.  They drive me to the brink and back again.  But I delight in them.  I love watching them.  I love teaching them.  I love exploring with them and seeing who they are becoming.  They are undeniably the best part of my life and if they were to go, life wouldn't be worth living.

I love most parts of my life.  We adjust a bit to make sure that while we do things most NT families do, we have set ourselves up for success. (Telling her exactly what is going to happen, what to do if she wants to leave, which parent is her ""buddy for the day"" and which parent will be in charge of her sister. Paying attention for her stims and listening to her words. Watching videos of what to expect and giving her space to have feelings and a calm down spot when she asks for a break.  And we accept her no.  No cajoling or trying to convince her if she says she'd rather not do something.  Its just, okay! let's not do that!)  We go on planes, to the zoo, to aquariums, out to dinner, to winter festivals and summer water parks.

I have a great relationship with my children who think I am both God and their servant, so basically- Mom.  I have a great relationship with my husband though we both get overwhelmed, burnt out, and stressed.

Motherhood is a complex experience, but its not for the fainthearted.  Its not for the unsure.  The only reason to ever have a child is because YOU really, truly **WANT THEM**.  Because it is absolutely a labor of love in which you will break yourself down and be rebuilt into someone that lives for someone else.  And that's fucking hard.  To be a secondary character in your own life.  If you don't want it enough, you'll develop resentment, and I cannot stress this enough- your child didn't ask to be here.  We owe them everything and them nothing because we chose them.

So, after this long ass post, my answer to you is don't have kids.  I see your BF wants them, but until you are SURE, until you can look at everything everyone has said and confront the reality and understand what you could be getting yourself into and can find the delight and joy, don't do it., So, happiness comes from within.  You have to love yourself to love others.  You create a helpless child, totally dependent on you.  You learn right along with them.  It creates a bond that if you can love, becomes a part of your core being.  But, you will also see everything that you don’t like about yourself in your children. And because they watch you and learn from you, they end up mimicking that. So what you were seeing is a reflection of what they see in you. Also, make peace with the fact that you are a reflection of your parents, and your children will remind you of your mother or your dad. That’s why loving and accepting yourself is key. If you are happy with yourself, you will see children happy within themselves. If you are frustrated with yourself, you will be frustrated with your children., I'm a mom of two.  The oldest is autistic, and I'm currently undergoing evaluation to see if I'm also on the spectrum, which we suspect I am.  

Not going to lie, kids can be hard. It can be exhausting. And venting about it is necessary sometimes.  But man alive, they are also amazing.  I've never experienced love the way I have with my two little people.  I could stare at them for hours and just watch in wonder and amazement. And sometimes I do! And sometimes I want to toss them out the window.  I feel like I get to experience life new again, seeing it through their eyes.  I am in love with the fact that I get to grow old with these people, and watch them turn into adults and have their own lives.  So definitely worth it to me.

In saying that,  it's not for everyone.  If you don't feel like you want kids, that's ok, and it's important to not go down that road if you don't want to. I have kid free friends with happy fulfilled lives who wouldn't change it for the world.  Only you can answer for yourself if it's the right choice for you.  There's no right/wrong answer other than how you feel.  Good luck., It's a weird one. It's really stressful and lonely sometimes, and I rarely get a break (lone parent). But if I could go back in time and change things, I wouldn't. I wouldn't be without my kids, and I do have joy in my life., I am a late diagnosed autistic woman with adhd and I have a 7 year old boy, recently diagnosed.  I love him to bits and he's the best thing I've ever done with my life.  I sometimes question if I made the right decision given the state of the World/UK/global outlook etc, and I often question my ability to parent, but I never question my love for him (I'm a perfectionist and there is a whole thing about being a 'good enough parent which is difficult for me to accept as I want 100%) and I love being his mum.  He is so funny and it's brilliant getting to know him as he grows up and develops his own personality and preferences.  He's so strong willed and confident in ways I could never be, and I'd like to think that at least in part that's down to me being the parent I wanted.  So, I'd say go for it.  Of course it is hard, being a parent is tough, and the lack of sleep can be crippling, but it's also rewarding and fulfilling in ways nothing else is.  I'd say for me pregnancy was the really hard part as you get told endlessly about risk and how many ways in which babies can die, so by the time my son arrived I was a mess and I couldn't sleep in case something happened in the night.... 🙈 being autistic through that process was tough, courses are designed for NTs.  But seeing him grow, and develop into a wonderful, kind, funny, silly, clever, fabulous human being is amazing.  I wouldn't change anything.  I also loved the closeness of baby carrying (using slings, amazing and that baby smell, yes!).... You often get horror stories, I think, as parents are mostly tired and in need of more sleep than they get and that makes them cranky. And it can mean sensory overload as an autie parent, too, but you can find ways to cope.  Sometimes I think being autistic has been my super power as a mum because I became so focused on being the best mum I could be.  Being responsible for another human being is huge, at least it is for me.... so you need to be able to deal with that.  Also, it's a lot easier if you have family or a good support network.  I didn't.... but still here and have eventually found one!  Good luck and go with your heart, I'd say (if we were entirely rational about it, I don't think any of us would have kids, as it doesn't make financial sense and is arguably detrimental to our personal health in many ways, but here we are?!!!  I think it's far more beneficial to us in many other less tangible ways). ♥️💐🖖🏻, I'm happy in my life, yes.

But that doesn't mean it isn't stressful.  I am not on the spectrum, so I don't know what life is like when you are on it.

If you are worried about being overstimulated, then having a baby, whether on the spectrum or not, is something you want to think real hard about.  I hear people on this site, saying because of autism they don't like to be around other people too much.  Well if you have a baby you are with them 24/7. 

If you really want to have a child, but really don't want a child on the spectrum you could look into adopting.  I don't know if that is the right answer, but it's a possibility. The reality is none of us are signing up for special needs kiddos intentionally (except those who choose to adopt them)., I take the “it could always be worse” mindset, Had to check to see if this was the autism page or the marriage page. LMAO but really, lots of variables can make or break parenthood. None of us are perfect, and neither are our kids, autistic or not. Don’t let anyone make that decision but you and your partner., Like Charlotte from Sex and the City said, I’m not happy all day, but I’m happy every day. I’ll say that we are super fortunate to be able to afford a lot of things/help, and our autistic baby is relatively easygoing., It's hard and stressful like you wouldn't believe but I still love my son. Of course I wish he wasn't ASD but honestly, my husband and I like to keep to ourselves and if we had an NT kid, I'd feel pressured to put him in sports and do playdates with strangers, which I'm glad no one really asks us to do. Like someone else said, we bought our village and have ABA most days of the week and even have ABA at school now. We also have family nearby and he's got cousins who are his same age who try to include him in things.

I didn't always think I wanted kids but I'm glad I have my son. I think if I hadn't, I'd always wonder what my kid would be like. My husband and I have a great relationship and if we didn't, I'd probably feel entirely differently. I can't imagine doing something like this alone. BTW, I take meds for depression and that also contributes to my more positive outlook. I remember what it was like without the meds and......it was a black hole like you couldn't believe., I want to say I’m happy but I’m not. Single mom by technicality right now, working full time and then coming home to chaos is really hard. I’ve been sick for a few days, and after my un potty trained boy was sick with Norovirus has pushed me to the brink. Today there was poop smearing when I got home after days of cleaning diarrhea and ruined blankets.  I just had a massive rage fit basically and I can’t tell anyone because I’m ashamed of the state of my anger, the pain I feel, and the hopelessness and then THE GUILT of getting so angry at someone who probably has no clue why I’m so upset because his social rules are completely different than mine. I feel so unloved by my son, even though I know he loves me. And I feel so guilty for getting angry at him over things he probably doesn’t get why I’m so destroyed over them. BUT like so many other people have said, I don’t regret having him. For me, I painfully regret my own inability to be better. Also I’m a teacher and these middle school kids are fucking killing me every single day. That doesn’t help at all. Don’t let anyone pressure you, but there is nothing like being a parent and the love you can feel. Good luck either way., It’s hard. And it’s taken awhile to see more good. You never stop loving your kid though. The reality is autism is expensive. Our daughter is in ABA, occupational therapy and speech. Will your child need these therapies? Who knows. I didn’t know but fortunately we have insurance. I didn’t know there are people who pick careers to help children with autism. So if you want a child then do it. There’s so much help out there and once you find your tribe you will be okay. All of these therapist are my village. We have no one else we don’t get breaks or date nights. But my daughter has changed so much from last year. We get to go out to dinner. We get to go to the fair and to the mall. We will be enrolling her in tennis soon and in August she will start preschool through the state. No one can write your story because that’s your story. No one can tell you how it’ll go. But as a mom I can tell you it’s a beautiful thing to raise a little one. Nothing is perfect with this life and the kids don’t ask for perfect., I am BPD AuADHD and my partner is ADHD and very likely NPD and we had the talk about what if he had ASD but the tricky part about that conversation, even if it’s well intentioned, you have no fucking idea how to prepare for that unless you’re preparing for the worst case scenario. so I thought because of my personal experiences I could guide him but his ASD is very different from mine, so I had very different expectations. Also I went undiagnosed most my life whereas we got my sons diagnosis before 2. My parents never had the responsibility of therapies/behavior coaching that I have had, it’s incomparable. Because my parents still don’t believe the importance of being neurodiverse affirming and accepting, my support system has been inconsistent and made the beginning of my motherhood journey fucking hell. I’ve learned these are the key things to being a successful parent 1) figuring out if you’re emotionally capable and resilient , go to therapy if not 2) do you have a support system in place to maintain self care for yourself , if not could you afford one? 3)can you afford and handle being a parent with ASD child if you split (High divorce rate) 4)do you have family that would look after your child after you expire ? would you be ok not knowing if your child has a good quality life (living independently and having a social life outside of parents)? 4) are you being honest with yourself about the reason why you want a child? You will absolutely have it thrown in your face that you made the choice to have a kid, could you live with that and make the most it?, To reiterate what some of the other people have said, it's ok to not want to be a parent. AND it's also ok to not want to be a parent, with your boyfriend. 

If he really wants kids and you don't, you need to have a sit down calm conversation about where your relationship is going. 

Most people will have been in relationships at some point and realised that they have different ideals or what life will be. It's ok, like most things in life, communication is massively important., It's very hard. One autistic child is difficult to manage, but I think if you have a supportive community that will help care for your child and take some of that burden, then I don't think it'll be just as stressful as solo parenting., I’m happy. I’ve got a good career, happy kid, supportive partner. Things aren’t always easy but early intervention really helped my kid and she’s much happier than she was when she couldn’t communicate. That makes me happier., For me the most helpful thing about this experience has been focusing on it like a puzzle--like several puzzles I'm working simultaneously a lot of the time, but really the idea is to figure out which strategies work, which things need to fit in place to be able to manage it (like, we all do better when I am more relaxed, so things that are relaxing for me get moved to the top of the list; we do better with more sleep and a consistent routine, so things that disrupt that get taken out as much as possible).  I think the frustration comes up for me most reliably when my expectations are so far away from reality--I can get really attached to an expectation or excitement or anticipation for something I'm looking forward to, and if it doesn't materialize like I imagined, it is incredibly discouraging and it's easy to plunge into my life is a misery and will always be a misery because this circumstance will always be with me.  So one thing that I have to figure out is how to ensure that there are things I will enjoy that are low risk of being screwed up.  I feel like it has made me a more emotionally mature person than I was before, like I think in the past I felt like I was in control of everything and because for the most part I was, I was entitled to feel frustrated by the things that weren't to my liking.  But now I am so much more aware of how out of my hands things are, and once I learned to make a little more peace with that (a work in progress lol) it relieved some of that frustration and made me feel like a nice life was actually really possible, and maybe even more important, that I would be enjoying that nice life as a more self-aware, compassionate person than I would have had the opportunity to be before.   I am, for context, a single mom with a level three ASD kid who is 8 and a NT kid who is 10, and we live far from family, including the kids' father.  BUT we have a great school that I never have to fight with, and I have a pretty low stress job with flexible hours where I make enough to outsource some things.   Some of that is luck and some of it is intentional--like I keep this job despite a lot of opportunities to advance and do something more interesting because that flexibility is part of my ""village"" that someone referenced earlier.  When I started to pay attention to all the things that make my life easier it really changed my attitude towards not having a partner or family nearby--like what would family actually do that I can't do in some other way?    Solving as many things as I can in creative ways is, for me anyway, part of the fun and growth of this life, as opposed to just checking the same boxes everyone else gets to check.   I am not sure I would have picked this life off a menu, but I think I would not have realized how much I was missing if I hadn't had the chance to live it., If you have reasons to believe your kid might be autistic and that is something that would lower your quality of life (you are already asking so it definitely in your mind), why not looking at adopting? Lots of kids out there are in need of love, I am very happy. My life is a whirlwind of chaos but the bond I share with my boy is something I wouldn't trade for the world!, Yes, we are very happy!!  Sometimes it’s very hard, but that’s true of life.  I have a great relationship with my spouse and kids.  I have 4: 19, 5 (ASD), 4 (speech delayed but otherwise neurotypical), 1.75 yo neurotypical., I often feel exhausted, burnt out, frustrated, etc… but I love my son more than I ever thought it was possible to love another human and I don’t regret having him at all. There are really hard moments and hard days sometimes, but we have just as many really fun and happy moments and days. We have adapted our lives to accommodate my son, and once I accepted that that was just our reality and not the social media fake perfection, it helped. My son definitely helps me notice and appreciate the little things more. And he’s helped me to enjoy childhood all over again through his eyes., My husband is neurodivergent, our oldest daughter is on the spectrum and her two little sisters are neurotypical. We are for the most part in love with our lives.

He struggles a little with the sensory overload of the chaos of our house (3 kids, 2 adults, and 2 dogs) but we have learned each others bat signals for when we’re going to lose it. A “hey do you wanna go take 5” is our love language.

All 3 of our daughters are fucking fantastic and they make our lives so crazy and so beautiful. He gets our eldest daughter on a really special level and has been instrumental in her ability to love and accept herself exactly as she is. 

All in all I’d say we’re the typical family just loving and living. Sure we have some unique challenges but it just makes it all the more fulfilling at the end of the day. We have a home, food, clothes, and each other. When all the kids are in bed and we can finally lay back we usually just say god damn, we have it all., I am married with 1 child. I would say that I am actually pretty happy in life. I think my life has improved since the times when I was single and childless. It's definitely changed but in a mostly good way. Having a child can at times be over stimulating but the pros do outweigh the cons. I wake up every day to my husband and son's smile. My son will usually put his face to mine and touch my face with just the biggest smile on his face. He laughs constantly and it's beautiful. We do a lot of things as a family too. It does take more time to plan things and get ready to go out but you get better at it with time., To procreate is divine. Autistic kids are difficult to handle, but I honestly can't imagine my life without my son. I think about everything I did before my kid and it all seems so boring and empty. You truly won't get it until you have a kid, autistic or not. Keep in mind too that most of the people posting here are also autistic, so there is a high chance that if your kid is autistic, they will still grow into a somewhat functioning adult, Parenting is a big responsibility. If you are independent yourself and feel like you can raise a kid, then why not?? I am a NT parent of an autistic kid 5yrs. His diagnosis was a shock for us, but we have accepted it now and are as happy as anyone can be. Raising a child is a beautiful experience, no matter how he turns out., I’m super happy. My toddler is ASD 3. He’s in therapy, he’s learning. We’ve gotten to a real good spot where we know what helps and what doesn’t. Yeah we have some bad days but I cannot imagine my life without him! He’s got 1 younger sister and he loves her! I want one more even though I know I could have another ASD child., I could not imagine my life without my ND kid. I love that he’s my firstborn and I would literally not have it any other way. It feels like my kid was always meant to be ND and all his “quirks” make me feel even more like I’m meant to be his mom. Sorry 🤷‍♀️, Now, I will preface this with the fact that my son is currently 3, and does not have a formal diagnosis at this time. He has a functional speech delay, and some other behaviours that point toward ASD, but others that don't at all, and our pediatrician has taken the ""wait it out"" approach for the time being, but I am pretty confident he will end up with a diagnosis of some sort, if not ASD, some sort of processing disorder would be my guess. Either way. YES. Parenting my child comes with some enormous challenges, but my goodness, does he ever bring so much joy and light into my life. We are able to do SOME things families with exclusively neurotypical children do, and other things we avoid, and there are some things where we find a compromise that works for our family. We do things a little differently than what might look typical to most families, but what we are doing is working for us. We have more appointments than most families with a 3 year old (speech, and OT right now), but we are fortunate to have access to therapies to support my son's development. He makes me laugh every day. He makes me feel loved and needed every day. He teaches me something new every day. He amazes and surprises me every day. There is no shortage of happiness in my life; even though this isn't the EASIEST path, it is certainly not a path lacking love and joy., It’s hard. But I wouldn’t trade my son for anything., Yes I am happy- I have times where I feel disappointed for my guy- I hate that his life will be more challenging simply because he was born- but he is so happy and cuddly and is such a light.  He makes me smile all day long- he is the best thing thats ever happened to me.  , Yes. Life is not perfect but I love my beautiful high support needs ASD son and despite our challenges he makes my life better with him in it. For the bad times outside of that I remember that this life is temporary and I pray to God that there is a place in the house of Jesus Christ for me and my family. Thank you God for my boy, I’m really happy! 2 NT teens and one ND toddler. I’m also most likely autistic but undiagnosed. I’m a single parent, gave up work when the little was born as they have other medical needs. So a lot changed, but not necessarily for the worst. Are there hard times? Yes. Are there days I think I can’t handle much more? Yes. But that was the case with my older, typical kids too. That’s ALL parenting IMO. My little is the chillest, most loving child ever. We have a bond of steel, nobody comes close and we have a happy life just chilling out! We can’t do breakfast with Santa, or swimming lessons, or the Easter bunny. But I’ve let go of that because that’s not what my child wants. We do what they love instead (mainly walks, the beach, driving, tickle, chase etc, iPad). They’re also great on holiday, we go away a lot and that’s a big plus for us. 

I can hand on heart say that I’m happy. I wish my child didn’t have potentially rough times ahead in life, but there’s nothing to say they won’t thrive and be truly happy too. We had a ROUGH time when they were born and I’ve watched them nearly die, go through brain surgery , facial surgeries etc so nothing seems hard in comparison anymore. I think my default is extreme gratitude my baby is ok, so that may play a part in my answer. I also think the nature of these forums is that people reach out when they’re struggling so it can seem like having an ND child is all doom and gloom. And I’m not taking that away from anyone who struggles, my heart goes out to them. But remember it’s not a given that it’ll be that way :), You might not want to do all the fun things everyone else does. You'll want to do your own version of fun. 

As an autistic parent you'll be able to understand and advocate for your children, both ND and NT, in ways others can't., I’m very happy, is having a child hard sometimes? Definitely but the pros far outweigh the cons. My child is funny, happy, energetic, creative, gentle little guy. I love his personality, I love his way of doing things, I love the ways he shows his love! The first couple years were the hardest for me (not because of him) but the drastic change to my life and how I liked things done was very hard for me. I settled into the new routine eventually and I’m so happy now. I love my family and I love my child!, Imo happiness is a fleeting emotion like sadness or anger or whatever else. It comes and goes. It's a mood. I do have plenty of happiness in my life, along with frustration and exhaustion and sadness, just like anybody else. Each one has a time and a place. I think the more important, more constant feeling is fulfillment (or lack thereof). Happy or sad or angry, I'm still always fulfilled by my life and my family. I'm glad my 3 kids exist. I feel lucky to be their mom. I love that they're each a little walking/talking (or babbling lol) embodiment of my and my husband's love for each other. 

Sounds cheesy, I know. I don't really say this stuff to anyone, but since you asked I figured I'd give the whole answer haha! 

But also, if you don't want kids, you don't have to have them. What is fulfilling for one person is hell for another. Can parents of autistic children be happy, fulfilled? Yes absolutely. Whether that'll be the case for you is really only up to you though. 💜, Yes, we’re happy! My 4 year old ASD daughter is so much fun! She loves to hike, work in the yard, she’s curious, she loves to snuggle. She doesn’t talk often, but when she does she is hilarious! Yes, our daily life looks different- we have to make sure she’s getting adequate sensory input to stay regulated- but we have fun.  For me, the main sources of stress are having to fight to get her into services (already having to plan out summer months and next school year), I wish she’d have more interest in her little sister, it’s frustrating seeing her do something once and then refusing to do it again, and, the biggest one, not knowing what she will be capable of as an adult., I’ve experienced grief and hardship in my parenting journey but my life is infinitely better with my daughter in it. She’s a goofy ball of energy who makes people smile everywhere we go. Shes affectionate, happy, and curious and I learn from her every day. I think happiness is complicated. I wasn’t happier before I had my child. I’m not sure I can say I’m happy now either but I experience plenty of joy and much of it is because of her., My 3yo (ASD) and 1yo (NT) daughters are the light of my life. Autism is not easy but it comes in so many different forms and waves, so some days are not so great and others are the best days we’ve ever had as a family. My daughter on the spectrum is quiet (when she isn’t singing haha) and sweet and introverted. She loves singing and drawing. She is truly a gift in that she is easygoing and agreeable most of the time. There is a lot of work and effort involved on our part as parents because we want to and do work toward providing her as much support and services as possible so that she can learn to communicate more and thrive in her new preschool program. Raising her and being tuned in to her needs was all we knew until her sister came along. My younger daughter is an energetic extrovert. I often consider parenting her to be on easy mode because she sleeps like a rock and I am far more familiar with teaching someone socially motivated who learns by copying/mimicking. That said, she is much more vocal, opinionated, and likely to get into “trouble” - ie getting into things she shouldn’t and testing boundaries. In this respect, she is not as easy to parent as my firstborn. Each has their quirks and strengths and weaknesses. Both fulfill my husband and me in their own way.

Being a parent is the best thing I’ve ever done. I find so much joy in our girls and who they are becoming and I absolutely wouldn’t change a thing. I wanted kids my whole life. I grew up with an ASD sibling, it initially made me apprehensive about having a child with ASD, but this is due to my own shortcomings rather than any potential heartache or distress brought on by having children. Every child, neurotypical or divergent, is different, and everyone will have a different experience. Whether you roll the dice or not, I wish you confidence and peace in whichever choice you make., I’d say you can be burnt out and depressed even without an autistic child! I have 4 children, 3 who are autistic! Life can be crazy and there’s days I can’t catch my breath but I don’t know who I’d be without my kids!, I love my kids. I love seeing them excited to jump in bouncy houses, ride rollercoasters, swim, line things up in the sand at the beach. I love coming home to their laughter, their excitement. Sometimes it’s difficult, and I vent. Even parents of NT kids struggle, parenting can be difficult. If you want a kid, prepare for it, plan what you want to do with this child. Give them the love and childhood you want to give them., Not gonna lie, my life sucks, I’m not happy and I struggle to get through the day.

With that being said, I have no doubt at all that all my current struggles would be worth it if in two decades my son is doing what you are doing right now.

Since you asked for it, my advice for you is to have children with your boyfriend., This is a good point! None of us can tell you if *you* will be happy with kids, be they autistic or not, I 10000% agree. I am content and fulfilled because I always wanted to be a mom and had my kid when I felt like I had done all the things I wanted to do in my 20s (studied, traveled, etc). I also knew going in that being a parent was going to involve sacrifice and I felt ready. If I had had my kid any sooner, it would’ve been a tougher adjustment. I’m personally very happy with my kid. I don’t compare him to neurotypical kids. I also celebrate what makes him unique, and I think he’s so cool and sweet and fun and interesting. He’s also so smart and a motivated learner, and it’s been fun learning about his special interests. But my life involves zero time to myself, lots of work on regulating my emotions, high stress when my kiddo is having a tough day, lots of worrying about the future. My husband is an exemplary dad and partner, and even with all these wonderful things, there’s still a high level of being needed, lots of stress to manage, appointments to juggle. All of that to say it’s okay not to want kids, it’s okay to want to wait a good while until you’re sure you’re ready, and it’s important to take the time to be sure that you and your partner can work together and are on the same page about kids., I didn't want kids & am Bipolar; knew I shouldnt.  In a Manic Moment, a coworker came to work on Endorphin High after his wife gave birth & said it was Best Feeling in World.  I got PG that night, first time ever w/o birth control, at 34.  Dr called me Test Positive @ work.  I loaded copy machine cartridge backwards & it trumpeted like an Elephant.  That F\*\*\*\* A\*\*\*\*\* coworker never even congratulated me on PG.  I often wondered how his kids turned out.  My son is Estranged from me, Aspergers, and today is my 70th birthday.  I regret having them.  My life went downhill.  More trauma than happy memories.  Sorry to be honest but this is anonymous.  My mother should not have had me & I should not have had children.  My half-sister's one child turned out real well but we're estranged., 100% agree with this. It's something you and your boyfriend need to have a serious conversation about. Sounds like you're completely opposite in your desire for a child. And that's completely ok, he's either going to see your point of view or you go your separate ways. If you decide to stay together, it's a possibility that down the road you find that desire to be a parent, but you can't let him dictate that. 

To answer your question, my wife and I are overall very happy. There's the money struggles with having a neuro-divergent child with expensive therapies, but aside from that and the occasional burnout, it's pretty smooth most of the time. The most frustrating part is that our non-verbal three year old daughter can't easily tell us what she wants, needs or if she's hurt but we're working on that every day and I'm confident we'll get there. One thing we decided when she was around 2 1/2 is that she will be our only biological child so that we can focus solely on her needs as long as we have to, and if we decide down the road that we have a desire to expand our family, we will adopt an older child., or coerce/baby trap you, *Statistics in study after study show that the happiest people are single childless women.*

Why are they also the women most prone to alcoholism and suicide?, Can you give any advice on building your village?, I’m so sorry it’s been so hard.  That’s especially tough when there are limited resources, both financial and emotional.  You are a good parent, doing what you can and putting your kid first.  Society doesn’t make it any easier. Are there other services available in your area, to support low income parents, for example?, I’m incredibly sorry for your experience, could she qualify for TERFA or low income Medicaid? That could help with the gap in healthcare coverage. Also with Medicaid, if she’s having feeding difficulties, a doctor could prescribe her nutritional shakes, and hopefully that could free up some income for your needs as well., Very similar situation here. 

There are definitely times that I find myself wishing things were easier. But how do I know that having an NT kid would solve all of my problems? right now things are easier with the little one, but that could change in the future.

The bottom line is that it’s hard to have kids. Whether or not they are autistic, or born with some rare illness, or completely healthy and NT, it is just hard., Yeah I'm also very happy with my autistic and intellectually disabled daughter, she is a delight.  I know I'm lucky she doesn't have many behavioural issues that are really hard to deal with that I see a lot of parents vent about here.

I really feel for those parents.  The ones who aren't getting any sleep, who get hit by their child and deal with constant screaming.  I feel bad for the poor kid too who is obviously struggling to live in a world that can be physically painful for them if they have sensory issues etc.

But my daughter is happy, and that's all I ask for. 

I wrote a post about my daughter here:

https://www.reddit.com/r/Parenting/s/ghYOcewxqr, I love this. I feel the same way. I said to my partner if I had to re-live the same decade of my life over and over it would be the birth to 10 years of my kids. No question., I didn’t consider autism was something that would happen. I thought it happens when you gave a baby in your 40s not 27. I was an idiot. If I’d have known then what I know now I wouldn’t have had any even my probably NT one. It’s not worth it. It’s not a life I wanted to give my child. He has no future, nothing to look forward to. There’s no point to my life either., This.

I see a lot of ""very happy"" and ""wouldn't change a single thing"" replies so far, but the fact you guys are here already says a lot., I actually relate to this a lot.  Maybe not every detail, but mourning what could have been - missing my life before having a child - those are all huge for me these days.  My son is 2.5 years old and we're just now starting on this path together, maybe I'll feel different down the road.  But it's hard right now., I agree, I mourn my old life, freedom to do as I pleased, no worries and the future to look forward to, getting up when I want to, having a job and money, not having to attend meetings at school and having to jump through hoops given to me by people I have little respect for, being threatened that my kid isn't welcome at the school unless he shapes up. The list is endless. Sometimes my life feels so joyless. I think staying childless would've be far better. I didn't suffer any miscarriages nd I'm sorry for what you've been through. My son was born extremely premature and that's when my life went pear shaped., This. 

I have two autistic children and one NT. Oldest is NT and the middle child- we didn’t even know it was autism until I was already pregnant with the 3rd. Had I known that it was autism and that it’s very likely future children could have it, I would absolutely 100% not have had a 3rd child or even the 2nd one knowing it is likely genetic. The third child is severe and I am a caregiver for him. I have no life. 

Op, I didn’t want a 3rd kid. I told my spouse after the second child that I couldn’t handle another child like her and that I would end up in a looney bin if we had another like her. He just kept saying it’s not going to happen over and over and I gave in. Well guess what? Now I’m a caregiver and the third child is 10x worse. Are you prepared to become a caregiver or listening to possible screaming all day long, not being able to go anywhere, spending all your days driving your kid to back to back therapies? What if you and your man split? Are you prepared to be taking care of a child like that alone? It’s a lot of things to consider and I WISH someone would have given me the harsh reality heads up like you are getting on here. Do I love my kids? Absolutely. They are my kids, I created them. But I’m not going to sit here and lie and say oh it’s so great just take the chance. 

The thing I feel most guilty about is my NT child missing out on so many life experiences bc we have had to leave or avoid things due to the autistic children and their needs. I try so hard to do special things for my oldest when I can and she is so understanding but I feel like such a shitty parent or like I’ve almost ruined her growing up experience 😞

My spouse always said, if we have another I’ll help, I’ll promise I’ll help. He doesn’t help. It’s all on me all the time. He works and brings in the money so that’s all he thinks he needs to contribute. He goes out with friends and does his thing and I’m stuck home with the kids. There are many mommas like me. I don’t want you to be one of them if you don’t need to be. Really take time and think about what YOU want., r/regretfulparents is a good place for support and venting without judgement., Also it stopped being ""cute"" once they hit puberty and being stronger than their parents., This experience varies widely depending where on the spectrum your kid is. My sons 5 not conversational has tons of energy and impulse issues and we do things like social skills group that leave my scratching my head why some of the kids there are in therapy. 
All kids have challenges, some autistic kids are more challenging than others., To answer the rest of your question - we had a second child right when we realized son might be autistic and we started receiving services. I do carry some guilt that his baby sister sometimes has to play second fiddle bc of his needs. I try my hardest to schedule his therapies around when they won’t impact her schedule, but know this will get harder as she gets older and has her own commitments. 

My husband and I are still obsessed w eachother! We’re both tired and done some days, but o think that would happen w any toddler and baby to care for. 

Yesterday my son had a huge freak out at the library and it ended w us both crying on the way home. But that’s an exception, not the rule. 95% of the time we do all the things we want to do and he can hang and enjoys it. And if he can’t, that’s okay and we go with the flow., We've had night terrors, days where one is sreaming the whole day, days I sat and cried with my kids because I can't and they can't.. it's not all roses. I'm still glad I chose it., 💯!, Hey thanks for that brushing hair countdown tip! Why didn’t I ever think of that! Lol! My ASD 9yr old girl HATES having her hair brushed due to sensory but she LOVES timers and countdowns! This is going to be a huge game changer., And of course only if YOU want to and YOU would be happy if you did. My babies mean a lot to me and make me really happy despite the challenges I face. I would do anything for them and I’m happy I get to see their little faces everyday, Same- I always wanted one but it didn’t happen and I gave up that dream. Then it happened!, Lmao . Funny how you easily take accountability for having a child when you shouldn’t have but don’t seem to take accountability for addressing your mental health while being a parent. BP requires consistency of self care and routine just like ASD, and as someone with a similar situation it’s irritating hearing your excuses., I would love to see the actual statistics to back up your statement., Sorry, but I don't believe that at all. They will need a much larger sample size to convince me women are happiest when they go against their instinctive maternal nature.  

I know many older women who have regrets choosing their career over a family., Right. Shit gets to be a lot some days but at the end of the day I just wanna hold him when he’s asleep and stare at him. Genuinely love him more than life. He’s a lot. But he’s mine., This rings so true!! Well stated. I wish I could get my point across as eloquently., My tiny is 4yrs old and even with the chaos at times, I could stay here forever. We sit together and put marble run mazes all over the living room. We both love setting them up. And legos. And drawing. And bike rides. She’s my little bestie. 
To answer OP, nothing is ever the same, but not in a bad way., Hi,
Yeah autism is often said to be the result of having “older parents”, which I am, but I’ve heard of plenty of twenty somethings who have children on the spectrum, so more likely it runs in families.

I am learning how to get better at my own stress management, but it will take work.

Do you get any help at all? You both have futures, I know it’s hard to think, but you can help your child and yourself. :), Relatable. I often feel like I’m not cut out for this., wanting support and community doesn’t mean that you’re unhappy. It’s fine for the group to have room for both!, LOL I see some sour grapes here. I can be very happy and also sometimes want to ask a question to people who have hit the same issue before., Does it? Getting and giving advice about unique kids means we are miserable?, How does finding a relatable and helpful community = unhappy?? It’s like joining a planting club. You can be friends and socialize at the club meetings AND provide insight on why my plant isn’t growing. Maybe it needs shade when I’ve only been giving it sunlight., It's a parenting advice sub Reddit. If you are on a gardening subreddit it's not just because you woke up to day of the triffids., I just think it's feeling like you have to say the ""right thing"". Even here.

I also think plenty of people use ""happy"" instead of ""content"", which I could buy., I'm trying to stay positive since 2-5 are some of the hardest years but it's not a guarantee my son will make progress - which is something I have to emotionally prepare for, Here's a sneak peek of /r/regretfulparents using the [top posts](https://np.reddit.com/r/regretfulparents/top/?sort=top&t=year) of the year!

\#1: [The painful realisation that I could be living my childfree friend's life if I didn't give in to marriage and kids. I miss my freedom so much.](https://np.reddit.com/r/regretfulparents/comments/149u6l0/the_painful_realisation_that_i_could_be_living_my/)  
\#2: [I FINALLY exploded on my mother for her constantly badgering me to have a baby.](https://np.reddit.com/r/regretfulparents/comments/14kjsnw/i_finally_exploded_on_my_mother_for_her/)  
\#3: [This type of mental gymnastics can be so so harmful. Did you ever had to deal with a person like that in real life?](https://i.redd.it/z63r4j2jgndb1.jpg) | [113 comments](https://np.reddit.com/r/regretfulparents/comments/1575vs9/this_type_of_mental_gymnastics_can_be_so_so/)

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^^I'm ^^a ^^bot, ^^beep ^^boop ^^| ^^Downvote ^^to ^^remove ^^| ^^[Contact](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=sneakpeekbot) ^^| ^^[Info](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/) ^^| ^^[Opt-out](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/comments/o8wk1r/blacklist_ix/) ^^| ^^[GitHub](https://github.com/ghnr/sneakpeekbot), I hope it works!, It’s funny how sometimes life works out that way. I met my husband when I wasn’t looking for a relationship and here we are! So glad your dream came true :), Sure, hereya go!

[https://www.bu.edu/sph/news/articles/2023/women-without-children-at-age-35-are-at-highest-risk-of-binge-drinking-alcohol-use-disorder/](https://www.bu.edu/sph/news/articles/2023/women-without-children-at-age-35-are-at-highest-risk-of-binge-drinking-alcohol-use-disorder/)

**""Women who turned 35 in recent years, as well as women who have not had children by age 35, are the subgroups of women at highest risk of binge drinking and having alcohol use disorder (AUD) symptoms.""**

[https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamapsychiatry/article-abstract/496069](https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamapsychiatry/article-abstract/496069)

***""Women who had never married exhibited higher relative risks for suicide than married parous and married nonparous women for all age groups younger than 65 years at the start of follow-up.""***

***""Among the married, the parous women had lower relative risks than nonparous women for all ages.""***, I get quite a bit of help actually but unless something will make it go away then honestly it just feels like all our lives are over. Nothing can make it better., If not then this happy parent will bounce, LOL, Have I ever been happy? No. Does my daughter make me more happy? Yes., I appreciate you providing the proof for your statements, but if you read the whole papers that these come from, there is much more nuance than your statement suggests. 

This still doesn't mean that you should allow anyone to push you into having kids., Maybe the ones who make it to 65 are happiest?  I imagine societal pressure is strongest at younger ages, and less and less people give a shit as they get older., I’m sure the happiest single people are between the ages of 18-25, Valid, I am. I mean, it’s hard. Not gonna lie. But my thought is that life is usually hard in one way or another and though I’m not autistic I am totally blind so I’m no stranger to finding my own way through the rough timres., I’m so unhealthily stressed it’s insane. I love my son but this life isn’t for the faint of heart., The one thing no one has said, but I think is more important than anything else; if you don't want kids, please, please, please don't let anyone talk you into, bully, or shame you into having kids. 

There is absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting kids or deciding it's just not what you want for your life no matter what the reason is. 

Statistics in study after study show that the happiest people are single childless women., I’m happy, but more stressed than I would be if my son wasn’t autistic. I have 2 kids 5 and 7. 

My 5 year old is verbal but not conversational. It’s been a long road of getting kicked out of daycare, scrambling for childcare during school vacations, getting calls from teachers. That stuff is all what gets me stressed more than my actual kid. The rat race of it all. Never ending therapies and appointments. Everything is just harder like doctor appointments. People constantly trying to figure him out when in public. 

My 7 year old is typical. We live a pretty “normal” life. My older son plays lots of sports. My ASD one is easy going places. We do the movies, trampoline park, went to Disney. He goes to his brothers games. We go to the beach and pool, go on vacation, stay in hotels, fly on planes. No issues. Everything is pretty typical except the language delay. I think if that could catch up life would get a lot easier. I work from home which helps but I can’t have calls when my sons home. Even though he’s almost 6 I can’t tell him to be quiet while moms on the phone he doesn’t understand. 

My son isn’t interested in peers but that part doesn’t bother me. My older one is extremely social so we get that experience. Me and my husband are introverted so are more in line with my ASD son than the older one. 

I’m constantly burned out but not just because autism. I work full time and my husband has a crazy work schedule, we don’t have much family help, 2 kids therapy and sports  schedules, I’m in the middle of taking the cpa exam. Life’s just always crazy, but I know that my kids are my purpose and do it all for them 


I wouldn’t change it for a thing though, I love my guy., Autistic solo parent as well. If I didn’t have the resources to hire help I’d likely be depressed. I bought my village and it’s worth every damn penny., I have moments of pure joy. One of them was today. My son and I spent two hours playing at the ocean and on the forest trails. That was a happy time. During that time I was not burnt out or overstimulated. These moments don’t happen everyday but when they do, they have a way of balancing the rest., I might be a much needed person on the other side of the grass, but I'm incredibly unhappy. I have depression and due to my job, insurance isn't readily consistent, so I can't get therapy or medication, so I'm boarding alcoholic so I don't kms. I'm also autistic and the loud  noises my daughter makes triggers me, I don't like that it's hard for me to stim around her, she's too needy and requires attention that's hard for me because I often disassociate. She's low functioning.  She affects my sleeping and eating routines to cater to her. I have limited income, and we have differing pallets. So almost all my food money goes to her food, often leaving me for days without eating regularly. 

 My daughter is lovely, but society is not. The stress of what will happen to my daughter if I die. The stress of constant therapy, not being able to participate normally in activities like Christmas, halloween, and Easter due to my daughter sensory issues and tantrums. Not being able to talk to her. She can't  tell me she loves me or gives me affirmation. She cant tell me im doing a good job.  Constantly feeling like a failure as a parent.

I'm straight up miserable. I wouldn't wish my life on anyone. I lowkey gave up on my life, but I try to give my daughter everything I can. She's lowkey spoiled because I know life will be hard for her. And if I knew it would be this hard, I would've never had her. My life was 100% easier without a kid (asd or not). I find being autistic makes parenting a bit harder. I dont like how people will treat her in public when she stims or needs extra support. It stresses me out. Not for me but for her. I love her so fkn much im ashamed I brought her here. I wish our society was kinder to disabled people and kinder to parents., Yes I m very happy! My husband and I make lots of time after our kids go to bed for sex and emotional connection/conversation/quality time so we have a good relationship. I’m the primary caretaker of our 5yo (ASD) and 1yo (typical appearing). We have been extremely luckily that our son is a happy little boy. He’s nonverbal but for the most part he’s really chill. We follow his routine and he’s happy as can be. Lots of hugs, eye contact, face smushing, snuggling. He communicates as best he can and I can usually understand and my husband can usually figure it out 60-70% of the time. We do some “typical” family things like go to all inclusive night at our local museum, family photos, go trick or treating, go to the park. He tends to stress out if it’s too out of the ordinary like someone’s house or a restaurant so we don’t do that but we also have a literal baby lol. We live happily in our bubble. We love our kids. And more importantly we like them and their personalities.

Edited to add: I often get overstimulated but that’s where we communicate hey I need to tap out., Autistic single parent with level 2-3 autistic toddler. Like any aspect of life, there are ups and downs, but I can’t imagine my life without this kid. There are struggles but my overall quality of life and life enjoyment increased exponentially. It is the adventure of a lifetime 🌈❣️, No, I’m not happy. It’s been hell. I love my kids, but if I could make my older son be low support needs/verbal autistic or even NT, I would do it in a second.

But all I can do is my best and try to build superhuman patience., I am but my kid is 9 now and it has gotten a lot easier within the past year., Nope., Yes, very happy. People post when they have stuff to complain about. I spent all day on Sunday with my little dude. We spent a ton of the lay laughing and just joking around in our own distinctive way. It was a great day and nothing out of the ordinary. I didn't post about it because...well, why would I?, Honestly, I feel bipolar with how up and down everything is. A lot of times I'll say ""I hate my life"" but it's really a shorthand for ""I hate that this is currently my life"". I mourn the life I used to have, and sometimes I regret insisting to my husband that we should try for kid(s). I think about the life I could have had were it not for my miscarriages - would I still have had an autistic child? I don't know, and I probably need professional help to work through my losses (regarding the miscarriages, the life I could have had, the ""normal"" life my autistic child could have had, etc.). 

I'm still able to find joy in smaller moments and try to look forward to things in the future - just trying to survive this season of life., Had I seen this question a few days ago or maybe even a few days from now and I would have given you a different response, but no. Absolutely not.

I really wish I wasn't his mother. I love him so much but I wish he wasn't mine. Someone else could probably be a much better parent than me. It is just a feeling of constant failure no matter how hard I try it's never enough. I know it's not fair to him but I'm starting to resent him. And I hate myself for it. I hate that the only way he pays me any attention is if I bark at him like a drill Sargent. I hate doing it but if I don't then he is just 100% feral. We can't go to the park. He has no sense of danger and it hurts so much seeing kids so much younger than him just miles and miles ahead of him. I don't feel like a parent, I feel like a keeper.


Edit about 24 hours later:

I debated about deleting this comment due to the pure shame I feel about having written it. I'm going to leave it up because I want others who might feel like I did yesterday to read this part too:

I was able to get a good night sleep, and so was he. His behavior isn't really that much different than when I wrote the comment,but my tolerance threshold is much higher now that I've had some time to sleep. I was overjoyed earlier today because he finally wore his ear defenders outside and he was able to play while the neighbor mowed his yard. He bamboozled me today by putting on his boots and picking up his tablet and a blanket. I picked up the keys thinking he was asking for a car ride but he ended up taking me outside because he wanted to nap on the neighbors trampoline snugged up with me. I melted. 


I still feel awful and ashamed for saying I didn't want to be his mother anymore, but even when I had that on my mind the fact that I love him more than anything never changes., No. And I realize that others here have it worse but I fantasize about not having to deal with the constant daily challenges. I feel trapped because I don’t believe I could ever leave. She’s 8 now. And I’m not sure if or when or how she’ll be able to be an adult and able to live on her own. She’s been kicked out of 3 schools, has lost me multiple childhood friends, lost my friendship with my best man in my wedding, created rifts with close family. There’s no babysitter we can find who lasts so my wife and I rarely get a night to ourselves. She sleeps like an adult and I have to drag her out of bed every morning just so that she goes to sleep before 11pm. If I don’t let her do what she wants she screams, calls me the worst names, says she hates me. And I’m paying $1k a month for her therapy.

I wish someone would’ve told me there was a possibility that this could be my life. I thought that because I worked hard in school, got a good education, great career, high income, work from home, that I could be happy. And yet this is my life., We have a 18 YO NT Daughter at College, 16 YO NTish Son at Junior College & a ASD 3 almost 3 year old who is pre-verbal (knows 12 words now).

I would define our life as very “Complex” our normal looks very different then most people but we are happy. Tons of therapy and as an example we just had our first movie out in 3 years while LO was in ABA.

But he is so very Awesome. Like anything in life the world is ultimately what you make of it. Personal clarity is really the root of happiness., Honestly speaking, having an autistic kid is very hard on  the parents. After my daughter was diagnosed, my life turned upside down. I couldn't go back to work because she is severe. Someone has to take care of her or look after her. She is 5 years old. My husband works full time, and he has financial responsibilities, so he can not help me out all the time. So, now, I am stuck with her, and I don't have a choice. No babysitter or daycare wants to deal with her because she is extremely aggressive at times. My life sucks!!! I cannot work, I cannot go out when she is home (unless my husband is watching her) I cannot have time to myself because she is clingy and wants attention or food all the time. I have become a prisoner in my own home!!! 
She is completely non-verbal and has extreme sensory issues. Respite care is only 20 hours per month in the state I am in. Most respite care providers lack staff to even give you a break. Honestly, I hate my life, I regret everything. I regret getting married. I regret having my daughter. If I could go back in time and change it, I would. I am just so burned out and so fed up that at times, I don't want to deal with it at all, but I don't have a choice. I miss my old life..so, think before you make that decision...life is not going to be easy if you have an autistic child., If you’re having questions like this without kids don’t have them. Simple blunt and to the point., I love my son - not any more or less because his autism. I love him because he's him. His Autism is a DISABILITY  but does not define who he is as a person.

I absolutely hate his Autism. My son is level 3, pre-verbal but in actuality still predominantly non-verbal. Autism is parenting on EXTREMELY HARD mode. Some people will sugar coat the shit out of it but trust, it's not for the faint of heart. Don't let tik tok, Pinterest, Facebook and this other social media fool you. Autism isn't a cute quirk, or a different type of brain wiring. It's a disability that requires, for some families, an insane amount of resources and time. 

If you know you may possibly be autistic, have autism in either of your families then think long and hard about having biological children. It's ""cute"" when it's a 2 minute tik tok or a gushy validation seeking Facebook or even reddit post but when you're looking in the face of a person you love most in the world, who you chose to bring in this world and KNOW they will struggle more than a person who is not disabled it's not so cute. It's not so quirky. It's not AUSOME 🙄. It's more often than not heartbreaking.

Not coming for you, just giving you a perspective from a mother who loves her son more than her next breath but  if I would have known my son would be disabled I would have never ever offered him up to this world. He deserves so much better than what life has in store for him.

Much love., Omg I love my life and my son with autism is one of (if not THE) best part of it. I think jt comes from a partial place of privilege bc we’re dealing w mostly not huge “challenges” rn speech delay and lack of interest in peers. He’s 3 and I know things will be harder as he grows and little kid problems grow into big kid problems. But my day to day life is made better everyday from my son. Nothing makes me happier than seeing him happy and helping to contribute to whatever he’s super interested at the moment (rn it’s letters/the alphabet). Even today I can easily say the highlight was a new alphabet book I got him arriving and him screaming w happiness and kissing the book saying “so happy” after he finished looking through it each time., Wouldnt say happy. But i wouldnt say its because of my daughter either. I just had a child too young and the lack of resources and financing (i make a decent salary for my age but insufficient for where i live). Having children is to sign up for stress, anxiety, depression, etc. to at least some degree. 

The grass is never greener on the other side. 

I dont know what life would be like without her because shes here. And I wouldnt want a world without her. Even if i regret how/when/with whom i brought her into this world., You could ask this same question on a general parenting group and you would find the same varied replies. Not all autistic kids are the same with support needs and not all parents and sibling dynamics are the same. People are going to have drastically different experiences. Also, most people who are happy don’t go posting about being so happy. So you are only going to see venting. I would say the answer is it’s highly dependent on your personality, your kid, financial resources for help, a village to help, etc., Honestly, this is the wrong few weeks to ask me this. So as of right now? no 

There are *things* that make me happy, but on the whole? No., Apologies, I’m about to be the outlier here. And sorry this is long! 

At the moment, no, I’m not happy. My husband and I are pretty stressed out and have been since our daughter was born five years ago. She was only one when the pandemic started so we had the added stressor of trying to keep the baby and ourselves from catching covid. She would have gotten diagnosed earlier if not for the pandemic (for a variety of reasons, including *we had no idea that her behavior wasn’t typical* until she was about three years old, because we were pretty isolated, because stupid pandemic). We thought it was just the terrible twos until we saw what NT three year olds were like and realized something was off. 

We might be in a happier place now if Covid hadn’t happened, ha. The irony is that with pandemic plus a very needy baby at the time, we decided not to have any more kids…but our kid would probably do well with a younger sibling, and it would take some of the pressure off us to have to play with her all the time. 

As of now we can’t go out to eat at restaurants or do normal family things because our kid is kind of a nightmare when I’m around. Pretty sure she masks around everyone who isn’t me, so I see all the less than stellar behavior. She and her dad can go out and do stuff. She and I can’t. She runs away from me, doesn’t listen, screams at me, etc. ABA helps somewhat but not enough that we can do typical family things. 

My advice on having a kid: you should only have one if you absolutely want to!! I 100 percent wanted a child, had IVF to have her, and it’s currently not going as I had hoped (and that’s an understatement). I do have hope for the future, having read others’ stories here about their kids mellowing out as they get older.

You never, ever know what you’re going to get with a child. Having one is such a crapshoot. Usually it turns out okay. Sometimes it doesn’t. You have to be prepared for the unknown and okay with things not turning out how you hoped., My kid is the sweetest kid ever and my favorite person in the entire world. He makes me want to live forever to be there for him. My unhappiness is due to my own mental health, I probably should not have become a mom until I got that in check, but I am, and I have to be better for him., i’m really happy, but my daughter is also low support needs and really only struggles with social skills and is still quite far behind verbally. she’s naturally pleasant and easy going, and she doesn’t display any “extreme” behaviours, so this is probably contributing to my level of happiness. i am sure i would be absolutely crazy about her no matter her level of support needs, but we definitely have it pretty easy when it comes to parenting an autistic child., My son is 5 years old, level 3, and nonverbal. He's the love of my life and I'm extremely happy. I would do anything for him. Realizing that he was autistic finally made me apply myself, I now have a job with good insurance that pays for his ABA at 90% (plus HSA funds for the rest). I've earned two degrees in order to switch careers because I know he'll have high needs throughout his lifetime. That being said, of course the isolation, destructive behaviors, sleep disturbances, and communication difficulties add stress on top of having plenty of stressors in my life already. I do have to vent sometimes, being a parent of a child with his needs isn't for the faint of heart. I don't know anyone IRL who would understand what I'm going through so sometimes I have to whine online., So I can say as a parent of a Kid that has Level 1 and Auditory Processing Disorder.  I wouldn't want him to have kids.  The likely hood that his children would have Level 2 or Level 3 is highly likely.  He's got it bad enough i couldn't imagine having children knowing that they would have it harder than you.  I just don't think it's worth it and it's not fair to the child., The experiences are going to vary widely, but I think the most important thing here is that you are trying to find any sliver of hope to convince yourself to have kids. I think you were clear in your other thread that your boyfriend is the primary motivation behind this. 


I'll be blunt: even now, women tend to do the lion's share of childrearing and housekeeping. In a divorce, fathers tend to fare better than mothers, even years down the line. If you have a disabled child, there's a very real possibility it will impact your ability to work. About 50% of us can't work, myself included. 


These are very real, serious things you need to think about. 


I will be taking care of my children forever, of that there's no doubt. Had I known my husband was autistic, had I suspected I was, we wouldn't have had children. 


Because - it's not fair to bring a child into the world who will always depend on you. It just isn't. If we lived in an ideal world where public education was actually funded and many of us didn't have to homeschool, if group homes were adequately staffed and funded, etc., it would be a different story. But what we're seeing now will still probably be a battle decades from now.  


I love my kids. We have happy moments. My 9 year old can now do a lot more, but he will always need help. But my youngest will be 7 this year and it's becoming increasingly obvious how much more severe his autism is. He's leashed everywhere we go and we don't live a normal life with him. 


I am isolated a lot. It has absolutely taken a toll on my marriage. We spend some evenings together after the kids are in bed, but as the youngest gets up and down, there's always interruptions. We don't have a baby-sitter. 


I have good relationships with my kids - but make no mistake, there is no ""me"" anymore. I have about 7-10 hours a week to myself. That includes showering time. 


This is a very hard life. It'll probably impact you more than a boyfriend or husband. Think long and hard. , I’m definitely happy. My daughter is 20 and nonverbal. She is the happiest and sweetest person alive. It’s not without struggle of course. She’ll never be independent and I’m caretaking far longer than I would have ever imagined. Still I feel so grateful for her. She’s such an innocent and gentle soul. I can’t imagine having missed out on her. I take her out to fine dining places routinely and last year she went to her first live concert and to Disney World. All this took work over years to get here, but sharing these moments with her finally is an indescribable joy. 

That said, we have considerable privilege in that I work from home and my career pays very well. Money is not a concern. Im healthy and young. 

I’m entirely self made and a single parent so I also know the other side of it. This life is easier when you have resources and support and no other significant stressors. But I would say the same thing of having children in general. There just are no guarantees. Typical kids can be physically ill, malicious, destructive, unlikeable, violent or any number of other things., The hardest part about parenting to me is not having any family support. My kids, one is autistic and the other probably neurodivergent in other ways (in the process of evaluating him), are actually quite amazing. Yes, there are hard phases and moments. My hardest moment so far has been the transition to elementary school because my autistic son struggled to regulate his emotions when things got difficult for him. Now that we adjusted his IEP, he enjoys school. 

But I’ve never spent more that a couple nights away from my kids and they’ve never gone a night away from being with me or their dad. The few times they’ve been away from me was when I couldn’t go to my in laws house out of stateso they left with their dad (my hubby). So that part has been hard too, family doesn’t really help daily. They don’t offer sleepovers and my mom always made excuses about it, until I just stopped asking., I am autistic and a parent. I am beyond happy. Most of my life I was so depressed and anxious and burnt out. My husband and my kids changed and saved my life. Still tired but my husband is an awesome stay at home dad retired from the military I work swing shifts 5 nights a week. We have an awesome relationship we had kids after 10 years together. We have one child with ASD and one NT. 18 months away from the youngest starting school and then we will have school days together to ourselves, No. The intense stress is literally killing me. My health keeps deteriorating in new and fun ways, I never know what’s next., My wife and I are both professionals with advanced degrees. Our son was born back in 2017 and he's the sweetest boy you'll ever meet. We decided having additional bio children wasn't for us just because of how hard the pregnancy was. In July we adopted a baby girl.

My son got a tonsillectomy today and has spent the past 3 hours post-op screaming at us and not drinking.

Do I wish certain things were easier (for him and for me)? Of course. Anyone who says ""they wouldn't change a thing"" is painting that overly rosy picture to try and convince themselves. But there has not been a single day in his life that I have ever wished he wasn't here.

Your question tho was ""are you happy with your lives?"". Having a neurodivervent child is harder on your marriage, your personal life and your work life. But I am absolutely happy with my life. My answer would probably be different if I had to stay home all day as the primary care taker because I've found I need to work if even for my own sanity and feeling of self-worth. 

Whether it's something you'd be happy with is ultimately up to you, but I genuinely wish you the best of luck and thank you for your post. Seeing adults with autism having these kinds of debates give everyone of us grinding daily tasks that are harder than they should be hope for their future., I’m happy sometimes?  And not happy other times?  At this point, it’s not really because of the kids, though young children are A LOT, regardless of neurotype. 

Really, I would say I am satisfied and content. If I didn’t have kids I could not have fun infodumping about Pokemon with them and watching them see things I love to do for the first time with happy excitement. It’s really cool. But they’re still people. And so you have to be realistic., I have a very close relationship with my son, he cried so much as a baby and I found inventive ways to soothe him and therefore we developed such a close bond. He’s very cuddly and loving. We do most of the things NT families do, dinners vacations, parks, hikes. We just put probably a little more planning into it than NT families, making sure they have food that he likes, things like that, plan b for I’d things don’t work out. Stuff like that. It’s gotten easier as he’s gotten older and more mature. He’s also very funny and artistic. I don’t thinks I’d change a thing. I have NT kids too and they all have their own challenges that make parenting hard too. I don’t think having NT kids guarantees smooth sailing either. If anything I worry less about his problems with academia and behaviors because I understand him ajd his struggles more than NT kids who just lack motivation or are acting out., No. I have moments of happiness but they’re always tinged with sadness., "" I want to want a kid so badly.""

You don't want kids! You should tell your boyfriend that in very clear terms. Don't have kids because you think you should. 

I have three kids I always wanted to badly and I'm still drained and resentful a lot of the time. Even neurotypical kids are SO MUCH WORK. I'm not minimizing how much work it is to have an autistic kid - but neurotypical kids still don't sleep through the night, go on food strike, poop their pants, throw a huge tantrum about an iPad, etc. It's so tiring even on good days and I can't imagine doing this if it wasn't something I wanted deeply., I am absolutely happy with my life. My autistic kid is actually my easier one! My frustrations are with the world and how it fails to accommodate him — not my kid who is a total delight and surprises me all the time., Nope. 35 m with a son with ASD and likely ADHD and another son who seems to have avoided both. Constantly burned out, overstressed, irritable. Love my kids, and we're doing our best, but happiness feels a long way off., Yes overall.  Most of things I find hardest about our life are more to do with my son’s comorbidities like his epilepsy and disability.  My boy is generally a sweet easy going boy who loves cuddles and tries his best (well most of the time lol).  We also have a typical 3 year old and that is part of our happiness because we can do a  lot of things we envisioned with her and sometimes our boy is able join.  Do I wish things were different with him? Yes, but that doesn’t mean I regret having him.  I love him.  I like him as a little person.  I don’t mind this alternate path a lot of the time., I have a really hard time keeping my house clean but honestly that’s my biggest complaint so I think we are doing AOk and I’m very happy! Our daughter is really flourishing this year - she’s 7 and she just starting wanting to have conversations, she ditched her headphones and has been dressing herself and we’ve had zero accidents! There’s definitely really hard periods but that is life in general, sometimes it sucks, sometimes it’s wonderful lol, I mean, I’m not depressed. Do I wish things were different, yes. But I’m not necessarily unhappy., I have 2 kids, 4 and 2; my 4 year old was diagnosed with autism about a year ago. He’s verbal and “high functioning”, but there are still things we have to work on and cause stress. I’m in my early 40’s, female, and while not diagnosed, I (and my parents) suspect I’m on the spectrum. My son’s temperament, the way his autism presents is so similar to me as a small child. My whole life has felt like a struggle; relationships, work/career specifically, my mental health. I still struggle a lot of with anxiety and depression and was terrified to have children but wanted them so I gave it a shot (made me anxious, I can’t lie). I can say without a doubt motherhood is the best thing that ever happened to me. It’s not easy all the time, but they, these two little humans and their personalities, bring me more joy and happiness than anything life has ever brought me. It feels like a gift to be a parent, in my experience. Many days are hard, I’m a full time working mother so scrambling to meet deadlines while getting my son to appts, ABA, etc, is rough, but my husband is very hands on and other family members nearby have been a support system for us. I know not everyone has that but it is a huge help., Not just that your child could be autistic also consider how you as an autistic would handle any child regardless of neurotype. Kids are an around the clock job. They are loud, they are messy, they need attention even if you are in burnout. They make noise when you need some quiet. They have smells and messy diapers. There’s 0 days of bed rotting allowed and you have way more pressure to be organized and put together and everything cleaned and remember stuff like their appts and school things etc. It’s alotttttttt….

Comparison is the thief of joy. I try not to think what my friends with NT kids are doing because their reality is diff. Their kids are eating a variety of food, they’re not hitting themselves in the head, they’re not melting down over basic things, they’re not in some autonomy struggle where a time out or counting to 3 isn’t effective at stopping negative behavior. And it is isolating to not have people to talk to that don’t offer useless suggestions because they don’t understand., Hi, turns out my husband and I are both on the spectrum, we went into it thinking it was just him (adhd was my dx)

There are hard parts, for sure. I can't say how your experience will be. I can tell you my children are happy, and most weeks so are we. We can go to festivals on the lake, big outdoor concerts, a whole bunch of things. We can't go to a indoor restaurant as a family, the din is too much.
 It's stuff like that; you just have to plan around yourselves and your kids. My kids might have different needs than yours. But I just wanted to chime in and say it can be fun, happy, and rewarding. 

My husband almost never smiled. He didn't really get into much that wasn't his interests. I can't explain to you the joy our children have shown on his face and in his day to day. It's crazy sweet to witness.

That said; agree with other comments. If you don't want kids please don't feel pressured. You get what you get and they need from you in a way that can be hard to manage., I wouldn't change my life for anything. My children give me purpose.
Yes, I'm overwhelmed, so so overwhelmed and burnt out but I love being a parent and I love their quirks and watching them both stim.
I just hope it gets easier managing 2 autistic children who have totally different needs.
I don't have a village to help me, I do 99% alone apart from school. The oldest doesn't sleep good.

If you are unsure about kids then don't let anyone try and talk you into it. Consider what you'd be giving up, make sure your partner is good with kids and especially clued up on potentially having an autistic child (or more than one).
Talk about how you'd raise the child, what values and ideals you want to teach them, parenting goals etc.
The mental load is also something to consider. Does your partner contribute to that now? Because if not it only gets worse when you have children.
I separated before my 2nd was even born because I wouldn't settle for a deadbeat., Firstly- I 1000% agree with prior post. If you don’t have a deep yearning for children, don’t have them. 
Second- my life has many happy moments. It also has many moments of despair. There are times when I feel weighed down by a thousand responsibilities. 
Third- don’t have kids unless you are 100% ready to deal with the consequences of a very low functioning child. My husband and I both know autistic kids from prior relationships. We both love our sons desperately, but it’s not a life I would volunteer for anyone. 
Fourth- it doesn’t end at 18. Are you willing to have a life often dictated by what your child can do? Are you prepared for the financial consequences?

If I had known beforehand that I would have an autistic child, then I would have adopted. I love my son, and that is part of the problem. I can’t protect him from the world. I can only support him. His life will always be a struggle, and that is not a life I would choose for a child, I'm very happy with my life. I was dx with autism the same time as my son. He is my world, and I love him so much that I'm having another in June. I don't even think about our dx most of the time. It's just a part of who we are. My family does better at life than most neurotypical people, so who the hell is anyone to judge me for living my best life?, I'm happy! I had and have problems and stressors, but none of it has outweighed my natural optimism and all the great things my life. And for the past three years, my daughter has been a big part of (both parts of) that. 

Is it a lot of work to keep up on all her therapies? You betcha. But all kids are a lot of work, so that was a given going into this. I have an extra workload, but I was never going to not be busy and tired as a late 40s single parent. 

Do I worry about her future? Absolutely. But I'm also very aware that I have it easier than most - she's very chill, fairly adaptive, and very smart. Happy and bouncing all around like a gummi bear. And once I knew she had receptive language, I was able to unclench. If she's never truly verbal (which her therapists do think she will be), we'll figure it out. She gets her messages across very clearly right now (and I'm basically deaf to body language or gestures, so she has to be broadcasting VERY LOUDLY), and we haven't even gotten to writing or an AAC yet. 

This weekend, we're heading off to Mexico on vacation for two weeks. Last year we went to Disney World. We don't get out nearly enough in general, but that's me being a lazy hermit, not her not wanting to. We go to the playground. The Please Touch Museum. Local fairs and theme parks. Play in the snow. There are places I can't take her (indoor malls, mostly), and things she can't do (fireworks, for instance, or parades). and places that used to be hard to take her but aren't anymore (out for meals springs to mind), but that doesn't mean we're trapped at home., Not happy. Don't have kids., Yes. While kids may be harder some days than others, we live a very peaceful, happy life as a family unit. Both hubby and I find time to pursue our hobbies and even do date nights once a month.

That said, 3-4 were really the hell years for our oldest, and things were bleak at that point., I am incredibly happy. 3 kids, 2 with autism, and a husband that works away from home all week long. It’s hard, sometimes I feel like I’m going to lose my mind, but I wouldn’t change a single thing., I have two autistic kids, one of which also has ADHD. I'm diagnosed ADHD and suspect autistic as well.  Our lives are good.  We do have some challenges that NT families don't, but the way I see it, all families will have different challenges. We do things that work for our family.  Sometimes that means skipping experiences, or different methods of doing things, or needing extra support, and that's OK.  I wouldn't trade my kids for the world. I have posted about struggles in harder times, but it's not that I resent or regret my kids, it's that I know there are people who will understand without judgment., My happiness (joy) does not come from having my children or their fluctuating levels of difficulty. Don't get me wrong - I greatly enjoy my children and I also face many frustrating circumstances with them too. They are a huge source of joy and love in my life, and I'd like to think more so than a source of heartache and frustration.

But I went many years without knowing two of my children and myself are likely on the spectrum (we are not professionally diagnosed yet) and while it's been very helpful in developing patience, understanding, and grace - both with myself and my kids - it has not been the make-or-break factor in determining how my life is going to go. 

Much of the big changes to living a happier, healthier life have been spiritual for me. I know not everyone will agree with me and that's okay. You don't have to. My greatest source of joy is my relationship with Jesus Christ. Everything has gotten better and easier to handle once I trusted in Him. It has put us in contact with mentors and people that are like family to us that are guiding us on this journey (and they have ASD kids and relatives too!).

A lot of this growth has come with mindset changes and getting rid of old beliefs I used to have about children/families that came from trauma and from growing up in a rather toxic household. (We are NC now and I have never had more peace!) Tackling these issues head on has relieved a lot of the anxiety and stress I used to have around managing kids, a house, a marriage, homeschooling, etc. The last 2 or 3 years have been the best I've ever had, and I can finally hope and believe that things are going to get even better for us still. 

But ultimately it's been a choice. Sure, there will be difficult days, stressful days, but also happy days and days to celebrate. I cannot and will not push you one way or the other about having children - that's your decision. Whatever you decide, will you choose to look for the positive or the negative in life? Because your joy will not be found *only* in children or parenting.,  I had no idea I was autistic and now I have 3 very young autistic kids. The stigmatization is very difficult and the constant advocating, standing up for your kids and proving people about your kids are exhausting. I got much more criticism from families than strangers which is very hard. I am lucky my kids appear to be level 1-2 I guess. My older son is pretty darn rigid especially at evenings but other than that he is fine., I’m happy but I do feel I’d be happier if I could communicate and connect with him more. That’s my answer., We seem to oscillate between look at us with our collective shit together and there’s been no aggressions, no one has gotten crab pinched, everyone is CHILL. Then there are times I pick him up from his dad and he bashes his head into the closed car window and usually once I get onto i95, he will unbuckle his restraints and come for my neck quite literally. My son is non speaking, but I feel I fulfill his wants and needs. He is as quick to respond in a loving manner with hugs and kisses as he is to hurt me, or his younger brother. We are his two targets when he is upset. I have remarried, years ago. My husband and son have a very special bond and my husband also just naturally has more patience than I do. He also has four of his own children with his ex wife. The man has experience. My ex husband and his wife have a bad habit of leaving our son out of family gatherings and parties. I can understand going to unfamiliar places with unfamiliar faces. But we take him to gatherings. The pool. The zoo. The park. It’s difficult though since he loves all of those places, I look like a kidnapper trying to get him to leave. 

I love my boys. I love all six of these kids. He does add a level of trickiness to things we do. We have to be vigilant as he will cut and run. I feel like since we share custody, we get a “break”. My youngest son, who as I said is a target oftentimes, does not get a break from his brother. There’s a lot of anger surrounding that. My youngest is in therapy on his own and also we do family work together. 

Some days are better than others. Sometimes I have to go hour by hour. It’s the nature of the beast. Plus he’s almost 14. Imagine being a 14 year old boy and going through puberty and feeling so confused. We explain but I honestly and say what he retains and processes. 

Don’t get depressed over what could possibly be, you’d never get very far. There’s so many variable in parenting and having a family that meshes well. It’s impossible to plan for everything. If you’re thinking this deeply about it, you’re already aware of what COULD happen. When I close my eyes and think of my Parker, I mostly see a giggly goofer with floppy hair that just wants a tickle and some seltzer water. That’s a pretty picture for me to have in my mind., You don’t.  If you do not want kids then you don’t want kids.  If he does then you two have a major incompatibility and likely need to move on to other partners who share the same life goals.   He will resent you eventually for not wanting kids and if you decide to appease him then you may resent him for pressuring you.    I know parents of neurotypical kids that are unhappy and I know parents of autistic kids who are happy with their children.   My ex has 2 autistic girls and is very happy with them.    I find my son to be challenging but not the reason for my unhappiness.  If anything he is the reason I left a horrific relationship my life may not be what I had envisioned for myself but it’s soo much better than it was before., I get told all the time what a dear my autistic child is.  He is smart (reading at 3) , social (have to rein him in) and loves to compliment people.   What I’m unhappy with has nothing to do with him.  He is my joy., Hell yeah I’m happy, Having a NT son first, before my NueroSpicy younger son ended up helping me understand this question. 
I only have boys, but BOTH of them are equally hard., >But are there any parts of your life that are genuinely good.

There are some good parts, yes. Overall I am not happy but that doesn't mean it's ALL bad.

>Are you able to do any of the normal and fun things that neurotypical families do?

Some things, yes. My autistic child is able to handle some activities really well. Strangely, she did amazing at Disneyland lol. She enjoys being in nature so we do a lot of hiking and camping. But other ""normal"" things like eating at a restaurant is usually a no-go.

>Do you have a good relationship with your child and your spouse?

I have a good relationship with each of my children. They have their moments where it's all about dad and they don't want me, but for the most part yes. My spouse is another story, though. Our relationship has definitely suffered since having children.

>Are you ever not burnt out depressed irritable and overstimulated? 

I have brief moments where I'm not irritable and overstimulated but that describes probably 90% of my life., It's ok to not want kids if you don't want them , it's your life . Live it how you want . 
I have a son with Autism and I can't lie at one point I wasn't sure if I could carry on because he was really aggressive and hurting me . BUT that was partly my fault , he can't talk but I wasn't listening . We forget there's a hundred ways to communicate. Once I learnt to watch his cues and listen to him he calmed down so much. He's so much more affectionate and he's happy ! I'm happy ! I love my life now and we work together . I just don't do things with him that other kids do but that's ok . I hated going to the park as a kid and kicking a ball and as someone without autism I love being at home and hate going out so for us we connect haha 
Once you realise that there are so many things you can do that makes you both happy ie we love spinning and chasing each other , love bouncing then you can find things together . But you have to work at that ., My (now 9 year old) daughter is the very best ‘thing’ that has ever happened to me.  She is the light of my life and the joy of my heart.  I’m so amazed by how thoughtful, kind, silly, and sweet she is!  

I’m so thankful every single day for her.  It took us over a decade of trying to be able to have her (on my second cycle of IUI at a fertility clinic).  Life is really hard and messy and beautiful.  She makes me want to be better and do better.  It’s a rocky road but it’s getting better through a lot of hard work.  
Anything worth having is worth working for.

I highly recommend working on your own mental health and your relationship before you try for kids.  Once you have children, everything changes, and it’s much harder to manage self-care.  If either of you have childhood trauma, please address it asap as it is really triggered when you have your own children., It's ok to not want kids. My 3 year old is level 2 and if he makes the choice as someone who's autistic not to have children I'll 100% support him. But as for your question I'm very happy to be the mother of an autistic child and as far as we know a NT child(he's only 4 weeks old). Of course it can be hard especially because I'm bipolar so I get a little wonky at times but I find my life with children very fulfilling but yes over stimulating more so when the toddler and baby are crying at the same time., What does it mean to be happy to you?, I am the parent of a young child (6m). My stress is not to do with my child per se, but rather the frustration of trying to suss out services/resources. 

One thing I have learned in life is that everything is a matter of outlook. I came to parenthood relatively late in life(early 40s). In my 20s I focused a lot on the negative things that happened in my sphere of existence. I was not ready to be a parent then. Somewhere around 29 I realized that s**t happens to everyone. It is just a matter of whether or not one allows that mess to be the focus of the rest of one’s day. It was eye-opening and definitely worked to reset my approach to daily living. I didn’t become a different person, but I did work to be less triggered by things I could not control. 

There came a time in my 30s when a kind of calm just settled over me about becoming a parent and it felt absolutely cosmically right to have a child. I am supremely grateful that I get to discover the world through his eyes and also that I get to help him learn to develop the tools to deal with the world around him. You, OP, may be in an even better place to help your child because unlike me you are also on the spectrum. 

Is it challenging? Hell yes, but the majority of what makes me frustrated comes from external issues, such as the lack of coordination with respect to available resources and the fact that there is no one place to find them.  

You never know who your child is going to be personality-wise, regardless of their place on the spectrum. You could have a typical child that challenges you more than any other child might. You could have a child on the spectrum that is amazingly easy personality-wise., No. Always tired, have had to give up pretty much everything that gives me joy because of lack of childcare, about to have to lose a career I worked hard to build (and is the last thing I enjoy as everything else has been stripped off me) as child can’t go to school, plus all the battles with institutions that should be helping but are not - even after a good fight.
Life is just more of the same frustrations, getting through each day knowing tomorrow will be the same - or worse. The constant threat of poverty due to the lack of appropriate resources to my child and my likely inability to work in the near future because of that. 
The very little engagement I get back from my child after all that. 
It’s lonely and it’s tiring., I haven’t been genuinely happy in years. I can’t remember what joy feels like. I don’t think I can even feel my soul anymore. Sorry it’s bleak!, I’m a “high functioning” autistic woman, with a 6 year old low functioning, non verbal daughter. Her father abandoned us after being ingolved for five years of her life -he was the one who wanted to get me pregnant and manipulated me into avoiding abortion- , he doesn’t pay child support and left me to be the default parent (as always, only this time is worse because I’m almost all alone). My life is hell everyday, and I wish I was dead most of the time., I am AuDHD with two AuDHD children and I would say that I am happy. I’ve always struggled with anxiety and depression and have a massive amount of past trauma, but I’m as “happy” as I have ever been. This life is hard though. Being a parent is overwhelming most of the time but also very rewarding. However, I always knew I wanted kids. Even though it is a very hard life, I couldn’t imagine not having kids. But if you aren’t 100% sure you want kids, don’t have them. If you don’t have a deep longing to have children and feel like your life isn’t complete without them, don’t do it. Being a parent is a 24/7 commitment for 18 years and doesn’t just end at 18. I didn’t know I was AuDHD when I had kids. I’m overstimulated and exhausted basically all the time. I love them dearly though and do the best I can for us all. I would lay down my life for my kids in a heartbeat but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel like I’m about to lose my mind at any given moment. One warning I can give you though, don’t count on having any help. Your bf may be a great person, but 98% of fathers don’t provide half the childcare or emotional support, not to mention the cleaning and running the household. If you decide to go through with having children, don’t do it unless you are prepared to be the primary parent with no support. Mothers often can’t count on family or friends to help either. I moderated a mom support group and the horror stories I read would give you nightmares., im happy for the most part but i think if i had another child, who most likely would be autistic, id lose it and feel regret. my son is only 3 years old and we’ve had a lot of hard moments. its been a real journey navigating this life with an autistic child that the thought of going through it all again makes me already regret it lol. If you don’t want any children, listen to yourself. In the end, moms carry the heavier load of parenting (i know not always but usually) and it can really take a toll on you. i’m pretty sure i’m autistic as well and if i would’ve known before, i wouldn’t have gotten pregnant. I love my son but I think my mind/body can only handle him., I looked at your other post and I think all of your worries are valid. It's hard. It's really really hard to be neurodivergant with neurodivergant kids, but it is doable. I would suggest ensuring you have all of these items in place before having children: 1) a really strong supportive long lasting relationship with someone who understands neurodiversity and is able to support you during tough times 2) other support people and services like housecleaning, babysitting, therapy etc 3) lots of money so you don't have to work crazy hours outside of the home AND parent 4) healthy coping methods like art, music, whatever 5) access to services for early intervention (if needed) for your child., Very happy. Also very appreciative of having a ND child. Has made me a better and more caring, compassionate person, I am truly happy with my life. My 5 year old is autistic and every day she wakes up I tell her I’m so happy to be her mama. We have our challenges but I’m happy and so is my family., It depends on the day. As of late things have been shit as my son has been having self injury screaming fits for bedtime. Both my husband and I tag team restraining him. It really fucking sucks. If it gets worse, we’ll have to call an ambulance to take him somewhere., What really torments me, is knowing that I'm going to die and leave my autistic child behind. He has a lot of capability, but I don't think he'll ever be *completely* independent. Other than that, I think I'm pretty happy. I have a wonderful husband, and we're financially secure enough to easily afford anything we need. 

My son is pretty happy, loves school, laughing, cuddling, etc. He is a lot of work, but he also makes me very happy (as does his NT sister)., Not happy. If I could go back I wouldn’t have had children., I love my life- i have two kids with ASD. There’s a lot of appointments and therapies which is hard but worth it. And a lot of late nights. My husband seems neurodivergent (and by that I mean undiagnosed) and understands our oldest way better and can better anticipate her needs in a helpful way (just as an example- counting down as I brush her hair because “she just needs to know it’s going to be over” and he was right that helps her a lot) I think being a parent is hard and all parents feel pressure to be a perfect parent and maybe that’s more intense when you have kids with different needs especially because you see all these therapists and specialists. 

Everyone is slipping on a banana peel away from a disability- which I mean anyone could develop a disability at anytime and life is unpredictable so I wouldn’t let that hold you back because nothing is guaranteed anyway- even for neurotypical kids. Some people are neurotypical and easy to raise- but still grow up to be jerks. Every person born is a chance to make the world a better place. And if you decide it’s not for you that is totally ok too- there are lots of ways to share that love in your heart without having a child., Very happy! With added disclaimer that I think we have it pretty easy with my 3yo.  Harder than my friends with NT kids. But much easier than many of the parents here in this community. And that certainly affects the experience.

He’s got a few words, getting more, though inconsistent. He doesn’t have trouble telling us what he wants (body language + vibes lol). The harder part is his very limited receptive language. But hey, he has some now and a year ago it was literally zero, so progress.

He is snuggly and affectionate. Silly and sweet. He also pinches and bites me at times (I’ve got some battle scars). And tests limits allllllllll the time.

But being his mom is a joy. It’s tiring and I get overstimulated. But we are one and done, so we can tag out to recharge when needed.  

Which is a key reason I can come here and say I’m happy, and mean it., Yes, I am. Even though my 3yo is autistic I feel I got really lucky with most things. She doesn’t have many behaviors, she sleeps through the night, we can easily engage with her. She’s nonverbal but she has her ways of telling us what she wants/needs. I also have older kids 7yo & 9yo and she doesn’t play with them much but she can tolerate being around them without getting upset that someone is in her space. I thank God for her, she’s saved me in more ways than one and made me look at life in a whole new perspective 🩷, If your sole pursuit in life is to be ""happy,"" you'll be a prisoner of this chase forever.  Raising kids in general is a tough business.  There are so many factors out of your control it's a miracle that they can make it so far, with all the help and village (or lack thereof) to raise them.  It's all about perspective; there will be good times, bad times, ugly times and hard times.  This is regardless of whether your kids is neuro divergent with ASD or any other health/mental/genetic abnormalities.  You have to take a leap of faith and understand your child may or may not be who you thought they're going to be.  For many parents with kids that have ASD diagnosis, it's not about finding the typical happiness of rearing a child, but finding deeper meaning in hopes of preparing their kids for a future that they deserve despite having their disability.  Good luck and I hope you the best in whatever you decide., I love my children with all of my heart, might, mind, and soul. My 9 year old is ND and my 6 year old is NT. My NT kid is just as hard if not harder than my ND kid. And Yes I am happy. Not content but happy. It gets easier as they get older. Not easy, but easier and helping them figure out life and what works is the best and when something clicks for them, oh my gosh. I love when he figures things out. Sometimes he will write notes and it’s like wow you are listening and learning and they are such happy parent moments. He’s the best kid ever (I’m absolutely biased.) and I wouldn’t change our journey because it’s make me, him, his sister and his father better people. We have learned so much on this journey. I love my life. I really do., I often do this thing where I time travel in my head, try to meet my partner earlier, go into a different career, avoid bad experiences or horrible people but every single time I abandon the daydream - because even in a make believe moment I don't want to jeopardise anything via butterfly effect that would stop her coming to me, *exactly* as she is., I will agree with the comments saying don't have kids unless you want them. SERIOUSLY!?! I sometimes think the boomers didn't want children, but they did so because they were supposed to..."" they seem like they hated having children.  I digress. 

In all seriousness,  I wanted children since I was an adult.  I am autistic and my oldest (5) is autistic.  My youngest is very different from my oldest, and we're not seeing any of the signs we saw with the older one of autism. We'll see as she gets older. 

I've never questioned the difficulties and whether or not it's worth it.  I am fulfilled most days,  even though it's tough.  It's easy to complain and vent about the hard stuff.  My oldest had an upset stomach on the drive home from school today and was screaming in the car.  I wanted to start screaming myself from her ear piercing screams.  But then I remember that my parents were quick to anger and quick to violence,  and I'm suddenly happy that my daughters get to grow up in a home where they feel like they belong and are loved and accepted as they are. 

Yes,  I'm trying to give them a life I didn't have,  but I also love the things we do together. We go camping,  we learn stuff together,  I share my experiences, and, although the older one doesn't say it very often,  I know she loves me and nothing even comes close to that feeling. The youngest is in a daddy phase and I can't get enough.  Even if she wants me in the middle of the night or when I don't have much in the tank.

It's hard to imagine a world where you are a slave to their every need,  but once you're in it,  the world you used to live in sewms a little less exciting. I do miss some of the freedom, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. I love it. 

But remember,  if you choose to have kids,  you commit.  There's no going back.  Once you're in it,  you're in it for life. Dive head first and don't look back., This is a bit philosophical, so bear with me, but happiness is relative. Happiness is not the goal to achieve in the end. Happiness is the journey. 
One can choose to be happy no matter the circumstances, and there is joy in little things. You can have the perfect life but still be unhappy, and you can have nothing and yet be happy.

I love my autistic child more than anything, and yet I struggle sometimes, even cry, but I wouldn't change my life, not one bit. I enjoy every moment, no matter if it breaks my back. 

I share this thought knowing that it all sounds a bit holier than thou, and it's not something people who are struggling want to hear, but I know there are parents here who think the same way. This is also something I learned at a young age, but it takes a lifetime to really imbibe it and make it a part of your core.
So, to answer your question, yes, there are people here who are truly happy. There are people with neurotypical kids who are the definition of unhappy. It's all a matter of perspective., I am but my son is still small so I worry about the future. I’m currently pregnant with my second., Just something to keep in mind is your child might have much higher support needs than you do. So make sure you have a lot of support. 

Also I think being am autistic parent is harder in general whether your kid is NT or ND just because of the sensory overload etc 

Do what's feels right for you! The spectrum is so wide, people will have vastly different experiences., Hmmmm. While I am happy, Im in the stage of my life where it is getting kinda easy, but slowly.

Our son is 2, almost 2.5. Progressively getting better! We are extremely proud of his progress, however it is hard. The tantrums, the stimming, not being able to successfully communicate, texture and feeding issues, and his lack of social skills.

Aside from those, I can say we take our son to many child filled events. And my kid sticks out like a sore thumb, to me. To any other parent he’s a cute 2 year old, but we know where he falls short so when he is around kids his age it is noticeably sad for us. We want better for him always, but it is hard to not compare, or wonder how life would be. 

I think as a parent of an autistic kid, you have to really remember the spectrum is different for every kid. Your struggles may not be my struggle, but it does get easier. It just takes time. 

My son did a 180 from last year, to this year and boy has it made life easier in many ways. Still challenges, but hey… progress is progress.

Goodluck, Content and generally happy, Yes - but not blissfully so - we are not Facebook/insta perfect in my household - haha. My SN child is my youngest of 4. Honestly, I can say each kid has their own annoyances and difficult behaviors depending on their stage in life. Sometimes all the kids are difficult all at the same time (or frustrating) and sometimes everyone is okay for a bit, with every combination between. We been at this parenting stage for long time now - our oldest is in college and we just started SN/integrated preschool in the fall for the youngest. 

Some days are dreadful and take everything in us just to make it to the end of a day (or when the day ends after every both of the sometimes insomniac littles finally falls sleep at 5-8am - Finally!! ). And some days are much easier than others, there may be less arguments that day and I just might see the special bond building between the kids, or my almost verbal youngest kid learns a new phrase and those days are when I feel like I'm rocking parenting and my heart just sails. 

My husband and I talk a lot about what if we hadn't had the last 2 kids ( one NT , one SN) and we always agree, we couldn't imaging our lives without them exactly as they are. Yes, I wish their lives would be easier to live through (especially the SN kiddo) but I wouldn't give them up or trade them for an ""easier kid"". We encourage special interests and try to make decisions for each kid based on what is best for them that year regarding schooling and activities. Be weird and unique and learn to laugh at yourself before anyone else has the chance.
We use these mantras to encourage each other....
"" the days (and phases) are long, but the years are so short."" and 
""When you're going through hell the only way out is to put your head down and keep goin til your through to the other side""

It can suck  sometimes, but the good times get us through the bad times. It's life set on hard difficulty, but not impossible mode.

At the end of the day, I make myself pick one good thing to be grateful or happy for so that I can count it as a small win., If you’re aware and prepared to have them then why not? Teach them about mental health early on and educate them. It was only a problem for me because mental health wasn’t talked about with me and my siblings. Break the stigma and educate. You can have bpd and be a good parent with treatment and that being said my oldest is autistic but we suspect our 2nd baby isn’t because he doesn’t have muscle weakness like my first did and he’s already reaching every milestone he’s supposed to be doing. Sometimes mental health issues can skip generations so it’s not even a 100% guarantee each of your kids will have anything. I drew the unlucky straw and got my dads mental health issues but one of my sisters and my brother are mentally well. But in all fairness if my mom didn’t cause trauma and I knew about what I had then I think I would have been fine., I’m content. I’ve been pursuing happiness since long before I had my daughter, but it’s elusive no matter what your life circumstances are. I often thought I have it easier than parents of NT kids. She’s 17 now and it’s not all sunshine and roses, but I wouldn’t say I was unhappy., How old are you? Had i waited until i was in my 30s, i would probably be happy and able to handle a difficult child. I became a parent when i was just entering adulthood.  I was learning to be grown while being responsible for a new life., I'm extremely happy. I love my son dearly and I know he loves me., My answer may vary day to day—even on hard days I’m happy, and even on easy days I can fall into a black hole. But more often than not I feel happy. My daughter will always need help, the world won’t always be kind, but I feel love and give love to her. It’s a gift. But again, ask me tomorrow and I may feel sorry for myself, sorry for my kid, and pissed at the world., Hey mom of two with one ASD son and another that as of now seems to be NT (9 months so a bit early to tell). Autism as my husband and I discovered seems to run on his side and on mine we have a lot of anxiety/adhd. We are very lucky to have an overall easy and happy child and truthfully the luck and support seems to be what makes our life easier. We do have hard days where neither boy is happy or I’m overwhelmed or my husband is. But we make it work and we make time. We have a lot of very supportive family that is always able to watch the boys for us to go and be a couple and just get a break. We did have a hard with our son’s initial diagnosis, but since then we’ve learned to celebrate all of his accomplishments and advancement. We both love our boys very much and care for them, having had them willingly and consciously. Funnily enough our NT presenting child is actually who my husband has struggled with more. So I feel like everyone’s situation is different. We find joy in going out as a family and introducing our sons to new experiences but again all situations are unique since our son is pretty easy going and loves to try new things. At the end of the day I find that those that consistently regret children the most are the ones that had to convince themselves into having them. Children should be a choice that you make enthusiastically. Because it’s better to possibly regret not having had a child than regret having had one., If you would have asked me 2 years ago, I would have replied, "" Hell no! 1 star--would not recommend."" I would have gone back in time and talked myself into sterilization. We almost didn't survive. 

Things are better now, but I am still working through a lot of C-PTSD from the rough years. I still struggle to feel ""motherly"" towards my eldest (17M/lvl3/ in residential due to violence). The little dude (14/lvl3) is alright though. He has his meltdowns occasionally but nothing like his brother and we can handle it. Haven't had to call the cops once yet (for violence, that is...he is an eloper but we have him tagged now). 

I'm glad we made it, but the dark days were baaaad. I'm glad I didn't let the darkness win and end up on the evening news. 

If I knew what I was going to have to go through, then I probably wouldn't have been brave enough to do it. 

I'd be a lot richer too, but that's a minor consideration for me., Happy is an emotion that comes and goes with current factors.  Some days/seasons we’re far from happy. It’s miserable and it feels like we’re in endless darkness. 

Other moments bring unthinkable happiness…my little guy finally catching a specific species of fish he’s been reading about, or finding a giant sketchy snake, or sharing his extreme enthusiasm for Moby Dick.  


Overall, it’s tough. But God made our dude unique.  There are 9 billion people on earth and not one is like ours.  So after the meltdowns and punching and violence and social problems and broken furniture and etc… God wanted us to have him and we buckle up and do what we need to do., Am I happy with my life? YES! I absolutely love my kids. And I have an amazing, supportive spouse who is active in raising our kids. Is our life perfect? Do we get to do everything we want to do? Absolutely NOT. I gave up a lot of myself and hobbies even when my first kid was born and hes not diagnosedwith ASD. 

I used to be an avid snowboarder, some people take their kids at a young age but I didn't, my oldest was a lil slow on milestones but never flagged for autism. I used to camp a lot and go on long backpacking/camping hikes, camping with a little with ASD, not potty trained and prone to eloping would cause me more anxiety than it was worth. Hoping to start going on easy camps again in the future but haven't mustered up the courage yet. We used to go to comic-cons and large social events with our oldest but those things also became too much with a high needs kiddo who doesn't like crowds. I haven't been to see a movie in theaters since before my youngest was born either. 

Kids, whether ND or NT will cause your life to change. You might not be able to do some things you take for granted now. But I'm also quite anxious and over cautious in general. Having kids should be something you really want, and you should be prepared for your life to change regardless of whether they are NT or ND. Never let someone else pressure you into having kids. If you do, you could come to resent your potential kids and no kid deserves to grow up feeling unwanted. Life is hard enough as it is., Tired sometimes, but overall a very happy husband and father. My kid is a double rainbow baby. Two heart wrenching miscarriages before him. We really wanted a child, and we were blessed with a child during probably the roughest part of our marriage. But I swear since he was in the womb he’s been trolling us, and I mean that in a sincere “haha” way and not a bitter way. Parenting isn’t easy. Parenting a rambunctious, inquisitive, autistic 3 year old is probably more so. When I see parents of younger toddlers just walking in a parking lot with their kid just following them and not holding hands I always let out a “must be nice”. 

I’m very fortunate though. My kid rarely if ever melts down. He’s getting better every day with communicating. He goes to school and daycare so my wife and I are able to work full time and he seems to be doing well in that environment. As he gets older things may change but right now I am happy. He is a great kid., Life has challenges by itself, it does not matter if you have kids or not. I had my son until I was 37, because I did not want to have kids, but my husband did, we are separated now and I am with my kid.  Life :)
I was not totally happy without my kid, do not think that kids would make you happy or unhappy.
What is really important is that you be surrounded of a good group of people, that are there for you.  Identify things that you enjoy before kids, so when you feel that you need a me time being a mom, you just have this list of things and ideas that would help you.
Every decision has a new joys and responsibilities, that we were not use to.  If you buy a car you now have to remember to take it to service for oil change, now you can get a flat tire, save money for the gas, you have to clean it, and you can drive farther and see new things., Hi. I don't think you should have a child unless you really want one, otherwise it's very likely you might end up resentful which would be disastrous for both you and your child.

Also there's so many variables with raising someone neurodiverse whether you're neurodiverse or not (My husband was neurodiverse, I have some characteristics but I'm sort of borderline but my father and two of my siblings are most likely neurodiverse). I have four children. My oldest is turning 21 and is autistic (I'm not sure how levels work, but she has a lot of anxiety, is verbal and in college, then i have 17 year old triplets, one who has ADHD and emotional challenges, two boys who are autistic, one is similar to his sister. The other is a lot less self aware, has ADHD.  He didn't start really talking until 4 or 5 but now talks all the time about his favorite subjects.

Some of the following you probably know from your own experience so apologies if i sound pedantic here.

1. How hands on will your boyfriend be?
2. **How much support will you have?** What I mean is state support, community support or family support? I live in a community that considers helping others to be a huge priority. Because of that I had a lot more support.  I don't have much family support as until recently I didn't have family living near me. I live in NYS which provides a lot of support. That makes a HUGE difference.
3. Since it's a spectrum (which you know of course0 **it's impossible to really know how much needs your child would have.** I have it easier because my autistic kids are relatively easy to manage.  Nobody's a runner. Two of them will most likely be able to be independent.
4. This is related to point 1. **Kids have way more services than adults do.** My sister in law lived in Ohio but moved back to NY because when her daughter turned 21 there didn't exist any programs for her. In her case her daughter has down syndrome, but it would be the same for an autistic adult,  a My niece has day programs, also goes away some weekends and has a multiple week summer program she goes to that otherwise my SIL is an empty nester (she's in her 60s) that makes a huge difference in her life.
5. **How was your childhood?** I grew up in a single parent household with 4 siblings (we were 5 all born within six years) for most of my childhood. That helped prepare me for having kids and also eventually for widowhood eight years ago. It doesn't mean life is easy, but my expectations were different than my mom having five children when she grew up with one sibling seven years younger than her with a perfectionist mother.

Okay so after all THAT I'll answer your question.

As a parent I've been overwhelmed in different ways. When my oldest was 18 months she had a seizure. That's not uncommon apparently with autistic kids but I didn't know this until this year when speaking to another parent. Do I regret having my children. Never. That said, I had factors that made it easier. 1. I had a lot of community support. We have an organization for families of special needs that has been amazing. 2. I live in one of the best states for raising autistic kids. That doesn't mean it's been easy. But it's been easier. 3. I had a husband who wasn't always present but very supportive. 4. My kids are verbal, and for the most part easier to parent. That said my oldest has a lot of anxiety about basic living which makes it hard for her to function. Thankfully she's getting therapy. And yet I didn't go on a trip by myself for 16 years. I finally went this summer on a family road trip with my mom, sister and her wife while one son was in camp, my child with emotional challenges was in respite and the other two were able to stay home.

Am I overall happy? Yes. My kids are great. I sometimes haven't been as great as I could be for them especially in the earlier years. I am on anti-anxiety medicine too and see a therapist. I also didn't have kids until i was 32 so I had my twenties to be independent which also helped, but is it hard. Have I gotten overwhelmed? yes and yes. And that's with community support and support from the state., I’m happy enough, I am not happy but I wasn’t happy before kid either. I was able to hyperfocus on my career in advertising and I was incredible at it. It’s my fault, I didn’t know much about mental health at all. Once I had my son and began worrying about him and then the diagnosis, everything became so clear about myself. I am totally burnt out now as my sons primary caretaker, 9 years of no more than 2-4 hours of sleep at a time leaves my cup completely empty. You know when I am happy- when I drop him off at school and have silence in the car. That’s the peak of the day., My son is 2.5 years old and non-verbal. I tear up all the time when I see 18 month old babies talking and communicating so easily with their parents. What an easy life that many people take for granted. They even joke with me “you would wish they would just shut up like yours!” 🙄

HOWEVER, my son has taught my husband and I so much about the true meaning of love. And our patience has been one that’s way higher than it ever was without our son. We also know how to deal with people that are similar to our son and it’s amazing to see.

Kids in general are HARD, autistic or not. In my opinion, it’s harder than marriage itself. But with the right partner, love, patience, and access to the right tools, it can be very rewarding 💕, Yes. I teach kids with autism. I have a monogamous realtionship but will never marry, and I love my life!, I will preface this by saying that my kid is level 2, but overall I am happy. I'm tired and sometimes overwhelmed, but it doesn't feel as if it's at a very different level to other working parents of neurotypical kids. I think every three year old is a little energy vampire. 

It has definitely gotten easier as he has gotten older. He is currently chilling and listening to his Toniebox, and I have been doing some light cleaning. We are going to the science museum in a bit. We did the zoo on Monday, and an Easter Egg hunt last weekend. He's on spring break, but normally he has school during the week. 

I don't know. I am sure there are some unique challenges we are experiencing, and his therapy schedule is intense, but ... It doesn't feel like it is very different to having a neurotypical kid, especially as he is becoming increasingly verbal and wanting more interaction with me.

Again, level 2 kid, so I am not saying my experience is universal., Having kids us hard weather they are NT or ND. But you just love them through the hard times and there will be PLENTY! my 6yo is autistic and I wouldn't change him for nothing. He's the best boy and has made my life better. I have a 1 yo and idk if she is autistic or not yet.  It's hard to tell for sure when they are little but she may have some common early signs.. which honestly.  Nothing could make me happier if she was. I'm just used to doing life like this and always loved helping special needs people even when I was a kid.. so I think I'm just made for this 💪, I’m happy, my toddler is awesome, I’ve got a great support system, and an effective game plan to meet her where she’s at for her life. Are there days that are hard, absolutely, but I’m happy. Now I discussed heavily with my husband that ASD runs in my family before having a child to ensure that we had talked about what the challenges would be and how to best support any child we may have. If you do have a child and you notice missing milestones, fight for a therapy referral. I started talking with my child’s doctor at 1.5 years that she’s showing symptoms of a delay. At two we got her into ot/st and while we’re still showing signs of a delay, the gap is lessening, and I’m very confident she will be an independent adult, without any need for paid long term support. Children can get speech and ot before ASD evaluations comes into play. But if you are concerned about not meeting the needs for an ASD child, adoption is just as valid an option., I'm very satisfied with my life. We went through a really hard time a couple of years back, but that was mostly unrelated to my kids. My soon to be ex-husband was emotionally abusive and manipulative and made my life very hard for a very long time. Life is so much better now. It does help that their dad has them half the time, so I have time to myself. 

My kids are my whole world, and I love them to bits and am so grateful and happy to be their mom. They have relatively low support needs, and we can go out into the world and do most normal stuff. My 5yo has a lot of anxiety, so going to new places is always challenging, but it's been getting easier. My only real complaint is that my 3yo sleeps terribly, and the sleep deprivation takes a toll. I'm hopeful that it will get better as he gets older. It's already gotten a lot better compared to 6 months ago., I’m not only AudHD, I have severe trauma -ptsd, depression, anxiety, hashimotos hypothyroidism, severe migraines, substance use disorder (have been clean 13 years) and other things. I had my son at 33. He is truly the best thing that ever happened to me and my life is so much fuller now and seeing his smile makes me happy. I can say it’s hard but being a parent can be hard at times. I can also say that I am truly happy. I appreciate my child and he is the light of my life. Everyone is different. 

I didn’t think I would have a child either🤍, I love being a parent and knowing that my children have someone they can rely on. 

As I kid I didn’t have that safety/comfort because my mom had 6 kids and was a widow. She worked 2-3 jobs and we hardly saw her, our older siblings were in charge of the youngest. Her time was very limited out of necessity. 

Now as a parent I try my best to be present as much as I can. My eldest has ASD but she’s made so much progress over the last year after starting school. She was nonverbal and would be aggressive and had constant meltdowns to the point of nosebleeds/vomiting. It was very difficult but thankfully my husband was very involved as well. Now she’s speaking, can initiate conversations, asks questions, describes her feelings or surroundings, remembers conversations from other days and is really helpful with her younger sibling. She also knows peoples emotions and is really caring. All of this I something I couldn’t say in March 2023. 

It’s tough but it’s worth it when she says “mommy! I’m so happy I can dance” and she starts dancing 🥰❤️ or “mommy I love you soooo much”, Im in a state of serene pleasure with moments of intense anxiety. Autistic homies can have it go you just cant shy from your problems., My SO is on the spectrum, diagnosed after our daughter was.  I fear for my daughter and the difficulties she faces/might face, but it never makes me love her less.  I have 1NT and 1ND and  let me tell you, you are going to face challenges with any child.  But I fear more for my ND child.

There are also times where I am not able to help her.  I am trying, she is trying, but we aren't connecting in a productive way and that is hard to face.  We are lucky in that the majority of her diagnosis is concentrated in emotional regulation and social development and the physical/mental development is not largely affected (though we have been through 2 years of intensive speech therapy and her speech is behind her ND peers).

We spend a lot of time making sure both kids feel like they have their needs met, often at the expense of my own needs.  I have to have a lot of grace for all of the emotions of everyone in my house while I have to be non-reactive (making me feel like I don't get to have feelings some days).  I get burnt out and most days my self care is just a cup of coffee and my anti anxiety medication.  All of that sounds bleak, but that's the dark side.

I feel very lucky that our daughter has had early interventions which have allowed her to progress greatly.  I feel very lucky that she is verbal.  I feel very lucky that she is pretty much the carbon copy of my husband- who has lead an isolated, but fulfilling life.  And I have hope for my child.  As part of the autism community, I know that we are insanely lucky and that on the more severe aspect of the spectrum, the hope is different, the fears are different, the stress and intensity is different.  I have nothing but compassion and empathy for those families, especially because at the best of times with very mild symptoms raising a child with ASD can be hard and draining.

But I would not change a thing about my daughter.  She has opened my eyes to be more understanding and loving of my husband.  He has been able to learn through her.  We have been able to give her the experience and loving childhood my husband should have had.  She's funny, sensitive, caring, intelligent.  Her presence makes my life better.  Both of my kids are the single most point of stress in my life.  They drive me to the brink and back again.  But I delight in them.  I love watching them.  I love teaching them.  I love exploring with them and seeing who they are becoming.  They are undeniably the best part of my life and if they were to go, life wouldn't be worth living.

I love most parts of my life.  We adjust a bit to make sure that while we do things most NT families do, we have set ourselves up for success. (Telling her exactly what is going to happen, what to do if she wants to leave, which parent is her ""buddy for the day"" and which parent will be in charge of her sister. Paying attention for her stims and listening to her words. Watching videos of what to expect and giving her space to have feelings and a calm down spot when she asks for a break.  And we accept her no.  No cajoling or trying to convince her if she says she'd rather not do something.  Its just, okay! let's not do that!)  We go on planes, to the zoo, to aquariums, out to dinner, to winter festivals and summer water parks.

I have a great relationship with my children who think I am both God and their servant, so basically- Mom.  I have a great relationship with my husband though we both get overwhelmed, burnt out, and stressed.

Motherhood is a complex experience, but its not for the fainthearted.  Its not for the unsure.  The only reason to ever have a child is because YOU really, truly **WANT THEM**.  Because it is absolutely a labor of love in which you will break yourself down and be rebuilt into someone that lives for someone else.  And that's fucking hard.  To be a secondary character in your own life.  If you don't want it enough, you'll develop resentment, and I cannot stress this enough- your child didn't ask to be here.  We owe them everything and them nothing because we chose them.

So, after this long ass post, my answer to you is don't have kids.  I see your BF wants them, but until you are SURE, until you can look at everything everyone has said and confront the reality and understand what you could be getting yourself into and can find the delight and joy, don't do it., So, happiness comes from within.  You have to love yourself to love others.  You create a helpless child, totally dependent on you.  You learn right along with them.  It creates a bond that if you can love, becomes a part of your core being.  But, you will also see everything that you don’t like about yourself in your children. And because they watch you and learn from you, they end up mimicking that. So what you were seeing is a reflection of what they see in you. Also, make peace with the fact that you are a reflection of your parents, and your children will remind you of your mother or your dad. That’s why loving and accepting yourself is key. If you are happy with yourself, you will see children happy within themselves. If you are frustrated with yourself, you will be frustrated with your children., I'm a mom of two.  The oldest is autistic, and I'm currently undergoing evaluation to see if I'm also on the spectrum, which we suspect I am.  

Not going to lie, kids can be hard. It can be exhausting. And venting about it is necessary sometimes.  But man alive, they are also amazing.  I've never experienced love the way I have with my two little people.  I could stare at them for hours and just watch in wonder and amazement. And sometimes I do! And sometimes I want to toss them out the window.  I feel like I get to experience life new again, seeing it through their eyes.  I am in love with the fact that I get to grow old with these people, and watch them turn into adults and have their own lives.  So definitely worth it to me.

In saying that,  it's not for everyone.  If you don't feel like you want kids, that's ok, and it's important to not go down that road if you don't want to. I have kid free friends with happy fulfilled lives who wouldn't change it for the world.  Only you can answer for yourself if it's the right choice for you.  There's no right/wrong answer other than how you feel.  Good luck., It's a weird one. It's really stressful and lonely sometimes, and I rarely get a break (lone parent). But if I could go back in time and change things, I wouldn't. I wouldn't be without my kids, and I do have joy in my life., I am a late diagnosed autistic woman with adhd and I have a 7 year old boy, recently diagnosed.  I love him to bits and he's the best thing I've ever done with my life.  I sometimes question if I made the right decision given the state of the World/UK/global outlook etc, and I often question my ability to parent, but I never question my love for him (I'm a perfectionist and there is a whole thing about being a 'good enough parent which is difficult for me to accept as I want 100%) and I love being his mum.  He is so funny and it's brilliant getting to know him as he grows up and develops his own personality and preferences.  He's so strong willed and confident in ways I could never be, and I'd like to think that at least in part that's down to me being the parent I wanted.  So, I'd say go for it.  Of course it is hard, being a parent is tough, and the lack of sleep can be crippling, but it's also rewarding and fulfilling in ways nothing else is.  I'd say for me pregnancy was the really hard part as you get told endlessly about risk and how many ways in which babies can die, so by the time my son arrived I was a mess and I couldn't sleep in case something happened in the night.... 🙈 being autistic through that process was tough, courses are designed for NTs.  But seeing him grow, and develop into a wonderful, kind, funny, silly, clever, fabulous human being is amazing.  I wouldn't change anything.  I also loved the closeness of baby carrying (using slings, amazing and that baby smell, yes!).... You often get horror stories, I think, as parents are mostly tired and in need of more sleep than they get and that makes them cranky. And it can mean sensory overload as an autie parent, too, but you can find ways to cope.  Sometimes I think being autistic has been my super power as a mum because I became so focused on being the best mum I could be.  Being responsible for another human being is huge, at least it is for me.... so you need to be able to deal with that.  Also, it's a lot easier if you have family or a good support network.  I didn't.... but still here and have eventually found one!  Good luck and go with your heart, I'd say (if we were entirely rational about it, I don't think any of us would have kids, as it doesn't make financial sense and is arguably detrimental to our personal health in many ways, but here we are?!!!  I think it's far more beneficial to us in many other less tangible ways). ♥️💐🖖🏻, I'm happy in my life, yes.

But that doesn't mean it isn't stressful.  I am not on the spectrum, so I don't know what life is like when you are on it.

If you are worried about being overstimulated, then having a baby, whether on the spectrum or not, is something you want to think real hard about.  I hear people on this site, saying because of autism they don't like to be around other people too much.  Well if you have a baby you are with them 24/7. 

If you really want to have a child, but really don't want a child on the spectrum you could look into adopting.  I don't know if that is the right answer, but it's a possibility. The reality is none of us are signing up for special needs kiddos intentionally (except those who choose to adopt them)., I take the “it could always be worse” mindset, Had to check to see if this was the autism page or the marriage page. LMAO but really, lots of variables can make or break parenthood. None of us are perfect, and neither are our kids, autistic or not. Don’t let anyone make that decision but you and your partner., Like Charlotte from Sex and the City said, I’m not happy all day, but I’m happy every day. I’ll say that we are super fortunate to be able to afford a lot of things/help, and our autistic baby is relatively easygoing., It's hard and stressful like you wouldn't believe but I still love my son. Of course I wish he wasn't ASD but honestly, my husband and I like to keep to ourselves and if we had an NT kid, I'd feel pressured to put him in sports and do playdates with strangers, which I'm glad no one really asks us to do. Like someone else said, we bought our village and have ABA most days of the week and even have ABA at school now. We also have family nearby and he's got cousins who are his same age who try to include him in things.

I didn't always think I wanted kids but I'm glad I have my son. I think if I hadn't, I'd always wonder what my kid would be like. My husband and I have a great relationship and if we didn't, I'd probably feel entirely differently. I can't imagine doing something like this alone. BTW, I take meds for depression and that also contributes to my more positive outlook. I remember what it was like without the meds and......it was a black hole like you couldn't believe., I want to say I’m happy but I’m not. Single mom by technicality right now, working full time and then coming home to chaos is really hard. I’ve been sick for a few days, and after my un potty trained boy was sick with Norovirus has pushed me to the brink. Today there was poop smearing when I got home after days of cleaning diarrhea and ruined blankets.  I just had a massive rage fit basically and I can’t tell anyone because I’m ashamed of the state of my anger, the pain I feel, and the hopelessness and then THE GUILT of getting so angry at someone who probably has no clue why I’m so upset because his social rules are completely different than mine. I feel so unloved by my son, even though I know he loves me. And I feel so guilty for getting angry at him over things he probably doesn’t get why I’m so destroyed over them. BUT like so many other people have said, I don’t regret having him. For me, I painfully regret my own inability to be better. Also I’m a teacher and these middle school kids are fucking killing me every single day. That doesn’t help at all. Don’t let anyone pressure you, but there is nothing like being a parent and the love you can feel. Good luck either way., It’s hard. And it’s taken awhile to see more good. You never stop loving your kid though. The reality is autism is expensive. Our daughter is in ABA, occupational therapy and speech. Will your child need these therapies? Who knows. I didn’t know but fortunately we have insurance. I didn’t know there are people who pick careers to help children with autism. So if you want a child then do it. There’s so much help out there and once you find your tribe you will be okay. All of these therapist are my village. We have no one else we don’t get breaks or date nights. But my daughter has changed so much from last year. We get to go out to dinner. We get to go to the fair and to the mall. We will be enrolling her in tennis soon and in August she will start preschool through the state. No one can write your story because that’s your story. No one can tell you how it’ll go. But as a mom I can tell you it’s a beautiful thing to raise a little one. Nothing is perfect with this life and the kids don’t ask for perfect., I am BPD AuADHD and my partner is ADHD and very likely NPD and we had the talk about what if he had ASD but the tricky part about that conversation, even if it’s well intentioned, you have no fucking idea how to prepare for that unless you’re preparing for the worst case scenario. so I thought because of my personal experiences I could guide him but his ASD is very different from mine, so I had very different expectations. Also I went undiagnosed most my life whereas we got my sons diagnosis before 2. My parents never had the responsibility of therapies/behavior coaching that I have had, it’s incomparable. Because my parents still don’t believe the importance of being neurodiverse affirming and accepting, my support system has been inconsistent and made the beginning of my motherhood journey fucking hell. I’ve learned these are the key things to being a successful parent 1) figuring out if you’re emotionally capable and resilient , go to therapy if not 2) do you have a support system in place to maintain self care for yourself , if not could you afford one? 3)can you afford and handle being a parent with ASD child if you split (High divorce rate) 4)do you have family that would look after your child after you expire ? would you be ok not knowing if your child has a good quality life (living independently and having a social life outside of parents)? 4) are you being honest with yourself about the reason why you want a child? You will absolutely have it thrown in your face that you made the choice to have a kid, could you live with that and make the most it?, To reiterate what some of the other people have said, it's ok to not want to be a parent. AND it's also ok to not want to be a parent, with your boyfriend. 

If he really wants kids and you don't, you need to have a sit down calm conversation about where your relationship is going. 

Most people will have been in relationships at some point and realised that they have different ideals or what life will be. It's ok, like most things in life, communication is massively important., It's very hard. One autistic child is difficult to manage, but I think if you have a supportive community that will help care for your child and take some of that burden, then I don't think it'll be just as stressful as solo parenting., I’m happy. I’ve got a good career, happy kid, supportive partner. Things aren’t always easy but early intervention really helped my kid and she’s much happier than she was when she couldn’t communicate. That makes me happier., For me the most helpful thing about this experience has been focusing on it like a puzzle--like several puzzles I'm working simultaneously a lot of the time, but really the idea is to figure out which strategies work, which things need to fit in place to be able to manage it (like, we all do better when I am more relaxed, so things that are relaxing for me get moved to the top of the list; we do better with more sleep and a consistent routine, so things that disrupt that get taken out as much as possible).  I think the frustration comes up for me most reliably when my expectations are so far away from reality--I can get really attached to an expectation or excitement or anticipation for something I'm looking forward to, and if it doesn't materialize like I imagined, it is incredibly discouraging and it's easy to plunge into my life is a misery and will always be a misery because this circumstance will always be with me.  So one thing that I have to figure out is how to ensure that there are things I will enjoy that are low risk of being screwed up.  I feel like it has made me a more emotionally mature person than I was before, like I think in the past I felt like I was in control of everything and because for the most part I was, I was entitled to feel frustrated by the things that weren't to my liking.  But now I am so much more aware of how out of my hands things are, and once I learned to make a little more peace with that (a work in progress lol) it relieved some of that frustration and made me feel like a nice life was actually really possible, and maybe even more important, that I would be enjoying that nice life as a more self-aware, compassionate person than I would have had the opportunity to be before.   I am, for context, a single mom with a level three ASD kid who is 8 and a NT kid who is 10, and we live far from family, including the kids' father.  BUT we have a great school that I never have to fight with, and I have a pretty low stress job with flexible hours where I make enough to outsource some things.   Some of that is luck and some of it is intentional--like I keep this job despite a lot of opportunities to advance and do something more interesting because that flexibility is part of my ""village"" that someone referenced earlier.  When I started to pay attention to all the things that make my life easier it really changed my attitude towards not having a partner or family nearby--like what would family actually do that I can't do in some other way?    Solving as many things as I can in creative ways is, for me anyway, part of the fun and growth of this life, as opposed to just checking the same boxes everyone else gets to check.   I am not sure I would have picked this life off a menu, but I think I would not have realized how much I was missing if I hadn't had the chance to live it., If you have reasons to believe your kid might be autistic and that is something that would lower your quality of life (you are already asking so it definitely in your mind), why not looking at adopting? Lots of kids out there are in need of love, I am very happy. My life is a whirlwind of chaos but the bond I share with my boy is something I wouldn't trade for the world!, Yes, we are very happy!!  Sometimes it’s very hard, but that’s true of life.  I have a great relationship with my spouse and kids.  I have 4: 19, 5 (ASD), 4 (speech delayed but otherwise neurotypical), 1.75 yo neurotypical., I often feel exhausted, burnt out, frustrated, etc… but I love my son more than I ever thought it was possible to love another human and I don’t regret having him at all. There are really hard moments and hard days sometimes, but we have just as many really fun and happy moments and days. We have adapted our lives to accommodate my son, and once I accepted that that was just our reality and not the social media fake perfection, it helped. My son definitely helps me notice and appreciate the little things more. And he’s helped me to enjoy childhood all over again through his eyes., My husband is neurodivergent, our oldest daughter is on the spectrum and her two little sisters are neurotypical. We are for the most part in love with our lives.

He struggles a little with the sensory overload of the chaos of our house (3 kids, 2 adults, and 2 dogs) but we have learned each others bat signals for when we’re going to lose it. A “hey do you wanna go take 5” is our love language.

All 3 of our daughters are fucking fantastic and they make our lives so crazy and so beautiful. He gets our eldest daughter on a really special level and has been instrumental in her ability to love and accept herself exactly as she is. 

All in all I’d say we’re the typical family just loving and living. Sure we have some unique challenges but it just makes it all the more fulfilling at the end of the day. We have a home, food, clothes, and each other. When all the kids are in bed and we can finally lay back we usually just say god damn, we have it all., I am married with 1 child. I would say that I am actually pretty happy in life. I think my life has improved since the times when I was single and childless. It's definitely changed but in a mostly good way. Having a child can at times be over stimulating but the pros do outweigh the cons. I wake up every day to my husband and son's smile. My son will usually put his face to mine and touch my face with just the biggest smile on his face. He laughs constantly and it's beautiful. We do a lot of things as a family too. It does take more time to plan things and get ready to go out but you get better at it with time., To procreate is divine. Autistic kids are difficult to handle, but I honestly can't imagine my life without my son. I think about everything I did before my kid and it all seems so boring and empty. You truly won't get it until you have a kid, autistic or not. Keep in mind too that most of the people posting here are also autistic, so there is a high chance that if your kid is autistic, they will still grow into a somewhat functioning adult, Parenting is a big responsibility. If you are independent yourself and feel like you can raise a kid, then why not?? I am a NT parent of an autistic kid 5yrs. His diagnosis was a shock for us, but we have accepted it now and are as happy as anyone can be. Raising a child is a beautiful experience, no matter how he turns out., I’m super happy. My toddler is ASD 3. He’s in therapy, he’s learning. We’ve gotten to a real good spot where we know what helps and what doesn’t. Yeah we have some bad days but I cannot imagine my life without him! He’s got 1 younger sister and he loves her! I want one more even though I know I could have another ASD child., I could not imagine my life without my ND kid. I love that he’s my firstborn and I would literally not have it any other way. It feels like my kid was always meant to be ND and all his “quirks” make me feel even more like I’m meant to be his mom. Sorry 🤷‍♀️, Now, I will preface this with the fact that my son is currently 3, and does not have a formal diagnosis at this time. He has a functional speech delay, and some other behaviours that point toward ASD, but others that don't at all, and our pediatrician has taken the ""wait it out"" approach for the time being, but I am pretty confident he will end up with a diagnosis of some sort, if not ASD, some sort of processing disorder would be my guess. Either way. YES. Parenting my child comes with some enormous challenges, but my goodness, does he ever bring so much joy and light into my life. We are able to do SOME things families with exclusively neurotypical children do, and other things we avoid, and there are some things where we find a compromise that works for our family. We do things a little differently than what might look typical to most families, but what we are doing is working for us. We have more appointments than most families with a 3 year old (speech, and OT right now), but we are fortunate to have access to therapies to support my son's development. He makes me laugh every day. He makes me feel loved and needed every day. He teaches me something new every day. He amazes and surprises me every day. There is no shortage of happiness in my life; even though this isn't the EASIEST path, it is certainly not a path lacking love and joy., It’s hard. But I wouldn’t trade my son for anything., Yes I am happy- I have times where I feel disappointed for my guy- I hate that his life will be more challenging simply because he was born- but he is so happy and cuddly and is such a light.  He makes me smile all day long- he is the best thing thats ever happened to me.  , Yes. Life is not perfect but I love my beautiful high support needs ASD son and despite our challenges he makes my life better with him in it. For the bad times outside of that I remember that this life is temporary and I pray to God that there is a place in the house of Jesus Christ for me and my family. Thank you God for my boy, I’m really happy! 2 NT teens and one ND toddler. I’m also most likely autistic but undiagnosed. I’m a single parent, gave up work when the little was born as they have other medical needs. So a lot changed, but not necessarily for the worst. Are there hard times? Yes. Are there days I think I can’t handle much more? Yes. But that was the case with my older, typical kids too. That’s ALL parenting IMO. My little is the chillest, most loving child ever. We have a bond of steel, nobody comes close and we have a happy life just chilling out! We can’t do breakfast with Santa, or swimming lessons, or the Easter bunny. But I’ve let go of that because that’s not what my child wants. We do what they love instead (mainly walks, the beach, driving, tickle, chase etc, iPad). They’re also great on holiday, we go away a lot and that’s a big plus for us. 

I can hand on heart say that I’m happy. I wish my child didn’t have potentially rough times ahead in life, but there’s nothing to say they won’t thrive and be truly happy too. We had a ROUGH time when they were born and I’ve watched them nearly die, go through brain surgery , facial surgeries etc so nothing seems hard in comparison anymore. I think my default is extreme gratitude my baby is ok, so that may play a part in my answer. I also think the nature of these forums is that people reach out when they’re struggling so it can seem like having an ND child is all doom and gloom. And I’m not taking that away from anyone who struggles, my heart goes out to them. But remember it’s not a given that it’ll be that way :), You might not want to do all the fun things everyone else does. You'll want to do your own version of fun. 

As an autistic parent you'll be able to understand and advocate for your children, both ND and NT, in ways others can't., I’m very happy, is having a child hard sometimes? Definitely but the pros far outweigh the cons. My child is funny, happy, energetic, creative, gentle little guy. I love his personality, I love his way of doing things, I love the ways he shows his love! The first couple years were the hardest for me (not because of him) but the drastic change to my life and how I liked things done was very hard for me. I settled into the new routine eventually and I’m so happy now. I love my family and I love my child!, Imo happiness is a fleeting emotion like sadness or anger or whatever else. It comes and goes. It's a mood. I do have plenty of happiness in my life, along with frustration and exhaustion and sadness, just like anybody else. Each one has a time and a place. I think the more important, more constant feeling is fulfillment (or lack thereof). Happy or sad or angry, I'm still always fulfilled by my life and my family. I'm glad my 3 kids exist. I feel lucky to be their mom. I love that they're each a little walking/talking (or babbling lol) embodiment of my and my husband's love for each other. 

Sounds cheesy, I know. I don't really say this stuff to anyone, but since you asked I figured I'd give the whole answer haha! 

But also, if you don't want kids, you don't have to have them. What is fulfilling for one person is hell for another. Can parents of autistic children be happy, fulfilled? Yes absolutely. Whether that'll be the case for you is really only up to you though. 💜, Yes, we’re happy! My 4 year old ASD daughter is so much fun! She loves to hike, work in the yard, she’s curious, she loves to snuggle. She doesn’t talk often, but when she does she is hilarious! Yes, our daily life looks different- we have to make sure she’s getting adequate sensory input to stay regulated- but we have fun.  For me, the main sources of stress are having to fight to get her into services (already having to plan out summer months and next school year), I wish she’d have more interest in her little sister, it’s frustrating seeing her do something once and then refusing to do it again, and, the biggest one, not knowing what she will be capable of as an adult., I’ve experienced grief and hardship in my parenting journey but my life is infinitely better with my daughter in it. She’s a goofy ball of energy who makes people smile everywhere we go. Shes affectionate, happy, and curious and I learn from her every day. I think happiness is complicated. I wasn’t happier before I had my child. I’m not sure I can say I’m happy now either but I experience plenty of joy and much of it is because of her., My 3yo (ASD) and 1yo (NT) daughters are the light of my life. Autism is not easy but it comes in so many different forms and waves, so some days are not so great and others are the best days we’ve ever had as a family. My daughter on the spectrum is quiet (when she isn’t singing haha) and sweet and introverted. She loves singing and drawing. She is truly a gift in that she is easygoing and agreeable most of the time. There is a lot of work and effort involved on our part as parents because we want to and do work toward providing her as much support and services as possible so that she can learn to communicate more and thrive in her new preschool program. Raising her and being tuned in to her needs was all we knew until her sister came along. My younger daughter is an energetic extrovert. I often consider parenting her to be on easy mode because she sleeps like a rock and I am far more familiar with teaching someone socially motivated who learns by copying/mimicking. That said, she is much more vocal, opinionated, and likely to get into “trouble” - ie getting into things she shouldn’t and testing boundaries. In this respect, she is not as easy to parent as my firstborn. Each has their quirks and strengths and weaknesses. Both fulfill my husband and me in their own way.

Being a parent is the best thing I’ve ever done. I find so much joy in our girls and who they are becoming and I absolutely wouldn’t change a thing. I wanted kids my whole life. I grew up with an ASD sibling, it initially made me apprehensive about having a child with ASD, but this is due to my own shortcomings rather than any potential heartache or distress brought on by having children. Every child, neurotypical or divergent, is different, and everyone will have a different experience. Whether you roll the dice or not, I wish you confidence and peace in whichever choice you make., I’d say you can be burnt out and depressed even without an autistic child! I have 4 children, 3 who are autistic! Life can be crazy and there’s days I can’t catch my breath but I don’t know who I’d be without my kids!, I love my kids. I love seeing them excited to jump in bouncy houses, ride rollercoasters, swim, line things up in the sand at the beach. I love coming home to their laughter, their excitement. Sometimes it’s difficult, and I vent. Even parents of NT kids struggle, parenting can be difficult. If you want a kid, prepare for it, plan what you want to do with this child. Give them the love and childhood you want to give them., Not gonna lie, my life sucks, I’m not happy and I struggle to get through the day.

With that being said, I have no doubt at all that all my current struggles would be worth it if in two decades my son is doing what you are doing right now.

Since you asked for it, my advice for you is to have children with your boyfriend., This is a good point! None of us can tell you if *you* will be happy with kids, be they autistic or not, I 10000% agree. I am content and fulfilled because I always wanted to be a mom and had my kid when I felt like I had done all the things I wanted to do in my 20s (studied, traveled, etc). I also knew going in that being a parent was going to involve sacrifice and I felt ready. If I had had my kid any sooner, it would’ve been a tougher adjustment. I’m personally very happy with my kid. I don’t compare him to neurotypical kids. I also celebrate what makes him unique, and I think he’s so cool and sweet and fun and interesting. He’s also so smart and a motivated learner, and it’s been fun learning about his special interests. But my life involves zero time to myself, lots of work on regulating my emotions, high stress when my kiddo is having a tough day, lots of worrying about the future. My husband is an exemplary dad and partner, and even with all these wonderful things, there’s still a high level of being needed, lots of stress to manage, appointments to juggle. All of that to say it’s okay not to want kids, it’s okay to want to wait a good while until you’re sure you’re ready, and it’s important to take the time to be sure that you and your partner can work together and are on the same page about kids., I didn't want kids & am Bipolar; knew I shouldnt.  In a Manic Moment, a coworker came to work on Endorphin High after his wife gave birth & said it was Best Feeling in World.  I got PG that night, first time ever w/o birth control, at 34.  Dr called me Test Positive @ work.  I loaded copy machine cartridge backwards & it trumpeted like an Elephant.  That F\*\*\*\* A\*\*\*\*\* coworker never even congratulated me on PG.  I often wondered how his kids turned out.  My son is Estranged from me, Aspergers, and today is my 70th birthday.  I regret having them.  My life went downhill.  More trauma than happy memories.  Sorry to be honest but this is anonymous.  My mother should not have had me & I should not have had children.  My half-sister's one child turned out real well but we're estranged., 100% agree with this. It's something you and your boyfriend need to have a serious conversation about. Sounds like you're completely opposite in your desire for a child. And that's completely ok, he's either going to see your point of view or you go your separate ways. If you decide to stay together, it's a possibility that down the road you find that desire to be a parent, but you can't let him dictate that. 

To answer your question, my wife and I are overall very happy. There's the money struggles with having a neuro-divergent child with expensive therapies, but aside from that and the occasional burnout, it's pretty smooth most of the time. The most frustrating part is that our non-verbal three year old daughter can't easily tell us what she wants, needs or if she's hurt but we're working on that every day and I'm confident we'll get there. One thing we decided when she was around 2 1/2 is that she will be our only biological child so that we can focus solely on her needs as long as we have to, and if we decide down the road that we have a desire to expand our family, we will adopt an older child., or coerce/baby trap you, *Statistics in study after study show that the happiest people are single childless women.*

Why are they also the women most prone to alcoholism and suicide?, Can you give any advice on building your village?, I’m so sorry it’s been so hard.  That’s especially tough when there are limited resources, both financial and emotional.  You are a good parent, doing what you can and putting your kid first.  Society doesn’t make it any easier. Are there other services available in your area, to support low income parents, for example?, I’m incredibly sorry for your experience, could she qualify for TERFA or low income Medicaid? That could help with the gap in healthcare coverage. Also with Medicaid, if she’s having feeding difficulties, a doctor could prescribe her nutritional shakes, and hopefully that could free up some income for your needs as well., Very similar situation here. 

There are definitely times that I find myself wishing things were easier. But how do I know that having an NT kid would solve all of my problems? right now things are easier with the little one, but that could change in the future.

The bottom line is that it’s hard to have kids. Whether or not they are autistic, or born with some rare illness, or completely healthy and NT, it is just hard., Yeah I'm also very happy with my autistic and intellectually disabled daughter, she is a delight.  I know I'm lucky she doesn't have many behavioural issues that are really hard to deal with that I see a lot of parents vent about here.

I really feel for those parents.  The ones who aren't getting any sleep, who get hit by their child and deal with constant screaming.  I feel bad for the poor kid too who is obviously struggling to live in a world that can be physically painful for them if they have sensory issues etc.

But my daughter is happy, and that's all I ask for. 

I wrote a post about my daughter here:

https://www.reddit.com/r/Parenting/s/ghYOcewxqr, I love this. I feel the same way. I said to my partner if I had to re-live the same decade of my life over and over it would be the birth to 10 years of my kids. No question., I didn’t consider autism was something that would happen. I thought it happens when you gave a baby in your 40s not 27. I was an idiot. If I’d have known then what I know now I wouldn’t have had any even my probably NT one. It’s not worth it. It’s not a life I wanted to give my child. He has no future, nothing to look forward to. There’s no point to my life either., This.

I see a lot of ""very happy"" and ""wouldn't change a single thing"" replies so far, but the fact you guys are here already says a lot., I actually relate to this a lot.  Maybe not every detail, but mourning what could have been - missing my life before having a child - those are all huge for me these days.  My son is 2.5 years old and we're just now starting on this path together, maybe I'll feel different down the road.  But it's hard right now., I agree, I mourn my old life, freedom to do as I pleased, no worries and the future to look forward to, getting up when I want to, having a job and money, not having to attend meetings at school and having to jump through hoops given to me by people I have little respect for, being threatened that my kid isn't welcome at the school unless he shapes up. The list is endless. Sometimes my life feels so joyless. I think staying childless would've be far better. I didn't suffer any miscarriages nd I'm sorry for what you've been through. My son was born extremely premature and that's when my life went pear shaped., This. 

I have two autistic children and one NT. Oldest is NT and the middle child- we didn’t even know it was autism until I was already pregnant with the 3rd. Had I known that it was autism and that it’s very likely future children could have it, I would absolutely 100% not have had a 3rd child or even the 2nd one knowing it is likely genetic. The third child is severe and I am a caregiver for him. I have no life. 

Op, I didn’t want a 3rd kid. I told my spouse after the second child that I couldn’t handle another child like her and that I would end up in a looney bin if we had another like her. He just kept saying it’s not going to happen over and over and I gave in. Well guess what? Now I’m a caregiver and the third child is 10x worse. Are you prepared to become a caregiver or listening to possible screaming all day long, not being able to go anywhere, spending all your days driving your kid to back to back therapies? What if you and your man split? Are you prepared to be taking care of a child like that alone? It’s a lot of things to consider and I WISH someone would have given me the harsh reality heads up like you are getting on here. Do I love my kids? Absolutely. They are my kids, I created them. But I’m not going to sit here and lie and say oh it’s so great just take the chance. 

The thing I feel most guilty about is my NT child missing out on so many life experiences bc we have had to leave or avoid things due to the autistic children and their needs. I try so hard to do special things for my oldest when I can and she is so understanding but I feel like such a shitty parent or like I’ve almost ruined her growing up experience 😞

My spouse always said, if we have another I’ll help, I’ll promise I’ll help. He doesn’t help. It’s all on me all the time. He works and brings in the money so that’s all he thinks he needs to contribute. He goes out with friends and does his thing and I’m stuck home with the kids. There are many mommas like me. I don’t want you to be one of them if you don’t need to be. Really take time and think about what YOU want., r/regretfulparents is a good place for support and venting without judgement., Also it stopped being ""cute"" once they hit puberty and being stronger than their parents., This experience varies widely depending where on the spectrum your kid is. My sons 5 not conversational has tons of energy and impulse issues and we do things like social skills group that leave my scratching my head why some of the kids there are in therapy. 
All kids have challenges, some autistic kids are more challenging than others., To answer the rest of your question - we had a second child right when we realized son might be autistic and we started receiving services. I do carry some guilt that his baby sister sometimes has to play second fiddle bc of his needs. I try my hardest to schedule his therapies around when they won’t impact her schedule, but know this will get harder as she gets older and has her own commitments. 

My husband and I are still obsessed w eachother! We’re both tired and done some days, but o think that would happen w any toddler and baby to care for. 

Yesterday my son had a huge freak out at the library and it ended w us both crying on the way home. But that’s an exception, not the rule. 95% of the time we do all the things we want to do and he can hang and enjoys it. And if he can’t, that’s okay and we go with the flow., We've had night terrors, days where one is sreaming the whole day, days I sat and cried with my kids because I can't and they can't.. it's not all roses. I'm still glad I chose it., 💯!, Hey thanks for that brushing hair countdown tip! Why didn’t I ever think of that! Lol! My ASD 9yr old girl HATES having her hair brushed due to sensory but she LOVES timers and countdowns! This is going to be a huge game changer., And of course only if YOU want to and YOU would be happy if you did. My babies mean a lot to me and make me really happy despite the challenges I face. I would do anything for them and I’m happy I get to see their little faces everyday, Same- I always wanted one but it didn’t happen and I gave up that dream. Then it happened!, Lmao . Funny how you easily take accountability for having a child when you shouldn’t have but don’t seem to take accountability for addressing your mental health while being a parent. BP requires consistency of self care and routine just like ASD, and as someone with a similar situation it’s irritating hearing your excuses., I would love to see the actual statistics to back up your statement., Sorry, but I don't believe that at all. They will need a much larger sample size to convince me women are happiest when they go against their instinctive maternal nature.  

I know many older women who have regrets choosing their career over a family., Right. Shit gets to be a lot some days but at the end of the day I just wanna hold him when he’s asleep and stare at him. Genuinely love him more than life. He’s a lot. But he’s mine., This rings so true!! Well stated. I wish I could get my point across as eloquently., My tiny is 4yrs old and even with the chaos at times, I could stay here forever. We sit together and put marble run mazes all over the living room. We both love setting them up. And legos. And drawing. And bike rides. She’s my little bestie. 
To answer OP, nothing is ever the same, but not in a bad way., Hi,
Yeah autism is often said to be the result of having “older parents”, which I am, but I’ve heard of plenty of twenty somethings who have children on the spectrum, so more likely it runs in families.

I am learning how to get better at my own stress management, but it will take work.

Do you get any help at all? You both have futures, I know it’s hard to think, but you can help your child and yourself. :), Relatable. I often feel like I’m not cut out for this., wanting support and community doesn’t mean that you’re unhappy. It’s fine for the group to have room for both!, LOL I see some sour grapes here. I can be very happy and also sometimes want to ask a question to people who have hit the same issue before., Does it? Getting and giving advice about unique kids means we are miserable?, How does finding a relatable and helpful community = unhappy?? It’s like joining a planting club. You can be friends and socialize at the club meetings AND provide insight on why my plant isn’t growing. Maybe it needs shade when I’ve only been giving it sunlight., It's a parenting advice sub Reddit. If you are on a gardening subreddit it's not just because you woke up to day of the triffids., I just think it's feeling like you have to say the ""right thing"". Even here.

I also think plenty of people use ""happy"" instead of ""content"", which I could buy., I'm trying to stay positive since 2-5 are some of the hardest years but it's not a guarantee my son will make progress - which is something I have to emotionally prepare for, Here's a sneak peek of /r/regretfulparents using the [top posts](https://np.reddit.com/r/regretfulparents/top/?sort=top&t=year) of the year!

\#1: [The painful realisation that I could be living my childfree friend's life if I didn't give in to marriage and kids. I miss my freedom so much.](https://np.reddit.com/r/regretfulparents/comments/149u6l0/the_painful_realisation_that_i_could_be_living_my/)  
\#2: [I FINALLY exploded on my mother for her constantly badgering me to have a baby.](https://np.reddit.com/r/regretfulparents/comments/14kjsnw/i_finally_exploded_on_my_mother_for_her/)  
\#3: [This type of mental gymnastics can be so so harmful. Did you ever had to deal with a person like that in real life?](https://i.redd.it/z63r4j2jgndb1.jpg) | [113 comments](https://np.reddit.com/r/regretfulparents/comments/1575vs9/this_type_of_mental_gymnastics_can_be_so_so/)

----
^^I'm ^^a ^^bot, ^^beep ^^boop ^^| ^^Downvote ^^to ^^remove ^^| ^^[Contact](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=sneakpeekbot) ^^| ^^[Info](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/) ^^| ^^[Opt-out](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/comments/o8wk1r/blacklist_ix/) ^^| ^^[GitHub](https://github.com/ghnr/sneakpeekbot), I hope it works!, It’s funny how sometimes life works out that way. I met my husband when I wasn’t looking for a relationship and here we are! So glad your dream came true :), Sure, hereya go!

[https://www.bu.edu/sph/news/articles/2023/women-without-children-at-age-35-are-at-highest-risk-of-binge-drinking-alcohol-use-disorder/](https://www.bu.edu/sph/news/articles/2023/women-without-children-at-age-35-are-at-highest-risk-of-binge-drinking-alcohol-use-disorder/)

**""Women who turned 35 in recent years, as well as women who have not had children by age 35, are the subgroups of women at highest risk of binge drinking and having alcohol use disorder (AUD) symptoms.""**

[https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamapsychiatry/article-abstract/496069](https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamapsychiatry/article-abstract/496069)

***""Women who had never married exhibited higher relative risks for suicide than married parous and married nonparous women for all age groups younger than 65 years at the start of follow-up.""***

***""Among the married, the parous women had lower relative risks than nonparous women for all ages.""***, I get quite a bit of help actually but unless something will make it go away then honestly it just feels like all our lives are over. Nothing can make it better., If not then this happy parent will bounce, LOL, Have I ever been happy? No. Does my daughter make me more happy? Yes., I appreciate you providing the proof for your statements, but if you read the whole papers that these come from, there is much more nuance than your statement suggests. 

This still doesn't mean that you should allow anyone to push you into having kids., Maybe the ones who make it to 65 are happiest?  I imagine societal pressure is strongest at younger ages, and less and less people give a shit as they get older., I’m sure the happiest single people are between the ages of 18-25, Valid, I am. I mean, it’s hard. Not gonna lie. But my thought is that life is usually hard in one way or another and though I’m not autistic I am totally blind so I’m no stranger to finding my own way through the rough timres., I’m so unhealthily stressed it’s insane. I love my son but this life isn’t for the faint of heart., The one thing no one has said, but I think is more important than anything else; if you don't want kids, please, please, please don't let anyone talk you into, bully, or shame you into having kids. 

There is absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting kids or deciding it's just not what you want for your life no matter what the reason is. 

Statistics in study after study show that the happiest people are single childless women., I’m happy, but more stressed than I would be if my son wasn’t autistic. I have 2 kids 5 and 7. 

My 5 year old is verbal but not conversational. It’s been a long road of getting kicked out of daycare, scrambling for childcare during school vacations, getting calls from teachers. That stuff is all what gets me stressed more than my actual kid. The rat race of it all. Never ending therapies and appointments. Everything is just harder like doctor appointments. People constantly trying to figure him out when in public. 

My 7 year old is typical. We live a pretty “normal” life. My older son plays lots of sports. My ASD one is easy going places. We do the movies, trampoline park, went to Disney. He goes to his brothers games. We go to the beach and pool, go on vacation, stay in hotels, fly on planes. No issues. Everything is pretty typical except the language delay. I think if that could catch up life would get a lot easier. I work from home which helps but I can’t have calls when my sons home. Even though he’s almost 6 I can’t tell him to be quiet while moms on the phone he doesn’t understand. 

My son isn’t interested in peers but that part doesn’t bother me. My older one is extremely social so we get that experience. Me and my husband are introverted so are more in line with my ASD son than the older one. 

I’m constantly burned out but not just because autism. I work full time and my husband has a crazy work schedule, we don’t have much family help, 2 kids therapy and sports  schedules, I’m in the middle of taking the cpa exam. Life’s just always crazy, but I know that my kids are my purpose and do it all for them 


I wouldn’t change it for a thing though, I love my guy., Autistic solo parent as well. If I didn’t have the resources to hire help I’d likely be depressed. I bought my village and it’s worth every damn penny., I have moments of pure joy. One of them was today. My son and I spent two hours playing at the ocean and on the forest trails. That was a happy time. During that time I was not burnt out or overstimulated. These moments don’t happen everyday but when they do, they have a way of balancing the rest., I might be a much needed person on the other side of the grass, but I'm incredibly unhappy. I have depression and due to my job, insurance isn't readily consistent, so I can't get therapy or medication, so I'm boarding alcoholic so I don't kms. I'm also autistic and the loud  noises my daughter makes triggers me, I don't like that it's hard for me to stim around her, she's too needy and requires attention that's hard for me because I often disassociate. She's low functioning.  She affects my sleeping and eating routines to cater to her. I have limited income, and we have differing pallets. So almost all my food money goes to her food, often leaving me for days without eating regularly. 

 My daughter is lovely, but society is not. The stress of what will happen to my daughter if I die. The stress of constant therapy, not being able to participate normally in activities like Christmas, halloween, and Easter due to my daughter sensory issues and tantrums. Not being able to talk to her. She can't  tell me she loves me or gives me affirmation. She cant tell me im doing a good job.  Constantly feeling like a failure as a parent.

I'm straight up miserable. I wouldn't wish my life on anyone. I lowkey gave up on my life, but I try to give my daughter everything I can. She's lowkey spoiled because I know life will be hard for her. And if I knew it would be this hard, I would've never had her. My life was 100% easier without a kid (asd or not). I find being autistic makes parenting a bit harder. I dont like how people will treat her in public when she stims or needs extra support. It stresses me out. Not for me but for her. I love her so fkn much im ashamed I brought her here. I wish our society was kinder to disabled people and kinder to parents., Yes I m very happy! My husband and I make lots of time after our kids go to bed for sex and emotional connection/conversation/quality time so we have a good relationship. I’m the primary caretaker of our 5yo (ASD) and 1yo (typical appearing). We have been extremely luckily that our son is a happy little boy. He’s nonverbal but for the most part he’s really chill. We follow his routine and he’s happy as can be. Lots of hugs, eye contact, face smushing, snuggling. He communicates as best he can and I can usually understand and my husband can usually figure it out 60-70% of the time. We do some “typical” family things like go to all inclusive night at our local museum, family photos, go trick or treating, go to the park. He tends to stress out if it’s too out of the ordinary like someone’s house or a restaurant so we don’t do that but we also have a literal baby lol. We live happily in our bubble. We love our kids. And more importantly we like them and their personalities.

Edited to add: I often get overstimulated but that’s where we communicate hey I need to tap out., Autistic single parent with level 2-3 autistic toddler. Like any aspect of life, there are ups and downs, but I can’t imagine my life without this kid. There are struggles but my overall quality of life and life enjoyment increased exponentially. It is the adventure of a lifetime 🌈❣️, No, I’m not happy. It’s been hell. I love my kids, but if I could make my older son be low support needs/verbal autistic or even NT, I would do it in a second.

But all I can do is my best and try to build superhuman patience., I am but my kid is 9 now and it has gotten a lot easier within the past year., Nope., Yes, very happy. People post when they have stuff to complain about. I spent all day on Sunday with my little dude. We spent a ton of the lay laughing and just joking around in our own distinctive way. It was a great day and nothing out of the ordinary. I didn't post about it because...well, why would I?, Honestly, I feel bipolar with how up and down everything is. A lot of times I'll say ""I hate my life"" but it's really a shorthand for ""I hate that this is currently my life"". I mourn the life I used to have, and sometimes I regret insisting to my husband that we should try for kid(s). I think about the life I could have had were it not for my miscarriages - would I still have had an autistic child? I don't know, and I probably need professional help to work through my losses (regarding the miscarriages, the life I could have had, the ""normal"" life my autistic child could have had, etc.). 

I'm still able to find joy in smaller moments and try to look forward to things in the future - just trying to survive this season of life., Had I seen this question a few days ago or maybe even a few days from now and I would have given you a different response, but no. Absolutely not.

I really wish I wasn't his mother. I love him so much but I wish he wasn't mine. Someone else could probably be a much better parent than me. It is just a feeling of constant failure no matter how hard I try it's never enough. I know it's not fair to him but I'm starting to resent him. And I hate myself for it. I hate that the only way he pays me any attention is if I bark at him like a drill Sargent. I hate doing it but if I don't then he is just 100% feral. We can't go to the park. He has no sense of danger and it hurts so much seeing kids so much younger than him just miles and miles ahead of him. I don't feel like a parent, I feel like a keeper.


Edit about 24 hours later:

I debated about deleting this comment due to the pure shame I feel about having written it. I'm going to leave it up because I want others who might feel like I did yesterday to read this part too:

I was able to get a good night sleep, and so was he. His behavior isn't really that much different than when I wrote the comment,but my tolerance threshold is much higher now that I've had some time to sleep. I was overjoyed earlier today because he finally wore his ear defenders outside and he was able to play while the neighbor mowed his yard. He bamboozled me today by putting on his boots and picking up his tablet and a blanket. I picked up the keys thinking he was asking for a car ride but he ended up taking me outside because he wanted to nap on the neighbors trampoline snugged up with me. I melted. 


I still feel awful and ashamed for saying I didn't want to be his mother anymore, but even when I had that on my mind the fact that I love him more than anything never changes., No. And I realize that others here have it worse but I fantasize about not having to deal with the constant daily challenges. I feel trapped because I don’t believe I could ever leave. She’s 8 now. And I’m not sure if or when or how she’ll be able to be an adult and able to live on her own. She’s been kicked out of 3 schools, has lost me multiple childhood friends, lost my friendship with my best man in my wedding, created rifts with close family. There’s no babysitter we can find who lasts so my wife and I rarely get a night to ourselves. She sleeps like an adult and I have to drag her out of bed every morning just so that she goes to sleep before 11pm. If I don’t let her do what she wants she screams, calls me the worst names, says she hates me. And I’m paying $1k a month for her therapy.

I wish someone would’ve told me there was a possibility that this could be my life. I thought that because I worked hard in school, got a good education, great career, high income, work from home, that I could be happy. And yet this is my life., We have a 18 YO NT Daughter at College, 16 YO NTish Son at Junior College & a ASD 3 almost 3 year old who is pre-verbal (knows 12 words now).

I would define our life as very “Complex” our normal looks very different then most people but we are happy. Tons of therapy and as an example we just had our first movie out in 3 years while LO was in ABA.

But he is so very Awesome. Like anything in life the world is ultimately what you make of it. Personal clarity is really the root of happiness., Honestly speaking, having an autistic kid is very hard on  the parents. After my daughter was diagnosed, my life turned upside down. I couldn't go back to work because she is severe. Someone has to take care of her or look after her. She is 5 years old. My husband works full time, and he has financial responsibilities, so he can not help me out all the time. So, now, I am stuck with her, and I don't have a choice. No babysitter or daycare wants to deal with her because she is extremely aggressive at times. My life sucks!!! I cannot work, I cannot go out when she is home (unless my husband is watching her) I cannot have time to myself because she is clingy and wants attention or food all the time. I have become a prisoner in my own home!!! 
She is completely non-verbal and has extreme sensory issues. Respite care is only 20 hours per month in the state I am in. Most respite care providers lack staff to even give you a break. Honestly, I hate my life, I regret everything. I regret getting married. I regret having my daughter. If I could go back in time and change it, I would. I am just so burned out and so fed up that at times, I don't want to deal with it at all, but I don't have a choice. I miss my old life..so, think before you make that decision...life is not going to be easy if you have an autistic child., If you’re having questions like this without kids don’t have them. Simple blunt and to the point., I love my son - not any more or less because his autism. I love him because he's him. His Autism is a DISABILITY  but does not define who he is as a person.

I absolutely hate his Autism. My son is level 3, pre-verbal but in actuality still predominantly non-verbal. Autism is parenting on EXTREMELY HARD mode. Some people will sugar coat the shit out of it but trust, it's not for the faint of heart. Don't let tik tok, Pinterest, Facebook and this other social media fool you. Autism isn't a cute quirk, or a different type of brain wiring. It's a disability that requires, for some families, an insane amount of resources and time. 

If you know you may possibly be autistic, have autism in either of your families then think long and hard about having biological children. It's ""cute"" when it's a 2 minute tik tok or a gushy validation seeking Facebook or even reddit post but when you're looking in the face of a person you love most in the world, who you chose to bring in this world and KNOW they will struggle more than a person who is not disabled it's not so cute. It's not so quirky. It's not AUSOME 🙄. It's more often than not heartbreaking.

Not coming for you, just giving you a perspective from a mother who loves her son more than her next breath but  if I would have known my son would be disabled I would have never ever offered him up to this world. He deserves so much better than what life has in store for him.

Much love., Omg I love my life and my son with autism is one of (if not THE) best part of it. I think jt comes from a partial place of privilege bc we’re dealing w mostly not huge “challenges” rn speech delay and lack of interest in peers. He’s 3 and I know things will be harder as he grows and little kid problems grow into big kid problems. But my day to day life is made better everyday from my son. Nothing makes me happier than seeing him happy and helping to contribute to whatever he’s super interested at the moment (rn it’s letters/the alphabet). Even today I can easily say the highlight was a new alphabet book I got him arriving and him screaming w happiness and kissing the book saying “so happy” after he finished looking through it each time., Wouldnt say happy. But i wouldnt say its because of my daughter either. I just had a child too young and the lack of resources and financing (i make a decent salary for my age but insufficient for where i live). Having children is to sign up for stress, anxiety, depression, etc. to at least some degree. 

The grass is never greener on the other side. 

I dont know what life would be like without her because shes here. And I wouldnt want a world without her. Even if i regret how/when/with whom i brought her into this world., You could ask this same question on a general parenting group and you would find the same varied replies. Not all autistic kids are the same with support needs and not all parents and sibling dynamics are the same. People are going to have drastically different experiences. Also, most people who are happy don’t go posting about being so happy. So you are only going to see venting. I would say the answer is it’s highly dependent on your personality, your kid, financial resources for help, a village to help, etc., Honestly, this is the wrong few weeks to ask me this. So as of right now? no 

There are *things* that make me happy, but on the whole? No., Apologies, I’m about to be the outlier here. And sorry this is long! 

At the moment, no, I’m not happy. My husband and I are pretty stressed out and have been since our daughter was born five years ago. She was only one when the pandemic started so we had the added stressor of trying to keep the baby and ourselves from catching covid. She would have gotten diagnosed earlier if not for the pandemic (for a variety of reasons, including *we had no idea that her behavior wasn’t typical* until she was about three years old, because we were pretty isolated, because stupid pandemic). We thought it was just the terrible twos until we saw what NT three year olds were like and realized something was off. 

We might be in a happier place now if Covid hadn’t happened, ha. The irony is that with pandemic plus a very needy baby at the time, we decided not to have any more kids…but our kid would probably do well with a younger sibling, and it would take some of the pressure off us to have to play with her all the time. 

As of now we can’t go out to eat at restaurants or do normal family things because our kid is kind of a nightmare when I’m around. Pretty sure she masks around everyone who isn’t me, so I see all the less than stellar behavior. She and her dad can go out and do stuff. She and I can’t. She runs away from me, doesn’t listen, screams at me, etc. ABA helps somewhat but not enough that we can do typical family things. 

My advice on having a kid: you should only have one if you absolutely want to!! I 100 percent wanted a child, had IVF to have her, and it’s currently not going as I had hoped (and that’s an understatement). I do have hope for the future, having read others’ stories here about their kids mellowing out as they get older.

You never, ever know what you’re going to get with a child. Having one is such a crapshoot. Usually it turns out okay. Sometimes it doesn’t. You have to be prepared for the unknown and okay with things not turning out how you hoped., My kid is the sweetest kid ever and my favorite person in the entire world. He makes me want to live forever to be there for him. My unhappiness is due to my own mental health, I probably should not have become a mom until I got that in check, but I am, and I have to be better for him., i’m really happy, but my daughter is also low support needs and really only struggles with social skills and is still quite far behind verbally. she’s naturally pleasant and easy going, and she doesn’t display any “extreme” behaviours, so this is probably contributing to my level of happiness. i am sure i would be absolutely crazy about her no matter her level of support needs, but we definitely have it pretty easy when it comes to parenting an autistic child., My son is 5 years old, level 3, and nonverbal. He's the love of my life and I'm extremely happy. I would do anything for him. Realizing that he was autistic finally made me apply myself, I now have a job with good insurance that pays for his ABA at 90% (plus HSA funds for the rest). I've earned two degrees in order to switch careers because I know he'll have high needs throughout his lifetime. That being said, of course the isolation, destructive behaviors, sleep disturbances, and communication difficulties add stress on top of having plenty of stressors in my life already. I do have to vent sometimes, being a parent of a child with his needs isn't for the faint of heart. I don't know anyone IRL who would understand what I'm going through so sometimes I have to whine online., So I can say as a parent of a Kid that has Level 1 and Auditory Processing Disorder.  I wouldn't want him to have kids.  The likely hood that his children would have Level 2 or Level 3 is highly likely.  He's got it bad enough i couldn't imagine having children knowing that they would have it harder than you.  I just don't think it's worth it and it's not fair to the child., The experiences are going to vary widely, but I think the most important thing here is that you are trying to find any sliver of hope to convince yourself to have kids. I think you were clear in your other thread that your boyfriend is the primary motivation behind this. 


I'll be blunt: even now, women tend to do the lion's share of childrearing and housekeeping. In a divorce, fathers tend to fare better than mothers, even years down the line. If you have a disabled child, there's a very real possibility it will impact your ability to work. About 50% of us can't work, myself included. 


These are very real, serious things you need to think about. 


I will be taking care of my children forever, of that there's no doubt. Had I known my husband was autistic, had I suspected I was, we wouldn't have had children. 


Because - it's not fair to bring a child into the world who will always depend on you. It just isn't. If we lived in an ideal world where public education was actually funded and many of us didn't have to homeschool, if group homes were adequately staffed and funded, etc., it would be a different story. But what we're seeing now will still probably be a battle decades from now.  


I love my kids. We have happy moments. My 9 year old can now do a lot more, but he will always need help. But my youngest will be 7 this year and it's becoming increasingly obvious how much more severe his autism is. He's leashed everywhere we go and we don't live a normal life with him. 


I am isolated a lot. It has absolutely taken a toll on my marriage. We spend some evenings together after the kids are in bed, but as the youngest gets up and down, there's always interruptions. We don't have a baby-sitter. 


I have good relationships with my kids - but make no mistake, there is no ""me"" anymore. I have about 7-10 hours a week to myself. That includes showering time. 


This is a very hard life. It'll probably impact you more than a boyfriend or husband. Think long and hard. , I’m definitely happy. My daughter is 20 and nonverbal. She is the happiest and sweetest person alive. It’s not without struggle of course. She’ll never be independent and I’m caretaking far longer than I would have ever imagined. Still I feel so grateful for her. She’s such an innocent and gentle soul. I can’t imagine having missed out on her. I take her out to fine dining places routinely and last year she went to her first live concert and to Disney World. All this took work over years to get here, but sharing these moments with her finally is an indescribable joy. 

That said, we have considerable privilege in that I work from home and my career pays very well. Money is not a concern. Im healthy and young. 

I’m entirely self made and a single parent so I also know the other side of it. This life is easier when you have resources and support and no other significant stressors. But I would say the same thing of having children in general. There just are no guarantees. Typical kids can be physically ill, malicious, destructive, unlikeable, violent or any number of other things., The hardest part about parenting to me is not having any family support. My kids, one is autistic and the other probably neurodivergent in other ways (in the process of evaluating him), are actually quite amazing. Yes, there are hard phases and moments. My hardest moment so far has been the transition to elementary school because my autistic son struggled to regulate his emotions when things got difficult for him. Now that we adjusted his IEP, he enjoys school. 

But I’ve never spent more that a couple nights away from my kids and they’ve never gone a night away from being with me or their dad. The few times they’ve been away from me was when I couldn’t go to my in laws house out of stateso they left with their dad (my hubby). So that part has been hard too, family doesn’t really help daily. They don’t offer sleepovers and my mom always made excuses about it, until I just stopped asking., I am autistic and a parent. I am beyond happy. Most of my life I was so depressed and anxious and burnt out. My husband and my kids changed and saved my life. Still tired but my husband is an awesome stay at home dad retired from the military I work swing shifts 5 nights a week. We have an awesome relationship we had kids after 10 years together. We have one child with ASD and one NT. 18 months away from the youngest starting school and then we will have school days together to ourselves, No. The intense stress is literally killing me. My health keeps deteriorating in new and fun ways, I never know what’s next., My wife and I are both professionals with advanced degrees. Our son was born back in 2017 and he's the sweetest boy you'll ever meet. We decided having additional bio children wasn't for us just because of how hard the pregnancy was. In July we adopted a baby girl.

My son got a tonsillectomy today and has spent the past 3 hours post-op screaming at us and not drinking.

Do I wish certain things were easier (for him and for me)? Of course. Anyone who says ""they wouldn't change a thing"" is painting that overly rosy picture to try and convince themselves. But there has not been a single day in his life that I have ever wished he wasn't here.

Your question tho was ""are you happy with your lives?"". Having a neurodivervent child is harder on your marriage, your personal life and your work life. But I am absolutely happy with my life. My answer would probably be different if I had to stay home all day as the primary care taker because I've found I need to work if even for my own sanity and feeling of self-worth. 

Whether it's something you'd be happy with is ultimately up to you, but I genuinely wish you the best of luck and thank you for your post. Seeing adults with autism having these kinds of debates give everyone of us grinding daily tasks that are harder than they should be hope for their future., I’m happy sometimes?  And not happy other times?  At this point, it’s not really because of the kids, though young children are A LOT, regardless of neurotype. 

Really, I would say I am satisfied and content. If I didn’t have kids I could not have fun infodumping about Pokemon with them and watching them see things I love to do for the first time with happy excitement. It’s really cool. But they’re still people. And so you have to be realistic., I have a very close relationship with my son, he cried so much as a baby and I found inventive ways to soothe him and therefore we developed such a close bond. He’s very cuddly and loving. We do most of the things NT families do, dinners vacations, parks, hikes. We just put probably a little more planning into it than NT families, making sure they have food that he likes, things like that, plan b for I’d things don’t work out. Stuff like that. It’s gotten easier as he’s gotten older and more mature. He’s also very funny and artistic. I don’t thinks I’d change a thing. I have NT kids too and they all have their own challenges that make parenting hard too. I don’t think having NT kids guarantees smooth sailing either. If anything I worry less about his problems with academia and behaviors because I understand him ajd his struggles more than NT kids who just lack motivation or are acting out., No. I have moments of happiness but they’re always tinged with sadness., "" I want to want a kid so badly.""

You don't want kids! You should tell your boyfriend that in very clear terms. Don't have kids because you think you should. 

I have three kids I always wanted to badly and I'm still drained and resentful a lot of the time. Even neurotypical kids are SO MUCH WORK. I'm not minimizing how much work it is to have an autistic kid - but neurotypical kids still don't sleep through the night, go on food strike, poop their pants, throw a huge tantrum about an iPad, etc. It's so tiring even on good days and I can't imagine doing this if it wasn't something I wanted deeply., I am absolutely happy with my life. My autistic kid is actually my easier one! My frustrations are with the world and how it fails to accommodate him — not my kid who is a total delight and surprises me all the time., Nope. 35 m with a son with ASD and likely ADHD and another son who seems to have avoided both. Constantly burned out, overstressed, irritable. Love my kids, and we're doing our best, but happiness feels a long way off., Yes overall.  Most of things I find hardest about our life are more to do with my son’s comorbidities like his epilepsy and disability.  My boy is generally a sweet easy going boy who loves cuddles and tries his best (well most of the time lol).  We also have a typical 3 year old and that is part of our happiness because we can do a  lot of things we envisioned with her and sometimes our boy is able join.  Do I wish things were different with him? Yes, but that doesn’t mean I regret having him.  I love him.  I like him as a little person.  I don’t mind this alternate path a lot of the time., I have a really hard time keeping my house clean but honestly that’s my biggest complaint so I think we are doing AOk and I’m very happy! Our daughter is really flourishing this year - she’s 7 and she just starting wanting to have conversations, she ditched her headphones and has been dressing herself and we’ve had zero accidents! There’s definitely really hard periods but that is life in general, sometimes it sucks, sometimes it’s wonderful lol, I mean, I’m not depressed. Do I wish things were different, yes. But I’m not necessarily unhappy., I have 2 kids, 4 and 2; my 4 year old was diagnosed with autism about a year ago. He’s verbal and “high functioning”, but there are still things we have to work on and cause stress. I’m in my early 40’s, female, and while not diagnosed, I (and my parents) suspect I’m on the spectrum. My son’s temperament, the way his autism presents is so similar to me as a small child. My whole life has felt like a struggle; relationships, work/career specifically, my mental health. I still struggle a lot of with anxiety and depression and was terrified to have children but wanted them so I gave it a shot (made me anxious, I can’t lie). I can say without a doubt motherhood is the best thing that ever happened to me. It’s not easy all the time, but they, these two little humans and their personalities, bring me more joy and happiness than anything life has ever brought me. It feels like a gift to be a parent, in my experience. Many days are hard, I’m a full time working mother so scrambling to meet deadlines while getting my son to appts, ABA, etc, is rough, but my husband is very hands on and other family members nearby have been a support system for us. I know not everyone has that but it is a huge help., Not just that your child could be autistic also consider how you as an autistic would handle any child regardless of neurotype. Kids are an around the clock job. They are loud, they are messy, they need attention even if you are in burnout. They make noise when you need some quiet. They have smells and messy diapers. There’s 0 days of bed rotting allowed and you have way more pressure to be organized and put together and everything cleaned and remember stuff like their appts and school things etc. It’s alotttttttt….

Comparison is the thief of joy. I try not to think what my friends with NT kids are doing because their reality is diff. Their kids are eating a variety of food, they’re not hitting themselves in the head, they’re not melting down over basic things, they’re not in some autonomy struggle where a time out or counting to 3 isn’t effective at stopping negative behavior. And it is isolating to not have people to talk to that don’t offer useless suggestions because they don’t understand., Hi, turns out my husband and I are both on the spectrum, we went into it thinking it was just him (adhd was my dx)

There are hard parts, for sure. I can't say how your experience will be. I can tell you my children are happy, and most weeks so are we. We can go to festivals on the lake, big outdoor concerts, a whole bunch of things. We can't go to a indoor restaurant as a family, the din is too much.
 It's stuff like that; you just have to plan around yourselves and your kids. My kids might have different needs than yours. But I just wanted to chime in and say it can be fun, happy, and rewarding. 

My husband almost never smiled. He didn't really get into much that wasn't his interests. I can't explain to you the joy our children have shown on his face and in his day to day. It's crazy sweet to witness.

That said; agree with other comments. If you don't want kids please don't feel pressured. You get what you get and they need from you in a way that can be hard to manage., I wouldn't change my life for anything. My children give me purpose.
Yes, I'm overwhelmed, so so overwhelmed and burnt out but I love being a parent and I love their quirks and watching them both stim.
I just hope it gets easier managing 2 autistic children who have totally different needs.
I don't have a village to help me, I do 99% alone apart from school. The oldest doesn't sleep good.

If you are unsure about kids then don't let anyone try and talk you into it. Consider what you'd be giving up, make sure your partner is good with kids and especially clued up on potentially having an autistic child (or more than one).
Talk about how you'd raise the child, what values and ideals you want to teach them, parenting goals etc.
The mental load is also something to consider. Does your partner contribute to that now? Because if not it only gets worse when you have children.
I separated before my 2nd was even born because I wouldn't settle for a deadbeat., Firstly- I 1000% agree with prior post. If you don’t have a deep yearning for children, don’t have them. 
Second- my life has many happy moments. It also has many moments of despair. There are times when I feel weighed down by a thousand responsibilities. 
Third- don’t have kids unless you are 100% ready to deal with the consequences of a very low functioning child. My husband and I both know autistic kids from prior relationships. We both love our sons desperately, but it’s not a life I would volunteer for anyone. 
Fourth- it doesn’t end at 18. Are you willing to have a life often dictated by what your child can do? Are you prepared for the financial consequences?

If I had known beforehand that I would have an autistic child, then I would have adopted. I love my son, and that is part of the problem. I can’t protect him from the world. I can only support him. His life will always be a struggle, and that is not a life I would choose for a child, I'm very happy with my life. I was dx with autism the same time as my son. He is my world, and I love him so much that I'm having another in June. I don't even think about our dx most of the time. It's just a part of who we are. My family does better at life than most neurotypical people, so who the hell is anyone to judge me for living my best life?, I'm happy! I had and have problems and stressors, but none of it has outweighed my natural optimism and all the great things my life. And for the past three years, my daughter has been a big part of (both parts of) that. 

Is it a lot of work to keep up on all her therapies? You betcha. But all kids are a lot of work, so that was a given going into this. I have an extra workload, but I was never going to not be busy and tired as a late 40s single parent. 

Do I worry about her future? Absolutely. But I'm also very aware that I have it easier than most - she's very chill, fairly adaptive, and very smart. Happy and bouncing all around like a gummi bear. And once I knew she had receptive language, I was able to unclench. If she's never truly verbal (which her therapists do think she will be), we'll figure it out. She gets her messages across very clearly right now (and I'm basically deaf to body language or gestures, so she has to be broadcasting VERY LOUDLY), and we haven't even gotten to writing or an AAC yet. 

This weekend, we're heading off to Mexico on vacation for two weeks. Last year we went to Disney World. We don't get out nearly enough in general, but that's me being a lazy hermit, not her not wanting to. We go to the playground. The Please Touch Museum. Local fairs and theme parks. Play in the snow. There are places I can't take her (indoor malls, mostly), and things she can't do (fireworks, for instance, or parades). and places that used to be hard to take her but aren't anymore (out for meals springs to mind), but that doesn't mean we're trapped at home., Not happy. Don't have kids., Yes. While kids may be harder some days than others, we live a very peaceful, happy life as a family unit. Both hubby and I find time to pursue our hobbies and even do date nights once a month.

That said, 3-4 were really the hell years for our oldest, and things were bleak at that point., I am incredibly happy. 3 kids, 2 with autism, and a husband that works away from home all week long. It’s hard, sometimes I feel like I’m going to lose my mind, but I wouldn’t change a single thing., I have two autistic kids, one of which also has ADHD. I'm diagnosed ADHD and suspect autistic as well.  Our lives are good.  We do have some challenges that NT families don't, but the way I see it, all families will have different challenges. We do things that work for our family.  Sometimes that means skipping experiences, or different methods of doing things, or needing extra support, and that's OK.  I wouldn't trade my kids for the world. I have posted about struggles in harder times, but it's not that I resent or regret my kids, it's that I know there are people who will understand without judgment., My happiness (joy) does not come from having my children or their fluctuating levels of difficulty. Don't get me wrong - I greatly enjoy my children and I also face many frustrating circumstances with them too. They are a huge source of joy and love in my life, and I'd like to think more so than a source of heartache and frustration.

But I went many years without knowing two of my children and myself are likely on the spectrum (we are not professionally diagnosed yet) and while it's been very helpful in developing patience, understanding, and grace - both with myself and my kids - it has not been the make-or-break factor in determining how my life is going to go. 

Much of the big changes to living a happier, healthier life have been spiritual for me. I know not everyone will agree with me and that's okay. You don't have to. My greatest source of joy is my relationship with Jesus Christ. Everything has gotten better and easier to handle once I trusted in Him. It has put us in contact with mentors and people that are like family to us that are guiding us on this journey (and they have ASD kids and relatives too!).

A lot of this growth has come with mindset changes and getting rid of old beliefs I used to have about children/families that came from trauma and from growing up in a rather toxic household. (We are NC now and I have never had more peace!) Tackling these issues head on has relieved a lot of the anxiety and stress I used to have around managing kids, a house, a marriage, homeschooling, etc. The last 2 or 3 years have been the best I've ever had, and I can finally hope and believe that things are going to get even better for us still. 

But ultimately it's been a choice. Sure, there will be difficult days, stressful days, but also happy days and days to celebrate. I cannot and will not push you one way or the other about having children - that's your decision. Whatever you decide, will you choose to look for the positive or the negative in life? Because your joy will not be found *only* in children or parenting.,  I had no idea I was autistic and now I have 3 very young autistic kids. The stigmatization is very difficult and the constant advocating, standing up for your kids and proving people about your kids are exhausting. I got much more criticism from families than strangers which is very hard. I am lucky my kids appear to be level 1-2 I guess. My older son is pretty darn rigid especially at evenings but other than that he is fine., I’m happy but I do feel I’d be happier if I could communicate and connect with him more. That’s my answer., We seem to oscillate between look at us with our collective shit together and there’s been no aggressions, no one has gotten crab pinched, everyone is CHILL. Then there are times I pick him up from his dad and he bashes his head into the closed car window and usually once I get onto i95, he will unbuckle his restraints and come for my neck quite literally. My son is non speaking, but I feel I fulfill his wants and needs. He is as quick to respond in a loving manner with hugs and kisses as he is to hurt me, or his younger brother. We are his two targets when he is upset. I have remarried, years ago. My husband and son have a very special bond and my husband also just naturally has more patience than I do. He also has four of his own children with his ex wife. The man has experience. My ex husband and his wife have a bad habit of leaving our son out of family gatherings and parties. I can understand going to unfamiliar places with unfamiliar faces. But we take him to gatherings. The pool. The zoo. The park. It’s difficult though since he loves all of those places, I look like a kidnapper trying to get him to leave. 

I love my boys. I love all six of these kids. He does add a level of trickiness to things we do. We have to be vigilant as he will cut and run. I feel like since we share custody, we get a “break”. My youngest son, who as I said is a target oftentimes, does not get a break from his brother. There’s a lot of anger surrounding that. My youngest is in therapy on his own and also we do family work together. 

Some days are better than others. Sometimes I have to go hour by hour. It’s the nature of the beast. Plus he’s almost 14. Imagine being a 14 year old boy and going through puberty and feeling so confused. We explain but I honestly and say what he retains and processes. 

Don’t get depressed over what could possibly be, you’d never get very far. There’s so many variable in parenting and having a family that meshes well. It’s impossible to plan for everything. If you’re thinking this deeply about it, you’re already aware of what COULD happen. When I close my eyes and think of my Parker, I mostly see a giggly goofer with floppy hair that just wants a tickle and some seltzer water. That’s a pretty picture for me to have in my mind., You don’t.  If you do not want kids then you don’t want kids.  If he does then you two have a major incompatibility and likely need to move on to other partners who share the same life goals.   He will resent you eventually for not wanting kids and if you decide to appease him then you may resent him for pressuring you.    I know parents of neurotypical kids that are unhappy and I know parents of autistic kids who are happy with their children.   My ex has 2 autistic girls and is very happy with them.    I find my son to be challenging but not the reason for my unhappiness.  If anything he is the reason I left a horrific relationship my life may not be what I had envisioned for myself but it’s soo much better than it was before., I get told all the time what a dear my autistic child is.  He is smart (reading at 3) , social (have to rein him in) and loves to compliment people.   What I’m unhappy with has nothing to do with him.  He is my joy., Hell yeah I’m happy, Having a NT son first, before my NueroSpicy younger son ended up helping me understand this question. 
I only have boys, but BOTH of them are equally hard., >But are there any parts of your life that are genuinely good.

There are some good parts, yes. Overall I am not happy but that doesn't mean it's ALL bad.

>Are you able to do any of the normal and fun things that neurotypical families do?

Some things, yes. My autistic child is able to handle some activities really well. Strangely, she did amazing at Disneyland lol. She enjoys being in nature so we do a lot of hiking and camping. But other ""normal"" things like eating at a restaurant is usually a no-go.

>Do you have a good relationship with your child and your spouse?

I have a good relationship with each of my children. They have their moments where it's all about dad and they don't want me, but for the most part yes. My spouse is another story, though. Our relationship has definitely suffered since having children.

>Are you ever not burnt out depressed irritable and overstimulated? 

I have brief moments where I'm not irritable and overstimulated but that describes probably 90% of my life., It's ok to not want kids if you don't want them , it's your life . Live it how you want . 
I have a son with Autism and I can't lie at one point I wasn't sure if I could carry on because he was really aggressive and hurting me . BUT that was partly my fault , he can't talk but I wasn't listening . We forget there's a hundred ways to communicate. Once I learnt to watch his cues and listen to him he calmed down so much. He's so much more affectionate and he's happy ! I'm happy ! I love my life now and we work together . I just don't do things with him that other kids do but that's ok . I hated going to the park as a kid and kicking a ball and as someone without autism I love being at home and hate going out so for us we connect haha 
Once you realise that there are so many things you can do that makes you both happy ie we love spinning and chasing each other , love bouncing then you can find things together . But you have to work at that ., My (now 9 year old) daughter is the very best ‘thing’ that has ever happened to me.  She is the light of my life and the joy of my heart.  I’m so amazed by how thoughtful, kind, silly, and sweet she is!  

I’m so thankful every single day for her.  It took us over a decade of trying to be able to have her (on my second cycle of IUI at a fertility clinic).  Life is really hard and messy and beautiful.  She makes me want to be better and do better.  It’s a rocky road but it’s getting better through a lot of hard work.  
Anything worth having is worth working for.

I highly recommend working on your own mental health and your relationship before you try for kids.  Once you have children, everything changes, and it’s much harder to manage self-care.  If either of you have childhood trauma, please address it asap as it is really triggered when you have your own children., It's ok to not want kids. My 3 year old is level 2 and if he makes the choice as someone who's autistic not to have children I'll 100% support him. But as for your question I'm very happy to be the mother of an autistic child and as far as we know a NT child(he's only 4 weeks old). Of course it can be hard especially because I'm bipolar so I get a little wonky at times but I find my life with children very fulfilling but yes over stimulating more so when the toddler and baby are crying at the same time., What does it mean to be happy to you?, I am the parent of a young child (6m). My stress is not to do with my child per se, but rather the frustration of trying to suss out services/resources. 

One thing I have learned in life is that everything is a matter of outlook. I came to parenthood relatively late in life(early 40s). In my 20s I focused a lot on the negative things that happened in my sphere of existence. I was not ready to be a parent then. Somewhere around 29 I realized that s**t happens to everyone. It is just a matter of whether or not one allows that mess to be the focus of the rest of one’s day. It was eye-opening and definitely worked to reset my approach to daily living. I didn’t become a different person, but I did work to be less triggered by things I could not control. 

There came a time in my 30s when a kind of calm just settled over me about becoming a parent and it felt absolutely cosmically right to have a child. I am supremely grateful that I get to discover the world through his eyes and also that I get to help him learn to develop the tools to deal with the world around him. You, OP, may be in an even better place to help your child because unlike me you are also on the spectrum. 

Is it challenging? Hell yes, but the majority of what makes me frustrated comes from external issues, such as the lack of coordination with respect to available resources and the fact that there is no one place to find them.  

You never know who your child is going to be personality-wise, regardless of their place on the spectrum. You could have a typical child that challenges you more than any other child might. You could have a child on the spectrum that is amazingly easy personality-wise., No. Always tired, have had to give up pretty much everything that gives me joy because of lack of childcare, about to have to lose a career I worked hard to build (and is the last thing I enjoy as everything else has been stripped off me) as child can’t go to school, plus all the battles with institutions that should be helping but are not - even after a good fight.
Life is just more of the same frustrations, getting through each day knowing tomorrow will be the same - or worse. The constant threat of poverty due to the lack of appropriate resources to my child and my likely inability to work in the near future because of that. 
The very little engagement I get back from my child after all that. 
It’s lonely and it’s tiring., I haven’t been genuinely happy in years. I can’t remember what joy feels like. I don’t think I can even feel my soul anymore. Sorry it’s bleak!, I’m a “high functioning” autistic woman, with a 6 year old low functioning, non verbal daughter. Her father abandoned us after being ingolved for five years of her life -he was the one who wanted to get me pregnant and manipulated me into avoiding abortion- , he doesn’t pay child support and left me to be the default parent (as always, only this time is worse because I’m almost all alone). My life is hell everyday, and I wish I was dead most of the time., I am AuDHD with two AuDHD children and I would say that I am happy. I’ve always struggled with anxiety and depression and have a massive amount of past trauma, but I’m as “happy” as I have ever been. This life is hard though. Being a parent is overwhelming most of the time but also very rewarding. However, I always knew I wanted kids. Even though it is a very hard life, I couldn’t imagine not having kids. But if you aren’t 100% sure you want kids, don’t have them. If you don’t have a deep longing to have children and feel like your life isn’t complete without them, don’t do it. Being a parent is a 24/7 commitment for 18 years and doesn’t just end at 18. I didn’t know I was AuDHD when I had kids. I’m overstimulated and exhausted basically all the time. I love them dearly though and do the best I can for us all. I would lay down my life for my kids in a heartbeat but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel like I’m about to lose my mind at any given moment. One warning I can give you though, don’t count on having any help. Your bf may be a great person, but 98% of fathers don’t provide half the childcare or emotional support, not to mention the cleaning and running the household. If you decide to go through with having children, don’t do it unless you are prepared to be the primary parent with no support. Mothers often can’t count on family or friends to help either. I moderated a mom support group and the horror stories I read would give you nightmares., im happy for the most part but i think if i had another child, who most likely would be autistic, id lose it and feel regret. my son is only 3 years old and we’ve had a lot of hard moments. its been a real journey navigating this life with an autistic child that the thought of going through it all again makes me already regret it lol. If you don’t want any children, listen to yourself. In the end, moms carry the heavier load of parenting (i know not always but usually) and it can really take a toll on you. i’m pretty sure i’m autistic as well and if i would’ve known before, i wouldn’t have gotten pregnant. I love my son but I think my mind/body can only handle him., I looked at your other post and I think all of your worries are valid. It's hard. It's really really hard to be neurodivergant with neurodivergant kids, but it is doable. I would suggest ensuring you have all of these items in place before having children: 1) a really strong supportive long lasting relationship with someone who understands neurodiversity and is able to support you during tough times 2) other support people and services like housecleaning, babysitting, therapy etc 3) lots of money so you don't have to work crazy hours outside of the home AND parent 4) healthy coping methods like art, music, whatever 5) access to services for early intervention (if needed) for your child., Very happy. Also very appreciative of having a ND child. Has made me a better and more caring, compassionate person, I am truly happy with my life. My 5 year old is autistic and every day she wakes up I tell her I’m so happy to be her mama. We have our challenges but I’m happy and so is my family., It depends on the day. As of late things have been shit as my son has been having self injury screaming fits for bedtime. Both my husband and I tag team restraining him. It really fucking sucks. If it gets worse, we’ll have to call an ambulance to take him somewhere., What really torments me, is knowing that I'm going to die and leave my autistic child behind. He has a lot of capability, but I don't think he'll ever be *completely* independent. Other than that, I think I'm pretty happy. I have a wonderful husband, and we're financially secure enough to easily afford anything we need. 

My son is pretty happy, loves school, laughing, cuddling, etc. He is a lot of work, but he also makes me very happy (as does his NT sister)., Not happy. If I could go back I wouldn’t have had children., I love my life- i have two kids with ASD. There’s a lot of appointments and therapies which is hard but worth it. And a lot of late nights. My husband seems neurodivergent (and by that I mean undiagnosed) and understands our oldest way better and can better anticipate her needs in a helpful way (just as an example- counting down as I brush her hair because “she just needs to know it’s going to be over” and he was right that helps her a lot) I think being a parent is hard and all parents feel pressure to be a perfect parent and maybe that’s more intense when you have kids with different needs especially because you see all these therapists and specialists. 

Everyone is slipping on a banana peel away from a disability- which I mean anyone could develop a disability at anytime and life is unpredictable so I wouldn’t let that hold you back because nothing is guaranteed anyway- even for neurotypical kids. Some people are neurotypical and easy to raise- but still grow up to be jerks. Every person born is a chance to make the world a better place. And if you decide it’s not for you that is totally ok too- there are lots of ways to share that love in your heart without having a child., Very happy! With added disclaimer that I think we have it pretty easy with my 3yo.  Harder than my friends with NT kids. But much easier than many of the parents here in this community. And that certainly affects the experience.

He’s got a few words, getting more, though inconsistent. He doesn’t have trouble telling us what he wants (body language + vibes lol). The harder part is his very limited receptive language. But hey, he has some now and a year ago it was literally zero, so progress.

He is snuggly and affectionate. Silly and sweet. He also pinches and bites me at times (I’ve got some battle scars). And tests limits allllllllll the time.

But being his mom is a joy. It’s tiring and I get overstimulated. But we are one and done, so we can tag out to recharge when needed.  

Which is a key reason I can come here and say I’m happy, and mean it., Yes, I am. Even though my 3yo is autistic I feel I got really lucky with most things. She doesn’t have many behaviors, she sleeps through the night, we can easily engage with her. She’s nonverbal but she has her ways of telling us what she wants/needs. I also have older kids 7yo & 9yo and she doesn’t play with them much but she can tolerate being around them without getting upset that someone is in her space. I thank God for her, she’s saved me in more ways than one and made me look at life in a whole new perspective 🩷, If your sole pursuit in life is to be ""happy,"" you'll be a prisoner of this chase forever.  Raising kids in general is a tough business.  There are so many factors out of your control it's a miracle that they can make it so far, with all the help and village (or lack thereof) to raise them.  It's all about perspective; there will be good times, bad times, ugly times and hard times.  This is regardless of whether your kids is neuro divergent with ASD or any other health/mental/genetic abnormalities.  You have to take a leap of faith and understand your child may or may not be who you thought they're going to be.  For many parents with kids that have ASD diagnosis, it's not about finding the typical happiness of rearing a child, but finding deeper meaning in hopes of preparing their kids for a future that they deserve despite having their disability.  Good luck and I hope you the best in whatever you decide., I love my children with all of my heart, might, mind, and soul. My 9 year old is ND and my 6 year old is NT. My NT kid is just as hard if not harder than my ND kid. And Yes I am happy. Not content but happy. It gets easier as they get older. Not easy, but easier and helping them figure out life and what works is the best and when something clicks for them, oh my gosh. I love when he figures things out. Sometimes he will write notes and it’s like wow you are listening and learning and they are such happy parent moments. He’s the best kid ever (I’m absolutely biased.) and I wouldn’t change our journey because it’s make me, him, his sister and his father better people. We have learned so much on this journey. I love my life. I really do., I often do this thing where I time travel in my head, try to meet my partner earlier, go into a different career, avoid bad experiences or horrible people but every single time I abandon the daydream - because even in a make believe moment I don't want to jeopardise anything via butterfly effect that would stop her coming to me, *exactly* as she is., I will agree with the comments saying don't have kids unless you want them. SERIOUSLY!?! I sometimes think the boomers didn't want children, but they did so because they were supposed to..."" they seem like they hated having children.  I digress. 

In all seriousness,  I wanted children since I was an adult.  I am autistic and my oldest (5) is autistic.  My youngest is very different from my oldest, and we're not seeing any of the signs we saw with the older one of autism. We'll see as she gets older. 

I've never questioned the difficulties and whether or not it's worth it.  I am fulfilled most days,  even though it's tough.  It's easy to complain and vent about the hard stuff.  My oldest had an upset stomach on the drive home from school today and was screaming in the car.  I wanted to start screaming myself from her ear piercing screams.  But then I remember that my parents were quick to anger and quick to violence,  and I'm suddenly happy that my daughters get to grow up in a home where they feel like they belong and are loved and accepted as they are. 

Yes,  I'm trying to give them a life I didn't have,  but I also love the things we do together. We go camping,  we learn stuff together,  I share my experiences, and, although the older one doesn't say it very often,  I know she loves me and nothing even comes close to that feeling. The youngest is in a daddy phase and I can't get enough.  Even if she wants me in the middle of the night or when I don't have much in the tank.

It's hard to imagine a world where you are a slave to their every need,  but once you're in it,  the world you used to live in sewms a little less exciting. I do miss some of the freedom, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. I love it. 

But remember,  if you choose to have kids,  you commit.  There's no going back.  Once you're in it,  you're in it for life. Dive head first and don't look back., This is a bit philosophical, so bear with me, but happiness is relative. Happiness is not the goal to achieve in the end. Happiness is the journey. 
One can choose to be happy no matter the circumstances, and there is joy in little things. You can have the perfect life but still be unhappy, and you can have nothing and yet be happy.

I love my autistic child more than anything, and yet I struggle sometimes, even cry, but I wouldn't change my life, not one bit. I enjoy every moment, no matter if it breaks my back. 

I share this thought knowing that it all sounds a bit holier than thou, and it's not something people who are struggling want to hear, but I know there are parents here who think the same way. This is also something I learned at a young age, but it takes a lifetime to really imbibe it and make it a part of your core.
So, to answer your question, yes, there are people here who are truly happy. There are people with neurotypical kids who are the definition of unhappy. It's all a matter of perspective., I am but my son is still small so I worry about the future. I’m currently pregnant with my second., Just something to keep in mind is your child might have much higher support needs than you do. So make sure you have a lot of support. 

Also I think being am autistic parent is harder in general whether your kid is NT or ND just because of the sensory overload etc 

Do what's feels right for you! The spectrum is so wide, people will have vastly different experiences., Hmmmm. While I am happy, Im in the stage of my life where it is getting kinda easy, but slowly.

Our son is 2, almost 2.5. Progressively getting better! We are extremely proud of his progress, however it is hard. The tantrums, the stimming, not being able to successfully communicate, texture and feeding issues, and his lack of social skills.

Aside from those, I can say we take our son to many child filled events. And my kid sticks out like a sore thumb, to me. To any other parent he’s a cute 2 year old, but we know where he falls short so when he is around kids his age it is noticeably sad for us. We want better for him always, but it is hard to not compare, or wonder how life would be. 

I think as a parent of an autistic kid, you have to really remember the spectrum is different for every kid. Your struggles may not be my struggle, but it does get easier. It just takes time. 

My son did a 180 from last year, to this year and boy has it made life easier in many ways. Still challenges, but hey… progress is progress.

Goodluck, Content and generally happy, Yes - but not blissfully so - we are not Facebook/insta perfect in my household - haha. My SN child is my youngest of 4. Honestly, I can say each kid has their own annoyances and difficult behaviors depending on their stage in life. Sometimes all the kids are difficult all at the same time (or frustrating) and sometimes everyone is okay for a bit, with every combination between. We been at this parenting stage for long time now - our oldest is in college and we just started SN/integrated preschool in the fall for the youngest. 

Some days are dreadful and take everything in us just to make it to the end of a day (or when the day ends after every both of the sometimes insomniac littles finally falls sleep at 5-8am - Finally!! ). And some days are much easier than others, there may be less arguments that day and I just might see the special bond building between the kids, or my almost verbal youngest kid learns a new phrase and those days are when I feel like I'm rocking parenting and my heart just sails. 

My husband and I talk a lot about what if we hadn't had the last 2 kids ( one NT , one SN) and we always agree, we couldn't imaging our lives without them exactly as they are. Yes, I wish their lives would be easier to live through (especially the SN kiddo) but I wouldn't give them up or trade them for an ""easier kid"". We encourage special interests and try to make decisions for each kid based on what is best for them that year regarding schooling and activities. Be weird and unique and learn to laugh at yourself before anyone else has the chance.
We use these mantras to encourage each other....
"" the days (and phases) are long, but the years are so short."" and 
""When you're going through hell the only way out is to put your head down and keep goin til your through to the other side""

It can suck  sometimes, but the good times get us through the bad times. It's life set on hard difficulty, but not impossible mode.

At the end of the day, I make myself pick one good thing to be grateful or happy for so that I can count it as a small win., If you’re aware and prepared to have them then why not? Teach them about mental health early on and educate them. It was only a problem for me because mental health wasn’t talked about with me and my siblings. Break the stigma and educate. You can have bpd and be a good parent with treatment and that being said my oldest is autistic but we suspect our 2nd baby isn’t because he doesn’t have muscle weakness like my first did and he’s already reaching every milestone he’s supposed to be doing. Sometimes mental health issues can skip generations so it’s not even a 100% guarantee each of your kids will have anything. I drew the unlucky straw and got my dads mental health issues but one of my sisters and my brother are mentally well. But in all fairness if my mom didn’t cause trauma and I knew about what I had then I think I would have been fine., I’m content. I’ve been pursuing happiness since long before I had my daughter, but it’s elusive no matter what your life circumstances are. I often thought I have it easier than parents of NT kids. She’s 17 now and it’s not all sunshine and roses, but I wouldn’t say I was unhappy., How old are you? Had i waited until i was in my 30s, i would probably be happy and able to handle a difficult child. I became a parent when i was just entering adulthood.  I was learning to be grown while being responsible for a new life., I'm extremely happy. I love my son dearly and I know he loves me., My answer may vary day to day—even on hard days I’m happy, and even on easy days I can fall into a black hole. But more often than not I feel happy. My daughter will always need help, the world won’t always be kind, but I feel love and give love to her. It’s a gift. But again, ask me tomorrow and I may feel sorry for myself, sorry for my kid, and pissed at the world., Hey mom of two with one ASD son and another that as of now seems to be NT (9 months so a bit early to tell). Autism as my husband and I discovered seems to run on his side and on mine we have a lot of anxiety/adhd. We are very lucky to have an overall easy and happy child and truthfully the luck and support seems to be what makes our life easier. We do have hard days where neither boy is happy or I’m overwhelmed or my husband is. But we make it work and we make time. We have a lot of very supportive family that is always able to watch the boys for us to go and be a couple and just get a break. We did have a hard with our son’s initial diagnosis, but since then we’ve learned to celebrate all of his accomplishments and advancement. We both love our boys very much and care for them, having had them willingly and consciously. Funnily enough our NT presenting child is actually who my husband has struggled with more. So I feel like everyone’s situation is different. We find joy in going out as a family and introducing our sons to new experiences but again all situations are unique since our son is pretty easy going and loves to try new things. At the end of the day I find that those that consistently regret children the most are the ones that had to convince themselves into having them. Children should be a choice that you make enthusiastically. Because it’s better to possibly regret not having had a child than regret having had one., If you would have asked me 2 years ago, I would have replied, "" Hell no! 1 star--would not recommend."" I would have gone back in time and talked myself into sterilization. We almost didn't survive. 

Things are better now, but I am still working through a lot of C-PTSD from the rough years. I still struggle to feel ""motherly"" towards my eldest (17M/lvl3/ in residential due to violence). The little dude (14/lvl3) is alright though. He has his meltdowns occasionally but nothing like his brother and we can handle it. Haven't had to call the cops once yet (for violence, that is...he is an eloper but we have him tagged now). 

I'm glad we made it, but the dark days were baaaad. I'm glad I didn't let the darkness win and end up on the evening news. 

If I knew what I was going to have to go through, then I probably wouldn't have been brave enough to do it. 

I'd be a lot richer too, but that's a minor consideration for me., Happy is an emotion that comes and goes with current factors.  Some days/seasons we’re far from happy. It’s miserable and it feels like we’re in endless darkness. 

Other moments bring unthinkable happiness…my little guy finally catching a specific species of fish he’s been reading about, or finding a giant sketchy snake, or sharing his extreme enthusiasm for Moby Dick.  


Overall, it’s tough. But God made our dude unique.  There are 9 billion people on earth and not one is like ours.  So after the meltdowns and punching and violence and social problems and broken furniture and etc… God wanted us to have him and we buckle up and do what we need to do., Am I happy with my life? YES! I absolutely love my kids. And I have an amazing, supportive spouse who is active in raising our kids. Is our life perfect? Do we get to do everything we want to do? Absolutely NOT. I gave up a lot of myself and hobbies even when my first kid was born and hes not diagnosedwith ASD. 

I used to be an avid snowboarder, some people take their kids at a young age but I didn't, my oldest was a lil slow on milestones but never flagged for autism. I used to camp a lot and go on long backpacking/camping hikes, camping with a little with ASD, not potty trained and prone to eloping would cause me more anxiety than it was worth. Hoping to start going on easy camps again in the future but haven't mustered up the courage yet. We used to go to comic-cons and large social events with our oldest but those things also became too much with a high needs kiddo who doesn't like crowds. I haven't been to see a movie in theaters since before my youngest was born either. 

Kids, whether ND or NT will cause your life to change. You might not be able to do some things you take for granted now. But I'm also quite anxious and over cautious in general. Having kids should be something you really want, and you should be prepared for your life to change regardless of whether they are NT or ND. Never let someone else pressure you into having kids. If you do, you could come to resent your potential kids and no kid deserves to grow up feeling unwanted. Life is hard enough as it is., Tired sometimes, but overall a very happy husband and father. My kid is a double rainbow baby. Two heart wrenching miscarriages before him. We really wanted a child, and we were blessed with a child during probably the roughest part of our marriage. But I swear since he was in the womb he’s been trolling us, and I mean that in a sincere “haha” way and not a bitter way. Parenting isn’t easy. Parenting a rambunctious, inquisitive, autistic 3 year old is probably more so. When I see parents of younger toddlers just walking in a parking lot with their kid just following them and not holding hands I always let out a “must be nice”. 

I’m very fortunate though. My kid rarely if ever melts down. He’s getting better every day with communicating. He goes to school and daycare so my wife and I are able to work full time and he seems to be doing well in that environment. As he gets older things may change but right now I am happy. He is a great kid., Life has challenges by itself, it does not matter if you have kids or not. I had my son until I was 37, because I did not want to have kids, but my husband did, we are separated now and I am with my kid.  Life :)
I was not totally happy without my kid, do not think that kids would make you happy or unhappy.
What is really important is that you be surrounded of a good group of people, that are there for you.  Identify things that you enjoy before kids, so when you feel that you need a me time being a mom, you just have this list of things and ideas that would help you.
Every decision has a new joys and responsibilities, that we were not use to.  If you buy a car you now have to remember to take it to service for oil change, now you can get a flat tire, save money for the gas, you have to clean it, and you can drive farther and see new things., Hi. I don't think you should have a child unless you really want one, otherwise it's very likely you might end up resentful which would be disastrous for both you and your child.

Also there's so many variables with raising someone neurodiverse whether you're neurodiverse or not (My husband was neurodiverse, I have some characteristics but I'm sort of borderline but my father and two of my siblings are most likely neurodiverse). I have four children. My oldest is turning 21 and is autistic (I'm not sure how levels work, but she has a lot of anxiety, is verbal and in college, then i have 17 year old triplets, one who has ADHD and emotional challenges, two boys who are autistic, one is similar to his sister. The other is a lot less self aware, has ADHD.  He didn't start really talking until 4 or 5 but now talks all the time about his favorite subjects.

Some of the following you probably know from your own experience so apologies if i sound pedantic here.

1. How hands on will your boyfriend be?
2. **How much support will you have?** What I mean is state support, community support or family support? I live in a community that considers helping others to be a huge priority. Because of that I had a lot more support.  I don't have much family support as until recently I didn't have family living near me. I live in NYS which provides a lot of support. That makes a HUGE difference.
3. Since it's a spectrum (which you know of course0 **it's impossible to really know how much needs your child would have.** I have it easier because my autistic kids are relatively easy to manage.  Nobody's a runner. Two of them will most likely be able to be independent.
4. This is related to point 1. **Kids have way more services than adults do.** My sister in law lived in Ohio but moved back to NY because when her daughter turned 21 there didn't exist any programs for her. In her case her daughter has down syndrome, but it would be the same for an autistic adult,  a My niece has day programs, also goes away some weekends and has a multiple week summer program she goes to that otherwise my SIL is an empty nester (she's in her 60s) that makes a huge difference in her life.
5. **How was your childhood?** I grew up in a single parent household with 4 siblings (we were 5 all born within six years) for most of my childhood. That helped prepare me for having kids and also eventually for widowhood eight years ago. It doesn't mean life is easy, but my expectations were different than my mom having five children when she grew up with one sibling seven years younger than her with a perfectionist mother.

Okay so after all THAT I'll answer your question.

As a parent I've been overwhelmed in different ways. When my oldest was 18 months she had a seizure. That's not uncommon apparently with autistic kids but I didn't know this until this year when speaking to another parent. Do I regret having my children. Never. That said, I had factors that made it easier. 1. I had a lot of community support. We have an organization for families of special needs that has been amazing. 2. I live in one of the best states for raising autistic kids. That doesn't mean it's been easy. But it's been easier. 3. I had a husband who wasn't always present but very supportive. 4. My kids are verbal, and for the most part easier to parent. That said my oldest has a lot of anxiety about basic living which makes it hard for her to function. Thankfully she's getting therapy. And yet I didn't go on a trip by myself for 16 years. I finally went this summer on a family road trip with my mom, sister and her wife while one son was in camp, my child with emotional challenges was in respite and the other two were able to stay home.

Am I overall happy? Yes. My kids are great. I sometimes haven't been as great as I could be for them especially in the earlier years. I am on anti-anxiety medicine too and see a therapist. I also didn't have kids until i was 32 so I had my twenties to be independent which also helped, but is it hard. Have I gotten overwhelmed? yes and yes. And that's with community support and support from the state., I’m happy enough, I am not happy but I wasn’t happy before kid either. I was able to hyperfocus on my career in advertising and I was incredible at it. It’s my fault, I didn’t know much about mental health at all. Once I had my son and began worrying about him and then the diagnosis, everything became so clear about myself. I am totally burnt out now as my sons primary caretaker, 9 years of no more than 2-4 hours of sleep at a time leaves my cup completely empty. You know when I am happy- when I drop him off at school and have silence in the car. That’s the peak of the day., My son is 2.5 years old and non-verbal. I tear up all the time when I see 18 month old babies talking and communicating so easily with their parents. What an easy life that many people take for granted. They even joke with me “you would wish they would just shut up like yours!” 🙄

HOWEVER, my son has taught my husband and I so much about the true meaning of love. And our patience has been one that’s way higher than it ever was without our son. We also know how to deal with people that are similar to our son and it’s amazing to see.

Kids in general are HARD, autistic or not. In my opinion, it’s harder than marriage itself. But with the right partner, love, patience, and access to the right tools, it can be very rewarding 💕, Yes. I teach kids with autism. I have a monogamous realtionship but will never marry, and I love my life!, I will preface this by saying that my kid is level 2, but overall I am happy. I'm tired and sometimes overwhelmed, but it doesn't feel as if it's at a very different level to other working parents of neurotypical kids. I think every three year old is a little energy vampire. 

It has definitely gotten easier as he has gotten older. He is currently chilling and listening to his Toniebox, and I have been doing some light cleaning. We are going to the science museum in a bit. We did the zoo on Monday, and an Easter Egg hunt last weekend. He's on spring break, but normally he has school during the week. 

I don't know. I am sure there are some unique challenges we are experiencing, and his therapy schedule is intense, but ... It doesn't feel like it is very different to having a neurotypical kid, especially as he is becoming increasingly verbal and wanting more interaction with me.

Again, level 2 kid, so I am not saying my experience is universal., Having kids us hard weather they are NT or ND. But you just love them through the hard times and there will be PLENTY! my 6yo is autistic and I wouldn't change him for nothing. He's the best boy and has made my life better. I have a 1 yo and idk if she is autistic or not yet.  It's hard to tell for sure when they are little but she may have some common early signs.. which honestly.  Nothing could make me happier if she was. I'm just used to doing life like this and always loved helping special needs people even when I was a kid.. so I think I'm just made for this 💪, I’m happy, my toddler is awesome, I’ve got a great support system, and an effective game plan to meet her where she’s at for her life. Are there days that are hard, absolutely, but I’m happy. Now I discussed heavily with my husband that ASD runs in my family before having a child to ensure that we had talked about what the challenges would be and how to best support any child we may have. If you do have a child and you notice missing milestones, fight for a therapy referral. I started talking with my child’s doctor at 1.5 years that she’s showing symptoms of a delay. At two we got her into ot/st and while we’re still showing signs of a delay, the gap is lessening, and I’m very confident she will be an independent adult, without any need for paid long term support. Children can get speech and ot before ASD evaluations comes into play. But if you are concerned about not meeting the needs for an ASD child, adoption is just as valid an option., I'm very satisfied with my life. We went through a really hard time a couple of years back, but that was mostly unrelated to my kids. My soon to be ex-husband was emotionally abusive and manipulative and made my life very hard for a very long time. Life is so much better now. It does help that their dad has them half the time, so I have time to myself. 

My kids are my whole world, and I love them to bits and am so grateful and happy to be their mom. They have relatively low support needs, and we can go out into the world and do most normal stuff. My 5yo has a lot of anxiety, so going to new places is always challenging, but it's been getting easier. My only real complaint is that my 3yo sleeps terribly, and the sleep deprivation takes a toll. I'm hopeful that it will get better as he gets older. It's already gotten a lot better compared to 6 months ago., I’m not only AudHD, I have severe trauma -ptsd, depression, anxiety, hashimotos hypothyroidism, severe migraines, substance use disorder (have been clean 13 years) and other things. I had my son at 33. He is truly the best thing that ever happened to me and my life is so much fuller now and seeing his smile makes me happy. I can say it’s hard but being a parent can be hard at times. I can also say that I am truly happy. I appreciate my child and he is the light of my life. Everyone is different. 

I didn’t think I would have a child either🤍, I love being a parent and knowing that my children have someone they can rely on. 

As I kid I didn’t have that safety/comfort because my mom had 6 kids and was a widow. She worked 2-3 jobs and we hardly saw her, our older siblings were in charge of the youngest. Her time was very limited out of necessity. 

Now as a parent I try my best to be present as much as I can. My eldest has ASD but she’s made so much progress over the last year after starting school. She was nonverbal and would be aggressive and had constant meltdowns to the point of nosebleeds/vomiting. It was very difficult but thankfully my husband was very involved as well. Now she’s speaking, can initiate conversations, asks questions, describes her feelings or surroundings, remembers conversations from other days and is really helpful with her younger sibling. She also knows peoples emotions and is really caring. All of this I something I couldn’t say in March 2023. 

It’s tough but it’s worth it when she says “mommy! I’m so happy I can dance” and she starts dancing 🥰❤️ or “mommy I love you soooo much”, Im in a state of serene pleasure with moments of intense anxiety. Autistic homies can have it go you just cant shy from your problems., My SO is on the spectrum, diagnosed after our daughter was.  I fear for my daughter and the difficulties she faces/might face, but it never makes me love her less.  I have 1NT and 1ND and  let me tell you, you are going to face challenges with any child.  But I fear more for my ND child.

There are also times where I am not able to help her.  I am trying, she is trying, but we aren't connecting in a productive way and that is hard to face.  We are lucky in that the majority of her diagnosis is concentrated in emotional regulation and social development and the physical/mental development is not largely affected (though we have been through 2 years of intensive speech therapy and her speech is behind her ND peers).

We spend a lot of time making sure both kids feel like they have their needs met, often at the expense of my own needs.  I have to have a lot of grace for all of the emotions of everyone in my house while I have to be non-reactive (making me feel like I don't get to have feelings some days).  I get burnt out and most days my self care is just a cup of coffee and my anti anxiety medication.  All of that sounds bleak, but that's the dark side.

I feel very lucky that our daughter has had early interventions which have allowed her to progress greatly.  I feel very lucky that she is verbal.  I feel very lucky that she is pretty much the carbon copy of my husband- who has lead an isolated, but fulfilling life.  And I have hope for my child.  As part of the autism community, I know that we are insanely lucky and that on the more severe aspect of the spectrum, the hope is different, the fears are different, the stress and intensity is different.  I have nothing but compassion and empathy for those families, especially because at the best of times with very mild symptoms raising a child with ASD can be hard and draining.

But I would not change a thing about my daughter.  She has opened my eyes to be more understanding and loving of my husband.  He has been able to learn through her.  We have been able to give her the experience and loving childhood my husband should have had.  She's funny, sensitive, caring, intelligent.  Her presence makes my life better.  Both of my kids are the single most point of stress in my life.  They drive me to the brink and back again.  But I delight in them.  I love watching them.  I love teaching them.  I love exploring with them and seeing who they are becoming.  They are undeniably the best part of my life and if they were to go, life wouldn't be worth living.

I love most parts of my life.  We adjust a bit to make sure that while we do things most NT families do, we have set ourselves up for success. (Telling her exactly what is going to happen, what to do if she wants to leave, which parent is her ""buddy for the day"" and which parent will be in charge of her sister. Paying attention for her stims and listening to her words. Watching videos of what to expect and giving her space to have feelings and a calm down spot when she asks for a break.  And we accept her no.  No cajoling or trying to convince her if she says she'd rather not do something.  Its just, okay! let's not do that!)  We go on planes, to the zoo, to aquariums, out to dinner, to winter festivals and summer water parks.

I have a great relationship with my children who think I am both God and their servant, so basically- Mom.  I have a great relationship with my husband though we both get overwhelmed, burnt out, and stressed.

Motherhood is a complex experience, but its not for the fainthearted.  Its not for the unsure.  The only reason to ever have a child is because YOU really, truly **WANT THEM**.  Because it is absolutely a labor of love in which you will break yourself down and be rebuilt into someone that lives for someone else.  And that's fucking hard.  To be a secondary character in your own life.  If you don't want it enough, you'll develop resentment, and I cannot stress this enough- your child didn't ask to be here.  We owe them everything and them nothing because we chose them.

So, after this long ass post, my answer to you is don't have kids.  I see your BF wants them, but until you are SURE, until you can look at everything everyone has said and confront the reality and understand what you could be getting yourself into and can find the delight and joy, don't do it., So, happiness comes from within.  You have to love yourself to love others.  You create a helpless child, totally dependent on you.  You learn right along with them.  It creates a bond that if you can love, becomes a part of your core being.  But, you will also see everything that you don’t like about yourself in your children. And because they watch you and learn from you, they end up mimicking that. So what you were seeing is a reflection of what they see in you. Also, make peace with the fact that you are a reflection of your parents, and your children will remind you of your mother or your dad. That’s why loving and accepting yourself is key. If you are happy with yourself, you will see children happy within themselves. If you are frustrated with yourself, you will be frustrated with your children., I'm a mom of two.  The oldest is autistic, and I'm currently undergoing evaluation to see if I'm also on the spectrum, which we suspect I am.  

Not going to lie, kids can be hard. It can be exhausting. And venting about it is necessary sometimes.  But man alive, they are also amazing.  I've never experienced love the way I have with my two little people.  I could stare at them for hours and just watch in wonder and amazement. And sometimes I do! And sometimes I want to toss them out the window.  I feel like I get to experience life new again, seeing it through their eyes.  I am in love with the fact that I get to grow old with these people, and watch them turn into adults and have their own lives.  So definitely worth it to me.

In saying that,  it's not for everyone.  If you don't feel like you want kids, that's ok, and it's important to not go down that road if you don't want to. I have kid free friends with happy fulfilled lives who wouldn't change it for the world.  Only you can answer for yourself if it's the right choice for you.  There's no right/wrong answer other than how you feel.  Good luck., It's a weird one. It's really stressful and lonely sometimes, and I rarely get a break (lone parent). But if I could go back in time and change things, I wouldn't. I wouldn't be without my kids, and I do have joy in my life., I am a late diagnosed autistic woman with adhd and I have a 7 year old boy, recently diagnosed.  I love him to bits and he's the best thing I've ever done with my life.  I sometimes question if I made the right decision given the state of the World/UK/global outlook etc, and I often question my ability to parent, but I never question my love for him (I'm a perfectionist and there is a whole thing about being a 'good enough parent which is difficult for me to accept as I want 100%) and I love being his mum.  He is so funny and it's brilliant getting to know him as he grows up and develops his own personality and preferences.  He's so strong willed and confident in ways I could never be, and I'd like to think that at least in part that's down to me being the parent I wanted.  So, I'd say go for it.  Of course it is hard, being a parent is tough, and the lack of sleep can be crippling, but it's also rewarding and fulfilling in ways nothing else is.  I'd say for me pregnancy was the really hard part as you get told endlessly about risk and how many ways in which babies can die, so by the time my son arrived I was a mess and I couldn't sleep in case something happened in the night.... 🙈 being autistic through that process was tough, courses are designed for NTs.  But seeing him grow, and develop into a wonderful, kind, funny, silly, clever, fabulous human being is amazing.  I wouldn't change anything.  I also loved the closeness of baby carrying (using slings, amazing and that baby smell, yes!).... You often get horror stories, I think, as parents are mostly tired and in need of more sleep than they get and that makes them cranky. And it can mean sensory overload as an autie parent, too, but you can find ways to cope.  Sometimes I think being autistic has been my super power as a mum because I became so focused on being the best mum I could be.  Being responsible for another human being is huge, at least it is for me.... so you need to be able to deal with that.  Also, it's a lot easier if you have family or a good support network.  I didn't.... but still here and have eventually found one!  Good luck and go with your heart, I'd say (if we were entirely rational about it, I don't think any of us would have kids, as it doesn't make financial sense and is arguably detrimental to our personal health in many ways, but here we are?!!!  I think it's far more beneficial to us in many other less tangible ways). ♥️💐🖖🏻, I'm happy in my life, yes.

But that doesn't mean it isn't stressful.  I am not on the spectrum, so I don't know what life is like when you are on it.

If you are worried about being overstimulated, then having a baby, whether on the spectrum or not, is something you want to think real hard about.  I hear people on this site, saying because of autism they don't like to be around other people too much.  Well if you have a baby you are with them 24/7. 

If you really want to have a child, but really don't want a child on the spectrum you could look into adopting.  I don't know if that is the right answer, but it's a possibility. The reality is none of us are signing up for special needs kiddos intentionally (except those who choose to adopt them)., I take the “it could always be worse” mindset, Had to check to see if this was the autism page or the marriage page. LMAO but really, lots of variables can make or break parenthood. None of us are perfect, and neither are our kids, autistic or not. Don’t let anyone make that decision but you and your partner., Like Charlotte from Sex and the City said, I’m not happy all day, but I’m happy every day. I’ll say that we are super fortunate to be able to afford a lot of things/help, and our autistic baby is relatively easygoing., It's hard and stressful like you wouldn't believe but I still love my son. Of course I wish he wasn't ASD but honestly, my husband and I like to keep to ourselves and if we had an NT kid, I'd feel pressured to put him in sports and do playdates with strangers, which I'm glad no one really asks us to do. Like someone else said, we bought our village and have ABA most days of the week and even have ABA at school now. We also have family nearby and he's got cousins who are his same age who try to include him in things.

I didn't always think I wanted kids but I'm glad I have my son. I think if I hadn't, I'd always wonder what my kid would be like. My husband and I have a great relationship and if we didn't, I'd probably feel entirely differently. I can't imagine doing something like this alone. BTW, I take meds for depression and that also contributes to my more positive outlook. I remember what it was like without the meds and......it was a black hole like you couldn't believe., I want to say I’m happy but I’m not. Single mom by technicality right now, working full time and then coming home to chaos is really hard. I’ve been sick for a few days, and after my un potty trained boy was sick with Norovirus has pushed me to the brink. Today there was poop smearing when I got home after days of cleaning diarrhea and ruined blankets.  I just had a massive rage fit basically and I can’t tell anyone because I’m ashamed of the state of my anger, the pain I feel, and the hopelessness and then THE GUILT of getting so angry at someone who probably has no clue why I’m so upset because his social rules are completely different than mine. I feel so unloved by my son, even though I know he loves me. And I feel so guilty for getting angry at him over things he probably doesn’t get why I’m so destroyed over them. BUT like so many other people have said, I don’t regret having him. For me, I painfully regret my own inability to be better. Also I’m a teacher and these middle school kids are fucking killing me every single day. That doesn’t help at all. Don’t let anyone pressure you, but there is nothing like being a parent and the love you can feel. Good luck either way., It’s hard. And it’s taken awhile to see more good. You never stop loving your kid though. The reality is autism is expensive. Our daughter is in ABA, occupational therapy and speech. Will your child need these therapies? Who knows. I didn’t know but fortunately we have insurance. I didn’t know there are people who pick careers to help children with autism. So if you want a child then do it. There’s so much help out there and once you find your tribe you will be okay. All of these therapist are my village. We have no one else we don’t get breaks or date nights. But my daughter has changed so much from last year. We get to go out to dinner. We get to go to the fair and to the mall. We will be enrolling her in tennis soon and in August she will start preschool through the state. No one can write your story because that’s your story. No one can tell you how it’ll go. But as a mom I can tell you it’s a beautiful thing to raise a little one. Nothing is perfect with this life and the kids don’t ask for perfect., I am BPD AuADHD and my partner is ADHD and very likely NPD and we had the talk about what if he had ASD but the tricky part about that conversation, even if it’s well intentioned, you have no fucking idea how to prepare for that unless you’re preparing for the worst case scenario. so I thought because of my personal experiences I could guide him but his ASD is very different from mine, so I had very different expectations. Also I went undiagnosed most my life whereas we got my sons diagnosis before 2. My parents never had the responsibility of therapies/behavior coaching that I have had, it’s incomparable. Because my parents still don’t believe the importance of being neurodiverse affirming and accepting, my support system has been inconsistent and made the beginning of my motherhood journey fucking hell. I’ve learned these are the key things to being a successful parent 1) figuring out if you’re emotionally capable and resilient , go to therapy if not 2) do you have a support system in place to maintain self care for yourself , if not could you afford one? 3)can you afford and handle being a parent with ASD child if you split (High divorce rate) 4)do you have family that would look after your child after you expire ? would you be ok not knowing if your child has a good quality life (living independently and having a social life outside of parents)? 4) are you being honest with yourself about the reason why you want a child? You will absolutely have it thrown in your face that you made the choice to have a kid, could you live with that and make the most it?, To reiterate what some of the other people have said, it's ok to not want to be a parent. AND it's also ok to not want to be a parent, with your boyfriend. 

If he really wants kids and you don't, you need to have a sit down calm conversation about where your relationship is going. 

Most people will have been in relationships at some point and realised that they have different ideals or what life will be. It's ok, like most things in life, communication is massively important., It's very hard. One autistic child is difficult to manage, but I think if you have a supportive community that will help care for your child and take some of that burden, then I don't think it'll be just as stressful as solo parenting., I’m happy. I’ve got a good career, happy kid, supportive partner. Things aren’t always easy but early intervention really helped my kid and she’s much happier than she was when she couldn’t communicate. That makes me happier., For me the most helpful thing about this experience has been focusing on it like a puzzle--like several puzzles I'm working simultaneously a lot of the time, but really the idea is to figure out which strategies work, which things need to fit in place to be able to manage it (like, we all do better when I am more relaxed, so things that are relaxing for me get moved to the top of the list; we do better with more sleep and a consistent routine, so things that disrupt that get taken out as much as possible).  I think the frustration comes up for me most reliably when my expectations are so far away from reality--I can get really attached to an expectation or excitement or anticipation for something I'm looking forward to, and if it doesn't materialize like I imagined, it is incredibly discouraging and it's easy to plunge into my life is a misery and will always be a misery because this circumstance will always be with me.  So one thing that I have to figure out is how to ensure that there are things I will enjoy that are low risk of being screwed up.  I feel like it has made me a more emotionally mature person than I was before, like I think in the past I felt like I was in control of everything and because for the most part I was, I was entitled to feel frustrated by the things that weren't to my liking.  But now I am so much more aware of how out of my hands things are, and once I learned to make a little more peace with that (a work in progress lol) it relieved some of that frustration and made me feel like a nice life was actually really possible, and maybe even more important, that I would be enjoying that nice life as a more self-aware, compassionate person than I would have had the opportunity to be before.   I am, for context, a single mom with a level three ASD kid who is 8 and a NT kid who is 10, and we live far from family, including the kids' father.  BUT we have a great school that I never have to fight with, and I have a pretty low stress job with flexible hours where I make enough to outsource some things.   Some of that is luck and some of it is intentional--like I keep this job despite a lot of opportunities to advance and do something more interesting because that flexibility is part of my ""village"" that someone referenced earlier.  When I started to pay attention to all the things that make my life easier it really changed my attitude towards not having a partner or family nearby--like what would family actually do that I can't do in some other way?    Solving as many things as I can in creative ways is, for me anyway, part of the fun and growth of this life, as opposed to just checking the same boxes everyone else gets to check.   I am not sure I would have picked this life off a menu, but I think I would not have realized how much I was missing if I hadn't had the chance to live it., If you have reasons to believe your kid might be autistic and that is something that would lower your quality of life (you are already asking so it definitely in your mind), why not looking at adopting? Lots of kids out there are in need of love, I am very happy. My life is a whirlwind of chaos but the bond I share with my boy is something I wouldn't trade for the world!, Yes, we are very happy!!  Sometimes it’s very hard, but that’s true of life.  I have a great relationship with my spouse and kids.  I have 4: 19, 5 (ASD), 4 (speech delayed but otherwise neurotypical), 1.75 yo neurotypical., I often feel exhausted, burnt out, frustrated, etc… but I love my son more than I ever thought it was possible to love another human and I don’t regret having him at all. There are really hard moments and hard days sometimes, but we have just as many really fun and happy moments and days. We have adapted our lives to accommodate my son, and once I accepted that that was just our reality and not the social media fake perfection, it helped. My son definitely helps me notice and appreciate the little things more. And he’s helped me to enjoy childhood all over again through his eyes., My husband is neurodivergent, our oldest daughter is on the spectrum and her two little sisters are neurotypical. We are for the most part in love with our lives.

He struggles a little with the sensory overload of the chaos of our house (3 kids, 2 adults, and 2 dogs) but we have learned each others bat signals for when we’re going to lose it. A “hey do you wanna go take 5” is our love language.

All 3 of our daughters are fucking fantastic and they make our lives so crazy and so beautiful. He gets our eldest daughter on a really special level and has been instrumental in her ability to love and accept herself exactly as she is. 

All in all I’d say we’re the typical family just loving and living. Sure we have some unique challenges but it just makes it all the more fulfilling at the end of the day. We have a home, food, clothes, and each other. When all the kids are in bed and we can finally lay back we usually just say god damn, we have it all., I am married with 1 child. I would say that I am actually pretty happy in life. I think my life has improved since the times when I was single and childless. It's definitely changed but in a mostly good way. Having a child can at times be over stimulating but the pros do outweigh the cons. I wake up every day to my husband and son's smile. My son will usually put his face to mine and touch my face with just the biggest smile on his face. He laughs constantly and it's beautiful. We do a lot of things as a family too. It does take more time to plan things and get ready to go out but you get better at it with time., To procreate is divine. Autistic kids are difficult to handle, but I honestly can't imagine my life without my son. I think about everything I did before my kid and it all seems so boring and empty. You truly won't get it until you have a kid, autistic or not. Keep in mind too that most of the people posting here are also autistic, so there is a high chance that if your kid is autistic, they will still grow into a somewhat functioning adult, Parenting is a big responsibility. If you are independent yourself and feel like you can raise a kid, then why not?? I am a NT parent of an autistic kid 5yrs. His diagnosis was a shock for us, but we have accepted it now and are as happy as anyone can be. Raising a child is a beautiful experience, no matter how he turns out., I’m super happy. My toddler is ASD 3. He’s in therapy, he’s learning. We’ve gotten to a real good spot where we know what helps and what doesn’t. Yeah we have some bad days but I cannot imagine my life without him! He’s got 1 younger sister and he loves her! I want one more even though I know I could have another ASD child., I could not imagine my life without my ND kid. I love that he’s my firstborn and I would literally not have it any other way. It feels like my kid was always meant to be ND and all his “quirks” make me feel even more like I’m meant to be his mom. Sorry 🤷‍♀️, Now, I will preface this with the fact that my son is currently 3, and does not have a formal diagnosis at this time. He has a functional speech delay, and some other behaviours that point toward ASD, but others that don't at all, and our pediatrician has taken the ""wait it out"" approach for the time being, but I am pretty confident he will end up with a diagnosis of some sort, if not ASD, some sort of processing disorder would be my guess. Either way. YES. Parenting my child comes with some enormous challenges, but my goodness, does he ever bring so much joy and light into my life. We are able to do SOME things families with exclusively neurotypical children do, and other things we avoid, and there are some things where we find a compromise that works for our family. We do things a little differently than what might look typical to most families, but what we are doing is working for us. We have more appointments than most families with a 3 year old (speech, and OT right now), but we are fortunate to have access to therapies to support my son's development. He makes me laugh every day. He makes me feel loved and needed every day. He teaches me something new every day. He amazes and surprises me every day. There is no shortage of happiness in my life; even though this isn't the EASIEST path, it is certainly not a path lacking love and joy., It’s hard. But I wouldn’t trade my son for anything., Yes I am happy- I have times where I feel disappointed for my guy- I hate that his life will be more challenging simply because he was born- but he is so happy and cuddly and is such a light.  He makes me smile all day long- he is the best thing thats ever happened to me.  , Yes. Life is not perfect but I love my beautiful high support needs ASD son and despite our challenges he makes my life better with him in it. For the bad times outside of that I remember that this life is temporary and I pray to God that there is a place in the house of Jesus Christ for me and my family. Thank you God for my boy, I’m really happy! 2 NT teens and one ND toddler. I’m also most likely autistic but undiagnosed. I’m a single parent, gave up work when the little was born as they have other medical needs. So a lot changed, but not necessarily for the worst. Are there hard times? Yes. Are there days I think I can’t handle much more? Yes. But that was the case with my older, typical kids too. That’s ALL parenting IMO. My little is the chillest, most loving child ever. We have a bond of steel, nobody comes close and we have a happy life just chilling out! We can’t do breakfast with Santa, or swimming lessons, or the Easter bunny. But I’ve let go of that because that’s not what my child wants. We do what they love instead (mainly walks, the beach, driving, tickle, chase etc, iPad). They’re also great on holiday, we go away a lot and that’s a big plus for us. 

I can hand on heart say that I’m happy. I wish my child didn’t have potentially rough times ahead in life, but there’s nothing to say they won’t thrive and be truly happy too. We had a ROUGH time when they were born and I’ve watched them nearly die, go through brain surgery , facial surgeries etc so nothing seems hard in comparison anymore. I think my default is extreme gratitude my baby is ok, so that may play a part in my answer. I also think the nature of these forums is that people reach out when they’re struggling so it can seem like having an ND child is all doom and gloom. And I’m not taking that away from anyone who struggles, my heart goes out to them. But remember it’s not a given that it’ll be that way :), You might not want to do all the fun things everyone else does. You'll want to do your own version of fun. 

As an autistic parent you'll be able to understand and advocate for your children, both ND and NT, in ways others can't., I’m very happy, is having a child hard sometimes? Definitely but the pros far outweigh the cons. My child is funny, happy, energetic, creative, gentle little guy. I love his personality, I love his way of doing things, I love the ways he shows his love! The first couple years were the hardest for me (not because of him) but the drastic change to my life and how I liked things done was very hard for me. I settled into the new routine eventually and I’m so happy now. I love my family and I love my child!, Imo happiness is a fleeting emotion like sadness or anger or whatever else. It comes and goes. It's a mood. I do have plenty of happiness in my life, along with frustration and exhaustion and sadness, just like anybody else. Each one has a time and a place. I think the more important, more constant feeling is fulfillment (or lack thereof). Happy or sad or angry, I'm still always fulfilled by my life and my family. I'm glad my 3 kids exist. I feel lucky to be their mom. I love that they're each a little walking/talking (or babbling lol) embodiment of my and my husband's love for each other. 

Sounds cheesy, I know. I don't really say this stuff to anyone, but since you asked I figured I'd give the whole answer haha! 

But also, if you don't want kids, you don't have to have them. What is fulfilling for one person is hell for another. Can parents of autistic children be happy, fulfilled? Yes absolutely. Whether that'll be the case for you is really only up to you though. 💜, Yes, we’re happy! My 4 year old ASD daughter is so much fun! She loves to hike, work in the yard, she’s curious, she loves to snuggle. She doesn’t talk often, but when she does she is hilarious! Yes, our daily life looks different- we have to make sure she’s getting adequate sensory input to stay regulated- but we have fun.  For me, the main sources of stress are having to fight to get her into services (already having to plan out summer months and next school year), I wish she’d have more interest in her little sister, it’s frustrating seeing her do something once and then refusing to do it again, and, the biggest one, not knowing what she will be capable of as an adult., I’ve experienced grief and hardship in my parenting journey but my life is infinitely better with my daughter in it. She’s a goofy ball of energy who makes people smile everywhere we go. Shes affectionate, happy, and curious and I learn from her every day. I think happiness is complicated. I wasn’t happier before I had my child. I’m not sure I can say I’m happy now either but I experience plenty of joy and much of it is because of her., My 3yo (ASD) and 1yo (NT) daughters are the light of my life. Autism is not easy but it comes in so many different forms and waves, so some days are not so great and others are the best days we’ve ever had as a family. My daughter on the spectrum is quiet (when she isn’t singing haha) and sweet and introverted. She loves singing and drawing. She is truly a gift in that she is easygoing and agreeable most of the time. There is a lot of work and effort involved on our part as parents because we want to and do work toward providing her as much support and services as possible so that she can learn to communicate more and thrive in her new preschool program. Raising her and being tuned in to her needs was all we knew until her sister came along. My younger daughter is an energetic extrovert. I often consider parenting her to be on easy mode because she sleeps like a rock and I am far more familiar with teaching someone socially motivated who learns by copying/mimicking. That said, she is much more vocal, opinionated, and likely to get into “trouble” - ie getting into things she shouldn’t and testing boundaries. In this respect, she is not as easy to parent as my firstborn. Each has their quirks and strengths and weaknesses. Both fulfill my husband and me in their own way.

Being a parent is the best thing I’ve ever done. I find so much joy in our girls and who they are becoming and I absolutely wouldn’t change a thing. I wanted kids my whole life. I grew up with an ASD sibling, it initially made me apprehensive about having a child with ASD, but this is due to my own shortcomings rather than any potential heartache or distress brought on by having children. Every child, neurotypical or divergent, is different, and everyone will have a different experience. Whether you roll the dice or not, I wish you confidence and peace in whichever choice you make., I’d say you can be burnt out and depressed even without an autistic child! I have 4 children, 3 who are autistic! Life can be crazy and there’s days I can’t catch my breath but I don’t know who I’d be without my kids!, I love my kids. I love seeing them excited to jump in bouncy houses, ride rollercoasters, swim, line things up in the sand at the beach. I love coming home to their laughter, their excitement. Sometimes it’s difficult, and I vent. Even parents of NT kids struggle, parenting can be difficult. If you want a kid, prepare for it, plan what you want to do with this child. Give them the love and childhood you want to give them., Not gonna lie, my life sucks, I’m not happy and I struggle to get through the day.

With that being said, I have no doubt at all that all my current struggles would be worth it if in two decades my son is doing what you are doing right now.

Since you asked for it, my advice for you is to have children with your boyfriend., This is a good point! None of us can tell you if *you* will be happy with kids, be they autistic or not, I 10000% agree. I am content and fulfilled because I always wanted to be a mom and had my kid when I felt like I had done all the things I wanted to do in my 20s (studied, traveled, etc). I also knew going in that being a parent was going to involve sacrifice and I felt ready. If I had had my kid any sooner, it would’ve been a tougher adjustment. I’m personally very happy with my kid. I don’t compare him to neurotypical kids. I also celebrate what makes him unique, and I think he’s so cool and sweet and fun and interesting. He’s also so smart and a motivated learner, and it’s been fun learning about his special interests. But my life involves zero time to myself, lots of work on regulating my emotions, high stress when my kiddo is having a tough day, lots of worrying about the future. My husband is an exemplary dad and partner, and even with all these wonderful things, there’s still a high level of being needed, lots of stress to manage, appointments to juggle. All of that to say it’s okay not to want kids, it’s okay to want to wait a good while until you’re sure you’re ready, and it’s important to take the time to be sure that you and your partner can work together and are on the same page about kids., I didn't want kids & am Bipolar; knew I shouldnt.  In a Manic Moment, a coworker came to work on Endorphin High after his wife gave birth & said it was Best Feeling in World.  I got PG that night, first time ever w/o birth control, at 34.  Dr called me Test Positive @ work.  I loaded copy machine cartridge backwards & it trumpeted like an Elephant.  That F\*\*\*\* A\*\*\*\*\* coworker never even congratulated me on PG.  I often wondered how his kids turned out.  My son is Estranged from me, Aspergers, and today is my 70th birthday.  I regret having them.  My life went downhill.  More trauma than happy memories.  Sorry to be honest but this is anonymous.  My mother should not have had me & I should not have had children.  My half-sister's one child turned out real well but we're estranged., 100% agree with this. It's something you and your boyfriend need to have a serious conversation about. Sounds like you're completely opposite in your desire for a child. And that's completely ok, he's either going to see your point of view or you go your separate ways. If you decide to stay together, it's a possibility that down the road you find that desire to be a parent, but you can't let him dictate that. 

To answer your question, my wife and I are overall very happy. There's the money struggles with having a neuro-divergent child with expensive therapies, but aside from that and the occasional burnout, it's pretty smooth most of the time. The most frustrating part is that our non-verbal three year old daughter can't easily tell us what she wants, needs or if she's hurt but we're working on that every day and I'm confident we'll get there. One thing we decided when she was around 2 1/2 is that she will be our only biological child so that we can focus solely on her needs as long as we have to, and if we decide down the road that we have a desire to expand our family, we will adopt an older child., or coerce/baby trap you, *Statistics in study after study show that the happiest people are single childless women.*

Why are they also the women most prone to alcoholism and suicide?, Can you give any advice on building your village?, I’m so sorry it’s been so hard.  That’s especially tough when there are limited resources, both financial and emotional.  You are a good parent, doing what you can and putting your kid first.  Society doesn’t make it any easier. Are there other services available in your area, to support low income parents, for example?, I’m incredibly sorry for your experience, could she qualify for TERFA or low income Medicaid? That could help with the gap in healthcare coverage. Also with Medicaid, if she’s having feeding difficulties, a doctor could prescribe her nutritional shakes, and hopefully that could free up some income for your needs as well., Very similar situation here. 

There are definitely times that I find myself wishing things were easier. But how do I know that having an NT kid would solve all of my problems? right now things are easier with the little one, but that could change in the future.

The bottom line is that it’s hard to have kids. Whether or not they are autistic, or born with some rare illness, or completely healthy and NT, it is just hard., Yeah I'm also very happy with my autistic and intellectually disabled daughter, she is a delight.  I know I'm lucky she doesn't have many behavioural issues that are really hard to deal with that I see a lot of parents vent about here.

I really feel for those parents.  The ones who aren't getting any sleep, who get hit by their child and deal with constant screaming.  I feel bad for the poor kid too who is obviously struggling to live in a world that can be physically painful for them if they have sensory issues etc.

But my daughter is happy, and that's all I ask for. 

I wrote a post about my daughter here:

https://www.reddit.com/r/Parenting/s/ghYOcewxqr, I love this. I feel the same way. I said to my partner if I had to re-live the same decade of my life over and over it would be the birth to 10 years of my kids. No question., I didn’t consider autism was something that would happen. I thought it happens when you gave a baby in your 40s not 27. I was an idiot. If I’d have known then what I know now I wouldn’t have had any even my probably NT one. It’s not worth it. It’s not a life I wanted to give my child. He has no future, nothing to look forward to. There’s no point to my life either., This.

I see a lot of ""very happy"" and ""wouldn't change a single thing"" replies so far, but the fact you guys are here already says a lot., I actually relate to this a lot.  Maybe not every detail, but mourning what could have been - missing my life before having a child - those are all huge for me these days.  My son is 2.5 years old and we're just now starting on this path together, maybe I'll feel different down the road.  But it's hard right now., I agree, I mourn my old life, freedom to do as I pleased, no worries and the future to look forward to, getting up when I want to, having a job and money, not having to attend meetings at school and having to jump through hoops given to me by people I have little respect for, being threatened that my kid isn't welcome at the school unless he shapes up. The list is endless. Sometimes my life feels so joyless. I think staying childless would've be far better. I didn't suffer any miscarriages nd I'm sorry for what you've been through. My son was born extremely premature and that's when my life went pear shaped., This. 

I have two autistic children and one NT. Oldest is NT and the middle child- we didn’t even know it was autism until I was already pregnant with the 3rd. Had I known that it was autism and that it’s very likely future children could have it, I would absolutely 100% not have had a 3rd child or even the 2nd one knowing it is likely genetic. The third child is severe and I am a caregiver for him. I have no life. 

Op, I didn’t want a 3rd kid. I told my spouse after the second child that I couldn’t handle another child like her and that I would end up in a looney bin if we had another like her. He just kept saying it’s not going to happen over and over and I gave in. Well guess what? Now I’m a caregiver and the third child is 10x worse. Are you prepared to become a caregiver or listening to possible screaming all day long, not being able to go anywhere, spending all your days driving your kid to back to back therapies? What if you and your man split? Are you prepared to be taking care of a child like that alone? It’s a lot of things to consider and I WISH someone would have given me the harsh reality heads up like you are getting on here. Do I love my kids? Absolutely. They are my kids, I created them. But I’m not going to sit here and lie and say oh it’s so great just take the chance. 

The thing I feel most guilty about is my NT child missing out on so many life experiences bc we have had to leave or avoid things due to the autistic children and their needs. I try so hard to do special things for my oldest when I can and she is so understanding but I feel like such a shitty parent or like I’ve almost ruined her growing up experience 😞

My spouse always said, if we have another I’ll help, I’ll promise I’ll help. He doesn’t help. It’s all on me all the time. He works and brings in the money so that’s all he thinks he needs to contribute. He goes out with friends and does his thing and I’m stuck home with the kids. There are many mommas like me. I don’t want you to be one of them if you don’t need to be. Really take time and think about what YOU want., r/regretfulparents is a good place for support and venting without judgement., Also it stopped being ""cute"" once they hit puberty and being stronger than their parents., This experience varies widely depending where on the spectrum your kid is. My sons 5 not conversational has tons of energy and impulse issues and we do things like social skills group that leave my scratching my head why some of the kids there are in therapy. 
All kids have challenges, some autistic kids are more challenging than others., To answer the rest of your question - we had a second child right when we realized son might be autistic and we started receiving services. I do carry some guilt that his baby sister sometimes has to play second fiddle bc of his needs. I try my hardest to schedule his therapies around when they won’t impact her schedule, but know this will get harder as she gets older and has her own commitments. 

My husband and I are still obsessed w eachother! We’re both tired and done some days, but o think that would happen w any toddler and baby to care for. 

Yesterday my son had a huge freak out at the library and it ended w us both crying on the way home. But that’s an exception, not the rule. 95% of the time we do all the things we want to do and he can hang and enjoys it. And if he can’t, that’s okay and we go with the flow., We've had night terrors, days where one is sreaming the whole day, days I sat and cried with my kids because I can't and they can't.. it's not all roses. I'm still glad I chose it., 💯!, Hey thanks for that brushing hair countdown tip! Why didn’t I ever think of that! Lol! My ASD 9yr old girl HATES having her hair brushed due to sensory but she LOVES timers and countdowns! This is going to be a huge game changer., And of course only if YOU want to and YOU would be happy if you did. My babies mean a lot to me and make me really happy despite the challenges I face. I would do anything for them and I’m happy I get to see their little faces everyday, Same- I always wanted one but it didn’t happen and I gave up that dream. Then it happened!, Lmao . Funny how you easily take accountability for having a child when you shouldn’t have but don’t seem to take accountability for addressing your mental health while being a parent. BP requires consistency of self care and routine just like ASD, and as someone with a similar situation it’s irritating hearing your excuses., I would love to see the actual statistics to back up your statement., Sorry, but I don't believe that at all. They will need a much larger sample size to convince me women are happiest when they go against their instinctive maternal nature.  

I know many older women who have regrets choosing their career over a family., Right. Shit gets to be a lot some days but at the end of the day I just wanna hold him when he’s asleep and stare at him. Genuinely love him more than life. He’s a lot. But he’s mine., This rings so true!! Well stated. I wish I could get my point across as eloquently., My tiny is 4yrs old and even with the chaos at times, I could stay here forever. We sit together and put marble run mazes all over the living room. We both love setting them up. And legos. And drawing. And bike rides. She’s my little bestie. 
To answer OP, nothing is ever the same, but not in a bad way., Hi,
Yeah autism is often said to be the result of having “older parents”, which I am, but I’ve heard of plenty of twenty somethings who have children on the spectrum, so more likely it runs in families.

I am learning how to get better at my own stress management, but it will take work.

Do you get any help at all? You both have futures, I know it’s hard to think, but you can help your child and yourself. :), Relatable. I often feel like I’m not cut out for this., wanting support and community doesn’t mean that you’re unhappy. It’s fine for the group to have room for both!, LOL I see some sour grapes here. I can be very happy and also sometimes want to ask a question to people who have hit the same issue before., Does it? Getting and giving advice about unique kids means we are miserable?, How does finding a relatable and helpful community = unhappy?? It’s like joining a planting club. You can be friends and socialize at the club meetings AND provide insight on why my plant isn’t growing. Maybe it needs shade when I’ve only been giving it sunlight., It's a parenting advice sub Reddit. If you are on a gardening subreddit it's not just because you woke up to day of the triffids., I just think it's feeling like you have to say the ""right thing"". Even here.

I also think plenty of people use ""happy"" instead of ""content"", which I could buy., I'm trying to stay positive since 2-5 are some of the hardest years but it's not a guarantee my son will make progress - which is something I have to emotionally prepare for, Here's a sneak peek of /r/regretfulparents using the [top posts](https://np.reddit.com/r/regretfulparents/top/?sort=top&t=year) of the year!

\#1: [The painful realisation that I could be living my childfree friend's life if I didn't give in to marriage and kids. I miss my freedom so much.](https://np.reddit.com/r/regretfulparents/comments/149u6l0/the_painful_realisation_that_i_could_be_living_my/)  
\#2: [I FINALLY exploded on my mother for her constantly badgering me to have a baby.](https://np.reddit.com/r/regretfulparents/comments/14kjsnw/i_finally_exploded_on_my_mother_for_her/)  
\#3: [This type of mental gymnastics can be so so harmful. Did you ever had to deal with a person like that in real life?](https://i.redd.it/z63r4j2jgndb1.jpg) | [113 comments](https://np.reddit.com/r/regretfulparents/comments/1575vs9/this_type_of_mental_gymnastics_can_be_so_so/)

----
^^I'm ^^a ^^bot, ^^beep ^^boop ^^| ^^Downvote ^^to ^^remove ^^| ^^[Contact](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=sneakpeekbot) ^^| ^^[Info](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/) ^^| ^^[Opt-out](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/comments/o8wk1r/blacklist_ix/) ^^| ^^[GitHub](https://github.com/ghnr/sneakpeekbot), I hope it works!, It’s funny how sometimes life works out that way. I met my husband when I wasn’t looking for a relationship and here we are! So glad your dream came true :), Sure, hereya go!

[https://www.bu.edu/sph/news/articles/2023/women-without-children-at-age-35-are-at-highest-risk-of-binge-drinking-alcohol-use-disorder/](https://www.bu.edu/sph/news/articles/2023/women-without-children-at-age-35-are-at-highest-risk-of-binge-drinking-alcohol-use-disorder/)

**""Women who turned 35 in recent years, as well as women who have not had children by age 35, are the subgroups of women at highest risk of binge drinking and having alcohol use disorder (AUD) symptoms.""**

[https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamapsychiatry/article-abstract/496069](https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamapsychiatry/article-abstract/496069)

***""Women who had never married exhibited higher relative risks for suicide than married parous and married nonparous women for all age groups younger than 65 years at the start of follow-up.""***

***""Among the married, the parous women had lower relative risks than nonparous women for all ages.""***, I get quite a bit of help actually but unless something will make it go away then honestly it just feels like all our lives are over. Nothing can make it better., If not then this happy parent will bounce, LOL, Have I ever been happy? No. Does my daughter make me more happy? Yes., I appreciate you providing the proof for your statements, but if you read the whole papers that these come from, there is much more nuance than your statement suggests. 

This still doesn't mean that you should allow anyone to push you into having kids., Maybe the ones who make it to 65 are happiest?  I imagine societal pressure is strongest at younger ages, and less and less people give a shit as they get older., I’m sure the happiest single people are between the ages of 18-25, Valid, I am. I mean, it’s hard. Not gonna lie. But my thought is that life is usually hard in one way or another and though I’m not autistic I am totally blind so I’m no stranger to finding my own way through the rough timres., I’m so unhealthily stressed it’s insane. I love my son but this life isn’t for the faint of heart., The one thing no one has said, but I think is more important than anything else; if you don't want kids, please, please, please don't let anyone talk you into, bully, or shame you into having kids. 

There is absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting kids or deciding it's just not what you want for your life no matter what the reason is. 

Statistics in study after study show that the happiest people are single childless women., I’m happy, but more stressed than I would be if my son wasn’t autistic. I have 2 kids 5 and 7. 

My 5 year old is verbal but not conversational. It’s been a long road of getting kicked out of daycare, scrambling for childcare during school vacations, getting calls from teachers. That stuff is all what gets me stressed more than my actual kid. The rat race of it all. Never ending therapies and appointments. Everything is just harder like doctor appointments. People constantly trying to figure him out when in public. 

My 7 year old is typical. We live a pretty “normal” life. My older son plays lots of sports. My ASD one is easy going places. We do the movies, trampoline park, went to Disney. He goes to his brothers games. We go to the beach and pool, go on vacation, stay in hotels, fly on planes. No issues. Everything is pretty typical except the language delay. I think if that could catch up life would get a lot easier. I work from home which helps but I can’t have calls when my sons home. Even though he’s almost 6 I can’t tell him to be quiet while moms on the phone he doesn’t understand. 

My son isn’t interested in peers but that part doesn’t bother me. My older one is extremely social so we get that experience. Me and my husband are introverted so are more in line with my ASD son than the older one. 

I’m constantly burned out but not just because autism. I work full time and my husband has a crazy work schedule, we don’t have much family help, 2 kids therapy and sports  schedules, I’m in the middle of taking the cpa exam. Life’s just always crazy, but I know that my kids are my purpose and do it all for them 


I wouldn’t change it for a thing though, I love my guy., Autistic solo parent as well. If I didn’t have the resources to hire help I’d likely be depressed. I bought my village and it’s worth every damn penny., I have moments of pure joy. One of them was today. My son and I spent two hours playing at the ocean and on the forest trails. That was a happy time. During that time I was not burnt out or overstimulated. These moments don’t happen everyday but when they do, they have a way of balancing the rest., I might be a much needed person on the other side of the grass, but I'm incredibly unhappy. I have depression and due to my job, insurance isn't readily consistent, so I can't get therapy or medication, so I'm boarding alcoholic so I don't kms. I'm also autistic and the loud  noises my daughter makes triggers me, I don't like that it's hard for me to stim around her, she's too needy and requires attention that's hard for me because I often disassociate. She's low functioning.  She affects my sleeping and eating routines to cater to her. I have limited income, and we have differing pallets. So almost all my food money goes to her food, often leaving me for days without eating regularly. 

 My daughter is lovely, but society is not. The stress of what will happen to my daughter if I die. The stress of constant therapy, not being able to participate normally in activities like Christmas, halloween, and Easter due to my daughter sensory issues and tantrums. Not being able to talk to her. She can't  tell me she loves me or gives me affirmation. She cant tell me im doing a good job.  Constantly feeling like a failure as a parent.

I'm straight up miserable. I wouldn't wish my life on anyone. I lowkey gave up on my life, but I try to give my daughter everything I can. She's lowkey spoiled because I know life will be hard for her. And if I knew it would be this hard, I would've never had her. My life was 100% easier without a kid (asd or not). I find being autistic makes parenting a bit harder. I dont like how people will treat her in public when she stims or needs extra support. It stresses me out. Not for me but for her. I love her so fkn much im ashamed I brought her here. I wish our society was kinder to disabled people and kinder to parents., Yes I m very happy! My husband and I make lots of time after our kids go to bed for sex and emotional connection/conversation/quality time so we have a good relationship. I’m the primary caretaker of our 5yo (ASD) and 1yo (typical appearing). We have been extremely luckily that our son is a happy little boy. He’s nonverbal but for the most part he’s really chill. We follow his routine and he’s happy as can be. Lots of hugs, eye contact, face smushing, snuggling. He communicates as best he can and I can usually understand and my husband can usually figure it out 60-70% of the time. We do some “typical” family things like go to all inclusive night at our local museum, family photos, go trick or treating, go to the park. He tends to stress out if it’s too out of the ordinary like someone’s house or a restaurant so we don’t do that but we also have a literal baby lol. We live happily in our bubble. We love our kids. And more importantly we like them and their personalities.

Edited to add: I often get overstimulated but that’s where we communicate hey I need to tap out., Autistic single parent with level 2-3 autistic toddler. Like any aspect of life, there are ups and downs, but I can’t imagine my life without this kid. There are struggles but my overall quality of life and life enjoyment increased exponentially. It is the adventure of a lifetime 🌈❣️, No, I’m not happy. It’s been hell. I love my kids, but if I could make my older son be low support needs/verbal autistic or even NT, I would do it in a second.

But all I can do is my best and try to build superhuman patience., I am but my kid is 9 now and it has gotten a lot easier within the past year., Nope., Yes, very happy. People post when they have stuff to complain about. I spent all day on Sunday with my little dude. We spent a ton of the lay laughing and just joking around in our own distinctive way. It was a great day and nothing out of the ordinary. I didn't post about it because...well, why would I?, Honestly, I feel bipolar with how up and down everything is. A lot of times I'll say ""I hate my life"" but it's really a shorthand for ""I hate that this is currently my life"". I mourn the life I used to have, and sometimes I regret insisting to my husband that we should try for kid(s). I think about the life I could have had were it not for my miscarriages - would I still have had an autistic child? I don't know, and I probably need professional help to work through my losses (regarding the miscarriages, the life I could have had, the ""normal"" life my autistic child could have had, etc.). 

I'm still able to find joy in smaller moments and try to look forward to things in the future - just trying to survive this season of life., Had I seen this question a few days ago or maybe even a few days from now and I would have given you a different response, but no. Absolutely not.

I really wish I wasn't his mother. I love him so much but I wish he wasn't mine. Someone else could probably be a much better parent than me. It is just a feeling of constant failure no matter how hard I try it's never enough. I know it's not fair to him but I'm starting to resent him. And I hate myself for it. I hate that the only way he pays me any attention is if I bark at him like a drill Sargent. I hate doing it but if I don't then he is just 100% feral. We can't go to the park. He has no sense of danger and it hurts so much seeing kids so much younger than him just miles and miles ahead of him. I don't feel like a parent, I feel like a keeper.


Edit about 24 hours later:

I debated about deleting this comment due to the pure shame I feel about having written it. I'm going to leave it up because I want others who might feel like I did yesterday to read this part too:

I was able to get a good night sleep, and so was he. His behavior isn't really that much different than when I wrote the comment,but my tolerance threshold is much higher now that I've had some time to sleep. I was overjoyed earlier today because he finally wore his ear defenders outside and he was able to play while the neighbor mowed his yard. He bamboozled me today by putting on his boots and picking up his tablet and a blanket. I picked up the keys thinking he was asking for a car ride but he ended up taking me outside because he wanted to nap on the neighbors trampoline snugged up with me. I melted. 


I still feel awful and ashamed for saying I didn't want to be his mother anymore, but even when I had that on my mind the fact that I love him more than anything never changes., No. And I realize that others here have it worse but I fantasize about not having to deal with the constant daily challenges. I feel trapped because I don’t believe I could ever leave. She’s 8 now. And I’m not sure if or when or how she’ll be able to be an adult and able to live on her own. She’s been kicked out of 3 schools, has lost me multiple childhood friends, lost my friendship with my best man in my wedding, created rifts with close family. There’s no babysitter we can find who lasts so my wife and I rarely get a night to ourselves. She sleeps like an adult and I have to drag her out of bed every morning just so that she goes to sleep before 11pm. If I don’t let her do what she wants she screams, calls me the worst names, says she hates me. And I’m paying $1k a month for her therapy.

I wish someone would’ve told me there was a possibility that this could be my life. I thought that because I worked hard in school, got a good education, great career, high income, work from home, that I could be happy. And yet this is my life., We have a 18 YO NT Daughter at College, 16 YO NTish Son at Junior College & a ASD 3 almost 3 year old who is pre-verbal (knows 12 words now).

I would define our life as very “Complex” our normal looks very different then most people but we are happy. Tons of therapy and as an example we just had our first movie out in 3 years while LO was in ABA.

But he is so very Awesome. Like anything in life the world is ultimately what you make of it. Personal clarity is really the root of happiness., Honestly speaking, having an autistic kid is very hard on  the parents. After my daughter was diagnosed, my life turned upside down. I couldn't go back to work because she is severe. Someone has to take care of her or look after her. She is 5 years old. My husband works full time, and he has financial responsibilities, so he can not help me out all the time. So, now, I am stuck with her, and I don't have a choice. No babysitter or daycare wants to deal with her because she is extremely aggressive at times. My life sucks!!! I cannot work, I cannot go out when she is home (unless my husband is watching her) I cannot have time to myself because she is clingy and wants attention or food all the time. I have become a prisoner in my own home!!! 
She is completely non-verbal and has extreme sensory issues. Respite care is only 20 hours per month in the state I am in. Most respite care providers lack staff to even give you a break. Honestly, I hate my life, I regret everything. I regret getting married. I regret having my daughter. If I could go back in time and change it, I would. I am just so burned out and so fed up that at times, I don't want to deal with it at all, but I don't have a choice. I miss my old life..so, think before you make that decision...life is not going to be easy if you have an autistic child., If you’re having questions like this without kids don’t have them. Simple blunt and to the point., I love my son - not any more or less because his autism. I love him because he's him. His Autism is a DISABILITY  but does not define who he is as a person.

I absolutely hate his Autism. My son is level 3, pre-verbal but in actuality still predominantly non-verbal. Autism is parenting on EXTREMELY HARD mode. Some people will sugar coat the shit out of it but trust, it's not for the faint of heart. Don't let tik tok, Pinterest, Facebook and this other social media fool you. Autism isn't a cute quirk, or a different type of brain wiring. It's a disability that requires, for some families, an insane amount of resources and time. 

If you know you may possibly be autistic, have autism in either of your families then think long and hard about having biological children. It's ""cute"" when it's a 2 minute tik tok or a gushy validation seeking Facebook or even reddit post but when you're looking in the face of a person you love most in the world, who you chose to bring in this world and KNOW they will struggle more than a person who is not disabled it's not so cute. It's not so quirky. It's not AUSOME 🙄. It's more often than not heartbreaking.

Not coming for you, just giving you a perspective from a mother who loves her son more than her next breath but  if I would have known my son would be disabled I would have never ever offered him up to this world. He deserves so much better than what life has in store for him.

Much love., Omg I love my life and my son with autism is one of (if not THE) best part of it. I think jt comes from a partial place of privilege bc we’re dealing w mostly not huge “challenges” rn speech delay and lack of interest in peers. He’s 3 and I know things will be harder as he grows and little kid problems grow into big kid problems. But my day to day life is made better everyday from my son. Nothing makes me happier than seeing him happy and helping to contribute to whatever he’s super interested at the moment (rn it’s letters/the alphabet). Even today I can easily say the highlight was a new alphabet book I got him arriving and him screaming w happiness and kissing the book saying “so happy” after he finished looking through it each time., Wouldnt say happy. But i wouldnt say its because of my daughter either. I just had a child too young and the lack of resources and financing (i make a decent salary for my age but insufficient for where i live). Having children is to sign up for stress, anxiety, depression, etc. to at least some degree. 

The grass is never greener on the other side. 

I dont know what life would be like without her because shes here. And I wouldnt want a world without her. Even if i regret how/when/with whom i brought her into this world., You could ask this same question on a general parenting group and you would find the same varied replies. Not all autistic kids are the same with support needs and not all parents and sibling dynamics are the same. People are going to have drastically different experiences. Also, most people who are happy don’t go posting about being so happy. So you are only going to see venting. I would say the answer is it’s highly dependent on your personality, your kid, financial resources for help, a village to help, etc., Honestly, this is the wrong few weeks to ask me this. So as of right now? no 

There are *things* that make me happy, but on the whole? No., Apologies, I’m about to be the outlier here. And sorry this is long! 

At the moment, no, I’m not happy. My husband and I are pretty stressed out and have been since our daughter was born five years ago. She was only one when the pandemic started so we had the added stressor of trying to keep the baby and ourselves from catching covid. She would have gotten diagnosed earlier if not for the pandemic (for a variety of reasons, including *we had no idea that her behavior wasn’t typical* until she was about three years old, because we were pretty isolated, because stupid pandemic). We thought it was just the terrible twos until we saw what NT three year olds were like and realized something was off. 

We might be in a happier place now if Covid hadn’t happened, ha. The irony is that with pandemic plus a very needy baby at the time, we decided not to have any more kids…but our kid would probably do well with a younger sibling, and it would take some of the pressure off us to have to play with her all the time. 

As of now we can’t go out to eat at restaurants or do normal family things because our kid is kind of a nightmare when I’m around. Pretty sure she masks around everyone who isn’t me, so I see all the less than stellar behavior. She and her dad can go out and do stuff. She and I can’t. She runs away from me, doesn’t listen, screams at me, etc. ABA helps somewhat but not enough that we can do typical family things. 

My advice on having a kid: you should only have one if you absolutely want to!! I 100 percent wanted a child, had IVF to have her, and it’s currently not going as I had hoped (and that’s an understatement). I do have hope for the future, having read others’ stories here about their kids mellowing out as they get older.

You never, ever know what you’re going to get with a child. Having one is such a crapshoot. Usually it turns out okay. Sometimes it doesn’t. You have to be prepared for the unknown and okay with things not turning out how you hoped., My kid is the sweetest kid ever and my favorite person in the entire world. He makes me want to live forever to be there for him. My unhappiness is due to my own mental health, I probably should not have become a mom until I got that in check, but I am, and I have to be better for him., i’m really happy, but my daughter is also low support needs and really only struggles with social skills and is still quite far behind verbally. she’s naturally pleasant and easy going, and she doesn’t display any “extreme” behaviours, so this is probably contributing to my level of happiness. i am sure i would be absolutely crazy about her no matter her level of support needs, but we definitely have it pretty easy when it comes to parenting an autistic child., My son is 5 years old, level 3, and nonverbal. He's the love of my life and I'm extremely happy. I would do anything for him. Realizing that he was autistic finally made me apply myself, I now have a job with good insurance that pays for his ABA at 90% (plus HSA funds for the rest). I've earned two degrees in order to switch careers because I know he'll have high needs throughout his lifetime. That being said, of course the isolation, destructive behaviors, sleep disturbances, and communication difficulties add stress on top of having plenty of stressors in my life already. I do have to vent sometimes, being a parent of a child with his needs isn't for the faint of heart. I don't know anyone IRL who would understand what I'm going through so sometimes I have to whine online., So I can say as a parent of a Kid that has Level 1 and Auditory Processing Disorder.  I wouldn't want him to have kids.  The likely hood that his children would have Level 2 or Level 3 is highly likely.  He's got it bad enough i couldn't imagine having children knowing that they would have it harder than you.  I just don't think it's worth it and it's not fair to the child., The experiences are going to vary widely, but I think the most important thing here is that you are trying to find any sliver of hope to convince yourself to have kids. I think you were clear in your other thread that your boyfriend is the primary motivation behind this. 


I'll be blunt: even now, women tend to do the lion's share of childrearing and housekeeping. In a divorce, fathers tend to fare better than mothers, even years down the line. If you have a disabled child, there's a very real possibility it will impact your ability to work. About 50% of us can't work, myself included. 


These are very real, serious things you need to think about. 


I will be taking care of my children forever, of that there's no doubt. Had I known my husband was autistic, had I suspected I was, we wouldn't have had children. 


Because - it's not fair to bring a child into the world who will always depend on you. It just isn't. If we lived in an ideal world where public education was actually funded and many of us didn't have to homeschool, if group homes were adequately staffed and funded, etc., it would be a different story. But what we're seeing now will still probably be a battle decades from now.  


I love my kids. We have happy moments. My 9 year old can now do a lot more, but he will always need help. But my youngest will be 7 this year and it's becoming increasingly obvious how much more severe his autism is. He's leashed everywhere we go and we don't live a normal life with him. 


I am isolated a lot. It has absolutely taken a toll on my marriage. We spend some evenings together after the kids are in bed, but as the youngest gets up and down, there's always interruptions. We don't have a baby-sitter. 


I have good relationships with my kids - but make no mistake, there is no ""me"" anymore. I have about 7-10 hours a week to myself. That includes showering time. 


This is a very hard life. It'll probably impact you more than a boyfriend or husband. Think long and hard. , I’m definitely happy. My daughter is 20 and nonverbal. She is the happiest and sweetest person alive. It’s not without struggle of course. She’ll never be independent and I’m caretaking far longer than I would have ever imagined. Still I feel so grateful for her. She’s such an innocent and gentle soul. I can’t imagine having missed out on her. I take her out to fine dining places routinely and last year she went to her first live concert and to Disney World. All this took work over years to get here, but sharing these moments with her finally is an indescribable joy. 

That said, we have considerable privilege in that I work from home and my career pays very well. Money is not a concern. Im healthy and young. 

I’m entirely self made and a single parent so I also know the other side of it. This life is easier when you have resources and support and no other significant stressors. But I would say the same thing of having children in general. There just are no guarantees. Typical kids can be physically ill, malicious, destructive, unlikeable, violent or any number of other things., The hardest part about parenting to me is not having any family support. My kids, one is autistic and the other probably neurodivergent in other ways (in the process of evaluating him), are actually quite amazing. Yes, there are hard phases and moments. My hardest moment so far has been the transition to elementary school because my autistic son struggled to regulate his emotions when things got difficult for him. Now that we adjusted his IEP, he enjoys school. 

But I’ve never spent more that a couple nights away from my kids and they’ve never gone a night away from being with me or their dad. The few times they’ve been away from me was when I couldn’t go to my in laws house out of stateso they left with their dad (my hubby). So that part has been hard too, family doesn’t really help daily. They don’t offer sleepovers and my mom always made excuses about it, until I just stopped asking., I am autistic and a parent. I am beyond happy. Most of my life I was so depressed and anxious and burnt out. My husband and my kids changed and saved my life. Still tired but my husband is an awesome stay at home dad retired from the military I work swing shifts 5 nights a week. We have an awesome relationship we had kids after 10 years together. We have one child with ASD and one NT. 18 months away from the youngest starting school and then we will have school days together to ourselves, No. The intense stress is literally killing me. My health keeps deteriorating in new and fun ways, I never know what’s next., My wife and I are both professionals with advanced degrees. Our son was born back in 2017 and he's the sweetest boy you'll ever meet. We decided having additional bio children wasn't for us just because of how hard the pregnancy was. In July we adopted a baby girl.

My son got a tonsillectomy today and has spent the past 3 hours post-op screaming at us and not drinking.

Do I wish certain things were easier (for him and for me)? Of course. Anyone who says ""they wouldn't change a thing"" is painting that overly rosy picture to try and convince themselves. But there has not been a single day in his life that I have ever wished he wasn't here.

Your question tho was ""are you happy with your lives?"". Having a neurodivervent child is harder on your marriage, your personal life and your work life. But I am absolutely happy with my life. My answer would probably be different if I had to stay home all day as the primary care taker because I've found I need to work if even for my own sanity and feeling of self-worth. 

Whether it's something you'd be happy with is ultimately up to you, but I genuinely wish you the best of luck and thank you for your post. Seeing adults with autism having these kinds of debates give everyone of us grinding daily tasks that are harder than they should be hope for their future., I’m happy sometimes?  And not happy other times?  At this point, it’s not really because of the kids, though young children are A LOT, regardless of neurotype. 

Really, I would say I am satisfied and content. If I didn’t have kids I could not have fun infodumping about Pokemon with them and watching them see things I love to do for the first time with happy excitement. It’s really cool. But they’re still people. And so you have to be realistic., I have a very close relationship with my son, he cried so much as a baby and I found inventive ways to soothe him and therefore we developed such a close bond. He’s very cuddly and loving. We do most of the things NT families do, dinners vacations, parks, hikes. We just put probably a little more planning into it than NT families, making sure they have food that he likes, things like that, plan b for I’d things don’t work out. Stuff like that. It’s gotten easier as he’s gotten older and more mature. He’s also very funny and artistic. I don’t thinks I’d change a thing. I have NT kids too and they all have their own challenges that make parenting hard too. I don’t think having NT kids guarantees smooth sailing either. If anything I worry less about his problems with academia and behaviors because I understand him ajd his struggles more than NT kids who just lack motivation or are acting out., No. I have moments of happiness but they’re always tinged with sadness., "" I want to want a kid so badly.""

You don't want kids! You should tell your boyfriend that in very clear terms. Don't have kids because you think you should. 

I have three kids I always wanted to badly and I'm still drained and resentful a lot of the time. Even neurotypical kids are SO MUCH WORK. I'm not minimizing how much work it is to have an autistic kid - but neurotypical kids still don't sleep through the night, go on food strike, poop their pants, throw a huge tantrum about an iPad, etc. It's so tiring even on good days and I can't imagine doing this if it wasn't something I wanted deeply., I am absolutely happy with my life. My autistic kid is actually my easier one! My frustrations are with the world and how it fails to accommodate him — not my kid who is a total delight and surprises me all the time., Nope. 35 m with a son with ASD and likely ADHD and another son who seems to have avoided both. Constantly burned out, overstressed, irritable. Love my kids, and we're doing our best, but happiness feels a long way off., Yes overall.  Most of things I find hardest about our life are more to do with my son’s comorbidities like his epilepsy and disability.  My boy is generally a sweet easy going boy who loves cuddles and tries his best (well most of the time lol).  We also have a typical 3 year old and that is part of our happiness because we can do a  lot of things we envisioned with her and sometimes our boy is able join.  Do I wish things were different with him? Yes, but that doesn’t mean I regret having him.  I love him.  I like him as a little person.  I don’t mind this alternate path a lot of the time., I have a really hard time keeping my house clean but honestly that’s my biggest complaint so I think we are doing AOk and I’m very happy! Our daughter is really flourishing this year - she’s 7 and she just starting wanting to have conversations, she ditched her headphones and has been dressing herself and we’ve had zero accidents! There’s definitely really hard periods but that is life in general, sometimes it sucks, sometimes it’s wonderful lol, I mean, I’m not depressed. Do I wish things were different, yes. But I’m not necessarily unhappy., I have 2 kids, 4 and 2; my 4 year old was diagnosed with autism about a year ago. He’s verbal and “high functioning”, but there are still things we have to work on and cause stress. I’m in my early 40’s, female, and while not diagnosed, I (and my parents) suspect I’m on the spectrum. My son’s temperament, the way his autism presents is so similar to me as a small child. My whole life has felt like a struggle; relationships, work/career specifically, my mental health. I still struggle a lot of with anxiety and depression and was terrified to have children but wanted them so I gave it a shot (made me anxious, I can’t lie). I can say without a doubt motherhood is the best thing that ever happened to me. It’s not easy all the time, but they, these two little humans and their personalities, bring me more joy and happiness than anything life has ever brought me. It feels like a gift to be a parent, in my experience. Many days are hard, I’m a full time working mother so scrambling to meet deadlines while getting my son to appts, ABA, etc, is rough, but my husband is very hands on and other family members nearby have been a support system for us. I know not everyone has that but it is a huge help., Not just that your child could be autistic also consider how you as an autistic would handle any child regardless of neurotype. Kids are an around the clock job. They are loud, they are messy, they need attention even if you are in burnout. They make noise when you need some quiet. They have smells and messy diapers. There’s 0 days of bed rotting allowed and you have way more pressure to be organized and put together and everything cleaned and remember stuff like their appts and school things etc. It’s alotttttttt….

Comparison is the thief of joy. I try not to think what my friends with NT kids are doing because their reality is diff. Their kids are eating a variety of food, they’re not hitting themselves in the head, they’re not melting down over basic things, they’re not in some autonomy struggle where a time out or counting to 3 isn’t effective at stopping negative behavior. And it is isolating to not have people to talk to that don’t offer useless suggestions because they don’t understand., Hi, turns out my husband and I are both on the spectrum, we went into it thinking it was just him (adhd was my dx)

There are hard parts, for sure. I can't say how your experience will be. I can tell you my children are happy, and most weeks so are we. We can go to festivals on the lake, big outdoor concerts, a whole bunch of things. We can't go to a indoor restaurant as a family, the din is too much.
 It's stuff like that; you just have to plan around yourselves and your kids. My kids might have different needs than yours. But I just wanted to chime in and say it can be fun, happy, and rewarding. 

My husband almost never smiled. He didn't really get into much that wasn't his interests. I can't explain to you the joy our children have shown on his face and in his day to day. It's crazy sweet to witness.

That said; agree with other comments. If you don't want kids please don't feel pressured. You get what you get and they need from you in a way that can be hard to manage., I wouldn't change my life for anything. My children give me purpose.
Yes, I'm overwhelmed, so so overwhelmed and burnt out but I love being a parent and I love their quirks and watching them both stim.
I just hope it gets easier managing 2 autistic children who have totally different needs.
I don't have a village to help me, I do 99% alone apart from school. The oldest doesn't sleep good.

If you are unsure about kids then don't let anyone try and talk you into it. Consider what you'd be giving up, make sure your partner is good with kids and especially clued up on potentially having an autistic child (or more than one).
Talk about how you'd raise the child, what values and ideals you want to teach them, parenting goals etc.
The mental load is also something to consider. Does your partner contribute to that now? Because if not it only gets worse when you have children.
I separated before my 2nd was even born because I wouldn't settle for a deadbeat., Firstly- I 1000% agree with prior post. If you don’t have a deep yearning for children, don’t have them. 
Second- my life has many happy moments. It also has many moments of despair. There are times when I feel weighed down by a thousand responsibilities. 
Third- don’t have kids unless you are 100% ready to deal with the consequences of a very low functioning child. My husband and I both know autistic kids from prior relationships. We both love our sons desperately, but it’s not a life I would volunteer for anyone. 
Fourth- it doesn’t end at 18. Are you willing to have a life often dictated by what your child can do? Are you prepared for the financial consequences?

If I had known beforehand that I would have an autistic child, then I would have adopted. I love my son, and that is part of the problem. I can’t protect him from the world. I can only support him. His life will always be a struggle, and that is not a life I would choose for a child, I'm very happy with my life. I was dx with autism the same time as my son. He is my world, and I love him so much that I'm having another in June. I don't even think about our dx most of the time. It's just a part of who we are. My family does better at life than most neurotypical people, so who the hell is anyone to judge me for living my best life?, I'm happy! I had and have problems and stressors, but none of it has outweighed my natural optimism and all the great things my life. And for the past three years, my daughter has been a big part of (both parts of) that. 

Is it a lot of work to keep up on all her therapies? You betcha. But all kids are a lot of work, so that was a given going into this. I have an extra workload, but I was never going to not be busy and tired as a late 40s single parent. 

Do I worry about her future? Absolutely. But I'm also very aware that I have it easier than most - she's very chill, fairly adaptive, and very smart. Happy and bouncing all around like a gummi bear. And once I knew she had receptive language, I was able to unclench. If she's never truly verbal (which her therapists do think she will be), we'll figure it out. She gets her messages across very clearly right now (and I'm basically deaf to body language or gestures, so she has to be broadcasting VERY LOUDLY), and we haven't even gotten to writing or an AAC yet. 

This weekend, we're heading off to Mexico on vacation for two weeks. Last year we went to Disney World. We don't get out nearly enough in general, but that's me being a lazy hermit, not her not wanting to. We go to the playground. The Please Touch Museum. Local fairs and theme parks. Play in the snow. There are places I can't take her (indoor malls, mostly), and things she can't do (fireworks, for instance, or parades). and places that used to be hard to take her but aren't anymore (out for meals springs to mind), but that doesn't mean we're trapped at home., Not happy. Don't have kids., Yes. While kids may be harder some days than others, we live a very peaceful, happy life as a family unit. Both hubby and I find time to pursue our hobbies and even do date nights once a month.

That said, 3-4 were really the hell years for our oldest, and things were bleak at that point., I am incredibly happy. 3 kids, 2 with autism, and a husband that works away from home all week long. It’s hard, sometimes I feel like I’m going to lose my mind, but I wouldn’t change a single thing., I have two autistic kids, one of which also has ADHD. I'm diagnosed ADHD and suspect autistic as well.  Our lives are good.  We do have some challenges that NT families don't, but the way I see it, all families will have different challenges. We do things that work for our family.  Sometimes that means skipping experiences, or different methods of doing things, or needing extra support, and that's OK.  I wouldn't trade my kids for the world. I have posted about struggles in harder times, but it's not that I resent or regret my kids, it's that I know there are people who will understand without judgment., My happiness (joy) does not come from having my children or their fluctuating levels of difficulty. Don't get me wrong - I greatly enjoy my children and I also face many frustrating circumstances with them too. They are a huge source of joy and love in my life, and I'd like to think more so than a source of heartache and frustration.

But I went many years without knowing two of my children and myself are likely on the spectrum (we are not professionally diagnosed yet) and while it's been very helpful in developing patience, understanding, and grace - both with myself and my kids - it has not been the make-or-break factor in determining how my life is going to go. 

Much of the big changes to living a happier, healthier life have been spiritual for me. I know not everyone will agree with me and that's okay. You don't have to. My greatest source of joy is my relationship with Jesus Christ. Everything has gotten better and easier to handle once I trusted in Him. It has put us in contact with mentors and people that are like family to us that are guiding us on this journey (and they have ASD kids and relatives too!).

A lot of this growth has come with mindset changes and getting rid of old beliefs I used to have about children/families that came from trauma and from growing up in a rather toxic household. (We are NC now and I have never had more peace!) Tackling these issues head on has relieved a lot of the anxiety and stress I used to have around managing kids, a house, a marriage, homeschooling, etc. The last 2 or 3 years have been the best I've ever had, and I can finally hope and believe that things are going to get even better for us still. 

But ultimately it's been a choice. Sure, there will be difficult days, stressful days, but also happy days and days to celebrate. I cannot and will not push you one way or the other about having children - that's your decision. Whatever you decide, will you choose to look for the positive or the negative in life? Because your joy will not be found *only* in children or parenting.,  I had no idea I was autistic and now I have 3 very young autistic kids. The stigmatization is very difficult and the constant advocating, standing up for your kids and proving people about your kids are exhausting. I got much more criticism from families than strangers which is very hard. I am lucky my kids appear to be level 1-2 I guess. My older son is pretty darn rigid especially at evenings but other than that he is fine., I’m happy but I do feel I’d be happier if I could communicate and connect with him more. That’s my answer., We seem to oscillate between look at us with our collective shit together and there’s been no aggressions, no one has gotten crab pinched, everyone is CHILL. Then there are times I pick him up from his dad and he bashes his head into the closed car window and usually once I get onto i95, he will unbuckle his restraints and come for my neck quite literally. My son is non speaking, but I feel I fulfill his wants and needs. He is as quick to respond in a loving manner with hugs and kisses as he is to hurt me, or his younger brother. We are his two targets when he is upset. I have remarried, years ago. My husband and son have a very special bond and my husband also just naturally has more patience than I do. He also has four of his own children with his ex wife. The man has experience. My ex husband and his wife have a bad habit of leaving our son out of family gatherings and parties. I can understand going to unfamiliar places with unfamiliar faces. But we take him to gatherings. The pool. The zoo. The park. It’s difficult though since he loves all of those places, I look like a kidnapper trying to get him to leave. 

I love my boys. I love all six of these kids. He does add a level of trickiness to things we do. We have to be vigilant as he will cut and run. I feel like since we share custody, we get a “break”. My youngest son, who as I said is a target oftentimes, does not get a break from his brother. There’s a lot of anger surrounding that. My youngest is in therapy on his own and also we do family work together. 

Some days are better than others. Sometimes I have to go hour by hour. It’s the nature of the beast. Plus he’s almost 14. Imagine being a 14 year old boy and going through puberty and feeling so confused. We explain but I honestly and say what he retains and processes. 

Don’t get depressed over what could possibly be, you’d never get very far. There’s so many variable in parenting and having a family that meshes well. It’s impossible to plan for everything. If you’re thinking this deeply about it, you’re already aware of what COULD happen. When I close my eyes and think of my Parker, I mostly see a giggly goofer with floppy hair that just wants a tickle and some seltzer water. That’s a pretty picture for me to have in my mind., You don’t.  If you do not want kids then you don’t want kids.  If he does then you two have a major incompatibility and likely need to move on to other partners who share the same life goals.   He will resent you eventually for not wanting kids and if you decide to appease him then you may resent him for pressuring you.    I know parents of neurotypical kids that are unhappy and I know parents of autistic kids who are happy with their children.   My ex has 2 autistic girls and is very happy with them.    I find my son to be challenging but not the reason for my unhappiness.  If anything he is the reason I left a horrific relationship my life may not be what I had envisioned for myself but it’s soo much better than it was before., I get told all the time what a dear my autistic child is.  He is smart (reading at 3) , social (have to rein him in) and loves to compliment people.   What I’m unhappy with has nothing to do with him.  He is my joy., Hell yeah I’m happy, Having a NT son first, before my NueroSpicy younger son ended up helping me understand this question. 
I only have boys, but BOTH of them are equally hard., >But are there any parts of your life that are genuinely good.

There are some good parts, yes. Overall I am not happy but that doesn't mean it's ALL bad.

>Are you able to do any of the normal and fun things that neurotypical families do?

Some things, yes. My autistic child is able to handle some activities really well. Strangely, she did amazing at Disneyland lol. She enjoys being in nature so we do a lot of hiking and camping. But other ""normal"" things like eating at a restaurant is usually a no-go.

>Do you have a good relationship with your child and your spouse?

I have a good relationship with each of my children. They have their moments where it's all about dad and they don't want me, but for the most part yes. My spouse is another story, though. Our relationship has definitely suffered since having children.

>Are you ever not burnt out depressed irritable and overstimulated? 

I have brief moments where I'm not irritable and overstimulated but that describes probably 90% of my life., It's ok to not want kids if you don't want them , it's your life . Live it how you want . 
I have a son with Autism and I can't lie at one point I wasn't sure if I could carry on because he was really aggressive and hurting me . BUT that was partly my fault , he can't talk but I wasn't listening . We forget there's a hundred ways to communicate. Once I learnt to watch his cues and listen to him he calmed down so much. He's so much more affectionate and he's happy ! I'm happy ! I love my life now and we work together . I just don't do things with him that other kids do but that's ok . I hated going to the park as a kid and kicking a ball and as someone without autism I love being at home and hate going out so for us we connect haha 
Once you realise that there are so many things you can do that makes you both happy ie we love spinning and chasing each other , love bouncing then you can find things together . But you have to work at that ., My (now 9 year old) daughter is the very best ‘thing’ that has ever happened to me.  She is the light of my life and the joy of my heart.  I’m so amazed by how thoughtful, kind, silly, and sweet she is!  

I’m so thankful every single day for her.  It took us over a decade of trying to be able to have her (on my second cycle of IUI at a fertility clinic).  Life is really hard and messy and beautiful.  She makes me want to be better and do better.  It’s a rocky road but it’s getting better through a lot of hard work.  
Anything worth having is worth working for.

I highly recommend working on your own mental health and your relationship before you try for kids.  Once you have children, everything changes, and it’s much harder to manage self-care.  If either of you have childhood trauma, please address it asap as it is really triggered when you have your own children., It's ok to not want kids. My 3 year old is level 2 and if he makes the choice as someone who's autistic not to have children I'll 100% support him. But as for your question I'm very happy to be the mother of an autistic child and as far as we know a NT child(he's only 4 weeks old). Of course it can be hard especially because I'm bipolar so I get a little wonky at times but I find my life with children very fulfilling but yes over stimulating more so when the toddler and baby are crying at the same time., What does it mean to be happy to you?, I am the parent of a young child (6m). My stress is not to do with my child per se, but rather the frustration of trying to suss out services/resources. 

One thing I have learned in life is that everything is a matter of outlook. I came to parenthood relatively late in life(early 40s). In my 20s I focused a lot on the negative things that happened in my sphere of existence. I was not ready to be a parent then. Somewhere around 29 I realized that s**t happens to everyone. It is just a matter of whether or not one allows that mess to be the focus of the rest of one’s day. It was eye-opening and definitely worked to reset my approach to daily living. I didn’t become a different person, but I did work to be less triggered by things I could not control. 

There came a time in my 30s when a kind of calm just settled over me about becoming a parent and it felt absolutely cosmically right to have a child. I am supremely grateful that I get to discover the world through his eyes and also that I get to help him learn to develop the tools to deal with the world around him. You, OP, may be in an even better place to help your child because unlike me you are also on the spectrum. 

Is it challenging? Hell yes, but the majority of what makes me frustrated comes from external issues, such as the lack of coordination with respect to available resources and the fact that there is no one place to find them.  

You never know who your child is going to be personality-wise, regardless of their place on the spectrum. You could have a typical child that challenges you more than any other child might. You could have a child on the spectrum that is amazingly easy personality-wise., No. Always tired, have had to give up pretty much everything that gives me joy because of lack of childcare, about to have to lose a career I worked hard to build (and is the last thing I enjoy as everything else has been stripped off me) as child can’t go to school, plus all the battles with institutions that should be helping but are not - even after a good fight.
Life is just more of the same frustrations, getting through each day knowing tomorrow will be the same - or worse. The constant threat of poverty due to the lack of appropriate resources to my child and my likely inability to work in the near future because of that. 
The very little engagement I get back from my child after all that. 
It’s lonely and it’s tiring., I haven’t been genuinely happy in years. I can’t remember what joy feels like. I don’t think I can even feel my soul anymore. Sorry it’s bleak!, I’m a “high functioning” autistic woman, with a 6 year old low functioning, non verbal daughter. Her father abandoned us after being ingolved for five years of her life -he was the one who wanted to get me pregnant and manipulated me into avoiding abortion- , he doesn’t pay child support and left me to be the default parent (as always, only this time is worse because I’m almost all alone). My life is hell everyday, and I wish I was dead most of the time., I am AuDHD with two AuDHD children and I would say that I am happy. I’ve always struggled with anxiety and depression and have a massive amount of past trauma, but I’m as “happy” as I have ever been. This life is hard though. Being a parent is overwhelming most of the time but also very rewarding. However, I always knew I wanted kids. Even though it is a very hard life, I couldn’t imagine not having kids. But if you aren’t 100% sure you want kids, don’t have them. If you don’t have a deep longing to have children and feel like your life isn’t complete without them, don’t do it. Being a parent is a 24/7 commitment for 18 years and doesn’t just end at 18. I didn’t know I was AuDHD when I had kids. I’m overstimulated and exhausted basically all the time. I love them dearly though and do the best I can for us all. I would lay down my life for my kids in a heartbeat but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel like I’m about to lose my mind at any given moment. One warning I can give you though, don’t count on having any help. Your bf may be a great person, but 98% of fathers don’t provide half the childcare or emotional support, not to mention the cleaning and running the household. If you decide to go through with having children, don’t do it unless you are prepared to be the primary parent with no support. Mothers often can’t count on family or friends to help either. I moderated a mom support group and the horror stories I read would give you nightmares., im happy for the most part but i think if i had another child, who most likely would be autistic, id lose it and feel regret. my son is only 3 years old and we’ve had a lot of hard moments. its been a real journey navigating this life with an autistic child that the thought of going through it all again makes me already regret it lol. If you don’t want any children, listen to yourself. In the end, moms carry the heavier load of parenting (i know not always but usually) and it can really take a toll on you. i’m pretty sure i’m autistic as well and if i would’ve known before, i wouldn’t have gotten pregnant. I love my son but I think my mind/body can only handle him., I looked at your other post and I think all of your worries are valid. It's hard. It's really really hard to be neurodivergant with neurodivergant kids, but it is doable. I would suggest ensuring you have all of these items in place before having children: 1) a really strong supportive long lasting relationship with someone who understands neurodiversity and is able to support you during tough times 2) other support people and services like housecleaning, babysitting, therapy etc 3) lots of money so you don't have to work crazy hours outside of the home AND parent 4) healthy coping methods like art, music, whatever 5) access to services for early intervention (if needed) for your child., Very happy. Also very appreciative of having a ND child. Has made me a better and more caring, compassionate person, I am truly happy with my life. My 5 year old is autistic and every day she wakes up I tell her I’m so happy to be her mama. We have our challenges but I’m happy and so is my family., It depends on the day. As of late things have been shit as my son has been having self injury screaming fits for bedtime. Both my husband and I tag team restraining him. It really fucking sucks. If it gets worse, we’ll have to call an ambulance to take him somewhere., What really torments me, is knowing that I'm going to die and leave my autistic child behind. He has a lot of capability, but I don't think he'll ever be *completely* independent. Other than that, I think I'm pretty happy. I have a wonderful husband, and we're financially secure enough to easily afford anything we need. 

My son is pretty happy, loves school, laughing, cuddling, etc. He is a lot of work, but he also makes me very happy (as does his NT sister)., Not happy. If I could go back I wouldn’t have had children., I love my life- i have two kids with ASD. There’s a lot of appointments and therapies which is hard but worth it. And a lot of late nights. My husband seems neurodivergent (and by that I mean undiagnosed) and understands our oldest way better and can better anticipate her needs in a helpful way (just as an example- counting down as I brush her hair because “she just needs to know it’s going to be over” and he was right that helps her a lot) I think being a parent is hard and all parents feel pressure to be a perfect parent and maybe that’s more intense when you have kids with different needs especially because you see all these therapists and specialists. 

Everyone is slipping on a banana peel away from a disability- which I mean anyone could develop a disability at anytime and life is unpredictable so I wouldn’t let that hold you back because nothing is guaranteed anyway- even for neurotypical kids. Some people are neurotypical and easy to raise- but still grow up to be jerks. Every person born is a chance to make the world a better place. And if you decide it’s not for you that is totally ok too- there are lots of ways to share that love in your heart without having a child., Very happy! With added disclaimer that I think we have it pretty easy with my 3yo.  Harder than my friends with NT kids. But much easier than many of the parents here in this community. And that certainly affects the experience.

He’s got a few words, getting more, though inconsistent. He doesn’t have trouble telling us what he wants (body language + vibes lol). The harder part is his very limited receptive language. But hey, he has some now and a year ago it was literally zero, so progress.

He is snuggly and affectionate. Silly and sweet. He also pinches and bites me at times (I’ve got some battle scars). And tests limits allllllllll the time.

But being his mom is a joy. It’s tiring and I get overstimulated. But we are one and done, so we can tag out to recharge when needed.  

Which is a key reason I can come here and say I’m happy, and mean it., Yes, I am. Even though my 3yo is autistic I feel I got really lucky with most things. She doesn’t have many behaviors, she sleeps through the night, we can easily engage with her. She’s nonverbal but she has her ways of telling us what she wants/needs. I also have older kids 7yo & 9yo and she doesn’t play with them much but she can tolerate being around them without getting upset that someone is in her space. I thank God for her, she’s saved me in more ways than one and made me look at life in a whole new perspective 🩷, If your sole pursuit in life is to be ""happy,"" you'll be a prisoner of this chase forever.  Raising kids in general is a tough business.  There are so many factors out of your control it's a miracle that they can make it so far, with all the help and village (or lack thereof) to raise them.  It's all about perspective; there will be good times, bad times, ugly times and hard times.  This is regardless of whether your kids is neuro divergent with ASD or any other health/mental/genetic abnormalities.  You have to take a leap of faith and understand your child may or may not be who you thought they're going to be.  For many parents with kids that have ASD diagnosis, it's not about finding the typical happiness of rearing a child, but finding deeper meaning in hopes of preparing their kids for a future that they deserve despite having their disability.  Good luck and I hope you the best in whatever you decide., I love my children with all of my heart, might, mind, and soul. My 9 year old is ND and my 6 year old is NT. My NT kid is just as hard if not harder than my ND kid. And Yes I am happy. Not content but happy. It gets easier as they get older. Not easy, but easier and helping them figure out life and what works is the best and when something clicks for them, oh my gosh. I love when he figures things out. Sometimes he will write notes and it’s like wow you are listening and learning and they are such happy parent moments. He’s the best kid ever (I’m absolutely biased.) and I wouldn’t change our journey because it’s make me, him, his sister and his father better people. We have learned so much on this journey. I love my life. I really do., I often do this thing where I time travel in my head, try to meet my partner earlier, go into a different career, avoid bad experiences or horrible people but every single time I abandon the daydream - because even in a make believe moment I don't want to jeopardise anything via butterfly effect that would stop her coming to me, *exactly* as she is., I will agree with the comments saying don't have kids unless you want them. SERIOUSLY!?! I sometimes think the boomers didn't want children, but they did so because they were supposed to..."" they seem like they hated having children.  I digress. 

In all seriousness,  I wanted children since I was an adult.  I am autistic and my oldest (5) is autistic.  My youngest is very different from my oldest, and we're not seeing any of the signs we saw with the older one of autism. We'll see as she gets older. 

I've never questioned the difficulties and whether or not it's worth it.  I am fulfilled most days,  even though it's tough.  It's easy to complain and vent about the hard stuff.  My oldest had an upset stomach on the drive home from school today and was screaming in the car.  I wanted to start screaming myself from her ear piercing screams.  But then I remember that my parents were quick to anger and quick to violence,  and I'm suddenly happy that my daughters get to grow up in a home where they feel like they belong and are loved and accepted as they are. 

Yes,  I'm trying to give them a life I didn't have,  but I also love the things we do together. We go camping,  we learn stuff together,  I share my experiences, and, although the older one doesn't say it very often,  I know she loves me and nothing even comes close to that feeling. The youngest is in a daddy phase and I can't get enough.  Even if she wants me in the middle of the night or when I don't have much in the tank.

It's hard to imagine a world where you are a slave to their every need,  but once you're in it,  the world you used to live in sewms a little less exciting. I do miss some of the freedom, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. I love it. 

But remember,  if you choose to have kids,  you commit.  There's no going back.  Once you're in it,  you're in it for life. Dive head first and don't look back., This is a bit philosophical, so bear with me, but happiness is relative. Happiness is not the goal to achieve in the end. Happiness is the journey. 
One can choose to be happy no matter the circumstances, and there is joy in little things. You can have the perfect life but still be unhappy, and you can have nothing and yet be happy.

I love my autistic child more than anything, and yet I struggle sometimes, even cry, but I wouldn't change my life, not one bit. I enjoy every moment, no matter if it breaks my back. 

I share this thought knowing that it all sounds a bit holier than thou, and it's not something people who are struggling want to hear, but I know there are parents here who think the same way. This is also something I learned at a young age, but it takes a lifetime to really imbibe it and make it a part of your core.
So, to answer your question, yes, there are people here who are truly happy. There are people with neurotypical kids who are the definition of unhappy. It's all a matter of perspective., I am but my son is still small so I worry about the future. I’m currently pregnant with my second., Just something to keep in mind is your child might have much higher support needs than you do. So make sure you have a lot of support. 

Also I think being am autistic parent is harder in general whether your kid is NT or ND just because of the sensory overload etc 

Do what's feels right for you! The spectrum is so wide, people will have vastly different experiences., Hmmmm. While I am happy, Im in the stage of my life where it is getting kinda easy, but slowly.

Our son is 2, almost 2.5. Progressively getting better! We are extremely proud of his progress, however it is hard. The tantrums, the stimming, not being able to successfully communicate, texture and feeding issues, and his lack of social skills.

Aside from those, I can say we take our son to many child filled events. And my kid sticks out like a sore thumb, to me. To any other parent he’s a cute 2 year old, but we know where he falls short so when he is around kids his age it is noticeably sad for us. We want better for him always, but it is hard to not compare, or wonder how life would be. 

I think as a parent of an autistic kid, you have to really remember the spectrum is different for every kid. Your struggles may not be my struggle, but it does get easier. It just takes time. 

My son did a 180 from last year, to this year and boy has it made life easier in many ways. Still challenges, but hey… progress is progress.

Goodluck, Content and generally happy, Yes - but not blissfully so - we are not Facebook/insta perfect in my household - haha. My SN child is my youngest of 4. Honestly, I can say each kid has their own annoyances and difficult behaviors depending on their stage in life. Sometimes all the kids are difficult all at the same time (or frustrating) and sometimes everyone is okay for a bit, with every combination between. We been at this parenting stage for long time now - our oldest is in college and we just started SN/integrated preschool in the fall for the youngest. 

Some days are dreadful and take everything in us just to make it to the end of a day (or when the day ends after every both of the sometimes insomniac littles finally falls sleep at 5-8am - Finally!! ). And some days are much easier than others, there may be less arguments that day and I just might see the special bond building between the kids, or my almost verbal youngest kid learns a new phrase and those days are when I feel like I'm rocking parenting and my heart just sails. 

My husband and I talk a lot about what if we hadn't had the last 2 kids ( one NT , one SN) and we always agree, we couldn't imaging our lives without them exactly as they are. Yes, I wish their lives would be easier to live through (especially the SN kiddo) but I wouldn't give them up or trade them for an ""easier kid"". We encourage special interests and try to make decisions for each kid based on what is best for them that year regarding schooling and activities. Be weird and unique and learn to laugh at yourself before anyone else has the chance.
We use these mantras to encourage each other....
"" the days (and phases) are long, but the years are so short."" and 
""When you're going through hell the only way out is to put your head down and keep goin til your through to the other side""

It can suck  sometimes, but the good times get us through the bad times. It's life set on hard difficulty, but not impossible mode.

At the end of the day, I make myself pick one good thing to be grateful or happy for so that I can count it as a small win., If you’re aware and prepared to have them then why not? Teach them about mental health early on and educate them. It was only a problem for me because mental health wasn’t talked about with me and my siblings. Break the stigma and educate. You can have bpd and be a good parent with treatment and that being said my oldest is autistic but we suspect our 2nd baby isn’t because he doesn’t have muscle weakness like my first did and he’s already reaching every milestone he’s supposed to be doing. Sometimes mental health issues can skip generations so it’s not even a 100% guarantee each of your kids will have anything. I drew the unlucky straw and got my dads mental health issues but one of my sisters and my brother are mentally well. But in all fairness if my mom didn’t cause trauma and I knew about what I had then I think I would have been fine., I’m content. I’ve been pursuing happiness since long before I had my daughter, but it’s elusive no matter what your life circumstances are. I often thought I have it easier than parents of NT kids. She’s 17 now and it’s not all sunshine and roses, but I wouldn’t say I was unhappy., How old are you? Had i waited until i was in my 30s, i would probably be happy and able to handle a difficult child. I became a parent when i was just entering adulthood.  I was learning to be grown while being responsible for a new life., I'm extremely happy. I love my son dearly and I know he loves me., My answer may vary day to day—even on hard days I’m happy, and even on easy days I can fall into a black hole. But more often than not I feel happy. My daughter will always need help, the world won’t always be kind, but I feel love and give love to her. It’s a gift. But again, ask me tomorrow and I may feel sorry for myself, sorry for my kid, and pissed at the world., Hey mom of two with one ASD son and another that as of now seems to be NT (9 months so a bit early to tell). Autism as my husband and I discovered seems to run on his side and on mine we have a lot of anxiety/adhd. We are very lucky to have an overall easy and happy child and truthfully the luck and support seems to be what makes our life easier. We do have hard days where neither boy is happy or I’m overwhelmed or my husband is. But we make it work and we make time. We have a lot of very supportive family that is always able to watch the boys for us to go and be a couple and just get a break. We did have a hard with our son’s initial diagnosis, but since then we’ve learned to celebrate all of his accomplishments and advancement. We both love our boys very much and care for them, having had them willingly and consciously. Funnily enough our NT presenting child is actually who my husband has struggled with more. So I feel like everyone’s situation is different. We find joy in going out as a family and introducing our sons to new experiences but again all situations are unique since our son is pretty easy going and loves to try new things. At the end of the day I find that those that consistently regret children the most are the ones that had to convince themselves into having them. Children should be a choice that you make enthusiastically. Because it’s better to possibly regret not having had a child than regret having had one., If you would have asked me 2 years ago, I would have replied, "" Hell no! 1 star--would not recommend."" I would have gone back in time and talked myself into sterilization. We almost didn't survive. 

Things are better now, but I am still working through a lot of C-PTSD from the rough years. I still struggle to feel ""motherly"" towards my eldest (17M/lvl3/ in residential due to violence). The little dude (14/lvl3) is alright though. He has his meltdowns occasionally but nothing like his brother and we can handle it. Haven't had to call the cops once yet (for violence, that is...he is an eloper but we have him tagged now). 

I'm glad we made it, but the dark days were baaaad. I'm glad I didn't let the darkness win and end up on the evening news. 

If I knew what I was going to have to go through, then I probably wouldn't have been brave enough to do it. 

I'd be a lot richer too, but that's a minor consideration for me., Happy is an emotion that comes and goes with current factors.  Some days/seasons we’re far from happy. It’s miserable and it feels like we’re in endless darkness. 

Other moments bring unthinkable happiness…my little guy finally catching a specific species of fish he’s been reading about, or finding a giant sketchy snake, or sharing his extreme enthusiasm for Moby Dick.  


Overall, it’s tough. But God made our dude unique.  There are 9 billion people on earth and not one is like ours.  So after the meltdowns and punching and violence and social problems and broken furniture and etc… God wanted us to have him and we buckle up and do what we need to do., Am I happy with my life? YES! I absolutely love my kids. And I have an amazing, supportive spouse who is active in raising our kids. Is our life perfect? Do we get to do everything we want to do? Absolutely NOT. I gave up a lot of myself and hobbies even when my first kid was born and hes not diagnosedwith ASD. 

I used to be an avid snowboarder, some people take their kids at a young age but I didn't, my oldest was a lil slow on milestones but never flagged for autism. I used to camp a lot and go on long backpacking/camping hikes, camping with a little with ASD, not potty trained and prone to eloping would cause me more anxiety than it was worth. Hoping to start going on easy camps again in the future but haven't mustered up the courage yet. We used to go to comic-cons and large social events with our oldest but those things also became too much with a high needs kiddo who doesn't like crowds. I haven't been to see a movie in theaters since before my youngest was born either. 

Kids, whether ND or NT will cause your life to change. You might not be able to do some things you take for granted now. But I'm also quite anxious and over cautious in general. Having kids should be something you really want, and you should be prepared for your life to change regardless of whether they are NT or ND. Never let someone else pressure you into having kids. If you do, you could come to resent your potential kids and no kid deserves to grow up feeling unwanted. Life is hard enough as it is., Tired sometimes, but overall a very happy husband and father. My kid is a double rainbow baby. Two heart wrenching miscarriages before him. We really wanted a child, and we were blessed with a child during probably the roughest part of our marriage. But I swear since he was in the womb he’s been trolling us, and I mean that in a sincere “haha” way and not a bitter way. Parenting isn’t easy. Parenting a rambunctious, inquisitive, autistic 3 year old is probably more so. When I see parents of younger toddlers just walking in a parking lot with their kid just following them and not holding hands I always let out a “must be nice”. 

I’m very fortunate though. My kid rarely if ever melts down. He’s getting better every day with communicating. He goes to school and daycare so my wife and I are able to work full time and he seems to be doing well in that environment. As he gets older things may change but right now I am happy. He is a great kid., Life has challenges by itself, it does not matter if you have kids or not. I had my son until I was 37, because I did not want to have kids, but my husband did, we are separated now and I am with my kid.  Life :)
I was not totally happy without my kid, do not think that kids would make you happy or unhappy.
What is really important is that you be surrounded of a good group of people, that are there for you.  Identify things that you enjoy before kids, so when you feel that you need a me time being a mom, you just have this list of things and ideas that would help you.
Every decision has a new joys and responsibilities, that we were not use to.  If you buy a car you now have to remember to take it to service for oil change, now you can get a flat tire, save money for the gas, you have to clean it, and you can drive farther and see new things., Hi. I don't think you should have a child unless you really want one, otherwise it's very likely you might end up resentful which would be disastrous for both you and your child.

Also there's so many variables with raising someone neurodiverse whether you're neurodiverse or not (My husband was neurodiverse, I have some characteristics but I'm sort of borderline but my father and two of my siblings are most likely neurodiverse). I have four children. My oldest is turning 21 and is autistic (I'm not sure how levels work, but she has a lot of anxiety, is verbal and in college, then i have 17 year old triplets, one who has ADHD and emotional challenges, two boys who are autistic, one is similar to his sister. The other is a lot less self aware, has ADHD.  He didn't start really talking until 4 or 5 but now talks all the time about his favorite subjects.

Some of the following you probably know from your own experience so apologies if i sound pedantic here.

1. How hands on will your boyfriend be?
2. **How much support will you have?** What I mean is state support, community support or family support? I live in a community that considers helping others to be a huge priority. Because of that I had a lot more support.  I don't have much family support as until recently I didn't have family living near me. I live in NYS which provides a lot of support. That makes a HUGE difference.
3. Since it's a spectrum (which you know of course0 **it's impossible to really know how much needs your child would have.** I have it easier because my autistic kids are relatively easy to manage.  Nobody's a runner. Two of them will most likely be able to be independent.
4. This is related to point 1. **Kids have way more services than adults do.** My sister in law lived in Ohio but moved back to NY because when her daughter turned 21 there didn't exist any programs for her. In her case her daughter has down syndrome, but it would be the same for an autistic adult,  a My niece has day programs, also goes away some weekends and has a multiple week summer program she goes to that otherwise my SIL is an empty nester (she's in her 60s) that makes a huge difference in her life.
5. **How was your childhood?** I grew up in a single parent household with 4 siblings (we were 5 all born within six years) for most of my childhood. That helped prepare me for having kids and also eventually for widowhood eight years ago. It doesn't mean life is easy, but my expectations were different than my mom having five children when she grew up with one sibling seven years younger than her with a perfectionist mother.

Okay so after all THAT I'll answer your question.

As a parent I've been overwhelmed in different ways. When my oldest was 18 months she had a seizure. That's not uncommon apparently with autistic kids but I didn't know this until this year when speaking to another parent. Do I regret having my children. Never. That said, I had factors that made it easier. 1. I had a lot of community support. We have an organization for families of special needs that has been amazing. 2. I live in one of the best states for raising autistic kids. That doesn't mean it's been easy. But it's been easier. 3. I had a husband who wasn't always present but very supportive. 4. My kids are verbal, and for the most part easier to parent. That said my oldest has a lot of anxiety about basic living which makes it hard for her to function. Thankfully she's getting therapy. And yet I didn't go on a trip by myself for 16 years. I finally went this summer on a family road trip with my mom, sister and her wife while one son was in camp, my child with emotional challenges was in respite and the other two were able to stay home.

Am I overall happy? Yes. My kids are great. I sometimes haven't been as great as I could be for them especially in the earlier years. I am on anti-anxiety medicine too and see a therapist. I also didn't have kids until i was 32 so I had my twenties to be independent which also helped, but is it hard. Have I gotten overwhelmed? yes and yes. And that's with community support and support from the state., I’m happy enough, I am not happy but I wasn’t happy before kid either. I was able to hyperfocus on my career in advertising and I was incredible at it. It’s my fault, I didn’t know much about mental health at all. Once I had my son and began worrying about him and then the diagnosis, everything became so clear about myself. I am totally burnt out now as my sons primary caretaker, 9 years of no more than 2-4 hours of sleep at a time leaves my cup completely empty. You know when I am happy- when I drop him off at school and have silence in the car. That’s the peak of the day., My son is 2.5 years old and non-verbal. I tear up all the time when I see 18 month old babies talking and communicating so easily with their parents. What an easy life that many people take for granted. They even joke with me “you would wish they would just shut up like yours!” 🙄

HOWEVER, my son has taught my husband and I so much about the true meaning of love. And our patience has been one that’s way higher than it ever was without our son. We also know how to deal with people that are similar to our son and it’s amazing to see.

Kids in general are HARD, autistic or not. In my opinion, it’s harder than marriage itself. But with the right partner, love, patience, and access to the right tools, it can be very rewarding 💕, Yes. I teach kids with autism. I have a monogamous realtionship but will never marry, and I love my life!, I will preface this by saying that my kid is level 2, but overall I am happy. I'm tired and sometimes overwhelmed, but it doesn't feel as if it's at a very different level to other working parents of neurotypical kids. I think every three year old is a little energy vampire. 

It has definitely gotten easier as he has gotten older. He is currently chilling and listening to his Toniebox, and I have been doing some light cleaning. We are going to the science museum in a bit. We did the zoo on Monday, and an Easter Egg hunt last weekend. He's on spring break, but normally he has school during the week. 

I don't know. I am sure there are some unique challenges we are experiencing, and his therapy schedule is intense, but ... It doesn't feel like it is very different to having a neurotypical kid, especially as he is becoming increasingly verbal and wanting more interaction with me.

Again, level 2 kid, so I am not saying my experience is universal., Having kids us hard weather they are NT or ND. But you just love them through the hard times and there will be PLENTY! my 6yo is autistic and I wouldn't change him for nothing. He's the best boy and has made my life better. I have a 1 yo and idk if she is autistic or not yet.  It's hard to tell for sure when they are little but she may have some common early signs.. which honestly.  Nothing could make me happier if she was. I'm just used to doing life like this and always loved helping special needs people even when I was a kid.. so I think I'm just made for this 💪, I’m happy, my toddler is awesome, I’ve got a great support system, and an effective game plan to meet her where she’s at for her life. Are there days that are hard, absolutely, but I’m happy. Now I discussed heavily with my husband that ASD runs in my family before having a child to ensure that we had talked about what the challenges would be and how to best support any child we may have. If you do have a child and you notice missing milestones, fight for a therapy referral. I started talking with my child’s doctor at 1.5 years that she’s showing symptoms of a delay. At two we got her into ot/st and while we’re still showing signs of a delay, the gap is lessening, and I’m very confident she will be an independent adult, without any need for paid long term support. Children can get speech and ot before ASD evaluations comes into play. But if you are concerned about not meeting the needs for an ASD child, adoption is just as valid an option., I'm very satisfied with my life. We went through a really hard time a couple of years back, but that was mostly unrelated to my kids. My soon to be ex-husband was emotionally abusive and manipulative and made my life very hard for a very long time. Life is so much better now. It does help that their dad has them half the time, so I have time to myself. 

My kids are my whole world, and I love them to bits and am so grateful and happy to be their mom. They have relatively low support needs, and we can go out into the world and do most normal stuff. My 5yo has a lot of anxiety, so going to new places is always challenging, but it's been getting easier. My only real complaint is that my 3yo sleeps terribly, and the sleep deprivation takes a toll. I'm hopeful that it will get better as he gets older. It's already gotten a lot better compared to 6 months ago., I’m not only AudHD, I have severe trauma -ptsd, depression, anxiety, hashimotos hypothyroidism, severe migraines, substance use disorder (have been clean 13 years) and other things. I had my son at 33. He is truly the best thing that ever happened to me and my life is so much fuller now and seeing his smile makes me happy. I can say it’s hard but being a parent can be hard at times. I can also say that I am truly happy. I appreciate my child and he is the light of my life. Everyone is different. 

I didn’t think I would have a child either🤍, I love being a parent and knowing that my children have someone they can rely on. 

As I kid I didn’t have that safety/comfort because my mom had 6 kids and was a widow. She worked 2-3 jobs and we hardly saw her, our older siblings were in charge of the youngest. Her time was very limited out of necessity. 

Now as a parent I try my best to be present as much as I can. My eldest has ASD but she’s made so much progress over the last year after starting school. She was nonverbal and would be aggressive and had constant meltdowns to the point of nosebleeds/vomiting. It was very difficult but thankfully my husband was very involved as well. Now she’s speaking, can initiate conversations, asks questions, describes her feelings or surroundings, remembers conversations from other days and is really helpful with her younger sibling. She also knows peoples emotions and is really caring. All of this I something I couldn’t say in March 2023. 

It’s tough but it’s worth it when she says “mommy! I’m so happy I can dance” and she starts dancing 🥰❤️ or “mommy I love you soooo much”, Im in a state of serene pleasure with moments of intense anxiety. Autistic homies can have it go you just cant shy from your problems., My SO is on the spectrum, diagnosed after our daughter was.  I fear for my daughter and the difficulties she faces/might face, but it never makes me love her less.  I have 1NT and 1ND and  let me tell you, you are going to face challenges with any child.  But I fear more for my ND child.

There are also times where I am not able to help her.  I am trying, she is trying, but we aren't connecting in a productive way and that is hard to face.  We are lucky in that the majority of her diagnosis is concentrated in emotional regulation and social development and the physical/mental development is not largely affected (though we have been through 2 years of intensive speech therapy and her speech is behind her ND peers).

We spend a lot of time making sure both kids feel like they have their needs met, often at the expense of my own needs.  I have to have a lot of grace for all of the emotions of everyone in my house while I have to be non-reactive (making me feel like I don't get to have feelings some days).  I get burnt out and most days my self care is just a cup of coffee and my anti anxiety medication.  All of that sounds bleak, but that's the dark side.

I feel very lucky that our daughter has had early interventions which have allowed her to progress greatly.  I feel very lucky that she is verbal.  I feel very lucky that she is pretty much the carbon copy of my husband- who has lead an isolated, but fulfilling life.  And I have hope for my child.  As part of the autism community, I know that we are insanely lucky and that on the more severe aspect of the spectrum, the hope is different, the fears are different, the stress and intensity is different.  I have nothing but compassion and empathy for those families, especially because at the best of times with very mild symptoms raising a child with ASD can be hard and draining.

But I would not change a thing about my daughter.  She has opened my eyes to be more understanding and loving of my husband.  He has been able to learn through her.  We have been able to give her the experience and loving childhood my husband should have had.  She's funny, sensitive, caring, intelligent.  Her presence makes my life better.  Both of my kids are the single most point of stress in my life.  They drive me to the brink and back again.  But I delight in them.  I love watching them.  I love teaching them.  I love exploring with them and seeing who they are becoming.  They are undeniably the best part of my life and if they were to go, life wouldn't be worth living.

I love most parts of my life.  We adjust a bit to make sure that while we do things most NT families do, we have set ourselves up for success. (Telling her exactly what is going to happen, what to do if she wants to leave, which parent is her ""buddy for the day"" and which parent will be in charge of her sister. Paying attention for her stims and listening to her words. Watching videos of what to expect and giving her space to have feelings and a calm down spot when she asks for a break.  And we accept her no.  No cajoling or trying to convince her if she says she'd rather not do something.  Its just, okay! let's not do that!)  We go on planes, to the zoo, to aquariums, out to dinner, to winter festivals and summer water parks.

I have a great relationship with my children who think I am both God and their servant, so basically- Mom.  I have a great relationship with my husband though we both get overwhelmed, burnt out, and stressed.

Motherhood is a complex experience, but its not for the fainthearted.  Its not for the unsure.  The only reason to ever have a child is because YOU really, truly **WANT THEM**.  Because it is absolutely a labor of love in which you will break yourself down and be rebuilt into someone that lives for someone else.  And that's fucking hard.  To be a secondary character in your own life.  If you don't want it enough, you'll develop resentment, and I cannot stress this enough- your child didn't ask to be here.  We owe them everything and them nothing because we chose them.

So, after this long ass post, my answer to you is don't have kids.  I see your BF wants them, but until you are SURE, until you can look at everything everyone has said and confront the reality and understand what you could be getting yourself into and can find the delight and joy, don't do it., So, happiness comes from within.  You have to love yourself to love others.  You create a helpless child, totally dependent on you.  You learn right along with them.  It creates a bond that if you can love, becomes a part of your core being.  But, you will also see everything that you don’t like about yourself in your children. And because they watch you and learn from you, they end up mimicking that. So what you were seeing is a reflection of what they see in you. Also, make peace with the fact that you are a reflection of your parents, and your children will remind you of your mother or your dad. That’s why loving and accepting yourself is key. If you are happy with yourself, you will see children happy within themselves. If you are frustrated with yourself, you will be frustrated with your children., I'm a mom of two.  The oldest is autistic, and I'm currently undergoing evaluation to see if I'm also on the spectrum, which we suspect I am.  

Not going to lie, kids can be hard. It can be exhausting. And venting about it is necessary sometimes.  But man alive, they are also amazing.  I've never experienced love the way I have with my two little people.  I could stare at them for hours and just watch in wonder and amazement. And sometimes I do! And sometimes I want to toss them out the window.  I feel like I get to experience life new again, seeing it through their eyes.  I am in love with the fact that I get to grow old with these people, and watch them turn into adults and have their own lives.  So definitely worth it to me.

In saying that,  it's not for everyone.  If you don't feel like you want kids, that's ok, and it's important to not go down that road if you don't want to. I have kid free friends with happy fulfilled lives who wouldn't change it for the world.  Only you can answer for yourself if it's the right choice for you.  There's no right/wrong answer other than how you feel.  Good luck., It's a weird one. It's really stressful and lonely sometimes, and I rarely get a break (lone parent). But if I could go back in time and change things, I wouldn't. I wouldn't be without my kids, and I do have joy in my life., I am a late diagnosed autistic woman with adhd and I have a 7 year old boy, recently diagnosed.  I love him to bits and he's the best thing I've ever done with my life.  I sometimes question if I made the right decision given the state of the World/UK/global outlook etc, and I often question my ability to parent, but I never question my love for him (I'm a perfectionist and there is a whole thing about being a 'good enough parent which is difficult for me to accept as I want 100%) and I love being his mum.  He is so funny and it's brilliant getting to know him as he grows up and develops his own personality and preferences.  He's so strong willed and confident in ways I could never be, and I'd like to think that at least in part that's down to me being the parent I wanted.  So, I'd say go for it.  Of course it is hard, being a parent is tough, and the lack of sleep can be crippling, but it's also rewarding and fulfilling in ways nothing else is.  I'd say for me pregnancy was the really hard part as you get told endlessly about risk and how many ways in which babies can die, so by the time my son arrived I was a mess and I couldn't sleep in case something happened in the night.... 🙈 being autistic through that process was tough, courses are designed for NTs.  But seeing him grow, and develop into a wonderful, kind, funny, silly, clever, fabulous human being is amazing.  I wouldn't change anything.  I also loved the closeness of baby carrying (using slings, amazing and that baby smell, yes!).... You often get horror stories, I think, as parents are mostly tired and in need of more sleep than they get and that makes them cranky. And it can mean sensory overload as an autie parent, too, but you can find ways to cope.  Sometimes I think being autistic has been my super power as a mum because I became so focused on being the best mum I could be.  Being responsible for another human being is huge, at least it is for me.... so you need to be able to deal with that.  Also, it's a lot easier if you have family or a good support network.  I didn't.... but still here and have eventually found one!  Good luck and go with your heart, I'd say (if we were entirely rational about it, I don't think any of us would have kids, as it doesn't make financial sense and is arguably detrimental to our personal health in many ways, but here we are?!!!  I think it's far more beneficial to us in many other less tangible ways). ♥️💐🖖🏻, I'm happy in my life, yes.

But that doesn't mean it isn't stressful.  I am not on the spectrum, so I don't know what life is like when you are on it.

If you are worried about being overstimulated, then having a baby, whether on the spectrum or not, is something you want to think real hard about.  I hear people on this site, saying because of autism they don't like to be around other people too much.  Well if you have a baby you are with them 24/7. 

If you really want to have a child, but really don't want a child on the spectrum you could look into adopting.  I don't know if that is the right answer, but it's a possibility. The reality is none of us are signing up for special needs kiddos intentionally (except those who choose to adopt them)., I take the “it could always be worse” mindset, Had to check to see if this was the autism page or the marriage page. LMAO but really, lots of variables can make or break parenthood. None of us are perfect, and neither are our kids, autistic or not. Don’t let anyone make that decision but you and your partner., Like Charlotte from Sex and the City said, I’m not happy all day, but I’m happy every day. I’ll say that we are super fortunate to be able to afford a lot of things/help, and our autistic baby is relatively easygoing., It's hard and stressful like you wouldn't believe but I still love my son. Of course I wish he wasn't ASD but honestly, my husband and I like to keep to ourselves and if we had an NT kid, I'd feel pressured to put him in sports and do playdates with strangers, which I'm glad no one really asks us to do. Like someone else said, we bought our village and have ABA most days of the week and even have ABA at school now. We also have family nearby and he's got cousins who are his same age who try to include him in things.

I didn't always think I wanted kids but I'm glad I have my son. I think if I hadn't, I'd always wonder what my kid would be like. My husband and I have a great relationship and if we didn't, I'd probably feel entirely differently. I can't imagine doing something like this alone. BTW, I take meds for depression and that also contributes to my more positive outlook. I remember what it was like without the meds and......it was a black hole like you couldn't believe., I want to say I’m happy but I’m not. Single mom by technicality right now, working full time and then coming home to chaos is really hard. I’ve been sick for a few days, and after my un potty trained boy was sick with Norovirus has pushed me to the brink. Today there was poop smearing when I got home after days of cleaning diarrhea and ruined blankets.  I just had a massive rage fit basically and I can’t tell anyone because I’m ashamed of the state of my anger, the pain I feel, and the hopelessness and then THE GUILT of getting so angry at someone who probably has no clue why I’m so upset because his social rules are completely different than mine. I feel so unloved by my son, even though I know he loves me. And I feel so guilty for getting angry at him over things he probably doesn’t get why I’m so destroyed over them. BUT like so many other people have said, I don’t regret having him. For me, I painfully regret my own inability to be better. Also I’m a teacher and these middle school kids are fucking killing me every single day. That doesn’t help at all. Don’t let anyone pressure you, but there is nothing like being a parent and the love you can feel. Good luck either way., It’s hard. And it’s taken awhile to see more good. You never stop loving your kid though. The reality is autism is expensive. Our daughter is in ABA, occupational therapy and speech. Will your child need these therapies? Who knows. I didn’t know but fortunately we have insurance. I didn’t know there are people who pick careers to help children with autism. So if you want a child then do it. There’s so much help out there and once you find your tribe you will be okay. All of these therapist are my village. We have no one else we don’t get breaks or date nights. But my daughter has changed so much from last year. We get to go out to dinner. We get to go to the fair and to the mall. We will be enrolling her in tennis soon and in August she will start preschool through the state. No one can write your story because that’s your story. No one can tell you how it’ll go. But as a mom I can tell you it’s a beautiful thing to raise a little one. Nothing is perfect with this life and the kids don’t ask for perfect., I am BPD AuADHD and my partner is ADHD and very likely NPD and we had the talk about what if he had ASD but the tricky part about that conversation, even if it’s well intentioned, you have no fucking idea how to prepare for that unless you’re preparing for the worst case scenario. so I thought because of my personal experiences I could guide him but his ASD is very different from mine, so I had very different expectations. Also I went undiagnosed most my life whereas we got my sons diagnosis before 2. My parents never had the responsibility of therapies/behavior coaching that I have had, it’s incomparable. Because my parents still don’t believe the importance of being neurodiverse affirming and accepting, my support system has been inconsistent and made the beginning of my motherhood journey fucking hell. I’ve learned these are the key things to being a successful parent 1) figuring out if you’re emotionally capable and resilient , go to therapy if not 2) do you have a support system in place to maintain self care for yourself , if not could you afford one? 3)can you afford and handle being a parent with ASD child if you split (High divorce rate) 4)do you have family that would look after your child after you expire ? would you be ok not knowing if your child has a good quality life (living independently and having a social life outside of parents)? 4) are you being honest with yourself about the reason why you want a child? You will absolutely have it thrown in your face that you made the choice to have a kid, could you live with that and make the most it?, To reiterate what some of the other people have said, it's ok to not want to be a parent. AND it's also ok to not want to be a parent, with your boyfriend. 

If he really wants kids and you don't, you need to have a sit down calm conversation about where your relationship is going. 

Most people will have been in relationships at some point and realised that they have different ideals or what life will be. It's ok, like most things in life, communication is massively important., It's very hard. One autistic child is difficult to manage, but I think if you have a supportive community that will help care for your child and take some of that burden, then I don't think it'll be just as stressful as solo parenting., I’m happy. I’ve got a good career, happy kid, supportive partner. Things aren’t always easy but early intervention really helped my kid and she’s much happier than she was when she couldn’t communicate. That makes me happier., For me the most helpful thing about this experience has been focusing on it like a puzzle--like several puzzles I'm working simultaneously a lot of the time, but really the idea is to figure out which strategies work, which things need to fit in place to be able to manage it (like, we all do better when I am more relaxed, so things that are relaxing for me get moved to the top of the list; we do better with more sleep and a consistent routine, so things that disrupt that get taken out as much as possible).  I think the frustration comes up for me most reliably when my expectations are so far away from reality--I can get really attached to an expectation or excitement or anticipation for something I'm looking forward to, and if it doesn't materialize like I imagined, it is incredibly discouraging and it's easy to plunge into my life is a misery and will always be a misery because this circumstance will always be with me.  So one thing that I have to figure out is how to ensure that there are things I will enjoy that are low risk of being screwed up.  I feel like it has made me a more emotionally mature person than I was before, like I think in the past I felt like I was in control of everything and because for the most part I was, I was entitled to feel frustrated by the things that weren't to my liking.  But now I am so much more aware of how out of my hands things are, and once I learned to make a little more peace with that (a work in progress lol) it relieved some of that frustration and made me feel like a nice life was actually really possible, and maybe even more important, that I would be enjoying that nice life as a more self-aware, compassionate person than I would have had the opportunity to be before.   I am, for context, a single mom with a level three ASD kid who is 8 and a NT kid who is 10, and we live far from family, including the kids' father.  BUT we have a great school that I never have to fight with, and I have a pretty low stress job with flexible hours where I make enough to outsource some things.   Some of that is luck and some of it is intentional--like I keep this job despite a lot of opportunities to advance and do something more interesting because that flexibility is part of my ""village"" that someone referenced earlier.  When I started to pay attention to all the things that make my life easier it really changed my attitude towards not having a partner or family nearby--like what would family actually do that I can't do in some other way?    Solving as many things as I can in creative ways is, for me anyway, part of the fun and growth of this life, as opposed to just checking the same boxes everyone else gets to check.   I am not sure I would have picked this life off a menu, but I think I would not have realized how much I was missing if I hadn't had the chance to live it., If you have reasons to believe your kid might be autistic and that is something that would lower your quality of life (you are already asking so it definitely in your mind), why not looking at adopting? Lots of kids out there are in need of love, I am very happy. My life is a whirlwind of chaos but the bond I share with my boy is something I wouldn't trade for the world!, Yes, we are very happy!!  Sometimes it’s very hard, but that’s true of life.  I have a great relationship with my spouse and kids.  I have 4: 19, 5 (ASD), 4 (speech delayed but otherwise neurotypical), 1.75 yo neurotypical., I often feel exhausted, burnt out, frustrated, etc… but I love my son more than I ever thought it was possible to love another human and I don’t regret having him at all. There are really hard moments and hard days sometimes, but we have just as many really fun and happy moments and days. We have adapted our lives to accommodate my son, and once I accepted that that was just our reality and not the social media fake perfection, it helped. My son definitely helps me notice and appreciate the little things more. And he’s helped me to enjoy childhood all over again through his eyes., My husband is neurodivergent, our oldest daughter is on the spectrum and her two little sisters are neurotypical. We are for the most part in love with our lives.

He struggles a little with the sensory overload of the chaos of our house (3 kids, 2 adults, and 2 dogs) but we have learned each others bat signals for when we’re going to lose it. A “hey do you wanna go take 5” is our love language.

All 3 of our daughters are fucking fantastic and they make our lives so crazy and so beautiful. He gets our eldest daughter on a really special level and has been instrumental in her ability to love and accept herself exactly as she is. 

All in all I’d say we’re the typical family just loving and living. Sure we have some unique challenges but it just makes it all the more fulfilling at the end of the day. We have a home, food, clothes, and each other. When all the kids are in bed and we can finally lay back we usually just say god damn, we have it all., I am married with 1 child. I would say that I am actually pretty happy in life. I think my life has improved since the times when I was single and childless. It's definitely changed but in a mostly good way. Having a child can at times be over stimulating but the pros do outweigh the cons. I wake up every day to my husband and son's smile. My son will usually put his face to mine and touch my face with just the biggest smile on his face. He laughs constantly and it's beautiful. We do a lot of things as a family too. It does take more time to plan things and get ready to go out but you get better at it with time., To procreate is divine. Autistic kids are difficult to handle, but I honestly can't imagine my life without my son. I think about everything I did before my kid and it all seems so boring and empty. You truly won't get it until you have a kid, autistic or not. Keep in mind too that most of the people posting here are also autistic, so there is a high chance that if your kid is autistic, they will still grow into a somewhat functioning adult, Parenting is a big responsibility. If you are independent yourself and feel like you can raise a kid, then why not?? I am a NT parent of an autistic kid 5yrs. His diagnosis was a shock for us, but we have accepted it now and are as happy as anyone can be. Raising a child is a beautiful experience, no matter how he turns out., I’m super happy. My toddler is ASD 3. He’s in therapy, he’s learning. We’ve gotten to a real good spot where we know what helps and what doesn’t. Yeah we have some bad days but I cannot imagine my life without him! He’s got 1 younger sister and he loves her! I want one more even though I know I could have another ASD child., I could not imagine my life without my ND kid. I love that he’s my firstborn and I would literally not have it any other way. It feels like my kid was always meant to be ND and all his “quirks” make me feel even more like I’m meant to be his mom. Sorry 🤷‍♀️, Now, I will preface this with the fact that my son is currently 3, and does not have a formal diagnosis at this time. He has a functional speech delay, and some other behaviours that point toward ASD, but others that don't at all, and our pediatrician has taken the ""wait it out"" approach for the time being, but I am pretty confident he will end up with a diagnosis of some sort, if not ASD, some sort of processing disorder would be my guess. Either way. YES. Parenting my child comes with some enormous challenges, but my goodness, does he ever bring so much joy and light into my life. We are able to do SOME things families with exclusively neurotypical children do, and other things we avoid, and there are some things where we find a compromise that works for our family. We do things a little differently than what might look typical to most families, but what we are doing is working for us. We have more appointments than most families with a 3 year old (speech, and OT right now), but we are fortunate to have access to therapies to support my son's development. He makes me laugh every day. He makes me feel loved and needed every day. He teaches me something new every day. He amazes and surprises me every day. There is no shortage of happiness in my life; even though this isn't the EASIEST path, it is certainly not a path lacking love and joy., It’s hard. But I wouldn’t trade my son for anything., Yes I am happy- I have times where I feel disappointed for my guy- I hate that his life will be more challenging simply because he was born- but he is so happy and cuddly and is such a light.  He makes me smile all day long- he is the best thing thats ever happened to me.  , Yes. Life is not perfect but I love my beautiful high support needs ASD son and despite our challenges he makes my life better with him in it. For the bad times outside of that I remember that this life is temporary and I pray to God that there is a place in the house of Jesus Christ for me and my family. Thank you God for my boy, I’m really happy! 2 NT teens and one ND toddler. I’m also most likely autistic but undiagnosed. I’m a single parent, gave up work when the little was born as they have other medical needs. So a lot changed, but not necessarily for the worst. Are there hard times? Yes. Are there days I think I can’t handle much more? Yes. But that was the case with my older, typical kids too. That’s ALL parenting IMO. My little is the chillest, most loving child ever. We have a bond of steel, nobody comes close and we have a happy life just chilling out! We can’t do breakfast with Santa, or swimming lessons, or the Easter bunny. But I’ve let go of that because that’s not what my child wants. We do what they love instead (mainly walks, the beach, driving, tickle, chase etc, iPad). They’re also great on holiday, we go away a lot and that’s a big plus for us. 

I can hand on heart say that I’m happy. I wish my child didn’t have potentially rough times ahead in life, but there’s nothing to say they won’t thrive and be truly happy too. We had a ROUGH time when they were born and I’ve watched them nearly die, go through brain surgery , facial surgeries etc so nothing seems hard in comparison anymore. I think my default is extreme gratitude my baby is ok, so that may play a part in my answer. I also think the nature of these forums is that people reach out when they’re struggling so it can seem like having an ND child is all doom and gloom. And I’m not taking that away from anyone who struggles, my heart goes out to them. But remember it’s not a given that it’ll be that way :), You might not want to do all the fun things everyone else does. You'll want to do your own version of fun. 

As an autistic parent you'll be able to understand and advocate for your children, both ND and NT, in ways others can't., I’m very happy, is having a child hard sometimes? Definitely but the pros far outweigh the cons. My child is funny, happy, energetic, creative, gentle little guy. I love his personality, I love his way of doing things, I love the ways he shows his love! The first couple years were the hardest for me (not because of him) but the drastic change to my life and how I liked things done was very hard for me. I settled into the new routine eventually and I’m so happy now. I love my family and I love my child!, Imo happiness is a fleeting emotion like sadness or anger or whatever else. It comes and goes. It's a mood. I do have plenty of happiness in my life, along with frustration and exhaustion and sadness, just like anybody else. Each one has a time and a place. I think the more important, more constant feeling is fulfillment (or lack thereof). Happy or sad or angry, I'm still always fulfilled by my life and my family. I'm glad my 3 kids exist. I feel lucky to be their mom. I love that they're each a little walking/talking (or babbling lol) embodiment of my and my husband's love for each other. 

Sounds cheesy, I know. I don't really say this stuff to anyone, but since you asked I figured I'd give the whole answer haha! 

But also, if you don't want kids, you don't have to have them. What is fulfilling for one person is hell for another. Can parents of autistic children be happy, fulfilled? Yes absolutely. Whether that'll be the case for you is really only up to you though. 💜, Yes, we’re happy! My 4 year old ASD daughter is so much fun! She loves to hike, work in the yard, she’s curious, she loves to snuggle. She doesn’t talk often, but when she does she is hilarious! Yes, our daily life looks different- we have to make sure she’s getting adequate sensory input to stay regulated- but we have fun.  For me, the main sources of stress are having to fight to get her into services (already having to plan out summer months and next school year), I wish she’d have more interest in her little sister, it’s frustrating seeing her do something once and then refusing to do it again, and, the biggest one, not knowing what she will be capable of as an adult., I’ve experienced grief and hardship in my parenting journey but my life is infinitely better with my daughter in it. She’s a goofy ball of energy who makes people smile everywhere we go. Shes affectionate, happy, and curious and I learn from her every day. I think happiness is complicated. I wasn’t happier before I had my child. I’m not sure I can say I’m happy now either but I experience plenty of joy and much of it is because of her., My 3yo (ASD) and 1yo (NT) daughters are the light of my life. Autism is not easy but it comes in so many different forms and waves, so some days are not so great and others are the best days we’ve ever had as a family. My daughter on the spectrum is quiet (when she isn’t singing haha) and sweet and introverted. She loves singing and drawing. She is truly a gift in that she is easygoing and agreeable most of the time. There is a lot of work and effort involved on our part as parents because we want to and do work toward providing her as much support and services as possible so that she can learn to communicate more and thrive in her new preschool program. Raising her and being tuned in to her needs was all we knew until her sister came along. My younger daughter is an energetic extrovert. I often consider parenting her to be on easy mode because she sleeps like a rock and I am far more familiar with teaching someone socially motivated who learns by copying/mimicking. That said, she is much more vocal, opinionated, and likely to get into “trouble” - ie getting into things she shouldn’t and testing boundaries. In this respect, she is not as easy to parent as my firstborn. Each has their quirks and strengths and weaknesses. Both fulfill my husband and me in their own way.

Being a parent is the best thing I’ve ever done. I find so much joy in our girls and who they are becoming and I absolutely wouldn’t change a thing. I wanted kids my whole life. I grew up with an ASD sibling, it initially made me apprehensive about having a child with ASD, but this is due to my own shortcomings rather than any potential heartache or distress brought on by having children. Every child, neurotypical or divergent, is different, and everyone will have a different experience. Whether you roll the dice or not, I wish you confidence and peace in whichever choice you make., I’d say you can be burnt out and depressed even without an autistic child! I have 4 children, 3 who are autistic! Life can be crazy and there’s days I can’t catch my breath but I don’t know who I’d be without my kids!, I love my kids. I love seeing them excited to jump in bouncy houses, ride rollercoasters, swim, line things up in the sand at the beach. I love coming home to their laughter, their excitement. Sometimes it’s difficult, and I vent. Even parents of NT kids struggle, parenting can be difficult. If you want a kid, prepare for it, plan what you want to do with this child. Give them the love and childhood you want to give them., Not gonna lie, my life sucks, I’m not happy and I struggle to get through the day.

With that being said, I have no doubt at all that all my current struggles would be worth it if in two decades my son is doing what you are doing right now.

Since you asked for it, my advice for you is to have children with your boyfriend., This is a good point! None of us can tell you if *you* will be happy with kids, be they autistic or not, I 10000% agree. I am content and fulfilled because I always wanted to be a mom and had my kid when I felt like I had done all the things I wanted to do in my 20s (studied, traveled, etc). I also knew going in that being a parent was going to involve sacrifice and I felt ready. If I had had my kid any sooner, it would’ve been a tougher adjustment. I’m personally very happy with my kid. I don’t compare him to neurotypical kids. I also celebrate what makes him unique, and I think he’s so cool and sweet and fun and interesting. He’s also so smart and a motivated learner, and it’s been fun learning about his special interests. But my life involves zero time to myself, lots of work on regulating my emotions, high stress when my kiddo is having a tough day, lots of worrying about the future. My husband is an exemplary dad and partner, and even with all these wonderful things, there’s still a high level of being needed, lots of stress to manage, appointments to juggle. All of that to say it’s okay not to want kids, it’s okay to want to wait a good while until you’re sure you’re ready, and it’s important to take the time to be sure that you and your partner can work together and are on the same page about kids., I didn't want kids & am Bipolar; knew I shouldnt.  In a Manic Moment, a coworker came to work on Endorphin High after his wife gave birth & said it was Best Feeling in World.  I got PG that night, first time ever w/o birth control, at 34.  Dr called me Test Positive @ work.  I loaded copy machine cartridge backwards & it trumpeted like an Elephant.  That F\*\*\*\* A\*\*\*\*\* coworker never even congratulated me on PG.  I often wondered how his kids turned out.  My son is Estranged from me, Aspergers, and today is my 70th birthday.  I regret having them.  My life went downhill.  More trauma than happy memories.  Sorry to be honest but this is anonymous.  My mother should not have had me & I should not have had children.  My half-sister's one child turned out real well but we're estranged., 100% agree with this. It's something you and your boyfriend need to have a serious conversation about. Sounds like you're completely opposite in your desire for a child. And that's completely ok, he's either going to see your point of view or you go your separate ways. If you decide to stay together, it's a possibility that down the road you find that desire to be a parent, but you can't let him dictate that. 

To answer your question, my wife and I are overall very happy. There's the money struggles with having a neuro-divergent child with expensive therapies, but aside from that and the occasional burnout, it's pretty smooth most of the time. The most frustrating part is that our non-verbal three year old daughter can't easily tell us what she wants, needs or if she's hurt but we're working on that every day and I'm confident we'll get there. One thing we decided when she was around 2 1/2 is that she will be our only biological child so that we can focus solely on her needs as long as we have to, and if we decide down the road that we have a desire to expand our family, we will adopt an older child., or coerce/baby trap you, *Statistics in study after study show that the happiest people are single childless women.*

Why are they also the women most prone to alcoholism and suicide?, Can you give any advice on building your village?, I’m so sorry it’s been so hard.  That’s especially tough when there are limited resources, both financial and emotional.  You are a good parent, doing what you can and putting your kid first.  Society doesn’t make it any easier. Are there other services available in your area, to support low income parents, for example?, I’m incredibly sorry for your experience, could she qualify for TERFA or low income Medicaid? That could help with the gap in healthcare coverage. Also with Medicaid, if she’s having feeding difficulties, a doctor could prescribe her nutritional shakes, and hopefully that could free up some income for your needs as well., Very similar situation here. 

There are definitely times that I find myself wishing things were easier. But how do I know that having an NT kid would solve all of my problems? right now things are easier with the little one, but that could change in the future.

The bottom line is that it’s hard to have kids. Whether or not they are autistic, or born with some rare illness, or completely healthy and NT, it is just hard., Yeah I'm also very happy with my autistic and intellectually disabled daughter, she is a delight.  I know I'm lucky she doesn't have many behavioural issues that are really hard to deal with that I see a lot of parents vent about here.

I really feel for those parents.  The ones who aren't getting any sleep, who get hit by their child and deal with constant screaming.  I feel bad for the poor kid too who is obviously struggling to live in a world that can be physically painful for them if they have sensory issues etc.

But my daughter is happy, and that's all I ask for. 

I wrote a post about my daughter here:

https://www.reddit.com/r/Parenting/s/ghYOcewxqr, I love this. I feel the same way. I said to my partner if I had to re-live the same decade of my life over and over it would be the birth to 10 years of my kids. No question., I didn’t consider autism was something that would happen. I thought it happens when you gave a baby in your 40s not 27. I was an idiot. If I’d have known then what I know now I wouldn’t have had any even my probably NT one. It’s not worth it. It’s not a life I wanted to give my child. He has no future, nothing to look forward to. There’s no point to my life either., This.

I see a lot of ""very happy"" and ""wouldn't change a single thing"" replies so far, but the fact you guys are here already says a lot., I actually relate to this a lot.  Maybe not every detail, but mourning what could have been - missing my life before having a child - those are all huge for me these days.  My son is 2.5 years old and we're just now starting on this path together, maybe I'll feel different down the road.  But it's hard right now., I agree, I mourn my old life, freedom to do as I pleased, no worries and the future to look forward to, getting up when I want to, having a job and money, not having to attend meetings at school and having to jump through hoops given to me by people I have little respect for, being threatened that my kid isn't welcome at the school unless he shapes up. The list is endless. Sometimes my life feels so joyless. I think staying childless would've be far better. I didn't suffer any miscarriages nd I'm sorry for what you've been through. My son was born extremely premature and that's when my life went pear shaped., This. 

I have two autistic children and one NT. Oldest is NT and the middle child- we didn’t even know it was autism until I was already pregnant with the 3rd. Had I known that it was autism and that it’s very likely future children could have it, I would absolutely 100% not have had a 3rd child or even the 2nd one knowing it is likely genetic. The third child is severe and I am a caregiver for him. I have no life. 

Op, I didn’t want a 3rd kid. I told my spouse after the second child that I couldn’t handle another child like her and that I would end up in a looney bin if we had another like her. He just kept saying it’s not going to happen over and over and I gave in. Well guess what? Now I’m a caregiver and the third child is 10x worse. Are you prepared to become a caregiver or listening to possible screaming all day long, not being able to go anywhere, spending all your days driving your kid to back to back therapies? What if you and your man split? Are you prepared to be taking care of a child like that alone? It’s a lot of things to consider and I WISH someone would have given me the harsh reality heads up like you are getting on here. Do I love my kids? Absolutely. They are my kids, I created them. But I’m not going to sit here and lie and say oh it’s so great just take the chance. 

The thing I feel most guilty about is my NT child missing out on so many life experiences bc we have had to leave or avoid things due to the autistic children and their needs. I try so hard to do special things for my oldest when I can and she is so understanding but I feel like such a shitty parent or like I’ve almost ruined her growing up experience 😞

My spouse always said, if we have another I’ll help, I’ll promise I’ll help. He doesn’t help. It’s all on me all the time. He works and brings in the money so that’s all he thinks he needs to contribute. He goes out with friends and does his thing and I’m stuck home with the kids. There are many mommas like me. I don’t want you to be one of them if you don’t need to be. Really take time and think about what YOU want., r/regretfulparents is a good place for support and venting without judgement., Also it stopped being ""cute"" once they hit puberty and being stronger than their parents., This experience varies widely depending where on the spectrum your kid is. My sons 5 not conversational has tons of energy and impulse issues and we do things like social skills group that leave my scratching my head why some of the kids there are in therapy. 
All kids have challenges, some autistic kids are more challenging than others., To answer the rest of your question - we had a second child right when we realized son might be autistic and we started receiving services. I do carry some guilt that his baby sister sometimes has to play second fiddle bc of his needs. I try my hardest to schedule his therapies around when they won’t impact her schedule, but know this will get harder as she gets older and has her own commitments. 

My husband and I are still obsessed w eachother! We’re both tired and done some days, but o think that would happen w any toddler and baby to care for. 

Yesterday my son had a huge freak out at the library and it ended w us both crying on the way home. But that’s an exception, not the rule. 95% of the time we do all the things we want to do and he can hang and enjoys it. And if he can’t, that’s okay and we go with the flow., We've had night terrors, days where one is sreaming the whole day, days I sat and cried with my kids because I can't and they can't.. it's not all roses. I'm still glad I chose it., 💯!, Hey thanks for that brushing hair countdown tip! Why didn’t I ever think of that! Lol! My ASD 9yr old girl HATES having her hair brushed due to sensory but she LOVES timers and countdowns! This is going to be a huge game changer., And of course only if YOU want to and YOU would be happy if you did. My babies mean a lot to me and make me really happy despite the challenges I face. I would do anything for them and I’m happy I get to see their little faces everyday, Same- I always wanted one but it didn’t happen and I gave up that dream. Then it happened!, Lmao . Funny how you easily take accountability for having a child when you shouldn’t have but don’t seem to take accountability for addressing your mental health while being a parent. BP requires consistency of self care and routine just like ASD, and as someone with a similar situation it’s irritating hearing your excuses., I would love to see the actual statistics to back up your statement., Sorry, but I don't believe that at all. They will need a much larger sample size to convince me women are happiest when they go against their instinctive maternal nature.  

I know many older women who have regrets choosing their career over a family., Right. Shit gets to be a lot some days but at the end of the day I just wanna hold him when he’s asleep and stare at him. Genuinely love him more than life. He’s a lot. But he’s mine., This rings so true!! Well stated. I wish I could get my point across as eloquently., My tiny is 4yrs old and even with the chaos at times, I could stay here forever. We sit together and put marble run mazes all over the living room. We both love setting them up. And legos. And drawing. And bike rides. She’s my little bestie. 
To answer OP, nothing is ever the same, but not in a bad way., Hi,
Yeah autism is often said to be the result of having “older parents”, which I am, but I’ve heard of plenty of twenty somethings who have children on the spectrum, so more likely it runs in families.

I am learning how to get better at my own stress management, but it will take work.

Do you get any help at all? You both have futures, I know it’s hard to think, but you can help your child and yourself. :), Relatable. I often feel like I’m not cut out for this., wanting support and community doesn’t mean that you’re unhappy. It’s fine for the group to have room for both!, LOL I see some sour grapes here. I can be very happy and also sometimes want to ask a question to people who have hit the same issue before., Does it? Getting and giving advice about unique kids means we are miserable?, How does finding a relatable and helpful community = unhappy?? It’s like joining a planting club. You can be friends and socialize at the club meetings AND provide insight on why my plant isn’t growing. Maybe it needs shade when I’ve only been giving it sunlight., It's a parenting advice sub Reddit. If you are on a gardening subreddit it's not just because you woke up to day of the triffids., I just think it's feeling like you have to say the ""right thing"". Even here.

I also think plenty of people use ""happy"" instead of ""content"", which I could buy., I'm trying to stay positive since 2-5 are some of the hardest years but it's not a guarantee my son will make progress - which is something I have to emotionally prepare for, Here's a sneak peek of /r/regretfulparents using the [top posts](https://np.reddit.com/r/regretfulparents/top/?sort=top&t=year) of the year!

\#1: [The painful realisation that I could be living my childfree friend's life if I didn't give in to marriage and kids. I miss my freedom so much.](https://np.reddit.com/r/regretfulparents/comments/149u6l0/the_painful_realisation_that_i_could_be_living_my/)  
\#2: [I FINALLY exploded on my mother for her constantly badgering me to have a baby.](https://np.reddit.com/r/regretfulparents/comments/14kjsnw/i_finally_exploded_on_my_mother_for_her/)  
\#3: [This type of mental gymnastics can be so so harmful. Did you ever had to deal with a person like that in real life?](https://i.redd.it/z63r4j2jgndb1.jpg) | [113 comments](https://np.reddit.com/r/regretfulparents/comments/1575vs9/this_type_of_mental_gymnastics_can_be_so_so/)

----
^^I'm ^^a ^^bot, ^^beep ^^boop ^^| ^^Downvote ^^to ^^remove ^^| ^^[Contact](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=sneakpeekbot) ^^| ^^[Info](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/) ^^| ^^[Opt-out](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/comments/o8wk1r/blacklist_ix/) ^^| ^^[GitHub](https://github.com/ghnr/sneakpeekbot), I hope it works!, It’s funny how sometimes life works out that way. I met my husband when I wasn’t looking for a relationship and here we are! So glad your dream came true :), Sure, hereya go!

[https://www.bu.edu/sph/news/articles/2023/women-without-children-at-age-35-are-at-highest-risk-of-binge-drinking-alcohol-use-disorder/](https://www.bu.edu/sph/news/articles/2023/women-without-children-at-age-35-are-at-highest-risk-of-binge-drinking-alcohol-use-disorder/)

**""Women who turned 35 in recent years, as well as women who have not had children by age 35, are the subgroups of women at highest risk of binge drinking and having alcohol use disorder (AUD) symptoms.""**

[https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamapsychiatry/article-abstract/496069](https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamapsychiatry/article-abstract/496069)

***""Women who had never married exhibited higher relative risks for suicide than married parous and married nonparous women for all age groups younger than 65 years at the start of follow-up.""***

***""Among the married, the parous women had lower relative risks than nonparous women for all ages.""***, I get quite a bit of help actually but unless something will make it go away then honestly it just feels like all our lives are over. Nothing can make it better., If not then this happy parent will bounce, LOL, Have I ever been happy? No. Does my daughter make me more happy? Yes., I appreciate you providing the proof for your statements, but if you read the whole papers that these come from, there is much more nuance than your statement suggests. 

This still doesn't mean that you should allow anyone to push you into having kids., Maybe the ones who make it to 65 are happiest?  I imagine societal pressure is strongest at younger ages, and less and less people give a shit as they get older., I’m sure the happiest single people are between the ages of 18-25, Valid, I am. I mean, it’s hard. Not gonna lie. But my thought is that life is usually hard in one way or another and though I’m not autistic I am totally blind so I’m no stranger to finding my own way through the rough timres., I’m so unhealthily stressed it’s insane. I love my son but this life isn’t for the faint of heart., The one thing no one has said, but I think is more important than anything else; if you don't want kids, please, please, please don't let anyone talk you into, bully, or shame you into having kids. 

There is absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting kids or deciding it's just not what you want for your life no matter what the reason is. 

Statistics in study after study show that the happiest people are single childless women., I’m happy, but more stressed than I would be if my son wasn’t autistic. I have 2 kids 5 and 7. 

My 5 year old is verbal but not conversational. It’s been a long road of getting kicked out of daycare, scrambling for childcare during school vacations, getting calls from teachers. That stuff is all what gets me stressed more than my actual kid. The rat race of it all. Never ending therapies and appointments. Everything is just harder like doctor appointments. People constantly trying to figure him out when in public. 

My 7 year old is typical. We live a pretty “normal” life. My older son plays lots of sports. My ASD one is easy going places. We do the movies, trampoline park, went to Disney. He goes to his brothers games. We go to the beach and pool, go on vacation, stay in hotels, fly on planes. No issues. Everything is pretty typical except the language delay. I think if that could catch up life would get a lot easier. I work from home which helps but I can’t have calls when my sons home. Even though he’s almost 6 I can’t tell him to be quiet while moms on the phone he doesn’t understand. 

My son isn’t interested in peers but that part doesn’t bother me. My older one is extremely social so we get that experience. Me and my husband are introverted so are more in line with my ASD son than the older one. 

I’m constantly burned out but not just because autism. I work full time and my husband has a crazy work schedule, we don’t have much family help, 2 kids therapy and sports  schedules, I’m in the middle of taking the cpa exam. Life’s just always crazy, but I know that my kids are my purpose and do it all for them 


I wouldn’t change it for a thing though, I love my guy., Autistic solo parent as well. If I didn’t have the resources to hire help I’d likely be depressed. I bought my village and it’s worth every damn penny., I have moments of pure joy. One of them was today. My son and I spent two hours playing at the ocean and on the forest trails. That was a happy time. During that time I was not burnt out or overstimulated. These moments don’t happen everyday but when they do, they have a way of balancing the rest., I might be a much needed person on the other side of the grass, but I'm incredibly unhappy. I have depression and due to my job, insurance isn't readily consistent, so I can't get therapy or medication, so I'm boarding alcoholic so I don't kms. I'm also autistic and the loud  noises my daughter makes triggers me, I don't like that it's hard for me to stim around her, she's too needy and requires attention that's hard for me because I often disassociate. She's low functioning.  She affects my sleeping and eating routines to cater to her. I have limited income, and we have differing pallets. So almost all my food money goes to her food, often leaving me for days without eating regularly. 

 My daughter is lovely, but society is not. The stress of what will happen to my daughter if I die. The stress of constant therapy, not being able to participate normally in activities like Christmas, halloween, and Easter due to my daughter sensory issues and tantrums. Not being able to talk to her. She can't  tell me she loves me or gives me affirmation. She cant tell me im doing a good job.  Constantly feeling like a failure as a parent.

I'm straight up miserable. I wouldn't wish my life on anyone. I lowkey gave up on my life, but I try to give my daughter everything I can. She's lowkey spoiled because I know life will be hard for her. And if I knew it would be this hard, I would've never had her. My life was 100% easier without a kid (asd or not). I find being autistic makes parenting a bit harder. I dont like how people will treat her in public when she stims or needs extra support. It stresses me out. Not for me but for her. I love her so fkn much im ashamed I brought her here. I wish our society was kinder to disabled people and kinder to parents., Yes I m very happy! My husband and I make lots of time after our kids go to bed for sex and emotional connection/conversation/quality time so we have a good relationship. I’m the primary caretaker of our 5yo (ASD) and 1yo (typical appearing). We have been extremely luckily that our son is a happy little boy. He’s nonverbal but for the most part he’s really chill. We follow his routine and he’s happy as can be. Lots of hugs, eye contact, face smushing, snuggling. He communicates as best he can and I can usually understand and my husband can usually figure it out 60-70% of the time. We do some “typical” family things like go to all inclusive night at our local museum, family photos, go trick or treating, go to the park. He tends to stress out if it’s too out of the ordinary like someone’s house or a restaurant so we don’t do that but we also have a literal baby lol. We live happily in our bubble. We love our kids. And more importantly we like them and their personalities.

Edited to add: I often get overstimulated but that’s where we communicate hey I need to tap out., Autistic single parent with level 2-3 autistic toddler. Like any aspect of life, there are ups and downs, but I can’t imagine my life without this kid. There are struggles but my overall quality of life and life enjoyment increased exponentially. It is the adventure of a lifetime 🌈❣️, No, I’m not happy. It’s been hell. I love my kids, but if I could make my older son be low support needs/verbal autistic or even NT, I would do it in a second.

But all I can do is my best and try to build superhuman patience., I am but my kid is 9 now and it has gotten a lot easier within the past year., Nope., Yes, very happy. People post when they have stuff to complain about. I spent all day on Sunday with my little dude. We spent a ton of the lay laughing and just joking around in our own distinctive way. It was a great day and nothing out of the ordinary. I didn't post about it because...well, why would I?, Honestly, I feel bipolar with how up and down everything is. A lot of times I'll say ""I hate my life"" but it's really a shorthand for ""I hate that this is currently my life"". I mourn the life I used to have, and sometimes I regret insisting to my husband that we should try for kid(s). I think about the life I could have had were it not for my miscarriages - would I still have had an autistic child? I don't know, and I probably need professional help to work through my losses (regarding the miscarriages, the life I could have had, the ""normal"" life my autistic child could have had, etc.). 

I'm still able to find joy in smaller moments and try to look forward to things in the future - just trying to survive this season of life., Had I seen this question a few days ago or maybe even a few days from now and I would have given you a different response, but no. Absolutely not.

I really wish I wasn't his mother. I love him so much but I wish he wasn't mine. Someone else could probably be a much better parent than me. It is just a feeling of constant failure no matter how hard I try it's never enough. I know it's not fair to him but I'm starting to resent him. And I hate myself for it. I hate that the only way he pays me any attention is if I bark at him like a drill Sargent. I hate doing it but if I don't then he is just 100% feral. We can't go to the park. He has no sense of danger and it hurts so much seeing kids so much younger than him just miles and miles ahead of him. I don't feel like a parent, I feel like a keeper.


Edit about 24 hours later:

I debated about deleting this comment due to the pure shame I feel about having written it. I'm going to leave it up because I want others who might feel like I did yesterday to read this part too:

I was able to get a good night sleep, and so was he. His behavior isn't really that much different than when I wrote the comment,but my tolerance threshold is much higher now that I've had some time to sleep. I was overjoyed earlier today because he finally wore his ear defenders outside and he was able to play while the neighbor mowed his yard. He bamboozled me today by putting on his boots and picking up his tablet and a blanket. I picked up the keys thinking he was asking for a car ride but he ended up taking me outside because he wanted to nap on the neighbors trampoline snugged up with me. I melted. 


I still feel awful and ashamed for saying I didn't want to be his mother anymore, but even when I had that on my mind the fact that I love him more than anything never changes., No. And I realize that others here have it worse but I fantasize about not having to deal with the constant daily challenges. I feel trapped because I don’t believe I could ever leave. She’s 8 now. And I’m not sure if or when or how she’ll be able to be an adult and able to live on her own. She’s been kicked out of 3 schools, has lost me multiple childhood friends, lost my friendship with my best man in my wedding, created rifts with close family. There’s no babysitter we can find who lasts so my wife and I rarely get a night to ourselves. She sleeps like an adult and I have to drag her out of bed every morning just so that she goes to sleep before 11pm. If I don’t let her do what she wants she screams, calls me the worst names, says she hates me. And I’m paying $1k a month for her therapy.

I wish someone would’ve told me there was a possibility that this could be my life. I thought that because I worked hard in school, got a good education, great career, high income, work from home, that I could be happy. And yet this is my life., We have a 18 YO NT Daughter at College, 16 YO NTish Son at Junior College & a ASD 3 almost 3 year old who is pre-verbal (knows 12 words now).

I would define our life as very “Complex” our normal looks very different then most people but we are happy. Tons of therapy and as an example we just had our first movie out in 3 years while LO was in ABA.

But he is so very Awesome. Like anything in life the world is ultimately what you make of it. Personal clarity is really the root of happiness., Honestly speaking, having an autistic kid is very hard on  the parents. After my daughter was diagnosed, my life turned upside down. I couldn't go back to work because she is severe. Someone has to take care of her or look after her. She is 5 years old. My husband works full time, and he has financial responsibilities, so he can not help me out all the time. So, now, I am stuck with her, and I don't have a choice. No babysitter or daycare wants to deal with her because she is extremely aggressive at times. My life sucks!!! I cannot work, I cannot go out when she is home (unless my husband is watching her) I cannot have time to myself because she is clingy and wants attention or food all the time. I have become a prisoner in my own home!!! 
She is completely non-verbal and has extreme sensory issues. Respite care is only 20 hours per month in the state I am in. Most respite care providers lack staff to even give you a break. Honestly, I hate my life, I regret everything. I regret getting married. I regret having my daughter. If I could go back in time and change it, I would. I am just so burned out and so fed up that at times, I don't want to deal with it at all, but I don't have a choice. I miss my old life..so, think before you make that decision...life is not going to be easy if you have an autistic child., If you’re having questions like this without kids don’t have them. Simple blunt and to the point., I love my son - not any more or less because his autism. I love him because he's him. His Autism is a DISABILITY  but does not define who he is as a person.

I absolutely hate his Autism. My son is level 3, pre-verbal but in actuality still predominantly non-verbal. Autism is parenting on EXTREMELY HARD mode. Some people will sugar coat the shit out of it but trust, it's not for the faint of heart. Don't let tik tok, Pinterest, Facebook and this other social media fool you. Autism isn't a cute quirk, or a different type of brain wiring. It's a disability that requires, for some families, an insane amount of resources and time. 

If you know you may possibly be autistic, have autism in either of your families then think long and hard about having biological children. It's ""cute"" when it's a 2 minute tik tok or a gushy validation seeking Facebook or even reddit post but when you're looking in the face of a person you love most in the world, who you chose to bring in this world and KNOW they will struggle more than a person who is not disabled it's not so cute. It's not so quirky. It's not AUSOME 🙄. It's more often than not heartbreaking.

Not coming for you, just giving you a perspective from a mother who loves her son more than her next breath but  if I would have known my son would be disabled I would have never ever offered him up to this world. He deserves so much better than what life has in store for him.

Much love., Omg I love my life and my son with autism is one of (if not THE) best part of it. I think jt comes from a partial place of privilege bc we’re dealing w mostly not huge “challenges” rn speech delay and lack of interest in peers. He’s 3 and I know things will be harder as he grows and little kid problems grow into big kid problems. But my day to day life is made better everyday from my son. Nothing makes me happier than seeing him happy and helping to contribute to whatever he’s super interested at the moment (rn it’s letters/the alphabet). Even today I can easily say the highlight was a new alphabet book I got him arriving and him screaming w happiness and kissing the book saying “so happy” after he finished looking through it each time., Wouldnt say happy. But i wouldnt say its because of my daughter either. I just had a child too young and the lack of resources and financing (i make a decent salary for my age but insufficient for where i live). Having children is to sign up for stress, anxiety, depression, etc. to at least some degree. 

The grass is never greener on the other side. 

I dont know what life would be like without her because shes here. And I wouldnt want a world without her. Even if i regret how/when/with whom i brought her into this world., You could ask this same question on a general parenting group and you would find the same varied replies. Not all autistic kids are the same with support needs and not all parents and sibling dynamics are the same. People are going to have drastically different experiences. Also, most people who are happy don’t go posting about being so happy. So you are only going to see venting. I would say the answer is it’s highly dependent on your personality, your kid, financial resources for help, a village to help, etc., Honestly, this is the wrong few weeks to ask me this. So as of right now? no 

There are *things* that make me happy, but on the whole? No., Apologies, I’m about to be the outlier here. And sorry this is long! 

At the moment, no, I’m not happy. My husband and I are pretty stressed out and have been since our daughter was born five years ago. She was only one when the pandemic started so we had the added stressor of trying to keep the baby and ourselves from catching covid. She would have gotten diagnosed earlier if not for the pandemic (for a variety of reasons, including *we had no idea that her behavior wasn’t typical* until she was about three years old, because we were pretty isolated, because stupid pandemic). We thought it was just the terrible twos until we saw what NT three year olds were like and realized something was off. 

We might be in a happier place now if Covid hadn’t happened, ha. The irony is that with pandemic plus a very needy baby at the time, we decided not to have any more kids…but our kid would probably do well with a younger sibling, and it would take some of the pressure off us to have to play with her all the time. 

As of now we can’t go out to eat at restaurants or do normal family things because our kid is kind of a nightmare when I’m around. Pretty sure she masks around everyone who isn’t me, so I see all the less than stellar behavior. She and her dad can go out and do stuff. She and I can’t. She runs away from me, doesn’t listen, screams at me, etc. ABA helps somewhat but not enough that we can do typical family things. 

My advice on having a kid: you should only have one if you absolutely want to!! I 100 percent wanted a child, had IVF to have her, and it’s currently not going as I had hoped (and that’s an understatement). I do have hope for the future, having read others’ stories here about their kids mellowing out as they get older.

You never, ever know what you’re going to get with a child. Having one is such a crapshoot. Usually it turns out okay. Sometimes it doesn’t. You have to be prepared for the unknown and okay with things not turning out how you hoped., My kid is the sweetest kid ever and my favorite person in the entire world. He makes me want to live forever to be there for him. My unhappiness is due to my own mental health, I probably should not have become a mom until I got that in check, but I am, and I have to be better for him., i’m really happy, but my daughter is also low support needs and really only struggles with social skills and is still quite far behind verbally. she’s naturally pleasant and easy going, and she doesn’t display any “extreme” behaviours, so this is probably contributing to my level of happiness. i am sure i would be absolutely crazy about her no matter her level of support needs, but we definitely have it pretty easy when it comes to parenting an autistic child., My son is 5 years old, level 3, and nonverbal. He's the love of my life and I'm extremely happy. I would do anything for him. Realizing that he was autistic finally made me apply myself, I now have a job with good insurance that pays for his ABA at 90% (plus HSA funds for the rest). I've earned two degrees in order to switch careers because I know he'll have high needs throughout his lifetime. That being said, of course the isolation, destructive behaviors, sleep disturbances, and communication difficulties add stress on top of having plenty of stressors in my life already. I do have to vent sometimes, being a parent of a child with his needs isn't for the faint of heart. I don't know anyone IRL who would understand what I'm going through so sometimes I have to whine online., So I can say as a parent of a Kid that has Level 1 and Auditory Processing Disorder.  I wouldn't want him to have kids.  The likely hood that his children would have Level 2 or Level 3 is highly likely.  He's got it bad enough i couldn't imagine having children knowing that they would have it harder than you.  I just don't think it's worth it and it's not fair to the child., The experiences are going to vary widely, but I think the most important thing here is that you are trying to find any sliver of hope to convince yourself to have kids. I think you were clear in your other thread that your boyfriend is the primary motivation behind this. 


I'll be blunt: even now, women tend to do the lion's share of childrearing and housekeeping. In a divorce, fathers tend to fare better than mothers, even years down the line. If you have a disabled child, there's a very real possibility it will impact your ability to work. About 50% of us can't work, myself included. 


These are very real, serious things you need to think about. 


I will be taking care of my children forever, of that there's no doubt. Had I known my husband was autistic, had I suspected I was, we wouldn't have had children. 


Because - it's not fair to bring a child into the world who will always depend on you. It just isn't. If we lived in an ideal world where public education was actually funded and many of us didn't have to homeschool, if group homes were adequately staffed and funded, etc., it would be a different story. But what we're seeing now will still probably be a battle decades from now.  


I love my kids. We have happy moments. My 9 year old can now do a lot more, but he will always need help. But my youngest will be 7 this year and it's becoming increasingly obvious how much more severe his autism is. He's leashed everywhere we go and we don't live a normal life with him. 


I am isolated a lot. It has absolutely taken a toll on my marriage. We spend some evenings together after the kids are in bed, but as the youngest gets up and down, there's always interruptions. We don't have a baby-sitter. 


I have good relationships with my kids - but make no mistake, there is no ""me"" anymore. I have about 7-10 hours a week to myself. That includes showering time. 


This is a very hard life. It'll probably impact you more than a boyfriend or husband. Think long and hard. , I’m definitely happy. My daughter is 20 and nonverbal. She is the happiest and sweetest person alive. It’s not without struggle of course. She’ll never be independent and I’m caretaking far longer than I would have ever imagined. Still I feel so grateful for her. She’s such an innocent and gentle soul. I can’t imagine having missed out on her. I take her out to fine dining places routinely and last year she went to her first live concert and to Disney World. All this took work over years to get here, but sharing these moments with her finally is an indescribable joy. 

That said, we have considerable privilege in that I work from home and my career pays very well. Money is not a concern. Im healthy and young. 

I’m entirely self made and a single parent so I also know the other side of it. This life is easier when you have resources and support and no other significant stressors. But I would say the same thing of having children in general. There just are no guarantees. Typical kids can be physically ill, malicious, destructive, unlikeable, violent or any number of other things., The hardest part about parenting to me is not having any family support. My kids, one is autistic and the other probably neurodivergent in other ways (in the process of evaluating him), are actually quite amazing. Yes, there are hard phases and moments. My hardest moment so far has been the transition to elementary school because my autistic son struggled to regulate his emotions when things got difficult for him. Now that we adjusted his IEP, he enjoys school. 

But I’ve never spent more that a couple nights away from my kids and they’ve never gone a night away from being with me or their dad. The few times they’ve been away from me was when I couldn’t go to my in laws house out of stateso they left with their dad (my hubby). So that part has been hard too, family doesn’t really help daily. They don’t offer sleepovers and my mom always made excuses about it, until I just stopped asking., I am autistic and a parent. I am beyond happy. Most of my life I was so depressed and anxious and burnt out. My husband and my kids changed and saved my life. Still tired but my husband is an awesome stay at home dad retired from the military I work swing shifts 5 nights a week. We have an awesome relationship we had kids after 10 years together. We have one child with ASD and one NT. 18 months away from the youngest starting school and then we will have school days together to ourselves, No. The intense stress is literally killing me. My health keeps deteriorating in new and fun ways, I never know what’s next., My wife and I are both professionals with advanced degrees. Our son was born back in 2017 and he's the sweetest boy you'll ever meet. We decided having additional bio children wasn't for us just because of how hard the pregnancy was. In July we adopted a baby girl.

My son got a tonsillectomy today and has spent the past 3 hours post-op screaming at us and not drinking.

Do I wish certain things were easier (for him and for me)? Of course. Anyone who says ""they wouldn't change a thing"" is painting that overly rosy picture to try and convince themselves. But there has not been a single day in his life that I have ever wished he wasn't here.

Your question tho was ""are you happy with your lives?"". Having a neurodivervent child is harder on your marriage, your personal life and your work life. But I am absolutely happy with my life. My answer would probably be different if I had to stay home all day as the primary care taker because I've found I need to work if even for my own sanity and feeling of self-worth. 

Whether it's something you'd be happy with is ultimately up to you, but I genuinely wish you the best of luck and thank you for your post. Seeing adults with autism having these kinds of debates give everyone of us grinding daily tasks that are harder than they should be hope for their future., I’m happy sometimes?  And not happy other times?  At this point, it’s not really because of the kids, though young children are A LOT, regardless of neurotype. 

Really, I would say I am satisfied and content. If I didn’t have kids I could not have fun infodumping about Pokemon with them and watching them see things I love to do for the first time with happy excitement. It’s really cool. But they’re still people. And so you have to be realistic., I have a very close relationship with my son, he cried so much as a baby and I found inventive ways to soothe him and therefore we developed such a close bond. He’s very cuddly and loving. We do most of the things NT families do, dinners vacations, parks, hikes. We just put probably a little more planning into it than NT families, making sure they have food that he likes, things like that, plan b for I’d things don’t work out. Stuff like that. It’s gotten easier as he’s gotten older and more mature. He’s also very funny and artistic. I don’t thinks I’d change a thing. I have NT kids too and they all have their own challenges that make parenting hard too. I don’t think having NT kids guarantees smooth sailing either. If anything I worry less about his problems with academia and behaviors because I understand him ajd his struggles more than NT kids who just lack motivation or are acting out., No. I have moments of happiness but they’re always tinged with sadness., "" I want to want a kid so badly.""

You don't want kids! You should tell your boyfriend that in very clear terms. Don't have kids because you think you should. 

I have three kids I always wanted to badly and I'm still drained and resentful a lot of the time. Even neurotypical kids are SO MUCH WORK. I'm not minimizing how much work it is to have an autistic kid - but neurotypical kids still don't sleep through the night, go on food strike, poop their pants, throw a huge tantrum about an iPad, etc. It's so tiring even on good days and I can't imagine doing this if it wasn't something I wanted deeply., I am absolutely happy with my life. My autistic kid is actually my easier one! My frustrations are with the world and how it fails to accommodate him — not my kid who is a total delight and surprises me all the time., Nope. 35 m with a son with ASD and likely ADHD and another son who seems to have avoided both. Constantly burned out, overstressed, irritable. Love my kids, and we're doing our best, but happiness feels a long way off., Yes overall.  Most of things I find hardest about our life are more to do with my son’s comorbidities like his epilepsy and disability.  My boy is generally a sweet easy going boy who loves cuddles and tries his best (well most of the time lol).  We also have a typical 3 year old and that is part of our happiness because we can do a  lot of things we envisioned with her and sometimes our boy is able join.  Do I wish things were different with him? Yes, but that doesn’t mean I regret having him.  I love him.  I like him as a little person.  I don’t mind this alternate path a lot of the time., I have a really hard time keeping my house clean but honestly that’s my biggest complaint so I think we are doing AOk and I’m very happy! Our daughter is really flourishing this year - she’s 7 and she just starting wanting to have conversations, she ditched her headphones and has been dressing herself and we’ve had zero accidents! There’s definitely really hard periods but that is life in general, sometimes it sucks, sometimes it’s wonderful lol, I mean, I’m not depressed. Do I wish things were different, yes. But I’m not necessarily unhappy., I have 2 kids, 4 and 2; my 4 year old was diagnosed with autism about a year ago. He’s verbal and “high functioning”, but there are still things we have to work on and cause stress. I’m in my early 40’s, female, and while not diagnosed, I (and my parents) suspect I’m on the spectrum. My son’s temperament, the way his autism presents is so similar to me as a small child. My whole life has felt like a struggle; relationships, work/career specifically, my mental health. I still struggle a lot of with anxiety and depression and was terrified to have children but wanted them so I gave it a shot (made me anxious, I can’t lie). I can say without a doubt motherhood is the best thing that ever happened to me. It’s not easy all the time, but they, these two little humans and their personalities, bring me more joy and happiness than anything life has ever brought me. It feels like a gift to be a parent, in my experience. Many days are hard, I’m a full time working mother so scrambling to meet deadlines while getting my son to appts, ABA, etc, is rough, but my husband is very hands on and other family members nearby have been a support system for us. I know not everyone has that but it is a huge help., Not just that your child could be autistic also consider how you as an autistic would handle any child regardless of neurotype. Kids are an around the clock job. They are loud, they are messy, they need attention even if you are in burnout. They make noise when you need some quiet. They have smells and messy diapers. There’s 0 days of bed rotting allowed and you have way more pressure to be organized and put together and everything cleaned and remember stuff like their appts and school things etc. It’s alotttttttt….

Comparison is the thief of joy. I try not to think what my friends with NT kids are doing because their reality is diff. Their kids are eating a variety of food, they’re not hitting themselves in the head, they’re not melting down over basic things, they’re not in some autonomy struggle where a time out or counting to 3 isn’t effective at stopping negative behavior. And it is isolating to not have people to talk to that don’t offer useless suggestions because they don’t understand., Hi, turns out my husband and I are both on the spectrum, we went into it thinking it was just him (adhd was my dx)

There are hard parts, for sure. I can't say how your experience will be. I can tell you my children are happy, and most weeks so are we. We can go to festivals on the lake, big outdoor concerts, a whole bunch of things. We can't go to a indoor restaurant as a family, the din is too much.
 It's stuff like that; you just have to plan around yourselves and your kids. My kids might have different needs than yours. But I just wanted to chime in and say it can be fun, happy, and rewarding. 

My husband almost never smiled. He didn't really get into much that wasn't his interests. I can't explain to you the joy our children have shown on his face and in his day to day. It's crazy sweet to witness.

That said; agree with other comments. If you don't want kids please don't feel pressured. You get what you get and they need from you in a way that can be hard to manage., I wouldn't change my life for anything. My children give me purpose.
Yes, I'm overwhelmed, so so overwhelmed and burnt out but I love being a parent and I love their quirks and watching them both stim.
I just hope it gets easier managing 2 autistic children who have totally different needs.
I don't have a village to help me, I do 99% alone apart from school. The oldest doesn't sleep good.

If you are unsure about kids then don't let anyone try and talk you into it. Consider what you'd be giving up, make sure your partner is good with kids and especially clued up on potentially having an autistic child (or more than one).
Talk about how you'd raise the child, what values and ideals you want to teach them, parenting goals etc.
The mental load is also something to consider. Does your partner contribute to that now? Because if not it only gets worse when you have children.
I separated before my 2nd was even born because I wouldn't settle for a deadbeat., Firstly- I 1000% agree with prior post. If you don’t have a deep yearning for children, don’t have them. 
Second- my life has many happy moments. It also has many moments of despair. There are times when I feel weighed down by a thousand responsibilities. 
Third- don’t have kids unless you are 100% ready to deal with the consequences of a very low functioning child. My husband and I both know autistic kids from prior relationships. We both love our sons desperately, but it’s not a life I would volunteer for anyone. 
Fourth- it doesn’t end at 18. Are you willing to have a life often dictated by what your child can do? Are you prepared for the financial consequences?

If I had known beforehand that I would have an autistic child, then I would have adopted. I love my son, and that is part of the problem. I can’t protect him from the world. I can only support him. His life will always be a struggle, and that is not a life I would choose for a child, I'm very happy with my life. I was dx with autism the same time as my son. He is my world, and I love him so much that I'm having another in June. I don't even think about our dx most of the time. It's just a part of who we are. My family does better at life than most neurotypical people, so who the hell is anyone to judge me for living my best life?, I'm happy! I had and have problems and stressors, but none of it has outweighed my natural optimism and all the great things my life. And for the past three years, my daughter has been a big part of (both parts of) that. 

Is it a lot of work to keep up on all her therapies? You betcha. But all kids are a lot of work, so that was a given going into this. I have an extra workload, but I was never going to not be busy and tired as a late 40s single parent. 

Do I worry about her future? Absolutely. But I'm also very aware that I have it easier than most - she's very chill, fairly adaptive, and very smart. Happy and bouncing all around like a gummi bear. And once I knew she had receptive language, I was able to unclench. If she's never truly verbal (which her therapists do think she will be), we'll figure it out. She gets her messages across very clearly right now (and I'm basically deaf to body language or gestures, so she has to be broadcasting VERY LOUDLY), and we haven't even gotten to writing or an AAC yet. 

This weekend, we're heading off to Mexico on vacation for two weeks. Last year we went to Disney World. We don't get out nearly enough in general, but that's me being a lazy hermit, not her not wanting to. We go to the playground. The Please Touch Museum. Local fairs and theme parks. Play in the snow. There are places I can't take her (indoor malls, mostly), and things she can't do (fireworks, for instance, or parades). and places that used to be hard to take her but aren't anymore (out for meals springs to mind), but that doesn't mean we're trapped at home., Not happy. Don't have kids., Yes. While kids may be harder some days than others, we live a very peaceful, happy life as a family unit. Both hubby and I find time to pursue our hobbies and even do date nights once a month.

That said, 3-4 were really the hell years for our oldest, and things were bleak at that point., I am incredibly happy. 3 kids, 2 with autism, and a husband that works away from home all week long. It’s hard, sometimes I feel like I’m going to lose my mind, but I wouldn’t change a single thing., I have two autistic kids, one of which also has ADHD. I'm diagnosed ADHD and suspect autistic as well.  Our lives are good.  We do have some challenges that NT families don't, but the way I see it, all families will have different challenges. We do things that work for our family.  Sometimes that means skipping experiences, or different methods of doing things, or needing extra support, and that's OK.  I wouldn't trade my kids for the world. I have posted about struggles in harder times, but it's not that I resent or regret my kids, it's that I know there are people who will understand without judgment., My happiness (joy) does not come from having my children or their fluctuating levels of difficulty. Don't get me wrong - I greatly enjoy my children and I also face many frustrating circumstances with them too. They are a huge source of joy and love in my life, and I'd like to think more so than a source of heartache and frustration.

But I went many years without knowing two of my children and myself are likely on the spectrum (we are not professionally diagnosed yet) and while it's been very helpful in developing patience, understanding, and grace - both with myself and my kids - it has not been the make-or-break factor in determining how my life is going to go. 

Much of the big changes to living a happier, healthier life have been spiritual for me. I know not everyone will agree with me and that's okay. You don't have to. My greatest source of joy is my relationship with Jesus Christ. Everything has gotten better and easier to handle once I trusted in Him. It has put us in contact with mentors and people that are like family to us that are guiding us on this journey (and they have ASD kids and relatives too!).

A lot of this growth has come with mindset changes and getting rid of old beliefs I used to have about children/families that came from trauma and from growing up in a rather toxic household. (We are NC now and I have never had more peace!) Tackling these issues head on has relieved a lot of the anxiety and stress I used to have around managing kids, a house, a marriage, homeschooling, etc. The last 2 or 3 years have been the best I've ever had, and I can finally hope and believe that things are going to get even better for us still. 

But ultimately it's been a choice. Sure, there will be difficult days, stressful days, but also happy days and days to celebrate. I cannot and will not push you one way or the other about having children - that's your decision. Whatever you decide, will you choose to look for the positive or the negative in life? Because your joy will not be found *only* in children or parenting.,  I had no idea I was autistic and now I have 3 very young autistic kids. The stigmatization is very difficult and the constant advocating, standing up for your kids and proving people about your kids are exhausting. I got much more criticism from families than strangers which is very hard. I am lucky my kids appear to be level 1-2 I guess. My older son is pretty darn rigid especially at evenings but other than that he is fine., I’m happy but I do feel I’d be happier if I could communicate and connect with him more. That’s my answer., We seem to oscillate between look at us with our collective shit together and there’s been no aggressions, no one has gotten crab pinched, everyone is CHILL. Then there are times I pick him up from his dad and he bashes his head into the closed car window and usually once I get onto i95, he will unbuckle his restraints and come for my neck quite literally. My son is non speaking, but I feel I fulfill his wants and needs. He is as quick to respond in a loving manner with hugs and kisses as he is to hurt me, or his younger brother. We are his two targets when he is upset. I have remarried, years ago. My husband and son have a very special bond and my husband also just naturally has more patience than I do. He also has four of his own children with his ex wife. The man has experience. My ex husband and his wife have a bad habit of leaving our son out of family gatherings and parties. I can understand going to unfamiliar places with unfamiliar faces. But we take him to gatherings. The pool. The zoo. The park. It’s difficult though since he loves all of those places, I look like a kidnapper trying to get him to leave. 

I love my boys. I love all six of these kids. He does add a level of trickiness to things we do. We have to be vigilant as he will cut and run. I feel like since we share custody, we get a “break”. My youngest son, who as I said is a target oftentimes, does not get a break from his brother. There’s a lot of anger surrounding that. My youngest is in therapy on his own and also we do family work together. 

Some days are better than others. Sometimes I have to go hour by hour. It’s the nature of the beast. Plus he’s almost 14. Imagine being a 14 year old boy and going through puberty and feeling so confused. We explain but I honestly and say what he retains and processes. 

Don’t get depressed over what could possibly be, you’d never get very far. There’s so many variable in parenting and having a family that meshes well. It’s impossible to plan for everything. If you’re thinking this deeply about it, you’re already aware of what COULD happen. When I close my eyes and think of my Parker, I mostly see a giggly goofer with floppy hair that just wants a tickle and some seltzer water. That’s a pretty picture for me to have in my mind., You don’t.  If you do not want kids then you don’t want kids.  If he does then you two have a major incompatibility and likely need to move on to other partners who share the same life goals.   He will resent you eventually for not wanting kids and if you decide to appease him then you may resent him for pressuring you.    I know parents of neurotypical kids that are unhappy and I know parents of autistic kids who are happy with their children.   My ex has 2 autistic girls and is very happy with them.    I find my son to be challenging but not the reason for my unhappiness.  If anything he is the reason I left a horrific relationship my life may not be what I had envisioned for myself but it’s soo much better than it was before., I get told all the time what a dear my autistic child is.  He is smart (reading at 3) , social (have to rein him in) and loves to compliment people.   What I’m unhappy with has nothing to do with him.  He is my joy., Hell yeah I’m happy, Having a NT son first, before my NueroSpicy younger son ended up helping me understand this question. 
I only have boys, but BOTH of them are equally hard., >But are there any parts of your life that are genuinely good.

There are some good parts, yes. Overall I am not happy but that doesn't mean it's ALL bad.

>Are you able to do any of the normal and fun things that neurotypical families do?

Some things, yes. My autistic child is able to handle some activities really well. Strangely, she did amazing at Disneyland lol. She enjoys being in nature so we do a lot of hiking and camping. But other ""normal"" things like eating at a restaurant is usually a no-go.

>Do you have a good relationship with your child and your spouse?

I have a good relationship with each of my children. They have their moments where it's all about dad and they don't want me, but for the most part yes. My spouse is another story, though. Our relationship has definitely suffered since having children.

>Are you ever not burnt out depressed irritable and overstimulated? 

I have brief moments where I'm not irritable and overstimulated but that describes probably 90% of my life., It's ok to not want kids if you don't want them , it's your life . Live it how you want . 
I have a son with Autism and I can't lie at one point I wasn't sure if I could carry on because he was really aggressive and hurting me . BUT that was partly my fault , he can't talk but I wasn't listening . We forget there's a hundred ways to communicate. Once I learnt to watch his cues and listen to him he calmed down so much. He's so much more affectionate and he's happy ! I'm happy ! I love my life now and we work together . I just don't do things with him that other kids do but that's ok . I hated going to the park as a kid and kicking a ball and as someone without autism I love being at home and hate going out so for us we connect haha 
Once you realise that there are so many things you can do that makes you both happy ie we love spinning and chasing each other , love bouncing then you can find things together . But you have to work at that ., My (now 9 year old) daughter is the very best ‘thing’ that has ever happened to me.  She is the light of my life and the joy of my heart.  I’m so amazed by how thoughtful, kind, silly, and sweet she is!  

I’m so thankful every single day for her.  It took us over a decade of trying to be able to have her (on my second cycle of IUI at a fertility clinic).  Life is really hard and messy and beautiful.  She makes me want to be better and do better.  It’s a rocky road but it’s getting better through a lot of hard work.  
Anything worth having is worth working for.

I highly recommend working on your own mental health and your relationship before you try for kids.  Once you have children, everything changes, and it’s much harder to manage self-care.  If either of you have childhood trauma, please address it asap as it is really triggered when you have your own children., It's ok to not want kids. My 3 year old is level 2 and if he makes the choice as someone who's autistic not to have children I'll 100% support him. But as for your question I'm very happy to be the mother of an autistic child and as far as we know a NT child(he's only 4 weeks old). Of course it can be hard especially because I'm bipolar so I get a little wonky at times but I find my life with children very fulfilling but yes over stimulating more so when the toddler and baby are crying at the same time., What does it mean to be happy to you?, I am the parent of a young child (6m). My stress is not to do with my child per se, but rather the frustration of trying to suss out services/resources. 

One thing I have learned in life is that everything is a matter of outlook. I came to parenthood relatively late in life(early 40s). In my 20s I focused a lot on the negative things that happened in my sphere of existence. I was not ready to be a parent then. Somewhere around 29 I realized that s**t happens to everyone. It is just a matter of whether or not one allows that mess to be the focus of the rest of one’s day. It was eye-opening and definitely worked to reset my approach to daily living. I didn’t become a different person, but I did work to be less triggered by things I could not control. 

There came a time in my 30s when a kind of calm just settled over me about becoming a parent and it felt absolutely cosmically right to have a child. I am supremely grateful that I get to discover the world through his eyes and also that I get to help him learn to develop the tools to deal with the world around him. You, OP, may be in an even better place to help your child because unlike me you are also on the spectrum. 

Is it challenging? Hell yes, but the majority of what makes me frustrated comes from external issues, such as the lack of coordination with respect to available resources and the fact that there is no one place to find them.  

You never know who your child is going to be personality-wise, regardless of their place on the spectrum. You could have a typical child that challenges you more than any other child might. You could have a child on the spectrum that is amazingly easy personality-wise., No. Always tired, have had to give up pretty much everything that gives me joy because of lack of childcare, about to have to lose a career I worked hard to build (and is the last thing I enjoy as everything else has been stripped off me) as child can’t go to school, plus all the battles with institutions that should be helping but are not - even after a good fight.
Life is just more of the same frustrations, getting through each day knowing tomorrow will be the same - or worse. The constant threat of poverty due to the lack of appropriate resources to my child and my likely inability to work in the near future because of that. 
The very little engagement I get back from my child after all that. 
It’s lonely and it’s tiring., I haven’t been genuinely happy in years. I can’t remember what joy feels like. I don’t think I can even feel my soul anymore. Sorry it’s bleak!, I’m a “high functioning” autistic woman, with a 6 year old low functioning, non verbal daughter. Her father abandoned us after being ingolved for five years of her life -he was the one who wanted to get me pregnant and manipulated me into avoiding abortion- , he doesn’t pay child support and left me to be the default parent (as always, only this time is worse because I’m almost all alone). My life is hell everyday, and I wish I was dead most of the time., I am AuDHD with two AuDHD children and I would say that I am happy. I’ve always struggled with anxiety and depression and have a massive amount of past trauma, but I’m as “happy” as I have ever been. This life is hard though. Being a parent is overwhelming most of the time but also very rewarding. However, I always knew I wanted kids. Even though it is a very hard life, I couldn’t imagine not having kids. But if you aren’t 100% sure you want kids, don’t have them. If you don’t have a deep longing to have children and feel like your life isn’t complete without them, don’t do it. Being a parent is a 24/7 commitment for 18 years and doesn’t just end at 18. I didn’t know I was AuDHD when I had kids. I’m overstimulated and exhausted basically all the time. I love them dearly though and do the best I can for us all. I would lay down my life for my kids in a heartbeat but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel like I’m about to lose my mind at any given moment. One warning I can give you though, don’t count on having any help. Your bf may be a great person, but 98% of fathers don’t provide half the childcare or emotional support, not to mention the cleaning and running the household. If you decide to go through with having children, don’t do it unless you are prepared to be the primary parent with no support. Mothers often can’t count on family or friends to help either. I moderated a mom support group and the horror stories I read would give you nightmares., im happy for the most part but i think if i had another child, who most likely would be autistic, id lose it and feel regret. my son is only 3 years old and we’ve had a lot of hard moments. its been a real journey navigating this life with an autistic child that the thought of going through it all again makes me already regret it lol. If you don’t want any children, listen to yourself. In the end, moms carry the heavier load of parenting (i know not always but usually) and it can really take a toll on you. i’m pretty sure i’m autistic as well and if i would’ve known before, i wouldn’t have gotten pregnant. I love my son but I think my mind/body can only handle him., I looked at your other post and I think all of your worries are valid. It's hard. It's really really hard to be neurodivergant with neurodivergant kids, but it is doable. I would suggest ensuring you have all of these items in place before having children: 1) a really strong supportive long lasting relationship with someone who understands neurodiversity and is able to support you during tough times 2) other support people and services like housecleaning, babysitting, therapy etc 3) lots of money so you don't have to work crazy hours outside of the home AND parent 4) healthy coping methods like art, music, whatever 5) access to services for early intervention (if needed) for your child., Very happy. Also very appreciative of having a ND child. Has made me a better and more caring, compassionate person, I am truly happy with my life. My 5 year old is autistic and every day she wakes up I tell her I’m so happy to be her mama. We have our challenges but I’m happy and so is my family., It depends on the day. As of late things have been shit as my son has been having self injury screaming fits for bedtime. Both my husband and I tag team restraining him. It really fucking sucks. If it gets worse, we’ll have to call an ambulance to take him somewhere., What really torments me, is knowing that I'm going to die and leave my autistic child behind. He has a lot of capability, but I don't think he'll ever be *completely* independent. Other than that, I think I'm pretty happy. I have a wonderful husband, and we're financially secure enough to easily afford anything we need. 

My son is pretty happy, loves school, laughing, cuddling, etc. He is a lot of work, but he also makes me very happy (as does his NT sister)., Not happy. If I could go back I wouldn’t have had children., I love my life- i have two kids with ASD. There’s a lot of appointments and therapies which is hard but worth it. And a lot of late nights. My husband seems neurodivergent (and by that I mean undiagnosed) and understands our oldest way better and can better anticipate her needs in a helpful way (just as an example- counting down as I brush her hair because “she just needs to know it’s going to be over” and he was right that helps her a lot) I think being a parent is hard and all parents feel pressure to be a perfect parent and maybe that’s more intense when you have kids with different needs especially because you see all these therapists and specialists. 

Everyone is slipping on a banana peel away from a disability- which I mean anyone could develop a disability at anytime and life is unpredictable so I wouldn’t let that hold you back because nothing is guaranteed anyway- even for neurotypical kids. Some people are neurotypical and easy to raise- but still grow up to be jerks. Every person born is a chance to make the world a better place. And if you decide it’s not for you that is totally ok too- there are lots of ways to share that love in your heart without having a child., Very happy! With added disclaimer that I think we have it pretty easy with my 3yo.  Harder than my friends with NT kids. But much easier than many of the parents here in this community. And that certainly affects the experience.

He’s got a few words, getting more, though inconsistent. He doesn’t have trouble telling us what he wants (body language + vibes lol). The harder part is his very limited receptive language. But hey, he has some now and a year ago it was literally zero, so progress.

He is snuggly and affectionate. Silly and sweet. He also pinches and bites me at times (I’ve got some battle scars). And tests limits allllllllll the time.

But being his mom is a joy. It’s tiring and I get overstimulated. But we are one and done, so we can tag out to recharge when needed.  

Which is a key reason I can come here and say I’m happy, and mean it., Yes, I am. Even though my 3yo is autistic I feel I got really lucky with most things. She doesn’t have many behaviors, she sleeps through the night, we can easily engage with her. She’s nonverbal but she has her ways of telling us what she wants/needs. I also have older kids 7yo & 9yo and she doesn’t play with them much but she can tolerate being around them without getting upset that someone is in her space. I thank God for her, she’s saved me in more ways than one and made me look at life in a whole new perspective 🩷, If your sole pursuit in life is to be ""happy,"" you'll be a prisoner of this chase forever.  Raising kids in general is a tough business.  There are so many factors out of your control it's a miracle that they can make it so far, with all the help and village (or lack thereof) to raise them.  It's all about perspective; there will be good times, bad times, ugly times and hard times.  This is regardless of whether your kids is neuro divergent with ASD or any other health/mental/genetic abnormalities.  You have to take a leap of faith and understand your child may or may not be who you thought they're going to be.  For many parents with kids that have ASD diagnosis, it's not about finding the typical happiness of rearing a child, but finding deeper meaning in hopes of preparing their kids for a future that they deserve despite having their disability.  Good luck and I hope you the best in whatever you decide., I love my children with all of my heart, might, mind, and soul. My 9 year old is ND and my 6 year old is NT. My NT kid is just as hard if not harder than my ND kid. And Yes I am happy. Not content but happy. It gets easier as they get older. Not easy, but easier and helping them figure out life and what works is the best and when something clicks for them, oh my gosh. I love when he figures things out. Sometimes he will write notes and it’s like wow you are listening and learning and they are such happy parent moments. He’s the best kid ever (I’m absolutely biased.) and I wouldn’t change our journey because it’s make me, him, his sister and his father better people. We have learned so much on this journey. I love my life. I really do., I often do this thing where I time travel in my head, try to meet my partner earlier, go into a different career, avoid bad experiences or horrible people but every single time I abandon the daydream - because even in a make believe moment I don't want to jeopardise anything via butterfly effect that would stop her coming to me, *exactly* as she is., I will agree with the comments saying don't have kids unless you want them. SERIOUSLY!?! I sometimes think the boomers didn't want children, but they did so because they were supposed to..."" they seem like they hated having children.  I digress. 

In all seriousness,  I wanted children since I was an adult.  I am autistic and my oldest (5) is autistic.  My youngest is very different from my oldest, and we're not seeing any of the signs we saw with the older one of autism. We'll see as she gets older. 

I've never questioned the difficulties and whether or not it's worth it.  I am fulfilled most days,  even though it's tough.  It's easy to complain and vent about the hard stuff.  My oldest had an upset stomach on the drive home from school today and was screaming in the car.  I wanted to start screaming myself from her ear piercing screams.  But then I remember that my parents were quick to anger and quick to violence,  and I'm suddenly happy that my daughters get to grow up in a home where they feel like they belong and are loved and accepted as they are. 

Yes,  I'm trying to give them a life I didn't have,  but I also love the things we do together. We go camping,  we learn stuff together,  I share my experiences, and, although the older one doesn't say it very often,  I know she loves me and nothing even comes close to that feeling. The youngest is in a daddy phase and I can't get enough.  Even if she wants me in the middle of the night or when I don't have much in the tank.

It's hard to imagine a world where you are a slave to their every need,  but once you're in it,  the world you used to live in sewms a little less exciting. I do miss some of the freedom, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. I love it. 

But remember,  if you choose to have kids,  you commit.  There's no going back.  Once you're in it,  you're in it for life. Dive head first and don't look back., This is a bit philosophical, so bear with me, but happiness is relative. Happiness is not the goal to achieve in the end. Happiness is the journey. 
One can choose to be happy no matter the circumstances, and there is joy in little things. You can have the perfect life but still be unhappy, and you can have nothing and yet be happy.

I love my autistic child more than anything, and yet I struggle sometimes, even cry, but I wouldn't change my life, not one bit. I enjoy every moment, no matter if it breaks my back. 

I share this thought knowing that it all sounds a bit holier than thou, and it's not something people who are struggling want to hear, but I know there are parents here who think the same way. This is also something I learned at a young age, but it takes a lifetime to really imbibe it and make it a part of your core.
So, to answer your question, yes, there are people here who are truly happy. There are people with neurotypical kids who are the definition of unhappy. It's all a matter of perspective., I am but my son is still small so I worry about the future. I’m currently pregnant with my second., Just something to keep in mind is your child might have much higher support needs than you do. So make sure you have a lot of support. 

Also I think being am autistic parent is harder in general whether your kid is NT or ND just because of the sensory overload etc 

Do what's feels right for you! The spectrum is so wide, people will have vastly different experiences., Hmmmm. While I am happy, Im in the stage of my life where it is getting kinda easy, but slowly.

Our son is 2, almost 2.5. Progressively getting better! We are extremely proud of his progress, however it is hard. The tantrums, the stimming, not being able to successfully communicate, texture and feeding issues, and his lack of social skills.

Aside from those, I can say we take our son to many child filled events. And my kid sticks out like a sore thumb, to me. To any other parent he’s a cute 2 year old, but we know where he falls short so when he is around kids his age it is noticeably sad for us. We want better for him always, but it is hard to not compare, or wonder how life would be. 

I think as a parent of an autistic kid, you have to really remember the spectrum is different for every kid. Your struggles may not be my struggle, but it does get easier. It just takes time. 

My son did a 180 from last year, to this year and boy has it made life easier in many ways. Still challenges, but hey… progress is progress.

Goodluck, Content and generally happy, Yes - but not blissfully so - we are not Facebook/insta perfect in my household - haha. My SN child is my youngest of 4. Honestly, I can say each kid has their own annoyances and difficult behaviors depending on their stage in life. Sometimes all the kids are difficult all at the same time (or frustrating) and sometimes everyone is okay for a bit, with every combination between. We been at this parenting stage for long time now - our oldest is in college and we just started SN/integrated preschool in the fall for the youngest. 

Some days are dreadful and take everything in us just to make it to the end of a day (or when the day ends after every both of the sometimes insomniac littles finally falls sleep at 5-8am - Finally!! ). And some days are much easier than others, there may be less arguments that day and I just might see the special bond building between the kids, or my almost verbal youngest kid learns a new phrase and those days are when I feel like I'm rocking parenting and my heart just sails. 

My husband and I talk a lot about what if we hadn't had the last 2 kids ( one NT , one SN) and we always agree, we couldn't imaging our lives without them exactly as they are. Yes, I wish their lives would be easier to live through (especially the SN kiddo) but I wouldn't give them up or trade them for an ""easier kid"". We encourage special interests and try to make decisions for each kid based on what is best for them that year regarding schooling and activities. Be weird and unique and learn to laugh at yourself before anyone else has the chance.
We use these mantras to encourage each other....
"" the days (and phases) are long, but the years are so short."" and 
""When you're going through hell the only way out is to put your head down and keep goin til your through to the other side""

It can suck  sometimes, but the good times get us through the bad times. It's life set on hard difficulty, but not impossible mode.

At the end of the day, I make myself pick one good thing to be grateful or happy for so that I can count it as a small win., If you’re aware and prepared to have them then why not? Teach them about mental health early on and educate them. It was only a problem for me because mental health wasn’t talked about with me and my siblings. Break the stigma and educate. You can have bpd and be a good parent with treatment and that being said my oldest is autistic but we suspect our 2nd baby isn’t because he doesn’t have muscle weakness like my first did and he’s already reaching every milestone he’s supposed to be doing. Sometimes mental health issues can skip generations so it’s not even a 100% guarantee each of your kids will have anything. I drew the unlucky straw and got my dads mental health issues but one of my sisters and my brother are mentally well. But in all fairness if my mom didn’t cause trauma and I knew about what I had then I think I would have been fine., I’m content. I’ve been pursuing happiness since long before I had my daughter, but it’s elusive no matter what your life circumstances are. I often thought I have it easier than parents of NT kids. She’s 17 now and it’s not all sunshine and roses, but I wouldn’t say I was unhappy., How old are you? Had i waited until i was in my 30s, i would probably be happy and able to handle a difficult child. I became a parent when i was just entering adulthood.  I was learning to be grown while being responsible for a new life., I'm extremely happy. I love my son dearly and I know he loves me., My answer may vary day to day—even on hard days I’m happy, and even on easy days I can fall into a black hole. But more often than not I feel happy. My daughter will always need help, the world won’t always be kind, but I feel love and give love to her. It’s a gift. But again, ask me tomorrow and I may feel sorry for myself, sorry for my kid, and pissed at the world., Hey mom of two with one ASD son and another that as of now seems to be NT (9 months so a bit early to tell). Autism as my husband and I discovered seems to run on his side and on mine we have a lot of anxiety/adhd. We are very lucky to have an overall easy and happy child and truthfully the luck and support seems to be what makes our life easier. We do have hard days where neither boy is happy or I’m overwhelmed or my husband is. But we make it work and we make time. We have a lot of very supportive family that is always able to watch the boys for us to go and be a couple and just get a break. We did have a hard with our son’s initial diagnosis, but since then we’ve learned to celebrate all of his accomplishments and advancement. We both love our boys very much and care for them, having had them willingly and consciously. Funnily enough our NT presenting child is actually who my husband has struggled with more. So I feel like everyone’s situation is different. We find joy in going out as a family and introducing our sons to new experiences but again all situations are unique since our son is pretty easy going and loves to try new things. At the end of the day I find that those that consistently regret children the most are the ones that had to convince themselves into having them. Children should be a choice that you make enthusiastically. Because it’s better to possibly regret not having had a child than regret having had one., If you would have asked me 2 years ago, I would have replied, "" Hell no! 1 star--would not recommend."" I would have gone back in time and talked myself into sterilization. We almost didn't survive. 

Things are better now, but I am still working through a lot of C-PTSD from the rough years. I still struggle to feel ""motherly"" towards my eldest (17M/lvl3/ in residential due to violence). The little dude (14/lvl3) is alright though. He has his meltdowns occasionally but nothing like his brother and we can handle it. Haven't had to call the cops once yet (for violence, that is...he is an eloper but we have him tagged now). 

I'm glad we made it, but the dark days were baaaad. I'm glad I didn't let the darkness win and end up on the evening news. 

If I knew what I was going to have to go through, then I probably wouldn't have been brave enough to do it. 

I'd be a lot richer too, but that's a minor consideration for me., Happy is an emotion that comes and goes with current factors.  Some days/seasons we’re far from happy. It’s miserable and it feels like we’re in endless darkness. 

Other moments bring unthinkable happiness…my little guy finally catching a specific species of fish he’s been reading about, or finding a giant sketchy snake, or sharing his extreme enthusiasm for Moby Dick.  


Overall, it’s tough. But God made our dude unique.  There are 9 billion people on earth and not one is like ours.  So after the meltdowns and punching and violence and social problems and broken furniture and etc… God wanted us to have him and we buckle up and do what we need to do., Am I happy with my life? YES! I absolutely love my kids. And I have an amazing, supportive spouse who is active in raising our kids. Is our life perfect? Do we get to do everything we want to do? Absolutely NOT. I gave up a lot of myself and hobbies even when my first kid was born and hes not diagnosedwith ASD. 

I used to be an avid snowboarder, some people take their kids at a young age but I didn't, my oldest was a lil slow on milestones but never flagged for autism. I used to camp a lot and go on long backpacking/camping hikes, camping with a little with ASD, not potty trained and prone to eloping would cause me more anxiety than it was worth. Hoping to start going on easy camps again in the future but haven't mustered up the courage yet. We used to go to comic-cons and large social events with our oldest but those things also became too much with a high needs kiddo who doesn't like crowds. I haven't been to see a movie in theaters since before my youngest was born either. 

Kids, whether ND or NT will cause your life to change. You might not be able to do some things you take for granted now. But I'm also quite anxious and over cautious in general. Having kids should be something you really want, and you should be prepared for your life to change regardless of whether they are NT or ND. Never let someone else pressure you into having kids. If you do, you could come to resent your potential kids and no kid deserves to grow up feeling unwanted. Life is hard enough as it is., Tired sometimes, but overall a very happy husband and father. My kid is a double rainbow baby. Two heart wrenching miscarriages before him. We really wanted a child, and we were blessed with a child during probably the roughest part of our marriage. But I swear since he was in the womb he’s been trolling us, and I mean that in a sincere “haha” way and not a bitter way. Parenting isn’t easy. Parenting a rambunctious, inquisitive, autistic 3 year old is probably more so. When I see parents of younger toddlers just walking in a parking lot with their kid just following them and not holding hands I always let out a “must be nice”. 

I’m very fortunate though. My kid rarely if ever melts down. He’s getting better every day with communicating. He goes to school and daycare so my wife and I are able to work full time and he seems to be doing well in that environment. As he gets older things may change but right now I am happy. He is a great kid., Life has challenges by itself, it does not matter if you have kids or not. I had my son until I was 37, because I did not want to have kids, but my husband did, we are separated now and I am with my kid.  Life :)
I was not totally happy without my kid, do not think that kids would make you happy or unhappy.
What is really important is that you be surrounded of a good group of people, that are there for you.  Identify things that you enjoy before kids, so when you feel that you need a me time being a mom, you just have this list of things and ideas that would help you.
Every decision has a new joys and responsibilities, that we were not use to.  If you buy a car you now have to remember to take it to service for oil change, now you can get a flat tire, save money for the gas, you have to clean it, and you can drive farther and see new things., Hi. I don't think you should have a child unless you really want one, otherwise it's very likely you might end up resentful which would be disastrous for both you and your child.

Also there's so many variables with raising someone neurodiverse whether you're neurodiverse or not (My husband was neurodiverse, I have some characteristics but I'm sort of borderline but my father and two of my siblings are most likely neurodiverse). I have four children. My oldest is turning 21 and is autistic (I'm not sure how levels work, but she has a lot of anxiety, is verbal and in college, then i have 17 year old triplets, one who has ADHD and emotional challenges, two boys who are autistic, one is similar to his sister. The other is a lot less self aware, has ADHD.  He didn't start really talking until 4 or 5 but now talks all the time about his favorite subjects.

Some of the following you probably know from your own experience so apologies if i sound pedantic here.

1. How hands on will your boyfriend be?
2. **How much support will you have?** What I mean is state support, community support or family support? I live in a community that considers helping others to be a huge priority. Because of that I had a lot more support.  I don't have much family support as until recently I didn't have family living near me. I live in NYS which provides a lot of support. That makes a HUGE difference.
3. Since it's a spectrum (which you know of course0 **it's impossible to really know how much needs your child would have.** I have it easier because my autistic kids are relatively easy to manage.  Nobody's a runner. Two of them will most likely be able to be independent.
4. This is related to point 1. **Kids have way more services than adults do.** My sister in law lived in Ohio but moved back to NY because when her daughter turned 21 there didn't exist any programs for her. In her case her daughter has down syndrome, but it would be the same for an autistic adult,  a My niece has day programs, also goes away some weekends and has a multiple week summer program she goes to that otherwise my SIL is an empty nester (she's in her 60s) that makes a huge difference in her life.
5. **How was your childhood?** I grew up in a single parent household with 4 siblings (we were 5 all born within six years) for most of my childhood. That helped prepare me for having kids and also eventually for widowhood eight years ago. It doesn't mean life is easy, but my expectations were different than my mom having five children when she grew up with one sibling seven years younger than her with a perfectionist mother.

Okay so after all THAT I'll answer your question.

As a parent I've been overwhelmed in different ways. When my oldest was 18 months she had a seizure. That's not uncommon apparently with autistic kids but I didn't know this until this year when speaking to another parent. Do I regret having my children. Never. That said, I had factors that made it easier. 1. I had a lot of community support. We have an organization for families of special needs that has been amazing. 2. I live in one of the best states for raising autistic kids. That doesn't mean it's been easy. But it's been easier. 3. I had a husband who wasn't always present but very supportive. 4. My kids are verbal, and for the most part easier to parent. That said my oldest has a lot of anxiety about basic living which makes it hard for her to function. Thankfully she's getting therapy. And yet I didn't go on a trip by myself for 16 years. I finally went this summer on a family road trip with my mom, sister and her wife while one son was in camp, my child with emotional challenges was in respite and the other two were able to stay home.

Am I overall happy? Yes. My kids are great. I sometimes haven't been as great as I could be for them especially in the earlier years. I am on anti-anxiety medicine too and see a therapist. I also didn't have kids until i was 32 so I had my twenties to be independent which also helped, but is it hard. Have I gotten overwhelmed? yes and yes. And that's with community support and support from the state., I’m happy enough, I am not happy but I wasn’t happy before kid either. I was able to hyperfocus on my career in advertising and I was incredible at it. It’s my fault, I didn’t know much about mental health at all. Once I had my son and began worrying about him and then the diagnosis, everything became so clear about myself. I am totally burnt out now as my sons primary caretaker, 9 years of no more than 2-4 hours of sleep at a time leaves my cup completely empty. You know when I am happy- when I drop him off at school and have silence in the car. That’s the peak of the day., My son is 2.5 years old and non-verbal. I tear up all the time when I see 18 month old babies talking and communicating so easily with their parents. What an easy life that many people take for granted. They even joke with me “you would wish they would just shut up like yours!” 🙄

HOWEVER, my son has taught my husband and I so much about the true meaning of love. And our patience has been one that’s way higher than it ever was without our son. We also know how to deal with people that are similar to our son and it’s amazing to see.

Kids in general are HARD, autistic or not. In my opinion, it’s harder than marriage itself. But with the right partner, love, patience, and access to the right tools, it can be very rewarding 💕, Yes. I teach kids with autism. I have a monogamous realtionship but will never marry, and I love my life!, I will preface this by saying that my kid is level 2, but overall I am happy. I'm tired and sometimes overwhelmed, but it doesn't feel as if it's at a very different level to other working parents of neurotypical kids. I think every three year old is a little energy vampire. 

It has definitely gotten easier as he has gotten older. He is currently chilling and listening to his Toniebox, and I have been doing some light cleaning. We are going to the science museum in a bit. We did the zoo on Monday, and an Easter Egg hunt last weekend. He's on spring break, but normally he has school during the week. 

I don't know. I am sure there are some unique challenges we are experiencing, and his therapy schedule is intense, but ... It doesn't feel like it is very different to having a neurotypical kid, especially as he is becoming increasingly verbal and wanting more interaction with me.

Again, level 2 kid, so I am not saying my experience is universal., Having kids us hard weather they are NT or ND. But you just love them through the hard times and there will be PLENTY! my 6yo is autistic and I wouldn't change him for nothing. He's the best boy and has made my life better. I have a 1 yo and idk if she is autistic or not yet.  It's hard to tell for sure when they are little but she may have some common early signs.. which honestly.  Nothing could make me happier if she was. I'm just used to doing life like this and always loved helping special needs people even when I was a kid.. so I think I'm just made for this 💪, I’m happy, my toddler is awesome, I’ve got a great support system, and an effective game plan to meet her where she’s at for her life. Are there days that are hard, absolutely, but I’m happy. Now I discussed heavily with my husband that ASD runs in my family before having a child to ensure that we had talked about what the challenges would be and how to best support any child we may have. If you do have a child and you notice missing milestones, fight for a therapy referral. I started talking with my child’s doctor at 1.5 years that she’s showing symptoms of a delay. At two we got her into ot/st and while we’re still showing signs of a delay, the gap is lessening, and I’m very confident she will be an independent adult, without any need for paid long term support. Children can get speech and ot before ASD evaluations comes into play. But if you are concerned about not meeting the needs for an ASD child, adoption is just as valid an option., I'm very satisfied with my life. We went through a really hard time a couple of years back, but that was mostly unrelated to my kids. My soon to be ex-husband was emotionally abusive and manipulative and made my life very hard for a very long time. Life is so much better now. It does help that their dad has them half the time, so I have time to myself. 

My kids are my whole world, and I love them to bits and am so grateful and happy to be their mom. They have relatively low support needs, and we can go out into the world and do most normal stuff. My 5yo has a lot of anxiety, so going to new places is always challenging, but it's been getting easier. My only real complaint is that my 3yo sleeps terribly, and the sleep deprivation takes a toll. I'm hopeful that it will get better as he gets older. It's already gotten a lot better compared to 6 months ago., I’m not only AudHD, I have severe trauma -ptsd, depression, anxiety, hashimotos hypothyroidism, severe migraines, substance use disorder (have been clean 13 years) and other things. I had my son at 33. He is truly the best thing that ever happened to me and my life is so much fuller now and seeing his smile makes me happy. I can say it’s hard but being a parent can be hard at times. I can also say that I am truly happy. I appreciate my child and he is the light of my life. Everyone is different. 

I didn’t think I would have a child either🤍, I love being a parent and knowing that my children have someone they can rely on. 

As I kid I didn’t have that safety/comfort because my mom had 6 kids and was a widow. She worked 2-3 jobs and we hardly saw her, our older siblings were in charge of the youngest. Her time was very limited out of necessity. 

Now as a parent I try my best to be present as much as I can. My eldest has ASD but she’s made so much progress over the last year after starting school. She was nonverbal and would be aggressive and had constant meltdowns to the point of nosebleeds/vomiting. It was very difficult but thankfully my husband was very involved as well. Now she’s speaking, can initiate conversations, asks questions, describes her feelings or surroundings, remembers conversations from other days and is really helpful with her younger sibling. She also knows peoples emotions and is really caring. All of this I something I couldn’t say in March 2023. 

It’s tough but it’s worth it when she says “mommy! I’m so happy I can dance” and she starts dancing 🥰❤️ or “mommy I love you soooo much”, Im in a state of serene pleasure with moments of intense anxiety. Autistic homies can have it go you just cant shy from your problems., My SO is on the spectrum, diagnosed after our daughter was.  I fear for my daughter and the difficulties she faces/might face, but it never makes me love her less.  I have 1NT and 1ND and  let me tell you, you are going to face challenges with any child.  But I fear more for my ND child.

There are also times where I am not able to help her.  I am trying, she is trying, but we aren't connecting in a productive way and that is hard to face.  We are lucky in that the majority of her diagnosis is concentrated in emotional regulation and social development and the physical/mental development is not largely affected (though we have been through 2 years of intensive speech therapy and her speech is behind her ND peers).

We spend a lot of time making sure both kids feel like they have their needs met, often at the expense of my own needs.  I have to have a lot of grace for all of the emotions of everyone in my house while I have to be non-reactive (making me feel like I don't get to have feelings some days).  I get burnt out and most days my self care is just a cup of coffee and my anti anxiety medication.  All of that sounds bleak, but that's the dark side.

I feel very lucky that our daughter has had early interventions which have allowed her to progress greatly.  I feel very lucky that she is verbal.  I feel very lucky that she is pretty much the carbon copy of my husband- who has lead an isolated, but fulfilling life.  And I have hope for my child.  As part of the autism community, I know that we are insanely lucky and that on the more severe aspect of the spectrum, the hope is different, the fears are different, the stress and intensity is different.  I have nothing but compassion and empathy for those families, especially because at the best of times with very mild symptoms raising a child with ASD can be hard and draining.

But I would not change a thing about my daughter.  She has opened my eyes to be more understanding and loving of my husband.  He has been able to learn through her.  We have been able to give her the experience and loving childhood my husband should have had.  She's funny, sensitive, caring, intelligent.  Her presence makes my life better.  Both of my kids are the single most point of stress in my life.  They drive me to the brink and back again.  But I delight in them.  I love watching them.  I love teaching them.  I love exploring with them and seeing who they are becoming.  They are undeniably the best part of my life and if they were to go, life wouldn't be worth living.

I love most parts of my life.  We adjust a bit to make sure that while we do things most NT families do, we have set ourselves up for success. (Telling her exactly what is going to happen, what to do if she wants to leave, which parent is her ""buddy for the day"" and which parent will be in charge of her sister. Paying attention for her stims and listening to her words. Watching videos of what to expect and giving her space to have feelings and a calm down spot when she asks for a break.  And we accept her no.  No cajoling or trying to convince her if she says she'd rather not do something.  Its just, okay! let's not do that!)  We go on planes, to the zoo, to aquariums, out to dinner, to winter festivals and summer water parks.

I have a great relationship with my children who think I am both God and their servant, so basically- Mom.  I have a great relationship with my husband though we both get overwhelmed, burnt out, and stressed.

Motherhood is a complex experience, but its not for the fainthearted.  Its not for the unsure.  The only reason to ever have a child is because YOU really, truly **WANT THEM**.  Because it is absolutely a labor of love in which you will break yourself down and be rebuilt into someone that lives for someone else.  And that's fucking hard.  To be a secondary character in your own life.  If you don't want it enough, you'll develop resentment, and I cannot stress this enough- your child didn't ask to be here.  We owe them everything and them nothing because we chose them.

So, after this long ass post, my answer to you is don't have kids.  I see your BF wants them, but until you are SURE, until you can look at everything everyone has said and confront the reality and understand what you could be getting yourself into and can find the delight and joy, don't do it., So, happiness comes from within.  You have to love yourself to love others.  You create a helpless child, totally dependent on you.  You learn right along with them.  It creates a bond that if you can love, becomes a part of your core being.  But, you will also see everything that you don’t like about yourself in your children. And because they watch you and learn from you, they end up mimicking that. So what you were seeing is a reflection of what they see in you. Also, make peace with the fact that you are a reflection of your parents, and your children will remind you of your mother or your dad. That’s why loving and accepting yourself is key. If you are happy with yourself, you will see children happy within themselves. If you are frustrated with yourself, you will be frustrated with your children., I'm a mom of two.  The oldest is autistic, and I'm currently undergoing evaluation to see if I'm also on the spectrum, which we suspect I am.  

Not going to lie, kids can be hard. It can be exhausting. And venting about it is necessary sometimes.  But man alive, they are also amazing.  I've never experienced love the way I have with my two little people.  I could stare at them for hours and just watch in wonder and amazement. And sometimes I do! And sometimes I want to toss them out the window.  I feel like I get to experience life new again, seeing it through their eyes.  I am in love with the fact that I get to grow old with these people, and watch them turn into adults and have their own lives.  So definitely worth it to me.

In saying that,  it's not for everyone.  If you don't feel like you want kids, that's ok, and it's important to not go down that road if you don't want to. I have kid free friends with happy fulfilled lives who wouldn't change it for the world.  Only you can answer for yourself if it's the right choice for you.  There's no right/wrong answer other than how you feel.  Good luck., It's a weird one. It's really stressful and lonely sometimes, and I rarely get a break (lone parent). But if I could go back in time and change things, I wouldn't. I wouldn't be without my kids, and I do have joy in my life., I am a late diagnosed autistic woman with adhd and I have a 7 year old boy, recently diagnosed.  I love him to bits and he's the best thing I've ever done with my life.  I sometimes question if I made the right decision given the state of the World/UK/global outlook etc, and I often question my ability to parent, but I never question my love for him (I'm a perfectionist and there is a whole thing about being a 'good enough parent which is difficult for me to accept as I want 100%) and I love being his mum.  He is so funny and it's brilliant getting to know him as he grows up and develops his own personality and preferences.  He's so strong willed and confident in ways I could never be, and I'd like to think that at least in part that's down to me being the parent I wanted.  So, I'd say go for it.  Of course it is hard, being a parent is tough, and the lack of sleep can be crippling, but it's also rewarding and fulfilling in ways nothing else is.  I'd say for me pregnancy was the really hard part as you get told endlessly about risk and how many ways in which babies can die, so by the time my son arrived I was a mess and I couldn't sleep in case something happened in the night.... 🙈 being autistic through that process was tough, courses are designed for NTs.  But seeing him grow, and develop into a wonderful, kind, funny, silly, clever, fabulous human being is amazing.  I wouldn't change anything.  I also loved the closeness of baby carrying (using slings, amazing and that baby smell, yes!).... You often get horror stories, I think, as parents are mostly tired and in need of more sleep than they get and that makes them cranky. And it can mean sensory overload as an autie parent, too, but you can find ways to cope.  Sometimes I think being autistic has been my super power as a mum because I became so focused on being the best mum I could be.  Being responsible for another human being is huge, at least it is for me.... so you need to be able to deal with that.  Also, it's a lot easier if you have family or a good support network.  I didn't.... but still here and have eventually found one!  Good luck and go with your heart, I'd say (if we were entirely rational about it, I don't think any of us would have kids, as it doesn't make financial sense and is arguably detrimental to our personal health in many ways, but here we are?!!!  I think it's far more beneficial to us in many other less tangible ways). ♥️💐🖖🏻, I'm happy in my life, yes.

But that doesn't mean it isn't stressful.  I am not on the spectrum, so I don't know what life is like when you are on it.

If you are worried about being overstimulated, then having a baby, whether on the spectrum or not, is something you want to think real hard about.  I hear people on this site, saying because of autism they don't like to be around other people too much.  Well if you have a baby you are with them 24/7. 

If you really want to have a child, but really don't want a child on the spectrum you could look into adopting.  I don't know if that is the right answer, but it's a possibility. The reality is none of us are signing up for special needs kiddos intentionally (except those who choose to adopt them)., I take the “it could always be worse” mindset, Had to check to see if this was the autism page or the marriage page. LMAO but really, lots of variables can make or break parenthood. None of us are perfect, and neither are our kids, autistic or not. Don’t let anyone make that decision but you and your partner., Like Charlotte from Sex and the City said, I’m not happy all day, but I’m happy every day. I’ll say that we are super fortunate to be able to afford a lot of things/help, and our autistic baby is relatively easygoing., It's hard and stressful like you wouldn't believe but I still love my son. Of course I wish he wasn't ASD but honestly, my husband and I like to keep to ourselves and if we had an NT kid, I'd feel pressured to put him in sports and do playdates with strangers, which I'm glad no one really asks us to do. Like someone else said, we bought our village and have ABA most days of the week and even have ABA at school now. We also have family nearby and he's got cousins who are his same age who try to include him in things.

I didn't always think I wanted kids but I'm glad I have my son. I think if I hadn't, I'd always wonder what my kid would be like. My husband and I have a great relationship and if we didn't, I'd probably feel entirely differently. I can't imagine doing something like this alone. BTW, I take meds for depression and that also contributes to my more positive outlook. I remember what it was like without the meds and......it was a black hole like you couldn't believe., I want to say I’m happy but I’m not. Single mom by technicality right now, working full time and then coming home to chaos is really hard. I’ve been sick for a few days, and after my un potty trained boy was sick with Norovirus has pushed me to the brink. Today there was poop smearing when I got home after days of cleaning diarrhea and ruined blankets.  I just had a massive rage fit basically and I can’t tell anyone because I’m ashamed of the state of my anger, the pain I feel, and the hopelessness and then THE GUILT of getting so angry at someone who probably has no clue why I’m so upset because his social rules are completely different than mine. I feel so unloved by my son, even though I know he loves me. And I feel so guilty for getting angry at him over things he probably doesn’t get why I’m so destroyed over them. BUT like so many other people have said, I don’t regret having him. For me, I painfully regret my own inability to be better. Also I’m a teacher and these middle school kids are fucking killing me every single day. That doesn’t help at all. Don’t let anyone pressure you, but there is nothing like being a parent and the love you can feel. Good luck either way., It’s hard. And it’s taken awhile to see more good. You never stop loving your kid though. The reality is autism is expensive. Our daughter is in ABA, occupational therapy and speech. Will your child need these therapies? Who knows. I didn’t know but fortunately we have insurance. I didn’t know there are people who pick careers to help children with autism. So if you want a child then do it. There’s so much help out there and once you find your tribe you will be okay. All of these therapist are my village. We have no one else we don’t get breaks or date nights. But my daughter has changed so much from last year. We get to go out to dinner. We get to go to the fair and to the mall. We will be enrolling her in tennis soon and in August she will start preschool through the state. No one can write your story because that’s your story. No one can tell you how it’ll go. But as a mom I can tell you it’s a beautiful thing to raise a little one. Nothing is perfect with this life and the kids don’t ask for perfect., I am BPD AuADHD and my partner is ADHD and very likely NPD and we had the talk about what if he had ASD but the tricky part about that conversation, even if it’s well intentioned, you have no fucking idea how to prepare for that unless you’re preparing for the worst case scenario. so I thought because of my personal experiences I could guide him but his ASD is very different from mine, so I had very different expectations. Also I went undiagnosed most my life whereas we got my sons diagnosis before 2. My parents never had the responsibility of therapies/behavior coaching that I have had, it’s incomparable. Because my parents still don’t believe the importance of being neurodiverse affirming and accepting, my support system has been inconsistent and made the beginning of my motherhood journey fucking hell. I’ve learned these are the key things to being a successful parent 1) figuring out if you’re emotionally capable and resilient , go to therapy if not 2) do you have a support system in place to maintain self care for yourself , if not could you afford one? 3)can you afford and handle being a parent with ASD child if you split (High divorce rate) 4)do you have family that would look after your child after you expire ? would you be ok not knowing if your child has a good quality life (living independently and having a social life outside of parents)? 4) are you being honest with yourself about the reason why you want a child? You will absolutely have it thrown in your face that you made the choice to have a kid, could you live with that and make the most it?, To reiterate what some of the other people have said, it's ok to not want to be a parent. AND it's also ok to not want to be a parent, with your boyfriend. 

If he really wants kids and you don't, you need to have a sit down calm conversation about where your relationship is going. 

Most people will have been in relationships at some point and realised that they have different ideals or what life will be. It's ok, like most things in life, communication is massively important., It's very hard. One autistic child is difficult to manage, but I think if you have a supportive community that will help care for your child and take some of that burden, then I don't think it'll be just as stressful as solo parenting., I’m happy. I’ve got a good career, happy kid, supportive partner. Things aren’t always easy but early intervention really helped my kid and she’s much happier than she was when she couldn’t communicate. That makes me happier., For me the most helpful thing about this experience has been focusing on it like a puzzle--like several puzzles I'm working simultaneously a lot of the time, but really the idea is to figure out which strategies work, which things need to fit in place to be able to manage it (like, we all do better when I am more relaxed, so things that are relaxing for me get moved to the top of the list; we do better with more sleep and a consistent routine, so things that disrupt that get taken out as much as possible).  I think the frustration comes up for me most reliably when my expectations are so far away from reality--I can get really attached to an expectation or excitement or anticipation for something I'm looking forward to, and if it doesn't materialize like I imagined, it is incredibly discouraging and it's easy to plunge into my life is a misery and will always be a misery because this circumstance will always be with me.  So one thing that I have to figure out is how to ensure that there are things I will enjoy that are low risk of being screwed up.  I feel like it has made me a more emotionally mature person than I was before, like I think in the past I felt like I was in control of everything and because for the most part I was, I was entitled to feel frustrated by the things that weren't to my liking.  But now I am so much more aware of how out of my hands things are, and once I learned to make a little more peace with that (a work in progress lol) it relieved some of that frustration and made me feel like a nice life was actually really possible, and maybe even more important, that I would be enjoying that nice life as a more self-aware, compassionate person than I would have had the opportunity to be before.   I am, for context, a single mom with a level three ASD kid who is 8 and a NT kid who is 10, and we live far from family, including the kids' father.  BUT we have a great school that I never have to fight with, and I have a pretty low stress job with flexible hours where I make enough to outsource some things.   Some of that is luck and some of it is intentional--like I keep this job despite a lot of opportunities to advance and do something more interesting because that flexibility is part of my ""village"" that someone referenced earlier.  When I started to pay attention to all the things that make my life easier it really changed my attitude towards not having a partner or family nearby--like what would family actually do that I can't do in some other way?    Solving as many things as I can in creative ways is, for me anyway, part of the fun and growth of this life, as opposed to just checking the same boxes everyone else gets to check.   I am not sure I would have picked this life off a menu, but I think I would not have realized how much I was missing if I hadn't had the chance to live it., If you have reasons to believe your kid might be autistic and that is something that would lower your quality of life (you are already asking so it definitely in your mind), why not looking at adopting? Lots of kids out there are in need of love, I am very happy. My life is a whirlwind of chaos but the bond I share with my boy is something I wouldn't trade for the world!, Yes, we are very happy!!  Sometimes it’s very hard, but that’s true of life.  I have a great relationship with my spouse and kids.  I have 4: 19, 5 (ASD), 4 (speech delayed but otherwise neurotypical), 1.75 yo neurotypical., I often feel exhausted, burnt out, frustrated, etc… but I love my son more than I ever thought it was possible to love another human and I don’t regret having him at all. There are really hard moments and hard days sometimes, but we have just as many really fun and happy moments and days. We have adapted our lives to accommodate my son, and once I accepted that that was just our reality and not the social media fake perfection, it helped. My son definitely helps me notice and appreciate the little things more. And he’s helped me to enjoy childhood all over again through his eyes., My husband is neurodivergent, our oldest daughter is on the spectrum and her two little sisters are neurotypical. We are for the most part in love with our lives.

He struggles a little with the sensory overload of the chaos of our house (3 kids, 2 adults, and 2 dogs) but we have learned each others bat signals for when we’re going to lose it. A “hey do you wanna go take 5” is our love language.

All 3 of our daughters are fucking fantastic and they make our lives so crazy and so beautiful. He gets our eldest daughter on a really special level and has been instrumental in her ability to love and accept herself exactly as she is. 

All in all I’d say we’re the typical family just loving and living. Sure we have some unique challenges but it just makes it all the more fulfilling at the end of the day. We have a home, food, clothes, and each other. When all the kids are in bed and we can finally lay back we usually just say god damn, we have it all., I am married with 1 child. I would say that I am actually pretty happy in life. I think my life has improved since the times when I was single and childless. It's definitely changed but in a mostly good way. Having a child can at times be over stimulating but the pros do outweigh the cons. I wake up every day to my husband and son's smile. My son will usually put his face to mine and touch my face with just the biggest smile on his face. He laughs constantly and it's beautiful. We do a lot of things as a family too. It does take more time to plan things and get ready to go out but you get better at it with time., To procreate is divine. Autistic kids are difficult to handle, but I honestly can't imagine my life without my son. I think about everything I did before my kid and it all seems so boring and empty. You truly won't get it until you have a kid, autistic or not. Keep in mind too that most of the people posting here are also autistic, so there is a high chance that if your kid is autistic, they will still grow into a somewhat functioning adult, Parenting is a big responsibility. If you are independent yourself and feel like you can raise a kid, then why not?? I am a NT parent of an autistic kid 5yrs. His diagnosis was a shock for us, but we have accepted it now and are as happy as anyone can be. Raising a child is a beautiful experience, no matter how he turns out., I’m super happy. My toddler is ASD 3. He’s in therapy, he’s learning. We’ve gotten to a real good spot where we know what helps and what doesn’t. Yeah we have some bad days but I cannot imagine my life without him! He’s got 1 younger sister and he loves her! I want one more even though I know I could have another ASD child., I could not imagine my life without my ND kid. I love that he’s my firstborn and I would literally not have it any other way. It feels like my kid was always meant to be ND and all his “quirks” make me feel even more like I’m meant to be his mom. Sorry 🤷‍♀️, Now, I will preface this with the fact that my son is currently 3, and does not have a formal diagnosis at this time. He has a functional speech delay, and some other behaviours that point toward ASD, but others that don't at all, and our pediatrician has taken the ""wait it out"" approach for the time being, but I am pretty confident he will end up with a diagnosis of some sort, if not ASD, some sort of processing disorder would be my guess. Either way. YES. Parenting my child comes with some enormous challenges, but my goodness, does he ever bring so much joy and light into my life. We are able to do SOME things families with exclusively neurotypical children do, and other things we avoid, and there are some things where we find a compromise that works for our family. We do things a little differently than what might look typical to most families, but what we are doing is working for us. We have more appointments than most families with a 3 year old (speech, and OT right now), but we are fortunate to have access to therapies to support my son's development. He makes me laugh every day. He makes me feel loved and needed every day. He teaches me something new every day. He amazes and surprises me every day. There is no shortage of happiness in my life; even though this isn't the EASIEST path, it is certainly not a path lacking love and joy., It’s hard. But I wouldn’t trade my son for anything., Yes I am happy- I have times where I feel disappointed for my guy- I hate that his life will be more challenging simply because he was born- but he is so happy and cuddly and is such a light.  He makes me smile all day long- he is the best thing thats ever happened to me.  , Yes. Life is not perfect but I love my beautiful high support needs ASD son and despite our challenges he makes my life better with him in it. For the bad times outside of that I remember that this life is temporary and I pray to God that there is a place in the house of Jesus Christ for me and my family. Thank you God for my boy, I’m really happy! 2 NT teens and one ND toddler. I’m also most likely autistic but undiagnosed. I’m a single parent, gave up work when the little was born as they have other medical needs. So a lot changed, but not necessarily for the worst. Are there hard times? Yes. Are there days I think I can’t handle much more? Yes. But that was the case with my older, typical kids too. That’s ALL parenting IMO. My little is the chillest, most loving child ever. We have a bond of steel, nobody comes close and we have a happy life just chilling out! We can’t do breakfast with Santa, or swimming lessons, or the Easter bunny. But I’ve let go of that because that’s not what my child wants. We do what they love instead (mainly walks, the beach, driving, tickle, chase etc, iPad). They’re also great on holiday, we go away a lot and that’s a big plus for us. 

I can hand on heart say that I’m happy. I wish my child didn’t have potentially rough times ahead in life, but there’s nothing to say they won’t thrive and be truly happy too. We had a ROUGH time when they were born and I’ve watched them nearly die, go through brain surgery , facial surgeries etc so nothing seems hard in comparison anymore. I think my default is extreme gratitude my baby is ok, so that may play a part in my answer. I also think the nature of these forums is that people reach out when they’re struggling so it can seem like having an ND child is all doom and gloom. And I’m not taking that away from anyone who struggles, my heart goes out to them. But remember it’s not a given that it’ll be that way :), You might not want to do all the fun things everyone else does. You'll want to do your own version of fun. 

As an autistic parent you'll be able to understand and advocate for your children, both ND and NT, in ways others can't., I’m very happy, is having a child hard sometimes? Definitely but the pros far outweigh the cons. My child is funny, happy, energetic, creative, gentle little guy. I love his personality, I love his way of doing things, I love the ways he shows his love! The first couple years were the hardest for me (not because of him) but the drastic change to my life and how I liked things done was very hard for me. I settled into the new routine eventually and I’m so happy now. I love my family and I love my child!, Imo happiness is a fleeting emotion like sadness or anger or whatever else. It comes and goes. It's a mood. I do have plenty of happiness in my life, along with frustration and exhaustion and sadness, just like anybody else. Each one has a time and a place. I think the more important, more constant feeling is fulfillment (or lack thereof). Happy or sad or angry, I'm still always fulfilled by my life and my family. I'm glad my 3 kids exist. I feel lucky to be their mom. I love that they're each a little walking/talking (or babbling lol) embodiment of my and my husband's love for each other. 

Sounds cheesy, I know. I don't really say this stuff to anyone, but since you asked I figured I'd give the whole answer haha! 

But also, if you don't want kids, you don't have to have them. What is fulfilling for one person is hell for another. Can parents of autistic children be happy, fulfilled? Yes absolutely. Whether that'll be the case for you is really only up to you though. 💜, Yes, we’re happy! My 4 year old ASD daughter is so much fun! She loves to hike, work in the yard, she’s curious, she loves to snuggle. She doesn’t talk often, but when she does she is hilarious! Yes, our daily life looks different- we have to make sure she’s getting adequate sensory input to stay regulated- but we have fun.  For me, the main sources of stress are having to fight to get her into services (already having to plan out summer months and next school year), I wish she’d have more interest in her little sister, it’s frustrating seeing her do something once and then refusing to do it again, and, the biggest one, not knowing what she will be capable of as an adult., I’ve experienced grief and hardship in my parenting journey but my life is infinitely better with my daughter in it. She’s a goofy ball of energy who makes people smile everywhere we go. Shes affectionate, happy, and curious and I learn from her every day. I think happiness is complicated. I wasn’t happier before I had my child. I’m not sure I can say I’m happy now either but I experience plenty of joy and much of it is because of her., My 3yo (ASD) and 1yo (NT) daughters are the light of my life. Autism is not easy but it comes in so many different forms and waves, so some days are not so great and others are the best days we’ve ever had as a family. My daughter on the spectrum is quiet (when she isn’t singing haha) and sweet and introverted. She loves singing and drawing. She is truly a gift in that she is easygoing and agreeable most of the time. There is a lot of work and effort involved on our part as parents because we want to and do work toward providing her as much support and services as possible so that she can learn to communicate more and thrive in her new preschool program. Raising her and being tuned in to her needs was all we knew until her sister came along. My younger daughter is an energetic extrovert. I often consider parenting her to be on easy mode because she sleeps like a rock and I am far more familiar with teaching someone socially motivated who learns by copying/mimicking. That said, she is much more vocal, opinionated, and likely to get into “trouble” - ie getting into things she shouldn’t and testing boundaries. In this respect, she is not as easy to parent as my firstborn. Each has their quirks and strengths and weaknesses. Both fulfill my husband and me in their own way.

Being a parent is the best thing I’ve ever done. I find so much joy in our girls and who they are becoming and I absolutely wouldn’t change a thing. I wanted kids my whole life. I grew up with an ASD sibling, it initially made me apprehensive about having a child with ASD, but this is due to my own shortcomings rather than any potential heartache or distress brought on by having children. Every child, neurotypical or divergent, is different, and everyone will have a different experience. Whether you roll the dice or not, I wish you confidence and peace in whichever choice you make., I’d say you can be burnt out and depressed even without an autistic child! I have 4 children, 3 who are autistic! Life can be crazy and there’s days I can’t catch my breath but I don’t know who I’d be without my kids!, I love my kids. I love seeing them excited to jump in bouncy houses, ride rollercoasters, swim, line things up in the sand at the beach. I love coming home to their laughter, their excitement. Sometimes it’s difficult, and I vent. Even parents of NT kids struggle, parenting can be difficult. If you want a kid, prepare for it, plan what you want to do with this child. Give them the love and childhood you want to give them., Not gonna lie, my life sucks, I’m not happy and I struggle to get through the day.

With that being said, I have no doubt at all that all my current struggles would be worth it if in two decades my son is doing what you are doing right now.

Since you asked for it, my advice for you is to have children with your boyfriend., This is a good point! None of us can tell you if *you* will be happy with kids, be they autistic or not, I 10000% agree. I am content and fulfilled because I always wanted to be a mom and had my kid when I felt like I had done all the things I wanted to do in my 20s (studied, traveled, etc). I also knew going in that being a parent was going to involve sacrifice and I felt ready. If I had had my kid any sooner, it would’ve been a tougher adjustment. I’m personally very happy with my kid. I don’t compare him to neurotypical kids. I also celebrate what makes him unique, and I think he’s so cool and sweet and fun and interesting. He’s also so smart and a motivated learner, and it’s been fun learning about his special interests. But my life involves zero time to myself, lots of work on regulating my emotions, high stress when my kiddo is having a tough day, lots of worrying about the future. My husband is an exemplary dad and partner, and even with all these wonderful things, there’s still a high level of being needed, lots of stress to manage, appointments to juggle. All of that to say it’s okay not to want kids, it’s okay to want to wait a good while until you’re sure you’re ready, and it’s important to take the time to be sure that you and your partner can work together and are on the same page about kids., I didn't want kids & am Bipolar; knew I shouldnt.  In a Manic Moment, a coworker came to work on Endorphin High after his wife gave birth & said it was Best Feeling in World.  I got PG that night, first time ever w/o birth control, at 34.  Dr called me Test Positive @ work.  I loaded copy machine cartridge backwards & it trumpeted like an Elephant.  That F\*\*\*\* A\*\*\*\*\* coworker never even congratulated me on PG.  I often wondered how his kids turned out.  My son is Estranged from me, Aspergers, and today is my 70th birthday.  I regret having them.  My life went downhill.  More trauma than happy memories.  Sorry to be honest but this is anonymous.  My mother should not have had me & I should not have had children.  My half-sister's one child turned out real well but we're estranged., 100% agree with this. It's something you and your boyfriend need to have a serious conversation about. Sounds like you're completely opposite in your desire for a child. And that's completely ok, he's either going to see your point of view or you go your separate ways. If you decide to stay together, it's a possibility that down the road you find that desire to be a parent, but you can't let him dictate that. 

To answer your question, my wife and I are overall very happy. There's the money struggles with having a neuro-divergent child with expensive therapies, but aside from that and the occasional burnout, it's pretty smooth most of the time. The most frustrating part is that our non-verbal three year old daughter can't easily tell us what she wants, needs or if she's hurt but we're working on that every day and I'm confident we'll get there. One thing we decided when she was around 2 1/2 is that she will be our only biological child so that we can focus solely on her needs as long as we have to, and if we decide down the road that we have a desire to expand our family, we will adopt an older child., or coerce/baby trap you, *Statistics in study after study show that the happiest people are single childless women.*

Why are they also the women most prone to alcoholism and suicide?, Can you give any advice on building your village?, I’m so sorry it’s been so hard.  That’s especially tough when there are limited resources, both financial and emotional.  You are a good parent, doing what you can and putting your kid first.  Society doesn’t make it any easier. Are there other services available in your area, to support low income parents, for example?, I’m incredibly sorry for your experience, could she qualify for TERFA or low income Medicaid? That could help with the gap in healthcare coverage. Also with Medicaid, if she’s having feeding difficulties, a doctor could prescribe her nutritional shakes, and hopefully that could free up some income for your needs as well., Very similar situation here. 

There are definitely times that I find myself wishing things were easier. But how do I know that having an NT kid would solve all of my problems? right now things are easier with the little one, but that could change in the future.

The bottom line is that it’s hard to have kids. Whether or not they are autistic, or born with some rare illness, or completely healthy and NT, it is just hard., Yeah I'm also very happy with my autistic and intellectually disabled daughter, she is a delight.  I know I'm lucky she doesn't have many behavioural issues that are really hard to deal with that I see a lot of parents vent about here.

I really feel for those parents.  The ones who aren't getting any sleep, who get hit by their child and deal with constant screaming.  I feel bad for the poor kid too who is obviously struggling to live in a world that can be physically painful for them if they have sensory issues etc.

But my daughter is happy, and that's all I ask for. 

I wrote a post about my daughter here:

https://www.reddit.com/r/Parenting/s/ghYOcewxqr, I love this. I feel the same way. I said to my partner if I had to re-live the same decade of my life over and over it would be the birth to 10 years of my kids. No question., I didn’t consider autism was something that would happen. I thought it happens when you gave a baby in your 40s not 27. I was an idiot. If I’d have known then what I know now I wouldn’t have had any even my probably NT one. It’s not worth it. It’s not a life I wanted to give my child. He has no future, nothing to look forward to. There’s no point to my life either., This.

I see a lot of ""very happy"" and ""wouldn't change a single thing"" replies so far, but the fact you guys are here already says a lot., I actually relate to this a lot.  Maybe not every detail, but mourning what could have been - missing my life before having a child - those are all huge for me these days.  My son is 2.5 years old and we're just now starting on this path together, maybe I'll feel different down the road.  But it's hard right now., I agree, I mourn my old life, freedom to do as I pleased, no worries and the future to look forward to, getting up when I want to, having a job and money, not having to attend meetings at school and having to jump through hoops given to me by people I have little respect for, being threatened that my kid isn't welcome at the school unless he shapes up. The list is endless. Sometimes my life feels so joyless. I think staying childless would've be far better. I didn't suffer any miscarriages nd I'm sorry for what you've been through. My son was born extremely premature and that's when my life went pear shaped., This. 

I have two autistic children and one NT. Oldest is NT and the middle child- we didn’t even know it was autism until I was already pregnant with the 3rd. Had I known that it was autism and that it’s very likely future children could have it, I would absolutely 100% not have had a 3rd child or even the 2nd one knowing it is likely genetic. The third child is severe and I am a caregiver for him. I have no life. 

Op, I didn’t want a 3rd kid. I told my spouse after the second child that I couldn’t handle another child like her and that I would end up in a looney bin if we had another like her. He just kept saying it’s not going to happen over and over and I gave in. Well guess what? Now I’m a caregiver and the third child is 10x worse. Are you prepared to become a caregiver or listening to possible screaming all day long, not being able to go anywhere, spending all your days driving your kid to back to back therapies? What if you and your man split? Are you prepared to be taking care of a child like that alone? It’s a lot of things to consider and I WISH someone would have given me the harsh reality heads up like you are getting on here. Do I love my kids? Absolutely. They are my kids, I created them. But I’m not going to sit here and lie and say oh it’s so great just take the chance. 

The thing I feel most guilty about is my NT child missing out on so many life experiences bc we have had to leave or avoid things due to the autistic children and their needs. I try so hard to do special things for my oldest when I can and she is so understanding but I feel like such a shitty parent or like I’ve almost ruined her growing up experience 😞

My spouse always said, if we have another I’ll help, I’ll promise I’ll help. He doesn’t help. It’s all on me all the time. He works and brings in the money so that’s all he thinks he needs to contribute. He goes out with friends and does his thing and I’m stuck home with the kids. There are many mommas like me. I don’t want you to be one of them if you don’t need to be. Really take time and think about what YOU want., r/regretfulparents is a good place for support and venting without judgement., Also it stopped being ""cute"" once they hit puberty and being stronger than their parents., This experience varies widely depending where on the spectrum your kid is. My sons 5 not conversational has tons of energy and impulse issues and we do things like social skills group that leave my scratching my head why some of the kids there are in therapy. 
All kids have challenges, some autistic kids are more challenging than others., To answer the rest of your question - we had a second child right when we realized son might be autistic and we started receiving services. I do carry some guilt that his baby sister sometimes has to play second fiddle bc of his needs. I try my hardest to schedule his therapies around when they won’t impact her schedule, but know this will get harder as she gets older and has her own commitments. 

My husband and I are still obsessed w eachother! We’re both tired and done some days, but o think that would happen w any toddler and baby to care for. 

Yesterday my son had a huge freak out at the library and it ended w us both crying on the way home. But that’s an exception, not the rule. 95% of the time we do all the things we want to do and he can hang and enjoys it. And if he can’t, that’s okay and we go with the flow., We've had night terrors, days where one is sreaming the whole day, days I sat and cried with my kids because I can't and they can't.. it's not all roses. I'm still glad I chose it., 💯!, Hey thanks for that brushing hair countdown tip! Why didn’t I ever think of that! Lol! My ASD 9yr old girl HATES having her hair brushed due to sensory but she LOVES timers and countdowns! This is going to be a huge game changer., And of course only if YOU want to and YOU would be happy if you did. My babies mean a lot to me and make me really happy despite the challenges I face. I would do anything for them and I’m happy I get to see their little faces everyday, Same- I always wanted one but it didn’t happen and I gave up that dream. Then it happened!, Lmao . Funny how you easily take accountability for having a child when you shouldn’t have but don’t seem to take accountability for addressing your mental health while being a parent. BP requires consistency of self care and routine just like ASD, and as someone with a similar situation it’s irritating hearing your excuses., I would love to see the actual statistics to back up your statement., Sorry, but I don't believe that at all. They will need a much larger sample size to convince me women are happiest when they go against their instinctive maternal nature.  

I know many older women who have regrets choosing their career over a family., Right. Shit gets to be a lot some days but at the end of the day I just wanna hold him when he’s asleep and stare at him. Genuinely love him more than life. He’s a lot. But he’s mine., This rings so true!! Well stated. I wish I could get my point across as eloquently., My tiny is 4yrs old and even with the chaos at times, I could stay here forever. We sit together and put marble run mazes all over the living room. We both love setting them up. And legos. And drawing. And bike rides. She’s my little bestie. 
To answer OP, nothing is ever the same, but not in a bad way., Hi,
Yeah autism is often said to be the result of having “older parents”, which I am, but I’ve heard of plenty of twenty somethings who have children on the spectrum, so more likely it runs in families.

I am learning how to get better at my own stress management, but it will take work.

Do you get any help at all? You both have futures, I know it’s hard to think, but you can help your child and yourself. :), Relatable. I often feel like I’m not cut out for this., wanting support and community doesn’t mean that you’re unhappy. It’s fine for the group to have room for both!, LOL I see some sour grapes here. I can be very happy and also sometimes want to ask a question to people who have hit the same issue before., Does it? Getting and giving advice about unique kids means we are miserable?, How does finding a relatable and helpful community = unhappy?? It’s like joining a planting club. You can be friends and socialize at the club meetings AND provide insight on why my plant isn’t growing. Maybe it needs shade when I’ve only been giving it sunlight., It's a parenting advice sub Reddit. If you are on a gardening subreddit it's not just because you woke up to day of the triffids., I just think it's feeling like you have to say the ""right thing"". Even here.

I also think plenty of people use ""happy"" instead of ""content"", which I could buy., I'm trying to stay positive since 2-5 are some of the hardest years but it's not a guarantee my son will make progress - which is something I have to emotionally prepare for, Here's a sneak peek of /r/regretfulparents using the [top posts](https://np.reddit.com/r/regretfulparents/top/?sort=top&t=year) of the year!

\#1: [The painful realisation that I could be living my childfree friend's life if I didn't give in to marriage and kids. I miss my freedom so much.](https://np.reddit.com/r/regretfulparents/comments/149u6l0/the_painful_realisation_that_i_could_be_living_my/)  
\#2: [I FINALLY exploded on my mother for her constantly badgering me to have a baby.](https://np.reddit.com/r/regretfulparents/comments/14kjsnw/i_finally_exploded_on_my_mother_for_her/)  
\#3: [This type of mental gymnastics can be so so harmful. Did you ever had to deal with a person like that in real life?](https://i.redd.it/z63r4j2jgndb1.jpg) | [113 comments](https://np.reddit.com/r/regretfulparents/comments/1575vs9/this_type_of_mental_gymnastics_can_be_so_so/)

----
^^I'm ^^a ^^bot, ^^beep ^^boop ^^| ^^Downvote ^^to ^^remove ^^| ^^[Contact](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=sneakpeekbot) ^^| ^^[Info](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/) ^^| ^^[Opt-out](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/comments/o8wk1r/blacklist_ix/) ^^| ^^[GitHub](https://github.com/ghnr/sneakpeekbot), I hope it works!, It’s funny how sometimes life works out that way. I met my husband when I wasn’t looking for a relationship and here we are! So glad your dream came true :), Sure, hereya go!

[https://www.bu.edu/sph/news/articles/2023/women-without-children-at-age-35-are-at-highest-risk-of-binge-drinking-alcohol-use-disorder/](https://www.bu.edu/sph/news/articles/2023/women-without-children-at-age-35-are-at-highest-risk-of-binge-drinking-alcohol-use-disorder/)

**""Women who turned 35 in recent years, as well as women who have not had children by age 35, are the subgroups of women at highest risk of binge drinking and having alcohol use disorder (AUD) symptoms.""**

[https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamapsychiatry/article-abstract/496069](https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamapsychiatry/article-abstract/496069)

***""Women who had never married exhibited higher relative risks for suicide than married parous and married nonparous women for all age groups younger than 65 years at the start of follow-up.""***

***""Among the married, the parous women had lower relative risks than nonparous women for all ages.""***, I get quite a bit of help actually but unless something will make it go away then honestly it just feels like all our lives are over. Nothing can make it better., If not then this happy parent will bounce, LOL, Have I ever been happy? No. Does my daughter make me more happy? Yes., I appreciate you providing the proof for your statements, but if you read the whole papers that these come from, there is much more nuance than your statement suggests. 

This still doesn't mean that you should allow anyone to push you into having kids., Maybe the ones who make it to 65 are happiest?  I imagine societal pressure is strongest at younger ages, and less and less people give a shit as they get older., I’m sure the happiest single people are between the ages of 18-25, Valid, I am. I mean, it’s hard. Not gonna lie. But my thought is that life is usually hard in one way or another and though I’m not autistic I am totally blind so I’m no stranger to finding my own way through the rough timres., I’m so unhealthily stressed it’s insane. I love my son but this life isn’t for the faint of heart., The one thing no one has said, but I think is more important than anything else; if you don't want kids, please, please, please don't let anyone talk you into, bully, or shame you into having kids. 

There is absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting kids or deciding it's just not what you want for your life no matter what the reason is. 

Statistics in study after study show that the happiest people are single childless women., I’m happy, but more stressed than I would be if my son wasn’t autistic. I have 2 kids 5 and 7. 

My 5 year old is verbal but not conversational. It’s been a long road of getting kicked out of daycare, scrambling for childcare during school vacations, getting calls from teachers. That stuff is all what gets me stressed more than my actual kid. The rat race of it all. Never ending therapies and appointments. Everything is just harder like doctor appointments. People constantly trying to figure him out when in public. 

My 7 year old is typical. We live a pretty “normal” life. My older son plays lots of sports. My ASD one is easy going places. We do the movies, trampoline park, went to Disney. He goes to his brothers games. We go to the beach and pool, go on vacation, stay in hotels, fly on planes. No issues. Everything is pretty typical except the language delay. I think if that could catch up life would get a lot easier. I work from home which helps but I can’t have calls when my sons home. Even though he’s almost 6 I can’t tell him to be quiet while moms on the phone he doesn’t understand. 

My son isn’t interested in peers but that part doesn’t bother me. My older one is extremely social so we get that experience. Me and my husband are introverted so are more in line with my ASD son than the older one. 

I’m constantly burned out but not just because autism. I work full time and my husband has a crazy work schedule, we don’t have much family help, 2 kids therapy and sports  schedules, I’m in the middle of taking the cpa exam. Life’s just always crazy, but I know that my kids are my purpose and do it all for them 


I wouldn’t change it for a thing though, I love my guy., Autistic solo parent as well. If I didn’t have the resources to hire help I’d likely be depressed. I bought my village and it’s worth every damn penny., I have moments of pure joy. One of them was today. My son and I spent two hours playing at the ocean and on the forest trails. That was a happy time. During that time I was not burnt out or overstimulated. These moments don’t happen everyday but when they do, they have a way of balancing the rest., I might be a much needed person on the other side of the grass, but I'm incredibly unhappy. I have depression and due to my job, insurance isn't readily consistent, so I can't get therapy or medication, so I'm boarding alcoholic so I don't kms. I'm also autistic and the loud  noises my daughter makes triggers me, I don't like that it's hard for me to stim around her, she's too needy and requires attention that's hard for me because I often disassociate. She's low functioning.  She affects my sleeping and eating routines to cater to her. I have limited income, and we have differing pallets. So almost all my food money goes to her food, often leaving me for days without eating regularly. 

 My daughter is lovely, but society is not. The stress of what will happen to my daughter if I die. The stress of constant therapy, not being able to participate normally in activities like Christmas, halloween, and Easter due to my daughter sensory issues and tantrums. Not being able to talk to her. She can't  tell me she loves me or gives me affirmation. She cant tell me im doing a good job.  Constantly feeling like a failure as a parent.

I'm straight up miserable. I wouldn't wish my life on anyone. I lowkey gave up on my life, but I try to give my daughter everything I can. She's lowkey spoiled because I know life will be hard for her. And if I knew it would be this hard, I would've never had her. My life was 100% easier without a kid (asd or not). I find being autistic makes parenting a bit harder. I dont like how people will treat her in public when she stims or needs extra support. It stresses me out. Not for me but for her. I love her so fkn much im ashamed I brought her here. I wish our society was kinder to disabled people and kinder to parents., Yes I m very happy! My husband and I make lots of time after our kids go to bed for sex and emotional connection/conversation/quality time so we have a good relationship. I’m the primary caretaker of our 5yo (ASD) and 1yo (typical appearing). We have been extremely luckily that our son is a happy little boy. He’s nonverbal but for the most part he’s really chill. We follow his routine and he’s happy as can be. Lots of hugs, eye contact, face smushing, snuggling. He communicates as best he can and I can usually understand and my husband can usually figure it out 60-70% of the time. We do some “typical” family things like go to all inclusive night at our local museum, family photos, go trick or treating, go to the park. He tends to stress out if it’s too out of the ordinary like someone’s house or a restaurant so we don’t do that but we also have a literal baby lol. We live happily in our bubble. We love our kids. And more importantly we like them and their personalities.

Edited to add: I often get overstimulated but that’s where we communicate hey I need to tap out., Autistic single parent with level 2-3 autistic toddler. Like any aspect of life, there are ups and downs, but I can’t imagine my life without this kid. There are struggles but my overall quality of life and life enjoyment increased exponentially. It is the adventure of a lifetime 🌈❣️, No, I’m not happy. It’s been hell. I love my kids, but if I could make my older son be low support needs/verbal autistic or even NT, I would do it in a second.

But all I can do is my best and try to build superhuman patience., I am but my kid is 9 now and it has gotten a lot easier within the past year., Nope., Yes, very happy. People post when they have stuff to complain about. I spent all day on Sunday with my little dude. We spent a ton of the lay laughing and just joking around in our own distinctive way. It was a great day and nothing out of the ordinary. I didn't post about it because...well, why would I?, Honestly, I feel bipolar with how up and down everything is. A lot of times I'll say ""I hate my life"" but it's really a shorthand for ""I hate that this is currently my life"". I mourn the life I used to have, and sometimes I regret insisting to my husband that we should try for kid(s). I think about the life I could have had were it not for my miscarriages - would I still have had an autistic child? I don't know, and I probably need professional help to work through my losses (regarding the miscarriages, the life I could have had, the ""normal"" life my autistic child could have had, etc.). 

I'm still able to find joy in smaller moments and try to look forward to things in the future - just trying to survive this season of life., Had I seen this question a few days ago or maybe even a few days from now and I would have given you a different response, but no. Absolutely not.

I really wish I wasn't his mother. I love him so much but I wish he wasn't mine. Someone else could probably be a much better parent than me. It is just a feeling of constant failure no matter how hard I try it's never enough. I know it's not fair to him but I'm starting to resent him. And I hate myself for it. I hate that the only way he pays me any attention is if I bark at him like a drill Sargent. I hate doing it but if I don't then he is just 100% feral. We can't go to the park. He has no sense of danger and it hurts so much seeing kids so much younger than him just miles and miles ahead of him. I don't feel like a parent, I feel like a keeper.


Edit about 24 hours later:

I debated about deleting this comment due to the pure shame I feel about having written it. I'm going to leave it up because I want others who might feel like I did yesterday to read this part too:

I was able to get a good night sleep, and so was he. His behavior isn't really that much different than when I wrote the comment,but my tolerance threshold is much higher now that I've had some time to sleep. I was overjoyed earlier today because he finally wore his ear defenders outside and he was able to play while the neighbor mowed his yard. He bamboozled me today by putting on his boots and picking up his tablet and a blanket. I picked up the keys thinking he was asking for a car ride but he ended up taking me outside because he wanted to nap on the neighbors trampoline snugged up with me. I melted. 


I still feel awful and ashamed for saying I didn't want to be his mother anymore, but even when I had that on my mind the fact that I love him more than anything never changes., No. And I realize that others here have it worse but I fantasize about not having to deal with the constant daily challenges. I feel trapped because I don’t believe I could ever leave. She’s 8 now. And I’m not sure if or when or how she’ll be able to be an adult and able to live on her own. She’s been kicked out of 3 schools, has lost me multiple childhood friends, lost my friendship with my best man in my wedding, created rifts with close family. There’s no babysitter we can find who lasts so my wife and I rarely get a night to ourselves. She sleeps like an adult and I have to drag her out of bed every morning just so that she goes to sleep before 11pm. If I don’t let her do what she wants she screams, calls me the worst names, says she hates me. And I’m paying $1k a month for her therapy.

I wish someone would’ve told me there was a possibility that this could be my life. I thought that because I worked hard in school, got a good education, great career, high income, work from home, that I could be happy. And yet this is my life., We have a 18 YO NT Daughter at College, 16 YO NTish Son at Junior College & a ASD 3 almost 3 year old who is pre-verbal (knows 12 words now).

I would define our life as very “Complex” our normal looks very different then most people but we are happy. Tons of therapy and as an example we just had our first movie out in 3 years while LO was in ABA.

But he is so very Awesome. Like anything in life the world is ultimately what you make of it. Personal clarity is really the root of happiness., Honestly speaking, having an autistic kid is very hard on  the parents. After my daughter was diagnosed, my life turned upside down. I couldn't go back to work because she is severe. Someone has to take care of her or look after her. She is 5 years old. My husband works full time, and he has financial responsibilities, so he can not help me out all the time. So, now, I am stuck with her, and I don't have a choice. No babysitter or daycare wants to deal with her because she is extremely aggressive at times. My life sucks!!! I cannot work, I cannot go out when she is home (unless my husband is watching her) I cannot have time to myself because she is clingy and wants attention or food all the time. I have become a prisoner in my own home!!! 
She is completely non-verbal and has extreme sensory issues. Respite care is only 20 hours per month in the state I am in. Most respite care providers lack staff to even give you a break. Honestly, I hate my life, I regret everything. I regret getting married. I regret having my daughter. If I could go back in time and change it, I would. I am just so burned out and so fed up that at times, I don't want to deal with it at all, but I don't have a choice. I miss my old life..so, think before you make that decision...life is not going to be easy if you have an autistic child., If you’re having questions like this without kids don’t have them. Simple blunt and to the point., I love my son - not any more or less because his autism. I love him because he's him. His Autism is a DISABILITY  but does not define who he is as a person.

I absolutely hate his Autism. My son is level 3, pre-verbal but in actuality still predominantly non-verbal. Autism is parenting on EXTREMELY HARD mode. Some people will sugar coat the shit out of it but trust, it's not for the faint of heart. Don't let tik tok, Pinterest, Facebook and this other social media fool you. Autism isn't a cute quirk, or a different type of brain wiring. It's a disability that requires, for some families, an insane amount of resources and time. 

If you know you may possibly be autistic, have autism in either of your families then think long and hard about having biological children. It's ""cute"" when it's a 2 minute tik tok or a gushy validation seeking Facebook or even reddit post but when you're looking in the face of a person you love most in the world, who you chose to bring in this world and KNOW they will struggle more than a person who is not disabled it's not so cute. It's not so quirky. It's not AUSOME 🙄. It's more often than not heartbreaking.

Not coming for you, just giving you a perspective from a mother who loves her son more than her next breath but  if I would have known my son would be disabled I would have never ever offered him up to this world. He deserves so much better than what life has in store for him.

Much love., Omg I love my life and my son with autism is one of (if not THE) best part of it. I think jt comes from a partial place of privilege bc we’re dealing w mostly not huge “challenges” rn speech delay and lack of interest in peers. He’s 3 and I know things will be harder as he grows and little kid problems grow into big kid problems. But my day to day life is made better everyday from my son. Nothing makes me happier than seeing him happy and helping to contribute to whatever he’s super interested at the moment (rn it’s letters/the alphabet). Even today I can easily say the highlight was a new alphabet book I got him arriving and him screaming w happiness and kissing the book saying “so happy” after he finished looking through it each time., Wouldnt say happy. But i wouldnt say its because of my daughter either. I just had a child too young and the lack of resources and financing (i make a decent salary for my age but insufficient for where i live). Having children is to sign up for stress, anxiety, depression, etc. to at least some degree. 

The grass is never greener on the other side. 

I dont know what life would be like without her because shes here. And I wouldnt want a world without her. Even if i regret how/when/with whom i brought her into this world., You could ask this same question on a general parenting group and you would find the same varied replies. Not all autistic kids are the same with support needs and not all parents and sibling dynamics are the same. People are going to have drastically different experiences. Also, most people who are happy don’t go posting about being so happy. So you are only going to see venting. I would say the answer is it’s highly dependent on your personality, your kid, financial resources for help, a village to help, etc., Honestly, this is the wrong few weeks to ask me this. So as of right now? no 

There are *things* that make me happy, but on the whole? No., Apologies, I’m about to be the outlier here. And sorry this is long! 

At the moment, no, I’m not happy. My husband and I are pretty stressed out and have been since our daughter was born five years ago. She was only one when the pandemic started so we had the added stressor of trying to keep the baby and ourselves from catching covid. She would have gotten diagnosed earlier if not for the pandemic (for a variety of reasons, including *we had no idea that her behavior wasn’t typical* until she was about three years old, because we were pretty isolated, because stupid pandemic). We thought it was just the terrible twos until we saw what NT three year olds were like and realized something was off. 

We might be in a happier place now if Covid hadn’t happened, ha. The irony is that with pandemic plus a very needy baby at the time, we decided not to have any more kids…but our kid would probably do well with a younger sibling, and it would take some of the pressure off us to have to play with her all the time. 

As of now we can’t go out to eat at restaurants or do normal family things because our kid is kind of a nightmare when I’m around. Pretty sure she masks around everyone who isn’t me, so I see all the less than stellar behavior. She and her dad can go out and do stuff. She and I can’t. She runs away from me, doesn’t listen, screams at me, etc. ABA helps somewhat but not enough that we can do typical family things. 

My advice on having a kid: you should only have one if you absolutely want to!! I 100 percent wanted a child, had IVF to have her, and it’s currently not going as I had hoped (and that’s an understatement). I do have hope for the future, having read others’ stories here about their kids mellowing out as they get older.

You never, ever know what you’re going to get with a child. Having one is such a crapshoot. Usually it turns out okay. Sometimes it doesn’t. You have to be prepared for the unknown and okay with things not turning out how you hoped., My kid is the sweetest kid ever and my favorite person in the entire world. He makes me want to live forever to be there for him. My unhappiness is due to my own mental health, I probably should not have become a mom until I got that in check, but I am, and I have to be better for him., i’m really happy, but my daughter is also low support needs and really only struggles with social skills and is still quite far behind verbally. she’s naturally pleasant and easy going, and she doesn’t display any “extreme” behaviours, so this is probably contributing to my level of happiness. i am sure i would be absolutely crazy about her no matter her level of support needs, but we definitely have it pretty easy when it comes to parenting an autistic child., My son is 5 years old, level 3, and nonverbal. He's the love of my life and I'm extremely happy. I would do anything for him. Realizing that he was autistic finally made me apply myself, I now have a job with good insurance that pays for his ABA at 90% (plus HSA funds for the rest). I've earned two degrees in order to switch careers because I know he'll have high needs throughout his lifetime. That being said, of course the isolation, destructive behaviors, sleep disturbances, and communication difficulties add stress on top of having plenty of stressors in my life already. I do have to vent sometimes, being a parent of a child with his needs isn't for the faint of heart. I don't know anyone IRL who would understand what I'm going through so sometimes I have to whine online., So I can say as a parent of a Kid that has Level 1 and Auditory Processing Disorder.  I wouldn't want him to have kids.  The likely hood that his children would have Level 2 or Level 3 is highly likely.  He's got it bad enough i couldn't imagine having children knowing that they would have it harder than you.  I just don't think it's worth it and it's not fair to the child., The experiences are going to vary widely, but I think the most important thing here is that you are trying to find any sliver of hope to convince yourself to have kids. I think you were clear in your other thread that your boyfriend is the primary motivation behind this. 


I'll be blunt: even now, women tend to do the lion's share of childrearing and housekeeping. In a divorce, fathers tend to fare better than mothers, even years down the line. If you have a disabled child, there's a very real possibility it will impact your ability to work. About 50% of us can't work, myself included. 


These are very real, serious things you need to think about. 


I will be taking care of my children forever, of that there's no doubt. Had I known my husband was autistic, had I suspected I was, we wouldn't have had children. 


Because - it's not fair to bring a child into the world who will always depend on you. It just isn't. If we lived in an ideal world where public education was actually funded and many of us didn't have to homeschool, if group homes were adequately staffed and funded, etc., it would be a different story. But what we're seeing now will still probably be a battle decades from now.  


I love my kids. We have happy moments. My 9 year old can now do a lot more, but he will always need help. But my youngest will be 7 this year and it's becoming increasingly obvious how much more severe his autism is. He's leashed everywhere we go and we don't live a normal life with him. 


I am isolated a lot. It has absolutely taken a toll on my marriage. We spend some evenings together after the kids are in bed, but as the youngest gets up and down, there's always interruptions. We don't have a baby-sitter. 


I have good relationships with my kids - but make no mistake, there is no ""me"" anymore. I have about 7-10 hours a week to myself. That includes showering time. 


This is a very hard life. It'll probably impact you more than a boyfriend or husband. Think long and hard. , I’m definitely happy. My daughter is 20 and nonverbal. She is the happiest and sweetest person alive. It’s not without struggle of course. She’ll never be independent and I’m caretaking far longer than I would have ever imagined. Still I feel so grateful for her. She’s such an innocent and gentle soul. I can’t imagine having missed out on her. I take her out to fine dining places routinely and last year she went to her first live concert and to Disney World. All this took work over years to get here, but sharing these moments with her finally is an indescribable joy. 

That said, we have considerable privilege in that I work from home and my career pays very well. Money is not a concern. Im healthy and young. 

I’m entirely self made and a single parent so I also know the other side of it. This life is easier when you have resources and support and no other significant stressors. But I would say the same thing of having children in general. There just are no guarantees. Typical kids can be physically ill, malicious, destructive, unlikeable, violent or any number of other things., The hardest part about parenting to me is not having any family support. My kids, one is autistic and the other probably neurodivergent in other ways (in the process of evaluating him), are actually quite amazing. Yes, there are hard phases and moments. My hardest moment so far has been the transition to elementary school because my autistic son struggled to regulate his emotions when things got difficult for him. Now that we adjusted his IEP, he enjoys school. 

But I’ve never spent more that a couple nights away from my kids and they’ve never gone a night away from being with me or their dad. The few times they’ve been away from me was when I couldn’t go to my in laws house out of stateso they left with their dad (my hubby). So that part has been hard too, family doesn’t really help daily. They don’t offer sleepovers and my mom always made excuses about it, until I just stopped asking., I am autistic and a parent. I am beyond happy. Most of my life I was so depressed and anxious and burnt out. My husband and my kids changed and saved my life. Still tired but my husband is an awesome stay at home dad retired from the military I work swing shifts 5 nights a week. We have an awesome relationship we had kids after 10 years together. We have one child with ASD and one NT. 18 months away from the youngest starting school and then we will have school days together to ourselves, No. The intense stress is literally killing me. My health keeps deteriorating in new and fun ways, I never know what’s next., My wife and I are both professionals with advanced degrees. Our son was born back in 2017 and he's the sweetest boy you'll ever meet. We decided having additional bio children wasn't for us just because of how hard the pregnancy was. In July we adopted a baby girl.

My son got a tonsillectomy today and has spent the past 3 hours post-op screaming at us and not drinking.

Do I wish certain things were easier (for him and for me)? Of course. Anyone who says ""they wouldn't change a thing"" is painting that overly rosy picture to try and convince themselves. But there has not been a single day in his life that I have ever wished he wasn't here.

Your question tho was ""are you happy with your lives?"". Having a neurodivervent child is harder on your marriage, your personal life and your work life. But I am absolutely happy with my life. My answer would probably be different if I had to stay home all day as the primary care taker because I've found I need to work if even for my own sanity and feeling of self-worth. 

Whether it's something you'd be happy with is ultimately up to you, but I genuinely wish you the best of luck and thank you for your post. Seeing adults with autism having these kinds of debates give everyone of us grinding daily tasks that are harder than they should be hope for their future., I’m happy sometimes?  And not happy other times?  At this point, it’s not really because of the kids, though young children are A LOT, regardless of neurotype. 

Really, I would say I am satisfied and content. If I didn’t have kids I could not have fun infodumping about Pokemon with them and watching them see things I love to do for the first time with happy excitement. It’s really cool. But they’re still people. And so you have to be realistic., I have a very close relationship with my son, he cried so much as a baby and I found inventive ways to soothe him and therefore we developed such a close bond. He’s very cuddly and loving. We do most of the things NT families do, dinners vacations, parks, hikes. We just put probably a little more planning into it than NT families, making sure they have food that he likes, things like that, plan b for I’d things don’t work out. Stuff like that. It’s gotten easier as he’s gotten older and more mature. He’s also very funny and artistic. I don’t thinks I’d change a thing. I have NT kids too and they all have their own challenges that make parenting hard too. I don’t think having NT kids guarantees smooth sailing either. If anything I worry less about his problems with academia and behaviors because I understand him ajd his struggles more than NT kids who just lack motivation or are acting out., No. I have moments of happiness but they’re always tinged with sadness., "" I want to want a kid so badly.""

You don't want kids! You should tell your boyfriend that in very clear terms. Don't have kids because you think you should. 

I have three kids I always wanted to badly and I'm still drained and resentful a lot of the time. Even neurotypical kids are SO MUCH WORK. I'm not minimizing how much work it is to have an autistic kid - but neurotypical kids still don't sleep through the night, go on food strike, poop their pants, throw a huge tantrum about an iPad, etc. It's so tiring even on good days and I can't imagine doing this if it wasn't something I wanted deeply., I am absolutely happy with my life. My autistic kid is actually my easier one! My frustrations are with the world and how it fails to accommodate him — not my kid who is a total delight and surprises me all the time., Nope. 35 m with a son with ASD and likely ADHD and another son who seems to have avoided both. Constantly burned out, overstressed, irritable. Love my kids, and we're doing our best, but happiness feels a long way off., Yes overall.  Most of things I find hardest about our life are more to do with my son’s comorbidities like his epilepsy and disability.  My boy is generally a sweet easy going boy who loves cuddles and tries his best (well most of the time lol).  We also have a typical 3 year old and that is part of our happiness because we can do a  lot of things we envisioned with her and sometimes our boy is able join.  Do I wish things were different with him? Yes, but that doesn’t mean I regret having him.  I love him.  I like him as a little person.  I don’t mind this alternate path a lot of the time., I have a really hard time keeping my house clean but honestly that’s my biggest complaint so I think we are doing AOk and I’m very happy! Our daughter is really flourishing this year - she’s 7 and she just starting wanting to have conversations, she ditched her headphones and has been dressing herself and we’ve had zero accidents! There’s definitely really hard periods but that is life in general, sometimes it sucks, sometimes it’s wonderful lol, I mean, I’m not depressed. Do I wish things were different, yes. But I’m not necessarily unhappy., I have 2 kids, 4 and 2; my 4 year old was diagnosed with autism about a year ago. He’s verbal and “high functioning”, but there are still things we have to work on and cause stress. I’m in my early 40’s, female, and while not diagnosed, I (and my parents) suspect I’m on the spectrum. My son’s temperament, the way his autism presents is so similar to me as a small child. My whole life has felt like a struggle; relationships, work/career specifically, my mental health. I still struggle a lot of with anxiety and depression and was terrified to have children but wanted them so I gave it a shot (made me anxious, I can’t lie). I can say without a doubt motherhood is the best thing that ever happened to me. It’s not easy all the time, but they, these two little humans and their personalities, bring me more joy and happiness than anything life has ever brought me. It feels like a gift to be a parent, in my experience. Many days are hard, I’m a full time working mother so scrambling to meet deadlines while getting my son to appts, ABA, etc, is rough, but my husband is very hands on and other family members nearby have been a support system for us. I know not everyone has that but it is a huge help., Not just that your child could be autistic also consider how you as an autistic would handle any child regardless of neurotype. Kids are an around the clock job. They are loud, they are messy, they need attention even if you are in burnout. They make noise when you need some quiet. They have smells and messy diapers. There’s 0 days of bed rotting allowed and you have way more pressure to be organized and put together and everything cleaned and remember stuff like their appts and school things etc. It’s alotttttttt….

Comparison is the thief of joy. I try not to think what my friends with NT kids are doing because their reality is diff. Their kids are eating a variety of food, they’re not hitting themselves in the head, they’re not melting down over basic things, they’re not in some autonomy struggle where a time out or counting to 3 isn’t effective at stopping negative behavior. And it is isolating to not have people to talk to that don’t offer useless suggestions because they don’t understand., Hi, turns out my husband and I are both on the spectrum, we went into it thinking it was just him (adhd was my dx)

There are hard parts, for sure. I can't say how your experience will be. I can tell you my children are happy, and most weeks so are we. We can go to festivals on the lake, big outdoor concerts, a whole bunch of things. We can't go to a indoor restaurant as a family, the din is too much.
 It's stuff like that; you just have to plan around yourselves and your kids. My kids might have different needs than yours. But I just wanted to chime in and say it can be fun, happy, and rewarding. 

My husband almost never smiled. He didn't really get into much that wasn't his interests. I can't explain to you the joy our children have shown on his face and in his day to day. It's crazy sweet to witness.

That said; agree with other comments. If you don't want kids please don't feel pressured. You get what you get and they need from you in a way that can be hard to manage., I wouldn't change my life for anything. My children give me purpose.
Yes, I'm overwhelmed, so so overwhelmed and burnt out but I love being a parent and I love their quirks and watching them both stim.
I just hope it gets easier managing 2 autistic children who have totally different needs.
I don't have a village to help me, I do 99% alone apart from school. The oldest doesn't sleep good.

If you are unsure about kids then don't let anyone try and talk you into it. Consider what you'd be giving up, make sure your partner is good with kids and especially clued up on potentially having an autistic child (or more than one).
Talk about how you'd raise the child, what values and ideals you want to teach them, parenting goals etc.
The mental load is also something to consider. Does your partner contribute to that now? Because if not it only gets worse when you have children.
I separated before my 2nd was even born because I wouldn't settle for a deadbeat., Firstly- I 1000% agree with prior post. If you don’t have a deep yearning for children, don’t have them. 
Second- my life has many happy moments. It also has many moments of despair. There are times when I feel weighed down by a thousand responsibilities. 
Third- don’t have kids unless you are 100% ready to deal with the consequences of a very low functioning child. My husband and I both know autistic kids from prior relationships. We both love our sons desperately, but it’s not a life I would volunteer for anyone. 
Fourth- it doesn’t end at 18. Are you willing to have a life often dictated by what your child can do? Are you prepared for the financial consequences?

If I had known beforehand that I would have an autistic child, then I would have adopted. I love my son, and that is part of the problem. I can’t protect him from the world. I can only support him. His life will always be a struggle, and that is not a life I would choose for a child, I'm very happy with my life. I was dx with autism the same time as my son. He is my world, and I love him so much that I'm having another in June. I don't even think about our dx most of the time. It's just a part of who we are. My family does better at life than most neurotypical people, so who the hell is anyone to judge me for living my best life?, I'm happy! I had and have problems and stressors, but none of it has outweighed my natural optimism and all the great things my life. And for the past three years, my daughter has been a big part of (both parts of) that. 

Is it a lot of work to keep up on all her therapies? You betcha. But all kids are a lot of work, so that was a given going into this. I have an extra workload, but I was never going to not be busy and tired as a late 40s single parent. 

Do I worry about her future? Absolutely. But I'm also very aware that I have it easier than most - she's very chill, fairly adaptive, and very smart. Happy and bouncing all around like a gummi bear. And once I knew she had receptive language, I was able to unclench. If she's never truly verbal (which her therapists do think she will be), we'll figure it out. She gets her messages across very clearly right now (and I'm basically deaf to body language or gestures, so she has to be broadcasting VERY LOUDLY), and we haven't even gotten to writing or an AAC yet. 

This weekend, we're heading off to Mexico on vacation for two weeks. Last year we went to Disney World. We don't get out nearly enough in general, but that's me being a lazy hermit, not her not wanting to. We go to the playground. The Please Touch Museum. Local fairs and theme parks. Play in the snow. There are places I can't take her (indoor malls, mostly), and things she can't do (fireworks, for instance, or parades). and places that used to be hard to take her but aren't anymore (out for meals springs to mind), but that doesn't mean we're trapped at home., Not happy. Don't have kids., Yes. While kids may be harder some days than others, we live a very peaceful, happy life as a family unit. Both hubby and I find time to pursue our hobbies and even do date nights once a month.

That said, 3-4 were really the hell years for our oldest, and things were bleak at that point., I am incredibly happy. 3 kids, 2 with autism, and a husband that works away from home all week long. It’s hard, sometimes I feel like I’m going to lose my mind, but I wouldn’t change a single thing., I have two autistic kids, one of which also has ADHD. I'm diagnosed ADHD and suspect autistic as well.  Our lives are good.  We do have some challenges that NT families don't, but the way I see it, all families will have different challenges. We do things that work for our family.  Sometimes that means skipping experiences, or different methods of doing things, or needing extra support, and that's OK.  I wouldn't trade my kids for the world. I have posted about struggles in harder times, but it's not that I resent or regret my kids, it's that I know there are people who will understand without judgment., My happiness (joy) does not come from having my children or their fluctuating levels of difficulty. Don't get me wrong - I greatly enjoy my children and I also face many frustrating circumstances with them too. They are a huge source of joy and love in my life, and I'd like to think more so than a source of heartache and frustration.

But I went many years without knowing two of my children and myself are likely on the spectrum (we are not professionally diagnosed yet) and while it's been very helpful in developing patience, understanding, and grace - both with myself and my kids - it has not been the make-or-break factor in determining how my life is going to go. 

Much of the big changes to living a happier, healthier life have been spiritual for me. I know not everyone will agree with me and that's okay. You don't have to. My greatest source of joy is my relationship with Jesus Christ. Everything has gotten better and easier to handle once I trusted in Him. It has put us in contact with mentors and people that are like family to us that are guiding us on this journey (and they have ASD kids and relatives too!).

A lot of this growth has come with mindset changes and getting rid of old beliefs I used to have about children/families that came from trauma and from growing up in a rather toxic household. (We are NC now and I have never had more peace!) Tackling these issues head on has relieved a lot of the anxiety and stress I used to have around managing kids, a house, a marriage, homeschooling, etc. The last 2 or 3 years have been the best I've ever had, and I can finally hope and believe that things are going to get even better for us still. 

But ultimately it's been a choice. Sure, there will be difficult days, stressful days, but also happy days and days to celebrate. I cannot and will not push you one way or the other about having children - that's your decision. Whatever you decide, will you choose to look for the positive or the negative in life? Because your joy will not be found *only* in children or parenting.,  I had no idea I was autistic and now I have 3 very young autistic kids. The stigmatization is very difficult and the constant advocating, standing up for your kids and proving people about your kids are exhausting. I got much more criticism from families than strangers which is very hard. I am lucky my kids appear to be level 1-2 I guess. My older son is pretty darn rigid especially at evenings but other than that he is fine., I’m happy but I do feel I’d be happier if I could communicate and connect with him more. That’s my answer., We seem to oscillate between look at us with our collective shit together and there’s been no aggressions, no one has gotten crab pinched, everyone is CHILL. Then there are times I pick him up from his dad and he bashes his head into the closed car window and usually once I get onto i95, he will unbuckle his restraints and come for my neck quite literally. My son is non speaking, but I feel I fulfill his wants and needs. He is as quick to respond in a loving manner with hugs and kisses as he is to hurt me, or his younger brother. We are his two targets when he is upset. I have remarried, years ago. My husband and son have a very special bond and my husband also just naturally has more patience than I do. He also has four of his own children with his ex wife. The man has experience. My ex husband and his wife have a bad habit of leaving our son out of family gatherings and parties. I can understand going to unfamiliar places with unfamiliar faces. But we take him to gatherings. The pool. The zoo. The park. It’s difficult though since he loves all of those places, I look like a kidnapper trying to get him to leave. 

I love my boys. I love all six of these kids. He does add a level of trickiness to things we do. We have to be vigilant as he will cut and run. I feel like since we share custody, we get a “break”. My youngest son, who as I said is a target oftentimes, does not get a break from his brother. There’s a lot of anger surrounding that. My youngest is in therapy on his own and also we do family work together. 

Some days are better than others. Sometimes I have to go hour by hour. It’s the nature of the beast. Plus he’s almost 14. Imagine being a 14 year old boy and going through puberty and feeling so confused. We explain but I honestly and say what he retains and processes. 

Don’t get depressed over what could possibly be, you’d never get very far. There’s so many variable in parenting and having a family that meshes well. It’s impossible to plan for everything. If you’re thinking this deeply about it, you’re already aware of what COULD happen. When I close my eyes and think of my Parker, I mostly see a giggly goofer with floppy hair that just wants a tickle and some seltzer water. That’s a pretty picture for me to have in my mind., You don’t.  If you do not want kids then you don’t want kids.  If he does then you two have a major incompatibility and likely need to move on to other partners who share the same life goals.   He will resent you eventually for not wanting kids and if you decide to appease him then you may resent him for pressuring you.    I know parents of neurotypical kids that are unhappy and I know parents of autistic kids who are happy with their children.   My ex has 2 autistic girls and is very happy with them.    I find my son to be challenging but not the reason for my unhappiness.  If anything he is the reason I left a horrific relationship my life may not be what I had envisioned for myself but it’s soo much better than it was before., I get told all the time what a dear my autistic child is.  He is smart (reading at 3) , social (have to rein him in) and loves to compliment people.   What I’m unhappy with has nothing to do with him.  He is my joy., Hell yeah I’m happy, Having a NT son first, before my NueroSpicy younger son ended up helping me understand this question. 
I only have boys, but BOTH of them are equally hard., >But are there any parts of your life that are genuinely good.

There are some good parts, yes. Overall I am not happy but that doesn't mean it's ALL bad.

>Are you able to do any of the normal and fun things that neurotypical families do?

Some things, yes. My autistic child is able to handle some activities really well. Strangely, she did amazing at Disneyland lol. She enjoys being in nature so we do a lot of hiking and camping. But other ""normal"" things like eating at a restaurant is usually a no-go.

>Do you have a good relationship with your child and your spouse?

I have a good relationship with each of my children. They have their moments where it's all about dad and they don't want me, but for the most part yes. My spouse is another story, though. Our relationship has definitely suffered since having children.

>Are you ever not burnt out depressed irritable and overstimulated? 

I have brief moments where I'm not irritable and overstimulated but that describes probably 90% of my life., It's ok to not want kids if you don't want them , it's your life . Live it how you want . 
I have a son with Autism and I can't lie at one point I wasn't sure if I could carry on because he was really aggressive and hurting me . BUT that was partly my fault , he can't talk but I wasn't listening . We forget there's a hundred ways to communicate. Once I learnt to watch his cues and listen to him he calmed down so much. He's so much more affectionate and he's happy ! I'm happy ! I love my life now and we work together . I just don't do things with him that other kids do but that's ok . I hated going to the park as a kid and kicking a ball and as someone without autism I love being at home and hate going out so for us we connect haha 
Once you realise that there are so many things you can do that makes you both happy ie we love spinning and chasing each other , love bouncing then you can find things together . But you have to work at that ., My (now 9 year old) daughter is the very best ‘thing’ that has ever happened to me.  She is the light of my life and the joy of my heart.  I’m so amazed by how thoughtful, kind, silly, and sweet she is!  

I’m so thankful every single day for her.  It took us over a decade of trying to be able to have her (on my second cycle of IUI at a fertility clinic).  Life is really hard and messy and beautiful.  She makes me want to be better and do better.  It’s a rocky road but it’s getting better through a lot of hard work.  
Anything worth having is worth working for.

I highly recommend working on your own mental health and your relationship before you try for kids.  Once you have children, everything changes, and it’s much harder to manage self-care.  If either of you have childhood trauma, please address it asap as it is really triggered when you have your own children., It's ok to not want kids. My 3 year old is level 2 and if he makes the choice as someone who's autistic not to have children I'll 100% support him. But as for your question I'm very happy to be the mother of an autistic child and as far as we know a NT child(he's only 4 weeks old). Of course it can be hard especially because I'm bipolar so I get a little wonky at times but I find my life with children very fulfilling but yes over stimulating more so when the toddler and baby are crying at the same time., What does it mean to be happy to you?, I am the parent of a young child (6m). My stress is not to do with my child per se, but rather the frustration of trying to suss out services/resources. 

One thing I have learned in life is that everything is a matter of outlook. I came to parenthood relatively late in life(early 40s). In my 20s I focused a lot on the negative things that happened in my sphere of existence. I was not ready to be a parent then. Somewhere around 29 I realized that s**t happens to everyone. It is just a matter of whether or not one allows that mess to be the focus of the rest of one’s day. It was eye-opening and definitely worked to reset my approach to daily living. I didn’t become a different person, but I did work to be less triggered by things I could not control. 

There came a time in my 30s when a kind of calm just settled over me about becoming a parent and it felt absolutely cosmically right to have a child. I am supremely grateful that I get to discover the world through his eyes and also that I get to help him learn to develop the tools to deal with the world around him. You, OP, may be in an even better place to help your child because unlike me you are also on the spectrum. 

Is it challenging? Hell yes, but the majority of what makes me frustrated comes from external issues, such as the lack of coordination with respect to available resources and the fact that there is no one place to find them.  

You never know who your child is going to be personality-wise, regardless of their place on the spectrum. You could have a typical child that challenges you more than any other child might. You could have a child on the spectrum that is amazingly easy personality-wise., No. Always tired, have had to give up pretty much everything that gives me joy because of lack of childcare, about to have to lose a career I worked hard to build (and is the last thing I enjoy as everything else has been stripped off me) as child can’t go to school, plus all the battles with institutions that should be helping but are not - even after a good fight.
Life is just more of the same frustrations, getting through each day knowing tomorrow will be the same - or worse. The constant threat of poverty due to the lack of appropriate resources to my child and my likely inability to work in the near future because of that. 
The very little engagement I get back from my child after all that. 
It’s lonely and it’s tiring., I haven’t been genuinely happy in years. I can’t remember what joy feels like. I don’t think I can even feel my soul anymore. Sorry it’s bleak!, I’m a “high functioning” autistic woman, with a 6 year old low functioning, non verbal daughter. Her father abandoned us after being ingolved for five years of her life -he was the one who wanted to get me pregnant and manipulated me into avoiding abortion- , he doesn’t pay child support and left me to be the default parent (as always, only this time is worse because I’m almost all alone). My life is hell everyday, and I wish I was dead most of the time., I am AuDHD with two AuDHD children and I would say that I am happy. I’ve always struggled with anxiety and depression and have a massive amount of past trauma, but I’m as “happy” as I have ever been. This life is hard though. Being a parent is overwhelming most of the time but also very rewarding. However, I always knew I wanted kids. Even though it is a very hard life, I couldn’t imagine not having kids. But if you aren’t 100% sure you want kids, don’t have them. If you don’t have a deep longing to have children and feel like your life isn’t complete without them, don’t do it. Being a parent is a 24/7 commitment for 18 years and doesn’t just end at 18. I didn’t know I was AuDHD when I had kids. I’m overstimulated and exhausted basically all the time. I love them dearly though and do the best I can for us all. I would lay down my life for my kids in a heartbeat but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel like I’m about to lose my mind at any given moment. One warning I can give you though, don’t count on having any help. Your bf may be a great person, but 98% of fathers don’t provide half the childcare or emotional support, not to mention the cleaning and running the household. If you decide to go through with having children, don’t do it unless you are prepared to be the primary parent with no support. Mothers often can’t count on family or friends to help either. I moderated a mom support group and the horror stories I read would give you nightmares., im happy for the most part but i think if i had another child, who most likely would be autistic, id lose it and feel regret. my son is only 3 years old and we’ve had a lot of hard moments. its been a real journey navigating this life with an autistic child that the thought of going through it all again makes me already regret it lol. If you don’t want any children, listen to yourself. In the end, moms carry the heavier load of parenting (i know not always but usually) and it can really take a toll on you. i’m pretty sure i’m autistic as well and if i would’ve known before, i wouldn’t have gotten pregnant. I love my son but I think my mind/body can only handle him., I looked at your other post and I think all of your worries are valid. It's hard. It's really really hard to be neurodivergant with neurodivergant kids, but it is doable. I would suggest ensuring you have all of these items in place before having children: 1) a really strong supportive long lasting relationship with someone who understands neurodiversity and is able to support you during tough times 2) other support people and services like housecleaning, babysitting, therapy etc 3) lots of money so you don't have to work crazy hours outside of the home AND parent 4) healthy coping methods like art, music, whatever 5) access to services for early intervention (if needed) for your child., Very happy. Also very appreciative of having a ND child. Has made me a better and more caring, compassionate person, I am truly happy with my life. My 5 year old is autistic and every day she wakes up I tell her I’m so happy to be her mama. We have our challenges but I’m happy and so is my family., It depends on the day. As of late things have been shit as my son has been having self injury screaming fits for bedtime. Both my husband and I tag team restraining him. It really fucking sucks. If it gets worse, we’ll have to call an ambulance to take him somewhere., What really torments me, is knowing that I'm going to die and leave my autistic child behind. He has a lot of capability, but I don't think he'll ever be *completely* independent. Other than that, I think I'm pretty happy. I have a wonderful husband, and we're financially secure enough to easily afford anything we need. 

My son is pretty happy, loves school, laughing, cuddling, etc. He is a lot of work, but he also makes me very happy (as does his NT sister)., Not happy. If I could go back I wouldn’t have had children., I love my life- i have two kids with ASD. There’s a lot of appointments and therapies which is hard but worth it. And a lot of late nights. My husband seems neurodivergent (and by that I mean undiagnosed) and understands our oldest way better and can better anticipate her needs in a helpful way (just as an example- counting down as I brush her hair because “she just needs to know it’s going to be over” and he was right that helps her a lot) I think being a parent is hard and all parents feel pressure to be a perfect parent and maybe that’s more intense when you have kids with different needs especially because you see all these therapists and specialists. 

Everyone is slipping on a banana peel away from a disability- which I mean anyone could develop a disability at anytime and life is unpredictable so I wouldn’t let that hold you back because nothing is guaranteed anyway- even for neurotypical kids. Some people are neurotypical and easy to raise- but still grow up to be jerks. Every person born is a chance to make the world a better place. And if you decide it’s not for you that is totally ok too- there are lots of ways to share that love in your heart without having a child., Very happy! With added disclaimer that I think we have it pretty easy with my 3yo.  Harder than my friends with NT kids. But much easier than many of the parents here in this community. And that certainly affects the experience.

He’s got a few words, getting more, though inconsistent. He doesn’t have trouble telling us what he wants (body language + vibes lol). The harder part is his very limited receptive language. But hey, he has some now and a year ago it was literally zero, so progress.

He is snuggly and affectionate. Silly and sweet. He also pinches and bites me at times (I’ve got some battle scars). And tests limits allllllllll the time.

But being his mom is a joy. It’s tiring and I get overstimulated. But we are one and done, so we can tag out to recharge when needed.  

Which is a key reason I can come here and say I’m happy, and mean it., Yes, I am. Even though my 3yo is autistic I feel I got really lucky with most things. She doesn’t have many behaviors, she sleeps through the night, we can easily engage with her. She’s nonverbal but she has her ways of telling us what she wants/needs. I also have older kids 7yo & 9yo and she doesn’t play with them much but she can tolerate being around them without getting upset that someone is in her space. I thank God for her, she’s saved me in more ways than one and made me look at life in a whole new perspective 🩷, If your sole pursuit in life is to be ""happy,"" you'll be a prisoner of this chase forever.  Raising kids in general is a tough business.  There are so many factors out of your control it's a miracle that they can make it so far, with all the help and village (or lack thereof) to raise them.  It's all about perspective; there will be good times, bad times, ugly times and hard times.  This is regardless of whether your kids is neuro divergent with ASD or any other health/mental/genetic abnormalities.  You have to take a leap of faith and understand your child may or may not be who you thought they're going to be.  For many parents with kids that have ASD diagnosis, it's not about finding the typical happiness of rearing a child, but finding deeper meaning in hopes of preparing their kids for a future that they deserve despite having their disability.  Good luck and I hope you the best in whatever you decide., I love my children with all of my heart, might, mind, and soul. My 9 year old is ND and my 6 year old is NT. My NT kid is just as hard if not harder than my ND kid. And Yes I am happy. Not content but happy. It gets easier as they get older. Not easy, but easier and helping them figure out life and what works is the best and when something clicks for them, oh my gosh. I love when he figures things out. Sometimes he will write notes and it’s like wow you are listening and learning and they are such happy parent moments. He’s the best kid ever (I’m absolutely biased.) and I wouldn’t change our journey because it’s make me, him, his sister and his father better people. We have learned so much on this journey. I love my life. I really do., I often do this thing where I time travel in my head, try to meet my partner earlier, go into a different career, avoid bad experiences or horrible people but every single time I abandon the daydream - because even in a make believe moment I don't want to jeopardise anything via butterfly effect that would stop her coming to me, *exactly* as she is., I will agree with the comments saying don't have kids unless you want them. SERIOUSLY!?! I sometimes think the boomers didn't want children, but they did so because they were supposed to..."" they seem like they hated having children.  I digress. 

In all seriousness,  I wanted children since I was an adult.  I am autistic and my oldest (5) is autistic.  My youngest is very different from my oldest, and we're not seeing any of the signs we saw with the older one of autism. We'll see as she gets older. 

I've never questioned the difficulties and whether or not it's worth it.  I am fulfilled most days,  even though it's tough.  It's easy to complain and vent about the hard stuff.  My oldest had an upset stomach on the drive home from school today and was screaming in the car.  I wanted to start screaming myself from her ear piercing screams.  But then I remember that my parents were quick to anger and quick to violence,  and I'm suddenly happy that my daughters get to grow up in a home where they feel like they belong and are loved and accepted as they are. 

Yes,  I'm trying to give them a life I didn't have,  but I also love the things we do together. We go camping,  we learn stuff together,  I share my experiences, and, although the older one doesn't say it very often,  I know she loves me and nothing even comes close to that feeling. The youngest is in a daddy phase and I can't get enough.  Even if she wants me in the middle of the night or when I don't have much in the tank.

It's hard to imagine a world where you are a slave to their every need,  but once you're in it,  the world you used to live in sewms a little less exciting. I do miss some of the freedom, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. I love it. 

But remember,  if you choose to have kids,  you commit.  There's no going back.  Once you're in it,  you're in it for life. Dive head first and don't look back., This is a bit philosophical, so bear with me, but happiness is relative. Happiness is not the goal to achieve in the end. Happiness is the journey. 
One can choose to be happy no matter the circumstances, and there is joy in little things. You can have the perfect life but still be unhappy, and you can have nothing and yet be happy.

I love my autistic child more than anything, and yet I struggle sometimes, even cry, but I wouldn't change my life, not one bit. I enjoy every moment, no matter if it breaks my back. 

I share this thought knowing that it all sounds a bit holier than thou, and it's not something people who are struggling want to hear, but I know there are parents here who think the same way. This is also something I learned at a young age, but it takes a lifetime to really imbibe it and make it a part of your core.
So, to answer your question, yes, there are people here who are truly happy. There are people with neurotypical kids who are the definition of unhappy. It's all a matter of perspective., I am but my son is still small so I worry about the future. I’m currently pregnant with my second., Just something to keep in mind is your child might have much higher support needs than you do. So make sure you have a lot of support. 

Also I think being am autistic parent is harder in general whether your kid is NT or ND just because of the sensory overload etc 

Do what's feels right for you! The spectrum is so wide, people will have vastly different experiences., Hmmmm. While I am happy, Im in the stage of my life where it is getting kinda easy, but slowly.

Our son is 2, almost 2.5. Progressively getting better! We are extremely proud of his progress, however it is hard. The tantrums, the stimming, not being able to successfully communicate, texture and feeding issues, and his lack of social skills.

Aside from those, I can say we take our son to many child filled events. And my kid sticks out like a sore thumb, to me. To any other parent he’s a cute 2 year old, but we know where he falls short so when he is around kids his age it is noticeably sad for us. We want better for him always, but it is hard to not compare, or wonder how life would be. 

I think as a parent of an autistic kid, you have to really remember the spectrum is different for every kid. Your struggles may not be my struggle, but it does get easier. It just takes time. 

My son did a 180 from last year, to this year and boy has it made life easier in many ways. Still challenges, but hey… progress is progress.

Goodluck, Content and generally happy, Yes - but not blissfully so - we are not Facebook/insta perfect in my household - haha. My SN child is my youngest of 4. Honestly, I can say each kid has their own annoyances and difficult behaviors depending on their stage in life. Sometimes all the kids are difficult all at the same time (or frustrating) and sometimes everyone is okay for a bit, with every combination between. We been at this parenting stage for long time now - our oldest is in college and we just started SN/integrated preschool in the fall for the youngest. 

Some days are dreadful and take everything in us just to make it to the end of a day (or when the day ends after every both of the sometimes insomniac littles finally falls sleep at 5-8am - Finally!! ). And some days are much easier than others, there may be less arguments that day and I just might see the special bond building between the kids, or my almost verbal youngest kid learns a new phrase and those days are when I feel like I'm rocking parenting and my heart just sails. 

My husband and I talk a lot about what if we hadn't had the last 2 kids ( one NT , one SN) and we always agree, we couldn't imaging our lives without them exactly as they are. Yes, I wish their lives would be easier to live through (especially the SN kiddo) but I wouldn't give them up or trade them for an ""easier kid"". We encourage special interests and try to make decisions for each kid based on what is best for them that year regarding schooling and activities. Be weird and unique and learn to laugh at yourself before anyone else has the chance.
We use these mantras to encourage each other....
"" the days (and phases) are long, but the years are so short."" and 
""When you're going through hell the only way out is to put your head down and keep goin til your through to the other side""

It can suck  sometimes, but the good times get us through the bad times. It's life set on hard difficulty, but not impossible mode.

At the end of the day, I make myself pick one good thing to be grateful or happy for so that I can count it as a small win., If you’re aware and prepared to have them then why not? Teach them about mental health early on and educate them. It was only a problem for me because mental health wasn’t talked about with me and my siblings. Break the stigma and educate. You can have bpd and be a good parent with treatment and that being said my oldest is autistic but we suspect our 2nd baby isn’t because he doesn’t have muscle weakness like my first did and he’s already reaching every milestone he’s supposed to be doing. Sometimes mental health issues can skip generations so it’s not even a 100% guarantee each of your kids will have anything. I drew the unlucky straw and got my dads mental health issues but one of my sisters and my brother are mentally well. But in all fairness if my mom didn’t cause trauma and I knew about what I had then I think I would have been fine., I’m content. I’ve been pursuing happiness since long before I had my daughter, but it’s elusive no matter what your life circumstances are. I often thought I have it easier than parents of NT kids. She’s 17 now and it’s not all sunshine and roses, but I wouldn’t say I was unhappy., How old are you? Had i waited until i was in my 30s, i would probably be happy and able to handle a difficult child. I became a parent when i was just entering adulthood.  I was learning to be grown while being responsible for a new life., I'm extremely happy. I love my son dearly and I know he loves me., My answer may vary day to day—even on hard days I’m happy, and even on easy days I can fall into a black hole. But more often than not I feel happy. My daughter will always need help, the world won’t always be kind, but I feel love and give love to her. It’s a gift. But again, ask me tomorrow and I may feel sorry for myself, sorry for my kid, and pissed at the world., Hey mom of two with one ASD son and another that as of now seems to be NT (9 months so a bit early to tell). Autism as my husband and I discovered seems to run on his side and on mine we have a lot of anxiety/adhd. We are very lucky to have an overall easy and happy child and truthfully the luck and support seems to be what makes our life easier. We do have hard days where neither boy is happy or I’m overwhelmed or my husband is. But we make it work and we make time. We have a lot of very supportive family that is always able to watch the boys for us to go and be a couple and just get a break. We did have a hard with our son’s initial diagnosis, but since then we’ve learned to celebrate all of his accomplishments and advancement. We both love our boys very much and care for them, having had them willingly and consciously. Funnily enough our NT presenting child is actually who my husband has struggled with more. So I feel like everyone’s situation is different. We find joy in going out as a family and introducing our sons to new experiences but again all situations are unique since our son is pretty easy going and loves to try new things. At the end of the day I find that those that consistently regret children the most are the ones that had to convince themselves into having them. Children should be a choice that you make enthusiastically. Because it’s better to possibly regret not having had a child than regret having had one., If you would have asked me 2 years ago, I would have replied, "" Hell no! 1 star--would not recommend."" I would have gone back in time and talked myself into sterilization. We almost didn't survive. 

Things are better now, but I am still working through a lot of C-PTSD from the rough years. I still struggle to feel ""motherly"" towards my eldest (17M/lvl3/ in residential due to violence). The little dude (14/lvl3) is alright though. He has his meltdowns occasionally but nothing like his brother and we can handle it. Haven't had to call the cops once yet (for violence, that is...he is an eloper but we have him tagged now). 

I'm glad we made it, but the dark days were baaaad. I'm glad I didn't let the darkness win and end up on the evening news. 

If I knew what I was going to have to go through, then I probably wouldn't have been brave enough to do it. 

I'd be a lot richer too, but that's a minor consideration for me., Happy is an emotion that comes and goes with current factors.  Some days/seasons we’re far from happy. It’s miserable and it feels like we’re in endless darkness. 

Other moments bring unthinkable happiness…my little guy finally catching a specific species of fish he’s been reading about, or finding a giant sketchy snake, or sharing his extreme enthusiasm for Moby Dick.  


Overall, it’s tough. But God made our dude unique.  There are 9 billion people on earth and not one is like ours.  So after the meltdowns and punching and violence and social problems and broken furniture and etc… God wanted us to have him and we buckle up and do what we need to do., Am I happy with my life? YES! I absolutely love my kids. And I have an amazing, supportive spouse who is active in raising our kids. Is our life perfect? Do we get to do everything we want to do? Absolutely NOT. I gave up a lot of myself and hobbies even when my first kid was born and hes not diagnosedwith ASD. 

I used to be an avid snowboarder, some people take their kids at a young age but I didn't, my oldest was a lil slow on milestones but never flagged for autism. I used to camp a lot and go on long backpacking/camping hikes, camping with a little with ASD, not potty trained and prone to eloping would cause me more anxiety than it was worth. Hoping to start going on easy camps again in the future but haven't mustered up the courage yet. We used to go to comic-cons and large social events with our oldest but those things also became too much with a high needs kiddo who doesn't like crowds. I haven't been to see a movie in theaters since before my youngest was born either. 

Kids, whether ND or NT will cause your life to change. You might not be able to do some things you take for granted now. But I'm also quite anxious and over cautious in general. Having kids should be something you really want, and you should be prepared for your life to change regardless of whether they are NT or ND. Never let someone else pressure you into having kids. If you do, you could come to resent your potential kids and no kid deserves to grow up feeling unwanted. Life is hard enough as it is., Tired sometimes, but overall a very happy husband and father. My kid is a double rainbow baby. Two heart wrenching miscarriages before him. We really wanted a child, and we were blessed with a child during probably the roughest part of our marriage. But I swear since he was in the womb he’s been trolling us, and I mean that in a sincere “haha” way and not a bitter way. Parenting isn’t easy. Parenting a rambunctious, inquisitive, autistic 3 year old is probably more so. When I see parents of younger toddlers just walking in a parking lot with their kid just following them and not holding hands I always let out a “must be nice”. 

I’m very fortunate though. My kid rarely if ever melts down. He’s getting better every day with communicating. He goes to school and daycare so my wife and I are able to work full time and he seems to be doing well in that environment. As he gets older things may change but right now I am happy. He is a great kid., Life has challenges by itself, it does not matter if you have kids or not. I had my son until I was 37, because I did not want to have kids, but my husband did, we are separated now and I am with my kid.  Life :)
I was not totally happy without my kid, do not think that kids would make you happy or unhappy.
What is really important is that you be surrounded of a good group of people, that are there for you.  Identify things that you enjoy before kids, so when you feel that you need a me time being a mom, you just have this list of things and ideas that would help you.
Every decision has a new joys and responsibilities, that we were not use to.  If you buy a car you now have to remember to take it to service for oil change, now you can get a flat tire, save money for the gas, you have to clean it, and you can drive farther and see new things., Hi. I don't think you should have a child unless you really want one, otherwise it's very likely you might end up resentful which would be disastrous for both you and your child.

Also there's so many variables with raising someone neurodiverse whether you're neurodiverse or not (My husband was neurodiverse, I have some characteristics but I'm sort of borderline but my father and two of my siblings are most likely neurodiverse). I have four children. My oldest is turning 21 and is autistic (I'm not sure how levels work, but she has a lot of anxiety, is verbal and in college, then i have 17 year old triplets, one who has ADHD and emotional challenges, two boys who are autistic, one is similar to his sister. The other is a lot less self aware, has ADHD.  He didn't start really talking until 4 or 5 but now talks all the time about his favorite subjects.

Some of the following you probably know from your own experience so apologies if i sound pedantic here.

1. How hands on will your boyfriend be?
2. **How much support will you have?** What I mean is state support, community support or family support? I live in a community that considers helping others to be a huge priority. Because of that I had a lot more support.  I don't have much family support as until recently I didn't have family living near me. I live in NYS which provides a lot of support. That makes a HUGE difference.
3. Since it's a spectrum (which you know of course0 **it's impossible to really know how much needs your child would have.** I have it easier because my autistic kids are relatively easy to manage.  Nobody's a runner. Two of them will most likely be able to be independent.
4. This is related to point 1. **Kids have way more services than adults do.** My sister in law lived in Ohio but moved back to NY because when her daughter turned 21 there didn't exist any programs for her. In her case her daughter has down syndrome, but it would be the same for an autistic adult,  a My niece has day programs, also goes away some weekends and has a multiple week summer program she goes to that otherwise my SIL is an empty nester (she's in her 60s) that makes a huge difference in her life.
5. **How was your childhood?** I grew up in a single parent household with 4 siblings (we were 5 all born within six years) for most of my childhood. That helped prepare me for having kids and also eventually for widowhood eight years ago. It doesn't mean life is easy, but my expectations were different than my mom having five children when she grew up with one sibling seven years younger than her with a perfectionist mother.

Okay so after all THAT I'll answer your question.

As a parent I've been overwhelmed in different ways. When my oldest was 18 months she had a seizure. That's not uncommon apparently with autistic kids but I didn't know this until this year when speaking to another parent. Do I regret having my children. Never. That said, I had factors that made it easier. 1. I had a lot of community support. We have an organization for families of special needs that has been amazing. 2. I live in one of the best states for raising autistic kids. That doesn't mean it's been easy. But it's been easier. 3. I had a husband who wasn't always present but very supportive. 4. My kids are verbal, and for the most part easier to parent. That said my oldest has a lot of anxiety about basic living which makes it hard for her to function. Thankfully she's getting therapy. And yet I didn't go on a trip by myself for 16 years. I finally went this summer on a family road trip with my mom, sister and her wife while one son was in camp, my child with emotional challenges was in respite and the other two were able to stay home.

Am I overall happy? Yes. My kids are great. I sometimes haven't been as great as I could be for them especially in the earlier years. I am on anti-anxiety medicine too and see a therapist. I also didn't have kids until i was 32 so I had my twenties to be independent which also helped, but is it hard. Have I gotten overwhelmed? yes and yes. And that's with community support and support from the state., I’m happy enough, I am not happy but I wasn’t happy before kid either. I was able to hyperfocus on my career in advertising and I was incredible at it. It’s my fault, I didn’t know much about mental health at all. Once I had my son and began worrying about him and then the diagnosis, everything became so clear about myself. I am totally burnt out now as my sons primary caretaker, 9 years of no more than 2-4 hours of sleep at a time leaves my cup completely empty. You know when I am happy- when I drop him off at school and have silence in the car. That’s the peak of the day., My son is 2.5 years old and non-verbal. I tear up all the time when I see 18 month old babies talking and communicating so easily with their parents. What an easy life that many people take for granted. They even joke with me “you would wish they would just shut up like yours!” 🙄

HOWEVER, my son has taught my husband and I so much about the true meaning of love. And our patience has been one that’s way higher than it ever was without our son. We also know how to deal with people that are similar to our son and it’s amazing to see.

Kids in general are HARD, autistic or not. In my opinion, it’s harder than marriage itself. But with the right partner, love, patience, and access to the right tools, it can be very rewarding 💕, Yes. I teach kids with autism. I have a monogamous realtionship but will never marry, and I love my life!, I will preface this by saying that my kid is level 2, but overall I am happy. I'm tired and sometimes overwhelmed, but it doesn't feel as if it's at a very different level to other working parents of neurotypical kids. I think every three year old is a little energy vampire. 

It has definitely gotten easier as he has gotten older. He is currently chilling and listening to his Toniebox, and I have been doing some light cleaning. We are going to the science museum in a bit. We did the zoo on Monday, and an Easter Egg hunt last weekend. He's on spring break, but normally he has school during the week. 

I don't know. I am sure there are some unique challenges we are experiencing, and his therapy schedule is intense, but ... It doesn't feel like it is very different to having a neurotypical kid, especially as he is becoming increasingly verbal and wanting more interaction with me.

Again, level 2 kid, so I am not saying my experience is universal., Having kids us hard weather they are NT or ND. But you just love them through the hard times and there will be PLENTY! my 6yo is autistic and I wouldn't change him for nothing. He's the best boy and has made my life better. I have a 1 yo and idk if she is autistic or not yet.  It's hard to tell for sure when they are little but she may have some common early signs.. which honestly.  Nothing could make me happier if she was. I'm just used to doing life like this and always loved helping special needs people even when I was a kid.. so I think I'm just made for this 💪, I’m happy, my toddler is awesome, I’ve got a great support system, and an effective game plan to meet her where she’s at for her life. Are there days that are hard, absolutely, but I’m happy. Now I discussed heavily with my husband that ASD runs in my family before having a child to ensure that we had talked about what the challenges would be and how to best support any child we may have. If you do have a child and you notice missing milestones, fight for a therapy referral. I started talking with my child’s doctor at 1.5 years that she’s showing symptoms of a delay. At two we got her into ot/st and while we’re still showing signs of a delay, the gap is lessening, and I’m very confident she will be an independent adult, without any need for paid long term support. Children can get speech and ot before ASD evaluations comes into play. But if you are concerned about not meeting the needs for an ASD child, adoption is just as valid an option., I'm very satisfied with my life. We went through a really hard time a couple of years back, but that was mostly unrelated to my kids. My soon to be ex-husband was emotionally abusive and manipulative and made my life very hard for a very long time. Life is so much better now. It does help that their dad has them half the time, so I have time to myself. 

My kids are my whole world, and I love them to bits and am so grateful and happy to be their mom. They have relatively low support needs, and we can go out into the world and do most normal stuff. My 5yo has a lot of anxiety, so going to new places is always challenging, but it's been getting easier. My only real complaint is that my 3yo sleeps terribly, and the sleep deprivation takes a toll. I'm hopeful that it will get better as he gets older. It's already gotten a lot better compared to 6 months ago., I’m not only AudHD, I have severe trauma -ptsd, depression, anxiety, hashimotos hypothyroidism, severe migraines, substance use disorder (have been clean 13 years) and other things. I had my son at 33. He is truly the best thing that ever happened to me and my life is so much fuller now and seeing his smile makes me happy. I can say it’s hard but being a parent can be hard at times. I can also say that I am truly happy. I appreciate my child and he is the light of my life. Everyone is different. 

I didn’t think I would have a child either🤍, I love being a parent and knowing that my children have someone they can rely on. 

As I kid I didn’t have that safety/comfort because my mom had 6 kids and was a widow. She worked 2-3 jobs and we hardly saw her, our older siblings were in charge of the youngest. Her time was very limited out of necessity. 

Now as a parent I try my best to be present as much as I can. My eldest has ASD but she’s made so much progress over the last year after starting school. She was nonverbal and would be aggressive and had constant meltdowns to the point of nosebleeds/vomiting. It was very difficult but thankfully my husband was very involved as well. Now she’s speaking, can initiate conversations, asks questions, describes her feelings or surroundings, remembers conversations from other days and is really helpful with her younger sibling. She also knows peoples emotions and is really caring. All of this I something I couldn’t say in March 2023. 

It’s tough but it’s worth it when she says “mommy! I’m so happy I can dance” and she starts dancing 🥰❤️ or “mommy I love you soooo much”, Im in a state of serene pleasure with moments of intense anxiety. Autistic homies can have it go you just cant shy from your problems., My SO is on the spectrum, diagnosed after our daughter was.  I fear for my daughter and the difficulties she faces/might face, but it never makes me love her less.  I have 1NT and 1ND and  let me tell you, you are going to face challenges with any child.  But I fear more for my ND child.

There are also times where I am not able to help her.  I am trying, she is trying, but we aren't connecting in a productive way and that is hard to face.  We are lucky in that the majority of her diagnosis is concentrated in emotional regulation and social development and the physical/mental development is not largely affected (though we have been through 2 years of intensive speech therapy and her speech is behind her ND peers).

We spend a lot of time making sure both kids feel like they have their needs met, often at the expense of my own needs.  I have to have a lot of grace for all of the emotions of everyone in my house while I have to be non-reactive (making me feel like I don't get to have feelings some days).  I get burnt out and most days my self care is just a cup of coffee and my anti anxiety medication.  All of that sounds bleak, but that's the dark side.

I feel very lucky that our daughter has had early interventions which have allowed her to progress greatly.  I feel very lucky that she is verbal.  I feel very lucky that she is pretty much the carbon copy of my husband- who has lead an isolated, but fulfilling life.  And I have hope for my child.  As part of the autism community, I know that we are insanely lucky and that on the more severe aspect of the spectrum, the hope is different, the fears are different, the stress and intensity is different.  I have nothing but compassion and empathy for those families, especially because at the best of times with very mild symptoms raising a child with ASD can be hard and draining.

But I would not change a thing about my daughter.  She has opened my eyes to be more understanding and loving of my husband.  He has been able to learn through her.  We have been able to give her the experience and loving childhood my husband should have had.  She's funny, sensitive, caring, intelligent.  Her presence makes my life better.  Both of my kids are the single most point of stress in my life.  They drive me to the brink and back again.  But I delight in them.  I love watching them.  I love teaching them.  I love exploring with them and seeing who they are becoming.  They are undeniably the best part of my life and if they were to go, life wouldn't be worth living.

I love most parts of my life.  We adjust a bit to make sure that while we do things most NT families do, we have set ourselves up for success. (Telling her exactly what is going to happen, what to do if she wants to leave, which parent is her ""buddy for the day"" and which parent will be in charge of her sister. Paying attention for her stims and listening to her words. Watching videos of what to expect and giving her space to have feelings and a calm down spot when she asks for a break.  And we accept her no.  No cajoling or trying to convince her if she says she'd rather not do something.  Its just, okay! let's not do that!)  We go on planes, to the zoo, to aquariums, out to dinner, to winter festivals and summer water parks.

I have a great relationship with my children who think I am both God and their servant, so basically- Mom.  I have a great relationship with my husband though we both get overwhelmed, burnt out, and stressed.

Motherhood is a complex experience, but its not for the fainthearted.  Its not for the unsure.  The only reason to ever have a child is because YOU really, truly **WANT THEM**.  Because it is absolutely a labor of love in which you will break yourself down and be rebuilt into someone that lives for someone else.  And that's fucking hard.  To be a secondary character in your own life.  If you don't want it enough, you'll develop resentment, and I cannot stress this enough- your child didn't ask to be here.  We owe them everything and them nothing because we chose them.

So, after this long ass post, my answer to you is don't have kids.  I see your BF wants them, but until you are SURE, until you can look at everything everyone has said and confront the reality and understand what you could be getting yourself into and can find the delight and joy, don't do it., So, happiness comes from within.  You have to love yourself to love others.  You create a helpless child, totally dependent on you.  You learn right along with them.  It creates a bond that if you can love, becomes a part of your core being.  But, you will also see everything that you don’t like about yourself in your children. And because they watch you and learn from you, they end up mimicking that. So what you were seeing is a reflection of what they see in you. Also, make peace with the fact that you are a reflection of your parents, and your children will remind you of your mother or your dad. That’s why loving and accepting yourself is key. If you are happy with yourself, you will see children happy within themselves. If you are frustrated with yourself, you will be frustrated with your children., I'm a mom of two.  The oldest is autistic, and I'm currently undergoing evaluation to see if I'm also on the spectrum, which we suspect I am.  

Not going to lie, kids can be hard. It can be exhausting. And venting about it is necessary sometimes.  But man alive, they are also amazing.  I've never experienced love the way I have with my two little people.  I could stare at them for hours and just watch in wonder and amazement. And sometimes I do! And sometimes I want to toss them out the window.  I feel like I get to experience life new again, seeing it through their eyes.  I am in love with the fact that I get to grow old with these people, and watch them turn into adults and have their own lives.  So definitely worth it to me.

In saying that,  it's not for everyone.  If you don't feel like you want kids, that's ok, and it's important to not go down that road if you don't want to. I have kid free friends with happy fulfilled lives who wouldn't change it for the world.  Only you can answer for yourself if it's the right choice for you.  There's no right/wrong answer other than how you feel.  Good luck., It's a weird one. It's really stressful and lonely sometimes, and I rarely get a break (lone parent). But if I could go back in time and change things, I wouldn't. I wouldn't be without my kids, and I do have joy in my life., I am a late diagnosed autistic woman with adhd and I have a 7 year old boy, recently diagnosed.  I love him to bits and he's the best thing I've ever done with my life.  I sometimes question if I made the right decision given the state of the World/UK/global outlook etc, and I often question my ability to parent, but I never question my love for him (I'm a perfectionist and there is a whole thing about being a 'good enough parent which is difficult for me to accept as I want 100%) and I love being his mum.  He is so funny and it's brilliant getting to know him as he grows up and develops his own personality and preferences.  He's so strong willed and confident in ways I could never be, and I'd like to think that at least in part that's down to me being the parent I wanted.  So, I'd say go for it.  Of course it is hard, being a parent is tough, and the lack of sleep can be crippling, but it's also rewarding and fulfilling in ways nothing else is.  I'd say for me pregnancy was the really hard part as you get told endlessly about risk and how many ways in which babies can die, so by the time my son arrived I was a mess and I couldn't sleep in case something happened in the night.... 🙈 being autistic through that process was tough, courses are designed for NTs.  But seeing him grow, and develop into a wonderful, kind, funny, silly, clever, fabulous human being is amazing.  I wouldn't change anything.  I also loved the closeness of baby carrying (using slings, amazing and that baby smell, yes!).... You often get horror stories, I think, as parents are mostly tired and in need of more sleep than they get and that makes them cranky. And it can mean sensory overload as an autie parent, too, but you can find ways to cope.  Sometimes I think being autistic has been my super power as a mum because I became so focused on being the best mum I could be.  Being responsible for another human being is huge, at least it is for me.... so you need to be able to deal with that.  Also, it's a lot easier if you have family or a good support network.  I didn't.... but still here and have eventually found one!  Good luck and go with your heart, I'd say (if we were entirely rational about it, I don't think any of us would have kids, as it doesn't make financial sense and is arguably detrimental to our personal health in many ways, but here we are?!!!  I think it's far more beneficial to us in many other less tangible ways). ♥️💐🖖🏻, I'm happy in my life, yes.

But that doesn't mean it isn't stressful.  I am not on the spectrum, so I don't know what life is like when you are on it.

If you are worried about being overstimulated, then having a baby, whether on the spectrum or not, is something you want to think real hard about.  I hear people on this site, saying because of autism they don't like to be around other people too much.  Well if you have a baby you are with them 24/7. 

If you really want to have a child, but really don't want a child on the spectrum you could look into adopting.  I don't know if that is the right answer, but it's a possibility. The reality is none of us are signing up for special needs kiddos intentionally (except those who choose to adopt them)., I take the “it could always be worse” mindset, Had to check to see if this was the autism page or the marriage page. LMAO but really, lots of variables can make or break parenthood. None of us are perfect, and neither are our kids, autistic or not. Don’t let anyone make that decision but you and your partner., Like Charlotte from Sex and the City said, I’m not happy all day, but I’m happy every day. I’ll say that we are super fortunate to be able to afford a lot of things/help, and our autistic baby is relatively easygoing., It's hard and stressful like you wouldn't believe but I still love my son. Of course I wish he wasn't ASD but honestly, my husband and I like to keep to ourselves and if we had an NT kid, I'd feel pressured to put him in sports and do playdates with strangers, which I'm glad no one really asks us to do. Like someone else said, we bought our village and have ABA most days of the week and even have ABA at school now. We also have family nearby and he's got cousins who are his same age who try to include him in things.

I didn't always think I wanted kids but I'm glad I have my son. I think if I hadn't, I'd always wonder what my kid would be like. My husband and I have a great relationship and if we didn't, I'd probably feel entirely differently. I can't imagine doing something like this alone. BTW, I take meds for depression and that also contributes to my more positive outlook. I remember what it was like without the meds and......it was a black hole like you couldn't believe., I want to say I’m happy but I’m not. Single mom by technicality right now, working full time and then coming home to chaos is really hard. I’ve been sick for a few days, and after my un potty trained boy was sick with Norovirus has pushed me to the brink. Today there was poop smearing when I got home after days of cleaning diarrhea and ruined blankets.  I just had a massive rage fit basically and I can’t tell anyone because I’m ashamed of the state of my anger, the pain I feel, and the hopelessness and then THE GUILT of getting so angry at someone who probably has no clue why I’m so upset because his social rules are completely different than mine. I feel so unloved by my son, even though I know he loves me. And I feel so guilty for getting angry at him over things he probably doesn’t get why I’m so destroyed over them. BUT like so many other people have said, I don’t regret having him. For me, I painfully regret my own inability to be better. Also I’m a teacher and these middle school kids are fucking killing me every single day. That doesn’t help at all. Don’t let anyone pressure you, but there is nothing like being a parent and the love you can feel. Good luck either way., It’s hard. And it’s taken awhile to see more good. You never stop loving your kid though. The reality is autism is expensive. Our daughter is in ABA, occupational therapy and speech. Will your child need these therapies? Who knows. I didn’t know but fortunately we have insurance. I didn’t know there are people who pick careers to help children with autism. So if you want a child then do it. There’s so much help out there and once you find your tribe you will be okay. All of these therapist are my village. We have no one else we don’t get breaks or date nights. But my daughter has changed so much from last year. We get to go out to dinner. We get to go to the fair and to the mall. We will be enrolling her in tennis soon and in August she will start preschool through the state. No one can write your story because that’s your story. No one can tell you how it’ll go. But as a mom I can tell you it’s a beautiful thing to raise a little one. Nothing is perfect with this life and the kids don’t ask for perfect., I am BPD AuADHD and my partner is ADHD and very likely NPD and we had the talk about what if he had ASD but the tricky part about that conversation, even if it’s well intentioned, you have no fucking idea how to prepare for that unless you’re preparing for the worst case scenario. so I thought because of my personal experiences I could guide him but his ASD is very different from mine, so I had very different expectations. Also I went undiagnosed most my life whereas we got my sons diagnosis before 2. My parents never had the responsibility of therapies/behavior coaching that I have had, it’s incomparable. Because my parents still don’t believe the importance of being neurodiverse affirming and accepting, my support system has been inconsistent and made the beginning of my motherhood journey fucking hell. I’ve learned these are the key things to being a successful parent 1) figuring out if you’re emotionally capable and resilient , go to therapy if not 2) do you have a support system in place to maintain self care for yourself , if not could you afford one? 3)can you afford and handle being a parent with ASD child if you split (High divorce rate) 4)do you have family that would look after your child after you expire ? would you be ok not knowing if your child has a good quality life (living independently and having a social life outside of parents)? 4) are you being honest with yourself about the reason why you want a child? You will absolutely have it thrown in your face that you made the choice to have a kid, could you live with that and make the most it?, To reiterate what some of the other people have said, it's ok to not want to be a parent. AND it's also ok to not want to be a parent, with your boyfriend. 

If he really wants kids and you don't, you need to have a sit down calm conversation about where your relationship is going. 

Most people will have been in relationships at some point and realised that they have different ideals or what life will be. It's ok, like most things in life, communication is massively important., It's very hard. One autistic child is difficult to manage, but I think if you have a supportive community that will help care for your child and take some of that burden, then I don't think it'll be just as stressful as solo parenting., I’m happy. I’ve got a good career, happy kid, supportive partner. Things aren’t always easy but early intervention really helped my kid and she’s much happier than she was when she couldn’t communicate. That makes me happier., For me the most helpful thing about this experience has been focusing on it like a puzzle--like several puzzles I'm working simultaneously a lot of the time, but really the idea is to figure out which strategies work, which things need to fit in place to be able to manage it (like, we all do better when I am more relaxed, so things that are relaxing for me get moved to the top of the list; we do better with more sleep and a consistent routine, so things that disrupt that get taken out as much as possible).  I think the frustration comes up for me most reliably when my expectations are so far away from reality--I can get really attached to an expectation or excitement or anticipation for something I'm looking forward to, and if it doesn't materialize like I imagined, it is incredibly discouraging and it's easy to plunge into my life is a misery and will always be a misery because this circumstance will always be with me.  So one thing that I have to figure out is how to ensure that there are things I will enjoy that are low risk of being screwed up.  I feel like it has made me a more emotionally mature person than I was before, like I think in the past I felt like I was in control of everything and because for the most part I was, I was entitled to feel frustrated by the things that weren't to my liking.  But now I am so much more aware of how out of my hands things are, and once I learned to make a little more peace with that (a work in progress lol) it relieved some of that frustration and made me feel like a nice life was actually really possible, and maybe even more important, that I would be enjoying that nice life as a more self-aware, compassionate person than I would have had the opportunity to be before.   I am, for context, a single mom with a level three ASD kid who is 8 and a NT kid who is 10, and we live far from family, including the kids' father.  BUT we have a great school that I never have to fight with, and I have a pretty low stress job with flexible hours where I make enough to outsource some things.   Some of that is luck and some of it is intentional--like I keep this job despite a lot of opportunities to advance and do something more interesting because that flexibility is part of my ""village"" that someone referenced earlier.  When I started to pay attention to all the things that make my life easier it really changed my attitude towards not having a partner or family nearby--like what would family actually do that I can't do in some other way?    Solving as many things as I can in creative ways is, for me anyway, part of the fun and growth of this life, as opposed to just checking the same boxes everyone else gets to check.   I am not sure I would have picked this life off a menu, but I think I would not have realized how much I was missing if I hadn't had the chance to live it., If you have reasons to believe your kid might be autistic and that is something that would lower your quality of life (you are already asking so it definitely in your mind), why not looking at adopting? Lots of kids out there are in need of love, I am very happy. My life is a whirlwind of chaos but the bond I share with my boy is something I wouldn't trade for the world!, Yes, we are very happy!!  Sometimes it’s very hard, but that’s true of life.  I have a great relationship with my spouse and kids.  I have 4: 19, 5 (ASD), 4 (speech delayed but otherwise neurotypical), 1.75 yo neurotypical., I often feel exhausted, burnt out, frustrated, etc… but I love my son more than I ever thought it was possible to love another human and I don’t regret having him at all. There are really hard moments and hard days sometimes, but we have just as many really fun and happy moments and days. We have adapted our lives to accommodate my son, and once I accepted that that was just our reality and not the social media fake perfection, it helped. My son definitely helps me notice and appreciate the little things more. And he’s helped me to enjoy childhood all over again through his eyes., My husband is neurodivergent, our oldest daughter is on the spectrum and her two little sisters are neurotypical. We are for the most part in love with our lives.

He struggles a little with the sensory overload of the chaos of our house (3 kids, 2 adults, and 2 dogs) but we have learned each others bat signals for when we’re going to lose it. A “hey do you wanna go take 5” is our love language.

All 3 of our daughters are fucking fantastic and they make our lives so crazy and so beautiful. He gets our eldest daughter on a really special level and has been instrumental in her ability to love and accept herself exactly as she is. 

All in all I’d say we’re the typical family just loving and living. Sure we have some unique challenges but it just makes it all the more fulfilling at the end of the day. We have a home, food, clothes, and each other. When all the kids are in bed and we can finally lay back we usually just say god damn, we have it all., I am married with 1 child. I would say that I am actually pretty happy in life. I think my life has improved since the times when I was single and childless. It's definitely changed but in a mostly good way. Having a child can at times be over stimulating but the pros do outweigh the cons. I wake up every day to my husband and son's smile. My son will usually put his face to mine and touch my face with just the biggest smile on his face. He laughs constantly and it's beautiful. We do a lot of things as a family too. It does take more time to plan things and get ready to go out but you get better at it with time., To procreate is divine. Autistic kids are difficult to handle, but I honestly can't imagine my life without my son. I think about everything I did before my kid and it all seems so boring and empty. You truly won't get it until you have a kid, autistic or not. Keep in mind too that most of the people posting here are also autistic, so there is a high chance that if your kid is autistic, they will still grow into a somewhat functioning adult, Parenting is a big responsibility. If you are independent yourself and feel like you can raise a kid, then why not?? I am a NT parent of an autistic kid 5yrs. His diagnosis was a shock for us, but we have accepted it now and are as happy as anyone can be. Raising a child is a beautiful experience, no matter how he turns out., I’m super happy. My toddler is ASD 3. He’s in therapy, he’s learning. We’ve gotten to a real good spot where we know what helps and what doesn’t. Yeah we have some bad days but I cannot imagine my life without him! He’s got 1 younger sister and he loves her! I want one more even though I know I could have another ASD child., I could not imagine my life without my ND kid. I love that he’s my firstborn and I would literally not have it any other way. It feels like my kid was always meant to be ND and all his “quirks” make me feel even more like I’m meant to be his mom. Sorry 🤷‍♀️, Now, I will preface this with the fact that my son is currently 3, and does not have a formal diagnosis at this time. He has a functional speech delay, and some other behaviours that point toward ASD, but others that don't at all, and our pediatrician has taken the ""wait it out"" approach for the time being, but I am pretty confident he will end up with a diagnosis of some sort, if not ASD, some sort of processing disorder would be my guess. Either way. YES. Parenting my child comes with some enormous challenges, but my goodness, does he ever bring so much joy and light into my life. We are able to do SOME things families with exclusively neurotypical children do, and other things we avoid, and there are some things where we find a compromise that works for our family. We do things a little differently than what might look typical to most families, but what we are doing is working for us. We have more appointments than most families with a 3 year old (speech, and OT right now), but we are fortunate to have access to therapies to support my son's development. He makes me laugh every day. He makes me feel loved and needed every day. He teaches me something new every day. He amazes and surprises me every day. There is no shortage of happiness in my life; even though this isn't the EASIEST path, it is certainly not a path lacking love and joy., It’s hard. But I wouldn’t trade my son for anything., Yes I am happy- I have times where I feel disappointed for my guy- I hate that his life will be more challenging simply because he was born- but he is so happy and cuddly and is such a light.  He makes me smile all day long- he is the best thing thats ever happened to me.  , Yes. Life is not perfect but I love my beautiful high support needs ASD son and despite our challenges he makes my life better with him in it. For the bad times outside of that I remember that this life is temporary and I pray to God that there is a place in the house of Jesus Christ for me and my family. Thank you God for my boy, I’m really happy! 2 NT teens and one ND toddler. I’m also most likely autistic but undiagnosed. I’m a single parent, gave up work when the little was born as they have other medical needs. So a lot changed, but not necessarily for the worst. Are there hard times? Yes. Are there days I think I can’t handle much more? Yes. But that was the case with my older, typical kids too. That’s ALL parenting IMO. My little is the chillest, most loving child ever. We have a bond of steel, nobody comes close and we have a happy life just chilling out! We can’t do breakfast with Santa, or swimming lessons, or the Easter bunny. But I’ve let go of that because that’s not what my child wants. We do what they love instead (mainly walks, the beach, driving, tickle, chase etc, iPad). They’re also great on holiday, we go away a lot and that’s a big plus for us. 

I can hand on heart say that I’m happy. I wish my child didn’t have potentially rough times ahead in life, but there’s nothing to say they won’t thrive and be truly happy too. We had a ROUGH time when they were born and I’ve watched them nearly die, go through brain surgery , facial surgeries etc so nothing seems hard in comparison anymore. I think my default is extreme gratitude my baby is ok, so that may play a part in my answer. I also think the nature of these forums is that people reach out when they’re struggling so it can seem like having an ND child is all doom and gloom. And I’m not taking that away from anyone who struggles, my heart goes out to them. But remember it’s not a given that it’ll be that way :), You might not want to do all the fun things everyone else does. You'll want to do your own version of fun. 

As an autistic parent you'll be able to understand and advocate for your children, both ND and NT, in ways others can't., I’m very happy, is having a child hard sometimes? Definitely but the pros far outweigh the cons. My child is funny, happy, energetic, creative, gentle little guy. I love his personality, I love his way of doing things, I love the ways he shows his love! The first couple years were the hardest for me (not because of him) but the drastic change to my life and how I liked things done was very hard for me. I settled into the new routine eventually and I’m so happy now. I love my family and I love my child!, Imo happiness is a fleeting emotion like sadness or anger or whatever else. It comes and goes. It's a mood. I do have plenty of happiness in my life, along with frustration and exhaustion and sadness, just like anybody else. Each one has a time and a place. I think the more important, more constant feeling is fulfillment (or lack thereof). Happy or sad or angry, I'm still always fulfilled by my life and my family. I'm glad my 3 kids exist. I feel lucky to be their mom. I love that they're each a little walking/talking (or babbling lol) embodiment of my and my husband's love for each other. 

Sounds cheesy, I know. I don't really say this stuff to anyone, but since you asked I figured I'd give the whole answer haha! 

But also, if you don't want kids, you don't have to have them. What is fulfilling for one person is hell for another. Can parents of autistic children be happy, fulfilled? Yes absolutely. Whether that'll be the case for you is really only up to you though. 💜, Yes, we’re happy! My 4 year old ASD daughter is so much fun! She loves to hike, work in the yard, she’s curious, she loves to snuggle. She doesn’t talk often, but when she does she is hilarious! Yes, our daily life looks different- we have to make sure she’s getting adequate sensory input to stay regulated- but we have fun.  For me, the main sources of stress are having to fight to get her into services (already having to plan out summer months and next school year), I wish she’d have more interest in her little sister, it’s frustrating seeing her do something once and then refusing to do it again, and, the biggest one, not knowing what she will be capable of as an adult., I’ve experienced grief and hardship in my parenting journey but my life is infinitely better with my daughter in it. She’s a goofy ball of energy who makes people smile everywhere we go. Shes affectionate, happy, and curious and I learn from her every day. I think happiness is complicated. I wasn’t happier before I had my child. I’m not sure I can say I’m happy now either but I experience plenty of joy and much of it is because of her., My 3yo (ASD) and 1yo (NT) daughters are the light of my life. Autism is not easy but it comes in so many different forms and waves, so some days are not so great and others are the best days we’ve ever had as a family. My daughter on the spectrum is quiet (when she isn’t singing haha) and sweet and introverted. She loves singing and drawing. She is truly a gift in that she is easygoing and agreeable most of the time. There is a lot of work and effort involved on our part as parents because we want to and do work toward providing her as much support and services as possible so that she can learn to communicate more and thrive in her new preschool program. Raising her and being tuned in to her needs was all we knew until her sister came along. My younger daughter is an energetic extrovert. I often consider parenting her to be on easy mode because she sleeps like a rock and I am far more familiar with teaching someone socially motivated who learns by copying/mimicking. That said, she is much more vocal, opinionated, and likely to get into “trouble” - ie getting into things she shouldn’t and testing boundaries. In this respect, she is not as easy to parent as my firstborn. Each has their quirks and strengths and weaknesses. Both fulfill my husband and me in their own way.

Being a parent is the best thing I’ve ever done. I find so much joy in our girls and who they are becoming and I absolutely wouldn’t change a thing. I wanted kids my whole life. I grew up with an ASD sibling, it initially made me apprehensive about having a child with ASD, but this is due to my own shortcomings rather than any potential heartache or distress brought on by having children. Every child, neurotypical or divergent, is different, and everyone will have a different experience. Whether you roll the dice or not, I wish you confidence and peace in whichever choice you make., I’d say you can be burnt out and depressed even without an autistic child! I have 4 children, 3 who are autistic! Life can be crazy and there’s days I can’t catch my breath but I don’t know who I’d be without my kids!, I love my kids. I love seeing them excited to jump in bouncy houses, ride rollercoasters, swim, line things up in the sand at the beach. I love coming home to their laughter, their excitement. Sometimes it’s difficult, and I vent. Even parents of NT kids struggle, parenting can be difficult. If you want a kid, prepare for it, plan what you want to do with this child. Give them the love and childhood you want to give them., Not gonna lie, my life sucks, I’m not happy and I struggle to get through the day.

With that being said, I have no doubt at all that all my current struggles would be worth it if in two decades my son is doing what you are doing right now.

Since you asked for it, my advice for you is to have children with your boyfriend., This is a good point! None of us can tell you if *you* will be happy with kids, be they autistic or not, I 10000% agree. I am content and fulfilled because I always wanted to be a mom and had my kid when I felt like I had done all the things I wanted to do in my 20s (studied, traveled, etc). I also knew going in that being a parent was going to involve sacrifice and I felt ready. If I had had my kid any sooner, it would’ve been a tougher adjustment. I’m personally very happy with my kid. I don’t compare him to neurotypical kids. I also celebrate what makes him unique, and I think he’s so cool and sweet and fun and interesting. He’s also so smart and a motivated learner, and it’s been fun learning about his special interests. But my life involves zero time to myself, lots of work on regulating my emotions, high stress when my kiddo is having a tough day, lots of worrying about the future. My husband is an exemplary dad and partner, and even with all these wonderful things, there’s still a high level of being needed, lots of stress to manage, appointments to juggle. All of that to say it’s okay not to want kids, it’s okay to want to wait a good while until you’re sure you’re ready, and it’s important to take the time to be sure that you and your partner can work together and are on the same page about kids., I didn't want kids & am Bipolar; knew I shouldnt.  In a Manic Moment, a coworker came to work on Endorphin High after his wife gave birth & said it was Best Feeling in World.  I got PG that night, first time ever w/o birth control, at 34.  Dr called me Test Positive @ work.  I loaded copy machine cartridge backwards & it trumpeted like an Elephant.  That F\*\*\*\* A\*\*\*\*\* coworker never even congratulated me on PG.  I often wondered how his kids turned out.  My son is Estranged from me, Aspergers, and today is my 70th birthday.  I regret having them.  My life went downhill.  More trauma than happy memories.  Sorry to be honest but this is anonymous.  My mother should not have had me & I should not have had children.  My half-sister's one child turned out real well but we're estranged., 100% agree with this. It's something you and your boyfriend need to have a serious conversation about. Sounds like you're completely opposite in your desire for a child. And that's completely ok, he's either going to see your point of view or you go your separate ways. If you decide to stay together, it's a possibility that down the road you find that desire to be a parent, but you can't let him dictate that. 

To answer your question, my wife and I are overall very happy. There's the money struggles with having a neuro-divergent child with expensive therapies, but aside from that and the occasional burnout, it's pretty smooth most of the time. The most frustrating part is that our non-verbal three year old daughter can't easily tell us what she wants, needs or if she's hurt but we're working on that every day and I'm confident we'll get there. One thing we decided when she was around 2 1/2 is that she will be our only biological child so that we can focus solely on her needs as long as we have to, and if we decide down the road that we have a desire to expand our family, we will adopt an older child., or coerce/baby trap you, *Statistics in study after study show that the happiest people are single childless women.*

Why are they also the women most prone to alcoholism and suicide?, Can you give any advice on building your village?, I’m so sorry it’s been so hard.  That’s especially tough when there are limited resources, both financial and emotional.  You are a good parent, doing what you can and putting your kid first.  Society doesn’t make it any easier. Are there other services available in your area, to support low income parents, for example?, I’m incredibly sorry for your experience, could she qualify for TERFA or low income Medicaid? That could help with the gap in healthcare coverage. Also with Medicaid, if she’s having feeding difficulties, a doctor could prescribe her nutritional shakes, and hopefully that could free up some income for your needs as well., Very similar situation here. 

There are definitely times that I find myself wishing things were easier. But how do I know that having an NT kid would solve all of my problems? right now things are easier with the little one, but that could change in the future.

The bottom line is that it’s hard to have kids. Whether or not they are autistic, or born with some rare illness, or completely healthy and NT, it is just hard., Yeah I'm also very happy with my autistic and intellectually disabled daughter, she is a delight.  I know I'm lucky she doesn't have many behavioural issues that are really hard to deal with that I see a lot of parents vent about here.

I really feel for those parents.  The ones who aren't getting any sleep, who get hit by their child and deal with constant screaming.  I feel bad for the poor kid too who is obviously struggling to live in a world that can be physically painful for them if they have sensory issues etc.

But my daughter is happy, and that's all I ask for. 

I wrote a post about my daughter here:

https://www.reddit.com/r/Parenting/s/ghYOcewxqr, I love this. I feel the same way. I said to my partner if I had to re-live the same decade of my life over and over it would be the birth to 10 years of my kids. No question., I didn’t consider autism was something that would happen. I thought it happens when you gave a baby in your 40s not 27. I was an idiot. If I’d have known then what I know now I wouldn’t have had any even my probably NT one. It’s not worth it. It’s not a life I wanted to give my child. He has no future, nothing to look forward to. There’s no point to my life either., This.

I see a lot of ""very happy"" and ""wouldn't change a single thing"" replies so far, but the fact you guys are here already says a lot., I actually relate to this a lot.  Maybe not every detail, but mourning what could have been - missing my life before having a child - those are all huge for me these days.  My son is 2.5 years old and we're just now starting on this path together, maybe I'll feel different down the road.  But it's hard right now., I agree, I mourn my old life, freedom to do as I pleased, no worries and the future to look forward to, getting up when I want to, having a job and money, not having to attend meetings at school and having to jump through hoops given to me by people I have little respect for, being threatened that my kid isn't welcome at the school unless he shapes up. The list is endless. Sometimes my life feels so joyless. I think staying childless would've be far better. I didn't suffer any miscarriages nd I'm sorry for what you've been through. My son was born extremely premature and that's when my life went pear shaped., This. 

I have two autistic children and one NT. Oldest is NT and the middle child- we didn’t even know it was autism until I was already pregnant with the 3rd. Had I known that it was autism and that it’s very likely future children could have it, I would absolutely 100% not have had a 3rd child or even the 2nd one knowing it is likely genetic. The third child is severe and I am a caregiver for him. I have no life. 

Op, I didn’t want a 3rd kid. I told my spouse after the second child that I couldn’t handle another child like her and that I would end up in a looney bin if we had another like her. He just kept saying it’s not going to happen over and over and I gave in. Well guess what? Now I’m a caregiver and the third child is 10x worse. Are you prepared to become a caregiver or listening to possible screaming all day long, not being able to go anywhere, spending all your days driving your kid to back to back therapies? What if you and your man split? Are you prepared to be taking care of a child like that alone? It’s a lot of things to consider and I WISH someone would have given me the harsh reality heads up like you are getting on here. Do I love my kids? Absolutely. They are my kids, I created them. But I’m not going to sit here and lie and say oh it’s so great just take the chance. 

The thing I feel most guilty about is my NT child missing out on so many life experiences bc we have had to leave or avoid things due to the autistic children and their needs. I try so hard to do special things for my oldest when I can and she is so understanding but I feel like such a shitty parent or like I’ve almost ruined her growing up experience 😞

My spouse always said, if we have another I’ll help, I’ll promise I’ll help. He doesn’t help. It’s all on me all the time. He works and brings in the money so that’s all he thinks he needs to contribute. He goes out with friends and does his thing and I’m stuck home with the kids. There are many mommas like me. I don’t want you to be one of them if you don’t need to be. Really take time and think about what YOU want., r/regretfulparents is a good place for support and venting without judgement., Also it stopped being ""cute"" once they hit puberty and being stronger than their parents., This experience varies widely depending where on the spectrum your kid is. My sons 5 not conversational has tons of energy and impulse issues and we do things like social skills group that leave my scratching my head why some of the kids there are in therapy. 
All kids have challenges, some autistic kids are more challenging than others., To answer the rest of your question - we had a second child right when we realized son might be autistic and we started receiving services. I do carry some guilt that his baby sister sometimes has to play second fiddle bc of his needs. I try my hardest to schedule his therapies around when they won’t impact her schedule, but know this will get harder as she gets older and has her own commitments. 

My husband and I are still obsessed w eachother! We’re both tired and done some days, but o think that would happen w any toddler and baby to care for. 

Yesterday my son had a huge freak out at the library and it ended w us both crying on the way home. But that’s an exception, not the rule. 95% of the time we do all the things we want to do and he can hang and enjoys it. And if he can’t, that’s okay and we go with the flow., We've had night terrors, days where one is sreaming the whole day, days I sat and cried with my kids because I can't and they can't.. it's not all roses. I'm still glad I chose it., 💯!, Hey thanks for that brushing hair countdown tip! Why didn’t I ever think of that! Lol! My ASD 9yr old girl HATES having her hair brushed due to sensory but she LOVES timers and countdowns! This is going to be a huge game changer., And of course only if YOU want to and YOU would be happy if you did. My babies mean a lot to me and make me really happy despite the challenges I face. I would do anything for them and I’m happy I get to see their little faces everyday, Same- I always wanted one but it didn’t happen and I gave up that dream. Then it happened!, Lmao . Funny how you easily take accountability for having a child when you shouldn’t have but don’t seem to take accountability for addressing your mental health while being a parent. BP requires consistency of self care and routine just like ASD, and as someone with a similar situation it’s irritating hearing your excuses., I would love to see the actual statistics to back up your statement., Sorry, but I don't believe that at all. They will need a much larger sample size to convince me women are happiest when they go against their instinctive maternal nature.  

I know many older women who have regrets choosing their career over a family., Right. Shit gets to be a lot some days but at the end of the day I just wanna hold him when he’s asleep and stare at him. Genuinely love him more than life. He’s a lot. But he’s mine., This rings so true!! Well stated. I wish I could get my point across as eloquently., My tiny is 4yrs old and even with the chaos at times, I could stay here forever. We sit together and put marble run mazes all over the living room. We both love setting them up. And legos. And drawing. And bike rides. She’s my little bestie. 
To answer OP, nothing is ever the same, but not in a bad way., Hi,
Yeah autism is often said to be the result of having “older parents”, which I am, but I’ve heard of plenty of twenty somethings who have children on the spectrum, so more likely it runs in families.

I am learning how to get better at my own stress management, but it will take work.

Do you get any help at all? You both have futures, I know it’s hard to think, but you can help your child and yourself. :), Relatable. I often feel like I’m not cut out for this., wanting support and community doesn’t mean that you’re unhappy. It’s fine for the group to have room for both!, LOL I see some sour grapes here. I can be very happy and also sometimes want to ask a question to people who have hit the same issue before., Does it? Getting and giving advice about unique kids means we are miserable?, How does finding a relatable and helpful community = unhappy?? It’s like joining a planting club. You can be friends and socialize at the club meetings AND provide insight on why my plant isn’t growing. Maybe it needs shade when I’ve only been giving it sunlight., It's a parenting advice sub Reddit. If you are on a gardening subreddit it's not just because you woke up to day of the triffids., I just think it's feeling like you have to say the ""right thing"". Even here.

I also think plenty of people use ""happy"" instead of ""content"", which I could buy., I'm trying to stay positive since 2-5 are some of the hardest years but it's not a guarantee my son will make progress - which is something I have to emotionally prepare for, Here's a sneak peek of /r/regretfulparents using the [top posts](https://np.reddit.com/r/regretfulparents/top/?sort=top&t=year) of the year!

\#1: [The painful realisation that I could be living my childfree friend's life if I didn't give in to marriage and kids. I miss my freedom so much.](https://np.reddit.com/r/regretfulparents/comments/149u6l0/the_painful_realisation_that_i_could_be_living_my/)  
\#2: [I FINALLY exploded on my mother for her constantly badgering me to have a baby.](https://np.reddit.com/r/regretfulparents/comments/14kjsnw/i_finally_exploded_on_my_mother_for_her/)  
\#3: [This type of mental gymnastics can be so so harmful. Did you ever had to deal with a person like that in real life?](https://i.redd.it/z63r4j2jgndb1.jpg) | [113 comments](https://np.reddit.com/r/regretfulparents/comments/1575vs9/this_type_of_mental_gymnastics_can_be_so_so/)

----
^^I'm ^^a ^^bot, ^^beep ^^boop ^^| ^^Downvote ^^to ^^remove ^^| ^^[Contact](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=sneakpeekbot) ^^| ^^[Info](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/) ^^| ^^[Opt-out](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/comments/o8wk1r/blacklist_ix/) ^^| ^^[GitHub](https://github.com/ghnr/sneakpeekbot), I hope it works!, It’s funny how sometimes life works out that way. I met my husband when I wasn’t looking for a relationship and here we are! So glad your dream came true :), Sure, hereya go!

[https://www.bu.edu/sph/news/articles/2023/women-without-children-at-age-35-are-at-highest-risk-of-binge-drinking-alcohol-use-disorder/](https://www.bu.edu/sph/news/articles/2023/women-without-children-at-age-35-are-at-highest-risk-of-binge-drinking-alcohol-use-disorder/)

**""Women who turned 35 in recent years, as well as women who have not had children by age 35, are the subgroups of women at highest risk of binge drinking and having alcohol use disorder (AUD) symptoms.""**

[https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamapsychiatry/article-abstract/496069](https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamapsychiatry/article-abstract/496069)

***""Women who had never married exhibited higher relative risks for suicide than married parous and married nonparous women for all age groups younger than 65 years at the start of follow-up.""***

***""Among the married, the parous women had lower relative risks than nonparous women for all ages.""***, I get quite a bit of help actually but unless something will make it go away then honestly it just feels like all our lives are over. Nothing can make it better., If not then this happy parent will bounce, LOL, Have I ever been happy? No. Does my daughter make me more happy? Yes., I appreciate you providing the proof for your statements, but if you read the whole papers that these come from, there is much more nuance than your statement suggests. 

This still doesn't mean that you should allow anyone to push you into having kids., Maybe the ones who make it to 65 are happiest?  I imagine societal pressure is strongest at younger ages, and less and less people give a shit as they get older., I’m sure the happiest single people are between the ages of 18-25, Valid, I am. I mean, it’s hard. Not gonna lie. But my thought is that life is usually hard in one way or another and though I’m not autistic I am totally blind so I’m no stranger to finding my own way through the rough timres., I’m so unhealthily stressed it’s insane. I love my son but this life isn’t for the faint of heart., The one thing no one has said, but I think is more important than anything else; if you don't want kids, please, please, please don't let anyone talk you into, bully, or shame you into having kids. 

There is absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting kids or deciding it's just not what you want for your life no matter what the reason is. 

Statistics in study after study show that the happiest people are single childless women., I’m happy, but more stressed than I would be if my son wasn’t autistic. I have 2 kids 5 and 7. 

My 5 year old is verbal but not conversational. It’s been a long road of getting kicked out of daycare, scrambling for childcare during school vacations, getting calls from teachers. That stuff is all what gets me stressed more than my actual kid. The rat race of it all. Never ending therapies and appointments. Everything is just harder like doctor appointments. People constantly trying to figure him out when in public. 

My 7 year old is typical. We live a pretty “normal” life. My older son plays lots of sports. My ASD one is easy going places. We do the movies, trampoline park, went to Disney. He goes to his brothers games. We go to the beach and pool, go on vacation, stay in hotels, fly on planes. No issues. Everything is pretty typical except the language delay. I think if that could catch up life would get a lot easier. I work from home which helps but I can’t have calls when my sons home. Even though he’s almost 6 I can’t tell him to be quiet while moms on the phone he doesn’t understand. 

My son isn’t interested in peers but that part doesn’t bother me. My older one is extremely social so we get that experience. Me and my husband are introverted so are more in line with my ASD son than the older one. 

I’m constantly burned out but not just because autism. I work full time and my husband has a crazy work schedule, we don’t have much family help, 2 kids therapy and sports  schedules, I’m in the middle of taking the cpa exam. Life’s just always crazy, but I know that my kids are my purpose and do it all for them 


I wouldn’t change it for a thing though, I love my guy., Autistic solo parent as well. If I didn’t have the resources to hire help I’d likely be depressed. I bought my village and it’s worth every damn penny., I have moments of pure joy. One of them was today. My son and I spent two hours playing at the ocean and on the forest trails. That was a happy time. During that time I was not burnt out or overstimulated. These moments don’t happen everyday but when they do, they have a way of balancing the rest., I might be a much needed person on the other side of the grass, but I'm incredibly unhappy. I have depression and due to my job, insurance isn't readily consistent, so I can't get therapy or medication, so I'm boarding alcoholic so I don't kms. I'm also autistic and the loud  noises my daughter makes triggers me, I don't like that it's hard for me to stim around her, she's too needy and requires attention that's hard for me because I often disassociate. She's low functioning.  She affects my sleeping and eating routines to cater to her. I have limited income, and we have differing pallets. So almost all my food money goes to her food, often leaving me for days without eating regularly. 

 My daughter is lovely, but society is not. The stress of what will happen to my daughter if I die. The stress of constant therapy, not being able to participate normally in activities like Christmas, halloween, and Easter due to my daughter sensory issues and tantrums. Not being able to talk to her. She can't  tell me she loves me or gives me affirmation. She cant tell me im doing a good job.  Constantly feeling like a failure as a parent.

I'm straight up miserable. I wouldn't wish my life on anyone. I lowkey gave up on my life, but I try to give my daughter everything I can. She's lowkey spoiled because I know life will be hard for her. And if I knew it would be this hard, I would've never had her. My life was 100% easier without a kid (asd or not). I find being autistic makes parenting a bit harder. I dont like how people will treat her in public when she stims or needs extra support. It stresses me out. Not for me but for her. I love her so fkn much im ashamed I brought her here. I wish our society was kinder to disabled people and kinder to parents., Yes I m very happy! My husband and I make lots of time after our kids go to bed for sex and emotional connection/conversation/quality time so we have a good relationship. I’m the primary caretaker of our 5yo (ASD) and 1yo (typical appearing). We have been extremely luckily that our son is a happy little boy. He’s nonverbal but for the most part he’s really chill. We follow his routine and he’s happy as can be. Lots of hugs, eye contact, face smushing, snuggling. He communicates as best he can and I can usually understand and my husband can usually figure it out 60-70% of the time. We do some “typical” family things like go to all inclusive night at our local museum, family photos, go trick or treating, go to the park. He tends to stress out if it’s too out of the ordinary like someone’s house or a restaurant so we don’t do that but we also have a literal baby lol. We live happily in our bubble. We love our kids. And more importantly we like them and their personalities.

Edited to add: I often get overstimulated but that’s where we communicate hey I need to tap out., Autistic single parent with level 2-3 autistic toddler. Like any aspect of life, there are ups and downs, but I can’t imagine my life without this kid. There are struggles but my overall quality of life and life enjoyment increased exponentially. It is the adventure of a lifetime 🌈❣️, No, I’m not happy. It’s been hell. I love my kids, but if I could make my older son be low support needs/verbal autistic or even NT, I would do it in a second.

But all I can do is my best and try to build superhuman patience., I am but my kid is 9 now and it has gotten a lot easier within the past year., Nope., Yes, very happy. People post when they have stuff to complain about. I spent all day on Sunday with my little dude. We spent a ton of the lay laughing and just joking around in our own distinctive way. It was a great day and nothing out of the ordinary. I didn't post about it because...well, why would I?, Honestly, I feel bipolar with how up and down everything is. A lot of times I'll say ""I hate my life"" but it's really a shorthand for ""I hate that this is currently my life"". I mourn the life I used to have, and sometimes I regret insisting to my husband that we should try for kid(s). I think about the life I could have had were it not for my miscarriages - would I still have had an autistic child? I don't know, and I probably need professional help to work through my losses (regarding the miscarriages, the life I could have had, the ""normal"" life my autistic child could have had, etc.). 

I'm still able to find joy in smaller moments and try to look forward to things in the future - just trying to survive this season of life., Had I seen this question a few days ago or maybe even a few days from now and I would have given you a different response, but no. Absolutely not.

I really wish I wasn't his mother. I love him so much but I wish he wasn't mine. Someone else could probably be a much better parent than me. It is just a feeling of constant failure no matter how hard I try it's never enough. I know it's not fair to him but I'm starting to resent him. And I hate myself for it. I hate that the only way he pays me any attention is if I bark at him like a drill Sargent. I hate doing it but if I don't then he is just 100% feral. We can't go to the park. He has no sense of danger and it hurts so much seeing kids so much younger than him just miles and miles ahead of him. I don't feel like a parent, I feel like a keeper.


Edit about 24 hours later:

I debated about deleting this comment due to the pure shame I feel about having written it. I'm going to leave it up because I want others who might feel like I did yesterday to read this part too:

I was able to get a good night sleep, and so was he. His behavior isn't really that much different than when I wrote the comment,but my tolerance threshold is much higher now that I've had some time to sleep. I was overjoyed earlier today because he finally wore his ear defenders outside and he was able to play while the neighbor mowed his yard. He bamboozled me today by putting on his boots and picking up his tablet and a blanket. I picked up the keys thinking he was asking for a car ride but he ended up taking me outside because he wanted to nap on the neighbors trampoline snugged up with me. I melted. 


I still feel awful and ashamed for saying I didn't want to be his mother anymore, but even when I had that on my mind the fact that I love him more than anything never changes., No. And I realize that others here have it worse but I fantasize about not having to deal with the constant daily challenges. I feel trapped because I don’t believe I could ever leave. She’s 8 now. And I’m not sure if or when or how she’ll be able to be an adult and able to live on her own. She’s been kicked out of 3 schools, has lost me multiple childhood friends, lost my friendship with my best man in my wedding, created rifts with close family. There’s no babysitter we can find who lasts so my wife and I rarely get a night to ourselves. She sleeps like an adult and I have to drag her out of bed every morning just so that she goes to sleep before 11pm. If I don’t let her do what she wants she screams, calls me the worst names, says she hates me. And I’m paying $1k a month for her therapy.

I wish someone would’ve told me there was a possibility that this could be my life. I thought that because I worked hard in school, got a good education, great career, high income, work from home, that I could be happy. And yet this is my life., We have a 18 YO NT Daughter at College, 16 YO NTish Son at Junior College & a ASD 3 almost 3 year old who is pre-verbal (knows 12 words now).

I would define our life as very “Complex” our normal looks very different then most people but we are happy. Tons of therapy and as an example we just had our first movie out in 3 years while LO was in ABA.

But he is so very Awesome. Like anything in life the world is ultimately what you make of it. Personal clarity is really the root of happiness., Honestly speaking, having an autistic kid is very hard on  the parents. After my daughter was diagnosed, my life turned upside down. I couldn't go back to work because she is severe. Someone has to take care of her or look after her. She is 5 years old. My husband works full time, and he has financial responsibilities, so he can not help me out all the time. So, now, I am stuck with her, and I don't have a choice. No babysitter or daycare wants to deal with her because she is extremely aggressive at times. My life sucks!!! I cannot work, I cannot go out when she is home (unless my husband is watching her) I cannot have time to myself because she is clingy and wants attention or food all the time. I have become a prisoner in my own home!!! 
She is completely non-verbal and has extreme sensory issues. Respite care is only 20 hours per month in the state I am in. Most respite care providers lack staff to even give you a break. Honestly, I hate my life, I regret everything. I regret getting married. I regret having my daughter. If I could go back in time and change it, I would. I am just so burned out and so fed up that at times, I don't want to deal with it at all, but I don't have a choice. I miss my old life..so, think before you make that decision...life is not going to be easy if you have an autistic child., If you’re having questions like this without kids don’t have them. Simple blunt and to the point., I love my son - not any more or less because his autism. I love him because he's him. His Autism is a DISABILITY  but does not define who he is as a person.

I absolutely hate his Autism. My son is level 3, pre-verbal but in actuality still predominantly non-verbal. Autism is parenting on EXTREMELY HARD mode. Some people will sugar coat the shit out of it but trust, it's not for the faint of heart. Don't let tik tok, Pinterest, Facebook and this other social media fool you. Autism isn't a cute quirk, or a different type of brain wiring. It's a disability that requires, for some families, an insane amount of resources and time. 

If you know you may possibly be autistic, have autism in either of your families then think long and hard about having biological children. It's ""cute"" when it's a 2 minute tik tok or a gushy validation seeking Facebook or even reddit post but when you're looking in the face of a person you love most in the world, who you chose to bring in this world and KNOW they will struggle more than a person who is not disabled it's not so cute. It's not so quirky. It's not AUSOME 🙄. It's more often than not heartbreaking.

Not coming for you, just giving you a perspective from a mother who loves her son more than her next breath but  if I would have known my son would be disabled I would have never ever offered him up to this world. He deserves so much better than what life has in store for him.

Much love., Omg I love my life and my son with autism is one of (if not THE) best part of it. I think jt comes from a partial place of privilege bc we’re dealing w mostly not huge “challenges” rn speech delay and lack of interest in peers. He’s 3 and I know things will be harder as he grows and little kid problems grow into big kid problems. But my day to day life is made better everyday from my son. Nothing makes me happier than seeing him happy and helping to contribute to whatever he’s super interested at the moment (rn it’s letters/the alphabet). Even today I can easily say the highlight was a new alphabet book I got him arriving and him screaming w happiness and kissing the book saying “so happy” after he finished looking through it each time., Wouldnt say happy. But i wouldnt say its because of my daughter either. I just had a child too young and the lack of resources and financing (i make a decent salary for my age but insufficient for where i live). Having children is to sign up for stress, anxiety, depression, etc. to at least some degree. 

The grass is never greener on the other side. 

I dont know what life would be like without her because shes here. And I wouldnt want a world without her. Even if i regret how/when/with whom i brought her into this world., You could ask this same question on a general parenting group and you would find the same varied replies. Not all autistic kids are the same with support needs and not all parents and sibling dynamics are the same. People are going to have drastically different experiences. Also, most people who are happy don’t go posting about being so happy. So you are only going to see venting. I would say the answer is it’s highly dependent on your personality, your kid, financial resources for help, a village to help, etc., Honestly, this is the wrong few weeks to ask me this. So as of right now? no 

There are *things* that make me happy, but on the whole? No., Apologies, I’m about to be the outlier here. And sorry this is long! 

At the moment, no, I’m not happy. My husband and I are pretty stressed out and have been since our daughter was born five years ago. She was only one when the pandemic started so we had the added stressor of trying to keep the baby and ourselves from catching covid. She would have gotten diagnosed earlier if not for the pandemic (for a variety of reasons, including *we had no idea that her behavior wasn’t typical* until she was about three years old, because we were pretty isolated, because stupid pandemic). We thought it was just the terrible twos until we saw what NT three year olds were like and realized something was off. 

We might be in a happier place now if Covid hadn’t happened, ha. The irony is that with pandemic plus a very needy baby at the time, we decided not to have any more kids…but our kid would probably do well with a younger sibling, and it would take some of the pressure off us to have to play with her all the time. 

As of now we can’t go out to eat at restaurants or do normal family things because our kid is kind of a nightmare when I’m around. Pretty sure she masks around everyone who isn’t me, so I see all the less than stellar behavior. She and her dad can go out and do stuff. She and I can’t. She runs away from me, doesn’t listen, screams at me, etc. ABA helps somewhat but not enough that we can do typical family things. 

My advice on having a kid: you should only have one if you absolutely want to!! I 100 percent wanted a child, had IVF to have her, and it’s currently not going as I had hoped (and that’s an understatement). I do have hope for the future, having read others’ stories here about their kids mellowing out as they get older.

You never, ever know what you’re going to get with a child. Having one is such a crapshoot. Usually it turns out okay. Sometimes it doesn’t. You have to be prepared for the unknown and okay with things not turning out how you hoped., My kid is the sweetest kid ever and my favorite person in the entire world. He makes me want to live forever to be there for him. My unhappiness is due to my own mental health, I probably should not have become a mom until I got that in check, but I am, and I have to be better for him., i’m really happy, but my daughter is also low support needs and really only struggles with social skills and is still quite far behind verbally. she’s naturally pleasant and easy going, and she doesn’t display any “extreme” behaviours, so this is probably contributing to my level of happiness. i am sure i would be absolutely crazy about her no matter her level of support needs, but we definitely have it pretty easy when it comes to parenting an autistic child., My son is 5 years old, level 3, and nonverbal. He's the love of my life and I'm extremely happy. I would do anything for him. Realizing that he was autistic finally made me apply myself, I now have a job with good insurance that pays for his ABA at 90% (plus HSA funds for the rest). I've earned two degrees in order to switch careers because I know he'll have high needs throughout his lifetime. That being said, of course the isolation, destructive behaviors, sleep disturbances, and communication difficulties add stress on top of having plenty of stressors in my life already. I do have to vent sometimes, being a parent of a child with his needs isn't for the faint of heart. I don't know anyone IRL who would understand what I'm going through so sometimes I have to whine online., So I can say as a parent of a Kid that has Level 1 and Auditory Processing Disorder.  I wouldn't want him to have kids.  The likely hood that his children would have Level 2 or Level 3 is highly likely.  He's got it bad enough i couldn't imagine having children knowing that they would have it harder than you.  I just don't think it's worth it and it's not fair to the child., The experiences are going to vary widely, but I think the most important thing here is that you are trying to find any sliver of hope to convince yourself to have kids. I think you were clear in your other thread that your boyfriend is the primary motivation behind this. 


I'll be blunt: even now, women tend to do the lion's share of childrearing and housekeeping. In a divorce, fathers tend to fare better than mothers, even years down the line. If you have a disabled child, there's a very real possibility it will impact your ability to work. About 50% of us can't work, myself included. 


These are very real, serious things you need to think about. 


I will be taking care of my children forever, of that there's no doubt. Had I known my husband was autistic, had I suspected I was, we wouldn't have had children. 


Because - it's not fair to bring a child into the world who will always depend on you. It just isn't. If we lived in an ideal world where public education was actually funded and many of us didn't have to homeschool, if group homes were adequately staffed and funded, etc., it would be a different story. But what we're seeing now will still probably be a battle decades from now.  


I love my kids. We have happy moments. My 9 year old can now do a lot more, but he will always need help. But my youngest will be 7 this year and it's becoming increasingly obvious how much more severe his autism is. He's leashed everywhere we go and we don't live a normal life with him. 


I am isolated a lot. It has absolutely taken a toll on my marriage. We spend some evenings together after the kids are in bed, but as the youngest gets up and down, there's always interruptions. We don't have a baby-sitter. 


I have good relationships with my kids - but make no mistake, there is no ""me"" anymore. I have about 7-10 hours a week to myself. That includes showering time. 


This is a very hard life. It'll probably impact you more than a boyfriend or husband. Think long and hard. , I’m definitely happy. My daughter is 20 and nonverbal. She is the happiest and sweetest person alive. It’s not without struggle of course. She’ll never be independent and I’m caretaking far longer than I would have ever imagined. Still I feel so grateful for her. She’s such an innocent and gentle soul. I can’t imagine having missed out on her. I take her out to fine dining places routinely and last year she went to her first live concert and to Disney World. All this took work over years to get here, but sharing these moments with her finally is an indescribable joy. 

That said, we have considerable privilege in that I work from home and my career pays very well. Money is not a concern. Im healthy and young. 

I’m entirely self made and a single parent so I also know the other side of it. This life is easier when you have resources and support and no other significant stressors. But I would say the same thing of having children in general. There just are no guarantees. Typical kids can be physically ill, malicious, destructive, unlikeable, violent or any number of other things., The hardest part about parenting to me is not having any family support. My kids, one is autistic and the other probably neurodivergent in other ways (in the process of evaluating him), are actually quite amazing. Yes, there are hard phases and moments. My hardest moment so far has been the transition to elementary school because my autistic son struggled to regulate his emotions when things got difficult for him. Now that we adjusted his IEP, he enjoys school. 

But I’ve never spent more that a couple nights away from my kids and they’ve never gone a night away from being with me or their dad. The few times they’ve been away from me was when I couldn’t go to my in laws house out of stateso they left with their dad (my hubby). So that part has been hard too, family doesn’t really help daily. They don’t offer sleepovers and my mom always made excuses about it, until I just stopped asking., I am autistic and a parent. I am beyond happy. Most of my life I was so depressed and anxious and burnt out. My husband and my kids changed and saved my life. Still tired but my husband is an awesome stay at home dad retired from the military I work swing shifts 5 nights a week. We have an awesome relationship we had kids after 10 years together. We have one child with ASD and one NT. 18 months away from the youngest starting school and then we will have school days together to ourselves, No. The intense stress is literally killing me. My health keeps deteriorating in new and fun ways, I never know what’s next., My wife and I are both professionals with advanced degrees. Our son was born back in 2017 and he's the sweetest boy you'll ever meet. We decided having additional bio children wasn't for us just because of how hard the pregnancy was. In July we adopted a baby girl.

My son got a tonsillectomy today and has spent the past 3 hours post-op screaming at us and not drinking.

Do I wish certain things were easier (for him and for me)? Of course. Anyone who says ""they wouldn't change a thing"" is painting that overly rosy picture to try and convince themselves. But there has not been a single day in his life that I have ever wished he wasn't here.

Your question tho was ""are you happy with your lives?"". Having a neurodivervent child is harder on your marriage, your personal life and your work life. But I am absolutely happy with my life. My answer would probably be different if I had to stay home all day as the primary care taker because I've found I need to work if even for my own sanity and feeling of self-worth. 

Whether it's something you'd be happy with is ultimately up to you, but I genuinely wish you the best of luck and thank you for your post. Seeing adults with autism having these kinds of debates give everyone of us grinding daily tasks that are harder than they should be hope for their future., I’m happy sometimes?  And not happy other times?  At this point, it’s not really because of the kids, though young children are A LOT, regardless of neurotype. 

Really, I would say I am satisfied and content. If I didn’t have kids I could not have fun infodumping about Pokemon with them and watching them see things I love to do for the first time with happy excitement. It’s really cool. But they’re still people. And so you have to be realistic., I have a very close relationship with my son, he cried so much as a baby and I found inventive ways to soothe him and therefore we developed such a close bond. He’s very cuddly and loving. We do most of the things NT families do, dinners vacations, parks, hikes. We just put probably a little more planning into it than NT families, making sure they have food that he likes, things like that, plan b for I’d things don’t work out. Stuff like that. It’s gotten easier as he’s gotten older and more mature. He’s also very funny and artistic. I don’t thinks I’d change a thing. I have NT kids too and they all have their own challenges that make parenting hard too. I don’t think having NT kids guarantees smooth sailing either. If anything I worry less about his problems with academia and behaviors because I understand him ajd his struggles more than NT kids who just lack motivation or are acting out., No. I have moments of happiness but they’re always tinged with sadness., "" I want to want a kid so badly.""

You don't want kids! You should tell your boyfriend that in very clear terms. Don't have kids because you think you should. 

I have three kids I always wanted to badly and I'm still drained and resentful a lot of the time. Even neurotypical kids are SO MUCH WORK. I'm not minimizing how much work it is to have an autistic kid - but neurotypical kids still don't sleep through the night, go on food strike, poop their pants, throw a huge tantrum about an iPad, etc. It's so tiring even on good days and I can't imagine doing this if it wasn't something I wanted deeply., I am absolutely happy with my life. My autistic kid is actually my easier one! My frustrations are with the world and how it fails to accommodate him — not my kid who is a total delight and surprises me all the time., Nope. 35 m with a son with ASD and likely ADHD and another son who seems to have avoided both. Constantly burned out, overstressed, irritable. Love my kids, and we're doing our best, but happiness feels a long way off., Yes overall.  Most of things I find hardest about our life are more to do with my son’s comorbidities like his epilepsy and disability.  My boy is generally a sweet easy going boy who loves cuddles and tries his best (well most of the time lol).  We also have a typical 3 year old and that is part of our happiness because we can do a  lot of things we envisioned with her and sometimes our boy is able join.  Do I wish things were different with him? Yes, but that doesn’t mean I regret having him.  I love him.  I like him as a little person.  I don’t mind this alternate path a lot of the time., I have a really hard time keeping my house clean but honestly that’s my biggest complaint so I think we are doing AOk and I’m very happy! Our daughter is really flourishing this year - she’s 7 and she just starting wanting to have conversations, she ditched her headphones and has been dressing herself and we’ve had zero accidents! There’s definitely really hard periods but that is life in general, sometimes it sucks, sometimes it’s wonderful lol, I mean, I’m not depressed. Do I wish things were different, yes. But I’m not necessarily unhappy., I have 2 kids, 4 and 2; my 4 year old was diagnosed with autism about a year ago. He’s verbal and “high functioning”, but there are still things we have to work on and cause stress. I’m in my early 40’s, female, and while not diagnosed, I (and my parents) suspect I’m on the spectrum. My son’s temperament, the way his autism presents is so similar to me as a small child. My whole life has felt like a struggle; relationships, work/career specifically, my mental health. I still struggle a lot of with anxiety and depression and was terrified to have children but wanted them so I gave it a shot (made me anxious, I can’t lie). I can say without a doubt motherhood is the best thing that ever happened to me. It’s not easy all the time, but they, these two little humans and their personalities, bring me more joy and happiness than anything life has ever brought me. It feels like a gift to be a parent, in my experience. Many days are hard, I’m a full time working mother so scrambling to meet deadlines while getting my son to appts, ABA, etc, is rough, but my husband is very hands on and other family members nearby have been a support system for us. I know not everyone has that but it is a huge help., Not just that your child could be autistic also consider how you as an autistic would handle any child regardless of neurotype. Kids are an around the clock job. They are loud, they are messy, they need attention even if you are in burnout. They make noise when you need some quiet. They have smells and messy diapers. There’s 0 days of bed rotting allowed and you have way more pressure to be organized and put together and everything cleaned and remember stuff like their appts and school things etc. It’s alotttttttt….

Comparison is the thief of joy. I try not to think what my friends with NT kids are doing because their reality is diff. Their kids are eating a variety of food, they’re not hitting themselves in the head, they’re not melting down over basic things, they’re not in some autonomy struggle where a time out or counting to 3 isn’t effective at stopping negative behavior. And it is isolating to not have people to talk to that don’t offer useless suggestions because they don’t understand., Hi, turns out my husband and I are both on the spectrum, we went into it thinking it was just him (adhd was my dx)

There are hard parts, for sure. I can't say how your experience will be. I can tell you my children are happy, and most weeks so are we. We can go to festivals on the lake, big outdoor concerts, a whole bunch of things. We can't go to a indoor restaurant as a family, the din is too much.
 It's stuff like that; you just have to plan around yourselves and your kids. My kids might have different needs than yours. But I just wanted to chime in and say it can be fun, happy, and rewarding. 

My husband almost never smiled. He didn't really get into much that wasn't his interests. I can't explain to you the joy our children have shown on his face and in his day to day. It's crazy sweet to witness.

That said; agree with other comments. If you don't want kids please don't feel pressured. You get what you get and they need from you in a way that can be hard to manage., I wouldn't change my life for anything. My children give me purpose.
Yes, I'm overwhelmed, so so overwhelmed and burnt out but I love being a parent and I love their quirks and watching them both stim.
I just hope it gets easier managing 2 autistic children who have totally different needs.
I don't have a village to help me, I do 99% alone apart from school. The oldest doesn't sleep good.

If you are unsure about kids then don't let anyone try and talk you into it. Consider what you'd be giving up, make sure your partner is good with kids and especially clued up on potentially having an autistic child (or more than one).
Talk about how you'd raise the child, what values and ideals you want to teach them, parenting goals etc.
The mental load is also something to consider. Does your partner contribute to that now? Because if not it only gets worse when you have children.
I separated before my 2nd was even born because I wouldn't settle for a deadbeat., Firstly- I 1000% agree with prior post. If you don’t have a deep yearning for children, don’t have them. 
Second- my life has many happy moments. It also has many moments of despair. There are times when I feel weighed down by a thousand responsibilities. 
Third- don’t have kids unless you are 100% ready to deal with the consequences of a very low functioning child. My husband and I both know autistic kids from prior relationships. We both love our sons desperately, but it’s not a life I would volunteer for anyone. 
Fourth- it doesn’t end at 18. Are you willing to have a life often dictated by what your child can do? Are you prepared for the financial consequences?

If I had known beforehand that I would have an autistic child, then I would have adopted. I love my son, and that is part of the problem. I can’t protect him from the world. I can only support him. His life will always be a struggle, and that is not a life I would choose for a child, I'm very happy with my life. I was dx with autism the same time as my son. He is my world, and I love him so much that I'm having another in June. I don't even think about our dx most of the time. It's just a part of who we are. My family does better at life than most neurotypical people, so who the hell is anyone to judge me for living my best life?, I'm happy! I had and have problems and stressors, but none of it has outweighed my natural optimism and all the great things my life. And for the past three years, my daughter has been a big part of (both parts of) that. 

Is it a lot of work to keep up on all her therapies? You betcha. But all kids are a lot of work, so that was a given going into this. I have an extra workload, but I was never going to not be busy and tired as a late 40s single parent. 

Do I worry about her future? Absolutely. But I'm also very aware that I have it easier than most - she's very chill, fairly adaptive, and very smart. Happy and bouncing all around like a gummi bear. And once I knew she had receptive language, I was able to unclench. If she's never truly verbal (which her therapists do think she will be), we'll figure it out. She gets her messages across very clearly right now (and I'm basically deaf to body language or gestures, so she has to be broadcasting VERY LOUDLY), and we haven't even gotten to writing or an AAC yet. 

This weekend, we're heading off to Mexico on vacation for two weeks. Last year we went to Disney World. We don't get out nearly enough in general, but that's me being a lazy hermit, not her not wanting to. We go to the playground. The Please Touch Museum. Local fairs and theme parks. Play in the snow. There are places I can't take her (indoor malls, mostly), and things she can't do (fireworks, for instance, or parades). and places that used to be hard to take her but aren't anymore (out for meals springs to mind), but that doesn't mean we're trapped at home., Not happy. Don't have kids., Yes. While kids may be harder some days than others, we live a very peaceful, happy life as a family unit. Both hubby and I find time to pursue our hobbies and even do date nights once a month.

That said, 3-4 were really the hell years for our oldest, and things were bleak at that point., I am incredibly happy. 3 kids, 2 with autism, and a husband that works away from home all week long. It’s hard, sometimes I feel like I’m going to lose my mind, but I wouldn’t change a single thing., I have two autistic kids, one of which also has ADHD. I'm diagnosed ADHD and suspect autistic as well.  Our lives are good.  We do have some challenges that NT families don't, but the way I see it, all families will have different challenges. We do things that work for our family.  Sometimes that means skipping experiences, or different methods of doing things, or needing extra support, and that's OK.  I wouldn't trade my kids for the world. I have posted about struggles in harder times, but it's not that I resent or regret my kids, it's that I know there are people who will understand without judgment., My happiness (joy) does not come from having my children or their fluctuating levels of difficulty. Don't get me wrong - I greatly enjoy my children and I also face many frustrating circumstances with them too. They are a huge source of joy and love in my life, and I'd like to think more so than a source of heartache and frustration.

But I went many years without knowing two of my children and myself are likely on the spectrum (we are not professionally diagnosed yet) and while it's been very helpful in developing patience, understanding, and grace - both with myself and my kids - it has not been the make-or-break factor in determining how my life is going to go. 

Much of the big changes to living a happier, healthier life have been spiritual for me. I know not everyone will agree with me and that's okay. You don't have to. My greatest source of joy is my relationship with Jesus Christ. Everything has gotten better and easier to handle once I trusted in Him. It has put us in contact with mentors and people that are like family to us that are guiding us on this journey (and they have ASD kids and relatives too!).

A lot of this growth has come with mindset changes and getting rid of old beliefs I used to have about children/families that came from trauma and from growing up in a rather toxic household. (We are NC now and I have never had more peace!) Tackling these issues head on has relieved a lot of the anxiety and stress I used to have around managing kids, a house, a marriage, homeschooling, etc. The last 2 or 3 years have been the best I've ever had, and I can finally hope and believe that things are going to get even better for us still. 

But ultimately it's been a choice. Sure, there will be difficult days, stressful days, but also happy days and days to celebrate. I cannot and will not push you one way or the other about having children - that's your decision. Whatever you decide, will you choose to look for the positive or the negative in life? Because your joy will not be found *only* in children or parenting.,  I had no idea I was autistic and now I have 3 very young autistic kids. The stigmatization is very difficult and the constant advocating, standing up for your kids and proving people about your kids are exhausting. I got much more criticism from families than strangers which is very hard. I am lucky my kids appear to be level 1-2 I guess. My older son is pretty darn rigid especially at evenings but other than that he is fine., I’m happy but I do feel I’d be happier if I could communicate and connect with him more. That’s my answer., We seem to oscillate between look at us with our collective shit together and there’s been no aggressions, no one has gotten crab pinched, everyone is CHILL. Then there are times I pick him up from his dad and he bashes his head into the closed car window and usually once I get onto i95, he will unbuckle his restraints and come for my neck quite literally. My son is non speaking, but I feel I fulfill his wants and needs. He is as quick to respond in a loving manner with hugs and kisses as he is to hurt me, or his younger brother. We are his two targets when he is upset. I have remarried, years ago. My husband and son have a very special bond and my husband also just naturally has more patience than I do. He also has four of his own children with his ex wife. The man has experience. My ex husband and his wife have a bad habit of leaving our son out of family gatherings and parties. I can understand going to unfamiliar places with unfamiliar faces. But we take him to gatherings. The pool. The zoo. The park. It’s difficult though since he loves all of those places, I look like a kidnapper trying to get him to leave. 

I love my boys. I love all six of these kids. He does add a level of trickiness to things we do. We have to be vigilant as he will cut and run. I feel like since we share custody, we get a “break”. My youngest son, who as I said is a target oftentimes, does not get a break from his brother. There’s a lot of anger surrounding that. My youngest is in therapy on his own and also we do family work together. 

Some days are better than others. Sometimes I have to go hour by hour. It’s the nature of the beast. Plus he’s almost 14. Imagine being a 14 year old boy and going through puberty and feeling so confused. We explain but I honestly and say what he retains and processes. 

Don’t get depressed over what could possibly be, you’d never get very far. There’s so many variable in parenting and having a family that meshes well. It’s impossible to plan for everything. If you’re thinking this deeply about it, you’re already aware of what COULD happen. When I close my eyes and think of my Parker, I mostly see a giggly goofer with floppy hair that just wants a tickle and some seltzer water. That’s a pretty picture for me to have in my mind., You don’t.  If you do not want kids then you don’t want kids.  If he does then you two have a major incompatibility and likely need to move on to other partners who share the same life goals.   He will resent you eventually for not wanting kids and if you decide to appease him then you may resent him for pressuring you.    I know parents of neurotypical kids that are unhappy and I know parents of autistic kids who are happy with their children.   My ex has 2 autistic girls and is very happy with them.    I find my son to be challenging but not the reason for my unhappiness.  If anything he is the reason I left a horrific relationship my life may not be what I had envisioned for myself but it’s soo much better than it was before., I get told all the time what a dear my autistic child is.  He is smart (reading at 3) , social (have to rein him in) and loves to compliment people.   What I’m unhappy with has nothing to do with him.  He is my joy., Hell yeah I’m happy, Having a NT son first, before my NueroSpicy younger son ended up helping me understand this question. 
I only have boys, but BOTH of them are equally hard., >But are there any parts of your life that are genuinely good.

There are some good parts, yes. Overall I am not happy but that doesn't mean it's ALL bad.

>Are you able to do any of the normal and fun things that neurotypical families do?

Some things, yes. My autistic child is able to handle some activities really well. Strangely, she did amazing at Disneyland lol. She enjoys being in nature so we do a lot of hiking and camping. But other ""normal"" things like eating at a restaurant is usually a no-go.

>Do you have a good relationship with your child and your spouse?

I have a good relationship with each of my children. They have their moments where it's all about dad and they don't want me, but for the most part yes. My spouse is another story, though. Our relationship has definitely suffered since having children.

>Are you ever not burnt out depressed irritable and overstimulated? 

I have brief moments where I'm not irritable and overstimulated but that describes probably 90% of my life., It's ok to not want kids if you don't want them , it's your life . Live it how you want . 
I have a son with Autism and I can't lie at one point I wasn't sure if I could carry on because he was really aggressive and hurting me . BUT that was partly my fault , he can't talk but I wasn't listening . We forget there's a hundred ways to communicate. Once I learnt to watch his cues and listen to him he calmed down so much. He's so much more affectionate and he's happy ! I'm happy ! I love my life now and we work together . I just don't do things with him that other kids do but that's ok . I hated going to the park as a kid and kicking a ball and as someone without autism I love being at home and hate going out so for us we connect haha 
Once you realise that there are so many things you can do that makes you both happy ie we love spinning and chasing each other , love bouncing then you can find things together . But you have to work at that ., My (now 9 year old) daughter is the very best ‘thing’ that has ever happened to me.  She is the light of my life and the joy of my heart.  I’m so amazed by how thoughtful, kind, silly, and sweet she is!  

I’m so thankful every single day for her.  It took us over a decade of trying to be able to have her (on my second cycle of IUI at a fertility clinic).  Life is really hard and messy and beautiful.  She makes me want to be better and do better.  It’s a rocky road but it’s getting better through a lot of hard work.  
Anything worth having is worth working for.

I highly recommend working on your own mental health and your relationship before you try for kids.  Once you have children, everything changes, and it’s much harder to manage self-care.  If either of you have childhood trauma, please address it asap as it is really triggered when you have your own children., It's ok to not want kids. My 3 year old is level 2 and if he makes the choice as someone who's autistic not to have children I'll 100% support him. But as for your question I'm very happy to be the mother of an autistic child and as far as we know a NT child(he's only 4 weeks old). Of course it can be hard especially because I'm bipolar so I get a little wonky at times but I find my life with children very fulfilling but yes over stimulating more so when the toddler and baby are crying at the same time., What does it mean to be happy to you?, I am the parent of a young child (6m). My stress is not to do with my child per se, but rather the frustration of trying to suss out services/resources. 

One thing I have learned in life is that everything is a matter of outlook. I came to parenthood relatively late in life(early 40s). In my 20s I focused a lot on the negative things that happened in my sphere of existence. I was not ready to be a parent then. Somewhere around 29 I realized that s**t happens to everyone. It is just a matter of whether or not one allows that mess to be the focus of the rest of one’s day. It was eye-opening and definitely worked to reset my approach to daily living. I didn’t become a different person, but I did work to be less triggered by things I could not control. 

There came a time in my 30s when a kind of calm just settled over me about becoming a parent and it felt absolutely cosmically right to have a child. I am supremely grateful that I get to discover the world through his eyes and also that I get to help him learn to develop the tools to deal with the world around him. You, OP, may be in an even better place to help your child because unlike me you are also on the spectrum. 

Is it challenging? Hell yes, but the majority of what makes me frustrated comes from external issues, such as the lack of coordination with respect to available resources and the fact that there is no one place to find them.  

You never know who your child is going to be personality-wise, regardless of their place on the spectrum. You could have a typical child that challenges you more than any other child might. You could have a child on the spectrum that is amazingly easy personality-wise., No. Always tired, have had to give up pretty much everything that gives me joy because of lack of childcare, about to have to lose a career I worked hard to build (and is the last thing I enjoy as everything else has been stripped off me) as child can’t go to school, plus all the battles with institutions that should be helping but are not - even after a good fight.
Life is just more of the same frustrations, getting through each day knowing tomorrow will be the same - or worse. The constant threat of poverty due to the lack of appropriate resources to my child and my likely inability to work in the near future because of that. 
The very little engagement I get back from my child after all that. 
It’s lonely and it’s tiring., I haven’t been genuinely happy in years. I can’t remember what joy feels like. I don’t think I can even feel my soul anymore. Sorry it’s bleak!, I’m a “high functioning” autistic woman, with a 6 year old low functioning, non verbal daughter. Her father abandoned us after being ingolved for five years of her life -he was the one who wanted to get me pregnant and manipulated me into avoiding abortion- , he doesn’t pay child support and left me to be the default parent (as always, only this time is worse because I’m almost all alone). My life is hell everyday, and I wish I was dead most of the time., I am AuDHD with two AuDHD children and I would say that I am happy. I’ve always struggled with anxiety and depression and have a massive amount of past trauma, but I’m as “happy” as I have ever been. This life is hard though. Being a parent is overwhelming most of the time but also very rewarding. However, I always knew I wanted kids. Even though it is a very hard life, I couldn’t imagine not having kids. But if you aren’t 100% sure you want kids, don’t have them. If you don’t have a deep longing to have children and feel like your life isn’t complete without them, don’t do it. Being a parent is a 24/7 commitment for 18 years and doesn’t just end at 18. I didn’t know I was AuDHD when I had kids. I’m overstimulated and exhausted basically all the time. I love them dearly though and do the best I can for us all. I would lay down my life for my kids in a heartbeat but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel like I’m about to lose my mind at any given moment. One warning I can give you though, don’t count on having any help. Your bf may be a great person, but 98% of fathers don’t provide half the childcare or emotional support, not to mention the cleaning and running the household. If you decide to go through with having children, don’t do it unless you are prepared to be the primary parent with no support. Mothers often can’t count on family or friends to help either. I moderated a mom support group and the horror stories I read would give you nightmares., im happy for the most part but i think if i had another child, who most likely would be autistic, id lose it and feel regret. my son is only 3 years old and we’ve had a lot of hard moments. its been a real journey navigating this life with an autistic child that the thought of going through it all again makes me already regret it lol. If you don’t want any children, listen to yourself. In the end, moms carry the heavier load of parenting (i know not always but usually) and it can really take a toll on you. i’m pretty sure i’m autistic as well and if i would’ve known before, i wouldn’t have gotten pregnant. I love my son but I think my mind/body can only handle him., I looked at your other post and I think all of your worries are valid. It's hard. It's really really hard to be neurodivergant with neurodivergant kids, but it is doable. I would suggest ensuring you have all of these items in place before having children: 1) a really strong supportive long lasting relationship with someone who understands neurodiversity and is able to support you during tough times 2) other support people and services like housecleaning, babysitting, therapy etc 3) lots of money so you don't have to work crazy hours outside of the home AND parent 4) healthy coping methods like art, music, whatever 5) access to services for early intervention (if needed) for your child., Very happy. Also very appreciative of having a ND child. Has made me a better and more caring, compassionate person, I am truly happy with my life. My 5 year old is autistic and every day she wakes up I tell her I’m so happy to be her mama. We have our challenges but I’m happy and so is my family., It depends on the day. As of late things have been shit as my son has been having self injury screaming fits for bedtime. Both my husband and I tag team restraining him. It really fucking sucks. If it gets worse, we’ll have to call an ambulance to take him somewhere., What really torments me, is knowing that I'm going to die and leave my autistic child behind. He has a lot of capability, but I don't think he'll ever be *completely* independent. Other than that, I think I'm pretty happy. I have a wonderful husband, and we're financially secure enough to easily afford anything we need. 

My son is pretty happy, loves school, laughing, cuddling, etc. He is a lot of work, but he also makes me very happy (as does his NT sister)., Not happy. If I could go back I wouldn’t have had children., I love my life- i have two kids with ASD. There’s a lot of appointments and therapies which is hard but worth it. And a lot of late nights. My husband seems neurodivergent (and by that I mean undiagnosed) and understands our oldest way better and can better anticipate her needs in a helpful way (just as an example- counting down as I brush her hair because “she just needs to know it’s going to be over” and he was right that helps her a lot) I think being a parent is hard and all parents feel pressure to be a perfect parent and maybe that’s more intense when you have kids with different needs especially because you see all these therapists and specialists. 

Everyone is slipping on a banana peel away from a disability- which I mean anyone could develop a disability at anytime and life is unpredictable so I wouldn’t let that hold you back because nothing is guaranteed anyway- even for neurotypical kids. Some people are neurotypical and easy to raise- but still grow up to be jerks. Every person born is a chance to make the world a better place. And if you decide it’s not for you that is totally ok too- there are lots of ways to share that love in your heart without having a child., Very happy! With added disclaimer that I think we have it pretty easy with my 3yo.  Harder than my friends with NT kids. But much easier than many of the parents here in this community. And that certainly affects the experience.

He’s got a few words, getting more, though inconsistent. He doesn’t have trouble telling us what he wants (body language + vibes lol). The harder part is his very limited receptive language. But hey, he has some now and a year ago it was literally zero, so progress.

He is snuggly and affectionate. Silly and sweet. He also pinches and bites me at times (I’ve got some battle scars). And tests limits allllllllll the time.

But being his mom is a joy. It’s tiring and I get overstimulated. But we are one and done, so we can tag out to recharge when needed.  

Which is a key reason I can come here and say I’m happy, and mean it., Yes, I am. Even though my 3yo is autistic I feel I got really lucky with most things. She doesn’t have many behaviors, she sleeps through the night, we can easily engage with her. She’s nonverbal but she has her ways of telling us what she wants/needs. I also have older kids 7yo & 9yo and she doesn’t play with them much but she can tolerate being around them without getting upset that someone is in her space. I thank God for her, she’s saved me in more ways than one and made me look at life in a whole new perspective 🩷, If your sole pursuit in life is to be ""happy,"" you'll be a prisoner of this chase forever.  Raising kids in general is a tough business.  There are so many factors out of your control it's a miracle that they can make it so far, with all the help and village (or lack thereof) to raise them.  It's all about perspective; there will be good times, bad times, ugly times and hard times.  This is regardless of whether your kids is neuro divergent with ASD or any other health/mental/genetic abnormalities.  You have to take a leap of faith and understand your child may or may not be who you thought they're going to be.  For many parents with kids that have ASD diagnosis, it's not about finding the typical happiness of rearing a child, but finding deeper meaning in hopes of preparing their kids for a future that they deserve despite having their disability.  Good luck and I hope you the best in whatever you decide., I love my children with all of my heart, might, mind, and soul. My 9 year old is ND and my 6 year old is NT. My NT kid is just as hard if not harder than my ND kid. And Yes I am happy. Not content but happy. It gets easier as they get older. Not easy, but easier and helping them figure out life and what works is the best and when something clicks for them, oh my gosh. I love when he figures things out. Sometimes he will write notes and it’s like wow you are listening and learning and they are such happy parent moments. He’s the best kid ever (I’m absolutely biased.) and I wouldn’t change our journey because it’s make me, him, his sister and his father better people. We have learned so much on this journey. I love my life. I really do., I often do this thing where I time travel in my head, try to meet my partner earlier, go into a different career, avoid bad experiences or horrible people but every single time I abandon the daydream - because even in a make believe moment I don't want to jeopardise anything via butterfly effect that would stop her coming to me, *exactly* as she is., I will agree with the comments saying don't have kids unless you want them. SERIOUSLY!?! I sometimes think the boomers didn't want children, but they did so because they were supposed to..."" they seem like they hated having children.  I digress. 

In all seriousness,  I wanted children since I was an adult.  I am autistic and my oldest (5) is autistic.  My youngest is very different from my oldest, and we're not seeing any of the signs we saw with the older one of autism. We'll see as she gets older. 

I've never questioned the difficulties and whether or not it's worth it.  I am fulfilled most days,  even though it's tough.  It's easy to complain and vent about the hard stuff.  My oldest had an upset stomach on the drive home from school today and was screaming in the car.  I wanted to start screaming myself from her ear piercing screams.  But then I remember that my parents were quick to anger and quick to violence,  and I'm suddenly happy that my daughters get to grow up in a home where they feel like they belong and are loved and accepted as they are. 

Yes,  I'm trying to give them a life I didn't have,  but I also love the things we do together. We go camping,  we learn stuff together,  I share my experiences, and, although the older one doesn't say it very often,  I know she loves me and nothing even comes close to that feeling. The youngest is in a daddy phase and I can't get enough.  Even if she wants me in the middle of the night or when I don't have much in the tank.

It's hard to imagine a world where you are a slave to their every need,  but once you're in it,  the world you used to live in sewms a little less exciting. I do miss some of the freedom, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. I love it. 

But remember,  if you choose to have kids,  you commit.  There's no going back.  Once you're in it,  you're in it for life. Dive head first and don't look back., This is a bit philosophical, so bear with me, but happiness is relative. Happiness is not the goal to achieve in the end. Happiness is the journey. 
One can choose to be happy no matter the circumstances, and there is joy in little things. You can have the perfect life but still be unhappy, and you can have nothing and yet be happy.

I love my autistic child more than anything, and yet I struggle sometimes, even cry, but I wouldn't change my life, not one bit. I enjoy every moment, no matter if it breaks my back. 

I share this thought knowing that it all sounds a bit holier than thou, and it's not something people who are struggling want to hear, but I know there are parents here who think the same way. This is also something I learned at a young age, but it takes a lifetime to really imbibe it and make it a part of your core.
So, to answer your question, yes, there are people here who are truly happy. There are people with neurotypical kids who are the definition of unhappy. It's all a matter of perspective., I am but my son is still small so I worry about the future. I’m currently pregnant with my second., Just something to keep in mind is your child might have much higher support needs than you do. So make sure you have a lot of support. 

Also I think being am autistic parent is harder in general whether your kid is NT or ND just because of the sensory overload etc 

Do what's feels right for you! The spectrum is so wide, people will have vastly different experiences., Hmmmm. While I am happy, Im in the stage of my life where it is getting kinda easy, but slowly.

Our son is 2, almost 2.5. Progressively getting better! We are extremely proud of his progress, however it is hard. The tantrums, the stimming, not being able to successfully communicate, texture and feeding issues, and his lack of social skills.

Aside from those, I can say we take our son to many child filled events. And my kid sticks out like a sore thumb, to me. To any other parent he’s a cute 2 year old, but we know where he falls short so when he is around kids his age it is noticeably sad for us. We want better for him always, but it is hard to not compare, or wonder how life would be. 

I think as a parent of an autistic kid, you have to really remember the spectrum is different for every kid. Your struggles may not be my struggle, but it does get easier. It just takes time. 

My son did a 180 from last year, to this year and boy has it made life easier in many ways. Still challenges, but hey… progress is progress.

Goodluck, Content and generally happy, Yes - but not blissfully so - we are not Facebook/insta perfect in my household - haha. My SN child is my youngest of 4. Honestly, I can say each kid has their own annoyances and difficult behaviors depending on their stage in life. Sometimes all the kids are difficult all at the same time (or frustrating) and sometimes everyone is okay for a bit, with every combination between. We been at this parenting stage for long time now - our oldest is in college and we just started SN/integrated preschool in the fall for the youngest. 

Some days are dreadful and take everything in us just to make it to the end of a day (or when the day ends after every both of the sometimes insomniac littles finally falls sleep at 5-8am - Finally!! ). And some days are much easier than others, there may be less arguments that day and I just might see the special bond building between the kids, or my almost verbal youngest kid learns a new phrase and those days are when I feel like I'm rocking parenting and my heart just sails. 

My husband and I talk a lot about what if we hadn't had the last 2 kids ( one NT , one SN) and we always agree, we couldn't imaging our lives without them exactly as they are. Yes, I wish their lives would be easier to live through (especially the SN kiddo) but I wouldn't give them up or trade them for an ""easier kid"". We encourage special interests and try to make decisions for each kid based on what is best for them that year regarding schooling and activities. Be weird and unique and learn to laugh at yourself before anyone else has the chance.
We use these mantras to encourage each other....
"" the days (and phases) are long, but the years are so short."" and 
""When you're going through hell the only way out is to put your head down and keep goin til your through to the other side""

It can suck  sometimes, but the good times get us through the bad times. It's life set on hard difficulty, but not impossible mode.

At the end of the day, I make myself pick one good thing to be grateful or happy for so that I can count it as a small win., If you’re aware and prepared to have them then why not? Teach them about mental health early on and educate them. It was only a problem for me because mental health wasn’t talked about with me and my siblings. Break the stigma and educate. You can have bpd and be a good parent with treatment and that being said my oldest is autistic but we suspect our 2nd baby isn’t because he doesn’t have muscle weakness like my first did and he’s already reaching every milestone he’s supposed to be doing. Sometimes mental health issues can skip generations so it’s not even a 100% guarantee each of your kids will have anything. I drew the unlucky straw and got my dads mental health issues but one of my sisters and my brother are mentally well. But in all fairness if my mom didn’t cause trauma and I knew about what I had then I think I would have been fine., I’m content. I’ve been pursuing happiness since long before I had my daughter, but it’s elusive no matter what your life circumstances are. I often thought I have it easier than parents of NT kids. She’s 17 now and it’s not all sunshine and roses, but I wouldn’t say I was unhappy., How old are you? Had i waited until i was in my 30s, i would probably be happy and able to handle a difficult child. I became a parent when i was just entering adulthood.  I was learning to be grown while being responsible for a new life., I'm extremely happy. I love my son dearly and I know he loves me., My answer may vary day to day—even on hard days I’m happy, and even on easy days I can fall into a black hole. But more often than not I feel happy. My daughter will always need help, the world won’t always be kind, but I feel love and give love to her. It’s a gift. But again, ask me tomorrow and I may feel sorry for myself, sorry for my kid, and pissed at the world., Hey mom of two with one ASD son and another that as of now seems to be NT (9 months so a bit early to tell). Autism as my husband and I discovered seems to run on his side and on mine we have a lot of anxiety/adhd. We are very lucky to have an overall easy and happy child and truthfully the luck and support seems to be what makes our life easier. We do have hard days where neither boy is happy or I’m overwhelmed or my husband is. But we make it work and we make time. We have a lot of very supportive family that is always able to watch the boys for us to go and be a couple and just get a break. We did have a hard with our son’s initial diagnosis, but since then we’ve learned to celebrate all of his accomplishments and advancement. We both love our boys very much and care for them, having had them willingly and consciously. Funnily enough our NT presenting child is actually who my husband has struggled with more. So I feel like everyone’s situation is different. We find joy in going out as a family and introducing our sons to new experiences but again all situations are unique since our son is pretty easy going and loves to try new things. At the end of the day I find that those that consistently regret children the most are the ones that had to convince themselves into having them. Children should be a choice that you make enthusiastically. Because it’s better to possibly regret not having had a child than regret having had one., If you would have asked me 2 years ago, I would have replied, "" Hell no! 1 star--would not recommend."" I would have gone back in time and talked myself into sterilization. We almost didn't survive. 

Things are better now, but I am still working through a lot of C-PTSD from the rough years. I still struggle to feel ""motherly"" towards my eldest (17M/lvl3/ in residential due to violence). The little dude (14/lvl3) is alright though. He has his meltdowns occasionally but nothing like his brother and we can handle it. Haven't had to call the cops once yet (for violence, that is...he is an eloper but we have him tagged now). 

I'm glad we made it, but the dark days were baaaad. I'm glad I didn't let the darkness win and end up on the evening news. 

If I knew what I was going to have to go through, then I probably wouldn't have been brave enough to do it. 

I'd be a lot richer too, but that's a minor consideration for me., Happy is an emotion that comes and goes with current factors.  Some days/seasons we’re far from happy. It’s miserable and it feels like we’re in endless darkness. 

Other moments bring unthinkable happiness…my little guy finally catching a specific species of fish he’s been reading about, or finding a giant sketchy snake, or sharing his extreme enthusiasm for Moby Dick.  


Overall, it’s tough. But God made our dude unique.  There are 9 billion people on earth and not one is like ours.  So after the meltdowns and punching and violence and social problems and broken furniture and etc… God wanted us to have him and we buckle up and do what we need to do., Am I happy with my life? YES! I absolutely love my kids. And I have an amazing, supportive spouse who is active in raising our kids. Is our life perfect? Do we get to do everything we want to do? Absolutely NOT. I gave up a lot of myself and hobbies even when my first kid was born and hes not diagnosedwith ASD. 

I used to be an avid snowboarder, some people take their kids at a young age but I didn't, my oldest was a lil slow on milestones but never flagged for autism. I used to camp a lot and go on long backpacking/camping hikes, camping with a little with ASD, not potty trained and prone to eloping would cause me more anxiety than it was worth. Hoping to start going on easy camps again in the future but haven't mustered up the courage yet. We used to go to comic-cons and large social events with our oldest but those things also became too much with a high needs kiddo who doesn't like crowds. I haven't been to see a movie in theaters since before my youngest was born either. 

Kids, whether ND or NT will cause your life to change. You might not be able to do some things you take for granted now. But I'm also quite anxious and over cautious in general. Having kids should be something you really want, and you should be prepared for your life to change regardless of whether they are NT or ND. Never let someone else pressure you into having kids. If you do, you could come to resent your potential kids and no kid deserves to grow up feeling unwanted. Life is hard enough as it is., Tired sometimes, but overall a very happy husband and father. My kid is a double rainbow baby. Two heart wrenching miscarriages before him. We really wanted a child, and we were blessed with a child during probably the roughest part of our marriage. But I swear since he was in the womb he’s been trolling us, and I mean that in a sincere “haha” way and not a bitter way. Parenting isn’t easy. Parenting a rambunctious, inquisitive, autistic 3 year old is probably more so. When I see parents of younger toddlers just walking in a parking lot with their kid just following them and not holding hands I always let out a “must be nice”. 

I’m very fortunate though. My kid rarely if ever melts down. He’s getting better every day with communicating. He goes to school and daycare so my wife and I are able to work full time and he seems to be doing well in that environment. As he gets older things may change but right now I am happy. He is a great kid., Life has challenges by itself, it does not matter if you have kids or not. I had my son until I was 37, because I did not want to have kids, but my husband did, we are separated now and I am with my kid.  Life :)
I was not totally happy without my kid, do not think that kids would make you happy or unhappy.
What is really important is that you be surrounded of a good group of people, that are there for you.  Identify things that you enjoy before kids, so when you feel that you need a me time being a mom, you just have this list of things and ideas that would help you.
Every decision has a new joys and responsibilities, that we were not use to.  If you buy a car you now have to remember to take it to service for oil change, now you can get a flat tire, save money for the gas, you have to clean it, and you can drive farther and see new things., Hi. I don't think you should have a child unless you really want one, otherwise it's very likely you might end up resentful which would be disastrous for both you and your child.

Also there's so many variables with raising someone neurodiverse whether you're neurodiverse or not (My husband was neurodiverse, I have some characteristics but I'm sort of borderline but my father and two of my siblings are most likely neurodiverse). I have four children. My oldest is turning 21 and is autistic (I'm not sure how levels work, but she has a lot of anxiety, is verbal and in college, then i have 17 year old triplets, one who has ADHD and emotional challenges, two boys who are autistic, one is similar to his sister. The other is a lot less self aware, has ADHD.  He didn't start really talking until 4 or 5 but now talks all the time about his favorite subjects.

Some of the following you probably know from your own experience so apologies if i sound pedantic here.

1. How hands on will your boyfriend be?
2. **How much support will you have?** What I mean is state support, community support or family support? I live in a community that considers helping others to be a huge priority. Because of that I had a lot more support.  I don't have much family support as until recently I didn't have family living near me. I live in NYS which provides a lot of support. That makes a HUGE difference.
3. Since it's a spectrum (which you know of course0 **it's impossible to really know how much needs your child would have.** I have it easier because my autistic kids are relatively easy to manage.  Nobody's a runner. Two of them will most likely be able to be independent.
4. This is related to point 1. **Kids have way more services than adults do.** My sister in law lived in Ohio but moved back to NY because when her daughter turned 21 there didn't exist any programs for her. In her case her daughter has down syndrome, but it would be the same for an autistic adult,  a My niece has day programs, also goes away some weekends and has a multiple week summer program she goes to that otherwise my SIL is an empty nester (she's in her 60s) that makes a huge difference in her life.
5. **How was your childhood?** I grew up in a single parent household with 4 siblings (we were 5 all born within six years) for most of my childhood. That helped prepare me for having kids and also eventually for widowhood eight years ago. It doesn't mean life is easy, but my expectations were different than my mom having five children when she grew up with one sibling seven years younger than her with a perfectionist mother.

Okay so after all THAT I'll answer your question.

As a parent I've been overwhelmed in different ways. When my oldest was 18 months she had a seizure. That's not uncommon apparently with autistic kids but I didn't know this until this year when speaking to another parent. Do I regret having my children. Never. That said, I had factors that made it easier. 1. I had a lot of community support. We have an organization for families of special needs that has been amazing. 2. I live in one of the best states for raising autistic kids. That doesn't mean it's been easy. But it's been easier. 3. I had a husband who wasn't always present but very supportive. 4. My kids are verbal, and for the most part easier to parent. That said my oldest has a lot of anxiety about basic living which makes it hard for her to function. Thankfully she's getting therapy. And yet I didn't go on a trip by myself for 16 years. I finally went this summer on a family road trip with my mom, sister and her wife while one son was in camp, my child with emotional challenges was in respite and the other two were able to stay home.

Am I overall happy? Yes. My kids are great. I sometimes haven't been as great as I could be for them especially in the earlier years. I am on anti-anxiety medicine too and see a therapist. I also didn't have kids until i was 32 so I had my twenties to be independent which also helped, but is it hard. Have I gotten overwhelmed? yes and yes. And that's with community support and support from the state., I’m happy enough, I am not happy but I wasn’t happy before kid either. I was able to hyperfocus on my career in advertising and I was incredible at it. It’s my fault, I didn’t know much about mental health at all. Once I had my son and began worrying about him and then the diagnosis, everything became so clear about myself. I am totally burnt out now as my sons primary caretaker, 9 years of no more than 2-4 hours of sleep at a time leaves my cup completely empty. You know when I am happy- when I drop him off at school and have silence in the car. That’s the peak of the day., My son is 2.5 years old and non-verbal. I tear up all the time when I see 18 month old babies talking and communicating so easily with their parents. What an easy life that many people take for granted. They even joke with me “you would wish they would just shut up like yours!” 🙄

HOWEVER, my son has taught my husband and I so much about the true meaning of love. And our patience has been one that’s way higher than it ever was without our son. We also know how to deal with people that are similar to our son and it’s amazing to see.

Kids in general are HARD, autistic or not. In my opinion, it’s harder than marriage itself. But with the right partner, love, patience, and access to the right tools, it can be very rewarding 💕, Yes. I teach kids with autism. I have a monogamous realtionship but will never marry, and I love my life!, I will preface this by saying that my kid is level 2, but overall I am happy. I'm tired and sometimes overwhelmed, but it doesn't feel as if it's at a very different level to other working parents of neurotypical kids. I think every three year old is a little energy vampire. 

It has definitely gotten easier as he has gotten older. He is currently chilling and listening to his Toniebox, and I have been doing some light cleaning. We are going to the science museum in a bit. We did the zoo on Monday, and an Easter Egg hunt last weekend. He's on spring break, but normally he has school during the week. 

I don't know. I am sure there are some unique challenges we are experiencing, and his therapy schedule is intense, but ... It doesn't feel like it is very different to having a neurotypical kid, especially as he is becoming increasingly verbal and wanting more interaction with me.

Again, level 2 kid, so I am not saying my experience is universal., Having kids us hard weather they are NT or ND. But you just love them through the hard times and there will be PLENTY! my 6yo is autistic and I wouldn't change him for nothing. He's the best boy and has made my life better. I have a 1 yo and idk if she is autistic or not yet.  It's hard to tell for sure when they are little but she may have some common early signs.. which honestly.  Nothing could make me happier if she was. I'm just used to doing life like this and always loved helping special needs people even when I was a kid.. so I think I'm just made for this 💪, I’m happy, my toddler is awesome, I’ve got a great support system, and an effective game plan to meet her where she’s at for her life. Are there days that are hard, absolutely, but I’m happy. Now I discussed heavily with my husband that ASD runs in my family before having a child to ensure that we had talked about what the challenges would be and how to best support any child we may have. If you do have a child and you notice missing milestones, fight for a therapy referral. I started talking with my child’s doctor at 1.5 years that she’s showing symptoms of a delay. At two we got her into ot/st and while we’re still showing signs of a delay, the gap is lessening, and I’m very confident she will be an independent adult, without any need for paid long term support. Children can get speech and ot before ASD evaluations comes into play. But if you are concerned about not meeting the needs for an ASD child, adoption is just as valid an option., I'm very satisfied with my life. We went through a really hard time a couple of years back, but that was mostly unrelated to my kids. My soon to be ex-husband was emotionally abusive and manipulative and made my life very hard for a very long time. Life is so much better now. It does help that their dad has them half the time, so I have time to myself. 

My kids are my whole world, and I love them to bits and am so grateful and happy to be their mom. They have relatively low support needs, and we can go out into the world and do most normal stuff. My 5yo has a lot of anxiety, so going to new places is always challenging, but it's been getting easier. My only real complaint is that my 3yo sleeps terribly, and the sleep deprivation takes a toll. I'm hopeful that it will get better as he gets older. It's already gotten a lot better compared to 6 months ago., I’m not only AudHD, I have severe trauma -ptsd, depression, anxiety, hashimotos hypothyroidism, severe migraines, substance use disorder (have been clean 13 years) and other things. I had my son at 33. He is truly the best thing that ever happened to me and my life is so much fuller now and seeing his smile makes me happy. I can say it’s hard but being a parent can be hard at times. I can also say that I am truly happy. I appreciate my child and he is the light of my life. Everyone is different. 

I didn’t think I would have a child either🤍, I love being a parent and knowing that my children have someone they can rely on. 

As I kid I didn’t have that safety/comfort because my mom had 6 kids and was a widow. She worked 2-3 jobs and we hardly saw her, our older siblings were in charge of the youngest. Her time was very limited out of necessity. 

Now as a parent I try my best to be present as much as I can. My eldest has ASD but she’s made so much progress over the last year after starting school. She was nonverbal and would be aggressive and had constant meltdowns to the point of nosebleeds/vomiting. It was very difficult but thankfully my husband was very involved as well. Now she’s speaking, can initiate conversations, asks questions, describes her feelings or surroundings, remembers conversations from other days and is really helpful with her younger sibling. She also knows peoples emotions and is really caring. All of this I something I couldn’t say in March 2023. 

It’s tough but it’s worth it when she says “mommy! I’m so happy I can dance” and she starts dancing 🥰❤️ or “mommy I love you soooo much”, Im in a state of serene pleasure with moments of intense anxiety. Autistic homies can have it go you just cant shy from your problems., My SO is on the spectrum, diagnosed after our daughter was.  I fear for my daughter and the difficulties she faces/might face, but it never makes me love her less.  I have 1NT and 1ND and  let me tell you, you are going to face challenges with any child.  But I fear more for my ND child.

There are also times where I am not able to help her.  I am trying, she is trying, but we aren't connecting in a productive way and that is hard to face.  We are lucky in that the majority of her diagnosis is concentrated in emotional regulation and social development and the physical/mental development is not largely affected (though we have been through 2 years of intensive speech therapy and her speech is behind her ND peers).

We spend a lot of time making sure both kids feel like they have their needs met, often at the expense of my own needs.  I have to have a lot of grace for all of the emotions of everyone in my house while I have to be non-reactive (making me feel like I don't get to have feelings some days).  I get burnt out and most days my self care is just a cup of coffee and my anti anxiety medication.  All of that sounds bleak, but that's the dark side.

I feel very lucky that our daughter has had early interventions which have allowed her to progress greatly.  I feel very lucky that she is verbal.  I feel very lucky that she is pretty much the carbon copy of my husband- who has lead an isolated, but fulfilling life.  And I have hope for my child.  As part of the autism community, I know that we are insanely lucky and that on the more severe aspect of the spectrum, the hope is different, the fears are different, the stress and intensity is different.  I have nothing but compassion and empathy for those families, especially because at the best of times with very mild symptoms raising a child with ASD can be hard and draining.

But I would not change a thing about my daughter.  She has opened my eyes to be more understanding and loving of my husband.  He has been able to learn through her.  We have been able to give her the experience and loving childhood my husband should have had.  She's funny, sensitive, caring, intelligent.  Her presence makes my life better.  Both of my kids are the single most point of stress in my life.  They drive me to the brink and back again.  But I delight in them.  I love watching them.  I love teaching them.  I love exploring with them and seeing who they are becoming.  They are undeniably the best part of my life and if they were to go, life wouldn't be worth living.

I love most parts of my life.  We adjust a bit to make sure that while we do things most NT families do, we have set ourselves up for success. (Telling her exactly what is going to happen, what to do if she wants to leave, which parent is her ""buddy for the day"" and which parent will be in charge of her sister. Paying attention for her stims and listening to her words. Watching videos of what to expect and giving her space to have feelings and a calm down spot when she asks for a break.  And we accept her no.  No cajoling or trying to convince her if she says she'd rather not do something.  Its just, okay! let's not do that!)  We go on planes, to the zoo, to aquariums, out to dinner, to winter festivals and summer water parks.

I have a great relationship with my children who think I am both God and their servant, so basically- Mom.  I have a great relationship with my husband though we both get overwhelmed, burnt out, and stressed.

Motherhood is a complex experience, but its not for the fainthearted.  Its not for the unsure.  The only reason to ever have a child is because YOU really, truly **WANT THEM**.  Because it is absolutely a labor of love in which you will break yourself down and be rebuilt into someone that lives for someone else.  And that's fucking hard.  To be a secondary character in your own life.  If you don't want it enough, you'll develop resentment, and I cannot stress this enough- your child didn't ask to be here.  We owe them everything and them nothing because we chose them.

So, after this long ass post, my answer to you is don't have kids.  I see your BF wants them, but until you are SURE, until you can look at everything everyone has said and confront the reality and understand what you could be getting yourself into and can find the delight and joy, don't do it., So, happiness comes from within.  You have to love yourself to love others.  You create a helpless child, totally dependent on you.  You learn right along with them.  It creates a bond that if you can love, becomes a part of your core being.  But, you will also see everything that you don’t like about yourself in your children. And because they watch you and learn from you, they end up mimicking that. So what you were seeing is a reflection of what they see in you. Also, make peace with the fact that you are a reflection of your parents, and your children will remind you of your mother or your dad. That’s why loving and accepting yourself is key. If you are happy with yourself, you will see children happy within themselves. If you are frustrated with yourself, you will be frustrated with your children., I'm a mom of two.  The oldest is autistic, and I'm currently undergoing evaluation to see if I'm also on the spectrum, which we suspect I am.  

Not going to lie, kids can be hard. It can be exhausting. And venting about it is necessary sometimes.  But man alive, they are also amazing.  I've never experienced love the way I have with my two little people.  I could stare at them for hours and just watch in wonder and amazement. And sometimes I do! And sometimes I want to toss them out the window.  I feel like I get to experience life new again, seeing it through their eyes.  I am in love with the fact that I get to grow old with these people, and watch them turn into adults and have their own lives.  So definitely worth it to me.

In saying that,  it's not for everyone.  If you don't feel like you want kids, that's ok, and it's important to not go down that road if you don't want to. I have kid free friends with happy fulfilled lives who wouldn't change it for the world.  Only you can answer for yourself if it's the right choice for you.  There's no right/wrong answer other than how you feel.  Good luck., It's a weird one. It's really stressful and lonely sometimes, and I rarely get a break (lone parent). But if I could go back in time and change things, I wouldn't. I wouldn't be without my kids, and I do have joy in my life., I am a late diagnosed autistic woman with adhd and I have a 7 year old boy, recently diagnosed.  I love him to bits and he's the best thing I've ever done with my life.  I sometimes question if I made the right decision given the state of the World/UK/global outlook etc, and I often question my ability to parent, but I never question my love for him (I'm a perfectionist and there is a whole thing about being a 'good enough parent which is difficult for me to accept as I want 100%) and I love being his mum.  He is so funny and it's brilliant getting to know him as he grows up and develops his own personality and preferences.  He's so strong willed and confident in ways I could never be, and I'd like to think that at least in part that's down to me being the parent I wanted.  So, I'd say go for it.  Of course it is hard, being a parent is tough, and the lack of sleep can be crippling, but it's also rewarding and fulfilling in ways nothing else is.  I'd say for me pregnancy was the really hard part as you get told endlessly about risk and how many ways in which babies can die, so by the time my son arrived I was a mess and I couldn't sleep in case something happened in the night.... 🙈 being autistic through that process was tough, courses are designed for NTs.  But seeing him grow, and develop into a wonderful, kind, funny, silly, clever, fabulous human being is amazing.  I wouldn't change anything.  I also loved the closeness of baby carrying (using slings, amazing and that baby smell, yes!).... You often get horror stories, I think, as parents are mostly tired and in need of more sleep than they get and that makes them cranky. And it can mean sensory overload as an autie parent, too, but you can find ways to cope.  Sometimes I think being autistic has been my super power as a mum because I became so focused on being the best mum I could be.  Being responsible for another human being is huge, at least it is for me.... so you need to be able to deal with that.  Also, it's a lot easier if you have family or a good support network.  I didn't.... but still here and have eventually found one!  Good luck and go with your heart, I'd say (if we were entirely rational about it, I don't think any of us would have kids, as it doesn't make financial sense and is arguably detrimental to our personal health in many ways, but here we are?!!!  I think it's far more beneficial to us in many other less tangible ways). ♥️💐🖖🏻, I'm happy in my life, yes.

But that doesn't mean it isn't stressful.  I am not on the spectrum, so I don't know what life is like when you are on it.

If you are worried about being overstimulated, then having a baby, whether on the spectrum or not, is something you want to think real hard about.  I hear people on this site, saying because of autism they don't like to be around other people too much.  Well if you have a baby you are with them 24/7. 

If you really want to have a child, but really don't want a child on the spectrum you could look into adopting.  I don't know if that is the right answer, but it's a possibility. The reality is none of us are signing up for special needs kiddos intentionally (except those who choose to adopt them)., I take the “it could always be worse” mindset, Had to check to see if this was the autism page or the marriage page. LMAO but really, lots of variables can make or break parenthood. None of us are perfect, and neither are our kids, autistic or not. Don’t let anyone make that decision but you and your partner., Like Charlotte from Sex and the City said, I’m not happy all day, but I’m happy every day. I’ll say that we are super fortunate to be able to afford a lot of things/help, and our autistic baby is relatively easygoing., It's hard and stressful like you wouldn't believe but I still love my son. Of course I wish he wasn't ASD but honestly, my husband and I like to keep to ourselves and if we had an NT kid, I'd feel pressured to put him in sports and do playdates with strangers, which I'm glad no one really asks us to do. Like someone else said, we bought our village and have ABA most days of the week and even have ABA at school now. We also have family nearby and he's got cousins who are his same age who try to include him in things.

I didn't always think I wanted kids but I'm glad I have my son. I think if I hadn't, I'd always wonder what my kid would be like. My husband and I have a great relationship and if we didn't, I'd probably feel entirely differently. I can't imagine doing something like this alone. BTW, I take meds for depression and that also contributes to my more positive outlook. I remember what it was like without the meds and......it was a black hole like you couldn't believe., I want to say I’m happy but I’m not. Single mom by technicality right now, working full time and then coming home to chaos is really hard. I’ve been sick for a few days, and after my un potty trained boy was sick with Norovirus has pushed me to the brink. Today there was poop smearing when I got home after days of cleaning diarrhea and ruined blankets.  I just had a massive rage fit basically and I can’t tell anyone because I’m ashamed of the state of my anger, the pain I feel, and the hopelessness and then THE GUILT of getting so angry at someone who probably has no clue why I’m so upset because his social rules are completely different than mine. I feel so unloved by my son, even though I know he loves me. And I feel so guilty for getting angry at him over things he probably doesn’t get why I’m so destroyed over them. BUT like so many other people have said, I don’t regret having him. For me, I painfully regret my own inability to be better. Also I’m a teacher and these middle school kids are fucking killing me every single day. That doesn’t help at all. Don’t let anyone pressure you, but there is nothing like being a parent and the love you can feel. Good luck either way., It’s hard. And it’s taken awhile to see more good. You never stop loving your kid though. The reality is autism is expensive. Our daughter is in ABA, occupational therapy and speech. Will your child need these therapies? Who knows. I didn’t know but fortunately we have insurance. I didn’t know there are people who pick careers to help children with autism. So if you want a child then do it. There’s so much help out there and once you find your tribe you will be okay. All of these therapist are my village. We have no one else we don’t get breaks or date nights. But my daughter has changed so much from last year. We get to go out to dinner. We get to go to the fair and to the mall. We will be enrolling her in tennis soon and in August she will start preschool through the state. No one can write your story because that’s your story. No one can tell you how it’ll go. But as a mom I can tell you it’s a beautiful thing to raise a little one. Nothing is perfect with this life and the kids don’t ask for perfect., I am BPD AuADHD and my partner is ADHD and very likely NPD and we had the talk about what if he had ASD but the tricky part about that conversation, even if it’s well intentioned, you have no fucking idea how to prepare for that unless you’re preparing for the worst case scenario. so I thought because of my personal experiences I could guide him but his ASD is very different from mine, so I had very different expectations. Also I went undiagnosed most my life whereas we got my sons diagnosis before 2. My parents never had the responsibility of therapies/behavior coaching that I have had, it’s incomparable. Because my parents still don’t believe the importance of being neurodiverse affirming and accepting, my support system has been inconsistent and made the beginning of my motherhood journey fucking hell. I’ve learned these are the key things to being a successful parent 1) figuring out if you’re emotionally capable and resilient , go to therapy if not 2) do you have a support system in place to maintain self care for yourself , if not could you afford one? 3)can you afford and handle being a parent with ASD child if you split (High divorce rate) 4)do you have family that would look after your child after you expire ? would you be ok not knowing if your child has a good quality life (living independently and having a social life outside of parents)? 4) are you being honest with yourself about the reason why you want a child? You will absolutely have it thrown in your face that you made the choice to have a kid, could you live with that and make the most it?, To reiterate what some of the other people have said, it's ok to not want to be a parent. AND it's also ok to not want to be a parent, with your boyfriend. 

If he really wants kids and you don't, you need to have a sit down calm conversation about where your relationship is going. 

Most people will have been in relationships at some point and realised that they have different ideals or what life will be. It's ok, like most things in life, communication is massively important., It's very hard. One autistic child is difficult to manage, but I think if you have a supportive community that will help care for your child and take some of that burden, then I don't think it'll be just as stressful as solo parenting., I’m happy. I’ve got a good career, happy kid, supportive partner. Things aren’t always easy but early intervention really helped my kid and she’s much happier than she was when she couldn’t communicate. That makes me happier., For me the most helpful thing about this experience has been focusing on it like a puzzle--like several puzzles I'm working simultaneously a lot of the time, but really the idea is to figure out which strategies work, which things need to fit in place to be able to manage it (like, we all do better when I am more relaxed, so things that are relaxing for me get moved to the top of the list; we do better with more sleep and a consistent routine, so things that disrupt that get taken out as much as possible).  I think the frustration comes up for me most reliably when my expectations are so far away from reality--I can get really attached to an expectation or excitement or anticipation for something I'm looking forward to, and if it doesn't materialize like I imagined, it is incredibly discouraging and it's easy to plunge into my life is a misery and will always be a misery because this circumstance will always be with me.  So one thing that I have to figure out is how to ensure that there are things I will enjoy that are low risk of being screwed up.  I feel like it has made me a more emotionally mature person than I was before, like I think in the past I felt like I was in control of everything and because for the most part I was, I was entitled to feel frustrated by the things that weren't to my liking.  But now I am so much more aware of how out of my hands things are, and once I learned to make a little more peace with that (a work in progress lol) it relieved some of that frustration and made me feel like a nice life was actually really possible, and maybe even more important, that I would be enjoying that nice life as a more self-aware, compassionate person than I would have had the opportunity to be before.   I am, for context, a single mom with a level three ASD kid who is 8 and a NT kid who is 10, and we live far from family, including the kids' father.  BUT we have a great school that I never have to fight with, and I have a pretty low stress job with flexible hours where I make enough to outsource some things.   Some of that is luck and some of it is intentional--like I keep this job despite a lot of opportunities to advance and do something more interesting because that flexibility is part of my ""village"" that someone referenced earlier.  When I started to pay attention to all the things that make my life easier it really changed my attitude towards not having a partner or family nearby--like what would family actually do that I can't do in some other way?    Solving as many things as I can in creative ways is, for me anyway, part of the fun and growth of this life, as opposed to just checking the same boxes everyone else gets to check.   I am not sure I would have picked this life off a menu, but I think I would not have realized how much I was missing if I hadn't had the chance to live it., If you have reasons to believe your kid might be autistic and that is something that would lower your quality of life (you are already asking so it definitely in your mind), why not looking at adopting? Lots of kids out there are in need of love, I am very happy. My life is a whirlwind of chaos but the bond I share with my boy is something I wouldn't trade for the world!, Yes, we are very happy!!  Sometimes it’s very hard, but that’s true of life.  I have a great relationship with my spouse and kids.  I have 4: 19, 5 (ASD), 4 (speech delayed but otherwise neurotypical), 1.75 yo neurotypical., I often feel exhausted, burnt out, frustrated, etc… but I love my son more than I ever thought it was possible to love another human and I don’t regret having him at all. There are really hard moments and hard days sometimes, but we have just as many really fun and happy moments and days. We have adapted our lives to accommodate my son, and once I accepted that that was just our reality and not the social media fake perfection, it helped. My son definitely helps me notice and appreciate the little things more. And he’s helped me to enjoy childhood all over again through his eyes., My husband is neurodivergent, our oldest daughter is on the spectrum and her two little sisters are neurotypical. We are for the most part in love with our lives.

He struggles a little with the sensory overload of the chaos of our house (3 kids, 2 adults, and 2 dogs) but we have learned each others bat signals for when we’re going to lose it. A “hey do you wanna go take 5” is our love language.

All 3 of our daughters are fucking fantastic and they make our lives so crazy and so beautiful. He gets our eldest daughter on a really special level and has been instrumental in her ability to love and accept herself exactly as she is. 

All in all I’d say we’re the typical family just loving and living. Sure we have some unique challenges but it just makes it all the more fulfilling at the end of the day. We have a home, food, clothes, and each other. When all the kids are in bed and we can finally lay back we usually just say god damn, we have it all., I am married with 1 child. I would say that I am actually pretty happy in life. I think my life has improved since the times when I was single and childless. It's definitely changed but in a mostly good way. Having a child can at times be over stimulating but the pros do outweigh the cons. I wake up every day to my husband and son's smile. My son will usually put his face to mine and touch my face with just the biggest smile on his face. He laughs constantly and it's beautiful. We do a lot of things as a family too. It does take more time to plan things and get ready to go out but you get better at it with time., To procreate is divine. Autistic kids are difficult to handle, but I honestly can't imagine my life without my son. I think about everything I did before my kid and it all seems so boring and empty. You truly won't get it until you have a kid, autistic or not. Keep in mind too that most of the people posting here are also autistic, so there is a high chance that if your kid is autistic, they will still grow into a somewhat functioning adult, Parenting is a big responsibility. If you are independent yourself and feel like you can raise a kid, then why not?? I am a NT parent of an autistic kid 5yrs. His diagnosis was a shock for us, but we have accepted it now and are as happy as anyone can be. Raising a child is a beautiful experience, no matter how he turns out., I’m super happy. My toddler is ASD 3. He’s in therapy, he’s learning. We’ve gotten to a real good spot where we know what helps and what doesn’t. Yeah we have some bad days but I cannot imagine my life without him! He’s got 1 younger sister and he loves her! I want one more even though I know I could have another ASD child., I could not imagine my life without my ND kid. I love that he’s my firstborn and I would literally not have it any other way. It feels like my kid was always meant to be ND and all his “quirks” make me feel even more like I’m meant to be his mom. Sorry 🤷‍♀️, Now, I will preface this with the fact that my son is currently 3, and does not have a formal diagnosis at this time. He has a functional speech delay, and some other behaviours that point toward ASD, but others that don't at all, and our pediatrician has taken the ""wait it out"" approach for the time being, but I am pretty confident he will end up with a diagnosis of some sort, if not ASD, some sort of processing disorder would be my guess. Either way. YES. Parenting my child comes with some enormous challenges, but my goodness, does he ever bring so much joy and light into my life. We are able to do SOME things families with exclusively neurotypical children do, and other things we avoid, and there are some things where we find a compromise that works for our family. We do things a little differently than what might look typical to most families, but what we are doing is working for us. We have more appointments than most families with a 3 year old (speech, and OT right now), but we are fortunate to have access to therapies to support my son's development. He makes me laugh every day. He makes me feel loved and needed every day. He teaches me something new every day. He amazes and surprises me every day. There is no shortage of happiness in my life; even though this isn't the EASIEST path, it is certainly not a path lacking love and joy., It’s hard. But I wouldn’t trade my son for anything., Yes I am happy- I have times where I feel disappointed for my guy- I hate that his life will be more challenging simply because he was born- but he is so happy and cuddly and is such a light.  He makes me smile all day long- he is the best thing thats ever happened to me.  , Yes. Life is not perfect but I love my beautiful high support needs ASD son and despite our challenges he makes my life better with him in it. For the bad times outside of that I remember that this life is temporary and I pray to God that there is a place in the house of Jesus Christ for me and my family. Thank you God for my boy, I’m really happy! 2 NT teens and one ND toddler. I’m also most likely autistic but undiagnosed. I’m a single parent, gave up work when the little was born as they have other medical needs. So a lot changed, but not necessarily for the worst. Are there hard times? Yes. Are there days I think I can’t handle much more? Yes. But that was the case with my older, typical kids too. That’s ALL parenting IMO. My little is the chillest, most loving child ever. We have a bond of steel, nobody comes close and we have a happy life just chilling out! We can’t do breakfast with Santa, or swimming lessons, or the Easter bunny. But I’ve let go of that because that’s not what my child wants. We do what they love instead (mainly walks, the beach, driving, tickle, chase etc, iPad). They’re also great on holiday, we go away a lot and that’s a big plus for us. 

I can hand on heart say that I’m happy. I wish my child didn’t have potentially rough times ahead in life, but there’s nothing to say they won’t thrive and be truly happy too. We had a ROUGH time when they were born and I’ve watched them nearly die, go through brain surgery , facial surgeries etc so nothing seems hard in comparison anymore. I think my default is extreme gratitude my baby is ok, so that may play a part in my answer. I also think the nature of these forums is that people reach out when they’re struggling so it can seem like having an ND child is all doom and gloom. And I’m not taking that away from anyone who struggles, my heart goes out to them. But remember it’s not a given that it’ll be that way :), You might not want to do all the fun things everyone else does. You'll want to do your own version of fun. 

As an autistic parent you'll be able to understand and advocate for your children, both ND and NT, in ways others can't., I’m very happy, is having a child hard sometimes? Definitely but the pros far outweigh the cons. My child is funny, happy, energetic, creative, gentle little guy. I love his personality, I love his way of doing things, I love the ways he shows his love! The first couple years were the hardest for me (not because of him) but the drastic change to my life and how I liked things done was very hard for me. I settled into the new routine eventually and I’m so happy now. I love my family and I love my child!, Imo happiness is a fleeting emotion like sadness or anger or whatever else. It comes and goes. It's a mood. I do have plenty of happiness in my life, along with frustration and exhaustion and sadness, just like anybody else. Each one has a time and a place. I think the more important, more constant feeling is fulfillment (or lack thereof). Happy or sad or angry, I'm still always fulfilled by my life and my family. I'm glad my 3 kids exist. I feel lucky to be their mom. I love that they're each a little walking/talking (or babbling lol) embodiment of my and my husband's love for each other. 

Sounds cheesy, I know. I don't really say this stuff to anyone, but since you asked I figured I'd give the whole answer haha! 

But also, if you don't want kids, you don't have to have them. What is fulfilling for one person is hell for another. Can parents of autistic children be happy, fulfilled? Yes absolutely. Whether that'll be the case for you is really only up to you though. 💜, Yes, we’re happy! My 4 year old ASD daughter is so much fun! She loves to hike, work in the yard, she’s curious, she loves to snuggle. She doesn’t talk often, but when she does she is hilarious! Yes, our daily life looks different- we have to make sure she’s getting adequate sensory input to stay regulated- but we have fun.  For me, the main sources of stress are having to fight to get her into services (already having to plan out summer months and next school year), I wish she’d have more interest in her little sister, it’s frustrating seeing her do something once and then refusing to do it again, and, the biggest one, not knowing what she will be capable of as an adult., I’ve experienced grief and hardship in my parenting journey but my life is infinitely better with my daughter in it. She’s a goofy ball of energy who makes people smile everywhere we go. Shes affectionate, happy, and curious and I learn from her every day. I think happiness is complicated. I wasn’t happier before I had my child. I’m not sure I can say I’m happy now either but I experience plenty of joy and much of it is because of her., My 3yo (ASD) and 1yo (NT) daughters are the light of my life. Autism is not easy but it comes in so many different forms and waves, so some days are not so great and others are the best days we’ve ever had as a family. My daughter on the spectrum is quiet (when she isn’t singing haha) and sweet and introverted. She loves singing and drawing. She is truly a gift in that she is easygoing and agreeable most of the time. There is a lot of work and effort involved on our part as parents because we want to and do work toward providing her as much support and services as possible so that she can learn to communicate more and thrive in her new preschool program. Raising her and being tuned in to her needs was all we knew until her sister came along. My younger daughter is an energetic extrovert. I often consider parenting her to be on easy mode because she sleeps like a rock and I am far more familiar with teaching someone socially motivated who learns by copying/mimicking. That said, she is much more vocal, opinionated, and likely to get into “trouble” - ie getting into things she shouldn’t and testing boundaries. In this respect, she is not as easy to parent as my firstborn. Each has their quirks and strengths and weaknesses. Both fulfill my husband and me in their own way.

Being a parent is the best thing I’ve ever done. I find so much joy in our girls and who they are becoming and I absolutely wouldn’t change a thing. I wanted kids my whole life. I grew up with an ASD sibling, it initially made me apprehensive about having a child with ASD, but this is due to my own shortcomings rather than any potential heartache or distress brought on by having children. Every child, neurotypical or divergent, is different, and everyone will have a different experience. Whether you roll the dice or not, I wish you confidence and peace in whichever choice you make., I’d say you can be burnt out and depressed even without an autistic child! I have 4 children, 3 who are autistic! Life can be crazy and there’s days I can’t catch my breath but I don’t know who I’d be without my kids!, I love my kids. I love seeing them excited to jump in bouncy houses, ride rollercoasters, swim, line things up in the sand at the beach. I love coming home to their laughter, their excitement. Sometimes it’s difficult, and I vent. Even parents of NT kids struggle, parenting can be difficult. If you want a kid, prepare for it, plan what you want to do with this child. Give them the love and childhood you want to give them., Not gonna lie, my life sucks, I’m not happy and I struggle to get through the day.

With that being said, I have no doubt at all that all my current struggles would be worth it if in two decades my son is doing what you are doing right now.

Since you asked for it, my advice for you is to have children with your boyfriend., This is a good point! None of us can tell you if *you* will be happy with kids, be they autistic or not, I 10000% agree. I am content and fulfilled because I always wanted to be a mom and had my kid when I felt like I had done all the things I wanted to do in my 20s (studied, traveled, etc). I also knew going in that being a parent was going to involve sacrifice and I felt ready. If I had had my kid any sooner, it would’ve been a tougher adjustment. I’m personally very happy with my kid. I don’t compare him to neurotypical kids. I also celebrate what makes him unique, and I think he’s so cool and sweet and fun and interesting. He’s also so smart and a motivated learner, and it’s been fun learning about his special interests. But my life involves zero time to myself, lots of work on regulating my emotions, high stress when my kiddo is having a tough day, lots of worrying about the future. My husband is an exemplary dad and partner, and even with all these wonderful things, there’s still a high level of being needed, lots of stress to manage, appointments to juggle. All of that to say it’s okay not to want kids, it’s okay to want to wait a good while until you’re sure you’re ready, and it’s important to take the time to be sure that you and your partner can work together and are on the same page about kids., I didn't want kids & am Bipolar; knew I shouldnt.  In a Manic Moment, a coworker came to work on Endorphin High after his wife gave birth & said it was Best Feeling in World.  I got PG that night, first time ever w/o birth control, at 34.  Dr called me Test Positive @ work.  I loaded copy machine cartridge backwards & it trumpeted like an Elephant.  That F\*\*\*\* A\*\*\*\*\* coworker never even congratulated me on PG.  I often wondered how his kids turned out.  My son is Estranged from me, Aspergers, and today is my 70th birthday.  I regret having them.  My life went downhill.  More trauma than happy memories.  Sorry to be honest but this is anonymous.  My mother should not have had me & I should not have had children.  My half-sister's one child turned out real well but we're estranged., 100% agree with this. It's something you and your boyfriend need to have a serious conversation about. Sounds like you're completely opposite in your desire for a child. And that's completely ok, he's either going to see your point of view or you go your separate ways. If you decide to stay together, it's a possibility that down the road you find that desire to be a parent, but you can't let him dictate that. 

To answer your question, my wife and I are overall very happy. There's the money struggles with having a neuro-divergent child with expensive therapies, but aside from that and the occasional burnout, it's pretty smooth most of the time. The most frustrating part is that our non-verbal three year old daughter can't easily tell us what she wants, needs or if she's hurt but we're working on that every day and I'm confident we'll get there. One thing we decided when she was around 2 1/2 is that she will be our only biological child so that we can focus solely on her needs as long as we have to, and if we decide down the road that we have a desire to expand our family, we will adopt an older child., or coerce/baby trap you, *Statistics in study after study show that the happiest people are single childless women.*

Why are they also the women most prone to alcoholism and suicide?, Can you give any advice on building your village?, I’m so sorry it’s been so hard.  That’s especially tough when there are limited resources, both financial and emotional.  You are a good parent, doing what you can and putting your kid first.  Society doesn’t make it any easier. Are there other services available in your area, to support low income parents, for example?, I’m incredibly sorry for your experience, could she qualify for TERFA or low income Medicaid? That could help with the gap in healthcare coverage. Also with Medicaid, if she’s having feeding difficulties, a doctor could prescribe her nutritional shakes, and hopefully that could free up some income for your needs as well., Very similar situation here. 

There are definitely times that I find myself wishing things were easier. But how do I know that having an NT kid would solve all of my problems? right now things are easier with the little one, but that could change in the future.

The bottom line is that it’s hard to have kids. Whether or not they are autistic, or born with some rare illness, or completely healthy and NT, it is just hard., Yeah I'm also very happy with my autistic and intellectually disabled daughter, she is a delight.  I know I'm lucky she doesn't have many behavioural issues that are really hard to deal with that I see a lot of parents vent about here.

I really feel for those parents.  The ones who aren't getting any sleep, who get hit by their child and deal with constant screaming.  I feel bad for the poor kid too who is obviously struggling to live in a world that can be physically painful for them if they have sensory issues etc.

But my daughter is happy, and that's all I ask for. 

I wrote a post about my daughter here:

https://www.reddit.com/r/Parenting/s/ghYOcewxqr, I love this. I feel the same way. I said to my partner if I had to re-live the same decade of my life over and over it would be the birth to 10 years of my kids. No question., I didn’t consider autism was something that would happen. I thought it happens when you gave a baby in your 40s not 27. I was an idiot. If I’d have known then what I know now I wouldn’t have had any even my probably NT one. It’s not worth it. It’s not a life I wanted to give my child. He has no future, nothing to look forward to. There’s no point to my life either., This.

I see a lot of ""very happy"" and ""wouldn't change a single thing"" replies so far, but the fact you guys are here already says a lot., I actually relate to this a lot.  Maybe not every detail, but mourning what could have been - missing my life before having a child - those are all huge for me these days.  My son is 2.5 years old and we're just now starting on this path together, maybe I'll feel different down the road.  But it's hard right now., I agree, I mourn my old life, freedom to do as I pleased, no worries and the future to look forward to, getting up when I want to, having a job and money, not having to attend meetings at school and having to jump through hoops given to me by people I have little respect for, being threatened that my kid isn't welcome at the school unless he shapes up. The list is endless. Sometimes my life feels so joyless. I think staying childless would've be far better. I didn't suffer any miscarriages nd I'm sorry for what you've been through. My son was born extremely premature and that's when my life went pear shaped., This. 

I have two autistic children and one NT. Oldest is NT and the middle child- we didn’t even know it was autism until I was already pregnant with the 3rd. Had I known that it was autism and that it’s very likely future children could have it, I would absolutely 100% not have had a 3rd child or even the 2nd one knowing it is likely genetic. The third child is severe and I am a caregiver for him. I have no life. 

Op, I didn’t want a 3rd kid. I told my spouse after the second child that I couldn’t handle another child like her and that I would end up in a looney bin if we had another like her. He just kept saying it’s not going to happen over and over and I gave in. Well guess what? Now I’m a caregiver and the third child is 10x worse. Are you prepared to become a caregiver or listening to possible screaming all day long, not being able to go anywhere, spending all your days driving your kid to back to back therapies? What if you and your man split? Are you prepared to be taking care of a child like that alone? It’s a lot of things to consider and I WISH someone would have given me the harsh reality heads up like you are getting on here. Do I love my kids? Absolutely. They are my kids, I created them. But I’m not going to sit here and lie and say oh it’s so great just take the chance. 

The thing I feel most guilty about is my NT child missing out on so many life experiences bc we have had to leave or avoid things due to the autistic children and their needs. I try so hard to do special things for my oldest when I can and she is so understanding but I feel like such a shitty parent or like I’ve almost ruined her growing up experience 😞

My spouse always said, if we have another I’ll help, I’ll promise I’ll help. He doesn’t help. It’s all on me all the time. He works and brings in the money so that’s all he thinks he needs to contribute. He goes out with friends and does his thing and I’m stuck home with the kids. There are many mommas like me. I don’t want you to be one of them if you don’t need to be. Really take time and think about what YOU want., r/regretfulparents is a good place for support and venting without judgement., Also it stopped being ""cute"" once they hit puberty and being stronger than their parents., This experience varies widely depending where on the spectrum your kid is. My sons 5 not conversational has tons of energy and impulse issues and we do things like social skills group that leave my scratching my head why some of the kids there are in therapy. 
All kids have challenges, some autistic kids are more challenging than others., To answer the rest of your question - we had a second child right when we realized son might be autistic and we started receiving services. I do carry some guilt that his baby sister sometimes has to play second fiddle bc of his needs. I try my hardest to schedule his therapies around when they won’t impact her schedule, but know this will get harder as she gets older and has her own commitments. 

My husband and I are still obsessed w eachother! We’re both tired and done some days, but o think that would happen w any toddler and baby to care for. 

Yesterday my son had a huge freak out at the library and it ended w us both crying on the way home. But that’s an exception, not the rule. 95% of the time we do all the things we want to do and he can hang and enjoys it. And if he can’t, that’s okay and we go with the flow., We've had night terrors, days where one is sreaming the whole day, days I sat and cried with my kids because I can't and they can't.. it's not all roses. I'm still glad I chose it., 💯!, Hey thanks for that brushing hair countdown tip! Why didn’t I ever think of that! Lol! My ASD 9yr old girl HATES having her hair brushed due to sensory but she LOVES timers and countdowns! This is going to be a huge game changer., And of course only if YOU want to and YOU would be happy if you did. My babies mean a lot to me and make me really happy despite the challenges I face. I would do anything for them and I’m happy I get to see their little faces everyday, Same- I always wanted one but it didn’t happen and I gave up that dream. Then it happened!, Lmao . Funny how you easily take accountability for having a child when you shouldn’t have but don’t seem to take accountability for addressing your mental health while being a parent. BP requires consistency of self care and routine just like ASD, and as someone with a similar situation it’s irritating hearing your excuses., I would love to see the actual statistics to back up your statement., Sorry, but I don't believe that at all. They will need a much larger sample size to convince me women are happiest when they go against their instinctive maternal nature.  

I know many older women who have regrets choosing their career over a family., Right. Shit gets to be a lot some days but at the end of the day I just wanna hold him when he’s asleep and stare at him. Genuinely love him more than life. He’s a lot. But he’s mine., This rings so true!! Well stated. I wish I could get my point across as eloquently., My tiny is 4yrs old and even with the chaos at times, I could stay here forever. We sit together and put marble run mazes all over the living room. We both love setting them up. And legos. And drawing. And bike rides. She’s my little bestie. 
To answer OP, nothing is ever the same, but not in a bad way., Hi,
Yeah autism is often said to be the result of having “older parents”, which I am, but I’ve heard of plenty of twenty somethings who have children on the spectrum, so more likely it runs in families.

I am learning how to get better at my own stress management, but it will take work.

Do you get any help at all? You both have futures, I know it’s hard to think, but you can help your child and yourself. :), Relatable. I often feel like I’m not cut out for this., wanting support and community doesn’t mean that you’re unhappy. It’s fine for the group to have room for both!, LOL I see some sour grapes here. I can be very happy and also sometimes want to ask a question to people who have hit the same issue before., Does it? Getting and giving advice about unique kids means we are miserable?, How does finding a relatable and helpful community = unhappy?? It’s like joining a planting club. You can be friends and socialize at the club meetings AND provide insight on why my plant isn’t growing. Maybe it needs shade when I’ve only been giving it sunlight., It's a parenting advice sub Reddit. If you are on a gardening subreddit it's not just because you woke up to day of the triffids., I just think it's feeling like you have to say the ""right thing"". Even here.

I also think plenty of people use ""happy"" instead of ""content"", which I could buy., I'm trying to stay positive since 2-5 are some of the hardest years but it's not a guarantee my son will make progress - which is something I have to emotionally prepare for, Here's a sneak peek of /r/regretfulparents using the [top posts](https://np.reddit.com/r/regretfulparents/top/?sort=top&t=year) of the year!

\#1: [The painful realisation that I could be living my childfree friend's life if I didn't give in to marriage and kids. I miss my freedom so much.](https://np.reddit.com/r/regretfulparents/comments/149u6l0/the_painful_realisation_that_i_could_be_living_my/)  
\#2: [I FINALLY exploded on my mother for her constantly badgering me to have a baby.](https://np.reddit.com/r/regretfulparents/comments/14kjsnw/i_finally_exploded_on_my_mother_for_her/)  
\#3: [This type of mental gymnastics can be so so harmful. Did you ever had to deal with a person like that in real life?](https://i.redd.it/z63r4j2jgndb1.jpg) | [113 comments](https://np.reddit.com/r/regretfulparents/comments/1575vs9/this_type_of_mental_gymnastics_can_be_so_so/)

----
^^I'm ^^a ^^bot, ^^beep ^^boop ^^| ^^Downvote ^^to ^^remove ^^| ^^[Contact](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=sneakpeekbot) ^^| ^^[Info](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/) ^^| ^^[Opt-out](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/comments/o8wk1r/blacklist_ix/) ^^| ^^[GitHub](https://github.com/ghnr/sneakpeekbot), I hope it works!, It’s funny how sometimes life works out that way. I met my husband when I wasn’t looking for a relationship and here we are! So glad your dream came true :), Sure, hereya go!

[https://www.bu.edu/sph/news/articles/2023/women-without-children-at-age-35-are-at-highest-risk-of-binge-drinking-alcohol-use-disorder/](https://www.bu.edu/sph/news/articles/2023/women-without-children-at-age-35-are-at-highest-risk-of-binge-drinking-alcohol-use-disorder/)

**""Women who turned 35 in recent years, as well as women who have not had children by age 35, are the subgroups of women at highest risk of binge drinking and having alcohol use disorder (AUD) symptoms.""**

[https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamapsychiatry/article-abstract/496069](https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamapsychiatry/article-abstract/496069)

***""Women who had never married exhibited higher relative risks for suicide than married parous and married nonparous women for all age groups younger than 65 years at the start of follow-up.""***

***""Among the married, the parous women had lower relative risks than nonparous women for all ages.""***, I get quite a bit of help actually but unless something will make it go away then honestly it just feels like all our lives are over. Nothing can make it better., If not then this happy parent will bounce, LOL, Have I ever been happy? No. Does my daughter make me more happy? Yes., I appreciate you providing the proof for your statements, but if you read the whole papers that these come from, there is much more nuance than your statement suggests. 

This still doesn't mean that you should allow anyone to push you into having kids., Maybe the ones who make it to 65 are happiest?  I imagine societal pressure is strongest at younger ages, and less and less people give a shit as they get older., I’m sure the happiest single people are between the ages of 18-25, Valid, I am. I mean, it’s hard. Not gonna lie. But my thought is that life is usually hard in one way or another and though I’m not autistic I am totally blind so I’m no stranger to finding my own way through the rough timres., I’m so unhealthily stressed it’s insane. I love my son but this life isn’t for the faint of heart., The one thing no one has said, but I think is more important than anything else; if you don't want kids, please, please, please don't let anyone talk you into, bully, or shame you into having kids. 

There is absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting kids or deciding it's just not what you want for your life no matter what the reason is. 

Statistics in study after study show that the happiest people are single childless women., I’m happy, but more stressed than I would be if my son wasn’t autistic. I have 2 kids 5 and 7. 

My 5 year old is verbal but not conversational. It’s been a long road of getting kicked out of daycare, scrambling for childcare during school vacations, getting calls from teachers. That stuff is all what gets me stressed more than my actual kid. The rat race of it all. Never ending therapies and appointments. Everything is just harder like doctor appointments. People constantly trying to figure him out when in public. 

My 7 year old is typical. We live a pretty “normal” life. My older son plays lots of sports. My ASD one is easy going places. We do the movies, trampoline park, went to Disney. He goes to his brothers games. We go to the beach and pool, go on vacation, stay in hotels, fly on planes. No issues. Everything is pretty typical except the language delay. I think if that could catch up life would get a lot easier. I work from home which helps but I can’t have calls when my sons home. Even though he’s almost 6 I can’t tell him to be quiet while moms on the phone he doesn’t understand. 

My son isn’t interested in peers but that part doesn’t bother me. My older one is extremely social so we get that experience. Me and my husband are introverted so are more in line with my ASD son than the older one. 

I’m constantly burned out but not just because autism. I work full time and my husband has a crazy work schedule, we don’t have much family help, 2 kids therapy and sports  schedules, I’m in the middle of taking the cpa exam. Life’s just always crazy, but I know that my kids are my purpose and do it all for them 


I wouldn’t change it for a thing though, I love my guy., Autistic solo parent as well. If I didn’t have the resources to hire help I’d likely be depressed. I bought my village and it’s worth every damn penny., I have moments of pure joy. One of them was today. My son and I spent two hours playing at the ocean and on the forest trails. That was a happy time. During that time I was not burnt out or overstimulated. These moments don’t happen everyday but when they do, they have a way of balancing the rest., I might be a much needed person on the other side of the grass, but I'm incredibly unhappy. I have depression and due to my job, insurance isn't readily consistent, so I can't get therapy or medication, so I'm boarding alcoholic so I don't kms. I'm also autistic and the loud  noises my daughter makes triggers me, I don't like that it's hard for me to stim around her, she's too needy and requires attention that's hard for me because I often disassociate. She's low functioning.  She affects my sleeping and eating routines to cater to her. I have limited income, and we have differing pallets. So almost all my food money goes to her food, often leaving me for days without eating regularly. 

 My daughter is lovely, but society is not. The stress of what will happen to my daughter if I die. The stress of constant therapy, not being able to participate normally in activities like Christmas, halloween, and Easter due to my daughter sensory issues and tantrums. Not being able to talk to her. She can't  tell me she loves me or gives me affirmation. She cant tell me im doing a good job.  Constantly feeling like a failure as a parent.

I'm straight up miserable. I wouldn't wish my life on anyone. I lowkey gave up on my life, but I try to give my daughter everything I can. She's lowkey spoiled because I know life will be hard for her. And if I knew it would be this hard, I would've never had her. My life was 100% easier without a kid (asd or not). I find being autistic makes parenting a bit harder. I dont like how people will treat her in public when she stims or needs extra support. It stresses me out. Not for me but for her. I love her so fkn much im ashamed I brought her here. I wish our society was kinder to disabled people and kinder to parents., Yes I m very happy! My husband and I make lots of time after our kids go to bed for sex and emotional connection/conversation/quality time so we have a good relationship. I’m the primary caretaker of our 5yo (ASD) and 1yo (typical appearing). We have been extremely luckily that our son is a happy little boy. He’s nonverbal but for the most part he’s really chill. We follow his routine and he’s happy as can be. Lots of hugs, eye contact, face smushing, snuggling. He communicates as best he can and I can usually understand and my husband can usually figure it out 60-70% of the time. We do some “typical” family things like go to all inclusive night at our local museum, family photos, go trick or treating, go to the park. He tends to stress out if it’s too out of the ordinary like someone’s house or a restaurant so we don’t do that but we also have a literal baby lol. We live happily in our bubble. We love our kids. And more importantly we like them and their personalities.

Edited to add: I often get overstimulated but that’s where we communicate hey I need to tap out., Autistic single parent with level 2-3 autistic toddler. Like any aspect of life, there are ups and downs, but I can’t imagine my life without this kid. There are struggles but my overall quality of life and life enjoyment increased exponentially. It is the adventure of a lifetime 🌈❣️, No, I’m not happy. It’s been hell. I love my kids, but if I could make my older son be low support needs/verbal autistic or even NT, I would do it in a second.

But all I can do is my best and try to build superhuman patience., I am but my kid is 9 now and it has gotten a lot easier within the past year., Nope., Yes, very happy. People post when they have stuff to complain about. I spent all day on Sunday with my little dude. We spent a ton of the lay laughing and just joking around in our own distinctive way. It was a great day and nothing out of the ordinary. I didn't post about it because...well, why would I?, Honestly, I feel bipolar with how up and down everything is. A lot of times I'll say ""I hate my life"" but it's really a shorthand for ""I hate that this is currently my life"". I mourn the life I used to have, and sometimes I regret insisting to my husband that we should try for kid(s). I think about the life I could have had were it not for my miscarriages - would I still have had an autistic child? I don't know, and I probably need professional help to work through my losses (regarding the miscarriages, the life I could have had, the ""normal"" life my autistic child could have had, etc.). 

I'm still able to find joy in smaller moments and try to look forward to things in the future - just trying to survive this season of life., Had I seen this question a few days ago or maybe even a few days from now and I would have given you a different response, but no. Absolutely not.

I really wish I wasn't his mother. I love him so much but I wish he wasn't mine. Someone else could probably be a much better parent than me. It is just a feeling of constant failure no matter how hard I try it's never enough. I know it's not fair to him but I'm starting to resent him. And I hate myself for it. I hate that the only way he pays me any attention is if I bark at him like a drill Sargent. I hate doing it but if I don't then he is just 100% feral. We can't go to the park. He has no sense of danger and it hurts so much seeing kids so much younger than him just miles and miles ahead of him. I don't feel like a parent, I feel like a keeper.


Edit about 24 hours later:

I debated about deleting this comment due to the pure shame I feel about having written it. I'm going to leave it up because I want others who might feel like I did yesterday to read this part too:

I was able to get a good night sleep, and so was he. His behavior isn't really that much different than when I wrote the comment,but my tolerance threshold is much higher now that I've had some time to sleep. I was overjoyed earlier today because he finally wore his ear defenders outside and he was able to play while the neighbor mowed his yard. He bamboozled me today by putting on his boots and picking up his tablet and a blanket. I picked up the keys thinking he was asking for a car ride but he ended up taking me outside because he wanted to nap on the neighbors trampoline snugged up with me. I melted. 


I still feel awful and ashamed for saying I didn't want to be his mother anymore, but even when I had that on my mind the fact that I love him more than anything never changes., No. And I realize that others here have it worse but I fantasize about not having to deal with the constant daily challenges. I feel trapped because I don’t believe I could ever leave. She’s 8 now. And I’m not sure if or when or how she’ll be able to be an adult and able to live on her own. She’s been kicked out of 3 schools, has lost me multiple childhood friends, lost my friendship with my best man in my wedding, created rifts with close family. There’s no babysitter we can find who lasts so my wife and I rarely get a night to ourselves. She sleeps like an adult and I have to drag her out of bed every morning just so that she goes to sleep before 11pm. If I don’t let her do what she wants she screams, calls me the worst names, says she hates me. And I’m paying $1k a month for her therapy.

I wish someone would’ve told me there was a possibility that this could be my life. I thought that because I worked hard in school, got a good education, great career, high income, work from home, that I could be happy. And yet this is my life., We have a 18 YO NT Daughter at College, 16 YO NTish Son at Junior College & a ASD 3 almost 3 year old who is pre-verbal (knows 12 words now).

I would define our life as very “Complex” our normal looks very different then most people but we are happy. Tons of therapy and as an example we just had our first movie out in 3 years while LO was in ABA.

But he is so very Awesome. Like anything in life the world is ultimately what you make of it. Personal clarity is really the root of happiness., Honestly speaking, having an autistic kid is very hard on  the parents. After my daughter was diagnosed, my life turned upside down. I couldn't go back to work because she is severe. Someone has to take care of her or look after her. She is 5 years old. My husband works full time, and he has financial responsibilities, so he can not help me out all the time. So, now, I am stuck with her, and I don't have a choice. No babysitter or daycare wants to deal with her because she is extremely aggressive at times. My life sucks!!! I cannot work, I cannot go out when she is home (unless my husband is watching her) I cannot have time to myself because she is clingy and wants attention or food all the time. I have become a prisoner in my own home!!! 
She is completely non-verbal and has extreme sensory issues. Respite care is only 20 hours per month in the state I am in. Most respite care providers lack staff to even give you a break. Honestly, I hate my life, I regret everything. I regret getting married. I regret having my daughter. If I could go back in time and change it, I would. I am just so burned out and so fed up that at times, I don't want to deal with it at all, but I don't have a choice. I miss my old life..so, think before you make that decision...life is not going to be easy if you have an autistic child., If you’re having questions like this without kids don’t have them. Simple blunt and to the point., I love my son - not any more or less because his autism. I love him because he's him. His Autism is a DISABILITY  but does not define who he is as a person.

I absolutely hate his Autism. My son is level 3, pre-verbal but in actuality still predominantly non-verbal. Autism is parenting on EXTREMELY HARD mode. Some people will sugar coat the shit out of it but trust, it's not for the faint of heart. Don't let tik tok, Pinterest, Facebook and this other social media fool you. Autism isn't a cute quirk, or a different type of brain wiring. It's a disability that requires, for some families, an insane amount of resources and time. 

If you know you may possibly be autistic, have autism in either of your families then think long and hard about having biological children. It's ""cute"" when it's a 2 minute tik tok or a gushy validation seeking Facebook or even reddit post but when you're looking in the face of a person you love most in the world, who you chose to bring in this world and KNOW they will struggle more than a person who is not disabled it's not so cute. It's not so quirky. It's not AUSOME 🙄. It's more often than not heartbreaking.

Not coming for you, just giving you a perspective from a mother who loves her son more than her next breath but  if I would have known my son would be disabled I would have never ever offered him up to this world. He deserves so much better than what life has in store for him.

Much love., Omg I love my life and my son with autism is one of (if not THE) best part of it. I think jt comes from a partial place of privilege bc we’re dealing w mostly not huge “challenges” rn speech delay and lack of interest in peers. He’s 3 and I know things will be harder as he grows and little kid problems grow into big kid problems. But my day to day life is made better everyday from my son. Nothing makes me happier than seeing him happy and helping to contribute to whatever he’s super interested at the moment (rn it’s letters/the alphabet). Even today I can easily say the highlight was a new alphabet book I got him arriving and him screaming w happiness and kissing the book saying “so happy” after he finished looking through it each time., Wouldnt say happy. But i wouldnt say its because of my daughter either. I just had a child too young and the lack of resources and financing (i make a decent salary for my age but insufficient for where i live). Having children is to sign up for stress, anxiety, depression, etc. to at least some degree. 

The grass is never greener on the other side. 

I dont know what life would be like without her because shes here. And I wouldnt want a world without her. Even if i regret how/when/with whom i brought her into this world., You could ask this same question on a general parenting group and you would find the same varied replies. Not all autistic kids are the same with support needs and not all parents and sibling dynamics are the same. People are going to have drastically different experiences. Also, most people who are happy don’t go posting about being so happy. So you are only going to see venting. I would say the answer is it’s highly dependent on your personality, your kid, financial resources for help, a village to help, etc., Honestly, this is the wrong few weeks to ask me this. So as of right now? no 

There are *things* that make me happy, but on the whole? No., Apologies, I’m about to be the outlier here. And sorry this is long! 

At the moment, no, I’m not happy. My husband and I are pretty stressed out and have been since our daughter was born five years ago. She was only one when the pandemic started so we had the added stressor of trying to keep the baby and ourselves from catching covid. She would have gotten diagnosed earlier if not for the pandemic (for a variety of reasons, including *we had no idea that her behavior wasn’t typical* until she was about three years old, because we were pretty isolated, because stupid pandemic). We thought it was just the terrible twos until we saw what NT three year olds were like and realized something was off. 

We might be in a happier place now if Covid hadn’t happened, ha. The irony is that with pandemic plus a very needy baby at the time, we decided not to have any more kids…but our kid would probably do well with a younger sibling, and it would take some of the pressure off us to have to play with her all the time. 

As of now we can’t go out to eat at restaurants or do normal family things because our kid is kind of a nightmare when I’m around. Pretty sure she masks around everyone who isn’t me, so I see all the less than stellar behavior. She and her dad can go out and do stuff. She and I can’t. She runs away from me, doesn’t listen, screams at me, etc. ABA helps somewhat but not enough that we can do typical family things. 

My advice on having a kid: you should only have one if you absolutely want to!! I 100 percent wanted a child, had IVF to have her, and it’s currently not going as I had hoped (and that’s an understatement). I do have hope for the future, having read others’ stories here about their kids mellowing out as they get older.

You never, ever know what you’re going to get with a child. Having one is such a crapshoot. Usually it turns out okay. Sometimes it doesn’t. You have to be prepared for the unknown and okay with things not turning out how you hoped., My kid is the sweetest kid ever and my favorite person in the entire world. He makes me want to live forever to be there for him. My unhappiness is due to my own mental health, I probably should not have become a mom until I got that in check, but I am, and I have to be better for him., i’m really happy, but my daughter is also low support needs and really only struggles with social skills and is still quite far behind verbally. she’s naturally pleasant and easy going, and she doesn’t display any “extreme” behaviours, so this is probably contributing to my level of happiness. i am sure i would be absolutely crazy about her no matter her level of support needs, but we definitely have it pretty easy when it comes to parenting an autistic child., My son is 5 years old, level 3, and nonverbal. He's the love of my life and I'm extremely happy. I would do anything for him. Realizing that he was autistic finally made me apply myself, I now have a job with good insurance that pays for his ABA at 90% (plus HSA funds for the rest). I've earned two degrees in order to switch careers because I know he'll have high needs throughout his lifetime. That being said, of course the isolation, destructive behaviors, sleep disturbances, and communication difficulties add stress on top of having plenty of stressors in my life already. I do have to vent sometimes, being a parent of a child with his needs isn't for the faint of heart. I don't know anyone IRL who would understand what I'm going through so sometimes I have to whine online., So I can say as a parent of a Kid that has Level 1 and Auditory Processing Disorder.  I wouldn't want him to have kids.  The likely hood that his children would have Level 2 or Level 3 is highly likely.  He's got it bad enough i couldn't imagine having children knowing that they would have it harder than you.  I just don't think it's worth it and it's not fair to the child., The experiences are going to vary widely, but I think the most important thing here is that you are trying to find any sliver of hope to convince yourself to have kids. I think you were clear in your other thread that your boyfriend is the primary motivation behind this. 


I'll be blunt: even now, women tend to do the lion's share of childrearing and housekeeping. In a divorce, fathers tend to fare better than mothers, even years down the line. If you have a disabled child, there's a very real possibility it will impact your ability to work. About 50% of us can't work, myself included. 


These are very real, serious things you need to think about. 


I will be taking care of my children forever, of that there's no doubt. Had I known my husband was autistic, had I suspected I was, we wouldn't have had children. 


Because - it's not fair to bring a child into the world who will always depend on you. It just isn't. If we lived in an ideal world where public education was actually funded and many of us didn't have to homeschool, if group homes were adequately staffed and funded, etc., it would be a different story. But what we're seeing now will still probably be a battle decades from now.  


I love my kids. We have happy moments. My 9 year old can now do a lot more, but he will always need help. But my youngest will be 7 this year and it's becoming increasingly obvious how much more severe his autism is. He's leashed everywhere we go and we don't live a normal life with him. 


I am isolated a lot. It has absolutely taken a toll on my marriage. We spend some evenings together after the kids are in bed, but as the youngest gets up and down, there's always interruptions. We don't have a baby-sitter. 


I have good relationships with my kids - but make no mistake, there is no ""me"" anymore. I have about 7-10 hours a week to myself. That includes showering time. 


This is a very hard life. It'll probably impact you more than a boyfriend or husband. Think long and hard. , I’m definitely happy. My daughter is 20 and nonverbal. She is the happiest and sweetest person alive. It’s not without struggle of course. She’ll never be independent and I’m caretaking far longer than I would have ever imagined. Still I feel so grateful for her. She’s such an innocent and gentle soul. I can’t imagine having missed out on her. I take her out to fine dining places routinely and last year she went to her first live concert and to Disney World. All this took work over years to get here, but sharing these moments with her finally is an indescribable joy. 

That said, we have considerable privilege in that I work from home and my career pays very well. Money is not a concern. Im healthy and young. 

I’m entirely self made and a single parent so I also know the other side of it. This life is easier when you have resources and support and no other significant stressors. But I would say the same thing of having children in general. There just are no guarantees. Typical kids can be physically ill, malicious, destructive, unlikeable, violent or any number of other things., The hardest part about parenting to me is not having any family support. My kids, one is autistic and the other probably neurodivergent in other ways (in the process of evaluating him), are actually quite amazing. Yes, there are hard phases and moments. My hardest moment so far has been the transition to elementary school because my autistic son struggled to regulate his emotions when things got difficult for him. Now that we adjusted his IEP, he enjoys school. 

But I’ve never spent more that a couple nights away from my kids and they’ve never gone a night away from being with me or their dad. The few times they’ve been away from me was when I couldn’t go to my in laws house out of stateso they left with their dad (my hubby). So that part has been hard too, family doesn’t really help daily. They don’t offer sleepovers and my mom always made excuses about it, until I just stopped asking., I am autistic and a parent. I am beyond happy. Most of my life I was so depressed and anxious and burnt out. My husband and my kids changed and saved my life. Still tired but my husband is an awesome stay at home dad retired from the military I work swing shifts 5 nights a week. We have an awesome relationship we had kids after 10 years together. We have one child with ASD and one NT. 18 months away from the youngest starting school and then we will have school days together to ourselves, No. The intense stress is literally killing me. My health keeps deteriorating in new and fun ways, I never know what’s next., My wife and I are both professionals with advanced degrees. Our son was born back in 2017 and he's the sweetest boy you'll ever meet. We decided having additional bio children wasn't for us just because of how hard the pregnancy was. In July we adopted a baby girl.

My son got a tonsillectomy today and has spent the past 3 hours post-op screaming at us and not drinking.

Do I wish certain things were easier (for him and for me)? Of course. Anyone who says ""they wouldn't change a thing"" is painting that overly rosy picture to try and convince themselves. But there has not been a single day in his life that I have ever wished he wasn't here.

Your question tho was ""are you happy with your lives?"". Having a neurodivervent child is harder on your marriage, your personal life and your work life. But I am absolutely happy with my life. My answer would probably be different if I had to stay home all day as the primary care taker because I've found I need to work if even for my own sanity and feeling of self-worth. 

Whether it's something you'd be happy with is ultimately up to you, but I genuinely wish you the best of luck and thank you for your post. Seeing adults with autism having these kinds of debates give everyone of us grinding daily tasks that are harder than they should be hope for their future., I’m happy sometimes?  And not happy other times?  At this point, it’s not really because of the kids, though young children are A LOT, regardless of neurotype. 

Really, I would say I am satisfied and content. If I didn’t have kids I could not have fun infodumping about Pokemon with them and watching them see things I love to do for the first time with happy excitement. It’s really cool. But they’re still people. And so you have to be realistic., I have a very close relationship with my son, he cried so much as a baby and I found inventive ways to soothe him and therefore we developed such a close bond. He’s very cuddly and loving. We do most of the things NT families do, dinners vacations, parks, hikes. We just put probably a little more planning into it than NT families, making sure they have food that he likes, things like that, plan b for I’d things don’t work out. Stuff like that. It’s gotten easier as he’s gotten older and more mature. He’s also very funny and artistic. I don’t thinks I’d change a thing. I have NT kids too and they all have their own challenges that make parenting hard too. I don’t think having NT kids guarantees smooth sailing either. If anything I worry less about his problems with academia and behaviors because I understand him ajd his struggles more than NT kids who just lack motivation or are acting out., No. I have moments of happiness but they’re always tinged with sadness., "" I want to want a kid so badly.""

You don't want kids! You should tell your boyfriend that in very clear terms. Don't have kids because you think you should. 

I have three kids I always wanted to badly and I'm still drained and resentful a lot of the time. Even neurotypical kids are SO MUCH WORK. I'm not minimizing how much work it is to have an autistic kid - but neurotypical kids still don't sleep through the night, go on food strike, poop their pants, throw a huge tantrum about an iPad, etc. It's so tiring even on good days and I can't imagine doing this if it wasn't something I wanted deeply., I am absolutely happy with my life. My autistic kid is actually my easier one! My frustrations are with the world and how it fails to accommodate him — not my kid who is a total delight and surprises me all the time., Nope. 35 m with a son with ASD and likely ADHD and another son who seems to have avoided both. Constantly burned out, overstressed, irritable. Love my kids, and we're doing our best, but happiness feels a long way off., Yes overall.  Most of things I find hardest about our life are more to do with my son’s comorbidities like his epilepsy and disability.  My boy is generally a sweet easy going boy who loves cuddles and tries his best (well most of the time lol).  We also have a typical 3 year old and that is part of our happiness because we can do a  lot of things we envisioned with her and sometimes our boy is able join.  Do I wish things were different with him? Yes, but that doesn’t mean I regret having him.  I love him.  I like him as a little person.  I don’t mind this alternate path a lot of the time., I have a really hard time keeping my house clean but honestly that’s my biggest complaint so I think we are doing AOk and I’m very happy! Our daughter is really flourishing this year - she’s 7 and she just starting wanting to have conversations, she ditched her headphones and has been dressing herself and we’ve had zero accidents! There’s definitely really hard periods but that is life in general, sometimes it sucks, sometimes it’s wonderful lol, I mean, I’m not depressed. Do I wish things were different, yes. But I’m not necessarily unhappy., I have 2 kids, 4 and 2; my 4 year old was diagnosed with autism about a year ago. He’s verbal and “high functioning”, but there are still things we have to work on and cause stress. I’m in my early 40’s, female, and while not diagnosed, I (and my parents) suspect I’m on the spectrum. My son’s temperament, the way his autism presents is so similar to me as a small child. My whole life has felt like a struggle; relationships, work/career specifically, my mental health. I still struggle a lot of with anxiety and depression and was terrified to have children but wanted them so I gave it a shot (made me anxious, I can’t lie). I can say without a doubt motherhood is the best thing that ever happened to me. It’s not easy all the time, but they, these two little humans and their personalities, bring me more joy and happiness than anything life has ever brought me. It feels like a gift to be a parent, in my experience. Many days are hard, I’m a full time working mother so scrambling to meet deadlines while getting my son to appts, ABA, etc, is rough, but my husband is very hands on and other family members nearby have been a support system for us. I know not everyone has that but it is a huge help., Not just that your child could be autistic also consider how you as an autistic would handle any child regardless of neurotype. Kids are an around the clock job. They are loud, they are messy, they need attention even if you are in burnout. They make noise when you need some quiet. They have smells and messy diapers. There’s 0 days of bed rotting allowed and you have way more pressure to be organized and put together and everything cleaned and remember stuff like their appts and school things etc. It’s alotttttttt….

Comparison is the thief of joy. I try not to think what my friends with NT kids are doing because their reality is diff. Their kids are eating a variety of food, they’re not hitting themselves in the head, they’re not melting down over basic things, they’re not in some autonomy struggle where a time out or counting to 3 isn’t effective at stopping negative behavior. And it is isolating to not have people to talk to that don’t offer useless suggestions because they don’t understand., Hi, turns out my husband and I are both on the spectrum, we went into it thinking it was just him (adhd was my dx)

There are hard parts, for sure. I can't say how your experience will be. I can tell you my children are happy, and most weeks so are we. We can go to festivals on the lake, big outdoor concerts, a whole bunch of things. We can't go to a indoor restaurant as a family, the din is too much.
 It's stuff like that; you just have to plan around yourselves and your kids. My kids might have different needs than yours. But I just wanted to chime in and say it can be fun, happy, and rewarding. 

My husband almost never smiled. He didn't really get into much that wasn't his interests. I can't explain to you the joy our children have shown on his face and in his day to day. It's crazy sweet to witness.

That said; agree with other comments. If you don't want kids please don't feel pressured. You get what you get and they need from you in a way that can be hard to manage., I wouldn't change my life for anything. My children give me purpose.
Yes, I'm overwhelmed, so so overwhelmed and burnt out but I love being a parent and I love their quirks and watching them both stim.
I just hope it gets easier managing 2 autistic children who have totally different needs.
I don't have a village to help me, I do 99% alone apart from school. The oldest doesn't sleep good.

If you are unsure about kids then don't let anyone try and talk you into it. Consider what you'd be giving up, make sure your partner is good with kids and especially clued up on potentially having an autistic child (or more than one).
Talk about how you'd raise the child, what values and ideals you want to teach them, parenting goals etc.
The mental load is also something to consider. Does your partner contribute to that now? Because if not it only gets worse when you have children.
I separated before my 2nd was even born because I wouldn't settle for a deadbeat., Firstly- I 1000% agree with prior post. If you don’t have a deep yearning for children, don’t have them. 
Second- my life has many happy moments. It also has many moments of despair. There are times when I feel weighed down by a thousand responsibilities. 
Third- don’t have kids unless you are 100% ready to deal with the consequences of a very low functioning child. My husband and I both know autistic kids from prior relationships. We both love our sons desperately, but it’s not a life I would volunteer for anyone. 
Fourth- it doesn’t end at 18. Are you willing to have a life often dictated by what your child can do? Are you prepared for the financial consequences?

If I had known beforehand that I would have an autistic child, then I would have adopted. I love my son, and that is part of the problem. I can’t protect him from the world. I can only support him. His life will always be a struggle, and that is not a life I would choose for a child, I'm very happy with my life. I was dx with autism the same time as my son. He is my world, and I love him so much that I'm having another in June. I don't even think about our dx most of the time. It's just a part of who we are. My family does better at life than most neurotypical people, so who the hell is anyone to judge me for living my best life?, I'm happy! I had and have problems and stressors, but none of it has outweighed my natural optimism and all the great things my life. And for the past three years, my daughter has been a big part of (both parts of) that. 

Is it a lot of work to keep up on all her therapies? You betcha. But all kids are a lot of work, so that was a given going into this. I have an extra workload, but I was never going to not be busy and tired as a late 40s single parent. 

Do I worry about her future? Absolutely. But I'm also very aware that I have it easier than most - she's very chill, fairly adaptive, and very smart. Happy and bouncing all around like a gummi bear. And once I knew she had receptive language, I was able to unclench. If she's never truly verbal (which her therapists do think she will be), we'll figure it out. She gets her messages across very clearly right now (and I'm basically deaf to body language or gestures, so she has to be broadcasting VERY LOUDLY), and we haven't even gotten to writing or an AAC yet. 

This weekend, we're heading off to Mexico on vacation for two weeks. Last year we went to Disney World. We don't get out nearly enough in general, but that's me being a lazy hermit, not her not wanting to. We go to the playground. The Please Touch Museum. Local fairs and theme parks. Play in the snow. There are places I can't take her (indoor malls, mostly), and things she can't do (fireworks, for instance, or parades). and places that used to be hard to take her but aren't anymore (out for meals springs to mind), but that doesn't mean we're trapped at home., Not happy. Don't have kids., Yes. While kids may be harder some days than others, we live a very peaceful, happy life as a family unit. Both hubby and I find time to pursue our hobbies and even do date nights once a month.

That said, 3-4 were really the hell years for our oldest, and things were bleak at that point., I am incredibly happy. 3 kids, 2 with autism, and a husband that works away from home all week long. It’s hard, sometimes I feel like I’m going to lose my mind, but I wouldn’t change a single thing., I have two autistic kids, one of which also has ADHD. I'm diagnosed ADHD and suspect autistic as well.  Our lives are good.  We do have some challenges that NT families don't, but the way I see it, all families will have different challenges. We do things that work for our family.  Sometimes that means skipping experiences, or different methods of doing things, or needing extra support, and that's OK.  I wouldn't trade my kids for the world. I have posted about struggles in harder times, but it's not that I resent or regret my kids, it's that I know there are people who will understand without judgment., My happiness (joy) does not come from having my children or their fluctuating levels of difficulty. Don't get me wrong - I greatly enjoy my children and I also face many frustrating circumstances with them too. They are a huge source of joy and love in my life, and I'd like to think more so than a source of heartache and frustration.

But I went many years without knowing two of my children and myself are likely on the spectrum (we are not professionally diagnosed yet) and while it's been very helpful in developing patience, understanding, and grace - both with myself and my kids - it has not been the make-or-break factor in determining how my life is going to go. 

Much of the big changes to living a happier, healthier life have been spiritual for me. I know not everyone will agree with me and that's okay. You don't have to. My greatest source of joy is my relationship with Jesus Christ. Everything has gotten better and easier to handle once I trusted in Him. It has put us in contact with mentors and people that are like family to us that are guiding us on this journey (and they have ASD kids and relatives too!).

A lot of this growth has come with mindset changes and getting rid of old beliefs I used to have about children/families that came from trauma and from growing up in a rather toxic household. (We are NC now and I have never had more peace!) Tackling these issues head on has relieved a lot of the anxiety and stress I used to have around managing kids, a house, a marriage, homeschooling, etc. The last 2 or 3 years have been the best I've ever had, and I can finally hope and believe that things are going to get even better for us still. 

But ultimately it's been a choice. Sure, there will be difficult days, stressful days, but also happy days and days to celebrate. I cannot and will not push you one way or the other about having children - that's your decision. Whatever you decide, will you choose to look for the positive or the negative in life? Because your joy will not be found *only* in children or parenting.,  I had no idea I was autistic and now I have 3 very young autistic kids. The stigmatization is very difficult and the constant advocating, standing up for your kids and proving people about your kids are exhausting. I got much more criticism from families than strangers which is very hard. I am lucky my kids appear to be level 1-2 I guess. My older son is pretty darn rigid especially at evenings but other than that he is fine., I’m happy but I do feel I’d be happier if I could communicate and connect with him more. That’s my answer., We seem to oscillate between look at us with our collective shit together and there’s been no aggressions, no one has gotten crab pinched, everyone is CHILL. Then there are times I pick him up from his dad and he bashes his head into the closed car window and usually once I get onto i95, he will unbuckle his restraints and come for my neck quite literally. My son is non speaking, but I feel I fulfill his wants and needs. He is as quick to respond in a loving manner with hugs and kisses as he is to hurt me, or his younger brother. We are his two targets when he is upset. I have remarried, years ago. My husband and son have a very special bond and my husband also just naturally has more patience than I do. He also has four of his own children with his ex wife. The man has experience. My ex husband and his wife have a bad habit of leaving our son out of family gatherings and parties. I can understand going to unfamiliar places with unfamiliar faces. But we take him to gatherings. The pool. The zoo. The park. It’s difficult though since he loves all of those places, I look like a kidnapper trying to get him to leave. 

I love my boys. I love all six of these kids. He does add a level of trickiness to things we do. We have to be vigilant as he will cut and run. I feel like since we share custody, we get a “break”. My youngest son, who as I said is a target oftentimes, does not get a break from his brother. There’s a lot of anger surrounding that. My youngest is in therapy on his own and also we do family work together. 

Some days are better than others. Sometimes I have to go hour by hour. It’s the nature of the beast. Plus he’s almost 14. Imagine being a 14 year old boy and going through puberty and feeling so confused. We explain but I honestly and say what he retains and processes. 

Don’t get depressed over what could possibly be, you’d never get very far. There’s so many variable in parenting and having a family that meshes well. It’s impossible to plan for everything. If you’re thinking this deeply about it, you’re already aware of what COULD happen. When I close my eyes and think of my Parker, I mostly see a giggly goofer with floppy hair that just wants a tickle and some seltzer water. That’s a pretty picture for me to have in my mind., You don’t.  If you do not want kids then you don’t want kids.  If he does then you two have a major incompatibility and likely need to move on to other partners who share the same life goals.   He will resent you eventually for not wanting kids and if you decide to appease him then you may resent him for pressuring you.    I know parents of neurotypical kids that are unhappy and I know parents of autistic kids who are happy with their children.   My ex has 2 autistic girls and is very happy with them.    I find my son to be challenging but not the reason for my unhappiness.  If anything he is the reason I left a horrific relationship my life may not be what I had envisioned for myself but it’s soo much better than it was before., I get told all the time what a dear my autistic child is.  He is smart (reading at 3) , social (have to rein him in) and loves to compliment people.   What I’m unhappy with has nothing to do with him.  He is my joy., Hell yeah I’m happy, Having a NT son first, before my NueroSpicy younger son ended up helping me understand this question. 
I only have boys, but BOTH of them are equally hard., >But are there any parts of your life that are genuinely good.

There are some good parts, yes. Overall I am not happy but that doesn't mean it's ALL bad.

>Are you able to do any of the normal and fun things that neurotypical families do?

Some things, yes. My autistic child is able to handle some activities really well. Strangely, she did amazing at Disneyland lol. She enjoys being in nature so we do a lot of hiking and camping. But other ""normal"" things like eating at a restaurant is usually a no-go.

>Do you have a good relationship with your child and your spouse?

I have a good relationship with each of my children. They have their moments where it's all about dad and they don't want me, but for the most part yes. My spouse is another story, though. Our relationship has definitely suffered since having children.

>Are you ever not burnt out depressed irritable and overstimulated? 

I have brief moments where I'm not irritable and overstimulated but that describes probably 90% of my life., It's ok to not want kids if you don't want them , it's your life . Live it how you want . 
I have a son with Autism and I can't lie at one point I wasn't sure if I could carry on because he was really aggressive and hurting me . BUT that was partly my fault , he can't talk but I wasn't listening . We forget there's a hundred ways to communicate. Once I learnt to watch his cues and listen to him he calmed down so much. He's so much more affectionate and he's happy ! I'm happy ! I love my life now and we work together . I just don't do things with him that other kids do but that's ok . I hated going to the park as a kid and kicking a ball and as someone without autism I love being at home and hate going out so for us we connect haha 
Once you realise that there are so many things you can do that makes you both happy ie we love spinning and chasing each other , love bouncing then you can find things together . But you have to work at that ., My (now 9 year old) daughter is the very best ‘thing’ that has ever happened to me.  She is the light of my life and the joy of my heart.  I’m so amazed by how thoughtful, kind, silly, and sweet she is!  

I’m so thankful every single day for her.  It took us over a decade of trying to be able to have her (on my second cycle of IUI at a fertility clinic).  Life is really hard and messy and beautiful.  She makes me want to be better and do better.  It’s a rocky road but it’s getting better through a lot of hard work.  
Anything worth having is worth working for.

I highly recommend working on your own mental health and your relationship before you try for kids.  Once you have children, everything changes, and it’s much harder to manage self-care.  If either of you have childhood trauma, please address it asap as it is really triggered when you have your own children., It's ok to not want kids. My 3 year old is level 2 and if he makes the choice as someone who's autistic not to have children I'll 100% support him. But as for your question I'm very happy to be the mother of an autistic child and as far as we know a NT child(he's only 4 weeks old). Of course it can be hard especially because I'm bipolar so I get a little wonky at times but I find my life with children very fulfilling but yes over stimulating more so when the toddler and baby are crying at the same time., What does it mean to be happy to you?, I am the parent of a young child (6m). My stress is not to do with my child per se, but rather the frustration of trying to suss out services/resources. 

One thing I have learned in life is that everything is a matter of outlook. I came to parenthood relatively late in life(early 40s). In my 20s I focused a lot on the negative things that happened in my sphere of existence. I was not ready to be a parent then. Somewhere around 29 I realized that s**t happens to everyone. It is just a matter of whether or not one allows that mess to be the focus of the rest of one’s day. It was eye-opening and definitely worked to reset my approach to daily living. I didn’t become a different person, but I did work to be less triggered by things I could not control. 

There came a time in my 30s when a kind of calm just settled over me about becoming a parent and it felt absolutely cosmically right to have a child. I am supremely grateful that I get to discover the world through his eyes and also that I get to help him learn to develop the tools to deal with the world around him. You, OP, may be in an even better place to help your child because unlike me you are also on the spectrum. 

Is it challenging? Hell yes, but the majority of what makes me frustrated comes from external issues, such as the lack of coordination with respect to available resources and the fact that there is no one place to find them.  

You never know who your child is going to be personality-wise, regardless of their place on the spectrum. You could have a typical child that challenges you more than any other child might. You could have a child on the spectrum that is amazingly easy personality-wise., No. Always tired, have had to give up pretty much everything that gives me joy because of lack of childcare, about to have to lose a career I worked hard to build (and is the last thing I enjoy as everything else has been stripped off me) as child can’t go to school, plus all the battles with institutions that should be helping but are not - even after a good fight.
Life is just more of the same frustrations, getting through each day knowing tomorrow will be the same - or worse. The constant threat of poverty due to the lack of appropriate resources to my child and my likely inability to work in the near future because of that. 
The very little engagement I get back from my child after all that. 
It’s lonely and it’s tiring., I haven’t been genuinely happy in years. I can’t remember what joy feels like. I don’t think I can even feel my soul anymore. Sorry it’s bleak!, I’m a “high functioning” autistic woman, with a 6 year old low functioning, non verbal daughter. Her father abandoned us after being ingolved for five years of her life -he was the one who wanted to get me pregnant and manipulated me into avoiding abortion- , he doesn’t pay child support and left me to be the default parent (as always, only this time is worse because I’m almost all alone). My life is hell everyday, and I wish I was dead most of the time., I am AuDHD with two AuDHD children and I would say that I am happy. I’ve always struggled with anxiety and depression and have a massive amount of past trauma, but I’m as “happy” as I have ever been. This life is hard though. Being a parent is overwhelming most of the time but also very rewarding. However, I always knew I wanted kids. Even though it is a very hard life, I couldn’t imagine not having kids. But if you aren’t 100% sure you want kids, don’t have them. If you don’t have a deep longing to have children and feel like your life isn’t complete without them, don’t do it. Being a parent is a 24/7 commitment for 18 years and doesn’t just end at 18. I didn’t know I was AuDHD when I had kids. I’m overstimulated and exhausted basically all the time. I love them dearly though and do the best I can for us all. I would lay down my life for my kids in a heartbeat but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel like I’m about to lose my mind at any given moment. One warning I can give you though, don’t count on having any help. Your bf may be a great person, but 98% of fathers don’t provide half the childcare or emotional support, not to mention the cleaning and running the household. If you decide to go through with having children, don’t do it unless you are prepared to be the primary parent with no support. Mothers often can’t count on family or friends to help either. I moderated a mom support group and the horror stories I read would give you nightmares., im happy for the most part but i think if i had another child, who most likely would be autistic, id lose it and feel regret. my son is only 3 years old and we’ve had a lot of hard moments. its been a real journey navigating this life with an autistic child that the thought of going through it all again makes me already regret it lol. If you don’t want any children, listen to yourself. In the end, moms carry the heavier load of parenting (i know not always but usually) and it can really take a toll on you. i’m pretty sure i’m autistic as well and if i would’ve known before, i wouldn’t have gotten pregnant. I love my son but I think my mind/body can only handle him., I looked at your other post and I think all of your worries are valid. It's hard. It's really really hard to be neurodivergant with neurodivergant kids, but it is doable. I would suggest ensuring you have all of these items in place before having children: 1) a really strong supportive long lasting relationship with someone who understands neurodiversity and is able to support you during tough times 2) other support people and services like housecleaning, babysitting, therapy etc 3) lots of money so you don't have to work crazy hours outside of the home AND parent 4) healthy coping methods like art, music, whatever 5) access to services for early intervention (if needed) for your child., Very happy. Also very appreciative of having a ND child. Has made me a better and more caring, compassionate person, I am truly happy with my life. My 5 year old is autistic and every day she wakes up I tell her I’m so happy to be her mama. We have our challenges but I’m happy and so is my family., It depends on the day. As of late things have been shit as my son has been having self injury screaming fits for bedtime. Both my husband and I tag team restraining him. It really fucking sucks. If it gets worse, we’ll have to call an ambulance to take him somewhere., What really torments me, is knowing that I'm going to die and leave my autistic child behind. He has a lot of capability, but I don't think he'll ever be *completely* independent. Other than that, I think I'm pretty happy. I have a wonderful husband, and we're financially secure enough to easily afford anything we need. 

My son is pretty happy, loves school, laughing, cuddling, etc. He is a lot of work, but he also makes me very happy (as does his NT sister)., Not happy. If I could go back I wouldn’t have had children., I love my life- i have two kids with ASD. There’s a lot of appointments and therapies which is hard but worth it. And a lot of late nights. My husband seems neurodivergent (and by that I mean undiagnosed) and understands our oldest way better and can better anticipate her needs in a helpful way (just as an example- counting down as I brush her hair because “she just needs to know it’s going to be over” and he was right that helps her a lot) I think being a parent is hard and all parents feel pressure to be a perfect parent and maybe that’s more intense when you have kids with different needs especially because you see all these therapists and specialists. 

Everyone is slipping on a banana peel away from a disability- which I mean anyone could develop a disability at anytime and life is unpredictable so I wouldn’t let that hold you back because nothing is guaranteed anyway- even for neurotypical kids. Some people are neurotypical and easy to raise- but still grow up to be jerks. Every person born is a chance to make the world a better place. And if you decide it’s not for you that is totally ok too- there are lots of ways to share that love in your heart without having a child., Very happy! With added disclaimer that I think we have it pretty easy with my 3yo.  Harder than my friends with NT kids. But much easier than many of the parents here in this community. And that certainly affects the experience.

He’s got a few words, getting more, though inconsistent. He doesn’t have trouble telling us what he wants (body language + vibes lol). The harder part is his very limited receptive language. But hey, he has some now and a year ago it was literally zero, so progress.

He is snuggly and affectionate. Silly and sweet. He also pinches and bites me at times (I’ve got some battle scars). And tests limits allllllllll the time.

But being his mom is a joy. It’s tiring and I get overstimulated. But we are one and done, so we can tag out to recharge when needed.  

Which is a key reason I can come here and say I’m happy, and mean it., Yes, I am. Even though my 3yo is autistic I feel I got really lucky with most things. She doesn’t have many behaviors, she sleeps through the night, we can easily engage with her. She’s nonverbal but she has her ways of telling us what she wants/needs. I also have older kids 7yo & 9yo and she doesn’t play with them much but she can tolerate being around them without getting upset that someone is in her space. I thank God for her, she’s saved me in more ways than one and made me look at life in a whole new perspective 🩷, If your sole pursuit in life is to be ""happy,"" you'll be a prisoner of this chase forever.  Raising kids in general is a tough business.  There are so many factors out of your control it's a miracle that they can make it so far, with all the help and village (or lack thereof) to raise them.  It's all about perspective; there will be good times, bad times, ugly times and hard times.  This is regardless of whether your kids is neuro divergent with ASD or any other health/mental/genetic abnormalities.  You have to take a leap of faith and understand your child may or may not be who you thought they're going to be.  For many parents with kids that have ASD diagnosis, it's not about finding the typical happiness of rearing a child, but finding deeper meaning in hopes of preparing their kids for a future that they deserve despite having their disability.  Good luck and I hope you the best in whatever you decide., I love my children with all of my heart, might, mind, and soul. My 9 year old is ND and my 6 year old is NT. My NT kid is just as hard if not harder than my ND kid. And Yes I am happy. Not content but happy. It gets easier as they get older. Not easy, but easier and helping them figure out life and what works is the best and when something clicks for them, oh my gosh. I love when he figures things out. Sometimes he will write notes and it’s like wow you are listening and learning and they are such happy parent moments. He’s the best kid ever (I’m absolutely biased.) and I wouldn’t change our journey because it’s make me, him, his sister and his father better people. We have learned so much on this journey. I love my life. I really do., I often do this thing where I time travel in my head, try to meet my partner earlier, go into a different career, avoid bad experiences or horrible people but every single time I abandon the daydream - because even in a make believe moment I don't want to jeopardise anything via butterfly effect that would stop her coming to me, *exactly* as she is., I will agree with the comments saying don't have kids unless you want them. SERIOUSLY!?! I sometimes think the boomers didn't want children, but they did so because they were supposed to..."" they seem like they hated having children.  I digress. 

In all seriousness,  I wanted children since I was an adult.  I am autistic and my oldest (5) is autistic.  My youngest is very different from my oldest, and we're not seeing any of the signs we saw with the older one of autism. We'll see as she gets older. 

I've never questioned the difficulties and whether or not it's worth it.  I am fulfilled most days,  even though it's tough.  It's easy to complain and vent about the hard stuff.  My oldest had an upset stomach on the drive home from school today and was screaming in the car.  I wanted to start screaming myself from her ear piercing screams.  But then I remember that my parents were quick to anger and quick to violence,  and I'm suddenly happy that my daughters get to grow up in a home where they feel like they belong and are loved and accepted as they are. 

Yes,  I'm trying to give them a life I didn't have,  but I also love the things we do together. We go camping,  we learn stuff together,  I share my experiences, and, although the older one doesn't say it very often,  I know she loves me and nothing even comes close to that feeling. The youngest is in a daddy phase and I can't get enough.  Even if she wants me in the middle of the night or when I don't have much in the tank.

It's hard to imagine a world where you are a slave to their every need,  but once you're in it,  the world you used to live in sewms a little less exciting. I do miss some of the freedom, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. I love it. 

But remember,  if you choose to have kids,  you commit.  There's no going back.  Once you're in it,  you're in it for life. Dive head first and don't look back., This is a bit philosophical, so bear with me, but happiness is relative. Happiness is not the goal to achieve in the end. Happiness is the journey. 
One can choose to be happy no matter the circumstances, and there is joy in little things. You can have the perfect life but still be unhappy, and you can have nothing and yet be happy.

I love my autistic child more than anything, and yet I struggle sometimes, even cry, but I wouldn't change my life, not one bit. I enjoy every moment, no matter if it breaks my back. 

I share this thought knowing that it all sounds a bit holier than thou, and it's not something people who are struggling want to hear, but I know there are parents here who think the same way. This is also something I learned at a young age, but it takes a lifetime to really imbibe it and make it a part of your core.
So, to answer your question, yes, there are people here who are truly happy. There are people with neurotypical kids who are the definition of unhappy. It's all a matter of perspective., I am but my son is still small so I worry about the future. I’m currently pregnant with my second., Just something to keep in mind is your child might have much higher support needs than you do. So make sure you have a lot of support. 

Also I think being am autistic parent is harder in general whether your kid is NT or ND just because of the sensory overload etc 

Do what's feels right for you! The spectrum is so wide, people will have vastly different experiences., Hmmmm. While I am happy, Im in the stage of my life where it is getting kinda easy, but slowly.

Our son is 2, almost 2.5. Progressively getting better! We are extremely proud of his progress, however it is hard. The tantrums, the stimming, not being able to successfully communicate, texture and feeding issues, and his lack of social skills.

Aside from those, I can say we take our son to many child filled events. And my kid sticks out like a sore thumb, to me. To any other parent he’s a cute 2 year old, but we know where he falls short so when he is around kids his age it is noticeably sad for us. We want better for him always, but it is hard to not compare, or wonder how life would be. 

I think as a parent of an autistic kid, you have to really remember the spectrum is different for every kid. Your struggles may not be my struggle, but it does get easier. It just takes time. 

My son did a 180 from last year, to this year and boy has it made life easier in many ways. Still challenges, but hey… progress is progress.

Goodluck, Content and generally happy, Yes - but not blissfully so - we are not Facebook/insta perfect in my household - haha. My SN child is my youngest of 4. Honestly, I can say each kid has their own annoyances and difficult behaviors depending on their stage in life. Sometimes all the kids are difficult all at the same time (or frustrating) and sometimes everyone is okay for a bit, with every combination between. We been at this parenting stage for long time now - our oldest is in college and we just started SN/integrated preschool in the fall for the youngest. 

Some days are dreadful and take everything in us just to make it to the end of a day (or when the day ends after every both of the sometimes insomniac littles finally falls sleep at 5-8am - Finally!! ). And some days are much easier than others, there may be less arguments that day and I just might see the special bond building between the kids, or my almost verbal youngest kid learns a new phrase and those days are when I feel like I'm rocking parenting and my heart just sails. 

My husband and I talk a lot about what if we hadn't had the last 2 kids ( one NT , one SN) and we always agree, we couldn't imaging our lives without them exactly as they are. Yes, I wish their lives would be easier to live through (especially the SN kiddo) but I wouldn't give them up or trade them for an ""easier kid"". We encourage special interests and try to make decisions for each kid based on what is best for them that year regarding schooling and activities. Be weird and unique and learn to laugh at yourself before anyone else has the chance.
We use these mantras to encourage each other....
"" the days (and phases) are long, but the years are so short."" and 
""When you're going through hell the only way out is to put your head down and keep goin til your through to the other side""

It can suck  sometimes, but the good times get us through the bad times. It's life set on hard difficulty, but not impossible mode.

At the end of the day, I make myself pick one good thing to be grateful or happy for so that I can count it as a small win., If you’re aware and prepared to have them then why not? Teach them about mental health early on and educate them. It was only a problem for me because mental health wasn’t talked about with me and my siblings. Break the stigma and educate. You can have bpd and be a good parent with treatment and that being said my oldest is autistic but we suspect our 2nd baby isn’t because he doesn’t have muscle weakness like my first did and he’s already reaching every milestone he’s supposed to be doing. Sometimes mental health issues can skip generations so it’s not even a 100% guarantee each of your kids will have anything. I drew the unlucky straw and got my dads mental health issues but one of my sisters and my brother are mentally well. But in all fairness if my mom didn’t cause trauma and I knew about what I had then I think I would have been fine., I’m content. I’ve been pursuing happiness since long before I had my daughter, but it’s elusive no matter what your life circumstances are. I often thought I have it easier than parents of NT kids. She’s 17 now and it’s not all sunshine and roses, but I wouldn’t say I was unhappy., How old are you? Had i waited until i was in my 30s, i would probably be happy and able to handle a difficult child. I became a parent when i was just entering adulthood.  I was learning to be grown while being responsible for a new life., I'm extremely happy. I love my son dearly and I know he loves me., My answer may vary day to day—even on hard days I’m happy, and even on easy days I can fall into a black hole. But more often than not I feel happy. My daughter will always need help, the world won’t always be kind, but I feel love and give love to her. It’s a gift. But again, ask me tomorrow and I may feel sorry for myself, sorry for my kid, and pissed at the world., Hey mom of two with one ASD son and another that as of now seems to be NT (9 months so a bit early to tell). Autism as my husband and I discovered seems to run on his side and on mine we have a lot of anxiety/adhd. We are very lucky to have an overall easy and happy child and truthfully the luck and support seems to be what makes our life easier. We do have hard days where neither boy is happy or I’m overwhelmed or my husband is. But we make it work and we make time. We have a lot of very supportive family that is always able to watch the boys for us to go and be a couple and just get a break. We did have a hard with our son’s initial diagnosis, but since then we’ve learned to celebrate all of his accomplishments and advancement. We both love our boys very much and care for them, having had them willingly and consciously. Funnily enough our NT presenting child is actually who my husband has struggled with more. So I feel like everyone’s situation is different. We find joy in going out as a family and introducing our sons to new experiences but again all situations are unique since our son is pretty easy going and loves to try new things. At the end of the day I find that those that consistently regret children the most are the ones that had to convince themselves into having them. Children should be a choice that you make enthusiastically. Because it’s better to possibly regret not having had a child than regret having had one., If you would have asked me 2 years ago, I would have replied, "" Hell no! 1 star--would not recommend."" I would have gone back in time and talked myself into sterilization. We almost didn't survive. 

Things are better now, but I am still working through a lot of C-PTSD from the rough years. I still struggle to feel ""motherly"" towards my eldest (17M/lvl3/ in residential due to violence). The little dude (14/lvl3) is alright though. He has his meltdowns occasionally but nothing like his brother and we can handle it. Haven't had to call the cops once yet (for violence, that is...he is an eloper but we have him tagged now). 

I'm glad we made it, but the dark days were baaaad. I'm glad I didn't let the darkness win and end up on the evening news. 

If I knew what I was going to have to go through, then I probably wouldn't have been brave enough to do it. 

I'd be a lot richer too, but that's a minor consideration for me., Happy is an emotion that comes and goes with current factors.  Some days/seasons we’re far from happy. It’s miserable and it feels like we’re in endless darkness. 

Other moments bring unthinkable happiness…my little guy finally catching a specific species of fish he’s been reading about, or finding a giant sketchy snake, or sharing his extreme enthusiasm for Moby Dick.  


Overall, it’s tough. But God made our dude unique.  There are 9 billion people on earth and not one is like ours.  So after the meltdowns and punching and violence and social problems and broken furniture and etc… God wanted us to have him and we buckle up and do what we need to do., Am I happy with my life? YES! I absolutely love my kids. And I have an amazing, supportive spouse who is active in raising our kids. Is our life perfect? Do we get to do everything we want to do? Absolutely NOT. I gave up a lot of myself and hobbies even when my first kid was born and hes not diagnosedwith ASD. 

I used to be an avid snowboarder, some people take their kids at a young age but I didn't, my oldest was a lil slow on milestones but never flagged for autism. I used to camp a lot and go on long backpacking/camping hikes, camping with a little with ASD, not potty trained and prone to eloping would cause me more anxiety than it was worth. Hoping to start going on easy camps again in the future but haven't mustered up the courage yet. We used to go to comic-cons and large social events with our oldest but those things also became too much with a high needs kiddo who doesn't like crowds. I haven't been to see a movie in theaters since before my youngest was born either. 

Kids, whether ND or NT will cause your life to change. You might not be able to do some things you take for granted now. But I'm also quite anxious and over cautious in general. Having kids should be something you really want, and you should be prepared for your life to change regardless of whether they are NT or ND. Never let someone else pressure you into having kids. If you do, you could come to resent your potential kids and no kid deserves to grow up feeling unwanted. Life is hard enough as it is., Tired sometimes, but overall a very happy husband and father. My kid is a double rainbow baby. Two heart wrenching miscarriages before him. We really wanted a child, and we were blessed with a child during probably the roughest part of our marriage. But I swear since he was in the womb he’s been trolling us, and I mean that in a sincere “haha” way and not a bitter way. Parenting isn’t easy. Parenting a rambunctious, inquisitive, autistic 3 year old is probably more so. When I see parents of younger toddlers just walking in a parking lot with their kid just following them and not holding hands I always let out a “must be nice”. 

I’m very fortunate though. My kid rarely if ever melts down. He’s getting better every day with communicating. He goes to school and daycare so my wife and I are able to work full time and he seems to be doing well in that environment. As he gets older things may change but right now I am happy. He is a great kid., Life has challenges by itself, it does not matter if you have kids or not. I had my son until I was 37, because I did not want to have kids, but my husband did, we are separated now and I am with my kid.  Life :)
I was not totally happy without my kid, do not think that kids would make you happy or unhappy.
What is really important is that you be surrounded of a good group of people, that are there for you.  Identify things that you enjoy before kids, so when you feel that you need a me time being a mom, you just have this list of things and ideas that would help you.
Every decision has a new joys and responsibilities, that we were not use to.  If you buy a car you now have to remember to take it to service for oil change, now you can get a flat tire, save money for the gas, you have to clean it, and you can drive farther and see new things., Hi. I don't think you should have a child unless you really want one, otherwise it's very likely you might end up resentful which would be disastrous for both you and your child.

Also there's so many variables with raising someone neurodiverse whether you're neurodiverse or not (My husband was neurodiverse, I have some characteristics but I'm sort of borderline but my father and two of my siblings are most likely neurodiverse). I have four children. My oldest is turning 21 and is autistic (I'm not sure how levels work, but she has a lot of anxiety, is verbal and in college, then i have 17 year old triplets, one who has ADHD and emotional challenges, two boys who are autistic, one is similar to his sister. The other is a lot less self aware, has ADHD.  He didn't start really talking until 4 or 5 but now talks all the time about his favorite subjects.

Some of the following you probably know from your own experience so apologies if i sound pedantic here.

1. How hands on will your boyfriend be?
2. **How much support will you have?** What I mean is state support, community support or family support? I live in a community that considers helping others to be a huge priority. Because of that I had a lot more support.  I don't have much family support as until recently I didn't have family living near me. I live in NYS which provides a lot of support. That makes a HUGE difference.
3. Since it's a spectrum (which you know of course0 **it's impossible to really know how much needs your child would have.** I have it easier because my autistic kids are relatively easy to manage.  Nobody's a runner. Two of them will most likely be able to be independent.
4. This is related to point 1. **Kids have way more services than adults do.** My sister in law lived in Ohio but moved back to NY because when her daughter turned 21 there didn't exist any programs for her. In her case her daughter has down syndrome, but it would be the same for an autistic adult,  a My niece has day programs, also goes away some weekends and has a multiple week summer program she goes to that otherwise my SIL is an empty nester (she's in her 60s) that makes a huge difference in her life.
5. **How was your childhood?** I grew up in a single parent household with 4 siblings (we were 5 all born within six years) for most of my childhood. That helped prepare me for having kids and also eventually for widowhood eight years ago. It doesn't mean life is easy, but my expectations were different than my mom having five children when she grew up with one sibling seven years younger than her with a perfectionist mother.

Okay so after all THAT I'll answer your question.

As a parent I've been overwhelmed in different ways. When my oldest was 18 months she had a seizure. That's not uncommon apparently with autistic kids but I didn't know this until this year when speaking to another parent. Do I regret having my children. Never. That said, I had factors that made it easier. 1. I had a lot of community support. We have an organization for families of special needs that has been amazing. 2. I live in one of the best states for raising autistic kids. That doesn't mean it's been easy. But it's been easier. 3. I had a husband who wasn't always present but very supportive. 4. My kids are verbal, and for the most part easier to parent. That said my oldest has a lot of anxiety about basic living which makes it hard for her to function. Thankfully she's getting therapy. And yet I didn't go on a trip by myself for 16 years. I finally went this summer on a family road trip with my mom, sister and her wife while one son was in camp, my child with emotional challenges was in respite and the other two were able to stay home.

Am I overall happy? Yes. My kids are great. I sometimes haven't been as great as I could be for them especially in the earlier years. I am on anti-anxiety medicine too and see a therapist. I also didn't have kids until i was 32 so I had my twenties to be independent which also helped, but is it hard. Have I gotten overwhelmed? yes and yes. And that's with community support and support from the state., I’m happy enough, I am not happy but I wasn’t happy before kid either. I was able to hyperfocus on my career in advertising and I was incredible at it. It’s my fault, I didn’t know much about mental health at all. Once I had my son and began worrying about him and then the diagnosis, everything became so clear about myself. I am totally burnt out now as my sons primary caretaker, 9 years of no more than 2-4 hours of sleep at a time leaves my cup completely empty. You know when I am happy- when I drop him off at school and have silence in the car. That’s the peak of the day., My son is 2.5 years old and non-verbal. I tear up all the time when I see 18 month old babies talking and communicating so easily with their parents. What an easy life that many people take for granted. They even joke with me “you would wish they would just shut up like yours!” 🙄

HOWEVER, my son has taught my husband and I so much about the true meaning of love. And our patience has been one that’s way higher than it ever was without our son. We also know how to deal with people that are similar to our son and it’s amazing to see.

Kids in general are HARD, autistic or not. In my opinion, it’s harder than marriage itself. But with the right partner, love, patience, and access to the right tools, it can be very rewarding 💕, Yes. I teach kids with autism. I have a monogamous realtionship but will never marry, and I love my life!, I will preface this by saying that my kid is level 2, but overall I am happy. I'm tired and sometimes overwhelmed, but it doesn't feel as if it's at a very different level to other working parents of neurotypical kids. I think every three year old is a little energy vampire. 

It has definitely gotten easier as he has gotten older. He is currently chilling and listening to his Toniebox, and I have been doing some light cleaning. We are going to the science museum in a bit. We did the zoo on Monday, and an Easter Egg hunt last weekend. He's on spring break, but normally he has school during the week. 

I don't know. I am sure there are some unique challenges we are experiencing, and his therapy schedule is intense, but ... It doesn't feel like it is very different to having a neurotypical kid, especially as he is becoming increasingly verbal and wanting more interaction with me.

Again, level 2 kid, so I am not saying my experience is universal., Having kids us hard weather they are NT or ND. But you just love them through the hard times and there will be PLENTY! my 6yo is autistic and I wouldn't change him for nothing. He's the best boy and has made my life better. I have a 1 yo and idk if she is autistic or not yet.  It's hard to tell for sure when they are little but she may have some common early signs.. which honestly.  Nothing could make me happier if she was. I'm just used to doing life like this and always loved helping special needs people even when I was a kid.. so I think I'm just made for this 💪, I’m happy, my toddler is awesome, I’ve got a great support system, and an effective game plan to meet her where she’s at for her life. Are there days that are hard, absolutely, but I’m happy. Now I discussed heavily with my husband that ASD runs in my family before having a child to ensure that we had talked about what the challenges would be and how to best support any child we may have. If you do have a child and you notice missing milestones, fight for a therapy referral. I started talking with my child’s doctor at 1.5 years that she’s showing symptoms of a delay. At two we got her into ot/st and while we’re still showing signs of a delay, the gap is lessening, and I’m very confident she will be an independent adult, without any need for paid long term support. Children can get speech and ot before ASD evaluations comes into play. But if you are concerned about not meeting the needs for an ASD child, adoption is just as valid an option., I'm very satisfied with my life. We went through a really hard time a couple of years back, but that was mostly unrelated to my kids. My soon to be ex-husband was emotionally abusive and manipulative and made my life very hard for a very long time. Life is so much better now. It does help that their dad has them half the time, so I have time to myself. 

My kids are my whole world, and I love them to bits and am so grateful and happy to be their mom. They have relatively low support needs, and we can go out into the world and do most normal stuff. My 5yo has a lot of anxiety, so going to new places is always challenging, but it's been getting easier. My only real complaint is that my 3yo sleeps terribly, and the sleep deprivation takes a toll. I'm hopeful that it will get better as he gets older. It's already gotten a lot better compared to 6 months ago., I’m not only AudHD, I have severe trauma -ptsd, depression, anxiety, hashimotos hypothyroidism, severe migraines, substance use disorder (have been clean 13 years) and other things. I had my son at 33. He is truly the best thing that ever happened to me and my life is so much fuller now and seeing his smile makes me happy. I can say it’s hard but being a parent can be hard at times. I can also say that I am truly happy. I appreciate my child and he is the light of my life. Everyone is different. 

I didn’t think I would have a child either🤍, I love being a parent and knowing that my children have someone they can rely on. 

As I kid I didn’t have that safety/comfort because my mom had 6 kids and was a widow. She worked 2-3 jobs and we hardly saw her, our older siblings were in charge of the youngest. Her time was very limited out of necessity. 

Now as a parent I try my best to be present as much as I can. My eldest has ASD but she’s made so much progress over the last year after starting school. She was nonverbal and would be aggressive and had constant meltdowns to the point of nosebleeds/vomiting. It was very difficult but thankfully my husband was very involved as well. Now she’s speaking, can initiate conversations, asks questions, describes her feelings or surroundings, remembers conversations from other days and is really helpful with her younger sibling. She also knows peoples emotions and is really caring. All of this I something I couldn’t say in March 2023. 

It’s tough but it’s worth it when she says “mommy! I’m so happy I can dance” and she starts dancing 🥰❤️ or “mommy I love you soooo much”, Im in a state of serene pleasure with moments of intense anxiety. Autistic homies can have it go you just cant shy from your problems., My SO is on the spectrum, diagnosed after our daughter was.  I fear for my daughter and the difficulties she faces/might face, but it never makes me love her less.  I have 1NT and 1ND and  let me tell you, you are going to face challenges with any child.  But I fear more for my ND child.

There are also times where I am not able to help her.  I am trying, she is trying, but we aren't connecting in a productive way and that is hard to face.  We are lucky in that the majority of her diagnosis is concentrated in emotional regulation and social development and the physical/mental development is not largely affected (though we have been through 2 years of intensive speech therapy and her speech is behind her ND peers).

We spend a lot of time making sure both kids feel like they have their needs met, often at the expense of my own needs.  I have to have a lot of grace for all of the emotions of everyone in my house while I have to be non-reactive (making me feel like I don't get to have feelings some days).  I get burnt out and most days my self care is just a cup of coffee and my anti anxiety medication.  All of that sounds bleak, but that's the dark side.

I feel very lucky that our daughter has had early interventions which have allowed her to progress greatly.  I feel very lucky that she is verbal.  I feel very lucky that she is pretty much the carbon copy of my husband- who has lead an isolated, but fulfilling life.  And I have hope for my child.  As part of the autism community, I know that we are insanely lucky and that on the more severe aspect of the spectrum, the hope is different, the fears are different, the stress and intensity is different.  I have nothing but compassion and empathy for those families, especially because at the best of times with very mild symptoms raising a child with ASD can be hard and draining.

But I would not change a thing about my daughter.  She has opened my eyes to be more understanding and loving of my husband.  He has been able to learn through her.  We have been able to give her the experience and loving childhood my husband should have had.  She's funny, sensitive, caring, intelligent.  Her presence makes my life better.  Both of my kids are the single most point of stress in my life.  They drive me to the brink and back again.  But I delight in them.  I love watching them.  I love teaching them.  I love exploring with them and seeing who they are becoming.  They are undeniably the best part of my life and if they were to go, life wouldn't be worth living.

I love most parts of my life.  We adjust a bit to make sure that while we do things most NT families do, we have set ourselves up for success. (Telling her exactly what is going to happen, what to do if she wants to leave, which parent is her ""buddy for the day"" and which parent will be in charge of her sister. Paying attention for her stims and listening to her words. Watching videos of what to expect and giving her space to have feelings and a calm down spot when she asks for a break.  And we accept her no.  No cajoling or trying to convince her if she says she'd rather not do something.  Its just, okay! let's not do that!)  We go on planes, to the zoo, to aquariums, out to dinner, to winter festivals and summer water parks.

I have a great relationship with my children who think I am both God and their servant, so basically- Mom.  I have a great relationship with my husband though we both get overwhelmed, burnt out, and stressed.

Motherhood is a complex experience, but its not for the fainthearted.  Its not for the unsure.  The only reason to ever have a child is because YOU really, truly **WANT THEM**.  Because it is absolutely a labor of love in which you will break yourself down and be rebuilt into someone that lives for someone else.  And that's fucking hard.  To be a secondary character in your own life.  If you don't want it enough, you'll develop resentment, and I cannot stress this enough- your child didn't ask to be here.  We owe them everything and them nothing because we chose them.

So, after this long ass post, my answer to you is don't have kids.  I see your BF wants them, but until you are SURE, until you can look at everything everyone has said and confront the reality and understand what you could be getting yourself into and can find the delight and joy, don't do it., So, happiness comes from within.  You have to love yourself to love others.  You create a helpless child, totally dependent on you.  You learn right along with them.  It creates a bond that if you can love, becomes a part of your core being.  But, you will also see everything that you don’t like about yourself in your children. And because they watch you and learn from you, they end up mimicking that. So what you were seeing is a reflection of what they see in you. Also, make peace with the fact that you are a reflection of your parents, and your children will remind you of your mother or your dad. That’s why loving and accepting yourself is key. If you are happy with yourself, you will see children happy within themselves. If you are frustrated with yourself, you will be frustrated with your children., I'm a mom of two.  The oldest is autistic, and I'm currently undergoing evaluation to see if I'm also on the spectrum, which we suspect I am.  

Not going to lie, kids can be hard. It can be exhausting. And venting about it is necessary sometimes.  But man alive, they are also amazing.  I've never experienced love the way I have with my two little people.  I could stare at them for hours and just watch in wonder and amazement. And sometimes I do! And sometimes I want to toss them out the window.  I feel like I get to experience life new again, seeing it through their eyes.  I am in love with the fact that I get to grow old with these people, and watch them turn into adults and have their own lives.  So definitely worth it to me.

In saying that,  it's not for everyone.  If you don't feel like you want kids, that's ok, and it's important to not go down that road if you don't want to. I have kid free friends with happy fulfilled lives who wouldn't change it for the world.  Only you can answer for yourself if it's the right choice for you.  There's no right/wrong answer other than how you feel.  Good luck., It's a weird one. It's really stressful and lonely sometimes, and I rarely get a break (lone parent). But if I could go back in time and change things, I wouldn't. I wouldn't be without my kids, and I do have joy in my life., I am a late diagnosed autistic woman with adhd and I have a 7 year old boy, recently diagnosed.  I love him to bits and he's the best thing I've ever done with my life.  I sometimes question if I made the right decision given the state of the World/UK/global outlook etc, and I often question my ability to parent, but I never question my love for him (I'm a perfectionist and there is a whole thing about being a 'good enough parent which is difficult for me to accept as I want 100%) and I love being his mum.  He is so funny and it's brilliant getting to know him as he grows up and develops his own personality and preferences.  He's so strong willed and confident in ways I could never be, and I'd like to think that at least in part that's down to me being the parent I wanted.  So, I'd say go for it.  Of course it is hard, being a parent is tough, and the lack of sleep can be crippling, but it's also rewarding and fulfilling in ways nothing else is.  I'd say for me pregnancy was the really hard part as you get told endlessly about risk and how many ways in which babies can die, so by the time my son arrived I was a mess and I couldn't sleep in case something happened in the night.... 🙈 being autistic through that process was tough, courses are designed for NTs.  But seeing him grow, and develop into a wonderful, kind, funny, silly, clever, fabulous human being is amazing.  I wouldn't change anything.  I also loved the closeness of baby carrying (using slings, amazing and that baby smell, yes!).... You often get horror stories, I think, as parents are mostly tired and in need of more sleep than they get and that makes them cranky. And it can mean sensory overload as an autie parent, too, but you can find ways to cope.  Sometimes I think being autistic has been my super power as a mum because I became so focused on being the best mum I could be.  Being responsible for another human being is huge, at least it is for me.... so you need to be able to deal with that.  Also, it's a lot easier if you have family or a good support network.  I didn't.... but still here and have eventually found one!  Good luck and go with your heart, I'd say (if we were entirely rational about it, I don't think any of us would have kids, as it doesn't make financial sense and is arguably detrimental to our personal health in many ways, but here we are?!!!  I think it's far more beneficial to us in many other less tangible ways). ♥️💐🖖🏻, I'm happy in my life, yes.

But that doesn't mean it isn't stressful.  I am not on the spectrum, so I don't know what life is like when you are on it.

If you are worried about being overstimulated, then having a baby, whether on the spectrum or not, is something you want to think real hard about.  I hear people on this site, saying because of autism they don't like to be around other people too much.  Well if you have a baby you are with them 24/7. 

If you really want to have a child, but really don't want a child on the spectrum you could look into adopting.  I don't know if that is the right answer, but it's a possibility. The reality is none of us are signing up for special needs kiddos intentionally (except those who choose to adopt them)., I take the “it could always be worse” mindset, Had to check to see if this was the autism page or the marriage page. LMAO but really, lots of variables can make or break parenthood. None of us are perfect, and neither are our kids, autistic or not. Don’t let anyone make that decision but you and your partner., Like Charlotte from Sex and the City said, I’m not happy all day, but I’m happy every day. I’ll say that we are super fortunate to be able to afford a lot of things/help, and our autistic baby is relatively easygoing., It's hard and stressful like you wouldn't believe but I still love my son. Of course I wish he wasn't ASD but honestly, my husband and I like to keep to ourselves and if we had an NT kid, I'd feel pressured to put him in sports and do playdates with strangers, which I'm glad no one really asks us to do. Like someone else said, we bought our village and have ABA most days of the week and even have ABA at school now. We also have family nearby and he's got cousins who are his same age who try to include him in things.

I didn't always think I wanted kids but I'm glad I have my son. I think if I hadn't, I'd always wonder what my kid would be like. My husband and I have a great relationship and if we didn't, I'd probably feel entirely differently. I can't imagine doing something like this alone. BTW, I take meds for depression and that also contributes to my more positive outlook. I remember what it was like without the meds and......it was a black hole like you couldn't believe., I want to say I’m happy but I’m not. Single mom by technicality right now, working full time and then coming home to chaos is really hard. I’ve been sick for a few days, and after my un potty trained boy was sick with Norovirus has pushed me to the brink. Today there was poop smearing when I got home after days of cleaning diarrhea and ruined blankets.  I just had a massive rage fit basically and I can’t tell anyone because I’m ashamed of the state of my anger, the pain I feel, and the hopelessness and then THE GUILT of getting so angry at someone who probably has no clue why I’m so upset because his social rules are completely different than mine. I feel so unloved by my son, even though I know he loves me. And I feel so guilty for getting angry at him over things he probably doesn’t get why I’m so destroyed over them. BUT like so many other people have said, I don’t regret having him. For me, I painfully regret my own inability to be better. Also I’m a teacher and these middle school kids are fucking killing me every single day. That doesn’t help at all. Don’t let anyone pressure you, but there is nothing like being a parent and the love you can feel. Good luck either way., It’s hard. And it’s taken awhile to see more good. You never stop loving your kid though. The reality is autism is expensive. Our daughter is in ABA, occupational therapy and speech. Will your child need these therapies? Who knows. I didn’t know but fortunately we have insurance. I didn’t know there are people who pick careers to help children with autism. So if you want a child then do it. There’s so much help out there and once you find your tribe you will be okay. All of these therapist are my village. We have no one else we don’t get breaks or date nights. But my daughter has changed so much from last year. We get to go out to dinner. We get to go to the fair and to the mall. We will be enrolling her in tennis soon and in August she will start preschool through the state. No one can write your story because that’s your story. No one can tell you how it’ll go. But as a mom I can tell you it’s a beautiful thing to raise a little one. Nothing is perfect with this life and the kids don’t ask for perfect., I am BPD AuADHD and my partner is ADHD and very likely NPD and we had the talk about what if he had ASD but the tricky part about that conversation, even if it’s well intentioned, you have no fucking idea how to prepare for that unless you’re preparing for the worst case scenario. so I thought because of my personal experiences I could guide him but his ASD is very different from mine, so I had very different expectations. Also I went undiagnosed most my life whereas we got my sons diagnosis before 2. My parents never had the responsibility of therapies/behavior coaching that I have had, it’s incomparable. Because my parents still don’t believe the importance of being neurodiverse affirming and accepting, my support system has been inconsistent and made the beginning of my motherhood journey fucking hell. I’ve learned these are the key things to being a successful parent 1) figuring out if you’re emotionally capable and resilient , go to therapy if not 2) do you have a support system in place to maintain self care for yourself , if not could you afford one? 3)can you afford and handle being a parent with ASD child if you split (High divorce rate) 4)do you have family that would look after your child after you expire ? would you be ok not knowing if your child has a good quality life (living independently and having a social life outside of parents)? 4) are you being honest with yourself about the reason why you want a child? You will absolutely have it thrown in your face that you made the choice to have a kid, could you live with that and make the most it?, To reiterate what some of the other people have said, it's ok to not want to be a parent. AND it's also ok to not want to be a parent, with your boyfriend. 

If he really wants kids and you don't, you need to have a sit down calm conversation about where your relationship is going. 

Most people will have been in relationships at some point and realised that they have different ideals or what life will be. It's ok, like most things in life, communication is massively important., It's very hard. One autistic child is difficult to manage, but I think if you have a supportive community that will help care for your child and take some of that burden, then I don't think it'll be just as stressful as solo parenting., I’m happy. I’ve got a good career, happy kid, supportive partner. Things aren’t always easy but early intervention really helped my kid and she’s much happier than she was when she couldn’t communicate. That makes me happier., For me the most helpful thing about this experience has been focusing on it like a puzzle--like several puzzles I'm working simultaneously a lot of the time, but really the idea is to figure out which strategies work, which things need to fit in place to be able to manage it (like, we all do better when I am more relaxed, so things that are relaxing for me get moved to the top of the list; we do better with more sleep and a consistent routine, so things that disrupt that get taken out as much as possible).  I think the frustration comes up for me most reliably when my expectations are so far away from reality--I can get really attached to an expectation or excitement or anticipation for something I'm looking forward to, and if it doesn't materialize like I imagined, it is incredibly discouraging and it's easy to plunge into my life is a misery and will always be a misery because this circumstance will always be with me.  So one thing that I have to figure out is how to ensure that there are things I will enjoy that are low risk of being screwed up.  I feel like it has made me a more emotionally mature person than I was before, like I think in the past I felt like I was in control of everything and because for the most part I was, I was entitled to feel frustrated by the things that weren't to my liking.  But now I am so much more aware of how out of my hands things are, and once I learned to make a little more peace with that (a work in progress lol) it relieved some of that frustration and made me feel like a nice life was actually really possible, and maybe even more important, that I would be enjoying that nice life as a more self-aware, compassionate person than I would have had the opportunity to be before.   I am, for context, a single mom with a level three ASD kid who is 8 and a NT kid who is 10, and we live far from family, including the kids' father.  BUT we have a great school that I never have to fight with, and I have a pretty low stress job with flexible hours where I make enough to outsource some things.   Some of that is luck and some of it is intentional--like I keep this job despite a lot of opportunities to advance and do something more interesting because that flexibility is part of my ""village"" that someone referenced earlier.  When I started to pay attention to all the things that make my life easier it really changed my attitude towards not having a partner or family nearby--like what would family actually do that I can't do in some other way?    Solving as many things as I can in creative ways is, for me anyway, part of the fun and growth of this life, as opposed to just checking the same boxes everyone else gets to check.   I am not sure I would have picked this life off a menu, but I think I would not have realized how much I was missing if I hadn't had the chance to live it., If you have reasons to believe your kid might be autistic and that is something that would lower your quality of life (you are already asking so it definitely in your mind), why not looking at adopting? Lots of kids out there are in need of love, I am very happy. My life is a whirlwind of chaos but the bond I share with my boy is something I wouldn't trade for the world!, Yes, we are very happy!!  Sometimes it’s very hard, but that’s true of life.  I have a great relationship with my spouse and kids.  I have 4: 19, 5 (ASD), 4 (speech delayed but otherwise neurotypical), 1.75 yo neurotypical., I often feel exhausted, burnt out, frustrated, etc… but I love my son more than I ever thought it was possible to love another human and I don’t regret having him at all. There are really hard moments and hard days sometimes, but we have just as many really fun and happy moments and days. We have adapted our lives to accommodate my son, and once I accepted that that was just our reality and not the social media fake perfection, it helped. My son definitely helps me notice and appreciate the little things more. And he’s helped me to enjoy childhood all over again through his eyes., My husband is neurodivergent, our oldest daughter is on the spectrum and her two little sisters are neurotypical. We are for the most part in love with our lives.

He struggles a little with the sensory overload of the chaos of our house (3 kids, 2 adults, and 2 dogs) but we have learned each others bat signals for when we’re going to lose it. A “hey do you wanna go take 5” is our love language.

All 3 of our daughters are fucking fantastic and they make our lives so crazy and so beautiful. He gets our eldest daughter on a really special level and has been instrumental in her ability to love and accept herself exactly as she is. 

All in all I’d say we’re the typical family just loving and living. Sure we have some unique challenges but it just makes it all the more fulfilling at the end of the day. We have a home, food, clothes, and each other. When all the kids are in bed and we can finally lay back we usually just say god damn, we have it all., I am married with 1 child. I would say that I am actually pretty happy in life. I think my life has improved since the times when I was single and childless. It's definitely changed but in a mostly good way. Having a child can at times be over stimulating but the pros do outweigh the cons. I wake up every day to my husband and son's smile. My son will usually put his face to mine and touch my face with just the biggest smile on his face. He laughs constantly and it's beautiful. We do a lot of things as a family too. It does take more time to plan things and get ready to go out but you get better at it with time., To procreate is divine. Autistic kids are difficult to handle, but I honestly can't imagine my life without my son. I think about everything I did before my kid and it all seems so boring and empty. You truly won't get it until you have a kid, autistic or not. Keep in mind too that most of the people posting here are also autistic, so there is a high chance that if your kid is autistic, they will still grow into a somewhat functioning adult, Parenting is a big responsibility. If you are independent yourself and feel like you can raise a kid, then why not?? I am a NT parent of an autistic kid 5yrs. His diagnosis was a shock for us, but we have accepted it now and are as happy as anyone can be. Raising a child is a beautiful experience, no matter how he turns out., I’m super happy. My toddler is ASD 3. He’s in therapy, he’s learning. We’ve gotten to a real good spot where we know what helps and what doesn’t. Yeah we have some bad days but I cannot imagine my life without him! He’s got 1 younger sister and he loves her! I want one more even though I know I could have another ASD child., I could not imagine my life without my ND kid. I love that he’s my firstborn and I would literally not have it any other way. It feels like my kid was always meant to be ND and all his “quirks” make me feel even more like I’m meant to be his mom. Sorry 🤷‍♀️, Now, I will preface this with the fact that my son is currently 3, and does not have a formal diagnosis at this time. He has a functional speech delay, and some other behaviours that point toward ASD, but others that don't at all, and our pediatrician has taken the ""wait it out"" approach for the time being, but I am pretty confident he will end up with a diagnosis of some sort, if not ASD, some sort of processing disorder would be my guess. Either way. YES. Parenting my child comes with some enormous challenges, but my goodness, does he ever bring so much joy and light into my life. We are able to do SOME things families with exclusively neurotypical children do, and other things we avoid, and there are some things where we find a compromise that works for our family. We do things a little differently than what might look typical to most families, but what we are doing is working for us. We have more appointments than most families with a 3 year old (speech, and OT right now), but we are fortunate to have access to therapies to support my son's development. He makes me laugh every day. He makes me feel loved and needed every day. He teaches me something new every day. He amazes and surprises me every day. There is no shortage of happiness in my life; even though this isn't the EASIEST path, it is certainly not a path lacking love and joy., It’s hard. But I wouldn’t trade my son for anything., Yes I am happy- I have times where I feel disappointed for my guy- I hate that his life will be more challenging simply because he was born- but he is so happy and cuddly and is such a light.  He makes me smile all day long- he is the best thing thats ever happened to me.  , Yes. Life is not perfect but I love my beautiful high support needs ASD son and despite our challenges he makes my life better with him in it. For the bad times outside of that I remember that this life is temporary and I pray to God that there is a place in the house of Jesus Christ for me and my family. Thank you God for my boy, I’m really happy! 2 NT teens and one ND toddler. I’m also most likely autistic but undiagnosed. I’m a single parent, gave up work when the little was born as they have other medical needs. So a lot changed, but not necessarily for the worst. Are there hard times? Yes. Are there days I think I can’t handle much more? Yes. But that was the case with my older, typical kids too. That’s ALL parenting IMO. My little is the chillest, most loving child ever. We have a bond of steel, nobody comes close and we have a happy life just chilling out! We can’t do breakfast with Santa, or swimming lessons, or the Easter bunny. But I’ve let go of that because that’s not what my child wants. We do what they love instead (mainly walks, the beach, driving, tickle, chase etc, iPad). They’re also great on holiday, we go away a lot and that’s a big plus for us. 

I can hand on heart say that I’m happy. I wish my child didn’t have potentially rough times ahead in life, but there’s nothing to say they won’t thrive and be truly happy too. We had a ROUGH time when they were born and I’ve watched them nearly die, go through brain surgery , facial surgeries etc so nothing seems hard in comparison anymore. I think my default is extreme gratitude my baby is ok, so that may play a part in my answer. I also think the nature of these forums is that people reach out when they’re struggling so it can seem like having an ND child is all doom and gloom. And I’m not taking that away from anyone who struggles, my heart goes out to them. But remember it’s not a given that it’ll be that way :), You might not want to do all the fun things everyone else does. You'll want to do your own version of fun. 

As an autistic parent you'll be able to understand and advocate for your children, both ND and NT, in ways others can't., I’m very happy, is having a child hard sometimes? Definitely but the pros far outweigh the cons. My child is funny, happy, energetic, creative, gentle little guy. I love his personality, I love his way of doing things, I love the ways he shows his love! The first couple years were the hardest for me (not because of him) but the drastic change to my life and how I liked things done was very hard for me. I settled into the new routine eventually and I’m so happy now. I love my family and I love my child!, Imo happiness is a fleeting emotion like sadness or anger or whatever else. It comes and goes. It's a mood. I do have plenty of happiness in my life, along with frustration and exhaustion and sadness, just like anybody else. Each one has a time and a place. I think the more important, more constant feeling is fulfillment (or lack thereof). Happy or sad or angry, I'm still always fulfilled by my life and my family. I'm glad my 3 kids exist. I feel lucky to be their mom. I love that they're each a little walking/talking (or babbling lol) embodiment of my and my husband's love for each other. 

Sounds cheesy, I know. I don't really say this stuff to anyone, but since you asked I figured I'd give the whole answer haha! 

But also, if you don't want kids, you don't have to have them. What is fulfilling for one person is hell for another. Can parents of autistic children be happy, fulfilled? Yes absolutely. Whether that'll be the case for you is really only up to you though. 💜, Yes, we’re happy! My 4 year old ASD daughter is so much fun! She loves to hike, work in the yard, she’s curious, she loves to snuggle. She doesn’t talk often, but when she does she is hilarious! Yes, our daily life looks different- we have to make sure she’s getting adequate sensory input to stay regulated- but we have fun.  For me, the main sources of stress are having to fight to get her into services (already having to plan out summer months and next school year), I wish she’d have more interest in her little sister, it’s frustrating seeing her do something once and then refusing to do it again, and, the biggest one, not knowing what she will be capable of as an adult., I’ve experienced grief and hardship in my parenting journey but my life is infinitely better with my daughter in it. She’s a goofy ball of energy who makes people smile everywhere we go. Shes affectionate, happy, and curious and I learn from her every day. I think happiness is complicated. I wasn’t happier before I had my child. I’m not sure I can say I’m happy now either but I experience plenty of joy and much of it is because of her., My 3yo (ASD) and 1yo (NT) daughters are the light of my life. Autism is not easy but it comes in so many different forms and waves, so some days are not so great and others are the best days we’ve ever had as a family. My daughter on the spectrum is quiet (when she isn’t singing haha) and sweet and introverted. She loves singing and drawing. She is truly a gift in that she is easygoing and agreeable most of the time. There is a lot of work and effort involved on our part as parents because we want to and do work toward providing her as much support and services as possible so that she can learn to communicate more and thrive in her new preschool program. Raising her and being tuned in to her needs was all we knew until her sister came along. My younger daughter is an energetic extrovert. I often consider parenting her to be on easy mode because she sleeps like a rock and I am far more familiar with teaching someone socially motivated who learns by copying/mimicking. That said, she is much more vocal, opinionated, and likely to get into “trouble” - ie getting into things she shouldn’t and testing boundaries. In this respect, she is not as easy to parent as my firstborn. Each has their quirks and strengths and weaknesses. Both fulfill my husband and me in their own way.

Being a parent is the best thing I’ve ever done. I find so much joy in our girls and who they are becoming and I absolutely wouldn’t change a thing. I wanted kids my whole life. I grew up with an ASD sibling, it initially made me apprehensive about having a child with ASD, but this is due to my own shortcomings rather than any potential heartache or distress brought on by having children. Every child, neurotypical or divergent, is different, and everyone will have a different experience. Whether you roll the dice or not, I wish you confidence and peace in whichever choice you make., I’d say you can be burnt out and depressed even without an autistic child! I have 4 children, 3 who are autistic! Life can be crazy and there’s days I can’t catch my breath but I don’t know who I’d be without my kids!, I love my kids. I love seeing them excited to jump in bouncy houses, ride rollercoasters, swim, line things up in the sand at the beach. I love coming home to their laughter, their excitement. Sometimes it’s difficult, and I vent. Even parents of NT kids struggle, parenting can be difficult. If you want a kid, prepare for it, plan what you want to do with this child. Give them the love and childhood you want to give them., Not gonna lie, my life sucks, I’m not happy and I struggle to get through the day.

With that being said, I have no doubt at all that all my current struggles would be worth it if in two decades my son is doing what you are doing right now.

Since you asked for it, my advice for you is to have children with your boyfriend., This is a good point! None of us can tell you if *you* will be happy with kids, be they autistic or not, I 10000% agree. I am content and fulfilled because I always wanted to be a mom and had my kid when I felt like I had done all the things I wanted to do in my 20s (studied, traveled, etc). I also knew going in that being a parent was going to involve sacrifice and I felt ready. If I had had my kid any sooner, it would’ve been a tougher adjustment. I’m personally very happy with my kid. I don’t compare him to neurotypical kids. I also celebrate what makes him unique, and I think he’s so cool and sweet and fun and interesting. He’s also so smart and a motivated learner, and it’s been fun learning about his special interests. But my life involves zero time to myself, lots of work on regulating my emotions, high stress when my kiddo is having a tough day, lots of worrying about the future. My husband is an exemplary dad and partner, and even with all these wonderful things, there’s still a high level of being needed, lots of stress to manage, appointments to juggle. All of that to say it’s okay not to want kids, it’s okay to want to wait a good while until you’re sure you’re ready, and it’s important to take the time to be sure that you and your partner can work together and are on the same page about kids., I didn't want kids & am Bipolar; knew I shouldnt.  In a Manic Moment, a coworker came to work on Endorphin High after his wife gave birth & said it was Best Feeling in World.  I got PG that night, first time ever w/o birth control, at 34.  Dr called me Test Positive @ work.  I loaded copy machine cartridge backwards & it trumpeted like an Elephant.  That F\*\*\*\* A\*\*\*\*\* coworker never even congratulated me on PG.  I often wondered how his kids turned out.  My son is Estranged from me, Aspergers, and today is my 70th birthday.  I regret having them.  My life went downhill.  More trauma than happy memories.  Sorry to be honest but this is anonymous.  My mother should not have had me & I should not have had children.  My half-sister's one child turned out real well but we're estranged., 100% agree with this. It's something you and your boyfriend need to have a serious conversation about. Sounds like you're completely opposite in your desire for a child. And that's completely ok, he's either going to see your point of view or you go your separate ways. If you decide to stay together, it's a possibility that down the road you find that desire to be a parent, but you can't let him dictate that. 

To answer your question, my wife and I are overall very happy. There's the money struggles with having a neuro-divergent child with expensive therapies, but aside from that and the occasional burnout, it's pretty smooth most of the time. The most frustrating part is that our non-verbal three year old daughter can't easily tell us what she wants, needs or if she's hurt but we're working on that every day and I'm confident we'll get there. One thing we decided when she was around 2 1/2 is that she will be our only biological child so that we can focus solely on her needs as long as we have to, and if we decide down the road that we have a desire to expand our family, we will adopt an older child., or coerce/baby trap you, *Statistics in study after study show that the happiest people are single childless women.*

Why are they also the women most prone to alcoholism and suicide?, Can you give any advice on building your village?, I’m so sorry it’s been so hard.  That’s especially tough when there are limited resources, both financial and emotional.  You are a good parent, doing what you can and putting your kid first.  Society doesn’t make it any easier. Are there other services available in your area, to support low income parents, for example?, I’m incredibly sorry for your experience, could she qualify for TERFA or low income Medicaid? That could help with the gap in healthcare coverage. Also with Medicaid, if she’s having feeding difficulties, a doctor could prescribe her nutritional shakes, and hopefully that could free up some income for your needs as well., Very similar situation here. 

There are definitely times that I find myself wishing things were easier. But how do I know that having an NT kid would solve all of my problems? right now things are easier with the little one, but that could change in the future.

The bottom line is that it’s hard to have kids. Whether or not they are autistic, or born with some rare illness, or completely healthy and NT, it is just hard., Yeah I'm also very happy with my autistic and intellectually disabled daughter, she is a delight.  I know I'm lucky she doesn't have many behavioural issues that are really hard to deal with that I see a lot of parents vent about here.

I really feel for those parents.  The ones who aren't getting any sleep, who get hit by their child and deal with constant screaming.  I feel bad for the poor kid too who is obviously struggling to live in a world that can be physically painful for them if they have sensory issues etc.

But my daughter is happy, and that's all I ask for. 

I wrote a post about my daughter here:

https://www.reddit.com/r/Parenting/s/ghYOcewxqr, I love this. I feel the same way. I said to my partner if I had to re-live the same decade of my life over and over it would be the birth to 10 years of my kids. No question., I didn’t consider autism was something that would happen. I thought it happens when you gave a baby in your 40s not 27. I was an idiot. If I’d have known then what I know now I wouldn’t have had any even my probably NT one. It’s not worth it. It’s not a life I wanted to give my child. He has no future, nothing to look forward to. There’s no point to my life either., This.

I see a lot of ""very happy"" and ""wouldn't change a single thing"" replies so far, but the fact you guys are here already says a lot., I actually relate to this a lot.  Maybe not every detail, but mourning what could have been - missing my life before having a child - those are all huge for me these days.  My son is 2.5 years old and we're just now starting on this path together, maybe I'll feel different down the road.  But it's hard right now., I agree, I mourn my old life, freedom to do as I pleased, no worries and the future to look forward to, getting up when I want to, having a job and money, not having to attend meetings at school and having to jump through hoops given to me by people I have little respect for, being threatened that my kid isn't welcome at the school unless he shapes up. The list is endless. Sometimes my life feels so joyless. I think staying childless would've be far better. I didn't suffer any miscarriages nd I'm sorry for what you've been through. My son was born extremely premature and that's when my life went pear shaped., This. 

I have two autistic children and one NT. Oldest is NT and the middle child- we didn’t even know it was autism until I was already pregnant with the 3rd. Had I known that it was autism and that it’s very likely future children could have it, I would absolutely 100% not have had a 3rd child or even the 2nd one knowing it is likely genetic. The third child is severe and I am a caregiver for him. I have no life. 

Op, I didn’t want a 3rd kid. I told my spouse after the second child that I couldn’t handle another child like her and that I would end up in a looney bin if we had another like her. He just kept saying it’s not going to happen over and over and I gave in. Well guess what? Now I’m a caregiver and the third child is 10x worse. Are you prepared to become a caregiver or listening to possible screaming all day long, not being able to go anywhere, spending all your days driving your kid to back to back therapies? What if you and your man split? Are you prepared to be taking care of a child like that alone? It’s a lot of things to consider and I WISH someone would have given me the harsh reality heads up like you are getting on here. Do I love my kids? Absolutely. They are my kids, I created them. But I’m not going to sit here and lie and say oh it’s so great just take the chance. 

The thing I feel most guilty about is my NT child missing out on so many life experiences bc we have had to leave or avoid things due to the autistic children and their needs. I try so hard to do special things for my oldest when I can and she is so understanding but I feel like such a shitty parent or like I’ve almost ruined her growing up experience 😞

My spouse always said, if we have another I’ll help, I’ll promise I’ll help. He doesn’t help. It’s all on me all the time. He works and brings in the money so that’s all he thinks he needs to contribute. He goes out with friends and does his thing and I’m stuck home with the kids. There are many mommas like me. I don’t want you to be one of them if you don’t need to be. Really take time and think about what YOU want., r/regretfulparents is a good place for support and venting without judgement., Also it stopped being ""cute"" once they hit puberty and being stronger than their parents., This experience varies widely depending where on the spectrum your kid is. My sons 5 not conversational has tons of energy and impulse issues and we do things like social skills group that leave my scratching my head why some of the kids there are in therapy. 
All kids have challenges, some autistic kids are more challenging than others., To answer the rest of your question - we had a second child right when we realized son might be autistic and we started receiving services. I do carry some guilt that his baby sister sometimes has to play second fiddle bc of his needs. I try my hardest to schedule his therapies around when they won’t impact her schedule, but know this will get harder as she gets older and has her own commitments. 

My husband and I are still obsessed w eachother! We’re both tired and done some days, but o think that would happen w any toddler and baby to care for. 

Yesterday my son had a huge freak out at the library and it ended w us both crying on the way home. But that’s an exception, not the rule. 95% of the time we do all the things we want to do and he can hang and enjoys it. And if he can’t, that’s okay and we go with the flow., We've had night terrors, days where one is sreaming the whole day, days I sat and cried with my kids because I can't and they can't.. it's not all roses. I'm still glad I chose it., 💯!, Hey thanks for that brushing hair countdown tip! Why didn’t I ever think of that! Lol! My ASD 9yr old girl HATES having her hair brushed due to sensory but she LOVES timers and countdowns! This is going to be a huge game changer., And of course only if YOU want to and YOU would be happy if you did. My babies mean a lot to me and make me really happy despite the challenges I face. I would do anything for them and I’m happy I get to see their little faces everyday, Same- I always wanted one but it didn’t happen and I gave up that dream. Then it happened!, Lmao . Funny how you easily take accountability for having a child when you shouldn’t have but don’t seem to take accountability for addressing your mental health while being a parent. BP requires consistency of self care and routine just like ASD, and as someone with a similar situation it’s irritating hearing your excuses., I would love to see the actual statistics to back up your statement., Sorry, but I don't believe that at all. They will need a much larger sample size to convince me women are happiest when they go against their instinctive maternal nature.  

I know many older women who have regrets choosing their career over a family., Right. Shit gets to be a lot some days but at the end of the day I just wanna hold him when he’s asleep and stare at him. Genuinely love him more than life. He’s a lot. But he’s mine., This rings so true!! Well stated. I wish I could get my point across as eloquently., My tiny is 4yrs old and even with the chaos at times, I could stay here forever. We sit together and put marble run mazes all over the living room. We both love setting them up. And legos. And drawing. And bike rides. She’s my little bestie. 
To answer OP, nothing is ever the same, but not in a bad way., Hi,
Yeah autism is often said to be the result of having “older parents”, which I am, but I’ve heard of plenty of twenty somethings who have children on the spectrum, so more likely it runs in families.

I am learning how to get better at my own stress management, but it will take work.

Do you get any help at all? You both have futures, I know it’s hard to think, but you can help your child and yourself. :), Relatable. I often feel like I’m not cut out for this., wanting support and community doesn’t mean that you’re unhappy. It’s fine for the group to have room for both!, LOL I see some sour grapes here. I can be very happy and also sometimes want to ask a question to people who have hit the same issue before., Does it? Getting and giving advice about unique kids means we are miserable?, How does finding a relatable and helpful community = unhappy?? It’s like joining a planting club. You can be friends and socialize at the club meetings AND provide insight on why my plant isn’t growing. Maybe it needs shade when I’ve only been giving it sunlight., It's a parenting advice sub Reddit. If you are on a gardening subreddit it's not just because you woke up to day of the triffids., I just think it's feeling like you have to say the ""right thing"". Even here.

I also think plenty of people use ""happy"" instead of ""content"", which I could buy., I'm trying to stay positive since 2-5 are some of the hardest years but it's not a guarantee my son will make progress - which is something I have to emotionally prepare for, Here's a sneak peek of /r/regretfulparents using the [top posts](https://np.reddit.com/r/regretfulparents/top/?sort=top&t=year) of the year!

\#1: [The painful realisation that I could be living my childfree friend's life if I didn't give in to marriage and kids. I miss my freedom so much.](https://np.reddit.com/r/regretfulparents/comments/149u6l0/the_painful_realisation_that_i_could_be_living_my/)  
\#2: [I FINALLY exploded on my mother for her constantly badgering me to have a baby.](https://np.reddit.com/r/regretfulparents/comments/14kjsnw/i_finally_exploded_on_my_mother_for_her/)  
\#3: [This type of mental gymnastics can be so so harmful. Did you ever had to deal with a person like that in real life?](https://i.redd.it/z63r4j2jgndb1.jpg) | [113 comments](https://np.reddit.com/r/regretfulparents/comments/1575vs9/this_type_of_mental_gymnastics_can_be_so_so/)

----
^^I'm ^^a ^^bot, ^^beep ^^boop ^^| ^^Downvote ^^to ^^remove ^^| ^^[Contact](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=sneakpeekbot) ^^| ^^[Info](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/) ^^| ^^[Opt-out](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/comments/o8wk1r/blacklist_ix/) ^^| ^^[GitHub](https://github.com/ghnr/sneakpeekbot), I hope it works!, It’s funny how sometimes life works out that way. I met my husband when I wasn’t looking for a relationship and here we are! So glad your dream came true :), Sure, hereya go!

[https://www.bu.edu/sph/news/articles/2023/women-without-children-at-age-35-are-at-highest-risk-of-binge-drinking-alcohol-use-disorder/](https://www.bu.edu/sph/news/articles/2023/women-without-children-at-age-35-are-at-highest-risk-of-binge-drinking-alcohol-use-disorder/)

**""Women who turned 35 in recent years, as well as women who have not had children by age 35, are the subgroups of women at highest risk of binge drinking and having alcohol use disorder (AUD) symptoms.""**

[https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamapsychiatry/article-abstract/496069](https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamapsychiatry/article-abstract/496069)

***""Women who had never married exhibited higher relative risks for suicide than married parous and married nonparous women for all age groups younger than 65 years at the start of follow-up.""***

***""Among the married, the parous women had lower relative risks than nonparous women for all ages.""***, I get quite a bit of help actually but unless something will make it go away then honestly it just feels like all our lives are over. Nothing can make it better., If not then this happy parent will bounce, LOL, Have I ever been happy? No. Does my daughter make me more happy? Yes., I appreciate you providing the proof for your statements, but if you read the whole papers that these come from, there is much more nuance than your statement suggests. 

This still doesn't mean that you should allow anyone to push you into having kids., Maybe the ones who make it to 65 are happiest?  I imagine societal pressure is strongest at younger ages, and less and less people give a shit as they get older., I’m sure the happiest single people are between the ages of 18-25, Valid",Support,Parenthood
"My son 4.5 and I were playing a matching number game today which we normally do, I have noticed anytime I give him a double digit like 43 he will match the card with a card tgat says 34 or the number 84 with 48. Does anyone have any experience with this? Is there anyway I can help my son? 



","That would be dyscalculia, but at that age it’s a common mistake. You can get some math cubes and teach about tens and ones and that may help. By developmentally it’s really second grade they will be doing that., Learning disabilities are common comorbidities. I have 4 on the spectrum 2 have dysgraphia 1 dyslexia and 1 dyscalculia. My youngest is too young to know still, That’s really common for any 4 year old ime, even my kid who could count to 10k at that age still reversed numbers when copying them down and such.  

I have a kid with dyslexia, dyscalculia, and adhd, but she’s not autistic., Letter/number reversals are normal at that age.  Dyslexia has more to do with difficulty with matching sounds to letters.  So, signs of dyslexia in preschoolers would be more like problems with phonemic awareness, like telling the first sound of a word or blending sounds to make a word., Also reversals can be associated with conditions such as adhd rather than dyslexia. My second grade daughter has some reversals but her reading skills are fine., Thanks so much for your insight!, Wow, thanks for sharing! Do you feel like public school is a good option for kiddos on spectrum? With your experience ofcourse, hence I ask. My son is in jk and I'm so confused on what to do, Wow! Thanks for sharing. If you mind me asking, is she on the spectrum too?, My kids do well with an IEP but I’m not gonna lie I have to be on their asses make sure they are following it and making sure the goals are good and measurable. I had to push every year for testing or new testing., Yes, she has autism, adhd, and a stutter., Thanks for sharing! So nice to know there are other kiddos like my son!, That would be dyscalculia, but at that age it’s a common mistake. You can get some math cubes and teach about tens and ones and that may help. By developmentally it’s really second grade they will be doing that., Learning disabilities are common comorbidities. I have 4 on the spectrum 2 have dysgraphia 1 dyslexia and 1 dyscalculia. My youngest is too young to know still, That’s really common for any 4 year old ime, even my kid who could count to 10k at that age still reversed numbers when copying them down and such.  

I have a kid with dyslexia, dyscalculia, and adhd, but she’s not autistic., Letter/number reversals are normal at that age.  Dyslexia has more to do with difficulty with matching sounds to letters.  So, signs of dyslexia in preschoolers would be more like problems with phonemic awareness, like telling the first sound of a word or blending sounds to make a word., Also reversals can be associated with conditions such as adhd rather than dyslexia. My second grade daughter has some reversals but her reading skills are fine., Thanks so much for your insight!, Wow, thanks for sharing! Do you feel like public school is a good option for kiddos on spectrum? With your experience ofcourse, hence I ask. My son is in jk and I'm so confused on what to do, Wow! Thanks for sharing. If you mind me asking, is she on the spectrum too?, My kids do well with an IEP but I’m not gonna lie I have to be on their asses make sure they are following it and making sure the goals are good and measurable. I had to push every year for testing or new testing., Yes, she has autism, adhd, and a stutter., Thanks for sharing! So nice to know there are other kiddos like my son!, That would be dyscalculia, but at that age it’s a common mistake. You can get some math cubes and teach about tens and ones and that may help. By developmentally it’s really second grade they will be doing that., Learning disabilities are common comorbidities. I have 4 on the spectrum 2 have dysgraphia 1 dyslexia and 1 dyscalculia. My youngest is too young to know still, That’s really common for any 4 year old ime, even my kid who could count to 10k at that age still reversed numbers when copying them down and such.  

I have a kid with dyslexia, dyscalculia, and adhd, but she’s not autistic., Letter/number reversals are normal at that age.  Dyslexia has more to do with difficulty with matching sounds to letters.  So, signs of dyslexia in preschoolers would be more like problems with phonemic awareness, like telling the first sound of a word or blending sounds to make a word., Also reversals can be associated with conditions such as adhd rather than dyslexia. My second grade daughter has some reversals but her reading skills are fine., Thanks so much for your insight!, Wow, thanks for sharing! Do you feel like public school is a good option for kiddos on spectrum? With your experience ofcourse, hence I ask. My son is in jk and I'm so confused on what to do, Wow! Thanks for sharing. If you mind me asking, is she on the spectrum too?, My kids do well with an IEP but I’m not gonna lie I have to be on their asses make sure they are following it and making sure the goals are good and measurable. I had to push every year for testing or new testing., Yes, she has autism, adhd, and a stutter., Thanks for sharing! So nice to know there are other kiddos like my son!, That would be dyscalculia, but at that age it’s a common mistake. You can get some math cubes and teach about tens and ones and that may help. By developmentally it’s really second grade they will be doing that., Learning disabilities are common comorbidities. I have 4 on the spectrum 2 have dysgraphia 1 dyslexia and 1 dyscalculia. My youngest is too young to know still, That’s really common for any 4 year old ime, even my kid who could count to 10k at that age still reversed numbers when copying them down and such.  

I have a kid with dyslexia, dyscalculia, and adhd, but she’s not autistic., Letter/number reversals are normal at that age.  Dyslexia has more to do with difficulty with matching sounds to letters.  So, signs of dyslexia in preschoolers would be more like problems with phonemic awareness, like telling the first sound of a word or blending sounds to make a word., Also reversals can be associated with conditions such as adhd rather than dyslexia. My second grade daughter has some reversals but her reading skills are fine., Thanks so much for your insight!, Wow, thanks for sharing! Do you feel like public school is a good option for kiddos on spectrum? With your experience ofcourse, hence I ask. My son is in jk and I'm so confused on what to do, Wow! Thanks for sharing. If you mind me asking, is she on the spectrum too?, My kids do well with an IEP but I’m not gonna lie I have to be on their asses make sure they are following it and making sure the goals are good and measurable. I had to push every year for testing or new testing., Yes, she has autism, adhd, and a stutter., Thanks for sharing! So nice to know there are other kiddos like my son!",Support,Learning Challenges
"Hi all! Would you think these could indicate autism? My son is 16 months old in a few days.

He only says ""mama"" or ""mamama"" - I don't think he associates it with me. It's  babbling rather a word.

He said baba briefly for a few days at a time a couple of times but would soon forget.

He bangs his head in frustration

He recently started banging his chest repeatedly

He loves spinning

He also loves spinning his toy car wheels. That's the only way he plays with them

He rarely replies to his name

He rarely makes eye contact when you talk to him but does very well when he is the one starting the interaction (he will stare at random people on the train for instance, and he will look at me and smile when I feed him)

He can clap but he can't wave, point, or hand toys/objects.

He can't colour or use a crayon, he can't use a spoon either

Doesn't answer to his name very often

He doesn't seem to understand what we say (doesn't know the words for anything for instance what a cat is, what a ball is, etc...), he also doesn't understand any instruction besides ""come here"" and ""no""

He doesn't know body parts and won't look at anything if you point to it

He can walk very well

Doesn't shake his head no and doesn't nod

Doesn't do pretend play

Pushes other kids away when they try to hand him toys

He is however curious of people and loves smiling and laughing with them.

He hates being held

He doesn't kiss, hug and very rarely cuddles (as in put his head on us for a few seconds)

&#x200B;

Thank you","I would definitely bring them up to your pediatrician! Have you done the M-CHAT? You can find it online and it will give you an idea of if your child is high risk., Check the MCHAT

https://www.autismspeaks.org/screen-your-child, It's a pre-screening test basically. Your pediatrician or family doctor will do a pre-screening for your kid(which is the mchat) and will provide a referral for your child to get tested for autism(that test is more thorough and longer). They won't diagnose at 16 months. Most probably at around 24 months., I would say that they are signs you should connect with early intervention of some kind. It has made a huge difference for my son, who was very similar to yours at 16 months. He started at an early childhood program for disabled kids at 2 years, and made so much progress. 

As to autism, 16 months is too young to accurately diagnose it. The MCHAT is only valid from 18 months at the earliest, and more like 2-3 years., Your toddler sounds similar to mine (mine will be 16 months in a few days) my little one started not responding ever to his name being called (we reduce heavily his screen tv exposured and now my kid respond to his name being called) my kiddo doesn't point either (instead he extend his entire hand indicating something that he wants) he doesn't talk either (only babbles dadada, papapa, heya, lalala, ya yaya, not directed to anyone even though sometimes he starts this babble looking at me or my husband like if he were telling us something with it) my kid doesn't play correctly with toys, he pick them up and keep throwing them to the floor, he stim a lot with hand flapping sometimes he rock his body, he started to Take away the spoon from my hand on feeding time so he can feed himself instead eating from the spoon, Anyway he doesn't wave, and is definetely behind in his development. We started OT therapy with him now at 15 months, I know he must be on the spectrum, my kid can understand simple stuff like 'come here' or 'seat' or 'give me' (whatever he have in his hands) but he can't understand complex instructions.

I'm aware kids can received therapies without diagnosis, so we decide to put the ball rolling now instead of waiting for 18 months or 24 months diagnosis., Your son sounds similar to my daughter at that age. We started suspecting autism when she was around 15-16 months and we took the online M-CHAT (she also scored a 12 if I recall correctly). We knew there were long waitlists for autism evaluations. Before we even went to her 18 month checkup with her pediatrician, I got a list of developmental pediatricians and called around to get on waitlists. At her 18 month checkup the pediatrician recommended getting her evaluated, as we had expected. Getting on the waitlists early helped us get her a diagnosis the following month, when she was 19 months old. We are in the US, and we also contacted our state’s birth to three early intervention program as soon as we suspected. They evaluated her for eligibility when she was 18 months and found she was eligible. It took about 3 months for speech, OT, and early childhood education services to start through that program. All of this to say, it’s great that you’re asking these questions now. The earlier you can find out one way or the other, the better., Thank you. I'll give the paediatrician a call tomorrow! I hadn't heard of the M-Chat. Will look that up right now. thanks so much, Thank you. He scored 12 on the quick one and 14 on the more detailed one. 

How accurate is the online test?, Not true…my son was diagnosed at 15 months, This sounds a lot like my daughter. She actually received a diagnosis this week she’s 16 months old for ASD. The doctor said he wanted us to start ABA, Speech and OT as soon as possible and the diagnosis opens those doors. 20-25 hours a week total he said to start. We stopped all screen time as well because she was so obsessed with Disney movies and would zone out on them. I think I see some improvement with no tv. How’s your son doing now? did you try speech therapy ?, You're welcome! I know the wondering stage is hard, but the more information you have the better!! Some of the things you listed may be concerning, other things, such as imaginative play, I think your baby is still a little young for., Those are pretty high scores.

The MCHAT is a very simple evaluation with minimal space for interpretation or inaccuracies. However, most developmental pediatricians will not evaluate for autism until 18 months of age. Chances are, your child's pediatrician will have you take this M chat as part of the 18 or 24 month evaluation., Hello 🙂

Is been a while, 😅 my son is now 18 months old, still in OT and PT theraphy (hasn't started speech theraphy bcs he have fluids in his hears from infection and we are treating it with antibiótics once it get fixed he will go to speech theraphy).

This is my kid today :

- still not fully walking without hand holding assistance, but he is able to give 8 or 10 steps without any assistance. 
- Babling still is there, but he only have 2 words directed to us (mama/nana and papa/dada) and everytime I take some object and say to him 'this is mine' he always reply back with 'nah' while shakes his head ( maybe is him saying no? 🤷‍♀️) 
- still usign his atypical pointing (whole hand open) to request his wants/interést, (lately being obsessed with it, pointing constantly at everything and mumbling while most of the time looks at me desperate followed by looking back to the pointed object) I just follow the mood and reply with the name of what he is pointing.
- My kid have had a big jump in social engagement these latest 2 months, now he loves to approach other kids at playground, he is able to play with ball throwing back and forth, he babbles back and forth with other babies too 🥰 his peers are no longer invisible for him like before, so he have become social with kids when before he only was social with adults. 

My kid still Plays incorrect with toys, still doesn't imitate gestures, still doesn't look to where we point at (unless is some very close object), he is starting now to look where I suddenly look at, but this is very random, he definetely still is globally delayed and always will be, no autism diagnosed yet on him and won't get one either cause the country were I live only give autism diagnosis after 3 years old of age, so right now he is diagnosed as GDD and getting theraphy., He just scored 12 on the M-CHAT which is high risk.

Definitely. Just want to find out or rule it out as early as possible., Hope he continues to make progress!, Forsure! And wait lists are long for evaluations so you are definitely doing thr right thing. Best of luck!, Thank you so much x",Symptoms,Diagnosis Question
"My daughter is 7 & semi-verbal, and she has no interest at all in other children besides her older brother. She doesn’t even acknowledge them when they come up and say Hi to her. She’ll keep on doing what she’s doing.

Does this sound similar to any of your kids?

  
Edit: Thanks for all the comments! I didn't expect to get this much feedback. You guys rock!","My 9yo loves other kids, babies, adults and animals. She is ...well, not exactly appropriate in her play, but she does love them. Her best friend is our 2yo neighbor and she will hug her goodbye every morning and say ""bye! Miss uuuuu"", they also play together every evening after school. They are super cute, but it's also a little sad, because it's clear 2yo will outgrow her in a year or two, If a stranger says hi to my kid, the first thing he says is ""Bye Bye"", My son has usually only been interested in other kids as a means to play tag or play with nerf guns. There’s no talk or conversation. He’s a  teen now and we know some other autistic teens and they can be quite chatty, but my son is not very interested in that. 🤷‍♀️, Just his baby sister. She’s the only other kid he’ll tolerate.,  A little bit. He doesn’t like to parallel play but he does like to smile and look at them from funny angles and hug them. He’s nonverbal so he’s really silly and sweet just randomly to certain kids. He will occasionally look over and smile at his sister or laugh at her (she’s 1). We’ve noticed more eye contact with other kids and adults since starting ADHD medication., my kids only 3 but he seeks out other kids at playgrounds for the purpose of chasing him, he doesn’t speak to them or play any other games, My son just turned 5 and is nonverbal most days, limited others. 

He likes to sit in his wagon and watch the other kids play. But if they try to interact with him, he either looks uncomfortable or bemused by it. He has never really played with another child, even his cousin. He prefers to just watch or do his own thing., Mines only 3 but he LOVES other kids. He loves to mimic or join in what they are doing. He doesn’t talk to them much but he is always excited to see other kids. I describe him as a golden retriever puppy. He has the desire to excitedly play but doesn’t know how to initiate appropriately., He interested but seems to lack confidence and doesn’t know how to play what they are playing.

For example, my son is obsessed so try woodchips and will put them in anything he can find outside at daycare, where the other kids are actually playing with the tool bench etc. 

He wanted to play with the coffee cup and my 3 year old niece for really frustrated and kept saying garbage, since to her, her mommy was all done and it’s supposed to go in the garbage, My 4yo asks for 'friends house' every day. He loves other kids, but he still lacks the skills to appropriately communicate/play with them. He'll script ""Hi friends!"", but he can't converse back and forth (I'm hoping that develops later). He's working on sharing and taking turns but he's way behind NT kids his age in that respect, so he unfortunately doesn't make many friends on the playground :(, My daughter will be 7 next week and this sounds highly relatable! She’s mainly interested in her younger brother, who has always been her best friend. She has a few friends at school that she plays with at recess but her teacher said she doesn’t seem interested in forming relationships with her peers., My 4 year old is the same way. He will only play with his cousin. He ignores other kids., Yes and no. He’s only 3 right now but he doesn’t seem to care for any other kid but his cousins. He’s in preschool with other special needs kids and he mostly parallel plays with the kids in his class..he doesn’t really have “friends” yet., My son is 14 and still has no interest in other kids. The difference is that they all like him and he can talk to them better *only in school. Thsts just how he is...he prefers adults. There are other autistic kids I know of that do have friends...its s case of take it a day at a time. He's perfectly happy with that choice BTW...as yet.., Nope. Completely indifferent., My 4 year old is similar in that he only cares to play and interact with his older brother and no one else, but in play places he likes to play around kids and will look at them and laugh. No real interaction yet though, He is starting to get there. His teacher says he is hugging some of the other kids at his preschool, and I have seen him doing activities and playing games in a very limited way with them. I think they are doing most of the work of making the activity or game work.

But he did freak out when another autistic kid who was stimming stopped by his speech therapy the other day. I was, like, child, you are an autistic kid with some stims. What are you doing?, Our son was the same in kindergarten. I think often, he simply didn't hear the other kid say ""Hi"", because he was lost in his own thoughts, and even if he heard, he had no concept on how to respond.

He is slowly showing more interest in other kids now, but still prone to simply walk away when the mood strikes him.

I think the fact that your daughter is interested in her older brother can be an encouraging sign., My son is 11 and had 1 friend for the longest time.  No interest at all in making more friends.  Recently he’s made another friend through the first one though!

I think he just likes what he likes, and if you’re not into it he’s fine to do it on his own.  He’s very particular about how and what he plays., My son never liked other kids, especially babies and toddlers. He said babies looked weird, and small children were too unpredictable. He hadn't once hung out with another kid up until last month, and he's now 15. He also never really responded much when other kids would come up to him. It was super awkward for me to witness... lol

Now in HS he has a small group of friends at high school, but still doesn't really want to hangout. My wife and I push him to have someone over but he always says ""what's the point""., My son is almost 6, totally uninterested in other kids. Not bothered by them but basically acts like they don’t exist

He has a brother 2 years older he plays with here and there and he’s social with me and his dad, My 3yo (level 1) son is interested in other kids. He goes up to them and waves and says “Hi friend!”

He was playing peek-a-boo with my coworker’s 4yo daughter this weekend and my heart almost burst!, My 3 year old son (level 1) is, but he doesn't understand at all what is appropriate and what is not- will try to touch new friends' faces, hug them, play rough, My son is 5. He doesn't like kids his age/size or smaller but loves his big brother. He has a 2yr old cousin that came up and hugged him once and he cried. He will run around with a lil boy his age in his spec class according to his teacher. We ran into the same kiddo at a play place and they acknowledged each other but didn't play together. Unless it's a trusted adult or his brother, my son isn't into socializing., Mine does and doesn’t. I’m keeping an eye on it for sure., My level 1 son has friends who have the same interests as him, game modding and video games such as Mario. He has always liked other kids but was always playing too rough with them. He has always been interested in his little sister and cousins his age., One of my sons loves to play with other kids. My other son could take it or leave it. The only kid he ever really yearns to play with is his brother. Like he might check out what other kids are doing but if they don't want to play what he wants to play then he's not really bothered by it, unless that other kid he was trying to play with is his brother. They're both 3.5., He’s 6, he likes teenagers. That’s it !, Mine isn't interested in stranger kids, random on the playground or at a party. She will interact with well known kids like certain classmates. Like one she met in 4k so they've been in class together 2 years., Kiddo is 7 and has never had a friend. He plays with his little brother but is terrified of his peers and often tells them to go away. He’s made some slight progress this year at school but still a long ways to go. He is verbal, gifted intelligence, no cognitive delays or struggles, no stimming or repetitive behaviors, no sensory issues that we are aware of… honestly his only ASD trait (for lack of a better word) is his extreme social anxiety and some hyperfocus. Every year I think, maybe this will be the year he plays with another peer and… nope. He’s been terrified of them since he was a toddler., Our oldest (more severe) was always social. Youngest prefers her brother, but seems to be coming out of her shell with her classmates now., My 5yo likes older kids way more than kids her age. She wants to take the older kids by the hand and play. The ones her age, she will say hi. Stare at them if they say anything to her. Then just go about her business, Yes, very interested.  He is semi verbal but won't talk much to them.  Just runs alongside smiling and will try to engage in whatever they're doing.  Loves playing with his sister and is much more talkative with her., My daughter is starting to follow other kids around and asking to be their friend. Adorable but sometimes it’s older kids, because she’s interested and curious., My 7yo goes to regular school, does great academically but peer communication is one of his main issues. From what I saw in the beginning of the school year - he worked fine with other kids during the lessons but outside of them - full ignore, he could not even realize that his classmate was talking to him. Around NY his teacher told me he was playing with one girl during the recess and they even got reprimanded for talking in class (which I was super excited about) but it seemed to be a one time thing. I want him to go to some kind of communication group but there is no time and there aren't many (if any) options in our city., my 3 year old loves the 10-17 age group ( so her siblings friends) I feel like this is because they have the patience to do things on her terms ( that and her 16 year old sister's friends spoil her lol) anf the older group tends to be more forgiving 

Kids her age are interested in her but she prefers everything t9 be on her terms and has very restricted play so she doesn't care to much. She's more into being okay with them playing in her space but not with her or anything she has around her, My 3.5 year old (moderate) loves adults and teens. LOATHES kids. He looks at his 2 yr old and 5 mo old brothers like they are disgusting and annoying. Avoids interaction with them and other children at all costs. I take them to story time, art class, play group, museums, etc several times a week. We always leave if he wants to, but I ask him to try to stay just a little while each time. It's...a lot., No, not really., My level 2 son smiles at and follows younger kids on the playground, but doesn't manage to really initiate play. With kids he knows better, like his sister's friend's younger siblings, younger cousins and older sister, he sometimes asks ""can you play with me?"" But doesn't always stay engaged long. Sometimes he can take turns, but most of the time he needs an adult to direct, or to be directing the play himself for it to be 'successful'. It often ends up with my son being sad because someone isn't playing correctly, in his opinion. In large groups, like birthday parties, he withdrawals and prefers independent or parallel play to the organized activity. 

So yes, he has some limited interest in other kids, but can't quite connect usually., Into parallel play at age 4 with no sign of changing, My kid was...a little too interested, but also got along better with adults. They were super nosy and loved butting into any conversation (well, until they got bullied so much that they were forced to be alone), as well as developing hyperfixations on people that I mistook for crushes (they're aro-ace) at first., My 3.5 year old used to give zero fucks about anyone lol. Since starting ABA and preschool she will play limited running and climbing games with my 7 yo son and will watch other kids play with mild interest - especially if they are throwing, catching or dribbling a ball. 

I’ve been told she plays with friends at school sometimes but I haven’t witnessed it myself. I’m assuming it’s just parallel play. 

That’s about it. On a similar note, does anyone have any advice about how to respond to other kids who ask me why my daughter isn’t responding or wanting to play with them? Some of these kids are super young and I’m sure if I just say she doesn’t speak or what?, No, Yes, Yup

Very similar...

He loves though his older brother, My son communicates very little verbally with other kids. He does get around other kids when they play and he is very curious (may leave them without a word when he gets tired) , but adult company is much safer for him because they are less impulsive and pay him dedicated attention.

I heard a 'dialogue' from him and this girl from kg in the shop the other day. This girl was very happy to have accidentally met him.

""Hi, do you come here often?""
""yes""

And that was the whole conversation. They just stood there looking at the wares after. The girl taking her head to his shoulder. 

So I guess sometimes he doesn't need words to get along with someone., Mine loves certain kids. He has always loved his cousin who is only two weeks older than him. He is super protective of his 3 year old brother and adores him. He has a best friend at school and there were few kids he liked when he was in pre-K. But he's mostly apathetic towards other kids. He's been in school since August and is just now becoming more social with other kids besides his best friend., Aw, but that's awesome she shows interest., at least he acknowledges them!, Mine says “no, thank you”, Sounds like my daughter!, Same!, Semi-tolerate for mine lol, Oh that's great!, Yeah sounds like my daughter. She loves tag/chasing games. It's hard for her to communicate otherwise., Yes, same with my daughter., This sounds so similar to my 4yo! I've thought of him the same way as a puppy 😆, My daughters the same way. She finds unique ways to play with objects that other children might find odd. I think it's inventive lol, It sounds like he's trying though so that's great :)  I think my daughter prefers to be a loner. I guess she takes after me lol, Same with my daughter! Right now her only friend is her older brother (he's 9). She doesn't seem bothered by it though. She's content doing her own thing. I get it, I'm the same way., Yeah, my daughter's the same, but hey she's happy. Maybe as she gets older she'll start to form friendships., Thanks! She loves tag and chasing games., That’s our exact situation., Aw. that's great!, Same with my daughter. She loves her older brother, and my husband, and I but doesn't like anyone else., Is he in OT?  You should look into sensory discrimination in the perioceptive domain., Yeah, my daughters prefers adults!, Saying that, my son likes playing online against random kids that he doesn't know. His social awkwardness makes it difficult to make friends at school., They sound so similar! And yes, my daughter seems happy to go solo too. I’ve noticed the neurotypical girls her age are now noticeably outpacing her on a social/emotional level, but she’ll find the friends she needs — if she wants them., Gonna save this comment and come back to it when we're able to get OT set up 👍🏼, Yes, perfectly put!, It's what my son is working on right now. We're doing games where we hit or knock things and label how hard something is with a number. Like as hard as you can is a ten, and very gentle is a 0 or 1. Yesterday he was play fighting with my wife and she said I only want to be hit if it's a zero or a one, and that worked to keep the roughhousing gentle., My 9yo loves other kids, babies, adults and animals. She is ...well, not exactly appropriate in her play, but she does love them. Her best friend is our 2yo neighbor and she will hug her goodbye every morning and say ""bye! Miss uuuuu"", they also play together every evening after school. They are super cute, but it's also a little sad, because it's clear 2yo will outgrow her in a year or two, If a stranger says hi to my kid, the first thing he says is ""Bye Bye"", My son has usually only been interested in other kids as a means to play tag or play with nerf guns. There’s no talk or conversation. He’s a  teen now and we know some other autistic teens and they can be quite chatty, but my son is not very interested in that. 🤷‍♀️, Just his baby sister. She’s the only other kid he’ll tolerate.,  A little bit. He doesn’t like to parallel play but he does like to smile and look at them from funny angles and hug them. He’s nonverbal so he’s really silly and sweet just randomly to certain kids. He will occasionally look over and smile at his sister or laugh at her (she’s 1). We’ve noticed more eye contact with other kids and adults since starting ADHD medication., my kids only 3 but he seeks out other kids at playgrounds for the purpose of chasing him, he doesn’t speak to them or play any other games, My son just turned 5 and is nonverbal most days, limited others. 

He likes to sit in his wagon and watch the other kids play. But if they try to interact with him, he either looks uncomfortable or bemused by it. He has never really played with another child, even his cousin. He prefers to just watch or do his own thing., Mines only 3 but he LOVES other kids. He loves to mimic or join in what they are doing. He doesn’t talk to them much but he is always excited to see other kids. I describe him as a golden retriever puppy. He has the desire to excitedly play but doesn’t know how to initiate appropriately., He interested but seems to lack confidence and doesn’t know how to play what they are playing.

For example, my son is obsessed so try woodchips and will put them in anything he can find outside at daycare, where the other kids are actually playing with the tool bench etc. 

He wanted to play with the coffee cup and my 3 year old niece for really frustrated and kept saying garbage, since to her, her mommy was all done and it’s supposed to go in the garbage, My 4yo asks for 'friends house' every day. He loves other kids, but he still lacks the skills to appropriately communicate/play with them. He'll script ""Hi friends!"", but he can't converse back and forth (I'm hoping that develops later). He's working on sharing and taking turns but he's way behind NT kids his age in that respect, so he unfortunately doesn't make many friends on the playground :(, My daughter will be 7 next week and this sounds highly relatable! She’s mainly interested in her younger brother, who has always been her best friend. She has a few friends at school that she plays with at recess but her teacher said she doesn’t seem interested in forming relationships with her peers., My 4 year old is the same way. He will only play with his cousin. He ignores other kids., Yes and no. He’s only 3 right now but he doesn’t seem to care for any other kid but his cousins. He’s in preschool with other special needs kids and he mostly parallel plays with the kids in his class..he doesn’t really have “friends” yet., My son is 14 and still has no interest in other kids. The difference is that they all like him and he can talk to them better *only in school. Thsts just how he is...he prefers adults. There are other autistic kids I know of that do have friends...its s case of take it a day at a time. He's perfectly happy with that choice BTW...as yet.., Nope. Completely indifferent., My 4 year old is similar in that he only cares to play and interact with his older brother and no one else, but in play places he likes to play around kids and will look at them and laugh. No real interaction yet though, He is starting to get there. His teacher says he is hugging some of the other kids at his preschool, and I have seen him doing activities and playing games in a very limited way with them. I think they are doing most of the work of making the activity or game work.

But he did freak out when another autistic kid who was stimming stopped by his speech therapy the other day. I was, like, child, you are an autistic kid with some stims. What are you doing?, Our son was the same in kindergarten. I think often, he simply didn't hear the other kid say ""Hi"", because he was lost in his own thoughts, and even if he heard, he had no concept on how to respond.

He is slowly showing more interest in other kids now, but still prone to simply walk away when the mood strikes him.

I think the fact that your daughter is interested in her older brother can be an encouraging sign., My son is 11 and had 1 friend for the longest time.  No interest at all in making more friends.  Recently he’s made another friend through the first one though!

I think he just likes what he likes, and if you’re not into it he’s fine to do it on his own.  He’s very particular about how and what he plays., My son never liked other kids, especially babies and toddlers. He said babies looked weird, and small children were too unpredictable. He hadn't once hung out with another kid up until last month, and he's now 15. He also never really responded much when other kids would come up to him. It was super awkward for me to witness... lol

Now in HS he has a small group of friends at high school, but still doesn't really want to hangout. My wife and I push him to have someone over but he always says ""what's the point""., My son is almost 6, totally uninterested in other kids. Not bothered by them but basically acts like they don’t exist

He has a brother 2 years older he plays with here and there and he’s social with me and his dad, My 3yo (level 1) son is interested in other kids. He goes up to them and waves and says “Hi friend!”

He was playing peek-a-boo with my coworker’s 4yo daughter this weekend and my heart almost burst!, My 3 year old son (level 1) is, but he doesn't understand at all what is appropriate and what is not- will try to touch new friends' faces, hug them, play rough, My son is 5. He doesn't like kids his age/size or smaller but loves his big brother. He has a 2yr old cousin that came up and hugged him once and he cried. He will run around with a lil boy his age in his spec class according to his teacher. We ran into the same kiddo at a play place and they acknowledged each other but didn't play together. Unless it's a trusted adult or his brother, my son isn't into socializing., Mine does and doesn’t. I’m keeping an eye on it for sure., My level 1 son has friends who have the same interests as him, game modding and video games such as Mario. He has always liked other kids but was always playing too rough with them. He has always been interested in his little sister and cousins his age., One of my sons loves to play with other kids. My other son could take it or leave it. The only kid he ever really yearns to play with is his brother. Like he might check out what other kids are doing but if they don't want to play what he wants to play then he's not really bothered by it, unless that other kid he was trying to play with is his brother. They're both 3.5., He’s 6, he likes teenagers. That’s it !, Mine isn't interested in stranger kids, random on the playground or at a party. She will interact with well known kids like certain classmates. Like one she met in 4k so they've been in class together 2 years., Kiddo is 7 and has never had a friend. He plays with his little brother but is terrified of his peers and often tells them to go away. He’s made some slight progress this year at school but still a long ways to go. He is verbal, gifted intelligence, no cognitive delays or struggles, no stimming or repetitive behaviors, no sensory issues that we are aware of… honestly his only ASD trait (for lack of a better word) is his extreme social anxiety and some hyperfocus. Every year I think, maybe this will be the year he plays with another peer and… nope. He’s been terrified of them since he was a toddler., Our oldest (more severe) was always social. Youngest prefers her brother, but seems to be coming out of her shell with her classmates now., My 5yo likes older kids way more than kids her age. She wants to take the older kids by the hand and play. The ones her age, she will say hi. Stare at them if they say anything to her. Then just go about her business, Yes, very interested.  He is semi verbal but won't talk much to them.  Just runs alongside smiling and will try to engage in whatever they're doing.  Loves playing with his sister and is much more talkative with her., My daughter is starting to follow other kids around and asking to be their friend. Adorable but sometimes it’s older kids, because she’s interested and curious., My 7yo goes to regular school, does great academically but peer communication is one of his main issues. From what I saw in the beginning of the school year - he worked fine with other kids during the lessons but outside of them - full ignore, he could not even realize that his classmate was talking to him. Around NY his teacher told me he was playing with one girl during the recess and they even got reprimanded for talking in class (which I was super excited about) but it seemed to be a one time thing. I want him to go to some kind of communication group but there is no time and there aren't many (if any) options in our city., my 3 year old loves the 10-17 age group ( so her siblings friends) I feel like this is because they have the patience to do things on her terms ( that and her 16 year old sister's friends spoil her lol) anf the older group tends to be more forgiving 

Kids her age are interested in her but she prefers everything t9 be on her terms and has very restricted play so she doesn't care to much. She's more into being okay with them playing in her space but not with her or anything she has around her, My 3.5 year old (moderate) loves adults and teens. LOATHES kids. He looks at his 2 yr old and 5 mo old brothers like they are disgusting and annoying. Avoids interaction with them and other children at all costs. I take them to story time, art class, play group, museums, etc several times a week. We always leave if he wants to, but I ask him to try to stay just a little while each time. It's...a lot., No, not really., My level 2 son smiles at and follows younger kids on the playground, but doesn't manage to really initiate play. With kids he knows better, like his sister's friend's younger siblings, younger cousins and older sister, he sometimes asks ""can you play with me?"" But doesn't always stay engaged long. Sometimes he can take turns, but most of the time he needs an adult to direct, or to be directing the play himself for it to be 'successful'. It often ends up with my son being sad because someone isn't playing correctly, in his opinion. In large groups, like birthday parties, he withdrawals and prefers independent or parallel play to the organized activity. 

So yes, he has some limited interest in other kids, but can't quite connect usually., Into parallel play at age 4 with no sign of changing, My kid was...a little too interested, but also got along better with adults. They were super nosy and loved butting into any conversation (well, until they got bullied so much that they were forced to be alone), as well as developing hyperfixations on people that I mistook for crushes (they're aro-ace) at first., My 3.5 year old used to give zero fucks about anyone lol. Since starting ABA and preschool she will play limited running and climbing games with my 7 yo son and will watch other kids play with mild interest - especially if they are throwing, catching or dribbling a ball. 

I’ve been told she plays with friends at school sometimes but I haven’t witnessed it myself. I’m assuming it’s just parallel play. 

That’s about it. On a similar note, does anyone have any advice about how to respond to other kids who ask me why my daughter isn’t responding or wanting to play with them? Some of these kids are super young and I’m sure if I just say she doesn’t speak or what?, No, Yes, Yup

Very similar...

He loves though his older brother, My son communicates very little verbally with other kids. He does get around other kids when they play and he is very curious (may leave them without a word when he gets tired) , but adult company is much safer for him because they are less impulsive and pay him dedicated attention.

I heard a 'dialogue' from him and this girl from kg in the shop the other day. This girl was very happy to have accidentally met him.

""Hi, do you come here often?""
""yes""

And that was the whole conversation. They just stood there looking at the wares after. The girl taking her head to his shoulder. 

So I guess sometimes he doesn't need words to get along with someone., Mine loves certain kids. He has always loved his cousin who is only two weeks older than him. He is super protective of his 3 year old brother and adores him. He has a best friend at school and there were few kids he liked when he was in pre-K. But he's mostly apathetic towards other kids. He's been in school since August and is just now becoming more social with other kids besides his best friend., Aw, but that's awesome she shows interest., at least he acknowledges them!, Mine says “no, thank you”, Sounds like my daughter!, Same!, Semi-tolerate for mine lol, Oh that's great!, Yeah sounds like my daughter. She loves tag/chasing games. It's hard for her to communicate otherwise., Yes, same with my daughter., This sounds so similar to my 4yo! I've thought of him the same way as a puppy 😆, My daughters the same way. She finds unique ways to play with objects that other children might find odd. I think it's inventive lol, It sounds like he's trying though so that's great :)  I think my daughter prefers to be a loner. I guess she takes after me lol, Same with my daughter! Right now her only friend is her older brother (he's 9). She doesn't seem bothered by it though. She's content doing her own thing. I get it, I'm the same way., Yeah, my daughter's the same, but hey she's happy. Maybe as she gets older she'll start to form friendships., Thanks! She loves tag and chasing games., That’s our exact situation., Aw. that's great!, Same with my daughter. She loves her older brother, and my husband, and I but doesn't like anyone else., Is he in OT?  You should look into sensory discrimination in the perioceptive domain., Yeah, my daughters prefers adults!, Saying that, my son likes playing online against random kids that he doesn't know. His social awkwardness makes it difficult to make friends at school., They sound so similar! And yes, my daughter seems happy to go solo too. I’ve noticed the neurotypical girls her age are now noticeably outpacing her on a social/emotional level, but she’ll find the friends she needs — if she wants them., Gonna save this comment and come back to it when we're able to get OT set up 👍🏼, Yes, perfectly put!, It's what my son is working on right now. We're doing games where we hit or knock things and label how hard something is with a number. Like as hard as you can is a ten, and very gentle is a 0 or 1. Yesterday he was play fighting with my wife and she said I only want to be hit if it's a zero or a one, and that worked to keep the roughhousing gentle., My 9yo loves other kids, babies, adults and animals. She is ...well, not exactly appropriate in her play, but she does love them. Her best friend is our 2yo neighbor and she will hug her goodbye every morning and say ""bye! Miss uuuuu"", they also play together every evening after school. They are super cute, but it's also a little sad, because it's clear 2yo will outgrow her in a year or two, If a stranger says hi to my kid, the first thing he says is ""Bye Bye"", My son has usually only been interested in other kids as a means to play tag or play with nerf guns. There’s no talk or conversation. He’s a  teen now and we know some other autistic teens and they can be quite chatty, but my son is not very interested in that. 🤷‍♀️, Just his baby sister. She’s the only other kid he’ll tolerate.,  A little bit. He doesn’t like to parallel play but he does like to smile and look at them from funny angles and hug them. He’s nonverbal so he’s really silly and sweet just randomly to certain kids. He will occasionally look over and smile at his sister or laugh at her (she’s 1). We’ve noticed more eye contact with other kids and adults since starting ADHD medication., my kids only 3 but he seeks out other kids at playgrounds for the purpose of chasing him, he doesn’t speak to them or play any other games, My son just turned 5 and is nonverbal most days, limited others. 

He likes to sit in his wagon and watch the other kids play. But if they try to interact with him, he either looks uncomfortable or bemused by it. He has never really played with another child, even his cousin. He prefers to just watch or do his own thing., Mines only 3 but he LOVES other kids. He loves to mimic or join in what they are doing. He doesn’t talk to them much but he is always excited to see other kids. I describe him as a golden retriever puppy. He has the desire to excitedly play but doesn’t know how to initiate appropriately., He interested but seems to lack confidence and doesn’t know how to play what they are playing.

For example, my son is obsessed so try woodchips and will put them in anything he can find outside at daycare, where the other kids are actually playing with the tool bench etc. 

He wanted to play with the coffee cup and my 3 year old niece for really frustrated and kept saying garbage, since to her, her mommy was all done and it’s supposed to go in the garbage, My 4yo asks for 'friends house' every day. He loves other kids, but he still lacks the skills to appropriately communicate/play with them. He'll script ""Hi friends!"", but he can't converse back and forth (I'm hoping that develops later). He's working on sharing and taking turns but he's way behind NT kids his age in that respect, so he unfortunately doesn't make many friends on the playground :(, My daughter will be 7 next week and this sounds highly relatable! She’s mainly interested in her younger brother, who has always been her best friend. She has a few friends at school that she plays with at recess but her teacher said she doesn’t seem interested in forming relationships with her peers., My 4 year old is the same way. He will only play with his cousin. He ignores other kids., Yes and no. He’s only 3 right now but he doesn’t seem to care for any other kid but his cousins. He’s in preschool with other special needs kids and he mostly parallel plays with the kids in his class..he doesn’t really have “friends” yet., My son is 14 and still has no interest in other kids. The difference is that they all like him and he can talk to them better *only in school. Thsts just how he is...he prefers adults. There are other autistic kids I know of that do have friends...its s case of take it a day at a time. He's perfectly happy with that choice BTW...as yet.., Nope. Completely indifferent., My 4 year old is similar in that he only cares to play and interact with his older brother and no one else, but in play places he likes to play around kids and will look at them and laugh. No real interaction yet though, He is starting to get there. His teacher says he is hugging some of the other kids at his preschool, and I have seen him doing activities and playing games in a very limited way with them. I think they are doing most of the work of making the activity or game work.

But he did freak out when another autistic kid who was stimming stopped by his speech therapy the other day. I was, like, child, you are an autistic kid with some stims. What are you doing?, Our son was the same in kindergarten. I think often, he simply didn't hear the other kid say ""Hi"", because he was lost in his own thoughts, and even if he heard, he had no concept on how to respond.

He is slowly showing more interest in other kids now, but still prone to simply walk away when the mood strikes him.

I think the fact that your daughter is interested in her older brother can be an encouraging sign., My son is 11 and had 1 friend for the longest time.  No interest at all in making more friends.  Recently he’s made another friend through the first one though!

I think he just likes what he likes, and if you’re not into it he’s fine to do it on his own.  He’s very particular about how and what he plays., My son never liked other kids, especially babies and toddlers. He said babies looked weird, and small children were too unpredictable. He hadn't once hung out with another kid up until last month, and he's now 15. He also never really responded much when other kids would come up to him. It was super awkward for me to witness... lol

Now in HS he has a small group of friends at high school, but still doesn't really want to hangout. My wife and I push him to have someone over but he always says ""what's the point""., My son is almost 6, totally uninterested in other kids. Not bothered by them but basically acts like they don’t exist

He has a brother 2 years older he plays with here and there and he’s social with me and his dad, My 3yo (level 1) son is interested in other kids. He goes up to them and waves and says “Hi friend!”

He was playing peek-a-boo with my coworker’s 4yo daughter this weekend and my heart almost burst!, My 3 year old son (level 1) is, but he doesn't understand at all what is appropriate and what is not- will try to touch new friends' faces, hug them, play rough, My son is 5. He doesn't like kids his age/size or smaller but loves his big brother. He has a 2yr old cousin that came up and hugged him once and he cried. He will run around with a lil boy his age in his spec class according to his teacher. We ran into the same kiddo at a play place and they acknowledged each other but didn't play together. Unless it's a trusted adult or his brother, my son isn't into socializing., Mine does and doesn’t. I’m keeping an eye on it for sure., My level 1 son has friends who have the same interests as him, game modding and video games such as Mario. He has always liked other kids but was always playing too rough with them. He has always been interested in his little sister and cousins his age., One of my sons loves to play with other kids. My other son could take it or leave it. The only kid he ever really yearns to play with is his brother. Like he might check out what other kids are doing but if they don't want to play what he wants to play then he's not really bothered by it, unless that other kid he was trying to play with is his brother. They're both 3.5., He’s 6, he likes teenagers. That’s it !, Mine isn't interested in stranger kids, random on the playground or at a party. She will interact with well known kids like certain classmates. Like one she met in 4k so they've been in class together 2 years., Kiddo is 7 and has never had a friend. He plays with his little brother but is terrified of his peers and often tells them to go away. He’s made some slight progress this year at school but still a long ways to go. He is verbal, gifted intelligence, no cognitive delays or struggles, no stimming or repetitive behaviors, no sensory issues that we are aware of… honestly his only ASD trait (for lack of a better word) is his extreme social anxiety and some hyperfocus. Every year I think, maybe this will be the year he plays with another peer and… nope. He’s been terrified of them since he was a toddler., Our oldest (more severe) was always social. Youngest prefers her brother, but seems to be coming out of her shell with her classmates now., My 5yo likes older kids way more than kids her age. She wants to take the older kids by the hand and play. The ones her age, she will say hi. Stare at them if they say anything to her. Then just go about her business, Yes, very interested.  He is semi verbal but won't talk much to them.  Just runs alongside smiling and will try to engage in whatever they're doing.  Loves playing with his sister and is much more talkative with her., My daughter is starting to follow other kids around and asking to be their friend. Adorable but sometimes it’s older kids, because she’s interested and curious., My 7yo goes to regular school, does great academically but peer communication is one of his main issues. From what I saw in the beginning of the school year - he worked fine with other kids during the lessons but outside of them - full ignore, he could not even realize that his classmate was talking to him. Around NY his teacher told me he was playing with one girl during the recess and they even got reprimanded for talking in class (which I was super excited about) but it seemed to be a one time thing. I want him to go to some kind of communication group but there is no time and there aren't many (if any) options in our city., my 3 year old loves the 10-17 age group ( so her siblings friends) I feel like this is because they have the patience to do things on her terms ( that and her 16 year old sister's friends spoil her lol) anf the older group tends to be more forgiving 

Kids her age are interested in her but she prefers everything t9 be on her terms and has very restricted play so she doesn't care to much. She's more into being okay with them playing in her space but not with her or anything she has around her, My 3.5 year old (moderate) loves adults and teens. LOATHES kids. He looks at his 2 yr old and 5 mo old brothers like they are disgusting and annoying. Avoids interaction with them and other children at all costs. I take them to story time, art class, play group, museums, etc several times a week. We always leave if he wants to, but I ask him to try to stay just a little while each time. It's...a lot., No, not really., My level 2 son smiles at and follows younger kids on the playground, but doesn't manage to really initiate play. With kids he knows better, like his sister's friend's younger siblings, younger cousins and older sister, he sometimes asks ""can you play with me?"" But doesn't always stay engaged long. Sometimes he can take turns, but most of the time he needs an adult to direct, or to be directing the play himself for it to be 'successful'. It often ends up with my son being sad because someone isn't playing correctly, in his opinion. In large groups, like birthday parties, he withdrawals and prefers independent or parallel play to the organized activity. 

So yes, he has some limited interest in other kids, but can't quite connect usually., Into parallel play at age 4 with no sign of changing, My kid was...a little too interested, but also got along better with adults. They were super nosy and loved butting into any conversation (well, until they got bullied so much that they were forced to be alone), as well as developing hyperfixations on people that I mistook for crushes (they're aro-ace) at first., My 3.5 year old used to give zero fucks about anyone lol. Since starting ABA and preschool she will play limited running and climbing games with my 7 yo son and will watch other kids play with mild interest - especially if they are throwing, catching or dribbling a ball. 

I’ve been told she plays with friends at school sometimes but I haven’t witnessed it myself. I’m assuming it’s just parallel play. 

That’s about it. On a similar note, does anyone have any advice about how to respond to other kids who ask me why my daughter isn’t responding or wanting to play with them? Some of these kids are super young and I’m sure if I just say she doesn’t speak or what?, No, Yes, Yup

Very similar...

He loves though his older brother, My son communicates very little verbally with other kids. He does get around other kids when they play and he is very curious (may leave them without a word when he gets tired) , but adult company is much safer for him because they are less impulsive and pay him dedicated attention.

I heard a 'dialogue' from him and this girl from kg in the shop the other day. This girl was very happy to have accidentally met him.

""Hi, do you come here often?""
""yes""

And that was the whole conversation. They just stood there looking at the wares after. The girl taking her head to his shoulder. 

So I guess sometimes he doesn't need words to get along with someone., Mine loves certain kids. He has always loved his cousin who is only two weeks older than him. He is super protective of his 3 year old brother and adores him. He has a best friend at school and there were few kids he liked when he was in pre-K. But he's mostly apathetic towards other kids. He's been in school since August and is just now becoming more social with other kids besides his best friend., Aw, but that's awesome she shows interest., at least he acknowledges them!, Mine says “no, thank you”, Sounds like my daughter!, Same!, Semi-tolerate for mine lol, Oh that's great!, Yeah sounds like my daughter. She loves tag/chasing games. It's hard for her to communicate otherwise., Yes, same with my daughter., This sounds so similar to my 4yo! I've thought of him the same way as a puppy 😆, My daughters the same way. She finds unique ways to play with objects that other children might find odd. I think it's inventive lol, It sounds like he's trying though so that's great :)  I think my daughter prefers to be a loner. I guess she takes after me lol, Same with my daughter! Right now her only friend is her older brother (he's 9). She doesn't seem bothered by it though. She's content doing her own thing. I get it, I'm the same way., Yeah, my daughter's the same, but hey she's happy. Maybe as she gets older she'll start to form friendships., Thanks! She loves tag and chasing games., That’s our exact situation., Aw. that's great!, Same with my daughter. She loves her older brother, and my husband, and I but doesn't like anyone else., Is he in OT?  You should look into sensory discrimination in the perioceptive domain., Yeah, my daughters prefers adults!, Saying that, my son likes playing online against random kids that he doesn't know. His social awkwardness makes it difficult to make friends at school., They sound so similar! And yes, my daughter seems happy to go solo too. I’ve noticed the neurotypical girls her age are now noticeably outpacing her on a social/emotional level, but she’ll find the friends she needs — if she wants them., Gonna save this comment and come back to it when we're able to get OT set up 👍🏼, Yes, perfectly put!, It's what my son is working on right now. We're doing games where we hit or knock things and label how hard something is with a number. Like as hard as you can is a ten, and very gentle is a 0 or 1. Yesterday he was play fighting with my wife and she said I only want to be hit if it's a zero or a one, and that worked to keep the roughhousing gentle., My 9yo loves other kids, babies, adults and animals. She is ...well, not exactly appropriate in her play, but she does love them. Her best friend is our 2yo neighbor and she will hug her goodbye every morning and say ""bye! Miss uuuuu"", they also play together every evening after school. They are super cute, but it's also a little sad, because it's clear 2yo will outgrow her in a year or two, If a stranger says hi to my kid, the first thing he says is ""Bye Bye"", My son has usually only been interested in other kids as a means to play tag or play with nerf guns. There’s no talk or conversation. He’s a  teen now and we know some other autistic teens and they can be quite chatty, but my son is not very interested in that. 🤷‍♀️, Just his baby sister. She’s the only other kid he’ll tolerate.,  A little bit. He doesn’t like to parallel play but he does like to smile and look at them from funny angles and hug them. He’s nonverbal so he’s really silly and sweet just randomly to certain kids. He will occasionally look over and smile at his sister or laugh at her (she’s 1). We’ve noticed more eye contact with other kids and adults since starting ADHD medication., my kids only 3 but he seeks out other kids at playgrounds for the purpose of chasing him, he doesn’t speak to them or play any other games, My son just turned 5 and is nonverbal most days, limited others. 

He likes to sit in his wagon and watch the other kids play. But if they try to interact with him, he either looks uncomfortable or bemused by it. He has never really played with another child, even his cousin. He prefers to just watch or do his own thing., Mines only 3 but he LOVES other kids. He loves to mimic or join in what they are doing. He doesn’t talk to them much but he is always excited to see other kids. I describe him as a golden retriever puppy. He has the desire to excitedly play but doesn’t know how to initiate appropriately., He interested but seems to lack confidence and doesn’t know how to play what they are playing.

For example, my son is obsessed so try woodchips and will put them in anything he can find outside at daycare, where the other kids are actually playing with the tool bench etc. 

He wanted to play with the coffee cup and my 3 year old niece for really frustrated and kept saying garbage, since to her, her mommy was all done and it’s supposed to go in the garbage, My 4yo asks for 'friends house' every day. He loves other kids, but he still lacks the skills to appropriately communicate/play with them. He'll script ""Hi friends!"", but he can't converse back and forth (I'm hoping that develops later). He's working on sharing and taking turns but he's way behind NT kids his age in that respect, so he unfortunately doesn't make many friends on the playground :(, My daughter will be 7 next week and this sounds highly relatable! She’s mainly interested in her younger brother, who has always been her best friend. She has a few friends at school that she plays with at recess but her teacher said she doesn’t seem interested in forming relationships with her peers., My 4 year old is the same way. He will only play with his cousin. He ignores other kids., Yes and no. He’s only 3 right now but he doesn’t seem to care for any other kid but his cousins. He’s in preschool with other special needs kids and he mostly parallel plays with the kids in his class..he doesn’t really have “friends” yet., My son is 14 and still has no interest in other kids. The difference is that they all like him and he can talk to them better *only in school. Thsts just how he is...he prefers adults. There are other autistic kids I know of that do have friends...its s case of take it a day at a time. He's perfectly happy with that choice BTW...as yet.., Nope. Completely indifferent., My 4 year old is similar in that he only cares to play and interact with his older brother and no one else, but in play places he likes to play around kids and will look at them and laugh. No real interaction yet though, He is starting to get there. His teacher says he is hugging some of the other kids at his preschool, and I have seen him doing activities and playing games in a very limited way with them. I think they are doing most of the work of making the activity or game work.

But he did freak out when another autistic kid who was stimming stopped by his speech therapy the other day. I was, like, child, you are an autistic kid with some stims. What are you doing?, Our son was the same in kindergarten. I think often, he simply didn't hear the other kid say ""Hi"", because he was lost in his own thoughts, and even if he heard, he had no concept on how to respond.

He is slowly showing more interest in other kids now, but still prone to simply walk away when the mood strikes him.

I think the fact that your daughter is interested in her older brother can be an encouraging sign., My son is 11 and had 1 friend for the longest time.  No interest at all in making more friends.  Recently he’s made another friend through the first one though!

I think he just likes what he likes, and if you’re not into it he’s fine to do it on his own.  He’s very particular about how and what he plays., My son never liked other kids, especially babies and toddlers. He said babies looked weird, and small children were too unpredictable. He hadn't once hung out with another kid up until last month, and he's now 15. He also never really responded much when other kids would come up to him. It was super awkward for me to witness... lol

Now in HS he has a small group of friends at high school, but still doesn't really want to hangout. My wife and I push him to have someone over but he always says ""what's the point""., My son is almost 6, totally uninterested in other kids. Not bothered by them but basically acts like they don’t exist

He has a brother 2 years older he plays with here and there and he’s social with me and his dad, My 3yo (level 1) son is interested in other kids. He goes up to them and waves and says “Hi friend!”

He was playing peek-a-boo with my coworker’s 4yo daughter this weekend and my heart almost burst!, My 3 year old son (level 1) is, but he doesn't understand at all what is appropriate and what is not- will try to touch new friends' faces, hug them, play rough, My son is 5. He doesn't like kids his age/size or smaller but loves his big brother. He has a 2yr old cousin that came up and hugged him once and he cried. He will run around with a lil boy his age in his spec class according to his teacher. We ran into the same kiddo at a play place and they acknowledged each other but didn't play together. Unless it's a trusted adult or his brother, my son isn't into socializing., Mine does and doesn’t. I’m keeping an eye on it for sure., My level 1 son has friends who have the same interests as him, game modding and video games such as Mario. He has always liked other kids but was always playing too rough with them. He has always been interested in his little sister and cousins his age., One of my sons loves to play with other kids. My other son could take it or leave it. The only kid he ever really yearns to play with is his brother. Like he might check out what other kids are doing but if they don't want to play what he wants to play then he's not really bothered by it, unless that other kid he was trying to play with is his brother. They're both 3.5., He’s 6, he likes teenagers. That’s it !, Mine isn't interested in stranger kids, random on the playground or at a party. She will interact with well known kids like certain classmates. Like one she met in 4k so they've been in class together 2 years., Kiddo is 7 and has never had a friend. He plays with his little brother but is terrified of his peers and often tells them to go away. He’s made some slight progress this year at school but still a long ways to go. He is verbal, gifted intelligence, no cognitive delays or struggles, no stimming or repetitive behaviors, no sensory issues that we are aware of… honestly his only ASD trait (for lack of a better word) is his extreme social anxiety and some hyperfocus. Every year I think, maybe this will be the year he plays with another peer and… nope. He’s been terrified of them since he was a toddler., Our oldest (more severe) was always social. Youngest prefers her brother, but seems to be coming out of her shell with her classmates now., My 5yo likes older kids way more than kids her age. She wants to take the older kids by the hand and play. The ones her age, she will say hi. Stare at them if they say anything to her. Then just go about her business, Yes, very interested.  He is semi verbal but won't talk much to them.  Just runs alongside smiling and will try to engage in whatever they're doing.  Loves playing with his sister and is much more talkative with her., My daughter is starting to follow other kids around and asking to be their friend. Adorable but sometimes it’s older kids, because she’s interested and curious., My 7yo goes to regular school, does great academically but peer communication is one of his main issues. From what I saw in the beginning of the school year - he worked fine with other kids during the lessons but outside of them - full ignore, he could not even realize that his classmate was talking to him. Around NY his teacher told me he was playing with one girl during the recess and they even got reprimanded for talking in class (which I was super excited about) but it seemed to be a one time thing. I want him to go to some kind of communication group but there is no time and there aren't many (if any) options in our city., my 3 year old loves the 10-17 age group ( so her siblings friends) I feel like this is because they have the patience to do things on her terms ( that and her 16 year old sister's friends spoil her lol) anf the older group tends to be more forgiving 

Kids her age are interested in her but she prefers everything t9 be on her terms and has very restricted play so she doesn't care to much. She's more into being okay with them playing in her space but not with her or anything she has around her, My 3.5 year old (moderate) loves adults and teens. LOATHES kids. He looks at his 2 yr old and 5 mo old brothers like they are disgusting and annoying. Avoids interaction with them and other children at all costs. I take them to story time, art class, play group, museums, etc several times a week. We always leave if he wants to, but I ask him to try to stay just a little while each time. It's...a lot., No, not really., My level 2 son smiles at and follows younger kids on the playground, but doesn't manage to really initiate play. With kids he knows better, like his sister's friend's younger siblings, younger cousins and older sister, he sometimes asks ""can you play with me?"" But doesn't always stay engaged long. Sometimes he can take turns, but most of the time he needs an adult to direct, or to be directing the play himself for it to be 'successful'. It often ends up with my son being sad because someone isn't playing correctly, in his opinion. In large groups, like birthday parties, he withdrawals and prefers independent or parallel play to the organized activity. 

So yes, he has some limited interest in other kids, but can't quite connect usually., Into parallel play at age 4 with no sign of changing, My kid was...a little too interested, but also got along better with adults. They were super nosy and loved butting into any conversation (well, until they got bullied so much that they were forced to be alone), as well as developing hyperfixations on people that I mistook for crushes (they're aro-ace) at first., My 3.5 year old used to give zero fucks about anyone lol. Since starting ABA and preschool she will play limited running and climbing games with my 7 yo son and will watch other kids play with mild interest - especially if they are throwing, catching or dribbling a ball. 

I’ve been told she plays with friends at school sometimes but I haven’t witnessed it myself. I’m assuming it’s just parallel play. 

That’s about it. On a similar note, does anyone have any advice about how to respond to other kids who ask me why my daughter isn’t responding or wanting to play with them? Some of these kids are super young and I’m sure if I just say she doesn’t speak or what?, No, Yes, Yup

Very similar...

He loves though his older brother, My son communicates very little verbally with other kids. He does get around other kids when they play and he is very curious (may leave them without a word when he gets tired) , but adult company is much safer for him because they are less impulsive and pay him dedicated attention.

I heard a 'dialogue' from him and this girl from kg in the shop the other day. This girl was very happy to have accidentally met him.

""Hi, do you come here often?""
""yes""

And that was the whole conversation. They just stood there looking at the wares after. The girl taking her head to his shoulder. 

So I guess sometimes he doesn't need words to get along with someone., Mine loves certain kids. He has always loved his cousin who is only two weeks older than him. He is super protective of his 3 year old brother and adores him. He has a best friend at school and there were few kids he liked when he was in pre-K. But he's mostly apathetic towards other kids. He's been in school since August and is just now becoming more social with other kids besides his best friend., Aw, but that's awesome she shows interest., at least he acknowledges them!, Mine says “no, thank you”, Sounds like my daughter!, Same!, Semi-tolerate for mine lol, Oh that's great!, Yeah sounds like my daughter. She loves tag/chasing games. It's hard for her to communicate otherwise., Yes, same with my daughter., This sounds so similar to my 4yo! I've thought of him the same way as a puppy 😆, My daughters the same way. She finds unique ways to play with objects that other children might find odd. I think it's inventive lol, It sounds like he's trying though so that's great :)  I think my daughter prefers to be a loner. I guess she takes after me lol, Same with my daughter! Right now her only friend is her older brother (he's 9). She doesn't seem bothered by it though. She's content doing her own thing. I get it, I'm the same way., Yeah, my daughter's the same, but hey she's happy. Maybe as she gets older she'll start to form friendships., Thanks! She loves tag and chasing games., That’s our exact situation., Aw. that's great!, Same with my daughter. She loves her older brother, and my husband, and I but doesn't like anyone else., Is he in OT?  You should look into sensory discrimination in the perioceptive domain., Yeah, my daughters prefers adults!, Saying that, my son likes playing online against random kids that he doesn't know. His social awkwardness makes it difficult to make friends at school., They sound so similar! And yes, my daughter seems happy to go solo too. I’ve noticed the neurotypical girls her age are now noticeably outpacing her on a social/emotional level, but she’ll find the friends she needs — if she wants them., Gonna save this comment and come back to it when we're able to get OT set up 👍🏼, Yes, perfectly put!, It's what my son is working on right now. We're doing games where we hit or knock things and label how hard something is with a number. Like as hard as you can is a ten, and very gentle is a 0 or 1. Yesterday he was play fighting with my wife and she said I only want to be hit if it's a zero or a one, and that worked to keep the roughhousing gentle.",Support,Social Interaction
"My 8yo level 2 autistic son spoke with normal range of vocabulary at the normal time frame. However his articulation ie pronunciation is very hard to understand. We have him in private speech twice a week and he was is speech with school district as of 3 years old. None of it has made much difference at all. Like, he sounds the same. Its been 5 years in speech and I have to strain to understand him. My question is, are there autistic adults out there who still have almost unintelligible speech? I am stressing because its just not working and he is getting made fun of for sounding like a baby. I am at a loss. Each session is $100 a pop and its a huge strain to pay for it but I wont stop because I  not going to give up on his speech.
","My 4yo son does have odd sounding ""l"" that he pronounces like ""y"" if that makes sense and it persists despite our modeling of the proper sounding. It's not really a nuisance and we can easily understand when he speaks tho., My 4yo son does have odd sounding ""l"" that he pronounces like ""y"" if that makes sense and it persists despite our modeling of the proper sounding. It's not really a nuisance and we can easily understand when he speaks tho., My 4yo son does have odd sounding ""l"" that he pronounces like ""y"" if that makes sense and it persists despite our modeling of the proper sounding. It's not really a nuisance and we can easily understand when he speaks tho., My 4yo son does have odd sounding ""l"" that he pronounces like ""y"" if that makes sense and it persists despite our modeling of the proper sounding. It's not really a nuisance and we can easily understand when he speaks tho.",Support,Speech Issues
"Hello! He’s two , we have a whole bedtime routine . Milk during tv/stories , pajamas , brush teeth then bed . After I put him down he likes to say milk now . I’ve been telling him dinner is when we eat and then bedtime routine is milk. I  offer water instead which he doesn’t want  . My friend who doesn’t have kids say I should just give it to him. . However I don’t want to mess up his teeth . He’ll drink two cups and have a snack before bed and it’s a hard spout cup? Maybe a comfort thing ? Because sometimes he just holds i hugging but .  He goes to bed shortly after . Am I right or wrong ! Thank you so much . ","Offer water, if he refuses then that’s it. He’s already brushed his teeth. He doesn’t need it. Milk contains lactose which can cause decay if left to sit on his teeth all night. Your bedtime routine sounds great!, I totally understand your struggle, but stick to your bedtime routine! My son used to do the same thing, and if you give in once then he'll keep asking for milk every night. Stay strong!, Thank you everyone you guys are awesome!, [deleted], Ty I know my lil sister had to get caps on her teeth from going to sleep with the bottle . My teeth were messed up by the time I was 18 because my parents didn’t care . lol. I just don’t want to feel like I’m denying him and wasn’t sure if he really understands but I think he does I repeatedly talk about it . Ty it’s hard sometimes not having a parent in the same situation to talk to . I really appreciate it ., A lot of times he only takes a sip or so . I just feel bad denying him ., It’s ok to deny him. I have a 27 year old with autism and I’ve learned that many times we have to be the one to say no. Boundaries, limits, routines and even discipline are all ok. Many of our kiddos don’t know how to self impose limits so we have to help them. I know your little one is only 2, but in the long run it will help if he learns that when mom says “no” , that’s it. You are not denying him his milk, he had it and now it’s bed time., I can’t agree more with this advice. This is the age where kids are testing boundaries, learning what they can get away with. It’s totally normal behavior, but you have to help him understand what is acceptable and what isn’t. 

If you give in on this, you’ll not only set precedence for getting milk every night, but you’ll also be giving the precedence that many other boundaries are optional. 

He will protest, may throw a fit, but if you stick with it and stay consistent, he’ll learn and accept it. 

And you’re doing great!!, I'm of the same thinking. 🙌, Offer water, if he refuses then that’s it. He’s already brushed his teeth. He doesn’t need it. Milk contains lactose which can cause decay if left to sit on his teeth all night. Your bedtime routine sounds great!, I totally understand your struggle, but stick to your bedtime routine! My son used to do the same thing, and if you give in once then he'll keep asking for milk every night. Stay strong!, Thank you everyone you guys are awesome!, [deleted], Ty I know my lil sister had to get caps on her teeth from going to sleep with the bottle . My teeth were messed up by the time I was 18 because my parents didn’t care . lol. I just don’t want to feel like I’m denying him and wasn’t sure if he really understands but I think he does I repeatedly talk about it . Ty it’s hard sometimes not having a parent in the same situation to talk to . I really appreciate it ., A lot of times he only takes a sip or so . I just feel bad denying him ., It’s ok to deny him. I have a 27 year old with autism and I’ve learned that many times we have to be the one to say no. Boundaries, limits, routines and even discipline are all ok. Many of our kiddos don’t know how to self impose limits so we have to help them. I know your little one is only 2, but in the long run it will help if he learns that when mom says “no” , that’s it. You are not denying him his milk, he had it and now it’s bed time., I can’t agree more with this advice. This is the age where kids are testing boundaries, learning what they can get away with. It’s totally normal behavior, but you have to help him understand what is acceptable and what isn’t. 

If you give in on this, you’ll not only set precedence for getting milk every night, but you’ll also be giving the precedence that many other boundaries are optional. 

He will protest, may throw a fit, but if you stick with it and stay consistent, he’ll learn and accept it. 

And you’re doing great!!, I'm of the same thinking. 🙌, Offer water, if he refuses then that’s it. He’s already brushed his teeth. He doesn’t need it. Milk contains lactose which can cause decay if left to sit on his teeth all night. Your bedtime routine sounds great!, I totally understand your struggle, but stick to your bedtime routine! My son used to do the same thing, and if you give in once then he'll keep asking for milk every night. Stay strong!, Thank you everyone you guys are awesome!, [deleted], Ty I know my lil sister had to get caps on her teeth from going to sleep with the bottle . My teeth were messed up by the time I was 18 because my parents didn’t care . lol. I just don’t want to feel like I’m denying him and wasn’t sure if he really understands but I think he does I repeatedly talk about it . Ty it’s hard sometimes not having a parent in the same situation to talk to . I really appreciate it ., A lot of times he only takes a sip or so . I just feel bad denying him ., It’s ok to deny him. I have a 27 year old with autism and I’ve learned that many times we have to be the one to say no. Boundaries, limits, routines and even discipline are all ok. Many of our kiddos don’t know how to self impose limits so we have to help them. I know your little one is only 2, but in the long run it will help if he learns that when mom says “no” , that’s it. You are not denying him his milk, he had it and now it’s bed time., I can’t agree more with this advice. This is the age where kids are testing boundaries, learning what they can get away with. It’s totally normal behavior, but you have to help him understand what is acceptable and what isn’t. 

If you give in on this, you’ll not only set precedence for getting milk every night, but you’ll also be giving the precedence that many other boundaries are optional. 

He will protest, may throw a fit, but if you stick with it and stay consistent, he’ll learn and accept it. 

And you’re doing great!!, I'm of the same thinking. 🙌, Offer water, if he refuses then that’s it. He’s already brushed his teeth. He doesn’t need it. Milk contains lactose which can cause decay if left to sit on his teeth all night. Your bedtime routine sounds great!, I totally understand your struggle, but stick to your bedtime routine! My son used to do the same thing, and if you give in once then he'll keep asking for milk every night. Stay strong!, Thank you everyone you guys are awesome!, [deleted], Ty I know my lil sister had to get caps on her teeth from going to sleep with the bottle . My teeth were messed up by the time I was 18 because my parents didn’t care . lol. I just don’t want to feel like I’m denying him and wasn’t sure if he really understands but I think he does I repeatedly talk about it . Ty it’s hard sometimes not having a parent in the same situation to talk to . I really appreciate it ., A lot of times he only takes a sip or so . I just feel bad denying him ., It’s ok to deny him. I have a 27 year old with autism and I’ve learned that many times we have to be the one to say no. Boundaries, limits, routines and even discipline are all ok. Many of our kiddos don’t know how to self impose limits so we have to help them. I know your little one is only 2, but in the long run it will help if he learns that when mom says “no” , that’s it. You are not denying him his milk, he had it and now it’s bed time., I can’t agree more with this advice. This is the age where kids are testing boundaries, learning what they can get away with. It’s totally normal behavior, but you have to help him understand what is acceptable and what isn’t. 

If you give in on this, you’ll not only set precedence for getting milk every night, but you’ll also be giving the precedence that many other boundaries are optional. 

He will protest, may throw a fit, but if you stick with it and stay consistent, he’ll learn and accept it. 

And you’re doing great!!, I'm of the same thinking. 🙌",Support,Bedtime Routine
"I have an almost 8 year old son and in process of trying to get him diagnosed. We have tried for years to get doctors o listen to us - he has tics ( constantly repeating ), sensory ( picking his nose , licking things) and unbelievable anger/tantrums. We are constantly on egg shells in the house. We don’t know how to handle the bad behaviour - if we say no or times up on screens he will either be placid or get angry when we won’t give in to one more minute. When I say angry I mean shouting, throwing stuff, hitting us ( not with force anymore thankfully): saying mean things. 
Had anyone any guidance? 
School is an issue too but he is also being bullied there. Trying to resolve it but difficult as teachers seem to focus only on his behaviour ( ie sending rude notes). 
Sorry for long post ","I'm so sorry to hear about the challenges you're facing with your son. It sounds like you're going through a lot, I understand how overwhelming it can be. It's so frustrating that you haven't been listened to -- continue seeking professional evaluation and support for your son's needs. Positive reinforcement techniques, consistent routines, and seeking therapy  (OT, ST, ABA, counseling, etc.) might be beneficial to help manage his behavior. Is there anyone else you could work closely with at the school to develop a plan to support him?  Best of luck to you!!, I'm so sorry to hear about the challenges you're facing with your son. It sounds like you're going through a lot, I understand how overwhelming it can be. It's so frustrating that you haven't been listened to -- continue seeking professional evaluation and support for your son's needs. Positive reinforcement techniques, consistent routines, and seeking therapy  (OT, ST, ABA, counseling, etc.) might be beneficial to help manage his behavior. Is there anyone else you could work closely with at the school to develop a plan to support him?  Best of luck to you!!, I'm so sorry to hear about the challenges you're facing with your son. It sounds like you're going through a lot, I understand how overwhelming it can be. It's so frustrating that you haven't been listened to -- continue seeking professional evaluation and support for your son's needs. Positive reinforcement techniques, consistent routines, and seeking therapy  (OT, ST, ABA, counseling, etc.) might be beneficial to help manage his behavior. Is there anyone else you could work closely with at the school to develop a plan to support him?  Best of luck to you!!, I'm so sorry to hear about the challenges you're facing with your son. It sounds like you're going through a lot, I understand how overwhelming it can be. It's so frustrating that you haven't been listened to -- continue seeking professional evaluation and support for your son's needs. Positive reinforcement techniques, consistent routines, and seeking therapy  (OT, ST, ABA, counseling, etc.) might be beneficial to help manage his behavior. Is there anyone else you could work closely with at the school to develop a plan to support him?  Best of luck to you!!",Support,Parental Support
"Even if we give her what she wants she whines. Aba says she whines all day there also but still follows through with goals.  Hoping she grows out to it. She turns 3 in September.   

She has a aac device and we are helping her express her needs.","My son is 11.  I'll let you know when it happens!, I've met so many old people who can't quit whining for 5 minutes. Some people don't grow out of the whine and whimper. Hang tight., Does she have an outlet to meet sensory needs? Either to stimulate or soothe? Are you working with an OT? Anytime there has been an increase in whining with one of my asd kiddos it's due to not feeling well, a need for sensory input, or a need for secure attachment and connection to a parent., My NT daughter is 5, still whines constantly., Does your child have any words they use, or are they nonverbal? 
My son is nonverbal and did a lot of whining early on.  
I look at it as a vocalization of their needs.  Also, my son did tons of pulling.  
We worked redirection using asl a lot around 2.  Not many just the basics. More. Please. Help.  Dad.  
I would say I hear you, do you need help, and I would demonstrate the sign. I think its key to giving them other options. 
The Aac device, if you can make that happen at home, is awesome. My son uses it at Aba and school but hates it at home.  

My son still will pull but much less whining now that he is 4.5.  If he is whining, I know he is distressed and needs to reset. 

Also, from 2-3 is lots of developing.  Nt toddlers are super whiny at 2-3, and  they don't have the challenges our kiddos face.  
3-4 was just steady progress.  My son is still nonverbal, so it does make it tough sometimes. But we work hard.  It's a long journey, and you never know when those jumps in development happen., I’m sorry to say she must be whining bc she’s in some kind of discomfort, like pain.

My girl whines sometimes and it could last for a while but it’s not a permanent state or phase that will pass., My daughter started horrible nonstop whining at 18 months.. but after she learned sign language it mostly stopped once ahe could get her needs met but now a little after 2 years old we are dealing with a bable in place of words, OMG! Please someone tell me it stops. My 4 YO whines each and every time she doesn't want to do something & everytime you tell her ""no,"" or require her to wait more than 2.2 secs, or make her wash her hands, etc. etc., etc.

Please tell me this stops by like age 6. 😭😭, What is she whining about, exactly?, If it makes you feel any better, it's totally developmentally appropriate. They're the terrible two's, not the terrific twos. And soon you will have a Threenager.   
Whining, no matter how aggravating it can be because you were likely raised like me and yelled at for it, is a form of communication. She's exploring her own skills, likes, and dislikes.  
Just take a breath and remember; this is her first time being a person, she doesn't understand how she's acting or how it seems., I think it has less to do with age and more to do with skills. I think as they’re able to communicate more fluently (whether vocally or through a device) and get their sensory needs met, the whining decreases. At least that was the case with me. My son significantly decreased whining at around 4.  

Even though it’s super frustrating I always remember how much more frustrating it must be for my child to have communication barriers and literally experience the world differently., My children used to whine too I just made them self aware and told them to ask me without their voice sounding like that. She’s only 3 so u just have to be patient for now., I wish I knew. My youngest turns 3 on the 29th. He’s really my whiner. My oldest turns 5 in October, he doesn’t really whine at all but if he does, I take it a bit more seriously (for lack of better words). Both preverbal. My youngest is the boy who cried wolf. He whines and cries at me harder for water than he cried when he got bit by a dog., When they bury me?? Haha, This made me laugh as well as relate to so much! My son whines all day long and still does what he needs to donor what we need him to do!, This is so discouraging 😭😂, Why do I feel like you’re talking about me specifically 😂😂😂, 👆🏻 This is what I'm thinking 😂🤣

Edit: and by this I mean, this isn't so much an autism thing as much as it is a people thing. Kids in general are especially prone to whining., I was about to say this, I have both an autistic son and an NT daughter.. the daughter whines just as much if not more 😅, Yes. She repeats what ever we say.  For example, she points up. We say, “say it”, since we know she can. We pick her up and she still whines., I have 4.5 year old boy. I’m hoping the same!, Any better?, I'm exaggerating for comic effect of course!  He has actually improved a ton since the toddler days.  But he still occasionally gets into moods where the whining is constant., Because I'm a whiny ass too 😂, Same 😑, I wonder if maybe there might be discomfort or something she's not sure how to express and let you know..., Any better, Its a tiny bit better as she nears 5. But its still way more than the usual (of course, compared to NT kids)., I think the saying “It takes one to know one” is true then 😂😂😂, Yes, a bit! It's been replaced with some more words and negotiating attempts. He whines at first,  but the time is much shorter....as he realized trying to use his words is much more effective. 

How about on your end?, We are just coming over a sickness so it’s seems to be back to lately, that why revisited this post lol",Treatment,Early Intervention
"My son is 7 and we are both AuDHD. 

He’s medicated with Rit—- it works great but it’s the short acting. He won’t eat when medicated so it’s a balance of big breakfast and big supper because he has zero appetite when medicated.

Lately, when the meds wear off, he’s been behaving like he’s been triggered and I don’t always know why. I learned a lot of ways to stop triggers to his anger but sometimes it builds…

Like he will be acting goofy but inappropriate like throwing things that can damage wall/window, or bouncing balls that can hit table dishes, or wrestling with brother but increasingly hard, or playing with toys or objects but rough and trying to take it apart.

Then that escalates as I try and stop the behaviour and then he gets upset and has a full on tantrum/episode where he’ll actively try and break everything like the TV, or window, or urinate on something and say awful things about me and his brother, and hit us. 

I haven’t figured out how to stop him when he’s full blown BUT I also feel like there is some room in between when he’s amped up but not intentionally harming others/objects but I don’t know what.

Does anyone have strategies?

Also… I wonder if it’s time to change meds. The issue is they work so so well until they wear off… would other meds be better? I know it can be such a challenge to find meds that work. ","Could it be the medication wears off too quickly, so for instance around 16h a tiny bit can help take the edge off?, No advice, but this sounds exactly like my 8 y/o son who is AuDHD. He's also on ritalin. He's on a long acting dose he takes in the morning along with a short acting dose, plus another short acting dose at lunch. He does great for the most part once the med kicks in, but we can tell the moment the meds wear off in the late afternoon. Then it's like he turns into another person.  Says really mean things, has no filter with his mouth, punches, screams. He can barely function. It's a window from 5-6:30 & then miraculously at 6:30 he chills out again. It's been worse since daylight savings time for some reason. 

We're trying different things like just giving him youtube on the TV in the living room alone while he repeatedly jumps off the couch on the crash pad. Yesterday I took him to a park late & we got back around 6. He did well, but then he was a mess later & it was like his dysregulation time just got pushed back.  

He also only eats right before bed time or when he first gets up. Every night when it's time to get ready for bed that's when he's all of a sudden starving., Could it be the medication wears off too quickly, so for instance around 16h a tiny bit can help take the edge off?, No advice, but this sounds exactly like my 8 y/o son who is AuDHD. He's also on ritalin. He's on a long acting dose he takes in the morning along with a short acting dose, plus another short acting dose at lunch. He does great for the most part once the med kicks in, but we can tell the moment the meds wear off in the late afternoon. Then it's like he turns into another person.  Says really mean things, has no filter with his mouth, punches, screams. He can barely function. It's a window from 5-6:30 & then miraculously at 6:30 he chills out again. It's been worse since daylight savings time for some reason. 

We're trying different things like just giving him youtube on the TV in the living room alone while he repeatedly jumps off the couch on the crash pad. Yesterday I took him to a park late & we got back around 6. He did well, but then he was a mess later & it was like his dysregulation time just got pushed back.  

He also only eats right before bed time or when he first gets up. Every night when it's time to get ready for bed that's when he's all of a sudden starving., Could it be the medication wears off too quickly, so for instance around 16h a tiny bit can help take the edge off?, No advice, but this sounds exactly like my 8 y/o son who is AuDHD. He's also on ritalin. He's on a long acting dose he takes in the morning along with a short acting dose, plus another short acting dose at lunch. He does great for the most part once the med kicks in, but we can tell the moment the meds wear off in the late afternoon. Then it's like he turns into another person.  Says really mean things, has no filter with his mouth, punches, screams. He can barely function. It's a window from 5-6:30 & then miraculously at 6:30 he chills out again. It's been worse since daylight savings time for some reason. 

We're trying different things like just giving him youtube on the TV in the living room alone while he repeatedly jumps off the couch on the crash pad. Yesterday I took him to a park late & we got back around 6. He did well, but then he was a mess later & it was like his dysregulation time just got pushed back.  

He also only eats right before bed time or when he first gets up. Every night when it's time to get ready for bed that's when he's all of a sudden starving., Could it be the medication wears off too quickly, so for instance around 16h a tiny bit can help take the edge off?, No advice, but this sounds exactly like my 8 y/o son who is AuDHD. He's also on ritalin. He's on a long acting dose he takes in the morning along with a short acting dose, plus another short acting dose at lunch. He does great for the most part once the med kicks in, but we can tell the moment the meds wear off in the late afternoon. Then it's like he turns into another person.  Says really mean things, has no filter with his mouth, punches, screams. He can barely function. It's a window from 5-6:30 & then miraculously at 6:30 he chills out again. It's been worse since daylight savings time for some reason. 

We're trying different things like just giving him youtube on the TV in the living room alone while he repeatedly jumps off the couch on the crash pad. Yesterday I took him to a park late & we got back around 6. He did well, but then he was a mess later & it was like his dysregulation time just got pushed back.  

He also only eats right before bed time or when he first gets up. Every night when it's time to get ready for bed that's when he's all of a sudden starving.",Treatment,Medication
"Hi there, I am a mom of a 1 year and 7month old cute boy. He was recently diagnosed with Autism and before this, his neurologist runned some blood work for genetic testing.

Frágil X syndrome, Microrray and Karyotype came out normal range. Although, they found that Chromosome 2 has a Homozygocity Stretch in the long arm. They stated as following “ this observation increases the suspicion of possible recessive disorder. 

I am waiting on response for his Neuro and pediatrician to see how we proceed. I know I should wait for professional advice but have any parent out here gone through same or similar findings with genetic testing ? Specifically the autosomal Recessive disorder.

Thanks In advance.
","To me, there is not point or value in this type of testing, either way they still have autism. Normally they don’t even find anything on the tests. Even if they find something there’s nothing they can do so it’s kind of pointless., I understand your point of view. I also know it doesn’t change anything in the fact that he will still have autism. Don’t get me wrong I love my child the same way if he had or hadn’t. The meaning of my question is like I’m concerned if this is relate to other type of genetic disorders or conditions. Because I was reading about 3 conditions that scared the heck out off me and the thought of something worst happening to my baby brakes my heart. I was reading to that autism causes a lot of abnormalities in chromosomes. 

But thanks for your response., This. The point of genetic testing is not to remove our kids autism, that will never happen. The point is to better understand if genetic deletions, duplications or mutations can shed some light into what to expect in terms of our children’s development and possible comorbidities. 

My son’s testing showed he has a microdeletion in one of his chromosomes. In his case little is known (and we sign up for every study so in the future parents can receive more information than we have), but part of what little is known is that this particular deletion significantly impacts language development. It seems in every case kids end up being verbal but not without years of speech therapy and a significant delay. There are also some additional health concerns, like epilepsy, which thankfully have been ruled out for my son but we need to keep an eye on as it can be developed later in life as well., To me, there is not point or value in this type of testing, either way they still have autism. Normally they don’t even find anything on the tests. Even if they find something there’s nothing they can do so it’s kind of pointless., I understand your point of view. I also know it doesn’t change anything in the fact that he will still have autism. Don’t get me wrong I love my child the same way if he had or hadn’t. The meaning of my question is like I’m concerned if this is relate to other type of genetic disorders or conditions. Because I was reading about 3 conditions that scared the heck out off me and the thought of something worst happening to my baby brakes my heart. I was reading to that autism causes a lot of abnormalities in chromosomes. 

But thanks for your response., This. The point of genetic testing is not to remove our kids autism, that will never happen. The point is to better understand if genetic deletions, duplications or mutations can shed some light into what to expect in terms of our children’s development and possible comorbidities. 

My son’s testing showed he has a microdeletion in one of his chromosomes. In his case little is known (and we sign up for every study so in the future parents can receive more information than we have), but part of what little is known is that this particular deletion significantly impacts language development. It seems in every case kids end up being verbal but not without years of speech therapy and a significant delay. There are also some additional health concerns, like epilepsy, which thankfully have been ruled out for my son but we need to keep an eye on as it can be developed later in life as well., To me, there is not point or value in this type of testing, either way they still have autism. Normally they don’t even find anything on the tests. Even if they find something there’s nothing they can do so it’s kind of pointless., I understand your point of view. I also know it doesn’t change anything in the fact that he will still have autism. Don’t get me wrong I love my child the same way if he had or hadn’t. The meaning of my question is like I’m concerned if this is relate to other type of genetic disorders or conditions. Because I was reading about 3 conditions that scared the heck out off me and the thought of something worst happening to my baby brakes my heart. I was reading to that autism causes a lot of abnormalities in chromosomes. 

But thanks for your response., This. The point of genetic testing is not to remove our kids autism, that will never happen. The point is to better understand if genetic deletions, duplications or mutations can shed some light into what to expect in terms of our children’s development and possible comorbidities. 

My son’s testing showed he has a microdeletion in one of his chromosomes. In his case little is known (and we sign up for every study so in the future parents can receive more information than we have), but part of what little is known is that this particular deletion significantly impacts language development. It seems in every case kids end up being verbal but not without years of speech therapy and a significant delay. There are also some additional health concerns, like epilepsy, which thankfully have been ruled out for my son but we need to keep an eye on as it can be developed later in life as well., To me, there is not point or value in this type of testing, either way they still have autism. Normally they don’t even find anything on the tests. Even if they find something there’s nothing they can do so it’s kind of pointless., I understand your point of view. I also know it doesn’t change anything in the fact that he will still have autism. Don’t get me wrong I love my child the same way if he had or hadn’t. The meaning of my question is like I’m concerned if this is relate to other type of genetic disorders or conditions. Because I was reading about 3 conditions that scared the heck out off me and the thought of something worst happening to my baby brakes my heart. I was reading to that autism causes a lot of abnormalities in chromosomes. 

But thanks for your response., This. The point of genetic testing is not to remove our kids autism, that will never happen. The point is to better understand if genetic deletions, duplications or mutations can shed some light into what to expect in terms of our children’s development and possible comorbidities. 

My son’s testing showed he has a microdeletion in one of his chromosomes. In his case little is known (and we sign up for every study so in the future parents can receive more information than we have), but part of what little is known is that this particular deletion significantly impacts language development. It seems in every case kids end up being verbal but not without years of speech therapy and a significant delay. There are also some additional health concerns, like epilepsy, which thankfully have been ruled out for my son but we need to keep an eye on as it can be developed later in life as well.",Support,Genetic Testing
"Here is the [Book](https://www.canva.com/design/DAFwRHORE04/4NUMozY9Od1g1hGvC8LREQ/edit?utm_content=DAFwRHORE04&utm_campaign=designshare&utm_medium=link2&utm_source=sharebutton). Please think about some of these questions:

1. What are some ways we can be more understanding and supportive of our friends who may have unique challenges, like sensory sensitivity?
2. Imagine the world from Alex's perspective. How would it be different from your own? What would be the same?

Answer some questions or comment on the book. I want to start a discussion. Thank you!","Why are you giving us homework? Lol, I liked how Alex shared his perspective so his friend could understand better. One thing I think is really important to reduce the stigma of autism is try to get people to understand what it’s like for individuals living with autism., I agree I think if we get people to understand, especially kids and young people. It can make the most difference.",Support,Educational Resource
"Sorry I am not sure if this is allowed to be posted here if not please feel free to take down or let me know. I am going to be setting up at a local autism Awareness fair in my area and will be setting up a game or two for people to play for free but wanted some advice on what type of prizes parents would be fine with them winning. I do laser engraving and 3d printing and had some stickers I bought to give as small prizes. I was planning on making small articulating prints as well in the shape of different animals. I know all children will be different with what they may like and that's why I would like the view of the parents of what they wouldn't mind the kiddos having. I do the articulating animals because my nephew loves toys that move about so figured some may also like. Thank you for any advice and again sorry if this is the wrong place for this

Tl;DR setting up at a fair want to know what gifts they are fine with kids getting. ","Is it specifically a kids' fair or just more broadly an autism awareness fair? If it's the latter, I wouldn't intentionally gear it toward kids. We have way too many autism-focused entities in this world that implicitly assume autism=kid., I believe it is an all around. But wasn't sure if sure if anyone beyond kids would be interested in my games. Thank you for pointing that out what items would you think would work in general then, One idea could be items that are more practical, such as a soap holder, picture frame, lamp shade, or bird feeder mixed in with the little animals.  You could also have more complex versions of your game or perhaps also a short CAD contest where the person with the most votes gets to 3D print their item using your setup (maybe make sure people only design things that can be printed in a certain time limit)., That is a great idea for the printing thing sadly no power at the event we are prepping and taking everything in so cant run printers on site. I can do the soap holders though may do a few of them. Thank you, Is it specifically a kids' fair or just more broadly an autism awareness fair? If it's the latter, I wouldn't intentionally gear it toward kids. We have way too many autism-focused entities in this world that implicitly assume autism=kid., I believe it is an all around. But wasn't sure if sure if anyone beyond kids would be interested in my games. Thank you for pointing that out what items would you think would work in general then, One idea could be items that are more practical, such as a soap holder, picture frame, lamp shade, or bird feeder mixed in with the little animals.  You could also have more complex versions of your game or perhaps also a short CAD contest where the person with the most votes gets to 3D print their item using your setup (maybe make sure people only design things that can be printed in a certain time limit)., That is a great idea for the printing thing sadly no power at the event we are prepping and taking everything in so cant run printers on site. I can do the soap holders though may do a few of them. Thank you, Is it specifically a kids' fair or just more broadly an autism awareness fair? If it's the latter, I wouldn't intentionally gear it toward kids. We have way too many autism-focused entities in this world that implicitly assume autism=kid., I believe it is an all around. But wasn't sure if sure if anyone beyond kids would be interested in my games. Thank you for pointing that out what items would you think would work in general then, One idea could be items that are more practical, such as a soap holder, picture frame, lamp shade, or bird feeder mixed in with the little animals.  You could also have more complex versions of your game or perhaps also a short CAD contest where the person with the most votes gets to 3D print their item using your setup (maybe make sure people only design things that can be printed in a certain time limit)., That is a great idea for the printing thing sadly no power at the event we are prepping and taking everything in so cant run printers on site. I can do the soap holders though may do a few of them. Thank you, Is it specifically a kids' fair or just more broadly an autism awareness fair? If it's the latter, I wouldn't intentionally gear it toward kids. We have way too many autism-focused entities in this world that implicitly assume autism=kid., I believe it is an all around. But wasn't sure if sure if anyone beyond kids would be interested in my games. Thank you for pointing that out what items would you think would work in general then, One idea could be items that are more practical, such as a soap holder, picture frame, lamp shade, or bird feeder mixed in with the little animals.  You could also have more complex versions of your game or perhaps also a short CAD contest where the person with the most votes gets to 3D print their item using your setup (maybe make sure people only design things that can be printed in a certain time limit)., That is a great idea for the printing thing sadly no power at the event we are prepping and taking everything in so cant run printers on site. I can do the soap holders though may do a few of them. Thank you",Support,Gift Ideas
Has anyone ever had their 2 year olds autism evaluation done at home instead of in an office or clinic?,"My 4 year olds had theirs at home, and it was really good. They were more at ease and the practitioners brought a suitcase full of toys and games to use during the play evaluation., Ours was done at 18m in clinic, Nope was at Clinic by Behavioral Pediatrician, Neurologist & Psychologist., My 4 year olds had theirs at home, and it was really good. They were more at ease and the practitioners brought a suitcase full of toys and games to use during the play evaluation., Ours was done at 18m in clinic, Nope was at Clinic by Behavioral Pediatrician, Neurologist & Psychologist., My 4 year olds had theirs at home, and it was really good. They were more at ease and the practitioners brought a suitcase full of toys and games to use during the play evaluation., Ours was done at 18m in clinic, Nope was at Clinic by Behavioral Pediatrician, Neurologist & Psychologist., My 4 year olds had theirs at home, and it was really good. They were more at ease and the practitioners brought a suitcase full of toys and games to use during the play evaluation., Ours was done at 18m in clinic, Nope was at Clinic by Behavioral Pediatrician, Neurologist & Psychologist.",Diagnosis,Autism Evaluation
"Have y’all tested your kids IQ? Just wondering the best way to do that



","It is a requirement for kids to get tested for enrollment at my kids school (it's a school for kids with disabilities). They couldn't even test my kid because she had zero interest in cooperating., It was tested as part of the school evaluation. Note that it is common for the scores to be very uneven., It was part of his evaluation and eventually his diagnosis. He has a 140 IQ ,but makes C's and D's in middle school. It doesn't mean much when they aren't interested in what they are learning lol. He's brilliant just not motivated., No, but his school did a cognitive test on him. I’m just gonna say it was high., It is a requirement for kids to get tested for enrollment at my kids school (it's a school for kids with disabilities). They couldn't even test my kid because she had zero interest in cooperating., It was tested as part of the school evaluation. Note that it is common for the scores to be very uneven., It was part of his evaluation and eventually his diagnosis. He has a 140 IQ ,but makes C's and D's in middle school. It doesn't mean much when they aren't interested in what they are learning lol. He's brilliant just not motivated., No, but his school did a cognitive test on him. I’m just gonna say it was high., It is a requirement for kids to get tested for enrollment at my kids school (it's a school for kids with disabilities). They couldn't even test my kid because she had zero interest in cooperating., It was tested as part of the school evaluation. Note that it is common for the scores to be very uneven., It was part of his evaluation and eventually his diagnosis. He has a 140 IQ ,but makes C's and D's in middle school. It doesn't mean much when they aren't interested in what they are learning lol. He's brilliant just not motivated., No, but his school did a cognitive test on him. I’m just gonna say it was high., It is a requirement for kids to get tested for enrollment at my kids school (it's a school for kids with disabilities). They couldn't even test my kid because she had zero interest in cooperating., It was tested as part of the school evaluation. Note that it is common for the scores to be very uneven., It was part of his evaluation and eventually his diagnosis. He has a 140 IQ ,but makes C's and D's in middle school. It doesn't mean much when they aren't interested in what they are learning lol. He's brilliant just not motivated., No, but his school did a cognitive test on him. I’m just gonna say it was high.",Diagnosis,IQ Testing
"I wanted to ask others’ opinion on the lawsuit against Tylenol. I took Tylenol when I was pregnant, but I can’t remember how much or even if it was that often. I feel wrong joining the suit when I don’t know what caused my son’s autism, and I’m not sure if Tylenol even contributed to it. What are your thoughts?","We are leaving this up because it’s important for people who see this targeted ads to understand there has been no conclusive link found between paracetamol/acetaminophen/Tylenol and an autism diagnosis. We will lock the thread if we have to but OP is not violating a rule by asking if this is bullshit., It’s bullshit with no real scientific backing. It might make money with a settlement but it’s not based in science (some studies* show a correlation between a large use of acetaminophen during pregnancy and autism but not moderate use.) 

They aren’t even suing the manufacturers- they’re suing the retailers for not adding a warning for pregnant people that the FDA didn’t require. It’s a money grab. 

*a correlation could mean the increased chance of autism is if the pregnant mother had inflammation or a fever and thus- coincidentally- took Tylenol., Tylenol does not cause autism. This is misinformation in a similar way that the idea of vaccines causing autism is., I took no Tylenol or any medications during my pregnancy and my son is still autistic. Like others have said, it’s mostly due to genetics with perhaps environmental factors. I doubt you’ll get much money for it especially if the attorneys get big chunk of it and the rest will be divided up amongst who knows how many people who will also be part of this lawsuit 😞, I took Tylenol and both of my children have Autism.

My wife didn't, but I still have my suspicions.

^Do ^I ^really ^need ^the ^/s ^here?, I took Tylenol with both my girls. Only one of them is autistic, the one that was born premature and had a stroke at birth because of my placental abruption. Many women use Tylenol in pregnancy, and as an Ob nurse we still prescribe it. I don’t think Tylenol causing autism has any real leg to stand on., Tylenol does not cause autism. It is misinformation and has no real scientific backing., There have been other studies done showing that various medications are correlated with increased issues with babies. But the thing is, you’re taking medication for a reason. Maybe you’re getting sick a lot, maybe you had a nasty case of the flu, maybe you’re having serious mental health issues. Who’s to say if the medication is at fault or the illness itself? You can’t do a study where you randomly assign a bunch of pregnant women to take drugs and see what happens. 

I read one study about depression reducing fertility in women, so they believed antidepressants might be at fault, but then discovered that women who were diagnosed with depression and unmedicated had lower fertility than medicated depressed women. (But all had lower fertility than healthy women), it’s very unlikely that tylenol causes autism. any medication while pregnant can run the risk of causing adverse side effects for you or your baby but autism is usually influenced by genetics or environmental factors such as older fathers and stuff

editing to add that it’s most likely the fevers themselves that are causing autism in these cases and not the tylenol. frequent fevers in the first trimester have been linked to increased chances of the baby(s) having autism, There is some science saying that Tylenol taken in the first trimester may act as one of the environmental factors that combine with genetics to result in autism.

I’m not a scientist, but it sounds like the data used in the studies is not that reliable.

Me personally, I wouldn’t join the lawsuit.  I don’t know how we can expect drug manufacturers to warn people of things they don’t know about yet., I have four children. I took Tylenol maybe a couple times at the most, throughout my first three pregnancies. I did not take any medications at all with my fourth child. He is my only child with autism., Tylenol causing autism has same reliability as the fact that ice cream causes crime., My thoughts are it’s just fear mongering. I would not join the suit and I would move on with my life., It makes me INCREDIBLY angry. Tylenol is the ONLY pain Med most of us can take while pregnant. All it’s doing is driving fear and it’s insanely inaccurate., No scientific backing. It’s just as much related as vaccines are. 

Nothing caused autism. You having your genetics mixing with your partners. That’s it. There’s no big environmental reason. I freaking wish. Tylenol is all you can take when your pregnant. It’s like saying water caused it or having an ultrasound or bloodwork. 

It’s stupid., Total bullshit and I don’t need to be compensated for my child, I took Tylenol through my whole pregnancy. I have twins and only one has autism lol. I think that’s what debunked it for me., I didn't take it in my pregnancy with my son and he's autistic, my husband is autistic and his mother is very anti everything lol, From the UK.

During my pregnancy 12 years ago I took Paracetamol regularly for back/hip pain, had a course of antibiotics for an infected sebaceous cyst on my neck which was huge and at 26 weeks was diagnosed with preeclampsia for which I was on 12 Labetalol a day to lower my blood pressure (didn’t work very well). 
My son was small for his gestation and stopped growing by 35 weeks, probably due to my blood pressure. 
He was 5lb 9oz at his birth at 37 weeks via emergency c-section.
I knew from 9 months old he was possibly delayed and having sensory issues and it took until 7 years old to get his autism diagnosis.

Did any of the above cause his autism? Maybe but it could also have been genetic as he is exactly like my older brother who is 52 and undiagnosed (most likely autistic though) plus I am currently waiting for ADHD assessment so there are those things to think about.

I think people need to stop worrying about why their child is autistic and just live their lives happily, it doesn’t change anything or make you happier with it all. Plus putting yourself through suing over a commonly used drug just won’t end how they want it to. 

THERE IS NO PROOF AND NEVER WILL BE., Yeah I had heard the same. I took Tylenol with both my pregnancies. My son has it but my daughter does not. But tbh I can’t even remember the name of the dr who delivered my son or the name of the practice. It was 16 years ago in a town I don’t live in anymore. I mean how would I prove this without any hospital records?, Although it doesn’t cause Autism, it really bad for your liver. Take it with caution, never take more than recommended, and don’t take it if you drink more than you should., I have a chronic pain condition and was told I could only take Tylenol during my pregnancy. I stopped all other medicine before I got pregnant and had to deal with a lot of pain since Tylenol didn't help as much as other medicine did.  I took it often and felt bad about it. 

Now I keep seeing all these ads about Tylenol and autism and I feel like absolute crap. I really felt like I was being so good by only taking Tylenol and enduring a lot of pain through my pregnancy. 

I don't know if there is a real correlation or not,  but if I could go back I wouldn't have taken the Tylenol because now I have that in the back of my mind., I’m skeptical of that claim. Tylenol, when you include the generic versions, is literally one of the most commonly consumed drugs in the world. If it contributes to autism then everyone would have this condition., I have been wondering this myself. I took a SHIT ton of Tylenol (obviously as prescribed doses) but pretty much throughout my whole pregnancy. My daughter was a premie at 35 weeks and now is 2.5 and a dx for ASD. I’ve always wondered about it so if it’s actually a thing I’ll gladly take the money. I honestly don’t think it does but I’m very curious myself., I took no Tylenol because I kept seeing those ads pop up while I was pregnant, my daughter has ASD, So I clicked on it just to see what they were trying to do and I started to fill out the questionnaire. There are 100 reasons to disqualify you. My son had the cord around his neck. (No trauma was caused, not my only kid to have that but the only ASD.) so….,  Yeah I sort of figured this lawsuit was a hoax and never looked into it because I haven't seen any news or anything to back up that's it's legit and I was afraid to sign up for it thinking that they are trying to get my contact info to send me spam or might ask for money or something EDIT: after briefly skimming what pops up on Google after searching Tylenol lawsuit it appears there is a legitimate tort claim going and there is an estimated payout, I just need to get this out somewhere. I googled where I rant about the Tylenol lawsuit. This came up. Ok so I am a party to the lawsuit. I hear about it. I know different things about where we're at with what causes autism. My understanding of it then is the same as it is now. People with a genetic predisposition can be affected by environmental factors resulting in autism. So we don't know all the genetics we don't know about all the factors. And I joined the suit because I asked my doctor if Tylenol was safe while pregnant. He was an old obgyn he was past retiring but still practicing. And he shook his head and said nothing is best. Nothing is totally safe. Of course I understand that a fever is more dangerous than potentially causing ADHD to a pregnancy. But I want all the potential factors put up on billboards right in our faces. I want people to know that stress increases your chances of having a child with autism. I took Tylenol while I was pregnant because I always take Tylenol, I will suffer with migraines if I don't and I like to keep them down, the migraines. I take acetaminophen products still and live in a terrible way with myself what have I done why can't I stop. I took Tylenol because all the other moms said I could. But the Dr. shook his head. Now the judge in the case is going to dismiss it all and the evidence can never be used again and she's saying the lawyers were cherry picking data. So I'm mad now because like I said I want anything that can be a factor to cause autism to be well known. I just feel like you have to explain it the right way. You can't just say Tylenol causes autism. You have to say that for the people with the genetic predisposition for autism Tylenol may increase the chances of your child developing autism. It's an environmental factor. But it doesn't just cause autism. To the best of my knowledge that is my belief. Thanks for listening, Similac or any artificial baby milk causing autism is more convincing., [removed], I never took it during my pregnancy, I’m always extra skeptical of reports like this because while the same criteria for diagnosis and title didn’t exist it doesn’t seem like autism only began to exist when Tylenol and vaccines were being used by the general public. It is also worth mentioning that the eggs each woman has as an adult are present when she herself is in her mother’s uterus so it would be hard to say if anything any mother does is the main factor. 

I did take Tylenol with all 3 pregnancies. The most with my 1st and 3rd pregnancies as those pregnancies caused me to be in a lot of pain. Very little in my 2nd. My 2nd child is the one with ASD. I ate healthiest with him, too., Just another Wakefield situation ..., * Tylenol isn't FDA approved or ever reviewed by FDA for safety.  The Obama administration said they would look at grandfathered drugs like Tylenol, but didn't actually do anything about it.
* There's older studies about even short term Tylenol use leading to a significant increase of auto-immune disorders years later.
* Tylenol is known to decrease glutathione in cells.  Glutathione is needed in human cells for detoxification pathways to work, leading to being less resistent to environmental pollution and such.
* About genetics, there's a lot of varibles to understand.  It's known that there's environmental factors that can affect various gene changes.  For example a common misconception is about down syndome. ""Does Down syndrome run in families? All three types of Down syndrome are genetic conditions (relating to the genes), but only 1% of all cases of Down syndrome have a hereditary component (passed from parent to child through the genes). Heredity is not a factor in trisomy 21 (nondisjunction) and mosaicism.""  I also have a friend that's blind, and 2 out of 3 of his kids have same eye condition, but they can see better and drive due to medical advances in surgeries.  In his family tree, his mom had the same eye condition, but no one before her does.  That is to say, that his heredity eye condition occured spontaneously (likely due to environmental factors), and is now a heredity condition of 2 of his kids, in which their kids could have it.  Everything eventually comes back to environment factors if you look hard enough, or far back enough.
* I live in the city.  Not far from a major interstate highway, which years ago had a major gasoline spill into the water, of several thousand gallons of gas spilled.  I now have 3 kids with severe autism.  There's also 3 different families (each immigrant families, but all from different countries) each within about a block or 2 from me that now have a down syndrome child.  So I'm a strong a believer of environmental factors.
* For my wife, she grew up in a state with a very high incidence of autism kids.  Her state has a lot of natural gas operations, and in the town she grew up in had a major chemical spill into the drinking water by the local military base (which they literally tried covering up with dirt and ignoring the spill), so the incidence of cancer in her town is extremely high.  About every family in town has had at least one member of their family with cancer., There are so many other potential factors at play here, you'd need a really really strong effect to show in the data and then some theory to back it..

Cause otherwise you can't say for sure it isn't x,y,z or any other unlimited possibilities.., Autism and adhd are genetic, it’s passed by genes.  It’s growing because people with adhd and autism have more babies and the chances are 50% to pass the gene.  I hate false information being spread with 0 scientific backing., I just heard about this. I hate that it even came out because I already felt guilty that it’s my fault and now I feel even more like I caused it, [https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6455058/#:\~:text=Acetaminophen%20%E2%80%93%20a%20potent%20physical%20painkiller,to%20emotional%20awareness%20and%20motivation](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/pmc6455058/#:~:text=acetaminophen%20%e2%80%93%20a%20potent%20physical%20painkiller,to%20emotional%20awareness%20and%20motivation)

Acetaminophen – a potent physical painkiller that also reduces empathy for other people’s suffering – blunts physical and social pain by reducing activation in brain areas (i.e. anterior insula and anterior cingulate) thought to be related to emotional awareness and motivation. Some neuroimaging research on positive empathy (i.e., the perception and sharing of positive affect in other people) suggests that the experience of positive empathy also recruits these paralimbic cortical brain areas. We thus hypothesized that acetaminophen may also impair affective processes related to the experience of positive empathy. We tested this hypothesis in a double-blind, placebo-controlled experiment. Specifically, we administered 1,000 mg acetaminophen or a placebo and measured effects on different measures of positive empathy while participants read scenarios about the uplifting experiences of other people. Results showed that acetaminophen reduced personal pleasure and other-directed empathic feelings in response to these scenarios. In contrast, effects on perceived positivity of the described experiences or perceived pleasure in scenario protagonists were not significant. These findings suggest that (1) acetaminophen reduces affective reactivity to other people’s positive experiences and (2) the experience of physical pain and positive empathy may have a more similar neurochemical basis than previously assumed. Because the experience of positive empathy is related to prosocial behavior, our findings also raise questions about the societal impact of excessive acetaminophen consumption., I have three children. With my firstborn I never took Tylenol, however with my last two I was told it was safe to take because I was having severe migraines both of those pregnancies. Both of those kids have autism and one also has ADHD… my firstborn is neurotypical though. Just saying.., It seems that fault should lie with whatever entities pushed the idea that Tylenol was the *only* safe thing to take for inflammation during pregnancy.  Now they're saying that's not even safe.  I specifically remember our family doctor telling my son's mother that she could only safely take Tylenol for a bad cold she was having during pregnancy.  And now we're left wondering if that was causal to our kid's autism., I hate this so much because this crap made my gf feel guilty about taking tylenol..., [removed], This made me giggle, Hi! Quick question if I may - did they know the baby had had a stroke straight away? Or is this something you realised later after developmental delays etc? I had a severe placenta abruption at 35 weeks. My son was always a bit delayed with his milestones and then had a major speech and developmental regression around 18 months. A lot of the milestones have come back except for speech and he has major sensory issues. He hasn’t been formally diagnosed by a neurologist yet because we can’t really afford it and waiting lists are super long but we have him in speech and OT. No one has raised the possibility of a stroke with us though, and now I’m curious if he may have had one and we didn’t know?, I remember a couple years ago I saw a post saying tylenol causes health issues in children but it completely ignored the fact that children that are regularly taking Tylenol are taking it because they are already sick or already have health issues., I can absolutely agree with you. I’ve been struggling with depression for over 20 years before I had it properly addressed and started taking meds. The dr warned me that my body will also calm down and I’ll be able to conceive. I didn’t believe her. Sure enough, 2 mo after started taking meds I was pregnant with my daughter., Exactly this. There are also so many other confounding variables that could impact the development of autism. Pretty much every environmental correlation for autism (pesticides, maternal diabetes, etc) is bunk because of this. You absolutely cannot draw any definite conclusions., Thanks. Those are some wise words., Well obviously Tylenol prevents it then. /s 

😁, [deleted], [removed], The lawsuit ads are meant to simultaneously make you feel bad and direct all that anger/fear/guilt into helping them get money from a big corporation. It doesn’t matter “what the science says,” it matters how many people they can get to claim they were harmed so the big businesses settle rather than have it go to court. The more plaintiffs they have, and the longer it takes to settle, the more money the legal team makes. 

You did nothing wrong. You didn’t do anything intentionally or accidentally during pregnancy to cause your child’s autism., I personally believe that there is an insanely high percentage of our world population that is on the spectrum but is not diagnosed. Not the whole ""everybody is a little autistic"" thing- that's bull shit - but just think about everything you've learned about autism, all of its variability in countless areas then reflect on everyone you've met. If not autism then still some form of neurodivergent..
I honestly can't remember the last time I met someone that never even had a serious/thoughtful self diagnosis of some sort.... 
(Just a theory of course.. one of many apparently 😅😆), Right. It's just some crazy distraction method to make some people feel better about not knowing the exact cause when really the causes have been building for God knows how long. They've been tracking the genetic mutations that autism frequents from all kinds of things along the way. Our environment is tanted, so is our food, microplastics in the air we breath down to being in breast milk. So many toxins we've created over the years, it's no wonder our systems are doing so many different things! ...
But yes, lots of disqualifying components... Sorry went on a little rant there.
I mean if it makes some parents feel better or feel like they've got some kind of closure then might as well let the government pay you. They're not helping as well as they could in other areas at all but if you qualify might as well apply I guess 🤨🤔🤷🏻‍♀️, My kid was breastfed and he has autism. Maybe it’s the breast milk? /s, Are you certain nobody is? We weren't diagnosed like kids are now. The diagnostic criteria also changed dramatically. Tons of parents here were undiagnosed until after having autistic children and self-reflecting. Likewise nobody in their families were diagnosed, but upon reflection they now recognize traits. The outlier could just be the severity of his autism., Has he had genetic testing? It could be a de novo (random) mutation, meaning their would be no family history, particularly in severe autism de novo mutations are a common cause. Correlation is not causation. There are way to many variables for you to be certain that it was the Tylenol., frequent fevers have been linked to increased chances of autism. and by increased i mean up to 300% increased chances of autism in babies, mostly during either the first or second trimester i cant really remember. but it’s the fevers themselves that are considered risk factors, This post/comment was removed for violating the sub's ""No Pseudo-Science/MLM"" policy., Edit to add:

In terms of the amount of paracetamol I took - I took a lot.  It was all under prescription as well - so there is a paper trail somewhere because my government co-pays the medication.  

Also, I got specialist advice that this drug was safe to take in 2019.  I did everything right., I just read a study that correlated autoimmune disease in mothers with male autistic infants, I don’t think we will ever really know though., How often did u take Tylenol per day?, This post/comment was removed for violating the sub's ""No Pseudo-Science/MLM"" policy., 🤭, I had suspicion from birth. She had left sided weakness from birth and saw PT in the NICU. She continued with it and I was pushed off for a long time. We had an MRI FINALLY at 15 months and there is a small area that shows some old stroke. With the timeline of my birth they are certain the stroke happened right before birth or shortly after. I started symptoms at 10am and they called my c section at 7:30 pm., Yes! To establish statistical causality, the cause must precede the effect., 😂I like your humor. Sarcastic people are my faves!  
Personally, I think it’s hereditary. From my own learning, due to my son, I’ve started to wonder about other family members. I DO have a nephew that’s 12,  and his vocabulary is still almost non existent. I wonder about his dad, maybe being high functioning, and I also wonder if my other brother was. But who knows, I’m not a Dr! Lol, I would only scream for ice cream., You had me away at the 5th word aluminum. For a person this educated, I hope you do not consume table salt. One of its key ingredients is sodium. Sodium is a highly reactive metal. Another key ingredient is chlorine, which is also an extremely reactive element. Both of these are very dangerous for consumption. That's why I recommend people do not consume table salt. It's like a combination of 2 poisons., I don't fall for this kind of misinformation, and I have come across many. I was just saying that formula milk theory is far easier to sell than Tylenol theory., My husband and his twin have done some hard introspection since both of them have a son on the spectrum now. No diagnosis, but their “little idiosyncrasies” make a lot more sense through the lense of ASD., Haha, thanks. I personally believe it's mostly hereditary. My daughter's mother is a high functioning, and I have long suspected that I'm the same, but am currently undiagnosed. My daughter is 9 and functionally non-verbal but improving. 

Hmm, I just had an epiphany. If it is hereditary, I wonder if the rise of online dating contributed to the rise in numbers?

Hear me out.. So, if I'm being completely honest, if there was no such thing as online dating, I would probably still be single, or at the very least childless. I wonder if it has enabled people who are on the spectrum who struggle with social interaction to have an easier time finding partners, thereby naturally creating a higher percentage of offspring with autism compared to life before online dating where it was much much more difficult? 

🤔

Edit: I found a study that hypothesizes exactly what I am talking about, but I haven't a clue how to go about getting the actual full study: [Online dating, reproductive success and the rise autism spectrum disorder prevalence](https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S030698772030195X), Violating the noise ordinance!?! Lol, I've seen some great satire flyers made by different people within the autism community - ""did you drink water, or breath air during pregnancy? Have a child with ASD? You could be entitled to a settlement"" 🤭, Yea the whole ""diagnoses are skyrocketing! There must be something in the water!"" It's on par with COVID not existing as long as we stop testing for it, Check out the work of Steve Silberman. [https://www.ted.com/speakers/steve\_silberman](https://www.ted.com/speakers/steve_silberman)

I think being online in general has made it much easier for the oddballs to find each other. (I include myself in this comment.), You are welcome! Actually, what you said about online, it makes sense. As it’s easier to be more sociable, when in a comforting area, regardless to how/why someone has social issues., Interesting take!, It's interesting that you're suspecting  
 online presence, but I wonder if the exposure to the wifi itself is contributing to the epidemic 🤔. I don't remember seeing these many cases prior to the advent of the internet., Thank you I will check that out definitely!",Support,Tylenol Lawsuit
"For ones that have gone through this can you please give me some insight. My son is speech delayed & he’s 2 years old. We went for our first evaluation today to get speech services started and SLP recommended for him to see a “developmental pediatrician” when I automatically responded by asking “like a psychiatrist?” And was autism a concern, she said possibly because he likes wheels & cars, and likes to play alone but this could also not be accurate and it’s just to cover all basis, being that she can’t diagnose. Do SLP’s recommend this to all parents? Is this normal? My sons situation is a bit different because since he has been born his social interaction is very limited. The only people he sees mainly is myself and his dad. I believe this is the reason for his social skills which is why he is now in preschool. I pray he picks up on a lot of things from the other kids & this is all just a phase. I guess what I’m asking is, has this assessment been offered to you & your child end up not having it?","All of us on here have kids with ASD. In my case, both the SLP and OT said he did not have ASD for about 1.5 years. I took him separately for eval. He most definitely does. Take him for the eval. It will open up even more therapies if he does meet the criteria. It will not define where his life will take him., I always recommend to everyone that a neurologist is the best person to go to for an evaluation/assessment. I went through so many pediatricians, developmental pediatricians, therapists, etc, and they were all like ,""eh..maybe."" lol. Took him to a neurologist and was diagnosed immediately. It's the confidence difference to me in the evaluation and diagnosis with a neurologist. It's like they see it immediately. If you have any suspicions an assessment is so incredibly recommended you want answers as early as possible it makes the school transition so much easier., I had an SLP and a pediatrician suggest we get an assessment done for our son. They were right and he has ASD. It opened up a lot of support for him. I think it's worth doing if it's been recommended., Someone posted on another thread recently, something like ""if your child isn't autistic, then therapy won't make them autistic. But if they are autistic, then not getting the therapy they need could set them back years"".

It's normal to question when someone tells you there could be something like this going on. But there's absolutely no harm in getting checked by a developmental ped or neurologist to rule anything out. If it's nothing - then great! At least you know. If it's something - then great! You're already on the right path to getting him the services he needs.
Don't let your fear of ""what if"" cloud your judgment., My SLP never made any recommendations to see anyone else.

Started kid in speech in June at 22 months

Started kid in preschool at 24 months. Preschool recommended OT. Asked SLP if she thought we needed OT and agreed.

Got started with OT right after that. After a couple months OT recommended we get her evaluated by a developmental ped. We pushed back for a few months since she was already in speech and OT and thought that was all she needed, but went ahead and asked for a referral when her tantrums started involving banging her head.

That SLP “moved to a different area of practice” when kid was around 2 years 4 months. 

Finally got through the hurdles to get scheduled with the developmental ped and step 1 of that was a speech eval specifically for autism….which ended up being with the original SLP. She used the ADOS 2 and evaluated as suspected autism. Never once did that SLP say we should see OT or a dev ped even though she had seen her for the longest time. I’m glad other people did make recommendations to us for other things that may be beneficial.

We don’t see the dev ped until later this month. And in the grand scheme of things starting additional therapies about a year later than we could have hopefully shouldn’t matter in the long run…but if we had kept her home instead of sending her to preschool we would have never even thought of OT or a dev ped.

These professionals see kids all day long and they usually know who has what diagnosis. I would not expect them to attempt to label or diagnose if that is not in their scope of practice, and no one has attempted to diagnose her with anything beyond expressive and receptive speech delay. I do appreciate when someone tells me that another professional may be beneficial., There’s no harm in taking him to see a paediatrician at all. It can be recommended by speech, OT, health visitors, general practitioners and essentially the developmental peadiatrician will always be the one you get referred to. A diagnosis could never be given by speech so that’s likely why you have been directed there. Totally normal though and part of the process! Lots of kids had barely any interaction with other people during the Covid years, but it’s always better to check and see than wait and see. 🙂, This exact situation happened to us. I brought my son in for a speech evaluation right after he turned 2 because he didn’t have any words. I never in a million years thought they would suggest he could possibly be autistic. He’s my first so I really didn’t  have anything to compare his development to. They approved him for speech and special instruction, and he was also starting daycare at the same time so we held off on the assessment because I wanted to see how he did with all that first. I definitely didn’t want to overwhelm him with too many new things at one time, but I know I was also a bit in denial at the time. 

He’s 2.5 now and still very delayed with language, but he started speech about 2 months ago and we are already seeing some improvement. However we have noticed an increase in some repetitive and sensory seeking behaviors.. nothing really difficult but since I’ve done a ton of research now I do believe they were right and he is likely on the spectrum. We’re waiting to have him assessed hopefully within the next few months. I know it’s shocking at first and super hard to accept even the idea of it, but now that it had some time to sink in, I realize I have to stop prioritizing my own emotions and focus on what’s best for my son and his needs. The more services they get now at 2 years old, the better chance they have of catching up to their peers and struggling less! Whether he is autistic or not everything will be ok ♥️, Why did you feel you wanted to take him for the eval? What were your concerns?, How old was your child? I guess what I’m also hesitant about is the fact that he hasn’t started speech or even been in preschool long enough? Would it be best to start those services first and give it some time in school to see if the issue is he just needs to be around more kids?, Yes! We are also all encouraging you because the wait lists can be YEARS long. You can always remove his name later if he is no longer suspected., Rigidity (lack of ability to transition between activities without a fit), social and two way communication concerns, wouldn’t sit in circle time or attend to activities very well at all, etc, Lack of being around other kids won’t cause ASD symptoms. Does your kid go to the park? Do they play with you? Does your child point? Make choices? What interactions does your child have with other people or even animals? Putting words together to make his thoughts known?, He was almost 3 and still not talking. All we got was speech and OT. Like I said before every doctor we tried tiptoed around a diagnosis mainly because he didn't have stereotypical autistic symptoms. I was pretty sure he was autistic because he was similar to my daughter who is also autistic. He's just requires more support and is nonverbal (9 now btw). 

In my opinion is it's best to get an evaluation first. If you're going to a public preschool I'd request an educational evaluation for possible autism, that gives you a leg up on getting the right specialist. The reason I say do the evaluation first is if your child is autistic being around children's without proper tools and coping mechanisms can be counterproductive to their progress. That is why if there is ANY suspicion, and I believe there is here since you are on this subreddit, then I personally would go evaluation first. Just my opinion., Also intense separation anxiety from me. Like wouldn’t even let me go to the bathroom., Has therapy helped him with these things? Is he able to do these things now?, Yes, he transitions very well but sometimes requires a bribe lol. He is still hesitant with new situations. Speech is still behind but he’s conversational (6 years old). I want you to think about “what if”. If you take him for eval and he’s not autistic, you just wasted some money. If you don’t take him and he is autistic, you are wasting years of therapy and help for him., All of us on here have kids with ASD. In my case, both the SLP and OT said he did not have ASD for about 1.5 years. I took him separately for eval. He most definitely does. Take him for the eval. It will open up even more therapies if he does meet the criteria. It will not define where his life will take him., I always recommend to everyone that a neurologist is the best person to go to for an evaluation/assessment. I went through so many pediatricians, developmental pediatricians, therapists, etc, and they were all like ,""eh..maybe."" lol. Took him to a neurologist and was diagnosed immediately. It's the confidence difference to me in the evaluation and diagnosis with a neurologist. It's like they see it immediately. If you have any suspicions an assessment is so incredibly recommended you want answers as early as possible it makes the school transition so much easier., I had an SLP and a pediatrician suggest we get an assessment done for our son. They were right and he has ASD. It opened up a lot of support for him. I think it's worth doing if it's been recommended., Someone posted on another thread recently, something like ""if your child isn't autistic, then therapy won't make them autistic. But if they are autistic, then not getting the therapy they need could set them back years"".

It's normal to question when someone tells you there could be something like this going on. But there's absolutely no harm in getting checked by a developmental ped or neurologist to rule anything out. If it's nothing - then great! At least you know. If it's something - then great! You're already on the right path to getting him the services he needs.
Don't let your fear of ""what if"" cloud your judgment., My SLP never made any recommendations to see anyone else.

Started kid in speech in June at 22 months

Started kid in preschool at 24 months. Preschool recommended OT. Asked SLP if she thought we needed OT and agreed.

Got started with OT right after that. After a couple months OT recommended we get her evaluated by a developmental ped. We pushed back for a few months since she was already in speech and OT and thought that was all she needed, but went ahead and asked for a referral when her tantrums started involving banging her head.

That SLP “moved to a different area of practice” when kid was around 2 years 4 months. 

Finally got through the hurdles to get scheduled with the developmental ped and step 1 of that was a speech eval specifically for autism….which ended up being with the original SLP. She used the ADOS 2 and evaluated as suspected autism. Never once did that SLP say we should see OT or a dev ped even though she had seen her for the longest time. I’m glad other people did make recommendations to us for other things that may be beneficial.

We don’t see the dev ped until later this month. And in the grand scheme of things starting additional therapies about a year later than we could have hopefully shouldn’t matter in the long run…but if we had kept her home instead of sending her to preschool we would have never even thought of OT or a dev ped.

These professionals see kids all day long and they usually know who has what diagnosis. I would not expect them to attempt to label or diagnose if that is not in their scope of practice, and no one has attempted to diagnose her with anything beyond expressive and receptive speech delay. I do appreciate when someone tells me that another professional may be beneficial., There’s no harm in taking him to see a paediatrician at all. It can be recommended by speech, OT, health visitors, general practitioners and essentially the developmental peadiatrician will always be the one you get referred to. A diagnosis could never be given by speech so that’s likely why you have been directed there. Totally normal though and part of the process! Lots of kids had barely any interaction with other people during the Covid years, but it’s always better to check and see than wait and see. 🙂, This exact situation happened to us. I brought my son in for a speech evaluation right after he turned 2 because he didn’t have any words. I never in a million years thought they would suggest he could possibly be autistic. He’s my first so I really didn’t  have anything to compare his development to. They approved him for speech and special instruction, and he was also starting daycare at the same time so we held off on the assessment because I wanted to see how he did with all that first. I definitely didn’t want to overwhelm him with too many new things at one time, but I know I was also a bit in denial at the time. 

He’s 2.5 now and still very delayed with language, but he started speech about 2 months ago and we are already seeing some improvement. However we have noticed an increase in some repetitive and sensory seeking behaviors.. nothing really difficult but since I’ve done a ton of research now I do believe they were right and he is likely on the spectrum. We’re waiting to have him assessed hopefully within the next few months. I know it’s shocking at first and super hard to accept even the idea of it, but now that it had some time to sink in, I realize I have to stop prioritizing my own emotions and focus on what’s best for my son and his needs. The more services they get now at 2 years old, the better chance they have of catching up to their peers and struggling less! Whether he is autistic or not everything will be ok ♥️, Why did you feel you wanted to take him for the eval? What were your concerns?, How old was your child? I guess what I’m also hesitant about is the fact that he hasn’t started speech or even been in preschool long enough? Would it be best to start those services first and give it some time in school to see if the issue is he just needs to be around more kids?, Yes! We are also all encouraging you because the wait lists can be YEARS long. You can always remove his name later if he is no longer suspected., Rigidity (lack of ability to transition between activities without a fit), social and two way communication concerns, wouldn’t sit in circle time or attend to activities very well at all, etc, Lack of being around other kids won’t cause ASD symptoms. Does your kid go to the park? Do they play with you? Does your child point? Make choices? What interactions does your child have with other people or even animals? Putting words together to make his thoughts known?, He was almost 3 and still not talking. All we got was speech and OT. Like I said before every doctor we tried tiptoed around a diagnosis mainly because he didn't have stereotypical autistic symptoms. I was pretty sure he was autistic because he was similar to my daughter who is also autistic. He's just requires more support and is nonverbal (9 now btw). 

In my opinion is it's best to get an evaluation first. If you're going to a public preschool I'd request an educational evaluation for possible autism, that gives you a leg up on getting the right specialist. The reason I say do the evaluation first is if your child is autistic being around children's without proper tools and coping mechanisms can be counterproductive to their progress. That is why if there is ANY suspicion, and I believe there is here since you are on this subreddit, then I personally would go evaluation first. Just my opinion., Also intense separation anxiety from me. Like wouldn’t even let me go to the bathroom., Has therapy helped him with these things? Is he able to do these things now?, Yes, he transitions very well but sometimes requires a bribe lol. He is still hesitant with new situations. Speech is still behind but he’s conversational (6 years old). I want you to think about “what if”. If you take him for eval and he’s not autistic, you just wasted some money. If you don’t take him and he is autistic, you are wasting years of therapy and help for him., All of us on here have kids with ASD. In my case, both the SLP and OT said he did not have ASD for about 1.5 years. I took him separately for eval. He most definitely does. Take him for the eval. It will open up even more therapies if he does meet the criteria. It will not define where his life will take him., I always recommend to everyone that a neurologist is the best person to go to for an evaluation/assessment. I went through so many pediatricians, developmental pediatricians, therapists, etc, and they were all like ,""eh..maybe."" lol. Took him to a neurologist and was diagnosed immediately. It's the confidence difference to me in the evaluation and diagnosis with a neurologist. It's like they see it immediately. If you have any suspicions an assessment is so incredibly recommended you want answers as early as possible it makes the school transition so much easier., I had an SLP and a pediatrician suggest we get an assessment done for our son. They were right and he has ASD. It opened up a lot of support for him. I think it's worth doing if it's been recommended., Someone posted on another thread recently, something like ""if your child isn't autistic, then therapy won't make them autistic. But if they are autistic, then not getting the therapy they need could set them back years"".

It's normal to question when someone tells you there could be something like this going on. But there's absolutely no harm in getting checked by a developmental ped or neurologist to rule anything out. If it's nothing - then great! At least you know. If it's something - then great! You're already on the right path to getting him the services he needs.
Don't let your fear of ""what if"" cloud your judgment., My SLP never made any recommendations to see anyone else.

Started kid in speech in June at 22 months

Started kid in preschool at 24 months. Preschool recommended OT. Asked SLP if she thought we needed OT and agreed.

Got started with OT right after that. After a couple months OT recommended we get her evaluated by a developmental ped. We pushed back for a few months since she was already in speech and OT and thought that was all she needed, but went ahead and asked for a referral when her tantrums started involving banging her head.

That SLP “moved to a different area of practice” when kid was around 2 years 4 months. 

Finally got through the hurdles to get scheduled with the developmental ped and step 1 of that was a speech eval specifically for autism….which ended up being with the original SLP. She used the ADOS 2 and evaluated as suspected autism. Never once did that SLP say we should see OT or a dev ped even though she had seen her for the longest time. I’m glad other people did make recommendations to us for other things that may be beneficial.

We don’t see the dev ped until later this month. And in the grand scheme of things starting additional therapies about a year later than we could have hopefully shouldn’t matter in the long run…but if we had kept her home instead of sending her to preschool we would have never even thought of OT or a dev ped.

These professionals see kids all day long and they usually know who has what diagnosis. I would not expect them to attempt to label or diagnose if that is not in their scope of practice, and no one has attempted to diagnose her with anything beyond expressive and receptive speech delay. I do appreciate when someone tells me that another professional may be beneficial., There’s no harm in taking him to see a paediatrician at all. It can be recommended by speech, OT, health visitors, general practitioners and essentially the developmental peadiatrician will always be the one you get referred to. A diagnosis could never be given by speech so that’s likely why you have been directed there. Totally normal though and part of the process! Lots of kids had barely any interaction with other people during the Covid years, but it’s always better to check and see than wait and see. 🙂, This exact situation happened to us. I brought my son in for a speech evaluation right after he turned 2 because he didn’t have any words. I never in a million years thought they would suggest he could possibly be autistic. He’s my first so I really didn’t  have anything to compare his development to. They approved him for speech and special instruction, and he was also starting daycare at the same time so we held off on the assessment because I wanted to see how he did with all that first. I definitely didn’t want to overwhelm him with too many new things at one time, but I know I was also a bit in denial at the time. 

He’s 2.5 now and still very delayed with language, but he started speech about 2 months ago and we are already seeing some improvement. However we have noticed an increase in some repetitive and sensory seeking behaviors.. nothing really difficult but since I’ve done a ton of research now I do believe they were right and he is likely on the spectrum. We’re waiting to have him assessed hopefully within the next few months. I know it’s shocking at first and super hard to accept even the idea of it, but now that it had some time to sink in, I realize I have to stop prioritizing my own emotions and focus on what’s best for my son and his needs. The more services they get now at 2 years old, the better chance they have of catching up to their peers and struggling less! Whether he is autistic or not everything will be ok ♥️, Why did you feel you wanted to take him for the eval? What were your concerns?, How old was your child? I guess what I’m also hesitant about is the fact that he hasn’t started speech or even been in preschool long enough? Would it be best to start those services first and give it some time in school to see if the issue is he just needs to be around more kids?, Yes! We are also all encouraging you because the wait lists can be YEARS long. You can always remove his name later if he is no longer suspected., Rigidity (lack of ability to transition between activities without a fit), social and two way communication concerns, wouldn’t sit in circle time or attend to activities very well at all, etc, Lack of being around other kids won’t cause ASD symptoms. Does your kid go to the park? Do they play with you? Does your child point? Make choices? What interactions does your child have with other people or even animals? Putting words together to make his thoughts known?, He was almost 3 and still not talking. All we got was speech and OT. Like I said before every doctor we tried tiptoed around a diagnosis mainly because he didn't have stereotypical autistic symptoms. I was pretty sure he was autistic because he was similar to my daughter who is also autistic. He's just requires more support and is nonverbal (9 now btw). 

In my opinion is it's best to get an evaluation first. If you're going to a public preschool I'd request an educational evaluation for possible autism, that gives you a leg up on getting the right specialist. The reason I say do the evaluation first is if your child is autistic being around children's without proper tools and coping mechanisms can be counterproductive to their progress. That is why if there is ANY suspicion, and I believe there is here since you are on this subreddit, then I personally would go evaluation first. Just my opinion., Also intense separation anxiety from me. Like wouldn’t even let me go to the bathroom., Has therapy helped him with these things? Is he able to do these things now?, Yes, he transitions very well but sometimes requires a bribe lol. He is still hesitant with new situations. Speech is still behind but he’s conversational (6 years old). I want you to think about “what if”. If you take him for eval and he’s not autistic, you just wasted some money. If you don’t take him and he is autistic, you are wasting years of therapy and help for him., All of us on here have kids with ASD. In my case, both the SLP and OT said he did not have ASD for about 1.5 years. I took him separately for eval. He most definitely does. Take him for the eval. It will open up even more therapies if he does meet the criteria. It will not define where his life will take him., I always recommend to everyone that a neurologist is the best person to go to for an evaluation/assessment. I went through so many pediatricians, developmental pediatricians, therapists, etc, and they were all like ,""eh..maybe."" lol. Took him to a neurologist and was diagnosed immediately. It's the confidence difference to me in the evaluation and diagnosis with a neurologist. It's like they see it immediately. If you have any suspicions an assessment is so incredibly recommended you want answers as early as possible it makes the school transition so much easier., I had an SLP and a pediatrician suggest we get an assessment done for our son. They were right and he has ASD. It opened up a lot of support for him. I think it's worth doing if it's been recommended., Someone posted on another thread recently, something like ""if your child isn't autistic, then therapy won't make them autistic. But if they are autistic, then not getting the therapy they need could set them back years"".

It's normal to question when someone tells you there could be something like this going on. But there's absolutely no harm in getting checked by a developmental ped or neurologist to rule anything out. If it's nothing - then great! At least you know. If it's something - then great! You're already on the right path to getting him the services he needs.
Don't let your fear of ""what if"" cloud your judgment., My SLP never made any recommendations to see anyone else.

Started kid in speech in June at 22 months

Started kid in preschool at 24 months. Preschool recommended OT. Asked SLP if she thought we needed OT and agreed.

Got started with OT right after that. After a couple months OT recommended we get her evaluated by a developmental ped. We pushed back for a few months since she was already in speech and OT and thought that was all she needed, but went ahead and asked for a referral when her tantrums started involving banging her head.

That SLP “moved to a different area of practice” when kid was around 2 years 4 months. 

Finally got through the hurdles to get scheduled with the developmental ped and step 1 of that was a speech eval specifically for autism….which ended up being with the original SLP. She used the ADOS 2 and evaluated as suspected autism. Never once did that SLP say we should see OT or a dev ped even though she had seen her for the longest time. I’m glad other people did make recommendations to us for other things that may be beneficial.

We don’t see the dev ped until later this month. And in the grand scheme of things starting additional therapies about a year later than we could have hopefully shouldn’t matter in the long run…but if we had kept her home instead of sending her to preschool we would have never even thought of OT or a dev ped.

These professionals see kids all day long and they usually know who has what diagnosis. I would not expect them to attempt to label or diagnose if that is not in their scope of practice, and no one has attempted to diagnose her with anything beyond expressive and receptive speech delay. I do appreciate when someone tells me that another professional may be beneficial., There’s no harm in taking him to see a paediatrician at all. It can be recommended by speech, OT, health visitors, general practitioners and essentially the developmental peadiatrician will always be the one you get referred to. A diagnosis could never be given by speech so that’s likely why you have been directed there. Totally normal though and part of the process! Lots of kids had barely any interaction with other people during the Covid years, but it’s always better to check and see than wait and see. 🙂, This exact situation happened to us. I brought my son in for a speech evaluation right after he turned 2 because he didn’t have any words. I never in a million years thought they would suggest he could possibly be autistic. He’s my first so I really didn’t  have anything to compare his development to. They approved him for speech and special instruction, and he was also starting daycare at the same time so we held off on the assessment because I wanted to see how he did with all that first. I definitely didn’t want to overwhelm him with too many new things at one time, but I know I was also a bit in denial at the time. 

He’s 2.5 now and still very delayed with language, but he started speech about 2 months ago and we are already seeing some improvement. However we have noticed an increase in some repetitive and sensory seeking behaviors.. nothing really difficult but since I’ve done a ton of research now I do believe they were right and he is likely on the spectrum. We’re waiting to have him assessed hopefully within the next few months. I know it’s shocking at first and super hard to accept even the idea of it, but now that it had some time to sink in, I realize I have to stop prioritizing my own emotions and focus on what’s best for my son and his needs. The more services they get now at 2 years old, the better chance they have of catching up to their peers and struggling less! Whether he is autistic or not everything will be ok ♥️, Why did you feel you wanted to take him for the eval? What were your concerns?, How old was your child? I guess what I’m also hesitant about is the fact that he hasn’t started speech or even been in preschool long enough? Would it be best to start those services first and give it some time in school to see if the issue is he just needs to be around more kids?, Yes! We are also all encouraging you because the wait lists can be YEARS long. You can always remove his name later if he is no longer suspected., Rigidity (lack of ability to transition between activities without a fit), social and two way communication concerns, wouldn’t sit in circle time or attend to activities very well at all, etc, Lack of being around other kids won’t cause ASD symptoms. Does your kid go to the park? Do they play with you? Does your child point? Make choices? What interactions does your child have with other people or even animals? Putting words together to make his thoughts known?, He was almost 3 and still not talking. All we got was speech and OT. Like I said before every doctor we tried tiptoed around a diagnosis mainly because he didn't have stereotypical autistic symptoms. I was pretty sure he was autistic because he was similar to my daughter who is also autistic. He's just requires more support and is nonverbal (9 now btw). 

In my opinion is it's best to get an evaluation first. If you're going to a public preschool I'd request an educational evaluation for possible autism, that gives you a leg up on getting the right specialist. The reason I say do the evaluation first is if your child is autistic being around children's without proper tools and coping mechanisms can be counterproductive to their progress. That is why if there is ANY suspicion, and I believe there is here since you are on this subreddit, then I personally would go evaluation first. Just my opinion., Also intense separation anxiety from me. Like wouldn’t even let me go to the bathroom., Has therapy helped him with these things? Is he able to do these things now?, Yes, he transitions very well but sometimes requires a bribe lol. He is still hesitant with new situations. Speech is still behind but he’s conversational (6 years old). I want you to think about “what if”. If you take him for eval and he’s not autistic, you just wasted some money. If you don’t take him and he is autistic, you are wasting years of therapy and help for him.",Diagnosis,Diagnosis Process
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